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Obama Pardons Black Turkey: Bojangles will live to loot another day

Obama Pardons Black Turkey: Bojangles will live to loot another day

Obama’s first Post Ferguson pardon occurred Thursday, and just like everything else the President does, the act has got him up to his neck in controversy.

As is tradition at the White House since 1947, the President pardoned a turkey, sparing the bird from the electric knife and the Thanksgiving dinner table.

Pardoning the turkey itself is not controversial, but the kind of turkey he pardoned has ruffled some people’s feathers. President Obama pardoned a black turkey. Continue Reading

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Enda Kenny Voted World’s Most Charismatic Current Fine Gael Taoiseach

Enda Kenny Voted World’s Most Charismatic Current Fine Gael Taoiseach

A recent RTE poll, unsurprisingly, has determined that Enda Kenny, despite malicious rumors from irrational and extremist Fianna Fail hooligans™, really is (as none of us really doubted), the World’s Most Charismatic Current Fine Gael Taoiseach.

Admittedly, it was a close-run thing, as Kenny only grabbed 50.0001 of the vote; his thunder nearly being stole by Rodraig Spartacus O’Leprosy. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Politics0 Comments

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (2)

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (2)

-Peter, great loyalty demands great sacrifice

As you found out last time, the entire Glossy News team has been arrested on fake charges for prostitution…

Although a certain informer called Mr TM (who shall remain anonymous, in order to have evade having the crap beaten out of him by his erstwhile peers, as some have framed it); yes, His Most Exalted Shit-Stirriness has traded security for liberty by making a sneaky plea bargain, in order to dump the other guys in it.

… Oh come on, don’t be so judgmental…. Well, someone has to keep this shit running, right?
I mean, it’s a purely disinterested and benevolent decision for the good of Our Greater Good™, the National Interest™ and Our Common Humanity™, (as Dick Cheney and John Kerry would say)…

In order to keep the website running. I mean, it’s not like I did it MERELY because I wanted to avoid getting passed round the shower by achingly rowdy and conspicuously benevolent chain-gang-running new-boy-protectors, right? Capisc’?

Sicilian gangster meme

But as I’m in the mood for spilling all, I’m going to tell you who ratted on us with their horrendous allegations which were not ENTIRELY TRUTHFUL and NOT WITHOUT A HINT OF EXAGGERATION; to say the least.

That’s right. I may not be gazing anxiously over my shoulder in a rather drippy and sweaty crowded “theatre” of thugs in Reno; but I’m gonna shout “Fire” anyway. I’m telling you the names of the haters who framed us, so any of you who care about it (I presume that means every single one of you, WITHOUT EXCEPTION), will know what to do. Put a brick through their windowpanes, piss on their patio, whatever. Once I tell you, it’s out of my hands.

-It’s not a vendetta if you don’t get caught

Here’s a clue: the leader of the East-North-East-Central-wherever-the-F***-Boston-Soccer-Mom’s-Liberation-Front was thoroughly unrepentant of the vindictive, vicious and thoroughly unprovoked actions of her and her comrades (male and female alike; no third genders, because this is actually a quite exclusive and bigoted organisation, as you will see).

“OH, GOD, would you just THINK of the children! The last thing in HELL godly white teenagers need is to be reading about PROSTITUTION, of all things, on the internet! I mean, there’s practically NOTHING worse they could be doing with their time… I LITERALLY just can’t imagine anything worse for them to be doing!

“Well, nothing worse at all, unless they’re… shall we say… a certain “class” or “breed” as it were, of kids; and then they are beyond help. But we wanna focus on the ones who can be saved already, and who can play the violin and the Swiss Pipes and recite Vladimir Tolstoy and Immanuel G.F. Nietzsche…

“You know, not the funny-haired,guitar-strumming little jerks living in the gutter, surrounded by filthy pimps and despicable crack addicts and dirty bl… um, I mean, dirty… blue… yeah, dirty blue substances you can inject in your ass or nostrils or pinkie-poos or whatever.

“So, they’re resentful that we maliciously fabricated fictive charges to have them arrested them for making shit up? Well, that’s the cost of lying and saying shit about people that just ain’t true! No reasonable and cultivated person with hundreds of cheapo “glaringly obvious” classical music compilations of the type designed more to impress neighbors than to actually get an authentic grip on the genre would EVER do that!

