My Private Workout with Obama

[The following is a 100% partially true story].

People routinely accuse me of telling over-the-top fabricated stories in Glossy News. They make these outrageously unfair accusations just because I may bend the truth a tiny bit occasionally – and by occasionally, I mean not more than 80% of the time. (The other 20% I’m telling the truth, although, admittedly, that’s usually by accident). Read more My Private Workout with Obama

Share

BREAKING NEWS! President Trump Says Something Shocking AND Offensive

Dateline: Washington, D.C., January 22, 2017 – The Present

BREAKING NEWS. President Trump stunned the nation this afternoon when he said something shocking and deeply disturbing. According to an anonymous insider, he did not tell anyone in advance that he was going to say it. Read more BREAKING NEWS! President Trump Says Something Shocking AND Offensive

Share

President Trump, the Results of Your Psych Eval Are In. We Need to Talk.

Dear President Trump,

My name is Dr. Nathan Feingold. I’m Head of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins Medical Center. Recently, you received a court order to submit to a battery of psychological tests due to widespread concerns by members of your own administration, Congress, and your wife, about your stability. Each has observed that since you became president, your behavior has become increasingly erratic, or, to quote your recently fired FBI Director, “the dude’s batsh*t crazy.”

This is an executive summary of the results. My findings highlight several areas of serious concern about your overall emotional, psychological and mental health. 

Reading Comprehension and Vocabulary Read more President Trump, the Results of Your Psych Eval Are In. We Need to Talk.

Share

My Open Letter to the Guy Crossing the Street Against Traffic Without Looking up

Dear person who never looks up while crossing the street, no matter how much traffic there is,

Hey, how’s it going? I hope I didn’t interrupt you from anything important. Please, by all means, go ahead and finish texting LOL to your friend Brad. Don’t forget the smiley face emoticon. Your text is far more important than anything I have to discuss with you. I’ll wait……… Done yet? Super.

Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself. You see, I’m the guy whose car almost creamed you earlier today when you walked into traffic against the light and never once looked up. I doubt you remember me.

I can imagine it must have been hard to hear my horn blaring or my brakes screeching to avoid hitting you, what with that AC / DC song playing on your iPod at 175 decibels. I could hear them rocking away from inside my car with my windows up. I have to say, excellent choice in music, dude. Can’t go wrong with Highway to Hell – a classic.

You know, when I was young, I was taught that the center of the solar system was the sun. I now realize that my teacher lied to me – because clearly the solar system revolves around an eight-inch space between those earbuds of yours.

Okay, so technically I may have had the “legal” right of way over you, seeing as the light was green for me, and you had that annoying, flashing DON’T WALK sign that you probably missed since it didn’t flash on your cell phone. But hey, who has time to read street signs when they’re busy checking out their Facebook page, am I right?

Anyhoo, what I was trying to say is I apologize. I’m deeply sorry if my car’s front bumper photobombed the Selfie you were taking. Given that my windshield was merely four feet away from your rib cage when our paths crossed, I fear I may have ruined your Snapchat moment.

I must confess, I envy you just a little. You looked so at peace – so completely unbothered by the gridlock you created for all those cars behind me trying in vain to make it through the intersection. I am in awe of your composure in the face of a long line of irate drivers who would have happily made you into a hood ornament.

A lesser person would have been intimidated at the thought of 4,000 pounds of steel bearing down on them at the speed of a hungry cheetah. But not you. You were so courageous, completely undaunted. Even the screams of the maddening crowd didn’t shake your certitude that the urban seas would part to make way for your triumphant, regal crossing. Way to make an entrance, King Cell Phone Dude.

And I simply must applaud your amazing ability to keep your eyes focused downward during your entire crossing. As I was trying in vain to get your attention, your eyes never once wandered from your cell phone screen during your entire 36-foot journey from curb to curb. I doubt a nuclear explosion could have diverted your concentration away from whatever YouTube roomba cat video you were locked in on.

