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Trump is Right – Proof that the Election is Rigged

Trump is Right – Proof that the Election is Rigged

Donald Trump has alleged the 2016 presidential election has been rigged against him and that the only possible way he can lose will be because of fraud and collusion. As a noted investigative reporter, I felt it was my journalistic duty to check into these shocking allegations and uncover whether his claims could be substantiated. It turns out Donald Trump is correct. The election IS rigged against him. The proof is extensive and conclusive.

First, Trump claims the liberal media has conspired to make him look bad – using nothing more than his own words – and the words of over a dozen female accusers – against him. But Trump argues vehemently that all of his female accusers are lying. And whose word are you going to believe, anyway? Their claims that Trump sexually assaulted them by kissing and groping them without their permission? Or Trump’s words claiming he routinely kisses and gropes women without their permission? Trump further adds that the media hasn’t devoted any coverage to what he speculates are numerous sex scandals involving Hillary with attractive younger male models. “It’s so unfair,” argues Trump.

Trump also has alleged that he has evidence there will be rampant voting fraud on election day at many polling locations. He may be right about this. From my research, I’ve uncovered evidence there could be literally millions of people conspiring to secretly enter voting locations scattered throughout the country, after which they’ll close the curtains to hide their clandestine actions before surreptitiously pulling the lever for the enemy candidate. And from what I can tell, there is no one – other than Trump – attempting to stop them.

rigged election - TrumpIn addition, Donald Trump now claims there is a massive covert conspiracy of international bankers, foreign powers, powerful oligarchs, Mark Cuban, former Trump University students and approximately 2,700 attractive women Trump may or may not have hit on between 1975 and approximately two hours before I published this article, all plotting to steal the election for Hillary. Exactly how all of these disparate forces are coordinating their efforts to commit this election fraud will be revealed shortly after the election, when Trump launches his new populist conspiracy news network, TRUMP TV.

Further evidence of election rigging: I’ve uncovered conclusive proof the Democrats created a series of brainwashing messages (campaign commercials) featuring old tapes of Trump saying things that admittedly are rather incriminating – such as “Mexican immigrants are rapists” and “John McCain was not a war hero”. While Trump did in fact make all these comments, in his defense, he had no idea at the time that months later people would be stupid enough to select him as the Republican presidential nominee. So he blames his supporters for their lapses in judgement.

I also have newly revealed indications that the electoral math may be rigged. It appears that with few exceptions, almost all the states that prefer Hillary (California, New York, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania) will be assigned more electoral votes than those states that prefer Trump (North Dakota, Montana, Idaho, Arkansas, etc.) Trump has argued this is totally unfair and was obviously implemented in this election specifically to give Hillary more votes. He tweeted this morning, “What did West Virginia ever do to deserve such second class electoral status?”

There is now irrefutable proof that the Russians are trying to alter the outcome of this year’s presidential race by releasing thousands of embarrassing emails right before the election. By doing so they are attempting to trash Trump’s reputation with outright lies to – [excuse me. What did you say? The Russians are trying to embarrass HILLARY to help TRUMP win the election? Seriously?] Like I was saying, Donald Trump thinks Vladimir Putin is a great leader and doesn’t believe bogus claims that Russia might be trying to hack Hillary’s emails. Utter nonsense.

rigged election - electoral mapIn hindsight, it appears the debates were fixed against Trump, too. While Trump was trying to Make America Great Again by holding rallies in front of throngs of adoring, angry low-information voters, Hillary was cheating by fiendishly doing extensive debate prep BEFORE the debates even took place. Nobody informed Mr. Trump the debate questions were going to be so hard. He has requested a debate do-over, but so far, none of the networks has replied. He plans to sue – everybody.

Trump also has new evidence to back up his previous claim that Ted Cruz’s father was part of a conspiracy to kill JFK. I’m not quite sure how this has anything to do with manipulating 2016’s election. Perhaps he just wanted to take another dig at that annoying Ted Cruz. Who can blame him?

It’s now abundantly clear that the Hillary for President conspiracy is far more widespread than initially suspected. Trump has evidence that suggests the DNC has gone so far as to bribe thousands of corrupt judges all over this great land to allow millions of dangerous and shady characters to vote who Trump feels have no right to vote, specifically the following nefarious, notoriously radical extremist fringe groups: Muslims, Hispanics, blacks, women, gays, and anyone with more than a 6th grade education.

