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God Finds Message from All Humanity in Cucumber, Fanatics Outraged

God Finds Message from All Humanity in Cucumber, Fanatics Outraged

It’s often asserted that messages from God can appear in mysterious places…

You know, the Madonna popping up in cheese sandwiches, Lady Gaga helping us see the light, Bible/Quran/Dianetics texts being found in the veins of tomatoes…

Although admittedly, the more fastidious believers tend to have violently assertive theological disagreements™ about which God is sending out the messages..

And, needless to say, about which messages (on the contrary) are forgeries by misguided and unenlightened rival believers™.

However, the other day, the roles were reversed. When slicing up a cucumber for a nice, pleasant Eternal-Sunday Lunch, God was at first shocked, and then intrigued, to see a message from All Humanity, cunningly concealed within the vegetable.

The message reads as follows:

Some of us have just had it up to here with some of your followers. We don’t mind people following you, but there is a hardcore contingent of your people who are really messing things up for us. Please would you just get these people off our backs?

At first, God was wary of this:

My first thought was, hmmmm…. A message from All Humanity concealed within a cucumber? That’s ridiculous. It must be a coincidence. Am I risking falling into confirmation bias, or something? I was pretty sceptical about it; you know, an omniscient being can’t merely accept just anything as true, merely because it sounds plausible.

So… the three of us (well, technically speaking, the one of us ) conferred together, and we were sceptical at first. But in the end, We agreed to make a statement clarifying My position.

Well, we wish to make it clear that anyone who wishes to follow Us is free to do so. Anyone who doesn’t, should be left alone. I am The Truth, and I actually value integrity and honesty from the individuals who are of my own Creation, rather than blind subservience.

However, a Joint Solidarity Statement, signed by various Megachurch Pastors, Ayatollahs, Hardcore Catholics, Ultra-Orthodox Jews, Hindutva Fundamentalists, and various assorted Circle-Jerking True Believers™ informs us:

“This is self-evidently a fake. You shouldn’t believe everything you hear about God, just because the person speaking is somehow slick and genial; or even because he threatens you with eternal hellfire if you don’t believe him.”

Well… can’t argue with you there. Still, I just wish everybody in this world knew that.

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Posted in Religionism0 Comments

Busy Tech Execs Boost Productivity, Put Children On Ice

Busy Tech Execs Boost Productivity, Put Children On Ice

When LaShonda Martinez’s boss first offered to freeze her three-year-old son, the programmer was aghast. “I was all like, you want to do what? But then, once they explained themselves, I was all like, yeah, maybe.”

In light of recent benefits offered by tech giants Google and Facebook to freeze employees embryos, Washington-based Microsoft revealed that not only had they a similar policy in place, but that they would actually place already born babies and toddlers into suspended animation as to not interfere with their employee’s workloads. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Health0 Comments

Rep/Dem Hawks Approve “Moderate Islamist” Manifesto

Rep/Dem Hawks Approve “Moderate Islamist” Manifesto

Frustrated by what they perceive to be the dogmatism both of liberal or secular Muslims on the one hand, and hardcore political Islamists on the other, various factions of moderate political Islamism™ have released a joint solidarity statement.

The statement has met with widespread acclaim among UK Trotskyites, as well as moderate political Islamists themselves,..

Well, the latter are happy that a certain proportion of the Left are continuing to show solidarity in their eternal struggle against the public/private distinction, capitalism, and individual liberty.

Signatories (so far) include Erdogan and his party, the moderate dissidents in Syria, George Galloway’s Respect Party, and the Moderate Taliban™ (remember these guys?)

The statement runs as follows:

1. Islam is the only foundation of the state. No other political or religious ideologies may be permitted to exist within a moderate political Islamist state. This is absolutely non-negotiable, and anyone who raises the slightest objection is to be immediately liquidated, in the most brutal and savage manner possible.

