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Perry/Santorum: Top Papal Award, Christian Fakers Annihilated

Perry/Santorum: Top Papal Award, Christian Fakers Annihilated

Oh-so-conspicuously unashamed Christian, Rick Perry, is not actually painfully, embarrassingly, and conspicuously unashamed today; just plain-ol’-vanilla-grindin’ embarrassed.

Pope Francis has accidentally made Perry a Papal Knight, instead of the similarly-monikered Rick Santorum.

But far from being flattered, Perry is distinctly underwhelmed by this high accolade…

Just Google-pedia his (kind of) acceptance speech at the Vatican; the 13 dozen (-trillion-ish?) megahit Youtube postings, and thousands and thousands of thoroughly unamusing and utterly disrespectful and malicious web-parodies™…

(According to the most recent count, conducted a mere 69… sorry, 20 minutes after his speech).

You know, I’m still not ashamed to say I’m a Christian™, even if I’m not that kind of Christian; but I’m just not really into all that Catholic stuff.

I mean, you don’t have to have a legion of rich friends in the megachurch industry or an army of devoted enemies of the so-called Churches-and-Statists-Separation to know there’s something wrong in this country when…™

Well, when I can get respect from the Pope but not from the Democrats… not even from YOUR fellow-Catholic buddy, the practically omnipresent/omnipotent/omni-shut-the-hell-up Saint Pelosi!…

And, of course, when a certain breed of opportunistic, center-straddling, fence-sitting Republicans opposes some of my ideas.

Don’t worry, I’ve already promised a thousand times ten thousand to end the war on True Christians™! Sorry, I mean a thousand times per hour… well, much more than a thousand, if the Youtube bandwidth were better…

Oh, socialist internet regulation sucks! Just sucks, dammit!#

We all know and respect how I try my very damnablest… sorry, damnedest, to save True, Authentic, Honest-to-God Christians™ from socialist, liberal, secular, and in particular, Darwinian-homosexual persecution and seduction…

But my job’s always getting just that bit harder when these pretty-damn-border-line or even flat-out-wrong churches (not pointing any fingers in this cathedral) try and join in the fun and call themselves Christians too.

It’s just plain unbearable! JFK, anyone?

Well, what next? Mitt Romney, is he going to try and be a True Christian as well? I mean, are the Church of Jesus and God’s Latter-Day Mormonian Witnesses™ going to give me an award too?

And how about Romney’s highly conspicuous and thoroughly renown-a-spectable co-believer, co-worshipper, and co-Heaven-bound-space-traveller Tom Cruise?

Well? Where will it all end, huh? Christian gays?™ Gimme a break!


Actually… no, on second thoughts, I’ll just decide I’m actually subtly trying to gauge your authenticity; you got any Christian gays here? Well? No? Not really, ya say? Yeah, whatever!”

I also asked part-time radical sexologist and amateur pretty-damn-non-postmodern gender theory expert Rick Santorum for his views.

(Actually, doesn’t that more-or-less mean “pre-modern gender theory expert?” One of you amateur semanticists from the comments pages might know; or if not, I’m sure you can at least offer us some absolute, unqualified certainty about this pressing issue).

Santorum is scarcely more generous than Perry; more like curiously frustrated:

“I’ve always wanted to be a Papal Knight; that’s the reason I joined politics in the first place…

“My only desire has been serving others in a purely disinterested and selfless manner. And of course, I’ve always dreamed of grabbing; sorry, acquiring, some especially honorable and distinguished Vatican accolade along the way.

“The Church I’ve loved and served all my life has just passed me over. So, I might as well just admit I’ve been living a lie all these years! You know what I mean?”

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism0 Comments

Tax Evasion As Public Policy: The AMT/Gordian Story

Tax Evasion As Public Policy: The AMT/Gordian Story

Skyrocketing health care costs are a major public policy issue. The Affordable Care Act has limited mechanisms to reign in these costs, but, really, we, the providers of health care products and services, must lead on this issue. We must innovate new, creative, and effective ways to eliminate excessive and unnecessary financial burdens.