From my exhaustive research, I’m able to report that it appears Hillary Clinton has in fact conspired to get millions of Americans to vote against Trump – apparently bribing them with “I’M WITH HER” buttons – by spewing a series of egregious lies about Trump, painting him as an arrogant, thin-skinned, vengeful, unstable, authoritarian, lying, bullying narcissist, racist, and misogynist billionaire, whose only goal is self-aggrandizement and adulation. But most of this is simply not true – and by “most of this” I mean, of course, the part about Trump being a billionaire.

When asked whether he will accept the outcome of the election, Trump said it depends on whether or not he loses. But if he does lose, he plans to file a multi-trillion-dollar lawsuit, suing every person who played a part in causing his electoral defeat. Trump campaign advisers have suggested in that case, he might want to start by suing himself.

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Theresa May to Rename Conservative Party ‘National-Socialist Party’

Theresa May to Rename Conservative Party ‘National-Socialist Party’

After her recent ‘success’ with the notorious Snooper’s Charter, Theresa ‘Jihadi Tess’ May is now planning to conduct yet another Cameroneque image change for her right-wing party, the Conservatives.

One anonymous source close to the eagle’s mouth tells me:

You ever notice? It’s so simple, I’m surprised you filthy pleb scum haven’t worked it out by now.

Theresa May is an authoritarian warmonger who rails (in a largely unconvincing and tokenistic manner) against entrenched economic privilege. Kind of a like socialism-lite, but a lot more nationalistic and less rigorously economic progressive than many socialists.

Now, I do wonder if we could come with a name for that? How about National Socialism? I think that would probably get the measure of her.

Still, no need to worry, old chap. All you need to do is keep your head down and stay out of problem.

Well unless, needless to say, the poofs, the trannies, the Jews, the Muzzies, the spackers, the dykes, the unions, the this, the that, the this, the that…

I went to ask former not so strong leader Dave ‘Gaveston Dave’ Cameron for a comment but he was too busy stuffing his pig, uh, stuffing his face with pig in an elite establishment in Oxford.

Good times comin’.

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Muslims Report Stuff

Muslims Report Stuff

At the second presidential debate, a Muslim member of the Town Hall audience asked Donald Trump what could be done to reduce the intense level of Islamophobia. Trump replied with what many Americans think is an outstanding solution to address these concerns and help Make America Safe Again: “We have to be sure that Muslims come in and report when they see something going on.”

What a brilliant idea. It appears Muslims by the thousands are embracing his advice – by taking to Twitter to report anything they witness in their Muslim community that seems suspicious. There’s even a Twitter hashtag they’ve created: #MuslimsReportStuff (honest!). Below are some tweets typical of what you’ll find there.

I, for one, can’t thank Donald Trump enough for his inspired idea to enlist Muslims in keeping America safe – from Muslims. They seem to be doing a fantastic job so far. Keep up the great work, everybody!

[Author’s disclaimer: The tweets posted below are all made up by me, Tim Jones, and do not represent actual tweets from actual Muslims. To see actual tweets, go to Twitter and search on #MuslimsReportStuff.]
muslim tweetA
muslim tweetBmuslim tweetC

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Hillary Clinton To Make Direct Appeal To Less-Educated, White, Male Voters

Hillary Clinton To Make Direct Appeal To Less-Educated, White, Male Voters

In the final run-up to the US presidential elections, Hillary Clinton is hoping to ensure victory by winning-over the one demographic group that Donald Trump has yet failed to insult or alienate.

That group consists of white American men without a college degree. Much of the threat posed by Donald Trump comes from this group who represented nearly half of all voters in 2012.

A draft transcript of Clinton’s forthcoming speech has been obtained by this site and is reproduced below:

Today, I want to speak to a very important section of our society. I want to address those whose hard work and self-sacrifice made America the great country it is today.

I’m referring, of course, to you uneducated, white guys.

I want you all to put down those cans of beer, burgers and bottles of mayonnaise and listen to me for five minutes before you next go out to buy meth or shoot someone.