2. Secular and liberal Muslims claim that gay people should be free from police persecution, and should have a wide array of civil liberties. God forbid! On the other hand, hardcore political Islamists wish to behead and stone homosexuals. This is also unacceptable.

A moderate political Islamist state will avoid both extremes, and merely give all homosexuals a life sentence, and ensure that none of their family members may attend university, or be permitted to serve in any political, police or military function.

3. Secular and liberal Muslims claim that what a woman does with her own vagina is her own damn business. God forbid! On the other hand, hardcore political Islamists wish to execute unchaste women in the most horrendous manner possible. This is also unacceptable.

A moderate political Islamist state will avoid both extremes, and merely beat these women in public, so that they will be forced to reflect on their depravity. Yet, offenders who repeatedly refuse to turn from the errors of their ways will be given a life sentence. (Please note how we are more lenient on our women than on homosexuals; women have tender feelings, and we must pity those who go astray).

4. Secular and liberal Muslims claim that full religious toleration and equality must be provided to Jews, Christians, and all the even more small and insignificant religious minorities, who are not worth mentioning here, and who in any case are not mentioned in the Quran. God forbid! On the other hand, hardcore political Islamists wish to liquidate anyone who does not accept Islam. This is also unacceptable.

A moderate political Islamist state will avoid both extremes, and thus we will permit non-Muslims to survive, provided they pay the jizya, and refrain from criticising Islam or committing any form of blasphemy whatsoever. Those who do presume to do so will be liquidated; but anyone who respects Islam may live. We must also ensure that those who do not convert to Islam are prevented from attaining high positions in the government, media, academic, police or military spheres.

Top Democratic and Republican warhawks are impressed with this statement. One Saviour of Our Common Humanity™ from one of the two main parties or other told me:

“You know, this is what we were hoping for all along. Now that we know who the real moderate defenders of freedom and liberty are, we can keep on fighting the REAL terrorists, like ISIS.”

And some guy from that other stupid party, whatever it’s called, said:

“Well, this will buy us a bit of time. We can approve this statement in public first; then, once we have dealt with ISIS, we can turn on the moderate political Islamists; you know, like we did with the Taliban and Saddam.”

Finally, Robert Fisk was unavailable for comment, as he was writing a tearful Tumblr post about the sad, sad, weepy world in which we live, and why can’t we all just live together in love and peace and acceptance.

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

“Patronising Liberal Pastor” Calls Jesus “Inspiring”

“Patronising Liberal Pastor” Calls Jesus “Inspiring”

Last time, I reminded you how much a certain kind of patronising crap about “inspirational” underdogs and under-non-dogs is now big business.

Well, now it’s even infected kinda-normal-and-sensible-within-reason religious circles™.

That’s right; worshipers at a somewhat moderate/mainline Church™ in Colorado Springs (no, not Brother Ted’s church, we’re talking one with an monthly income that is only in the mere hundreds of thousands)…

Yes, worshipers were absolutely horrified to hear a shocking sermon from their new flaming hippy, pinko liberal compromisin’ pastor™.

Well; if ever anyone in our world has even been an inspiration to the weak, the disenfranchised, the suffering; it was, and is, and always will be, Jesus Christ…. I mean, he was the ultimate subaltern figure… despised and rejected, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief…. You know, we’re talking wayyy beyond Charlie Sheen level here.

And Jesus, our inspiration, wants us all to follow his lead. Let us all be inspired by this man, for he is the most inspiring of all. Peace be upon him. We should all be respectful People of the Book; in the spirit of Christian tolerance, let us feel unashamed, un-insulted and entirely unpatronised and un-condescended-to, in our bearing such a noble title…

Yes, People of the Book, a beautiful name, unilaterally and benevolently bestowed on us by those I deem to be our Brothers in Christ and in general Abrahamicnesses…

I now cite the Call to Prayer: Come to Prayer, come to success… be inspirational, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Quite understandably, worshippers were less than impressed with this pretty-damn-cheap-soundin’ imitation of sub-sub-standard cable-TV-sensationalism. One disgruntled former church member™ told me:

Ok, first of all, the sermon lasted well under 50 minutes; talk about being sold short! I wanted value for money; just this for $900 in the collection plate a week? You know, I’m a retired school teacher… I mean, this shit should be golden; just can’t give out this stuff for free, unless I get my money’s worth!

