North Korean Jokes (As Though The Country Isn’t Enough Of a Joke On Its Own).

North Korean Jokes (As Though The Country Isn’t Enough Of a Joke On Its Own).

North Korean Jokes (As Though The Country Isn’t Enough Of a Joke On Its Own).

Why did the North Koreans run over the border to eat South Korean’s lawns?
They heard the grass was greener on the other side.

How many North Koreans does it take to change a light bulb?
Three – One to hold another on his shoulders to change it and one to explain what a light bulb is in the first place.

Why should we not be afraid of a North Korean H bomb?
Because they would have to use a fishing boat to deliver it and they never make it beyond fifty miles off shore. Continue Reading

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9/12/2001 – The Days After Cheney Became President – Part 22

9/12/2001 – The Days After Cheney Became President – Part 22

9/12/2001
THE DAYS AFTER CHENEY BECAME PRESIDENT
Changing Alliances
Part 22

(A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

– – – – – – – – –

Sinchesi Yang waited in his pill box alone. The morning sun had just crested the mountains behind him sending a bright blaze of color and light across the sea stretching before him. Somewhere just beyond that blaze was the mainland of China. He watched the horizon carefully, knowing that somewhere over there were men who would kill him and any other soldier they came across on sight. He knew they would be ruthless. And they would come quickly. It was only a question of when. Taiwanese intelligence had briefed them on being extra vigilant these next few days. That and other preparations had tipped him off. He knew they were coming. All the higher officials were ill at ease and smoking more than they usually did. It was a sixth sense that he at times had since childhood. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Politics0 Comments

Weirder Than A Stephen King Novel – A Rock Band With King and Dave Barry In It. Let Me Introduce You To The Rock Bottom Remainders!!!

Weirder Than A Stephen King Novel – A Rock Band With King and Dave Barry In It. Let Me Introduce You To The Rock Bottom Remainders!!!

Unannounced to most of us, one of the most incredible rock and roll groups has passed before us and we didn’t even notice it. Maybe most of us were too stoned to catch it.

This group was named The Rock Bottom Remainders and should have made the cover of the Rolling Stone except for one problem- it was made up of mostly literary figures. The thought of listening to people involved heavily with books and articles is enough to send most hard core rockers into a catatonic state. Stephen King, of course, is famous for his many best selling horror stories such as Carrie, The Dead Zone, Cujo and so many others that he himself cannot remember all of them. Dave Barry is the famed humor writer who won the Pulitzer Prize for his hilarious newspaper columns and has written several best selling books himself. (One wonders what the Pulitzer Prize statuette for humor looks like- clowns jumping out of a golden Volkwagen Beetle?) Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music0 Comments

9/12/2001 – The Days After Cheney Became President – Part 21

9/12/2001 – The Days After Cheney Became President – Part 21

9/12/2001
THE DAYS AFTER CHENEY BECAME PRESIDENT
The Rumsfeld Synopsis
Part
(A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

– – – – – – – – –

Rumsfeld took the news surprisingly well. His dismissal had been engineered so carefully that it came as no insult, although it was a bit embarrassing to the old man. But he knew that it was getting to be time to go out to pasture. He had worked hard enough in his life that he could now enjoy the fruits of his labor. He knew that with all the sudden changes in the world that a younger man was perhaps needed to take care of things. He guessed that Bolton had been chosen to push through any agenda Cheney wanted, something that Rumsfeld himself was getting too old to do. Continue Reading

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Conspiracy Theories #4 – Enough To Write A Book About

Conspiracy Theories #4 – Enough To Write A Book About

Conspiracy Theories #4 – Enough To Write A Book About

Conspiracy Theories is the hard hitting website that isn’t afraid to investigate and expose the dark forces that seek to prey in so many devious ways upon the general publicum. We are here because you need us! We are ever vigilant against those evil people, organizations, nations and cultures that are out to handicap and repress our great American lifestyle.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
The following are the dark, sinister plots we have uncovered this week:

