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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 12 ‘The New Capitol’

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 12 ‘The New Capitol’

9/12/2001 – THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED – Part 12 – The New Capitol

(A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country.

He begins immediately to make changes. Continue Reading

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9/12/2001- The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 11

9/12/2001- The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 11

9/12/2001
THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED
Part 11

(A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

McGurty announced himself to Cheney’s secretary through the intercom. He was immediately entered in, an entitlement usually reserved only for high ranking political and military officials and oilmen.

“So, what have you got for me? “ Cheney asked his slightly timid assistant.
“We can get Rumsfeld in, sir. Bolton would be a much tougher goal.”
“Good, good!’ said Cheney pleasedly. “Let’s get the ball rolling on that then.”
“Is Mr. Rumsfeld aware of the situation, sir?”
“No, but he will be very shortly, McGurty. I wanted to make sure it was feasible first. Thanks for working on that.”
“My pleasure, sir!”
He exited.

It was a meeting with the real big boys that ran things. The head honchos. The Man in plurality.

Still they all sat patiently in their lavishly comfortable chairs wearing suits just like so many other men across the world, only far better crafted. They are expectant, but unsure. Cheney was animated, excited. His eyes glowed with an intensity radiating from them.

“Gentlemen, as you can probably already imagine, we have made a decision for war. We are going after those who are responsible for the 911 tragedy.”
Bravos sounded around the table.

“This is grim news for us as a nation, but we should also rejoice for we at last are seeking blood from those who dealt us the deal.” Enthusiastic hand claps erupted.

“It is been a cloud hanging over us for a long time, now, but now we have the chance to experience its good potential. The promise of a silver lining holds especially true for we gentlemen in this room.” He unveils a map of the Mideast on the easel board set up before them. “We have already begun our buildup for a campaign against our hidden enemies. Our researchers in the CIA and FBI have led us to the lair of our cowardly foes. And that lair is in…” he points to the map with his pointer, “Iraq.” He points to the nation which is suddenly highlighted on the map and grows in proportion to be dominant. “This is our enemy. It is believed that Osama bin Laden is hiding out in its midst, probably in a remote desert area. In two days from now we will be hitting them with everything we got. They will experience a shock and awe that they will never forget.”

“Iraq? Aren’t they finding that the Arabs flying the planes into New York were Saudi’s?”

“Yes, indeed. But who was their motivator? Bin Laden. And where is he?’ He points to the map.

“We have to make sure we go after the cats and not the kittens. We will hit Iraq so hard they will be whirling like dervishes for weeks.”

Cheney paused a moment, then added with an expressible smirk upon his face, “And that is where the silver lining is. Gentlemen, the benefit of raining fire back upon our enemies is that once they are vanquished along with that despot who runs the place, we will have control over the world’s third largest oil producing country.”

A few oohs issued out. Others gloated upon an inner knowledge of it that they had already surmised.

The man from Shell Oil spoke up. “Who would be the beneficiaries of this situation?”

“Oh, we would! To the victors go the spoils. And those spoils would be around two million barrels of oil a day. And who is the ‘we’? Those of us who hold the reins!”

A couple wolf’s whistles sounded from around the room. “Are you sure these Iraqis ragheads aren’t going to hold on to them?”

Cheney’s expression got darker and more suggestive. “We will make sure they won’t!” the smirk appearing upon the corner of his mouth again. “We can’t have a bunch of Medieval beggars getting in the way of our profits!”

There was a pause at this, then a healthy round of ‘Bravos!’ and false ‘Hurrahs” resounded around the room accompanied by a tinny form of applause.

Pleased with the response to his speech, Cheney went into a back room and sat heavily down upon a chair. He covered his eyes with a towel and leaned back.

His aide McGurty entered the room, easing the door behind him.

“It sounds like you impressed them, sir.”

“Yes, that I believe I did.” stated Cheney from beneath the towel.
“It sounds like they are with you on it.”
“I certainly hope so.”
“So the next step is war?”
“Yes it is.”
“So we have any alternatives?”