And, by the way, this is the most condescending idiocy I’ve ever heard since the Galatians that the Apostle Paul wrote about were messing about with backward Judaising MSM Zionist tomfoolery!

You know, Jesus called out the Pharisees at the risk of his very life, kinda like Mitt Romney at the Iowa convention (except Jesus wasn’t a Mormon, OBVIOUSLY); he told his enemies they were on the Highway to Hell if they didn’t shape up; he founded the “Occupy the House of God” campaign and turned the tables on the 1%er money changers; he even courageously descended into Hell and laid some serious WWE smackdown on His Satanic Majesty!

I mean, what’s all this about this liberal, gentle, meek-and-mild Jesus?™ Jesus was a fighter, a true warrior of God; he wasn’t afraid of anything or anyone. All this freaking pussy Democrat sentimentality about “inspiring Jesus…” It just makes me sick!

What next? I suppose this fake pastor is gonna tell me about his own secret confidential revelation from the Almighty™ that Jesus ran a free-range cat shelter, wore hippy-dippy flower-power Jesus sandals, and had his own socialist left-wing organic vegetable farm co-operative?

Or maybe he’s gonna tell me God is a liberal? Jesus was a Democrat? The apostles were Communist Revolutionaries? Uh-uh! You know, I am pretty sure God is FAIRLY right-leaning; well, you know, within reason.

It just reminds me of this trash on cheap low-subscription television networks about oh-so-INSPIRINGLY incontinent kids who, like, all of a sudden start talking at 6 years old…

Or about currently successful-ish and equally “inspiring” semi-millionaire businesswomen who were told they would never be able to leave the comfort of their own four walls without medical assistance!

You know, these liberal seminaries and pastors have a lot to answer for! This was what pushed me over the edge into atheism. I had a few doubts before, but this crappy liberal candyfloss pastor has just ruined everything, at long last!… Never mind all his Darwinian idiocy, it’s all his crap about gushy-wushy inspiring figures that finally turned me!

Oh and by the way, while we’re at it… what in the hell does “subaltern” mean? This is what I mean about crappy, pretentious university-trained pastors talking above us! That’s what comes of these professional pseudo-intellectual theological curricula; should’ve stuck with good old King James 1611!

Yup, you can tell him that to his face! Go on, bite me! He is literally worse than Hitler… sorry, really understated that; I mean, he’s literally worse than John Shelby Spong!

And why in the Hell was he quoting the Catholic “Call to prayer,” huh? What’s next? Baptism equality? He’s gonna start gay-baptising Christian gays? How about leather-clad lesbian worship music for all them there other kinda Christian gays? Seriously!

Fair enough. I came back to his most exalted preachiness with this helpful feedback:

“Shit! You’re friggin’ kidding me! This stupid ass-hat actually said that? This flaming hell-bound bastard clearly has some pretty damn freaky issues goin’ on! To hell with that crap!”

Hmm… not so meek and mild after all then?…

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Posted in Religionism0 Comments

Ruse of Young Border Crossers Successful for Drug Cartels

Ruse of Young Border Crossers Successful for Drug Cartels

Suspicions have arisen lately that the recent spate of Latin children coming across the southern U.S. border were no spontaneous occurrence. Darker implications have revealed themselves.

“The operation was a total success!” states Juan Cokefetcher, middle manager for the Headchoppers Cartel of Chihuahua.

“Those stupid gringos never did figure out what it was all about; that those kids coming across seeking asylum were just a ruse to distract them.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Human Interest0 Comments

Libraries- The Great Whores Of The Literary World

Libraries- The Great Whores Of The Literary World

There used to be a sanctuary to which you could retire for that most blessed and peaceful of soul satisfying balms- silence.

