Life…

Life…

Life- An annoying thing that happens when you wake up in the morning.

Life- The commitment you don’t remember having agreed to.

Life- 16 hours you have to live through before you can go back to bed again.

Life- A pain in the ass that doesn’t limit itself to just that area.

Life- A journey on a sea of unknown depths.

Life- Two third of a day that it takes one third of a night to recover from.

Life- A scream just waiting to happen.

Life- God’s way of getting even with us.

Life- The thing they don’t teach us about in school. Or warn us about.

Life- A bad dream that doesn’t stop when you wake up.

Life- That solid sock in the gut that lets you know you are alive.

Life- A swim in an ocean of limited visibility.

Life- A running race that apparently has no rules or borders but a very definite finish line.

Life- A screaming headache that begins when you wake up and doesn’t shut up until you finally fall asleep.

Life- A waking nightmare until sleep comes to claim you again.

Life- Like being born again every morning only messier.

Life- Like the movie Groundhog Day only you don’t need 3-D glasses to make it more realistic.

Life- Who says Hell comes AFTER you die?

Life- The one thing even the best drugs or booze can’t blot out.

Life- Like those dreams where you fall off a cliff and don’t hit bottom except you do.

Share

Posted in Society, The Rest0 Comments

Islamic Terrorists Shot In Paris Arrive In Jihadist Heaven

Islamic Terrorists Shot In Paris Arrive In Jihadist Heaven

The three Islamic assassins who killed French citizens at Charlie Hebdo and a Jewish delicatessen arrive at the destination they had given their lives for, the Jihadist heaven promised them.

An angel greets them as they arrive.

“Welcome gentlemen. I hope your journey was peaceful.”

“Hardly!” stated Said Kouachi sarcastically. “We got our shit shot to pieces.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in War Zone0 Comments

Je Suis Charlie – Where Murder And Humor Have Met

Je Suis Charlie – Where Murder And Humor Have Met

As you know, yesterday three gunmen entered the offices of Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical magazine, and killed twelve people.

The magazine was known for its biting satire and has several times depicted Mohamed in a mocking fashion. It is considered a damnable sin in Islam to make any sort of picture of their Prophet.

The office of Charlie had been firebombed in 2011. The editor and staff had been often been sent death threats. On January 7th those threats were made real. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Religionism2 Comments

N.Y. Police Turning Backs On de Blasio Illustrate Exactly Where The City’s Problems Lie

N.Y. Police Turning Backs On de Blasio Illustrate Exactly Where The City’s Problems Lie

The New York Police twice turning their backs on Mayor de Blasio during his speeches at the funerals of two slain officers gives a strong indication of exactly where their whole racial problem started.

The police showing disrespect for the Mayor and a total lack of ability to see his point of view is the heart of the problem that has plagued the NYPD for decades. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crooked Cops, Serious Commentary4 Comments

ISIS Is Looking For A Few Screwed-Up Men………And Women

ISIS Is Looking For A Few Screwed-Up Men………And Women

A Note From The Editor- Due to current difficult economic situations and due to pressure from First Amendment Rights groups Glossy News must unfortunately include ads in our article runs. These ads do not necessarily reflect the opinions and thoughts of Glossy News or its publisher.

It could, however, reflect not only the opinions but also the half-brained philosophy of some of our writers, many of whom I personally know to be Godless Communists and flipped out weirdos. It is with extreme trepidation that the following ad is presented: Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Religionism, Strange People0 Comments

America Responds To Kim Jong Un; “Thank You For Saving Us From Watching This Stupid Stoner Movie”

America Responds To Kim Jong Un; “Thank You For Saving Us From Watching This Stupid Stoner Movie”

Americans were especially thankful to North Korea and Kim Jong Un this Holiday season for saving them from watching yet another stupid pot-head movie.

