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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part  4

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 4

9/12/2001 THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED (A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments –
After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned,
Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is taken to a secured location for protection.
From there he overseas the demolition of what remains of the Twin Towers. Continue Reading

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 3

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 3

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened

Prelude- On 9/11/2001 Flight 93 crashes into the White House as was originally planned. Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is taken to a secured location for protection.
– – – – – – – – – –

PART 3

The streets were quieting down. Traffic was a fraction of what it normally was. There was still the noise of everyday city life, but it was lessened, muted.

An apprehension lay in the air. The sky suddenly seemed much bigger now that one knew death could fly down from it. For the first time in two centuries a major attack had been launched on the bedrock of America and it had left major fractures in it. Continue Reading

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9/12/2001 – Part 2 (Conspiracy Theorists Actually Know This!)

9/12/2001 – Part 2 (Conspiracy Theorists Actually Know This!)

9/12/2001 – THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED (A serial book excerpt)

In Part 1 Flight 93 has accomplished its goal of smashing into the White House, apparently killing President George W. Bush. Secret Service men are now searching for Dick Cheney who is the new President by default.

– – – – – – – – – – –

PART 2

Dick Cheney was a very lucky man. The Fates seemed to favor him. He was at the east end of the White House, furthest from the impact point. He had been standing, immersed in the incoming news of planes hitting the World Trade Centers in Manhattan when the impact threw him against a wall of books, then to the ground. Continue Reading

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Prime Minister Disraeli: 7 Hilariously Cutting Putdowns

Prime Minister Disraeli: 7 Hilariously Cutting Putdowns

1. Civilization and Savage Witticisms

Benjamin Disraeli, the English Frankie Boyle, is quite possibly the most aristocratically flamboyant and cutting Prime Minister in UK history. With perfect comic timing, he sliced through the pompous pretensions of his opponents, like a knife through last month’s beef haslet.

He once parried the insult of the Irish Nationalist Daniel O’Connell by saying: Continue Reading

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“But Immigration is Complex…” Uh-uh! Not so Fast!

“But Immigration is Complex…” Uh-uh! Not so Fast!

Coming up to the 2015 General Election, the inflammatory rhetoric of UKIP is a worrying feature of the complex political scene in the UK.

It’s always been complex, of course…

Well, we have had politicians who have expanded the suffrage and decriminalised homosexuality. Continue Reading

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(The) News (Really) Bytes – April 2015

(The) News (Really) Bytes – April 2015

The Aurora Joker James Holmes trial finally begins three years after his attack at the premier of a new Batman movie that killed twelve people.

Could we just have Batman seal him up in a forgotten part of the Batcave and save us the expense of having to take care of him for the rest of his demented life?

Turkey, still denying the massacre of millions of Armenians 100 years ago, decides on the anniversary to celebrate instead their victory at Gallipoli in World War One instead. Continue Reading

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9/11/2001 – The Day After The Unimaginable Happened

9/11/2001 – The Day After The Unimaginable Happened

(A book serial excerpt)

What would have happened had events occurred differently on 9/11?

The aircraft nosed through the mid morning sky. Outside the fuselage it was a sleek bird jetting its way through the air, its wings leaving contrails over the Midwest landscape far below it. It made for a peaceful picture. Or at least from the outside it did.

The plane wobbled occasionally. Lesser experienced hands were at the helm. Still it sailed on majestically, the way it was designed to. Inside there had been a disturbance that could have altered all that, but it was settled now. It sailed onward towards its destination, a new one.

Shortly it came in sight of the metropolis that it sought and began its long descent. The radar was turned off; eyes alone would be controlling its flight at this point.

The low altitude of the plane gave it a magnificent view of the whole city. One could make out the famous landmarks if one knew what to look for. Obvious was the Potomac.

A careful eye could pick out the Lincoln Memorial, the Smithsonian , the Washington Monument.

Shortly the pilots saw their destination. They began a controlled dive. And a chant in a language that those within earshot would not have understand had they still been alive.

