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Kim Jong-un: Bring Back Breadsticks Or Die!

Kim Jong-un: Bring Back Breadsticks Or Die!

Washington, D.C. – Just when you thought the United States was safe again following the announcement that Sony Pictures had pulled the controversial movie, The Interview, from theatres, a new threat arrived from North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-un, early Friday morning.

In a short memo to President Obama, Kim Jong-un stated he was pleased the movie will not play in theatres, but was morbidly infuriated to learn that his favorite restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, is extinct and is no longer serving the fresh-baked breadsticks he enjoyed during his last visit. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News3 Comments

Bush Doctrine 2.0/0.2. Jeb <del>Confirms</del> Allays Our Foreign Policy Fears (1)

Bush Doctrine 2.0/0.2. Jeb Confirms Allays Our Foreign Policy Fears (1)

“If at first you don’t succeed, try again.”

Radical-Left-Wing-Ideologues™ Zizek/Beckett agree:

“Try again, fail again, fail better.”

Yes, FoxCon(n) FoxNews, I mean ACTUAL far-left-ideologues…

As distinguished from, say, Newt Gingrich/Ed Miliband/Pope Francis.

Still, Lefties-Gonna-Left, but Our Jeb… Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone3 Comments

4 out of 5 Republicans in Anonymous Survey Admit Liking Dick

4 out of 5 Republicans in Anonymous Survey Admit Liking Dick

Support for Dick Cheney and former President George Bush to be prosecuted for torture appear to have fallen faster than an erection in Hillary Clinton’s presence according to inside sources.

Hard numbers from a recent survey revealed that most Republicans still support Dick Cheney as Vice-President, while Barack Obama’s poll numbers have apparently gone flaccid.

In fact, Cheney’s approval numbers continue to remain rock solid despite a spat of spectacular sex scandals that rocked the GOP a decade ago. Nostalgia surrounds Republican Senator Larry Craig’s 2007 arrest in a men’s airport bathroom.

While potentially incriminating on the surface, the Idaho Senator offered a turgid alibi for his behavior, which apparently wasn’t fear of flying.

For those who have slept since then, Craig denied that tapping his right foot, blocking the stall door with his luggage and grabbing the undercover officer’s leg was a signal to engage in lewd behavior.

Craig suggested that he was merely asking for “toilet paper”.

Later providing the arresting officer with a business card that identified him as a senator, Craig does admit that telling the officer, “Excuse me while I whip this out,” may have been a little too suggestive in a men’s room setting. But he refused to apologize for expressing his fondness for Dick.

“Dick made me what I am today,” he allegedly said just before being arrested.

Senator Craig’s encounter was only one in a daisy-chain of events placing prominent Republicans in the dim spot-light of public toilets.

Also in 2007 Florida Republican Bob Allen, a champion of anti-gay legislation and notorious Dick lover, was accused of offering sex to a black, undercover officer in a park restroom because he didn’t “trust him”.

To his credit, at least he didn’t try and shoot him. As if that excuse and $20 isn’t bizarre enough, Allen also sponsored a bill to crack down on soliciting sex in public parks.

If you read between the lines, it’s apparent that Allen is an advocate of just giving it away, rendering the need to solicit a moot point. As for the $20, that apparently was for “stimulating the local economy”.

OK, most people use “Johnson” instead of “local economy” as a euphemism but we can’t really criticize him for that.

When you add other prominent Republicans like Representative Mark Foley and evangelical Ted Haggard to the strange brew of fallen, staunchly anti-gay politicians, you discover the one thing they all have in common: they all like Dick.

Sure, Cheney probably appreciates the support and a variation on the old “I Like Ike” buttons might garner special interest attention. But without the comic genius of Karl Rove, it’s going to be tough to parlay the virtual transformation of the GOP into the “Gay Old Party”.

Only Rove could exploit the biggest piece of political parody since Dave Chappelle portrayed a blind Klan leader who didn’t know he was black.

