You Can Take a Hike

You Can Take a HikeLately, whenever someone invites me to go hiking, my response is usually: “You can take a hike.”That’s because, I really don’t care for hiking.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not lazy. Okay, maybe that’s a lie. But I used to take long walking excursions all the time. It’s one of my wife’s favorite leisure activities – so much so that she snuck it into our wedding vows: “I promise to love, honor and cherish you – and take annoyingly long, arduous hikes into mosquito-infested woods in the middle of nowhere – so long as we both shall live” I probably should have read over our vows a bit more carefully, but young love makes you say yes to the craziest things.

I’ve endured tons of treks over my lifetime. I’ve scaled summits of the Rocky Mountains (well, the summit of the visitors’ information stations, at least). I’ve toured all over Europe for two months, with nothing more than a backpack and my sister (to carry my backpack). I’ve run several 10K races and even completed a marathon – that’s 26 miles – and at the end, all I got was a t-shirt. So, don’t tell me I’ve not put in my share of hard miles on foot.

But hiking is not that much fun for me anymore, in part because I have osteoarthritis in both knees – which, personally, I blame on my wife, for making me join her on so many walkabouts over the past 35 years.

I don’t get the appeal of the activity. Hear me out. You want me to walk for hours, usually in the middle of a forest, so the view is totally obscured by trees and boulders and nature. Then, to make matters worse, after reaching my destination five miles later, there’s never a Starbucks. I’m stuck in no man’s land with no cell phone reception, so I have no idea what the game score is. I’m utterly exhausted and my knees are throbbing. But wait! We’re not done with the fun yet. My ordeal is only half over, because to get back to civilization, I have to cover the exact same route in reverse. I guess if you’re a masochist, I totally get the appeal.

Even my wife sometimes concludes that jaunts into the woods can be become a little repetitive. That’s why she likes to add a little challenge by choosing trails with altitude gains of say, 2,500 feet. “Trust me,” she promises. “When you get to the summit, it’s breathtaking.” Well, she’s right about that part. By the time we reach the peak, I’m totally out of breath. And she’s usually right about the view, too. Truly stunning – if you don’t mind staring into a cloud bank with an unobstructed view of fog in every direction.

You Can Take a HikeI actually would not mind scaling mountains and foraging through forests if they could just figure a way to do it without all that walking. If you want to explore the Grand Canyon in a golf cart, then I’m totally in. Call me.

The other annoying thing about this pastime is that it’s often accompanied by another terrible idea – camping. As if walking for miles at a stretch with no couch to rest on wasn’t bad enough! Add to it sleeping on rocks in a cocoon with bugs assaulting you all night, and not even an outhouse but a bush which I invariably must scramble to in total darkness at 3:00 a.m. What part of this spells fun?

Let me ask you a question: When was the last time you heard about hikers on the news? It’s never good. The report usually goes like this: “Two hikers have been missing since Saturday. They were last seen taking photos of a momma grizzly and her three cubs. Details at eleven.”

I realize that it’s politically incorrect to whine about hiking. After all, I live in the Pacific Northwest, America’s mecca for wilderness treks, with not one but two major mountain ranges: the Olympics and the Cascades. Hiking is practically a religion here. People in Seattle wear their hiking gear all the time, because they never know when a buddy will show up out of nowhere and invite them to hit the Pacific Crest Trail. Even when they’re just going to grab a latte, they’re donning their Patagonia garb: a long-sleeve flannel shirt, parka vest and wool hat (in August). Very chic.

You Can Take a HikeI still own all the required gear: cramped boots, bug spray, pepper spray (for the cougars I’ll invariably meet), my 1974 Mets World Series Champions cap, a rusty Army surplus canteen that can hold up to 64 ounces of diet Pepsi, and a three-year supply of GORP my wife bought at Costco in 2005. I am prepared.

So, don’t summon me to your next six-hour pilgrimage into Lost Hombre National Park unless you plan to buy me a steak dinner afterwards.

Hardcore backpacking enthusiasts love to point out that it’s not about the destination; It’s about the journey. Let me politely say, those people are idiots. If I’m going to haul a 20-pound pack over six miles of crags and stumps up 3,000-feet, there had better be a rainbow-colored waterfall or an erupting volcano at the end of the trail – or a 7-Eleven. I’d settle for that.

As much as it is no longer my thing, I’m sure I’ll accompany my wife on many more explores in the years to come. Because I love my wife, and I know this gives her great happiness. And because when we get back to civilization, I’ll get to watch the Mariners in my massaging recliner, chugging a Mountain Dew on the rocks. My kind of rocks.




Top Ten Completely Wacko Mental Health Myths (If You Believe this Shit, You Must Be Crazy!) #2

How was yesterday’s piece?
Here are some more absolutely batshit crazy things I’ve noticed.