Their goal was right before them. The words from their mouths were prayerful and hushed. A moments breath later the plane tore into the White House which a second before had been such a beautiful, majestic building.

“News Update! September 11, 2001 – A fourth passenger airliner has crashed into the White House probably killing President George W. Bush and an as yet unknown number of staff and visitors there.

Flight 93, originally flying over the Midwest to San Francisco, veered back east, crashing intentionally into the center of the White House. All on board are assumed dead.

Witnesses say they saw the plane veer down, taking a low altitude over central D.C., then crash directly into the Presidential building. A huge explosion rocked the structure moments later and now a thick flume of smoke rises from it.

A few survivors managed to get out of the East and West Wings relatively unharmed, but badly shaken. The President, who was to have gone on a trip to Texas, had to cancel at the last minute and is known to have been in the White House at the time of the horrific crash.

It is believed that a terrorist group is responsible for the attack and that it is most likely the same group is responsible for the crashes at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.”

To the astute security personnel left alive in the vicinity of the White House it was obvious that their head boss was dead. Security turned the situation over to the Secret Service, those who were left and still functional, to find their new leader and get him to safety.

The search began for Dick Cheney.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Sarko in China: “Monsieur Jinping, Break Down This Wall!”

Sarko in China: “Monsieur Jinping, Break Down This Wall!”

Nicolas Sarkozy is universally renowned and respected as the man who single-handedly brought down the Berlin Wall, restored the constitutional liberties and privileges of “La République,” and ended forever the reign of jihadist terror in the entire “monde non civilisée.”

But his aura is slipping somewhat. France’s most genial, witty, charismatic, and talented “notable public figure” has upset the government of a leading nation.

Admittedly, as the Chinese Communist Party is not a straight-vanilla late-capitalist White Anglo Saxon corporatist legislative entity like France…

Well, Notre Sarko, like Our Harold (re: his wanton, inexcusable disobedience on Vietnam), thought he could just let it blow over.

But he has had to fesse up ‘fess up, and tell us what went wrong.

As a bit of entirely unnecessary and utterly unamusing backstory, Nicolas Sarkozy did indeed break down the Berlin Wall, as the original Reagan speech actually said.

But sadly, the speech was (as a certain notable public figure in France tells me):

Maliciously audioshopped by the Holy Alliance of Unaccountable Brussels-Caliphate-Black-Jewish-Hip-Hop-Pied-Noir-Egalitarian-Derridean-Unreconstructed-Cultural-Marxist-Ivory-Tower-68er-Pacifist-Le-MacDo-Postmodern-Supremacist-Illuminati.

(However, the flamboyantly carnivalesque celebrity father of my conspicuously moderate source disagrees; he says the name of the culprit was about five times as long as that).

Still, not everyone agrees that Sarko single-handedly saved Europe from the only thing worse than being dominated by an unaccountable neo-corporatist colonial project that is somewhat earlier than the more recent unaccountable neo-corporatist colonial project by which you are currently dominated.

Indeed: for some deeply un-European evidence in English Rosbif-ese of Sarko’s original “abattez ce mur” error:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/6532711/Berlin-Wall-anniversary-doubts-cast-over-Nicolas-Sarkozys-pickaxe-claim.html

And from an intimately subservient state media ally of Sarko himself,

http://droite.blogs.liberation.fr/2009/11/08/mur-de-berlin-sarko-refait-lhistoire-sur-facebook/

Still, the homme with da bomb slipped up when his gazed extended far beyond the International Community, to all those other myriad, multiplicitous, achingly “autrui” and Other bits of the world. “Hell is other people,” right?

Eh bien, mesdames et messieurs. All I have intended to say is that the Great Wall of China, it is a great triumph of civilization of which the Chinese race… eh bien, I mean the Chinese nation, should be very proud. You know, ever since Napoleon brought the light of civilization and Enlightenment to the Mussulmans in the… eh bien, 17th century or something like that…

Well, we have always known that China is the closest thing you can find to an actual complete, authentic, and literate civilization outside Europe.

