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Scientists determine 87% of people who put their hands in the air actually don’t care

The other 13% are easily influenced by crowds.

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Ten Ways to Know You Have Writer’s Block

1.

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New Photo Surfaces of Early Duck Dynasty Clan Beach Party

ccShown are Willie, Jase and Jep with wives Missy, Kori and Jessica

Shown are Willie, Jase and Jep with wives Korie, Missy and Jessica.

photo credit: JeepersMedia via photopin

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Duck Dynasty Being Sold Down the River by Ming Dynasty

Duck Dynasty Being Sold Down the River by Ming Dynasty

Hey, Duck Dynasty. China called. They want you to pick up the boatload of crap souvenirs you ordered last month.

Duck Dynasty paraphernalia isn’t flying off Walmart shelves anymore, which means that the warehouse that had once housed only (made in America) commando duck calls is now filled ceiling to rafters with unsold Duck Dynasty souvenirs made in China.

Duck Dynasty may be second only to the United States government in owing more than its worth to Chinese banks.

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Baby New Year Found Working in a Chinese Child Labor Camp

2014 will be delayed indefinitely. “I guess I’ll have to cover his damned shift,” grumbled 2013.

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Duck Dynasty Christmas Not All It Was Quacked Up to Be

Duck Dynasty Christmas Not All It Was Quacked Up to Be

Christmas at the Robertsons’ homes wasn’t as merry and bright as it could have been had it not been for the family’s patriarch, Phil Robertson, spouting off about what he truly believes.

Apparently Mr. Robertson didn’t get the memo declaring that although the Duck Dynasty clan were to star in their own reality show, they had to check their real reality at the door.

Ironically, the only thing that is duck related but not produced by the Duck Dynasty dynasty is duck tape, but the family is furiously working on a deal to buy the entire Duck brand in the coming year.

Son Willie Robertson says spending a few billion dollars to buy out the Duck brand is gonna save us a helluva lotta money in the long run and this way, we’ll never have to worry about daddy or Uncle Si de-railing our gravy train again.”

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Obama Meets with Republicans; Shows Them His Spine

President Barack Obama finally sat down with John Boehner and Mitch McConnell to discuss how to end the stalemate over the funding of government. Unfortunately, neither side could make the concessions needed to end the standoff.

Upon leaving the meeting about an hour after it started, Obama gave a quick press conference in which he shared with the world that, he does have a spine. Continue Reading

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Obama to cut education funding in “polarizing” move

Obama to cut education funding in “polarizing” move

In a highly polarizing move, President Obama announced he is using his executive powers to cut federal education funding by 50% in order to install polarized windows in the White House.

When reached for comment, President Obama said:

“In order to better serve our country, I need to have a clearer view of our future.”

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Trojan To Market New Product To Reduce Spread Of Idiocy

Trojan To Market New Product To Reduce Spread Of Idiocy

Trojan, a major manufacture of products designed to prevent the spread of sexual diseases, announced today that they have developed a human sized condom that can effectively prevent the spread of idiocy that is heard on right wing radio shows.

The product has been tested using the daily hate show of homophobe, and generally intolerant jack off Bryan Fischer, and has proven to be quite effective in reducing the impact of his words on the feeble minded.

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Jodi Arias’s Shocking Sex Claim Stuns Mormon Community

Jodi Arias’s Shocking Sex Claim Stuns Mormon Community

In a trial that has been laced with sexual revelations that have left many scratching their heads, probably the one that caused the most shock in the Mormon community was uttered by the defendant today.

Trying to recover from days of extensive cross examination, Jodi Arias responded to a question by her defense attorney with, “Yeah, it’s kind of funny, but for a Mormon he never showed any interest in the missionary position.”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

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FL Governor Scott Concerned Gaping Holes Will Impact Tourism

FL Governor Scott Concerned Gaping Holes Will Impact Tourism

Republican Gov. Rick Scott expressed concern today that tourist will start avoiding his state to avoid being sucked into a gaping hole. Because he failed to be explicit about which gaping hole he was concerned with, it is unsure if it is the sink holes popping up or the one in which he consistently stores his foot.

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NASCAR Drivers Harassing Gordon On Starting Second Behind A Girl

NASCAR Drivers Harassing Gordon On Starting Second Behind A Girl

Not everyone is celebrating Danica Patricks pole position qualifying run. Many of the other drivers are giving grief to Jeff Gordon on not beating Danica for that position. The irony that they qualified behind him is lost on many in the garage area.

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Conservatives Furious Over Historical Implications Of Mississippi Error

Conservatives Furious Over Historical Implications Of Mississippi Error

Due to an error in not filing documents stating Mississippi’s ratification of the 13th amendment ending slavery, historical references will now show that slavery ended under President Obama’s second term. Speaker of the House John Boenher stated, “How many lucky f#&%ing breaks can that guy get!”

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Pope’s Retirement Sparks Criticism Amongst Cardinals

Pope’s Retirement Sparks Criticism Amongst Cardinals

The Pope’s sudden decision to retire has caused many of the members of the College of Cardinals to criticize his intentions. Many don’t believe the retirement fund contains any resources for an actual retired Pope, and there are many that are already referring to him as the newest member of the 47%.

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Georgia Mans Patience Tried By Household Cleaner

Georgia Mans Patience Tried By Household Cleaner

A Georgia man claims that he has been unable to go out in public and plans to sue the makers of popular Kaboom cleaner. He charges that he has been waiting for over 30 days for the quick acting foam cleaner to turn from blue to white so that he can rinse it off of his shower stall and has been unable to bathe due to the delay.

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Carnival Triumph Finally Docks, Alabama Governor To Turn It Into Tourist Attraction

Carnival Triumph Finally Docks, Alabama Governor To Turn It Into Tourist Attraction

The end has finally come for the unfortunate passengers on the Carnival Triumph. The ship has finally reached dock and they are slowly emerging into a somewhat civilized world.

Alabama Gov. Bentley has made a statement regarding the ships arrival. “We are pleased to have this luxury liner dock in our fair state. We will do all we can to welcome the passengers with our southern hospitality. We also look at this as an opportunity to enhance the many attractions for visitors to our state.” Continue Reading

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