This sanctuary was known as a ‘library’ and throughout the world they could be considered a trustworthy and guarded haven for this treasure of peace whether it be in Bangladesh or the heart of Manhattan.

There entities known as “librarians” would covet and protect this precious jewel of quietude against all assailants be they obnoxious brats, overheated fine payers or homeless wrecks. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Pittsburgh: 3 So. Oakland Buildings Improved In Atwood Street Fire

Pittsburgh: 3 So. Oakland Buildings Improved In Atwood Street Fire

PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh Fire Department was called late last night to a three-alarm blaze on Atwood Street that, according to onlookers, “greatly improved at least three of the buildings.”

While the South Oakland inferno itself enveloped a swath containing only those three buildings, reports indicate that several adjacent structures also received partial upgrades from smoke damage. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest0 Comments

American secret agents exposed by phone app?

American secret agents exposed by phone app?

A stunning announcement was made at a secret hacker conference last month to little fanfare.

An app was made available for the Android or IPhone platform that exposes the secret agents working for America’s top secret organizations.

Called “Find my Spy”, the app is supposed to find any currently employed agent by name or location. Since the announcement the app has gone viral and has reportedly been downloaded over 3 million times already in fifty seven countries so far. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

God: “Stephen Hawking does not exist”

God: “Stephen Hawking does not exist”

DATELINE: HEAVEN – In response to Dr. Stephen Hawking’s confirmation of his atheism this week, the Christian deity and almighty creator Yahweh announced that the universe’s existence could be explained without the need for a Stephen Hawking.

“Following peer-reviewed religious principles and dogma, it is clear to me that the possibility of a Stephen Hawking existing is much less than remotely plausible. Religion offers a much more convincing explanation for the origins of the universe and, quite frankly, the existence of a Stephen Hawking simply is not compatible with My miracles.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Society3 Comments

Perry/Santorum Article: Non-apology, Disclaimer, Invitation

Perry/Santorum Article: Non-apology, Disclaimer, Invitation

Santorum “living a lie all these years?”

This quotation, straight from the consummately straight-talking lips of Santorum himself, has somehow angered a crapload of irritable and highly-strung socialists™ who (charitably calculated) have only half-read my article on Rick Perry receiving a well-deserved Papal award, and Rick Santorum being passed over.

Yup; some miscellaneous and contemptible heap of predictably-uninformed-and-careless, ubiqituously-raging-web-cruisers are already quoting the foregoing quotation out of context.

Well, this is possibly not entirely unrelated to the fact that they couldn’t bring themselves to read the whole article; nor, indeed, the “THIS IS SATIRE, DAMMIT!!!” disclaimer.

No, wait; this never actually happens on this website! Hmmm…

Still, Santorum was merely talking about being a Catholic. That’s the context. You people do understand context, right? Well, I hope… ok, I’m being pretty generous here.

Still, ignore the haters, Rick… and ignore the fact that all those clearly unprincipled (as always) non-supporters of yours don’t understand the difference between satire and “factual” journalism.

Yup, let it go. Just let it go. You know, there there’s a hell of a lot of issues to let go of and just not give a crap about in this life; and this is certainly one of them.

Although it’s certainly not the only one; there are plenty of others; even ones which occupy the minds of politicians motivated to ensure a fair and just society, but who are going about it in a pretty misguided and harmful manner… hint-hint.

Still, I mean, if the “fact/satire” distinction bothers them (roll over, Davie Hume!), they should read some objective and reliable output from one of the myriad objective, reliable (and by the way, purely factual) news outlets in the USA…

You know, like our painfully ubiquitous/achingly conspicuous Fox/MSNBC rivals and haters.
Anyway, whatever happens, I still love you, Rick.