We never once dreamed of conquering China, not even in the height of our Imperial glory; because we knew that China was too mighty and well-armed… eh bien, too powerfully cultivated and well-endowed with literary culture.

It is difficult to compare China with les noirs and les Musulmanes and the other authentically barbarian peoples, who are even more thoroughly lacking in etiquette and cultivation… eh bien, petit con, why you are misquoting me? I must demand that you show me your transcript…

What this Saxon bullshit is, what you are writing? Why you do not write in the French, the refined and civilized langue de la culture? Racaille! J’te chie à la gueule! Canaille grossière!!!

But yes… China, we should follow the model of China, but not too closely. We must maintain our metaphysical purity and integrity, so that the error of cultural equivalence may not be tolerated.

And one way to accomplish this is to do what the Chinese did: they built a wall to keep out the savages and barbarians.

Well, perhaps we also can do this?

Perhaps we can out-Chinese the Chinese…

And even keep the Chinese themselves out? ;)

Ah yes…. It commences with rap music, masjids, and the poisonous Saxon culinary abominations; and it ends with Communist subversion and decadent 68er cultural materialist postmodern semiotical deconstructionist semantic terrorism.

However, I believe that China’s exclusionary policy towards non-Chinese is simply despicable.

We all live in a single, monolithic, non-Foucauldian, pre-Althusserian Global Village…

Hence, for China to stubbornly resist the just and righteous claims of Humanity, in the face of universal suffering and the plight of our shared Global Community of individuals...

Well, if China values liberty, equality and brotherhood, she must immediately introduce a more enlightened immigration policy…

And cease her backward, isolationist stance towards immigrants and asylum seekers from Japan, Korea, and other nations which, to speak the truth, are barely more civilized than China herself.

Any nation that arrogantly disdains to respect the rights of outsiders, while permitting capital to flow freely instead, should become a pariah among all decent people in our world.

And in order to assist you with this noble endeavour, one consummately worthy of any one of the most enlightened and tolerant nations in the world, I now gloriously wield my Magic Sarko Democratic Teaspoon and:

Tap, tap, tap.

Remember, miracles do not occur once only…

Apart from the the Enlightenment, the French Revolution, and especially, the supremely noble and principled reaction that delivered the universal interest from both of these atrocities…

All three, nevertheless, being glorious, inimitable marks of comprehensively civilized nations…

Rather than of ones which, like China, have admittedly done rather commendably, considering the circumstances.

So: once I have broken down the Berlin wall; and now I deliver you also. Never forget you have a true, sincere and heartfelt friend and ally in France; we need as much of your financial investment as we can steal…

Eh bien, MANAGE!!!

I did a quick straw poll. A small number of correspondents (say 1.6 billion people or so) said Sarko was talking out of his fesse. It seems that he still has some difficulty work to do to win people over.

Still, that pales in comparison to the gargantuan task he faces in La Belle République!

Disclaimer: It is arbitrarily alleged by the malicious and vindictive enemies of Mr TM in the famously non-satire news media, that the meme for this article is “grammatically incorrect.” Do not be fooled. Mr TM does not make mistakes. Like Sarko, he merely dynamically reconfigures his lexical strategies in light of the purely value-free and objective given constraints and opportunities. It’s all in Lévy/Glucksmann, you know.

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Our Crowdfunded North Korea Movie is Chugging Along, but it Needs Your Help

Our Crowdfunded North Korea Movie is Chugging Along, but it Needs Your Help

Kim Jong-Un is reportedly flipping his shit since the wide release of “The Interview”, which even his most dastardly designs did nothing to diminish.

We’re about halfway done filming ours, and I must say, it… looks… amazing. “The Interview” was pure Hollywood, but ours aims to really take the piss out of him and his absurd hermit kingdom.

