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Entire International Community Fits/Meets Inside Tiny Beltway Café

Entire International Community Fits/Meets Inside Tiny Beltway Café

Recently, the entire International Community™ met together in a miniscule Beltway Café in Washington.

Obviously, this vast group agreed unanimously and without exception concerning all the Matters of Grave Common Concern™ that are of importance to Our Common Humanity..™

And, needless to say, they conclusively resolved all of the pressing issues that are of crucial importance to sustaining our current and eternal Flourishing, Democratic Global Order of Mutual Prosperity™.

Still, the café owner was initially wary of this most inestimable privilege.

“I mean, I was thinking to myself, 6 to 7 billion people is a tough call. We get kind of busy sometimes, but my place only seats about 20 people.

“Still, when I found out that the international community only has about a dozen members, I found that we could easily accommodate them; hell, we could probably fit in the various International Communities of an entire solar system, at a push!”

One top Rep Hawk told me:

“It’s great that we have only 13 people here; and we’re pretty democratic and egalitarian about it… you know, within reason. I mean: 6 reps who love America, 6 dems who kinda don’t hate America THAT much, and a token Brit from one of those pissy Euroweenie countries that keep bothering us, whatever that place is called.”

A top Dem Hawk interjected:

“Hey, you’re wrong, that 13th guy, whatever-his-name is, he’s actually ok! We have a special relationship with him, and he does everything we tell him to do, without the slightest murmur of complaint. I mean, when we met in the café, we just doped him up on a BYOB of champagne, and he just sat there and grinned at us the whole time, without saying a a word.”

I asked if just 13 was a bit exclusive.

His most exalted Demnibleness replied:

“Not really; I mean there were a few Chinese guys and motley Orientals and other foreigners who kept hollering and trying to break down the door. Uncultured savages. I mean, any TRUE left-wing person wouldn’t behave like those hooligans, right?”

And his most exalted Reptasticness told me:

“You think that was a problem? Remember when those goddamn dirty Arabs tried to join us? Oh God, and their smell! Seriously! And now you have all those filthy pinko liberals and pinko libertarians (what’s the difference, anyways?!) who want us to let these kind of people join our club?

“I mean, these idiots are literally worse than Hitler and Nancy Pelosi combined!”

Meanwhile, rumors persist that Somewhere Down There South of the Border™, a new complex of tequila places and internationally themed restaurants and cafes is being built, which will be able to accommodate a large number of people from almost 200 countries.

Worse still, the presumptuous provision of various communicative devices, media centers, and grass-roots research teams with compulsory investigation sabbaticals, will enable representatives to keep in touch with their own citizens; so that they don’t end up presumptuously speaking for everyone in their own country.

According to a highly disturbing rumor, the people behind this despicable and dastardly scheme wish to set up a rival International Community; one that (scandalously and unforgivably) will not be made up purely of a few top Rep and Dem hawks.

When I mentioned this, the entire International Community roared in unison:

“It’ll never work!”

One told me, trembling with trepidation, terror, and a slight overdose of crystal meth:

“I mean, let’s not be dogmatic about this. Like, at a push, maybe we can let in another one or two token Euroweenies. But the problem is, these guys are supposed to be our friends; and friends always respect each other and help each other and act in a cooperative manner.”

Another added, hurling down his needle in despair and fury:

“Yeah, but OBVIOUSLY, the problem with these socialist Euroweenie bastards is that they just don’t get that side of it. They just NEVER do what we say. What kind of friendship is that? I mean, if they don’t keep their side of the bargain, why should we? Free contract, my ass!”

I wanted to ask number 13 what he thought about this, but I think by this stage, he had passed out from an excess of champagne and (naturally) from an excess of tokenistic “appreciation” and “respect” from the entire International Community.

Then again, as the saying goes: “If the whole world hates you, think again. And if the whole world loves you, think again.”


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Ailing John Kerry Combats Mainstream Logic

Ailing John Kerry Combats Mainstream Logic

The entire International Community™ (all ten or so individuals!) have been suddenly cast adrift without guidance and enlightenment…

No, it’s not, as you mighta thought, that Fox’s Glenn Beck and his MSNBC haters have hung up their microphones, leaving the entire global policy world in eternal darkness.

Nah! It’s just that John Kerry is taking a reasonably adequate break™; he’s currently in recovery from severe brain-fry. Continue Reading


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Remember All that Voter Fraud? The Real Numbers Surprised Us

Remember All that Voter Fraud? The Real Numbers Surprised Us

It is easy to grab headlines with a lurid claim –“TENS OF THOUSANDS MAY BE VOTING ILLEGALLY!”– but the follow-up, when any exists – is not usually deemed newsworthy. – From “The Truth About Voter Fraud” by the Brennan Center for Justice.

This is an attempt by guest writer Flantabulous to compile all ‘those non-newsworthy follow-ups’. Continue Reading


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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Obama’s “lame” Supreme Court ploy?

