Archive | Books, Newspapers & Misc

New Scrooge Tale Bakes The Halls

New Scrooge Tale Bakes The Halls

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – Add Macy’s to the long list of companies commemorating the loss of America’s beloved restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, this holiday season.

The Center City location announced that they have slightly altered Dickens Village, a tradition that has run unchanged for the last twenty years, displaying the tale of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol.

Dickens Village is a 6,000-square-foot walkthrough experience that transports visitors to 1840s London and features 26 heart-warming scenes housed in the Egyptian Room of the famed Wanamaker Building on Market Street. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Entertainment2 Comments

Hallmark Creates an Alternative to Holiday Cards

Hallmark Creates an Alternative to Holiday Cards

Kansas City, Missouri – Hallmark Cards, Inc. made an exciting announcement, Tuesday morning, that they will be offering an alternative to traditional greeting cards this holiday season known as the “This Card Is Not A Card” Series.

The new release was designed for people that want to give a card to accompany a gift, but do not want to deal with the emotional stress involved in selecting one that contains the perfect amount of sentimental or comedic effects.

In addition to stress, cost was also a significant factor in the new creation as the average price of a holiday card has skyrocketed to $5.79. The new alternatives range from $0.99 to $2.49 and are available in stores and online.

“This is a whole new concept,” said Swedish Psychoanalyst, Heinrich T. Heimichschlopper.

“For centuries, man has dealt with the issue of wanting to give a card with a gift, but not wanting to give a card at the same time due to the stress that comes with having to find the appropriate card, whether it be funny, sentimental or vicariously evil. These new holiday cards that are cards, but at the same time are not cards, solve all those issues. Astounding!” Heimichschlopper added.

In addition to being praised by the critics, consumers are also reacting positively.

“This revolutionary line completely changes the way we give gifts to people who have no appreciation for the gift-givers efforts in finding the card,” said Justine Rodier, who until this release had completely lost faith in Hallmark’s card selection.

“I have chosen the wrong card hundreds of times, in a variety of different situations and there is nothing worse than the reaction from the person who received the card with a graphic or phrase that doesn’t match their personality,” Rodier added.

Hallmark has been struggling as of late, but expects to see strong sales from their new products. “After publishing our millionth card, we began noticing an unfavorable trend in product sales,” said Vice President of Creative Services, Margaret Splishfish.

“Year after year, consumers visit their neighborhood gift shops that offer a variety of emotional cards and they finally snapped! Everyone at corporate knew it was time for a change,” Splishfish added.

The card alternatives are being released exclusively for the 2014 holiday season and come with seven different phrases including: “Are you looking for a card? Because this is not a card” and “This card does not represent an actual card.” Due to human emotions typically associated with greeting or holiday cards, all traditional images and colors have been removed from the new line as to disassociate them from all previously created greeting cards.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Entertainment8 Comments

ISIS Targets U.S. Comicbook Market

ISIS Targets U.S. Comicbook Market

ISIS is reported to be using old established oil smuggling routes to sell oil on the black market for millions of dollars. While that certainly is a lot of money, it is insignificant compared to the market they are currently tapping. Comics.

While CIA analysts concede that ISIS is the best funded, most sophistocated terror network the world has ever seen, they conclude, “They ain’t Hydra”. This may appear reassuring, but when one considers the fact that Hydra does not exist and ISIS does, it brings into question the CIA’s grip on reality. Then things got weirder.

Additional revelations coming out of the CIA recently point to a huge strike in the U.S. by ISIS aimed squarely at the comicbook industry. According to a classified CIA report uncovered by The National Enquirer, ISIS has been cultivating disaffected youth in the U.S. for several years.

“The largest repository of aimless, disassociated, anti-social or simply socially inept males of low intelligence, high gullibility and no girlfriends is in the comicbook demographics,” said Dr. Gunter Chang, Director of Cognitive Studies at the Central Intelligence Agency. “This makes them wide open for any type of depraved imagery and twisted reality.”

“But enough preaching about Seth Rogen! Let me be blunt!” Chang continued. “Youth that shuts out reality playing games comprise only 13% of successful recruiting efforts by ISIS. That’s because at least they are doing something. Porn aficionados make up less than 1%. Joysticks aside, the comicbook demographics make up the rest. The radicalization potential of an empty vessel approaches infinity in the presence of a cataylst like glossy-over-stylized-pseudo-violent-make-believe.”

