Archive | Celebrity Gossip

Ultrasound Shows Chelsea Clinton’s Unborn Child is a Conservative

Ultrasound Shows Chelsea Clinton’s Unborn Child is a Conservative

(Great Falls, VA.) – To the horror of the entire Clinton clan, ultrasound results have proven that Chelsea Clinton is pregnant with a conservative child.

The family was overjoyed at the initial news of the pregnancy but, upon learning of the test results, have gone into a time of mourning over its political affiliation.

Mrs. Clinton was shocked when their nurse informed them of the news. “I’m speechless and don’t know what I’m going to do! How could this happen to me? Why have I been cursed?” Continue Reading

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Alanis Morissette, Sarah Jessic Paker in Horse Alliance Leaked

Alanis Morissette, Sarah Jessic Paker in Horse Alliance Leaked

The biggest name in 90s femimusic has been linked with the biggest name in subsription-only television faux drama. Akabus Morissette and Sarah Jessica Parker have not only come out as lebians, but as equine-Canadiamericans at that.

In an announcement that shocked literally twos of soulless Hollywood star chasers, multi-platinum recording artst Alanis Morrissette has come out as a lesbian, a self-proclaimed “Canadian” and a conveneint lesbian. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music0 Comments

Yeezus Punishes Kanye West for Taking His Own Name in Vain

Yeezus Punishes Kanye West for Taking His Own Name in Vain

Yeezus, master of all universes, creator of light and darkness which thrives upon us has blamed and punished the innocent Kanye West for criticizing him in a public ceremony after calling him a “no good, dirty piece of shit” and “a disgrace to hip-hop music, if hip-hop was considered music.”

Yeezuits attending the ceremony had to escort Kanye out of the church building and into his vehicle, a 2014 Kim Sluté. Continue Reading

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Cantankerous Collaborator Steven Colbert to Take Over for Lame Liberal Lefty Letterman

Cantankerous Collaborator Steven Colbert to Take Over for Lame Liberal Lefty Letterman

The ultimate traitor, Steven Colbert, has sold his soul and gone over to the dark side of the Force.
In signing a deal with CBS, probably with a pinprick and a signature in blood, he has given up his proud conservative legacy for filthy lucre.

Once a true leader and outspoken critic on all things evil and liberal in our pure Aryan society (evil and liberal being the same thing), he has now turned into a horse of another color when offered a shot at fame and fortune. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television0 Comments

Who Leaked Jennette McCurdy Nude Selfies? The Answer May Surprise You

Who Leaked Jennette McCurdy Nude Selfies? The Answer May Surprise You

Jennette McCurdy, the 21-year-old star of Nickelodeon’s Sam and Cat and iCarly is making headlines not fit for her Nickelodeon audience. Nudey headlines.

Several more semi-nude selfies have been leaked to the media, and we do mean leaked. The glossy 8×10′s were literally dripping with salaciousness when they arrived in our P.O. Box.

In them, the waifish blonde poses seductively on her bed dressed only in what appears to be whipped cream, sweat, and an unknown substance that may or may not be Nickelodeon’s famous green slime, but in a cloudy, whitish color. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip4 Comments

Satirists To Decide Comedic Value of Breadsticks

Satirists To Decide Comedic Value of Breadsticks

WILLOW GROVE, PENN. Satirists are gathering at a conference titled “This Article Is An Inside Joke” in Willow Grove this weekend to decide if breadsticks are inherently funny or only so when mentioned in the same sentence as “Olive Garden”.

“Breadsticks by their nature are humorous, just mention the word breadsticks and people laugh,” said Conference Chairperson Freeman Bradley Stix. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Internets Tubes16 Comments

Miley Cyrus Quotes ‘Then’ and ‘Now’

Miley Cyrus Quotes ‘Then’ and ‘Now’

My, oh my, have times changed. Just a scant three years ago, Miley Cyrus quit the Disney Channel, and her role as Hannah Montana, to become America’s most-watched sex kitten. Talk about your quick-change artists.

