Posted on 07 December 2013.
Spokespersons for GlaxoSmithKline, Merk, Pfizer and other makers of immunization therapies stated today that the pharmaceutical industry is reintroducing the measles virus to America.
“The measles virus was eradicated throughout most of the world”, said Pfizer spokesperson Juliette Riposs. “Fewer people were having their children vaccinated and this was cutting into our profit margin!”
Riposs reminded consumers that the pharmaceutical industry controls not only the vaccines but also the virus itself. In order to remain profitable the industry has either reintroduced viruses or genetically modified them so as they once again become a serious threat.
“If we really wanted to cure people of viruses we’ve had a cure for all of them for years (see http://web.mit.edu/newsoffice/2011/antiviral-0810.html) but there’s no profit in a cure!” said Merk Product Director Jamie Silverito. “It’s much more cost effective and profitable to treat the symptoms!”
A spokesperson for Vicks Inc stated, “do you think anyone is going to buy Vape-o-Rub or sinus medicine if they never get a cold or the flu? Hell no!”
Jack Lew, the US Secretary of the Treasury, reminded Americans that the pharmaceutical industry is keeping the U.S. Solvent, creates jobs for millions of workers, stimulates the economy and prevents financial disaster.
“You can take your liberal pansy bullshit and stuff it down the crapper” Lew told the media. “We need money and the pharmaceutical industry knows how to make it. Get your kid vaccinated. Contribute some money to the economy. Or else your kids will get measles!”
Posted in Biz News, Top Stories
Posted on 25 October 2013.
After reports surfaced that former Victoria’s Secrets model Miranda Kerr has split from her husband Orlando Bloom, millions of men admit to having fantasies about dating or having sex with her.
“Goddamn she’s single now!” exclaimed Nebraska construction worker Gerald Hornby. “I’d love to be the first one in her panties!”
“I can see myself doing her”, said New York bartender Larry Tish. “Hey, if she comes into the bar she won’t be able to resist me!”
Some men expressed interest in dating the model but withheld any preconceived sexual interest. “We should go out for dinner first”, said Los Angeles attorney Douglas Hartwell. “Then I could take her to the theater, maybe buy her a fur coat. Even fantasizing about sex would have to wait a couple of weeks for a classy gal like her”.
A small percentage of men expressed little interest in dating the curvaceous model. “She’d want me to buy her nice shoes and diamond rings and expensive shit like that”, said Macy’s Department Store worker Lloyd Johnson. “It’s all I can do now to take my gal out for dinner at Denny’s once a week”.
Meanwhile, some women expressed interest in dating her former husband and Lord of the Rings star Orlando Bloom. “He’s fricking hot and he’s rich!” said Bangor, Maine Starbucks barrister Shirley Filswhip. “He can park his shoes under my bed anytime!”
Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment
Posted on 25 August 2013.
Convicted military whistle-blower Bradley Manning, now known as Chelsea E. Manning, will be reprimanded to the all-female Federal Prison Camp in Alderson, WV to serve out his 35 year prison sentence, according to sentencing officials.
“Now that Manning claims he’s a woman we have no choice but to remand him to a prison that only houses women”, said Military Judge Richard “Dick” Koslowski.
Military officials said Manning will start receiving hormone treatments right away though it may be several years before he has his penis removed. Therefore, he will be living at the prison for a time as a woman trapped in a man’s body.
“I feel sorry for the guy”, said US General Joseph Dunford. “I couldn’t imagine what he must be going through!”
Others were not quite so sympathetic with Manning’s plight. Staff sergeant Bill Nichols said “This whole thing sounds screwy to me. I think the whole reason he wants to be a woman is so he can go to a woman’s prison and get laid by hot babes! Could you imagine being the only guy among 3000 horny women? Lock me up!”
The Alderson Prison Camp became a household name when TV personality Martha Stewart was housed there for five months in 2004. In addition to being the only male, Manning will enjoy swimming in the Olympic size pool, and participate in talent and game shows. He will also enjoy volleyball, tennis, basketball, racquetball, softball and go roller skating with the other female inmates.
