Posted on 03 February 2015.
One of the Google driverless cars has been pulled over and impounded for driving under the influence of ethanol, according to California Highway Patrol officers.
“The car was speeding down the 5 Freeway at 30 miles over the speed limit and driving in and out of lanes”, said CHP officer Joel Braggin. “When I opened the gas compartment door I could smell the alcohol”.
Peter Innocente, a passenger in the vehicle, was shocked at how the car was behaving. “It wouldn’t let me take the wheel”, a still shaken Innocente declared. “I’m lucky to be alive! I’m gald those cops came when they did!”
Like humans, self-driving cars are required to have no more than .08 alcohol in their systems. Innocente’s vehicle measured a .34. Over 4 times the legal limit.
“I plan on suing the gas station that served him that mixture”, Innocente told Glossy News. “I want to make sure no one else has to deal with this!”
The car has been impounded for a minimum of 30 days and wil lose its registration for at least 5 years. The car itself was unavailable for comment.
“I”m going to get me an old VW Bug and keep it sober!” Innocente declared.
Posted in Human Interest
Posted on 30 January 2015.
Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney dropped out of the Presidential race yesterday stating that he was not qualified for the job.
“I’m a douche-bag”, Romney. “I don’t know what’s going on with the American people. You don’t want a loser like me for president”.
Romney admitted that his comfortable, wealthy lifestyle and wanton disregard for the poor and underprivileged have made him a poor candidate for the nations highest post.
“I admit I would be a pretty good commander in chief though”, Romney continued. “I wouldn’t mind sending young men into war or wantonly killing scores of innocent people. That would actually give me a tickle”.
Many other Republicans expressed relief that Romney has dropped out of the race. Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee said in reference to Romney, “he’s not God fearing enough. He’d lead us into war but I doubt he would push the nuclear trigger! That’s what I’ll do when I’m president. In the name of God and country!”
New Jersey governor Chris Christie claims he just doesn’t like Romney. “He’s a f(ricking) loser! At least now he’s admitting he’s a douche bag! Not like me! I’m a fat, obnoxious regular American! Like all of you!”
Most people interviewed agreed that Romney would suck as president and they would not vote for him. But they expressed the same sentiments for all the republican candidates. And democrats.
Posted in Politics, Top Stories
Posted on 09 January 2015.
Faced with a declining birth rate and an ever growing elderly population, Japanese citizens are being encouraged to have more sex.
“Japanese men and women seemed to have lost interest in sex!” said prominent Japanese legislative leader Seiko Noda. “We need to stimulate the people’s interest in sex before the whole country disappears!”
Noda proposes a government sponsored “get laid now” campaign to stimulate the libido of Japanese citizens. Under the proposal, citizens will be provided with erotic literature, sexy lingerie, lubricating lotions, edible panties, fishnet stocking and bondage equipment such as whips and chains.
“We will not provide condoms or French Ticklers because that would defeat the whole purpose!” Noda explained.
In a recent survey 38% of Japanese men and 39% of Japanese women between the ages of 18 and 34 admit they have never had sex at all.
“I’ve had a couple of blow jobs”, said 28 year old Shinjo Ichikawa. “But I have never put my dick in a vagina”.
Experts claim that Japanese women simply aren’t interested in the tiny penises Japanese men have in relation to white or black men.
“I just like to play with myself”, said 24 year old Akiko Shonokane. “I have a career. I don’t have time for little Japanese penises. And it’s so hard to find a gaijin (foreigner)”.
“We may have to open our doors to foreigners in order to interest more women in sex’, said Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.
Posted in World News
Posted on 24 September 2014.
Aspiring Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appears to be the latest notable figure involved in the nude celebrity photo leak scandal, according to traumatized sources who have seen the photos.
“I can’t believe I saw those pictures!” said TMZ spokesperson Alicia Hartless. “I may have to spend a few years in therapy just to wipe those images from my mind!”
Some people who saw the pictures were not offended at all. “I think she’s pretty hot”, said Los Angeles car salesman Andrew Spigelman. “But, then again, I think iguanas are pretty hot”.
Clinton was very upset when she heard that her cell phone pictures had been hacked. “Those ‘naughty nighty’ and ‘secret masturbation’ pictures were only supposed to be between me and Bill!” she said excitedly. “When I become President the first thing I’ll do is find the people who hacked me and shackle them for the rest of their lives!”