We thought it would be fun to look back at some of Miley’s quotes, many made during her Hannah Montana years, and update them to give you a peep show of what the all-grown-up child star is up to these days.

MC Then: My mom is always telling me it takes a long time to get to the top, but a short time to get to the bottom. Continue Reading

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Racing Legend Speed Racer Dead at 63

Racing Legend Speed Racer Dead at 63

Former racing legend Speed Racer was found dead in his rented mobile home this afternoon by his ex-wife Trixie Racer. It would appear Speed had been dead at least a month.

No cause of death was given until an autopsy can be performed, but Racer was known to have had issues with drugs and alcohol for many years.

“I wish I had known Speed was so depressed, because I might have been able to save him,” said Trixie before quickly adding, “not that I would have!” Continue Reading

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Miley Proposes Soap as Weapon of Mass Destruction

Miley Proposes Soap as Weapon of Mass Destruction

Los Angeles, California – Since her celebrated beginnings in Nashville, Tennessee, as the daughter of country singer, Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley Cyrus has experienced a radiant career that has taken her from the Disney Channel to the big stage at MTV’s Video Music Awards to her current role as an outside consultant for the United States Army.

“I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she decides to run for President one day,” proclaimed Sergeant Dennis Hoppler, who has followed Miley’s career from the beginning when she portrayed a Girl Scout cookie seller in the film, Little Bitches, starring Mickey Rourke and Madonna. Continue Reading

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2014 “Oscar Oscars” Awarded to Oscar Oscars

2014 “Oscar Oscars” Awarded to Oscar Oscars

The Academy of Motion Picture Tarts and Minuses has announced it’s post Oscar Oscars for 2014.

And the Oscar Oscars go to…

Best Female Performance In A Reprise Role – Jennifer Lawrence for strategically tripping in front of hundreds of media cameras as she exited her Red Carpet limo.

Best Male Performance In An Audition Disguised As An Award Presentation – Vinnie Barberino casting for “Lego 2″.

Best Female Performance in an Audition Disguised as an Award Presentation – Kim Novak casting for “Catwoman – The Dim Twilight Years”.

Worst Execution of a Wardrobe Malfunction and Nipple Slip – Liza Minnelli because what has been seen cannot be unseen. For God’s sake woman, no one needed that. Not even Buster.

Best Acceptance Speech – Lupita Nyongo’o because America likes Oscar speeches from their Supporting Actress winners like they prefer their espresso…short, dark and sweet.

Best Ham Handed Product Placement – Ellen DeJeneres for snapping selfies with an Academy provided Samsung Galaxy then running backstage to Tweet on her IPhone 4.

Best Christian God Tribute – Matthew McConaughey for implying Jesus cares who wins Best Lead Actor 2014.

Best Joke That Will Get Terminally Indignant Panties In A Wad – Ellen after implying Liza Minnelli was a drag queen impersonator and saying “Good job sir”.

Worst Christian God Tribute – Matthew McConaughey for saying “If God is your friend then you are your best friend”. WTF does that mean. Seriously. Bring on the snakes, at least I can see them.

Most Syrupy Acceptance Speech – Jared Leto because larding shug shug on your family for 74 seconds is commendable, but who needs diabetes.

Best Performance Eliciting Strange Audience Reactions – Pharrell Williams for getting Meryl Streep to shake her tits like a dollar pole stripper.

Best Maneuvering Around PR Minefields – Cate Blanchett for limiting feint praise on alleged serial child molester Woody Allen.

Best Performance In A Canadian-Like Demonstration Of Inferiority – Cate Blanchett for reminding us Paul Hogan also came from Australia.