Manning stated that, in addition to being female, he also wants to be a lesbian.
Posted in Top Stories
Posted on 01 August 2013.
I’ve grown disheartened with standard advice columns such as “Dear Abby” and “Ask Amy”. We are all long overdue for a practical advice column with some real-life answers. Here are a few questions and home-spun practical advice from the advice-master NickFun:
Our 12-year-old is invited to a school friend’s birthday sleepover. I’ve always had an uneasy feeling the parents don’t supervise their kids very well, and a mom I trust agrees I shouldn’t let my son attend. What do you suggest? And if I say no, how should I explain my decision to him? Sign, Concerned Parent.
Dear Concerned Parent,
The kid’s twelve! He’s not in diapers anymore! Maybe you supervise the kid too much! It’d be good for him to have some fun with his friends without his snoopy parents peeking in his room all the time. Sure, he might have a couple beers or smoke a dube but that’s part of growing up! Stop training him to be a wimp and let him have some fun!
My name is Tim and I am 16 years old. My girlfriend is also 16 and she’s trying to pressure me into having sex. I want to wait until I am married. What should I do? Signed Tim.
What are you? A homo? Take a look at those two gorgeous jugs! Don’t you want to have your hands on them? Stop jerking off and give her what she wants!
Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Society
Posted on 13 July 2013.
In an effort to introduce children to the realities of war, Hasbro Inc. announced today that it will begin marketing the new PTSD GI Joe.
“Up until now we have always presented GI Joe as being fearless, ready to kill Vietnamese or Iraqi soldiers”, said Hasbro marketing executive Clive Barron. “The new PTSD GI Joe will reflect the reality of war. He will be more withdrawn, easily irritated, at times shaking uncontrollably and unable to maintain relationships”.
Barron said the new PTSD GI Joe will be outfitted with tiny medications, alcohol bottles and a psychiatrist doll, sold separately. Also, instead of his usual GI greens, Joe will be clad in ordinary street clothes.
“We think of this GI Joe as already being discharged from the service”, Barron continued. “But, of course, we leave it up to the imagination of the child”.
Barron further stated that to further fuel the child’s Imagination, the new GI Joe will have removable limbs, wheelchair and a bandage set. Unlike the old GI Joe, this one will be unarmed.
“We can’t give a gun to a loose canon!” Barron said.
“Oh boy!” said 8 year old Josh Belieber. “I can hardly wait for my new GI Joe doll!”
Belieber said his PTSD GI Joe has plans to do unspeakable things to Barbie and Ken.
“Barbie and Ken are just spoiled brats!” Josh said. “Joe’s gonna show ‘em who’s boss!”
Posted in Biz News
Posted on 08 July 2013.
Just as the media started to descend on Secretary of State John Kerry for vacationing aboard his yacht while Egypt crumbled, his wife had some sort of mysterious seizure taking the spotlight off him.
“My wife is so wonderful she even pretended to be sick”, a teary eyed Kerry said to an unnamed source. “She took some drugs that cause seizures when combined with alcohol and it’s very difficult to find this drug in her system with standard tests!”
Kerry was just starting to be attacked by the news media for taking a Nantucket vacation as Egyptian President Mohammed Morsi was violently overthrown from office. The tactic of having his wife become ill has been described as “brilliant” by political analysts.
“Rather than appearing not to care for his job, he now seems like the devoted and caring husband!” said analyst Joe Shempke. “Perhaps he had the ‘sick wife’ thing in his back pocket for just such an occasion!”
74 year old Teresa Heinz Kerry’s condition has been upgraded to good after arriving at the hospital in critical condition.
Posted in Politics, Top Stories
Posted on 25 June 2013.
Government whistleblower Edward Snowden warned US citizens today that the NSA has confiscated the cameras of all computers and they are surreptitiously watching all Americans masturbate.