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Obama’s “lame” Supreme Court ploy?

Announcer: As we’re all aware, a president’s appointment of a Supreme Court judge is subject to the approval of the Senate. If the Republicans gain control of the Senate in November, and, if, as a result, Justice Ginsburg decides to retire, that would give President Obama one last chance to appoint a Supreme Court judge and have the appointment approved by the “Lame Duck” Democrats. To give us some perspective on this issue, Dick and Janey’s guest today on “Yucky World” will be noted political commentator “Scoop” Pooper.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. Pooper!

Dick: Hi, Scoopedoo!

Scoop: Sometimes I wonder why I appear on this show.

Dick: Where else could you talk about lame ducks!

Scoop: I’m more worried about lame brains.

Dick: Man, I really feel sorry for those poor ducks.

Scoop: Not half as sorry as I feel for your audience.

Janey: Scoop, let’s get right to the issue. What’s the key quality President Obama is looking for in a Supreme Court nominee?

Scoop: An inability to read what the Constitution says.

Dick: Huh? Why would Obama want to appoint a judge with reading problems?

Scoop: Why not? We’ve had lots of ‘em already!

Janey: I can’t believe that. How could they get through law school?

Dick: Maybe they had Obama for their professor.

Janey: How about giving us an example.

Scoop: No problem. We’ve seen a lot of rulings involving the right to privacy. Now, when you read the Constitution, you can’t find that right anywhere.

Janey: Not specifically, but it’s based on the Fourth Amendment’s illegal search and seizure clause.

Scoop: Yes, but it was somehow used as the basis for the right to an abortion which is no where in the Constitution. In fact, up until 1973, it was a power of the states.

Janey: So?

Scoop: So, the Tenth Amendment says, “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.” The regulation of abortion should be a reserved power of the states.

Dick: But doesn’t their ruling on assisted suicide actually contradict their abortion ruling?

Scoop: Exactly! Like abortion, there’s not one word in the Constitution about assisted suicide. And it certainly qualifies as a privacy issue of a personal choice to be made between the patient and doctor.

Janey: But their ruling said that it was up to the states: Michigan has outlawed assisted suicide while it’s legal in Oregon.

Scoop: Correct! They contradicted themselves.

Janey: Then aren’t you really arguing for a strict interpretation of the Constitution?

Scoop: No! I’m arguing for a proper reading of the Constitution.

Dick: Yeah, but I thought the Supreme Court’s job was to interpret the Constitution, to tell us what it means.

Scoop: That’s the problem. You won’t find the word “interpret” in the Constitution. In reading class, understanding what you’ve read is called comprehension, not interpretation. You can interpret a poem; give it your own meaning, but not a constitution. It has to be comprehended, then explained—not interpreted.

Janey: But how does this apply to the fight over Supreme Court nominees?

Scoop: Obama wants a judge who will spend most of his or her time reading between the lines instead of reading what the Constitution actually says.

Janey: What’s between the lines?

Scoop: The right to an abortion.

Dick: So President Obama needs to nominate a judge who has reading problems?

Scoop: Exactly! He wants a judge who can find a “right” like abortion in the Constitution—even if it’s not there.

Janey: Well, why don’t they just do it the proper way and add a constitutional amendment for the right to an abortion?

Scoop: This way’s easier—especially when you’ve never had the votes to get an amendment adopted.

Dick: But where could Obama find a judge with reading problems?

Scoop: Kansas!

Janey: Kansas?

Scoop: Specifically, the Kansas State Supreme Court. They just let the Democratic candidate for the Senate withdraw even though state law says you can only withdraw for two reasons: if you’re dead (he’s not) or if you’re incapable of fulfilling the duties of the office (but the ex-Democratic candidate is still fulfilling the duties of district attorney).

Janey: Why did they do that?

Scoop: So the independent senate candidate would have a better chance of beating the Republican and, if he wins, then he would caucus with the Democrats.

Dick: Somebody should tell Toto.

Janey: I’m not sure he’s in Kansas anymore.

Dick: Too bad! You know, I think I’ll go home and reread the Constitution.

Janey: Wow! Reread!! Thinking about becoming a Supreme Court judge?

Dick: Naw! According to the President’s reading standards, I’m probably overqualified.


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Israelis and Palestinians Finally Agree on Something… Unfortunately

Israelis and Palestinians Finally Agree on Something… Unfortunately

The UN Council, sick of the never ending strife in Israel between the Jews and the Arabs, came up with a novel idea for mediating a lasting truce. They employed Buddhists to act as peacekeepers.

The Buddhist faith, probably among the most peaceful of any of the earthly religions, emphasizes tolerance, good will and understanding as its most important virtues.

