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Girls Stab Friend in Honor of Slenderman; Glad it Wasn’t in the Back

Girls Stab Friend in Honor of Slenderman; Glad it Wasn’t in the Back

Two girls were arrested by the Bureau of Academic and Constitutional Owners for Niggas force for allegedly stabbing a girl after trying to prove the existence of the Photoshopped myth “Slenderman”.

When questioned by the judge, the two girls responded by stating, “Hey, at least it wasn’t in the back.”

The judge was surprised by their testimonies and decided to let them go off with a warning, only if they promised to never do it again. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Facebook Funeral for Computer Game Enthusiast

Facebook Funeral for Computer Game Enthusiast

TOLEDO – Zed Rigby, 65, a life-long computer game enthusiast, died in his home in Toledo, Ohio last Monday.

Mr. Rigby leaves behind no family or actual friends, but a number of his virtual friends are now engaged in virtual grieving.

Several of Zed’s Facebook Friends have taken the time to “Like” his Funeral page. A few have even added Comments including “Condolences man,” “Zed’s dead,” and “Sorry Dude!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes1 Comment

Millions Worldwide Mourn The End Of The Golden Age Of The Internet

Millions Worldwide Mourn The End Of The Golden Age Of The Internet

It was a demise that many have seen coming for a long time.

It is a tragedy whose full impact will not be noticed for a while to come.

All things of great worth that are brought into this world go through a cycle- a difficult and long birth, a formative period where it is ignored, misunderstood and its virtues recognized by few, then an ascendance and acceptance by the more intelligent and fore-sighted in society, then an adaption to the masses that makes it widely accepted; hesitantly at first, becoming more so as it becomes less of a mystery, then wildly enthusiastically with throngs raving of its wonders and putting down hard cash and imbuing long hours in use of it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes1 Comment

Glossy News March Winners Announced

Glossy News March Winners Announced

For reasons unknown, we’re still running the $250 satire contest for our writers. Here are your March winners.

The Top Ten

#10 – Facing Extinction, Olive Garden Traces Dinosaur’s Demise For Answers by FreeMann. Just goes to show that sometimes breadsticks can indeed be funny. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes7 Comments

Satirists To Decide Comedic Value of Breadsticks

Satirists To Decide Comedic Value of Breadsticks

WILLOW GROVE, PENN. Satirists are gathering at a conference titled “This Article Is An Inside Joke” in Willow Grove this weekend to decide if breadsticks are inherently funny or only so when mentioned in the same sentence as “Olive Garden”.

“Breadsticks by their nature are humorous, just mention the word breadsticks and people laugh,” said Conference Chairperson Freeman Bradley Stix. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Internets Tubes16 Comments

Mitch McConnell Ad Begs Mockery, Gets it in Spades #mcconnelling

Mitch McConnell Ad Begs Mockery, Gets it in Spades #mcconnelling

The internet fad of the week is #mcconnelling, a little game contrived on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. McConnell released a blank stock video of himself so his SuperPAC could later pretend they didn’t ask for it, but now it’s a thing of legend.

The original ad, featured in The Daily Show clip below, gives all the background you need. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Video News2 Comments

Weakest Lincoln: Thinkin’ or Not, Napolitano Craps Out

Weakest Lincoln: Thinkin’ or Not, Napolitano Craps Out

Fox News contributor Judge Andrew Napolitano appeared on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart this week to strut his contrarian cred and ruffle some feathers. Problem is, he was just… plain… wrong.

It was great of him to appear on The Daily Show. It really humanized him in ways painfully few of the one-dimensional Fox News caricatures ever bother to. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics2 Comments

Top Glossy News February Stories Announced… Doozies Included

Top Glossy News February Stories Announced… Doozies Included

Well, it’s been a crazy month, and traffic has been higher than it has in at least a year, so here are the winners… and yes, there are some surprises in the mix.

The first surprise is that reigning champ, P. Beckert, opted out of the contest for February, leaving her very well read shoes to be filled and rewarded to other writers… Sure, those metaphors are overly mixed, but it doesn’t change the facts. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes6 Comments

CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas

CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas

Once again, the mainstream media has swooped in to steal our precious exclusive. We reported it first, but CNN & reality had a different idea when they took the story from the realm of satire into public consciousness.

These stories may look different, on the surface, but scratch a bit deeper and you’ll find that you’re going to get an infection by doing that. Don’t scratch at it, it only makes it worse when you do.

Wolf Blitzer, his real name, proved the mental might of CNN anchors when he appeared on celebrity Jeopardy, but we had no idea how low they would go.

This article appeared on 2-3-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-cnn

Full story here.

“The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is investigating an outbreak this week of gastrointestinal illness on Royal Caribbean’s Explorer of the Seas; the cause has not yet been determined.”

“Are cruise ships floating petri dishes?”

And this article appeared on 1-31-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-glossy

Full story here.

“Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).”