RNC Press Secretary Kristen Kukowski downplayed the nude photos. “We’re not talking about pictures of Kim Kardashian or Hope Solo here. Those are people we WANT to see naked”.
Glossy News refused to post any of the nude photos of the former First Lady because some people reading this may be having lunch.
Posted in Politics
Posted on 04 August 2014.
With hotel prices rising and personal income dropping, satire writer NickFun has revealed some clever ways to get the most ‘bang for your buck’ from your hotel stay.
“It’s actually pretty easy to get back or even make money from your hotel visit”, Fun stated. Just follow a few simple tricks!”
Among Fun’s money saving tips are:
1) Breakfast. Many hotels offer an unlimited buffet-style breakfast. Gorge yourself on as much as you can. And drink at least 6 cups of coffee. An equivalent breakfast at a restaurant will cost you at least $20.00.
2) Take the towels. Most hotels have more than enough towels and they will never miss the ones you take.
3) The same goes for sheets and pillow cases.
4) Take the lamps. If the lamps are free standing then by all means, take them!
5) Take the TV! This may be a little tricky as the TVs are usually mounted into the wall. However, a good socket wrench kit should do the trick! They got the TVs in the wall. You can get them out!
Fun pointed out that there may be other items in some of the fancier hotels that may also be worth taking such as the microwave and refrigerator. Cheap hotel chairs are not usually a good item unless they’re leather.
“I recommend you use some sort of false identification to avoid having the items traced back to you. And make sure you disable the security cameras before doing anything with your items!” Fun stated.
Fun showed pawn shop receipts indicating he actually made over $600 on his last hotel room stay.
Posted in Biz News
Posted on 01 August 2014.
72 year old Gunther Schnell was arrested this afternoon for 10 counts of child sexual molestation after it was revealed he was performing “knick knack” on various parts of children’s bodies.
“Currently we have ten victims”, said arresting officer John Schmidt. “It would appear Mr. Schnell performed this atrocity on everything from a little girls thumb to the sexual organs of both boys and girls”.
It would appear Schnell kept the children quiet by threatening to “paddy whack” them if they told their parents. He even kept his dog quiet by giving him a bone after the dog witnessed each encounter.
The first victim, a 5 year old gitrl, said Schnell said he played knick knack for several hours on her thumb.
Schell’s fifth victim revealed he played “knick knack on her hive” which would indicate her vagina.
The sixth victim was a little boy who stated that Schnell played “knick knack on my stick”, indicating his penis.
Law enforcement authorities say Schnell may be facing up to 30 years behind bars which, given his age, will probably mean life.
“If he gets out of prison alive we can rest assured this old man will be in a wheelchair and come rolling home!” said officer Schmidt.
Posted in Human Interest
Posted on 22 June 2014.
A new California law requires that before engaging in any type of sexual encounter, college students must first sign a legal document to authorize the act or acts to take place and must be witnessed by at least one uninvolved party.
Supporters of the new law claim this will cut down or eliminate ‘date rape’ and spurious sexual assault claims. Opponents state that this will stop young people from engaging in sex entirely.
“My girl and I went out a couple of nights ago and we started French kissing”, said USC student Marty Levin. “But when we got back to my dorm room we had to fill out all this paperwork, find a witness then have the guy watch over us! By the time we were done with the paperwork neither of us was horny anymore!”
“There are more important things in life than being horny and having sex and orgasms”, said Santa Barbara Based Antioch University President Dr. Nancy Leper. “Go to college, establish yourselves with a career and find yourself a suitable spouse who you plan to remain with forever. Then, in order to produce offspring, you can think about having orgasms”.
College senior Sharon Stratalucci agrees with the new law. “I like sex but I don’t want to put his penis in my mouth! My agreement will stipulate no fellatio, no funny positions and plenty of breast sucking and cunnilingus. Wow! This makes me feel powerful!”
“I can deal with it”, said graduate student Jake Halper. “I have lots of documents in my car and a witness who will be there at a moments notice!”
UCLA Freshman Rob Rogers summed it up nicely. “This is so fucking stupid!”
Posted in Politics
Posted on 09 June 2014.
In a shocking revelation, former First Ladt Hilary Clinton admits she and her husband were ‘homeless’ after leaving the White House.
“We were trying to squeak by on Bill’s pension while trying to pay for Chelsea’s education and we just couldn’t handle it!” Clinton confided. “We found ourselves living on the street!”