CONDESCENDING WONKA MEME ON PRETENTIOUS MUSIC FANS

“Anyway, the 1st Amendment does not constitute a right to be heard, so I’m pretty damn down with hanging the crap out of these bastards for inappropriate abuses of their communicative faculties; freedom only exists for those people who exercise it appropriately! Agency means nothing without education, guidance, and civility! You know, to hell with all this freedom of speech crap! I hope the next President shreds all this Constitution bullshit! I don’t care which party he/she/it comes from, they could be door-to-door Jehovah’s Witnesses, Ebola-ridden Chicano freeloaders… hell, they could even be black, at a push, if that’s what it takes to sort this crap out! But just THINK OF OUR KIDS!”

Junior then piped up:

“Mommy, did you just swear?”

“You little jerk! Just shut the FUCK up and stop questioning my authority! For THAT, you uncivil little bastard, when you go home, you have an extra 5 hours of piano practice as punishment! And no more raw-food veggie burgers! Tonight, it’s mainstream mass-market vegan tofu for you!”

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY! Fun tiiiiimes! Mummy is nice; pweeeeese may Junior have some extra clarinet and period-trombone time too? What about that Mahler piece? AAAAAAND, Daddy promised to teach Junior differential equations too!”

Junior Senior then oh-so-genially chipped in:

“Why, you just SHUT the HELL up, you little moron! Mathematics is only good for buying you some success! Why… there’s just NO PUNISHING little jerks like you! I’m confiscating your acoustic sitar and your ivory marimba set until you learn some god-damn respect, you pathetic little weasel!”

-Roadpath to Truthiness

Still, there is one bit of good news. Dennis Rodman is a regular reader of our website; so we’ll soon see what can be done to single-handedly save the objective media from a fate worse than a Pelosi-Bush ticket (well, close enough)….

Then again, unfortunately, our readership also includes the Pro-Big-Government Big-Government Dems, as well as the Anti-Big-Government Big-Government Reps; so we’ll have to see.

I mean, negotiating with North Korea is one thing… but Team IntCom World Police Ambassador Rodman might have his work cut out with our conspicuously political haters and oppressors; they who just this once, might want to make some easy political “capital” on their only non-mainstream-media haters (make of that what you will).

Oh and by the way…

PSSST. You didn’t hear none of this shit from me. I would never turn on my fellow journalistic truth-tellers…

Well, not for something as petty as the threat of having to make friends with Jumbo behind the four crusty walls of a San Quentin maximum-security prison, anyways!…

Still, maybe all this truth-telling and scrupulous honesty is taking its toll. I need a career move. Inspired by Junior, I think a promising new career as a master sackbutist, cajonist, or Singing Ringing Tree-ist beckons. I guess I will be sorely missed by all you innumerable and conspicuously benevolent political celebrities, air-guitar humanitarians, and Kooky Klan Konfusionists.

Well, I guess those mainstream amateurs at the Onion will have to do their best to plug the gap…

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Posted in Entertainment, Strange People1 Comment

Widespread Ebola Pandemic Fears A “Huge Confidence Booster” For Previously Modest Ebolavirus

Widespread Ebola Pandemic Fears A “Huge Confidence Booster” For Previously Modest Ebolavirus

SENEGAL – Explaining that it was, “as surprised as the next viral particle,” about the panic surrounding a potential global Ebola outbreak, EBOV, the virus responsible for Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever, held a press conference this week detailing its seemingly pleasant surprise at the worldwide discussion regarding its supposed pandemic-worthy virulence factors.

“Don’t get me wrong, I have always known my mortality rate was above average,” explained the negative-sense, single-stranded RNA virion. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Science1 Comment

LGBTQQ Community Finally Exhausts Alphabet

LGBTQQ Community Finally Exhausts Alphabet

It’s finally happened. The non-traditional sexuality and gender communities have exhausted the alphabet in their attempts to include everyone under one umbrella acronym.

Starting in the 1990s, those of different sexual persuasions started describing themselves as part of the LGBT or lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender community.

That designation worked for a while until some smaller marginalized minorities voiced their concerns. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People6 Comments

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (1)

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (1)

The End of The Truth?

