It seems Sarah Palin is looking to expand her approval among likely voters by looking in an unlikely place; the not-too-distant future. If she can dominate the emerging evangelist demographic, it may be enough to just push the vote, and indeed the country, over the cliff. Continue Reading

LONDON BRIDGE, Lake Havasu City, Arizona (GlossyNews) — In a recent, controversial paper for The Journal of Cultural History and Aesthetic Identity, historian Leonard Zelig claims that the works of late sixteenth century cultural giants Christopher Marlowe and Francis Bacon were actually written by a contemporary, a playwright named William Shakespeare, from rural Stratford-on-Avon. “This is going to shock a lot of people,” Zelig said in an interview with Gravier magazine, “But the evidence is pretty clear that this playwright named Shakespeare did all the writing. Two men could not have produced the vast amount of material attributed to them in so short a time.” Continue Reading

WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — Who’ll be chosen to fill Helen Thomas’s front row seat in the White House briefing room? With serious, big-time lobbying in full-out high dudgeon between Fox and Bloomberg, something has to give soon.

It seems to be slowly pointing to the man with the most — whoa here now — this just in … it looks like it is going to be announced in a minute or two that Fox will win out after all.

Public word from this just-released WHCA press release that Team Murdoch/Ailes have won, with their [secret] submission of the name that will fill that front row seat. Continue Reading

ODESSA, Texas (GlossyNews) — Aside from a few die-hard Republicans who can’t bring themselves to believe that George W. Bush is not the sharpest tool in the shed, most people thought Paul McCartney’s joke regarding George Bush not knowing what a library is was pretty funny and saw nothing wrong with it.

But, to make a point, folks gathered at a Dallas office building to get a first-hand peek at some of the books George W. Bush has read and what books and documents will be included in his memorial library expected to be built in the years to come. Continue Reading

Washington, D.C. (GlossyNews) -– Fur continues to fly over what some claim are very divisive comments by White House reporter Helen Thomas regarding Israel’s presence in Palestine. While Helen has apologized to everyone regarding the flap, the issue is just not going away and now she is losing speaking engagements because of it. Thomas is reportedly blaming a certain satire site for the insensitive comments made on video. Continue Reading

Foxpeter Grove, MD (GlossyNews) — The Onion, America’s premier satire and humor newspaper, shocked the literary world today by publishing an issue of ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORIES!

The US’s flagship smart-ass site today reported on several newsworthy incidents that actually happened. On page two, the Great O reported on a woman who, about to take a snort of cocaine found that the powder formed a perfect picture of the Virgin Mary. The woman, however, was a devout Buddhist (except for snorting cocaine) and snorted it up anyway. Continue Reading

South America (GlossyNews) — Industry insiders are saying reclusive, mysterious media titan Brian K. White has struck again, in his seemingly relentless march to replace Rupert Murdoch as the planet’s leading purveyor of nonsense.

In the wake of famed journalist Blake Pennywhistle’s mysterious disappearance, White spoke to reporters today from a secure, undisclosed location. “Nobody will miss Blake more than I. It puts a hole in my heart that will forever be there, blah blah blah. I’m glad he’s not sending e-mail to my teenage daughter any more, I will say that. I don’t think space aliens abducted Blake, mostly because I don’t know what space aliens would want with $7358 in cash that seems to be missing. Continue Reading

State of Denial – Mind-Body Medicine guru Deepak Chopra, author of such books as “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” and “The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire,” has done a complete about face and is now giving lectures based on his belief that the time for fixing things is over.

“They didn’t listen to me,” says Chopra. “I wrote book after book spelling it out for them and they still are choosing to be ignorant and haphazard in the way they go about their lives. Continue Reading

Mike Douglas, the young man killed by Laura Bush in a car crash in 1963, has demanded a cut of the royalties from her upcoming memoir. The book is being promoted entirely on the fact that Bush killed Douglas in a car crash and now feels bad about it. Sort of. In fact, the promo mixes up some kind of religious horseshit on top of the tragedy to make Bush come out some kind of hero. Continue Reading

Odessa, TX (GlossyNews) — Larry Kones, known as the Second Dumbest Man on Earth, has completed the memoir of the presidency of George W. Bush hitting the discount bins at bookstores nationwide on November 9. Ghost writer Kones was chosen from a pool of candidates known for their breathtaking lack of intelligence. A few of the runners-up were a worm, a piece of corn, a glass of water and a pickle. But Kones won out because of his impressive resume that includes lengthy stints as a hanger untangler for Goodwill, skyhook operator, professional snipe wrangler and his efficient “hunt and peck” typing style. Continue Reading