When it comes to cutting costs, we at AMT/Gordian, consider ourselves trailblazers. Since our inception, we’ve focused on eliminating one major financial drain. Which one? Federal Income Tax. How did we cut it? We never paid any. Is that even legal? Shhhhh, don’t speak. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Crime0 Comments

Ray Rice Condemns Couple for Wasting Produce

Ray Rice Condemns Couple for Wasting Produce

Baltimore, Maryland – “That’s not the foundation for a healthy relationship,” suspended NFL running back, Ray Rice, shouted to the media from his front doorstep, Friday morning, moments after seeing video footage of a couple in his own neighborhood discarding spoiled fruits and vegetables.

“Man, that couple needs a FoodSaver vacuum, stat!” Rice added, while shaking his hand loose after knocking out his 102-year-old blind neighbor because she told him that he was not as fast as he used to be. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society, Sports, Sports Scandals0 Comments

A Psalm for the Tea Party

A Psalm for the Tea Party

1) The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want–to talk to liberals.

2) He maketh me lie down in untaxed green pastures: he leadeth me to the clear waters of pro-Gun states where I can shoot deer or thieves as God intended; no libs shall take my guns away.

3) He restoreth our souls to their Constitutional originals; he leadeth us down the righteous right-wing path where no left-leaning wingnuts lie in wait. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

The Funniest Fortune Cookie Messages

The Funniest Fortune Cookie Messages

Has anyone else noticed that there’s a day for everything? Women’s day (although we really should even it up and have Men’s Day), Book Day, Non-Smoking Day, Dress Like A Pirate Day etc.

Well, the list is growing – September 13 2014 was the first official international Fortune Cookie Day. For all those poor oppressed fortune cookies.

On the plus side, Fortune Cookie Day has prompted lists of hilarious fortune cookie messages from around the world – and Gala & Smosh were not to be outdone. Here is a list of some of the funniest fortune cookie messages from their lists: Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Society0 Comments

Vatican Wafer Gate

Vatican Wafer Gate

Wikileaks has done it again. The release of 3.4 billion database searchable electronic records is reverberating around the Internet with many new stunning revelations.

The latest to be revealed is a series of directives between the US and the Vatican. In what appears to be a quid pro quo, it appears that a deal was struck whereby the Justice Department would “be soft” in prosecuting abusive priests and let the church deal with them in return for letting a GMO ingredient into their communion wafer.

This was only for North American Catholic churches and began during the millennium crisis. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Religionism2 Comments

Pelosi’s Socialist Speech Code, Anti-GOP Persecution

Pelosi’s Socialist Speech Code, Anti-GOP Persecution

In a move causing widespread ripples of non-surprise, Nancy Pelosi has not-so-secretly used her Senatorial Privileges to unilaterally ram through a Socialist Speech Code for Californian police.

Don’t worry; obviously, this use of the previously unheard-of Senatorial Decree option is perfectly constitutional…

Because the Reps have unfairly loaded the Supreme Court with partisan judges, thus rendering the latter illegitimate and undemocratic…

And worst of all, excessively right-leaning.

Pelosi is concerned that police have been using unkind language which misrecognises and hurts the feelings of the US citizens who in earlier and more barbaric ages, (e.g. Neoliberalithic Antiquity, a few decades B.O.E/Before Obamic Era), were called “criminals.”

Obviously, the latter is the first word mentioned in the document which is now forbidden to use. Instead, police must speak of “people associated with an illegal action.”

Admittedly, there was a considerable degree of debate over whether “illegal action” was not also unduly disparaging, as “illegal” is a highly emotive term.

Still, given the constraints on Senator Pelosi’s time, including the time she had to devote to balancing her various modes of participation in the Heterosexual, Catholic, Liberal-Corporatist, Italian-American, and Political Celebrity lifestyles, there was no time to think of a better term.

Still, Pelosi helpfully reassured us:

“I have to pass the bill first; wait for me to pass it, then we all can see what is in it.