Cheney whipped the towel off his face and sat bolt upright, pointing a finger at McGurty.

“No, Mr. McGurty, here is the way it is now. These religious nuts in the Mideast have proved that they can now get to us if they want to. And believe me, they want to. They have finally wised up to the fact that although we’ll let them have as much money as they need have to run their puppet kingdoms and get so much rich food and golden crap as they want, but we won’t let them have the reins to the whole deal. Even when they nationalized the oil companies, they were still dependent on our engineers to run the show. And on us to buy the stuff and to run the companies that pulled it out of the ground. Now they want the whole schmeil. They are not going to get it. We have the chance now to get a permanent slice of the oil pie. We get rid of this ape Hussein and Iraq will be ours. That will alone cover 60% of our energy needs. We will no longer have to go begging to every Mideastern despot who makes it to the top of the pile when we need our oil.”

“Once we have Iraq under our control, we can fortify it and make it our base in the Mideast. We will no longer have to rely on Israel being our eye over there. From a strong base in Iraq we can launch an offensive against any problem anywhere from Somalia to the Crimean to Kazakhstan to Bangladesh. We won’t have any more incidents like Iran taking over our embassy and holding hostages that happened under weak-kneed liberal leadership.”

“I don’t think the Iraqis will take lightly to us taking over their country. A poor and backwards as they may be, they are a proud and fierce people.”

Cheney, again sporting that evil smirk that come so much more frequently to his face now that he was President, leaned into the man and stared directly into his face. “Mr., if we can’t make this bunch of modern day nomads eat their own sand then we need to take our entire military and sell it to the Chinese. Were it not for all the UN bans on using nuclear weapons we could have them on their knees in two days.”

McGurty winced at this. “You mean you would seriously use a nuclear weapon?”

Cheney grimaced something that remotely resembled a smile. “Oh, you bet I would. If it would clean up this mess and get those Arabs back in line, then you bet I would.”

McGurty shivered at the man’s coldness. As he left he was relieved when the Presidents door fell shut behind him cutting him off from that other world that seemed embraced by darkness.

TO BE CONTINUED
– – – – – – – – – –

The complete book of 9/12/2001 is available from lulu.com under that exact title for $9.00 plus shipping.

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Trump Slams Romney’s Pretentious ‘Business People’ Book (2/2)

Trump Slams Romney’s Pretentious ‘Business People’ Book (2/2)

Last time:

But yes, HOSTILE TAKEOVERS ARE A BIG PROBLEM IN THE BUSINESS WORLD…

Not least because they can risk utterly destroying the personal reputation, or worse still, the business reputation of the person undertaking the purported hostile takeover in question.

In fact, that’s pretty much the only problem.

But it’s still a biggie.

Kind of.

Well, from a particular point of view, I guess. Continue Reading

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Trump Slams Romney’s Pretentious ‘Business People’ Book (1/2)

Trump Slams Romney’s Pretentious ‘Business People’ Book (1/2)

Mitt Romney has released a new highly lucrative and highly non-ghostwritten handbook for businesspersons and 2016 GOP election frontrunners (insofar as there is a difference).

The text is made up of three very informed and erudite chapters:

Corporations are people.

No really, believe me, I swear I wouldn’t lie to you. Corporations are people.

FFS I swear I am just telling you the honest truth, they are, they are, they are! OHHH, they just frickin’ ARE, dammit!… Stupid, stupid, mainstream socialist jerks!!!

Here is an exclusive extract for all Glossy News readers, subtitled (but not ‘entitled!’): Continue Reading

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British Right-Wing Media Infiltrated by Far-Left Entryists

British Right-Wing Media Infiltrated by Far-Left Entryists

Unsurprisingly, it turns out that the supposedly “right-wing” media in the UK has been infiltrated by malign and conspiratorial forces.

To wit, a vicious gang of far-left radical extremists™ who are attempting to destroy every last vestige of conservative, libertarian, classical liberal, theocratic and even any vaguely centre-leaning politics from the inside.

