Man Ordering Drink With Meal Undoubtedly Reincarnation Of Gluttonous Roman Emperor

BETHESDA, MD—In an obscene display of wanton excess, local restaurant patron Don Mayhew stunned onlookers as he openly indulged himself in the extravagance of a soft drink along with his meal, disdainfully eschewing the common man’s glass of ice water.

Witnesses reported the hedonistic Mayhew’s request of a Diet Coke drew immediate comparisons to Emperor Aulus Vitellius (AD 15-69), the infamously gluttonous Roman ruler, even convincing some that he was the very reincarnation of him. Read more Man Ordering Drink With Meal Undoubtedly Reincarnation Of Gluttonous Roman Emperor

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Choosing the Right Store Brand Ointment is Tough, For Life is Fleeting

By Guest Writer Bill Edgecomb

What is this life but a single blink of the eye of an ever-expanding universe?

Why do we itch?

Is existence itching, the cause of which is the desire for ointment?

Are we to just wait for an itch to subside; like so many before us who have merely avoided risk to extend the length of their lives at the cost of truly living?

RIGHT: Image by Canon_Rebel_User via Flickr (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

These and many other questions come to mind when one embarks on the arduous journey of finding effective yet affordable itch relief. Read more Choosing the Right Store Brand Ointment is Tough, For Life is Fleeting

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Breaking: Glossy News to Feature Malaysia Flight 370 Article

GN Corporate Headquarters—After waiting long enough for someone, anyone, to address the issue that was clearly a major, current topic, Glossy News has finally caved in and decided to break their deafening silence regarding Malaysia Flight 370.

“I just know we were all thinking about it, but for what seemed like an eternity, not a single article about the missing jetliner had been suggested or appeared on our site. The wait for someone to address this was agonizing,” said an anonymous employee. Read more Breaking: Glossy News to Feature Malaysia Flight 370 Article

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Pathetic Résumé Supercharged by Plastic Folder

ANAHEIM, CA—The offices of Walworth and Rhodes were gut-punched with excitement upon seeing that an applicant’s otherwise completely unimpressive résumé had been placed inside a plastic folder.

With a work history that made him an unequivocal leper in the job market, applicant Kirk Scheer had little choice other than to resort to the plastic folder. Read more Pathetic Résumé Supercharged by Plastic Folder

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Newborn Could Face up to 75 Years

According to sources, newborn Daniel Briggs could face up to 75 years.

For the duration of his sentence, he is to live in an environment where people are known to be arbitrarily cruel, outrageously hypocritical and condemn others on the basis of race, lifestyle, gender, nationality, beliefs and status.

During his stretch, Briggs is likely to get the idea that he will be better off if he succumbs to the pressure of participating in a ritual to swear allegiance to others, namely to one person for the rest of his life. Read more Newborn Could Face up to 75 Years

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Little Boy Disguises Self as Grown Man for Party

KNOXVILLE, TN—In an attempt to blend in, local barista Wes Dinkins assumed the identity of an adult human being for the duration of a recent social gathering.

Stifling his enthusiasm about video games and how often he plays them, he “totally tricked them into thinking [he] was an actual adult with important thoughts and everything.” Read more Little Boy Disguises Self as Grown Man for Party

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I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra

Guest writer Doug Fedler

Call me crazy, but I just don’t like the idea of having tubes inserted into my urethra. I guess everyone’s got their quirks.

Maybe my thinking is a little cluttered since I’m about to have my appendix taken out.

I did a little digging on the subject and found out that sometimes they use a catheter. It’s a tube that helps you pee. Read more I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra

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Really Good Hoagie Makes Man Briefly Forget His Inevitable Death

GARY, IN—While eating at his neighborhood Quizno’s Wednesday, local man Gene Lisowski spoke with reporters about the fact that he completely forgot the inescapable reality of his own death while eating a turkey club hoagie.

Lisowski described the sandwich that caused the certitude that he would one day be a lifeless, decomposing vessel to simply slip his mind as “real tasty.” Read more Really Good Hoagie Makes Man Briefly Forget His Inevitable Death

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Professor Astounds Crowd with Staggering Ignorance of Pop Culture

SAINT PAUL, MN—Speaking before a mesmerized audience at Hamline University Thursday, Professor Malcolm Forsythe floored the crowd with his complete and utter lack of knowledge regarding even the vaguest details of anything going on in recent pop culture.

Stunned students and visitors alike sat with mouths agape in awed admiration as he listed various figures and subjects with a dignified distance that most of them could only dream of. Read more Professor Astounds Crowd with Staggering Ignorance of Pop Culture

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Parents Nationwide Update Children on Latest Things to Worry About

ACROSS THE NATION—Upon arriving at their parents’ house, sources confirmed they were greeted by their mother with the words, “Glad to see you made it. We’re always hearing about vehicle recalls on the news and you never know what might happen, what with people’s brakes failing left and right and whatnot.”

