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Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

The Trump University Promise

At Trump University success is what it’s all about. Trump U is about a lot of things – but above all, how you can be successful by helping me become even more successful by enrolling in Trump University. You can enroll in our Business Entrepreneur Success curriculum for slightly more than the amount you’ve accumulated in your retirement nest egg. Enrollment is now open for Fall 2016. Check out some of my incredible courses. You’re going to love it. I guarantee it. – Donald J. Trump

Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

Argumentation and Debate 106: Fundamentals of Name-Calling
Learn how to infuriate people of different genders, ethnic origins, religious beliefs, sexual orientations, and socio-economic levels through use of sophisticated nick names like “Crooked Hillary”, “Lying Ted”, “Low-Energy Jeb”, “Little Marco” and many more. If you don’t sign up for this course you’re an idiot.

Introduction to Commercial Construction 115: The Methodology to Build a 50-Foot-High Wall
As one of the most successful commercial builders in the world, in this fascinating course, Donald Trump will personally reveal (once he’s elected president) how to build a massive 2,000 mile-long, 50-foot-high wall along our Mexican border – and get Mexico to pay for it. How is this wall possible? Here’s a hint: It’s invisible and only requires the Mexicans to all wear special collars.

Immigration Law 150: The Basics of Birtherism
Sure, they may look like Americans. But can you really be sure? This course examines how to create suspicion about someone’s American citizenship using unsubstantiated claims, innuendo, and hearsay. If your accusations are challenged, learn how to cite credible sources, such as: “I read somewhere” or “A lot of people are saying.”

Finance 208: The Essentials of Tax Evasion
Having to release your tax returns can be such a hassle – and embarrassing – especially when they reveal that you haven’t paid any income taxes for the past ten years. This course will show you how to create obtuse tax shelters and off-shore corporations, as well as evade questions about why you refuse to disclose your tax returns. Besides, it’s nobody’s business but your own (and your Bahama-based tax accountant) what you paid in taxes.

Marketing 212: Success through Social Media
This course blows up the classic marketing mix. No longer is it about the 4 P’s (Product, Packaging, Price and Promotion.) Now it’s all about social media. Learn from the Master how to build your brand following and belittle your competition 140 characters at a time.

Political Science 230: Negotiating with World Leaders
Learn the secrets Donald Trump personally admires in some of the world’s greatest dictators from Kim Jong-un to Vladimir Putin to Saddam Hussein. Learn how to negotiate with world leaders through a complex mix of bombast, mockery, and brash over-simplification of delicately nuanced issues, combined with self-assured claims about your own instinctive ability to make your opponents do whatever you want them to.

Business Law 260: How to Declare Bankruptcy While Making a Profit
Millions of Americans every year declare bankruptcy. For most people it’s a devastating feeling of humiliation and failure – unless your name is Donald Trump. Learn how you can build your own casino using other people’s money, file for bankruptcy, and leave all your investors holding the bag, while you pocket a cool $100 million.

English 309: How to Communicate with Low-Information White People
The problem with most interpersonal communication is that people get confused when others use big words and complicated phrases that require more than a third-grade education to understand. Learn how to talk down to a low-education, white male audience with easy-to-grasp words like “huge”, “win”, “tough”, “bad” and even multi-syllabic words like “loser”, “lightweight” and “tremendous.”

Financial Management 315: Advanced Principles of Philanthropy
The challenge most people grapple with when it comes to charitable donations is the outdated belief that you have to actually send the money to the charity you pledged to support. But Donald Trump has re-written the rule book on charitable giving. Learn how to generate massive positive publicity for your philanthropic pledges of millions without ever actually writing a single check.

Abnormal Psychology 315: How to Become a Rich Business Mogul Psychopath
You might think that anyone who is a narcissistic bully and certifiable psychopath could not hold onto a job at the local McDonald’s, let alone become one of the most powerful business moguls in the world. You’d be wrong. Learn how to reinvent yourself into a blowhard, bullying, thin-skinned asshole and get people to be at your beckon call.

Trump University - Trump interviewGender Studies 331: Famous Women in History
Using a unique algorithm created by Donald Trump himself, this course assesses the greatest women in history using Trump’s patented 1-to-10 Hotness Scale. Learn why Joan of Arc was a 9.5 but Eleanor Roosevelt was only a 2. Through an in-depth examination, you will explore hundreds of famous women’s greatest assets, starting with the curve of their asses to the secrets of having perky breasts.

