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BREAKING NEWS: USA Votes to Leave North America

BREAKING NEWS: USA Votes to Leave North America

(Washington, D.C.) In the wake of Great Britain’s recent populist-led decision to leave the European Union, momentum gathered quickly for the United States to follow suit. In a flurry of referendum-lobbying activity, spurred on primarily by Donald Trump and his loyal supporters, citizens went to the polls yesterday, and in one of the closest margins in history – 50.1% to 49.9% – voted officially to exit the continent of North America.

The “AMEXIT” decision, as it is being called, has stunned global leaders, who, while fearful of other European nations following Britain’s lead, had no idea it might incite the United States to do the same. When asked to comment on the decision, President Obama, clearly agitated and confused, held a brief press conference in which he opined, “How did this happen? This will be disastrous for our country. Are we a nation of idiots?”

Upon learning that the United States had decided to withdraw from the continent, Donald Trump tweeted, “We are making America, I mean, the United States, great again. No longer under the thumb of the oppressive North American dictatorship.”

Political experts are unclear what the impact of the United States’ withdrawal will be, starting with what to call the country moving forward, since as one political observer pointed out, “Well, it’s obviously no longer the United States OF AMERICA, is it?” So far, none of the proposed new names have garnered much support, including: “The country formerly known as the United States of America,” and “The United States of It’s None of Your Business.” Others have suggested discarding the USA brand completely and simply calling the nation “Trumpistan.”

The Dow Jones plummeted more than 9,000 points in the opening 20 minutes of trading after the news. In more bad news for the economy, the U.S. dollar lost 35% of its value by the end of trading, causing a panic among investors. Many financial experts believe a deep economic depression on par with the 1929 crash is inevitable. On the positive side, Mr. Trump argued that this was actually great news for the country, saying, “Why is everybody freaking out? This will be incredible for tourism. People from Europe and even CHINA will visit our country and buy a lot more stuff and spend tons of money at Trump hotels and resorts, now that everything is so cheap for them.”

It’s unclear exactly what drove the sudden push to exit North America. When asked why they voted to secede, pro-AMEXITers gave a variety of vague responses often supported by confusing reasoning. Ned Moronovitch of Biloxi, Mississippi explained, “I want my country back. I’m sick and tired of having to do whatever North America tells us to do. I’ve had enough!” When it was pointed out that the continent of North America doesn’t actually have any control over the decisions of the United States, Moronovitch replied, “You sound like a communist. Are you a commie?”

AMEXIT - Trump rallyAnother AMEXIT supporter, Darlene Lemming, of Murfreesboro, Arkansas, passionately defended her vote, saying, “I refuse to sit here and just let any old Mexican, Guatemalan or Canadian walk across my border to take my job – without even having to show a passport.” When it was explained to her that they can’t actually do that, and that it’s not like the open borders of the European Union, Ms. Lemming replied, “Oh yeah? Well that’s not what my cousin Buford says. He says the Mexican murderers are taking over our country so we have to stop that.”

Still another AMEXIT supporter, Jeb Haitemahl, from Spartanburg, South Carolina, argued forcefully that this move was long overdue: “It’s about time. Let’s make the USA great again.” When pressed for details as to how this would make the USA great, Haitemahl simply said, “Well, I heard that Hillary was a North American, so now she can’t run for president – which is great by me! I sure hope we build that wall on our northern and western borders too!”

An interesting perspective on a reason to back the LEAVE vote came from Bert Nottaclew, of Nome, Alaska, who said, “I’m sick of having to be stuck up here in snowy, cold North America. I can’t wait for this great country to get outta Dodge and move some place warmer. Do you think they might move the country to the Caribbean? That would be fricken’ awesome!”

The domestic and global implications of the separation are as yet unclear. For example, experts are debating whether this vote might create the long-sought opportunity to finally kick out Texas. It is anticipated that the North American withdrawal process will create scores of logistical headaches as government agencies scramble to figure out exactly what this decision means.

