Millions Worldwide Mourn The End Of The Golden Age Of The Internet

Millions Worldwide Mourn The End Of The Golden Age Of The Internet

It was a demise that many have seen coming for a long time.

It is a tragedy whose full impact will not be noticed for a while to come.

All things of great worth that are brought into this world go through a cycle- a difficult and long birth, a formative period where it is ignored, misunderstood and its virtues recognized by few, then an ascendance and acceptance by the more intelligent and fore-sighted in society, then an adaption to the masses that makes it widely accepted; hesitantly at first, becoming more so as it becomes less of a mystery, then wildly enthusiastically with throngs raving of its wonders and putting down hard cash and imbuing long hours in use of it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes1 Comment

Cantankerous Collaborator Steven Colbert to Take Over for Lame Liberal Lefty Letterman

Cantankerous Collaborator Steven Colbert to Take Over for Lame Liberal Lefty Letterman

The ultimate traitor, Steven Colbert, has sold his soul and gone over to the dark side of the Force.
In signing a deal with CBS, probably with a pinprick and a signature in blood, he has given up his proud conservative legacy for filthy lucre.

Once a true leader and outspoken critic on all things evil and liberal in our pure Aryan society (evil and liberal being the same thing), he has now turned into a horse of another color when offered a shot at fame and fortune. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television0 Comments

The Charge Of The Light Brigade Revisited; Russia Invades Ukraine Edition

The Charge Of The Light Brigade Revisited; Russia Invades Ukraine Edition

There is a famous poem written about another famous invasion of Crimea from the 1800′s- the British fighting the Russians on the Crimean Peninsula.

It is called ‘The Charge Of The Light Brigade’ by Alfred Lord Tennyson and concerns itself with the insane and callous ordering of a Brigade of horsemen to attack a Russian battalion that had them surrounded on three sides. It was a popularly received bit of writing; so famous that several movies were made about it.

In lieu of recent developments in the Ukraine here is a modern remake of it- from the Russian point of view this time followed by the original poem:

(P.S.- a league is a measurement of land.)

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All into the Crimea,
Flew the six thousand.
Forward the Russian flag!
Let’s play political tag!
Into the comrade Ukraine,
Flew the six thousand.

Forward the Russian flag!
Was there a man portrayed,
Who still did not know,
It was all a political play?
If they were to question why,
Putin would scold them not to cry,
It is not their business to pry,
Into the cold Crimea,
Flew the six thousand.

Protestors to the north of them,
Tartars to the right of them,
Ukranians to the left of them,
Screaming and shouting.
Disguised as though they Ukrainen be,
Put on an act did they,
In the town squares,
In the countryside,
Came the six thousand.

Putin lied, his face so bare,
Said “We must take real care,
Else our fellow Russians there,
Will go over to the other side,
And our orders will not abide.”
As all the world wonders.
Putting on airs that all is normal,
Though all around was a political squall,
Cossack and Russian,
Performed as though in a fairy tale,
Written by Tschaicovsky,
Then came even more,
Many more than the six thousand.

Protestors to the north of them,
Tartars to the left of them,
Ukranians to the right of them,
Threatened with sanctions.
They knew they had an easy gig,
Plus they were backed up by MIG’s.
Pretending to protect their countrymen,
When really they don’t give a fig,
Then arrived yet more of them,
Adding to the six thousand.

When will they go back home,
So that I can end this poem?
All the world wonders.
Your wives are going to fool around,
Your neighbor will feel her Venus Mound,
Go home, please, six thousand!

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

THE ORIGINAL POEM

The Charge of the Light Brigade
Half a league, half a league,
  Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death,
  Rode the six hundred.
‘Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns’ he said:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

‘Forward, the Light Brigade!’
Was there a man dismay’d?
Not tho’ the soldiers knew
  Some one had blunder’d:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
  Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
  Rode the six hundred.

Flash’d all their sabres bare,
Flash’d as they turned in air
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army while
  All the world wonder’d:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro’ the line they broke;
Cossack and Russian
Reel’d from the sabre-stroke
Shatter’d and sunder’d.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
  Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro’ the jaws of Death,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
  Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
  All the world wonder’d.
Honour the charge they made!
Honour the Light Brigade,
  Noble six hundred

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Posted in Politics, War Zone8 Comments

Putin Invades Coney Island To Help Russians Living There

Putin Invades Coney Island To Help Russians Living There

Russian President Vladimir Putin has sent Russian troops into Coney Island, a part of Brighton Beach, New York, that has a large immigrant Russian population.