Literature 361: The Greatest Books Ever Written

Why waste time reading countless self-help books on how to succeed and become a better you! This course takes you through a deep dive of the only two books you need to read: The Holy Bible (by God), and The Art of the Deal (by Donald Trump). The course kicks off with The Art of the Deal, and if time permits, we may spend a week looking at a few important passages from the Bible as well.

World Religions 405: How to Bring 1.6 Billion People Together
With over 7 billion people on this planet, how can you bring roughly one quarter of them together? Learn Donald Trump’s brilliant communications strategy that has helped unite 1.6 billion Muslims worldwide in less than 12 months.

International Studies 420: Advanced International Diplomacy

The old school of thinking was that international diplomacy required delicate interpersonal communication skills, mixed with patience and a willingness to compromise. That’s so 2015. Learn the new rules of diplomacy, starting with instantly over-reacting to any perceived slight by an adversary by threatening to humiliate, sue, crush or, if need be, blow them to smithereens.

Business Strategy 430: How to Grow a Multi-Million-Dollar Business Empire

Donald Trump’s net worth is not a matter of public record but just trust us, it’s a yuuuuge number. How did he do it? This course examines how you too can build a multi-million-dollar empire. Step 1: Start by inheriting $40 million from your dad.

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John Kerry/EU: You’re Gonna Make me Verbose When You Go

John Kerry/EU: You’re Gonna Make me Verbose When You Go

John Kerry has issued a (somewhat) heartfelt and (entirely) disinterested plea for Europe to stay in the EU.

But somehow, his customary shine, polish and wide-eyed eloquence of a typical well-beloved fairly center-leaning Secretary of State has temporarily deserted him. Continue Reading

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Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter

Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter

[Author’s Note: Glossy News’ Tim Jones was granted an exclusive interview with Donald Trump. He asked the Republican presidential nominee how he could still be running neck and neck with Hillary Clinton despite his repeated instances of inflammatory rhetoric and offensive remarks.]

Glossy News: Good afternoon, Mr. Trump. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: My pleasure. Let’s Make America Great Again. Would you like one of my baseball caps?

GN: I’m good. Thanks. Mr. Trump, the latest Quinnipiac poll shows you just two percentage points behind your Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton. How do you explain that you are running neck and neck –

Trump: I prefer to say ‘I’m breathing down her neck.’ Sexy, eh?

GN: Ahem, yes, well, how do you explain your continued success, given the endless list of offensive comments you have made about Mexicans, Muslims, women, gays, and other minority groups?

Trump: You left out people with disabilities.

GN: Oh right, yes, them as well. How is it that, despite all that, you’re still in a virtual dead heat for the presidential election?

Trump: Beats the Hell out of me. Wish I could explain it. Every day, I huddle with my advisors to strategize about how I can submarine my chances, but it seems no matter what I come up with, my poll numbers stay strong.

GN: I’m sorry. Did I hear you correctly? Are you saying you don’t actually want to be president?

Trump: Are you kidding me? What kind of idiot would want the worst job in the world? As president, no matter what you say or do, some knucklehead will attack you for being anti-American or a Muslim sympathizer or a loser – just like I do about Obama every chance I get.

GN: So you really don’t want to be president?

Trump: In my worst nightmares! Why else do you think I said John McCain wasn’t a real war hero? Why on earth would I say Mexicans are rapists or refuse to disavow a notorious racist like David Duke? I’ve done everything I can to lose this election. Nothing seems to work. I was sure my comment in the debates about the size of my penis would end my chances then and there, but nope. People loved it. Especially women. Go figure.

GN: So, help me understand, Mr. Trump. If you don’t want to be our next president, why on earth are you running?

Trump: It’s all about the brand. If you think the Trump brand was big before, that’s nothing compared to my brand now. Mine is the most famous name on the planet. I’m YUUUGE! The media can’t get enough of me. No matter what I say, I keep attracting more followers. Can I tell you about Trump University?

GN: Maybe another time. So it’s all about the Trump brand. Nothing else?

Trump: Bingo. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love this country. Where else could I make billions of dollars simply by running for President and posting tweets from my hotel room. Nobody is better at marketing than Donald J. Trump. But to your point, nobody wants Hillary to win more than I do. Trust me. Here, have a baseball cap.

GN: Thank you again, but really, I’m good. And speaking of your Make America Great Again caps, aren’t they made in China?