The future of America is in your hands, and I believe that you all need to take that responsibility very seriously.

I want you to think for a minute about the demographic – that’s a big word that means the group in society – to which you belong. You are uneducated white males. The clue’s in the name.

It might not be your fault that you’re not so smart. Maybe inbreeding or other factors mean you didn’t start out very bright. It’s the way things have turned out, however, and it would be as crazy to deny that as it would be to deny you are fellow Americans.

I’m not saying you’re not wonderful, hardworking guys. Our great country would collapse tomorrow if it wasn’t for all the unskilled, menial jobs you do. I want you to imagine, however, that you needed brain surgery. Would you ask a buddy to do it or would you try to find an educated doctor? If you were taking a plane, would you want an educated pilot to fly it or would you be happy for Homer Simpson to give it a go?

I’m willing to bet that, after you’d thought as hard as you could about it, at least half of you would want your brain surgeon or pilot to be educated, even if your buddy would do the job for a pack of beers.

I want those of you who would choose an educated brain surgeon or pilot to now ask yourselves why you would make that choice.

Would it be because an educated brain surgeon or pilot would know what they were doing? Maybe you think you’d have a better chance of surviving the operation or the flight.

Voting for a president is like doing brain surgery or flying that plane. There are a lot of complicated things to think about when you’re a president, and working out who could do the job best is really hard.

I’m appealing to all you uneducated white guys not to vote on November 8.

If a loved one needed that brain surgery, you’d owe it to them to get the very best surgeon. Each of you really know, deep in your hearts, that you wouldn’t be clever enough to be certain of picking the right person.

It’s just the same with this great land we all love. You owe it to your kids, your family, this wonderful country and the world, to not even try thinking about picking a president.

I say again to you all: “don’t vote”. Leave big choices to those with better brains.

America needs you to just stay in bed, watch TV and have another beer on November 8.

You know it’s the right thing to do.

You know, deep down, that it’s what God wants you to do.

Thank you.

God bless America.

God bless America.

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BREAKING NEWS: Woman Claims Trump Didn’t Grope Her

BREAKING NEWS: Woman Claims Trump Didn’t Grope Her

A woman from Broken Springs, Michigan has come forward to insist that Donald Trump has not groped her, despite many opportunities to do so. Allison McGregor, a 47-year-old housekeeper who used to work at Trump’s Mar-o Lago hotel/resort in Florida, told Fox News today that the real estate broker used to visit the hotel at least once a week and on exactly zero occasions did he sexually assault her. Continue Reading

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Republicans Praised for Reducing Stigma for Psychopaths

Republicans Praised for Reducing Stigma for Psychopaths

Dateline: WASHINGTON, D.C.–The National Institute of Mental Health congratulated the Republican Party for helping to accustom Americans to those with mental illness, by elevating obvious psychopaths to positions of high office.

Doctor Fernando Lamas, chairman of the Institute, said at a press conference that Republican voters have done the United States “a great service, showing more so-called progressive Americans that those with antisocial disorders–who are typically demonized in popular horror films–can be entrusted with political power as long as we shirk our civic duties and learn to keep lowering our standards for acceptable public behaviour.”

According to Dr. Lamas, the Republican Party began this initiative in the 1980s when Republicans found that they could concoct excuses for Ronald Reagan’s declining health, which he suffered due to an onset of Alzheimer’s. Prior to that, Republicans were embarrassed when President Nixon’s megalomania was unveiled by the Watergate scandal.

“But their reverence for the mentally ill really ramped up,” said Dr. Lamas, “when Republicans managed to keep a straight face as they elected George W. Bush as president. Perhaps inadvertently at first, but surely with a charitable intention thereafter, Republicans worked tirelessly to teach mentally healthy citizens not to ignore the deranged, as George Bush Jr.’s cornucopia of follies left the whole world dumbfounded.”

By excusing Bush’s daily embarrassments and epic fiascos, Republicans brought mental disorder out of the shadows. Dr. Lamas compared this Republican initiative to gay rights advocacy: “both Republicans and homosexuals flaunt their peculiarities, whether on the national political stage or in Gay Pride parades, forcing everyone else to become inured to that which they might once have loathed.