“It saved me ten bucks in ticket prices and another eight in popcorn and soda,” stated John Gawker from Greeley Colorado. “Watching movies like this is like riding a sled downhill and purposely plowing into trees! It gives you the same sort of headache.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, Talky Pictures3 Comments

Sony Counter-Hacks North Korea: All 23 Computers Go Dark

Sony Counter-Hacks North Korea: All 23 Computers Go Dark

On December 21st the entire Internet in North Korea was shut down by a major cyber attack. (Note- a major cyber attack in the Communist state would be the equivalent of accidentally pulling out your plug on an old Commodore computer in any other country, say Peru). Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, Talky Pictures3 Comments

North Korea Bankrupt After Costs from Sony Hack

North Korea Bankrupt After Costs from Sony Hack

North Korea has gone bankrupt from its massive hacking assault on Sony Pictures.

The intrusion into the depths of Sony’s Corporation was ignited by their new film ‘The Interview’ which features two bumbling tabloid newsmen who are given the mission of assassinating North Korean Leader Kim Jong Un.

This indiscretion infuriated the real Jong Un who immediately funneled the entire countries anemic economy into the hacking barrage that exposed many of Sony’s secret files including high level employee wages (which shocked Jong Un in that one executive’s salary alone equals the entire gross national product of North Korea for a year), insulting emails about famous stars (which also encindered the Prez as some were about his secret fantasy love Jennifer Aniston), and photos of Seth Rogen in his underwear (which the Exalted One kept for his private collection). Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Talky Pictures, War Zone0 Comments

Before Ferguson & Choking Death Of Eric Garner There Was Clifford Glover

Before Ferguson & Choking Death Of Eric Garner There Was Clifford Glover

At dawn on April 28th in 1973 Add Armstead, a black resident of Queens, New York, and his girlfriend’s son Clifford were walking down the street on the way to his weekend work at junkyard.

Suddenly a car pulls up and a white guy opens the door. He has a gun in his hand.

Thinking he was a robber, Armstead and the boy took off running. They heard the gunman yell “You black son of a bitches!”, then gunshots. The boy cried out “I’m shot!” and fell. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime, Crooked Cops1 Comment

Certain ‘Forces’ Send In THE CHENEY To Take Care Of Lame Duck Government.

Certain ‘Forces’ Send In THE CHENEY To Take Care Of Lame Duck Government.

Eager to take over the U.S. government as swiftly as possible after winning major seats in the Senate and Legislature, ‘certain forces’ within our system have called on a specialist to rid the organization of its ‘lame duck’ elements.

Operating in secrecy, these individuals called in their ace in the sleeve for when things need to get messy- THE CHENEY. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, Strange People4 Comments

SCOOP! Glossy News Gets Script from New Disney Star Wars Movie!

SCOOP! Glossy News Gets Script from New Disney Star Wars Movie!

Forget the stingy, 88-minute trailer just put out, we got the real scoop!

Our intrepid, rat-like reporters just got the biggest story of the whole millennium (and that includes the Millennium Falcon!)- we copped the script from the new Star Wars movie still in production!

Here is a summary of the plot: Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Entertainment, Talky Pictures0 Comments

BLACK FRIDAY – The Evil American Plot To Destroy Britain Is A Success!

BLACK FRIDAY – The Evil American Plot To Destroy Britain Is A Success!

Friday, November 28th 2014 will reign as a black day in British history, black not only for the dark deeds done on that day but also for the foul American import that caused them- BLACK FRIDAY!

Long accustomed to importing all new things American, England has finally introduced an epidemic that is proving to be every bit as bad as when the Black Plague was brought in by ships in the 1500’s. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Biz News, World News0 Comments

Rich And Poor State What They Have To Be Thankful For This Thanksgiving- Mostly the Rich

Rich And Poor State What They Have To Be Thankful For This Thanksgiving- Mostly the Rich

“I am thankful that I have a job even though I have to work today ’cause my boss told me too.” said Chad Shafted in a slight break between customers at 11 at night at the Des Plains Walmart in Iowa.

“I am thankful even though I am not being paid a cent extra today.”

