Mass Murderer Calls Republicans Soft on Satanic Values

Dateline: LOS ANGELES—In a documentary about the life of the infamous anarchist and sadistic mass murder, Max Truculence, Mr. Truculence criticizes American conservatives for being “soft-hearted, effeminate phonies.”

He spoke from prison, since he’s currently serving a thousand year sentence for murdering hundreds of American liberals, raping dozens of women, and blowing up three federal buildings.

“They’re wimps, those Republicans,” begins Mr. Truculence’s tirade. “Little pussy cats, pawing at balls of string. Sure, they talk a good game, but where’s the follow-through? They make pretty speeches about how government interferes with them all the time and how they want to get rid of it, but they keep participating in the elections. They vote for Washington insiders who just mess around with bureaucratic procedures to gum up the system.

“But when was the last time one of these small-government Republicans got their hands dirty and actually rigged a truck full of dynamite at a federal building, sat back, and watched it explode? That was way back in 1995, with Timothy McVeigh. Each and every day, though, there should be another federal building going up in smoke, if you take the Republicans at their word.

“They’re traitors to the cause, the Republicans. They’re not real sadists. They just make a show of it with their rhetoric. They talk about self-reliance and may even carry guns around with them wherever they go like they’re in the Wild West, like they’re real tough guys who don’t need the nanny state to solve their problems. But guess what? There was practically no law in the Wild West, so you could get away with murder. When was the last time these girly-men libertarians went ahead and pulled the trigger on someone for annoying them?

“No, the GOP’s not full of individualists. They rely on the government and the law to protect them. They only pretend to care about just themselves. They only impersonate ice-cold sociopaths who have no conscience. They only talk about wanting to let the poor fend for themselves while the strongest and most ruthless get rich and do whatever they like. Don’t believe me? Well, have you ever seen Rand Paul tear a homeless guy’s guts out with his bare hands? Of course not. That Paul guy’s a socialist. He feels everyone has equal value, because of some liberal UN hogwash about human rights. What a Nancy Boy!

“Me on the other hand: I kill as I please, because I really don’t care about anyone else. That’s selfishness, you flaming Randian loudmouths. You blather on as if you’re good old Satanists—what with your evil-sounding, social Darwinian talking points—but it’s all just talk. You say you hate the Democrats, but have you killed any of them for holding back our military? No? Then why don’t you hold the Dems’ hands and sing Kumbaya with them, you wusses!

“Every time I heard a Democrat on the TV, I expressed my disgust by killing a liberal. That’s why I based my operations in New York and LA. Can the Republicans say the same? Anyone can sound like a nasty, hateful wannabe tyrant. Anyone can stand at a political rally and call their enemies bad names, draw rude cartoons mocking liberals, or spout regressive arguments as a conservative pundit.

“But where’s the proof that you worship demons like I do, that you want to roll back centuries of progress and end Western civilization so you can make a go of it as top predator in the jungle? Where’s the mayhem and mass destruction from these phony anarchists?

“Again, the feminized weaklings claim they want women to be second-class citizens, to keep them at home raising children where they belong. But when have they proved their contempt for a woman by raping one? What’s that, you say? Never? Yeah, that’s because the Republicans are pantywaists.

“Sure, the US is more savage than Canada or Europe, but it’s no Columbia, Somalia, or Congo. You can really get some work done applying conservative principles in a lawless country like one of those. Give me Afghanistan any day over this socialist dystopia, the United States.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: This may seem like a harsh criticism, but I’m allowing it to stand because I feel satire often works best when it really cuts through the talking points and gets to the heart of the matter. This story stands on, perhaps not its face, but it’s other face. The one that’s already turned the other cheek and is now turning it back.

Author: Benjamin Cain

Ben Cain is a misanthropic omega male who likes to think that the more you suffer, the funnier you can be, and the more of an alienated loser you are, the more you can withstand coming face to face with the horrors of reality. He dedicated himself to discovering whether suffering has a meaning and so he earned a meaningless Ph.D. in analytic philosophy. He shares his findings by writing philosophical rants on his blog, Rants within the Undead God, and he's published a novel, called God Decays, which is available on Amazon. Also, he's pretentiously written this bio in the third person even though he rarely partakes of such conventional trickery.