New York Attorney Tony Girbaldi has filed a class action suite against State Farm Insurance for claiming that reciting their company jingle would bring an instant representative followed by mystic gain and benefits.

State Farm customer Sheila Potekin said her car was attacked by a herd of wild yaks while at a nature preserve and no one responded when she recited the jingle.

“The ad I saw recently showed a couple of guys in a similar situation and a representative appeared and zapped them into his office. My car was destroyed and I had to be rescued by park personnel who were not affiliated with State Farm”, she stated.

Another State Farm customer Irving Pelter said he was driving recklessly around a hairpin turn. As he saw his vehicle going out of control he confidently sang, “Like a good neighbor State Farm is there”. Instead of a representative appearing, Pelter’s car continued it’s precipitous plunge resulting in severe injuries.

“I even sang the jingle after I crashed”, Pelter lamented. “Nothing. No representative. No magical event. Nothing like the commercials”.

Pelter said he did manage to reach a representative but had to wait until he was on the phone in the hospital. When asked why he didn’t appear at his moment of need the representative simply said that is an ad gimmick and not to be taken literally.

“Then they raised my premium because of the accident. It just ain’t fair”, Pelter continued.

Most State Farm employees refused to be interviewed because of the pending litigation but one employee did speak on condition of anonymity. “It’s just a totally stupid commercial. And unless you’re buying wrong we won’t even save you any money!” she claimed.

Attorney Girbaldi claims he is seeking $1.2 billion to cover all the people who have State Farm yet have not benefited from the jingle.

In an effort to cut down on arson and cigarette smoking, the California legislature unanimously approved a measure to ban the use, sale and/or distribution of “lighters, matches and other forms of portable incendiary devices”.

“Cigarettes and flammable tobacco products unto themselves are not dangerous”, said Governor Jerry Brown. “It’s the act of smoking them that’s dangerous”.

Brown also stated that most arson cases are caused by the use of matches, lighters and other types of portable incendiary devices.

Brown pointed out that if matches and lighters were banned people would be living longer, healthier lives, arson could be prevented and the state would save billions of dollars in insurance costs.

“And we will prevent the accidental explosions of backyard grills and exposed barbecue pits”, the governor continued. “We will make exception for large, self-igniting gas stoves”.

Critics of the new law indicate that items such as magnifying glasses, flint stones and dry sticks were not included in the ban. The governor stated, “Magnifying glasses would deprive the elderly of the ability to read and we cannot enforce the restriction of items that are commonly found in wooded areas”.

The governor pointed out that magnifying glasses would be worthless on cloudy days and a person would have to have the patience of a saint to start a fire with sticks or stones.

“I see no reason why any good citizen should have access to fire”, the governor concluded.

The governor said he will ask neighboring states to follow in California’s footsteps.

After being rejected by the Smithsonian, Monica Lewinsky announced today that she will be selling her famous, blue, semen-stained dress at auction.

Southeby’s, Inc., which will be handling the sale, predicts the historic dress should fetch up to $10 million or more at auction.

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“This dress has priceless historical value”, said Southeby’s representative Sylvia Hardon. “This one semen stain changed the course of history! From this stain we see the dramatic impeachment of a beloved President, the country take a dramatic shift to the right and the republicans gain power! Two major wars were caused, the entire US economy was destroyed, nations felled and the United States became a demon in the eyes of the world! This dress has no less significance than the original Magna Carta or the original US Constitution!” Continue Reading

Newly elected Pope Francis announced today that he will allow parishioners over the age of 50 the option of giving and receiving fellatio and cunnilingus to ensure “marital harmony and to enhance the sex lives of the faithful”.

Ora sex has always been forbidden by the Catholic Church as it violates the Bible’s edict to “go forth and multiply” but the new pontiff said that men and women beyond childbearing years no longer assume that burden.

“A young person can’t be fruitful and multiply if his penis is in her mouth or if his face is buried in her snatch!” the Pope declared. “But for older folks I see no reason why not”.

55 year old Daily churchgoer Anthony Cassini said, “I’ve been asking my wife for a blow job for 30 years but she kept saying, ‘no, it offends God’. Now she’ll have no excuses!”

Cassini’s wife Jessica said, “if he expects me to suck him off then he better be prepared to do some serious munching!”

Some of the younger parishioners were not as excited about the new Papal policy. “I don’t want to wait until I’m 50 before I can get a blow job”, said newly married 25 year old Michael McGinty.

The Pontiff did ask each married couple who engages in oral sex to make sure the woman has passed menopause.