“Well, it worked for the Affordable Health Care Act, didn’t it? Who’s calling it unaffordable by now?”

Some other choice cuts include:

“Bank robbery” implies that someone is violent and may cause harm to others. Refer instead to an “unanticipated cash withdrawal.”

“Breaking and entering” implies that someone has a somehow presumptuous and imposing character. Instead, say “unexpected domestic visit, church attendance or work shift, etc.”

“Domestic violence” is a judgmental and misandrist term; police must only speak of “illicit spousal chastisement.”

One solid god-fearing Republican™ “gently advised” Pelosi to call the latter a “somewhat excessive act of marital discipline” instead, but the writ of execution Pelosi served on him (or whatever I should call that document) said that the latter was a little too misogynistic in comparison to her pet term.

“White-collar fraud,” a divisive and racially insensitive term, is now to be called “financial transaction miscommunication.”

“Rioting” is now called “not-fully-pacific act of concrete political activism.”

“Murder” is “misplaced killing.”

“Attempted murder” implies that the person in question is somehow malicious and dangerous; so now we must speak of “unsuccessful effort to conduct a misplaced killing.”

Please note, as well, that “conduct” is a more value-neutral term than “commit.”

Vandalism is now to be called “surplus damage to the surrounding civic environment.”

Also, if someone is physically assaulted on the grounds of a presumed identity, this is no longer a “hate crime,” because as your parents or teachers used to tell you, “hate is a very strong word.” Now we have to speak of “dislike crimes.” This will be more convenient for Facebook users and Pelosi’s social media lobbyists.

Actually, no-one is convicted or acquitted of crimes anymore, either. Instead, there is a “successful attribution of illegal action” (for Republicans) or even an “unsuccessful attribution” (if you are sufficiently social).

Pelosi did, however, make a principled liberal stand against calls from some previously omnipresent and achingly conspicuous small-government Republicans (who have now inexplicably dropped off the radar, along with their entire families) for new terms to fit previously unrecognised crimes…

Such as “inadequate degree of marital submission,” “exuding an excessively homosexual attitude,” or “promoting, condoning, or even provisionally entertaining insufficiently-approved-of agendas.”

Finally, there is no more right to appeal; firstly, because calling it a “right” implies that the question of whether you are entitled to it or not might be considered insulting, as it raises a doubt as to whether the entitlement might conceivably be deemed potentially illegitimate in the first place.

And secondly, “appeal” is infantilising, sexist, and ageist, because it sounds like you are the tearful widow pleading with the indifferent judge in the Bible, instead of with a progressive and humane liberal establishment.

So, instead, if you get hauled up before the judge, you have to go with the original decision; with no “right of appeal.” This is fortunate, as Pelosi is now musing on the small matter of how to ensure that the judges will always make the correct decisions in the first place.

This is quite an important matter; given that the next progressive senatorial decree will contain a framework for ensuring absolute and unconditional accountability, public spirit, and conformity to the Greater Good, the Public Interest and Our Common Humanity (Yow! TM failage!)…

Especially among unsocial businesspersons, conservative religious leaders, right-leaning educators and journalists, and backward Republican politicians. Before long, hateful and divisive right-wing politics will be no more…

Nor, in all probability, will hateful and divisive right-wingers be permitted to exist.

President Obama, however, is horrified at Pelosi’s unilateral action. He is furious at these presumptuous and unwarranted measures.

“Shit! That’s totally arbitrary and uncalled for!

“I mean, why should she have been the one to do this? Like, why didn’t I think of all this a few years ago? I mean, if I’d done that, I could’ve secured my seat on the Throne of Allah… I mean, the Throne of God…

“The Christian God, I mean… sorry, teleprompter fail.. my seat in the Oval Office, for decades to come!

“I mean, so far, I’ve only managed to bring Change; like, if I’d been given 30 or 40 years more to accomplish what Pelosi has done in this short time (she’s disappeared even more inconvenient nuisances than Hillary has!)…

“Well, in a few short decades, I’m sure I could have finally nailed all this Hope crap too!”