“After Bush there was Sarah Palin, John McCain’s vice presidential nominee. With her bizarre turns of phrase, her unabashed ignorance on all relevant matters, her clueless mix of Christianity, family values, and sociopathic Republican boilerplate, she took hysterical mean-spiritedness to a higher level.

“But it’s that party’s fearlessness in spotlighting such palpably-malignant personalities,” continued Dr. Lamas, “as though they could be entrusted with vast political power, that’s done wonders in removing the stigma from mental illness.” Republicans have been particularly generous with sociopaths, not just by thrusting them into mainstream discourse, but by “coaching them to be evermore lax in disguising their inhuman lack of empathy.”

“Sociopathy, an extreme form of Antisocial Personality Disorder, is a mainstay of the political world,” said Gwendolyn Bianca, political scientist at Fancypants University, who also spoke at the press conference. Bianca argued that since it’s axiomatic that power eventually corrupts even the most moral of individuals, we can expect that a disproportionate number of politicians (as well as businesspeople and other wealthy or powerful persons) lack the capacity to feel complex emotions.

“Conscience is a luxury they can’t afford,” said Bianca, “because a politician’s duty demands that he or she sacrifice others for the greater good, a burden that would be intolerable to anyone with some moral sense.”

Dr. Lamas said that because Donald Trump, the 2016 Republican presidential nominee, has “given the game away, displaying no trace of shame or compassion, all Americans owe the Republican Party a debt of gratitude for its service to the mentally ill.”

Bianca added that “whereas Democratic leaders have opted for the traditional approach of hiding their elitist contempt for humanity behind feel-good messages and empty socialist promises, psychopathic Republicans have refused to sit at the back of the bus. Unlike Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton, whose antisocial personalities were formed when they were indoctrinated into the neoliberal technocracy and who thus mistake loss of conscience for exceptional rationality, Republican lunatics have shown no deference to the public’s prejudice against human predators.

“Republican elites wear their insanity on their sleeve, whereas Democratic politicians pretend to care about the little people. And bless the American voters for their bottomless tolerance for the absurd! Thanks to that recklessness, mental health issues have come to the fore, which has flooded mental health clinics across the nation with much-needed donations.”

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“I, for one, am not an anti-Neoliberal!”

“I, for one, am not an anti-Neoliberal!”

On the one hand, people who claim neoliberalism exists say that Hayek thought capitalism and free markets could aid democracy, but if not, well too bad!

But on the other hand, people who claim neoliberalism exists say that Hayek was predicting an inevitable slide into servitude (rather than hypothesising about potential risks).

Which one is the true one?

The reason I don’t trust the usual lines of assertion and rhetoric regarding Hayek and Friedman is that people try to have it both ways. They want to associate Hayek and Friedman with the pernicious ‘Washington Consensus’ of crony capitalism, but they also want to be taken seriously as people acquainted with the writings of Hayek and Friedman.

But everyone who has read even a little Hayek and Friedman knows that they were at best deeply sceptical, and at worst pretty critical, of continental-level or global-level crony capitalist institutionalism.

As you can see already, I am not defending this or that element of what they have written; that’s not the point here. I am merely pointing out that any association of scholars sceptical of global-institutional/continental-institutional ‘crony capitalism’ with the very same objects of their scepticism, or even criticism, can only ever stem either from cynicism, a lack of intelligence, or a lack of serious acquaintance with their writings.

And this is really not a grey area at all. Have you read the chapter near the end of ‘The Road to Serfdom’ where Hayek lays this all out fairly neatly?

Ultimately, the myth of neoliberalism risks severely discrediting intelligent and rational critics of globalist crony-capitalism; just as 9/11 Truthers, anti-vaxxers, and Ickean lizard-hunters risk imperilling the cause of non-interventionism.

The Vast Neoliberal Conspiracy is a busted spunk, and it needs to be binned, if people have the merest whit of ethical seriousness about the substantial limitations of globalist crony capitalism.

Adapted from my comments at the Facebook Group: Zizek and the Slovenian School. Further adapted from:

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Trump: Hillary Drooled Through Debate

Trump: Hillary Drooled Through Debate

On Wednesday Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump proposed this new conspiracy theory about his Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton: that she drooled all the way through Monday’s debate.