Here is a pre-pre-trailer to show you what we’ve got so far, but if you scroll down far enough and read things close enough, you’ll get to see an actual clip from the movie to show you what we’re doing. Continue Reading

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The Convenience of Misogyny? Kerry, Clinton, the White-Knight-Industrial Complex (2/2)

The Convenience of Misogyny? Kerry, Clinton, the White-Knight-Industrial Complex (2/2)

Continuing what I said yesterday about about John Kerry’s ethically problematic text on war rape and its pro-“Humanity” implications…

Of course, there is fierce market competition among the The Party of Humanity, rather as there are among all religious cults, sects, and militant creeds in general.

But of course, what unifies each of these Communities of (Absolute) Truth is a tendency to diminish and trivialize the suffering of individuals. Continue Reading

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The Convenience of Misogyny? Kerry, Clinton, the White-Knight-Industrial Complex (1/2)

The Convenience of Misogyny? Kerry, Clinton, the White-Knight-Industrial Complex (1/2)

As Hillary Clinton has announced she is running for the US Presidency, it is probably a good time to take a broader look at the potential pitfalls of politicians being presented as “feminists,” however defined.

I don’t dispute that feminism (however defined) is a good thing.

But there is nothing “innocent” about prominent political figures portrayed in glowing ethical terms (even when the presentation is only being made by their supporters).

Instead of speaking directly about Clinton, I am going to talk about another matter first, to better illustrate (I hope) the problem of complicity between misogyny and superficial appeals to purportedly “feminist” idealism.

More precisely: I am not sure that there has been enough critical analysis of the rather prominent and surprisingly timely “Global Summit to End Sexual Violence in Conflict” of 2014.

For it is as though, because rape is an appalling crime (which it certainly is), the presumed good intentions of those who present themselves as opposing rape should be deemed in itself an argument in favor of the proceedings of the summit.

I say “presumed,” because I do not think the question of sincerity or insincerity is the most important consideration here. And in any case, questions of motivation are speculative, and often rest on over-simplistic and inappropriately reductionist notions of human psychology that I consider to be untenable.

So the question of what may or may not motivate John Kerry, William Hague or others, is not necessarily the most important question, as compared to the implications of what has been formulated and pronounced at the summit.

But more crucially, in terms of implication and not motivation, there is such a thing as what I call the corporatist “politics of decency.” This is the politics of opposing misogyny, racism, homophobia, or other prejudices (held by people across the whole political spectrum) on a distorted basis.

That is: these phenomena are always opposed solely because such prejudices harm individuals (which they certainly do); but also (at least partly) because they are, in the words of a certain kind of conspicuously benevolent person in the UK, “bad form.”

Still, while there may be cases where some are opposed to war rape because the topic of rape is “unpleasant,” “uncomfortable…”

Or perhaps even because it is a topic that allows The Universal League of Socially Just Vanillamen to rally around The Right Side…

Well, all this is no substitute for explicitly emphasizing how Crimes Against Women harm individuals.

On this note, see John Kerry’s deeply problematic text on an embassy website (also published in the London Evening Standard some time ago):

http://london.usembassy.gov/humrts198.html

No hyperlink included. If you aren’t prepared to copy and paste this, then you aren’t prepared to put the time in to think about how problematic the issues under discussion are.

That’s right son, I’m being patronizing. Because speaking of “patronizing…”

Well, the article in question says:

Sexual violence plagues every country. It is not just (sic) a domestic criminal justice issue. Acts of sexual violence demean our (sic) collective (sic) humanity (sic).

Not just? No comment.

Our? Who is “we?”

What is humanity, and precisely what is collective about it? Maybe ask old Uncle Joe or Pol Pot how that collective humanity thing is going.

And then:

They make us all (sic) less secure, less prosperous (sic) and less free. So there are few causes worthier (sic) of international (sic) co-operation (sic).

Us all? It always worries me when white, comfortably-off male politicians from influential nation-states say this. Surely it’s for others to say?

Less prosperous? At first I was tempted to ask myself whether this was an unfortunate Freudian slip from someone in Kerry’s speech-writing team; but on balance, I think it’s just a bad choice of words. Still, it does seem somewhat ugly to be talking about prosperity, (which presumably includes material prosperity), in a context like this.

