The News (Really) Bytes – June 2015

The News (Really) Bytes – June 2015

Jeb Bush announces candidacy for President – The head political office of the U.S. is now going back to the Bush Leagues.

Rachel Dolezal, a white person, pretended to be black and became head of the Spokane Washington NAACP and now has stepped down making true the statement “Once you go black you hate to go back”.

Hurricane Bill threatens the Texas coast. Hurricane Rick Perry threatens the entire country.

The Jurassic World movie reboot sets record for opening week for a movie – who ever knew dinosaurs could reincarnate? Continue Reading

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unimaginable Happened – Part 7 – the Iraq Factor

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unimaginable Happened – Part 7 – the Iraq Factor

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unimaginable Happened – Part 7 – The Iraq Factor
(A serial book excerpt)
After President Bush is killed when Flight 93 strikes the White House on 9/11, Vice President Cheney ascends to the throne. Things begin to change quite radically:

READ THEM HERE: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6.
– – – – – – – – – – – – –

Part 7 – The Iraq Factor

McGurty was ushered into the office. Cheney stood up to meet him. Continue Reading

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Mad Max Maxes Out His Street Cred In… WHERE DID YOU SAY???

Mad Max Maxes Out His Street Cred In… WHERE DID YOU SAY???

Just saw the latest Mad Max movie.

WOWZER!!!

SUPER GROOVY!!!

COWABUNGA!!!

Mad Max just made it back to the screen after a hiatus of only 30 YEARS!!!!!

Mel Gibson got the sack. Too old. Too racist. Can’t have no one who is out saving aborigine kids in the outback being a racist now. Especially with Tina Turner somewhere in the wings waiting to do a cameo. Continue Reading

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened -Part 6

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened -Part 6

9/12/2001
THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED
Part 6
(A serial book excerpt)

In previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

READ THEM HERE: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Serious Commentary2 Comments

An Interview With Osama bin Laden (Yes, we know that he is already dead)

An Interview With Osama bin Laden (Yes, we know that he is already dead)

… but we aren’t going to let that stop us…

Glossynews has gained the unique opportunity to interview the infamous terrorist Osama bin Laden, the instigator of the 911 attacks on the U.S..

Reaching him at his present location in Purgatory, we were able to have the following conversation with him –

Glossy – Good day, Mr. bin Laden. How are you? Continue Reading

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Police Excuses As To Why They Threw A Fifteen Year Old Black, Bikini Clad, Barefoot Girl To The Ground And Pinned Her Down In McKinney, Texas.

Police Excuses As To Why They Threw A Fifteen Year Old Black, Bikini Clad, Barefoot Girl To The Ground And Pinned Her Down In McKinney, Texas.

“She might have had an Uzi in her panties.”

“She could be a Kung-Fu expert and have attacked all nine of us and beaten us up.”

“They could have had this whole pool party rigged with explosives Columbine style and she was running to set them off.”

“There is always the possibility that she is an Isis sympathizer and had explosives in her bikini top.” Continue Reading

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Un-aired Original Series Star Trek Discovered! True Origin of Actual Series Revealed!

Un-aired Original Series Star Trek Discovered! True Origin of Actual Series Revealed!

A long lost Kirk/Spock vintage Star Trek episode that never aired has turned up in a forgotten vault at Paramount Studios.

“The Deflowering” was a 1967 show featuring all the beloved and famous characters who made the show such an unforgettable sci-fi icon. Unfortunately its subject matter made it a no-show on that eras airwaves.

It was about sex. Too much sex. Continue Reading

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 5

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 5

9/12/2001, THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED – Part 5 (A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is taken to a secured location for protection.

From there he oversees the demolition of what remains of the Twin Towers.

Part 5

The first estimates were 5,000 dead at the Twin Towers, 400 at the Pentagon and 34 at the White House. The Twin Towers they might never know the exact number given how many visitors and tourists were there at the fateful moments.

Head companies located therein were already sending the FBI their personnel files of who was working that day. Police phone lines were jammed with worried relatives asking about their kin who worked there.