“Didn’t notice at 1st,” he tweeted, “Crooked Hillary drooled all over herself @ debate. I scare her BIGLY Probably had seizure. Sad!” Continue Reading

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Pokemon-Go Craze Puts U.S. Elections in Doubt

Pokemon-Go Craze Puts U.S. Elections in Doubt

NEW YORK – The incredibly addictive Pokemon-Go app, which has sent countless millions of people out into the world to stare at their cell phones more than ever, has now put the U.S. Presidential elections in doubt.

Current CNN polls show that voter turnout will be at an all-time low (17%) as millions of registered voters see little point in voting for U.S. President while there are still so many fabulous Pokemon characters out there to catch.

“There’s an election like every four years, right? But Pokemon-Go is a once-in-a-lifetime event,” said Wayne Potman, 25, of Salt Lake City. “I’m not against voting, so if I’m out that day, and there happens to be a Poke-Stop or a really cool Gym right by the voting location, then I might go in to vote. Seriously. If the line is not too long.”

Pokemon-Go creator, Niantic, has promised to seed U.S. voting locations with PokeStops and rare Pokemons in a desperate effort to boost voter turnout. “We see this as a win-win and a no-brainer,” said Niantic spokesman Jesus Angleton Dulles. “We will do our part to try to resuscitate the dying American Republic through Pokemon and Pokemon-Go.”

Continue Reading

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The End of America? PURE EVIL Barack Hussein Obama Regime is Coming for Your Polaroid Sunglasses!!!

The End of America? PURE EVIL Barack Hussein Obama Regime is Coming for Your Polaroid Sunglasses!!!

The wicked depravity of the evil, dictatorial socialist regime of Barack Hussein Obama knows no bounds. If you’ve been reading the news recently, we’re pretty sure you won’t have heard jack shit about the recent plot to confiscate your Polaroid sunglasses!

Why? Because the PURE EVIL ESTABLISHMENT MSM haven’t said a single word about it! Any ideas why that might be?

Hint-hint.  Continue Reading

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Trump-Corbyn Syndrome Defined As New Mental Disorder

Trump-Corbyn Syndrome Defined As New Mental Disorder

New editions of two major mental disorder classification manuals are to list Trump-Corbyn Syndrome (TCS) as a mental disorder.

The naming of the condition was inspired by the behaviour of Donald Trump’s supporters in the US and Jeremy Corbyn’s supporters in the UK.

The disorder is triggered by often justifiable anger about a person or institution. TCS is diagnosed if the person experiencing such strong negative feelings then rejects the object of their anger in favour of a radically different alternative that is entirely unfit for purpose.

The draft DSM-6 manual (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – Sixth Revision) gives an example of a person with Trump-Corbyn Syndrome purchasing an airline ticket:

The Australian carrier Quantas is consistently rated as the world’s safest airline. The Indonesian domestic airline, Transnusa, is currently rated by as amongst the least safe.

A TCS sufferer might take a dislike to the Quantas logo and book with Transnusa on an impulsive, emotional whim. He or she would dismiss the dangers and simply hope that the safety issues for which the Indonesian airline has been criticised would somehow be resolved before his or her flight.

The draft ICD-11 manual (International Classification of Diseases – Eleventh Revision) quotes the example of a person with Trump-Corbyn Syndrome snorkelling on a reef that contains angelfish and other such small, inoffensive creatures:

Such a swimmer might judge the reef to be boring and instead plan to snorkel in a location populated by hungry sharks and crocodiles. A person afflicted by TCS would see the new location as hugely more interesting but be deaf to warnings by others about the disadvantages of swimming there.

Both these examples illustrate the key characteristic of the condition. This relates to passionately pursuing whatever feels good in the present while applying no intelligent thought at all to future consequences.

‘The difficulty with TCS is that it’s a personality disorder,’ explained a representative of the UK Royal College of Psychiatrists. ‘This means that the beliefs and attitudes involved are so integrated with the personal identities of sufferers that, firstly, they are unable to recognise that they’re ill, and, secondly, there are no effective treatments. Medication is ineffective in treating personality disorders,’ she continued, ‘and psychological interventions tend to have only limited effects in less severe cases.’