The Pope said he will clarify issues regarding S&M, masturbation and the use of sex toys in the near future.

China’s military leaders admitted today that they have been hacking into American military and industrial computers since the advent of the internet.

“Of course we’ve been hacking into American computers. You hack into ours, we hack into yours. That’s what all countries do!” said Chinese Defense Minister Liang Guanglie.

Guanglie further stated that the United States cannot keep any secrets from China due to China’s advanced hacking abilities.

“Just last night we hacked into President Obama’s Skype account while he had Skype sex with Mrs. Obama. Very hot!” Guanglie stated. “And she look very good in leather bustier and stockings!”

Other sources stated that the Chinese government has hacked into every American industry including aerospace, defense, telecommunications, aviation, robotics and all types of manufacturing. They have even hacked into the lucrative American porn industry.

“We make more money off porn that we do off all that military stuff”, said Chinese Premier Wen Jiabo.

Jiabo said that the Chinese government knows as much or more about Americans than the US government.

“We have files on all American citizens. We know when you are sleeping. We know when you’re awake. We know if you’ve been bad or good”, Jiabo concluded.

NASA scientists have revealed that the recent meteor explosion in Russia, the flyby of asteroid 212 DA 124, the strange meteor shower over Florida and the mysterious fireball spotted over southern California are simply precursors of the devastation yet to come.

“Essentially”, said NASA spokesperson Jennifer Conspire, “we are advising people to enjoy their lives now because Armageddon is coming!”

Conspire stated that the end of the world is coming and there is little that can be done about it.

“Eat fatty food, drink, get laid, smoke, take a trip around the world on credit or do any hair brained things you can think of because it all won’t matter in a few months”, Conspire declared. “Unless you’re one of those religious people who believe in karma or something”.

NASA administrator Charles Bolden refuted Conspire’s clams. “There’s a few meteors headed our way but everything is going to be just swell! Don’t listen to that crazy lady! I’m going to fire her!”

Later that day Bolden was seen cashing in all his stocks and booking a flight to Aruba.

NASA scientist Joel McKenzie agreed with Conspire’s declaration. “Some of them we can see coming whereas others we can’t. In any case, we don’t have enough nuclear weapons to destroy them all or even divert them. We’re doomed!”

16 year old Jake Mulligan and his 15 year old girlfriend Jenny Stratalucci are planning on having sex this weekend to make sure they are not virgins when the end times come.

Chicago businessman Peter Manklevitch says he is going to spend all his money on prostitutes and beer this weekend. “I sure as hell hope this ain’t just a rumor”, he stated.

In order to address a growing shortage of doctors predicted under the Obamacare program, medical schools across the country have announced that they will be lowering their standards for incoming med students.

“We used to accept only the best and the brightest”, said Harvard Medical School Dean Jeffrey Flier, MD. “Now we are forced to accept anyone with a high school GPA of 1.0 or higher”.

Flier said the Obamacare program is preventing doctors from making a decent living and the smartest students have been choosing more lucrative majors.

“Malpractice insurance alone is over $350,000 a year for most physicians”, Flier explained. “Office prices are going through the roof. Working conditions have become intolerable. Not to mention the skyrocketing cost of new technologies. It’s almost impossible for a doctor to make a living anymore. You would have to be a moron to become a doctor these days. So we have started accepting morons”.

Justin Perve, a high school senior, thought his career choices would not extend past mowing lawns and raking leaves but was overjoyed to hear he had just been accepted to Harvard Medical School.

“Oh boy!” Perve exclaimed. “I’m gonna be a frickin doctor! If this don’t work out I can still mow lawns on the side!”

Other medical schools expressed displeasure at having to ‘dumb down’ their requirements but said they had no choice.

Yale School of Medicine Dean Robert Alpern said, “in this current academic climate we have no choice but to forgo the best and best and the brightest and accept the scum of the Earth.

Alpern also stated that current testing requirements which include bedside manner and examination techniques will no longer be required. And students will not be required to maintain anything higher than a D average. And the tests will be modified to enable the less-intelligent students to pass. And cheating will be allowed.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures”, said Tufts Medical School spokesperson Amelia Aierhead.

Experts examining a recent photo of Justin Bieber smoking marijuana fear that the youthful pop star may soon graduate to harder drugs such as heroin and methamphetamines.

“Pot is a gateway drug to harder substances”, said Los Angeles youth counselor Sister Mary Francis Hardon. “And it will make him want to have sex! Can you imagine that young man having sex with all those disgusting, youthful girls who shove their breasts and vaginas into his face! It’s appalling!” Continue Reading

Contrary to published reports, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton did not suffer digestive difficulties followed by a fainting spell followed by a blood clot but was actually poisoned by unnamed Palestinian militant terrorists.

