BEAR #1-

Returning from an over night kayaking trip out in the islands near where I was working I had a short margin of time to get through a narrow pass between an island and the mainland before it got too shallow to paddle through even in a kayak.

Glacier Bay was famous for having 20 to 25 foot tidal changes at times. I missed my margin by at least a half hour. I now had a ten hour wait before the passage would be deep enough again to get through.

The entire bay I was in dried up. I was literally on its floor pacing around. I pulled the kayak up into the weeds so it wouldn’t float away in case I was gone as the slowly water came back up. Then I set up my tent on the bay’s now solid bottom and prepared for a long wait. I would probably just get in the tent and snooze the time away.

I wandered up to where a stream cut an island off from the mainland. At high tide it became gorged with sea water; now it was just a trickle, but too gooey to wade across. It had cut a deep gouge out of the sea floor that I stood above.

I contemplated my situation. Had I crossed it when I first got there I could have paddled to the other side, parked the boat and hiked a couple miles back to my room. As I stood gazing sadly down realizing I was stuck in Purgatory for the whole day a black bear came off the dense foliage of the island across from me and descended into the stream.

I about wet myself.

He hadn’t seen me yet so I backed up slowly, turning as I got back far enough from the rim so he couldn’t see me. My tent with the bear spray was hundreds of feet away and the one thing you don’t do is run from a bear. They have an automatic reflex to chase anything that runs.

I started picking up good sized rocks into my pockets as possible hand to nose missiles. I kept doing quick turns to see if he had come over the lip yet. Finally he did. I turned and walked backwards, keeping my eye directly on him.

He ran a good twenty feet before he saw me.

Let me stop the story here for a minute.

I wish I could have taken a picture of the look on HIS face when he saw me.

OK, continuing reading on:

He stopped dead on the spot with a look like “What the hell are you doing here?” on his mug. He abruptly did a 90 degree turn to the left and went on running. I watched as he ran along the tall grass, finally disappearing into the woods. He wasn’t an old bear.

I would have estimated him to be a younger one out looking for his buddies or something. He ran by a couple times and never gave me another look. I managed to get my camera out and get a picture of him the last time he romped by.

BEAR #2-

I was kayaking alone further out in Glacier Bay where I had been dropped off by the tourist boat for an overnight. I had spent the day exploring rock cliffs and had stopped at night on a sand beach to cook my evening meal.

I had planned to head out to an island to sleep that night to avoid bears, but was feeling tired and, not having seen any evidence of bears and that the long dusk had started, I decided to take the chance and sleep here. I moved a long way from where I had cooked my food (bears have incredible noses,) and left my bear-proof container also far away from where I pitched my tent.

I laid down to read, but would glance up out of the mosquito netting on occasion just to make sure a bear wasn’t wandering by. About a half hour into the book I looked up and, lo and behold, here came Mr. Grizzly up the beach.

I grabbed my bear spray, (I had smartened up since the first time and kept it close by now) got out of the tent. I stood up and started waving my arms and yelling “Hey bear! Hey bear!”. He was sniffing over my bear canister trying to figure out why it smelled like food.

I had always wanted to have my long kayak paddle nearby if I ever encountered a bear and now, of course, it was down by the kayak near the water. I started to make a move for it which initiated the chase response in the bear and he made a move towards me.

I stopped, returned to my stance, waving and yelling. The bear looked confused, took a turn in both directions, then finally marched off into the woods from not knowing what sort of strange thing I was. Relieved, I waited a few minutes, then went back into the tent.

This bear did not seem like the bad or starving kind, so, tired as I was, I decided to stay and chance it for the night.

Shortly thereafter came:

BEAR #3-

I kept poking my head up to look down the beach. The first encounter had made me paranoid. I continued to read my book, but more nervously. About a half hour later I looked up and, sure enough, there sauntered another grizzly down the walkway, this time bigger and older.

I again got out of the tent as quickly as possible and began my chant- “Hey bear, hey bear!”. My bear mace was firmly in my left hand and this time I had the kayak paddle in the right to use to keep him at a distance if needed.

This guy wasn’t listening to me. He too caught the scent of the bear canister and sniffed around it. Then he kept walking along the trail that went right by my tent. I continued yelling, but he just ignored it. He didn’t appear to have any interest in me, but going the way he was going he would pass within 10 feet of me.