A consequence of the lack of insight of TCS sufferers is that their views are not influenced by objective facts. The focus of their passionate support can fail catastrophically and yet those afflicted with TCS remain unable to accept the obvious.

‘A good example of this occurs in relation to end-of-the-world cults,’ explained a representative of the American Psychiatric Association. ‘One might think that an end-of-the-world cult would disintegrate if the appointed day for the apocalypse passed without incident.

‘What has actually happened on many occasions, however, is that the faith of believers – all of whom could be diagnosed with TCS – has become strengthened by the experience. They find ways to reinterpret the new reality in the context of their delusions. A classic way to achieve this is to give thanks to their god, or whatever entity was due to destroy the world, for sparing them.’

There is no doubt among experts that exactly the same phenomenon would occur in relation to the supporters of Donald Trump in the US and those of Jeremy Corbyn in the UK if either were to gain power.

‘If Donald Trump was elected to US president,’ the APA representative continued, ‘and he impetuously started a nuclear war on the following Tuesday, his supporters – all of whom, by definition, experience some degree of TCS – would not blame him for poor judgement. They would, instead, blame Iceland – or whichever random country he had chosen to nuke – for provoking an attack by a totally reasonable and rational president.’

The representative of the UK Royal College of Psychiatrists described a related scenario in a British context. ‘Suppose Jeremy Corbyn became the British Prime Minister,’ she began. ‘It’s pretty obvious to anyone who thinks about it that within twelve months the UK would have reverted to the political, economic and social chaos of the 1970s.

‘Supporters of Mr Corbyn would not blame him, however. His TCS afflicted followers would, in fact, have a pre-existing narrative to explain the carnage that they had brought upon the country – a narrative that did not implicate Mr Corbyn at all.

‘They would be likely to argue that the breakdown of British society had been an inevitable consequence of conflict between those who owned the means of production and the proletariat. Not one of them would grasp that simplistic Marxist ideology should never have been applied to the complex political, social and economic circumstances of the early twenty-first century.’

Donald Trump and Jeremy Corbyn appear to be at opposite ends of the political spectrum. In the context of the above, therefore, it is interesting that identical campaign slogans have been adopted by supporters of both – and that these slogans resonate with those in George Orwell’s book, 1984. ‘Inconvenient truths are lies’ shout supporters of both men at their rallies together with ‘If it feels true; it is true’.

The real catastrophe would occur, of course, if enough people became afflicted with TCS to result in someone who was potentially dangerous gaining significant political power.

For previous examples of the dire consequences of such a development, please consult any world history book that covers the early to mid-twentieth century.

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Inflammatory Gary Johnson & Bill Weld Video: Secret Transcript Leak

Inflammatory Gary Johnson & Bill Weld Video: Secret Transcript Leak

Libertarian POTUS 2016 hopefuls Gary Johnson and Bill Weld have recently done a revamp of their recent edgy campaign video.

This hilarious inept video makeover hasn’t been released yet; but the new video does contain the edgy guitar instrumentals of David Bowie’s ‘Never Get Old’.

It also contains the following highly ‘provocative’ dialogue… Continue Reading

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Casino King Donald Trump Would Ban Online Casinos as President for ‘Not Being Classy Enough’

Casino King Donald Trump Would Ban Online Casinos as President for ‘Not Being Classy Enough’

Millionaire Donald J. Trump may have come from humble beginnings as the son of a wealthy real estate tycoon, but he made his name as a brash and powerful casino magnate. But if there’s one thing he can’t abide, especially as president, it’s anyone else cutting into what he consider his business.

At a rally held in a California middle school gymnasium, he told the crowd of awestruck students that, “Casinos are supposed to be classy, am I right? I’m right folks, you know that, everybody does. But how can something be classy if it’s on the internet? That makes no sense.”

The press corps was made up entirely of bloggers from Breitbart, National Review Online, FrontPage and a single student from the school newspaper who managed to avoid having his phone confiscated before entering the almost-entirely empty multi-purpose room where lunch is also served, in this instance at the same time.