Swarming ashore from submarines that covertly approached the beach, they quickly took over all government buildings and the amusement park, where the commanders had to stop the soldiers from riding the rides there. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News3 Comments

Putin Sets World Record For Quickest Change Of Face In Political History

Putin Sets World Record For Quickest Change Of Face In Political History

Vladimir (the Vampire ) Putin, still glowing from the success of the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia, has suddenly shown his darker side of the Force by invading and taking over the Crimea, a vital peninsula of his supposed ally Ukraine.

Vlad the Cad had impressively shown to the world the creative and suppossedly world-friendly side of Russia in the huge spectacle of the 2014 Olympics. They had spent 50 billion dollars to convince the world that they were part of the team that made the planet run and that Uncle Putin was really just a big Teddy bear of a guy and not the ice veined, Continue Reading

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Posted in World News1 Comment

U.S. Military Takes Back Internet After Realizing The Frankenstein Their Creation Has Become..

U.S. Military Takes Back Internet After Realizing The Frankenstein Their Creation Has Become..

The U.S. Military, the true originator of the Internet, has had enough of the shenanigans it has become and is taking it [the internet] back.

“It was never meant to be the big circus that it is now.” stated General I. Standtall, speaking on behalf of the American Armed Services.

“It was intended as a simple means for us to communicate secretly within a military field of intelligence. Since we let it get out of our hands it has devolved into a morass of anti-intelligence.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, War Zone4 Comments

FOX Television Found To Be Riddled With Subversives.

FOX Television Found To Be Riddled With Subversives.

The conservative news agency FOX News has been found to be riddled with subversives, anarchic souls whose unwholesome lifestyles do not conform to FOX’s strict right leaning policies. Even more surprising, some of these cancerous maladies that weaken the proud morality this nation is based upon have apparently been operating within FOX’s orbit for decades.

The worst of these moles is an entire family of malcontents whose code name is ‘The Simpsons’. Dwelling for decades under the pretense of being an All American Family in the Midwest heartland of Springfield, the antics of this troupe has been corrosive to the very spirit that this country holds to be holy. FOX has apparently not only supported this anarchic bunch for decades, but has profited immensely from their antics.

The family members of the Simpsons makes for a Who’s Who of American traitors to the cause that would equal the Rosenberg’s. This clan of USA underminers include the father, Homer Simpson who is the veritable anti-theses of the the ideal American male. Bald, fat, crude, vulgar and weak-kneed in the face of jelly donuts, he is….um…..oh, forget it! He actually is the symbol of the modern American male.

Let’s go on to his son, Bart Simpson who is the veritable image of a trouble making, rabble rousing brat, already molded into the mentality of being acid to all the good virtues that the USA is known for. Add to that his sister Lisa, already at the age of eight a feminist lesbian in the making, already possessing radical ideas and ready to burn her bra at a moments notice were she old enough to wear one.

Some of these communists in sheep’s clothing have already spread their virus through the FOX channels and passed beyond. The 70′s Show followed the mayhem ignited in the Wisconsin of aforesaid decade by a gang of depraved small town kids. Their mop headed, lust fueled lives marked the decade that most dismantled the stalwart Calvinistic morals our forefathers baptized this land in. Their engaging in beer, per-marital sex, establishment by-passing teenage lifestyles imbued and illustrated the pot infused decadence that under 21′s of that time wallowed in and still do.

It is strange to think that in all this time those guardians of the gates of our moral and political purity- Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Ann Coulter and the other saints of FOX’s conservative elite, have not seen this peril within their very midst and spoken out against it. Some skeptics theorize that these very subversive elements have ironically helped to fund FOX’s war chest with their vast appeal and popularity. This would make FOX a two faced entity which could surely not ever be true.

Other red underwear wearing series that have appeared on FOX that bear scrutinizing include:

Family Guy- another Rosenberg-esque family portraying family virtues while engaging in every manner of decadence possible ( Family guys creator has revealed his Red roots publicly at his hosting of last years Academy awards).

Ally McBeal- featuring such un-American institutions as a shared male-female restroom in a law firm (Gasp!).

The Chevy Chase Show- is there anyone more Un-American than Chevy Chase?

Futurama- a apocalyptic warning of the future for all patriots if there ever was one.

MAD-TV- a gold standard for badly moraled people setting bad examples like dandelion seeds in the wind.

