Posted on 16 April 2014.
Parents of teenagers that were severely Jewed alive in the school tour bus crash in Los Angeles are now relieved from the good news that was delivered to them this week.
The smarty-pant scientists confirmed this morning that the school bus indeed caught fire and it indeed “Jewed them up real good, crispy bacon to be exact.” Jack in the Box is now extracting meat from their remains. Continue Reading
Posted in Health, Society
Posted on 15 April 2014.
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – In response to the demand of residents living on Broad Street in Center City, Mayor Michael Nutter has filled a giant pothole, while simultaneously taking a step forward in a city-wide effort to legalize marijuana.
“Today, Philadelphia has filled a deep void with a banned substance that will soon be legalized and utilized by residents throughout the city for medical and recreational purposes,” said Mayor Nutter, while biting into a brownie with noticeable chunks of green, leafy material spewing from its edges. Continue Reading
Posted in Human Interest, Society
Posted on 13 April 2014.
A stereotypical middle class Caucasian father, owner of three adorable children is still being a huge douchebag by not arriving to his little girl’s ballet recital which begins at 4 pm.
When asked on who was going to arrive to pick her up, the angel of cuteness replied, “I-dunno.” Frank, a Texan citizen who is allergic to cuteness, passed away when the headline made way to his town. All friends and family mourn for his loss and blame douchebag dad. Continue Reading
Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone
Posted on 12 April 2014.
NASCAR officials declared today that due to the current increase in gasoline prices, several races later this season will be shortened to save costs.
According to the report issued, the money saving initiative will prevent a rise in ticket prices and allow the typical NASCAR fan to continue spending large amounts of cash they don’t have on NASCAR apparel they don’t need.
Crude oil has topped one hundred dollars a barrel this year and nationwide gas price averages sit above $3.60 a gallon. NASCAR stock cars get approximately two miles per gallon. Continue Reading
Posted in Society
Posted on 11 April 2014.
PITTSBURGH — The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation (PennDOT) recently announced plans to disguise an elite group of its workers as police officers and place them in construction zones along the Pennsylvania Turnpike in order to secretly finish some of the roadwork. Continue Reading
Posted in Society
Posted on 10 April 2014.
Daytona Beach, FL—On Thursday, Florida Man Randy Travers went on a spectacular 18-hour crime spree that included autocannibalism, first-degree arson, theft, voting fraud, and numerous other destructive acts. He is now in police custody, according to Sgt. Dale Reynolds of the Daytona Beach Police Department.
“At approximately 7:30 am Thursday morning, Florida Man took a cornucopia of substances including methamphetamine, cocaine, shark tranquilizers, ecstasy, speed, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and motor oil mixed with absinthe,” says Reynolds. Continue Reading
Posted in Crime
Posted on 09 April 2014.
A leaked document has been revealed to the press outlining Oscar Pistorius’ proposed defence arguments in his ongoing murder trial.
The legal brief describes the three main planks to his defence designed to undermine the prosecutors case.Firstly he is to claim that he ‘just really really really needed the toilet’ and to refer to expert testimony from his five doctors that being denied the ability to urinate can lead to temporary insanity otherwise referred to as ‘yellow streak psychosis’. Continue Reading
Posted in Crime, World News
Posted on 31 March 2014.
By Guest Writer Bill Edgecomb
What is this life but a single blink of the eye of an ever-expanding universe?
Why do we itch?
Is existence itching, the cause of which is the desire for ointment?
Are we to just wait for an itch to subside; like so many before us who have merely avoided risk to extend the length of their lives at the cost of truly living?
RIGHT: Image by Canon_Rebel_User via Flickr (CLICK TO ENLARGE)
These and many other questions come to mind when one embarks on the arduous journey of finding effective yet affordable itch relief. Continue Reading
Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Society
Posted on 30 March 2014.
