G7 Leaders remind President Trump how American Economic Imperialism works

Dateline: CHARLEVOIX, QUEBEC—President Trump’s imposing of tariffs against America’s allies, Canada, Mexico, and the EU, has put these allies in the awkward position of having to remind Mr. Trump that the international system of economic regulations was put in place by America to establish that country as the global hegemon.
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CNN Replaces Serious Commentary on Trump’s Presidency, with Constant Laughter

Dateline: ATLANTA—CNN has dramatically altered its strategy in covering the Donald Trump White House, having first milked Mr. Trump’s scandals for ratings in the 2016 campaign and then attempted to provide serious, fact-based analysis of the first two years of his presidency. Read more CNN Replaces Serious Commentary on Trump’s Presidency, with Constant Laughter

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Computer Program Translates Ordinary English into Shakespearean Verse

Dateline: CAMBRIDGE, MA—A team of computer programmers at MIT, led by Wallace Thickglasses, has completed its Shakespearean Translator, which converts plain English into Shakespearean verse. The translator has received rave reviews from Shakespeare scholars.
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President Trump’s Audacity Awarded Democrats Political Immunity for Two Centuries, said Political Pseudoscientist

Dateline: LICK SKILLET, TN—Democrats should be grateful for Donald Trump’s presidency, because his smorgasbord of scandals and villainies could theoretically enable them to get away with murder for centuries to come, according to Professor Marco Snodgrass, political pseudoscientist as the Machiavellian Institute, in Tennessee.
Read more President Trump’s Audacity Awarded Democrats Political Immunity for Two Centuries, said Political Pseudoscientist

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American Parents Love Guns More than Their Children, Study Shows

Dateline: KALAMAZOO—In the wake of the school shooting in Florida, in which a young male killed 17 of his former fellow students, a team of researchers at the Technocracy Institute in Michigan explains the impossibility of sensible gun regulation in the United States… Read more American Parents Love Guns More than Their Children, Study Shows

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Life Coach Recommends Obsessive, Idiosyncratic Behaviour to Earn Immortality by Word Coinage

Dateline: TORONTO—Melvin Meister’s Labour of Fame Organization, founded in 1973, has been vindicated over forty years later, as the Oxford English Dictionary added the word “smeelian” to its account of the English language, in recognition of the life’s work of one Mr. Meister’s acolytes, Anita Smeelie. Read more Life Coach Recommends Obsessive, Idiosyncratic Behaviour to Earn Immortality by Word Coinage

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Donald Trump, the Antichrist, is “Close Enough to Christ,” said Evangelical Leader

Dateline: LICKSKILLET, KY—Evangelical Christians are supporting President Donald Trump, because “he’s probably the Antichrist and that’s close enough,” according to evangelical leader Leon Birdbrain. Read more Donald Trump, the Antichrist, is “Close Enough to Christ,” said Evangelical Leader

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Disney Studios Rooting for the Empire in Future Star Wars Films, says Hollywood insider

Dateline: BURBANK—Disney Studios is rooting for the Empire to defeat the rebels in its upcoming Star Wars films, according to Hollywood insider Wily Hangeron. (Be warned that spoilers for The Last Jedi follow.)
Read more Disney Studios Rooting for the Empire in Future Star Wars Films, says Hollywood insider

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Doctors are Heroic for facing Blood and Guts without Puking, says Surgeon

Dateline: WHYNOT, NC—Surgeons are responding to the criticism that they’re vain and overpaid, by asking the critics to imagine what it’s like being elbow-deep in blood and guts. Read more Doctors are Heroic for facing Blood and Guts without Puking, says Surgeon

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Hollywood’s Schlocky Movies are Payback for China’s Shoddy Merchandise, says Industry Insider

Dateline: HOLLYWOOD—The American movie industry has been releasing the simplest, dumbest possible movies for overseas markets, especially in China, to pay back the Chinese for flooding the American market with shoddy merchandise, according to Hollywood insider, Wily Hangeron.
Read more Hollywood’s Schlocky Movies are Payback for China’s Shoddy Merchandise, says Industry Insider

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Hollywood Reboots itself, Giving Creative Class over Movie Executives and Producers

Dateline: HOLLYWOOD—After having rebooted all of its hit movies from past decades, Hollywood has finally gotten around to rebooting itself.

The schedule for the reboots consists of a long actual list for of movies to be remade for foreign and domestic audiences that have low standards. Somehow the movie industry found itself on that list.
Read more Hollywood Reboots itself, Giving Creative Class over Movie Executives and Producers

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Sexual Battle Lines drawn between Toxically Masculine Trolls & Devious Lesbian Feminists, Argues Social Scientist

Dateline: WHYNOT, NC—Hermann Gunzenhauser, a social scientist at True Dat University, has published a paper extrapolating the long-term effects of the proliferating allegations of sexual harassment and molestation in the entertainment industry and in government, business, and all other social sectors.
Read more Sexual Battle Lines drawn between Toxically Masculine Trolls & Devious Lesbian Feminists, Argues Social Scientist

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Mainstream News Anchor Proves he Understands Trump’s Presidency by Repeatedly Punching Himself in Face

Dateline: ATLANTA—A newly hired news anchor at CNN, Guy Hoogetsit, has criticized his colleagues at the cable news station for failing to understand the point of Donald Trump’s election, and maintains that the only way for members of the corporate media to properly report on President Trump is to simultaneously hit themselves repeatedly in the face. Read more Mainstream News Anchor Proves he Understands Trump’s Presidency by Repeatedly Punching Himself in Face

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Deaf Inventor of Leaf Blower Unveils new Noisy Devices

Dateline: PITTSBURGH—Manny Hornblower, the deaf inventor of the leaf blower, has unveiled a series of new inventions, including the gas-powered page-turner, the motorized tea bag dipper, and the jet-fuelled food-chewing aid.

The gas-powered leaf blower is popular with landscaping companies and when in operation can be heard miles away even when indoors.
Read more Deaf Inventor of Leaf Blower Unveils new Noisy Devices

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