Archive | Health

Hog Farmers Proudly Sell Parts Right to the Bitter, Musky Ends

Hog Farmers Proudly Sell Parts Right to the Bitter, Musky Ends

Social media has blown up with images of an actual box of American made pork product, the “Boneless Pork Rectum, Inverted”. We take you inside this unusual treat.

Boneless means without bone. Pork is the industry term for pig products. A rectum, well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much and it’s daddy’s birthday. Oh, never mind, I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Health1 Comment

Militant Crossfit Group Claims Responsibility in Suicide Bombing of 24-Hour Fitness

Militant Crossfit Group Claims Responsibility in Suicide Bombing of 24-Hour Fitness

SAN DIEGO, CA. The brutal conflict between traditional, moderate fitness aficionados at franchise gyms and the growing radical Crossfit movement escalated tragically yesterday, as a suicide bomb exploded in a 24-Hour Fitness in the LaJolla neighborhood of San Diego, killing 5 and wounding 12.

The alleged perpetrator, Johhny “Burpee” Lawrence, 26, was a member of Crossfit Jihad, a militant fitness group known to meet in an extremist training facility, or what is called a “box” in Crossfit doctrine. Lawrence’s “box” trained in the garage of a local leader, or “coach,” Mick McAllister. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Religionism0 Comments

New Study Shows the Mexican Cartel to Be “Bunch of Homos(exuals)”

New Study Shows the Mexican Cartel to Be “Bunch of Homos(exuals)”

A new study done by the Political Association of Immigration Soldiers and American Students reveals the Mexican Cartel, the same people that love to molest its house rats (no, not their children), to be having mass intercourse with one another. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, World News0 Comments

“Yucky World” Guest Topic: Is government product safety running amok?

“Yucky World” Guest Topic: Is government product safety running amok?

Announcer: Some people believe the federal government is going overboard in its efforts to protect us from hurting ourselves. “Yucky World” talk show hosts Dick and Janey will be discussing this issue with their guest, Consumer Protection Agency representative Miss Nanny State. (Any pain and suffering caused by “Yucky World” is not the fault of the sponsor…or any of his relatives.)

Janey: Our topic for today is product safety. Are you bringing unsafe products into your home?

(RIGHT: CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE)

Dick: I cut my thumb yesterday opening a bottle of beer.

Janey: Really?

Dick: Yeah! I was using a bottle opener and it slipped.

Janey: That doesn’t sound like it was the beer’s fault.

Dick: Well, it was a twist-off cap and I couldn’t get it to twist-off.

Janey: Next time call me when you need help.

Dick: That’s okay. I’m not buying that kind of beer anymore.

Janey: Good decision, Dick. Now introduce our guest.

Dick: I’d like to welcome federal consumer advocate Miss Nanny State to our show.

Nanny: Thanks, Dick! Do either of you have a light?

Janey: I quit smoking.

Dick: I only drink beer… uh…just a little.

Nanny: No matter. I just happen to have two of the most dangerous products in the world here in my hand: a lighter and some matches.

Janey: What’s the danger, Miss Nanny?

Nanny: Children playing with them or fires accidentally starting in our pockets or purses!

Dick: I agree that these tragedies need to be prevented, but what are smokers supposed to do? Rub two sticks together?

Janey: You’d never be able to do it, Dick.

Dick: Very funny!

Nanny: No, short of banning them, I’d like to require that they be kept in little fire-proof boxes that are opened with combination locks.

Dick: That sounds awfully complicated, Miss Nanny.

Nanny: Nobody said life was supposed to be easy.

Janey: Why not put them in bottles with child-proof caps?

Nanny: Unfortunately, a lot of adults found them to be adult-proof, too.

Dick: I can identify with that.

Janey: This still sounds pretty extreme.

Nanny: I’ve brought one with me to show you. The average adult will have no trouble opening it.

Janey: Let’s give it a real test and try it on Dick.

Nanny: Him?

Janey: Sure!

Nanny: You know, I never said that all adults would be able to open it.

