Taking a cue from the Red Shirt movement in Thailand where approximately 50,000 protesters siphoned their own blood to throw on members of Congress, Glenn Beck is considering asking his viewers to have their blood drawn and sent to his show in vials to be used in protest of the current administration.

Dubbed the “Red Sweater” movement, Beck believes that bloodletting is one of the most appropriate forms of protest especially in association with the debate on health care reform. “One of the oldest medical procedures known to man can now be a symbolic form of protest for those of us who believe that the current administration is ‘bleeding us dry’ with their socialist programs,” said Beck.

Hollywoodland Early reports out of Los Angeles have Sarah Palin mit entourage stocking up on luxury items at the pre-Oscars Gifting Suite hosted by Silver Spoon; however a Silver Spoon spokesperson says she was gracious and kind while she was taking, not grabby like some have accused.

Some eye-witnesses disagree. “It was like a scene right out of the Ten Commandments,” said Mitzi Hermozen, a well-heeled vendor handing out luxury manicure products at the suite. Continue Reading

Washington, D.C. – In what was hailed as a “good news, bad news” story today out of Washington, Subsidi-Farm, one of the nation’s largest agricultural companies, has been granted a federal contract to develop seedless, irradiated pot, which, among other things, will have a distinct yellow coloration to its leaves. Although seedless, the pot offers the same or better medicinal properties as that grown by private cultivators, due to the fact that all the plants processed will be female. Continue Reading

Half of Congress already reported to have applied for licenses.

HOUSTON, TX — Sarah Palin, speaking a few weeks ago at a rally for Rick Perry, referred to news about Texans wanting to secede from the union by saying, “They got that wrong. Texas today, I don’t think they’re seceding, they are succeeding.”

Upon hearing this, Debra Medina, the Tea Party candidate for Governor of Texas, called Palin to offer her services as a mentor on the differences between succession and secession, both terms being bandied about lately by the Tea Party movement and obviously causing Palin some confusion. Continue Reading

Pahrump, NV In one of his many “I told you so” moments, Glenn Beck has commented that he is the first one to tell his viewers that violence against the US government by fed up citizens was going to start to happen.

Boasting a 100% accuracy rate, Beck claimed that he is a hundred times better at predicting things than any psychic. “For years, I’ve been telling my viewers how fed up they are and how screwed they should feel, and now, after this past election, how I thought things were going to get ugly. Continue Reading

Last week, while Sarah Palin was busy making her rounds on the Tea Party circuit, expounding her views on who is and who is not a true Patriot, a group of Palintologists were busy digging up dirt in Palin’s own back yard. Reports are slowly coming in from Wasilla that one of the largest coprolites ever found was dug up just feet from Sarah’s back porch.

When Palin was advised of the find, she is reported as saying “I don’t know what the heck you’re talking about. I don’t have any corporate executives buried in my back yard, for heaven’s sake.”

Los Angeles, CA – “The times, they are a changin’, again,” remarked Henry “Pops” Champion to a group of medical marijuana clinic owners and pot growers who all agree that it is time to finally pull out all the stops in getting marijuana prohibition lifted in California, and eventually, nationwide. Pops has been a lifelong smoker and proponent of legalized marijuana.

“Way back in 1996, Proposition 215 was passed allowing anyone with a doctor’s note to cultivate and use medical marijuana in California for a number of ailments, and in our efforts to assist those folks by offering quality grown and processed medical marijuana–not that street dope–we’ve been harassed like common criminals, and it’s time we spoke up for ourselves,” Pops continued.

“Some folks say we want to make California the Netherlands of the United States. That’s simply not true. We don’t want to be another Netherlands. Hell, man, we can’t even speak Dutch,” said Champion, to thunderous applause.

Yuri Lehigh then took the stage. “Man, all our lives we’ve tried to tell people that pot is a lot less harmful than booze and pharmaceuticals, but would the Feds listen? No. Now, after years of abusing alcohol and pills in place of marijuana, only because we could obtain them legally, we find our health dwindling and, ironically, one of the best natural substances for our ailments, from tired eyes to over-worked livers is pot. When are they going to wake up and smell the bud, man?”

