Assville, Missouri — On the heels of an execution gone disturbingly wrong in Ohio, states are pondering more modern ways to execute death row inmates.
McGuire was convicted of brutally raping and murdering a pregnant newlywed. The Ohio execution of Dennis McGuire took nearly 25 minutes and was criticized by many for its apparent lack of efficacy, since the inmate gasped and gurgled for breath for what seemed an eternity.
Never ones to be cruel to the disenfranchised, Republicans in the Missouri state House introduced a bill Friday that would open the door to other methods of execution, with special considerations given to the Guillotine, bear mauling, and “being rendered asunder by a pack of hungry dogs.”
These methods, Republicans argue, are less costly, more certain, and about roughly as humane.
“This is exciting,” said Rick Brattin, the Missouri Representative who authored the bill.
“I really like the idea of the Guillotine and I want to see if it is true that the head can still function after decapitation. You know, can it wink, talk, or smile?”
Missouri Republican Senator Brian Nieves agrees, “The drug companies don’t like selling to us, for some strange reason.”
Representative Brattin quickly jumped in, “That’s another thing, this can become a very profitable venture for the state. We can hold all executions in Arrowhead Stadium and sell tickets. Arrowhead, hmm, that has a nice ring to it.
“This will be the hottest ticket in town. We will pack the house; maybe even make this a major television event. The possibilities are endless. Maybe introduce a gladiator style Man vs. Bear event. Or save money by not feeding police dogs for a week and let them have at him.”
When asked if the benzo-opiate cocktail might be more humane, since it is believed to shut off the brain prior to death, despite the appearance at the execution, Brattin paused before stating:
“Any Democrat that stands in our way is standing in the way of jobs, as this would generate thousands of jobs. Hot dog and beer vendors, t-shirt sales, and just people coming into Kansas City staying at our many fine hotels and dining in any number of our great restaurants,” he said, making a sweeping gesture with his left arm.
Other Missouri lawmakers agree that maybe it is time for a change. Following a Republican circle-jerk caucus session at the state capitol, several other execution ideas were formulated. Instead of a “boring old firing squad,” as the report stated, police sniper training could be conducted by letting death row inmates run free in the Missouri wilderness, only to be gunned down by a long-range sniper rifle.
“Maybe instead of death row, we could do ‘death room’, where we only put in enough food for half the inmates and randomly drop weapons into the cell. They already like to murder, so why not let them murder for survival. We could televise that too. The victims’ families would gladly buy that on pay-per-view.”
Duck Dynasty, your perfect execution of duck calls is outdated and unexciting. If Missouri and other states adopt alternatives to traditional ways of execution, then reality television just may get a much needed boost.
EDITOR’S NOTE: We do NOT condone the death penalty. That is the official stand of GlossyNews. This article is meant to point out the hypocrisy of our criminal justice system, and hopefully raise awareness so it may change. The author who originated this story (not the current form) asked that his name not be associated with it for fear of being taken the wrong way.
Some say it’s too soon to joke. They’re right. It’s always too soon to joke about death. The man put to death committed horrible acts and deserved to be punished. The question is whether death is the proper punishment in a civilized world. I argue that it is not.