January 2014 GlossyNews Winners Announced

January GlossyNews Winners Announced
We have the best satire staff in the game and it’s with glee I announce the winners of our January contest.

There was a delay in the announcement caused by, you know, let’s say “factors.” A couple are legit, plus also just being busy. Anticipation is a good thing, right?

I can tell you the final decision for the two judge’s choice awards wasn’t easy, but in keeping with tradition, it’s sure to ruffle a few feathers. But you’ll read about how rufflesome momentarily.

Top 3 stories are still the ones about Stephanie from LazyTown. I suspected this story would have some staying power, but never imagined it would be like this.

The 4th ranked story is last month’s winner Duck Dynasty Cancelled! A&E Introduces New Reality Show, and at #5 we begin our list of top new articles. Drum roll please.

No? No drum roll? Okay, fair enough.

Top Read January, 2014 Stories

Coming in at #5 is NASA: Aliens Dropped ‘Jelly Donut” Rock In Front of Mars Rover by NickFun.

Coming in at #4 is Miley Cyrus to Undergo Sex Change Operation by NickFun.

Coming in at #3 is Haiti Uses US Aid Money to Help Bail Out Bankrupt Detroit by P. Beckert.

Coming in at #2 is Adam Lambert Likes the Feel of Dead Animal Around His Neck by P. Beckert.

And finally, coming in at #1 it’s Twelve Question Bible Quiz by Brian K. White… wait a minute, I’m not ineligible to win! No, it’s with pride I announce the top prize goes to P. Beckert. Congratulations on your hard-earned win!

Thanks to everyone for not making a big deal out of my winning this month. Wonderful to know I can stay comfortably in the background and not garner too much attention. Really, you guys are the best. And, so there are no hard feelings, I’m giving back the Best of Show prize. I asked Brian to buy a round of drinks for everyone with the extra money. I, for one, think we all have our own styles of writing that add many layers to Glossy. I hope you all stick around for the February contest, should there be one.

The Next Five Top Read Stories

There were 71 stories published in January (down from 84 in December,) so here’s the balance of the month’s top ten:

#6 – Freedom Industries Explores Its Freedom to Pollute W. Virginia Waterways by rfreed.

#7 – Michael Jackson, Whitney Housten, Reportedly Still Dead by Bee.

#8 – Dennis Rodman Found Drunk Face Down in Pyongyang Alley by P. Beckert.

#9 – Pope Francis Objects to Notre Dame Stadium Overhaul by Jenny Corvette.

#10 – Mathew Returns to Downton Abbey by Dink the Shrink.

Here Comes the Judge…’s Choice Awards

I can’t do it. It’s impossible to pick just two judge’s choice awards, so I’m going to cheat and break it into 4 prizes of $25 each (which I’ll also do for February.) See? I said it would ruffle feathers.

If anyone doesn’t feel their prize is too paltry, remember, you might have been among the half who just barely missed the mark.

Here they are in no particular order: (Please add your acceptance speech to the comments below and I’ll add them to the article.)

Quality of articles & comments

Goes to Kilroy. A fixture on the site and one who has always stepped up when we need help. Kilroy isn’t just a man, he’s actually what the cool kids refer to as “the man.”

All Author January Articles…
ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead | Punxsutawney Phil Delegates Groundhogging Duties to Maringouin Mike | Local Man Comes to Conclusion Neighbor is Just Plain Mean | Sean “Hey-Diddly-Ho” Combs Builds a Revolting New Station | “The Legend of Hercules” Reviewed by a Guy Who Never Even Saw the Flick | Video Game Makers Reach Around to Senior Citizens | New Dogfish Head Brew a Blatz from the Past

I am humbled and honored by this award. I intend to use the money for bus fare to someplace warmer, and dispense the rest to the people of Detroit so they can move someplace decent.

Quantity of articles & comments

Goes to newcomer DeepTrout. This writer blasted the webways with timely, clever headlines, and though he didn’t crack the top ten, his effort is to be commended.

All Author January Articles…
ScarJo Quits OXFAM, Joins IDF | Ten Year Government Study Concludes People Like Beaches | George Zimmerman To Box Black Ewok | Grammy Committee To Require Black Face | Johansson “I Was Unaware OXFAM Filled w/ Anti Semitic Jew Hating Nazis” | Beautiful Netizen People Burn Butterfly Collector At The Stake | Royal Caribbean Granted Special Status by the CDC | Duck Dynasty Tops WWE and Pawnstars W/E 1/26 | Japan Announces Invasion of Palau | Billionaire Tom Perkins Tweets Walk-Back of Holocaust Comment | “Walking Dead” Writers Smoke Crack, Kill Off Entire Cast | Duck Dynasty Resumes Filming of Season Five Finale *Spoiler Alert*

Regular involvement and quality

Goes to Benjamin Cain. More than a smartass, Cain is a smart smartass, and that’s something even an idiot can appreciate. I joke of course, and badly, because we love smart people for all their great content, and we love the idiots because we rely on them to keep our site popular and properly funded.

All Author January Articles…
Mass Murderer calls Republicans Soft on Satanic Values | Feudalism Reinstituted in Suckersland where One Man owns Everything | Young Woman miraculously ignores her Beauty to study Philosophy | Fashion Industry schemes to Punish Men by turning Women into Freaks | Weed-Smoking Potlandians Debate Whether to Legalize Nicotine, Alcohol | Wild Animals of America Party accuses Republicans of thinking too much

ACCEPTANCE SPEECH: My thanks to everyone who made possible my winning of this award, including Brian and my genes and teachers for giving me the brain of a smart smartass. And now, because this smart guy has learned his lesson from last time, I’ll mosey off the stage as the music starts to play, instead of pontificating about what makes for quality satire.

Best in Show

This was easily the easiest award to determine. This one goes to P. Beckert for her wealth of contributions in stories, comments and her help fixing grammar, spelling and formatting issues with all the other stories run in January and beyond. P. Beckert, we technically could do it without you, but it would suck.

All Author January Articles…
GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration | Sarah Palin’s Heritage Linked Back to Salem Witch Trial Era | Major Paint Company Admits ‘Faux Touches’ Ploy to Sell Paint | Ghost of Reagan Appears; Apologizes for Trickle Down Economics | Is Duck Dynasty’s Goose Finally Cooked? | Harvey Weinstein to Open Fire on NRA in Upcoming Movie | Spousal Rape: An Old Wife’s Tale | New Pot Laws May Save/Destroy Education System in America | Dennis Rodman Found Drunk Face Down in Pyongyang Alley | New Marijuana Laws Spur Highest Home Prices in Years | Adam Lambert Likes the Feel of Dead Animal Around His Neck | Haiti Uses US Aid Money to Help Bail Out Bankrupt Detroit | Psychic Predicts Top Entertainment News Stories of 2014

In lieu of an acceptance speech, P. Beckert has chosen to put her $25 prize back into the pool for future prizes and personally opt-out of winnings for February so more writers may have the opportunity to be rewarded. Hat’s off to P. Beckert for being so awesome!