A MESSAGE TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES

Official notification is hereby given by venue of this website to all citizens of the United States that the government of said land is dissolved and that the entity formerly known as the United States Of America has been acquired in a hostile takeover by the newly formed Corporation of North America. All questions of national allegiance and international relations will now be addressed to the Halliburton America section of of the new entity. Continue Reading

Rand Paul recently made an appearance on the Rachel Maddow show. Those of you not among her sixteen viewers may recognize her as the female MSNBC anchor who looks like Julie Andrew’s understudy in Victor Victoria. Speaking with Rand Paul, she opened the world to a side of Rand Paul that the world was not ready for. Rand Paul is racist. Continue Reading

In further evidence that the GOP is an enemy of the American people, gaffe-prone Biden was encouraged to continue speaking after a series of horrific and embarrassing introductory remarks Thursday at an NRAACPA meeting, leading to further verbal and financial market disasters. Continue Reading

IIMANNING, South Carolina (Glossy News) – It’s been over a month since virtual unknown Alvin Greene from South Carolina became the Democratic candidate to run against incumbent Republican, Jim DeMint for a United States Senate seat in November. As some background, he’s the 32-year old unemployed Army vet, black (although that’s really not the issue except that it is, after all, South Carolina) who mysteriously came up with the $10000 it takes to get your name on the ballot for senator, and ended up winning the Democratic primary in a landslide over someone who was a bit better known. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON, D.C (GlossyNews) — Americans are still too fat, but obesity rates in the United States appear to be slowing, according to newly released research.

Government data show that 68 percent of U.S. adults are considered overweight, having a body mass index of 25 or higher. A third are obese, having a body mass index of 30 or higher. Continue Reading

CRAWFISH, Texas (GlossyNews) — More than three months after the infamous deep-sea well in the Gulf of Mexico burst spewing millions of gallons of oil across the southern coast, George Bush is still nowhere to be found. He is presumably resting in his fortress of solitude in Crawford, Texas. Democrats have been quick on the offensive questioning his leadership ability particularly in times of crisis. One Democratic staffer quipped,  “It has been a full fiscal quarter and he still hasn’t finished reading My Oily Pet Goat.” Continue Reading

PULASKI, Tennessee (GlossyNews) — Insiders predict RNC Chairman Michael Steele will soon decide to ‘spend more time with my family’ in the wake of his recent faux pas. It appears Steele has violated the most revered tenet of the DC code; don’t make political news in July.

First expressed by President Henry Clay in 1846, the full text of his letter to Senator Byrd reads as follows: “Our Founders were wise, they thought deep. They placed the seat of Federal power in a humid, fetid, hellish swamp because that was a way to keep we blood filled ticks away from the jugular vein of the American people, at least two months out of the year. Any craven blackguard who would draw us back to our desks in July merits the opprobrium of all opportunists.” Continue Reading

It seems Sarah Palin is looking to expand her approval among likely voters by looking in an unlikely place; the not-too-distant future. If she can dominate the emerging evangelist demographic, it may be enough to just push the vote, and indeed the country, over the cliff. Continue Reading

RACINE, Wisconsin (GlossyNews) — On the way into the city of Racine, Wisconsin from the Milwaukee airport, President Obama was googling around on his Blackberry and he found a local pastry shop. From there, everything started to go wrong. Continue Reading

CHICAGOLAND, Illinois (GlossyNews) — In a recent public appearance by Michelle Obama a child had some shocking new for the first lady. I flashed back to “Kids Say the Darndest Things” when a young girl asked the First Lady “are you going to hurt people who try and blow things up.” The First Lady responded, “That is something we have to work on.” Continue Reading

Plans on Turning K Street into a Giant Dunk Tank

WASHINGTON, DC (GlossyNews) -– Today, President Barack Obama took one of his strongest stands to date against the corporate interests dogging his efforts to bring true change to America. Not only is he planning on issuing a mandate that sends all the corporate lobbyists with offices on K Street packing, but he intends to do something no other President before him has had the guts to do. Obama is going to make each and every one of them pay for the shameful way they’ve attempted to openly buy off not only the American people, but also the government of the United States of America. Continue Reading

NUEVO LAREDO, Texas (GlossyNews) — In a move termed a ‘head scratcher’ by DC insiders, TX Senator Denton R. Fender this week released a statement aimed at rapprochement towards Spain, and some people who have been dead for five centuries.

“The condemnation of these noble explorers is way overdue for a shakeup. Far too long we’ve let Liberals write history, and Liberals always demonize free market capitalism. Slanderous revisionism of the Conquistadors reflects poorly on the noble Spanish people, and I for one sincerely apologize. Cortez and Pizarro, they were entrepreneurs in the finest American tradition. ” Continue Reading

NASHVILLE, Tennessee (GlossyNews) — In 2008 Nickelback had higher favorability ratings than Bush. Obama was more liberal, loved, and idealistic than famed hippy douchebag John Lennon. Ted Kennedy, best remembered for choosing his political career over a woman’s life, was still alive. John “Pork Barrell” Murtha was still passing out political favors like a candy dealing pervert in an Astro Van. Continue Reading

RICHMOND, Virginia (GlossyNews) — In a statement today endorsed by Republicans in both the Senate and the House, the entire Republican party has taken issue with the breathing patterns of Democrats.

“We feel that once again the Democrats are flip-flopping on important issues including which way to breathe,” said Republican Party Chairman Michael Steele. Continue Reading

BALLSTON, Virginia (GlossyNews) — Mired amid controversy of alleged infidelity and sexual misconduct, former Vice President and prominent global warming activist, Al Gore, angrily dismissed these accusations today at a press corps luncheon. Continue Reading

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, New York, NY (GlossyNews) — A puck rang off the iron heads of the NHL’s finest this weekend as Gary Bettman announced Barack Obama recipient of the coveted Lady Byng award. The players, who had waited all season for this the crowning of the league’s choicest pussy, spat like Gatorade their red wines onto the seats before them. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — West Virginia Sen. Robert Carlyle Byrd, the longest-serving member of Congress and the self-educated son of a coal miner, died Monday at age 92.

Byrd was born Cornelius Calvin Sale Jr. on November 20, 1917, in North Carolina. His mother died when he was a year old. His aunt and uncle, Titus and Vlurma Byrd, legally adopted him. A nine-term Democrat, Byrd was known as a master of the chamber’s often-arcane rules and as the self-proclaimed “champion of the Constitution,” a jealous guardian of congressional power. Continue Reading

TURLOCK, Calif. (GlossyNews) — In yet another controversial appearance of Sarah Palin, this time at the California State University, Stanislaus campus, Sarah complained of how her message is being met with the same controversy over and over–that she is undeserving of the large sums of money she commands for her appearance fees. Continue Reading