Archive | Opinion/Editorial

My open letter to the guy crossing the street against traffic without looking up

My open letter to the guy crossing the street against traffic without looking up

Dear person who never looks up while crossing the street, no matter how much traffic there is,

Hey, how’s it going? I hope I didn’t interrupt you from anything important. Please, by all means, go ahead and finish texting LOL to your friend Brad. Don’t forget the smiley face emoticon. Your text is far more important than anything I have to discuss with you. I’ll wait……… Done yet? Super.

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself. You see, I’m the guy whose car almost creamed you earlier today when you walked into traffic against the light and never once looked up. I doubt you remember me.

I can imagine it must have been hard to hear my horn blaring or my brakes screeching to avoid hitting you, what with that AC / DC song playing on your iPod at 175 decibels. I could hear them rocking away from inside my car with my windows up. I have to say, excellent choice in music, dude. Can’t go wrong with Highway to Hell – a classic.

You know, when I was young, I was taught that the center of the solar system was the sun. I now realize that my teacher lied to me – because clearly the solar system revolves around an eight-inch space between those earbuds of yours.

Okay, so technically I may have had the “legal” right of way over you, seeing as the light was green for me, and you had that annoying, flashing DON’T WALK sign that you probably missed since it didn’t flash on your cell phone. But hey, who has time to read street signs when they’re busy checking out their Facebook page, am I right?

Anyhoo, what I was trying to say is I apologize. I’m deeply sorry if my car’s front bumper photobombed the Selfie you were taking. Given that my windshield was merely four feet away from your rib cage when our paths crossed, I fear I may have ruined your Snapchat moment.

I must confess, I envy you just a little. You looked so at peace – so completely unbothered by the gridlock you created for all those cars behind me trying in vain to make it through the intersection. I am in awe of your composure in the face of a long line of irate drivers who would have happily made you into a hood ornament.

A lesser person would have been intimidated at the thought of 4,000 pounds of steel bearing down on them at the speed of a hungry cheetah. But not you. You were so courageous, completely undaunted. Even the screams of the maddening crowd didn’t shake your certitude that the urban seas would part to make way for your triumphant, regal crossing. Way to make an entrance, King Cell Phone Dude.

And I simply must applaud your amazing ability to keep your eyes focused downward during your entire crossing. As I was trying in vain to get your attention, your eyes never once wandered from your cell phone screen during your entire 36-foot journey from curb to curb. I doubt a nuclear explosion could have diverted your concentration away from whatever YouTube roomba cat video you were locked in on.

Ya’ know, sometimes I find myself having to stop what I’m doing and pay attention to other people around me who insist that I observe basic courtesies of a modern society. You don’t suffer from that affliction. Not one bit. It must be nice not to have to worry about anything outside of a two-foot radius of your thumbs. What’s important to me is that you were able to saunter across the street at your own leisurely pace, without having to worry about anyone else on this planet. I am in awe of you.

I hope our paths cross again sometime. Perhaps we’ll meet on an airplane. I’ll be the guy right behind you in line waiting for fifteen minutes while you attempt to squeeze a suitcase the size of a refrigerator into the overhead compartment.

But if I know you – and I’m pretty sure I do – you won’t notice me then either. And that’s okay. Because no matter how long you make me wait for you to place your special order at the drive thru or ask the bank teller to convert your collection of 2,578 pennies into dollar bills, it’s okay. Take your time. Please don’t hurry on my account. All that matters to me – and the other 25 people in line behind you – is that you focus on the needs of Numero Uno, buddy. Act like we’re not even here. That should be easy for you to do.

On behalf of all the people in this world who are forced to wait on the outside of whatever impenetrable magic bubble you live in, I just want to say, thank you for reminding all of us that your time is more valuable than ours.

Warmest regards,

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Posted in Human Interest, Opinion/Editorial, Top Stories0 Comments

The secret to maintaining your New Year’s Resolutions…

The secret to maintaining your New Year’s Resolutions…

New Years Resolutions - the list 2017… is never to make any, of course. I mean, seriously. Just look at my track record over the past twenty years. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest, Opinion/Editorial0 Comments

My Plan to Stop Racist Bigots (A Modest Proposal)

My Plan to Stop Racist Bigots (A Modest Proposal)

I’m going to tolerate respectable MIC racism for decades and shout down anyone who starts imagining things and calling me a bigot.