Trump: Yes. To be more specific, in child-labor sweat shops. You’d think people would get upset about that, but they just don’t seem to care. They tell me “Way to go, Donald, for helping all those poor kids find jobs.”

GN: So what else are you trying to ensure you lose the election?

Trump: I’m constantly brainstorming with my senior campaign staff to conceive even more offensive statements to tank my campaign.

GN: Mind sharing a few?

Trump: Sure. Last week, we came up with what I thought was a brlliant idea. I tweeted out, “Ronald Reagan was a closet homosexual.” I figured it would outrage lifelong Republicans.

GN: Wow! Did it help?

Trump - losing the election - Finger pointingTrump: Nope. My poll numbers went up four percentage points. One person tweeted, and I quote, “I find Mr. Trump’s comments about our greatest president deeply disturbing. And yet, I find his words oddly appealing and heartfelt.”

GN: That must keep you up at night.

Trump: Tell me about it. A few days later, I tweeted, “Teenage girls are super-hot. If elected, I’ll make it legal to have sex with girls under 18.”

GN: Ouch. Pretty offensive, that’s for sure. What happened?

Trump: On the bright side, my support among women dropped by two percent. But my support from white men over 30 surged by 12%. I can’t win. I mean, I can’t lose – no matter how hard I try.

GN: So are you concerned you might actually win?

Trump: I’m starting to be, yes. I’ve worked extremely hard to attain the worst approval ratings of any presidential candidate in history. I currently have an unheard of 70% unfavorable rating! And yet, yesterday, in a CNN interview with Wolf Blitzer, who is Jewish by the way, I said “I love the Jews. Love their matzah bread. But why are all of you such cheap tightwads?”

VFTB: Okay, I’ll bite. What happened?

Trump: My approval ratings among Jewish voters went up five points.

VFTB: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an uncle who is really tight with his money.”

GN: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an aunt who is really tight with her money. And would it hurt her to get a nose job? She sure has the money.”

GN: So what are you going to do about it?

Trump: Clearly I need to up my game. I’m working on a tweet for tomorrow about how we should allow any kid over the age of seven to carry an assault weapon to school for protection. That should send the gun control wing nuts over the edge. I also plan to announce next week that I’ve narrowed down my list of possible VP candidates to Pee Wee Herman and Charlie Sheen. If that doesn’t work, my Hail Mary fallback plan is to tweet that Jesus was the Antichrist.

GN: That’s highly offensive. Good luck with that. But I have to ask, Mr. Trump, given that no matter how outrageous your remark, it doesn’t seem to hurt your poll numbers, have you thought about what you’ll do if you actually win the election next November?

Trump: God forbid I’m elected, I would immediately move to impeach myself.

GN: On what grounds?

Trump: I was thinking of having three-way sex in the Oval Office with Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin and posting a live feed of it and breaking into an episode of Sesame Street.

GN: Good luck with that. Thank you for your time.

Trump: It was my pleasure. Make America Great Again. Wanna have a hat?

GN: Um, sure. Why not. Thank you.

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BREAKING NEWS: USA Votes to Leave North America

BREAKING NEWS: USA Votes to Leave North America

(Washington, D.C.) In the wake of Great Britain’s recent populist-led decision to leave the European Union, momentum gathered quickly for the United States to follow suit. In a flurry of referendum-lobbying activity, spurred on primarily by Donald Trump and his vocal supporters, citizens went to the polls yesterday, and in one of the closest margins in history – 50.1% to 49.9% – voted officially to exit the continent of North America.

The “AMEXIT” decision, as it is being called, has stunned global leaders, who, while fearful of other European nations following Britain’s lead, had no idea it might incite the United States to do the same. When asked to comment on the decision, President Obama, clearly agitated and confused, held a brief press conference in which he opined, “How did this happen? This will be disastrous for our country. Are we a nation of idiots?”

Upon learning that the United States had decided to withdraw from the continent, Donald Trump tweeted, “We are making America, I mean, the United States, great again. No longer under the thumb of the oppressive North American dictatorship.”

Political experts are unclear what the impact of the United States’ withdrawal will be, starting with what to call the country moving forward, since as one political observer pointed out, “Well, it’s obviously no longer the United States OF AMERICA, is it?” So far, none of the proposed new names have garnered much support, including: “The country formerly known as the United States of America,” and “The United States of It’s None of Your Business.” Others have suggested discarding the USA brand completely and simply calling the nation “Trumpistan.”

