Posted in Human Interest

Man Ordering Drink With Meal Undoubtedly Reincarnation Of Gluttonous Roman Emperor

BETHESDA, MD—In an obscene display of wanton excess, local restaurant patron Don Mayhew stunned onlookers as he openly indulged himself in the extravagance of a soft drink along with his meal, disdainfully eschewing the common man’s glass of ice water….

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial Society

Choosing the Right Store Brand Ointment is Tough, For Life is Fleeting

By Guest Writer Bill Edgecomb What is this life but a single blink of the eye of an ever-expanding universe? Why do we itch? Is existence itching, the cause of which is the desire for ointment? Are we to just…

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Posted in Making Headlines

Guilt-Stricken Woman Slips Husband Antidote

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Posted in Making Headlines

Plastic Fork Makes Valiant Effort

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Posted in Travel World News

Breaking: Glossy News to Feature Malaysia Flight 370 Article

GN Corporate Headquarters—After waiting long enough for someone, anyone, to address the issue that was clearly a major, current topic, Glossy News has finally caved in and decided to break their deafening silence regarding Malaysia Flight 370. “I just know…

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Posted in Biz News

Pathetic Résumé Supercharged by Plastic Folder

ANAHEIM, CA—The offices of Walworth and Rhodes were gut-punched with excitement upon seeing that an applicant’s otherwise completely unimpressive résumé had been placed inside a plastic folder. With a work history that made him an unequivocal leper in the job…

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Posted in Society

Newborn Could Face up to 75 Years

According to sources, newborn Daniel Briggs could face up to 75 years. For the duration of his sentence, he is to live in an environment where people are known to be arbitrarily cruel, outrageously hypocritical and condemn others on the…

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Posted in Society

Little Boy Disguises Self as Grown Man for Party

KNOXVILLE, TN—In an attempt to blend in, local barista Wes Dinkins assumed the identity of an adult human being for the duration of a recent social gathering. Stifling his enthusiasm about video games and how often he plays them, he…

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Posted in Health Opinion/Editorial

I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra

Guest writer Doug Fedler Call me crazy, but I just don’t like the idea of having tubes inserted into my urethra. I guess everyone’s got their quirks. Maybe my thinking is a little cluttered since I’m about to have my…

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Posted in Human Interest

Really Good Hoagie Makes Man Briefly Forget His Inevitable Death

GARY, IN—While eating at his neighborhood Quizno’s Wednesday, local man Gene Lisowski spoke with reporters about the fact that he completely forgot the inescapable reality of his own death while eating a turkey club hoagie. Lisowski described the sandwich that…

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Posted in Making Headlines

Crippling Self-Doubt Prevents Man From Failing at Lifelong Dream

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip Education

Professor Astounds Crowd with Staggering Ignorance of Pop Culture

SAINT PAUL, MN—Speaking before a mesmerized audience at Hamline University Thursday, Professor Malcolm Forsythe floored the crowd with his complete and utter lack of knowledge regarding even the vaguest details of anything going on in recent pop culture. Stunned students…

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Posted in Human Interest

Parents Nationwide Update Children on Latest Things to Worry About

ACROSS THE NATION—Upon arriving at their parents’ house, sources confirmed they were greeted by their mother with the words, “Glad to see you made it. We’re always hearing about vehicle recalls on the news and you never know what might…

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Posted in Society

Guy Wearing Funny T-Shirt Must be Funny

SPOKANE, WA—Upon seeing local vending machine assembler Paul Drummond walking down the sidewalk Tuesday, onlookers concluded that Drummond was funny based on the fact that he was wearing a humorous t-shirt. “Why else would he be wearing a shirt like…

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Posted in Human Interest

Dad Waits for Break in Dialogue to Repeat Line

FORT WORTH, TX—While watching an action adventure film with his family Sunday evening, local father Lou Burkley waited briefly for the film’s dialogue to subside, giving him the window of opportunity to say out loud a line he deemed worthy…

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Posted in Science

Study: Looking at Spider Images Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Spider Encounter

ATLANTA, GA—Researchers at Georgia State University have found conclusive evidence that each time an individual looks at any image depicting a spider, the odds of one being nearby and currently approaching them “just skyrocket.”

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Posted in Politics

Subspecies’ Ears Slowly Forming into Mouths

WASHINGTON—Scientists announced Monday that the subspecies rabia hospes interruptus is projected to undergo radical physical changes in response to their environment and need for survival. “Basically, to continue their way of life, these creatures are forced to protect themselves from…

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos

Man Flicking Hair off Kindle Screen Plunges Self Right into IMDb Spoilers Section

BOISE, ID—While browsing the Internet Movie Database on his Kindle Saturday evening, transit vehicle inspector Ted Coakley reportedly set out to remove a hair from the screen of the device by flicking it, causing him to plummet well into the…

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Posted in Society

Nation’s Evil Clowns Rally Against Murderous Stereotype

ANN ARBOR, MI—In response to recent stirs caused by the “Northampton Clown,” several members of the group Sensible Tricksters Against Bias gathered in the parking lot of an Ann Arbor area Home Depot to promote awareness that not all evil…

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Posted in Society

Study Confirms Every Slight Embarrassment from Middle School to Haunt You on Your Deathbed

COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a recent study from the University of Maryland, an overwhelming majority of patients on their deathbed were consumed by every single slightly embarrassing or awkward moment from their middle school years. Highly distraught over each and…

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Posted in Human Interest

Local Man Heartbreakingly Proficient at Preparing Single Serving Frozen Dinners

DENVER—Resident mortgage loan processing clerk Gordon Holcomb discussed with reporters on Tuesday the fact that he has become highly skilled at microwaving frozen dinners intended exclusively for a forlorn, solitary soul. Correspondents winced as Holcomb described in excruciating detail the…

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Posted in Science

Laying Off Researchers a Bad Idea, Confirm Researchers

WASHINGTON—Amid news that federal budget cuts are set to cause a number of additional layoffs in the fields of research and science, several reports surfaced asserting that such cuts are “really not a good idea” and to “not do that.”…

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Posted in Internets Tubes

Local Man Subjects Self to Sick Experiment

CINCINNATI, OH—In an act that can only be described as some kind of emotional masochism, David Lauder, resident single, recently created a profile on a popular website intended for dating. The so-called “dating website” is a service that allows users,…

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Posted in Travel

Delta Passenger Relieved Pilot Named Wendell

THE SKY—While onboard Delta flight 326 field sales representative and coach passenger Herman Adler reported the fact that he experienced a feeling of relief upon learning that the pilot’s name was Wendell. “Sounds like a level-headed guy,” said Adler. Adler…

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Posted in Human Interest

Friend Just Hasn’t Been the Same Since He Won That Free Pepsi

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Colorado Springs resident Wayne Gallaway reported earlier today that his friend, Spencer Buckner, has let the fact that Buckner won a free Pepsi from the bottle cap of another Pepsi go completely to his head. “I just don’t…

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