Then when my racism starts turning into genuinely indecent racism, I am going to let these ignorant right-wing bigots they have REALLY crossed a line. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Opinion/Editorial0 Comments

A Mini Manifesto

A Mini Manifesto

In the first blog post I ever published on Jonathan Arts and Critique, I said:

I am:

Pro peace, not merely anti war.

Pro privacy, not merely anti state voyeurism.

Pro speech, not merely anti censorship.

Pro capitalism, not merely anti far left. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Serious Commentary0 Comments

Derailing & Fallacies Masterclass: Graduate from Yahoo Answers to Topix

Derailing & Fallacies Masterclass: Graduate from Yahoo Answers to Topix

Pol Pot’s Pleasure PWNK

I can’t stand Pol Pot because he’s really nasty. I don’t think he is my leader.

OMG!!!

Yeah but isn’t his adversary Ho Chi Minh nasty too? Would you protest if Ho Chi Minh was in power instead? Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Opinion/Editorial0 Comments

Ireland: Reproductive Agency is One Thing, Intrusive Meddling is Another

Ireland: Reproductive Agency is One Thing, Intrusive Meddling is Another

Some may feel yesterday’s piece on Amnesty International, abortion, and Ireland is flippant. I can certainly see why people might think that; but I am 100% unapologetic. However, I will now speak in a less polemical and satirical manner, and weaponize a more prosaic tone against Big Human Rights.

It might seem churlish to sneer at the ‘humanitarian interventionism’ Amnesty International is perpetrating against Irish people of all identities. ‘After all,’ some might say, ‘Isn’t your postcolonial angle a minor distraction from the most important thing, which is the rights of women, and the necessity to reform the laws in a direction that respects women’s bodily autonomy and right to reproductive agency?’ Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Serious Commentary0 Comments

Opinion: Ted Cruz is right. Why We Should Turn Away Refugees

Opinion: Ted Cruz is right. Why We Should Turn Away Refugees

In the wake of the deadly Isis terrorist attacks on Paris which killed 129 people and wounded hundreds more, the issue of whether or not to continue taking in refugees has divided us here in the United States of America, home of the free, land of the brave.

On Fox News, Senator and Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz said, “President Obama and Hillary Clinton’s idea that we should bring tens of thousands of Syrian Muslim refugees to America—it is nothing less than lunacy. On the other hand Christians who are being targeted for genocide, for persecution, Christians who are being beheaded or crucified, we should be providing safe haven to them. But President Obama refuses to do that.”

Bravo to Senator Cruz for taking such a brave and unpopular stance on such a volatile issue! Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Politics, Religionism0 Comments

The case against marriage equality for left-handed people

The case against marriage equality for left-handed people

It’s time patriotic, flag-waving Americans stand up for our God-given right to oppose any minority group that makes us feel slightly uncomfortable.

The time is now to raise arms – and legs – against the moral decay of this once great land. Join me in opposing the misguided policy of marriage equality for left-handed people. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Society0 Comments

America is the greatest nation on earth – In your FACE, Denmark

America is the greatest nation on earth – In your FACE, Denmark

On July 4th, we will once again celebrate our independence from the tyranny of England.

Those British monarchs can be so oppressive.

If it were up to Queen Elizabeth, we’d all be forced to drink Earl Grey tea with every meal.

Every year at this time, Americans proudly mark our independence with fireworks, burgers on the grill and binge drinking. And why shouldn’t we? Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Society0 Comments

Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (2/2)

Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (2/2)

Sorry, son. I know I was hard on you (and me?) last time.

Still, it’s all downhill from here, don’t worry.

6. You’re twisting my words.

OK, so you know words are subject to interpretation. That’s a start.

So why is your interpretation of your own words so important? Every time you open your mouth or set pen to paper, everyone has to focus on what you “originally meant?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Society0 Comments

Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (1/2)

Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (1/2)

Everybody knows it’s REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HARD TO BE A MAN!!!

;(

And when you’re part of a tragically oppressed subaltern group like yours, there’s no shortage of excuses for justifying your perfectly noble and laudable addiction to telling women to quit telling men what we do wrong.

Still, here’s why you/we might think twice about using these old chestnuts in future… Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Society0 Comments

“But Immigration is Complex…” Uh-uh, Not so Fast

“But Immigration is Complex…” Uh-uh, Not so Fast

Coming up to the 2015 General Election, the inflammatory rhetoric of UKIP is a worrying feature of the complex political scene in the UK.

It’s always been complex, of course…

Well, we have had politicians who have expanded the suffrage and decriminalised homosexuality. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinion/Editorial, Politics, World News1 Comment

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