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Posted in Crime, Politics0 Comments

Yes I Can! President Obama Decides to Become Kindergarten Chanter

Yes I Can! President Obama Decides to Become Kindergarten Chanter

When President Obama’s presidency finishes, he won’t be out of a job. Well, he might be out of a job before his Presidency finishes, if the Republicans succeed in impeaching him.

Still, the President says that whenever he leaves the Oval Office, he’s going to use skills he has already required on-the-job, in order to further advance his career.

So, look at what he has to say about this:

I’m great at putting on a show™. I’m charming, witty, GSOH, I can engage the attention of an audience™…

And best of all, I have some great jingles to sing along with the kids!

Hell yeah! You know, there was this one time I was in this school in Arkansas with these really young kids, and I asked them:

Repeat after me! Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!™x10 000.

You guessed it! They absolutely loved it!

You know, those English people, they teach their kids tedious, wordy and unbearably worthy songs like “Old McDonald had a farm,” and the kids just sit there, bored to tears…

But you know, the problem is, these songs are just too complex for the kids to really appreciate them.

That’s right, you guessed it again! My way is different,™ for sure!

I mean, you can’t make things complex, you can’t have the kids just sitting there, thinking “Hmmm, what does this mean?” or “Not too sure about this.”

Uh-uh! No: just stand up, smile, give them two or three words to repeat, do it 40 or 50 or maybe 500 or so times, whatever, they just love it!

For real! I mean, they just get carried away, caught in the mood, and they take it away with them.

Yup! It’s all about the heart, not the head; keep it simple!

Well yeah, I mean, I’ve had plenty of practice doing this at Democratic Conferences; this is the ultimate transferable skill on my resume.

I mean, all I had to do in order to ensure a highly successful Presidential campaign that would trick every body into electing me… sorry, delude… telemprompter fail… sorry, to ensure a campaign that would CONVINCE everybody to elect me…

All I needed was to have them chant over and over again, “Yes we can! Yes we can!” The kids just lapped it up!

I mean, they just loved it… uh, kids?…

Sorry, teleprompter fail, I meant lobbyists… uh, I mean, my rightful voters…

And guess what? I didn’t even require on-the-job training!

Yeah, I mean, I had this skill way before I became Commander-in-Chief.

Um, not Commander-in-Chief; Droner-in-ch… sorry, I mean when I became our… ah, damn that teleprompter!”

However, Hillary Clinton is unimpressed (and not for the first time):

“Well, Barack Obama may be a catchy speechmaker… yeah, who’d deny it!

“But if that’s all he’s got, I just can’t see him succeeding as a kindergarten teacher!”

But wait, isn’t that kinda like what you said last time, Hillary? Well, you know, look how well President Obama did in the end!

Well… apart from the odd teleprompter gaffe, of course…

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Posted in Education, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Service Group Logs More Photos than Hours Worked

Service Group Logs More Photos than Hours Worked

TUSCALOOSA,AL- This summer, 9 University of Alabama students traveled to New York City for a one week trip focused on community service.

During their week, each student logged 25 hours of service and the group collectively returned with 1,257 photos of themselves standing in and around different service sites.

While in NYC the students averaged 3.5 hours of service in soup kitchens and the Food Bank each day. In their free time, they experienced all the city had to offer like shopping, seeing Broadway shows, and avoiding giving a dollar to a man they fed that morning to ensure they had enough to buy another “I ♥ NY” tee. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

Santorum’s Untimely September Crusade Against Wal-Mart

Santorum’s Untimely September Crusade Against Wal-Mart

OK, I know the following article seems pretty anachronistic (in more ways than one, maybe).

Still, if politicians make “untimely interventions” in issues that are more safely consigned to a different part of the calendar, it’s not my fault.

Yes, it really isn’t my fault…

I mean, this is the objective media, and holding our hands up and taking responsibility is not really our bag.

That said, you might as well read what follows. Entertainment is the first and last of all virtues in the media, after all…

Well, that’s kinda the problem with our po-faced rivals and haters at Fox and MSNBC.

