CARLISLE, MASS — Celebrity Carpenter and Former Host of PBS’s long-running “New Yankee Workshop” series Norm Abram allegedly went on a mass sawing spree late last night, leaving 11 people with beautiful, finely-built sheds, sources report.

Experts claim that all of the sheds are currently in stable condition – if not downright sturdy condition – and, knowing Norm, will probably last a lifetime. Continue Reading

We’ve lived on this planet for thirty-five years now, and though we have easily adopted their mannerisms, assumed their practices, and assimilated their languages, we think it’s safe to say there are some things that we will never understand – as sure as Rumyliak has three suns and Gorpin was a grifter.

Lately, we have become increasingly fascinated (as much as a Rumyliakan can be fascinated, huhuhu) with what terrestrians call “Celebrities”. Continue Reading

President Barack Obama joked about a wide variety of subjects on Saturday at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner, but has outraged some with the distasteful quip he made about Quvenzhane Wallis, the Academy Award nominated nine-year old ‘Beasts of the Southern Wild’ actress.

Obama began his speech by entering to the rap track “All I Do Is Win” and went on to joke about not being “the strapping young Muslim Socialist” that he used to be.

He followed with “And Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a c*nt, right?” He then went on to a presentation of shots featuring himself with his wife’s bangs. Continue Reading

Today, surprising information came to light which reveals that Taylor Swift was recently treated for gonorrhea and chlamydia of her genitalia and throat.

Further details show that the chart-topping songstress has also received treatment for herpes, syphilis, human papilloma virus (HPV), trichomoniasis, scabies, and pubic lice (crabs). Continue reading

In what is no doubt the weirdest court case since John Goodman sued the makers of the film The Blob for title copyright infringement, music star Adele has won a dramatic and painstaking lawsuit against an America teenager.

Her case was won on the grounds of a joke at her expense on the internet.

The drama all started back in late February when, upon seeing Adele perform for the first time on the Academy Awards, Joey Trolman, 19, of New Jersey wrote this as a Facebook status: “Gee, no wonder Adele is ‘rolling in the deep’: her mattress imprint is big enough for a kiddie pool!” Continue Reading

NEW YORK, NY – Canadian pop-star and school kid Justin Bieber was tragically killed today when a truck driver accidentally ran over the star in downtown New York, reports bored Twitter user @JoshuaDJ22.

In a 120-character post, @JoshuaDJ22 announced that Bieber – singer of hits One Time, One Less Lonely Girl and Baby – was killed shortly after leaving the Island Records office complex this afternoon. Continue Reading

In case you’re just now emerging from a three-month coma or don’t have a television, you may have missed that Michelle Obama seems to be everywhere lately. Ever since she unveiled her brand new, trend-setting bangs in January, you almost can’t turn on the TV without seeing the First Lady.

In February, she was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon where she and Jimmy performed The Evolution of Mom Dancing, which became an overnight You Tube viral sensation. Days later she announced the winner of Best Picture at the Academy Awards. And I’m pretty sure I saw her substituting for Judge Judy last Thursday. Continue Reading

Sinead O’Connor has been vindicated. The news of Pope Benedict XVI stepping down as head of the Vatican left a world stunned, but according to reports, Sinead O’Connor didn’t miss a beat.

At a recent concert, she appeared on stage with an 8 x 10 glossy of the last Pope and before uttering a word, silently ripped the photo to shreds. This time the crowd roared in defense of her actions. No longer was the popular Irish singer a villain in the eyes of her fellow Catholics, Continue Reading

Seth Macfarlane, made famous by his comedic take on the American family through a show called The Family Guy, has gone from fame to infamy almost overnight.

As recent host of Hollywood’s paramount night, the Academy Awards, Macfarlane made enemies by persisting in a line of humor that many considered “offensive to all and funny to none.”

But what the angry world didn’t know was that, immediately following the after-party, Macfarlane did what he does every night: kill a puppy and rob an old woman. Continue Reading

Well, the Oscars have come and gone and left us all waiting breathlessly (with questions) till next year. Questions like: Who is going to fall? Who is going to kiss? Who is going to get snubbed? Will the snubs get kissed? Will they combine all of them into one awkward snub-kiss-fall-a-thon? Continue Reading

In a stunning turn of events, former Prime Minister of Italy Silvio Berlusconi has failed to pick up the hottest girl in Rome.

News sources reported late Monday that glitzy fashion star Martina Martinelli blew off the antsy Italian Stallion in favor one of his predecessors as premier, the 94-year old Giulio Andreotti.

According to Martinelli, her new flame is “So efficient and fast—he goes straight for the finish line. That proves he truly and deeply loves me. I never want to leave his arms, even though he falls asleep very quickly and sometimes requires an oxygen mask.” Continue Reading

According to a contact of ours that has a very, very close acquaintance that knows people who are “in the know”, those particular people always know what they’re talking about when they talk about things heard from actual friends of celebrities.

In other words, we have it on good authority that our source’s hearsay is authoritative. Our gossip is so good that we’ve been approached by OMG! and TMZ on a number of occasions to fill in the tiniest gaps on their usually solid stories. Continue Reading

Local police and federal authorities are on high alert after a Purcellville, VA man was caught sneaking an extra cookie from his parents’ cookie jar.

Dom Fall, 46, is believed to have made an approach on the cookie jar at around 11pm on Monday night, when his mother and father were fast asleep.

Fall proceeded to snatch at the largest chocolate chip cookie before he was spotted by local kitchen watcher Bob Priscilla, who screamed obsessively and scared the culprit out a nearby window. Continue Reading

MILWAUKEE – A Facebook profile has gained considerable attention for its user’s seemingly contrary description of her political and religious views.

Amy Milton’s page on the gigantic social networking site lists her political leanings as “Firmly in the Objectivist camp,” alongside a religious inclination of “Muslim.” Continue Reading

After months of struggle with public pressure in the United States and Great Britain, Piers Morgan has come out to confess that he is a wanker.

The admission came in a tearful interview with Oprah Winfrey, where the Limey Leprechaun discussed his deep thoughts on life as an international celebrity, including tips on how to overcome emotional distress. Continue Reading

Apparently it is now real time with Bill Maher…and his nose.

California’s gossip channels are reporting that the famed comedian is facing a small insurrection on the face following his nose’s decision to formally declare independence.

The now-infamous schnozzle has asked to be referred to only as Jeffrey in the media, and a successful court order argued on behalf of his nostrilness requires Maher to provide ample privacy by walking around with a nose blanket. Continue Reading