Bangor, ME (GlossyNews) — The Association for Library Associations’ director June Cleaver spoke to reporters this week to unveil a new library management scheme. Ms. Cleaver, resplendent in pearls and a powder blue dress, was upbeat on ALA’s new business model. Continue Reading

The Republican Party in conjunction with FOX News is celebrating their collaborative publishing effort, a new book called ‘Everything We Need To Know About Politics We Learned In Kindergarten’. Its publication has started such a buying frenzy among their constituents who can read that it rivals the success had by the coming out of Sarah Palin’s ‘Going Rogue’. The pundits of both groups are partying like it’s 1899. Continue Reading

This is an excerpt from N. A. Kay’s newly published illustrated novel Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man, illustrated by Daniel Meisels.

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Standing up to Intelligence

Chicken Butt thought he was smart, intelligent, insightful, and many other positive adjectives, but – as we all know – he was a contemptible chicken of a man. C. B.’s ego was always thinking up new ways to reinforce Chicken Butt’s bloated perception of himself. Actually, C. B.’s ego was really quite brilliant at it – as we have already seen. Anyways, C. B.’s ego, which for the purposes of this story we will refer to as The Great One from here on out, was lounging around dreaming up new ways to trick a loathsome chicken into believing that he was made for and of greatness. Continue Reading

This is an excerpt from N. A. Kay’s newly published illustrated novel Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man, illustrated by Daniel Meisels.

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The Flies and the Bugs

As I’ve mentioned many a time before, Chicken Butt, though he was a chicken, wasn’t an ordinary chicken. When he was entering adolescence he heard many ideas of what it meant to be a man, and, as most of us know, most of them revolve around sex. But Chicken Butt didn’t really get the idea of sex because he’s a chicken and everyone else was human – none of the females from his species were around. As such, he was much more interested in other male phenomenon. And from his pea-brained cognitive abilities, he came up with a theory, a theory to explain a male conundrum to men, women and humankind alike. He took it so seriously that he even wrote it down. Here it is for your viewing pleasure: Continue Reading

This is an excerpt from N. A. Kay’s newly published illustrated novel Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man, illustrated by Daniel Meisels.

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The Fierce and the Faint of Heart

Chicken Butt – being a chicken and all – was scared of many things; commitment, asserting himself, spiders, rodents, insects with more than two legs, household pets, domestic animals, public transportation, public restrooms, flea markets, grocery stores, supermarkets, almost all types of salads, computer games, video games, arcades,  televisions, advertisements, colour printers, police officers, mothers, fathers, adults, children, babies, women, swivel chairs, load noises, republicans, democrats, independent parties, soldiers, spies, C.I.A. agents, F.B.I. agents, liquid and bar soap, hand sanitizer, watches, cherries, cherry pits, microwaves, sidewalks – in general, everything outside of his chicken-brain. Continue Reading

This is an excerpt from N. A. Kay’s newly published illustrated novel Chicken Butt; The Story of a Man, illustrated by Daniel Meisels.

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Through the Chicken Brain

He was not a man, rather a chicken – the biggest chicken the world has ever spawned. Chicken Butt weighed one hundred and forty pounds and stood at six feet, making him the largest chicken that ever lived. He stood on gargantuan chicken legs which devolved into his chicken buttocks – the largest chicken-butt in recorded history – hence the name his parents gave him. The rest of his body seemed like that of a normal human, and, because of the fact, Chicken Butt was able to roam the streets as a regular man. Continue Reading

A new financial horror for professional English language writers has come about. It seems that in our modern times even written articles are being outsourced to other countries. Publishers on a number of freelance writers’ websites are requesting 500-page written articles on specific subjects. Continue Reading

LOS ANGELES / Chicken Ranch, NV — Hugh Hefner, long living the good life on the Playboy dime, has been sued for refusing to give it up for the sake of his failing company.

The stockholder class action suit is known as the “Cocktail Napkin Suit” because it was written and submitted on a stack of well-used cocktail napkins (referred in court as CN). It also continued the suit’s statements and claims on several ripped junk mail envelope backs (referred in court as JEB). Continue Reading