Conspiracy Theory #9204 – You expect threats from enemies overseas. You expect them from drug gangs, from international racketeering outfits, from hate groups and religious fanatics. But you don’t expect them from your nearest neighbor, someone you trusted for years and built a relationship with. But you should.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that nearest and dearest neighbor of ours has turned out to be a Brutus, stabbing us in the back even as it smiles in our face. Dear readers, it is with the most extreme of difficulty and regret that we here at Conspiracy Theories must inform you that Canada, our brother to the north, has been running a threat to our well being that has gone on for some time now.
And what, pray tell, could those soft spoken, seemingly well balanced and happy Kanucks possibly have done to us, you ask?
Movable borders.

 

Yes, movable borders.

Something the Mexicans never thought of.

For decades our so-called neighbors to the north have been going out at night an digging deep at the foundations of the minimal fence we have separating us and, once free of its base, moving it a few feet further south every night.
Ingenious!
So far our bastardly border bandit has managed to gain three miles of true blue American soil that can now be called true red Canadian. Several farm owners have awakened one morning to find themselves the citizens of another country and been forced to give allegiance to them. The Kanucks are even so under handed as to uproot the U.S. sentry posts with the sentries sleeping inside and move them imperceptibly a few meters south (we must use meters here as that is the only measurement that the Kanucks understand).
American officials finally got wise to this outrageous scam when the Bargemont, Idaho post office suddenly found itself in Alberta.
Tense negotiations have gone on in the days since the discovery of this fiasco between Canadian and U.S. border authorities, but have come to nothing. The Canadians just say “the borders have always been there” while glancing wistfully up into the air and start humming the Canadian anthem to themselves. Americans who find themselves trapped on the other side often do not protest their plight as the men are bribed with having any slender, well rounded Canadian damsel they want and the Yank women with having any hunky Canadian male they want with a case of domestic Scotch thrown in.
More on this as it develops.

Conspiracy Theory #6583 – A number of Mexican food manufacturers have conspired to infiltrate the very bodies we live in here in America and make our lives thereby miserable.
The beans used in many popular Mexican dishes has long been know to create gaseous disturbances once on the road to digestion in our innards. ‘Tooting’ is a well known companion at Mexican food festivities. Truly evil Mexican burrito creators are purposely using new hybrid beans with a higher gas content that would wreck havoc with American intestinal systems.
Besides the bowel distress there is also the intense embarrassment suffered by taco quaffers around the country. Many gourmets have been experiencing loud gaseous eruptions in such noise sensitive areas as church, board meetings, school classes, being in a crowded hot tub, and while giving birth. The new beans are so potent that even the popular anti-gas pill Beano does little to deter the tooting that triumphantly announces itself.

Conspiracy Theory #7483 – An economic conglomerate of chain stores across America have formed an evil alliance of greed that seeks to saturate the shopping sprees of sales seekers at stores and supermarkets across the nation. Being evilly aware of the slow economy and its effect upon the already downtrodden working and middle classes of America, the conglomerate still seeks to squeeze every penny possible out of them by requiring every customer to have credit card sized shopping cards in order to get discounts on sale items.
All chain stores now have these annoying little testaments to selfishness and penny pinching. They are proving detrimental to the shopping public as they add extra stress to the shoppee’s involved. There is the last minute checkout line search through dozens of other cards at the cashier while the other customers in line fume at the time wasted resulting in fistfights and vile words yelled in frustration. The bulging wallet that is the result of having to carry so many different cards also makes an easier target for pickpockets.
Accumulated also is the wealth of information the chain store reps garner with everyone who foolishly signs up for a card. They get your telephone number, your address, your email, how many times a week you do up the wife, how close to the age of consent your most eligible daughter is, where you hide your wallet at night, what nights of the week your son is doing up drugs at the local rave party, and, if they are lucky, your Social Security number.
State representatives throughout America have already attempted to bring about legislation aimed at limiting the number of such cards required at stores, but have been thwarted by the growing numbers of store card lobbyists out to protect the industry and the evil alliance they have formed.