Ya’ know, sometimes I find myself having to stop what I’m doing and pay attention to other people around me who insist that I observe basic courtesies of a modern society. You don’t suffer from that affliction. Not one bit. It must be nice not to have to worry about anything outside of a two-foot radius of your thumbs. What’s important to me is that you were able to saunter across the street at your own leisurely pace, without having to worry about anyone else on this planet. I am in awe of you.

I hope our paths cross again sometime. Perhaps we’ll meet on an airplane. I’ll be the guy right behind you in line waiting for fifteen minutes while you attempt to squeeze a suitcase the size of a refrigerator into the overhead compartment.

But if I know you – and I’m pretty sure I do – you won’t notice me then either. And that’s okay. Because no matter how long you make me wait for you to place your special order at the drive thru or ask the bank teller to convert your collection of 2,578 pennies into dollar bills, it’s okay. Take your time. Please don’t hurry on my account. All that matters to me – and the other 25 people in line behind you – is that you focus on the needs of Numero Uno, buddy. Act like we’re not even here. That should be easy for you to do.

On behalf of all the people in this world who are forced to wait on the outside of whatever impenetrable magic bubble you live in, I just want to say, thank you for reminding all of us that your time is more valuable than ours.

Warmest regards,

Share

Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition

[The following news summary has been approved by the White House Ministry of Clarifying Communications and Truthful Facts, the greatest, most truthlike communications ministry in American history.]

Contrary to the endless lies propagated by fake news sources like CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, CBS, NBC, ABC, NPR, and 500 other America-hating, fake media sources, the news lately has been amazingly great. Here’s a summary of the incredibly positive top stories from the past week.

President Trump signed an Executive Order (EO) to override the Circuit Court of Appeals’ unanimous verdict, which had falsely claimed that his Muslim travel ban was a Muslim travel ban and thus unconstitutional and illegal. Trump’s EO officially bans all federal courts that disagree with any of his EOs because his awesome presidential constitutional authority is bigger than the courts’.

President Trump had an amazingly successful first phone call with Queen Margrethe II of Denmark. In a seven-minute call originally scheduled for an hour, the Queen gushed about her adoration for America’s new president and pledged her full submission, we mean, full cooperation to ensure strong diplomatic relations. And if the Danish ambassador says Trump called the Queen a b*tch when she refused to let Trump deport all our Muslims to Denmark, the ambassador’s a lying, whining loser whose wife is a 4 at best.

Read more Top Stories in The News – Alternative Facts Edition

Share

Warning: You may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Disorder

Over the past 18 months a previously unknown but highly dangerous psychiatric disorder has spread across the entire United States. It is now considered by medical experts to be our nation’s most nefarious mental health problem. This malady’s scientific name is Tolerance of Racist, Unbalanced, Misogynistic Predators Disorder. But it’s more commonly known by its acronym, T.R.U.M.P.

People exposed to T.R.U.M.P. lose the ability to maintain clear, rational thinking and are unable to tell fake news from real. Scientists have discovered that T.R.U.M.P. tends to target less educated and lower income individuals. Blue collar workers concentrated in white, rural communities seem to be particularly vulnerable to this disorder. Read more Warning: You may already be exposed to T.R.U.M.P. Disorder

Share

Trump Shakes Things Up with Bold Cabinet Appointments

Donald Trump has wasted no time putting his signature on his new administration. In what some critics are calling a scarily bad case of Opposite Day, President-Elect Trump so far has chosen an Education Secretary who has never held any position in public education, a HUD Secretary with no previous experience dealing with public housing, a Secretary of State with no history in international diplomacy, and an EPA Head who believes climate change is a myth.