On the other hand, the entire Walmart owners, the Walton siblings (and we don’t mean the one from the TV series with Jon Boy), stated “We are thankful we have all these thousands of working bees laboring for us on Thanksgiving so that we can afford our luxus ski vacations in Switzerland today. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

For Once I Agree With The Republicans- IMMIGRATION!

For Once I Agree With The Republicans- IMMIGRATION!

I am glad Obama is finally standing up to the Republicans who have been kneecapping him since day one of his Presidency. It is just too bad that it isn’t over a better subject- immigration.

The truth is- the boat is full. We have enough people in this country already. We have massive unemployment with the people we have already. We don’t need anymore. We need to take care of the people we have here already- OUR people. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, Serious Commentary0 Comments

SCOOP! Glossy News Is The First With A Photo Of The New Star Trek Series And Its Stars!

SCOOP! Glossy News Is The First With A Photo Of The New Star Trek Series And Its Stars!

A leak in the security of the new Star Trek series has provided Glossy with a peek at the highly anticipated show.

As you can see the players will be wearing an all new design of Star Fleet uniforms and, as usual, represent many different races and nationalities.

Again there will be a black Vulcan just like Tuvok in the Voyager series, only this time he will be in the Commander position. Unlike his predecessor this new Vulcan will occasionally exhibit moments of humor, a very un-Vulcan like quality.

His name is Barack Hussein Obama, an unlikely a name as any writer could ever conjure up, but we’ll go with it for the time being. There is a Chinese second in command, Xi Jinping (they must have been really imaginative to come up with this moniker), who will be a constant source of disagreement and contention in the series.

Unknown to the other crew members, a Romulan agent has infiltrated the group with the intent on sabotaging all relationships and vessel machinery that he can. Named Vladimir Putin (the writers got a little lax on this name. It is inappropriate as it sounds too much like the Romanian Prince Vlad who was the basis for Dracula….on second thought the name fits. Forget it.), he is the wild card in the deck of the ship’s crew.

Other nationalities and races will play key characters who will mostly get in the way of the other three stars or die horribly while wearing red uniforms (in the original Star Trek series any actor wearing a red shirt always got creamed half way through the episode).

Whereas most Star Trek episodes involved conflicts with aliens outside the ship, this series will have most of its battles waged inside the vessel between its own crew members. Mr. Putin and Jinping will prove to be behind most of the intrigue. Mr. Putin and Mr. Jinping, being from more backwards lands, are jealous of the Captain’s superior technology and feels that they must interrupt their progress in any way possible to overcome it.

On their first mission in an entirely new ship aptly called the “New World Order”. the crew encounters foreign aliens trying to escape their home planet to work on the earth. Captain Obama wants to welcome them in, not realizing that helmsman Putin has already sent out small fighters to buzz and harass them. Mr. Jinping just stands back and waits for both to make mistakes so he can take over.

Future episodes will be guaranteed to have lots of weird looking aliens and not-so-weird looking gorgeous shapely women wearing way-too-short mini-skirt uniforms.

Share

Posted in Entertainment, Politics2 Comments

How Is An American Treated When He Tries To Get a Job in Mexico?

How Is An American Treated When He Tries To Get a Job in Mexico?

Much ado is made of the treatment of Latin Americans coming across our borders looking for illegal work.

But what happens when an American goes to Mexico to get a job. Roses are not exactly strewn across his path either.

When I was much younger I had had a bad experience volunteering for the forest service (don’t ever do it!) in Wyoming and, angered and upset that I had wasted a whole summer of no pay for thankless U.S. Government Rangers, I headed down to Mexico to escape for a while from the so-called ‘American Dream’. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Human Interest, Politics0 Comments

Page 1 of 2812345...1020...Last »
Glossy News Fake Commercials!





Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Visit the “Old Version” of our Site

     
Still want more? Find thousands of buried satirical gems in our archives on the old version of Glossy News!

Check This Out!

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

5 posts
4 posts
4 posts
3 posts
2 posts
2 posts


All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial