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American Voter Turnout shrinks to Six People in 2028

American Voter Turnout shrinks to Six People in 2028

In the year 2028, voter turnout fell in the United States to such an extent that only six people voted in that year’s presidential election.

The winner, Republican Lee Dumbluck, received three of the six votes, while the Democrat received two and the sixth went to a third party candidate.

Most Americans still consider their country democratic, because most Americans have the opportunity to vote.

However, some political pseudoscientists believe there’s another reason why Americans continue to accept the result of their elections in which the winner receives a share of the votes that reflects the will of only a small minority of the total population.
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The Poetry Of Sarah Palin

The Poetry Of Sarah Palin

I SHOT AN ARROW

I shot an arrow
Into the air
It came down
And pegged a hare.
My rifle I shot so straight and true
And brought me down a caribou.
Moose when they see my trail they quake
Ptarmigan their feathers shake.
Full grown bears will turn and run
When they see my Remington.

The creatures know
I’m somewhat prone
To leave them dead,
Their brains out-blown.

To run, now some will not even bother,
They stand stock still, scared to the bone,
It’s because I’m the biggest Mother,
That their woods have ever known.

MIRROR, MIRROR

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who’s the grandest of us all?
I’ve seduced McCain, become his Queen
And before the world am now seen.
My realm has grown from Alaska land
To encompass Maine to Rio Grande.
I’m so hot Ted Nugent wants to do me
And yet the Democrats eschew me.
I’m so hot the firemen douse me
When old men try to accost me.

I know now it’s all a game,
A strive for glory, power and fame.
Shake all hands and smile a lot,
Make sure chickens are in every pot.
But I will play a little dumb
And wait for my chance to come
And go hell bent for broke
Should ever the old geezer croak.

SOFUSTICATED

On me you must have pity,
I am not from the big city.
Sophistication is an art
I have not yet gart.
I’ve never had Chablis,
Modern art still eludes me.
But don’t you get rude,
Or even a little bit crude
Or I will show you some talent
From my side of the planet,
You’ll be field-dressed and gutted
And as a last touch- denutted.

————————————————
Said a young lass from Alaska
“If I want yer opinion I’ll ask ‘ya!”
A maverick she was
With justifiable cause
Her very own party
Had treated her farty
So she said, “If ‘ya screw me then I’ll blast ‘ya!”

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Tony Blair Book Dilemma

Tony Blair Book Dilemma

It’s really hard to know what section of the bookstore the Tony Blair autobiography belongs to.

Should we put it in:

The fiction section?

No, I guess that would be giving him a little too much credit!

True crime?
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In his Lonely Hour, Trump Embraces the Swamp

In his Lonely Hour, Trump Embraces the Swamp

April arrives, and like seasons, brings cherry blossoms to bloom in Washington D.C.

One side or another deflowers the hopes of Liberty or the Peace  Movement.

Trump has embraced warfare and the welfare state.

The swamp will take away the bloom from the wild Irish rose. Continue Reading

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Donald Trump Reading List: WEAK! (2/2)

Donald Trump Reading List: WEAK! (2/2)

Another pathetic loser!

No respect!

We are sick and tired of pretentious idiots!

SAD!

Totalitarian Tenets to be Tenaciously Tendered via Trump Tweet

Donald Trump Dead!

HOT OFF THE PRESS! DONALD TRUMP SEX SCANDAL! (& First Executive Order)

Bin Laden Dead, Trump Demands Long Form Death Certificate

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump

Psychiatrists reach Opposite Conclusions about President Trump’s Mental Health

President Trump Trashes Oval Office

Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse

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Donald Trump Reading List: PATHETIC! (1/2)

Donald Trump Reading List: PATHETIC! (1/2)

Don’t do reading!

Reading makes you stupid and fake!

..

SAD! Continue Reading

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Bush Memes! Dead Dynasty, but their Devastation Lives On….

Bush Memes! Dead Dynasty, but their Devastation Lives On….

YOU WILL SUBMIT

YOU WILL SUBMIT

YOU WILL SUBMIT

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George Osborne Facing Possible Death Sentence in Indonesia for Cocaine Offenses

George Osborne Facing Possible Death Sentence in Indonesia for Cocaine Offenses

Former UK Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne (formerly known as Gideon Osborne) has recently been arrested for drug possession and trafficking offenses in Indonesia.

Indonesia, like many countries in Southeast and Northeast Asia, has very stringent laws on narcotics.

