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Hide your pets! Obama has plans for them!

Hide your pets! Obama has plans for them!

Announcer: With everyone discussing ObamaCare, Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of Yucky World, will be interviewing the President about his latest health care plan.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. President.

Obama: Thank you, Janey.

Dick: So what are you planning on getting wrong this time, Mr. President?

Janey: Dick, please! Show a little respect!

Obama: That’s okay. I’m used to hearing stuff like that from the troglodytes at Fox News, but even Dick might like my latest idea.

Dick: Really!

Obama: It’s called the Adorable PetCare Act. By executive order, I’m going to provide health care for all our nation’s pets.

Dick: Does that include moose?

Obama: You have a moose for a pet?

Dick: Not yet…but I’m thinking about it. I’m a big Bullwinkle fan.

Janey: Sure, Dick. Have you learned anything from your ObamaCare mistakes?

Obama: Definitely! This time I’m not making promises I can’t keep. When I announce the plan later this week, I will say, “If you like your pet, you can keep your pet. Asterisk.”

Dick: Asterisk! What’s that for?

Obama: It covers any future changes I may have to make in the plan.

Dick: You know, the Constitution’s only been amended 27 times in over 200 years, but you’ve already made over 30 changes in ObamaCare.

Obama: I’m surprised you can count that high, Dick.

Janey: He had some trouble when he ran out of toes.

Dick: You said that people who help folks to sign up for ObamaCare do “God’s work”. What about those who lost their health care?

Obama: I blame those insurance devils!

Dick: You sure it wasn’t Bush’s fault?

Obama: Not this time. The devil was in the details. We’re thinking about an exorcism.

Dick: Ooh-kay. Isn’t the PetCare Act just another example of you using your pencil and phone to go around Congress?

Janey: Dick, he actually said pen.

Obama: Strangely enough, Dick’s more right than wrong. I’m asking Congress to write all future laws in pencil so that way it’ll be easier for me to change them.

Dick: Thank God the Constitution was written in ink!

Obama: That’s where the phone comes in handy. I used it to order a case of Whiteout.

Janey: Have you made any other important calls?

Obama: I did phone Senator Reid.

Janey: And?

Obama: The Senator is upset with the IRS. Apparently he still hasn’t received his 10% reward for turning in Gov. Romney in 2012 for not paying taxes for the previous 10 years.

Dick: I guess Dirty Harry made an offer that the IRS could refuse.

Obama: I told the Senator I’d look into it, but, as I’ve said before, there’s not a smidgen of corruption at the IRS.

Dick: Tell that to the pro-marriage group that had its donors’ list leaked by the IRS.

Obama: Even if that’s true, it’s probably just an iota which is a lot less than a smidgen.

Dick: Weasel words!

Obama: Yeah, well, I hate to tell you this, Dick, but weasels aren’t covered under the PetCare Act!

Janey: Can you tell us some of its other provisions?

Dick: Yeah! Like will there be free contraceptives for our pets?

Obama: We’re thinking more like mandatory neutering.

Dick: But if you neuter all our pets, eventually there won’t be any left.

Obama: Exactly!

Dick: There goes Bullwinkle, Jr.

Obama: This provision will also decrease income inequality!

Janey: Huh?

Obama: Since poor people spend a greater percentage of their income on their pets than the rich do, eliminating pets will reduce the gap between the rich and the poor.

Janey: What are you planning on doing once you leave the White House?

Obama: Actually, I’m thinking about running for a third term.

Dick: But…but the Constitution limits you to just two.

Obama: Only until my case of Whiteout is delivered.

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Politics0 Comments

Harry Reid Takes on Bundy Family, Al says “Let’s Rock”

Harry Reid Takes on Bundy Family, Al says “Let’s Rock”

(Nevada) – Senate Majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has doubled down on his name calling by referring to the Bundy family as ‘domestic terrorists’ after the Bundy home became a lightning rod for controversy involving unpaid taxes.

The situation began after patriarch Al Bundy refused to pay taxes on Big ‘Uns magazines as well as Bon-Bons and hair care products for wife Peggy.

“Those things are basic essentials, like food and water,” proclaimed Al. “You can’t tax hooters! It’s un-American!”
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Posted in Politics, Television1 Comment

Obama Delays Holidays Until After Election

Obama Delays Holidays Until After Election

(Washington, D.C.) – On Friday, President Obama pushed back making a decision on the long debated Keystone XL Pipeline until after the upcoming 2014 midterm elections.

Worried about upsetting his core constituencies, Mr. Obama decided that while he had his pen and phone out he would make a few other executive decisions as well.

