GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama gave his 5th State of the Union address. It was a mixed bag, if you ask anyone who was listening. As usual, Obama failed in his attempt to bring the country to a closer understanding of each other. The GOP response to the SOTU address proved that point.

Putting up a woman to do a man’s job was a ploy the GOP is good at, and they didn’t disappoint this time either. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state delivered the counter-punch to the collective Obama gut after President Obama delivered his warmed-over speech about women’s rights, yadda, yadda, yadda…higher minimum wage…yadda, yadda, yadda…our commitment to our military…yadda, yadda, yadda…Actually, scorekeepers noted no less than 81 yadda’s in all in the speech.

The biggest surprise of the evening came from McMorris Rodgers herself, who claimed that under President Obama’s administration, more women than ever before have become lesbians. She gave the reason as being that women are finally catching on that men make more money than them, and are using the old adage “if you can’t beat them, join them” in an attempt to grab a piece of the earnings pie in this country.

The Washington Gay-Lesbian Brotherhood admitted they supplied the information from their group to bring home the fact that their numbers, when it came to lesbian sign-ups, had more than tripled in the last two years, and they can show a direct correlation between those numbers and the Obama administration policies.

Victoria “Vic” Musselman, co-chairwoman of the WGLB and a successful HVAC technician, said that it is their belief that more and more women will seek to become lesbians due to the fact that there are more opportunities for lesbians in the trades, such as journeymen, electrical workers, and plumbers.

“And, women are naturally more easily trained in those professions,” she said.

Recanting her own tale of first being a housewife for 14 years, then being dumped by her husband “for some arm candy,” as she put it, Vic claims the only way she could finish raising their two high-school aged children and put them through college was to get a man’s job, and that is what she did.

“I went to ITT Technical School and became a licensed HVAC technician making bundles more than I ever could as a secretary or even a VP of a large corporation, and I’ve never looked back,” said a victorious Vic.

“And, like my husband, I met the woman of my dreams.”

While McMorris Rodgers admitted the GOP wants to make it perfectly clear they are not all that in favor of same sex marriage, they find it totally acceptable for women to go to whatever lengths necessary to raise their children, because, as the GOP sees it, the less women on the dole, the better off the country is.

When asked what he thought about this aspect of McMorris Rodgers’ speech in particular, the President was non-committal, but did say this,

“Well, sure, I don’t care. If women want to be lesbians, I can’t really stop them. And I would take that one step further. If men want to be gay, I say let them, but be prepared. If the GOP doesn’t help get a fair pay act out there for everyone, the men may want to reconsider.”

In other news, President Obama said he would not take responsibility for the winter storm that struck the deep south on Tuesday.

“Contrary to what the GOP would have you believe, I cannot be totally blamed for the winter storm that struck the southern half of the country immobilizing places like Birmingham and Atlanta overnight. I was preparing my speech. Otherwise, I would have taken measures to have the weather cooperate more fully, even if it meant using executive order to do so,” said a fully confident Obama.

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6 comments on “GOP Blames Rise in Lesbianism on Obama Administration

  1. As I was reading this article, I thought you were going to point out the conflict between the religious opposition to homosexuality and the economic policies on individual freedom. So when you say the Republicans are OK with gay people as long as they raise children, I wonder whether you might have said also that the conservatives are OK with it as a jobs strategy. Choose to be gay as long as you can make a fortune out of it! I see potential there for an even more devastating satire (homosexuality as a wedge between religious and economic conservatism.)

    • Write it Benjamin. If there’s a bigger story there, have at it. All I was going for is the ridiculousness of what everyone, both sides, seem to want to pin on Obama lately, when all he’s trying to do is skate through some much-needed legislation for the good, at least I think it’s the good, of all. I’m not so sure anymore. Maybe therein squats the toad. So yeah, write a follow up. If anyone can, you be da man.

  2. I might indeed write that one. Of course, there’s no shortage of ways to mock the Republicans. They’re self-satirizing.

    You know, I looked up that phrase once, “There squats the toad of truth,” because I wanted to see if The Big Bang Theory TV show got it from somewhere else. But no, I think they made it up, although there’s a weird toad scene in the movie Pan’s Labyrinth.

    Writing satires and philosophy IS my down time. That’s what I consider fun, besides watching TV and movies.

    • Actually, do you remember a show called Dharma and Greg? Well, Dharma used to say “therein squats the toad,” or at least said it once, and I’ve never forgotten it. I love the phrase. I use it often. I think that supersedes Big Bang Theory’s use…but then Hollywood writers steal other Hollywood writers’ stuff all the time, and therein squats the toad.

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