It was already known that a number of emergency personnel, especially firemen, had been crushed when the towers collapsed. The intentional demolishing of the towers would be kept a top secret.

There would be too much misunderstanding of a necessary action. Large segments of the populace would definitely see it the wrong way.

It could probably not be hidden forever, but hopefully would hold for a while until some order was restored.

The combined effort of the CIA and the FBI were already coming up with a profile of suspects on the fated planes. A disturbingly high number of Saudi Arabian nationals were on all the flights.

That alone was enough of an answer for many. It was probably an Islamic terrorist attack. Suspicions were also thrown in the direction of Saddam Hussein’s corner, but it was doubted that he would do such a low budget form of revenge and with so many planes.

It was not his style. Already conspiracy theorists were having a field day with the aggressors being everything from Irish separatists to the Vatican.

More serious and studied minds put their feelers out towards domestic saboteur possibilities, Libya’s President Gaddafi, the Red Army and Palestinian vengeance. Of those four, only the Palestinian idea held any real likelihood.

But the real, the looming, the almost obvious suspicion was the heart of the Mideast discontentment- Al Queda or any one of the dozens of wanna-be terrorist groups who wished to be taken seriously and vented aggravations both real and imagined against the United States and Western society in general.

The entire scope of the U.S. Intelligence community was working on the solution.

The East wing was made the center of operations for the White House. Little could be salvaged from the Oval Office. What instruments were lost there had been quickly replaced.

The Lincoln Bedroom was now the substitute for the Oval Office. The great Emancipators bed had been pushed to a corner and a rather ordinary oak desk was the subsistence for Bush’s antique one.

Of course there had been a big to-do about this in the newspapers with numerous photos of Cheney taken while working. The photos were always accompanied by another photo of the wreckage of the West Wing for psychological impact.

A large conference table had also been maneuvered into the the room. Today it would be well used for this would be the first Cabinet meeting of President Cheney’s leadership.

Cheney kept the meeting of the first Cabinet meeting to the point. Everyone was on edge anyway because of the bombing and the unexpected changes it brought about. One thing he could count on was they were all instep with him.

They were Bush’s choices. A few of them would be slowly moved out. They had worked well with the hick from Texas, but Cheney was going to have to be Wyoming with them, and a couple would not make that cut.

He wanted a sleek machine. One that didn’t give him “No.” for an answer. One that did as he ordered. That was one thing he picked up from the military that he ruled but did not serve. Giving orders and expecting them obeyed.

“The first order of business will be to put a tab on every damn Muslim in this country. I don’t care if he is a babe just getting delivered, they need to be watched.

“We will keep most of it secret, but I am sure the liberals will come up with some lovey-dovey reason for being touchy feely with them. We cannot put up with that BS. We need to immediately round up anyone who is even a little suspicious. This goes for their teenagers too.

“We don’t want them passing through the sieve only to light a fire under our beds the next morning. We don’t want concentration camps like we did for the Japanese in WWII, but we want as close to that as we can come and get away with it.”

“The eggs who show any real suspicion we will hold in one maximum prison. I am thinking of ADX in Colorado. It will be easy to watch them there. If they escape they’ll stick out like sore thumbs.” He gave his own half-joke a half smile. The crowd laughed nervously at it.

“We will keep the whole affair as secret as we can, which of course is impossible. But right now we have the worlds’ sympathy. The only ones that will strongly object are the other Muslim countries and, of course Russia and maybe the Mainland Chinese just to be pain in the asses.

“Any European country with a sizable Muslim population- Germany, England, France, will be nervous too and back us up. And they are the ones who matter. But we will say we are doing it to protect them from retaliatory violence. We could probably even get away with saying we were doing it to shield them from the bad Muslims. “

“This is also a great chance to grab as much power as we can. Everybody is behind us either out of anger at what happened or fear of what could happen. We’ve got to act fast to line up things in our favor as much as possible before the feeling ebbs.

“Even the Democrats for God’s sake are stiff as boards. We yell boo and they’ll jump a foot. We’ve got the citizens by the balls if we grab them right.”

Cheney soaked in their enthusiastic applause when he finished. He was especially pleased that there was not an once of rebuttal against anything he had said.