The Wanda Sykes Show- destroying white American one joke at a time.

Joan Rivers The Late Show- allegedly the originator of undermining American values sometime back around World War I.

Married….With Children- the show that first set the status quo for the new dyfunctionality in American families.

The Tracy Ullman Show- bringing in a foreigner to help bring down America.

The George Carlin Show- the King of the hippies and dopers himself being given a show on FOX? Heaven forbid!

Patriots, it is time for a pogrom at FOX Television! We need a McCarthy-esque witch hunt to rid our most American of stations of its moles. Let us all grab our guns and head over to Australian Ruppert Murdoch’s office right now!

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Posted in Television4 Comments

Olympics Save Money By Giving Out Fool’s Gold Trophies

Olympics Save Money By Giving Out Fool’s Gold Trophies

In an attempt to curtail expenses the Olympic Committee has taken the measure of exchanging 1st place gold trophies with ones made out of fool’s gold, the famous mineral often mistaken for gold by enterprising miners. These pseudo statues will be given out to less popular Olympic events such as curling, biathlon, cross-country and short track speed skating.

The athletes in the groups getting the second hand prizes are quite upset over the development. “We work just as hard as the rest of the athletes here.” stated Bruno Armbender, leader of the Macedonian curling team. “Why should we be penalized because we aren’t as pretty as the half naked ice skaters?”

A number of the affected players have raised a vociferous protest which has resulted in violence. Olympic officials have complained of curling discs suddenly bounding towards them as they get out of their cars when they get home. “I never would have guessed that these wimpy things could pack such a punch!” said Rusquero Rasheesh through a microphone implanted in his head to toe traction cast in the Sochi Municipal Hospital #34.

A number of other officials have been admitted to local hospitals with incredibly well aimed small caliber rifle shots to the right buttocks. “I think they are using the right buttocks as a target to symbolize that it is capitalists behind the cheap trophy decision.” commented Dr. Vlad Impaler from Hospital #762.

Other Olympic officials have been admitted covered with cross-country ski marks or speed skating marks all over them. “I didn’t even see them coming….” is the common remark.

To make up for whole categories of Olympic events falling out of the event in protest, the officials have called in the bikini volleyball teams to participate even though it is officially a Summer Olympic event. They had thought that the sight of abundant nude female flesh would distract viewers from the conflict. Unfortunately 80% of the swimsuit clad participants acquired frostbite in highly sensitive feminine locations in the first set of contests. The exception to this was the Russian Inuit team who are used to having to play in unfavorable winter conditions as they live so far north that they do not even know what summer is. They won the gold medal only to find it was really made of iron pyrite which caused them to beat Olympic officials with frozen volleyballs.

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Posted in Sports Events1 Comment

Syrian Chemical Weapons Problem Solved Using Assad’s Own Methods

Syrian Chemical Weapons Problem Solved Using Assad’s Own Methods

A vast problem has developed with the disposal of the chemical weapons possessed by Bashir Assad’s military in Syria. Used to cripple and decimate his own people, Assad escaped a bombing by U.S. Forces in retaliation by promising to turn all chemical weapons over to International powers that would inventory and get rid of them.

Unfortunately, no one wants to take them. Volunteers have come forward to do the inventory, transport them to the ocean, to load them on ships, to sail them. But no one wants to take and dispose of them in their own country. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone1 Comment

Jihadist Gets The 72 Virgins That He So Richly Deserves

Jihadist Gets The 72 Virgins That He So Richly Deserves

The Gates To Glory opened wide to accept young Jasheed as he entered the Jihadist Heaven he worked so hard to deserve.

His trainers had always indoctrinated him on the wonders that would await him there were he to prove himself to be a true fundamentalist patriot.

Now, his mission completed and multiple bodies torn apart by his suicide bomb including his own, he had now come to get his awards. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism0 Comments

In Duel With The NRA And LaPierre Obama Loses

In Duel With The NRA And LaPierre Obama Loses

Many believed it would be a dramatic and historic meeting between President Obama and NRA leader Wayne LaPierre when they met at a press conference in New York this afternoon.

After a long standing feud (minus guns but about guns) between the two for the entire duration of Obama’s term, the President has finally admitted defeat and will cave in to the NRA’s demands that anybody anywhere can buy and possess guns of any make at any time they so wish. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics7 Comments

The NFL’s Big Taxpayer Heist

The NFL’s Big Taxpayer Heist

Now that the Super Bowl is over and you are either in euphoric heaven or the depths of despair depending upon your gridiron loyalties, let me proceed to burst your little bubble: the NFL is ripping you off.

