Cabinet officer says pencil substitution now proven to reduce smoking-related deaths.

LONDON, ENGLAND —GLOSSYNEWS The UK Cabinet Office wants cigarette smokers to start biting on #2 pencils to replace the cigs they are smoking,in order to lower the numbers of deaths caused by smoking disease each year. Continue Reading

The California State Legislature has finally passed a bill banning all bacon and bacon-like products from the shelves of supermarkets and restaurants across the state in an effort to get Californians back on the healthy track. California is the first, and possibly the only state to take such drastic steps to protect its citizens from themselves. Continue Reading

A new product is hitting store shelves in the states where medical marijuana is legal. “Melting Pot” candles. The candles are made from a mixture of beeswax and potent medical marijuana and are the brainchild of Potpend Home Products.

These unique candles have been approved for use by the FDA, DEA, FDIC and NATO. Continue Reading

Today, Goofus and Gallant tackle the tricky issue of healthcare in the United States. Is it right, left or just plain wrong? Many say it is, but to which is the real question, and the answer to that is also yes.

Here weighing in on the matter with a point/counter-point is our old friends Goofus and Gallant.

While the views expressed below are solely that of the author, we might point out that they are, in fact, correct, and anyone who disagrees should post hateful rhetoric in the comments below. Continue Reading

There are many who come to our American shores think they are arriving at a Shangri-La where everyone dines off a silver spoon and delicious, filling, nutritious meals are only a refrigerator away from their satin bedecked table.

Many possessing these TV Land illusions come from places where food is still picked directly from trees or fields and are surprised to find that here it comes in colorful boxes or wrapped in plastic. Boy, are they in for a wake up call! Continue Reading

With Texas Governor Rick Perry signing a new bill requiring women to see a sonogram of their unborn baby before undergoing an abortion, into law, the nature of the abortion debate has changed nationwide.

The law in its current form requires a 24 hour waiting period and for photos of the developing fetus to be made available to the expecting mother. Governor Perry praises the law saying, “Every life lost to abortion is a tragedy we all must work together to prevent.” Continue Reading

As the few remaining Tea Party freshmen and ‘Blue dog’ Democrats who are not embroiled in sex scandals stress their fiscal hawk credentials, some say it was inevitable that Obamacare would eventually feel the heat, and not just due to an untreated infection.

Sources close to the White House say nitpicking certain provisions from the Affordable Health Care Act is nothing but political posturing, while those on the other side of the debate call them obstructionist extremists. Continue Reading

At some point in every parent’s life, there comes a time when they must explain that very fundamental but mysterious and appealing fact of life to their offspring–the sex act.

(Image courtesy of the brilliant folks at SaintGasoline.com.)

Not an easy task for anyone, including our neighbors around the world. Let’s take a look at how other nationalities, races, cultures and religions handle this most difficult of subjects to discuss with your young ones. Continue Reading

A lot of different communities have started a recycling program, commonly called “Cans for Kids.” The concept is to collect and recycle aluminum cans and have the proceeds go towards things such as children’s education.

Many of these programs have had a significant impact on education, providing college scholarships, funding arts programs and providing better quality education materials. Continue Reading

BRUSSELS – GlossyNews.com- Veggie Exporters Without Borders is appealing for calm over an E. coli outbreak that has Europeans fearing for their lives.

Now, even Russia, a country with few rules and regulations, has decided to slap a ban on vegetables from Spain and Germany, making exceptions only for the potato.

Germany is pressing to find the cause of this bacterial infection that has sickened thousands. With German anger mounting and the Fatherland on the hunt for one nation or group of people to blame, alarmists warn the E. coli outbreak could trigger a third World War.

Earlier in the week, Germany mistakenly blamed Spanish cucumbers for the E. coli outbreak, a move that outraged Spain. The German Agriculture Minister went as far as calling the Iberian gourds “low-calorie killers.”

Relations between Germany and Spain have remained sour ever since Spain beat Germany en route to winning the FIFA’s World Cup in 2010.

“Eat Your Vegetables?”

European child psychologists fear the E. coli outbreak’s long-term effects on children.

“Kids already hate vegetables and now they find out vegetables can kill you. Suddenly, a cucumber is a green missile – a salad, a toxic concoction of death,” says Dr. Helmut Krantz, the only person we could find to comment.

He believes certain children will grow into “malnourished mutants with low IQs, like ‘gypsies’” and then added something about his eugenics program.

Meantime, this particular E. coli strain has already put a strain on the Spanish tourism industry. Buñol’s world-renowned La Tomatina Festival in August has been cancelled, fearing it could quickly turn into the first ever E. coli Extravaganza.

Tulsa, OK – GlossyNews.com – In one of the more bizarre cases of alleged medical malpractice in recent years, plastic surgeon Rolando Alverez performed a complete surgical rhinoplasty (nose job) on the wrong patient at St.Sebastian’s Hospital in Tulsa OK on July 19.

“It was my first 8 AM surgical procedure and I was maybe a little drowsy,” explains Alverez. “I saw a patient with a big bulbous nose on a table in the corridor all prepped and waiting for surgery. so I naturally assumed it was my eight o’clock and I had the orderly wheel him in.” Continue Reading

Stress is the number one mental problem plaguing society today. Stress can lead to obesity, anorexia, suicide, and color T.V. Did you know that there has been a 20% increase of stress-related spontaneous combustion in April 2011 due only to rumors of Whoopi Goldberg leaving The View? Continue Reading

DENMARK (Glossynews.com International) –A new study currently underway in Denmark could prove that prolonged exposure to darkness may improve symptoms of merriment and cheer in people who are “entirely too happy.”

While the evidence is inconclusive, researchers say that the study is promising for therapists who are losing dozens of potential patients to the inherent joy and positive nature of the Danish people. Continue Reading

Parkersburg WV – GlossyNews.com – Biggie Burger Inc. of Parkersburg WV, famous for its patented 1200-calorie Gargantuan Burger, today introduced its even more massive artery-destroying Suicide Burger.

Reportedly the new menu item will be so huge customers will be provided bibs to catch falling bits of lettuce and dribs of mayonnaise as they struggle to wrap their jaws around this baby. Continue Reading

Saint Sozy, France – GlossyNews.com French paleontologists have discovered a Neanderthal cave painting said to represent hands eagerly reaching for a Big Mac, or at least proto-Big Mac, according to the journal, Ancient Discoveries.

According to Jean-Claude Bouisquet, curator of the Museum of French Archeology, the painting was found during excavation of a Neanderthal cave encampment at La Roche-Cotard, and can be reliably dated to 25,000 B.C. Continue Reading

Local doctor Rory Allen, who recently completed his residency and entered private practice as a gynecologist, declared today that he can’t get over his recent good run with the opposite sex. Bespectacled Allen, 27, who admits that he’d always been a bit of a loser with the girls, says that lately he can believe how many women are throwing themselves at him. Continue Reading