Posted on 22 June 2014.
A new California law requires that before engaging in any type of sexual encounter, college students must first sign a legal document to authorize the act or acts to take place and must be witnessed by at least one uninvolved party.
Supporters of the new law claim this will cut down or eliminate ‘date rape’ and spurious sexual assault claims. Opponents state that this will stop young people from engaging in sex entirely.
“My girl and I went out a couple of nights ago and we started French kissing”, said USC student Marty Levin. “But when we got back to my dorm room we had to fill out all this paperwork, find a witness then have the guy watch over us! By the time we were done with the paperwork neither of us was horny anymore!”
“There are more important things in life than being horny and having sex and orgasms”, said Santa Barbara Based Antioch University President Dr. Nancy Leper. “Go to college, establish yourselves with a career and find yourself a suitable spouse who you plan to remain with forever. Then, in order to produce offspring, you can think about having orgasms”.
College senior Sharon Stratalucci agrees with the new law. “I like sex but I don’t want to put his penis in my mouth! My agreement will stipulate no fellatio, no funny positions and plenty of breast sucking and cunnilingus. Wow! This makes me feel powerful!”
“I can deal with it”, said graduate student Jake Halper. “I have lots of documents in my car and a witness who will be there at a moments notice!”
UCLA Freshman Rob Rogers summed it up nicely. “This is so fucking stupid!”
Posted in Politics
Posted on 09 June 2014.
In a shocking revelation, former First Ladt Hilary Clinton admits she and her husband were ‘homeless’ after leaving the White House.
“We were trying to squeak by on Bill’s pension while trying to pay for Chelsea’s education and we just couldn’t handle it!” Clinton confided. “We found ourselves living on the street!”
Finally the pair managed to convince one of their bodyguards to put them up in his guest room for a few weeks while they got back on their feet. When Ms. Clinton got her first speaking engagement for $200,000 they managed to find a small place.
“We spent all our money on legal fees for Bill and defending ourselves from Whitewater”, Hillary continued. Not to mention how much money we spent paying people to keep their big mouths shut!”
Hillary says they can now empathize with homeless people and their families as they have ‘been there and done that’.
“You really don’t understand the situation until you have eaten from a trash can yourself”, she stated. “And park benches and under bridges are not very comfortable”.
The Clintons now claim assets of over $200 million including two multimillion dollar homes and feel more comfortable than they have in years. “The extra money helps keep the wolf from our door” she said.
Hillary would not disclose how they accumulated such vast reserves on wealth in such a short time except to say, “let’s say it’s time for people to pay US to keep our mouths shut!”
“Now we keep our dumpster filled with fresh fruit and vegetables so other homeless people can have a good meal”, she said with a smile.
Posted in Politics
Posted on 29 May 2014.
US Secretary of State John Kerry asked government whistleblower Edward Snowden to return to the US so he can “personally beat the shit out of him”.
“I’m sick of that little pansy ass spilling all our government secrets!” an enraged Kerry declared. “I want him to com back here so I can beat the shit out of him. I want to smack him in the nose and spread his analyst guts all over!”
Kerr claims that Snowden’s revelation of NSA snooping has permanently damaged the United States, caused hundreds of billions of dollars in damages, created international tension, increased the national debt and may bring on World War 3.
“If we had simply kept our secrets as secrets then no one would have known and everything would be OK!” Kerry continued. “But this Snowden had to open his big fat mouth and show everyone our fucking documents so now the US looks like a bunch of assholes!”
Snowden has insisted all along that what he did was good for the country and said that if Kerry came after him he would “whip his ass”.
“Kerry is a loud mouthed old fart”, Snowden stated. “I’ll box his ears, punch him in the face then kick him in the nuts! Tell him to come to Russia and we’ll duke it out!”
Kerry said he would travel to Russia when time permits but he is currently busy with Benghazi and other affairs.
“I told you he was a wienie!” Snowden stated.
Posted in Politics
Posted on 18 March 2014.
Searchers from 26 countries have now focused their attention on the search for missing Malaysian Airlines flight 370 on the tiny, unincorporated town of Blue Ball, PA.
“We had a mysterious radar blip over Blue Ball”, said US Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “We think that might be the missing jetliner! It’s a bit of a long shot but at this point we can’t rule out anything!”