Senior administration officials express concern that there are no provisions in federal statutes, case law or the Constitution itself to provide guidance as to how to leave a continent. In more hopeful news, Donald Trump has indicated that he knows exactly how to do it and has an amazing plan, promising that the resulting new nation will be a YUGE improvement. But so far details of his plan have not been released.

Shortly after the decision to exit North America, Google announced that the top two internet searches in the first 24 hours after the vote were “What is North America?” and “Am I an idiot?”

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Posted in Making Headlines, Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (2/2)

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (2/2)

So, is Red Ken actually trans-Jewish after all? Let’s see what me old China has to say.

Eh! Tell yer what lad, that’s well nice!

Eh! Ah think Ah could actually be a trans-Jewish meself, cos, yer know, know what Ah mean, me ‘as ad a nice WELL GOOD bagel the other day in the Islington EcoVedanta Smoothie Cafe, it went down a fahcking treat, did that!

Sometimes yer old Ken feel me be just an old Jewish lad trapped in a White-Anglo-Saxon-Socialist body.

Ah feel oppressed! Ah feel aggrieved! Ah feel mainstream media don’t care JACK SHITE about me, lad!

Hm. A bagel? Stereotypin’ much, me old son?

Eh! Eh! Eh!

Shaht it, just you shaht it now, yer flamin’ toerag! Ah fahcking hate you and your Zionist comrades in the shill media!

All lies! Lies! Lies! Lies! Bahrsterd, flaming, Zioliberal shill media lies!

NUS Supreme leader Malia Bouattia does us the courtesy of educating us ominously as follows:

You know what? I actually think Red Ken was a moderate.

Yes, we all need to get beyond this conciliatory bullshit like peaceful protest, peaceful boycotts…

And peaceful, non-violence-ridden and otherwise theoretically and practically meaningless Trans-Jewish identity politics.

And by ‘we,’ I mean me.

Well, just in case there should be any doubt on this matter!

I mean, it wouldn’t surprise. You fucking plebs are all thick as shit!  I don’t even know why I bother TBH.

#Hashtag #ProletarianEducationBlitzkrieg101

Still, nobody gives a rat’s arse what she thinks anyway, because the NUS are full of shit!

Eh! Eh! Ah blahddy lahve the NUS, Ah do! Don’t be so blahddy detrimental, lad! Eh? Eh?

URGH!

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Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (1/2)

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (1/2)

Good ol’ Red Ken recently lost his shit here at Glossy News over media accusations of antisemitism.

He has also said ‘Technically lad, I might be a Jew meself, eh? Know what Ah mean, mate?!’

Is Ken really Jewish?

Nigel Farage comments:

Well, it does seem that this excuse really is destined to join the hallowed ranks of:

‘Some of my best customers are Jewish!’

‘I ain’t racist, I really love Bob Dylan, and er, who’s the other lad; Benjamin FAHCKING Britten?! Eh! Eh! Phwoar! Blumming NICE ONE, mate!’

And of course, dear old Tarquin Binnett’s:

‘Fiddlesticks! Welllllll, dear me, old chap! Why, I don’t have an antisemitic bone in my body, and dearest Tarquin is very far from being an antisemite, mate!

I mean, it’s not YOU personally… Why, it’s merely all the OTHER filthy, dirty, moneygrubbing, thieving kike scoundrels!’

Notable white celebrity and The-Chancer-Commonly-Known-As-Rachel-Dolezal adds:

I feel his pain. You know, maybe this guy is trans-racial, just like me?

You know what, I am sick of the lack of recognition our trans-Jewish community are suffering in our world today. Why the hell  is the government not funding more support groups and humanities research in this area?

Hm. Maybe because there are only one or two tran-Jewish people in the whole frickin’ world?! …

If that?!

You know, this kind of privileged, arrogant, cis-goyim attitude is precisely the problem with our politics today.

