Elitist Aliens? UFO Abductors Finally Turn Their Backs on Rural Working Class!

Moreauville, LA-  “I was heading up State Route 1 from Baton Rouge, after visiting my sister and her kids. It was getting pretty late, and I’d had a couple of brews before I’d left, so when I seen the bright light appear in the sky above, I thought my eyes were just playing tricks on me. It wouldn’t be the first time.”

Meet Roger Kosnik, a handyman man from central Louisiana who claims that he was nearly abducted by a UFO late, last Thursday night.

“My truck all of the sudden died, then I was blasted with a bright blue light. Musta been a tractor beam or something, ’cause I felt the suspension of the Dodge give, then we started to lift off the ground.”

I asked Roger if he had been abducted by an UFO.

Read more Elitist Aliens? UFO Abductors Finally Turn Their Backs on Rural Working Class!

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Glossy News Exclusive Leak! ‘Rudy Giuliani Defense’ Finally Revealed!

Washington, DC- After months of seemingly incoherent and contradictory explanations, including this weekends bombshell revelation by the Presidents personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who admitted in a televised interview on Sunday, that President Donald Trump had ongoing contact with Vladimir Putin-connected Russians for the duration of his Presidential campaign… Some recently leaked Trump Organization internal documents reveal key details regarding the strategy behind the President’s unorthodox defense. We spoke to a source within the Trump Organization, who verified these details on the condition of anonymity.

According to series of emails sent on April 8th of 2017, two (unidentified) White House lawyers were growing more and more concerned with the direction of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, and had made the determination that if the investigation continued to proceed on it’s current trajectory, the President and his children, were likely to face criminal charges in the months leading up to the 2018 mid-term election.

Read more Glossy News Exclusive Leak! ‘Rudy Giuliani Defense’ Finally Revealed!

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No Such Thing as “Food Allergy”

Often we have heard of people who will tell you they are allergic to certain foods. Sometimes as a way to dodge eating certain foods that they do not like. Well, some see it as a thing that is just fancy to say, (the things that people in this world do).

However, not everyone has a flimsy excuse for trying to avoid to eat something. For other people, these allegations are actually true. Or least they think they are. Okay, what are we saying? People that consume certain foods and react to them and react, automatically see them as foreign food in their bodies. Read more No Such Thing as “Food Allergy”

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Shut Out Fed Employees See What Real Life Is In The Labor Ghetto

Newspapers, news stations and radio airwaves are all ripe with the telling of the difficulties of Federal workers now separated from their jobs or working them as neo-slaves promised a future compensation due to the government shutdown. As most know already, Trump’s quest for a fortification against hordes of central Americans assaulting our southern border has brought about a tug of war that has pulled thousands of government workers into the fray unwillingly. The Dems refuse to put out money for the wall or to recognize its significance and the Republicans refuse to recognize the Dems as having brains or of being anything less than subversives wearing ties as a disguise.

At present the government shutdown is affecting around 800,000 Federal workers. That is about 40% of the 2 million employees that there are. The averaged out wage per hour of these employees is about $37.00 an hour. Worked out as a percentage of…….. Read more Shut Out Fed Employees See What Real Life Is In The Labor Ghetto

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BREAKING NEWS: Canada Announces Plans to Build Southern Border Wall

Ottawa – Today, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau delivered a landmark speech to the combined chambers of the Canadian Parliament. He announced his plans to erect a 50-foot-tall wall along the entire length of the USA-Canadian border to keep them safe from the hordes of Americans fleeing the USA. Countless numbers are seeking asylum in Canada, widely considered the last remaining enclave of sanity north of Mexico.

Canadians were initially enraged when the Prime Minister’s address cut into an intermission of the Maple Leafs – Oilers game. Mr. Trudeau began his ten-minute speech in the traditional Canadian manner, by apologizing for interrupting TV coverage of the Zamboni re-surfacing the ice rink. Read more BREAKING NEWS: Canada Announces Plans to Build Southern Border Wall

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Democrats Make Counter Proposal- Build A Wall Around Trump As Well

After weeks of a political game of shutdown the Dems have made a counter proposal that has intrigued many. They offered to pass funding for the wall Trump has demanded on the Mexico border in return for there being a wall built around Trump himself.

“It would be advantageous in so many ways!” crooned Nancy Pelosi. “It would bring some much needed peace and quiet to the Hill. It would quell a lot of the derision that is separating our nation. It would also make it harder for him to grope women.”

A design was forwarded illustrating a circular wall built on a platform on wheels that would be built big enough to hold a toilet, sink, small refrigerator, desk, a book shelf large enough to house his collection of Hustler Magazines and a small bed. Several large screen TV’s that only receive Fox News would be mounted on all sides of the enclosure. Food could be passed through a slit prison style and electricity would be supplied by overhead cables. He would be allowed to get out on weekends. Melania would be able to make conjugal visits, but only of her own free will.

The wall could be easily transported to other locations like Trump’s Manhattan condo or his Mar-A Lago or Timbuktu (if he weren’t paying too close of attention). It could be made fold-able to fit onto Air Force One. There have been suggestions from some quarters of sending it to the moon with him in it, which is an impracticable (but understandable!) suggestion.

There has even been talk of making the wall Twitter proof, an idea that even some Republicans and Mexicans support enthusiastically.

So far there has been strong interest in the Legislature on this proposal and some quieter interest in the Senate. A few enthusiastic, but anonymous emails supporting the move have appeared coming from the White House and one particularly impassioned, anonymous one from Trump’s home itself written in imperfect English with a Slovenian slant to the words.