The UN high council members thought that having Buddhist monks watching over the two Mid-east enemies might bring about the long sought after peace that the area had lacked for the last 70 years. Continue Reading


Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Rep/Dem Hawks Approve “Moderate Islamist” Manifesto

Rep/Dem Hawks Approve “Moderate Islamist” Manifesto

Frustrated by what they perceive to be the dogmatism both of liberal or secular Muslims on the one hand, and hardcore political Islamists on the other, various factions of moderate political Islamism™ have released a joint solidarity statement.

The statement has met with widespread acclaim among UK Trotskyites, as well as moderate political Islamists themselves,..

Well, the latter are happy that a certain proportion of the Left are continuing to show solidarity in their eternal struggle against the public/private distinction, capitalism, and individual liberty.

Signatories (so far) include Erdogan and his party, the moderate dissidents in Syria, George Galloway’s Respect Party, and the Moderate Taliban™ (remember these guys?)

The statement runs as follows:

1. Islam is the only foundation of the state. No other political or religious ideologies may be permitted to exist within a moderate political Islamist state. This is absolutely non-negotiable, and anyone who raises the slightest objection is to be immediately liquidated, in the most brutal and savage manner possible.

2. Secular and liberal Muslims claim that gay people should be free from police persecution, and should have a wide array of civil liberties. God forbid! On the other hand, hardcore political Islamists wish to behead and stone homosexuals. This is also unacceptable.

A moderate political Islamist state will avoid both extremes, and merely give all homosexuals a life sentence, and ensure that none of their family members may attend university, or be permitted to serve in any political, police or military function.

3. Secular and liberal Muslims claim that what a woman does with her own vagina is her own damn business. God forbid! On the other hand, hardcore political Islamists wish to execute unchaste women in the most horrendous manner possible. This is also unacceptable.

A moderate political Islamist state will avoid both extremes, and merely beat these women in public, so that they will be forced to reflect on their depravity. Yet, offenders who repeatedly refuse to turn from the errors of their ways will be given a life sentence. (Please note how we are more lenient on our women than on homosexuals; women have tender feelings, and we must pity those who go astray).

4. Secular and liberal Muslims claim that full religious toleration and equality must be provided to Jews, Christians, and all the even more small and insignificant religious minorities, who are not worth mentioning here, and who in any case are not mentioned in the Quran. God forbid! On the other hand, hardcore political Islamists wish to liquidate anyone who does not accept Islam. This is also unacceptable.

A moderate political Islamist state will avoid both extremes, and thus we will permit non-Muslims to survive, provided they pay the jizya, and refrain from criticising Islam or committing any form of blasphemy whatsoever. Those who do presume to do so will be liquidated; but anyone who respects Islam may live. We must also ensure that those who do not convert to Islam are prevented from attaining high positions in the government, media, academic, police or military spheres.

Top Democratic and Republican warhawks are impressed with this statement. One Saviour of Our Common Humanity™ from one of the two main parties or other told me:

“You know, this is what we were hoping for all along. Now that we know who the real moderate defenders of freedom and liberty are, we can keep on fighting the REAL terrorists, like ISIS.”

And some guy from that other stupid party, whatever it’s called, said:

“Well, this will buy us a bit of time. We can approve this statement in public first; then, once we have dealt with ISIS, we can turn on the moderate political Islamists; you know, like we did with the Taliban and Saddam.”

Finally, Robert Fisk was unavailable for comment, as he was writing a tearful Tumblr post about the sad, sad, weepy world in which we live, and why can’t we all just live together in love and peace and acceptance.


Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

“Yucky World” w/ Dick and Janey: Pro-choice advocates changing tactics!

“Yucky World” w/ Dick and Janey: Pro-choice advocates changing tactics!

Announcer: “National Review”, in its August 25th edition, noted that abortion rights supporters “are abandoning the label ‘pro-choice’.” However, NR goes on to note, a “sure substitute for ‘pro-choice’ has yet to emerge…” (p.10)

Georgia Ohwell, a pro-abortion activist, has a strategy based on a terminology change to revolutionize the dynamics of the abortion debate. She will be discussing this with talk show hosts Dick and Janey of “Yucky World”. Continue Reading


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“Yucky World” w/ Dick and Janey: Gubernatorial Mayhem!

“Yucky World” w/ Dick and Janey: Gubernatorial Mayhem!

Announcer: Political campaigns seem to be getting nastier and nastier. One of the worst has been the governor’s race in our home state. Both candidates are here today to debate the issues as guests of Dick and Janey on their talk show “Yucky World”.

Janey: I want to offer a warm welcome to our two gubernatorial candidates, Johnny Mangler and James Bustemup.

Dick: One of them will be the next guber of our state.

Janey: That’s governor, Dick.

Dick: They look more like gubers to me.

Janey: If you say so. Gentlemen why has this campaign been so negative?

Mangler: Don’t ask me. He started it!

Bustemup: Did not!

Mangler: Did so!

Bustemup: You ran the first negative TV commercial!

Mangler: All my ad did was to ask you a simple question that required a simple “Yes” or “No” answer: Have you stopped beating your dog? Have you? Huh?