Glossynews, as you all no doubt agree (merely because WE say so; reason enough, right?!), is the single most… sorry, the SINGLE AND SOLE respected media outlet in the world.

Well, in a world filled with MSNBC Socialist/Liberal-Corporatist agitprop and the South-Park- Libertarianism/Beltway-Market-Hipsterism of Fox News, it’s clear that there’s only one game in town.

Only one place can be trusted to mingle “the truth” (whatever the Hell that means) with an immaculately noble Socratic “lie” (or as we prefer to call it, telling “the people” what “they” want to hear). Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Strange People7 Comments

“Yucky World” w/Dick and Janey: Pagan wants to secularize public schools!

“Yucky World” w/Dick and Janey: Pagan wants to secularize public schools!

Announcer: A high school in Colorado recently banned religious speech during an “Open Time” period also known as Seminar.

Previously, Jackson High School of Mill Creek, Washington, with the support of the federal courts, banned the playing of an instrumental version of Franz Biebl’s “Ave Maria” at its graduation ceremony.

Dick and Janey, “Yucky World” talk show hosts, will be discussing this issue with Wanda Pagan, spokesperson for Secularize All Public Schools (SAPS).

Janey: What’s the problem, Ms. Pagan?

Pagan: You can’t do religion in the public schools.

Janey: But an instrumental version…

Pagan: …is religion getting its foot in the school house door.

Dick: Would a toe have a better chance?

Pagan: A toe? It really doesn’t matter. That wall separating church and state has to be toe-proof, too.

Dick: Isn’t that a food?

Janey: That’s tofu, Dick. What are your organization’s long range goals, Ms. Pagan?

Pagan: SAPS not only wants to keep religion out of the schools, we want God out as well!

Dick: What if God has a visitor’s pass?

Janey: Uh…what are some other changes you’d like to see?

Pagan: First of all, high school bands would not be allowed to march in Thanksgiving Day parades.

Dick: Wait until Santa hears about this!

Pagan: It’s not about Santa. Students shouldn’t be marching in a parade whose main purpose is to thank God.

Janey: Would schools still be able to close for Good Friday?

Pagan: Yes, but they’d have to rename it. What gives one religious group the right to say their Friday is better than someone else’s? Furthermore, Easter Vacation would have to be renamed Spring Vacation.

Dick: Then if the Easter Bunny changed his first name to Spring, he would still be okay for school?

Pagan: Well…yes, I guess so.

Dick: I don’t think he’s going to like that. He’s already been picked on a lot because his last name is Bunny.

Janey: Ah…right, Dick. If references to God are out, what should students do when they’re saying “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance?

Pagan: Our lawyers recommend coughing.

Dick: Hey, what about milk money? Coins have “In God We Trust” on them!

Pagan: We’re advising school cafeterias to only accept checks.

Janey: And the singing of “God Bless America”?

Pagan: Should be banned!

Dick: So you think nothing blessed America and that we’re all alone!

Pagan: In your case, you ought to be alone in a padded cell.

Janey: Sounds like you’re coming down with a cold.

Pagan: Ah…ah…choo!

Janey: God bless you!

Dick: If the SAPS have their way, better not get caught saying that in a public school!

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

42 Reasons Why Scientology is LITERALLY The Absolute Truth (2)

42 Reasons Why Scientology is LITERALLY The Absolute Truth (2)

Yesterday, we ran Part One of this story. Today we conclude with the aptly named “Part Two”.

These articles as to why Scientology is right and true could as easily span a hundred articles or whole book of copyright protected guidance and instruction, or just a pamphlet.

We chose the middle ground. Well, the lower-middle ground. It’s the internet, after all, and we want people to be able to digest this all before answering what are their crimes. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism0 Comments

42 Reasons Why Scientology is LITERALLY The Absolute Truth (1)

42 Reasons Why Scientology is LITERALLY The Absolute Truth (1)

You’ve probably noticed: haters always criticize Scientology. Well, I’m going to educate all you curious and ripe-for-the-picking folks out there on why the doubters are wrong as Hell.

