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Scoop!- Glossy Acquires Titles Of  Future Ann Coulter Books

Scoop!- Glossy Acquires Titles Of Future Ann Coulter Books

Ann Coulter, that famous extreme right wing author and the wicked witch of the North East That Baum didn’t write so much about in his Oz books is forever coming out with new literary tirades against those who, unlike herself, are not raised in families where you are constantly batted over the head with conservative ideals.

She believes that everyone should be like herself: demeaning, mean spirited, acid blooded, pale and fascist. Her main claim to fortune is the ability to every year or so come out with another book warning the world of how there are liberals around much like bedbugs in your mattress out to suck every drop of blood in your veins until you are a withered, dried up corpse, much like Ms. Coulter herself. Continue Reading

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Oprah Tackles The Great Outdoors, Announces Release of New Book

Oprah Tackles The Great Outdoors, Announces Release of New Book

Pale Rock, Arkansas – Following a fishing trip to the serene estuaries between the Ozark and Ouachita Mountains where Oprah Winfrey manhandled some extremely large fish, the popular talk show host has released a new book detailing her experience. “It really was an amazing experience,” Oprah stated during a recent show in which she cleaned and gutted a 230 pound Mike Trout that she caught during her trip. “I’m not a huge fan of touching the guts, but this particular fish had much smaller balls, so it wasn’t an issue,” Winfrey added. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Entertainment2 Comments

Seven Movies That Could Be Considered An Upgrade Upon The Books They Were Based Upon.

Seven Movies That Could Be Considered An Upgrade Upon The Books They Were Based Upon.

The constant thing said about movies based on books is always “how much better the book is.” On occasion, however, it does occur that the movie can go further than the book. A prime example of this is the sci-fi classic ‘2001 – A Space Odyssey’, the movie spectacular that transformed outer space movies from being campy kid stuff to being sleek, intelligent, well wrought adventures of the mind and spirit. The addition of HAL to the story, a renegade computer with the personality of C3PO and the cunning of Darth Vader, became a legendary sci fi ‘character’.
It is based on a short story called ‘The Sentinel’ by Arthur C. Clark, a genuine British scientist and renowned science fiction writer who helped director Stanley Kubrik write the screenplay which was considerable longer than the original story. Whereas the original story is perhaps a couple dozen pages long, the final novelization of the movie was book length long.

Tom Cruise had to give up a year and a half of his life to star in another Kubrik odyssey called ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ although the eyes of all the males in the audience were wide open when Tom’s real life wife Nicole Kidman opens the film with a strip tease in the very first scene. Later scenes amplified the amount of well maintained and proportioned naked female flesh that flattered the screen as Cruises character searches out a dirty rich men’s sex party complete with a June Tayler dancer like bit with all the luscious ladies a’ la buff’. Tom probably later regretted his long employment under Kubrik as he normally would have made several films in the same time which is proved by the Guiness Book of World records saying that ‘Eyes’ is the longest continuous made film ever made, taking 400 days to complete. Eyes ended up doing well in the theaters, taking in $162 million worldwide despite its strong sexual content. Kubrik himself although didn’t fare so well as he died five days after the film was finished.

‘Eyes Wide Shut’ is based upon an old German novella entitled ‘Dream Story’ by Arthur Schnitzler. It is a good and deep read, but without the depth and complexity that Kubrik gives it. Also it is minus the visuals of all the Playboy quality naked women. Strangely, Kubrik originally wanted to make the movie a comedy starring Woody Allen or Steve Martin.

‘Forrest Gump’ was the best selling book by Winston Groom. It concerns the unexpected adventures of a mentally diminished southern boy, who, despite his naivete and weak brain power, goes on to achieve minor miracles in his life. The film, with Tom Hanks embodying the half wit, gives it the star power that brought millions to view it. Director Zemeckis added his own touches to the story that gave it more dimension and spiced it with all the wonders that the radical 60’s had going. The crème of the cake was the rambunctious music of the time that gave Gump such great emotional appeal. Little Zemeckis touches made it scrumptious, such as Gump being edited into famous film footage of all the Presidents of the times. It also turns out that Gump was the unwitting author of many of the famous phrases we have grown up with including “Shit happens”.

One thing that the book has that the film doesn’t is that Forrest and Jenny “do it all over the place” where as in the movie they only ‘do it’ once–enough to produce a son. In the literary version he also gets to be an astronaut.
The film went on to be a huge hit internationally and has been included into the Library of Congresses national film registry as one of the greats of all time. A minor scandal ensued when it was realized that while Zemeckis and Hanks racked up big bucks with the film, Groom got diddly squat.