Finally the pair managed to convince one of their bodyguards to put them up in his guest room for a few weeks while they got back on their feet. When Ms. Clinton got her first speaking engagement for $200,000 they managed to find a small place.
“We spent all our money on legal fees for Bill and defending ourselves from Whitewater”, Hillary continued. Not to mention how much money we spent paying people to keep their big mouths shut!”
Hillary says they can now empathize with homeless people and their families as they have ‘been there and done that’.
“You really don’t understand the situation until you have eaten from a trash can yourself”, she stated. “And park benches and under bridges are not very comfortable”.
The Clintons now claim assets of over $200 million including two multimillion dollar homes and feel more comfortable than they have in years. “The extra money helps keep the wolf from our door” she said.
Hillary would not disclose how they accumulated such vast reserves on wealth in such a short time except to say, “let’s say it’s time for people to pay US to keep our mouths shut!”
“Now we keep our dumpster filled with fresh fruit and vegetables so other homeless people can have a good meal”, she said with a smile.
Posted in Politics
Posted on 29 May 2014.
US Secretary of State John Kerry asked government whistleblower Edward Snowden to return to the US so he can “personally beat the shit out of him”.
“I’m sick of that little pansy ass spilling all our government secrets!” an enraged Kerry declared. “I want him to com back here so I can beat the shit out of him. I want to smack him in the nose and spread his analyst guts all over!”
Kerr claims that Snowden’s revelation of NSA snooping has permanently damaged the United States, caused hundreds of billions of dollars in damages, created international tension, increased the national debt and may bring on World War 3.
“If we had simply kept our secrets as secrets then no one would have known and everything would be OK!” Kerry continued. “But this Snowden had to open his big fat mouth and show everyone our fucking documents so now the US looks like a bunch of assholes!”
Snowden has insisted all along that what he did was good for the country and said that if Kerry came after him he would “whip his ass”.
“Kerry is a loud mouthed old fart”, Snowden stated. “I’ll box his ears, punch him in the face then kick him in the nuts! Tell him to come to Russia and we’ll duke it out!”
Kerry said he would travel to Russia when time permits but he is currently busy with Benghazi and other affairs.
“I told you he was a wienie!” Snowden stated.
Posted in Politics
Posted on 18 March 2014.
Searchers from 26 countries have now focused their attention on the search for missing Malaysian Airlines flight 370 on the tiny, unincorporated town of Blue Ball, PA.
“We had a mysterious radar blip over Blue Ball”, said US Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “We think that might be the missing jetliner! It’s a bit of a long shot but at this point we can’t rule out anything!”
Hagel said the jetliner may have landed somewhere, refueled, then headed out over Blue Ball although this, like all reports on the missing plane, cannot be verified.
Major John E Stevens of the PA Air National Guard was verbally reprimanded for not disclosing the existence of the radar information sooner. “I didn’t know it might have something do with the missing airliner!” Stevens protested. “I thought it was just a flock of geese!”
Other military commanders throughout the world are checking their own blips on their radar screens to see if they might be the missing jetliner.
“We are also looking at the possibility of UFOs” Hagel continued. “Though the Blue Ball theory seems more likely, at least at this point. We just want to make some fucking sense out of this whole fucking thing! A fucking 777 can’t just vanish like a fart in the wind! Do you want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!!!”
Hagel excused himself at this point to take his medication.
Posted in World News
Posted on 09 March 2014.
Former racing legend Speed Racer was found dead in his rented mobile home this afternoon by his ex-wife Trixie Racer. It would appear Speed had been dead at least a month.
No cause of death was given until an autopsy can be performed, but Racer was known to have had issues with drugs and alcohol for many years.
“I wish I had known Speed was so depressed, because I might have been able to save him,” said Trixie before quickly adding, “not that I would have!” Continue Reading
Posted in Celebrity Gossip
Posted on 28 February 2014.
Representatives of Big Pharma revealed today that they have created a new polio-like virus and are testing it on California schoolchildren.
“We have infected about 30 California schoolchildren far”, said Big Pharma spokesperson Greg Skrewm. “We hope to have reached epidemic proportions by the end of summer”.
Skrewm explained that Big Pharma makes much of its money from viruses, virus treatments and vaccines. He claims they already have a vaccine for the new virus but won’t release it until at least 100,000 people have become infected.
“Then we will start a nationwide immunization campaign!” he stated.
“This disease is new and we haven’t worked out all bugs yet”, said Michael Lynch, VP of R&D for Big Pharma. “But have no fear! We will have the vaccine available before many of you are infected!”