“Even when you don’t think you’re online or even when your computer is turned off the US government is watching you and keeping a record of your activities”, the activist claimed. “When you masturbate you should keep the camera away from where they might see you!”
NSA officials were quick to deny Snowden’s report. “That’s ridiculous!” said NSA Director Keith Alexander. “The only people we watch masturbating are suspected terrorists, felons suspected of terrorist activities and others who may become terrorists!”
Some Americans claim they have seen NSA monitoring them. Ms. Paula Glasscock, a secretary from the law firm of Hoar & Hoar, was masturbating while watching a video on a popular porn site when a video image of an NSA agent popped onto her screen. “The man on the screen said, ‘shit, I accidentally turned my camera on’, then the screen went back to normal!” she stated. “And it was just as I was approaching the big O!”
Alexander neither confirmed nor denied the report but did say, “the law firm Ms. Glasscock works for does business with another law firm that has ties to a company that sells to a business that buys products from Pakistan, a country known for terrorist activities. We may or may not have been have been surreptitiously monitoring her to assure she does not engage in terrorist activities”.
Snowden claims the NSA has hundreds of thousands of videos of people masturbating from Skype, Google, Facebook and dozens of other services.
“If they don’t want us to see them masturbating then don’t masturbate!” concluded Alexander.
Posted in Politics, Top Stories
Posted on 19 June 2013.
After failing to find his body in a field in Oakland Township, MI, federal authorities announced today that they have found several other locations throughout the United States that may be hiding the body of former Teamsters Boss Jimmy Hoffa.
“We have had leads from a number of psychics, mob leaders and average citizens”, said former FBI agent John Anthony. “And we will leave no stone unturned until we find him!”
Anthony says he and his team will be searching a vacant lot in Ojai, CA, a cornfield in Iowa, a series of caves in New Brunswick and an apple orchard in New Hampshire.
“He’s probably not in the orchard but we’re going to check it anyway”, Anthony stated. “And if none of these places check out we do have a few more”.
Federal authorities and private citizens have spent $132 million looking for Hoffa’s body since 1975 to no avail. Much of the money has been spent on bribing mobsters, digging up fields and lawns, tearing down homes and interviewing possible witnesses. The remainder of the money is being used to keep FBI agents employed.
“We won’t stop until we’ve torn apart this entire country!” Anthony declared.
Posted in Crime, Society
Posted on 16 June 2013.
15-year-old Josh Hanby claims he was not at all traumatized after having sex with his 27-year-old French Teacher Ms. Elaine Francois and actually seemed to enjoy the experience.
“Man, it was fricking great!” Hanby stated. “She’s smokin hot! I’d do her again if she wasn’t locked up!”
Despite Hanby’s obvious enjoyment of the experience, law enforcement personnel were notified and Ms Francois has been arrested for statutory rape of a person under 16. If convicted she faces a minimum of 5 years behind bars and will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of her life.
Police say that on April 13 of this year Hanby stopped off at Ms Francois residence for some “private tutoring” in French. During the tutoring session Hanby made mention of the size of Ms Francois’ breasts and put his hand on her thigh. Things quickly escalated out of control until the two engaged in a torrid act of copulation.
Hanby’s father said he didn’t think Ms. Francois should be incarcerated. “That boy has not stopped smiling since it happened!” the father declared. “His grades are going up, he’s more attentive at school, he’s participating in sports and he’s the envy of all his friends!”
Psychologists have determined that regardless of the young man’s initial experience, he will suffer trauma later in life. “Sex at such a young age could result in psychosis, hallucinations and a host of psychological problems”, said childhood psychologist Barry Carne. “To maintain good mental health a child should remain a virgin until at least 17”.
Meanwhile, the young Hanby has started dating 16-year-old cheerleader Vanessa Bertalucci. “Now if I get laid it will be legal. At least until she turns 18”, the young man stated.
Posted in Top Stories
Posted on 16 June 2013.
Many supporters of government whistleblower Edward Snowden claim that his girlfriend Lindsay Mills is just an “average” pole dancer with no special attributes.
