Business down the drainpipe for Mario Brothers

Business down the drainpipe for Mario Brothers

WORKERS have spoken of their sadness at a family run plumbing business has gone bust after 33 years trading.

Mario Brothers Plumbing Ltd announced last night that it was to go into administration and there was expected to be a loss of more than 300 jobs.

The business has sighted the worldwide financial crisis, but staff have accused the poor management of the two owners, Mario and Luigi, that ultimately lead to the closure and loss of jobs. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Gadgets & Gizmos2 Comments

Cute Baby Rolls Over, Facebook Servers Crash

Cute Baby Rolls Over, Facebook Servers Crash

A SOCIAL media site descended into chaos last night following the news that a four-month-old baby had hit a milestone.

According to reports, baby Molly, rolled on to her stomach to the delight of her proud mother, Bev Herman, who then shared the news via a Facebook status.

The website had to be shut down for over 40 minutes due to the high volume of well wishers and ‘likes’ the status gained in a matter of seconds. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest1 Comment

Michael Jackson, Whitney Housten, Reportedly Still Dead

Michael Jackson, Whitney Housten, Reportedly Still Dead

THOUSANDS of social media users were shocked to learn that ‘music legends’ such as Michael Jackson and Whitney Huston are still dead.

The distressing news came throughout the months following the announcement of the pop idols’ deaths.

Mourners took to Twitter and Facebook to share their utter disbelief and heartache over deceased celebrities that they had never met.

One tweet from @lucy_carr5 said: “Literally crying my eyes out listening to ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’. RIP Whitney, heaven has gained another star.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Music3 Comments

Housewife becomes Batman-like

Housewife becomes Batman-like

A WOMAN has been arrested after she became ‘ninja-like’ and ‘overly mysterious’ while making dinner to the Batman soundtrack.

Emergency services received a distress call from a very panicked husband at a home in suburban Seattle at around 5:45pm yesterday saying that his wife was going ‘crazy’ whispering with intent “I am Housemom” and chopping vegetables in an aggressive manner. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People1 Comment

Satire Writer Bittered by Real Life

Satire Writer Bittered by Real Life

A SATIRE writer has become jaded after working on a ‘real’ newspaper.

The satire writer, who can not be named because I don’t want to, has revealed to Glossy News that she, erm… that she, or he, has found it increasingly difficult to write satire after their experience in a newsroom.

The writer said: “When I write satire, I often do so from my soapbox, which I sit on, alone, in the dark.

“It usually results in me mindlessly watching the TV or laughing at Internet memes, but after six hours my eyes get tired so I just write something stupid and call it satire.

“But my whole perspective on life has changed ever since I did some work at a proper newspaper.”

The anonymous writer says that they could not believe the stories that were news worthy and has subsequently found it difficult to write anything meaningful, the writer said: “I began to question everything, the price of cheese, why a cat on the train tracks is news, why blue is blue, my existence, everything.

“What place in this world do I have as a writer of satire, making up convoluted, bizarre scenarios, when out there, in the ‘real’ world, they were already happening and being written about?”

The writer pointed to examples of their work that had been written a few months, or in some cases, days, before actual similar events took place: “A good example would be when I wrote about hobos being government spies who were placed to track down minor crimes, turns out it is totally true, I read it in a newspaper.

“There was also the time I wrote about celebrity women being so unnatural that they were actually from an alternate reality. Yesterday I read a report in the newsroom that they are actually aliens sent here to slowly ebb away at our sense of decency and self esteem.”

Asked if they would return to satire, the writer said: “Screw it, I am through with all this, it is getting scary how close to reality satire can be. They say ‘you can’t make it up’, well they are right and that puts me out of a job.”

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc5 Comments

Microsoft Paperclip Endorses Mitt Romney

Microsoft Paperclip Endorses Mitt Romney

GlossyNews.com – The Microsoft Paperclip has declared that he is a Republican and has come to the aid of Mitt Romney with an 11th hour endorsement of the pro-corporate candidate.

The Paperclip is largely known for his letter writing interventions, but since declaring he is backing Romney for President, he has developed a special campaigning wizard feature, which is sure to be as appreciated as all of his other timely interjections. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics3 Comments

Protester Ousted for Using Capitalism-Made Product

Protester Ousted for Using Capitalism-Made Product

A woman was removed from protest group Occupy after fellow member found out that she used commercial sanitary products.

Mary Chambers was dishonorably dismissed from the group following an incident were her bag fell open and the contents fell to the ground including female sanitary products.

Eyewitnesses said that a tampon rolled across the floor to the outrage of onlookers.

“I saw her bend over really quickly to pick it up and hide it under her jacket. I was just so, so, shocked” Said Harriet from New England.

“I mean it is totally disloyal to the reasons why we are here, she tried to deny it but we all saw and circled in around her.”

There is some disagreement as to what happened next but it resulted in Ms Chambers being removed from the group meeting in New York.