Janey: Oh, no! I agree. If Dick can’t open it, then we’ll have proof that it is child-proof.

Dick: I’m not sure that I like the direction this conversation is taking.

Janey: Don’t worry, Dick. I was only joking.

Dick: That’s a load off my mind.

Nanny: Couldn’t have been very heavy.

Janey: One last question. Do you think it would be possible to come up with a way to make the world safe from Dick?

Nanny: I think I’d rather try to make the world safe for democracy.

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Posted in Health, Society0 Comments

Cancer to be Rebranded the ‘Super King Slimming Disease’ by Cigarette Companies

Cancer to be Rebranded the ‘Super King Slimming Disease’ by Cigarette Companies

Court documents revealed today in a US class action have described what the big tobacco firms intend to do, now that their growing markets in the emerging economies are becoming more aware of the associated health risks of smoking.

The highly confidential meeting minutes include the admittance that claiming that it is unproven that there is a link between inhaling vast amount of addictive, toxic, carcinogenic chemicals day after day for years is hazardous to health is unproven, has now become ‘like the lack of the mention of dinosaurs in the bible, in other words somewhat difficult to defend, except of course to stupid people’. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Health0 Comments

Flo to Use Charm to ‘Perk-Up’ Obamacare

Flo to Use Charm to ‘Perk-Up’ Obamacare

Flo, the permanently perky face of Progressive Insurance, has been named new Secretary of Health and Human Services replacing outgoing HHS czar Kathleen Sebelius. President Obama made the announcement last night.

The decision was a tough one and President Obama said the choice came down to Flo or the Geico Gecko. “I mean, they’re both already in the insurance industry, right? And things aren’t going so well with Obamacare right now so it seemed like a no-brainer,” the President said Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Health1 Comment

Teens in School Tour Bus Crash Catch Fire; Parents Glad it Wasn’t Aids

Teens in School Tour Bus Crash Catch Fire; Parents Glad it Wasn’t Aids

Parents of teenagers that were severely Jewed alive in the school tour bus crash in Los Angeles are now relieved from the good news that was delivered to them this week.

The smarty-pant scientists confirmed this morning that the school bus indeed caught fire and it indeed “Jewed them up real good, crispy bacon to be exact.” Jack in the Box is now extracting meat from their remains. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Society3 Comments

Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size

Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size

LAKEWOOD, OH—Jeffery Miller, a car mechanic based in the Cleveland area, is reportedly happy with the length, girth, and performance of his penis.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good, I guess,” says Miller, 36. “I’ve never had any problems with it, and my wife seems to like it all right.”

According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average American penis stands 5.6 inches when erect. Miller claims his penis is “around 6 inches,” though other data suggests his trouser schnauzer is closer to 5.2 inches. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest13 Comments

President Obama Promotes Healthcare.gov with Jackass-Style Stunt Reel

President Obama Promotes Healthcare.gov with Jackass-Style Stunt Reel

WASHINGTON, D.C.—“I’m Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States of America, and this is Jackass.”

So begins the president’s latest viral video—a 22-minute series of dangerous and immature stunts styled after the MTV show “Jackass.”

The video is a bold new attempt to convince young Americans to sign up for health insurance at Healthcare.gov before the March 31 deadline. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health2 Comments

CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas

CNN Caught Scanning Glossynews.com For Story Ideas

Once again, the mainstream media has swooped in to steal our precious exclusive. We reported it first, but CNN & reality had a different idea when they took the story from the realm of satire into public consciousness.

These stories may look different, on the surface, but scratch a bit deeper and you’ll find that you’re going to get an infection by doing that. Don’t scratch at it, it only makes it worse when you do.

Wolf Blitzer, his real name, proved the mental might of CNN anchors when he appeared on celebrity Jeopardy, but we had no idea how low they would go.

This article appeared on 2-3-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-cnn

Full story here.

“The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is investigating an outbreak this week of gastrointestinal illness on Royal Caribbean’s Explorer of the Seas; the cause has not yet been determined.”

“Are cruise ships floating petri dishes?”

And this article appeared on 1-31-14

cdc-disease-ripoff-glossy

Full story here.