Few causes? What kind of vulgar-Benthamite calculus is in play here? So there aren’t that many, but perhaps this one can be put in near the top somewhere, maybe?

International? You mean like the so-called “International Community,” or “IntCom?”

(By the way, using the term IntCom doesn’t mean you agree with everything written by Chomsky, the person who apparently coined the term in question. That should go without saying, but I think one can afford to take very little for granted here).

Co-operation? Nice idea, in general. When are you people (from both parties) going to finally get around to that one then?

Still, we must proceed.

Charge One: Abstraction

Kerry’s text, albeit unintentionally, has a trivializing effect towards rape as an infringement of individual liberty. His essay backgrounds the individual character of rape, implicitly denying the (again) individual and contextual character of each crime. So it is as though there were only “Rape in General;” the latter phrase is not found in the essay, but appears to be implicit in essay’s framing of rape.

Or at least, on a marginally more charitable reading, there are rapes against individuals, yes; but these are somehow, in some vague and indeterminate manner, subordinate to the abstract, falsely universal, implicit notion of “Rape in General.”

But how? Well, as you can see from the quote above, the essay subordinates and subsumes every individual’s experience into a certain notoriously vague, fluffy, and emotive abstraction; “our collective humanity,” which like so many other cheap rhetorical terms, is easily interchangeable with largely synonymous words.

So what other terms are implied here? While Kerry’s piece does not use the phrase, it appears that the “person” harmed in rape is none other than:

“Our Common Humanity.”

(Or ComHum, as I tend to call it).

It is as thought the text were irritably murmuring under its breath:

“Crimes against mere paltry, meagre, isolated individuals are bad enough… but crimes against ‘Humanity’ are absolutely intolerable!”

This collectivist tactic (or if you prefer a less loaded and more high-faluting term, this holistic tactic), risks distracting the more unwary reader from the only thing that counts; individual suffering. The article plays down and de-emphasises the horror of rape, by combining an apparently gestural acknowledgment of the pernicious character of this crime, with a backgrounding of the very depravity of such an abhorrent Crime Against Individuals.

Hence, unbeknownst to Kerry, the essay risks assisting the Global Justice Liberation Front in enlisting, in a most disreputable manner, those “allies” or “assistants” who might otherwise find the topic of rape too upsetting or disturbing to talk about in more blunt or crude terms…

Even though it is hard to see how such euphemistic rhetoric can be appropriately associable with a crime so raw, vicious, and ultimately barbaric.

Hence, despite the best efforts of the writers and speaker to focus on the real issue, the text risks achieving little more than inadvertently shoring up the credentials of Kerry and his party (and of the broader US or even Western political establishment)…

Presenting once again the credentials of a certain limited number of individuals as “lovers of Humanity.”

This piece will be continued tomorrow. It’s an important topic around which a lot of cant and false piety tends to circulate, so it may be worth reading further.

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Republicans Start Hauling Out and Dusting Off Their Borg-like Candidates.

Republicans Start Hauling Out and Dusting Off Their Borg-like Candidates.

The 2016 Presidential Election is starting out with snail like excitement and colorful shades of gray-toned vibrancy.

The Republican Party is beginning to wheel out their musty Presidential hopefuls for the public to gawk at. What is not let out into the community eye is that each and every one of them is a surgically altered Borg. Continue Reading

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Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (2/2) (NSFW)

Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (2/2) (NSFW)

Unlike Khomeini-ite Fiqh, TULIP-flavor Calvinism, and other scientific and empirically rigorous political discourses, “nice guy” and “friendzoning” are ideological aberrations that are completely detached from reality.

Still, that didn’t stop Khameini giving it to us one last time:

I mean, there are so many jumpy, rowdy, jerk-off pricks who treat other guys really, really, REALLY badly! And Putin doesn’t mind THEM!

Continue Reading

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Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (1/2) (NSFW)

Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (1/2) (NSFW)

Some would say that The Enemies Of Our Glorious Nation™ are quarrelsome folk.