“I’ve seen Lindsay dance and she ain’t nothing special”, said New York bartender Sal Jennings, 37. “She can’t do handstands. She doesn’t hug the pole in a real sexy way. Really nothing special”.
“I can see why he dumped her”, said 24 year old librarian Stacy Bertalucci. “I’m a librarian and I’m sexier than that!” Continue Reading
Posted in Politics, War Zone
Posted on 02 May 2013.
New York Attorney Tony Girbaldi has filed a class action suite against State Farm Insurance for claiming that reciting their company jingle would bring an instant representative followed by mystic gain and benefits.
State Farm customer Sheila Potekin said her car was attacked by a herd of wild yaks while at a nature preserve and no one responded when she recited the jingle.
“The ad I saw recently showed a couple of guys in a similar situation and a representative appeared and zapped them into his office. My car was destroyed and I had to be rescued by park personnel who were not affiliated with State Farm”, she stated.
Another State Farm customer Irving Pelter said he was driving recklessly around a hairpin turn. As he saw his vehicle going out of control he confidently sang, “Like a good neighbor State Farm is there”. Instead of a representative appearing, Pelter’s car continued it’s precipitous plunge resulting in severe injuries.
“I even sang the jingle after I crashed”, Pelter lamented. “Nothing. No representative. No magical event. Nothing like the commercials”.
Pelter said he did manage to reach a representative but had to wait until he was on the phone in the hospital. When asked why he didn’t appear at his moment of need the representative simply said that is an ad gimmick and not to be taken literally.
“Then they raised my premium because of the accident. It just ain’t fair”, Pelter continued.
Most State Farm employees refused to be interviewed because of the pending litigation but one employee did speak on condition of anonymity. “It’s just a totally stupid commercial. And unless you’re buying wrong we won’t even save you any money!” she claimed.
Attorney Girbaldi claims he is seeking $1.2 billion to cover all the people who have State Farm yet have not benefited from the jingle.
Posted in Biz News, Top Stories
Posted on 17 April 2013.
In an effort to cut down on arson and cigarette smoking, the California legislature unanimously approved a measure to ban the use, sale and/or distribution of “lighters, matches and other forms of portable incendiary devices”.
“Cigarettes and flammable tobacco products unto themselves are not dangerous”, said Governor Jerry Brown. “It’s the act of smoking them that’s dangerous”.
Brown also stated that most arson cases are caused by the use of matches, lighters and other types of portable incendiary devices.
Brown pointed out that if matches and lighters were banned people would be living longer, healthier lives, arson could be prevented and the state would save billions of dollars in insurance costs.
“And we will prevent the accidental explosions of backyard grills and exposed barbecue pits”, the governor continued. “We will make exception for large, self-igniting gas stoves”.
Critics of the new law indicate that items such as magnifying glasses, flint stones and dry sticks were not included in the ban. The governor stated, “Magnifying glasses would deprive the elderly of the ability to read and we cannot enforce the restriction of items that are commonly found in wooded areas”.
The governor pointed out that magnifying glasses would be worthless on cloudy days and a person would have to have the patience of a saint to start a fire with sticks or stones.
“I see no reason why any good citizen should have access to fire”, the governor concluded.
The governor said he will ask neighboring states to follow in California’s footsteps.
Posted in Politics, Top Stories
Posted on 26 March 2013.
After being rejected by the Smithsonian, Monica Lewinsky announced today that she will be selling her famous, blue, semen-stained dress at auction.
Southeby’s, Inc., which will be handling the sale, predicts the historic dress should fetch up to $10 million or more at auction.
» Discuss this story on Reddit!
“This dress has priceless historical value”, said Southeby’s representative Sylvia Hardon. “This one semen stain changed the course of history! From this stain we see the dramatic impeachment of a beloved President, the country take a dramatic shift to the right and the republicans gain power! Two major wars were caused, the entire US economy was destroyed, nations felled and the United States became a demon in the eyes of the world! This dress has no less significance than the original Magna Carta or the original US Constitution!” Continue Reading
Posted in Politics
Posted on 20 March 2013.