There is an ‘autistic community’ who all think the same things.

There are autistic individuals, and some support mainstream SJW ideology; others don’t. The Autistic Dark Web is an emerging movement that questions politically correct orthodoxies like neurodiversity, or the social model of disability.

People with Asperger’s like being called ‘aspies.’

Some people with Asperger’s support twee culture, others don’t.

You should use a trigger warning when discussing sensitive topics, to avoid hurting people with PTSD.

There is no conclusive evidence that trigger warnings help people with PTSD.
Actual trauma (not the campus moral panic stuff) is complex.
Sources: Skeptic Ink, Slate.

Such-and-such a politician is a narcissist.

It is one thing to say people in the public eye show evidence of narcissistic traits, but it is quite another to actually make a serious diagnosis. Only a properly trained professional is able to decide.
(Oh, c’mon! Do you really need a source for this?!)

This is or that famous historical personage had autism.


Some famous people like Einstein or Jefferson may have had autism, but it is impossible to prove, at this distance in time. There are other possible explanations for unusual behaviour.

(To be honest, if you need a source for this one, you’re probably beyond help!)


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Top Ten Completely Wacko Mental Health Myths (If You Believe This Shit, You Must Be Crazy!) #1

Psychotics are dangerous and evil.

People often seem to confuse psychosis with psychopathy.
“Most people with psychosis are more likely to harm themselves than others.”
Source: NHS

Autistic people lack empathy.

Scholars such as Simon Baron-Cohen distinguish between affective empathy (compassion, ‘suffering-with’) vs cognitive empathy (understanding others). Some autistic people have very strong affective empathy, but poor cognitive empathy.

If you like keeping your room clean and tidy, you have OCD.

The word OCD, like paranoia or autism, is thrown around with casual abandon.
This is frustrating to some individuals with genuine OCD.
Here’s what actual OCD is.

“Schizophrenics? Oh, those are the dudes who keep hearing voices in their heads?”

Schizophrenia is a multi-faceted condition, and it is no more true to say all people with schizophrenia hear voices, than that all Europeans are Italian.
See more on the NHS website.

People with Tourette’s can’t stop cursing.

Verbal Tourette’s is far less common than people think.
Non-verbal Tourette’s is very real, and can also be distressing or frustrating to the person with Tourette’s, as well as to other people.


More to follow tomorrow.
In the meantime, if you enjoyed this, please consider dropping the author some royalties on Patreon!
Or buy me a coffee, or even a Ko-fi!
Please also like the Glossy News fan page on Facebook, to keep in touch with our satire, and all our other interesting stuff!


Soap Box Derby – The Thrill of It All

Soap Box Derby – The Thrill of It AllFor years, sports fanatics have debated which is the most exciting spectator sport. Some argue nothing beats football for sheer intensity and physicality. Others point to the gladiator-like combat of hockey. And some people prefer badminton, but then, some people are idiots. For me, it’s female mud wrestling. I really don’t think I should have to explain this.

But recently I came upon one more contender for your consideration: Soap Box Derby racing. Before you scoff, hear me out. A few weeks ago, I attended the 11thAnnual Stanwood-Camano Island Soap Box Derby – the only such event in the entire state of Washington. When I heard the race was coming to town, I immediately submitted my application as a last-minute entry. Alas, I just missed the competition age limit (by 550 months – oh, so close).

First a bit of background. The Soap Box Derby is a racing program for kids ages 7 through 17, which has been run throughout the United States since 1934. The National Championship Finals are held each July at Derby Downs in Akron, Ohio. Racers compete in ultra-lightweight unpowered vehicles which they have built themselves, traversing a gentle incline over the space of roughly 1,000 feet, relying on their driving skills and gravity to reach the finish line first.

Having neglected to educate myself on the rich history and subtle nuances of this sport, I had no idea what to expect. I apparently arrived too late to catch the live pre-event concert by the Beach Boys. But what I did see was a colorful parade of home-built cars – 72 in all – each one sponsored by a different local business, like Camano Hardware, the Kiwanis Club, and Rothschild Estates’ White Swan Polo Club.

The competitors took great pride in their vehicles, having sawed, sanded, glued and painted them with only a little help from mom or dad. The Rothschild Estates entry, however, drew a few murmurs as the it appears the family’s footman clearly played a hand in its construction.

When the gun goes off, two underage drivers barrel down a straight asphalt track divided by a double yellow line. Miraculously, there were no serious injuries and not a single altercation among any of the kids. The only ruckus took place at the concession among a group of testosterone-driven dads over who had done a better job painting flames on the side of his kid’s car.

