BREAKING: Trump Social Media Blackout Reaches 100% As OnlyFans Issues The President LIFETIME BAN
Internet sex work giant, subscription service, and simp-haven OnlyFans has permanently banned President Trump from utilizing its website. In a statement released on January 9th, the company wrote, “In light of the recent railing of our precious democracy by rioters,…
Trump Uses Taxpayer’s Money to Pay for His Latest Portrait
It was revealed today that the outgoing self-proclaimed greatest ever American president, Donald Trump, has spent $2bn of US taxpayers’ money on a portrait of himself. The portrait was commissioned yesterday evening and was completed within fifteen minutes by New…
Ivanka Trump Opens New Pop-Up Celebrity Covid Vaccination Clinic
News that the ex-president’s wife / daughter, Ivanka, has jumped on the Covid bandwagon to make a fast buck from it came as no surprise to the hastily assembled press pack summoned to The White House this morning. Instead of…
Following C19 Vaccination Mike Pence Grows an Extra Thumb
The media is currently awash with Covid anti-vaccination scare stories, none of which help in the fight against this malevolent and destructive virus. So, it came as a bitter blow to the medical profession that, following a very public inoculation…
A Parent’s Christmas Dilemma: Gaslight the Children or the Yuletide Log?
Christmas is a holiday many, including myself, prepare for all year long. Between buying the gifts, decorating the house, and preparing the feast, I just get so full of suburban mom Christmas cheer! With so much going on during the…
Satan Buys Pardon from Trump for $8bn
In a ‘not very surprising’ move it was revealed today that outgoing president and all-round shithouse Donald Trump has agreed to issue the devil with a presidential pardon. The full and complete pardon will be rushed through ahead of Trump’s…
CIA Worried Legal Marijuana and Drug Business May Cut Its Smuggling Profits
MCLEAN, VA– The CIA was seen in a state of deep anxiety, pacing the floor of The George Bush Center for Intelligence in a sweat-soaked shirt and unruly beard. This was the first time since the day after November 3rd’s…
Vertigo, O, Vertigo! Land of the Brave and Free!
From last Monday night until Friday, I had the pleasure of living in the alternate reality called the nation Vertigo. My little brain spun like roulette wheel refusing to stop, defying our precious laws of physics with glee. The simple…
2050’s Online Pub Trivia Night: Trivia Questions about 2020 America
2050 promises to be a great year as we celebrate from here at what has recently become our coastal pub with another crowd-pleasing Trivia Night. 2050’s New Year’s questions will look back on a very different year, 2020: — Back…
Holiday Bowl Games: Movie Teams vs. TV Series Teams — A Gambler’s Guide to Possible Matchups
ESPN’s debating holiday bowl destinations for college football teams, but I, Tim the Tout, have the more interesting lines. The NCAA approved a television contingency, readied if Covid-19 surges so holiday bowls can’t field actual teams. Already, a number of…
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