“We knew most people weren’t falling for that blood clot story”, said an unknown, anonymous source who asked not to be named. “Let’s just say she’s doing okay considering how much poison she ingested”.

Official White House sources were keeping hush on Clinton’s condition but stood by their story that Clinton was suffering a blood clot brought on by a fainting spell.

“She fainted and got a blood clot. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “There were no Palestinian terrorists or secret sources that infiltrated our government because we’re too smart for that!”

The source stated that foreign governments wanted to do Clinton in before the end of her term to send a message to the United States government that they didn’t want a woman deciding foreign policy.

“She should be at home, tending to her husbands needs, doing the dishes and spending time with her family. Not running all over the world telling grown Palestinian men what to do!” said an alleged terrorist who asked not be named.

Clinton refused to discuss the matter thus fueling even more speculation about her declining health.

It’s finally time to get off the treadmill and stuff down some pork sausage as researchers have determined that people who have at least 30% body fat live longer, healthier lives than their active, slim counterparts.

“Fat people tend to live longer and enjoy life more than thin people”, said Katherine Flegal, epidemiologist with the Center for Disease Control and Prevention as she munched on a bag of M&Ms. “We recommend that people ‘pork up’ to be healthy!”

Previous research suggested that active people with a body mass index (BMI) between 18% and 25% were the healthiest but new research finds a BMI between 25% and 34% to be the healthiest.

McDonald’s Restaurant is taking advantage of the new findings by declaring Big Macs as ‘health food’ and encourages its patrons to drink more sugary soft drinks.

“We want out thinnest patrons to become healthy”, said McDonald’s spokesperson Sheila Gross. “We will be providing more high-calorie, healthy choices such as boneless rib sandwiches to bring people up to a healthy body mass index”.

Researchers say they are uncertain as to why fat people are healthier than thin people but suggest it may be because fat people enjoy life more.

A study of 1,000 centenarians suggests that so-called ‘healthy’ lifestyle choices have nothing to do with longevity and may actually be causing people to die young.

“I’ve been sitting on my ass, smoking cigarettes and eating shit for my whole life and I feel terrific!” said 103 year old Jennifer Petant.

As fiscal cliff negotiations stalled, Republican House Speaker John Boehner and Democratic President Barack Obama romantically declared that they would tumble over the fiscal cliff together “arm in arm”.

“I truly love that man”, Boehner said in reference to Obama. “I would gladly sacrifice myself and my political future for him”.

Obama was equally smitten with the Ohio congressman. “John and I have been through some tough times. But our love for each other has sustained us until now” Obama said as he glanced at a vase full of red roses provided by his former rival.

The two politicians seemed to constantly be at odds with each other and their romantic relationship caught many by surprise.

“I always thought Boehner was just some douche bag republican”, said New York sanitation worker Peter Gibbs. “Now I find out he’s got a soft, romantic heart!”

“I looked at Obama as being a real jerk”, said Mississippi stockbroker Jules Crabtree. “Now I think he’s a decent human being”.

Both Boehner and Obama said the fiscal cliff is not about the American people anymore but about two people’s undying love for each other.

“After we both go off the fiscal cliff America will be much better off”, a teary eyed Obama stated.

The United States Supreme Court unanimously declared today that the First Amendment to the Bill of Rights is to be nullified as it no longer has any meaning in today’s society.

The First Amendment reads: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Glover Roberts, Jr stated, “the first amendment was relevant for 200 years but today with technology and terrorism it needs to be laid aside”.

Roberts stated that The United States is a Christian country and from now on other religions and philosophies will no longer be tolerated.

“You can still have freedom of religion so long as it’s a Christian religion”, Roberts stated.

“Freedom of speech is fine so long as you don’t say anything un-American or anything that will upset anyone or piss anyone off”, he continued.

Roberts pointed out that the press and media publications took too much advantage of their freedom and they will now have to be stifled. “We now have reporters who hide their sources, slanderous articles written about our government and military, celebrities who show off their breasts and vaginal areas and a host of things being printed in the name of ‘free speech’ that have no place in a free country. And you must reveal your sources. Otherwise we will send you to prison!”.

“As far as peacefully assembling, forget it,” Roberts determined. “Police will now ask people to move along or go to jail!”

Roberts said ‘petitioning’ is no longer needed. “We don’t need people putting things on the ballot. That’s why we have a legislature. And I’m sick of petitioners at grocery stores asking me to sign to legalize marijuana or legalize public urination or some other silly thing!”