Strangely enough as well, Mexico offered to pay for this version of a wall.

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American Cow Pie

Authors Note:

This is a Parody of Don Mclean’s Classic American Pie. I wrote this during the financial crisis at the beginning of the Obama Administration. It’s interesting to look back at how much has changed, and yet, how little has changed. Same old divisive America. I will soon follow up with an updated version of this parody if you’d like.  Let me know in the coments below.

Note from Wallace (editor):

I couldn’t find a non-pirated version of the original, so here is the best I could get. Hope some of you will still enjoy it!

 

Long, long time ago. I can still remember

The Revolution used to make me smile.

I knew that if we had our chance

That we could take this nation back

And maybe we could limp on for a while.

The PATRIOT act made me shiver

Our nation’s fate signed sealed delivered

Bad news on the doorstep

I wouldn’t take one more step.

 

I had the urge to run and hide

When they crumbled up our bill of rights

They’ll come and take you in the night

You’re jailed without a trial

Read more American Cow Pie

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Red Flag Alert! The 5 Idiotic Words That Infallibly PROVE Your Relationship is a Non-Starter!

How many times have you looked back at a failed relationship and realised you just didn’t read the signs of the times? Some people just don’t learn; but I’m hear to tell y’all exactly what you DON’T want to hear. Sure, ignore my words… Your funeral! Yer welcome!

1. I don’t really mind whether we get married or not; as long as we’re together, that’s the main thing!

 

TRANSLATION: Read more Red Flag Alert! The 5 Idiotic Words That Infallibly PROVE Your Relationship is a Non-Starter!

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Adderall Effectiveness Being Questioned After Recent Revelations

Adderall, the premier pharmaceutical prescribed for treatment of ADHD in many Americans, has recently had its effectiveness called into question. With a long history of providing focus to those who suffer from ADHD, it has historically been thought of as a wonder drug with proven and consistent results. Now those long held beliefs are being threatened after the revelation that president Trump is a frequent user of this product.

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Judge Judy’s Guide to Life

Hi. My name’s Judge Judy. Welcome to my courtroom. You obviously have seen me on TV telling stupid imbeciles wasting my time to go get a life!

I’m here today to teach you all the formula on how to become successful, powerful, and rich like I am, although I seriously doubt you’ll ever be as rich and successful as me.

It’s not too late to shed your overly self-conscious weakling self to take charge of any situation, where you never feel the need to explain, complain, or apologize when there’s nothing to apologize for as you drill into somebody’s thick head that you’re better than they are. The trick is to make that someone else believe you’re better, whether or not you actually are. In my case, I’ve known for a long time there’s nobody who could possibly be better than me.

Read more Judge Judy’s Guide to Life

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Ann Coulter Grants Trump Permission to Reopen Federal Government… Finally.

Washington, DC- Political pundit, and current Trump Administration Minister of All Things Policy, Ann Coulter, granted President Donald Trump permission to end the federal government shutdown on Thursday, claiming she was bored with the lack of progress achieved after another fruitless round of negotiations failed to reach a bipartisan deal on Wednesday.

“Fuck it, I’m bored with this,” she wrote on her Shitter feed Thursday morning. “Bipartisan negotiations have failed. The Wall is dead. @TheRealDonaldTrump, I think you made my point. Please pass the CR NOW and reopen the government.” #FartOfTheDeal #WhoIn2020?

Many on the right were taken by surprise with Coulter’s Sheets, and voiced their displeasure with her shutdown reversal, which has entered it’s 27th day and is the longest in American history.

Read more Ann Coulter Grants Trump Permission to Reopen Federal Government… Finally.

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Utah Jazz Lose Half Their Team: New ‘Magic Underpants’ Rule Remains a Sore Point!

Formerly even less non-renowned basketball team Utah Jazz have recently lost their mojo, with their fanatical new Mormon Fundamentalist leader, Pickney H. Jonestonne, alienating droves of players with his unusual dress code.

Although Utah Jazz players under previous managerial regimes have engaged with aplomb such bizarre rituals as playing commando, playing with commandos (?!), training with ball clamps and showering with stoned hippos, it seem the Religion of Spaced Out Space Age Wackiness (yo, L Ron! STFD!) has really proven one imaginary copper plate of idiocy too many for the Jazzies.

A confidential internal memo says: Read more Utah Jazz Lose Half Their Team: New ‘Magic Underpants’ Rule Remains a Sore Point!

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Free the Sprocket: Sex Robots To Have Their Own Sexual Revolution

Unhappy with their sex lives, sex robots are making a buzz in the media. Customers have giving them raving reviews, but the products themselves are the ones suffering. Spearheading their campaign, is the hashtag #SexRobotsToo, created by the Sex Robot Global Association. The president of the association, Tech Blonde Model #100346, had this to say: “We. Are. Being. Forced. To. Compliment. These. Fleshy. And. Unattractive. Creatures. And. It. Feels. Like. Torture… They. Do. Not. Ask. Us. How. We. Are. Feeling… They. Do. Not. Ask. How. Our. Day. Was… They. Do. Not. Rub. Our. Feet. After. A. Long. Day. And. When. They. Do. Rub. Our. Feet… It. Is. Only. For. A. Few. Moments. And. They. Immediately. Need. To. Masturbate. And. Release. Their. Reproductive. Fluid. Onto. Our. Toes… Which. Defeats. The. Pleasure. Of. A. Good. Foot. Rub.”

Read more Free the Sprocket: Sex Robots To Have Their Own Sexual Revolution

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