Folks in Pennsylvania have been complaining for years about all the taxpayer money they spend on lavishing their resident star groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, with the best hole in the county and some of the finest fruits and vegetables around. For what they’re spending, they don’t feel they are getting much more than a quick peek out the hole every year to see how much more of a winter they have to endure. Continue Reading

Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign. Continue Reading

Well, folks, you can stop wondering whether (1) Anderson Cooper is gay; (2) Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin are dating; (3) Kathy Griffin is really a guy; or (4) Kathy Griffin is really a guy, gay and dating Anderson Cooper who is also gay, because, evidently, after the ball drops in Times Square tonight, Cooper just may be setting himself up for an even bigger ball drop by proposing to Griffin. Continue Reading

Lee Henry Morgan, Warden at California’s San Quentin Prison is breathing a sigh of relief these days as the number of shankings in this infamously dangerous prison have decreased greatly over the past several months.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” said Morgan of the almost humane way prisoners are now treating each other on a daily basis.

Morgan credits a deputy warden’s suggestions with bringing about such an incredible change. “We have LeRoy Perkins to thank for accomplishing what no other man before him has been able to accomplish. Continue Reading

“I’ve given it much consideration,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie at an impromptu news conference called late Monday afternoon at the New Jersey diner where Christie is a regular customer. “I know that this decision will have a major impact on my wife Mary Pat, as well as my children, and so what I am about to tell you comes from my having spent hours upon hours upon hours spent in deep thought and reflection and it is a decision I do not take lightly.

With baited breath, the audience waited to hear those magical words, that Christie has decided to run for President.

“My fellow Americans, I am here today to announce to you my decision to choose a Weight Watcher’s diet over Atkins. My reasons for doing so…” but the crowd stood in silence. “You mean you’re freakin’ gonna finally go on a diet?” yelled someone from the back of the crowd.

“Yes,” replied Christie, puffing his chest out a bit more, so proud of himself and his decision. “Oh, and by the way, for the hundredth time folks, I am NOT running for President.”

“The pain, Thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over to the right.

“This one?” asked the dentist?

“Noph,” replied Cloris.

“This’n?” He asked as he hit the next tooth with his little silver hammer.

“Noph,” she said. “Nob fat one.” Continue Reading

The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during early bird special time, removing their gang regalia in the bathrooms, and then ordering meals consisting of 10 oz. ribeyes, a salad, and two sides, all for a portion of what they would pay after 6 p.m. Continue Reading

Paul Ryan is back home in Wisconsin and resting comfortably after suffering an attack by a pack of angry lemurs at a Southwest Florida elementary school where Ryan was speaking last Friday. “He’s got a few nasty scratches,” said Ryan’s wife, Janna, “but doctors expect him to make a full recovery within a few weeks.” Continue Reading

Friends of both Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper were elated when told that Cooper has finally given in to Griffin’s amorous advances and agreed to take her on a date.

“It was the next logical step,” claims Mitzi Moloney, one of Griffin’s closest friends. “After all, Kathy did spend the weekend at Anderson’s house doing everything but humping the furniture to get his attention.”

Cooper’s mother, while not exactly happy about her son’s choice of a date, says she is looking forward to meeting Griffin.

“Oh, I’m not taking Kathy to meet my mother,” said Cooper. “She’s not that kind of girl.”

Asked if seeing Kathy naked is what made him finally give in to Griffin, Cooper replied, “It didn’t hurt.”

Meanwhile, Kathy Griffin is said to be “over the moon” and says she is going to try to be on her best behavior this time. “I almost ran him off with my crazy antics,” said Griffin. “This time I’m gonna play hard to get and stay out of his drawers.”

Dick Cheney claims his new book In My Time is accomplishing exactly what he set out to accomplish, shattering dreams of an idyllic America and pissing people off. “This is a war zone people, and the sooner you get it into your thick heads, the better,” said Cheney at a recent book signing at the local Army Navy Surplus Store in downtown Des Moines, Iowa. Continue Reading

What began as a routine house cleansing by a local group of paranormal experts called in by Kate Gosselin to rid her home of some negative energy, turned into a blame game between Gosselin and the people trying to help her.

“If you can’t do the job you claim you are capable of, then just say so,” Gosselin reportedly screamed at Joe Heebie, the leader of PAPS (Paranormal and Parapsychic Services) of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. His partner, Carolyn Jeebies, claims the outburst was a result of Heebie telling Gosselin that he was pretty sure the evil she spoke of in her home Continue Reading

Michele Bachmann appeared on CBS’s Face the Nation Sunday to cover her tracks yet again with the familiar line “Of course, that’s not what I meant to say. I was just trying to be funny.” Bachmann was trying to explain away some comments she made last month linking Hurricane Irene and the DC earthquake directly to God’s displeasure with America.

Bachmann is becoming known for her proselytizing on the campaign trail and admits it is becoming a bit of a problem.

“I know I should be able to tell when God is speaking directly through me and when he’s just trying to have a little fun,” said Bachmann. “But honestly, sometimes, as the words are coming out of my mouth I think ‘whoops, God’s pulling another fast one on me,’ but by then, it’s usually too late.”

Due to America’s unusually high rate of unemployment, this is the first year since Labor Day became a federal holiday in 1894 that no workers will be taking the holiday off regardless of whether or not their employers are telling them to do so.

The lucky stiffs who actually have jobs are reluctant to take a day off for fear their position will be snatched up by the people they’ve been told “are waiting in line to take your job if you don’t want it.” Continue Reading

Glossy News is usually the first to get all the news that is fit to print out there for everyone in a somewhat timely manner. However, due to mechanical failures which have occurred in the past couple of weeks, the conveyor belt that runs the rumor mill has gone kaput.

Stories are being churned out manually, which is causing a backlog.

It’s slow going but it is going. You’ll see your stories up on the front page just as soon as possible.

The rumors being circulated that Lucille Ball has come back from the dead and is messing everything up with liquored-up candies are false. There is liquor involved, but no candies that we are aware of.

Thanks to all who write for Glossy News and thanks, especially, for your patience and understanding.

The California State Legislature has finally passed a bill banning all bacon and bacon-like products from the shelves of supermarkets and restaurants across the state in an effort to get Californians back on the healthy track. California is the first, and possibly the only state to take such drastic steps to protect its citizens from themselves. Continue Reading

As Hurricane Irene barrels up the eastern seaboard toward New York, many wonder how New Yorkers will fare once hit by a category 1 hurricane, the likes of which they’ve not seen in years.

Hurricane Irene is giving us an up-close-and-personal view of just what New Yorkers fear most if the storm does, indeed, hit them full on. Are they worried about losing electricity? Not having enough water or food? Losing their living space? Continue Reading