Since it was too late to do anything about Easter, the President decided to push the observances of Memorial Day, the Fourth of July, and Labor Day back to the middle of November and after the election. Continue Reading

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MSNBC Host Enters Rehab for ‘Tingles’ and Slobbering Affection for President

MSNBC Host Enters Rehab for ‘Tingles’ and Slobbering Affection for President

(Palm Springs, CA) – After nearly six years of denial, MSNBC talk show host Chris Matthews, has finally checked himself into rehab due to the “tingles” he experiences whenever he sees, hears or meets President Barack Obama.

Matthews has been afflicted with the condition, an extremely rare condition involving a sensation he feels up his leg at the mere mention of the President, and traditional western medicine has been unable to come up with a suitable treatment plan or cure for the disorder. Continue Reading

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Koch Bros. Top $100 Billion, Dead Pharaohs Impressed

Koch Bros. Top $100 Billion, Dead Pharaohs Impressed

Charles and David Koch, best known for the purest grades of frack-water you drink and the mercury you breathe, have reportedly topped the $100 billion mark in net worth. Let’s break down how much money that really is.

Clearly it’s a lot, but more than that, it’s a nearly unfathomable amount. So absurd is this load of cash that I’ll post my math at the end so you can verify for yourself that this is really real. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics2 Comments

The Charge Of The Light Brigade Revisited; Russia Invades Ukraine Edition

The Charge Of The Light Brigade Revisited; Russia Invades Ukraine Edition

There is a famous poem written about another famous invasion of Crimea from the 1800′s- the British fighting the Russians on the Crimean Peninsula.

It is called ‘The Charge Of The Light Brigade’ by Alfred Lord Tennyson and concerns itself with the insane and callous ordering of a Brigade of horsemen to attack a Russian battalion that had them surrounded on three sides. It was a popularly received bit of writing; so famous that several movies were made about it.

In lieu of recent developments in the Ukraine here is a modern remake of it- from the Russian point of view this time followed by the original poem:

(P.S.- a league is a measurement of land.)

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All into the Crimea,
Flew the six thousand.
Forward the Russian flag!
Let’s play political tag!
Into the comrade Ukraine,
Flew the six thousand.

Forward the Russian flag!
Was there a man portrayed,
Who still did not know,
It was all a political play?
If they were to question why,
Putin would scold them not to cry,
It is not their business to pry,
Into the cold Crimea,
Flew the six thousand.

Protestors to the north of them,
Tartars to the right of them,
Ukranians to the left of them,
Screaming and shouting.
Disguised as though they Ukrainen be,
Put on an act did they,
In the town squares,
In the countryside,
Came the six thousand.

Putin lied, his face so bare,
Said “We must take real care,
Else our fellow Russians there,
Will go over to the other side,
And our orders will not abide.”
As all the world wonders.
Putting on airs that all is normal,
Though all around was a political squall,
Cossack and Russian,
Performed as though in a fairy tale,
Written by Tschaicovsky,
Then came even more,
Many more than the six thousand.

Protestors to the north of them,
Tartars to the left of them,
Ukranians to the right of them,
Threatened with sanctions.
They knew they had an easy gig,
Plus they were backed up by MIG’s.
Pretending to protect their countrymen,
When really they don’t give a fig,
Then arrived yet more of them,
Adding to the six thousand.

When will they go back home,
So that I can end this poem?
All the world wonders.
Your wives are going to fool around,
Your neighbor will feel her Venus Mound,
Go home, please, six thousand!

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

THE ORIGINAL POEM

The Charge of the Light Brigade
Half a league, half a league,
  Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death,
  Rode the six hundred.
‘Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns’ he said:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

‘Forward, the Light Brigade!’
Was there a man dismay’d?
Not tho’ the soldiers knew
  Some one had blunder’d:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die:
Into the valley of Death
  Rode the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
  Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
  Rode the six hundred.

Flash’d all their sabres bare,
Flash’d as they turned in air
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army while
  All the world wonder’d:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro’ the line they broke;
Cossack and Russian
Reel’d from the sabre-stroke
Shatter’d and sunder’d.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
  Volley’d and thunder’d;
Storm’d at with shot and shell,
While horse and hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro’ the jaws of Death,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
  Left of six hundred.

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
  All the world wonder’d.
Honour the charge they made!
Honour the Light Brigade,
  Noble six hundred

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Posted in Politics, War Zone8 Comments

Weakest Lincoln: Thinkin’ or Not, Napolitano Craps Out

Weakest Lincoln: Thinkin’ or Not, Napolitano Craps Out

Fox News contributor Judge Andrew Napolitano appeared on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart this week to strut his contrarian cred and ruffle some feathers. Problem is, he was just… plain… wrong.

It was great of him to appear on The Daily Show. It really humanized him in ways painfully few of the one-dimensional Fox News caricatures ever bother to. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics2 Comments

Leaders Celebrate Leadership for the Infantilized Masses

Leaders Celebrate Leadership for the Infantilized Masses

Dateline: WASHINGTON—On this year’s Leadership Day, leaders from around the world in governments and corporations spoke about the meaning of leadership while the millions of followers showed that they understood by sitting cross-legged in circles, holding hands, and defecating in their diapers.