Bustemup: Well, you never answered my ad’s simple question: Have you ever met a dead cat that you didn’t like? “Yes” or “No”? Huh? Huh?

Dick: I’m not real mathematical, but I think we may have just reached a new high in negativity!

Janey: And since we have apparently completed our discussion of that subject, let’s turn our debate to some of the other campaign issues. Mr. Bustemup, what are you going to do about taxes?

Bustemup: Read my lips: I’ll lower taxes!

Mangler: That pledge is as false as his teeth!

Bustemup: Read my gums: I’ll still lower taxes!

Janey: O-okay, let’s move on. How do you differ on crime?

Mangler: He’s soft on crime!

Bustemup: He’s soft in the head like a poached egg!

Mangler: His thinking’s all scrambled!

Dick: Keep it up, guys!

Janey: Dick, please!

Dick: Just trying to “egg” them on a little. Yuck! Yuck! Chortle!

Janey: There’s been a lot of concern expressed during the campaign about the deterioration of family values. Does either of you have a program to deal with this problem?

Mangler: He probably wants to give out army boots to all of our mothers—like the kind his mother wore!

Bustemup: Yeah, well, your father wore a tutu with his army boots!

Mangler: Let’s take this outside in the alley. I’ll knock your brains out!

Bustemup: I’ll knock yours out first!

Dick: This should be a real short fight!

Mangler: I hope we can find the alley.

Bustemup: You’d have trouble finding your nose if it wasn’t stuck to your face.

Mangler: Yeah, well, at least my nose looks like it belongs to my face!

Janey: Gentlemen, please! I going to call an end to our debate before someone gets hurt. And…ah…please put your chairs down. Thank you. Our security personnel will now escort you to your cars.

Dick: It’s too bad we don’t have an alley out back. It might have been fun watching them rearrange each other’s face!

Janey: Dick, please. Say! Are you okay? You look a little sick.

Dick: I was just thinking about Election Day.

Janey: And?

Dick: Well, normally, I hold my nose when I’m voting, but this time I’m afraid I’m going to have to take an airline barf bag into the booth with me.

Janey: Pretty bad, huh?

Dick: “(W)retched!”


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“Yucky World” w/ Dick & Janey: Russian spy embedded in Obama White House!

“Yucky World” w/ Dick & Janey: Russian spy embedded in Obama White House!

Announcer: This is a “Yucky World” Special! Talk show hosts Dick and Janey will not be saying much today. We’ll be listening instead to a secretly recorded conversation in which a deep cover Russian agent known as Putzy, embedded in the Obama administration as a foreign policy expert, is being debriefed by Bob, his handler.

Dick: This is serious stuff, folks!

Janey: Our source, who has security clearances at the highest levels, has chosen to remain anonymous.

Dick: You may wonder why he would leak this to us.

Janey: Think: Bengazi, the IRS’s lost emails, Fast and Furious, bin Laden’s hundreds of thousands of never released documents, the Sergeant Bergdahl trade due to his “poor” health…

Dick: …Obama’s college records!

Janey: Dick, please.

Dick: Well, even George W. Bush released his!

Janey: True, but maybe he had better grades. Let’s listen to the debriefing.
_ _ _ _ _
Bob: You were absolutely right about his ego!

Putzy: Thank you, sir, but Obama made it easy. All you had to do was listen to him. In his victory speech in June of 2008, he said that his nomination would mark “the moment when the rise of the oceans begin to slow and our planet began to heal…”

Bob: Dr. Obama, ready to save the world!

Putzy: In the next month he went even further. He said that his becoming president “is the moment…that the world is waiting for…”

Bob: So was Prime Minister Putin!

Putzy: And your follow up was brilliant, sir.

Bob: Spasiba! We used our persuasive powers to convince the Norwegians to give him the Nobel Peace Prize…

Putzy: …For accomplishing nothing.

Bob: Exactly, but then he had to live up to it…and for almost six years Obama thought the best way to achieve that was by doing almost nothing…

Putzy: …That was successful. Which is exactly what happens when you choose to “Lead from behind”.

Bob: How did you convince them to make that their policy?

Putzy: They’re so naïve; they thought it was brilliant.

Bob: But your master stroke was getting Obama to stop the plans to build a missile defense system in Poland and the Czech Republic.

Putzy: Thank you, but deciding to undercut America’s friends and then announcing the change on the day World War II began in Europe was Obama’s idea.

Bob: Has he no sense of history?

Putzy: Obama believes it’s his moment to transform the world, that he is the embodiment of history!

Bob: Unbelievable! And then you got them to dumb-down their policy to “Don’t do stupid stuff!”

Putzy: Right! And that was after I had convinced Hillary to actually give a “Reset” button to Foreign Minister Lavrov.

Bob: Lavrov got a big kick out of the wrong word being used for “reset”! And, of course, Putin has been doing all the actual resetting…of boundaries.