Lynch explained that researchers genetically modified the old polio virus to make it resistant to every standard type of treatment then re-sequenced it.
“We need to make money for ourselves and to make our shareholders happy”, Lynch explained. “Every time we find a vaccine for a virus, that’s money coming out of our pockets. We need vaccines for new viruses to replace the old viruses”.
Big Pharma CEO Rick Cheney suggests deep pocketed investors invest now.
“I can’t give you any inside info but this is going to be big!” Cheney stated.
Posted in Top Stories
Posted on 24 February 2014.
A Texas judge threw out the Affluenza defense of a 16-year-old drunk driver today claiming the boy’s family did not make enough money to qualify for that defense.
“I am sentencing this boy to three years in prison,” said Texas State District Judge Jean Boyd.
“His parents only make $65,000 per year between them. In order to qualify for the affluenza defense parents must make over $300,000 and have a cumulative net worth exceeding $3 million including property.”
The boy’s lawyer, public defender Josh Sherman, claims that despite his family’s low income, the boy has always been pampered and allowed to do whatever he wants. Continue Reading
Posted in Crime
Posted on 17 February 2014.
The United Nations declared today that atrocities committed by North Korea Security chiefs and possibly even president Kim Jong-un are so horrendous they could be compared to how the US treats prisoners at Guantanamo, Abu Graib and other ‘secret’ prisons around the world.
“This kind of behavior does not belong in a civilized society!” declared Michael Kirby, chairman of the U.N. Commission of Inquiry.
Kirby claims that North Korean prisoners are being denied due process, starved, are frequently beaten and denied health care much like prisoners at Guantanamo.
“Other countries are supposed to do as we say, not as we do”, said Cori Crider, Guantanamo Counsel and Strategic Director.
Crider would not comment on the other ‘secret prisons’ the US has around the world simply saying “that’s not my job”
In addition, the committee expressed concern over North Korea’s growing nuclear arsenal claiming it resembles a tiny version of the US nuclear arsenal.
“Granted, they have only one ten thousandth the strength of our nuclear arsenal but we are us and they are them”, said Brigadier General Les More, an Air Force spokesman. “It comes down to US vs THEM. And US always wins!”
Posted in Top Stories
Posted on 14 February 2014.
In a desperate attempt to avoid a statewide water shortage, California governor Jerry Brown has requested that all men and women in the state pee outside in the woods, on the lawn or in a garden area.
“These are desperate times”, Brown reminded reporters. “We need to conserve water any way we can!”
Brown claims that if all 38 million residents of California follow his proposal this would save the state 832,200,000,000 gallons of fresh water a year, assuming for 3 gallon per flush and 6 pisses per day per person.
Browns other water saving proposals include:
Showering no more than once a week. And two or more people showering at a time. Assuming 20 gallons of fresh water per shower this would save the state at least 277,400,000,000 gallons per year.
Don’t wash your car. This would result in an additional savings of over 24,000,000,000 gallons per year.
In addition to the above proposals Brown urges residents to drink only bottled water that has been bottled in water rich areas such as Maine or North Dakota. This would save the state an additional 13,870,000,000 gallons per year.
Agricultural use of water to be reduced by 2/3 resulting in a yearly savings of nearly 1 trillion gallons per year.
“These would be temporary measures until the drought is over”, the governor continued. “Please don’t make me send out the National Guard to make these things mandatory!”
Posted in Politics, Society
Posted on 24 January 2014.
NASA scientists have discarded all previous theories as to how a mysterious ‘jelly donut’ rock appeared beside the Mars Rover Opportunity and now say it must have been dropped there by aliens.
“We have ruled out every other explanation”, said Cornell University astronomer Steven Squyres, the principal investigator of Mars Exploration Rover Mission. “The only remaining explanation is that someone dropped it there”.
NASA scientists have been searching for signs of past microbial life on the Red Planet but think they have found something far more intriguing. Intelligent life!
“We have known for some time that something was cleaning off the solar panels which has extended the life of the rover from a planned 90 day mission to over 10 years”, Squires continued. “We attributed it to dust storms but, in reality, aliens have been coming by with dust cloths”.
NASA had been hiding this recent revelation from public in fear that they cannot handle the truth.
“There is nothing to be afraid of!” said NASA administrator Charles Bolden. “These are peaceful creatures and they have offered us a jelly donut. In Earth terms that’s like extending an olive branch!”
Posted in Top Stories