“I mean, have you seen the ads on television for some of those ‘legal’ prescription drugs they’re trying to push on us, man? Clear up your allergies, but at the same time, be careful cause you’re gonna get dizzy and pass out and have bad stomach cramps and diarrhea and what not, man, but yeah, like you sure will breathe better. That is like total bullshit, man,” said Lehigh.

He continued, “and booze and beer commercials, what the fu*k is that, man? Have a few beers at a game, drink yourself silly on some Spiced Rum or Kaluha at a friend’s house, but hey, don’t drive. How the hell do you think they’re gonna get home, man? Sure, like anyone is gonna drink responsibly. The whole thing’s a ruse, man. We all know pot is way safer and we have to find a way to get that point across.”

A budget of several million dollars has been put aside by private business owners to fund the marketing campaign on legalizing marijuana, as well as offering several marijuana-based products. We spoke to an ad executive sent to the meeting to get some ideas about what direction they want the ad campaign to take. “Off the top of my head, man, I think what we want to do first is alleviate the notion that pot is a gateway drug and instead, do a little play on words and portray pot as a ‘gateway to health’ drug instead.”

“Then,” he said, “we want to take marijuana as mainstream as we can as quickly as we can. Think Burt’s Bees-type coverage. This Burt guy starts out with a few beehives and selling honey by the side of the road and today, he’s got candles, lip balms, lotions, you name it, in drug stores and co-ops around the country. We want the same type of exposure.”

We wanted to know if he knew that there were already several ad campaigns running in the state of California trying to push legalization of marijuana, and he said that he did, “but,” he said, “they don’t seem to be making much of an impact. We think our campaign will push the Feds over the edge and ultimately give the people what they want. This isn’t about taxes, it’s not about politics, it is about people wanting their marijuana without going to jail for it, period.”

We asked him how you can market something that is still considered an illegal substance, and he responded by saying “the way we figure it, if we put it out there as a legitimate product, the Feds sooner or later will fold under the pressure of having to do their jobs and regulate it, just like in the pharmaceutical and alternative medicine industry, and that’s when we’ll make our move to get pot accepted in the public eye. We’re even thinking about a complete line of herb teas called ‘Mary-Jane Herbal Wonder Teas.’ With all the things you can do with weed, man, the sky’s the limit once it’s legalized, and we want to make sure we’re ready to deliver products when that day comes.”

The main target audience of the ad campaign will be the over-50 crowd who have been fighting the good fight for over 40 years now, and it’s a pretty safe bet that if pot were legal, would make up the biggest demographic for sales. Said Pops, “They love the shit, man, you know? And we’re gonna do our best to see that it gets legalized in our lifetime, so they can start enjoying it in as many products as we can come up with.”

Dick Cheney is said to be planning a not-so-surprise comeback for the 2012 presidential election, and he’s doing it this time vicariously through his daughter, Liz Cheney. Due to his dissatisfaction with the way the conservative party has so far been running (or not running) things, Cheney has again decided that the only way to get things back on track is to re-infuse some pure Cheney/Bush blood into the race.

Although Dick feels that he and George W. Bush were perhaps the most ideally paired presidential team since, well, ever, and there will never be another like them, which we certainly can’t argue with; and, as much as he would like to take the reins himself, he’s just not that sure about his health and that is ultimately what is keeping him from running.

Yes, the die-hard, irrepressible Mr. Cheney has a new plan of action that he’s working on worming into the Republican psyche little by little. We’re talking about the plan to offer up his daughter, Liz Cheney, to run as vice president to Jeb Bush’s run for president. Can’t you just feel that Dick genius starting to move the masses again?

While Dick is trotting Liz Cheney out to every conservative gathering hosted by everyone from the NRA to the Republican party itself, Daddy George H.W. Bush, at Dick’s command, is pushing Jeb onto the cable news shows with a full schedule of the old fake-out “no, nope, I’m not running,” so that when the time comes, conservatives everywhere will be begging him to run.