Putzy: The Crimea and eastern Ukraine today! Who knows what tomorrow!! After all, Obama did tell President Medvedev that he would have “more flexibility” after he was elected in 2012.

Bob: Well, spinelessness is a form of flexibility. Too bad Obama only has two more years to go.

Putzy: I tried to convince him to work to change the Constitution back to no term limits for the President, that the Republicans had only changed it to hurt Democrats, but Obama wasn’t interested.

Bob: Really!

Putzy: Well, we were out on a golf course and he was trying to line up a putt.

Bob: That’s okay. You’ve had a lot of other successes.

Putzy: Afghanistan is my favorite. Obama was intent on getting all American troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan, but they did need more soldiers in Afghanistan. So, I told Obama when he announced the surge, he should also announce at the same time when the soldiers would start to leave.

Bob: Brilliant!! Nothing like letting your enemy know your future plans! You also did well when Obama trapped himself by drawing a “red line” over Syria’s use of chemical weapons.

Putzy: And, unbelievably, he later followed my suggestion of claiming that he really didn’t draw a red line, that “The world set a red line.”

Bob: That’s when comrade Putin stepped in and negotiated a deal to destroy all of Syria’s chemical weapons.

Putzy: And if you believe that, you will probably also believe that Iran is serious about negotiating away its ability to build nuclear weapons.

Bob: What was even harder to believe was his announcing that he didn’t have a strategy for dealing with the ISIS terrorists.

Putzy: I keep encouraging him not to use a teleprompter so he will make more unforced errors. The weaker he looks, the better for us. I mean, who wants to be in a coalition with someone who leads from behind without a strategy.

Bob: Your “Spike the ball” tactic has also provided a gold mine of information.

Putzy: With Obama, it’s all about politics. He and Hillary didn’t even deny that they had voted against Bush’s surge in Iraq for political reasons. When it came to killing bin Laden, I encouraged him to brag about how it was done. I thought a movie would be a good idea, too!

Bob: Well, Secretary of Defense Gates didn’t like all the intelligence being leaked out.

Putzy: I was in the next room when Gates told them to “Shut the f— up!” but it was too late for the Pakistani doctor who helped out. Nothing like burning an asset to discourage future sources.

Bob: But they never learn do they?

Putzy: Nyet! They even bragged about the failed operation to save the two executed reporters…with more information leaking to the terrorists.

Bob: Your “No boots on the ground!” idea seems to be working well, too!

Putzy: They keep making the same mistakes! There’s nothing dumber than telling your enemy ahead of time what you’re not going to do!

Bob: Come the 2016 election, we’re going to miss Obama and his “useful idiots”.

Putzy: Not even Hillary could be this good for us!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
Janey: This is devastating!

Dick: Can’t our source do something to out Putzy?

Janey: He’s tried. Obama’s not going to admit that he’s been naively bamboozled for the last six years.

Dick: Well, there is one promise that Obama has kept…at least to the Russians.

Janey: What’s that?

Dick: Being transparent!


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Purr Gate

Purr Gate

David Cameron coughed up a fur ball this week when he told ex-mayor of New York, Michael Bloomberg that the Queen “purred” when she had heard the result of the Scottish Referendum.

During this conversation it has also been revealed that whilst the Queen purred like a cat, Prince Philip could be heard barking like a raving lunatic in a basket of used tissues.

“So she was purring, right?” says Cameron “I then I thought one of the corgis had got her but then it shouted out something racist.” Continue Reading


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A Psalm for the Tea Party

A Psalm for the Tea Party

1) The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want–to talk to liberals.

2) He maketh me lie down in untaxed green pastures: he leadeth me to the clear waters of pro-Gun states where I can shoot deer or thieves as God intended; no libs shall take my guns away.

3) He restoreth our souls to their Constitutional originals; he leadeth us down the righteous right-wing path where no left-leaning wingnuts lie in wait. Continue Reading


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Hillary Clinton Latest in Nude Celebrity Photo Scandal

Hillary Clinton Latest in Nude Celebrity Photo Scandal

Aspiring Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appears to be the latest notable figure involved in the nude celebrity photo leak scandal, according to traumatized sources who have seen the photos.

“I can’t believe I saw those pictures!” said TMZ spokesperson Alicia Hartless. “I may have to spend a few years in therapy just to wipe those images from my mind!”

Some people who saw the pictures were not offended at all. “I think she’s pretty hot”, said Los Angeles car salesman Andrew Spigelman. “But, then again, I think iguanas are pretty hot”.

Clinton was very upset when she heard that her cell phone pictures had been hacked. “Those ‘naughty nighty’ and ‘secret masturbation’ pictures were only supposed to be between me and Bill!” she said excitedly. “When I become President the first thing I’ll do is find the people who hacked me and shackle them for the rest of their lives!”

RNC Press Secretary Kristen Kukowski downplayed the nude photos. “We’re not talking about pictures of Kim Kardashian or Hope Solo here. Those are people we WANT to see naked”.

