Duck Dynasty Being Sold Down the River by Ming Dynasty

Hey, Duck Dynasty. China called. They want you to pick up the boatload of crap souvenirs you ordered last month.

Duck Dynasty paraphernalia isn’t flying off Walmart shelves anymore, which means that the warehouse that had once housed only (made in America) commando duck calls is now filled ceiling to rafters with unsold Duck Dynasty souvenirs made in China.

Duck Dynasty may be second only to the United States government in owing more than its worth to Chinese banks.

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Duck Dynasty Christmas Not All It Was Quacked Up to Be

Christmas at the Robertsons’ homes wasn’t as merry and bright as it could have been had it not been for the family’s patriarch, Phil Robertson, spouting off about what he truly believes.

Apparently Mr. Robertson didn’t get the memo declaring that although the Duck Dynasty clan were to star in their own reality show, they had to check their real reality at the door.

Ironically, the only thing that is duck related but not produced by the Duck Dynasty dynasty is duck tape, but the family is furiously working on a deal to buy the entire Duck brand in the coming year.

Son Willie Robertson says spending a few billion dollars to buy out the Duck brand is gonna save us a helluva lotta money in the long run and this way, we’ll never have to worry about daddy or Uncle Si de-railing our gravy train again.”

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Obama Meets with Republicans; Shows Them His Spine

President Barack Obama finally sat down with John Boehner and Mitch McConnell to discuss how to end the stalemate over the funding of government. Unfortunately, neither side could make the concessions needed to end the standoff.

Upon leaving the meeting about an hour after it started, Obama gave a quick press conference in which he shared with the world that, he does have a spine. Read more Obama Meets with Republicans; Shows Them His Spine

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Obama to cut education funding in “polarizing” move

In a highly polarizing move, President Obama announced he is using his executive powers to cut federal education funding by 50% in order to install polarized windows in the White House.

When reached for comment, President Obama said:

“In order to better serve our country, I need to have a clearer view of our future.”

Read more Obama to cut education funding in “polarizing” move

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Trojan To Market New Product To Reduce Spread Of Idiocy

Trojan, a major manufacture of products designed to prevent the spread of sexual diseases, announced today that they have developed a human sized condom that can effectively prevent the spread of idiocy that is heard on right wing radio shows.

The product has been tested using the daily hate show of homophobe, and generally intolerant jack off Bryan Fischer, and has proven to be quite effective in reducing the impact of his words on the feeble minded.

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Jodi Arias’s Shocking Sex Claim Stuns Mormon Community

In a trial that has been laced with sexual revelations that have left many scratching their heads, probably the one that caused the most shock in the Mormon community was uttered by the defendant today.

Trying to recover from days of extensive cross examination, Jodi Arias responded to a question by her defense attorney with, “Yeah, it’s kind of funny, but for a Mormon he never showed any interest in the missionary position.”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

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