(Or if not “enemies of America,” at least the enemies of the non-satire news media and of The International Beltway Community).

Still, there is such a thing as honor among thieves; or if not honor among thieves, at least honor among “Recalcitrationists Of The Universal Interest.” Continue Reading

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Lincoln Monuments Attacked When Americans Realize He Created Income Tax

Lincoln Monuments Attacked When Americans Realize He Created Income Tax

Upon reading an article in a national newspaper stating that Abraham Lincoln was the one responsible for starting federal income tax, angered Americans across the country began a hate campaign against all memorabilia of the formerly beloved President.

Mobs in Washington D.C. went after the Lincoln Memorial with sledge hammers and axes this morning rendering the huge statue legless after a couple hours. Continue Reading

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LibDems Exclusive Leak: Who’s Next When Cleggy Leaves the Building? (2/2)

LibDems Exclusive Leak: Who’s Next When Cleggy Leaves the Building? (2/2)

Nick Clegg might not have won the election yet, but he still has the chance to be the next Anthony Eden…

Or at least David Cameron, at a push.

William Hague: UK. Former Minister for War and Radical Humanitarian Performance Theatre

Pros:
Unbelievably charismatic/genial/witty.

…Compared to Ed Miliband/ Gordon Brown/Enda Kenny.

Pros:
Still, somewhat more crucially: WILLIAM FRICKIN’ HAGUE.

End of!!!

Pope Benedict XVI: Vatican City. The Pope that Pope Francis Always Wanted to be, But Figured it Wasn’t Worth it

FFS! We’re not a freaking theocracy… right?

(Admittedly, being a shitty humanitarian-interventionist comprador-statelet of IntCom ain’t much of an improvement).

…ARGH! Pwnk’d again.

Julian™!… Warned you last time, in the Miliband article…

Yes, you’ll get the fish finger I promised you… later, when the article’s finished. Be a good boy, stay in the attic like TM told you. You know what happened the last time, don’t you?

Guido Fawkes: UK. Reincarnation Of 17th century Notable Catholic Terrorist “Celebrity Militant” Of Relatively Committed Form of Hyper-Catholicist Fundamentalism; Despicable Terrorizer of Our Glorious Leader Cameron & Sundry Inmates of The Golden Pigsty.

Pros:
Amusing source of endless anecdotes on UK political class.

A couple may be true…

The rest are so bang-on-target, we might as well call ‘em true for the hell of it, as the real truth is probably far worse…

Cons:
Guido shuffling into a meagre IntCom politico-military base just a stone’s throw away several yards from Trafalgar Square makes about as much sense as Aung San Suu Kyi joining the Myanmarese government.

Well, actually, the latter makes quite a lot of sense.

…For any Circle-Jerking-Coffee-Room-Humanitarian-Liberation-Warrior™ with more beer-money than completed essays.

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Pros:
Let’s face it, he’s more successful than any Lib Dem figure in history. If anyone can save this party, it’s a jumped-up, pompous, long-winded fictional character from a 1980s sitcom which is currently limited to DVD, online pirate posting on Youtube, or occasional television repeats.

Aye; the non-existent comic archetype in question would undoubtedly make the… the whatever-they’re-called, more successful by far than at any point in history.

I mean, by the end of the election, the Lib Dems might be even more recognizable to UK school children than Guy de Maupassant, Giuseppe Garibaldi, Gilgamesh, or Mozi.

Cons:
But if even Sir Humphrey can’t do that… well, who cares? The Liberal Democrats are the least of my worries.

Disclaimer: I thought I should name a few actual Lib Dems to put in this confidential and entirely non-fabricated leaked transcript, but then I realized I wasn’t able to name any.

Still, at least no one’s criticizing you personally, huh? ;)

Oh by the way: by now, I’ve done Labour, Tories, and Liberal Democrats. I could have done one for Naughty Nigel and the Kippers…

But in case you haven’t already noticed, the problem is that the “notable public figure” Naughty Nigel actually IS the Kippers. How many UKIP candidates can you actually name?

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