Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Strange People

Author of “How to Be A Success” Guides Dies a Dismal Failure

Kilroy Kovacs, prolific publisher of the popular “How to Be a Success” guides, has been found dead in his car outside of Peculiar, Missouri. Cause of death has not been determined. Kovacs was the author of two dozen “How to…

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Posted in The Rest

Trump Comes Clean on Golden Showers

“Honest to God, I thought those bitches peed gold!”

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

Five Ways a Trump Presidency is Like Gilligan’s Island

Let me just say Richard Condon was wrong. The Manchurian Candidate is from Moscow and he ain’t brainwashed. Nothing about the recent election would make for a decently plausible political thriller or even proper parody. I know truth is stranger…

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Posted in Music

Jay Z Drops “The Bananas Gloat Song.” Goes Viral

“Kanye! Kaaaaaanye! Daylight come and you won’t go home….”

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Entertainment Music Politics Strange People

Trump Taps Kanye West as Next Press Secretary

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Posted in War Zone World News

Have You Ever Thought About Joining ISIS?

NOTE FROM WALLACE RUNNYMEDE: We rarely republish pieces at Glossy News, even though the ‘Glossy News Classics’ occasional series will feature some great work from our back catalogue. But this recent piece was so hilarious, we are publishing it again!…

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Posted in Music Politics Top Stories

What the Presidential Candidates Are Doing—Right This Moment

With the Election mercifully only hours away, the three major candidates (and one cameo candidate) are done putting the final touches on their respective Frankenstein campaigns. Using an unholy combination of satanic ritual coupled with classified NSA technology that hasn’t…

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Posted in Top Stories

Ten Great Reasons to Join ISIS!

Greetings and salutations dysfunctional Western youth. God is great and so are you! We are ISIS and we are looking for a few good martyrs! Are you that special person who is destined to do great things for a great…

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Posted in Making Headlines Top Stories

GlossyNews Publishes Hilarious Caricature of Muhammad

Uh….nevermind!! But stay tuned for more Kim Jong-Un parodies! You can contribute to our North Korea video satire series here or learn more about it here.

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

4 out of 5 Republicans in Anonymous Survey Admit Liking Dick

Support for Dick Cheney and former President George Bush to be prosecuted for torture appear to have fallen faster than an erection in Hillary Clinton’s presence according to inside sources. Hard numbers from a recent survey revealed that most Republicans…

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Posted in Making Headlines

Obama Claims Racial Progress Made After Finishing Boehner’s Shoes

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc Celebrity Gossip

ISIS Targets U.S. Comicbook Market

ISIS is reported to be using old established oil smuggling routes to sell oil on the black market for millions of dollars. While that certainly is a lot of money, it is insignificant compared to the market they are currently…

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Posted in Entertainment Television

Sharknado: The Second One Bites

I have to admit, I liked the first Sharknado. It was so unpretentiously bad with an overtly self-mocking flavor, it was easy to just sit back and enjoy the total disregard for logic. When they announced a sequel, I exercised…

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Posted in Making Headlines

Sharknado Jumps the Shark

Spawns new hackneyed headline.

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Posted in Health Science Top Stories

The Condemned No Longer Fear The Reaper

FLORENCE, Ariz. (GlossyNews) — A government think tank has come up with a novel idea to ensure there are no more botched executions like the one that occurred this week in Arizona. States have traveled a long and winding road…

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Posted in News In Your Briefs

Scientists determine 87% of people who put their hands in the air actually don’t care

The other 13% are easily influenced by crowds.

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Posted in Society Strange People

Jimmy Cracks Corn, Gets 20 Years

(Hambone, Alabama)–Jimmy was sentenced to 20 years for cracking corn as if no one cared. According to witnesses, Jimmy was observed cracking corn and repeatedly asked to stop, but refused. “I saw Jimmy sitting over there on that bench cracking…

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Talky Pictures

Seth MacFarlane’s Penis Found Dead

Seth MacFarlane, creator of such ground-breaking animated hits as “Family Guy” and “American Dad” discovered his own badly decomposed penis dead in a ravine in rural Arizona. MacFarlane had reported his penis missing a week earlier. He stumbled upon it…

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Posted in Human Interest Society

After Botched Execution, Oklahoma Replaces Lethal Injection with “Death by Dumbo”

Following the “incomplete” execution of Clayton Locket in Oklahoma earlier this month, the Oklahoma legislature has voted to replace lethal injection with “Death by Dumbo”. Dumbo, a rogue circus elephant convicted of killing his long time handler in the late…

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Posted in Entertainment Talky Pictures

Godzilla: A Freaky Movie Review of a Freaky-Deaky Film

I’m going to tell you up right up front that I have been a Godzilla fan since the first time I laid eyes on The Man in The Rubber Suit. Will Rogers has absolutely nothing on me: I’ve never met…

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