Jerry Springer’s Soul Begs for Release
It has been over 20 years since Jerry Springer’s soul got her first taste of trash TV. She has finally had enough, saying that she’s so over sitting idly by while her host whores himself out on national television. Finally…
What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The Super Bowl
Far beyond the reaches of normal men’s consciousnesses there exists a part of the etheric worlds where what could have been still can be. All events as remembered by the minds of men are not held fast in memories lock,…
Really Good Hoagie Makes Man Briefly Forget His Inevitable Death
GARY, IN—While eating at his neighborhood Quizno’s Wednesday, local man Gene Lisowski spoke with reporters about the fact that he completely forgot the inescapable reality of his own death while eating a turkey club hoagie. Lisowski described the sandwich that…
Common Courtesy Rules for the 21st Century
Let’s face it. We’re all busy. Life now is much harder than it was back in the days before cell phones, the internet and Roomba vacuum cleaning robots. There’s barely enough time in the day to update our Facebook status,…
Seeking Alternatives to Lethal Injection, States Consider Guillotine, Bear Mauling
Assville, Missouri — On the heels of an execution gone disturbingly wrong in Ohio, states are pondering more modern ways to execute death row inmates. McGuire was convicted of brutally raping and murdering a pregnant newlywed. The Ohio execution of…
Ghost of Reagan Appears; Apologizes for Trickle Down Economics
It is said that Ronald Reagan haunts the White House, and a visitor to the stately home has come forward to bring a message from Reagan beyond the grave. “He says he’s sorry for advocating trickle-down economics, and if he…
The Best GlossyNews Stories of December, 2013
We put out $275 in cash prizes for top authors last month, and while nobody beat the top archive stories, we still handed out an additional three cash prizes. We set out three prizes. One for the top-read article, one…
Sean “Hey-Diddly-Ho” Combs Builds a Revolting New Station
Mere days after sobering up from an embarrassing appearance at the Golden Globe awards, Sean “Bo Diddley” Combs along with MTV VP Andy “Boom Shak-A-Lack-A” Schon have put together a revolutionary new channel called Revolt, geared at music fans. Revolt…
Is Duck Dynasty’s Goose Finally Cooked?
The once-popular A&E Reality Television show Duck Dynasty is slowly sinking into oblivion as more and more people are coming out of their down-filled slumber and realizing the show does nothing more than glorify redneck values. (Hey, wait a minute….
Duck Dynasty Being Sold Down the River by Ming Dynasty
Hey, Duck Dynasty. China called. They want you to pick up the boatload of crap souvenirs you ordered last month. Duck Dynasty paraphernalia isn’t flying off Walmart shelves anymore, which means that the warehouse that had once housed only (made…