INDIANAPOLIS – Lacking the necessary analytical skills to objectively critique a work of theatre, parents of youngsters in a St Vincent High School production of Hamlet thought that the laborious, 3-hour show was pretty neat.

Congratulating her son Ben on what was actually a painfully lackluster and wooden performance in the title role, Maggie Polworth insisted that the 17-year-old was “really fun” and that he looked “very funny” in those navy blue tights. Continue Reading

Poets are bad enough, but the self-proclaimed poets are even worse still. Sometimes you want to challenge them, see if they’ve really got what it takes.

Well this nay-sayer does just that with, well, unexpected results.

I guess the full-on war against poetry will have to wait until next year. Continue Reading

In response to House Democrats demanding that President Barack Obama release information on the White House Administration’s use of drone strikes, congress was sent a copy of “Our Friend Danny Drone,” a children’s book written by Obama.

Inside sources have provided a preview of the book’s contents. Continue Reading

Seriously, how do they pick these people? I never even knew about them until Stephen Colbert rocked it out in 2006.

Before that, and ever since, they’ve invited nothing but third-rate hacks, save for the occasional first-rate comic delivering a performance that would be lucky to be reviewed as third-rate hackery.

I could rock it, with the help of my talented team of writers and editors. Nothing cheap like Conan let dribble from his face. Look up, Conan. You couldn’t memorize even a few lines of it? Was this not a big deal to you? Continue Reading

Satire websites have been publishing a very popular conspiracy article concerning the NRA being behind the Boston Marathon bombing as a way to detour attention away from the gun limitation bills that had been going through Congress at the same time.

As is usually the case with such stories, many people tuning into the site take the article seriously and start believing that there really is something going on. Continue Reading

INDIANAPOLIS – The Indianapolis Museum of Art (IMA) has announced plans to scale back its opening times, insisting that from August 1st it will only open to the public 5 minutes a week.

According to museum CEO Maxwell L. Anderson, the rescheduling is a “necessary step during these trying economic times.”

“It will just mean that our customer base will have to make multiple visits to the museum each year,” he said. “And while we do encourage people to spend three of their five minutes walking around our wonderful gift shop, the museum itself is still free to enter. Continue Reading

True historical information- A historical research group in Wales has unearthed evidence that one William Shakespeare, father of famous theatrical plays known throughout the world, was also a business cheat.

Click image to see the curious bard full-size.

Records have been found that show the author being dragged before a court for hoarding grain during a time of famine. Even more ironically, it occurred at the same time as the presentation of his work ‘Coriolanus’ which opens with a scene of a mob seeking to harm the lead character for holding back foodstuffs at a time when supplies were low. Continue Reading

This time of year, twice a year, I get really annoyed with my local public radio station. They start begging me for money. I can’t blame them, they run commercial-free, but still, I just want to get back to my regularly scheduled news and information.

So I wondered, just how much time are they dedicating to the pledge drive, compared to what it would be if I just listened to commercial radio instead. I’ve tried the other guys, and it’s painful. A lot of that is because they mix paid placement in with the news, and I feel like they’re trying to trick me.

And idiots will be tricked. That’s what they’re banking on. Wouldn’t it be better to just get your news from an independent provider?

Click image to see it full-size.

And to see all of my cartoons even weeks or months before they’re published, check out GlossyNews.com/c.

Effective as of midnight, GlossyNews.com is under new ownership. Editor Brian K. White has been relieved of his duties and a new editorial team will be shaping coverage from here out.

The sale had been in the works for some time. Media empire The Blaze Inc. is the purchaser, and while the sum paid is undisclosed, it is rumored to be in the four to five figure range. Continue Reading

The Legitimate Society of Respected Americans has come out with their new survey, and the results are not surprising; Rush Limbaugh voted Most Respected American.

Beating out Abe Lincoln, Maya Angelou and Rick Steves, successful radio journalist Rush Limbaugh easily topped the charts with respondents describing him as noble, selfless, handsome and “of a healthy, patriotic American weight”. Continue Reading

MUNCIE – In a disguised attempt to let you know that he is exceptionally well-read, an acquaintance today informed you that the latest Hollywood blockbuster you are planning to view this weekend is no way near as good as the book upon which it is based.

During a painstaking 12-minute critique, the pompous little turd proceeded to describe how and why the film’s take on the story “lacked the emotional depth” of the original novel, which, in case you didn’t hear the first time, he has read about twenty times. Continue Reading

INDIANAPOLIS – Police arrested a 35-year-old man last night after eye-witnesses reported him knocking dead the 47 theatre goers who came to see his portrayal of Iago in a community theatre production of Shakespeare’s Othello.

Brian Mathis, a longtime member of Indianapolis Mainstage Theatre, was taken into police custody late last night after giving what was widely agreed to be a sterling portrayal throughout the 3-hour show. Continue Reading

A SATIRE writer has become jaded after working on a ‘real’ newspaper.

The satire writer, who can not be named because I don’t want to, has revealed to Glossy News that she, erm… that she, or he, has found it increasingly difficult to write satire after their experience in a newsroom.

The writer said: “When I write satire, I often do so from my soapbox, which I sit on, alone, in the dark.

“It usually results in me mindlessly watching the TV or laughing at Internet memes, but after six hours my eyes get tired so I just write something stupid and call it satire.

“But my whole perspective on life has changed ever since I did some work at a proper newspaper.”

The anonymous writer says that they could not believe the stories that were news worthy and has subsequently found it difficult to write anything meaningful, the writer said: “I began to question everything, the price of cheese, why a cat on the train tracks is news, why blue is blue, my existence, everything.

“What place in this world do I have as a writer of satire, making up convoluted, bizarre scenarios, when out there, in the ‘real’ world, they were already happening and being written about?”

The writer pointed to examples of their work that had been written a few months, or in some cases, days, before actual similar events took place: “A good example would be when I wrote about hobos being government spies who were placed to track down minor crimes, turns out it is totally true, I read it in a newspaper.

“There was also the time I wrote about celebrity women being so unnatural that they were actually from an alternate reality. Yesterday I read a report in the newsroom that they are actually aliens sent here to slowly ebb away at our sense of decency and self esteem.”

Asked if they would return to satire, the writer said: “Screw it, I am through with all this, it is getting scary how close to reality satire can be. They say ‘you can’t make it up’, well they are right and that puts me out of a job.”

As long-time readers of Glossy News know, I’m a man of exquisite passion. So when I wanted to ratchet up the loving, I did what any man would do. I sipped some whiskey, yelled at my kids, and turned to the wisdom of books.

I didn’t have to look far to find something to fill this void in the parts of my life that so desperately crave the touch of my loving lady. I picked up “How High Should I Jump?” by R. Milton Quibner, HE.R.S, and I got my answers. Continue Reading

Five thousand years into the future, an intelligent extra-terrestrial species called The Collective uncovered a solitary data storage chip amongst the rubble once known as Earth and took it back to their ship for examination.

Though initially puzzled by the tiny archaic construction, they learned what it (a usb) was through their unified symbiotic brain and, afterwards, went to retrieve the necessary device (once called a “laptop” by their elders) to help them extract its contents. Continue Reading

According to a contact of ours that has a very, very close acquaintance that knows people who are “in the know”, those particular people always know what they’re talking about when they talk about things heard from actual friends of celebrities.

In other words, we have it on good authority that our source’s hearsay is authoritative. Our gossip is so good that we’ve been approached by OMG! and TMZ on a number of occasions to fill in the tiniest gaps on their usually solid stories. Continue Reading