Of course, some Democrats have demonstrated willingness to reach around…I mean across the aisle and meet the GOP halfway on many issues, especially when it comes to Dick. Dick Cheney has the heart of a Hoover Vacuum cleaner and brings people from many diverse backgrounds together to pound out the tough issues.

For instance, in 2010 Democrat New York Congressman Eric Massa abruptly resigned after only 14 months on the job amid allegations that he sexually harassed an underpaid staff member at a house Massa shared with four other staffers. Using the excuse it was simply a “tickle fight” the embattled Democrat found it unpopular at the time to admit his love of Dick.

Placed in this context, it is absolutely amazing the GOP has survived intact and re-taken both Houses while maintaining the illusion of moral authority. As long as Ted Cruz doesn’t get a Boehner around Rand Paul, it’s likely they’ll continue to hold the high ground on the down low.

“There are only two ways to fix this satirical situation,” snickered, Bill Clinton’s former political strategist James Carville. “Hand jobs to your critics and keep the jerks off the news.”

Clinton himself could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly, “Reorganizing his collection of chubby-chaser jokes from the mid 90’s.” Meanwhile even Hillary reluctantly admitted, “I like Dick ever now and then!”

Most would have sworn she was partial to Bush.

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Posted in Politics, Top Stories3 Comments

Labour Leak #68/9: Controversial Miliband Replacement Short List (2)

Labour Leak #68/9: Controversial Miliband Replacement Short List (2)

Who’s Gonna Fill The Blank?

Nick Griffin: UK. Former British National Party, Goosestepping Eagle-Polisher.

Pros:

1. Impeccable far left credentials:

Economic centralism. Top-down, statist, collectivist, elitist/populist, authoritarian, general chauvinist. Perfect fit for the Trot SWP/Spartacists, let alone Labour.
Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Politics4 Comments

Labour Leak #68/9: Controversial Miliband Replacement Short List (1)

Labour Leak #68/9: Controversial Miliband Replacement Short List (1)

Thought there were no convincing(-ish) short notice candidates to replace Ed Milliband when the last-minute coup occurs?

You were wrong!

Or rather…

Subjected-By-Petty-Bourgeois-Ideology-To-The-Mystifications-Of-Late-Capitalist-False-Consciousness™.

(Huh? Anyone? Nah… me neither). Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Politics14 Comments

Certain ‘Forces’ Send In THE CHENEY To Take Care Of Lame Duck Government.

Certain ‘Forces’ Send In THE CHENEY To Take Care Of Lame Duck Government.

Eager to take over the U.S. government as swiftly as possible after winning major seats in the Senate and Legislature, ‘certain forces’ within our system have called on a specialist to rid the organization of its ‘lame duck’ elements.

Operating in secrecy, these individuals called in their ace in the sleeve for when things need to get messy- THE CHENEY. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Strange People4 Comments

President Replaces Hand Shake w/ Fist Bump

President Replaces Hand Shake w/ Fist Bump

Washington D.C.-When President Barack Obama meets with leaders of foreign nations, he will now use a fist bump as a greeting, that according to a White House Press Release.

Reporters asked the President to elaborate during a round of golf early this afternoon. “I have seen Putin leave the restroom without washing his hands. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Society0 Comments

Groundbreaking U(KIP)-Turn: Kippers Start Actually Hating Foreigners

Groundbreaking U(KIP)-Turn: Kippers Start Actually Hating Foreigners

Nigel Farage is concerned that his Edgy-Rhetorical-Hobby-Club is hemorrhaging voters.

So His-Most-Exalted-Joe-Blogginess has come up with a plan to stop the rot (if not the moral decay) within his Circle-Jerk-Pet-Peeve-Party:

It seems for some wholly (in-)explicable reason, everybody thinks we are actually racist.

Instead of merely PRETENDING to be racist.