Well, especially with that pretty-damn-hot-stuff sweater you’ve been wearing. If I hadn’t been feeling so unfortunately and uncongenially and inconveniently hetero recently, you’d be the number-one, full-size, high-grade-handsome poster on my bedroom wall.

Yup! My problem is, I’m struggling with “unwanted heterosexual feelings;” kind of the opposite of what you and partisans of the Aversionist Agenda™ call “unwanted homosexual feelings.”

Oh, it’s not an agenda? Man, I feel really bad for you; it must really suck ass to be told you and “your people” (whatever that means) are carrying out some vaguely defined, wicked, and conspiratorial agenda; when it’s actually NOT the case!

And besides, you know what? I can’t find anyone to cure me. You never thought about helping people with THIS kind of terrible problem, did you? Don’t I deserve to be cured of my horrible and tragic affliction, too? Am I condemned to feel this way forever, with no hope of normality?

I mean, you only care about gay people, or what? Whatever happened to compassionate conservatism, Rick?

Sheesh. Calm down, Rick. Don’t get edgy. You know, the sweater thing; it was supposed to be a compliment. You’re a handsome kinda guy. Well, yeah; even if, tragically, you can’t be on my agenda right now.

But the offer’s there. If anyone out there can cure me, you know who you gotta call. Some poor boy’s needin’ straight-busted. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Just think about it, Rick. Because, in the last analysis, all us mainstream, standard-issue straightniks are human too.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism0 Comments

Perry/Santorum: Top Papal Award, Christian Fakers Annihilated

Perry/Santorum: Top Papal Award, Christian Fakers Annihilated

Oh-so-conspicuously unashamed Christian, Rick Perry, is not actually painfully, embarrassingly, and conspicuously unashamed today; just plain-ol’-vanilla-grindin’ embarrassed.

Pope Francis has accidentally made Perry a Papal Knight, instead of the similarly-monikered Rick Santorum.

But far from being flattered, Perry is distinctly underwhelmed by this high accolade…

Just Google-pedia his (kind of) acceptance speech at the Vatican; the 13 dozen (-trillion-ish?) megahit Youtube postings, and thousands and thousands of thoroughly unamusing and utterly disrespectful and malicious web-parodies™…

(According to the most recent count, conducted a mere 69… sorry, 20 minutes after his speech).

You know, I’m still not ashamed to say I’m a Christian™, even if I’m not that kind of Christian; but I’m just not really into all that Catholic stuff.

I mean, you don’t have to have a legion of rich friends in the megachurch industry or an army of devoted enemies of the so-called Churches-and-Statists-Separation to know there’s something wrong in this country when…™

Well, when I can get respect from the Pope but not from the Democrats… not even from YOUR fellow-Catholic buddy, the practically omnipresent/omnipotent/omni-shut-the-hell-up Saint Pelosi!…

And, of course, when a certain breed of opportunistic, center-straddling, fence-sitting Republicans opposes some of my ideas.

Don’t worry, I’ve already promised a thousand times ten thousand to end the war on True Christians™! Sorry, I mean a thousand times per hour… well, much more than a thousand, if the Youtube bandwidth were better…

Oh, socialist internet regulation sucks! Just sucks, dammit!#

We all know and respect how I try my very damnablest… sorry, damnedest, to save True, Authentic, Honest-to-God Christians™ from socialist, liberal, secular, and in particular, Darwinian-homosexual persecution and seduction…

But my job’s always getting just that bit harder when these pretty-damn-border-line or even flat-out-wrong churches (not pointing any fingers in this cathedral) try and join in the fun and call themselves Christians too.

It’s just plain unbearable! JFK, anyone?

Well, what next? Mitt Romney, is he going to try and be a True Christian as well? I mean, are the Church of Jesus and God’s Latter-Day Mormonian Witnesses™ going to give me an award too?

And how about Romney’s highly conspicuous and thoroughly renown-a-spectable co-believer, co-worshipper, and co-Heaven-bound-space-traveller Tom Cruise?

Well? Where will it all end, huh? Christian gays?™ Gimme a break!


