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5 Lists and Articles People Totally Need to Stop Sharing

5 Lists and Articles People Totally Need to Stop Sharing

You, stop right there! Don’t click another “share” button until you’ve read this article. Facebook has become a place to post all your passive aggressive, secretly racist, and propaganda articles far too long.

Take a hint, everyone is tired of seeing these posts. Here are 5 things you totally need to stop sharing right now.

5: Lists of common things you’ve been doing wrong your entire life.

You don’t use straws to remove the tops of strawberries? Not following the 5 step chicken wing eating process? Are you brain dead or what?

The last thing anyone wants to hear is how they have been doing something so simple wrong forever. In most cases, the “correct” way is stupid and not practical. Obviously, its not wrong. Stop being a jerk and get off your high horse.

This applies to any articles found on BuzzFeed

4: Person does some thing. What happens next will shock you!

Why this isn’t number one on my voter bill is beyond words. Seriously, with that vague title I will never click the link. And if YOU click those links, you are only propagating the ridiculous use of vague attention grabbing titles. STOP IT!

Here is the most recent one I saw.

1: Super opinionated articles

This one is Legen- wait for it……it never came. That’s because these kinds of articles are ridiculous. If you have been paying attention, there were only 3 items.

That is because these kinds of lists and articles suck. It makes it awkward for your friends when you share things like this on Facebook. That is the sound of a thousand eyes rolling at once. Every time you share something like this, I cry inside. Do you really think you are cool by showing how ignorant you are? What kind of vindication do you get from figuratively flipping the bird to everyone?

Huffington Post, I’m looking at you.

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes3 Comments

An Annoying Update On Annoying Updates

An Annoying Update On Annoying Updates

Traveling on the road can be stressful. Sometimes too stressful. One doesn’t need non-road situations to make them more stressful. Someone should mention this to Bill Gates.

I am presently doing a road trip with limited amount of time to check out property. This is in a remote part of the country that consists of a lot of trees and hills and not much else.

The towns that are here are Boonievilles, this term not intended as a an insult; they are really cool towns in their unique ways, but ‘Boonievilles’ correctly gives the burgs the proper description as being considerably less sophisticated economically, materially and in terms of modernity. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes0 Comments

Man Starts Kickstarter Campaign  to Support Kickstarter Campaigns

Man Starts Kickstarter Campaign to Support Kickstarter Campaigns

Jacob Nastroni doesn’t consider himself an ideas man, but he has at least one he’s putting to the test:

“There are a lot of different Kickstarter projects that I’d love to get behind, but unfortunately I just don’t have the financial means to really get behind them,” says the aspiring venture capitalist.

“I really like seeing the entrepreneurial spirit some of these people have, and, if I’m honest about it, more than a little jealous.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Brief Dating Site Blah Blah Whatever [VIDEO]

Brief Dating Site Blah Blah Whatever [VIDEO]

Dating sites pride themselves on how complicated they are. This site breaks that mold by asking you to do less and less.

“Almost nothing, really,” said Byron Dwight, CEO and actual site member. “Just a quick tl;dr of yourself and we’ll get you matched up with someone.”

TL;DR is an internet abbreviation meaning “too long; didn’t read,” and it’s the big selling point of Tillder Dating. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology, Video News3 Comments

EPA Report: ALS ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Responsible for 34% Decrease in Polar Ice Caps

EPA Report: ALS ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Responsible for 34% Decrease in Polar Ice Caps

WASHINGTON – In an alarming press conference delivered this afternoon, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Gina McCarthy announced that the ALS “Ice Bucket Challenge,” which has, since June 30th, gone viral on social media websites like Facebook and Twitter, is estimated to be responsible for at least a 34% reduction in the mass of arctic sea ice. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Internets Tubes1 Comment

Girls Stab Friend in Honor of Slenderman; Glad it Wasn’t in the Back

Girls Stab Friend in Honor of Slenderman; Glad it Wasn’t in the Back

Two girls were arrested by the Bureau of Academic and Constitutional Owners for Niggas force for allegedly stabbing a girl after trying to prove the existence of the Photoshopped myth “Slenderman”.

When questioned by the judge, the two girls responded by stating, “Hey, at least it wasn’t in the back.”

The judge was surprised by their testimonies and decided to let them go off with a warning, only if they promised to never do it again. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Facebook Funeral for Computer Game Enthusiast

Facebook Funeral for Computer Game Enthusiast

TOLEDO – Zed Rigby, 65, a life-long computer game enthusiast, died in his home in Toledo, Ohio last Monday.

Mr. Rigby leaves behind no family or actual friends, but a number of his virtual friends are now engaged in virtual grieving.

Several of Zed’s Facebook Friends have taken the time to “Like” his Funeral page. A few have even added Comments including “Condolences man,” “Zed’s dead,” and “Sorry Dude!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes1 Comment

Millions Worldwide Mourn The End Of The Golden Age Of The Internet

Millions Worldwide Mourn The End Of The Golden Age Of The Internet

It was a demise that many have seen coming for a long time.

It is a tragedy whose full impact will not be noticed for a while to come.

