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Another Political First – The First VP Candidate named TIM

Another Political First – The First VP Candidate named TIM

Tim - Tim KaineHello. Tim Jones here. This presidential election year is historic in several ways. It is the first time in US history that:

• a woman has been nominated by a major political party as their presidential candidate
• a major political party has selected a narcissistic, bullying, sociopath as their standard bearer
• a major political party has selected a lying, misogynistic racist as their standard bearer
• a major political party has selected a thin-skinned, egotistical, uninformed billionaire demagogue as their standard bearer
• Did I mention it’s the first time a major political party has selected an utterly unfit, insane whack job for president?

All of these firsts are well and good, but these headlines totally bury the lead – which is: this is also the first time in American presidential history a major political party has placed a TIM on the ticket! That’s right. Someone with the same first name as me: Senator Tim Kaine is Hillary’s Vice Presidential pick.

Admittedly, Tim Kaine is not exactly Mr. Excitement. He pretty much looks like every suburban soccer dad I’ve ever carpooled with. In the dictionary under the word “bland” his photo appears. Okay, so he’s safe and boring. But you’re missing the point. His name is TIM!!

There have been plenty of people with names like John, Robert, William, and James selected to run as Vice President – and a whole bunch of Dicks. There have even been VP candidates with obscure names like Chester, Rufus, and Hannibal. (Honest.) But until this year, there has never been a single person named TIM selected to be a presidential or vice presidential candidate.

The lamestream media won’t talk about this dirty little secret, but we TIM’s have been pushed around or ignored politically for the past 220 years. For too long, TIM’s have had to live with the cruel acceptance that our name was primarily associated with cripples and freaks — from the pitiful Tiny Tim in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol to the grotesque long-haired oddball ukulele-playing singer who, using that same name, became embarrassingly famous for his falsetto rendition of Tiptoe Through the Tulips.

Speaking of music, there are scores of memorable songs with people’s names for the title: Michele, by the Beatles, Abraham, Martin, and John, by Dion, or Barbara Ann by the Beach Boys. The list is endless. But have you ever heard of a song with TIM in the title? No, you haven’t. No, wait a minute. I stand corrected. There actually was ONE song with TIM in the title. Written in 1970, the song Timothy told the story of three men trapped in a collapsed mine, two of whom resorted to cannibalism against the third guy – that’s right, they ate Tim. I am not making this up. That’s what I get to claim as my song. So unfair.

Throughout our lifetimes, we TIMs have repeatedly had to endure humiliation thanks to the misguided actions of a few bad apples sharing our name. Who are the first TIMs that come to mind? How about Dr. Timothy Leary, the hippie college professor and psychologist whose name is synonymous with LSD and the launch of the drug culture in America in the late sixties? Or perhaps you thought of Timothy McVeigh, notorious domestic terrorist. Even in the movies, when asked who was the WORST James Bond ever, everybody knows the correct answer: Timothy Dalton, of course.

Even the likable TIMs tend to be either lovable losers (Tim Conway, Tim Allen) or not quite operating within the navigational beacons (slightly twisted movie director Tim Burton or actor Tim Curry, the cross-dressing star of The Rocky Horror Picture Show). Heck, one of the most popular TIMs would have to be former Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. He ultimately washed out of the NFL after only three seasons.

The highway of history is littered with TIMs kicked into the ditch. I heard about this one guy named Tim who had a lame humor blog called View from the Bleachers. Sadly, nobody knows for sure what happened to him. After years of futility, I heard he was last seen harassing people stopped at traffic lights, squeegeeing their windshields to scrounge up enough money to score Reese’s Pieces (he was apparently addicted to them). Very sad.

Tim - Tims in historyI remember sitting on my dad’s lap as a young child, asking him, “Dad, do you think someday someone named TIM could ever grow up to be President of the United States?” – to which he would usually say, “I’m sorry. Who are you?” When I would remind him I was his youngest son, he would pause and say, “A president named TIM? Seriously?” Then he’d laugh and laugh at such an inconceivable notion.

I briefly clung to hope that this day might come in my lifetime when in May 2011 Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty entered the race for the Republican nomination for president. It was a ray of hope that lasted not even three months, when he withdrew after finishing near the bottom of the Iowa straw poll. I cried for days.

Oh sure, 2016 may be remembered by some as the year our nation finally elects a woman president. But if you ask me, objectively speaking, the far bigger story is that this will be remembered as The Year of TIM – the year America finally puts someone with my name in the White House.