Anyways, Rick Santorum has recently attempted to revive his flagging political career, with a deeply untimely (at least in calendar terms) intervention in the “war on religion” debate:

“Ok, this might sound like old news, as it’s pretty much early autumn, and December 2013 is long behind us. But something from those few months back is really haunting me… this grudge is just too hard to bear…

“Yes, several months ago, Christmas 2013, Wal-mart actually stopped selling Christmas puddings! They had Yule Log, Christmas cake, French, German things, everything you can imagine, but no Christmas puddings.”

OK, so that sort of crap pisses me off too. Yet, Santorum is not even satisfied by a well-meaning, if somewhat confusing (in many ways!) statement from Wal-mart:

Although a lack of demand meant that last year we didn’t sell any Christmas puddings, our Christmas range continues to expand, with a variety of Christmas foods from around the world.

Still, in the name of the Christmas spirit (or as Ayn Rand said, in the name of the very best within us), we are always keen to hear recommendations about what to stock next…

Well, as long as you don’t piss us off by make annoying complaints in the media about it…

I mean, would you just shut up about this crap, right?…

I mean, we’re doing the very best we possibly can in an incredibly hostile and competitive market; when all those stupid, pissy little family shops and so-called “small businesses” are blowing humongous, bleeding chunks out of our rightful sales.

Still, we do hope that by the next festive season, everyone should be able to choose from a wide range of Christmas foods, including desserts and cakes, and be able to sit down and enjoy their favourite treats with their family.

Yes, whether monogamous, polygamous, polyamorous, casual hook-up, single-parent, many-parented, parents plus mistress (singular), parents plus mistresses (plurals), friends with benefits, blindfold S and M whip-or-be-whipped…

Or favourite colleagues, or favourite colleagues apart from that annoying guy from the office who keeps wanting to borrow cocaine money, or perhaps your least favourite colleagues apart from that appealing gay who keeps wanting to borrow your Lady Gaga T-shirt…

Flashmob-dining with people in your city, flash-flood dining with people in riverine States, feeding the five thousand in a scenic spot…

With or without grandparents, great-grandparents and annoying cousins; with or without the sinister begging of cats or iguanas, or the greedy howling of dogs and rabbits…

With your husband, wife, partner, gay, straight, human, non-human, alive, semi-alive, stone-cold solid, pretty damn buff, ugly as hell, kind-of-mmmkay, whenever, wherever, however, no-holds-barred…

Or even just all on your miserable but congenially tipsy lonesome, with a bottle of our special “All for Me, Haters Ain’t Gettin’ it” range of Mulled Wines and Mulled Extra-Proof Spirits…

Whoever or whatever you are, regardless of your purely arbitrary, socially constructed and culturally contingent family structure, we hope you will enjoy spending a month’s pay with us (or close enough)…

And, of course, sitting down for a pleasurable and enjoyable meal with whoever floats your boat.”

“See, they even admit it themselves, that they’re not selling it,” he scoffs.

(And see, even our puns are better than the average bear’s/average bare-assed liar’s favoured media outlets!)

Santorum continues:

“Like, it’s little compromises like this, like banning Xmas pudding (shit, sorry, keep saying that, I mean, CHRISTMAS pudding), that really build up, and before you know it, we are living in a pagan, post-Christian society…

“I mean, you just heard all the postmodern family structures there!

“Like, even I haven’t heard of half of them, and I’m kind of an informed expert of one sort or another on whatever’s wrong with sex, gender, and social structures in our country…

“Well, an expert, I mean within reason…

“And I mean, all this exotic sexing about in that statement, it’s hard to say which of these is worse… maybe the gay bit, at a push (or a shove?)… well actually no, it’s all a bit perverse…”

But Santorum’s views have found little support. Indeed, even Glenn Beck has poked fun at what some are calling an obvious publicity stunt:

“Hey, Santorum!” he smirks. “Never thought you were actually the type to stuff your face with Christmas pudding. You look more like a salad-and-vinaigrette type than a full-on pork barbecue kind of guy…

“So what, I mean, they’re not selling Christmas pudding? What harm does that do you, of all people? Loser.”