Rod Liddle murmurs:

Hey man, it was only meant to be a bit of a laugh. I’ve always had a soft spot for Old Labour.

I mean, all this time, I never intended to pander to Tories at all, let alone UKIP or BNP.

I mean, what I’m saying now is not that different from what us lefties were all saying a few decades back! Continue Reading

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Psst! By the Way, the Flâneurs are Coming… ;)

Psst! By the Way, the Flâneurs are Coming… ;)

Hm… I should probably be just that little bit sneaky and conveniently forget that I’ve already told you this, but:

I am setting the price of The Great Flâneur Massacre at $2.99. Hm…

Originally said ‘intended to set,’ but I’m trying to keep on your toes, like all good flâneur-professors say when their words are challenged ;)

I believe this is a fair price to pay for a first novella; particularly one which my esteemed colleagues at Glossy News weren’t prepared to turn their noses up at, when I published two samples!

I mean, these guys sure know their David Mitchell from their David Hassellhoff, or their Noel Gallagher from their… um, Gallagher. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Education0 Comments

My Novella. The Glorious Day of Epic Flâneurie Draws Ever Closer

My Novella. The Glorious Day of Epic Flâneurie Draws Ever Closer

Just yesterday I said:

My ebook novella The Great Flâneur Massacre will also be released on this date, for the princely and extravagant sum of just about $3!

Oof! I just don’t know how the hell I get away with such ruthless marketing tactics. 3 whole dollars for a mere novella that might just be the greatest thing since Swifted Jonathans! Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Entertainment0 Comments

Update on The Great Flâneur Massacre: Plus Two Free Books!

Update on The Great Flâneur Massacre: Plus Two Free Books!

To celebrate my self-publishing of my first extended work of fiction, The Great Flâneur Massacre, I am providing two free gifts to past, present and future readers. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Human Interest0 Comments

Berke Breathed Breathes Life Again Into Bloom County

Berke Breathed Breathes Life Again Into Bloom County

Berke Breathed, beloved cartoonist of the once greatly beloved cartoon Bloom County, has returned from the dead……

Oh…..

Wait a moment……he wasn’t actually dead……..

He only stopped making his cartoon for TWENTY-FIVE YEARS!!!!!!!!!

Bloom County, once one of the most syndicated cartoons in the US back in the 1980’s, will be soon be showing its multicolored face in the funny papers again.

Wildly amusing and wildly drawn the series followed the equally wild adventures of Milo Bloom, a lost penguin named Opus and his side kick Bill the Cat.

Bill the Cat……..

If there ever was a unique cartoon character to illuminate the Sunday paper it was Bill the Cat. Combine the worst elements of every American cartoon cat there has ever been going all the way back to Krazy Kat when newspapers were born and you would produce Bill the Cat. And, yes, that includes and surpasses Garfield.

Both Otis and Bill the Cat became icons of the 1980’s. Otis’s homely and lovelorn images graced many a number of plush and plastic toys, his protuberance jutting outward into prominence (I’M TALKING ABOUT HIS NOSE!!!!!!!!). Bill the Cat brought such manginess to the Sunday funnies that you were afraid to touch the paper for fear of getting ringworm.

One wonders why Breathed would return to his long forgotten cartoon after so many decades.

He says he was inspired by Donald Trump’s running for President.

????????????????????????????????(very pregnant pause)???????????????????????????????

OK………………………..

Well, it’s nice to know that something good came out of Trump’s announcement of his running, other than it messing up the Republican platform real good. Not that they don’t deserve him.

I can very much imagine the humorous potential the great orange haired one can inspire in an artist. Like Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead Breathed has risen Bloom County back from the deceased.

One has to wonder what Breathed has been up to the past 25 years.
Rumors abound:

One has it that he ran off with Brooke Shields to a desert island and had twenty five years of endless sex in paradise. Or that could have just been the plot of a movie I saw once.

Another said that he had joined a cult that lived underground in bunkers with elaborate tunnels going in all directions in preparation for any number of possible holocaustic disasters. He only quit when he found out the latest tunnel he was digging was to free Pablo Guzman.