Glossy News refused to post any of the nude photos of the former First Lady because some people reading this may be having lunch.


Posted in Politics1 Comment

Mitch McConnell Totally “¿Amores?” Minority Voters

Mitch McConnell Totally “¿Amores?” Minority Voters

Another Mitch McConnell campaign video Fact-Checked, another one rated 100% True!, depending on how you feel about beige people.

We’ve already fact-checked his Mitch McConnell Supports Women and Mitch Supports your Big Business of Every size, and found them to be true, so this comes as no surprise.

As the senior senator from Kentucky, which is inexplicably still a state, Mitch McConnell gets the chance to vote on all sorts of things that touch your daily life.

He can choose to side with the common folk, or choose to side with the mega-corps who fund his campaign. Mitch is no fool, he makes the right choice!

Every single bill and amendment cited in the article is 100% true and accurate, and we’ve provided the links below for you to double-check our math.

Watch the video, then scroll down for the fact check

Mitch Votes Against Legal Emigrants

• Mitch voted against the S Amdt 3840 – Public Assistance to Legal Immigrants Amendment, as well as the;
S Amdt 3820 – Legal Immigrants Assistance Eligibility Amendment which would have enabled legal immigrants to get the same beneftis as natural born citizens.
• Mitch also voted against the S 2205 – DREAM Act.

Mitch Keeps Voting to Help You People Speak Freaking English

S Amdt 1151 – Declaring English the National Language
S Amdt 4064 – English As National Language Amendment
S Amdt 1384 – English as the Common Language
S Amdt 4073 – English as Unifying Language Amendment

Mitch Believes That, Now That You’re Here, We Should Make the Border Fence Medievally Formidable

S Amdt 3117 – Border Fence and Customs Appropriations
S Amdt 2480 – Border Fence and Customs Appropriations
S Amdt 4231 – Immigration Enforcement and Border Fence Amendment
HR 6061 – Secure Fence Act of 2006
S Amdt 1197 – Requires the Completion of the Fence Along the United States-Mexico Border
S Amdt 1399 – Requiring Completion of Reinforced Border Fencing
S Amdt 4659 – Double-Layered Fencing Amendment
S Amdt 4775 – Triple-Layered Fencing Amendment

Mitch Supports Your Right to Work, but Not Your Boss’s Right to be Punished for Knowingly Hiring Illegals

• He voted against S Amdt 2405 – REAL ID funding
• He voted against S Amdt 4177 – Employer Verification Amendment and S Amdt 3258 – Temporary Farm Workers Amendment and S Amdt 4259 – Immigration Enforcement and Employer Sanctions Amendment which would have put you on the hook for knowingly hiring illegals.
• He even voted for S Amdt 1316 – Five Year Expiration for Guest Worker Program which made it so that “temporary” foreign workers can stay here, in your employ, for more than five years. Surely you can’t find a democrat who would permit this.


If you’re anything less white than eggshell, snow or Chapstick, you should still vote for Mitch McConnell. Not because he cares about you, but because he doesn’t in the way all of our parents didn’t. My mom never loved me right, but I still love her. You should vote for him out of the same Stockholm Syndrome sort of victim-hood.


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Pelosi’s Socialist Speech Code, Anti-GOP Persecution

Pelosi’s Socialist Speech Code, Anti-GOP Persecution

In a move causing widespread ripples of non-surprise, Nancy Pelosi has not-so-secretly used her Senatorial Privileges to unilaterally ram through a Socialist Speech Code for Californian police.

Don’t worry; obviously, this use of the previously unheard-of Senatorial Decree option is perfectly constitutional…

Because the Reps have unfairly loaded the Supreme Court with partisan judges, thus rendering the latter illegitimate and undemocratic…

And worst of all, excessively right-leaning.

Pelosi is concerned that police have been using unkind language which misrecognises and hurts the feelings of the US citizens who in earlier and more barbaric ages, (e.g. Neoliberalithic Antiquity, a few decades B.O.E/Before Obamic Era), were called “criminals.”

Obviously, the latter is the first word mentioned in the document which is now forbidden to use. Instead, police must speak of “people associated with an illegal action.”

Admittedly, there was a considerable degree of debate over whether “illegal action” was not also unduly disparaging, as “illegal” is a highly emotive term.

Still, given the constraints on Senator Pelosi’s time, including the time she had to devote to balancing her various modes of participation in the Heterosexual, Catholic, Liberal-Corporatist, Italian-American, and Political Celebrity lifestyles, there was no time to think of a better term.

Still, Pelosi helpfully reassured us:

“I have to pass the bill first; wait for me to pass it, then we all can see what is in it.

“Well, it worked for the Affordable Health Care Act, didn’t it? Who’s calling it unaffordable by now?”

Some other choice cuts include:

“Bank robbery” implies that someone is violent and may cause harm to others. Refer instead to an “unanticipated cash withdrawal.”