And a number of British citizens have fallen afoul of these drug laws in recent years; finding themselves confined for decades to the depressing squalour of grotesque mass prisons.

Some have even been executed.

And confidential sources now tell us Osborne himself is likely to meet the same fate. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one source close to the Indonesian government tells Glossy News: Continue Reading

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Clinton Memes!

Clinton Memes!

So brave!

Looks at these shameless, worthless warmongers.

What have they ever done for you?

God only knows.

Still, enjoy these memes!

Or  not.

WE ARE WATCHING YOU… Continue Reading

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Don’t Be Ungrateful to the Clintons!

Don’t Be Ungrateful to the Clintons!

What have the Clintons ever done for me?

Well, they carved up Yugoslavia and turned their artificial sub-Soviet statelet ‘Kosovo’ into a haven for ISIS choppers.

Yeah but what have they really done for me? Continue Reading

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Salon Slam Slanderous Syrian Smearwork, Big Up Blair

Salon Slam Slanderous Syrian Smearwork, Big Up Blair

Recently, we discussed a leaked Syrian intel document. It turns out that the UK government and the Tony Blair Faith Foundation have all been identified as violent extremists.

However, notable champagne socialist and latte liberal rag Salon objects strongly to this “hideous misrepresentation of the tragically beleaguered and oppressed humanitarian interventionist community.”

One radical Salonista tear-jerkingly (not to say circle-jerkingly!) notes: Continue Reading

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Following Weed Legalization, Trump Tries to Cede Maine to Canada – Trudeau Confounded

Following Weed Legalization, Trump Tries to Cede Maine to Canada – Trudeau Confounded

President-select Donald Trump, in a presidential huff of not-my-jobbery, quickly fled to Mar-a-Lago in Florida, as the right to consume recreational Marijuana was heating up in the King Lobster State of Maine.

“I think it’s important for states to decide what is and isn’t legal,” said Trump, referring to the suppression of LGBTQ rights, while adding, “But this marijuana. You know what that is, right? It’s drugs. Very bad stuff. We have to get rid of it.”

Trump allegedly called his “good friend Jason Trodo” to ask what Canada would pay to take Maine “off our hands.” While Prime Minister Justin Tredeau wasn’t opposed to annexing Maine, which the majority New Hampsharts already consider Canada, the deal-breaker was the requirement for 611 miles of “Mexican-proof cement walls, with gold trim at the top, because it looks better that way.” Continue Reading

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Russian Intelligence Operative reveals why Putin helped Elect Donald Trump

Russian Intelligence Operative reveals why Putin helped Elect Donald Trump

Dateline: MOSCOW—Russian intelligence operative admits to meeting with Donald Trump and with members of his inner circle during the 2016 presidential campaign, to explain to the Americans that Putin wanted Trump to beat Hillary Clinton because Trump is a colossal fuckup and would surely sink the United States.

In a candid interview with CNN’s Jenny Manjaws, Russian intelligence officer Sergei Waxonandov concedes that during the campaign he secretly met with Trump, Sessions, Flynn, Kushner, and with others who worked for the candidate.
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As Though You Haven’t Seen Enough Trump Trashing Already- Here Are More Trump Memes!!!!!!!!!

As Though You Haven’t Seen Enough Trump Trashing Already- Here Are More Trump Memes!!!!!!!!!

Repeat after me:

We got so many memes you’ll be sick of meme-ing.

Read the following memes.

We got so many memes you’ll be sick of meme-ing

Are you bored yet?

We got so many memes you’ll be sick of meme-ing.

 

 

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Pillory and Paddle

Pillory and Paddle

There is a politician who is universally disliked except by the people who keep sending her back to the House of Representatives. Please don’t do that anymore. If you feel that strongly about the woman keep her at home.

She is the only person who ever made me truly regret having given up on the notion of purgatory. I now wish there was cause and effect between her earthly conduct and the fate of her miserable soul. She has never revealed her actual age but I am usually a good guesser and would put her at about 95 or 100. Her husband is a criminal. Well, so is she but somehow no one has gotten around to plopping the pair of them in the hoosegow. But, they are far too wealthy to ever find a bunk there. I can’t reveal her name because the state she represents has a special set of liable laws making it an expensive felony to say anything truthful about her.

Her biography is a tricky thing, changing without consequence to fit any notion that will bring her the most sympathy and votes. Once she was descended from Native American tribes. Then from slave stock, then from harried immigrant blood. Whatever cause is at the forefront she is in the thick of it always claiming to be the most oppressed victim of all.