Hagel said the jetliner may have landed somewhere, refueled, then headed out over Blue Ball although this, like all reports on the missing plane, cannot be verified.
Major John E Stevens of the PA Air National Guard was verbally reprimanded for not disclosing the existence of the radar information sooner. “I didn’t know it might have something do with the missing airliner!” Stevens protested. “I thought it was just a flock of geese!”
Other military commanders throughout the world are checking their own blips on their radar screens to see if they might be the missing jetliner.
“We are also looking at the possibility of UFOs” Hagel continued. “Though the Blue Ball theory seems more likely, at least at this point. We just want to make some fucking sense out of this whole fucking thing! A fucking 777 can’t just vanish like a fart in the wind! Do you want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!!!”
Hagel excused himself at this point to take his medication.
Posted in World News
Posted on 09 March 2014.
Former racing legend Speed Racer was found dead in his rented mobile home this afternoon by his ex-wife Trixie Racer. It would appear Speed had been dead at least a month.
No cause of death was given until an autopsy can be performed, but Racer was known to have had issues with drugs and alcohol for many years.
“I wish I had known Speed was so depressed, because I might have been able to save him,” said Trixie before quickly adding, “not that I would have!” Continue Reading
Posted in Celebrity Gossip
Posted on 28 February 2014.
Representatives of Big Pharma revealed today that they have created a new polio-like virus and are testing it on California schoolchildren.
“We have infected about 30 California schoolchildren far”, said Big Pharma spokesperson Greg Skrewm. “We hope to have reached epidemic proportions by the end of summer”.
Skrewm explained that Big Pharma makes much of its money from viruses, virus treatments and vaccines. He claims they already have a vaccine for the new virus but won’t release it until at least 100,000 people have become infected.
“Then we will start a nationwide immunization campaign!” he stated.
“This disease is new and we haven’t worked out all bugs yet”, said Michael Lynch, VP of R&D for Big Pharma. “But have no fear! We will have the vaccine available before many of you are infected!”
Lynch explained that researchers genetically modified the old polio virus to make it resistant to every standard type of treatment then re-sequenced it.
“We need to make money for ourselves and to make our shareholders happy”, Lynch explained. “Every time we find a vaccine for a virus, that’s money coming out of our pockets. We need vaccines for new viruses to replace the old viruses”.
Big Pharma CEO Rick Cheney suggests deep pocketed investors invest now.
“I can’t give you any inside info but this is going to be big!” Cheney stated.
Posted in Top Stories
Posted on 24 February 2014.
A Texas judge threw out the Affluenza defense of a 16-year-old drunk driver today claiming the boy’s family did not make enough money to qualify for that defense.
“I am sentencing this boy to three years in prison,” said Texas State District Judge Jean Boyd.
“His parents only make $65,000 per year between them. In order to qualify for the affluenza defense parents must make over $300,000 and have a cumulative net worth exceeding $3 million including property.”
The boy’s lawyer, public defender Josh Sherman, claims that despite his family’s low income, the boy has always been pampered and allowed to do whatever he wants. Continue Reading
Posted in Crime
Posted on 17 February 2014.
The United Nations declared today that atrocities committed by North Korea Security chiefs and possibly even president Kim Jong-un are so horrendous they could be compared to how the US treats prisoners at Guantanamo, Abu Graib and other ‘secret’ prisons around the world.
“This kind of behavior does not belong in a civilized society!” declared Michael Kirby, chairman of the U.N. Commission of Inquiry.
Kirby claims that North Korean prisoners are being denied due process, starved, are frequently beaten and denied health care much like prisoners at Guantanamo.
“Other countries are supposed to do as we say, not as we do”, said Cori Crider, Guantanamo Counsel and Strategic Director.
Crider would not comment on the other ‘secret prisons’ the US has around the world simply saying “that’s not my job”
In addition, the committee expressed concern over North Korea’s growing nuclear arsenal claiming it resembles a tiny version of the US nuclear arsenal.
“Granted, they have only one ten thousandth the strength of our nuclear arsenal but we are us and they are them”, said Brigadier General Les More, an Air Force spokesman. “It comes down to US vs THEM. And US always wins!”
Posted in Top Stories
Posted on 14 February 2014.