Just think about it. Come November, there might just be a TIM a heartbeat away from the presidency. On behalf of all the TIM’s who have been forgotten, ignored or ridiculed throughout our nation’s history, I’m announcing I’m with Tim!

But in the off chance Hillary crashes and burns this November and our nation elects its first DONALD as president instead, I’m considering throwing my hat into the ring for 2020. During my high school years, I went to a military prep school and even marched in the Veteran’s Day Parade twice. So, clearly I’m at least as qualified as the Republican nominee to become our next Commander-in-Chief.

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BREAKING NEWS: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump

[Author’s Note: Tim Jones of the news website Glossy News, in an exclusive interview with Donald Trump, asked the presidential candidate to clarify his claim that President Obama was the “Founder of Isis.” Below is an excerpt from this revealing interview].

Trump interview - one on one - GNTim Jones / Glossy News: Mr. Trump, thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: Hey, you look familiar. Didn’t I throw you out of one of my rallies?

Glossy News: Um, I think you have me mistaken for someone else. Last week you said Obama was the Founder of Isis, and yet –

Trump: That’s right. Barack HUSSEIN Obama – Founder and Chairman of the Board. And Hillary Clinton is their Chief Operating Officer. These are two bad people, really bad. You have no idea how bad. Disgusting.

Glossy News: I see. So just how bad are they, Mr. Trump?

Trump: Well, for one thing, I just learned that Obama caused the crash of the Hindenburg.

Glossy News: THE Hindenburg? I’m sorry. Are you talking about the zeppelin that crashed over New Jersey? That Hindenburg??

Trump: Absolutely. Terrible tragedy.

Glossy News: You do realize the Hindenburg exploded in 1937. Obama wasn’t born until 1961. So, how could he possibly be responsible for that disaster?

Trump: I’m close personal friends with the guy who directed the documentary Back to the Future, about traveling through time. Doc Brown proved it’s possible if you have the right technology, like a DeLorean with a flux capacitor.

Glossy News: You know that was a fictional movie –

Trump: I also know people in the CIA who are experts in this time travel stuff. They’ve sent teams back in time to investigate all sorts of events. And they’re finding some amazing things, amazing things, believe me.

Glossy News: So you’re saying you sent a team of time traveling investigators back in time to dig up evidence proving Obama caused the Hindenburg crash –

Trump: Shocking, I know. Trust me. But I have unbelievable evidence. Just unbelievable. But it’s far from the worst thing Obama’s done. He also caused World War II. A terrible guy, this Obama.

Glossy News: Excuse me? You’re saying that President Obama is somehow to blame for The Second World War?

Trump: Well, to be more precise, he traveled back in time and caused the rise of Hitler, which in turn led to WW II.

Glossy News: Okay, I’ll bite. How exactly did Obama travel back in time to cause the rise of Hitler?

Trump and LincolnTrump: I can’t reveal that information until I after become president. But let’s just say some top NSA experts have uncovered a lot of really bad things about both Obama and Hillary. Really bad stuff.

Glossy News: Besides starting World War II?

Trump: Absolutely. He started the Black Plague.

Glossy News: Did you just say the Black Plague?

Trump: Yup. Nasty thing. Terrible. Millions of people died. Even a lot of really nice rich folks.

Glossy News: The Black Plague – from 1348? Obama started the infamous plague that wiped out almost 50% of Europe’s population during the Middle Ages?

Trump: Why else would they have called it the “Black” plague? Ever think of that?

Glossy News: No, can’t say that I have. So, how is this even possible?

Trump: Like I said, time travel.

Glossy News: Oh right. So you’re doubling down on that theory, eh?

Trump: Trust me. You would not believe the things our military’s Black Op’s folks have invented. They recruited Obama when he was in law school and sent him back in time with thousands of infected rats to release all over Europe.

Glossy News: Uh huh. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but let’s just suppose, for argument’s sake, Obama actually somehow teleported back in time six centuries loaded up with suitcases full of deadly rats. Why on earth would our military want him to wipe out Europe?

Trump: Because, like our government, Obama hates America.

Glossy News: That makes absolutely no sense at all. So why didn’t he wipe out America instead?

Trump: Because it was 1348. America hadn’t been built yet. Besides, in recent years Europe has said some really nasty things about America. But that’s not the only thing Obama and Hillary have done to destroy America. Remember the stock market crash of 1929?

