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Teens in School Tour Bus Crash Catch Fire; Parents Glad it Wasn’t Aids

Teens in School Tour Bus Crash Catch Fire; Parents Glad it Wasn’t Aids

Parents of teenagers that were severely Jewed alive in the school tour bus crash in Los Angeles are now relieved from the good news that was delivered to them this week.

The smarty-pant scientists confirmed this morning that the school bus indeed caught fire and it indeed “Jewed them up real good, crispy bacon to be exact.” Jack in the Box is now extracting meat from their remains. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Society2 Comments

Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size

Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size

LAKEWOOD, OH—Jeffery Miller, a car mechanic based in the Cleveland area, is reportedly happy with the length, girth, and performance of his penis.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good, I guess,” says Miller, 36. “I’ve never had any problems with it, and my wife seems to like it all right.”

According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average American penis stands 5.6 inches when erect. Miller claims his penis is “around 6 inches,” though other data suggests his trouser schnauzer is closer to 5.2 inches. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest13 Comments

President Obama Promotes Healthcare.gov with Jackass-Style Stunt Reel

President Obama Promotes Healthcare.gov with Jackass-Style Stunt Reel

WASHINGTON, D.C.—“I’m Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States of America, and this is Jackass.”

So begins the president’s latest viral video—a 22-minute series of dangerous and immature stunts styled after the MTV show “Jackass.”

The video is a bold new attempt to convince young Americans to sign up for health insurance at Healthcare.gov before the March 31 deadline. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health2 Comments

CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas

CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas

Once again, the mainstream media has swooped in to steal our precious exclusive. We reported it first, but CNN & reality had a different idea when they took the story from the realm of satire into public consciousness.

These stories may look different, on the surface, but scratch a bit deeper and you’ll find that you’re going to get an infection by doing that. Don’t scratch at it, it only makes it worse when you do.

Wolf Blitzer, his real name, proved the mental might of CNN anchors when he appeared on celebrity Jeopardy, but we had no idea how low they would go.

This article appeared on 2-3-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-cnn

Full story here.

“The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is investigating an outbreak this week of gastrointestinal illness on Royal Caribbean’s Explorer of the Seas; the cause has not yet been determined.”

“Are cruise ships floating petri dishes?”

And this article appeared on 1-31-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-glossy

Full story here.

“Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).”

“In other news, Royal Caribbean announced it will be changing the name of its liners to “Traveling Petri Dish” to more fully covey the breadth of experience people will enjoy.”

Coincidence? I think not. Blatant theft of factual reality? Quite likely. Journalistic untegrity? Quite clearly. They didn’t even cite us as a source.

Need I say more?

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Posted in Health, Internets TubesComments Off

I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra

I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra

Guest writer Doug Fedler

Call me crazy, but I just don’t like the idea of having tubes inserted into my urethra. I guess everyone’s got their quirks.

Maybe my thinking is a little cluttered since I’m about to have my appendix taken out.

I did a little digging on the subject and found out that sometimes they use a catheter. It’s a tube that helps you pee. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Opinon/Editorial5 Comments

Latest String of Shark Attacks Leaves Baskets Empty

Latest String of Shark Attacks Leaves Baskets Empty

Willow Grove, Pennsylvania – Wait-staff at the popular restaurant chain, Olive Garden, are suffering the aftermath from a recent string of Great White Shark attacks off the New Jersey coastline as more and more breadsticks, the complimentary item served to customers with the purchase of any entrée, have been the latest victims. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Society0 Comments

Disease-Free Pee-Pee and Wee-Wee Bracelets Banned

Disease-Free Pee-Pee and Wee-Wee Bracelets Banned

I [Heart] Boobies bracelets are catching a lot of flak from adults who say their teen children shouldn’t be wearing them even if it is to promote a good cause, i.e. fighting breast cancer. And now, there are two other bracelets that are creating a stir on high school campuses.