In a desperate attempt to avoid a statewide water shortage, California governor Jerry Brown has requested that all men and women in the state pee outside in the woods, on the lawn or in a garden area.
“These are desperate times”, Brown reminded reporters. “We need to conserve water any way we can!”
Brown claims that if all 38 million residents of California follow his proposal this would save the state 832,200,000,000 gallons of fresh water a year, assuming for 3 gallon per flush and 6 pisses per day per person.
Browns other water saving proposals include:
Showering no more than once a week. And two or more people showering at a time. Assuming 20 gallons of fresh water per shower this would save the state at least 277,400,000,000 gallons per year.
Don’t wash your car. This would result in an additional savings of over 24,000,000,000 gallons per year.
In addition to the above proposals Brown urges residents to drink only bottled water that has been bottled in water rich areas such as Maine or North Dakota. This would save the state an additional 13,870,000,000 gallons per year.
Agricultural use of water to be reduced by 2/3 resulting in a yearly savings of nearly 1 trillion gallons per year.
“These would be temporary measures until the drought is over”, the governor continued. “Please don’t make me send out the National Guard to make these things mandatory!”
Posted in Politics, Society
Posted on 24 January 2014.
NASA scientists have discarded all previous theories as to how a mysterious ‘jelly donut’ rock appeared beside the Mars Rover Opportunity and now say it must have been dropped there by aliens.
“We have ruled out every other explanation”, said Cornell University astronomer Steven Squyres, the principal investigator of Mars Exploration Rover Mission. “The only remaining explanation is that someone dropped it there”.
NASA scientists have been searching for signs of past microbial life on the Red Planet but think they have found something far more intriguing. Intelligent life!
“We have known for some time that something was cleaning off the solar panels which has extended the life of the rover from a planned 90 day mission to over 10 years”, Squires continued. “We attributed it to dust storms but, in reality, aliens have been coming by with dust cloths”.
NASA had been hiding this recent revelation from public in fear that they cannot handle the truth.
“There is nothing to be afraid of!” said NASA administrator Charles Bolden. “These are peaceful creatures and they have offered us a jelly donut. In Earth terms that’s like extending an olive branch!”
Posted in Top Stories
Posted on 11 January 2014.
Twerking, gyrating, Wrecking Ball queen Mile Cyrus announced today that she is secretly a man and will be undergoing a sex-change operation at the end of July.
“I have never felt comfortable as a woman”, Cyrus told reporters. “Guys just seem to have all the fun! Come July I want to be able to pee standing up!”
Cyrus fans expressed shock at the diva’s revelation. “I had no idea she was really a guy!” said 19 year old Fritz Callahan. “I mean, I saw her masturbating on her latest video! I saw her naked on the wrecking ball! I just can’t believe it!”
Cyrus apologized to her fans but says she just has to be what she is.
“I’m a guy”, Cyrus continued. “I want to drink beer and watch the game with the guys. I want to cut myself shaving. I’m sick of putting on makeup and pretending I’m a girl!”
Cyrus says she has already traded in her panties for men’s briefs and boxers and has started taking testosterone supplements.
“All I have to do now is start working out and make myself buff”, she stated.
Meanwhile, ‘retired’ pop star Justin Bieber announced today that he plans on becoming a woman. “Miley and I are going to switch places”, the pop star said.
Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment
Posted on 17 December 2013.
After many months of no winner, the Mega Millions jackpot has now soared to over $200 billion, according to Mega Millions lead director Paula Otto.
“Whoever wins this jackpot will be the richest person on Earth”, Otto stated. “they will have dominance over humanity and could decide the fate of the entire planet!”
Otto reminded readers that with $200 billion a person could control the stock market, find cures for disease, help to eliminate hunger in the world or create permanent housing for all the homeless people in the country. Continue Reading
Posted in Human Interest, Society
Posted on 13 December 2013.
Josh Holbecker, a 25 year old time traveler from the year 2072, was arrested this morning after traveling back in time and killing his grandfather, 22-year-old Harvard graduate student Ernest Holbecker.
Josh claims that his father, who has not yet been born, will be responsible for global catastrophe in 2071. He claims he was simply saving the world.
“My dad invented a device that would result in the deaths of 12 billion people!” Josh stated. “There’s only 500,000 people left alive and we are all in underground bunkers. But I was supposed to disappear when I killed my grandfather! What the f..k?” Continue Reading
Posted in Crime, Science & Technologizzy
Posted on 07 December 2013.