Actually… no, on second thoughts, I’ll just decide I’m actually subtly trying to gauge your authenticity; you got any Christian gays here? Well? No? Not really, ya say? Yeah, whatever!”

I also asked part-time radical sexologist and amateur pretty-damn-non-postmodern gender theory expert Rick Santorum for his views.

(Actually, doesn’t that more-or-less mean “pre-modern gender theory expert?” One of you amateur semanticists from the comments pages might know; or if not, I’m sure you can at least offer us some absolute, unqualified certainty about this pressing issue).

Santorum is scarcely more generous than Perry; more like curiously frustrated:

“I’ve always wanted to be a Papal Knight; that’s the reason I joined politics in the first place…

“My only desire has been serving others in a purely disinterested and selfless manner. And of course, I’ve always dreamed of grabbing; sorry, acquiring, some especially honorable and distinguished Vatican accolade along the way.

“The Church I’ve loved and served all my life has just passed me over. So, I might as well just admit I’ve been living a lie all these years! You know what I mean?”

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism0 Comments

Tax Evasion As Public Policy: The AMT/Gordian Story

Tax Evasion As Public Policy: The AMT/Gordian Story

Skyrocketing health care costs are a major public policy issue. The Affordable Care Act has limited mechanisms to reign in these costs, but, really, we, the providers of health care products and services, must lead on this issue. We must innovate new, creative, and effective ways to eliminate excessive and unnecessary financial burdens.

When it comes to cutting costs, we at AMT/Gordian, consider ourselves trailblazers. Since our inception, we’ve focused on eliminating one major financial drain. Which one? Federal Income Tax. How did we cut it? We never paid any. Is that even legal? Shhhhh, don’t speak. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Crime0 Comments

Ray Rice Condemns Couple for Wasting Produce

Ray Rice Condemns Couple for Wasting Produce

Baltimore, Maryland – “That’s not the foundation for a healthy relationship,” suspended NFL running back, Ray Rice, shouted to the media from his front doorstep, Friday morning, moments after seeing video footage of a couple in his own neighborhood discarding spoiled fruits and vegetables.

“Man, that couple needs a FoodSaver vacuum, stat!” Rice added, while shaking his hand loose after knocking out his 102-year-old blind neighbor because she told him that he was not as fast as he used to be. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society, Sports, Sports Scandals0 Comments

A Psalm for the Tea Party

A Psalm for the Tea Party

1) The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want–to talk to liberals.

2) He maketh me lie down in untaxed green pastures: he leadeth me to the clear waters of pro-Gun states where I can shoot deer or thieves as God intended; no libs shall take my guns away.

3) He restoreth our souls to their Constitutional originals; he leadeth us down the righteous right-wing path where no left-leaning wingnuts lie in wait. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

The Funniest Fortune Cookie Messages

The Funniest Fortune Cookie Messages

Has anyone else noticed that there’s a day for everything? Women’s day (although we really should even it up and have Men’s Day), Book Day, Non-Smoking Day, Dress Like A Pirate Day etc.

Well, the list is growing – September 13 2014 was the first official international Fortune Cookie Day. For all those poor oppressed fortune cookies.

On the plus side, Fortune Cookie Day has prompted lists of hilarious fortune cookie messages from around the world – and Gala & Smosh were not to be outdone. Here is a list of some of the funniest fortune cookie messages from their lists: Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Society0 Comments

Vatican Wafer Gate

Vatican Wafer Gate

Wikileaks has done it again. The release of 3.4 billion database searchable electronic records is reverberating around the Internet with many new stunning revelations.

The latest to be revealed is a series of directives between the US and the Vatican. In what appears to be a quid pro quo, it appears that a deal was struck whereby the Justice Department would “be soft” in prosecuting abusive priests and let the church deal with them in return for letting a GMO ingredient into their communion wafer.

This was only for North American Catholic churches and began during the millennium crisis. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Religionism3 Comments

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