“I [Heart] My Ha-Pee Pee-Pee” bracelets for guys and “I [Heart] My Ha-Pee Wee-Wee” bracelets for girls are actually being banned in many schools across America. The golden latex wrist bracelets were introduced into schools last week by a non-profit group who claims they are doing everything they can to bring to light the upsurge of sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) among teens. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health1 Comment

Homophobic Man struggles with his Fear

Homophobic Man struggles with his Fear

Dateline: New York—Morris Jenkins suffers from a debilitating fear of homosexuals, commonly called homophobia. When in the presence of gay people, he ceases to function.

“I remember the first time the terror struck me,” he said. “I was at work on my computer, sitting in my cubicle, and a co-worker told me he’s gay. My lower lip quivered, I screamed like I was looking into the face of Death, and I fell back away from him, landing on the floor and kicking my chair into the computer, shattering the screen.

“I turned over on my stomach and began clawing my way out of the cubicle, cutting my hands on the pieces glass, gasping for breath, and crying for help. My heart was hammering in my chest. The terrifying coworker tried to help me up and I shrieked and twisted my arm as I violently spun to avoid contact. I crab-walked out of the cubicle and ran to the opposite end of the office, clutching the wall behind me, sweating buckets and trying to catch my breath.
Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest, Strange People14 Comments

US Health and Human Services Recommends Twerking for Seniors

US Health and Human Services Recommends Twerking for Seniors

The US Health and Human Services (HHS) has issued a health advisory recommending twerking for seniors.

The advisory states “People over 50 may want to consider adding twerking exercises to their workout routines. As people age stiffer joints, slower recovery from injury and the loss of lean body mass are among the perils facing seniors.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Society2 Comments

Comfort Cooking that WON’T Give you a Heart Attack* — VIDEO

Comfort Cooking that WON’T Give you a Heart Attack* — VIDEO

Love grilled cheese but don’t care if it tastes like feet? You can have the best of neither world in this GlossyNews exclusive cooking presentation.

Really? A sandwich with healthy ingredients that tastes as good as a bacon-wrapped fried chicken cheddar pizza? Yes!

How? A little thing we call science! Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Video News6 Comments

Saga of Baby Munoz Brings Joy to the OC

Saga of Baby Munoz Brings Joy to the OC

DATELINE: Waco, TX — Many followed the tragic case of Marlise Munoz for the last 6 weeks with anxiety, anguish and great compassion.

This was an ethical dilemma wherein, under the protection of Texas law, an unborn fetus remained in gestation within the womb of a reportedly brain dead women in a Texas ICU; despite the mother’s and family’s (reportedly) contrary wishes.

The world responded with embroiled arguments and a fervent outpouring of concern from multifarious viewpoints. With great relief for Marlise’s family, she and her baby were allowed to succumb this past Sunday evening.

However, this is not a forgone issue as the dismay of many a concerned citizen remains intact, as do existing laws that buoy their bizarre concern. However, today we share the story of a brilliant young doctor from Waco, Dr. Donald Do-It Houser, who has truly risen to the occasion and shone a new ray of hope on this otherwise heart breaking story.

Dr. Houser is the brain child of “Rely on Your Assets Lifestyle Salon” or ROYALS for short, wherein he has sought to unburden the lives of women such as the heartbreakingly overextended housewives of Orange County, through simplifying the miracle of life.

These women that are typically already overwhelmed with the pangs of their demanding lifestyle have limited time for the gruesome burden of carrying a child, not to mention the emotional scarring, pain and mutilation this act can levy on a woman’s body.

In a stroke of brilliance, Dr. Houser has secured consent from the families of over 100 local comatose women of child bearing age in the great state of Texas, to act as surrogate mothers for this niche demographic.

Using state of the art in-vitro fertilization and embryo transfer with luteal support, Dr. Houser has demonstrated an almost unheard of 17% success rate of full term delivery and a 100% success rate of an effortless pregnancy.

Many critics call his service outlandish and, as with baby Munoz, have questioned the viability of a fetus in a compromised physiological environment.

But Dr. Houser is not swayed “sure that’s a valid question, but I ask instead does a government agency have the right spare an individual the right of freedom of choice? Yes! Do we know what life is well enough to just take it away when it wants to go? No! So, my point is I just give people what I think they think they want, and it’s legal.”