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9/12/2001 – The Days After Cheney Became President – Part 20

9/12/2001 – The Days After Cheney Became President – Part 20

9/12/2001
THE DAYS AFTER CHENEY BECAME PRESIDENT
The New White House
Part 20

(A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

– – – – – – – – –

Work was going on well with the new White House complex area. A secondary fence had been built around the entire park across from the White House, pushing the protestors beyond the level to which he could hear their noise. The immense bunker complex was half finished, with the most crucial offices already open and running. It had been a marvel of building as during its construction there was to be no evidence of its creation above the surface. The machinery was brought in piecemeal at night and tunnels built through already existing underground complexes. Now as much work went on in the Cheney government underground as there did above. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Politics2 Comments

Conspiracy Theories #3 – More Nightmares To Ruin Your Sleep

Conspiracy Theories #3 – More Nightmares To Ruin Your Sleep

Conspiracy Theories #3 – More Nightmares To Ruin Your Sleep

Conspiracy Theories is the hard hitting website that isn’t afraid to investigate and expose the dark forces that seek to prey in so many devious ways upon the general publicum. We are here because you need us! We are ever vigilant against those evil people, organizations, nations and cultures that are out to handicap and repress our great American lifestyle.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
The following are the dark, sinister plots we have uncovered this week:

Conspiracy Theory #934- Unscrupulous sleeping pill manufactures have been putting timed release micro-bits of caffeine in their sleeping pills to stimulate their sales. Determined to sell more by waking back up the very people who have been faithfully purchasing their products, these sleazy salesmen of scandalously non-salubrious saturated sleep aids have been wrecking the health of American citizens for months now. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, The Rest0 Comments

And Quoth The Raven “Gimmee S’Mores.”

And Quoth The Raven “Gimmee S’Mores.”

And Quoth The Raven “Gimmee S’Mores.”

(With apologies to Edgar Allen Poe for this blatant ripoff of his famous poem)

Once upon a day bright and cheery, while I hiked a trail loved dearly
Gazing o’er cliff and valley, sagebrush green and rose hued stone- Continue Reading

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9/12/2001 – The  Days After Cheney Became President – Part 19

9/12/2001 – The Days After Cheney Became President – Part 19

9/12/2001
THE DAYS AFTER CHENEY BECAME PRESIDENT
The Green Zone
Part 19

(A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

– – – – – – – – –

The bunker was hardly the Ritz. Lavish though, especially for a bunker. No view. Being underground one doesn’t really need windows. That didn’t matter, Cheney preferred the security it offered over any view it might have of this forbidding land. “Why does God always put oil in the most difficult of places?” he thought to himself. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Serious Commentary0 Comments

New Star Wars Film Spoilers! Yes, I Am Mean Enough To Ruin It For You!  Bwhaaa, haaa, haaa, haaa!

New Star Wars Film Spoilers! Yes, I Am Mean Enough To Ruin It For You! Bwhaaa, haaa, haaa, haaa!

Bwaaa Haaa Haaa Haaa!

The POWER that comes with being one of the first ones to see the new Star Wars movie!
It is like being showered with the Dark Side of the Force!!!!!!

Bwaaa Haaa Haaa Haaa!

Yes, Hans Solo does come back in this new film- using a walker to get around. He finds the two new characters in his precious Millennium Falcon and yells out to them “Hey you kids! Get off my ship!” Then his dentures fall out and you can only hear him yelling in a voice that sounds as unintelligible as Chewbacca’s. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky Pictures0 Comments

Hoo-Wee! You Should See The Conditions Disney Made For Making The New Star Wars Film!

Hoo-Wee! You Should See The Conditions Disney Made For Making The New Star Wars Film!