There may be a couple of things that could nip this pairing in the bud, though. Word has it that Jeb and Liz aren’t that fond of one other ever since they got in each other’s face way back when at a Kennebunkport gathering, when Jeb, quite a bit older than Liz, told her to “quit following me around like a puppy dog.”

“Since then, they find it difficult to be in the same room together, let alone even consider a presidential pairing,” claims an unidentified source.

So how, then, do Dick and H.W. plan on pulling off this shotgun presidential campaign? Some say Dick has his ways. “He’s not above torture, if that’s what it takes to make those kids see how important this is for the country,” said the same source, wishing with all his heart not to be identified.

While he may not sink so low as to waterboard his own daughter, which she would totally approve of, by the way, he could threaten her and Jeb by other means. Suffice it to say, he has the mindset and the wherewithal to get the job done.

Former Illinois Governor, Milorad “Rod” Blagojevich, impeached for trying to sell President Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat in 2008, and convicted on several federal conspiracy charges including “pay to play” schemes, has been asked to speak by a group of College Democrats at Northwestern University.

Title of the Event? “Ethics in Politics: An evening with Former Governor Rod Blagojevich.”

Idiots. What? They think he’s gonna be up front and honest with them? Guess they’ll just have to learn themselves. Just hope they don’t spend too much on the refreshments. Kool-aid should suffice.

In a post-rapture world, it is believed that atheists and agnostics may be faced with horrendous living conditions on Earth. However, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. With pre- and post-rapture business opportunities already beginning to spring up around the country, life on earth for those of you who aren’t going to make it through to the next round may still have somewhat of a silver lining if you plan ahead. Continue Reading

This past week the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) got underway in Washington, D.C., and there were no real surprises in front of the cameras, save for that magical moment when Dick Cheney appeared out of nowhere to chants of “Run, Dick, Run.” Continue Reading

Butte, MT – A new right-wing fringe political movement calling itself the Toilet Paper Nation or (TPN) is the latest and youngest grassroots movement to go after what they believe is a Washington that is out of touch with the youth of America. The movement, made up of mostly high school sophomores, has a simple message for Washington’s business as usual, “Washington, Sh*t or Get off the Pot.” Continue Reading

After not being allowed into a California Pizza Restaurant one morning earlier this month, about 100 members of the OpenCarry Movement went to another restaurant in Walnut Creek, CA to show their fire power in full force, except of course, there was no fire power. Just a bunch of folks with unloaded guns, exercising their 2nd Amendment rights and showing off the fact that if they had firepower, it would, well, be inside their guns and not sitting back at home or in some cop’s possession after having had it confiscated as contraband. Continue Reading

Threatening the first ever lawsuit of its kind, two major media outlets, MSNBC and CNBC are kicking around the idea of asking a Federal Judge to decide if Palin is required under the 1st Amendment to issue free press passes to her upcoming March 12 speech at the Rosen Shingle Creek Resort in Orlando, FL. Continue Reading

Get in on the action. Anonymous Donor has just offered $1 Million to the first person to come up with a plan to wipe that “Smug Ass Look” off Dick Cheney’s face.

Hollywood, CA – If there is one thing you can say about the folks in Hollywood, it is the fact that they never miss an opportunity to capitalize on a new trend, even if it sometimes goes against everything they claim to believe in.

Case in point. With groups like the OpenCarry Movement taking center stage espousing their God-given rights to carry a weapon anyplace they darned well please, it just stands to reason that those folks are going to expect entertainment that they can relate to, Continue Reading

An Orlando woman was arrested for welfare fraud last weekend for trying to sell her monthly food stamps on the Florida black market in order to scrounge up the $50 necessary to buy a gallery seat to Sarah Palin’s speech to the Daytona Regional Chamber of Commerce in Daytona Beach.

The speaking engagement was originally planned as a dinner event with seats going for $150; however, due to a high demand for more seating, gallery seats that did not include dinner were added to the venue at $50 each.

Said the arresting police officer, “Isn’t it ironic that the woman was willing to give up food for a month just so she could watch Sarah Palin and others dine on lobster and steak. What a crazy world we live in.”