I stood my ground nervously, spray and paddle at the ready. As he drew alongside me out of the corner of my eye I could see the first bear back in the brush standing on his hind legs trying to see what all the commotion was. When grizzlies stand on their hind legs they are BIGGGGG!

“Oh great!” I thought “Now I’ve got two of them to deal with!” Meanwhile, the older bear caught the scent of the first bear and chased after him. I immediately, but slowly pulled down my tent, and stuffed it in the kayak, calmly returned to the campsite, picked up the other items, non-rushedly walked them down all the while peeking over my shoulder lest the bears should return, stuffed them in the kayak, pushed the kayak calmly out as deep as I could, then paddled like hell out of there.

I rowed surprisingly hard for someone who only an hour ago was beat and ready for bed. I went two miles up the coast to where the boat had dropped me off. I knew there was little vegetation there and it was a narrow beach so I thought there wouldn’t be any reason for bears to be there. Despite that I took a good look around first and kept an eye out as I put up the tent. Before I closed my eyes to sleep, I made real sure that I did not hear or see anything.

The funny part of it is that when I got picked up the next morning the boatman told me that they often saw bears at this drop off point. It was a passage way for them to get from one area to another.

BEARS #4,5 and 6-

I was camping out in a small woods just outside of Mammoth Lakes, California at the foot of the Sierras. Being almost to the desert area the trees were widely spaced, making it hard to hide a tent from common view. I had pitched mine where it was only visible from the road if someone happened to look at it from the right angle.

I was headed back to it for the night when I suddenly had to ‘return unto nature what I had taken from it’ to put it in a politically correct way. I squatted down under a tree within sight of my tent to do my business. Suddenly I saw a face peeking out from behind a tree about a hundred feet from me. I thought “What the hell! Is that some kid spying on me?” Then I realized that the ‘kid ‘ had a fuzzy head and two pointed ears! It was a young bear!

I started my old singing routine- ‘Hey bear! Hey bear!’ hoping it would just go away. Then I saw the second fuzzy head peeking out just above it. There were two young bears.

Wait a minute! I thought. Two baby bears means there is a mama nearby. I stood up fastening myself together and waving with my free hand while yelling ‘Hey bear!’ I nervously looked around for the mama. It is a dangerous enough to be dealing with a mama black bear’s cubs but to do it with your pants at half mast is even worse.

All of a sudden I heard a thump and saw four sets of paws wrapped around the tree above the cubs heads. The mama bear had jumped up the tree to get a look at what was making all the commotion. I had three bears tom-peeping me from behind this one big tree.

I waved both hands and continued calling “Hey bear!” I did not want to deal with an angry mamma and her two inquisitive cubs. Fortunately she decided I was too strange to deal with, jumped off the tree and ran away. The two cubs followed close behind.

I breathed a sigh of relief, then realized they might have gotten into my tent. Running over I was happy to find that they had not touched it. Had I come back any later they might have ransacked the place even though I kept nothing edible there.

The NRA, flush with a victory over the US Government and common sense in general with their defeat of all gun bills, has decided to keep on a roll and create more gun sales by stimulating more mass shootings.

Observing that the sale of guns actually increases after mass killings and after threats of gun control restrictions, the NRA has decided to go for broke. Continue Reading

The advantages to having Amish work on your farm:

• They won’t be drunk on the job.
• They won’t be cussing or spitting.
• They won’t chase after your wife or daughter.
• They won’t come to work high on smack, crack or twack.
• They won’t be sleeping on the job.
• They won’t be slobs and leave trash around.
• If you’re missing a button, they didn’t steal it.

The disadvantages to having Amish work on your farm:

• You can’t be drunk on the job when they’re around.
• You can’t cuss or spit.
• You can’t chase after their wives or daughters.
• You can’t come to work high on, well, anything.
• You can’t sleep on the job.
• You can’t be a slob and leave trash around.
• If you’re missing a button, it’s probably because of your beer belly.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Am I the only one that has a problem with them using heavy machinery? What sorcery is this!!! A Track-Hoe is okay, but buttons be damned?