You know, solely in order to get elected… Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Politics0 Comments

William Hague: Humanitarian Liquidation for Illegitimate GQ Editorial Regime

William Hague: Humanitarian Liquidation for Illegitimate GQ Editorial Regime

William Hague may no longer be (Anti)Foreign(er) Minister and Vice-Viceroy of the British Humanitarian Empire™…

Nor indeed, a key business strategist for IntCom Imperialist Enterprises™…

Still, he has maintained his healthy, thoroughly admirable, and perfectly laudable interest of all…

To wit, defending those who are oppressed™ and speaking up for those who don’t have a voice™…

As well as, needless to say, clarifying the vexed question of the objective interests of certain “benighted Third World savages…”

They who, if they DO have a voice, should just shut-the-f***-up and take the enema. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Rupert Murdoch Admits FOX News Began as Political Satire

Rupert Murdoch Admits FOX News Began as Political Satire

In a recent interview with Glossy News, media tycoon Rupert Murdoch confessed a bit of an inside joke that has kept him smiling to himself for over 18 years – The FOX News he initially envisioned was a 24-hour news parody satirizing America’s increasingly reactionary right-wing.

“I was originally going to call it the ‘Wrong Side of History Channel’, but I feared that would give away the joke,” Murdoch chuckled. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics6 Comments

Obama Pardons Black Turkey: Bojangles will live to loot another day

Obama Pardons Black Turkey: Bojangles will live to loot another day

Obama’s first Post Ferguson pardon occurred Thursday, and just like everything else the President does, the act has got him up to his neck in controversy.

As is tradition at the White House since 1947, the President pardoned a turkey, sparing the bird from the electric knife and the Thanksgiving dinner table.

Pardoning the turkey itself is not controversial, but the kind of turkey he pardoned has ruffled some people’s feathers. President Obama pardoned a black turkey. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Society6 Comments

Enda Kenny Voted World’s Most Charismatic Current Fine Gael Taoiseach

Enda Kenny Voted World’s Most Charismatic Current Fine Gael Taoiseach

A recent RTE poll, unsurprisingly, has determined that Enda Kenny, despite malicious rumors from irrational and extremist Fianna Fail hooligans™, really is (as none of us really doubted), the World’s Most Charismatic Current Fine Gael Taoiseach.

Admittedly, it was a close-run thing, as Kenny only grabbed 50.0001 of the vote; his thunder nearly being stole by Rodraig Spartacus O’Leprosy. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Politics0 Comments

For Once I Agree With The Republicans- IMMIGRATION!

For Once I Agree With The Republicans- IMMIGRATION!

I am glad Obama is finally standing up to the Republicans who have been kneecapping him since day one of his Presidency. It is just too bad that it isn’t over a better subject- immigration.

The truth is- the boat is full. We have enough people in this country already. We have massive unemployment with the people we have already. We don’t need anymore. We need to take care of the people we have here already- OUR people. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Serious Commentary0 Comments

“Yucky World” w/Dick and Janey: Pagan wants to secularize public schools!

“Yucky World” w/Dick and Janey: Pagan wants to secularize public schools!

Announcer: A high school in Colorado recently banned religious speech during an “Open Time” period also known as Seminar.

Previously, Jackson High School of Mill Creek, Washington, with the support of the federal courts, banned the playing of an instrumental version of Franz Biebl’s “Ave Maria” at its graduation ceremony.

Dick and Janey, “Yucky World” talk show hosts, will be discussing this issue with Wanda Pagan, spokesperson for Secularize All Public Schools (SAPS).

Janey: What’s the problem, Ms. Pagan?

Pagan: You can’t do religion in the public schools.

Janey: But an instrumental version…

Pagan: …is religion getting its foot in the school house door.

Dick: Would a toe have a better chance?

Pagan: A toe? It really doesn’t matter. That wall separating church and state has to be toe-proof, too.

Dick: Isn’t that a food?

Janey: That’s tofu, Dick. What are your organization’s long range goals, Ms. Pagan?

Pagan: SAPS not only wants to keep religion out of the schools, we want God out as well!

Dick: What if God has a visitor’s pass?

Janey: Uh…what are some other changes you’d like to see?

Pagan: First of all, high school bands would not be allowed to march in Thanksgiving Day parades.

Dick: Wait until Santa hears about this!

