Really Good Hoagie Makes Man Briefly Forget His Inevitable Death

GARY, IN—While eating at his neighborhood Quizno’s Wednesday, local man Gene Lisowski spoke with reporters about the fact that he completely forgot the inescapable reality of his own death while eating a turkey club hoagie.

Lisowski described the sandwich that caused the certitude that he would one day be a lifeless, decomposing vessel to simply slip his mind as “real tasty.”

“I’d have to look at the menu again to tell you what was on it, exactly,” he added.

RIGHT: Lisowski (hoagie not pictured) (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

“It’s nice to treat your taste buds to something special once in a while,” Lisowski said, referring to the tongue that would become bloated from the gas of decompositional bacteria from within during the impending process to which the conveyor belt that is life draws him ever nearer.

He elatedly recalled the special dressing the hero featured that “seemed familiar, but wasn’t just any regular kind of dressing.”

Lisowski went on to discuss the fact that such a dressing was a perfect complement to the other ingredients and defied anyone to remember the universal fate that people will actually handle and dispose of your cold, rotting corpse while you’re eating a “mighty good hoagie.”

“There’s something about that hickory smoked bacon, too,” he said. “Nothing makes me [overlook the inexorability of ceasing the very act of being and likely letting loose all manner of physical waste that other people will have to deal with] like bacon that has just the right crunch to it.”

“Oh, and the pickle. It came with a pickle.”

Author: Rusty Shackleford

Rusty Shackleford is a comedy writer typing away from a bunker in an undisclosed location.

8 thoughts on “Really Good Hoagie Makes Man Briefly Forget His Inevitable Death

  1. Nothing makes me forget the fact that I’m going to eventually die than the joy that comes from consuming other animals. At that moment, when the scrumptious searing hot bacon grease burns a hole through my tongue, I am in Heaven, which also doesn’t cause me to give my inevitable death any consideration.

    Also I like pickles.

  2. Yes, I appreciated that technique of drawn-out sentences to hammer home the juxtaposition. I was referring to some issues of readability. The second paragraph, for example, is hard to parse. I’d rewrite it as follows: “Lisowski described the sandwich–which made his certainty that he would one day be a lifeless, decomposing vessel simply slip his mind–as “real tasty.” Either way, though, that’s a tricky sentence.

    Also, I don’t think there should be a comma after “that” in “recalled the special dressing the hero featured that.”

  3. Thanks guys! I appreciate the feedback.

    I’d also like to add that the bombarding chains of prepositional phrases are quite intentional.

  4. The silliness of this juxtaposition is hilarious. It has the feel of a Monty Python skit.

    Indeed, the photo alone made me laugh–and I’m practically bald, so I’m allowed to laugh at bald guys, right?

    I think some of the grammar could be cleaned up a bit, though.

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