Still, we’ll give the last word to Ted Nugent (well, sometimes he actually doesn’t mind having the last word, anyways):

“These hooligans take away our guns, our constitutional rights and privileges and replace them with entitlements!

“So, ya know, we used to have rich, sweet, greasy, alcoholic, liver-smiting and tooth-murdering Christmas pudding. Stuffing our faces ‘til kingdom come.

“But now we’re having, say what? Gluten-free Victoria sponge with free-range dairy cream and organic cherries on top? This is a drip-drip phenomenon, man! I’m surprised we haven’t had a revolution by now.”

Well, at least Ted knows what our real political priorities should be (as always)…

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Richest 1% Buys U.S. Military to Protect them from Other 99% of Society

Richest 1% Buys U.S. Military to Protect them from Other 99% of Society

In a surprising development, the upper 1% of the richest Americans have purchased the entire U.S. military to protect them from the other 99% that they lord over.

All troops except those actively engaging an enemy somewhere in the world have been called back to bases in the U.S.

“This is a change of monumental proportions!” stated US Today.

“This could bring about an international catastrophe!” cried CNN. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society0 Comments

Gingrich Pleads for More Pragmatism, Less Dogmatism on Stalin/Gulags Issue

Gingrich Pleads for More Pragmatism, Less Dogmatism on Stalin/Gulags Issue

Newt Gingrich, the GOP Ideas Man™ is dissatisfied with polarised views on Stalin’s allegedly atrocious human rights abuses, and he fears that a failure to compromise is holding back progress for the USA.

And actually, he’s taken care (once more) to inform us of where we are all going wrong:

Ok, you know, so here we are…

Yes, one side says that Stalin was an appalling and brutal monster, one of the most wicked and most callous people in history….

Despicable and depraved through and through, yes.

I mean, utterly lacking in any positive human qualities that anyone could conceivably attribute to any political leader, or even any person of basically decent character…

Yeah, some kind of Democrat-on-crack, a hobnailed big government mass-murderer!

But the other side says that he was a hero, some kind of virtuous, pristine and thoroughly admirable demi-god, who is absolutely and entirely beyond any criticism whatsoever…

Yes, the International Proletariat made flesh, and having his tabernacle among us. The Almighty and Beneficent God of the workers, except with a Wally Walrus mustache instead of a Prophet’s beard.

So you see? We’ve got two very dogmatic positions, no hint of a compromise, it’s idealism over pragmatism.

But you know what? I’m an ideas man, I like taking a practical perspective, so that we don’t get bogged down in futile accusations and counter-accusations, and the politics of disagreement.

Yes… I mean, if we both stick dogmatically to these entrenched positions, it’s pretty difficult to see how we can move on and form a consensus.

For sure. So let’s be practical here; what about we say, OK granted, Stalin did some pretty unpleasant things, but on the other hand, he had a few achievements too, yeah? Right?

I mean, why don’t we just seek the middle ground, and quit just slinging mud at each other, purely because of our own rigid preconceptions and prejudices?

(Goddayum! TM broke!)

But not everyone is impressed with Gingrich’s “open-minded” approach:

“You know what?” says Professor Noam Chomsky, the Visiting Professor in (Kinda) Non-Marxist Dialectics and also Non-Hierarchical Vice-Turnip-Puller of the Massachussetts Socialist Commune Cadre Educative Studyhouse:

“This is old news. This is what Principled Left-wing Intellectuals™ (ah, TM fix!) have been saying for years.”

Prominent political analyst and commentator Ted Nugent is also unimpressed:

“If Newt “RINO” Gingrich wants to be a despicable apologist for those evil, ungodly Soviets, well why doesn’t he just go and live in the Soviet Union? Hell, I’ll buy him a plane ticket myself™!”

Well, nice to see Ted has been keeping up with the news in recent decades.