Finding her real beginnings proved difficult. I wanted to find out whose privates had been sorely used by Beelzebub and forced into the despicable do-si-do that spawned her. Any reliable documents have been long purged. A study of her face brings to mind Sauron and his possible use of it as the prototype for his orcs. But even that necromancer could never conjure up such a face of evil. She has to have a past beyond the deception and thievery that plagues us now. She had to come from somewhere.

It took months of hard work to track down one bitter old man who years before claimed to know the identity of this woman’s real mother. Foul things had come to him after his disclosure. His temerity had nearly cost him his life. But he never backed away from his claim and when I went to visit him he produced a yellowed news clipping. One he keep safe in a small plastic sandwich bag. It was an article from Starlet Magazine, a Hollywood publication that dealt with the scandals and hijinks of silent screen sirens. This one featured Normani O’Rourke. He swore she was her real mother.

I left and began researching Normani O’Rourke. To find out all I could about her. She had been a silent film star cast as a sultry wench who seduced the best known actors of her time. Both on and off the set. She’d been in a well-publicized fight with Mae Busch. A starlet from Australia. They had argued over who was going to play Cleopatra in an upcoming blockbuster directed by D.W. Griffith. A titan of his time. They both wanted the role but Mae took ol’ D.W. behind the backdrop and won the job. Normani fumed.

Turning her back on legitimate films, Normani started to do illegitimate ones. She changed her name to Ma Bush to get back at her old rival. She had her hair dyed and styled to match Mae Busch and even had a birthmark tattooed on her cheek to match the distinctive feature her nemesis used as her trademark. In the graininess of the medium of the day they looked nearly identical.

Her first film was entitled, Ma Bush Goes to the Meat Market. Thin on plot, except for Ma Bush taking on all the meat cutters for a free lamb chop, it was action packed. And thoroughly embarrassing for Mae Busch who repeatedly denied it was her.

Her second film was Ma Bush Comes Home, a film about the prodigal daughter returning home for the holidays. No one was safe. Uncles, cousins and even a few aunts were part of the shenanigans. For the final scene the table was cleared and Ma Bush lay naked upon it, taking on all comers while her father pounded out a lively ragtime piece on the family piano.

Mae Busch was ruined and turned to drink. She named Normani O’Rourke as the real Ma Bush but no one believed her. She could no longer find work on the big screen and all of her friends deserted her in disgust. Excoriating sermons were composed and delivered expounding the evils of her debauchery, promiscuity and incest. Mae Busch died an ignominious and lonely death.

As an aside, Mae Busch wasn’t the only victim. I too lost a person close to me because of this. In Ma Bush’s old black and white films everyone always went really fast. I was intrigued by this style of lovemaking. I didn’t find out until later that old film makes just makes it look that way. They really didn’t go that fast. I tried it on my girlfriend. She packed up and left even after I promised never to go that fast again.

In celebration of her enemy’s demise, Ma Bush starred in the extravaganza Ma Bush Joins the Logging Camp. Posing as the camp’s shy and virtuous laundry maid, Ma Bush went through every lumberjack, cook and log splitter. Moving from one five man tent to the next she took them all on.

In the daylight hours Ma Bush would take picnic lunches out to the men laboring in the woods. She flitted around like a forest sprite taking on one clump of long bearded wood choppers after another. She was an avalanche of shamefulness, fun and abandon. Portraying on film what only the worst of reprobates would attempt behind a closed door.

But Mae Busch was dead and it didn’t take long for everyone to catch on to the ruse. They all said, “That’s not Mae Busch, it’s really Normani O’Rourke!” That was what the old man’s article had said. It said that somewhere in those sinful acts biology won out and Ma Bush, now outed as Normani O’Rourke left the bacchanalian orgies with not only splinters but also pregnant with the politician who would end up doing so much damage to all of us.

In the end we all paid the price for Normani’s revenge on Mae Busch by being forced to fill the greedy, cold hearted pockets of Normani’s dark issue. And when we can pay no more all that’s left for us rabble is the pillory and paddle.

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“Inappropriate,” the Power Elite’s Ubiquitous Euphemism

“Inappropriate,” the Power Elite’s Ubiquitous Euphemism

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.—Experts discover that American politicians, pundits, and journalists frequently say “That’s not appropriate” when they really mean, “I want to tear out your intestines and strangle you with them for doing that.”

Leslie Montague, psychologist at Pick Your Brains Medical Center in Scranton, began researching the euphemism when she saw CNN correspondent Jim Acosta at President Trump’s news conference.
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