“I am so angry, this goes against everything we stand for. She is using the tools of the fat cats to catch her menstruation. It’s like she is literally being fucked by capitalism every 28 days.” Said, outspoken, Sara from New York.

She continued: “We have evidence that shows that those tampons were made in sweatshops in Indonesia and China using child labor.”

“She has completely dishonored the sisterhood here in the Occupy group, she should be ashamed of herself for using the products of an unjust capitalist system for her own convenience.”

Ms Chambers was unavailable for comment.

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Posted in Strange People1 Comment

Psychic Doesn’t See Police Coming

Psychic Doesn’t See Police Coming

Police have issued a statement confirming the arrest of a crystal ball reader in California.

Known only as Mystic Mary Star Moon Shine Peters, the crystal ball reader was believed to have been arrested on charges of ‘false prediction’.

Mystic Mary is thought to have been practicing the gift of psychic powers for more then 9 years, Glossy News spoke exclusively to one of her many regular clients: Continue Reading

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Posted in Horoscopes6 Comments

Smells Good Enough Not To Eat

Smells Good Enough Not To Eat

A study carried out by the US government has, today, published findings that show although perfume smells great, it, in fact, tastes disgusting.

Research, that took over 17 years to complete, shows that of the 6,789 participants only 1.2% felt that perfume tasted nice.

Dr Handel, who was one of the major contributors to the project, said: “After years of study and hard work we can finally conclude that perfume tastes bad.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science1 Comment

Very Enterprising: Casket of Candy

Very Enterprising: Casket of Candy

With the economy in dire conditions entrepreneurs are looking to invest in recession proof businesses resulting in hundreds of coffin/candy shops springing up all over the country.

Often branded as the ‘place to bury a loved one and unearth a candy’, owner of the Coffin Candy Showrooms, Aaron Willis told Glossy News why his business is such a success:

“Well firstly it’s down to good management, a good team and excellent promotion. You have to get the advertising just right.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News1 Comment

Hollywood: Remade (Electric Boogaloo)

Hollywood: Remade (Electric Boogaloo)

After years and years of poor Hollywood remakes the film capital of the world has decided that Hollywood, itself, needs a remake.

Set for release in November 2015 the Hollywood remake will see star-studded town set in downtown Detroit, with the Hollywood sign made out of scrap metal.

Liz Silverman, head of the Committee Remake Association Partnership (CRAP), told Glossy News that she felt it was the right step for Hollywood: Continue Reading

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Posted in Talky Pictures1 Comment

Newspapers Decline as Baked Beans Continue to Boom

Newspapers Decline as Baked Beans Continue to Boom

New figures show the continuing decline of print newspaper circulation all over the world.

Circulation is down a further 15% from last year’s figures, meaning that fewer people are buying a newspaper.

Professor John McDonald, department head of the scientific study of journalism said: “It would appear that the figures show fewer people are purchasing newspapers, which will mean less papers are sold”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc4 Comments

Omphaloskepsistic Guitar Soloist’s Shameful Arrest

Omphaloskepsistic Guitar Soloist’s Shameful Arrest

A man was arrested by police in the small hours of yesterday night after an angry woman made a call to the emergency services from a bar just outside the suburbs of New York.

Police were called to the scene at about 2:30am where it is believed that a band known as The F Zappas were playing.

It is understood that police stormed the bar, hurried on stage and arrested the lead guitarist on suspicion of guitar wanking. Continue Reading

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Posted in Music1 Comment

Hover Cars Will Not Help Us

Hover Cars Will Not Help Us

Scientists have warned that placing too many emphases on hover cars may confuse car owners.

In an open letter to the car industry, a group of prestigious scientists from a variety of disciplines warn that if the car industry continues to hail the invention of the hover car as a turning point they are only going to be ‘disappointed’.

“It is important that the industry recognize that the proliferation of hover cars will not decrease traffic levels or ease traffic congestion.” The letter sates: “In fact it will be that same or worse.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy2 Comments

Extreme Yoga Takes Downward Dog Turn

Extreme Yoga Takes Downward Dog Turn

Health advisers are warning people of the dangers of the extreme yoga craze that is sweeping the nation.

An extreme form of yoga has been developed among a group of hardcore practitioners, in the underground yoga dens of New York, which involves various difficult postures including one where you have to turn yourself inside out.

In what is now being dubbed as Bikram-in, Bikram-out yoga, pupils are lead into increasingly difficult stretches and positions and, ultimately, the ‘inverted-you’ posture. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health4 Comments

50 Shades of Gray Author Shockingly Honored

50 Shades of Gray Author Shockingly Honored

The author of the 50 Shades trilogy has been handed the Nobel Prize for Peace.

In what the literally, scientific and political world are deeming a ‘horrible, shocking mistake’, Erika Leonard was presented with the prize in Oslo City Hall in Norway, a little earlier then the planned announcement.

The committee behind the decision have fiercely defended their actions in a statement following the ceremony: Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc4 Comments

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