AUTHOR’S NOTE: The Amish, I believe, are forced by modern circumstances to use some heavy machinery. They have to get the job done in a certain amount of time, so that means using some modern means. The guy running the skid loader is the Amish crew leader. I asked if he’d mind if I filmed them and he said “I suppose, but we won’t pose for you.”

If you look closely you’ll also see that they are wearing Carhardts.

I was to one Amish farm where the guy had a mechanical conveyor belt for getting things into the upper part of a barn. But if you look at their normal clothes you won’t find a button, only pins. They believe buttons are unwholesome.

It fortunately went so miraculously well.

A girl held hostage for ten years breaks free of her bonds and manages to get to the door of her captors house.
She yells through the mail slot that she needs help and identifies herself.

A black neighbor hears her cries and helps her break out of the door. With his aid she escapes with her daughter from the house of the man who abused her. She tells him that there are two other women inside also held prisoner. Continue Reading

I am writing this out of concern for the quality of hippies we have here in America at the moment.

The other day I overheard a small group of alternative types in a natural food store discussing how they were going to fly around the U.S. this summer.

Since when, I do ask, do hippies FLY other than when they have scored some particularly good dope? REAL hippies hitchhike or ride bikes or drive around in old VW vans that have seen more engine changes than Joan Collins has seen face lifts. Continue Reading

In need of a new spokesman so fiery he can burn people with his tongue alone and can intimidate a whole nation, the NRA has chosen North Korean leader Kim Jong Un to replace the nerdy Wayne LaPierre as their propaganda head.

The NRA has long looked for a speaker who can inflame the passion of legal destruction in people’s hearts and woo them in any direction wished and make it seem patriotic, even if that direction is ultimately catastrophic to the nations fabric. Continue Reading

There comes a time in everyone’s life when we must deal with that horrible reality of urban survival- having a roommate. Whether it be for economic, sexual, companionship or practical reasons, one often finds oneself having to share that space under ones roof with another human being, quite often one that you are not totally in tune with.

Dealing with this individual or individuals with which one must share his, her floor, shower, refrigerator, breathing space and lifestyle with can be trying. Mental and emotional survival techniques must be adapted to deal with this sharing of one’s space.

We here at Glossy News would like to offer this Guide to Dealing With Roommates with you readers which will have to get you by until someone realizes the big bucks to be made in this and writes a ‘Dummies Guide to Having Roommates’ book.

Also, check out a great assisted living facility in Tacoma, Washington.

Until then:

Food- to keep a roommate from pilfering your food, start keeping only tofu laced items in the fridge. This will deter all but the most vegan households.

Spike fruit such as bananas and apples with toothpicks inserted all the way in. One or two of these impaled on the tongue will keep your food safe for your own use (provided you remember before you eat them that he toothpicks are in there.)

Using a clear acrylic aerosol, spray the foremost cupcake in the bread box that Aunt Glenda sent you. One bite will prevent the pilfering roommate from trying any more.

To put an end to all night drinking binges carefully pry open the edge of all beer caps or put a pin hole in all beer cans and shake lightly until the fizz is gone in them. Fizz-less beer makes for short parties.

Your electronic shop has a cool device for modifying the common room TV to only receive the antiques channel after 10:00 PM, thus guaranteeing that you will not have to try to sleep through an all night horror movie commotion.

For TV sets one can also get a hidden switch installed into the cable inlet which allows you to change any obnoxious programming to only picking up Finnish news reports.

The same electronic store has a similar device that can pipe Lutheran choir music into any audio device proving to be too loud.

Fake, reusable dog hair sprinkled on your favorite sitting place will help to keep your more lethargic flatmates off your favorite seat or sofa.

To cover up your pothead roommates constant cannabis stink, salt their stash with fragrant herbs such as dried lavender, rose or geranium petals (which he/she will notice) or pizza scented incense (that he/she will not).

Have a hidden switch that instantly changes the hot water from the boiler to a tank of chilled water hidden behind the refrigerator for that roommate who takes overly long showers.

To avoid having to answer the door constantly for your slacker padmate, install his own personal chime and doorbell with a nameplate that says ‘Dude’ on it.

No matter how many roommates you have, set aside one room exclusively for: A- Sports related equipment for male living situations, B- Clothing and accessories for female dominated living situations. Reverse these categories if all roommates are gay.

