Posted in Health Top Stories

Male Sperm Counts Lower; Women Blamed

Researchers from Israel, The US, Denmark and Australia have reported that male sperm counts have declined 60% in the past 40 years and claim that women simply aren’t doing enough to give their man a good, hard stiffie.

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Posted in Politics

Government Chemtrail Program Deemed a Success

US Government officials declared today that their government sponsored Chemtrail program, which is designed to make people more submissive to government authority, is a total success. “People are more submissive now than at any time in history”, proudly declared US…

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Posted in Human Interest

Driverless Car Impounded for DUI

One of the Google driverless cars has been pulled over and impounded for driving under the influence of ethanol, according to California Highway Patrol officers, he is going to trial with the Best Los Angeles DUI Defense Lawyer. “The car…

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

Mitt Romney Admits He’s a ‘Douche-bag’

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney dropped out of the Presidential race yesterday stating that he was not qualified for the job. “I’m a douche-bag”, Romney. “I don’t know what’s going on with the American people. You don’t want a loser…

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Posted in World News

Japanese Encouraged to Get Laid More

Faced with a declining birth rate and an ever growing elderly population, Japanese citizens are being encouraged to have more sex. “Japanese men and women seemed to have lost interest in sex!” said prominent Japanese legislative leader Seiko Noda. “We…

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Posted in Politics

Hillary Clinton Latest in Nude Celebrity Photo Scandal

Aspiring Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appears to be the latest notable figure involved in the nude celebrity photo leak scandal, according to traumatized sources who have seen the photos. “I can’t believe I saw those pictures!” said TMZ spokesperson Alicia…

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Posted in Biz News

Satire Writer Reveals How to Get the Most From Your $100 Hotel Stay

With hotel prices rising and personal income dropping, satire writer NickFun has revealed some clever ways to get the most ‘bang for your buck’ from your hotel stay. “It’s actually pretty easy to get back or even make money from…

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Posted in Human Interest

This Old Man Arrested On Ten Counts of Child Molestation

72 year old Gunther Schnell was arrested this afternoon for 10 counts of child sexual molestation after it was revealed he was performing “knick knack” on various parts of children’s bodies. “Currently we have ten victims”, said arresting officer John…

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Posted in Politics

New California Law Requires College Student to Have Written Consent Before Sex

A new California law requires that before engaging in any type of sexual encounter, college students must first sign a legal document to authorize the act or acts to take place and must be witnessed by at least one uninvolved…

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Posted in Politics

Former First Lady Hilary Clinton Admits She and Bill Were Homeless After the White House

In a shocking revelation, former First Ladt Hilary Clinton admits she and her husband were ‘homeless’ after leaving the White House. “We were trying to squeak by on Bill’s pension while trying to pay for Chelsea’s education and we just…

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Posted in Politics

John Kerry Threatens to Beat the Shit Out Of Edward Snowden

US Secretary of State John Kerry asked government whistleblower Edward Snowden to return to the US so he can “personally beat the shit out of him.”

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Posted in World News

Search for Missing Malaysian Jetliner Extends to Blue Ball, PA

Searchers from 26 countries have now focused their attention on the search for missing Malaysian Airlines flight 370 on the tiny, unincorporated town of Blue Ball, PA. “We had a mysterious radar blip over Blue Ball”, said US Secretary of…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip

Racing Legend Speed Racer Dead at 63

Former racing legend Speed Racer was found dead in his rented mobile home this afternoon by his ex-wife Trixie Racer. It would appear Speed had been dead at least a month. No cause of death was given until an autopsy…

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Posted in Top Stories

Big Pharma Creates New Polio-Like Virus

Representatives of Big Pharma revealed today that they have created a new polio-like virus and are testing it on California schoolchildren. “We have infected about 30 California schoolchildren far”, said Big Pharma spokesperson Greg Skrewm. “We hope to have reached…

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Posted in Crime

Judge Rejects 17-Year-Old Drunk Driver Affluenza Defense

A Texas judge threw out the Affluenza defense of a 16-year-old drunk driver today claiming the boy’s family did not make enough money to qualify for that defense. “I am sentencing this boy to three years in prison,” said Texas…

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Posted in Top Stories

North Korean Crimes Against Humanity Almost as Bad as US

The United Nations declared today that atrocities committed by North Korea Security chiefs and possibly even president Kim Jong-un are so horrendous they could be compared to how the US treats prisoners at Guantanamo, Abu Graib and other ‘secret’ prisons…

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Posted in Politics Society

To Avoid Drought Disaster, California Governor Asks Residents to Pee Outside

In a desperate attempt to avoid a statewide water shortage, California governor Jerry Brown has requested that all men and women in the state pee outside in the woods, on the lawn or in a garden area. “These are desperate…

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Posted in Top Stories

NASA: Aliens Dropped ‘Jelly Donut” Rock In Front of Mars Rover

NASA scientists have discarded all previous theories as to how a mysterious ‘jelly donut’ rock appeared beside the Mars Rover Opportunity and now say it must have been dropped there by aliens. “We have ruled out every other explanation”, said…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Entertainment

Miley Cyrus to Undergo Sex Change Operation

Twerking, gyrating, Wrecking Ball queen Mile Cyrus announced today that she is secretly a man and will be undergoing a sex-change operation at the end of July. “I have never felt comfortable as a woman”, Cyrus told reporters. “Guys just…

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Posted in Human Interest Society

Mega Millions to Exceed $200 Billion

After many months of no winner, the Mega Millions jackpot has now soared to over $200 billion, according to Mega Millions lead director Paula Otto. “Whoever wins this jackpot will be the richest person on Earth”, Otto stated. “they will…

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