Glossy News Exclusive Leak! ‘Rudy Giuliani Defense’ Finally Revealed!

Washington, DC- After months of seemingly incoherent and contradictory explanations, including this weekends bombshell revelation by the Presidents personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, who admitted in a televised interview on Sunday, that President Donald Trump had ongoing contact with Vladimir Putin-connected Russians for the duration of his Presidential campaign… Some recently leaked Trump Organization internal documents reveal key details regarding the strategy behind the President’s unorthodox defense. We spoke to a source within the Trump Organization, who verified these details on the condition of anonymity.

According to series of emails sent on April 8th of 2017, two (unidentified) White House lawyers were growing more and more concerned with the direction of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, and had made the determination that if the investigation continued to proceed on it’s current trajectory, the President and his children, were likely to face criminal charges in the months leading up to the 2018 mid-term election.

Read more Glossy News Exclusive Leak! ‘Rudy Giuliani Defense’ Finally Revealed!

Share

BREAKING NEWS: Canada Announces Plans to Build Southern Border Wall

Ottawa – Today, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau delivered a landmark speech to the combined chambers of the Canadian Parliament. He announced his plans to erect a 50-foot-tall wall along the entire length of the USA-Canadian border to keep them safe from the hordes of Americans fleeing the USA. Countless numbers are seeking asylum in Canada, widely considered the last remaining enclave of sanity north of Mexico.

Canadians were initially enraged when the Prime Minister’s address cut into an intermission of the Maple Leafs – Oilers game. Mr. Trudeau began his ten-minute speech in the traditional Canadian manner, by apologizing for interrupting TV coverage of the Zamboni re-surfacing the ice rink. Read more BREAKING NEWS: Canada Announces Plans to Build Southern Border Wall

Share

Ann Coulter Grants Trump Permission to Reopen Federal Government… Finally.

Washington, DC- Political pundit, and current Trump Administration Minister of All Things Policy, Ann Coulter, granted President Donald Trump permission to end the federal government shutdown on Thursday, claiming she was bored with the lack of progress achieved after another fruitless round of negotiations failed to reach a bipartisan deal on Wednesday.

“Fuck it, I’m bored with this,” she wrote on her Shitter feed Thursday morning. “Bipartisan negotiations have failed. The Wall is dead. @TheRealDonaldTrump, I think you made my point. Please pass the CR NOW and reopen the government.” #FartOfTheDeal #WhoIn2020?

Many on the right were taken by surprise with Coulter’s Sheets, and voiced their displeasure with her shutdown reversal, which has entered it’s 27th day and is the longest in American history.

Read more Ann Coulter Grants Trump Permission to Reopen Federal Government… Finally.

Share

Are all Americans Guilty of Hate Crimes against President Trump?

Dateline: D.C.— Under federal hate crime laws, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has targeted both critics and supporters of President Trump, for “abusing a mentally incompetent old man,” according to a spokesperson for Mr. Mueller’s office.

“If you saw a physically disabled person and instead of helping her out, you berated her ruthlessly or else lured into making a fool of herself, you could easily foul afoul of hate speech laws,” said the spokesperson.

These laws are designed to prevent crimes committed on the basis of a person’s protected characteristics such as her race, religion or gender—but also her disability. Read more Are all Americans Guilty of Hate Crimes against President Trump?

Share

Alert: New Interview With Trump about The “Wall”

Reporter: As your Number One priority tell us what you are going to do about immigration.
Trump: Who said it was Number One? Better parking near my Trump Towers is my number one priority. Damn media bias.
Reporter: But the wall?
Trump: To tell the truth I don’t like immigrants.
Reporter: Why is that?


Trump: There are too many of them, and they come from some other country.
Reporter: But they are immigrants.
Trump: That’s no excuse. They should just stay home.
Reporter: Who would do the jobs they do like pick ferns I just read about?
Trump: Anybody can pick ferns. What’s so hard about that? I have hired a lot of people
to pick ferns around my properties.
Reporter: But, generally they do a lot of jobs Americans won’t do.
Trump: I doubt that. I’ll have my new Secretary of the Interior, what’s-his-name, look
into that.
Reporter: So what is your position on immigration?
Trump: Who me?
Reporter: Who else am I talking to?
Trump: I’ll give you five free nights in Trump Towers, and maybe some extra perks,
dinner, dancing… if you get what I mean, if we can just drop this whole thing.
Reporter: No, the people want to know.
Trump: Well, I’ll tell you the truth… I believe in the truth, you know. You can write that
down. Not like that Kenyan Muslim… I don’t want them here. We’ve already got plenty
of people.
Reporter: But they really want to come here. They will make good Americans.
Trump: They will make lousy Americans. Look, I don’t like foreigners. They should just
stay home.
Reporter: Overall, they will help the economy.
Trump: Not on your life. They send all their money back to Mexico.
Reporter: But Americans are immigrants. They all came here from somewhere else.
Trump: Well, Europe, maybe, but they aren’t foreigners.
Reporter: What about America as the great melting pot?
Trump: They don’t melt. Most of them can’t even speak English.
Reporter: Who’s going to clean your house?
Trump: If I can’t get anyone else to do it I’ll make my wife do it. She obeys me.
Reporter: So you think a wall will work?
Trump: Look, I’ve built far more things than you have even seen, four eyes, and get a prettier
blouse. Stop with the silly questions. Of course it will work. I’m the greatest builder the world
has ever known. THE GREATEST!