And I actually think one or two oppressed trans-Jewish people is one or two billion too many; don’t you?

I’ll say!

Still, I had come back to Ken for the answers; because as notable post-Thatcherite Piers Gaveston Scameron hath quoth:

If you want a question about nothing, ask a worthless pleb on Question Time! But if you want an answer to everything, ask Ken Livingstone!

Join us next time.

 

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Referendum shock tactics

Referendum shock tactics

It started as a Conservative party election promise – if we voted them in, we could have our say on EU membership. Well, we did vote them in and now it’s finally going to happen. On Thursday 23rd May the UK will go to the polls for a monumental referendum on whether or not we should continue our membership of the EU. What the outcome of that vote will be is all but impossible to predict and punters are already placing their bets. However, one thing can be said for certain – in the run up to the referendum the shock tactics and a liberal idea of what constitutes the ‘truth’ have been rife on both sides. Let’s take a look at some of the words and actions both the leave and the remain camp have shocked us with over the course of their campaigning.

Tangled in red tape Continue Reading

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Neocon Puts the Boot into Journalist: Foot Now Halfway Up His Own Arse!

Neocon Puts the Boot into Journalist: Foot Now Halfway Up His Own Arse!

In a recent article, Justin Raimondo of Antiwar wrote about notable neocon intellectual and prominent thought-leadership advocate Max Boot’s comments on Trump: apparently, he would prefer to vote for Stalin than Donald Trump.

(So, at least he doesn’t believe in so-called ‘moral equivalence.’ He’s being a good neocon, then!)

I have no idea what Boot would be inclined to write as a letter of response; and I am not aware of any such letter. So I’m going to have to use my imagination.

(After all, it’s not just neocons & liberal interventionists who have both the power and the right to unleash the dynamism of the creative imagination!) Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (3/3)

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (3/3)

And the utter soul-destroying horseshit goes on.

So, what else do we know about Moderate Daesh? Well, the Moderate Daeshis, just like their fellow MPIs (Moderate Political Islamists) the Muslim Brotherhood, always wear a condom…

Even when they are plunging the fear of God into the besuffered little children who are coming unto them, rather than into full grown men and big boys and their upright plastic Johnsons like you and me!!!

Moderate Daeshis, just like their fellow MPI counterparts in Tunisia, do not believe in torturing alcohol sellers to death. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (2/3)

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (2/3)

The drip-drip-drip of resentful gushing (or at least, the salty current of ‘that’s a bit rich!’-nesses), crabbedly flowing forth from the highly creative and dynamic pen of Dick Cheney continues to swirl and course… Continue Reading

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Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (1/3)

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (1/3)

A confidential document by former dickwaver-in-chief, uh, dick waver in chief, uh, vice leader, uh, Vice President (as if!) Cheney has recently been uncovered to the world.

Well, this one has pretty much rocked all of us here at Glossy News, going forward.

Rocked us to the very marrow… Continue Reading

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Genetic history mapped: Trump full of Neanderthal DNA

Genetic history mapped: Trump full of Neanderthal DNA

Recently, scientists at the Howard Hughes Medical Institute at Harvard Medical School have analyzed DNA from prehistory, to discover large population shifts ranging from 45,000-7,000 years ago. Scientist David Reich concluded that these changes in prehistoric human populations directly correlate to the last Ice Age, which enabled prehistoric human migration to much of the northern world. And remnants of that ancient world can still be observed today. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Science, Science & Technologizzy, Top Stories2 Comments

Donald Trump Generator Is as Infallible as Trump Himself!

Donald Trump Generator Is as Infallible as Trump Himself!

Recently, leading scientists have invented a Donald Trump Generator that is 100% indistinguishable from the ‘real’ thing! See the follow excerpt, to see just how real the merely robotic, mindless and mind-numbing repetitive ramblings of this kitschy, cheap-ass imitation of the Trump can be: Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Technology0 Comments

Leaked TTIP Treaty: U.S. Must Win the Eurovision Song Contest

Leaked TTIP Treaty: U.S. Must Win the Eurovision Song Contest

AMSTERDAM – According to secret terms of the TTIP treaty, recently leaked by Greenpeace Netherlands, the U.S. must finally be allowed to enter the Eurovision Song Contest.