“Breaking and entering” implies that someone has a somehow presumptuous and imposing character. Instead, say “unexpected domestic visit, church attendance or work shift, etc.”

“Domestic violence” is a judgmental and misandrist term; police must only speak of “illicit spousal chastisement.”

One solid god-fearing Republican™ “gently advised” Pelosi to call the latter a “somewhat excessive act of marital discipline” instead, but the writ of execution Pelosi served on him (or whatever I should call that document) said that the latter was a little too misogynistic in comparison to her pet term.

“White-collar fraud,” a divisive and racially insensitive term, is now to be called “financial transaction miscommunication.”

“Rioting” is now called “not-fully-pacific act of concrete political activism.”

“Murder” is “misplaced killing.”

“Attempted murder” implies that the person in question is somehow malicious and dangerous; so now we must speak of “unsuccessful effort to conduct a misplaced killing.”

Please note, as well, that “conduct” is a more value-neutral term than “commit.”

Vandalism is now to be called “surplus damage to the surrounding civic environment.”

Also, if someone is physically assaulted on the grounds of a presumed identity, this is no longer a “hate crime,” because as your parents or teachers used to tell you, “hate is a very strong word.” Now we have to speak of “dislike crimes.” This will be more convenient for Facebook users and Pelosi’s social media lobbyists.

Actually, no-one is convicted or acquitted of crimes anymore, either. Instead, there is a “successful attribution of illegal action” (for Republicans) or even an “unsuccessful attribution” (if you are sufficiently social).

Pelosi did, however, make a principled liberal stand against calls from some previously omnipresent and achingly conspicuous small-government Republicans (who have now inexplicably dropped off the radar, along with their entire families) for new terms to fit previously unrecognised crimes…

Such as “inadequate degree of marital submission,” “exuding an excessively homosexual attitude,” or “promoting, condoning, or even provisionally entertaining insufficiently-approved-of agendas.”

Finally, there is no more right to appeal; firstly, because calling it a “right” implies that the question of whether you are entitled to it or not might be considered insulting, as it raises a doubt as to whether the entitlement might conceivably be deemed potentially illegitimate in the first place.

And secondly, “appeal” is infantilising, sexist, and ageist, because it sounds like you are the tearful widow pleading with the indifferent judge in the Bible, instead of with a progressive and humane liberal establishment.

So, instead, if you get hauled up before the judge, you have to go with the original decision; with no “right of appeal.” This is fortunate, as Pelosi is now musing on the small matter of how to ensure that the judges will always make the correct decisions in the first place.

This is quite an important matter; given that the next progressive senatorial decree will contain a framework for ensuring absolute and unconditional accountability, public spirit, and conformity to the Greater Good, the Public Interest and Our Common Humanity (Yow! TM failage!)…

Especially among unsocial businesspersons, conservative religious leaders, right-leaning educators and journalists, and backward Republican politicians. Before long, hateful and divisive right-wing politics will be no more…

Nor, in all probability, will hateful and divisive right-wingers be permitted to exist.

President Obama, however, is horrified at Pelosi’s unilateral action. He is furious at these presumptuous and unwarranted measures.

“Shit! That’s totally arbitrary and uncalled for!

“I mean, why should she have been the one to do this? Like, why didn’t I think of all this a few years ago? I mean, if I’d done that, I could’ve secured my seat on the Throne of Allah… I mean, the Throne of God…

“The Christian God, I mean… sorry, teleprompter fail.. my seat in the Oval Office, for decades to come!

“I mean, so far, I’ve only managed to bring Change; like, if I’d been given 30 or 40 years more to accomplish what Pelosi has done in this short time (she’s disappeared even more inconvenient nuisances than Hillary has!)…

“Well, in a few short decades, I’m sure I could have finally nailed all this Hope crap too!”


Posted in Crime, Politics0 Comments

Santorum’s Untimely September Crusade Against Wal-Mart

Santorum’s Untimely September Crusade Against Wal-Mart

OK, I know the following article seems pretty anachronistic (in more ways than one, maybe).

Still, if politicians make “untimely interventions” in issues that are more safely consigned to a different part of the calendar, it’s not my fault.

Yes, it really isn’t my fault…

I mean, this is the objective media, and holding our hands up and taking responsibility is not really our bag.

That said, you might as well read what follows. Entertainment is the first and last of all virtues in the media, after all…

Well, that’s kinda the problem with our po-faced rivals and haters at Fox and MSNBC.

Anyways, Rick Santorum has recently attempted to revive his flagging political career, with a deeply untimely (at least in calendar terms) intervention in the “war on religion” debate:

“Ok, this might sound like old news, as it’s pretty much early autumn, and December 2013 is long behind us. But something from those few months back is really haunting me… this grudge is just too hard to bear…

“Yes, several months ago, Christmas 2013, Wal-mart actually stopped selling Christmas puddings! They had Yule Log, Christmas cake, French, German things, everything you can imagine, but no Christmas puddings.”