Glossy News: Seriously? You’re going there now?

Trump: Well, technically, that was mainly Crooked Hillary’s fault. Obama was being cryogenically frozen at the time.

Glossy News: I see. And why is it that nobody knows about all these nefarious time travel missions?

Trump: Just ask anyone who attended last July’s Comic-Con convention – especially the Star Trek delegation. Check out my retweet of a guy who goes by @SpockRules432, who posted. “Hey, dudes. Time travel is real. I can prove Obama shot Lincoln.”

Glossy News: Okay, I have to stop you there, Mr. Trump. History proved conclusively that John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln. Or did you miss that tweet?

Trump: History’s wrong. Booth was framed. Obama did it. Booth was actually a great guy. A YUGE star in his day. He could bed any chick he wanted. Trust me.

Glossy News: Mr. Trump, do you even hear yourself? Obama went back in time and shot Lincoln?

Trump: But he had nothing whatsoever to do with the Garfield assassination.

Trump - DinosaursGlossy News: Because…?

Trump: Garfield was killed by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Glossy News: Of course, he was… because Arnold went back in time as the Terminator. Got it.

Trump: That’s what I read on BuzzFeed: 10 Political Assassinations That Will Shock You

Glossy News: Well, you sure make a compelling case against Obama and Hillary’s fitness to lead.

Trump: Oh, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Speaking of icebergs, I’ve got so much evidence linking Obama and Hillary to the sinking of the Titanic it will make your head spin.

Glossy News: You left out the Great Flood from the Bible. Were they behind that, too?

Trump: I’m not saying they caused the Great Flood. I’m not one to spread rumors. But I have to say, people are starting to talk. I’m just saying that history shows neither Hillary nor Obama are fit to lead this country.

Glossy News: Well, if anyone should know a thing or two about being unfit to be president, I’d say you’re the authority. Thank you for your time.

Trump: Any time. Would you like an “Obama shot Lincoln” hat?

Glossy News: No thanks. I’ll stick with my Red Sox cap.

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Yorkshire Icepick Weekend: 6 Interesting Things I Learned from the Hyde Park Trots

Yorkshire Icepick Weekend: 6 Interesting Things I Learned from the Hyde Park Trots

Here are several hilarious scientific-socialite shitticisms I learned not so long ago from the Hyde Park Radical Hipster Kool-Aid Community of Yorkshire.

(By the way, before you ask, yes: they were all bitter, middle aged white boys with a massive, ice-pick-flavored vanilla-chip on their shoulder): Continue Reading

Posted in Entertainment, Opinon/Editorial, Politics0 Comments

Donald Trump will lose BIGLY in November (by the numbers) VIDEO

Donald Trump will lose BIGLY in November (by the numbers) VIDEO

The fans and haters demanded it, so here’s another fact-based analysis of why Donald Trump will lose, and lose BIGLY in November. (Scroll down for comments from YouTube.)

I’m not going on feelings or impressions, but the analytics provided by the myriad pollsters, the pollster analysts, and those analyzing the meta-analysis of the pollsters.

Donald Trump COULD still win, but the odds grow longer by the day. It ain’t pretty, if you’re him. Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, Video News0 Comments

“To be Finished Would be a Relief”: Solving the Mystery of Cameron’s Resignation Song

“To be Finished Would be a Relief”: Solving the Mystery of Cameron’s Resignation Song

The end of David Cameron’s tenure as Prime Minister was a hectic one to say the least. With the country practically imploding after Brexit, Cameron had to take the blame for the emerging crisis. But when Cameron started humming a tune after his resignation speech (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Gz6mZYxS0A) it made matters more amusing, but also sent the internet and media into a craze of wild guesses: what was Cameron humming?

Continue Reading

Posted in Music, Politics0 Comments

Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

The Trump University Promise

At Trump University success is what it’s all about. Trump U is about a lot of things – but above all, how you can be successful by helping me become even more successful by enrolling in Trump University. You can enroll in our Business Entrepreneur Success curriculum for slightly more than the amount you’ve accumulated in your retirement nest egg. Enrollment is now open for Fall 2016. Check out some of my incredible courses. You’re going to love it. I guarantee it. – Donald J. Trump Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, Top Stories1 Comment

John Kerry/EU: You’re Gonna Make me Verbose When You Go

John Kerry/EU: You’re Gonna Make me Verbose When You Go

John Kerry has issued a (somewhat) heartfelt and (entirely) disinterested plea for Europe to stay in the EU.

