Government Chemtrail Program Deemed a Success

Government Chemtrail Program Deemed a Success

US Government officials declared today that their government sponsored Chemtrail program, which is designed to make people more submissive to government authority, is a total success.

“People are more submissive now than at any time in history”, proudly declared US Defense Secretary Ashton Carter. “Voter turnout is down to 38%, fewer people are signing petitions or staging demonstrations and apathy reigns throughout the country! Our Chemtrail program has been a resounding success!”

Carter stated that the chemtrails contain aluminum nanoparticles and other chemicals that interact with the human brain causing people to be more submissive, more apathetic and generate an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. This will be helpful to military authorities when martial law is declared.

“On the downside we are seeing more people with Alzheimer’s, cognitive dysfunction, Parkinson’s, ALS and other diseases. But for the sake of a free and happy America it’s worth it!” Carter stated.

Carter stated that Operation Jade Helm 15 is being carried out in Texas and other states to little resistance. Jade Helm 15 is the largest domestic military training “exercise” in United States history.

Joint Chief of Staff Chairman General Martin Dempsey praised the program. “Back in the 60s we had people smoking dope, having sex and protesting the war in Vietnam. With the chemtrail program we see none of that. We can carry out our formerly covert activities in the open and nobody gives a shit!”

Most people interviewed seemed to care little about the chemtrail program. “Yeah, no big whoop”, said NYC stockbroker Josh Carbonetti.

“I got better things to worry about”, said Brooklyn physics professor Peter Gruber.

“Does my hair look okay?” asked LA consultant Sheila Weinberg.

There is much more to this story but I have lost interest in writing any more.

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

Driverless Car Impounded for DUI

Driverless Car Impounded for DUI

One of the Google driverless cars has been pulled over and impounded for driving under the influence of ethanol, according to California Highway Patrol officers.

“The car was speeding down the 5 Freeway at 30 miles over the speed limit and driving in and out of lanes”, said CHP officer Joel Braggin. “When I opened the gas compartment door I could smell the alcohol”.

Peter Innocente, a passenger in the vehicle, was shocked at how the car was behaving. “It wouldn’t let me take the wheel”, a still shaken Innocente declared. “I’m lucky to be alive! I’m gald those cops came when they did!”

Like humans, self-driving cars are required to have no more than .08 alcohol in their systems. Innocente’s vehicle measured a .34. Over 4 times the legal limit.

“I plan on suing the gas station that served him that mixture”, Innocente told Glossy News. “I want to make sure no one else has to deal with this!”

The car has been impounded for a minimum of 30 days and wil lose its registration for at least 5 years. The car itself was unavailable for comment.

“I”m going to get me an old VW Bug and keep it sober!” Innocente declared.

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Mitt Romney Admits He’s a ‘Douche-bag’

Mitt Romney Admits He’s a ‘Douche-bag’

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney dropped out of the Presidential race yesterday stating that he was not qualified for the job.

“I’m a douche-bag”, Romney. “I don’t know what’s going on with the American people. You don’t want a loser like me for president”.

Romney admitted that his comfortable, wealthy lifestyle and wanton disregard for the poor and underprivileged have made him a poor candidate for the nations highest post.

“I admit I would be a pretty good commander in chief though”, Romney continued. “I wouldn’t mind sending young men into war or wantonly killing scores of innocent people. That would actually give me a tickle”.

Many other Republicans expressed relief that Romney has dropped out of the race. Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee said in reference to Romney, “he’s not God fearing enough. He’d lead us into war but I doubt he would push the nuclear trigger! That’s what I’ll do when I’m president. In the name of God and country!”

New Jersey governor Chris Christie claims he just doesn’t like Romney. “He’s a f(ricking) loser! At least now he’s admitting he’s a douche bag! Not like me! I’m a fat, obnoxious regular American! Like all of you!”

Most people interviewed agreed that Romney would suck as president and they would not vote for him. But they expressed the same sentiments for all the republican candidates. And democrats.

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Japanese Encouraged to Get Laid More

Japanese Encouraged to Get Laid More

Faced with a declining birth rate and an ever growing elderly population, Japanese citizens are being encouraged to have more sex.

“Japanese men and women seemed to have lost interest in sex!” said prominent Japanese legislative leader Seiko Noda. “We need to stimulate the people’s interest in sex before the whole country disappears!”

Noda proposes a government sponsored “get laid now” campaign to stimulate the libido of Japanese citizens. Under the proposal, citizens will be provided with erotic literature, sexy lingerie, lubricating lotions, edible panties, fishnet stocking and bondage equipment such as whips and chains.

“We will not provide condoms or French Ticklers because that would defeat the whole purpose!” Noda explained.

In a recent survey 38% of Japanese men and 39% of Japanese women between the ages of 18 and 34 admit they have never had sex at all.

“I’ve had a couple of blow jobs”, said 28 year old Shinjo Ichikawa. “But I have never put my dick in a vagina”.

Experts claim that Japanese women simply aren’t interested in the tiny penises Japanese men have in relation to white or black men.