Due to an old tax code created when the NFL and the AFL joined in 1966 they get to enjoy tax exempt status.

The NFL makes $9.5 billion a year.

Yes, $9.5 billion. How much do you make? How much of that is taxes? Continue Reading

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Posted in Serious Commentary6 Comments

Thomas Jefferson, James Madison’s Nasty Hobby of Making Monsters

Thomas Jefferson, James Madison’s Nasty Hobby of Making Monsters

Our Historic Leaders, Madison and Jefferson, Also had A Hobby Making Frankensteins.

There are unknown, dark portions of our history that our leaders would just as soon hope we didn’t learn. There are secrets about those who are at the helm and have the stewardship of our country that would cause many to become sickened and lose their patriotic fervor were they ever to be revealed. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics4 Comments

What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The Super Bowl

What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The Super Bowl

Far beyond the reaches of normal men’s consciousnesses there exists a part of the etheric worlds where what could have been still can be.

All events as remembered by the minds of men are not held fast in memories lock, but are fluid and flexible, and not confined to history’s limiting pages.

All the conditions that led to so many ‘historical’ events, be they political, military, or even that most mundane of human activities- sports- are a set of possibilities leading up to results that are now considered locked in an illusionary time and place called history.

But what if those conditions had been altered- the weather caused one army to defeat another instead of vice-versa, an accident of death to one individual causes an entire nations fate to be altered and so forth? What if the aftermath of those conditions could be played out as though something different had changed the course of a history and could be known to we mere mortals?

Say, for instance, if the Green Bay Packers had not been defeated by the San Francisco 49er’s in the play offs and had gone on to play the Seattle Sea Hawks in the Super Bowl, what would the multiple minute conditions that would be altered be, all the little variables like the changes in the weather from one place to the other, from the changes in the national football consciousness as a result, from the attitudes of the different players involved be. What would have been the outcome?

Using spiritual seers who can peer deeply into the etheric mists, we have uncovered ‘The Mystery Of What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The 2014 Super Bowl’- a foretelling as full of haunting majesty, power and glory as the ghosts visiting Scrooge on Christmas Eve.

Forth down, fifteenth yard line, fourth quarter. The Packers again have the Seahawks on the ropes as they battle if out for another touchdown. The Packers have, out of sheer pity, allowed the Seahawks to get 6 points ahead so that the foredooming loss will not ruin their self-esteem.

That is the famous compassion that Wisconsiners have for all out of staters, but now even that virtue must come to an end in the scrimmage for the top glory of footballdom. Now it was payback time. Quarterback Aaron Rogers falls back, fakes a pass, then runs it in himself side-arming several Seahawks who fall on the ground and cry like babies, some at being hurt and some at the score being even upped.

The field goal scores and the Seahawks are sweating. The lineup forms, the Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson throws. Ball goes 15 yards downfield and is caught. Player is tackled by the Packer human battering rams; the Seahawks runner’s leg is accidentally is broken off at the hip. Player is carried off field screaming wildly in pain. Packers put detached leg on ice to save for the trophy room.

Seahawks pass another ball 10 yards downfield, Packers corn-fed bulldozers bear down on him. Ball recipient screams like a girl and immediately heads for sidelines. Gets caught one foot short of sidelines and is buried under a wave of green and gold uniforms. When pile of oversized bodies is finally pulled off him his head is twisted around backwards, making it hard for him to chew food and walk down a street straight for the rest of his life.

On the next play, Russell Wilson runs the ball himself, then when he sees the Packer bullet trains pounding towards him, he turns and runs 20 yards back shrieking wildly and successful makes it to the sidelines before being avalanched by the Packer defense.

An angered Seahawks cheerleader seeing this grabs the ball from him and runs it down field herself. She is daintily tackled by the Packers front men at the 20 yard line. She finds herself excited by this experience and gives all five men her phone number and tells them to call her after the game.

Russell Wilson is set upon by the other cheerleaders who are humiliated by his actions, beaten to a cottage cheese consistency, and, in a move that led to quite a bit of television censorship, was ‘Bobbited’ and thereby deprived forever of his manhood.

Now desperate not to be embarrassed by the whole nation and having their star quarterback de-manned in public, the Seahawks pull out their last card. In a move that ranks in the highest level of treachery, cunning and outright bastardly conniving, they introduce the secret quarterback they had covertly hired as a trump card just in case of such an emergency ensued. The new quarterback comes out on the field covered by a blanket to conceal his identity.