Yet another said he joined the circus and performed as a lion taming clown trapeze artist, but gave it up because it never had the satisfying wildness that his cartoons had.

Then there is the rumor that he locked himself inside his one bedroom apartment watching endless reruns of Seinfeld, Bugs Bunny, the Twilight Zone and Ice Station Zebra while eating a steady diet of cheese puffs until he went quietly mad and realized that his only back to sanity was through his artistry.

Take your pick.

Either way, Trump barging full force upon the political scene threw some switches in his soul and brought him back to reality and to modern American civilization. Let’s just hope the 25 years of being lost will not be too much of a shock to him. We all use cell phones now Berke and Captain Kangaroo is no longer on TV.

So, welcome back Berke! Nice to see you again! Be sure to bring Bill the Cat and Opus along with you!

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NASA Pluto Probe Discovers Oddly Familiar Tabloid

NASA Pluto Probe Discovers Oddly Familiar Tabloid

Andromeda President: I don’t mind a few Milky Way types coming here the odd time, within reason, but they should bloody well accept the way we do things here!!!

Tearful Plutonian claims: My grandchildren are afraid of Neptunians who speak in senses they can’t understand!!! Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Human Interest0 Comments

The Great Flâneur Massacre: Novella Excerpt 1. Such a Song and Dance!

The Great Flâneur Massacre: Novella Excerpt 1. Such a Song and Dance!

This is the first of two samples from my novella ‘The Great Flâneur Massacre.’

At the rather pompous academic conference which is the centrepiece of this novella in dramatic format, Stamford Rhodes (Stamp) has just presented a patronizing paper…

Where he makes clear his achingly noble desire to save Tibetans from themselves.

The very idea that not all Tibetans may agree with his criticisms of China just blows his mind! Continue Reading

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God Issues Defamation & Copyright Cease and Desist

God Issues Defamation & Copyright Cease and Desist

One tragic “unintended consequence” of the DMCA is that it has resulted in a currently unverified premature leak of a document God was planning to reveal to the world.

Or at least to those who had ears to hear.

I can’t say for sure if the following transcript is for real.

Still, I guess this is one of those things. You either believe it or you don’t.

Listen, everybody. Now, I’m a pretty nice person. I mean, there’s no one in this world who is more loving and generous than me! Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Religionism0 Comments

Great Flâneur Massacre: Fictional Endorsements, Endorsements of Fiction (2/2)

Great Flâneur Massacre: Fictional Endorsements, Endorsements of Fiction (2/2)

Shhh. Don’t laugh. This is pretty damn serious stuff.

1.

Rob, Surname-Lacking and Achingly Committed Painfully Irritating Tenure-Cadger

“Relevant?” That’s a word people in power always use to dismiss me.

Endorsement from “Dr” Kent Hovind

Continue Reading

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Great Flâneur Massacre: Fictional Endorsements, Endorsements of Fiction (1/2)

Great Flâneur Massacre: Fictional Endorsements, Endorsements of Fiction (1/2)

I’ve already posted once on GlossyNews about The Great Flâneur Massacre.

And also on my satire blog: here and here. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Top Stories0 Comments

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened -Part 6

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened -Part 6

9/12/2001
THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED
Part 6
(A serial book excerpt)

In previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

READ THEM HERE: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Serious Commentary2 Comments

Preview for Self-Published Play: “The Great Flâneur Massacre.”

Preview for Self-Published Play: “The Great Flâneur Massacre.”

The you-know-where has been abuzz with speculation on the novella in quasi-dramatic form that Wallace Runnymede is due to self-publish in the near future.

(Well, June, actually. But then, why should Wallace Runnymede tell you the exact date at this stage? That would spoil all the fun; or Wallace Runnymede’s fun, in any case; which is not an entirely inconsequential consideration, after all).

However, the Malign-Forces-of-International-Creative-Transparency-Fundamentalism may be somewhat disappointed, that Wallace Runnymede’s first fairly lengthy work will be released under a pseudonym, and not under his real name. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Human Interest2 Comments

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