The oil gusher in the Gulf of Mexico has spread east as far as Pensacola, Florida, where the Five Flags race track is located. In response, noted NASCAR also-ran and female driver Danica Patrick showed her solidarity for her suffering Gulf co-victims, promptly spun out and wrecked her car into the barricade.

There were no serious injuries, though many fans still hold out hope.

AMSTERDAM (GlossyNews) — The Anne Frank House Museum, hoping to bring the lesson of Frank’s life and death to a new base of readers, launched the publication of the historic diary as a comic book. Spokeswoman Annemarie Bekker said the book is aimed at teenagers who might not otherwise read Anne Frank’s diary.

Bekker said, “Anne Frank wrote the diary between the ages of 13 and 15. Unfortunately, children today between the ages of 13 and 15 can’t read. So, we felt turning her gruesome tragedy into a comic book was the only way to get 21st century teens to understand the events of World War II. Which is, in itself, almost as tragic.”

Top FIFA Referees

Said one official “there is no doubt in our minds that trained monkeys will be able to do a much better job of officiating the remainder of the games instead of the morons who have refereed so far.”The American team is said to be extremely happy with the decision, as their game against Slovenia was upset by what everyone agrees was one of the most boneheaded decisions in the history of the World Cup.

Brasilian player Kaka tends to agree. He commented that he wished the decision would have been made before the Brasilian player was forced to sit out the upcoming game with Portugal. “I definitely would have had a better chance had a monkey been calling the game,” he said with a smile.

Even England, who hasn’t really had much of a beef with the referee calls so far agrees that FIFA is making a wise decision. “We’ve always liked monkeys,” said Fabio Capello, the team’s coach. “Me, personally, I relate better with monkeys than I do humans, so I think all around it is a very good decision and one that England backs wholeheartedly.”

The RMS Obama was christened in 2009 with much fan fair and tingly leg sensations. Here at Rancor News we wonder if they might be repeating the same mistakes of the Titanic. When the Titanic launched newspapers proclaimed, “God Himself Couldn’t Sink The Titanic.” In hindsight one might get the idea that God may have taken offense to that. When RMS Obama won the primary; papers pondered whether Obama is “The One.” Obama himself proclaimed, “this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal.” After hours on hold listening Amy Grant, God responded saying, “The One? If I wasn’t all knowing I would wonder if people ever learn from their mistakes. Did no one see what I did to Jet Li’s career after he did “The One?” Continue Reading

Tee Toos Landing, LA (GlossyNews) — Coonass Marty Boudreaux, who spends the bulk of his spare time drinking Dixie beer and shooting anything that moves, is pretty darned angry these days. That’s because a giant oil slick is coming on shore and wiping out the animals before he can get at ‘em.

“I tol you wat,” says Boudreaux, “if der ain’t won ting dat gets to me from dis hole mess dat’s goin’ down out heyah, is dat all dem birds and shit dat’s gettin’ kilt-dem wuz mine to shoots offa my front porch Continue Reading

Auston, TX (GlossyNews) — A group of middle-aged white liberals in Austin, Texas has vowed to never laugh at anything again. Group spokesman, Broice Kafoudlink, or as he is known in the organization, King Fuddy Duddy, declared at a recent “No Laugh, No Way” meeting that, “It’s about time people stopped laughing. Continue Reading

Washington DC (GlossyNews) — President Obama, refusing to yield to the demands of Tea Party agitators, has once again failed to appoint a Deist to the Supreme Court.

Obama has announced that he will nominate Elena Kagan to the court, choosing a Jewish woman to preside over the legacy of the white, Deist, Founding Fathers.

John Paul Jones XVI, a local Hartford Conn Tea Party leader and direct descendent of John Paul Jones, the American naval hero, made this remark concerning Kagan:

“When the Founding Fathers set up the Constitution (capital ‘C’), there was certainly never a thought that women would have a position of authority over menfolk. We as Tea Party Patriots (capital ‘P’) want to see the Constitution restored, as a vehicle for the White, Male, Landowning class to run this country properly. Certainly they never envisioned a black man as president, or even as a voter, and certainly no woman, Jewish or Latina, could ever fully comprehend the deep meanings of the Constitution.”

Jones, one of many Tea Party members who would like to see the Constitution restored to its original greatness, would like to bring to a halt not only women representatives, but women voting as well. Jones also supports protecting the Constitution by ignoring the Constitutionally elected president.

Kagan, who has little life experience at 50, one of the youngest nominees ever, also has no experience as a judge. Many complain that she is better qualified to be a clerk in the Supreme Court than a Justice.

Tea Party members throughout the nation want to see Deists represented on the Bench in order to end the continual ‘interpretation’ of the Constitution and return to its strict meaning. Because of this, they feel that only White Male Landowning Deists are able to properly read and enforce the Constitution as originally written.

Tea Party supporters have gone on to say that they no longer have to follow the rulings of the supreme court if it contains women or has members appointed by a black president from Kenya.

Thomas Paine, author of the proto socialist pamphlet Agrarian Justice, was not available for comment, having been dead for 200 years.

Greetings fellow Americans (Queue in Picture of Karl Rove in Lederhosen)–

Are you one of the millions of downtrodden Americans who have never had a lucky break? I was one too, but I am going to pass on to you how you can break out of the bad luck cycle with my new book “Weaseling Your Way To Success!”

As a child I was unattractive, unpopular and as dorky as Popeye Continue Reading

Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) –The mummified remains of a man waiting for comments to his clever face book post were found last Monday in a basement in Winnetka, Illinois. The desiccated body of Murray Stinsky, who had collected a total of 17 friends and family on Facebook, appeared to have been in his basement for over a year, still sitting upright in front of a dark computer screen.