Admittedly, some conspicuously pretentious sophists will say that the reasons given here apply to other religions more than Scientology, but they are lying. And wicked. And should JUST SHUT THE HELL UP… Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism0 Comments

How Is An American Treated When He Tries To Get a Job in Mexico?

How Is An American Treated When He Tries To Get a Job in Mexico?

Much ado is made of the treatment of Latin Americans coming across our borders looking for illegal work.

But what happens when an American goes to Mexico to get a job. Roses are not exactly strewn across his path either.

When I was much younger I had had a bad experience volunteering for the forest service (don’t ever do it!) in Wyoming and, angered and upset that I had wasted a whole summer of no pay for thankless U.S. Government Rangers, I headed down to Mexico to escape for a while from the so-called ‘American Dream’. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Politics0 Comments

EXCLUSIVE: Hidden Cameras Capture Truth Inside Twinkies [VIDEO]

EXCLUSIVE: Hidden Cameras Capture Truth Inside Twinkies [VIDEO]

Sure, they may taste like banana rainbows and unicorn “stuff” when they’re finished, but what goes into a pastry as yellow and creamy as a Twinkie may make you yellow and squeamish.

We sent an undercover investigator in the depthy bowels of America’s agricultish nightmare for almost 18-months to uncover the truth.

To see what goes in to get what comes out, and discover why it tastes so disgustingly delicious. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Video News1 Comment

SCANDAL!- Many Republicans Found To Be Hooked On Koch!

SCANDAL!- Many Republicans Found To Be Hooked On Koch!

A shocking report has reached news desks throughout the country that many Republicans, especially those in great positions of responsibility, are hooked on Koch.

Koch, which first made it appearance in the 40’s, has become more virulent in recent years. It is highly addictive and those who become hooked on it quickly develop selfish, anti-social behavior.

Unlike heroin, meth or crack the user does not develop the degenerative physical attributes that readily mark the abuser as a junkie. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics1 Comment

It Turns Out That Everything Is Obama’s Fault

It Turns Out That Everything Is Obama’s Fault

It seems as if Barack Obama is getting blamed for everything. The Republicans are blaming him for every foreign hotspot including Iraq, Ukraine and Israel.

Every domestic problem also seems to be the President’s doing, so much so that the Republicans led by Speaker of the House John Boehner even launched a lawsuit against him.

At first, I thought all this was overkill. After all, how can one man be responsible for so many things going wrong? But then it occurred to me: the Republicans are on to something good here. It’s kind of like the dog-ate-my-homework all-purpose excuse – Obama did it. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Politics5 Comments

Poor Banned From Using Money

Poor Banned From Using Money

Today the upper classes of America succeeded in getting a bill passed banning poor people from using money. Having invested heavily in Senators and Legislators for decades they now saw it was time to remove the economy entirely from the lower masses and keep it firmly in their own clenching hands.

This essentially made everyone in the U.S. except the upper 2% a slave. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society0 Comments

Innocent Hillary Unjustly Victimised Re: “Dead New Yorker” Comments

Innocent Hillary Unjustly Victimised Re: “Dead New Yorker” Comments

Future disgraced US President Hillary Clinton…

Sorry, I mean, disgraced future US President Hillary Clinton…

Well, to keep it simple, the somewhat more talented and principled member of the Hill and Bill double act (gotcha!) has recently turned up uninvited to a funeral in New York.

Well, not exactly “uninvited,” as such. Actually, some PR wonk from among the People That Count™ told me that Clinton merely made an “unplanned appearance.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Syrian Rebels Beg Bono for Benefit to Save Them

Syrian Rebels Beg Bono for Benefit to Save Them

The last remnants of the allegedly “modern” and “progressive” faction of the Conspicuously Downtrodden Freedom Fighters in Syria™ have come up with a novel plan to prevent their allies in al-Qaeda from spending more time killing them than fighting President Assad.

“We asked Jabhat-al-Nusra and ISIS to come in and help us, but they turned on us and are slaughtering us like pigs,” wailed one self-styled secular militant:

“I mean, we need to find someone else who can do the job properly. We’ve invited Bono to come and save us, he’s good at that kind of thing. This is our last chance, but we believe if there is anyone at all on this earth who can help us win this war and preserve Our Common Humanity™, it’s Bono.” Continue Reading

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