“Royal Caribbean Cruise Line announced today that its cruise ships have been granted special status as “National Centers For Emerging and Zoonotic Infectious Diseases” by the Atlanta based US health authority Centers for Disease Control (CDC).”

“In other news, Royal Caribbean announced it will be changing the name of its liners to “Traveling Petri Dish” to more fully covey the breadth of experience people will enjoy.”

Coincidence? I think not. Blatant theft of factual reality? Quite likely. Journalistic untegrity? Quite clearly. They didn’t even cite us as a source.

Need I say more?

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Posted in Health, Internets TubesComments Off

I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra

I Guess I Have an Irrational Fear of Tubes Going in my Urethra

Guest writer Doug Fedler

Call me crazy, but I just don’t like the idea of having tubes inserted into my urethra. I guess everyone’s got their quirks.

Maybe my thinking is a little cluttered since I’m about to have my appendix taken out.

I did a little digging on the subject and found out that sometimes they use a catheter. It’s a tube that helps you pee. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Opinon/Editorial5 Comments

Latest String of Shark Attacks Leaves Baskets Empty

Latest String of Shark Attacks Leaves Baskets Empty

Willow Grove, Pennsylvania – Wait-staff at the popular restaurant chain, Olive Garden, are suffering the aftermath from a recent string of Great White Shark attacks off the New Jersey coastline as more and more breadsticks, the complimentary item served to customers with the purchase of any entrée, have been the latest victims. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Society0 Comments

Disease-Free Pee-Pee and Wee-Wee Bracelets Banned

Disease-Free Pee-Pee and Wee-Wee Bracelets Banned

I [Heart] Boobies bracelets are catching a lot of flak from adults who say their teen children shouldn’t be wearing them even if it is to promote a good cause, i.e. fighting breast cancer. And now, there are two other bracelets that are creating a stir on high school campuses.

“I [Heart] My Ha-Pee Pee-Pee” bracelets for guys and “I [Heart] My Ha-Pee Wee-Wee” bracelets for girls are actually being banned in many schools across America. The golden latex wrist bracelets were introduced into schools last week by a non-profit group who claims they are doing everything they can to bring to light the upsurge of sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) among teens. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health1 Comment

Homophobic Man struggles with his Fear

Homophobic Man struggles with his Fear

Dateline: New York—Morris Jenkins suffers from a debilitating fear of homosexuals, commonly called homophobia. When in the presence of gay people, he ceases to function.

“I remember the first time the terror struck me,” he said. “I was at work on my computer, sitting in my cubicle, and a co-worker told me he’s gay. My lower lip quivered, I screamed like I was looking into the face of Death, and I fell back away from him, landing on the floor and kicking my chair into the computer, shattering the screen.

“I turned over on my stomach and began clawing my way out of the cubicle, cutting my hands on the pieces glass, gasping for breath, and crying for help. My heart was hammering in my chest. The terrifying coworker tried to help me up and I shrieked and twisted my arm as I violently spun to avoid contact. I crab-walked out of the cubicle and ran to the opposite end of the office, clutching the wall behind me, sweating buckets and trying to catch my breath.
Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest, Strange People14 Comments

US Health and Human Services Recommends Twerking for Seniors

US Health and Human Services Recommends Twerking for Seniors

The US Health and Human Services (HHS) has issued a health advisory recommending twerking for seniors.

The advisory states “People over 50 may want to consider adding twerking exercises to their workout routines. As people age stiffer joints, slower recovery from injury and the loss of lean body mass are among the perils facing seniors.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Society2 Comments

Comfort Cooking that WON’T Give you a Heart Attack* — VIDEO

Comfort Cooking that WON’T Give you a Heart Attack* — VIDEO

Love grilled cheese but don’t care if it tastes like feet? You can have the best of neither world in this GlossyNews exclusive cooking presentation.

Really? A sandwich with healthy ingredients that tastes as good as a bacon-wrapped fried chicken cheddar pizza? Yes!

How? A little thing we call science! Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Video News6 Comments

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