MIAMI, FL —GlossyNews In a revealing, some even said shocking, poll taken after the Jacksonville GOPTea™ debate in Florida, Fidel Castro came in 4% ahead of Newt Gingrich, one of the real candidates for the presidential primary contest. The poll has a MOE of ±.025% and was conducted in the city’s central semi-residential district. People who answered any of the street pay phones that were called were asked 3 questions. The questions were asked only in Spanish, but not with a Cuban accent. Continue Reading

Folks in Pennsylvania have been complaining for years about all the taxpayer money they spend on lavishing their resident star groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, with the best hole in the county and some of the finest fruits and vegetables around. For what they’re spending, they don’t feel they are getting much more than a quick peek out the hole every year to see how much more of a winter they have to endure. Continue Reading

Ringling Brothers Circus is suing both the Republican and Democratic Parties for infringements on the copyright claim of running ‘The Biggest Circus In The World’. The Ringling Brothers, for a century the largest traveling circus on the circuit, is now upset that the two Presidential Parties are now cutting into their business.

“Our clowns are at least professional!” stated Ringling Manager Chuck D. Cheese, a midget with the circus, as I held the mike down so he could speak up into it. “When we get laughs it is because we intend to. And we don’t wear no three piece suits trying to look normal.” Continue Reading

Volunteers for GOP candidate Rick Santorum say they are growing more tired by the day trying to come up with good things to say about Newt Gingrich in order to keep the Gingrich/Santorum tag team going against candidate Mitt Romney.

“At first we thought, ok, Newt is a bright dude, he has a bit more Washington experience than our Rick does, and ganging up on Romney would get us further than if we went after him ourselves,” said Jim Voeticki, chief organizer of the Santorum campaign. Continue Reading

SCENARIO- A secret laboratory deep underground beneath the American Heritage Think Tank And Karaoke Lounge in Washington. It is a room filled with strange scientific paraphernalia- tubes transporting strangely colored liquids run here and there connecting into buzzing machines. Varied colored indicator lights flicker on and off. All of these things seem to center upon a mysterious, human-shaped chamber filled with swirling gases in the middle of the room. Continue Reading

DES MOINES, IA —GlossyNews GOPTea Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich proposes to mount a nationwide nomination strategy without the use of a strong professional campaign staff. He says all he has is Callista. Gingrich freely admits it is a dizzy idea. “It’s Callista and I against them all. We’re hauling in office furniture right now, and we haven’t the foggiest idea of where we are.” Continue Reading

WASHINGTON DC —GlossyNews The GOPTea has sent out an amazing alternate proposal to the 50 states, territories and District of Columbia to replace the various GOPTea presidential caucuses and primaries in 2012 with a complicated Rock/Paper/Scissors Contest, or GOPTea–RPS. And it’s winner take all. Continue Reading

“I’ve given it much consideration,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie at an impromptu news conference called late Monday afternoon at the New Jersey diner where Christie is a regular customer. “I know that this decision will have a major impact on my wife Mary Pat, as well as my children, and so what I am about to tell you comes from my having spent hours upon hours upon hours spent in deep thought and reflection and it is a decision I do not take lightly.

With baited breath, the audience waited to hear those magical words, that Christie has decided to run for President.

“My fellow Americans, I am here today to announce to you my decision to choose a Weight Watcher’s diet over Atkins. My reasons for doing so…” but the crowd stood in silence. “You mean you’re freakin’ gonna finally go on a diet?” yelled someone from the back of the crowd.

“Yes,” replied Christie, puffing his chest out a bit more, so proud of himself and his decision. “Oh, and by the way, for the hundredth time folks, I am NOT running for President.”

HOLLYWOOD – Look out, Snooki! Here come Newt and Mitt! Watch your back, Simon Cowell! The “TX-Factor” is right behind you!

While television network executives grapple with the generally weak ratings for their new fall lineup – a mostly tepid rehash of formulaic reality shows, sitcoms and police procedurals – the season’s one breakout hit has caught the TV industry completely by surprise with its unique and unprecedented combination of unscripted reality, riotous comedy, blood-thirsty horror and nail-biting suspense.

“They’re running…AND SO SHOULD YOU!” is the promotional catchphrase for what has quickly become the must-see show of the fall 2011 season. Officially entitled “The Republican Presidential Debates” but now more commonly referred to as just “RPD” by its growing legion of rabid fans, the show has already made household names of its plucked-from-near-obscurity stars: Mitt, Rick P., Michele, Newt, Ron, Herman, Jon, Rick S. and Gary.

Offering a compelling mix of reality and fantasy, comedy and tragedy, verbal pratfalls, jaw-dropping misstatements and heated trash-talking – not only about the President of the United States but also about each other – “RFD” is now the number one subject of office water cooler talk on the day following each episode.

“We haven’t talked about a show this much at work ever since Lost ended,” said Lori Enders, an office manager for a medical equipment wholesaler. “And, just as we used to be obsessed with whether Ben, the leader of The Others, was good or evil, now we’re asking the same question about Mitt. I mean, on the one hand, yes, he does look like one of those rich, handsome villains on ‘Colombo’, but then again, whenever he’s standing next to Rick P., it makes me think, well, at least Mitt doesn’t look like a serial killer.”