Best Spike Lee Commemorative “Respect The Neighborhood Whitey” Performance – Pink. Thought she would fuck up “Over the Rainbow” but she did okay. Kudos bitch. Liza Minnelli’s mom would be proud.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment11 Comments

Seth Rogan Testifies Before Congress About Seth Rogan

Seth Rogan Testifies Before Congress About Seth Rogan

In a six minute address before a Senate Hearing on Alzheimer’s research funding that has gone viral on the Internet, comedian and actor Seth Rogan was successful at focusing discussion on the lack of knowledge and attention paid to Seth Rogan.

Rogan, who holds fundraisers for the Alzheimer’s Association, which took in 240 million last year but curiously spent only 14 on research grants, skillfully maneuvered the discussion away from the lack of Alzheimer’s research funding by Government and the Alzheimer’s Association and onto why members of Congress have not seen his movie “Knocked Up”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Politics7 Comments

Jack and Diane Embroiled in Bitter Divorce

Jack and Diane Embroiled in Bitter Divorce

Back in 1982 a little ditty about Jack and Diane went viral making them household names and catapulting them into music immortality. Symbolizing small town kids living the American Dream of the late 20th century, the years have not been kind to the couple, who recently announced their plans to divorce.

Growing up in the Bible Belt and lacking even the most basic of sex education, the couple confessed to believing the rhythm method involved “just doing it real slow.”

Now 10 children, 14 grandchildren and one great grandchild later, they have decided to call it quits and separately do as they please. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music4 Comments

Writer Fired for Printing Mangelina Jolie Hung by Brad Pitt’s Hair

Writer Fired for Printing Mangelina Jolie Hung by Brad Pitt’s Hair

Los Angeles, California – Former feature writer, Larry McSwag, of the newspaper known as the Los Mangeles Times was fired Monday for writing then printing an article that misspelled the name of celebrated actress, Angelina Jolie, referring to her as “Mangelina Jolie.”

“Had it been anyone else, people wouldn’t give a damn,” said the paper’s editor, Ty Clemynuts, who was superimposing a head shot of Justin Bieber on the body of Miley Cyrus at the time. Continue Reading

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Kardashians Slam Kendall Jenner’s “Boob Walk”

Kardashians Slam Kendall Jenner’s “Boob Walk”

The Internet is all a twitter over Kendall Jenner’s romp down the catwalk at Thurdays New York Fashion Week dressed in a shear, boob flaunting Marc Jacobs original. It didn’t take long for the fur to fly.

In a tweet later that day half sister Khloe Kardashian posted “Boobs? What boobs? All I saw were a couple of chest pimples. Seriously, does she have a plastic surgeon?”.

Later Kourtney Kardashian followed up “Kendall is only half Kardashian. Obviously she got too many genes from ambiguously male daddy Bruce and not enough from the good side of the family.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television0 Comments

Bieber Fans Rejoice After Pizza Grease Reveals Deceased Singer’s Image

Bieber Fans Rejoice After Pizza Grease Reveals Deceased Singer’s Image

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – Justin Bieber fans everywhere celebrated the passing of arguably the greatest performer in American history this weekend when pizza grease on a napkin at BoBo’s Pizza Kitchen in South Philadelphia revealed a clear image of the late star.

“I actually had a heart attack when I looked down and saw the image in front of me,” said longtime pizza lover and Bieber fan, Martin Slomvieskewicz, as he was being released from the hospital after a two day stay on Monday.

“It was like he was speaking to me from beyond the grave and it was the best and worst moment of my life. Ouch!” Added Slomvieskewicz. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music2 Comments

Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls

Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls

Dogpatch, LA – Willie Robertson, CEO and patriarch in waiting for the Duck Dynasty Empire has announced a new line of silent dog whistle calls for non hunters to be rolled out in 2014.

The initial lineup will include four whistles named “Homo Going To Hell”, “Happy, Happy Darkie”, “Dumb Barefoot Bitch Better Pluck My Duck” and one general whistle for devout evangelicals “I’m Going To Heaven And You’re Not”.

Duck Dynasty “Dog Commanders” will be available nationwide on June 1st at Walmart for $89.95.

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