ROCKY MOUNT, NC – A 37-year old unemployed factory worker turned humor blogger is reportedly thrilled by recent praise his previously unknown humor blog has received. Avowed bachelor and longtime fan of Wheel of Fortune, Buford Quigley told reporters today that he is “as happy as a dead pig in sunshine” over the overwhelming positive response his humor blog is receiving – almost exclusively from internet spammers. Continue Reading

Forget those underpowered, overpriced apps that promise you a fun game of Walmart Bingo, the FunnyHitman brings you one that’s even better, and best of all, it’s free to view, free to print and free to use as you laugh your inexpensive suburban socks off. Continue Reading

MISSOULA, MT—A new website has made it even easier for Facebook members to update their status through a rating system that allows members to test their updates before posting them.

Members who are too brain dead from lurking on the pages of ex-girlfriends or watching Youtube videos of raccoons giving hugs can also go to Statusbook to get ideas for status updates, or simply copy and paste updates that have already been rated. Continue Reading

Washington 0500hrs: Creepy-looking founder of Wikileaks and alleged evil genius, Julian Assange, has officially been charged by prosecutors in Florida with molesting at least 26 political careers over the course of a single week last year.

The controversial figurehead and former computer hacker, currently under house arrest in England, claims the allegations are preposterous. “I did not assault these diplomats,” declared Assange, as he left court with his barrister, Geoffrey Robertson QC. Continue Reading

You may have heard the recent news about AOL purchasing Huffington Post for the sum of $315 million dollars. Will AOL buy your blog? Will AOL pay you a million dollars for your blog or website? Will AOL give you hundreds of millions of dollars to buy your blog? Are you crazy?

The short answer is maybe, but the longer answer is maybe-but-a-we-just-a-gotta-wait-and-see, but maybe not for $315 million cold, hard smackeroos. It could be more, though it could be much, much less… and you’d still be happy about it. Continue Reading

If imitation truly is the sincerest form of flattery, then this recently noticed Glossy News site in Romania means we’ve truly made it. If it doesn’t, however, Dracula owes me some blood, because I’ve been running this mare hard for 9-years, and even Vlad the Impaler better pay me some props. Continue Reading

Following a precipitous plummet in readership, the once formidable political satire site Glossynews announced today that it will be merging with Twitter to create internet’s the first 140 character satire site.  Glossynews found itself in trouble shortly after insisting on well-edited pieces, much to the ire of thousands of aspiring writers who produced copious amounts of material for the site. Continue Reading

Mountain View, CA- GlossyNews.com In what is likely the fastest negotiated buyout in history, mega-corporation Google will purchase the redheaded stepchild of the information age, Wikileaks.org, from founder J. Paul Assange for a staggering, undisclosed sum of $30 billion USD.

An unidentified source has confirmed the money will changed hands, making accused condom-hater Assange one of the richest men on earth. How Google plans to dole out unreleased Wikileaks information was not addressed in the leaked statement. Continue Reading

The popular dating website has tens of millions of users around the globe and claims that the marriages it engenders last longer and are more contented than normal. It bases its matches between singles on compatibility traits. “This is the problem”, one genetics researcher, Dr. Tsung Foo of Apple Fertility Clinic, a new app for the iPhone, professes, “since compatibility is not a natural human species mating trait. That is not how sex works.” Continue Reading

SEATTLE, Former British Colonies (GlossyNews) – On Sunday, the 27th of June, 2010, the headquarters of Glossy News was shocked to receive a notice from the solicitors of Arriva PLC (www.arriva.co.uk ) demanding that Glossy News cease and desist. Due to the failure of the top notch crew at Arriva to enclose a promised attachment, it was some time until analysts at Glossy News could figure out what the hell we were supposed to cease and desist from. Continue Reading

It was announced this week that China now owns the world’s fastest computer, which is a great victory for Americans, since the technology is far from new, and the technology all comes from Santa Clara, California. That’s clearly a boon for capitalism.

While the fans and power cables may have been sourced in China (no confirmation as of yet, they may have as likely come from Japan or India,) the chips powering the world’s fastest supercomputer are indeed nothing short of left-coast American bred. Continue Reading

MOGADISHU, Somalia – High seas pirates tired of battling high seas and all those US and French Naval ships have decided to become landlubbers again and do what their fellow continental Nigerians are doing, scamming people from solid ground.

They’ve opened a new operation entitled Facebroker whereby they steal the identities of people on Facebook and sell them to people who don’t have identities on Facebook so that they can be identified on Facebook as someone other than themselves. Continue Reading

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (GlossyNews) — Scientists in Stockholm are just now concluding a 5-year long research project designed to determine whether or not mainstream consciousness is finally overpowering mindless consciousness and endangering the world we live in to such a degree that we may find ourselves staring down the real Apocalypse of 2012.

Some of the findings are startling. From the “don’t worry your bottom dollar about it” scenario to “holy shit, we have a crisis on our hands” [our words not theirs], the report is poised to set the social networking world on its head. Continue Reading

There’s little debating the power of Stephen Colbert and the Colbert Nation. It has amongst the youngest news audience out there (80% of his viewers are in the coveted 18-49 demographic, according to a recent Pew Poll,) but the bigger story is Colbert’s ability to rally them to support any given cause. Take for instance the fan-advocated goal of raising $100,000 for underfunded school programs. Impossible? Maybe not. Continue Reading

I’ve been gracious about this for years, but at some point even the most jaded of satirist has to throw up his hands and say there simply has to be some grand conspiracy at work. Perhaps there isn’t. Perhaps it’s pure coincidence that the same guy who published stories about what a worthless bucket of brackish humanity Paris Hilton is would then find himself on the outs with Hilton Hotels for years to come. Continue Reading

RESTSTOP, Info Superhighway (GlossyNews) — A group of Facebook addiction survivors was found floating in cyberspace last night, clinging to the remnants of a past life spent ogling other people’s lives from the comfort of their home or office. The tattered and torn pride of Linda Deetle, Marvin Locke, Jennifer Pezelridge and four others, who pulled the plug on Facebook within the last week, was evident when Tawdry Soup caught up with the trio.

“I was lonely,” cried Deetle, a 47 year old widow, Continue Reading