“Casinos are a place where you go to have a great time. You’ll learn about that,” said the presidential hopeful. “Ask your parents, they’ll tell you about it, it’s fantastic.”

Trump is well known for building what he calls, “the biggest, grandest, classiest casinos, they’re truly terrific, you wouldn’t even believe it, believe me,” adding, “No, I’m serious, ask anyone. Well, high-rollers. Ask high-rollers and they’ll tell you what a real casino is supposed to be like, it’s superlative.”

When a reporter later asked to clarify if he actually meant “superlative” or if he was just intending to use on at that point, he was grabbed by the neck by security, escorted off the premises and arrested for transporting home-grown tree fruit into California without declaring it. No charges have been filed.

When reached for comment, a spokesman for industry leader Casino Pokies Online said only that he doesn’t know what we’re talking about, who we are, that he “doesn’t have time for this,” and added that, no, I may not quote him. Advice I promised to consider, but not heed.

The aspirational leader of the free world explained to teachers and athletic directors present that “online casinos don’t have showgirls, they don’t have complimentary drinks or show tickets to Gallagher, The Rockettes, or Amy Schumer’s sister. Whatever her name is, people say she’s great, I hear it all the time.”

Industry experts have suggested that the real reason Donald Trump would ban online casinos is that, since he’s perpetually teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, this could push him over that cliff yet again, and that insolvency prior to the election could increase his chances of “getting his ass whupped by a girl.”

Others have suggested that since online gaming is more fun and more accessible than going to an inconvenient and needlessly expensive casino, people might choose to skip his silly monuments to man’s hubris altogether.

Jerry Fenson, a welder from Poughkeepsie, New York, explained that, “When I play from home, I can actually win. If I have to pay to go to one of his casinos, I have to win a thousand dollars just to break even after the cost of the room and travel. It’s literally impossible to beat the house in Atlantic City, and that’s assuming I don’t get mugged outside, which is a very big assumption.”

Donald Trump expects to give his acceptance speech on November 8th in a private ceremony to his closest friends and family members shortly after delivering his official concession speech.

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Official Letters Confirm Trump is Ready to Become the Most Amazing President Ever

Official Letters Confirm Trump is Ready to Become the Most Amazing President Ever

The Trump Campaign just announced it will be releasing scores of official letters from experts attesting to the fact Donald Trump is fully prepared to be the most incredibly qualified person to run for the American presidency in over 500 years. Below is a partial sampling of the letters the campaign released today.

On Donald Trump’s Health and Fitness

I’ve thoroughly reviewed Donald J. Trump’s medical history, by which I mean I saw him recently on the Doctor Oz show. And I can confirm without hesitation that Mr. Trump is in excellent health. He’s in way better shape than Martin Van Buren or Chester A. Arthur were when they were president. And his hair color is totally natural.

If you ask me, Donald Trump is without a doubt the most physically fit, emotionally stable human being ever to run for any elected office in any nation, not to mention he is incredibly well-endowed “in that department” – no problems there. (Mr. Trump, did I cover all the points you wanted me to in this letter?)

Dr. Derek Shepherd (AKA Doctor McDreamy)
Chief of Neuro-surgery
Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (on the hit ABC TV show, Grey’s Anatomy)

Trump letters- Col SandersOn Donald Trump’s readiness to become Commander-in-Chief

Oh sure, I passed away 36 years ago, but I met the Donald once, and from that brief encounter, let me tell you, he’s fully prepared to be our next Commander-in-Chief. People called me “Colonel,” and rightfully so. I was really good at Battleship. So as a military expert, I’m confident Mr. Trump would be a great commander, whether the board game was Stratego or Checkers.

I’m convinced Donald Trump has the right temperament to have access to the nuclear launch codes. That said, I don’t have a clue what the phrase “nuclear launch codes” actually means. But I do know he likes to eat KFC, so this Colonel is ready to give him a patriotic salute.

Colonel Harland Sanders
Deceased Commander-in-Chief
Kentucky Fried Chicken

Trump letters- Bernie MadoffOn the issue of disclosing Donald Trump’s tax returns

People are getting all bent out of shape over Mr. Trump’s tax returns. I say, what’s the big deal? I keep reading crazy claims like “He must be hiding something” and “He probably hasn’t paid taxes in 25 years” and “He seems to owe a lot to foreign governments like China and Russia.” All I have to say is, hey, can you believe the weather we’ve been having lately?

