In the news...
WNHL Combines Canada's Two Greatest Exports
Perhaps you've heard of Canada, it's the nation inconveniently separating the contiguous United States from the industrious state of Alaska. Despite their reputation as a nation "not having a reputation," marketing executives have come up with a product that will finally put Canada on the map, which currently, at least on maps printed in the United States, it is not.
Apr 24, 2008, 17:59
American Soldier Doll Beheaded in Iraq
Newsrooms all across America began today buzzing with activity after the reception of a short video clip by an anonymous Middle Eastern source. A mere three seconds in length, the clip shows what appears to be a pair of scissors moving towards the head of an American Soldier Doll recently reported missing from his unit “The Cobra Commandos” just days ago in Iraq. American forces in Iraq are currently on high alert in frantic search of more video footage, an over-turned Armored Command Unit complete with auto-loading Sidewinder Missiles, or other accessories associated with the doll.
Mar 12, 2008, 13:46
Hack Songsmith Rips 60's Classic; Cashes In
The New Battle of New Orleans (Lyrics):
In 2005 we took a little trip, between the Gulf of Mexico and mighty Mississip. We didn’t have no bacon and we didn’t have no beans, so we slowly dehydrated in the town of New Orleans.
Mar 11, 2008, 01:58
Investigating the Sophia Loren Porn Claims
When investigative journalist and porn aficionado Red Stiler first heard the rumors that Sophia Loren (aka Sofia Lazzaro & Sofia Scicolone) porn tapes ala Tracy Lords surfaced he moved his mattress into his home office, locked himself in and his family out, determined not to leave until he uncovered and discovered the truth for himself and the entire world to see, appreciate and masturbate to.
Mar 10, 2008, 00:51
Solving Global Warming Requires Effort of Mythological Proportion - Literally
"What we are seeking to do is to pull out some stuff from mythology that we know has had an impact on the weather," said Smythe-B. "One of those we are particularly keen on is Pecos Bill."
Mar 3, 2008, 04:37
Glossy News Endorses Barack Obama for 2008 Presidential Candidacy
Glossy News has long been a political commentary outlet, and has never endorsed a candidate. For this tumultuous season, however, we wish to put forth a tad smidge of interesting assertion, and that is that we will now, for the first time ever, endorse a single candidate officially. That candidate for the presidency of the United States of America is Barack Obama, whose middle name is "Osama", which we only point out as a commentary on the inanity of tabloid webzines like E Online and the lackluster like.
Feb 9, 2008, 02:19
Jewish Settlement Found in Texas Hill Country
Deertown, TX—Texas Governor Mack Mackabie ordered National Guard troops to Deertown, Texas earlier today after it was reported a Jewish family had moved into the High Hills Estates subdivision. John (Hoss) Williams, Jr. contacted the Deertown police after noticing a pack of miniature French poodles roaming his property.
Jan 6, 2008, 19:00
Walken Impersonators Find an Outlet in Online Competition
Critics have a hard enough time agreeing that the sky is blue, but a small website has found two more things everyone can agree on. First is that we need more cowbell, and second is that we do not need any more impressions of Christopher Walken. Some of the impressions are downright passable, while others sound like Elmer Fudd passing a stone the size of a fist.
Dec 31, 2007, 05:10
Bush Commands AF-1 Due South to Greenland, Stays the Course
Mere minutes into Air Force One's flight from Andrews Air Force Base to Greenland, it was reported that President Bush entered the flight deck with commands to "Continue your southerly heading." The President, known for his resolve, was undeterred by new information suggesting Greenland may instead lie to the northeast of Virginia, insisting, "If we change course now, the terrorists win."
Dec 30, 2007, 19:39
World Scheduled for Possible Termination Next Tuesday
If the Apocalypse does indeed occur next week, theorizes Mr. Davis, it will either be in the form of a giant meteor – such as the one responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs – or will manifest itself as the mass spontaneous combustion of all life on Earth.
Dec 30, 2007, 10:08
Special Report: Used Car Buying Guide
If you're in the market for a used car, don't buy one without first reading through the Glossy News Used Car Buying Guide. We'll help guide you through the buying process so you don't end up ripped off, driving a clunker that will leave you stranded on the road.
Dec 28, 2007, 15:07
Unemployment Union Local 641 Goes on Strike
One of the most controversial labor unions in the nation, the Union of Unemployed Workers, went on strike Wednesday due to pay and benefit disputes. The union (over ten thousand odd workers strong) began their strike by taking jobs in several cities throughout the nation.
Dec 27, 2007, 06:00
Christmas Stalking
The annual festive season is a difficult one for many people. Those who are single, or away from family and friends, or those who are serving their country in a far off place and sleeping with prostitutes to try and make themselves feel better. However, none of these compare in their troubles to those experienced by your average stalker.
Dec 24, 2007, 13:07
Iranian leader: Santa Claus a 'Myth'
Tehran, Iran -- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims Santa Claus is "a myth" and suggested that the North Pole be moved to Europe, Canada or the United States, specifically, Alaska. The United States, Israel and the European Commission, along with individual European countries, have condemned the remark.
Dec 22, 2007, 15:34
How Post-It™ Notes Can Make You More Successful
Everyone knows Post-It™ Notes as the workplace infection that shows up on computer monitors and cubicle walls like so many sores reminding us of what things we should have already done, but there are benefits to these sticky notes many overlook. These can remind you what to do, but used properly, they can also make you very successful
Dec 19, 2007, 08:40
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