Government Chemtrail Program Deemed a Success

US Government officials declared today that their government sponsored Chemtrail program, which is designed to make people more submissive to government authority, is a total success.

“People are more submissive now than at any time in history”, proudly declared US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter. “Voter turnout is down to 38%, fewer people are signing petitions or staging demonstrations and apathy reigns throughout the country! Our Chemtrail program has been a resounding success!”

Carter stated that the chemtrails contain aluminum nanoparticles and other chemicals that interact with the human brain causing people to be more submissive, more apathetic and generate an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. This will be helpful to military authorities when martial law is declared.

“On the downside we are seeing more people with Alzheimer’s, cognitive dysfunction, Parkinson’s, ALS and other diseases. But for the sake of a free and happy America it’s worth it!” Carter stated.

Carter stated that Operation Jade Helm 15 is being carried out in Texas and other states to little resistance. Jade Helm 15 is the largest domestic military training “exercise” in United States history.

Joint Chief of Staff Chairman General Martin Dempsey praised the program. “Back in the 60s we had people smoking dope, having sex and protesting the war in Vietnam. With the chemtrail program we see none of that. We can carry out our formerly covert activities in the open and nobody gives a shit!”

Most people interviewed seemed to care little about the chemtrail program. “Yeah, no big whoop”, said NYC stockbroker Josh Carbonetti.

“I got better things to worry about”, said Brooklyn physics professor Peter Gruber.

“Does my hair look okay?” asked LA consultant Sheila Weinberg.

There is much more to this story but I have lost interest in writing any more.

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Driverless Car Impounded for DUI

One of the Google driverless cars has been pulled over and impounded for driving under the influence of ethanol, according to California Highway Patrol officers.

“The car was speeding down the 5 Freeway at 30 miles over the speed limit and driving in and out of lanes”, said CHP officer Joel Braggin. “When I opened the gas compartment door I could smell the alcohol”.

Peter Innocente, a passenger in the vehicle, was shocked at how the car was behaving. “It wouldn’t let me take the wheel”, a still shaken Innocente declared. “I’m lucky to be alive! I’m gald those cops came when they did!”

Like humans, self-driving cars are required to have no more than .08 alcohol in their systems. Innocente’s vehicle measured a .34. Over 4 times the legal limit.

“I plan on suing the gas station that served him that mixture”, Innocente told Glossy News. “I want to make sure no one else has to deal with this!”

The car has been impounded for a minimum of 30 days and wil lose its registration for at least 5 years. The car itself was unavailable for comment.

“I”m going to get me an old VW Bug and keep it sober!” Innocente declared.

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Mitt Romney Admits He’s a ‘Douche-bag’

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney dropped out of the Presidential race yesterday stating that he was not qualified for the job.

“I’m a douche-bag”, Romney. “I don’t know what’s going on with the American people. You don’t want a loser like me for president”.

Romney admitted that his comfortable, wealthy lifestyle and wanton disregard for the poor and underprivileged have made him a poor candidate for the nations highest post.

“I admit I would be a pretty good commander in chief though”, Romney continued. “I wouldn’t mind sending young men into war or wantonly killing scores of innocent people. That would actually give me a tickle”.

Many other Republicans expressed relief that Romney has dropped out of the race. Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee said in reference to Romney, “he’s not God fearing enough. He’d lead us into war but I doubt he would push the nuclear trigger! That’s what I’ll do when I’m president. In the name of God and country!”

New Jersey governor Chris Christie claims he just doesn’t like Romney. “He’s a f(ricking) loser! At least now he’s admitting he’s a douche bag! Not like me! I’m a fat, obnoxious regular American! Like all of you!”

Most people interviewed agreed that Romney would suck as president and they would not vote for him. But they expressed the same sentiments for all the republican candidates. And democrats.

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Japanese Encouraged to Get Laid More

Faced with a declining birth rate and an ever growing elderly population, Japanese citizens are being encouraged to have more sex.

“Japanese men and women seemed to have lost interest in sex!” said prominent Japanese legislative leader Seiko Noda. “We need to stimulate the people’s interest in sex before the whole country disappears!”

Noda proposes a government sponsored “get laid now” campaign to stimulate the libido of Japanese citizens. Under the proposal, citizens will be provided with erotic literature, sexy lingerie, lubricating lotions, edible panties, fishnet stocking and bondage equipment such as whips and chains.

“We will not provide condoms or French Ticklers because that would defeat the whole purpose!” Noda explained.

In a recent survey 38% of Japanese men and 39% of Japanese women between the ages of 18 and 34 admit they have never had sex at all.

“I’ve had a couple of blow jobs”, said 28 year old Shinjo Ichikawa. “But I have never put my dick in a vagina”.

Experts claim that Japanese women simply aren’t interested in the tiny penises Japanese men have in relation to white or black men.

“I just like to play with myself”, said 24 year old Akiko Shonokane. “I have a career. I don’t have time for little Japanese penises. And it’s so hard to find a gaijin (foreigner)”.

“We may have to open our doors to foreigners in order to interest more women in sex’, said Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.

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Hillary Clinton Latest in Nude Celebrity Photo Scandal

Aspiring Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appears to be the latest notable figure involved in the nude celebrity photo leak scandal, according to traumatized sources who have seen the photos.

“I can’t believe I saw those pictures!” said TMZ spokesperson Alicia Hartless. “I may have to spend a few years in therapy just to wipe those images from my mind!”

Some people who saw the pictures were not offended at all. “I think she’s pretty hot”, said Los Angeles car salesman Andrew Spigelman. “But, then again, I think iguanas are pretty hot.”

Clinton was very upset when she heard that her cell phone pictures had been hacked. “Those ‘naughty nighty’ and ‘secret masturbation’ pictures were only supposed to be between me and Bill!” she said excitedly. “When I become President the first thing I’ll do is find the people who hacked me and shackle them for the rest of their lives!”

RNC Press Secretary Kristen Kukowski downplayed the nude photos. “We’re not talking about pictures of Kim Kardashian or Hope Solo here. Those are people we WANT to see naked.”

Glossy News refused to post any of the nude photos of the former First Lady because some people reading this may be having lunch.

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