“Excluding the U.S. from the Eurovision Song Contest is a clear violation of free trade,” said U.S. trade negotiator Mickey Cant. “Europe could use a little bit more American know-how when it comes to pop music. We are tired of being unjustly excluded.”

Additional leaked documents show that the European negotiators were “horrified” at the prospect of American pop bands entering the beloved Song Contest, with one French negotiator protesting that “American pop is even lower than kitsch and unworthy of Eurovision.”

Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Radical Marxist Ideologue IDS Threatens to Smash the ‘Bourgeois Treasury’

Radical Marxist Ideologue IDS Threatens to Smash the ‘Bourgeois Treasury’

Radical moderate-political-Tory-ist and overgrown Trotskyite hooligan Iain Duncan Smith has finally rediscovered his radical roots. Frustrated with the petit-bourgeois false consciousness of the ideologically conditioned intellectuals (i.e. recent graduates!) in the civil service, he has threatened to smash, uh, ‘break up’ the Treasury. Continue Reading

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2020 Vision: UK Election Prediction

2020 Vision: UK Election Prediction

Time to look back at an old piece of mine, and think about whether it’s just all about ‘way back then.’

http://glossynews.com/top-stories/unamerican-world-news/201505110348/london-riots-who-are-the-real-orwellians/

In scenes mirroring the previous general election, raving hordes of self-righteous middle-class career decents have taken to the streets to protest the “Orwellian” hung parliament. Apparently the number of people who were eligible to vote, and who didn’t, is in the ten percents, at least! Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Politics0 Comments

Cruz & Khameini Gush: ‘End Big Privacy, Before You Get What’s Comin’ To Ya!’

Cruz & Khameini Gush: ‘End Big Privacy, Before You Get What’s Comin’ To Ya!’

Ted Cruz has recently given stuck it to the man over our trembling, weak-kneed bending over for the nefarious forces of Big Privacy.

His Most Exalted More True-Believe-ier Than Trumpness flashily remarks:

The war on surveillance is motivated purely by an ignoble politics of envy. The fact is, the guys we have monitoring your webcams have bigger dicks than you do; I think we can just take that one as given!

So if you want to squirm and slide around, or dick around (I hardly think it!), or even just go on a full-blown blazing rampage, and create some disreputable orgy of counter-conservative kiss-ass to your enemies, then be my guest! I can take it. Continue Reading

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Devastating Campaign Trail Interview: Hillary ‘Misspeaks’ Over Links to Wall Street

Devastating Campaign Trail Interview: Hillary ‘Misspeaks’ Over Links to Wall Street

Hillary Clinton is renowned for her talents in the highly competitive artistic fields of evasive and equivocal rhetoricmongering. How did she react recently when I grilled her about her ties to Wall Street?

Wall Street? Uh, excuse me, but we’re going to have to define our terms here. [Aside]: And by ‘we,’ I mean ‘me…’ ohhh, shit! It’s not really working this time, is it??

You know, all these big banks you are receiving money from?

Well, first of all, how do you define ‘big?’ Continue Reading

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US: ISIS Must Sign TTIP “Or Else!”

US: ISIS Must Sign TTIP “Or Else!”

WASHINGTON – U.S. State Department spokesman Milo Minderbinder announced today that ISIS must sign the TTIP [Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership] treaty by year’s end “or else we will retaliate with extreme prejudice. All options are on the table!”
“Terrorist organizations that control substantial assets, such as oil, should not be exempt from TTIP just because they are not recognized nation-states. TTIP is about promoting free trade, a goal that I’m sure that terrorists who specialize in decapitation videos can appreciate,” Minderbinder stated. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics, War Zone0 Comments

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