Posted in Making Headlines Politics Top Stories World News

We Interrupt This Breaking News for Breaking News

Wolf Blitzer: This is Wolf Blitzer. Welcome to The Situation Room. We have important breaking news. The Wall Street Journal reports that Democrats in Congress are pushing back against President Trump’s plans to go to war with Iran. They are…

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Posted in Technology

Trying to Go Offline

Life is short – especially for my wife, who’s barely five feet tall. The years race by, we waste time, and before you know it, we discover we’ve missed out on what’s important in life: pizza. Add to this reality…

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

Alabama Proposed Reinstating Slavery

[Author’s Warning: This week’s post is in response to the Alabama State Legislature’s decision to pass the most draconian anti-abortion law in the country. So, if you’re from Alabama, or perhaps just a big Crimson Tide fan, you might want…

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Posted in Politics

Trump Translation Guide

Over the first two years of Donald Trump’s presidency, he has made countless incredible statements and many bold claims about how great he is, how horrible his detractors are, and all the historic achievements he has made, which, according to…

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

BREAKING NEWS: Canada Announces Plans to Build Southern Border Wall

Ottawa – Today, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau delivered a landmark speech to the combined chambers of the Canadian Parliament. He announced his plans to erect a 50-foot-tall wall along the entire length of the USA-Canadian border to keep them…

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Posted in Entertainment Environment Human Interest

My Short-Lived Career As A BINGO Announcer

Throughout my life, I’ve held a variety of jobs – from Sales Director to Director of Sales and everything in between. Given the chance, I could have been a superstar selling advertising, life insurance or legal research to anyone from…

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Posted in Environment Travel

You Can Take a Hike

Lately, whenever someone invites me to go hiking, my response is usually: “You can take a hike.” That’s because, I really don’t care for hiking. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not lazy. Okay, maybe that’s a lie. But I used to…

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Posted in Entertainment Sports

Soap Box Derby – The Thrill of It All

For years, sports fanatics have debated which is the most exciting spectator sport. Some argue nothing beats football for sheer intensity and physicality. Others point to the gladiator-like combat of hockey. And some people prefer badminton, but then, some people…

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Posted in Human Interest Opinion/Editorial Society Travel

Welcome to Portland

[The following is a message from the Portland, Oregon Visitors’ Bureau.] Welcome to Portland, Oregon, America’s Most Liberal City. If you’re planning to spend a few days in the Rose City, we at the Portland Visitor’s Bureau would like to…

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Posted in Health Politics Top Stories

My Private Workout with Obama

[The following is a 100% partially true story]. People routinely accuse me of telling over-the-top fabricated stories in Glossy News. They make these outrageously unfair accusations just because I may bend the truth a tiny bit occasionally – and by…

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

BREAKING NEWS! President Trump Says Something Shocking AND Offensive

Dateline: Washington, D.C., January 22, 2017 – The Present BREAKING NEWS. President Trump stunned the nation this afternoon when he said something shocking and deeply disturbing. According to an anonymous insider, he did not tell anyone in advance that he…

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Posted in Crime Politics Top Stories

President Trump, Arming Teachers is an Excellent Start

Dear President Trump, Let’s be clear: I did not vote for you. But I have to admit – you’re doing an amazing job at Making America Safe Again.

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Posted in Politics

Fire and Fury – Inside the Early Trump Years

Unless you’re in a coma – or your name is Baron Trump – you’ve no doubt heard about Michael Wolff’s bombshell tell-all book, FIRE AND FURY – INSIDE THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE. On its release day, F&F sold out in…

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

A Very Scary Fairy Tale – The Dangerous TRUMP Monster

Tim Jones: Hey kids. Wanna hear a bedtime story? Several young children: Yes, Mr. Tim! Please tell us a story! Tim: Okay, but I should warn you. It’s a scary tale!

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Posted in Politics

President Trump, the Results of Your Psych Eval Are In. We Need to Talk.

Dear President Trump, My name is Dr. Nathan Feingold. I’m Head of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. Recently, you received a court order to submit to a battery of psychological tests due to widespread concerns by members of your…

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Posted in Human Interest Making Headlines Top Stories

United Airlines Brings Back Its Friendly Skies

Lately, United Airlines’ longstanding motto, Fly the Friendly Skies, has taken a serious tumble. On a recent flight four passengers were told they had to disembark to make room for airline personnel.

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Posted in Human Interest Opinion/Editorial Top Stories

My Open Letter to the Guy Crossing the Street Against Traffic Without Looking up

Dear person who never looks up while crossing the street, no matter how much traffic there is, Hey, how’s it going? I hope I didn’t interrupt you from anything important. Please, by all means, go ahead and finish texting LOL…

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition

[The following news summary has been approved by the White House Ministry of Clarifying Communications and Truthful Facts, the greatest, most truthlike communications ministry in American history.] Contrary to the endless lies propagated by fake news sources like CNN, The…

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

Warning: You may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Disorder

Over the past 18 months a previously unknown but highly dangerous psychiatric disorder has spread across the entire United States. It is now considered by medical experts to be our nation’s most nefarious mental health problem. This malady’s scientific name…

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Posted in Health Human Interest Opinion/Editorial

The secret to maintaining your New Year’s Resolutions…

… is never to make any, of course. I mean, seriously. Just look at my track record over the past twenty years.

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

Trump Shakes Things Up with Bold Cabinet Appointments

Donald Trump has wasted no time putting his signature on his new administration. In what some critics are calling a scarily bad case of Opposite Day, President-Elect Trump so far has chosen an Education Secretary who has never held any…

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Posted in Making Headlines Politics

Handicapping the Frontrunners for 2020

In the off chance you’ve been in a coma the past few weeks, I have some unsettling news. You might want to sit down. Donald Trump is our new President-Elect. Please, put down that sharp object. As denial about this…

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Posted in Human Interest Making Headlines Top Stories

History – As Told by Forgotten Newspaper Headlines

The recent presidential election has resulted in some pretty shocking newspaper headlines – like when Scotland’s The Daily Record ran a cover story showing a photo of Donald Trump at his swank new Scottish golf course on a windy day,…

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

Trump is Right – Proof that the Election is Rigged

Donald Trump has alleged the 2016 presidential election has been rigged against him and that the only possible way he can lose will be because of fraud and collusion. As a noted investigative reporter, I felt it was my journalistic…

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Posted in Politics Top Stories

Muslims Report Stuff

At the second presidential debate, a Muslim member of the Town Hall audience asked Donald Trump what could be done to reduce the intense level of Islamophobia. Trump replied with what many Americans think is an outstanding solution to address…

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