BOISE, Idaho – Sen. Sam Getzless of Pocatello, Idaho is fuming mad about the recent bill passed in his state banning virtual lap dances, otherwise known as “laptop dances.” Getzless claims the ban will affect roughly half the population as roughly half the residents of Idaho are male. Roughly.

“What a man does in the privacy of his own home should be sacred,” said Getzless, after waiting for the results of a vote on the Senate floor. Continue Reading

Dateline: WASHINGTON—Polls indicate that Republicans are more respected by Americans, as a result of their complicated response to Russian President Putin’s invasion of Ukraine.

Since George W. Bush’s second term, polls revealed that Americans’ respect for Republicans had plummeted. Analysts say this was because Americans perceived that Republicans have one of the easiest jobs in the world.
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Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring like the Canadians.

Ukraine is split between ethnic Russians in the eastern part of the country and pro-European, ethnic-Ukrainians in the west. Likewise, Canada is split between Catholic, French-speaking Quebecers, left-wingers in Ontario and British Columbia, and conservatives in the prairies. Continue Reading

Dateline: OTTAWA—Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring, like Canadians.
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In a six minute address before a Senate Hearing on Alzheimer’s research funding that has gone viral on the Internet, comedian and actor Seth Rogan was successful at focusing discussion on the lack of knowledge and attention paid to Seth Rogan.

Rogan, who holds fundraisers for the Alzheimer’s Association, which took in 240 million last year but curiously spent only 14 on research grants, skillfully maneuvered the discussion away from the lack of Alzheimer’s research funding by Government and the Alzheimer’s Association and onto why members of Congress have not seen his movie “Knocked Up”. Continue Reading

Giddy with the joy of Christ at successfully legalizing state sponsored endorsement of dark age phobias and insanities the Arizona State Legislature voted to to change the State slogan and motto along with other state designations and affiliations. Continue Reading

Ministers last night applauded Britain’s leading Roman Catholic for being well-informed and on point. They praised Archbishop of Westminster Vincent Nichols after he denounced government poverty creation schemes.

Downing Street said David Cameron believes there is a moral case only for reforming the corrupt tax system to get international companies to stop avoiding payment of their full dues by squirreling their UK profits into offshore accounts. Continue Reading

In a desperate attempt to avoid a statewide water shortage, California governor Jerry Brown has requested that all men and women in the state pee outside in the woods, on the lawn or in a garden area.

“These are desperate times”, Brown reminded reporters. “We need to conserve water any way we can!”

Brown claims that if all 38 million residents of California follow his proposal this would save the state 832,200,000,000 gallons of fresh water a year, assuming for 3 gallon per flush and 6 pisses per day per person.

Browns other water saving proposals include:

Showering no more than once a week. And two or more people showering at a time. Assuming 20 gallons of fresh water per shower this would save the state at least 277,400,000,000 gallons per year.

Don’t wash your car. This would result in an additional savings of over 24,000,000,000 gallons per year.

In addition to the above proposals Brown urges residents to drink only bottled water that has been bottled in water rich areas such as Maine or North Dakota. This would save the state an additional 13,870,000,000 gallons per year.

Agricultural use of water to be reduced by 2/3 resulting in a yearly savings of nearly 1 trillion gallons per year.

“These would be temporary measures until the drought is over”, the governor continued. “Please don’t make me send out the National Guard to make these things mandatory!”

Many believed it would be a dramatic and historic meeting between President Obama and NRA leader Wayne LaPierre when they met at a press conference in New York this afternoon.

After a long standing feud (minus guns but about guns) between the two for the entire duration of Obama’s term, the President has finally admitted defeat and will cave in to the NRA’s demands that anybody anywhere can buy and possess guns of any make at any time they so wish. Continue Reading

Dateline: LOS ANGELES—In a documentary about the life of the infamous anarchist and sadistic mass murder, Max Truculence, Mr. Truculence criticizes American conservatives for being “soft-hearted, effeminate phonies.”

He spoke from prison, since he’s currently serving a thousand year sentence for murdering hundreds of American liberals, raping dozens of women, and blowing up three federal buildings. Continue Reading

Most political scandals in America have a Washington connection. Think Watergate, Abscam, Iran-Contra and Clinton-Lewinsky. In the case of the maelstrom surrounding Chris Christie, however, the Washington connection happens to be the George Washington Bridge spanning New Jersey and Manhattan.

For those who might have been out of the country or trapped in traffic on said bridge, Governor Christie is in hot water because his staffers arranged a traffic tie-up on the GWB last September in retaliation for the lack of a reelection endorsement from Fort Lee’s Democratic Mayor Mark Sokolich. Continue Reading

On Tuesday night, President Barack Obama gave his 5th State of the Union address. It was a mixed bag, if you ask anyone who was listening. As usual, Obama failed in his attempt to bring the country to a closer understanding of each other. The GOP response to the SOTU address proved that point.

Putting up a woman to do a man’s job was a ploy the GOP is good at, and they didn’t disappoint this time either. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state delivered the counter-punch to the collective Obama gut Continue Reading

A reading of parts of a manuscript dated to 1692, has been found to contain the surname Ward. This name, when researched, may suggest that Henrietta McAutrey, nee Ward, is a thrice-removed cousin of our own Sarah Palin.

You may think that Henrietta Ward was one of the accused witches prosecuted during the Salem Witch Trials, given who she may be related to. However, Ms. Ward was actually a cousin herself of Cotton Mather, one of the foremost proponents of evil spirits Continue Reading

Dateline: Richardsville, Suckersland—Economic inequality in Suckersland has reached its ultimate end point: a single man in that nation owns absolutely everything and all of the other inhabitants are broke or in debt.

Lord Richard, the man who literally has everything, surveys Suckersland from one of his palaces, sending in his robotic henchmen to remind the masses of their lowly station. Continue Reading

Our Historic Leaders, Madison and Jefferson, Also had A Hobby Making Frankensteins.

There are unknown, dark portions of our history that our leaders would just as soon hope we didn’t learn. There are secrets about those who are at the helm and have the stewardship of our country that would cause many to become sickened and lose their patriotic fervor were they ever to be revealed. Continue Reading

It is said that Ronald Reagan haunts the White House, and a visitor to the stately home has come forward to bring a message from Reagan beyond the grave.

“He says he’s sorry for advocating trickle-down economics, and if he was President today, he would never have let his wealthy friends convince him of such a stupid policy in the first place,” says Lucy Landers, a 7th grade Social Studies teacher from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Continue Reading