WASHINGTON, D.C (GlossyNews) — Americans are still too fat, but obesity rates in the United States appear to be slowing, according to newly released research.

Government data show that 68 percent of U.S. adults are considered overweight, having a body mass index of 25 or higher. A third are obese, having a body mass index of 30 or higher. Continue Reading

BALTIMORE, Maryland (GlossyNews) — The Obama Administration, in another unprecedented exercise of governmental control, has ordered the Consumer Protection Agency to implement sweeping new safety codes to protect children in shopping carts. The strict new rules will carry the force of law across America, but they are implemented by the Consumer Protection Agency – a body of appointed, not elected, officials who answer directly to the President and his cabinet.

The laws, which go into effect November 1, 2010, are designed to protect children and are based on a recent study which showed that over 24000 children are admitted to hospitals each year from accidents resulting from shopping cart incidents. While the reforms are meant to protect children, they severely hinder the rights and responsibilities of parents to control and monitor their own children’s behavior. Continue Reading

The World’s longest hair has been discovered by a good Samaritan who bought a 23 pound German chocolate cake from a group of Pentecostal ladies hosting a bake sale in front of a local department store.

The 17 foot long red hair was discovered by Joe Cook, local do-gooder and bleeding heart, after he purchased the cake sitting in a nest of cellophane covered cookies and pies withering in a heat index of 104 degrees outside the Mega-mart. Continue Reading

America’s iconic symbol of 1970’s sexual excess, who’s had more you know what than a porta-potty seat at Bonnaroo, if you know what I mean, today announced a new joint venture with ‘Magnum PI’ alum Tom Selleck.

Clinics will be established across the United States, to aid aging baby boomer males who can’t grow a decent moustache without professional help. Speaking to reporters, Reynolds said, “Yeah, whatever. Could be some money in it, we’ll see, huh? Ride it as long as it’s fun, just like Dolly Parton.” Continue Reading

WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — The thought of an approaching meteor the size of Manhattan is certain to cause anyone a fair amount of anxiety.  However, you can provide some level of comfort to your family by attempting to prepare for this once-in-a-billion-years event. 

Small objects are constantly colliding with the earth every day, and most go unnoticed.  Large meteors however will very rarely cross Earth’s orbit but one can never be too prepared for the “Big One”. 

The Federal Emergency Management Agency has released simple recommendations that will guide you in avoiding the apocalyptic devastation that astronomers tell us isn’t a matter of “if” but rather “quite possibly any day now Continue Reading

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Glossy News) — Last December, following a foiled terrorist airline attack, airports implemented full body scans, prompting many air travelers to wonder what additional security procedures they would have to endure. The wondering can stop. Yesterday, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) announced a comprehensive battery of new health care-friendly airport screenings. In addition to full body scans, air travelers will now be able to get free CAT scans, MRIs, dental cleanings and even yearly physicals while going through security. Continue Reading

Dallas, TX (GlossyNews) — A new exercise craze is sweeping America by storm. It’s not Pilates, it’s not aerobics, or any number of other workout routines on the market these days. This one is based on getting up on your feet, driving the mini-van to the nearest supermarket, and cha-cha-ing your way around the store.

It’s called “Cha-Cha-Ping” and all you need is a shopping cart, a sense of rhythm and a desire to shed pounds in a short period of time. Trish Fandeu actually stumbled upon the exercise quite by accident. Continue Reading

London, UK (GlossyNews Euro Edition) — With the release today of a study stating, that eating 5 fruit and vegetables a day has little or no impact on the majority of cancers; millions of people around the world said “Fuck this!” immediately prior to ordering the largest portion of chips they could find and plastering it in mayonnaise and tomato sauce.

The study which followed the eating habits of 470,000 participants in 10 Western European countries showed that eating the recommended 5+ a day of fruit and vegetables had minor effects on cancer and other disease. Continue Reading

Macon, GA (GlossyNews) — Intrepid FOX News reporters have uncovered a heinous Left Wing plot to do in America’s older generation. While many were declaring the hard right’s scary threats that the Left was going to let older citizens die out, it turns out that the truth is even darker yet. FOX has acquired evidence that a Democratic backed organization is spiriting Medicare and, Social Security recipients to a secret location, mass gassing them, then processing their bodies into a dog food. This pooch munch is then sold through the firm Soylent Green Really Yummie Pet Food Company. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — In response to the ass-trouncing recently inflicted by the Democrats over the Republicans over the hotly debated health care reform bill, Republicans in all levels of government held a press conferences early today in which they vowed that they would henceforth boycott all medical care facilities and handle all of their personal health care themselves, in their own home and using what they referred to as “traditional means”. Continue Reading

Kampala, Uganda (GlossyNews) — Nothing But Nets, a campaign website driven by the passion of it’s members who donate money to buy mosquito nets for African children, has reported in a finding that in most instances donated nets are cut into 4 by 6 and 10 by 10 pieces to be used respectively by children and ignorant adults as bath sponges.

The founders, who lobby hard for the children of Africa to have some protection from the deadly Malaria disease which claims about a million young lives a year, were devastated by the report. Continue Reading

Baltimore, MD (GlossyNews) — Speaking from Baltimore’s famed Holly Oaks Cemetery, last resting place of author Edgar Allen Polk, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today revealed a strategy so stunning, even seasoned Washington wonks looked up from their pools of vomit and urine at DC’s famed “Make It Look Like a Business Expense” bistro.

Pelosi, brimming with confidence, said she’s no longer pandering for the recalcitrant pro-life Dem vote; she now has the pro-unlife vote securely in her corner. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON (GlossyNews) — On February 24, 2010, former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital, three days after suffering his fifth heart attack. A spokesman said that the 69-year-old Cheney, known as “Angler” to his friends, will resume his normal schedule soon. The announcement filled those close to the family with an ironic mixture of relief and dread. “I’m glad he’s won another game of chess with the Reaper,” one friend said, “but if he’s resuming his normal schedule, we’ll soon be receiving invitations to ‘tie one on,’ pick up hitchhikers and go dove hunting; or what Dick likes to call Tuesdays.” Continue Reading

A number of web forums have been requesting articles about penis enlargement. As a public service to the readers of this website, for whom we believe there is a vast need for such information, we at Penile Dream Fulfillment are sending you this list of alternative forms for enhancing one’s assets: Continue Reading

KANSAS CITY, MO (GlossyNews) — Former Sen. Bob Dole was hospitalized briefly this week, but is recovering comfortably at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Dole is an attorney and retired United States Senator from Kansas. Today, Dole is more widely recognized as the pen-wielding erectile dysfunction advocate and spokesperson for Viagra. Continue Reading

Americans have long enjoyed a position of hard fought superiority over the rest of the world’s citizens. For centuries, Americans have both rocked and kicked ass. Just ask them. The United States is often promoted as a paragon of military prowess, economic might, moral fortitude, opportunity, and civil rights. Continue Reading

Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer Pharmaceutical claims they have developed a more potent placebo that has been proven to work better in controlled experiments than other doctor prescribed placebos.

“Our placebo has a foul taste and smell”, said Pfizer representative Peter Gruber. “Also, our placebo is more expensive than most other placebos. Continue Reading

Pat Robertson, the famed televangelist, remains hospitalized with mysterious needle-like pains that grow worse every time he mentions Haiti, earthquake or Voodoo. The medical world continues to be baffled by the odd pathology. Actor Hugh Laurie of the popular “House” series has been called in for consultation, and even he has given up after ordering tests for leprosy, elephantitis and Lyme’s disease. Continue Reading