“McGurty,” Cheney reached out and grabbed his arm before he got too far away, “I need to talk to you for a moment.”

He could see that the new head man was serious. He gave him his full attention.

“This is confidential. Only you and me are talking, OK?”

“Got it.” It made him nervous, but long political experience gave him a poker face to cover all his range of emotions, especially fear.

“I’m going to need to get rid of Hastert.” He stopped to let this sink in. It looked like it came to James as a surprise, but not as a shock. “He’s not going to work for me. I need someone with a little more spunk. I don’t want a VP who is just going to sit on his hands.”

‘Who do you want for this?” asked James.

“I want Tom DeLay. He has the sort of brashness that I will need. I need someone who can be a plow and not a picnicker.”

“That will take some doing. It would be easier if Hastert had done something we could throw mud at. Is there anything?”

“Nothing that would make it stick. I think the conservatives would go with us just to have a strong candidate.”

“We sill have to move quick before Hastert gets too cemented into his job.”

“Let’s get moving on it then. I want DeLay in the White House as quickly as we can.”

“Yes sir. I’ll get on it.”

Cheney went on his busy was, leaving McGurty standing there to figure out exactly how he was going to pull this one off.

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The News (Really) Bytes – May 2015

The News (Really) Bytes – May 2015

Cleveland, Ohio Police Chief says that 71 people arrested while protesting the acquittal of a police officer who shot to death two unarmed black drivers was because “a few of them went over the line.”

Of course, shooting two people 137 times is not considered “over the line” by Cleveland authorities.

That is seven bullets more than the Texas law officials used to kill Bonnie and Clyde who WERE armed, had killed 9 law enforcement agents and had twelve guns on them when they were ambushed. Continue Reading

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How Unemployment Really Works

How Unemployment Really Works

Derek in Accounts Payable was an excitable type, but only to a certain extent.

When he rounded the corner to speak to Jason, his boss, colleague and friend he was more excited than normal.

The fact that he kept his voice low to avoid others hearing was indicative that it was also something serious.

“I’ve got it Jason! It just came out of the blue and punched me in the eye!”

“What is it?” asked Jason noncommittally. He had been presented with many of Derek’s ‘ideas’ before and knew to take them with a grain of salt.

“It’s the answer to the unemployment crisis. It is so simple I can’t believe no one else thought of it before!”

Derek’s mouth corners dropped an imperceptive millimeter downward. “This is going to be a doozy.” he thought.

“Here it is in a nutshell,” Derek stated, “We have too many people on unemployment because of the recession. We don’t have enough funds to keep paying them off forever.

“And we have to make sure that the Unemployment Office itself doesn’t get downsized or closed so that we lose our higher than normal wages and good benefits that are paid for by the earnings of the normal workers.

“So what we do is make it so difficult to get on unemployment and so time consuming to deal with or so poorly paid out that the people applying for it either starve to death from low payments, go insane filling out forms and dealing with technicalities or give up in frustration and becomes homeless or kill themselves.

“It’s great! No matter what we come out on top and intact! What do you think?”

Jason was quiet for a moment, no emotion showing on his face. Suddenly he jumped up inspired.

“That’s a great idea Derek! Let’s put it into operation immediately! In fact, I’m going to email it to all the other State unemployment offices so they can do the same. Our jobs are saved! Hurray!” He then ran off down the hall to use the fax machine.

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part  4

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 4

9/12/2001 THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED (A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments –
After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned,
Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is taken to a secured location for protection.
From there he overseas the demolition of what remains of the Twin Towers. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics2 Comments

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 3

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 3

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened

Prelude- On 9/11/2001 Flight 93 crashes into the White House as was originally planned. Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is taken to a secured location for protection.
– – – – – – – – – –

PART 3

The streets were quieting down. Traffic was a fraction of what it normally was. There was still the noise of everyday city life, but it was lessened, muted.