In a similarly bold fashion, Trump’s latest Cabinet appointments are sure to win praise from supporters hopeful that he will turn back the clock (to 1953) and destroy unnecessary, wasteful government programs like Obamacare, banking regulation, Social Security and the environment. Read more Trump Shakes Things Up with Bold Cabinet Appointments

Share

Trump is Right – Proof that the Election is Rigged

Donald Trump has alleged the 2016 presidential election has been rigged against him and that the only possible way he can lose will be because of fraud and collusion. As a noted investigative reporter, I felt it was my journalistic duty to check into these shocking allegations and uncover whether his claims could be substantiated. It turns out Donald Trump is correct. The election IS rigged against him. The proof is extensive and conclusive. Read more Trump is Right – Proof that the Election is Rigged

Share

Muslims Report Stuff

At the second presidential debate, a Muslim member of the Town Hall audience asked Donald Trump what could be done to reduce the intense level of Islamophobia. Trump replied with what many Americans think is an outstanding solution to address these concerns and help Make America Safe Again: “We have to be sure that Muslims come in and report when they see something going on.”

What a brilliant idea. It appears Muslims by the thousands are embracing his advice – by taking to Twitter to report anything they witness in their Muslim community that seems suspicious. There’s even a Twitter hashtag they’ve created: #MuslimsReportStuff (honest!). Below are some tweets typical of what you’ll find there. Read more Muslims Report Stuff

Share

Official Letters Confirm Trump is Ready to Become the Most Amazing President Ever

The Trump Campaign just announced it will be releasing scores of official letters from experts attesting to the fact Donald Trump is fully prepared to be the most incredibly qualified person to run for the American presidency in over 500 years. Below is a partial sampling of the letters the campaign released today.

On Donald Trump’s Health and Fitness

I’ve thoroughly reviewed Donald J. Trump’s medical history, by which I mean I saw him recently on the Doctor Oz show. And I can confirm without hesitation that Mr. Trump is in excellent health. He’s in way better shape than Martin Van Buren or Chester A. Arthur were when they were president. And his hair color is totally natural.

If you ask me, Donald Trump is without a doubt the most physically fit, emotionally stable human being ever to run for any elected office in any nation, not to mention he is incredibly well-endowed “in that department” – no problems there. (Mr. Trump, did I cover all the points you wanted me to in this letter?)

Dr. Derek Shepherd (AKA Doctor McDreamy)
Chief of Neuro-surgery
Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (on the hit ABC TV show, Grey’s Anatomy)

Trump letters- Col SandersOn Donald Trump’s readiness to become Commander-in-Chief

Oh sure, I passed away 36 years ago, but I met the Donald once, and from that brief encounter, let me tell you, he’s fully prepared to be our next Commander-in-Chief. People called me “Colonel,” and rightfully so. I was really good at Battleship. So as a military expert, I’m confident Mr. Trump would be a great commander, whether the board game was Stratego or Checkers.

I’m convinced Donald Trump has the right temperament to have access to the nuclear launch codes. That said, I don’t have a clue what the phrase “nuclear launch codes” actually means. But I do know he likes to eat KFC, so this Colonel is ready to give him a patriotic salute.

Colonel Harland Sanders
Deceased Commander-in-Chief
Kentucky Fried Chicken

Trump letters- Bernie MadoffOn the issue of disclosing Donald Trump’s tax returns

People are getting all bent out of shape over Mr. Trump’s tax returns. I say, what’s the big deal? I keep reading crazy claims like “He must be hiding something” and “He probably hasn’t paid taxes in 25 years” and “He seems to owe a lot to foreign governments like China and Russia.” All I have to say is, hey, can you believe the weather we’ve been having lately?

I’m sure Trump will eventually release his tax returns – sometime after his death. I’d vote for Trump in a heartbeat – if he’d just grant me parole so I could get back in the game like him.