Have a computer set up with a large digital reading that indicates when such necessities as toilet paper, napkins, beer and munchies are running low and suggest which store in the area is the best to buy them at.

For that old VW Bug your roomie has out rusting in the back yard, come winter let it be covered up by snow and rent it out as an igloo. Someone will come along who thinks it is cool.

An ethical question comes up with regards to the roommate who is constantly high. Should he only be charged half rent if he is only half there most of the time? The answer- charge him extra for parking space for his body.

Satire websites have been publishing a very popular conspiracy article concerning the NRA being behind the Boston Marathon bombing as a way to detour attention away from the gun limitation bills that had been going through Congress at the same time.

As is usually the case with such stories, many people tuning into the site take the article seriously and start believing that there really is something going on. Continue Reading

Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the Boston Marathon bomber killed by Boston police, was freshly arrived in the Heaven promised for Jihadist fighters. A guide was there to help him get established.

“Hello, Mr. Tsarnaev. I am here to help you find your place in this ‘heaven’ you earned.”

Tamerlan was still a little woozy from leaving his body so quickly after being shot and then run over by his own brother in the shoot out with the cops. “Oh….oh…. wait a minute….I am in heaven?” Continue Reading

Americans, sick of the kowtowing and cowardice of their elected officials in the face of NRA intimidation when voting to defeat even the most reasonable of gun control, have elected to force the Senators to use a small ‘s’ in front of their once proud title.

The effect of this new development has been surprisingly humiliating to the Senators…oops, excuse me- ‘senators’.

A visible upset senator James Grabcash, scion of a family well entrenched in the tobacco industry, was almost to the point of tears when interviewed. Continue Reading

The NRA, fresh from its victory of further controlling American laws by defeating all Congressional bills limiting access to guns of mass destruction, is now looking to further extend its power.

Successfully cowing and buying off Senators involved with the bills, the NRA now wants to expand the range of its control in the U.S.

Now that the future manufacture of assault rifles is secure the NRA must search for other venues to expand its grasp and other weapons of unsuspected mass destruction fit the bill. Continue Reading

It was an incredibly audacious act of snobbery that the truly classic Three Stooges movie got totally panned for any Oscar whatsoever at the most recent Academy Awards Ceremony.

To begin with, the Producer should have gotten an award for even thinking of the idea in the first place.

True genius- remaking the Three Stooges, the cultural inspiration and societal high point of many male adolescents growing up in the 30′s to the 60′s. Continue Reading

Researchers at various humor think tanks and humor websites have been exhaustively searching for clues on how to adapt comic articles to our modern times.

With the increased dumbing down of the intellect imposed on the public by our schools, magazines and entertainment industry and the decreased attention span that comes with it, it has become increasingly difficult for the humor providers of this nation to give the masses their daily doses of ha-ha’s in a multi-paragraphed format that isn’t too strenuous for them. Continue Reading

True historical information- A historical research group in Wales has unearthed evidence that one William Shakespeare, father of famous theatrical plays known throughout the world, was also a business cheat.

Click image to see the curious bard full-size.

Records have been found that show the author being dragged before a court for hoarding grain during a time of famine. Even more ironically, it occurred at the same time as the presentation of his work ‘Coriolanus’ which opens with a scene of a mob seeking to harm the lead character for holding back foodstuffs at a time when supplies were low. Continue Reading

A long range missile shot by North Korea over Japan on Sunday turned out to be a giant tube filled with Mentos and Diet Pepsi.

The missile shot sent fear through the Asian nations that perceive North Korea as a wild card capable of anything.

Country leader Kim Il Un claimed that the missile merely sent a communications satellite into orbit, but most believe that it was really a test of their long range missile capabilities. Continue Reading

Wayne LaPierre, outspoken mouthpiece of the NRA has been removed from his position of Vice-President due to a large number of powerful members of the organization being opposed to his having ‘too Frenchy’ a name.

John Howitzer, Montana rancher and Guinness Book Of World Records holder of the record for most hunting guns possessed (legendarily he is said to have enough firepower to eliminate every creature in the state larger than a breadbox five times over) vocalized his opinion over the matter. Continue Reading