An apprehension lay in the air. The sky suddenly seemed much bigger now that one knew death could fly down from it. For the first time in two centuries a major attack had been launched on the bedrock of America and it had left major fractures in it. Continue Reading

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Google Becomes Main Source Of Knowledge In Universe; God Steps Down

Google Becomes Main Source Of Knowledge In Universe; God Steps Down

Accumulating a huge mass of knowledge in its 17 years of existence, the Internet giant Google has officially made itself the greatest source of knowledge in the entire universe, surpassing even that of Douglas Adam’s giant planet computer in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

In a surprising move as a result of this development, God has stepped down as the Supreme Force of the Universe. Asked to make a public statement about this unexpected change, God refused at first to answer reporters’ questions. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Religionism7 Comments

9/12/2001 – Part 2 (Conspiracy Theorists Actually Know This!)

9/12/2001 – Part 2 (Conspiracy Theorists Actually Know This!)

9/12/2001 – THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED (A serial book excerpt)

In Part 1 Flight 93 has accomplished its goal of smashing into the White House, apparently killing President George W. Bush. Secret Service men are now searching for Dick Cheney who is the new President by default.

– – – – – – – – – – –

PART 2

Dick Cheney was a very lucky man. The Fates seemed to favor him. He was at the east end of the White House, furthest from the impact point. He had been standing, immersed in the incoming news of planes hitting the World Trade Centers in Manhattan when the impact threw him against a wall of books, then to the ground. Continue Reading

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(The) News (Really) Bytes – April 2015

(The) News (Really) Bytes – April 2015

The Aurora Joker James Holmes trial finally begins three years after his attack at the premier of a new Batman movie that killed twelve people.

Could we just have Batman seal him up in a forgotten part of the Batcave and save us the expense of having to take care of him for the rest of his demented life?

Turkey, still denying the massacre of millions of Armenians 100 years ago, decides on the anniversary to celebrate instead their victory at Gallipoli in World War One instead. Continue Reading

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9/11/2001 – The Day After The Unimaginable Happened

9/11/2001 – The Day After The Unimaginable Happened

(A book serial excerpt)

What would have happened had events occurred differently on 9/11?

The aircraft nosed through the mid morning sky. Outside the fuselage it was a sleek bird jetting its way through the air, its wings leaving contrails over the Midwest landscape far below it. It made for a peaceful picture. Or at least from the outside it did.

The plane wobbled occasionally. Lesser experienced hands were at the helm. Still it sailed on majestically, the way it was designed to. Inside there had been a disturbance that could have altered all that, but it was settled now. It sailed onward towards its destination, a new one.

Shortly it came in sight of the metropolis that it sought and began its long descent. The radar was turned off; eyes alone would be controlling its flight at this point.

The low altitude of the plane gave it a magnificent view of the whole city. One could make out the famous landmarks if one knew what to look for. Obvious was the Potomac.

A careful eye could pick out the Lincoln Memorial, the Smithsonian , the Washington Monument.

Shortly the pilots saw their destination. They began a controlled dive. And a chant in a language that those within earshot would not have understand had they still been alive.

Their goal was right before them. The words from their mouths were prayerful and hushed. A moments breath later the plane tore into the White House which a second before had been such a beautiful, majestic building.

“News Update! September 11, 2001 – A fourth passenger airliner has crashed into the White House probably killing President George W. Bush and an as yet unknown number of staff and visitors there.

Flight 93, originally flying over the Midwest to San Francisco, veered back east, crashing intentionally into the center of the White House. All on board are assumed dead.

Witnesses say they saw the plane veer down, taking a low altitude over central D.C., then crash directly into the Presidential building. A huge explosion rocked the structure moments later and now a thick flume of smoke rises from it.

A few survivors managed to get out of the East and West Wings relatively unharmed, but badly shaken. The President, who was to have gone on a trip to Texas, had to cancel at the last minute and is known to have been in the White House at the time of the horrific crash.

It is believed that a terrorist group is responsible for the attack and that it is most likely the same group is responsible for the crashes at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.”

To the astute security personnel left alive in the vicinity of the White House it was obvious that their head boss was dead. Security turned the situation over to the Secret Service, those who were left and still functional, to find their new leader and get him to safety.

The search began for Dick Cheney.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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