Bernie Madoff
Former CEO
Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC
Currently Federal Prison Inmate #61727-054

Trump letters- Queen ElizabethOn Trump’s qualifications to fight for the working class

Hello, America. This is your rightful Queen here. My word, what is all this ruckus across the pond over this Trump fellow? I assure you, when it comes to defrauding, er, I mean defending you commoners, Donald Trump will do a smashing job. Recently, at a black-tie fundraising dinner for his newest exclusive Scottish golf resort, I saw Mr. Trump take several extra helpings of tiramisu from the dessert table to bring back for his chauffeur. Or was it his valet? He’s ever so thoughtful of people he knows are beneath him.

Mr. Trump has always surrounded himself with working class people. Who do you think he hires as maids at all his posh resorts? That’s right – his close Mexican friends – some of whom he’s been known to pay almost minimum wage. Mr. Trump will do everything in his power to defend the needs of the working class, so long as they are the part of the working class making over $800,000 a year.

Queen Elizabeth II
Queen of the United Kingdom and Head of the British Commonwealth of Nations

Trump letters- Miss UniverseOn Trump’s special relationship with women

I don’t know why some people say Donald Trump is a mysoganost – oh, I can never pronounce that fancy word. He loves the ladies, especially us pretty girls with nice curves. I met Mr. Trump when he hosted the 2012 Miss Universe pageant. Such a gentleman. He took me out to dinner after I was crowned and even offered to show me his private hotel suite – until he realized Mrs. Trump might be there, that is.

Girls, if you don’t like Mr. Trump, then you don’t know him like I do. As long as you have less than 5% body fat, are beautiful, and not too smart, he’ll take good care of you. I love the diamond bracelet he bought me. I told him he shouldn’t have. He said, “Don’t worry, babe, I just used money given by a Trump Foundation donor. They won’t miss it.” See, he’s so smart. I would vote for him even if he wasn’t subsidizing the rent on my Manhattan high-rise.

Olivia Culpo
Miss Universe 2012

In coming days, the Trump campaign plans to release letters from several more experts, including testimonials from naval military expert Captain Crunch and international relations expert Count Chocula. They plan to release a glowing testimonial from an African American supporter, just as soon as they can locate one.

Share

Another Political First – The First VP Candidate named TIM

Tim - Tim KaineHello. Tim Jones here. This presidential election year is historic in several ways. It is the first time in US history that:

• a woman has been nominated by a major political party as their presidential candidate
• a major political party has selected a narcissistic, bullying, sociopath as their standard bearer Read more Another Political First – The First VP Candidate named TIM

Share

Breaking News: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump

[Author’s Note: Tim Jones of the news website Glossy News, in an exclusive interview with Donald Trump, asked the presidential candidate to clarify his claim that President Obama was the “Founder of Isis.” Below is an excerpt from this revealing interview].

Trump interview - one on one - GNTim Jones / Glossy News: Mr. Trump, thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: Hey, you look familiar. Didn’t I throw you out of one of my rallies?

Glossy News: Um, I think you have me mistaken for someone else. Last week you said Obama was the Founder of Isis, and yet – Read more Breaking News: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump

Share

They’re Coming for Your Car Keys. Welcome to the World of Self-Driving Cars

One of my favorite jokes goes like this: “I got really drunk last night, so I decided to take the bus home. Now that may not sound impressive to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.” Stop the Presses! Drunk drivers may soon not need to drive the bus – or their car – anymore. Welcome to the world of self-driving cars. They’re just around the corner.

Several tech companies like Tesla, Google and Apple are driving ahead with plans to mass-produce “autonomous” cars. Read more They’re Coming for Your Car Keys. Welcome to the World of Self-Driving Cars

Share

Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

The Trump University Promise

At Trump University success is what it’s all about. Trump U is about a lot of things – but above all, how you can be successful by helping me become even more successful by enrolling in Trump University. You can enroll in our Business Entrepreneur Success curriculum for slightly more than the amount you’ve accumulated in your retirement nest egg. Enrollment is now open for Fall 2016. Check out some of my incredible courses. You’re going to love it. I guarantee it. – Donald J. Trump Read more Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

Share