But somehow, his customary shine, polish and wide-eyed eloquence of a typical well-beloved fairly center-leaning Secretary of State has temporarily deserted him. Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter

Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter

[Author’s Note: Glossy News’ Tim Jones was granted an exclusive interview with Donald Trump. He asked the Republican presidential nominee how he could still be running neck and neck with Hillary Clinton despite his repeated instances of inflammatory rhetoric and offensive remarks.]

Glossy News: Good afternoon, Mr. Trump. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: My pleasure. Let’s Make America Great Again. Would you like one of my baseball caps?

GN: I’m good. Thanks. Mr. Trump, the latest Quinnipiac poll shows you just two percentage points behind your Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton. How do you explain that you are running neck and neck –

Trump: I prefer to say ‘I’m breathing down her neck.’ Sexy, eh?

GN: Ahem, yes, well, how do you explain your continued success, given the endless list of offensive comments you have made about Mexicans, Muslims, women, gays, and other minority groups?

Trump: You left out people with disabilities.

GN: Oh right, yes, them as well. How is it that, despite all that, you’re still in a virtual dead heat for the presidential election?

Trump: Beats the Hell out of me. Wish I could explain it. Every day, I huddle with my advisors to strategize about how I can submarine my chances, but it seems no matter what I come up with, my poll numbers stay strong.

GN: I’m sorry. Did I hear you correctly? Are you saying you don’t actually want to be president?

Trump: Are you kidding me? What kind of idiot would want the worst job in the world? As president, no matter what you say or do, some knucklehead will attack you for being anti-American or a Muslim sympathizer or a loser – just like I do about Obama every chance I get.

GN: So you really don’t want to be president?

Trump: In my worst nightmares! Why else do you think I said John McCain wasn’t a real war hero? Why on earth would I say Mexicans are rapists or refuse to disavow a notorious racist like David Duke? I’ve done everything I can to lose this election. Nothing seems to work. I was sure my comment in the debates about the size of my penis would end my chances then and there, but nope. People loved it. Especially women. Go figure.

GN: So, help me understand, Mr. Trump. If you don’t want to be our next president, why on earth are you running?

Trump: It’s all about the brand. If you think the Trump brand was big before, that’s nothing compared to my brand now. Mine is the most famous name on the planet. I’m YUUUGE! The media can’t get enough of me. No matter what I say, I keep attracting more followers. Can I tell you about Trump University?

GN: Maybe another time. So it’s all about the Trump brand. Nothing else?

Trump: Bingo. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love this country. Where else could I make billions of dollars simply by running for President and posting tweets from my hotel room. Nobody is better at marketing than Donald J. Trump. But to your point, nobody wants Hillary to win more than I do. Trust me. Here, have a baseball cap.

GN: Thank you again, but really, I’m good. And speaking of your Make America Great Again caps, aren’t they made in China?

Trump: Yes. To be more specific, in child-labor sweat shops. You’d think people would get upset about that, but they just don’t seem to care. They tell me “Way to go, Donald, for helping all those poor kids find jobs.”

GN: So what else are you trying to ensure you lose the election?

Trump: I’m constantly brainstorming with my senior campaign staff to conceive even more offensive statements to tank my campaign.

GN: Mind sharing a few?

Trump: Sure. Last week, we came up with what I thought was a brlliant idea. I tweeted out, “Ronald Reagan was a closet homosexual.” I figured it would outrage lifelong Republicans.

GN: Wow! Did it help?

Trump - losing the election - Finger pointingTrump: Nope. My poll numbers went up four percentage points. One person tweeted, and I quote, “I find Mr. Trump’s comments about our greatest president deeply disturbing. And yet, I find his words oddly appealing and heartfelt.”

GN: That must keep you up at night.

Trump: Tell me about it. A few days later, I tweeted, “Teenage girls are super-hot. If elected, I’ll make it legal to have sex with girls under 18.”

GN: Ouch. Pretty offensive, that’s for sure. What happened?

Trump: On the bright side, my support among women dropped by two percent. But my support from white men over 30 surged by 12%. I can’t win. I mean, I can’t lose – no matter how hard I try.

GN: So are you concerned you might actually win?

Trump: I’m starting to be, yes. I’ve worked extremely hard to attain the worst approval ratings of any presidential candidate in history. I currently have an unheard of 70% unfavorable rating! And yet, yesterday, in a CNN interview with Wolf Blitzer, who is Jewish by the way, I said “I love the Jews. Love their matzah bread. But why are all of you such cheap tightwads?”