‘Polar Express’ is mostly a visually lavish childrens picture book with a bare bones story written and illustrated by Chris Van Allsburg. The tale of four children on their way to the North Pole was a winner as a book and a triumph of the imagination as a film. Director Zemeckis (again) turned it into a colorful opus using digital wizardry and the voice power of actor Tom Hanks (again), the same actor who sent Forest Gump off the charts. Whereas the book could be read in 5 minutes, the movie is a dazzling 100. The film also brought in $306 million dollars and was nominated for 3 Oscars–nothing to sneeze at, even if you are at the North Pole. Both the book and the movie are now considered to be Christmas classics.

All three of the latest Batman movies, ‘Batman Returns’, ‘The Dark Knight’ and ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ by director Christopher Nolan are heads and tails above the original comics in every way possible. While kudos must be given to inspireers Bob Kane and Bill Finger for inventing the masked avenger in the first place way back in 1939, it must be admitted that by today’s standards it was poorly drawn and a real basic story.

While the drawing and writing of the comic series has grown more sophisticated over the years, it took a major evolutionary leap with the publication of the ‘Dark Knight Returns’ by Frank Miller in 1986 transforming it from a cheap comic to an art form both literally and visually. But it is Nolan’s nuevo classic noir films that sent it into the stratosphere artistically. The films are story-wise greater with more depth and plot, more lavish in background and design, more sophisticated with content and inventions and more arresting to ones attention with the action and scenes. The Batman of Miller brought the Dark Knight into modern times, then Nolan propelled him into the inky-est of noirdom.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Talky Pictures5 Comments

Bill Kristol, Always Wrong, Moved to “More Appropriate” Weather Man Role

Bill Kristol, Always Wrong, Moved to “More Appropriate” Weather Man Role

Outspoken pro-war pundit Bill Kristol is making headlines again for his unwavering support for military action in Iraq and the world at large. Facing pushback, The Weakly Standard has moved him to a more fitting role: Weather Man.

“Look,” said Kristol. “I wasn’t wrong about Iraq. This president just chose to pull troops out at the wrong time and looks what’s happened, it’s a mess.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, War Zone0 Comments

The Many (questionable) Roads To Success

The Many (questionable) Roads To Success

So many are struggling in our current difficult economic times where the few controlling the financial strings of the country have the rest of us dancing around just to survive while they watch from the porches of their grand estates grandly amused.

In order to help those so afflicted (approximately 90% of the population) we offer this famous series of success videos and books designed to show you examples of what other individuals, groups and nations have done to win wealth for themselves. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Politics0 Comments

Pink Floyd to Release Children’s Bedtime Book: Dark Side of the Mattress

Pink Floyd to Release Children’s Bedtime Book: Dark Side of the Mattress

London – After decades of churning out original, trippy, bizarre and beautiful music and selling kazillions of albums, Pink Floyd have announced they intend to release a children’s book this summer. Titled, “Dark Side of the Mattress”, the book promises to break new ground in the young children’s genre.

The group felt they needed to shake things up and take a break from the studio. David Gilmour, guitarist and co-lead vocalist of the popular band said, “It’s a chapter book and has several chapter names that parents who were fans of our music will probably recognize.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Entertainment2 Comments

Top Glossy News February Stories Announced… Doozies Included

Top Glossy News February Stories Announced… Doozies Included

Well, it’s been a crazy month, and traffic has been higher than it has in at least a year, so here are the winners… and yes, there are some surprises in the mix.

The first surprise is that reigning champ, P. Beckert, opted out of the contest for February, leaving her very well read shoes to be filled and rewarded to other writers… Sure, those metaphors are overly mixed, but it doesn’t change the facts. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes6 Comments

The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer; a Review of Sorts

The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer; a Review of Sorts

Ok, so I’m taking my husband to work. On the radio is some guy telling me how I can improve my life through my thoughts. How I can make my intentions come true if I only change my thinking from negative to positive basically. I realize it’s Wayne Dyer discussing his book “The Power of Intention.”

I’m hooked, so I listen after I drop the husband off. Continue Reading

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January 2014 GlossyNews Winners Announced

January 2014 GlossyNews Winners Announced

January GlossyNews Winners Announced
We have the best satire staff in the game and it’s with glee I announce the winners of our January contest.

There was a delay in the announcement caused by, you know, let’s say “factors.” A couple are legit, plus also just being busy. Anticipation is a good thing, right?