HOLLYWOOD, CA—In May of 2010, Jerry Gilbertson of the L.A. Area suffered a severe balloon animal accident that ruptured a cerebral artery and put him in a coma. Nearly four years later, Jerry’s wife Deborah has become fed up and decided to go forward with an “unconscious uncoupling” from her husband.
“Jerry’s grown distant these past four years,” says Deborah, 44. “When I visit him in the hospital, he doesn’t look at me or acknowledge me in any way—it’s like I’m not even there. Plus, the sex is only so-so.” Continue Reading
Posted in Strange People
Posted on 27 March 2014.
In a voluntary effort to be more accountable to the public, Carnival Cruise Lines has released data about 576,727 alleged crimes reported on board their ships during the previous year.
Included in the release were 18967 incidents of public drunkenness, 42379 cases of severe obesity, 12581 noisy oxygen bottles, 87503 reports of pinhead buffet line slowing and 415297 of wearing white after labor day. Continue Reading
Posted in Crime, Travel
Posted on 26 March 2014.
After waiting more than ten days to jump into the search for Flight 370, France declared it has found the ill fated airliner off the coast of Italy.
“We were delayed due to union repairs on our sole high imaging satellite which experienced a malfunction several years ago.
“Luckily, when it became operational, it was positioned directly over the spot where the plane went down and we found it within minutes,” said French Foreign Minister Pepe Lepew.
The lone satellite image released by France shows MH370 lying on its side in shallow water just yards off the west coast of Italy near Isola del Giglio.
“We were surprised, it was larger than expected.” added Lepew.
photo credit: StefoF via photopin cc
Posted in Travel, World News
Posted on 24 March 2014.
Dateline: CHARLOTTE, NC—Along with its more famous line of wristbands, emblazoned with the words, “What would Jesus do?” Dollars for Jesus, a Christian merchandise company began selling a mysterious alternative, a wristband asking its wearer, “What would an Iron Age yokel do?”
Christians who are evidently hard-pressed to know how to stay true to their religion in modern societies flocked to purchase multiple copies of the new bracelet, figuring that this must be an even more incisive way of testing a Christian’s authenticity.
Posted in Religionism
Posted on 23 March 2014.
LAKEWOOD, OH—Jeffery Miller, a car mechanic based in the Cleveland area, is reportedly happy with the length, girth, and performance of his penis.
“Yeah, it’s pretty good, I guess,” says Miller, 36. “I’ve never had any problems with it, and my wife seems to like it all right.”
According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average American penis stands 5.6 inches when erect. Miller claims his penis is “around 6 inches,” though other data suggests his trouser schnauzer is closer to 5.2 inches. Continue Reading
Posted in Health, Human Interest
Posted on 22 March 2014.
GN Corporate Headquarters—After waiting long enough for someone, anyone, to address the issue that was clearly a major, current topic, Glossy News has finally caved in and decided to break their deafening silence regarding Malaysia Flight 370.
“I just know we were all thinking about it, but for what seemed like an eternity, not a single article about the missing jetliner had been suggested or appeared on our site. The wait for someone to address this was agonizing,” said an anonymous employee. Continue Reading
Posted in Travel, World News
Posted on 21 March 2014.
So, you made your way into college…Great, good job! Now all that’s left for you to do, is to acknowledge you have no place there and all your future holds for you is a prime career in flipping burgers.
Nah, I’m joking, you’re probably the spoiled brat of a millionaire anyway and you don’t have to lift a finger for the rest of your life. The only reason you’re in college is because it’s good PR for your father’s business empire. Continue Reading
Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Society
Posted on 19 March 2014.
Dateline: LOS ANGELES—Dozens of churches in the United States are collectively suing the producers of Cosmos, the reboot of the television show previously hosted by Carl Sagan, for “stealing the Christian shtick.”
The filed complaint was obtained by the press and it alleges that the first episode of the show portrays Giordano Bruno as a Christ-like figure, while the second episode sanctifies the DNA molecule.
Posted in Religionism, Science, Television