Koch Bros. Top $100 Billion, Dead Pharaohs Impressed

Koch Bros. Top $100 Billion, Dead Pharaohs Impressed

19 April 2014 05:10 - by Brian K. White

Charles and David Koch, best known for the purest grades of frack-water you drink and the mercury you breathe, have reportedly topped the $100 billion mark in net worth. Let’s break down how much money that really is. Clearly it’s a lot, but more than that, it’s a nearly unfathomable amount. So absurd is this […]

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Posted in Biz News, Politics0 Comments

Donovan McNabb Cardboard Cutout Eludes Police!

Donovan McNabb Cardboard Cutout Eludes Police!

19 April 2014 02:39 - by FreeMann

Mesa, Arizona – Only days after the real Donovan McNabb was detained by local police enforcement, a six-foot cardboard cutout of the former NFL star continues to evade even the most physically fit officers. “I’ve never seen him move so well,” said Officer Eugene Hall after chasing the cutout for several feet before hunching over […]

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Posted in Sports, Sports Scandals0 Comments

Aretha Franklin Chills Satireverse

Aretha Franklin Chills Satireverse

18 April 2014 09:07 - by deeptrout

Damn. Those are some big mammies. We’re talking motor yacht and a snorkel. [SOURCE 1] and [SOURCE 2]. Some people just can’t take a joke… I don’t get this one. If anyone should feel slighted it’s LaBelle, who the article states was arrested. Franklin is going to have a tough time proving damages.

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Posted in Entertainment, Music, Top Stories0 Comments

Teens in School Tour Bus Crash Catch Fire; Parents Glad it Wasn’t Aids

Teens in School Tour Bus Crash Catch Fire; Parents Glad it Wasn’t Aids

16 April 2014 05:30 - by JihadTimes

Parents of teenagers that were severely Jewed alive in the school tour bus crash in Los Angeles are now relieved from the good news that was delivered to them this week. The smarty-pant scientists confirmed this morning that the school bus indeed caught fire and it indeed “Jewed them up real good, crispy bacon to […]

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Posted in Health, Society3 Comments

Millions Worldwide Mourn The End Of The Golden Age Of The Internet

Millions Worldwide Mourn The End Of The Golden Age Of The Internet

16 April 2014 01:38 - by rfreed

It was a demise that many have seen coming for a long time. It is a tragedy whose full impact will not be noticed for a while to come. All things of great worth that are brought into this world go through a cycle- a difficult and long birth, a formative period where it is […]

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Posted in Internets Tubes1 Comment

Yeezus Punishes Kanye West for Taking His Own Name in Vain

Yeezus Punishes Kanye West for Taking His Own Name in Vain

15 April 2014 05:48 - by JihadTimes

Yeezus, master of all universes, creator of light and darkness which thrives upon us has blamed and punished the innocent Kanye West for criticizing him in a public ceremony after calling him a “no good, dirty piece of shit” and “a disgrace to hip-hop music, if hip-hop was considered music.” Yeezuits attending the ceremony had […]

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment0 Comments

Pothole Filled! DeSean Jackson Gypped?

Pothole Filled! DeSean Jackson Gypped?

15 April 2014 02:38 - by FreeMann

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – In response to the demand of residents living on Broad Street in Center City, Mayor Michael Nutter has filled a giant pothole, while simultaneously taking a step forward in a city-wide effort to legalize marijuana. “Today, Philadelphia has filled a deep void with a banned substance that will soon be legalized and […]

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Posted in Human Interest, Society1 Comment

Cantankerous Collaborator Steven Colbert to Take Over for Lame Liberal Lefty Letterman

Cantankerous Collaborator Steven Colbert to Take Over for Lame Liberal Lefty Letterman

14 April 2014 06:41 - by rfreed

The ultimate traitor, Steven Colbert, has sold his soul and gone over to the dark side of the Force. In signing a deal with CBS, probably with a pinprick and a signature in blood, he has given up his proud conservative legacy for filthy lucre. Once a true leader and outspoken critic on all things […]