Roberts said petitioners will still be allowed to petition but will no longer be allowed to do so in public places, on federal or state land or in private. Some universities, such as Los Angeles Pierce College, have established small ‘free speech zones’ though the new ruling will even shut those down.

The justices will decide which of the remaining 9 amendments to the Bill of Rights will also be nullified.

Former GOP Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney took out a classified ad today in the Wall Street Journal seeking a new friend to “pal around with.”

“I have everything money can buy,” Romney said in an interview, “but I have never really taken the time to buy myself a good friend that I can just hang out with, watch the game with and just, you know, do friend things with.”

The classified ad states that the friend must have at least a graduate degree in either political science or economics, be financially secure, Mormon and married with at least two children. Continue Reading

GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that, if elected, he promises to fulfill the Bible’s promise of Armageddon and allow all faithful Mormon practitioners to achieve Rapture.

“The time for Armageddon is nigh!” Romney stated to some of his followers. “I shall lead the Mormon people to Rapture as is promised in the Bible!”

Romney claims that he is the chosen one to lead the wealthy Mormon people to the promised land and the poor, uneducated non-Mormon citizens to hell.

“Everything in the Mormon scriptures and the Bible tell me I’m the one to lead the end times”, a smiling Romney stated as he glanced at himself in a mirror. “My life is so important and so wonderful, I can’t tell you!”

Some people interviewed expressed reservations about Romney’s declaration. “That guy scares the shit out of me!” said New York bartender Sal Jennings. “I don’t want some fruitcake who believes in Armageddon to have his finger on the nuclear trigger!”

“He’s a bartender”, Romney said in reference to Jennings’ statement. “Are you going to trust a bartender or a wealthy, highly successful former governor and businessman?”

Some Republicans said they were going to convert to Mormonism in advance of Romney’s election. “I want to be one of the ones saved!” said Arizona security consultant Stan Beecher. “I was Jewish but now I’m gonna be a Mormon and I’m gonna feel the Rapture! I can hardly wait!”

Mormon church leader Hal Oaks simply said, “I wish Romney would shut the fuck up!”

Obesity researchers at John Hopkins University claim they have discovered a causal link between childhood obesity and the consumption of excess calories.

“We won’t know for certain until all the data is in”, said lead researcher John Pell. “But our data shows that children who ingest several sugary soft drinks, candy bars, chips and other high caloric foods every day tend to be heavier than children who eat less!”

University of Tennessee obesity specialist Clarence Gross disagreed with Pell’s findings. “Caloric consumption has very little to do with obesity”, Gross stated. “Obesity is caused by lack of sleep and PCBs in plastics which create a metabolic disorder!”

Pell said his research started with his own 10 year old son who tended to sit on the sofa, eat candy and drink soft drinks and play video games. When Pell noticed his son getting fat he suspended his son’s candy and video game privileges and told him to “get off your ass and go outside and play”. Following his father’s advise, the boy became thinner, more energetic, more social and happier. Pell extended his research to 3,789 other overweight and obese youth and found a similar result.

“Certainly this does not prove anything”, Pell admitted. “But it does require further study!”

GOP Presidential candidate and devout Mormon Mitt Romney admitted today that he ‘experimented’ once with masturbation when he was in college.

“It was a stupid youthful experimentation”, Romney explained. “I’m not proud of it, I didn’t ejaculate, I didn’t enjoy it and I would never do it again”.

The Mormon church expressly prohibits the ‘wonton spilling of one’s seed’ and forbids any type of orgasm before marriage, according to religious sources. Romney spent several years in Europe as a Mormon missionary before entering the business world.

Romney explained that during his time at Stanford University in 1965 he frequently came in contact with attractive women but most times managed to control his urge to masturbate.

“There was just one time I caught a peek under Sharon Miller’s skirt and this stimulated me. “I only stroked a few times but stopped when I considered the wrath of God”, Romney told Glossynews.

News officials are attempting to locate Ms Miller for comment.

Romney said despite his youthful indiscretion he urges young people not to masturbate and to simply wait for marriage before achieving orgasm.

“Orgasms are for producing offspring”, Romney continued. “I have five children. I have had five orgasms”.

Romney’s son Tagg said his father would sometimes embarrass when he was little him by asking, “how’s my little orgasm doing today?”

Mormon church officials claim Romney violated one of the sacred tenants of the church by masturbating but this one indiscretion alone should not qualify him for excommunication.

“But we might excommunicate him just for being such a dumb ass!” the official stated.