“Americans still believe in an America where everything is possible,” said President Obama. “They just don’t think their leaders do. We have a failure of leadership. Too often leaders pretend they’re taking their followers forward, only to take them backward. I lead from behind so that if we start moving backward I can hold out my arms, block any movement in that dastardly direction, and push us forward instead, forward to freedom.”
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Posted in Biz News, Politics13 Comments

Idaho State Senator Furious Over Virtual Lap Dance Ban

Idaho State Senator Furious Over Virtual Lap Dance Ban

BOISE, Idaho – Sen. Sam Getzless of Pocatello, Idaho is fuming mad about the recent bill passed in his state banning virtual lap dances, otherwise known as “laptop dances.” Getzless claims the ban will affect roughly half the population as roughly half the residents of Idaho are male. Roughly.

“What a man does in the privacy of his own home should be sacred,” said Getzless, after waiting for the results of a vote on the Senate floor. Continue Reading

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Polls show increased Respect for Republican Shamelessness

Polls show increased Respect for Republican Shamelessness

Dateline: WASHINGTON—Polls indicate that Republicans are more respected by Americans, as a result of their complicated response to Russian President Putin’s invasion of Ukraine.

Since George W. Bush’s second term, polls revealed that Americans’ respect for Republicans had plummeted. Analysts say this was because Americans perceived that Republicans have one of the easiest jobs in the world.
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Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring like the Canadians.

Ukraine is split between ethnic Russians in the eastern part of the country and pro-European, ethnic-Ukrainians in the west. Likewise, Canada is split between Catholic, French-speaking Quebecers, left-wingers in Ontario and British Columbia, and conservatives in the prairies. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News5 Comments

Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Canadians urge Ukrainians to seek Peace through Dullness

Dateline: OTTAWA—Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring, like Canadians.
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Posted in Making Headlines, Politics, World News10 Comments

Seth Rogan Testifies Before Congress About Seth Rogan

Seth Rogan Testifies Before Congress About Seth Rogan

In a six minute address before a Senate Hearing on Alzheimer’s research funding that has gone viral on the Internet, comedian and actor Seth Rogan was successful at focusing discussion on the lack of knowledge and attention paid to Seth Rogan.

Rogan, who holds fundraisers for the Alzheimer’s Association, which took in 240 million last year but curiously spent only 14 on research grants, skillfully maneuvered the discussion away from the lack of Alzheimer’s research funding by Government and the Alzheimer’s Association and onto why members of Congress have not seen his movie “Knocked Up”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Politics7 Comments

Arizona State Legisislature Votes To Change State Motto, Slogan

Arizona State Legisislature Votes To Change State Motto, Slogan

Giddy with the joy of Christ at successfully legalizing state sponsored endorsement of dark age phobias and insanities the Arizona State Legislature voted to to change the State slogan and motto along with other state designations and affiliations. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism20 Comments

Slamming of ConDems ‘Highly Accurate’

Slamming of ConDems ‘Highly Accurate’

Ministers last night applauded Britain’s leading Roman Catholic for being well-informed and on point. They praised Archbishop of Westminster Vincent Nichols after he denounced government poverty creation schemes.

Downing Street said David Cameron believes there is a moral case only for reforming the corrupt tax system to get international companies to stop avoiding payment of their full dues by squirreling their UK profits into offshore accounts. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Society0 Comments

To Avoid Drought Disaster, California Governor Asks Residents to Pee Outside

To Avoid Drought Disaster, California Governor Asks Residents to Pee Outside

In a desperate attempt to avoid a statewide water shortage, California governor Jerry Brown has requested that all men and women in the state pee outside in the woods, on the lawn or in a garden area.

“These are desperate times”, Brown reminded reporters. “We need to conserve water any way we can!”

Brown claims that if all 38 million residents of California follow his proposal this would save the state 832,200,000,000 gallons of fresh water a year, assuming for 3 gallon per flush and 6 pisses per day per person.

Browns other water saving proposals include:

Showering no more than once a week. And two or more people showering at a time. Assuming 20 gallons of fresh water per shower this would save the state at least 277,400,000,000 gallons per year.

Don’t wash your car. This would result in an additional savings of over 24,000,000,000 gallons per year.

In addition to the above proposals Brown urges residents to drink only bottled water that has been bottled in water rich areas such as Maine or North Dakota. This would save the state an additional 13,870,000,000 gallons per year.

Agricultural use of water to be reduced by 2/3 resulting in a yearly savings of nearly 1 trillion gallons per year.

“These would be temporary measures until the drought is over”, the governor continued. “Please don’t make me send out the National Guard to make these things mandatory!”

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Posted in Politics, Society0 Comments

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