Philae Lander Voted “Bouncy House Of The Year”

Physics Today, the flagship journal of the American Institute of Physics, has announced the ESA Philae lander is the first winner in a new category in their annual awards for breakthroughs in physics, “Bouncy House Of The Year”.

“This year saw many breakthroughs, but the one that stood out from all the rest was the ESA’s repeated and successful bouncing of their 2 billion dollar lander on the comet 67P, lodging it on it’s side under a cliff, and rendering the lander useless and impotent to science” said AIP President Justin Fundworthy.

“By bouncing the lander several times yet remaining on the surface, the Rosetta and Philae team have proven when future human comet colonist rent a bouncy house for their childrens birthday parties, the bouncy house will not fly off into space” said Harry Johnson, editor of PhysicsWorld.com.

“It’s been an exciting year for physics, we commend the work of the nine runners-up but it’s hard to beat a good bouncy house GIF” said Dr. Johnson.

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CNN’s Anderson Cooper Interviews Donald Sterling

In his first public statements and media interview, Anderson Cooper sits down with LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling.

Cooper – So Mr. Sterling, what do you think happened to Flight 370?

Sterling – When I listen to that tape, I don’t even know how I can say words like that. … I don’t know why the girl had me say those things. Read more CNN’s Anderson Cooper Interviews Donald Sterling

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Lorde Accuses Papparazzo Of Taking Pictures Of Her In Public

Age ambiguous, teen pop music sensation Lorde, took to twitter this weekend to accuse a paparazzi photographer of maliciously taking photographs of her in public.

“This man has been stalking me, photographing me in public and refusing me my God given right to public privacy!” said Lorde in a Twitter rant on Saturday.

“I’m scared of him.” she added.

To support her position that people shouldn’t be deprived of their privacy while out in public, Lorde posted a picture of her alleged harasser and a link to his Facebook page. To drive the point home, she then posted two photos of Rihanna that the paparazzo in question took earlier this year.

“Those photos of Ri showed her glum, frumpy and without makeup. She looked like someone in ghetto flyover…and a rising star like me can’t have that. This last year pictures of me were distributed that showed my horrible, acne ravaged complexion and my flat chest. Another taken at the beach showed my pasty, cottage cheese thighs. How am I to improve business to male demographics, not to mention desperate fat-shamed women, if I can’t control the carefully manipulated image for which I paid good money?” Lorde later tweeted.

Not all her followers on twitter were sympathetic. When questioned about the apparent inconsistency of welcoming paparazzi at media orchestrated events, red carpets and debuts, Lorde responded, “That’s different. I had hours to spackle my face, get my hair and nails done, do some coke and adorn myself in borrowed jewels and De la Renta fashions.”

However, most fans of Lorde expressed support of the singer, right before they drove to the nearest convenience store to buy the latest New York Post, Star, Celeb Scandal and Daily Mail.

photo credit: annettegeneva via photopin cc

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Japanese Accused of “Fat-Shaming” Godzilla, Warner Brothers of “Cultural Appropriation”

As the film Godzilla approaches it’s US May 16th debut, the grievance industry got started early when the internetz and blogosphere exploded late Friday after a new trailer of the movie was released by Warner Brothers.

Japanese fan groups accused the current WB depiction of the monster as being “too fat” and “supersized like a #1 at McDonalds.” President of Tokyo based “Real Fans of Godzilla”, Fumihiko Yokohama said, “When I saw it, I was taken aback. The neck is to big and it’s too fat all the way down to it’s gigantic, massive butt.”

“Godzilla is a sleek, fast footed dinosaur, you know, like a Geisha, not a waddling, huge footed Rickshaw woman.” Fumihiko explained.

But posters on the Ginja blog Jezebel were not impressed. Staff writer Windy West wrote “How dare these Japanese mehn objectify and fat shame Godzilla! She is who she is as the Gaea Goddess Lokina made her! Accept her as she is and not how decades of mehn writers and directors have sexually objectified her! You don’t have gender privilege to her body!”

West continued “They’re probably all rapists anyways.”

As that imbroglio was unfolding, another catalyzed as members of the US based group “Eradicating Offensive Native Mascotry”, jumped on the banned wagon.

“It’s shocking and offensive to Native Americans that the white men of Warner Brothers would steal and exploit a significant religious symbol of Native Japanese Americans, for no other reason then to make an engaging movie and a profit,” said EONM Public Relations Director John Brown.

“The movie was made by a white dominated movie studio with a white director, white actors and filmed in white Canada. It’s cultural appropriation at it’s essence.” Brown added.

Calls to Warner Brothers for a response to these accusations were not returned.

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Clippers Owner Donald Sterling To Sell Team

At a press conference in Los Angeles this morning, Donald Sterling’s wife Roachelle claimed the NBA team would be sold in a matter of days.

Sterling, 67, who changed his name from Tokowitz so his unique brand of bigotry and racism would seem more ethnically ambiguous, has been embroiled in an intense controversy over apparent recorded racist comments he made to his 24 year old paid escort, arm candy and wannabee model, V. Stiviano. Sterling didn’t approve of her posting pictures on the internet of herself with black men or bringing Magic Johnson to Clippers games.

According to the recording, Sterling had no problem with V associating with black men or even sleeping with them, but the posting of pics and being seen publicly within 100 yards of Sterling made him the butt of jokes among others of Sterling’s “culture”.

At the press conference Roachelle Sterling said “It’s apparent the NBA, fans, people of certain mixed mud colors, anti-semites and jew haters do not want Donald in basketball, so we will be going somewhere where we’ll be appreciated.”

In other sports news Redskins owner Dan Snyder issued a press release midday indicating he was selling his team to an unnamed Los Angeles buyer in a IRS approved, 1031 exchange.

Both sales were approved by NBA and NFL owners along strictly religious and ethnic lines.

In related notes the Israeli parliament has approved designating Ethiopian immigrants of dubious hebrew heritage as 3/5ths real Jew.

photo credit: Tim Noakes via photopin cc

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Privileged Teenager Survives Harrowing Plane Trip in Coach

A 16-year-old trust fund brat survived a frightening journey halfway across the Pacific Ocean on Sunday after climbing into the coach section of a Hawaiian Airlines jet flying from San Jose to Maui. The boy emerged unharmed despite uncomfortable temperatures, coffin like cramping, a lack of oxygen, inedible meals and crying babies an FBI official said.

“How he survived I don’t know,” said Tom Simon, an FBI spokesman based in Honolulu. “It’s a miracle.” Read more Privileged Teenager Survives Harrowing Plane Trip in Coach

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