“I loved it when Rick P. told Mitt that he must not have a heart if he was against letting the children of illegal aliens pay lower in-state university tuition fees,” said self-proclaimed “RFD fanatic” Chris O’Dell. “It’s like, wow, when a guy who has overseen the execution of 234 prisoners says you have no heart, then you’ve really got to be one cold motherf**ker, right?”

“My favorite is Michele,” said LeeAnne Henderson, a high school student. “She’s so pretty, and I was so sorry for her when she explained that the reason she’s mentally retarded is because some woman in the audience injected her with some government anti-STD vaccine. I’m sure as heck not going to get a vaccination like that and risk giving cancer to one of my many boyfriends when we’re having unprotected sex. Now, every time Michele speaks, I’m always yelling at the screen, ‘You go, girl! Show ‘em what a mentally disabled person can do!’”

But, all fans agree that the real stars of “RPD” are the members of its studio audiences, who succeed in transforming the show from a mere political debate into something more closely resembling a gladiatorial blood-fest at the Roman Coliseum.

“When the audience cheered for letting that hypothetical uninsured 30-year-old sick man die, or when they booed that gay soldier in Iraq who’s putting his life on the line for us, I was like, whoa, this is the most terrifying show in the history of television!” said Earl Patterson, an unemployed auto mechanic. “Really. Those people make the flesh-eating zombies on ‘The Walking Dead’ or the ravenous vampires on ‘True Blood’ look like a bunch of pussies.”

“They also make me realize how much I miss ‘The Jerry Springer Show’,” Patterson noted.

Finally, “RPD” has broken even more new ground by airing each of its episodes on a different television network. So far, the show’s ratings beneficiaries have been Fox, CNN and NBC. But there’s no doubt that the other networks, enviously observing the success of “RPD”, will be hurrying to produce their own knock-off versions of the show.

Fox itself is already rumored to be in development of its own exclusive series, which builds on the existing “RPD” format with exciting additions such as the live execution of a convicted felon and a competition in which audience members submit their most virulent epithets for President Obama in order to vie for the chance to disconnect a terminally ill patient’s Medicaid-funded life support.

Meanwhile, the best news for viewers is that the 2012 U.S. presidential election is still more than a year away. So, stay tuned!

President-elect Obama today had lunch with four former Presidents- Bush 1 and 2, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter. George Bush Sr. from habit wiped his hands with a sanitized wipe after shaking Obama’s hand. All gave him bits of advice from their Presidential experience.

Mini-me Bush showed him the secret drawer on the desk where he could quickly stash his video game if guests arrived unexpectedly. Carter suggested that he not lust in his heart. Clinton suggested he not lust in his pants. Continue Reading

Really I don’t understand why so many Liberals I have lots of admiration for get kinda ‘mouth foamy’ at the mention of Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann. My liberal friends seem to genuinely despise those two women. Myself, I don’t really hate anybody. Except for the guy who did that ‘Pina Colada” song; he should be water boarded. Continue Reading

Paul Ryan is back home in Wisconsin and resting comfortably after suffering an attack by a pack of angry lemurs at a Southwest Florida elementary school where Ryan was speaking last Friday. “He’s got a few nasty scratches,” said Ryan’s wife, Janna, “but doctors expect him to make a full recovery within a few weeks.” Continue Reading

Dick Cheney claims his new book In My Time is accomplishing exactly what he set out to accomplish, shattering dreams of an idyllic America and pissing people off. “This is a war zone people, and the sooner you get it into your thick heads, the better,” said Cheney at a recent book signing at the local Army Navy Surplus Store in downtown Des Moines, Iowa. Continue Reading

Earlier this month, after a long and contentious fight between Democrats and Tea Party Republicans, our federal government narrowly avoided its first-ever credit default. People all over the world waited anxiously to find out whether our elected officials were going to voluntarily inflict economic suicide on the nation. In the final nail-biting hours, they reached a compromise to avert disaster – much to the bitter disappointment of every Tea Party member in America. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON – Embattled Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke’s position on the limited ability of the Fed to stimulate the nation’s sluggish economy was vigorously defended today by a homeless and badly undernourished former expert on monetary policy.

Arthur Peterson, a 58-year-old unemployed economist who is unable to remember the last meal he ate, said he agrees with Bernanke’s assessment and doubts that any attempt by the agency to bolster short-term economic growth would be sufficient to prevent him from starving to death by the end of this week. Continue Reading

This afternoon, after polling the five thousand intelligent and educated people in the United States, the recently-formed Rationalist Party announced its nomination of Neil deGrasse Tyson for President.

The Rationalist Party was formed in early 2010 by fellows of the Center for Inquiry – a non-profit organization with the mission of fostering a secular society based on science, reason, freedom of inquiry and humanist values. The party’s platform generally reflects the values of scientists and advocates for science and reason. Continue Reading