Posted on 05 September 2014.
After a lull of a few years, Pat Robertson has put his theometerology hat back on again.
Yes… Pastor Pat has yet another new theory to contribute for why the USA has experienced extreme weather conditions in recent years.
How so? Well, it turns out that God is just not a Belieber.
“Well… I don’t want to say for sure whether the Lord is punishing the USA because of this fine young man’s singing.
“I mean, I’m not gonna tell you to whom you shall listen and to whom you shall not. That is your choice, but I will just say this…
“Yes, if there is a nation in this world where certain young men wander from venue to venue and make these shrill demonic sounds, and no-one is there to say, “Hey, the People of God are not standing for this…
“Well, I’m not gonna be dogmatic… and say that the Lord is sending extreme weather conditions for this cause. But nevertheless, oftentimes the thought has indeed occurred to some good solid Christian folks… well, I will leave it to you to decide what you think.” (Sorry, my ™ button just broke).
But these comments have enraged several theological experts of a more liberal religious bent.
“No, no, no!” says Nancy Pelosi. “That’s not the God I worship! How cruel! I mean, hating on Bieber! No way!”
Oprah Winfrey concurs: “I mean, I’m with you Pelosi, I’m pretty vague on what God I worship, but it sure isn’t that one!”
Pelosi and Oprah’s views are by no means unrepresentative among those of a more clerical background:
“Shame on this man!” thunders mild-mannered Episcopalian John Shelby Spong, spitting fire and brimstone:
“I mean, for shame! This is why so many people think God is a murderous tyrant. A world without catchy pop-tunes, that would be Hell on Earth! Not being opportunistic here; but you see what I mean about Heaven and Hell being on this earth and not some far-off beyond?”
And even Bill O’Reilly, a Traditional Catholic™, is absolutely livid at the Pastor’s words:
“You know what! I have absolutely no idea why Pastor Robertson said that. Right? It’s unbelievable! It’s incredible! Just incredible…
“I mean, if God wanted to punish us for that kid, and make the punishment fit the crime, he would just have flattened this whole continent with a snap of his fingers!”
However, Pope Francis has rebuked Pelosi (again) for bringing the Church’s name into disrepute:
“Of course I agree that Justin Bieber’s music is an abomination,” says His Holiness, with the utmost gravity. “Why would God not think so too?”