NASHVILLE, Tennessee (GlossyNews) — In 2008 Nickelback had higher favorability ratings than Bush. Obama was more liberal, loved, and idealistic than famed hippy douchebag John Lennon. Ted Kennedy, best remembered for choosing his political career over a woman’s life, was still alive. John “Pork Barrell” Murtha was still passing out political favors like a candy dealing pervert in an Astro Van. Continue Reading

MUNICH, Germany (GlossyNews) — U2 front man Bono underwent emergency back surgery on May 21, 2010, while preparing for the American leg of the band’s “360 Degree” international tour. U2, having sold an estimated 150 million records, is arguably the world’s most successful band. Any significant disruption to the concert series would deal a heavy blow to both fans and Live Nation, the promotions company responsible for handling U2’s merchandising, touring and branding rights. Continue Reading

TEXARKANA, TX (GlossyNews) — Thousands of angry fans flooded the phone lines and email servers of MTV/Electronic Arts and its retailers with complaints over today’s release of the eagerly anticipated “Rock Band – Def Leppard Edition” game. The issue stems from a perceived design flaw in the drum kit. Continue Reading

OSHKOSH, WI (GlossyNews) — A local 18-year-old, Mark Edwards, was ejected from the Life Fest Christian Rock Festival this past weekend for displaying a rude gesture during one of the band’s performances.

“I was watching Crossroads, and man, they we’re tearing it up!” Edwards told the press. “I was so into it, and before I knew it, I made the devil horns sign with my hand.” Continue Reading

LONDON, U.K. (GlossyNews) — Elton John, no stranger to controversy, made news again this week when he called Jesus of Nazareth gay in an interview with Parade Magazine. The statement angered many practicing Christians around the world. Catholic League President Bill Donohue said John’s claim implies that “the Messiah was a person who preached water and drank wine.” But Donohue also commented that it would be pointless to ask for an apology. Continue Reading

LONDON, UK (GlossyNews) — Alternative music pioneers Morrissey and Johnny Marr, co-founders of The Smiths, have announced the long-awaited reunion of the band.

The Smiths were an English rock group formed in Manchester in 1982, driven by the songwriting partnership of Steven Morrissey (vocals) and Johnny Marr (guitar). Continue Reading

HAZLEHURST, MS (GlossyNews) — Sources close to GlossyNews confirm that today one of the most influential voices in Delta Blues has gone to heaven. Or so we hope.

The oldest child of sharecroppers Sam and Thelma Johnson, “Deaf Willie” never let his disability hold him back. According to his sister, Sandra Johnson-Morgenstern, a vice president who oversees new acquisition leverage at Goldman Sachs, Willie enjoyed all forms of music from an early age, even though he couldn’t hear any of it. Continue Reading

NEWNAN, GA — In a report issued by the Institute of Southern Studies, teachers in the South have become the largest casualties of the recession. According to researchers, the study “finds that many schools, especially in the South, are slashing school budgets – and teacher positions – in the wake of the recession.” The three states expected to make the deepest cuts in education are Georgia, Florida and North Carolina. Even more troubling for Georgia is that the state received a “C” on a national report card grading the effectiveness of its charter schools. This news was released December 7, 2009. It marks the second consecutive year that Georgia has received this grade. Continue Reading

NEW YORK, NY – American rapper Lil Wayne was saved from prison by the teeth figuratively and literally. Born Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., the spoken word artiste, spoke to the media about the dramatic turn of events.

“Jus’ a couple days ago, I was cussin’ at this mothafuckin’ naggin’ pain. Where’s my fuckin’ .44, heheh, damn!!” he said. Continue Reading

LOS ANGELES, California — Singer Katy Perry and British comedian Russell Brand have been on the fast track to marriage since last fall, according to reports. On December 31, their engagement became official.

Because neither Perry nor Brand has unique appeal or what might be considered passable talent, they both rely on shock tactics, unconventional demeanor and public antics to maintain their celebrity status. Continue Reading

This article was written and published as a satire on the fiscal state of wasteful celebrities, specifically Nicolas Cage, who has earned vast fortunes but still went broke. We learned that some have taken this farce as fact, but wish to set the record straight. This story IN NO WAY reflects upon Mr. Morrison and he has NOT filed for bankruptcy. He was simply chosen because his music has remained timelessly brilliant throughout the decades.

DUBLIN – Irish singer and curmudgeon Van Morrison has filed for bankruptcy in Irish Bankruptcy Court, according to a notice published on his official website today. The famously gruff singer-songwriter informed his fans that he has debts of 652 million € and assets of only 40 million € yet he stopped short of accepting responsibility for his financial meltdown. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) has fingered consumers who play CDs repeatedly as “the single greatest threat” to recording industry profits. The industry watchdog group is suggesting, therefore, that record labels take steps to limit the number of times a CD can be played in the home. Continue Reading

Miami Beach FL (GlossyNews) – As the great Jerry Lee Lewis once sang: “Too much love drives a man insane.” Tiger Woods took a page from the Killer’s book last week and finished recording his own solo album.

The 14 track CD, tentatively titled ‘Can’t Tame This Tiger’, includes his renditions of a number of classic hits such as “Teddy Bear”, “Shot Through The Heart”, “You’re All I’ve Got Tonight”, “Satisfaction”, Continue Reading

Billy Bob Thornton is an Oscar winning writer and Oscar nominated actor, though he’s perhaps best known for his position as the one-time daddy figure husband of Angelina Jolie. He’s also known by literally hundred of the world’s citizens as the powerhouse behind the hillbilly fusion band “The Boxmasters”. Following a particularly humiliating interview on CBC’s Radio Show “Q”, The Boxmasters have been booed off stage and canceled the balance of their Canada tour. Not because of the music, mind you, but because of something much worse. Continue Reading

LONDON, England — Pop singer Britney Spears’ breasts are at the center of an unprecedented event in the world of live performance- mass head explosion. During a recent concert at London’s Prince Albert Hall, Spears lifted her arms quickly, forcing her ever-expanding bra-less breasts to burst out of her excessively tight shirt. Although the succulent bosoms were exposed for only seconds, the indescribable lust felt by 2,590 males gazing upon the breasts resulted in the simultaneous exploding of all their heads. Continue Reading

CINCINNATI – Jason Meyer, a reasonably intelligent 28-year-old who often masturbates as he watches music videos on MTV and VH1, has begun to like much of the music the cable networks play. Continue Reading

After months of inflationary pressure and exterior expansion, sources close to J-Lo’s ass are reporting the beefy rump intends to secede from the main body of Ms. Lopez. Continue Reading