Categorized | Society, Strange People

Local Man Comes to Conclusion Neighbor is Just Plain Mean

Local Man Comes to Conclusion Neighbor is Just Plain Mean

After years of living next door to a man perceived to simply have an abrasive sense of humor, a local man has finally determined his neighbor is just plain mean.

Mike Mitty, owner of Mighty Mitty Comics Emporium moved in next door to Doug Schitt seven years ago and thought there was an immediate bond.

“I saw him out in the yard repairing a broken sewer line and spotted his name on the mailbox,” Mitty noted.

“So I greeted him cheerfully, you know, making the first friendly gesture. And the first thing he told me was to stay the hell off his lawn,” said Mitty.

“Here he had dead cars parked on rutted dirt that passed for a front yard, not a speck of grass or even weeds in sight. I laughed so hard, I couldn’t catch my breath,” said Mitty. “It was hilarious the way he said that with a straight face.” Mitty knew he had just found his newest best friend.

Mitty could always look forward to a humorous remark or witty retort every time he encountered Schitt. “Seeing Schitt was the highlight of my day,“ said Mitty.

“After 10 or 12 hours of listening to comic geeks talking about back issues, it was refreshing to have Schitt to look forward to. Whether it was him calling my shirt and pants combination ‘50 Shades of Gay’ or referring to my Prius as a ‘Vagina with Wheels’ he could always find a way to tickle my funny bone.

In fact, for years, Mitty suspected Schitt was a freelance comedy writer. “He never went to work. He spent most of the night up, much like a writer. Besides tinkering with broken down cars and an occasional dog fight in the backyard, he was fairly reserved,” said Mitty. “But, his comedic comments were original Schitt!”

One Halloween when Mitty left a bowl of popcorn balls out for the neighborhood children, he discovered Schitt picking through it. “When I reminded Schitt they were for the kids he pretended to fly into a rage and urinate into the bowl. He jokes around like that. Of course, I knew it was only a Halloween prank. Just water, so I put ‘em in the oven to dry.

“Soon I smelled the aroma and realized Schitt had splattered the balls with a brine…and some unknown spice I couldn’t really identify…to pump up the flavor. He’s a known gourmet, always cooking something over there I can’t identify but based on the traffic to his door, Schitt must be good. And the popcorn needed it, which is probably why the kids never liked the damn things anyway. I usually end up throwing them away but I stayed up all night eating those,” Mitty recalled fondly. “That’s me, Mr. No-Self-Control!” Mitty snorted.

However, Mitty had an abrupt change of perspective late last week after his neighbor allegedly knocked him unconscious with an empty whiskey bottle. “I was leaving early for work and all I remember is waking up in the hospital,” said Mitty.

His neighbor immediately turned himself into police and was arrested for criminal assault with a dangerous weapon as well as maintaining a drug lab. The neighbor is reportedly pleading temporary insanity as a result of an all night bender, an 8 ball and being greeted cheerfully by Mitty with, “Having an early morning, Schitt?”

During booking, however, it was revealed that the neighbor’s name is really ‘Schmitt’. When informed of this fact, Mitty frowned and shook his head incredulously. “Whoa! Well, that’s certainly an unfortunate misunderstanding. It does demonstrate the need to touch up ones mailbox periodically, but damn!”

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4 Responses to “Local Man Comes to Conclusion Neighbor is Just Plain Mean”

  1. Mad Max says:

    I do not appreciate being mocked in satire.

  2. Rusty Shackleford says:

    Sadly, so many people act like Schitt. Funny and well observed, Kilroy.

  3. Kilroy says:

    Thanks Rusty. Actually, the piece is a bit of a hyperbola in that most of us don’t have it that bad. My neighbor is a lousy shot.

  4. Steve Schmitz says:

    damn. bummer dude.

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