The Dow Jones plummeted more than 9,000 points in the opening 20 minutes of trading after the news. In more bad news for the economy, the U.S. dollar lost 35% of its value by the end of trading, causing a panic among investors. Many financial experts believe a deep economic depression on par with the 1929 crash is inevitable. On the positive side, Mr. Trump argued that this was actually great news for the country, saying, “Why is everybody freaking out? This will be incredible for tourism. People from Europe and even CHINA will visit our country and buy a lot more stuff and spend tons of money at Trump hotels and resorts, now that everything is so cheap for them.”

It’s unclear exactly what drove the sudden push to exit North America. When asked why they voted to secede, pro-AMEXITers gave a variety of vague responses often supported by confusing reasoning. Ned Moronovitch of Biloxi, Mississippi explained, “I want my country back. I’m sick and tired of having to do whatever North America tells us to do. I’ve had enough!” When it was pointed out that the continent of North America doesn’t actually have any control over the decisions of the United States, Moronovitch replied, “You sound like a communist. Are you a commie?”

AMEXIT - Trump rallyAnother AMEXIT supporter, Darlene Lemming, of Murfreesboro, Arkansas, passionately defended her vote, saying, “I refuse to sit here and just let any old Mexican, Guatemalan or Canadian walk across my border to take my job – without even having to show a passport.” When it was explained to her that they can’t actually do that, and that it’s not like the open borders of the European Union, Ms. Lemming replied, “Oh yeah? Well that’s not what my cousin Buford says. He says the Mexican murderers are taking over our country so we have to stop that.”

Still another AMEXIT supporter, Jeb Haitemahl, from Spartanburg, South Carolina, argued forcefully that this move was long overdue: “It’s about time. Let’s make the USA great again.” When pressed for details as to how this would make the USA great, Haitemahl simply said, “Well, I heard that Hillary was a North American, so now she can’t run for president – which is great by me! I sure hope we build that wall on our northern and western borders too!”

An interesting perspective on a reason to back the LEAVE vote came from Bert Nottaclew, of Nome, Alaska, who said, “I’m sick of having to be stuck up here in snowy, cold North America. I can’t wait for this great country to get outta Dodge and move some place warmer. Do you think they might move the country to the Caribbean? That would be fricken’ awesome!”

The domestic and global implications of the separation are as yet unclear. For example, experts are debating whether this vote might create the long-sought opportunity to finally kick out Texas. It is anticipated that the North American withdrawal process will create scores of logistical headaches as government agencies scramble to figure out exactly what this decision means.

Senior administration officials express concern that there are no provisions in federal statutes, case law or the Constitution itself to provide guidance as to how to leave a continent. In more hopeful news, Donald Trump has indicated that he knows exactly how to do it and has an amazing plan, promising that the resulting new nation will be a YUGE improvement. But so far details of his plan have not been released.

Shortly after the decision to exit North America, Google announced that the top two internet searches in the first 24 hours after the vote were “What is North America?” and “Am I an idiot?”

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Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (2/2)

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (2/2)

So, is Red Ken actually trans-Jewish after all? Let’s see what me old China has to say.

Eh! Tell yer what lad, that’s well nice!

Eh! Ah think Ah could actually be a trans-Jewish meself, cos, yer know, know what Ah mean, me ‘as ad a nice WELL GOOD bagel the other day in the Islington EcoVedanta Smoothie Cafe, it went down a fahcking treat, did that! Continue Reading

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Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (1/2)

Red Ken Is Actually Trans-Jewish (1/2)

Good ol’ Red Ken recently lost his shit here at Glossy News over media accusations of antisemitism.

He has also said ‘Technically lad, I might be a Jew meself, eh? Know what Ah mean, mate?!’ Continue Reading

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Referendum shock tactics

Referendum shock tactics

It started as a Conservative party election promise – if we voted them in, we could have our say on EU membership. Well, we did vote them in and now it’s finally going to happen. On Thursday 23rd May the UK will go to the polls for a monumental referendum on whether or not we should continue our membership of the EU. What the outcome of that vote will be is all but impossible to predict and punters are already placing their bets. However, one thing can be said for certain – in the run up to the referendum the shock tactics and a liberal idea of what constitutes the ‘truth’ have been rife on both sides. Let’s take a look at some of the words and actions both the leave and the remain camp have shocked us with over the course of their campaigning.

Tangled in red tape Continue Reading

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Neocon Puts the Boot into Journalist: Foot Now Halfway Up His Own Arse!

Neocon Puts the Boot into Journalist: Foot Now Halfway Up His Own Arse!