VFTB: Okay, I’ll bite. What happened?

Trump: My approval ratings among Jewish voters went up five points.

VFTB: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an uncle who is really tight with his money.”

GN: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an aunt who is really tight with her money. And would it hurt her to get a nose job? She sure has the money.”

GN: So what are you going to do about it?

Trump: Clearly I need to up my game. I’m working on a tweet for tomorrow about how we should allow any kid over the age of seven to carry an assault weapon to school for protection. That should send the gun control wing nuts over the edge. I also plan to announce next week that I’ve narrowed down my list of possible VP candidates to Pee Wee Herman and Charlie Sheen. If that doesn’t work, my Hail Mary fallback plan is to tweet that Jesus was the Antichrist.

GN: That’s highly offensive. Good luck with that. But I have to ask, Mr. Trump, given that no matter how outrageous your remark, it doesn’t seem to hurt your poll numbers, have you thought about what you’ll do if you actually win the election next November?

Trump: God forbid I’m elected, I would immediately move to impeach myself.

GN: On what grounds?

Trump: I was thinking of having three-way sex in the Oval Office with Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin and posting a live feed of it and breaking into an episode of Sesame Street.

GN: Good luck with that. Thank you for your time.

Trump: It was my pleasure. Make America Great Again. Wanna have a hat?

GN: Um, sure. Why not. Thank you.

Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

BREAKING NEWS: USA Votes to Leave North America

BREAKING NEWS: USA Votes to Leave North America

(Washington, D.C.) In the wake of Great Britain’s recent populist-led decision to leave the European Union, momentum gathered quickly for the United States to follow suit. In a flurry of referendum-lobbying activity, spurred on primarily by Donald Trump and his vocal supporters, citizens went to the polls yesterday, and in one of the closest margins in history – 50.1% to 49.9% – voted officially to exit the continent of North America.

The “AMEXIT” decision, as it is being called, has stunned global leaders, who, while fearful of other European nations following Britain’s lead, had no idea it might incite the United States to do the same. When asked to comment on the decision, President Obama, clearly agitated and confused, held a brief press conference in which he opined, “How did this happen? This will be disastrous for our country. Are we a nation of idiots?”

Upon learning that the United States had decided to withdraw from the continent, Donald Trump tweeted, “We are making America, I mean, the United States, great again. No longer under the thumb of the oppressive North American dictatorship.”

Political experts are unclear what the impact of the United States’ withdrawal will be, starting with what to call the country moving forward, since as one political observer pointed out, “Well, it’s obviously no longer the United States OF AMERICA, is it?” So far, none of the proposed new names have garnered much support, including: “The country formerly known as the United States of America,” and “The United States of It’s None of Your Business.” Others have suggested discarding the USA brand completely and simply calling the nation “Trumpistan.”

The Dow Jones plummeted more than 9,000 points in the opening 20 minutes of trading after the news. In more bad news for the economy, the U.S. dollar lost 35% of its value by the end of trading, causing a panic among investors. Many financial experts believe a deep economic depression on par with the 1929 crash is inevitable. On the positive side, Mr. Trump argued that this was actually great news for the country, saying, “Why is everybody freaking out? This will be incredible for tourism. People from Europe and even CHINA will visit our country and buy a lot more stuff and spend tons of money at Trump hotels and resorts, now that everything is so cheap for them.”

It’s unclear exactly what drove the sudden push to exit North America. When asked why they voted to secede, pro-AMEXITers gave a variety of vague responses often supported by confusing reasoning. Ned Moronovitch of Biloxi, Mississippi explained, “I want my country back. I’m sick and tired of having to do whatever North America tells us to do. I’ve had enough!” When it was pointed out that the continent of North America doesn’t actually have any control over the decisions of the United States, Moronovitch replied, “You sound like a communist. Are you a commie?”

AMEXIT - Trump rallyAnother AMEXIT supporter, Darlene Lemming, of Murfreesboro, Arkansas, passionately defended her vote, saying, “I refuse to sit here and just let any old Mexican, Guatemalan or Canadian walk across my border to take my job – without even having to show a passport.” When it was explained to her that they can’t actually do that, and that it’s not like the open borders of the European Union, Ms. Lemming replied, “Oh yeah? Well that’s not what my cousin Buford says. He says the Mexican murderers are taking over our country so we have to stop that.”