The huddle forms, the new thrower for the Seahawks throws off the blanket. A gasp goes through the Packer stadium. It is Brett Favre, more infamous than Benedict Arnold even as a traitor.

seahawks-slam-twoA resounding ‘Boooooooooooooo!!! sounds through the entire stadium, then, as the images reach TV sets, throughout the entire city of Green Bay, then throughout the whole state of Wisconsin, reaching decibels so loud that they knock out communications satellites in space above the Midwest for the next twenty minutes.

The lines form, the ball is shunted, Favre passes. The ball goes downfield, is caught and taken to the end zone for a goal. The entire stadium screams in unison, making a bestial moan so strong that it moves the earth a full meter off its rotation.

The entire Packer team, driven by outrage to a level of frustration that no human should ever have to endure, rush their former teammate and pile down on him, beefy appendages flailing. In a ten minute massacre that TV censors will soon call ‘the day we really made big overtime’, the assault on Favre is so thorough that what is left of him is passed through a sieve and put in a bottle for burial.

Thus the 2014 Super Bowl becomes the first ever to end in default. Too afraid of the rabid Packer fans, the game officials just hand the Packers the trophy and go running for the gates. Only a few clips of the Packers celebrating their victory surface, taken by private cameras and photo devices as all professional camera men had run for their lives.

They show a jubilant Packerland mob celebrating their heroes win and the ones taken when they thought no one was watching no one was watching showing them stomping the surviving Seahawks players into the Astroturf like grapes being made into fine Wisconsin jelly, a proud tradition handed down from their Viking heritage.

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Posted in Sports Events18 Comments

Taliban Successfully Destroys Afghan Society- Reverts To Cannibalism

Taliban Successfully Destroys Afghan Society- Reverts To Cannibalism

The Taliban has successfully destroyed every business and killed every non-conforming citizen and foreigner in Afghanistan. Left without an effective economy and without anyone who understands any technology beyond that of making heroin the entire land has fallen into a morass of chaos and starvation.

In light of these developments the Grand Mullah of the Taliban has issued a statement saying that it is allowable for his soldiers of Allah to cannibalize their fellow Afghans.

“It is permissible for those fighting in the name of Allah to partake of the flesh of other human beings. In fact, it is righteous before the Lord to so consume. Those fighting the Infidels must be strong and cannot be hindered by hunger. Those holy Believers who give their lives to feed our heroes should be proud and thankful that they can be martyrs in this way.”

The Mullah has further issued an edict listing the order in which ‘volunteers’ for the emergency food chain should be chosen:

Christians and Jews first. Originally the Mullah had placed them on a strict ‘Do Not Eat’ list because, as he said, they are the equivalent of swine, an Islamic no-no.

Buddhists, Hindus, Jains, Shintos, Satanists and all other religions that do not comply to Mohammedanism. Satanists do not taste particularly good and will perhaps be stricken from the list entirely.

White foreigners.

Paula Dean.

Non-white foreigners.

Non practicing Muslims.

Women.

Children.

Babies.

The Chief Mullah has stated that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are clerics to be eaten! This cannot be strongly enough stated! Clerics and Mullahs are Holy men of Allah and were they to be killed the murderer would himself be immediately sent to Hell and made into shish-ka-bob, being turned over a hot fire and devoured by beasts for all eternity!!!

Many Christians have saved themselves from being eaten by declaring that they had just eaten pork, which theoretically would make their own hide unclean to eat, in which case they were merely immediately slaughtered by the Taliban and not consumed.

The lack of any modern conveniences has made it difficult for the Taliban in other ways. For instance Korans can no longer be printed. This leads to a shortage of them, which, in another way aids the clerics. Without so many to read it is easier to change the meanings of the verses to whatever purpose they want, much the way fundamentalist Christian preachers do.

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Posted in War Zone, World News6 Comments

“The Mouse” Extracts His Revenge

“The Mouse” Extracts His Revenge

The Mouse has had enough.

Within his realm, The Mouse would be written THE MOUSE, but here on this satire site we are safe from his surveillance and what could be misconstrued as a sign of disrespect.

At least for now, that is.

For years The Mouse has watched as young upstarts have corroded the Empire that he and his Master have so carefully and painstakingly put together. Continue Reading

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Posted in Television2 Comments

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