Others at the CIA claim to have uncovered ISIS connections in a string of what were initally thought to be unreated events of vandelism and arson focused on comic resellers. The arson attacks on warehouses of Mile High Comics in Colorado and MyComicShop in Dallas, two of the largest reseller of back issues and used comics in the U.S., is only the tip of the iceberg.

‘I don’t know whether to laugh or cry,” said Chuck Rzanski, The Godfather of the industry and somewhat bi-polar owner of Mile High Comics. “All my inventory, gone in an instant, kind of like the value of Superman Vol 2 Issue# 75, The Death of Superman,” Rzanski laughed manically before pulling a gun and forcing an end to the interview.

What these high profile attacks has done is send the price of silver and copper age comics through the roof and it is believed that ISIS is selling it’s own vast comicbook collection on the black market for millions. Plus they are rumored to be launching 12 new comic titles after the first of the year.

A video released after the attack on the warehouse of Searchlight Comics in New Jersey showed a black clad teen recklessly swinging a blade around, injuring a few other black clad figures standing nearby. When the video resumed, the figure declared “Death to the U.S. comic industry!” and added, “Maybe now my freaking Punisher collection will be worth something.” He promised more attacks on comic related activities in the near future until his mother came down to the basement and made him stop.

Experts at the CIA tried to mitigate the extent of the threat. They point out that the comic industry is a very resilient hard target that has seen tougher times than this. According to counter-terrorism expert Frank Castle, “This may sound dire, but from our analysis The Punisher is never going to be worth crap!”

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc17 Comments

Dems/Reps Concoct “Jefferson Bible” Sequel

Dems/Reps Concoct “Jefferson Bible” Sequel

Believe it or not, Thomas Jefferson’s famous pick-and-mix assortment of Godly Greatest Hits, known as the “Jefferson Bible,” isn’t all that, nowadays; not even to the GREATEST CHRISTIAN AUTHORITIES OF ALL™…

Well, Ted Haggard never mentioned it in Jesus Camp, Answers in Genesis never allude to it, and Pat Robertson almost appears oblivious to its very existence…

So it’s only fair that in yet another highly constructive act of cross-party co-operation, the Democrats and Republicans have made their own sequel to the Jefferson Bible. All they needed to do was take the Bible and cut out all the bits they didn’t like! Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Religionism3 Comments

Scoop!- Glossy Acquires Titles Of  Future Ann Coulter Books

Scoop!- Glossy Acquires Titles Of Future Ann Coulter Books

Ann Coulter, that famous extreme right wing author and the wicked witch of the North East That Baum didn’t write so much about in his Oz books is forever coming out with new literary tirades against those who, unlike herself, are not raised in families where you are constantly batted over the head with conservative ideals.

She believes that everyone should be like herself: demeaning, mean spirited, acid blooded, pale and fascist. Her main claim to fortune is the ability to every year or so come out with another book warning the world of how there are liberals around much like bedbugs in your mattress out to suck every drop of blood in your veins until you are a withered, dried up corpse, much like Ms. Coulter herself. Continue Reading

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Oprah Tackles The Great Outdoors, Announces Release of New Book

Oprah Tackles The Great Outdoors, Announces Release of New Book

Pale Rock, Arkansas – Following a fishing trip to the serene estuaries between the Ozark and Ouachita Mountains where Oprah Winfrey manhandled some extremely large fish, the popular talk show host has released a new book detailing her experience. “It really was an amazing experience,” Oprah stated during a recent show in which she cleaned and gutted a 230 pound Mike Trout that she caught during her trip. “I’m not a huge fan of touching the guts, but this particular fish had much smaller balls, so it wasn’t an issue,” Winfrey added. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Entertainment2 Comments

Seven Movies That Could Be Considered An Upgrade Upon The Books They Were Based Upon.

Seven Movies That Could Be Considered An Upgrade Upon The Books They Were Based Upon.

The constant thing said about movies based on books is always “how much better the book is.” On occasion, however, it does occur that the movie can go further than the book. A prime example of this is the sci-fi classic ‘2001 – A Space Odyssey’, the movie spectacular that transformed outer space movies from being campy kid stuff to being sleek, intelligent, well wrought adventures of the mind and spirit. The addition of HAL to the story, a renegade computer with the personality of C3PO and the cunning of Darth Vader, became a legendary sci fi ‘character’.
It is based on a short story called ‘The Sentinel’ by Arthur C. Clark, a genuine British scientist and renowned science fiction writer who helped director Stanley Kubrik write the screenplay which was considerable longer than the original story. Whereas the original story is perhaps a couple dozen pages long, the final novelization of the movie was book length long.