Share

Trump Visited By Ghosts Of Anti-Communists Past

He was about to slumber, alone in the White House on this winter’s Christmas Eve. Melania and the boys were in Mar-A-Lago. Congress and a quarter of the Federal workforce was shut down. The few advisers that he still listened to had suggested he not to go to Florida with the rest of the family. With so many Fed employees not working and not having extra money for the holidays, they felt that it would look bad for him to take a vacation at this time. Better to go later after the whole shut-down thing had blown over and no one would be paying attention. He had to stay in D.C. and stew in the juices of the soup he himself had made.

Wearily he prepared himself for bed. As usual, comments from the press criticizing him ran unchecked through his head. He was unable to control or stop them. He lay down in bed and, knowing sleep would not be soon in coming, began his nightly barrage of tweets, mostly focusing on the very disturbances going through his mind.

Thirty minutes later the tweets did their magic and together with the sleeping pill he took he meandered into that realm between waking thoughts and the peace of slumber.

It was this in this dark purgatory of repose that the first apparition appeared. It came first as a disembodied voice- “Ebeneezer……ooops!…….I mean ‘Donald’!……Donald!……..why do you not understand?” Read more Trump Visited By Ghosts Of Anti-Communists Past

Share

Trump’s Government Shutdown: EXCLUSIVE Glossy News Expose of Previously Unknown Discussions!

Washington, DC- Previously censored footage has thrown some light on the recent shutdown decision, and on the deliberations made beforehand. 

First, the White House announced that President Donald Trump was unhappy about the latest Continued Resolution (CR), passed by Congress not long ago, which was to temporarily fund the government for an additional two months and avoid shutting down key agencies on Friday; but which also failed to provide funding for construction of a new wall at the southern border. Read more Trump’s Government Shutdown: EXCLUSIVE Glossy News Expose of Previously Unknown Discussions!

Share

Rand Paul Wants To Join Senators Grassley And McConnell In Game of Russian Roulette

Washington, DC- On Monday, Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley(R-IA) challenged Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) to a duel for leadership of the Senate, after the Majority leader declined to hold a vote on bipartisan legislation aimed at criminal justice reforms. McConnell responded to Grassley’s challenge by offering one of his own, a game of Russian roulette for control of the Senate.
On Tuesday, Senator Rand Paul(R-KY) threw his hat into the ring, telling reporters, “Mitch McConnell has been a stain on this legislative body for far too long. As the leader of the Senate, he is arguably the most powerful elected official in this country, outside of the President. During his tenure we have seen nothing but logjam, procedural failure, and a serious departure from the bipartisanship and compromise that has been the staple of functional government for the last 20 years. Once again,he has failed the American people, and he has brought shame to the people of the great State of Kentucky.” Read more Rand Paul Wants To Join Senators Grassley And McConnell In Game of Russian Roulette

Share

Schumer-Ception: Senator Incepts Idea to Shut Down Government in the President

“I must not use these powers for the forces of evil,” Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) told aides after emerging from the Oval Office after a confrontational meeting with the President. He fist bumped the intern that told him to watch the movie Inception and turned to Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) as the crowds of cameras rushed past them.

“I can’t believe I just got him to take responsibility for shutting down the government.”

The ploy has been weeks in development. Ever since stumbling into a conversation among his interns about the best movies in the past few years and learning about the plot of Inception, Senator Schumer has pondered the idea of trying it on President Trump.