In a recent article, Justin Raimondo of Antiwar wrote about notable neocon intellectual and prominent thought-leadership advocate Max Boot’s comments on Trump: apparently, he would prefer to vote for Stalin than Donald Trump.

(So, at least he doesn’t believe in so-called ‘moral equivalence.’ He’s being a good neocon, then!) Continue Reading

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Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (3/3)

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (3/3)

And the utter soul-destroying horseshit goes on.

So, what else do we know about Moderate Daesh? Well, the Moderate Daeshis, just like their fellow MPIs (Moderate Political Islamists) the Muslim Brotherhood, always wear a condom…

Even when they are plunging the fear of God into the besuffered little children who are coming unto them, rather than into full grown men and big boys and their upright plastic Johnsons like you and me!!!

Moderate Daeshis, just like their fellow MPI counterparts in Tunisia, do not believe in torturing alcohol sellers to death. Continue Reading

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Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (2/3)

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (2/3)

The drip-drip-drip of resentful gushing (or at least, the salty current of ‘that’s a bit rich!’-nesses), crabbedly flowing forth from the highly creative and dynamic pen of Dick Cheney continues to swirl and course… Continue Reading

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Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (1/3)

Dick Cheney: We Have to Put Our Backs into Seducing Moderate Daesh (1/3)

A confidential document by former dickwaver-in-chief, uh, dick waver in chief, uh, vice leader, uh, Vice President (as if!) Cheney has recently been uncovered to the world.

Well, this one has pretty much rocked all of us here at Glossy News, going forward.

Rocked us to the very marrow… Continue Reading

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Genetic history mapped: Trump full of Neanderthal DNA

Genetic history mapped: Trump full of Neanderthal DNA

Recently, scientists at the Howard Hughes Medical Institute at Harvard Medical School have analyzed DNA from prehistory, to discover large population shifts ranging from 45,000-7,000 years ago. Scientist David Reich concluded that these changes in prehistoric human populations directly correlate to the last Ice Age, which enabled prehistoric human migration to much of the northern world. And remnants of that ancient world can still be observed today. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Science, Science & Technologizzy, Top Stories2 Comments

Donald Trump Generator Is as Infallible as Trump Himself!

Donald Trump Generator Is as Infallible as Trump Himself!

Recently, leading scientists have invented a Donald Trump Generator that is 100% indistinguishable from the ‘real’ thing! See the follow excerpt, to see just how real the merely robotic, mindless and mind-numbing repetitive ramblings of this kitschy, cheap-ass imitation of the Trump can be: Continue Reading

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Leaked TTIP Treaty: U.S. Must Win the Eurovision Song Contest

Leaked TTIP Treaty: U.S. Must Win the Eurovision Song Contest

AMSTERDAM – According to secret terms of the TTIP treaty, recently leaked by Greenpeace Netherlands, the U.S. must finally be allowed to enter the Eurovision Song Contest.

“Excluding the U.S. from the Eurovision Song Contest is a clear violation of free trade,” said U.S. trade negotiator Mickey Cant. “Europe could use a little bit more American know-how when it comes to pop music. We are tired of being unjustly excluded.”

Additional leaked documents show that the European negotiators were “horrified” at the prospect of American pop bands entering the beloved Song Contest, with one French negotiator protesting that “American pop is even lower than kitsch and unworthy of Eurovision.”

Continue Reading

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Radical Marxist Ideologue IDS Threatens to Smash the ‘Bourgeois Treasury’

Radical Marxist Ideologue IDS Threatens to Smash the ‘Bourgeois Treasury’

Radical moderate-political-Tory-ist and overgrown Trotskyite hooligan Iain Duncan Smith has finally rediscovered his radical roots. Frustrated with the petit-bourgeois false consciousness of the ideologically conditioned intellectuals (i.e. recent graduates!) in the civil service, he has threatened to smash, uh, ‘break up’ the Treasury. Continue Reading

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2020 Vision: UK Election Prediction

2020 Vision: UK Election Prediction

Time to look back at an old piece of mine, and think about whether it’s just all about ‘way back then.’

http://glossynews.com/top-stories/unamerican-world-news/201505110348/london-riots-who-are-the-real-orwellians/

In scenes mirroring the previous general election, raving hordes of self-righteous middle-class career decents have taken to the streets to protest the “Orwellian” hung parliament. Apparently the number of people who were eligible to vote, and who didn’t, is in the ten percents, at least! Continue Reading

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