Nightmares Prompt Kim Jong-un to Take Up Zumba

Apparently, fear of his dead father is resurfacing in a big way and has been keeping N. Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un up nights for well over a year now.

The leader is said to be suffering from an ongoing bout of the vapors, leaving him feeling puny and out of sorts.

A recurring nightmare finds the North Korean leader face-to-face with his not-so-dead father who is taking the pudgy little tyrant to task for not being such a tyrant after all. Read more Nightmares Prompt Kim Jong-un to Take Up Zumba

Share

Miley Cyrus Quotes ‘Then’ and ‘Now’

My, oh my, have times changed. Just a scant three years ago, Miley Cyrus quit the Disney Channel, and her role as Hannah Montana, to become America’s most-watched sex kitten. Talk about your quick-change artists.

We thought it would be fun to look back at some of Miley’s quotes, many made during her Hannah Montana years, and update them to give you a peep show of what the all-grown-up child star is up to these days.

MC Then: My mom is always telling me it takes a long time to get to the top, but a short time to get to the bottom. Read more Miley Cyrus Quotes ‘Then’ and ‘Now’

Share

Woman Sells Set of Dinosaur Cheese Puffs for $495 on eBay

Helen Crumples is almost $500 richer today after accepting the highest bid on eBay for her “dinosaur” cheese puff collection.

The set of five Chester’s Puffcorn snacks, which look amazingly like miniature brontosauruses, were discovered by Helen while tidying up her son, Seth’s room.

“I’ve joked a number of times that looking for anything in Seth’s room is like going on an archaeological dig. Little did I know that I wasn’t too far off the mark,” said an elated Crumples. Read more Woman Sells Set of Dinosaur Cheese Puffs for $495 on eBay

Share

Idaho State Senator Furious Over Virtual Lap Dance Ban

BOISE, Idaho – Sen. Sam Getzless of Pocatello, Idaho is fuming mad about the recent bill passed in his state banning virtual lap dances, otherwise known as “laptop dances.” Getzless claims the ban will affect roughly half the population as roughly half the residents of Idaho are male. Roughly.

“What a man does in the privacy of his own home should be sacred,” said Getzless, after waiting for the results of a vote on the Senate floor. Read more Idaho State Senator Furious Over Virtual Lap Dance Ban

Share

Avid Golfer Furious Over Woman Buying 9 Iron as Weapon

SUN CITY, Florida – George ‘Mac’ McGruder, 69, has been golfing ever since he was old enough to hold a golf club. Wednesdays have always been his golf days, even when he was a physician and ran his own practice.

“The girls in the office knew not to bother me on Wednesdays,” said Mac, “unless, of course, someone was dying,” he added.

So when Mac overheard a woman at his favorite golf pro shop ask the clerk what the heaviest club in the set was, he assumed she wanted to know which club would drive the ball the farthest. What he heard next though came about as close to heresy as he could imagine. Read more Avid Golfer Furious Over Woman Buying 9 Iron as Weapon

Share

Giant Sinkhole Draining Gulf of Mexico

NAPLES, FL – Despite warnings of rising coastal waters around the globe, scientists, in late 2012, found that the coastal waters abutting the Gulf of Mexico were actually declining at a rate of .001 (1/1000) inches per month. While in and of itself, this seems like an insignificant amount of change, over the course of the past year or so, the coastal shores have grown by more than that amount, or roughly .07 inches (7/100) or more. Read more Giant Sinkhole Draining Gulf of Mexico

Share

American Babies Now ‘Made in China’

Nowadays, Americans would be hard-pressed to find an item for sale that doesn’t have the ‘Made in China’ stamp on it. Go to any box store and chances are whatever you are buying was either manufactured, processed, assembled, or designed in China.

And now, believe it or not, you can also get a newborn baby, gender of your choice, made in China. The babies, guaranteed to be of 100% American mixed blood (what child in America today is 100% anything?), and they come in a variety of skin tones, from freckled to brown, tan to olive. Read more American Babies Now ‘Made in China’

Share

The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer; a Review of Sorts

Ok, so I’m taking my husband to work. On the radio is some guy telling me how I can improve my life through my thoughts. How I can make my intentions come true if I only change my thinking from negative to positive basically. I realize it’s Wayne Dyer discussing his book “The Power of Intention.”

I’m hooked, so I listen after I drop the husband off. Read more The Power of Intention by Dr. Wayne Dyer; a Review of Sorts

Share

Disease-Free Pee-Pee and Wee-Wee Bracelets Banned

I [Heart] Boobies bracelets are catching a lot of flak from adults who say their teen children shouldn’t be wearing them even if it is to promote a good cause, i.e. fighting breast cancer. And now, there are two other bracelets that are creating a stir on high school campuses.

“I [Heart] My Ha-Pee Pee-Pee” bracelets for guys and “I [Heart] My Ha-Pee Wee-Wee” bracelets for girls are actually being banned in many schools across America. The golden latex wrist bracelets were introduced into schools last week by a non-profit group who claims they are doing everything they can to bring to light the upsurge of sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) among teens. Read more Disease-Free Pee-Pee and Wee-Wee Bracelets Banned

Share

Strange Hieroglyphics Found on Russian Meteorite

Chelyabinsk, Russia – Scientists have located a large chunk of the Chelyabinsk meteorite that came crashing down in Siberia on February 15, causing injuries in this small village in the Ural region of Russia.

The fragment was recovered from Lake Chebarkul by astronomers from the Ural Federal University and brought immediately to an undisclosed location for further examination.