The independent expose website Wakileaks has gotten hold of the original contractual agreement the Disney Corporation demanded that Director Abrams agree to before filming the new, highly anticipated and already over hyped Star Wars movie. Wakileaks then leaked it out to us, the rabid Star Wars film fanatics who are waiting with baited breath and fanged teeth for its Dec. 18th release.

Highest on the list was there had to be a love story inherent in the plot; a device Disney has used ad nauseam since it began making feature length films in the forties (with the exception of Old Yeller, Tron, a couple of its cartoons and that Living Desert film from the ’60s.) Continue Reading

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Posted in Talky Pictures0 Comments

Possible Excuses For A Policeman To Shoot A Black Kid In The Back 16 Times.

Possible Excuses For A Policeman To Shoot A Black Kid In The Back 16 Times.

“It was dark out and he was black. I was just shooting my gun off into the night for fun and he got in the way.”

“I can’t count beyond 3.”

“I got carpal tunnel from doing so much paperwork and it caused my finger to lock up on the trigger.”

“Oops! Forgot I wasn’t at target practice!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crooked Cops0 Comments

The NRA Changes Its Name To ‘Jihadist Rifle Association’ Because That is Where The Money Is Now.

The NRA Changes Its Name To ‘Jihadist Rifle Association’ Because That is Where The Money Is Now.

The National Rifle Association, smelling a chance to increase its profits and its membership, has decided to follow the money and change their name to ‘Jihadist Rifle Association’ instead.

The NRA, long a secret backer of any American tragedy that results in opulent amounts of carnage and bloodshed which stimulates greater gun sales, has finally realized that the real profits are in supplying guns to the Muslim extremists who seem to be gaining in popularity and influence not only in the Middle East but throughout the world.

Scores of U.S., European, African and Asiatic individuals are running to Syria to join ISIS which has become the Mecca for those seeking a little excitement and purpose in life and to piss off their parents. Now after the Paris and San Bernardino attacks the ISIS brand seems to be the biggest gun market in the world. Continue Reading

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Conspiracy Theories  #2– Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Look At The Internet Again

Conspiracy Theories #2– Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Look At The Internet Again

Conspiracy Theories is the hard hitting website that isn’t afraid to investigate and expose the dark forces that seek to prey in so many devious ways upon the general publicum. We are here because you need us! We are ever vigilant against those evil people, organizations, nations and cultures that are out to handicap and repress our great American lifestyle.

The following are the dark, sinister plots we have uncovered this week:

Conspiracy theory #846- Certain religious interests have sabotaged a vital industry that is as close to us as our skins- the condom manufacturers. Uniting under a belief that any sort of sexual union is for the purpose of producing babies only, these fanatics have infiltrated condom factories throughout the world with the intent of degrading their product. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, World News0 Comments

Even Without All The Facts In Yet, It Is Easy To Figure Out The Shoot-out At Planned Parenthood.

Even Without All The Facts In Yet, It Is Easy To Figure Out The Shoot-out At Planned Parenthood.

It is actually easy to figure out why he did it.

You don’t even have to know the yet-to-be-revealed facts of the case or those tidbits of information still being sought by the police.

Robert Dear gunned down three people at the Planned Parenthood office in Colorado Springs, Colorado. That alone tells you something. Continue Reading

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Posted in Serious Commentary0 Comments

9/12/2001 –  The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Iraq Part 18

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Iraq Part 18

9/12/2001
THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED
Iraq
Part 18

(A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

– – – – – – – – – – –

SECTION 3

It was a glorious morning to be out in the marshes. There was still a leftover crispness in the air that the mounting sun was slowly disintegrating. Canadian geese could be heard honking as they flapped overhead. The only sounds not of Nature itself were the muted sounds of autos making their way up the highway miles away. Continue Reading

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Posted in Serious Commentary, War Zone0 Comments

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