Pagan: It’s not about Santa. Students shouldn’t be marching in a parade whose main purpose is to thank God.

Janey: Would schools still be able to close for Good Friday?

Pagan: Yes, but they’d have to rename it. What gives one religious group the right to say their Friday is better than someone else’s? Furthermore, Easter Vacation would have to be renamed Spring Vacation.

Dick: Then if the Easter Bunny changed his first name to Spring, he would still be okay for school?

Pagan: Well…yes, I guess so.

Dick: I don’t think he’s going to like that. He’s already been picked on a lot because his last name is Bunny.

Janey: Ah…right, Dick. If references to God are out, what should students do when they’re saying “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance?

Pagan: Our lawyers recommend coughing.

Dick: Hey, what about milk money? Coins have “In God We Trust” on them!

Pagan: We’re advising school cafeterias to only accept checks.

Janey: And the singing of “God Bless America”?

Pagan: Should be banned!

Dick: So you think nothing blessed America and that we’re all alone!

Pagan: In your case, you ought to be alone in a padded cell.

Janey: Sounds like you’re coming down with a cold.

Pagan: Ah…ah…choo!

Janey: God bless you!

Dick: If the SAPS have their way, better not get caught saying that in a public school!

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Posted in Politics, Religionism1 Comment

SCOOP! Glossy News Is The First With A Photo Of The New Star Trek Series And Its Stars!

SCOOP! Glossy News Is The First With A Photo Of The New Star Trek Series And Its Stars!

A leak in the security of the new Star Trek series has provided Glossy with a peek at the highly anticipated show.

As you can see the players will be wearing an all new design of Star Fleet uniforms and, as usual, represent many different races and nationalities.

Again there will be a black Vulcan just like Tuvok in the Voyager series, only this time he will be in the Commander position. Unlike his predecessor this new Vulcan will occasionally exhibit moments of humor, a very un-Vulcan like quality.

His name is Barack Hussein Obama, an unlikely a name as any writer could ever conjure up, but we’ll go with it for the time being. There is a Chinese second in command, Xi Jinping (they must have been really imaginative to come up with this moniker), who will be a constant source of disagreement and contention in the series.

Unknown to the other crew members, a Romulan agent has infiltrated the group with the intent on sabotaging all relationships and vessel machinery that he can. Named Vladimir Putin (the writers got a little lax on this name. It is inappropriate as it sounds too much like the Romanian Prince Vlad who was the basis for Dracula….on second thought the name fits. Forget it.), he is the wild card in the deck of the ship’s crew.

Other nationalities and races will play key characters who will mostly get in the way of the other three stars or die horribly while wearing red uniforms (in the original Star Trek series any actor wearing a red shirt always got creamed half way through the episode).

Whereas most Star Trek episodes involved conflicts with aliens outside the ship, this series will have most of its battles waged inside the vessel between its own crew members. Mr. Putin and Jinping will prove to be behind most of the intrigue. Mr. Putin and Mr. Jinping, being from more backwards lands, are jealous of the Captain’s superior technology and feels that they must interrupt their progress in any way possible to overcome it.

On their first mission in an entirely new ship aptly called the “New World Order”. the crew encounters foreign aliens trying to escape their home planet to work on the earth. Captain Obama wants to welcome them in, not realizing that helmsman Putin has already sent out small fighters to buzz and harass them. Mr. Jinping just stands back and waits for both to make mistakes so he can take over.

Future episodes will be guaranteed to have lots of weird looking aliens and not-so-weird looking gorgeous shapely women wearing way-too-short mini-skirt uniforms.

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Posted in Entertainment, Politics2 Comments

Time To Retire Grumpy Old Senators

Time To Retire Grumpy Old Senators

Everybody seems to be blaming the current do-nothing state of Congress on the fractious squabbling between different ideological factions, particularly those of the Republican persuasion.

But maybe it’s not ideology at all; maybe it’s just that we have too many grumpy old men in the Senate.

It would probably require a Constitutional amendment but I think it’s time we placed an age limit on membership in the U. S. Senate. Continue Reading

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Politics0 Comments

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