News of a strange encryption on a large part of the meteorite indicates that this is no ordinary rock from outer space, but could possibly hold the key to the question “are we alone in the universe?” Read more Strange Hieroglyphics Found on Russian Meteorite

Share

Mysterious Oracle Appears in Sedona; Predicts Ugly Future for Wealthiest

Now may not be the best time to win the Mega Lottery or come into an inheritance from your wealthy relatives, according to a new young Oracle who has mysteriously appeared in Sedona, Arizona, and has begun predicting the future. And don’t even think about striking it rich on Wall Street.

Scaramantha, who appears to be of eastern Indian descent has taken a spot atop a well-known vortex on a red rock butte overlooking Sedona, Arizona, and has begun speaking in Iambic Pentameter. Read more Mysterious Oracle Appears in Sedona; Predicts Ugly Future for Wealthiest

Share

Duck Dynasty’s Uncle Si Fires Assistant Over Clean Tea Cup

Anyone who watches the A & E reality hit show Duck Dynasty, is familiar with not only Uncle Si, but his perpetual sidekick, a vintage Tupperware tumbler he carries everywhere he goes. Si is never without a container of sweet tea to keep his tumbler half full or half empty, whichever way the day is going.

The cup has become a running gag on the show. The way it was explained in the first season of the show is that when Si went to Viet Nam, his mama packed away his tea tumbler to go with him. He has had it in his hand ever since and needless to say, it is practically a sacrilege to mess with Uncle Si’s tea tumbler. Read more Duck Dynasty’s Uncle Si Fires Assistant Over Clean Tea Cup

Share

Vladimir Putin Wins First Gold Medal of the Olympics

Russian President Vladimir Putin, well-known around the world for his affinity for winning at all costs, won the very first gold medal of the Winter Olympics in Sochi, for Mother Russia.

Putin had originally planned to sit the Olympics out, but when he saw that his fellow Russians weren’t doing well in one competition, the one-man luge, ice dance, snowball shot put triathlon, he decided to declare himself a team member, grabbed a Snickers bar, and handily won the event. Read more Vladimir Putin Wins First Gold Medal of the Olympics

Share

Dennis Rodman Admits He May Have Tiger Blood Also

Dennis Rodman is in rehab. Big surprise after his latest trip to North Korea. Yeah, he got drunk, big whup. He was probably high as well on some good Korean ganga too. Anything papasan want? Anything? You name it Joe, we get for you.

“Yeah, I want the biggest-ass bottle of sake you got and a bowl-ful of that Korean home grown, thanks kindly, Kim.”

And then this, “You know man, I am like so Charlie Sheen-ing right now. I swear I got tiger blood.”

You want holang-i pi? Joe? Tiger blood. Get Joe some tiger blood.

“No, no man, my blood, it’s like…oh never mind.”

[takes another hit off the makeshift bong made from an old piece of pipe and some rice paper]

“What was I saying? Oh yea, Tiger Woods, no…wait yeah, I wanna go golfing. You got clubs?”

Oh yeah, Joe, we got clubs, and rockets, nuclear ones, better than clubs, clubs are for suckers.

“No, no, man, c’mon, give peace a chance. Golf, I want to go golfing…”

No, Joe, we don’t have golf here, fees to club are too expensive. Damn Americans. Sorry Joe, present company excluded.

“Uh, okay then, I think Imma head back over to the states and soak in a hot tub someplace where they know what the hell golf is or whatevahhhh.”

[Takes one last hit off the bong and finishes up the sake before laying back on the comfy floor mattress and lets out a little roar, more like a yawn, really, and crashes for the night.]

Share

Woody Allen–A (Inappropriate) Touching Story

Woody Allen’s adopted daughter, Dylan Farrow, finally came out in the open, to the world, about the abuse she suffered at the hand of her adopted father, Woody Allen. This is my reaction.

I can’t remember the last time I saw a Woody Allen movie. Maybe in the 80s? I don’t know why, but the luster wore away from one of two things, either he wasn’t funny anymore, or well, just that. I didn’t find his films as entertaining as I once did. Or maybe it was about the time the news hit that he had been cheating on his wife (common law), Mia Farrow, with his (kinda-sorta) step-daughter, Soon-Yi Previn. I remember how sickened I felt. Read more Woody Allen–A (Inappropriate) Touching Story

Share

GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama gave his 5th State of the Union address. It was a mixed bag, if you ask anyone who was listening. As usual, Obama failed in his attempt to bring the country to a closer understanding of each other. The GOP response to the SOTU address proved that point.

Putting up a woman to do a man’s job was a ploy the GOP is good at, and they didn’t disappoint this time either. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state delivered the counter-punch to the collective Obama gut Read more GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration

Share

Sarah Palin’s Heritage Linked Back to Salem Witch Trial Era

A reading of parts of a manuscript dated to 1692, has been found to contain the surname Ward. This name, when researched, may suggest that Henrietta McAutrey, nee Ward, is a thrice-removed cousin of our own Sarah Palin.

You may think that Henrietta Ward was one of the accused witches prosecuted during the Salem Witch Trials, given who she may be related to. However, Ms. Ward was actually a cousin herself of Cotton Mather, one of the foremost proponents of evil spirits Read more Sarah Palin’s Heritage Linked Back to Salem Witch Trial Era

Share

Major Paint Company Admits ‘Faux Touches’ Ploy to Sell Paint

Today, a major paint company admitted to tricking its customers into buying paint they didn’t need by introducing new painting techniques to ‘jazz up’ their living spaces, and then forcing them to buy more paint to cover up the hideous results.

Titanic Paints based out of Buffalo, New York, made the confession when it’s new President and CEO, Johann Johannssonn, called for more transparency in the company’s public relations. Johannssonn joined the company after its former President and CEO retired after 50 years of overseeing the business. Read more Major Paint Company Admits ‘Faux Touches’ Ploy to Sell Paint

Share