OK, so that sort of crap pisses me off too. Yet, Santorum is not even satisfied by a well-meaning, if somewhat confusing (in many ways!) statement from Wal-mart:

Although a lack of demand meant that last year we didn’t sell any Christmas puddings, our Christmas range continues to expand, with a variety of Christmas foods from around the world.

Still, in the name of the Christmas spirit (or as Ayn Rand said, in the name of the very best within us), we are always keen to hear recommendations about what to stock next…

Well, as long as you don’t piss us off by make annoying complaints in the media about it…

I mean, would you just shut up about this crap, right?…

I mean, we’re doing the very best we possibly can in an incredibly hostile and competitive market; when all those stupid, pissy little family shops and so-called “small businesses” are blowing humongous, bleeding chunks out of our rightful sales.

Still, we do hope that by the next festive season, everyone should be able to choose from a wide range of Christmas foods, including desserts and cakes, and be able to sit down and enjoy their favourite treats with their family.

Yes, whether monogamous, polygamous, polyamorous, casual hook-up, single-parent, many-parented, parents plus mistress (singular), parents plus mistresses (plurals), friends with benefits, blindfold S and M whip-or-be-whipped…

Or favourite colleagues, or favourite colleagues apart from that annoying guy from the office who keeps wanting to borrow cocaine money, or perhaps your least favourite colleagues apart from that appealing gay who keeps wanting to borrow your Lady Gaga T-shirt…

Flashmob-dining with people in your city, flash-flood dining with people in riverine States, feeding the five thousand in a scenic spot…

With or without grandparents, great-grandparents and annoying cousins; with or without the sinister begging of cats or iguanas, or the greedy howling of dogs and rabbits…

With your husband, wife, partner, gay, straight, human, non-human, alive, semi-alive, stone-cold solid, pretty damn buff, ugly as hell, kind-of-mmmkay, whenever, wherever, however, no-holds-barred…

Or even just all on your miserable but congenially tipsy lonesome, with a bottle of our special “All for Me, Haters Ain’t Gettin’ it” range of Mulled Wines and Mulled Extra-Proof Spirits…

Whoever or whatever you are, regardless of your purely arbitrary, socially constructed and culturally contingent family structure, we hope you will enjoy spending a month’s pay with us (or close enough)…

And, of course, sitting down for a pleasurable and enjoyable meal with whoever floats your boat.”

“See, they even admit it themselves, that they’re not selling it,” he scoffs.

(And see, even our puns are better than the average bear’s/average bare-assed liar’s favoured media outlets!)

Santorum continues:

“Like, it’s little compromises like this, like banning Xmas pudding (shit, sorry, keep saying that, I mean, CHRISTMAS pudding), that really build up, and before you know it, we are living in a pagan, post-Christian society…

“I mean, you just heard all the postmodern family structures there!

“Like, even I haven’t heard of half of them, and I’m kind of an informed expert of one sort or another on whatever’s wrong with sex, gender, and social structures in our country…

“Well, an expert, I mean within reason…

“And I mean, all this exotic sexing about in that statement, it’s hard to say which of these is worse… maybe the gay bit, at a push (or a shove?)… well actually no, it’s all a bit perverse…”

But Santorum’s views have found little support. Indeed, even Glenn Beck has poked fun at what some are calling an obvious publicity stunt:

“Hey, Santorum!” he smirks. “Never thought you were actually the type to stuff your face with Christmas pudding. You look more like a salad-and-vinaigrette type than a full-on pork barbecue kind of guy…

“So what, I mean, they’re not selling Christmas pudding? What harm does that do you, of all people? Loser.”

Still, we’ll give the last word to Ted Nugent (well, sometimes he actually doesn’t mind having the last word, anyways):

“These hooligans take away our guns, our constitutional rights and privileges and replace them with entitlements!

“So, ya know, we used to have rich, sweet, greasy, alcoholic, liver-smiting and tooth-murdering Christmas pudding. Stuffing our faces ‘til kingdom come.

“But now we’re having, say what? Gluten-free Victoria sponge with free-range dairy cream and organic cherries on top? This is a drip-drip phenomenon, man! I’m surprised we haven’t had a revolution by now.”

Well, at least Ted knows what our real political priorities should be (as always)…


Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Fact-Check: Mitch McConnell Really Supports Your Big Business; TRUE!

Fact-Check: Mitch McConnell Really Supports Your Big Business; TRUE!

Washington outsider and regular everyman Mitch McConnell, Republican senator from Kentucky, has an ad claiming he supports big business, but does he really? Fact-Check: YES!

It turns out, true to his claims, Mitch McConnell really does stand up for mega businesses and the interests of his billionaire donors.

If you’re a billionaire donor, or billionaire potential donor, all signs say this turtle-American senator is fully for sale. Continue Reading


Posted in Politics, Video News0 Comments

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