All things of great worth that are brought into this world go through a cycle- a difficult and long birth, a formative period where it is ignored, misunderstood and its virtues recognized by few, then an ascendance and acceptance by the more intelligent and fore-sighted in society, then an adaption to the masses that makes it widely accepted; hesitantly at first, becoming more so as it becomes less of a mystery, then wildly enthusiastically with throngs raving of its wonders and putting down hard cash and imbuing long hours in use of it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes1 Comment

Glossy News March Winners Announced

Glossy News March Winners Announced

For reasons unknown, we’re still running the $250 satire contest for our writers. Here are your March winners.

The Top Ten

#10 – Facing Extinction, Olive Garden Traces Dinosaur’s Demise For Answers by FreeMann. Just goes to show that sometimes breadsticks can indeed be funny. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes7 Comments

Satirists To Decide Comedic Value of Breadsticks

Satirists To Decide Comedic Value of Breadsticks

WILLOW GROVE, PENN. Satirists are gathering at a conference titled “This Article Is An Inside Joke” in Willow Grove this weekend to decide if breadsticks are inherently funny or only so when mentioned in the same sentence as “Olive Garden”.

“Breadsticks by their nature are humorous, just mention the word breadsticks and people laugh,” said Conference Chairperson Freeman Bradley Stix. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Internets Tubes16 Comments

Mitch McConnell Ad Begs Mockery, Gets it in Spades #mcconnelling

Mitch McConnell Ad Begs Mockery, Gets it in Spades #mcconnelling

The internet fad of the week is #mcconnelling, a little game contrived on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. McConnell released a blank stock video of himself so his SuperPAC could later pretend they didn’t ask for it, but now it’s a thing of legend.

The original ad, featured in The Daily Show clip below, gives all the background you need. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Video News2 Comments

Weakest Lincoln: Thinkin’ or Not, Napolitano Craps Out

Weakest Lincoln: Thinkin’ or Not, Napolitano Craps Out

Fox News contributor Judge Andrew Napolitano appeared on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart this week to strut his contrarian cred and ruffle some feathers. Problem is, he was just… plain… wrong.

It was great of him to appear on The Daily Show. It really humanized him in ways painfully few of the one-dimensional Fox News caricatures ever bother to. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics2 Comments

Top Glossy News February Stories Announced… Doozies Included

Top Glossy News February Stories Announced… Doozies Included

Well, it’s been a crazy month, and traffic has been higher than it has in at least a year, so here are the winners… and yes, there are some surprises in the mix.

The first surprise is that reigning champ, P. Beckert, opted out of the contest for February, leaving her very well read shoes to be filled and rewarded to other writers… Sure, those metaphors are overly mixed, but it doesn’t change the facts. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes6 Comments

CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas

CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas

Once again, the mainstream media has swooped in to steal our precious exclusive. We reported it first, but CNN & reality had a different idea when they took the story from the realm of satire into public consciousness.

These stories may look different, on the surface, but scratch a bit deeper and you’ll find that you’re going to get an infection by doing that. Don’t scratch at it, it only makes it worse when you do.

Wolf Blitzer, his real name, proved the mental might of CNN anchors when he appeared on celebrity Jeopardy, but we had no idea how low they would go.

This article appeared on 2-3-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-cnn

Full story here.

“The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is investigating an outbreak this week of gastrointestinal illness on Royal Caribbean’s Explorer of the Seas; the cause has not yet been determined.”

“Are cruise ships floating petri dishes?”

And this article appeared on 1-31-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-glossy

Full story here.

“Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).”

“In other news, Royal Caribbean announced it will be changing the name of its liners to “Traveling Petri Dish” to more fully covey the breadth of experience people will enjoy.”

Coincidence? I think not. Blatant theft of factual reality? Quite likely. Journalistic untegrity? Quite clearly. They didn’t even cite us as a source.

Need I say more?

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Posted in Health, Internets TubesComments Off

U.S. Military Takes Back Internet After Realizing The Frankenstein Their Creation Has Become..

U.S. Military Takes Back Internet After Realizing The Frankenstein Their Creation Has Become..

The U.S. Military, the true originator of the Internet, has had enough of the shenanigans it has become and is taking it [the internet] back.

“It was never meant to be the big circus that it is now.” stated General I. Standtall, speaking on behalf of the American Armed Services.

“It was intended as a simple means for us to communicate secretly within a military field of intelligence. Since we let it get out of our hands it has devolved into a morass of anti-intelligence.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, War Zone4 Comments

An Open Letter To  GN And Contributors

An Open Letter To GN And Contributors

Risking open rebellion from artists and maybe the admin, I’d like to make a suggestion.

This site needs a writers forum where contributors can discuss submitted articles and make suggestions to improve our skills.

I’m not a polished writer and I know many experienced satirists might be able to help me to improve my craft and product. I would be immeasurably grateful if the admin created a writers only section where I, and everyone else, could benefit from the collective knowledge and wisdom of others.

Just sayin’…

EDITOR’S NOTE: This feature already exists, but it was mothballed years ago due to inactivity. If there’s a desire by the author’s to re-instate it, share your thoughts in the comments below and and I’ll get it worked back into the system.

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes8 Comments

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