Spokespersons for GlaxoSmithKline, Merk, Pfizer and other makers of immunization therapies stated today that the pharmaceutical industry is reintroducing the measles virus to America.
“The measles virus was eradicated throughout most of the world”, said Pfizer spokesperson Juliette Riposs. “Fewer people were having their children vaccinated and this was cutting into our profit margin!”
Riposs reminded consumers that the pharmaceutical industry controls not only the vaccines but also the virus itself. In order to remain profitable the industry has either reintroduced viruses or genetically modified them so as they once again become a serious threat.
“If we really wanted to cure people of viruses we’ve had a cure for all of them for years (see http://web.mit.edu/newsoffice/2011/antiviral-0810.html) but there’s no profit in a cure!” said Merk Product Director Jamie Silverito. “It’s much more cost effective and profitable to treat the symptoms!”
A spokesperson for Vicks Inc stated, “do you think anyone is going to buy Vape-o-Rub or sinus medicine if they never get a cold or the flu? Hell no!”
Jack Lew, the US Secretary of the Treasury, reminded Americans that the pharmaceutical industry is keeping the U.S. Solvent, creates jobs for millions of workers, stimulates the economy and prevents financial disaster.
“You can take your liberal pansy bullshit and stuff it down the crapper” Lew told the media. “We need money and the pharmaceutical industry knows how to make it. Get your kid vaccinated. Contribute some money to the economy. Or else your kids will get measles!”
Posted in Biz News, Top Stories
Posted on 25 October 2013.
After reports surfaced that former Victoria’s Secrets model Miranda Kerr has split from her husband Orlando Bloom, millions of men admit to having fantasies about dating or having sex with her.
“Goddamn she’s single now!” exclaimed Nebraska construction worker Gerald Hornby. “I’d love to be the first one in her panties!”
“I can see myself doing her”, said New York bartender Larry Tish. “Hey, if she comes into the bar she won’t be able to resist me!”
Some men expressed interest in dating the model but withheld any preconceived sexual interest. “We should go out for dinner first”, said Los Angeles attorney Douglas Hartwell. “Then I could take her to the theater, maybe buy her a fur coat. Even fantasizing about sex would have to wait a couple of weeks for a classy gal like her”.
A small percentage of men expressed little interest in dating the curvaceous model. “She’d want me to buy her nice shoes and diamond rings and expensive shit like that”, said Macy’s Department Store worker Lloyd Johnson. “It’s all I can do now to take my gal out for dinner at Denny’s once a week”.
Meanwhile, some women expressed interest in dating her former husband and Lord of the Rings star Orlando Bloom. “He’s fricking hot and he’s rich!” said Bangor, Maine Starbucks barrister Shirley Filswhip. “He can park his shoes under my bed anytime!”
Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment
Posted on 25 August 2013.
Convicted military whistle-blower Bradley Manning, now known as Chelsea E. Manning, will be reprimanded to the all-female Federal Prison Camp in Alderson, WV to serve out his 35 year prison sentence, according to sentencing officials.
“Now that Manning claims he’s a woman we have no choice but to remand him to a prison that only houses women”, said Military Judge Richard “Dick” Koslowski.
Military officials said Manning will start receiving hormone treatments right away though it may be several years before he has his penis removed. Therefore, he will be living at the prison for a time as a woman trapped in a man’s body.
“I feel sorry for the guy”, said US General Joseph Dunford. “I couldn’t imagine what he must be going through!”
Others were not quite so sympathetic with Manning’s plight. Staff sergeant Bill Nichols said “This whole thing sounds screwy to me. I think the whole reason he wants to be a woman is so he can go to a woman’s prison and get laid by hot babes! Could you imagine being the only guy among 3000 horny women? Lock me up!”
The Alderson Prison Camp became a household name when TV personality Martha Stewart was housed there for five months in 2004. In addition to being the only male, Manning will enjoy swimming in the Olympic size pool, and participate in talent and game shows. He will also enjoy volleyball, tennis, basketball, racquetball, softball and go roller skating with the other female inmates.
Manning stated that, in addition to being female, he also wants to be a lesbian.
Posted in Top Stories