Dr. Houser knows he has stirred added controversy to an already hot topic, but he remains dedicated and confident “this idea of mine is brilliant and my only concern is what will I think of next.” He has had millions of hits on his posh and tech heavy website (www.neveradullmomentamongreligiousconservatives.com) and a new app wherein donor moms can monitor their surrogate’s tube feedings, diaper changes, sponge baths and urine output.

He is also working on an interactive component to the app where, with the press of a button, a donor may order an instant bedside turning to prevent pressure sores or adjust respirator settings to include popular ringtones (the latter of which is still pending approval of an institutional review board).

“My goal is for the real mother to have as much control as possible, so that she can be an integral part of the baby’s life while in utero.” He also added that he has opened a collaboration with the largest national nanny provider so that each child will have a duo of attendees assigned post-delivery, “this I hope will limit the secondary trauma that we all fear, the experience of child rearing.”

A 1000 slot waiting to be a ROYAL list filled within 40 seconds after it was announced on Twitter on midweek at 730PM PST. When queried about any design to this specific launch time Dr. Houser was quoted to say “this is a tragic part of the day, a time when many of my target audience sits in the uncomfortable silence between dinner and the start of prime time television, and I wanted them to have hope.”

In closing, Dr. Houser indicated that he is committed to the needs of what he feels is a misunderstood and evolving demographic, “my mentor (Mike Judge, actor and author of Idiocracy) understood where I am going with this endeavor, these people are our future.”

Harsh criticism continues as does an outpouring of support, thus it remains clear that, for now, Dr. Houser and people like him are here to stay. We will continue to follow this compelling story and provide new bulletins on the civil litigation and criminal charges already levied on Dr. Houser and ROYALS as they emerge, please stay tuned.

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Posted in Biz News, Health0 Comments

Royal Caribbean Granted Special Status by the CDC

Royal Caribbean Granted Special Status by the CDC

Atlanta, GA - Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).

Royal Caribbean Public Relations Director Nora Salmon said “This is a win-win for Royal Caribe, the CDC and octagenarians worldwide. Royal Caribbean gets a pass on burdensome health regulations while avoiding damaging press reports when the occasional norovirus breaks out.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Travel0 Comments

Seeking Alternatives to Lethal Injection, States Consider Guillotine, Bear Mauling

Seeking Alternatives to Lethal Injection, States Consider Guillotine, Bear Mauling

Assville, Missouri — On the heels of an execution gone disturbingly wrong in Ohio, states are pondering more modern ways to execute death row inmates.

McGuire was convicted of brutally raping and murdering a pregnant newlywed. The Ohio execution of Dennis McGuire took nearly 25 minutes and was criticized by many for its apparent lack of efficacy, since the inmate gasped and gurgled for breath for what seemed an eternity. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest5 Comments

VIDEO: Melamine? Clay? Undercover Hot Dog Factory Exposé Sheds New Light

VIDEO: Melamine? Clay? Undercover Hot Dog Factory Exposé Sheds New Light

GLOSSYNEWS.COM – In our first-ever video report, we go behind the scenes at America’s 7th or 8th largest hot dog factory. We see what really goes into one of America’s most infamous foods.

What ingredients really go in a tasty tube of, let’s call it beef? Or should we call it meat? Or maybe “meat” with quotation marks. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Video News8 Comments

Fashion Industry schemes to Punish Men by turning Women into Freaks

Fashion Industry schemes to Punish Men by turning Women into Freaks

Dateline: LOS ANGELES — More and more consumers are aware that magazines hire Photoshop artists to doctor pictures of celebrities, as part of an elaborate ritual designed to appease the celebrities’ agents and to flatter the egocentric actresses so they’ll agree to pose for more photos for those publications. Wrinkles or other skin blemishes are airbrushed out, tummies are flattened, legs lengthened. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Health0 Comments

Weed-Smoking Potlandians Debate Whether to Legalize Nicotine, Alcohol

Weed-Smoking Potlandians Debate Whether to Legalize Nicotine, Alcohol

Dateline: CANNABISTOWN, PO—In Potlandia, marijuana is legal for recreational purposes and is commonly smoked by nearly all of the adult citizens of that country, while alcohol and nicotine are banned. But the alcohol and tobacco industries regard Potlandia’s laws as discriminatory. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Religionism10 Comments

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