New Dogfish Head Brew a Blatz from the Past

Delaware based brewery Dogfish Head has released the newest in its Ancient Ale Series to mixed reviews. Dogfish Head first re-created Midas Touch from residue found on 2700 year old pottery fragments discovered in a tomb in Turkey.

And after extensive testing to determine the ingredients, all indications are that this brew is likely what killed the guy.

The newest brew to reach the market is called Kvasir, or Nordic Grog, named after a mythical Norse hero born of salvia and killed by dwarfs. This alluring concoction resulted from the chemical analysis of 3500 year old fragments from a birch drinking vessel found in a woman’s tomb in Denmark. “We figured this might taste better, given the delicate palates of women through-out history,” said Dr. Souseman, lead researcher at Dogfish.

After careful analysis of the fragments using infrared spectrometry, liquid chromatography, mass spectroscopy and good old solid-phase micro-extraction gas chromatography, research reveals the contents of Kvasir are lingonberry, cranberry, honey, birch syrup, gale, yarrow and red winter wheat. However, despite all the testing, the flavor was somewhat disappointing. “Looks like we ran every damned test on this thing except for running it past Otis the town drunk,” quipped Dr. Souseman. Consumer comments reveal this is not a sweet beer, more sour and dry than expected by modern palates. And those were the good comments.

Other comments include, “Makes Pabst taste gourmet,” and, “Tastes like someone upchucked a Champale into a Zima.”

Even the World’s Most Interesting Man weighed in: “I usually don’t drink beer, but when I do, what comes out the next day tastes better than this!”

That kind of tied into one commenter’s remark about “Corpse piss”, but Dogfish is confident the taste will catch on once bar patrons are drunk enough. Some scientists suggest analysis may have been too thorough, resulting in more results from the contaminants in the fragments and fewer from the stuff that would have made the beer taste better. “There’s just too much cowbell in there,” said one researcher throwing up into a wastebasket.

Dogfish is available in about 27 states but actually consumed in fewer than half of those. And in related news, Cat Scratch Fever Botanicals plans to recreate a strain of marijuana found in the underwear of a Spanish Conquistador apparently trying to smuggle it out of Mexico. More on this story as it develops but researchers expect it to be some really good…well, you know.

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