In other good news, not a single racer was eliminated for any performance-enhancing substances (the dads weren’t tested). However, there was one anxious moment when an 11-year-old boy was almost disqualified minutes before the start of his heat, due to sudden manic and erratic behavior. Turns out he was suffering from a nasty brain freeze from the strawberry Slurpee he’d just chugged a little too fast. After a few anxious moments he was fine.

It was fun watching these kids zoom down the track. Okay, perhaps zoom is overstating it slightly. Maybe “glide with an occasional careen” would be a more accurate description – sort of like my mother charging around the nursing home in her wheelchair.

Perhaps it wasn’t the adrenaline-pumping action of the Indianapolis 500 – or even the 5th Annual Las Vegas Female Mud Wrestling Finals. But it was still a kick to see the excitement in these kids’ eyes as they leaned forward, urging their cars to the finish line.

Sadly, one exuberant competitor was just about to win when she applied her brakes a few feet too early, letting the other race car eclipse her at the finish. Happily, she qualified for a consolation round, so her racing day was not over.

When I was the age of these dare-devils, I too tried my hand at building a blazing fast racing machine. I cobbled together a discarded bike frame and a lawn mower engine to create a motorized mini-cycle. Having inadvertently installed the engine on the frame backwards, the only direction the bike would go was in reverse (true). My maiden voyage only lasted about ten seconds, as I quickly wiped out and scraped my knees badly. Alas, my dreams of racing glory died forever that day.

At the soap box derby, by the afternoon’s end, two elated winners took home trophies and the chance to advance to the Nationals in Akron. I walked away thinking Soap Box Derby racing was actually pretty cool… and wouldn’t it be even cooler if they held the entire competition in a giant mud field like the female mud wrestlers? Yeah, now that would be something I’d watch for sure.

That’s the view from the bleachers. Perhaps I’m off base.


Have A Trump-Free Day!

It is time to institute a new holiday into our already heavily laden days-off agenda.(our brethern government employees always want more excuses for days off !)

With the sudden stress that has seized the nerves of our entire nation due to the radical changes in politics these last two years we need a cooling off period, much like what is going on with the Fukishima nuclear reactor that was totaled by a tidal wave on the Japanese coast a while back. We need a time out, a recess, a nappy time just like Miss Julie used to give us in kindergarten when she herself needed a break from us kids rather than herself having a breakdown.

Much of the cause of this stress for many U.S. citizens (and a lot of people in the rest of the world as well!) is our Commandant in Chief ( I won’t mention his name again in this paragraph as the mere saying of it causes many people’s blood pressure to spike. He shall remain a lot like Vordemort in the Harry Potter movie- “He Who Shall Not Be Named. For much the same reasons.) and the various antics he has become famous for. Or infamous depending on which side of the aisle you happen to have chosen to plant your tush onto. Think of how much of a relief it would be for a day not to see his stone faced visage on our screens, hear his over-aged punk rock voice or have to read his semi-demented rants.

We need a Trump-free day!

A day free from Twitter feeds!
A day without Obama derision!
A day without phony patriotic vitriol!
A day without political chain-combustion fusion!
A day free from firing underlings!
A day free form ravaging, raging, rabies infested rants!
A day free from POTUS posturing!
A day free from the Big Tweet himself!

In other words- A Trump-Free Day!!!

We really need a vacation, much like the President-select takes every weekend (The same type that
The Donald accused Obama of taking too many of, although Don is actually taking more of them.) . All the major media magnates are merely magnified megaphones for his maniacal mealy mouthed mutterings and his mentally meandering memos, mottoes and mentionings. It is time we limit the lassitude of his outlandish lacerating lashing outs at liberals, ladies, lackeys and the like and lock down this literal Liberace of the media. He is like the gluttonous ghost of the original Ghostbusters who gorged his greedy gut at every good Government grouping. We need to abate his feeding frenzy.

Let’s shut him down for a day. We can get the Secret Service to ‘accidentally’ lock him in the basement in the morning without his smart phone and then ‘remember’ to let him out early the next day. I am sure the SS would go for that. They surely need a break from The Donald themselves.

Let us work to make April 1st the official Trump-Free Day. Let’s make it a day of no fooling around! Especially by The Great Fool himself!


Moggxodus: An Ode to Britain’s Prophet, & Our Future Exodus from Brussels!

Cometh the hour, cometh the man!
Time to break free from the Brussels Taliban!
Don’t drop the cognac, a hangover’s coming…
Guy and Jean-Claude, now they better start running!

No more bent bananas and made up oppressions
No more censorship and manufactured microaggressions
We will be manufacturing half the world
Now shut up and let us get on with your Exodus, you little turds! Read more Moggxodus: An Ode to Britain’s Prophet, & Our Future Exodus from Brussels!


Welcome to Portland

[The following is a message from the Portland, Oregon Visitors’ Bureau.]

Welcome to Portland, Oregon, America’s Most Liberal City.