Hailey Harris, one of the interns, recalled the conversation that started it all. Read more Schumer-Ception: Senator Incepts Idea to Shut Down Government in the President

Share

Mark Meadows Vows House Freedom Caucus Will Support Wall Funding

Senator Explains There Are “Other Options” To Sink This Bill (And All Others Like It)

Washington, DC- House Freedom Caucus(HFC) Chairman Mark Meadows (R-NC) told reporters that members of the HFC would not block President Trump’s request for an additional $5 Billion in funding to build a wall along the southern border, on Wednesday.
The support of the HFC comes on the heals of a televised showdown on Tuesday involving the President, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer and Vice President Mike Pence, as the two apposing factions sat down to discuss compromiseThe House Freedom Caucus supports the Presidents request for full funding of a southern wall, in every way, shape or form… except with regards to an actual pledge of our votes. As conservatives, we are trained to look at any large scale government funding project with a degree of cynicism, but in the instance of keeping non-English speakers out of the country, I think we can imply that we’re willing to make an exception,” Meadows told reporters from the steps of Congress.

House Freedom Caucus Chairman Mark Meadows(R-NC) Pictured in his official congressional photo.

Read more Mark Meadows Vows House Freedom Caucus Will Support Wall Funding

Share

Trump Declares USMCA Funds Border Wall… Trudeau Disagrees

Buenos Aires, Argentina- On Friday, leaders from the United States, Mexico, and Canada formally endorsed the United States- Mexico- Canada Agreement (USMCA) before a packed house at the G-20 Summit.

On Monday, US President Donald Trump declared political victory via twitter.

“Just signed USMCA, the largest trade deal in the history of mankind. This deal is great for America, will create millions of jobs, and fully funds our Big Beautiful Wall. I told you Mexico would pay for it. #Promises Kept #MAGA #Big Beautiful Wall #USMCA”

In an interview with members of the Canadian press corps, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau disputed Trump’s claims, and made a few of his own.

Read more Trump Declares USMCA Funds Border Wall… Trudeau Disagrees

Share

Silence of the Intel: Bob Goodlatte Afraid Comey Could be the Next Strzok

Washington, DC- In an interview with Fox News on Friday, House Judiciary Committee Chair Bob Goodlatte (R-VA) indicated he was not open to interviewing former FBI Director James Comey in a public hearing, citing fears that such action may sway public sentiment in favor of the former Director.

“Look, we tried a public hearing before with Peter Strzok, and it didn’t go well. Strzok outflanked us at every turn, resulting in House Oversight Committee Chairman Trey Gowdy (R-SC) appearing to be a belligerent, partisan hack, and Strzok coming off as intelligent, sensible, and professional,” Goodlatte confessed to Bill Hemmer on Fox News staple frenzy feed “America’s Newsroom.” Read more Silence of the Intel: Bob Goodlatte Afraid Comey Could be the Next Strzok

Share

Grassley Challenges McConnell to a Duel for Control of Senate

Washington, DC- On Friday, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R- SC) indicated that he would not hold a vote on a bipartisan criminal justice reform bill during the lame duck congressional session, and would instead focus his efforts on confirming Circuit Court judicial nominees, angering Senators on both sides of the isle. On Monday, Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley, (R-IA) lashed out against the Majority leader, and indicated he would personally challenge McConnell for control of the Senate.

Mitch McConnell has demonstrated time and again that he is not fit for leadership.  His decision to block a vote on the criminal justice reform bill, and to instead focus on judicial nominees is laughable. Thanks to Mitch’s feud with Senator Flake (R-AZ), there is absolutely zero chance these judicial nominees will be confirmed.  Rather than voting on a popular piece of legislation, which has overwhelming, bipartisan support, both in the house and the senate, as well as the presidents backing, he’s just going to waste our time. I’m here to tell the American people that nobody in the Senate is happy about these obstructionist efforts,and we will not sit idle as Mitch McConnell continues to hold the legislative process hostage. As an American citizen, I take these actions personally and see them as an affront to the democratic process. Back in the days of my youth, when another man behaved in this manner, you fucking did something about it.

Read more Grassley Challenges McConnell to a Duel for Control of Senate

Share

MBS Claims Other Leaders Are ‘Racist Hypocrites’ As He Flees From G20 Summit

Buenos Aires, Argentina- Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) lashed out at world leaders, calling out Argentina and the US in particular, as he boarded a plane for Saudi Arabia at the conclusion of the G20 Summit on Sunday.  MBS’ Boeing 767 took flight just ahead of Argentinian authorities who were in pursuit, armed with arrest warrants accusing the Prince of human rights violations.

“Those who decided not to engage this weekend are hypocrites for giving me the snub,” MBS shouted from the steps of his waiting plane. “They act like their countries have never fouled up an assassination before. I’m sorry that we botched the cover up, but we’re not the first ones to do this.  If I’d have been a white European leader, this whole thing would have been a nonstarter.  Remember, he (Khashoggi) was a Saudi, too! See the double standard? It’s racist.”

Read more MBS Claims Other Leaders Are ‘Racist Hypocrites’ As He Flees From G20 Summit

Share