The body was found after a neighbor became suspicious when Mr. Stinsky’s newspaper subscription ran out, and she didn‘t have anything to read with her coffee on Sunday morning.

Navajo Nation – The Navajo, Hopi, all Apache Nations and all other Native Americans who presently reside in Arizona have joined forces in an effort to show the haughty Arizona residents just exactly who has every right to be in that State.

Said Chief Standing Wolf, “it is not those of European decent who should be making the laws of this state, but we, the tribal people, who have been suppressed for too long. Continue Reading

New Orleans, LA (GlossyNews) –A male bonding imbroglio has landed two fraternity boys in the clink for attacking a transvestite who stopped to ask them directions.

According to local Transvestite, Katrina Sapphire, it went down like this: “Girl-I was jus comin up the street here on the norf side of Central Abenue, when heya come dess two college boys and dey wuz all drunk and shit, lovins on each other, and so I starts thinkin to myself that maybe dey like some attenshun from a real woman-knows wha I mean? Continue Reading

New York, NY – This dubious recognition came on the heels of a story which appeared on the Glossy News website in February 2010, see here, wherein Hollister, California was depicted as a creepy town by executives of a British company known as Hollister Co. who decided to check out the California town to see if there were any similarities between their company and the town that bore their clothing line name. There were none.

Months after the story ran, complaints of local Hollistericals (Hollisterians? Hollisterites?) are still pouring into Glossy in defense of their small California town, obviously unaware that the story was completely fabricated. Even with numerous signs in and about the Glossy site indicating its stories are satirical in nature, the complaints keep on coming.

Due to the anger shown by Hollister’s eerily-protective townsfolk against the Hollister Co. executives in particular and the British in general–whom, we cannot stress strongly enough, did not really go into Hollister, the town, and say bad things about it–Money Magazine is reportedly due to come out with their annual ranking of America’s Most Angry City, and, you guessed it, Hollister, California is expected to rank somewhere near the top of that list as well.

Author’s Note: Apologies to BC Bass, author of the original Hollister story. I just could not resist.

[Ed Note: This story was originally run on Monday April 12, but we inadvertently left out all of the nouns.]

Boston, Mass (GlossyNews) In sad and disappointing news this morning, Glossy News publisher Brian White was informed by officials at Harvard University that they had considered his application and had decided they could not accept him for enrollment.

White, who was not visibly shaken by the news, spoke to me directly during a live, pre-recorded video conference, that he was not disappointed.

“The fact is,” offered White, “that I applied for Havard back in 1986 and never heard anything. I moved on and found a much better education at a local agricultural college.”

In an ironic turn of events, White’s Zorbing Crew beat out the Harvard Crew in the World Zorbing Championships in 1989, 4 rolls to 3. White was captain of the crew.

Haavard, in fact, took 24 years to decide not to enroll White. But it is not a record. Among others, Haavaad is still considering the application of George W Bush to attend an afternoon seminar in 1968; and in a more famous case, Thomas Jefferson was originally rejected and then readmitted by Harvard years later when it was discovered that he had a negro ‘Maid with Benefits’. Jefferson was admitted in 1912, 84 years after his death. He has yet to respond to the acceptance letter after 98 years, which actually IS a record.

Glossy News stocks did take a minor dip this morning in early trading, but rallied soon after someone on the trading floor pointed out that a Harvard education would actually damage the credentials of White and the Glossy News.

[Story Update - This story updates the original which stated that Mr White had been rejected from Howard
University, which is, in fact, silly]

Carla Waters, known around the office as “The Lady Who Does That,” is really not there today. Her departure has created mass confusion and outright hysteria among the customer service department of Bulger, Inc.

Waters, who worked for Bulger for the last 42 years, grew tired of being ignored and overworked and finally had enough. She quietly slipped out the back door during her morning break.

“I was tired of being accused of not being there while having tons of work forwarded to me on a daily basis,” complained Waters. “Most of it I wasn’t even responsible for. Continue Reading

Washington DC (GlossyNews) — The United States Supreme Court has declared that faceless corporations, now considered full citizens with all the rights of free speech and whatnot, can now openly carry their weapon of choice in public. During the hearing, a passionate argument was made against the inevitable ruling by a rag-tag liberal lawyer, Ernie Schliemann. In his argument, Schliemann attempted to make the case the U.S. Government, if infected by ultra right wing elements, might become a gun-carrying proxy for the military-industrial complex, leading to a fascist state in which the corporations control the government at the expense of individual rights.

Schliemann’s argument was roundly declared specious by all members of the court, except Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, after Justice Samuel Alito was seen shaking his head and mouthing the words, “not true,” during Schliemann’s presentation.

San Pueblo, CA (GlossyNews) — In a recent interview with Glossy News, Yoko Ono admitted, finally, that she was responsible for the break up of The Beatles.

In an interesting side note, Ono went on to say that she was also responsible for the breakup of the Partridge Family and the soft rock group Bread.

David Cassidy, in a telephone interview at 2am on Sunday morning merely stated, “I did NOT have sex with that woman.”

Susan Dey was unavailable for comment.

Los Alamos, NM (GlossyNews) The South-Pacific island nation of Tonga today was the first country to sign the President Obama’s nuclear Non-Proliferation treaty.

While a worthy statement, critics were quick to point out that Tonga has no weapon development capabilities, let alone nuclear weapon capabilities. They also pointed out, that they do not currently have an army, navy or air force and the last time they were at war as a nation, was centuries ago when they used to sail to Samoa to pick a fight. Continue Reading