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Posted in Human Interest, Society3 Comments

Kerry Orders Airstrikes on Charlie

Kerry Orders Airstrikes on Charlie

Everybody (more or less) seems to love Charlie, the moody animated horse from Sugarcandy Mountain; yet, it seems he hasn’t got a friend in John Kerry, as you’ll read.

Really? Can that really be possible? Well, Kerry has been spitting fire and brimstone over this despicable criminal and Enemy of the Free World™: Continue Reading

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Posted in Crooked Cops, Kidz Zone, Strange People0 Comments

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

One or two people might have been offended by the information included in my recent scoop on the Dalai Lama’s views on war crimes. Unfortunately, no apology or clarification from His Exalted Phatness has been forthcoming…

Instead, I have a second blunder to report (with all the wide-eyed sincerity a cynical satirical hack can muster).
Well, what is it this time?

Hmm… everybody’s favourite non-judgmental, peaceful and achingly groovy religious leader has given a word from the wise to all those bigoted, ignorant, lawless and unenlightened folks who look down on heroin dealers. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime, Religionism3 Comments

God to Withhold Prayer Requests From Cor Jesu High School Administrators Since Firing of Gay Teachers

God to Withhold Prayer Requests From Cor Jesu High School Administrators Since Firing of Gay Teachers

ST. LOUIS – Explaining that he had, “literally no idea what they were thinking,” deity of the Catholic Church and contributing author Yahweh said in a press release he would no longer be accepting prayer requests from officials at Cor Jesu Academy in reaction to their firing of two homosexual teachers.

“I’m sorry, I really am, but I just can not, in good conscious, continue to cure the sick, pick winning lottery numbers, and alter the outcome of sporting events if the request comes from members of such an institution. These sanctions are both warranted and necessary.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Society0 Comments

Pat Robertson “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions

Pat Robertson “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions

After a lull of a few years, Pat Robertson has put his theometerology hat back on again.

Yes… Pastor Pat has yet another new theory to contribute for why the USA has experienced extreme weather conditions in recent years.

How so? Well, it turns out that God is just not a Belieber.

“Well… I don’t want to say for sure whether the Lord is punishing the USA because of this fine young man’s singing.

“I mean, I’m not gonna tell you to whom you shall listen and to whom you shall not. That is your choice, but I will just say this…

“Yes, if there is a nation in this world where certain young men wander from venue to venue and make these shrill demonic sounds, and no-one is there to say, “Hey, the People of God are not standing for this…

“Well, I’m not gonna be dogmatic… and say that the Lord is sending extreme weather conditions for this cause. But nevertheless, oftentimes the thought has indeed occurred to some good solid Christian folks… well, I will leave it to you to decide what you think.” (Sorry, my ™ button just broke).

But these comments have enraged several theological experts of a more liberal religious bent.

“No, no, no!” says Nancy Pelosi. “That’s not the God I worship! How cruel! I mean, hating on Bieber! No way!”

Oprah Winfrey concurs: “I mean, I’m with you Pelosi, I’m pretty vague on what God I worship, but it sure isn’t that one!”

Pelosi and Oprah’s views are by no means unrepresentative among those of a more clerical background:

“Shame on this man!” thunders mild-mannered Episcopalian John Shelby Spong, spitting fire and brimstone:

“I mean, for shame! This is why so many people think God is a murderous tyrant. A world without catchy pop-tunes, that would be Hell on Earth! Not being opportunistic here; but you see what I mean about Heaven and Hell being on this earth and not some far-off beyond?”

And even Bill O’Reilly, a Traditional Catholic™, is absolutely livid at the Pastor’s words:

“You know what! I have absolutely no idea why Pastor Robertson said that. Right? It’s unbelievable! It’s incredible! Just incredible…

“I mean, if God wanted to punish us for that kid, and make the punishment fit the crime, he would just have flattened this whole continent with a snap of his fingers!”

However, Pope Francis has rebuked Pelosi (again) for bringing the Church’s name into disrepute:

“Of course I agree that Justin Bieber’s music is an abomination,” says His Holiness, with the utmost gravity. “Why would God not think so too?”

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Posted in Music, Religionism0 Comments

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