Tom Cruise had to give up a year and a half of his life to star in another Kubrik odyssey called ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ although the eyes of all the males in the audience were wide open when Tom’s real life wife Nicole Kidman opens the film with a strip tease in the very first scene. Later scenes amplified the amount of well maintained and proportioned naked female flesh that flattered the screen as Cruises character searches out a dirty rich men’s sex party complete with a June Tayler dancer like bit with all the luscious ladies a’ la buff’. Tom probably later regretted his long employment under Kubrik as he normally would have made several films in the same time which is proved by the Guiness Book of World records saying that ‘Eyes’ is the longest continuous made film ever made, taking 400 days to complete. Eyes ended up doing well in the theaters, taking in $162 million worldwide despite its strong sexual content. Kubrik himself although didn’t fare so well as he died five days after the film was finished.

‘Eyes Wide Shut’ is based upon an old German novella entitled ‘Dream Story’ by Arthur Schnitzler. It is a good and deep read, but without the depth and complexity that Kubrik gives it. Also it is minus the visuals of all the Playboy quality naked women. Strangely, Kubrik originally wanted to make the movie a comedy starring Woody Allen or Steve Martin.

‘Forrest Gump’ was the best selling book by Winston Groom. It concerns the unexpected adventures of a mentally diminished southern boy, who, despite his naivete and weak brain power, goes on to achieve minor miracles in his life. The film, with Tom Hanks embodying the half wit, gives it the star power that brought millions to view it. Director Zemeckis added his own touches to the story that gave it more dimension and spiced it with all the wonders that the radical 60’s had going. The crème of the cake was the rambunctious music of the time that gave Gump such great emotional appeal. Little Zemeckis touches made it scrumptious, such as Gump being edited into famous film footage of all the Presidents of the times. It also turns out that Gump was the unwitting author of many of the famous phrases we have grown up with including “Shit happens”.

One thing that the book has that the film doesn’t is that Forrest and Jenny “do it all over the place” where as in the movie they only ‘do it’ once–enough to produce a son. In the literary version he also gets to be an astronaut.
The film went on to be a huge hit internationally and has been included into the Library of Congresses national film registry as one of the greats of all time. A minor scandal ensued when it was realized that while Zemeckis and Hanks racked up big bucks with the film, Groom got diddly squat.

‘Polar Express’ is mostly a visually lavish childrens picture book with a bare bones story written and illustrated by Chris Van Allsburg. The tale of four children on their way to the North Pole was a winner as a book and a triumph of the imagination as a film. Director Zemeckis (again) turned it into a colorful opus using digital wizardry and the voice power of actor Tom Hanks (again), the same actor who sent Forest Gump off the charts. Whereas the book could be read in 5 minutes, the movie is a dazzling 100. The film also brought in $306 million dollars and was nominated for 3 Oscars–nothing to sneeze at, even if you are at the North Pole. Both the book and the movie are now considered to be Christmas classics.

All three of the latest Batman movies, ‘Batman Returns’, ‘The Dark Knight’ and ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ by director Christopher Nolan are heads and tails above the original comics in every way possible. While kudos must be given to inspireers Bob Kane and Bill Finger for inventing the masked avenger in the first place way back in 1939, it must be admitted that by today’s standards it was poorly drawn and a real basic story.

While the drawing and writing of the comic series has grown more sophisticated over the years, it took a major evolutionary leap with the publication of the ‘Dark Knight Returns’ by Frank Miller in 1986 transforming it from a cheap comic to an art form both literally and visually. But it is Nolan’s nuevo classic noir films that sent it into the stratosphere artistically. The films are story-wise greater with more depth and plot, more lavish in background and design, more sophisticated with content and inventions and more arresting to ones attention with the action and scenes. The Batman of Miller brought the Dark Knight into modern times, then Nolan propelled him into the inky-est of noirdom.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Talky Pictures5 Comments

Bill Kristol, Always Wrong, Moved to “More Appropriate” Weather Man Role

Bill Kristol, Always Wrong, Moved to “More Appropriate” Weather Man Role

Outspoken pro-war pundit Bill Kristol is making headlines again for his unwavering support for military action in Iraq and the world at large. Facing pushback, The Weakly Standard has moved him to a more fitting role: Weather Man.