I’m sure Trump will eventually release his tax returns – sometime after his death. I’d vote for Trump in a heartbeat – if he’d just grant me parole so I could get back in the game like him.

Bernie Madoff
Former CEO
Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC
Currently Federal Prison Inmate #61727-054

Trump letters- Queen ElizabethOn Trump’s qualifications to fight for the working class

Hello, America. This is your rightful Queen here. My word, what is all this ruckus across the pond over this Trump fellow? I assure you, when it comes to defrauding, er, I mean defending you commoners, Donald Trump will do a smashing job. Recently, at a black-tie fundraising dinner for his newest exclusive Scottish golf resort, I saw Mr. Trump take several extra helpings of tiramisu from the dessert table to bring back for his chauffeur. Or was it his valet? He’s ever so thoughtful of people he knows are beneath him.

Mr. Trump has always surrounded himself with working class people. Who do you think he hires as maids at all his posh resorts? That’s right – his close Mexican friends – some of whom he’s been known to pay almost minimum wage. Mr. Trump will do everything in his power to defend the needs of the working class, so long as they are the part of the working class making over $800,000 a year.

Queen Elizabeth II
Queen of the United Kingdom and Head of the British Commonwealth of Nations

Trump letters- Miss UniverseOn Trump’s special relationship with women

I don’t know why some people say Donald Trump is a mysoganost – oh, I can never pronounce that fancy word. He loves the ladies, especially us pretty girls with nice curves. I met Mr. Trump when he hosted the 2012 Miss Universe pageant. Such a gentleman. He took me out to dinner after I was crowned and even offered to show me his private hotel suite – until he realized Mrs. Trump might be there, that is.

Girls, if you don’t like Mr. Trump, then you don’t know him like I do. As long as you have less than 5% body fat, are beautiful, and not too smart, he’ll take good care of you. I love the diamond bracelet he bought me. I told him he shouldn’t have. He said, “Don’t worry, babe, I just used money given by a Trump Foundation donor. They won’t miss it.” See, he’s so smart. I would vote for him even if he wasn’t subsidizing the rent on my Manhattan high-rise.

Olivia Culpo
Miss Universe 2012

In coming days, the Trump campaign plans to release letters from several more experts, including testimonials from naval military expert Captain Crunch and international relations expert Count Chocula. They plan to release a glowing testimonial from an African American supporter, just as soon as they can locate one.

Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

America Still Greatest Democracy in the World – CNN Poll

America Still Greatest Democracy in the World – CNN Poll

ATLANTA – A recent CNN poll of American citizens found that a solid majority (92%) believes that “the United States of America is still the greatest democracy in the world.”

Most poll respondents were clearly favorable toward American democracy. Their comments included:

“We’re definitely number 1.”

“We are the greatest country on earth. No question about it.”

“America is the greatest country I’ve ever seen.”

“Other countries just suck. Except Israel.”

“Even if other countries are better, we are still the greatest.”

“You mean: there are other countries?”

“America can kick the shit out of any other countries’ democracies. They’re just losers.”


Most would agree. However, a few marginal critics of American democracy, such as Michael Moore, believe that exit poll deviations from official results prove that American elections are sometimes fraudulent. Moore has even called for UN supervision of US elections.

Yet the CNN poll showed that 66.6% also agreed with the statement: “Exit polls are an insult to American democracy and a total waste of time.”

American Exceptionalism Explained

So just how did America come to create a better democracy than in all other countries on the planet? Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, Top Stories, World News0 Comments

Unelectable: A History of Jeremy Corbyn at the Polls

Unelectable: A History of Jeremy Corbyn at the Polls

You won’t hear any protests from me when you call Jeremy Corbyn unelectable. What a joke the man is. He can’t afford a nice suit, and didn’t even have the decency to look flustered when asked to publish his tax return. What kind of politician is that?

That said, being skeptics, we like all that evidence and stuff. So I thought I would see if there is any evidence as to whether Jeremy is electable or not. Continue Reading

Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Politics0 Comments

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