If you’re planning to spend a few days in the Rose City, we at the Portland Visitor’s Bureau would like to offer a few friendly suggestions to help make your stay as pleasant as possible. Read more Welcome to Portland


Uncouth act at Remembrance Day inspires award winning poem

London Poet Alan Wright has won ‘Poem of the year 2018’ – an impromptu poem recital inspired by the actions of an uncouth man in the crowd at London’s remembrance day.

Wright 52, told Glossy News “I was asked to recite a poem at remembrance day in London, to honour the sacrifices British soldiers have made in past wars. Her majesty the queen and leaders of the main political parties laid down wreaths at the base of the cenotaph, and a two minutes silence was impeccably observed. Read more Uncouth act at Remembrance Day inspires award winning poem


Victimhood is Mighty! The Autistic Dark Web Confronts the Bitter Orthodoxies of Disability & Mental Health

One of the most unintentionally hilarious things about the current postmodernist consensus is the bizarre notion that there is something incredibly edgy, provocative and radical about the moronic SJW boilerplate du jour.

TERF-punching misogynists consider themselves to be an oppressed minority, heroically fighting back against their omnipotent and omniscient cisscum oppressors. Read more Victimhood is Mighty! The Autistic Dark Web Confronts the Bitter Orthodoxies of Disability & Mental Health


GlossyNews has published our first book: Never Have I Ever; the game in book form

You know those $30 board games you play that are really wicked and really fun? Yeah, we made our own version, and it’s in book form, and it’s available for $5.99 on the first edition. The second edition promises to cost more, but this one is really fun, superbly clever, and wicked as all get out.

It’s the culmination of over a year’s work and we’re really proud of it.

The book is available here on Amazon.

There are rules of course, and play pieces you can cut out from the back page. But all that’s secondary to the replayability of it all.

With an average of 30-questions to finish the game and over 800 questions in the book, the replay value promises to be around 28-plays.

Compare that with Cards Against Humanity which costs $26 and has a replay value of about two times. This game is around 21-cents a play versus $13. I mean, you’re coming out ahead right out of the gate, but don’t take it from me. Read more GlossyNews has published our first book: Never Have I Ever; the game in book form


OMG! World’s Logic Scholars Left Reeling in Mass Suicide: Donald Trump Makes ‘Impossible Discovery!’

Since the days of Aristotle, logic has been considered a cornerstone of civilisation.

Logicians have been highly respected (and despised) scholars, and while nobody particularly likes them, their intellectual credentials have generally been considered second to none. Despite the cavils of Tertullian, Martin Luther, Al-Ghazali and many others, critical thinking and philosophy has remained an important staple of the academic world.

Read more OMG! World’s Logic Scholars Left Reeling in Mass Suicide: Donald Trump Makes ‘Impossible Discovery!’


Saudi Woman Causes Nation’s First Ever Pile-Up

King Salman: “I told you this would happen”

A Saudi Arabian woman has created history in Riyadh today by causing her kingdom’s first ever peak-hour multi-vehicle accident. Mother of 3 Hamida Ghabbour blamed the accident on 1400 years without practice, and said she can’t wait until alcohol restrictions are lifted, so she can blame the booze instead. Read more Saudi Woman Causes Nation’s First Ever Pile-Up


Bitterness Isn’t Working: The Decline of Radical Autism & the Rise of the Autistic Dark Web


In the 1960s, two major civilisational value shifts occurred in Western countries. Postmodernist intellectuals shifted our traditional political and moral values away from objectivism, towards subjectivism. This means that the truth is all about what you feel, rather than having any real compelling objective weight and force. You’ve probably seen a lot of sanctified idiots whingeing about how they have a ‘right to an opinion,’ or even saying ‘this is just an opinion.’ We all know, of course, that opinions are not worth very much; because an opinion, when all is said and done, is merely that. An opinion. Nothing more. Read more Bitterness Isn’t Working: The Decline of Radical Autism & the Rise of the Autistic Dark Web


Brian’s Funny Youtube Playlists: Part 11! 40 Days & Forty Nights of Fun…

Here’s one final playlist article, directing you to videos from Brian’s Youtube channel!
You could spend all day here!
Don’t forget about the Facebook page for Glossy News as well. Read more Brian’s Funny Youtube Playlists: Part 11! 40 Days & Forty Nights of Fun…


Brian’s Funny Youtube Playlists: Part 8! Politics

Like a lot of people, Brian was caught by surprise by the surprise (or shock) win for Donald Trump.
In fairness, expert pollsters and commentators were no better off.
In today’s playlist, Brian also has a savage take-down of political love doctor Ben Carson, as well as more freaky fun with mildly confused / confusing GOP establishment ‘celebrity’ Mitch McConnell. Read more Brian’s Funny Youtube Playlists: Part 8! Politics