“Look,” said Kristol. “I wasn’t wrong about Iraq. This president just chose to pull troops out at the wrong time and looks what’s happened, it’s a mess.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, War Zone0 Comments

The Many (questionable) Roads To Success

The Many (questionable) Roads To Success

So many are struggling in our current difficult economic times where the few controlling the financial strings of the country have the rest of us dancing around just to survive while they watch from the porches of their grand estates grandly amused.

In order to help those so afflicted (approximately 90% of the population) we offer this famous series of success videos and books designed to show you examples of what other individuals, groups and nations have done to win wealth for themselves. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Politics0 Comments

Pink Floyd to Release Children’s Bedtime Book: Dark Side of the Mattress

Pink Floyd to Release Children’s Bedtime Book: Dark Side of the Mattress

London – After decades of churning out original, trippy, bizarre and beautiful music and selling kazillions of albums, Pink Floyd have announced they intend to release a children’s book this summer. Titled, “Dark Side of the Mattress”, the book promises to break new ground in the young children’s genre.

The group felt they needed to shake things up and take a break from the studio. David Gilmour, guitarist and co-lead vocalist of the popular band said, “It’s a chapter book and has several chapter names that parents who were fans of our music will probably recognize.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Entertainment2 Comments

Top Glossy News February Stories Announced… Doozies Included

Top Glossy News February Stories Announced… Doozies Included

Well, it’s been a crazy month, and traffic has been higher than it has in at least a year, so here are the winners… and yes, there are some surprises in the mix.

The first surprise is that reigning champ, P. Beckert, opted out of the contest for February, leaving her very well read shoes to be filled and rewarded to other writers… Sure, those metaphors are overly mixed, but it doesn’t change the facts. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes6 Comments

The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer; a Review of Sorts

The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer; a Review of Sorts

Ok, so I’m taking my husband to work. On the radio is some guy telling me how I can improve my life through my thoughts. How I can make my intentions come true if I only change my thinking from negative to positive basically. I realize it’s Wayne Dyer discussing his book “The Power of Intention.”

I’m hooked, so I listen after I drop the husband off. Continue Reading

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January 2014 GlossyNews Winners Announced

January 2014 GlossyNews Winners Announced

January GlossyNews Winners Announced
We have the best satire staff in the game and it’s with glee I announce the winners of our January contest.

There was a delay in the announcement caused by, you know, let’s say “factors.” A couple are legit, plus also just being busy. Anticipation is a good thing, right?

I can tell you the final decision for the two judge’s choice awards wasn’t easy, but in keeping with tradition, it’s sure to ruffle a few feathers. But you’ll read about how rufflesome momentarily. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes6 Comments

Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi

Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi

Each week the Russian military, secret police and Sochi security authorities receive dozens of homemade videos made by ethnic Russians threatening terrorist attacks on innocent civilians at the Sochi Olympics.

Almost all are dismissed as the drunken rankings of misfits, homosexuals or comsymps.

However,in mid December they received a video from two Chechnyans taking credit for the terrorist bombing at a train station in Volgograd that killed 34 people. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Sports Events1 Comment

ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead

ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead

A highly respected writer for The Onion was found dead in near Fargo, North Dakota Thursday. The cause of death is still being investigated. The body of Kilroy Kovacs III, who went by the pseudonym “Kilroy”, was found in an abandoned house with a typewriter on his lap and an empty bottle of Jack.

Police are not saying if the 25 page document discovered in the immediate vicinity was a suicide note, but they are calling the death “suspicious”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Strange People10 Comments

The Best GlossyNews Stories of December, 2013

The Best GlossyNews Stories of December, 2013

We put out $275 in cash prizes for top authors last month, and while nobody beat the top archive stories, we still handed out an additional three cash prizes.

We set out three prizes. One for the top-read article, one for the “funniest” article, and one as a “judges choice,” but we paid out a total of six awards.

Well, we’ll never do that again. Funniest? Throw myself into a volcano before I try to judge such an arbitrary metric again. So many killer entries, how am I supposed to pick? Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes5 Comments

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