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television0 Comments

Who Leaked Jennette McCurdy Nude Selfies? The Answer May Surprise You

Who Leaked Jennette McCurdy Nude Selfies? The Answer May Surprise You

14 April 2014 04:39 - by Jenny Corvette

Jennette McCurdy, the 21-year-old star of Nickelodeon’s Sam and Cat and iCarly is making headlines not fit for her Nickelodeon audience. Nudey headlines. Several more semi-nude selfies have been leaked to the media, and we do mean leaked. The glossy 8×10′s were literally dripping with salaciousness when they arrived in our P.O. Box. In them, […]

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip4 Comments

Shock Saudi Royal Wedding ‘She’s Definitely In My Top 5′ Says Prince

Shock Saudi Royal Wedding ‘She’s Definitely In My Top 5′ Says Prince

13 April 2014 05:51 - by Arthur Nee

Crown Prince Abdul Rahman Al-Saud of Saudi Arabia whose family have not only ruled the desert kingdom for over 80 years but also give the country the first part of its name, is to marry an American Jewish pork butcher he met online at dating site e-harmony.

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Posted in World News0 Comments

Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

13 April 2014 01:38 - by JihadTimes

A stereotypical middle class Caucasian father, owner of three adorable children is still being a huge douchebag by not arriving to his little girl’s ballet recital which begins at 4 pm. When asked on who was going to arrive to pick her up, the angel of cuteness replied, “I-dunno.” Frank, a Texan citizen who is […]

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone0 Comments

NASCAR to Shorten Races: Surging Gas Prices Spur Changes

NASCAR to Shorten Races: Surging Gas Prices Spur Changes

12 April 2014 04:57 - by Jenny Corvette

NASCAR officials declared today that due to the current increase in gasoline prices, several races later this season will be shortened to save costs. According to the report issued, the money saving initiative will prevent a rise in ticket prices and allow the typical NASCAR fan to continue spending large amounts of cash they don’t […]

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Posted in Society0 Comments

Undercover PennDOT Workers Disguised As Cops To Secretly Finish Turnpike Construction

Undercover PennDOT Workers Disguised As Cops To Secretly Finish Turnpike Construction

11 April 2014 03:30 - by Reidicule

PITTSBURGH — The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation (PennDOT) recently announced plans to disguise an elite group of its workers as police officers and place them in construction zones along the Pennsylvania Turnpike in order to secretly finish some of the roadwork.

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Posted in Society0 Comments

Florida Man Eats Own Face, Goes on Epic Crime Spree

Florida Man Eats Own Face, Goes on Epic Crime Spree

10 April 2014 05:26 - by T.J. Carter

Daytona Beach, FL—On Thursday, Florida Man Randy Travers went on a spectacular 18-hour crime spree that included autocannibalism, first-degree arson, theft, voting fraud, and numerous other destructive acts. He is now in police custody, according to Sgt. Dale Reynolds of the Daytona Beach Police Department. “At approximately 7:30 am Thursday morning, Florida Man took a […]

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Posted in Crime0 Comments

Arizona Scientists Prove Alien Existence; Body is Launched Back to Planet Mexico

Arizona Scientists Prove Alien Existence; Body is Launched Back to Planet Mexico

10 April 2014 02:26 - by JihadTimes

Scientists from the University of Arizona have concluded this Friday that the possible existence of extraterrestrial life could become a reality after certain test results are finalized. The University was baffled when a 2,500 year old alien life form, Ernesto Torres, was found dead wrapped inside a white blanket lying next to an abandoned bicycle. […]

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Posted in Science, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Kim Jong-un Diagnosed w/ Breast Cancer; Citizens Forced to Cry or be Shot

Kim Jong-un Diagnosed w/ Breast Cancer; Citizens Forced to Cry or be Shot

09 April 2014 05:54 - by JihadTimes

It was early spring of 2014 when the savior of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, was enjoying his three course meal in complete tranquility, an annual source of food considered by his people. To everyone’s surprise, later that day, it was established that their royalty and highness had been diagnosed with severe breast cancer. Military leaders […]

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

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