Around 3:00AM this morning, editors and contributors of GlossyNews snuck into The Onion’s corporate office. Armed with biting words and keen wit they successfully carried out a hostile takeover.

As of this morning, all news originating from TheOnion’s website and their print publication are actually the result of GlossyNews’ hardworking contributors. You should expect an increase in the wittiness of the material published.

GlossyNews is now running surveillance on ColbertNation to determine if it’s worth taking over as well.

Friends of both Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper were elated when told that Cooper has finally given in to Griffin’s amorous advances and agreed to take her on a date.

“It was the next logical step,” claims Mitzi Moloney, one of Griffin’s closest friends. “After all, Kathy did spend the weekend at Anderson’s house doing everything but humping the furniture to get his attention.”

Cooper’s mother, while not exactly happy about her son’s choice of a date, says she is looking forward to meeting Griffin.

“Oh, I’m not taking Kathy to meet my mother,” said Cooper. “She’s not that kind of girl.”

Asked if seeing Kathy naked is what made him finally give in to Griffin, Cooper replied, “It didn’t hurt.”

Meanwhile, Kathy Griffin is said to be “over the moon” and says she is going to try to be on her best behavior this time. “I almost ran him off with my crazy antics,” said Griffin. “This time I’m gonna play hard to get and stay out of his drawers.”

Michele Bachmann appeared on CBS’s Face the Nation Sunday to cover her tracks yet again with the familiar line “Of course, that’s not what I meant to say. I was just trying to be funny.” Bachmann was trying to explain away some comments she made last month linking Hurricane Irene and the DC earthquake directly to God’s displeasure with America.

Bachmann is becoming known for her proselytizing on the campaign trail and admits it is becoming a bit of a problem.

“I know I should be able to tell when God is speaking directly through me and when he’s just trying to have a little fun,” said Bachmann. “But honestly, sometimes, as the words are coming out of my mouth I think ‘whoops, God’s pulling another fast one on me,’ but by then, it’s usually too late.”

In a shocking move this morning, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced yet another new plan to stimulate the US economy with what has been labelled ‘Quantative Easing Number Six Thousand Eight Hundred and Forty Seven.’

“Clearly the other six thousand eight hundred and forty six stimulus attempts have not had the desired effect of boosting the economy and increasing our employment rates,” remarked chairman Bernanke to a room full of unemployed journalists who’d run out of benefits and had nowhere else to be.

When quizzed about what QE6847 would mean for the US dollar, Bernanke explained, “Basically, we’re going to keep printing that sh*t like toilet paper and China’s going to keep eating it. Or we’ll probably bomb them. We’re talking US dollars here. The stuff’s almost gold.” The announcement of QE6847 brings renewed hope to America’s young “lost generation” of unemployed. Former Detroit High School sports-star-turned-homeless-man, Ewan Johns, was beaming about the announcement.

“I appreciate any effort by the US government to create jobs which don’t involve me getting my ass blown off in Afghanistan.”

Glossy News is usually the first to get all the news that is fit to print out there for everyone in a somewhat timely manner. However, due to mechanical failures which have occurred in the past couple of weeks, the conveyor belt that runs the rumor mill has gone kaput.

Stories are being churned out manually, which is causing a backlog.

It’s slow going but it is going. You’ll see your stories up on the front page just as soon as possible.

The rumors being circulated that Lucille Ball has come back from the dead and is messing everything up with liquored-up candies are false. There is liquor involved, but no candies that we are aware of.

Thanks to all who write for Glossy News and thanks, especially, for your patience and understanding.

Billionaires with more money than they know what to do with are flocking to a company known as Seasteading Institute to get in on the ground floor, so to speak, on building floating countries (oil-platform-like structures) where they can exercise their Libertarian rights such as no socialist policies, no gun control and no federal taxes.

Wow, that’s a great idea. Throw a bunch of billionaires into a tiny space, give them plenty of weapons and watch them try to govern themselves. They’d be at each other’s throats faster than dingoes on an antelope.

Despite math, science and medicine being against her, newlywed Jerilyn Thomas, who has body issues and a noted lack of sexual interest, continues to insist that she is “on her period” a solid 21-days per month, much to the consternation of her evangelical husband.

A TV viewer announced that his wife was responsible for the creation of TV advertisements. When asked how he came to such a conclusion, he had this to say; “Well it was just a matter of putting two and two together. I came to the realization when I noticed how commercials are always kind of bossy and trying to tell you what to do.”

It was quite an embarrassing evening for Lady Gaga Saturday when fans approached her from behind and began shouting “Paul, Paul Shaffer, can I have your autograph?”

Gaga has recently gone bald and while many love her no matter what she looks like, most agree that the look is not one of her best.

“I swear to God,” said one female fan, “I could have sworn it was Paul Shaffer when I approached from the rear. Although,” she says, “I did a double take because it didn’t make sense to me that Shaffer would be wearing short shorts and fishnet stockings.”

The boardgame Risk was the subject of controversy after several hardcore gamers attempted to attack the White House. A statement from the leader of the group before the incident said:

“All of us have played a lot of Risk. We’re really good at it now, and we’re pretty sure that the skills we’ve learned from this game will allow us to conquer the world, provided we can pick which countries we start out with.”

The gamers showed up at the gates of the White House with dice in hand and prepared their assault. One Secret Service agent commented on the attack.

“It was the most confusing thing I’ve ever seen. They were just running around throwing dice.”

The attempted assault lasted 5 minutes, and the gamers were arrested. They are currently awaiting trial, and have been denied further access to board games, with the exception of Sorry.

In yet another breaking story from an undisclosed source that the Palins are divorcing, a supposed cosmetic surgeon in Phoenix has neither confirmed nor denied that she performed a tattoo removal for Sarah Palin. But sources close to the sometimes on again, sometimes off again presidential candidate confirm that indeed, the ‘Todd’ tattoo Sarah got in college has been removed. Continue Reading

Your service is lacking, your customer care is almost completely absent, and your attention to customers like me who have paid you ten-fold the cost of domain registration ($35 bucks a year, come on, get real!) I have only one thing to say… buh bye now.

There are many domain registrars out there that are less expensive, most of whom offer superior support. These guys are monumental jokes at best, and Ive seen a lackluster monument or two in my time. Given the choice, avoid Hostway whatever you do.

Clowns, dude. Complete and total clowns.

(Lost two domains through them years ago, but today it’s all about the fact that they should have my billing info on file, and I can’t even reach a real human being to confirm it… with what they charge, there’s simply no excuse for this.)

After several fights had broken out at a Barnes and Nobles, the store manager had this to say; “In retrospect, we probably shouldn’t have put the Philosophy section so close to the Bibles.”

Erstwhile rocker and latter day Idol judge replacement Stephen Tyler has announced that he will soon release an autobiography. It’s quite an accomplishment, considering he’s never read a book in his life, but critics have already begun to pan the tome for its ostensible lack of Liv Tyler content, even from her early years.

In a surprise turn of events, Lady Gaga today denied rumors that she was getting married, but hinted that she probably would get married. Those close to her say that she is contradicting herself as a way to throw off the scent of any paparazzi sniffing around.

Gaga admitted on the Graham Norton Show that she was not dating anyone because she was too busy, but further admitted that she was in a monogamous relationship with Canadian, Luc Carl, at some time. She said the relationship may even be ongoing, but she doesn’t know for sure. Continue Reading

Hey! Where’s Allah at? I got something to say to him.
Who are you? Buddha? Buddha! What the Hell!
Hey, where’s my 47 virgins?
Man, what’s up? Its hotter here than Afghanistan!