Newly elected Pope Francis announced today that he will allow parishioners over the age of 50 the option of giving and receiving fellatio and cunnilingus to ensure “marital harmony and to enhance the sex lives of the faithful”.
Ora sex has always been forbidden by the Catholic Church as it violates the Bible’s edict to “go forth and multiply” but the new pontiff said that men and women beyond childbearing years no longer assume that burden.
“A young person can’t be fruitful and multiply if his penis is in her mouth or if his face is buried in her snatch!” the Pope declared. “But for older folks I see no reason why not”.
55 year old Daily churchgoer Anthony Cassini said, “I’ve been asking my wife for a blow job for 30 years but she kept saying, ‘no, it offends God’. Now she’ll have no excuses!”
Cassini’s wife Jessica said, “if he expects me to suck him off then he better be prepared to do some serious munching!”
Some of the younger parishioners were not as excited about the new Papal policy. “I don’t want to wait until I’m 50 before I can get a blow job”, said newly married 25 year old Michael McGinty.
The Pontiff did ask each married couple who engages in oral sex to make sure the woman has passed menopause.
The Pope said he will clarify issues regarding S&M, masturbation and the use of sex toys in the near future.
Posted in Society
Posted on 20 February 2013.
China’s military leaders admitted today that they have been hacking into American military and industrial computers since the advent of the internet.
“Of course we’ve been hacking into American computers. You hack into ours, we hack into yours. That’s what all countries do!” said Chinese Defense Minister Liang Guanglie.
Guanglie further stated that the United States cannot keep any secrets from China due to China’s advanced hacking abilities.
“Just last night we hacked into President Obama’s Skype account while he had Skype sex with Mrs. Obama. Very hot!” Guanglie stated. “And she look very good in leather bustier and stockings!”
Other sources stated that the Chinese government has hacked into every American industry including aerospace, defense, telecommunications, aviation, robotics and all types of manufacturing. They have even hacked into the lucrative American porn industry.
“We make more money off porn that we do off all that military stuff”, said Chinese Premier Wen Jiabo.
Jiabo said that the Chinese government knows as much or more about Americans than the US government.
“We have files on all American citizens. We know when you are sleeping. We know when you’re awake. We know if you’ve been bad or good”, Jiabo concluded.
Posted in Top Stories, World News
Posted on 18 February 2013.
NASA scientists have revealed that the recent meteor explosion in Russia, the flyby of asteroid 212 DA 124, the strange meteor shower over Florida and the mysterious fireball spotted over southern California are simply precursors of the devastation yet to come.
“Essentially”, said NASA spokesperson Jennifer Conspire, “we are advising people to enjoy their lives now because Armageddon is coming!”
Conspire stated that the end of the world is coming and there is little that can be done about it.
“Eat fatty food, drink, get laid, smoke, take a trip around the world on credit or do any hair brained things you can think of because it all won’t matter in a few months”, Conspire declared. “Unless you’re one of those religious people who believe in karma or something”.
NASA administrator Charles Bolden refuted Conspire’s clams. “There’s a few meteors headed our way but everything is going to be just swell! Don’t listen to that crazy lady! I’m going to fire her!”
Later that day Bolden was seen cashing in all his stocks and booking a flight to Aruba.
NASA scientist Joel McKenzie agreed with Conspire’s declaration. “Some of them we can see coming whereas others we can’t. In any case, we don’t have enough nuclear weapons to destroy them all or even divert them. We’re doomed!”
16 year old Jake Mulligan and his 15 year old girlfriend Jenny Stratalucci are planning on having sex this weekend to make sure they are not virgins when the end times come.
Chicago businessman Peter Manklevitch says he is going to spend all his money on prostitutes and beer this weekend. “I sure as hell hope this ain’t just a rumor”, he stated.
Posted in Environment, Science & Technologizzy