“I just like to play with myself”, said 24 year old Akiko Shonokane. “I have a career. I don’t have time for little Japanese penises. And it’s so hard to find a gaijin (foreigner)”.

“We may have to open our doors to foreigners in order to interest more women in sex’, said Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.

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Posted in World News0 Comments

Hillary Clinton Latest in Nude Celebrity Photo Scandal

Hillary Clinton Latest in Nude Celebrity Photo Scandal

Aspiring Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appears to be the latest notable figure involved in the nude celebrity photo leak scandal, according to traumatized sources who have seen the photos.

“I can’t believe I saw those pictures!” said TMZ spokesperson Alicia Hartless. “I may have to spend a few years in therapy just to wipe those images from my mind!”

Some people who saw the pictures were not offended at all. “I think she’s pretty hot”, said Los Angeles car salesman Andrew Spigelman. “But, then again, I think iguanas are pretty hot”.

Clinton was very upset when she heard that her cell phone pictures had been hacked. “Those ‘naughty nighty’ and ‘secret masturbation’ pictures were only supposed to be between me and Bill!” she said excitedly. “When I become President the first thing I’ll do is find the people who hacked me and shackle them for the rest of their lives!”

RNC Press Secretary Kristen Kukowski downplayed the nude photos. “We’re not talking about pictures of Kim Kardashian or Hope Solo here. Those are people we WANT to see naked”.

Glossy News refused to post any of the nude photos of the former First Lady because some people reading this may be having lunch.

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Posted in Politics3 Comments

Satire Writer Reveals How to Get the Most From Your $100 Hotel Stay

Satire Writer Reveals How to Get the Most From Your $100 Hotel Stay

With hotel prices rising and personal income dropping, satire writer NickFun has revealed some clever ways to get the most ‘bang for your buck’ from your hotel stay.

“It’s actually pretty easy to get back or even make money from your hotel visit”, Fun stated. Just follow a few simple tricks!”

Among Fun’s money saving tips are:

1) Breakfast. Many hotels offer an unlimited buffet-style breakfast. Gorge yourself on as much as you can. And drink at least 6 cups of coffee. An equivalent breakfast at a restaurant will cost you at least $20.00.
2) Take the towels. Most hotels have more than enough towels and they will never miss the ones you take.
3) The same goes for sheets and pillow cases.
4) Take the lamps. If the lamps are free standing then by all means, take them!
5) Take the TV! This may be a little tricky as the TVs are usually mounted into the wall. However, a good socket wrench kit should do the trick! They got the TVs in the wall. You can get them out!

Fun pointed out that there may be other items in some of the fancier hotels that may also be worth taking such as the microwave and refrigerator. Cheap hotel chairs are not usually a good item unless they’re leather.

“I recommend you use some sort of false identification to avoid having the items traced back to you. And make sure you disable the security cameras before doing anything with your items!” Fun stated.

Fun showed pawn shop receipts indicating he actually made over $600 on his last hotel room stay.

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Posted in Biz News3 Comments

This Old Man Arrested On Ten Counts of Child Molestation

This Old Man Arrested On Ten Counts of Child Molestation

72 year old Gunther Schnell was arrested this afternoon for 10 counts of child sexual molestation after it was revealed he was performing “knick knack” on various parts of children’s bodies.

“Currently we have ten victims”, said arresting officer John Schmidt. “It would appear Mr. Schnell performed this atrocity on everything from a little girls thumb to the sexual organs of both boys and girls”.

It would appear Schnell kept the children quiet by threatening to “paddy whack” them if they told their parents. He even kept his dog quiet by giving him a bone after the dog witnessed each encounter.

The first victim, a 5 year old gitrl, said Schnell said he played knick knack for several hours on her thumb.

Schell’s fifth victim revealed he played “knick knack on her hive” which would indicate her vagina.

The sixth victim was a little boy who stated that Schnell played “knick knack on my stick”, indicating his penis.

Law enforcement authorities say Schnell may be facing up to 30 years behind bars which, given his age, will probably mean life.

“If he gets out of prison alive we can rest assured this old man will be in a wheelchair and come rolling home!” said officer Schmidt.

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Posted in Human Interest5 Comments

New California Law Requires College Student to Have Written Consent Before Sex

New California Law Requires College Student to Have Written Consent Before Sex

A new California law requires that before engaging in any type of sexual encounter, college students must first sign a legal document to authorize the act or acts to take place and must be witnessed by at least one uninvolved party.

Supporters of the new law claim this will cut down or eliminate ‘date rape’ and spurious sexual assault claims. Opponents state that this will stop young people from engaging in sex entirely.

“My girl and I went out a couple of nights ago and we started French kissing”, said USC student Marty Levin. “But when we got back to my dorm room we had to fill out all this paperwork, find a witness then have the guy watch over us! By the time we were done with the paperwork neither of us was horny anymore!”

“There are more important things in life than being horny and having sex and orgasms”, said Santa Barbara Based Antioch University President Dr. Nancy Leper. “Go to college, establish yourselves with a career and find yourself a suitable spouse who you plan to remain with forever. Then, in order to produce offspring, you can think about having orgasms”.