Still another AMEXIT supporter, Jeb Haitemahl, from Spartanburg, South Carolina, argued forcefully that this move was long overdue: “It’s about time. Let’s make the USA great again.” When pressed for details as to how this would make the USA great, Haitemahl simply said, “Well, I heard that Hillary was a North American, so now she can’t run for president – which is great by me! I sure hope we build that wall on our northern and western borders too!”

An interesting perspective on a reason to back the LEAVE vote came from Bert Nottaclew, of Nome, Alaska, who said, “I’m sick of having to be stuck up here in snowy, cold North America. I can’t wait for this great country to get outta Dodge and move some place warmer. Do you think they might move the country to the Caribbean? That would be fricken’ awesome!”

The domestic and global implications of the separation are as yet unclear. For example, experts are debating whether this vote might create the long-sought opportunity to finally kick out Texas. It is anticipated that the North American withdrawal process will create scores of logistical headaches as government agencies scramble to figure out exactly what this decision means.

Senior administration officials express concern that there are no provisions in federal statutes, case law or the Constitution itself to provide guidance as to how to leave a continent. In more hopeful news, Donald Trump has indicated that he knows exactly how to do it and has an amazing plan, promising that the resulting new nation will be a YUGE improvement. But so far details of his plan have not been released.

Shortly after the decision to exit North America, Google announced that the top two internet searches in the first 24 hours after the vote were “What is North America?” and “Am I an idiot?”

Posted in Making Headlines, Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (2/2)

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (2/2)

So, is Red Ken actually trans-Jewish after all? Let’s see what me old China has to say.

Eh! Tell yer what lad, that’s well nice!

Eh! Ah think Ah could actually be a trans-Jewish meself, cos, yer know, know what Ah mean, me ‘as ad a nice WELL GOOD bagel the other day in the Islington EcoVedanta Smoothie Cafe, it went down a fahcking treat, did that! Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (1/2)

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (1/2)

Good ol’ Red Ken recently lost his shit here at Glossy News over media accusations of antisemitism.

He has also said ‘Technically lad, I might be a Jew meself, eh? Know what Ah mean, mate?!’ Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

Referendum shock tactics

Referendum shock tactics

It started as a Conservative party election promise – if we voted them in, we could have our say on EU membership. Well, we did vote them in and now it’s finally going to happen. On Thursday 23rd May the UK will go to the polls for a monumental referendum on whether or not we should continue our membership of the EU. What the outcome of that vote will be is all but impossible to predict and punters are already placing their bets. However, one thing can be said for certain – in the run up to the referendum the shock tactics and a liberal idea of what constitutes the ‘truth’ have been rife on both sides. Let’s take a look at some of the words and actions both the leave and the remain camp have shocked us with over the course of their campaigning.

Tangled in red tape Continue Reading

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Neocon Puts the Boot into Journalist: Foot Now Halfway Up His Own Arse!

Neocon Puts the Boot into Journalist: Foot Now Halfway Up His Own Arse!

In a recent article, Justin Raimondo of Antiwar wrote about notable neocon intellectual and prominent thought-leadership advocate Max Boot’s comments on Trump: apparently, he would prefer to vote for Stalin than Donald Trump.

(So, at least he doesn’t believe in so-called ‘moral equivalence.’ He’s being a good neocon, then!) Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (3/3)

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (3/3)

And the utter soul-destroying horseshit goes on.

So, what else do we know about Moderate Daesh? Well, the Moderate Daeshis, just like their fellow MPIs (Moderate Political Islamists) the Muslim Brotherhood, always wear a condom…

Even when they are plunging the fear of God into the besuffered little children who are coming unto them, rather than into full grown men and big boys and their upright plastic Johnsons like you and me!!!

Moderate Daeshis, just like their fellow MPI counterparts in Tunisia, do not believe in torturing alcohol sellers to death. Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (2/3)

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (2/3)

The drip-drip-drip of resentful gushing (or at least, the salty current of ‘that’s a bit rich!’-nesses), crabbedly flowing forth from the highly creative and dynamic pen of Dick Cheney continues to swirl and course… Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (1/3)

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (1/3)

A confidential document by former dickwaver-in-chief, uh, dick waver in chief, uh, vice leader, uh, Vice President (as if!) Cheney has recently been uncovered to the world.

Well, this one has pretty much rocked all of us here at Glossy News, going forward.

Rocked us to the very marrow… Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

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