I can tell you the final decision for the two judge’s choice awards wasn’t easy, but in keeping with tradition, it’s sure to ruffle a few feathers. But you’ll read about how rufflesome momentarily. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes6 Comments

Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi

Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi

Each week the Russian military, secret police and Sochi security authorities receive dozens of homemade videos made by ethnic Russians threatening terrorist attacks on innocent civilians at the Sochi Olympics.

Almost all are dismissed as the drunken rankings of misfits, homosexuals or comsymps.

However,in mid December they received a video from two Chechnyans taking credit for the terrorist bombing at a train station in Volgograd that killed 34 people. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Sports Events1 Comment

ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead

ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead

A highly respected writer for The Onion was found dead in near Fargo, North Dakota Thursday. The cause of death is still being investigated. The body of Kilroy Kovacs III, who went by the pseudonym “Kilroy”, was found in an abandoned house with a typewriter on his lap and an empty bottle of Jack.

Police are not saying if the 25 page document discovered in the immediate vicinity was a suicide note, but they are calling the death “suspicious”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Strange People10 Comments

The Best GlossyNews Stories of December, 2013

The Best GlossyNews Stories of December, 2013

We put out $275 in cash prizes for top authors last month, and while nobody beat the top archive stories, we still handed out an additional three cash prizes.

We set out three prizes. One for the top-read article, one for the “funniest” article, and one as a “judges choice,” but we paid out a total of six awards.

Well, we’ll never do that again. Funniest? Throw myself into a volcano before I try to judge such an arbitrary metric again. So many killer entries, how am I supposed to pick? Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes5 Comments

Fashion Industry schemes to Punish Men by turning Women into Freaks

Fashion Industry schemes to Punish Men by turning Women into Freaks

Dateline: LOS ANGELES — More and more consumers are aware that magazines hire Photoshop artists to doctor pictures of celebrities, as part of an elaborate ritual designed to appease the celebrities’ agents and to flatter the egocentric actresses so they’ll agree to pose for more photos for those publications. Wrinkles or other skin blemishes are airbrushed out, tummies are flattened, legs lengthened. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Health0 Comments

Elle Magazine’s February Cover to Feature X-Ray of Mindy Kaling’s Skeleton

Elle Magazine’s February Cover to Feature X-Ray of Mindy Kaling’s Skeleton

NEW YORK — Elle Magazine recently unveiled its February cover, which features an X-ray photograph of Mindy Kaling’s skeleton.

According to professional photography critic Gilroy Franscesco, “This cover is so magnificent and tastefully done that words simply cannot describe. That’s why it’s a picture.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Entertainment0 Comments

Colorblind Woman Cries After Reading The Onion

Colorblind Woman Cries After Reading The Onion

Napsanotices, Illinois – Following the advice of her trustworthy coworker on Tuesday, 27 year old, Jane DeWitt of the suburbs just outside of Chicago decided to purchase the ingredients for a roast brisket in order to comply with her coworker’s recommendation that she read the onion because of her desire to try new things and the belief that she would get a kick out of it.

“As soon as I got close enough to read the lines on the inner white rings, I knew that I had grabbed the wrong onion,” said a tearful DeWitt, while suffering from a bad case of dacryoadenitis.

DeWitt’s coworker of five years, Juliet Barone, had referred her to an article of the late Dick Clark poking fun at Ryan Seacrest from beyond the grave for his horrible performance on New Year’s Eve. Barone described the article as “the funniest and most accurate thing she had ever read,” in her proposal to DeWitt. “Even though I had the wrong onion, I still got a memorable laugh. Next time, I will purchase the red one that the recipe calls for,” added DeWitt.

Despite having an overpowering odor when being cut, the onion or allium cepa is the world’s most popular vegetable and was first cultivated more than 5,000 years ago in ancient Egypt.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes2 Comments

Sarah Palin Coloring Book Is Amazon’s New Top Seller

Sarah Palin Coloring Book Is Amazon’s New Top Seller

The former part-time Republican Governor of Alaska has a new coloring book called “Sarah Palin in Comparison” that broke a sales record for its publisher and now tops Amazon’s best seller list.

Earlier this month, Little Red Schoolhouse Publishing also produced “Ted Cruz to the Future,” a “comic activity book for all ages” featuring Sarah’s rival, a Lone Star currently rising in the Tea Party.

Surprisingly, the junior Republican Senator’s coloring book was a Texas-sized hit for the company, and became Amazon’s number one seller at the time. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Kidz Zone19 Comments

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