Mere seconds after additional sources walked in the front door for Thanksgiving, the sources’ father, Vernon, said, “Do you know how many houses burned down last year alone from ovens just like that? Terrible.” Read more Parents Nationwide Update Children on Latest Things to Worry About

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Guy Wearing Funny T-Shirt Must be Funny

SPOKANE, WA—Upon seeing local vending machine assembler Paul Drummond walking down the sidewalk Tuesday, onlookers concluded that Drummond was funny based on the fact that he was wearing a humorous t-shirt.

“Why else would he be wearing a shirt like that?” said Julie Eubanks, who saw the comical t-shirt-clad Drummond in person.

For decades, funny people have communicated this fact by the selection of their clothing, namely amusing t-shirts, say experts. Drummond, being no exception, tells the world of his hilarity by donning a shirt that takes a reference from a popular science fiction movie and applies it to life in general. Read more Guy Wearing Funny T-Shirt Must be Funny

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Dad Waits for Break in Dialogue to Repeat Line

FORT WORTH, TX—While watching an action adventure film with his family Sunday evening, local father Lou Burkley waited briefly for the film’s dialogue to subside, giving him the window of opportunity to say out loud a line he deemed worthy of repeating.

Seizing the moment, Burkley uttered the now famous words, “We’re gonna need more chairs.”

RIGHT: Image by amyfry2000 via Flickr (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

At the time of this writing, the context of the line remains unclear. Read more Dad Waits for Break in Dialogue to Repeat Line

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Study: Looking at Spider Images Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Spider Encounter

ATLANTA, GA—Researchers at Georgia State University have found conclusive evidence that each time an individual looks at any image depicting a spider, the odds of one being nearby and currently approaching them “just skyrocket.” Read more Study: Looking at Spider Images Dramatically Increases Likelihood of Spider Encounter

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Subspecies’ Ears Slowly Forming into Mouths

WASHINGTON—Scientists announced Monday that the subspecies rabia hospes interruptus is projected to undergo radical physical changes in response to their environment and need for survival.

“Basically, to continue their way of life, these creatures are forced to protect themselves from the dangers of listening to opposing opinions in favor of more effectively clobbering others with their own,” said scientist Colleen Saunders of the overbearing political commentator subgroup.

RIGHT: A depiction of what experts expect the completed transformation to look like. Images by World Affairs Council of Philadelphia, sebas and hectore via Flickr. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

Saunders also pointed out that this subspecies previously relied on expressing their opinions with careful, measured screaming. Read more Subspecies’ Ears Slowly Forming into Mouths

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Man Flicking Hair off Kindle Screen Plunges Self Right into IMDb Spoilers Section

BOISE, ID—While browsing the Internet Movie Database on his Kindle Saturday evening, transit vehicle inspector Ted Coakley reportedly set out to remove a hair from the screen of the device by flicking it, causing him to plummet well into the spoilers section of trivia he was in the middle of reading.

“I just froze,” said Coakley. Read more Man Flicking Hair off Kindle Screen Plunges Self Right into IMDb Spoilers Section

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Nation’s Evil Clowns Rally Against Murderous Stereotype

ANN ARBOR, MI—In response to recent stirs caused by the “Northampton Clown,” several members of the group Sensible Tricksters Against Bias gathered in the parking lot of an Ann Arbor area Home Depot to promote awareness that not all evil clowns “want to kill [you].”

The group maintained that such a misconception contributed to the general assumption that the “Northampton Clown” had dire intentions. Read more Nation’s Evil Clowns Rally Against Murderous Stereotype

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Study Confirms Every Slight Embarrassment from Middle School to Haunt You on Your Deathbed

COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a recent study from the University of Maryland, an overwhelming majority of patients on their deathbed were consumed by every single slightly embarrassing or awkward moment from their middle school years.

Highly distraught over each and every fiber of social discomfort during these formative years, individuals who were knowingly nearing the edge of their very existence on this planet could think of little else other than minor gaffes that occurred in front of their peers often decades earlier. Read more Study Confirms Every Slight Embarrassment from Middle School to Haunt You on Your Deathbed

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Local Man Heartbreakingly Proficient at Preparing Single Serving Frozen Dinners

DENVER—Resident mortgage loan processing clerk Gordon Holcomb discussed with reporters on Tuesday the fact that he has become highly skilled at microwaving frozen dinners intended exclusively for a forlorn, solitary soul.

Correspondents winced as Holcomb described in excruciating detail the way he is able to heat each sad meal for the exact amount of time so that it turns out “just right.” Read more Local Man Heartbreakingly Proficient at Preparing Single Serving Frozen Dinners

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