College senior Sharon Stratalucci agrees with the new law. “I like sex but I don’t want to put his penis in my mouth! My agreement will stipulate no fellatio, no funny positions and plenty of breast sucking and cunnilingus. Wow! This makes me feel powerful!”

“I can deal with it”, said graduate student Jake Halper. “I have lots of documents in my car and a witness who will be there at a moments notice!”

UCLA Freshman Rob Rogers summed it up nicely. “This is so fucking stupid!”

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Former First Lady Hilary Clinton Admits She and Bill Were Homeless After the White House

Former First Lady Hilary Clinton Admits She and Bill Were Homeless After the White House

In a shocking revelation, former First Ladt Hilary Clinton admits she and her husband were ‘homeless’ after leaving the White House.

“We were trying to squeak by on Bill’s pension while trying to pay for Chelsea’s education and we just couldn’t handle it!” Clinton confided. “We found ourselves living on the street!”

Finally the pair managed to convince one of their bodyguards to put them up in his guest room for a few weeks while they got back on their feet. When Ms. Clinton got her first speaking engagement for $200,000 they managed to find a small place.

“We spent all our money on legal fees for Bill and defending ourselves from Whitewater”, Hillary continued. Not to mention how much money we spent paying people to keep their big mouths shut!”

Hillary says they can now empathize with homeless people and their families as they have ‘been there and done that’.

“You really don’t understand the situation until you have eaten from a trash can yourself”, she stated. “And park benches and under bridges are not very comfortable”.

The Clintons now claim assets of over $200 million including two multimillion dollar homes and feel more comfortable than they have in years. “The extra money helps keep the wolf from our door” she said.

Hillary would not disclose how they accumulated such vast reserves on wealth in such a short time except to say, “let’s say it’s time for people to pay US to keep our mouths shut!”

“Now we keep our dumpster filled with fresh fruit and vegetables so other homeless people can have a good meal”, she said with a smile.

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John Kerry Threatens to Beat the Shit Out Of Edward Snowden

John Kerry Threatens to Beat the Shit Out Of Edward Snowden

US Secretary of State John Kerry asked government whistleblower Edward Snowden to return to the US so he can “personally beat the shit out of him”.

“I’m sick of that little pansy ass spilling all our government secrets!” an enraged Kerry declared. “I want him to com back here so I can beat the shit out of him. I want to smack him in the nose and spread his analyst guts all over!”

Kerr claims that Snowden’s revelation of NSA snooping has permanently damaged the United States, caused hundreds of billions of dollars in damages, created international tension, increased the national debt and may bring on World War 3.

“If we had simply kept our secrets as secrets then no one would have known and everything would be OK!” Kerry continued. “But this Snowden had to open his big fat mouth and show everyone our fucking documents so now the US looks like a bunch of assholes!”

Snowden has insisted all along that what he did was good for the country and said that if Kerry came after him he would “whip his ass”.

“Kerry is a loud mouthed old fart”, Snowden stated. “I’ll box his ears, punch him in the face then kick him in the nuts! Tell him to come to Russia and we’ll duke it out!”

Kerry said he would travel to Russia when time permits but he is currently busy with Benghazi and other affairs.

“I told you he was a wienie!” Snowden stated.

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Posted in Politics1 Comment

Search for Missing Malaysian Jetliner Extends to Blue Ball, PA

Search for Missing Malaysian Jetliner Extends to Blue Ball, PA

Searchers from 26 countries have now focused their attention on the search for missing Malaysian Airlines flight 370 on the tiny, unincorporated town of Blue Ball, PA.

“We had a mysterious radar blip over Blue Ball”, said US Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “We think that might be the missing jetliner! It’s a bit of a long shot but at this point we can’t rule out anything!”

Hagel said the jetliner may have landed somewhere, refueled, then headed out over Blue Ball although this, like all reports on the missing plane, cannot be verified.

Major John E Stevens of the PA Air National Guard was verbally reprimanded for not disclosing the existence of the radar information sooner. “I didn’t know it might have something do with the missing airliner!” Stevens protested. “I thought it was just a flock of geese!”

Other military commanders throughout the world are checking their own blips on their radar screens to see if they might be the missing jetliner.

“We are also looking at the possibility of UFOs” Hagel continued. “Though the Blue Ball theory seems more likely, at least at this point. We just want to make some fucking sense out of this whole fucking thing! A fucking 777 can’t just vanish like a fart in the wind! Do you want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!!!”

Hagel excused himself at this point to take his medication.

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Posted in World News3 Comments

Racing Legend Speed Racer Dead at 63

Racing Legend Speed Racer Dead at 63

Former racing legend Speed Racer was found dead in his rented mobile home this afternoon by his ex-wife Trixie Racer. It would appear Speed had been dead at least a month.

No cause of death was given until an autopsy can be performed, but Racer was known to have had issues with drugs and alcohol for many years.

“I wish I had known Speed was so depressed, because I might have been able to save him,” said Trixie before quickly adding, “not that I would have!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip2 Comments

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