“In other news, Royal Caribbean announced it will be changing the name of its liners to “Traveling Petri Dish” to more fully covey the breadth of experience people will enjoy.”

Coincidence? I think not. Blatant theft of factual reality? Quite likely. Journalistic untegrity? Quite clearly. They didn’t even cite us as a source.

Need I say more?

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Posted in Health, Internets TubesComments Off

U.S. Military Takes Back Internet After Realizing The Frankenstein Their Creation Has Become..

U.S. Military Takes Back Internet After Realizing The Frankenstein Their Creation Has Become..

The U.S. Military, the true originator of the Internet, has had enough of the shenanigans it has become and is taking it [the internet] back.

“It was never meant to be the big circus that it is now.” stated General I. Standtall, speaking on behalf of the American Armed Services.

“It was intended as a simple means for us to communicate secretly within a military field of intelligence. Since we let it get out of our hands it has devolved into a morass of anti-intelligence.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, War Zone4 Comments

An Open Letter To  GN And Contributors

An Open Letter To GN And Contributors

Risking open rebellion from artists and maybe the admin, I’d like to make a suggestion.

This site needs a writers forum where contributors can discuss submitted articles and make suggestions to improve our skills.

I’m not a polished writer and I know many experienced satirists might be able to help me to improve my craft and product. I would be immeasurably grateful if the admin created a writers only section where I, and everyone else, could benefit from the collective knowledge and wisdom of others.

Just sayin’…

EDITOR’S NOTE: This feature already exists, but it was mothballed years ago due to inactivity. If there’s a desire by the author’s to re-instate it, share your thoughts in the comments below and and I’ll get it worked back into the system.

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Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes8 Comments

Glossy News Authors: Are You Unable to Login?

I was emailed by three authors having trouble logging in due to our overly aggressive Spam filter. Are you able to login? Shoot me an email either way, if you have a minute.

I’ve tweaked the settings to hopefully resolve the issue, but I have no way of knowing from my end without authors letting me know.

Use the CONTACT page or my direct email (you probably have it.)

Sorry for the issue and thanks for your patience.

–Brian

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Posted in Internets Tubes3 Comments

Man Sues Porn Industry for making Sex Boring

Man Sues Porn Industry for making Sex Boring

Dateline: LOS ANGELES–Eduard Garbanzo, a plumber and avid consumer of internet pornography, is suing several top producers of porn for having made sex commonplace and boring.

“There’s too much nudity on the internet,” he protests. “They’ve saturated the market, those pornographers. I mean, how many times can you look at a naked person and still get aroused? How many giggling breasts and buttocks can you watch before you get tired of it all? Sooner or later, the whole thing just bores you to tears.”

Mr. Garbanzo is 27 and he grew up in an age when business on the internet began to boom, when pornography became no longer rare or hidden, but has been made available even to early teens at the touch of a few buttons. As Mr. Garbanzo says, “It used to be you’d have to sneak into the basement and root around for your father’s hidden stash of nudie magazines. And then you’d have to make do with the model that happened to be featured in those pages and with however she chose to pose herself.
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Posted in Human Interest, Internets Tubes2 Comments

January 2014 GlossyNews Winners Announced

January 2014 GlossyNews Winners Announced

January GlossyNews Winners Announced
We have the best satire staff in the game and it’s with glee I announce the winners of our January contest.

There was a delay in the announcement caused by, you know, let’s say “factors.” A couple are legit, plus also just being busy. Anticipation is a good thing, right?

I can tell you the final decision for the two judge’s choice awards wasn’t easy, but in keeping with tradition, it’s sure to ruffle a few feathers. But you’ll read about how rufflesome momentarily. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes6 Comments

Beautiful Netizen People Burn Butterfly Collector At The Stake

Beautiful Netizen People Burn Butterfly Collector At The Stake

A woman butterfly collector who had the arrogance to write an article describing her honest if not sophomoric and misunderstood anxiety over seeing a chubby black woman at her yoga class has been hunted down, bound, blindfolded and burned at the stake by beautiful netizen people who happened to be without sin.

Non writer Jen Polachek posing under the psuedonym Jen Caren was prompted by an editor at the popular cat-lady in training website XOJANE to write an article about her recent yoga/chubby black woman experience and how as a privileged racist white bitch she should be ashamed of herself and maybe slit her wrists. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Internets Tubes4 Comments

The Best GlossyNews Stories of December, 2013

The Best GlossyNews Stories of December, 2013

We put out $275 in cash prizes for top authors last month, and while nobody beat the top archive stories, we still handed out an additional three cash prizes.

We set out three prizes. One for the top-read article, one for the “funniest” article, and one as a “judges choice,” but we paid out a total of six awards.

Well, we’ll never do that again. Funniest? Throw myself into a volcano before I try to judge such an arbitrary metric again. So many killer entries, how am I supposed to pick? Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Internets Tubes5 Comments

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