PYONGYANG, N. KOREA – Dennis Rodman is alive and, at present, sober after being found face down in a small mud puddle in an alleyway adjacent to the Pyongyang stadium where he sang “Happy Birthday” to N. Korean leader Kim Jong Un on Wednesday.
Sources close to Rodman claim the washed up basketball player drank heavily the night of his birthday tribute. Rodman found out the hard way that in North Korea, if you drink heavily, you are on your own, regardless of whether or not you resemble Marilyn Monroe in any way.
No one, especially Un, would speak to Rodman after his 15th shot of Andong soju (a distilled liquor from the city of the same name), and Un ordered Rodman be stripped naked (Un is said to have an affinity for the 50+ Rodman’s rock-hard abs) and left alone to wander the streets of Pyongyang.
Un then advised his soldiers that if Rodman found his way to Un’s supreme bedroom, they were to leave the two alone so that Rodman could rest. A “do not disturb” sign was hastily scribbled on the back of a Korean take-out box and placed on Un’s door. Un’s wife was ordered to sleep on the supreme couch that evening.
However, Rodman never made it back to the supreme palace and instead, was found naked and semi-conscious in the alleyway still singing parts of the birthday song, changing it only slightly to indicate he was wishing himself a happy birthday and not the Supreme Leader.
Rodman was finally brought to the only hospital in Pyongyang, where he was ordered to vomit or be killed. Rodman reportedly vomited and is now confirmed to be sober enough to realize he may be in serious trouble with the Supreme Leader if he doesn’t come up with a quick basketball analogy to explain his actions over the past few days.