Ringling Brothers Circus is suing both the Republican and Democratic Parties for infringements on the copyright claim of running ‘The Biggest Circus In The World’. The Ringling Brothers, for a century the largest traveling circus on the circuit, is now upset that the two Presidential Parties are now cutting into their business.

“Our clowns are at least professional!” stated Ringling Manager Chuck D. Cheese, a midget with the circus, as I held the mike down so he could speak up into it. “When we get laughs it is because we intend to. And we don’t wear no three piece suits trying to look normal.” Continue Reading

Lee Henry Morgan, Warden at California’s San Quentin Prison is breathing a sigh of relief these days as the number of shankings in this infamously dangerous prison have decreased greatly over the past several months.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” said Morgan of the almost humane way prisoners are now treating each other on a daily basis.

Morgan credits a deputy warden’s suggestions with bringing about such an incredible change. “We have LeRoy Perkins to thank for accomplishing what no other man before him has been able to accomplish. Continue Reading

Residents of a community somewhere in southern California are coming forward with serious allegations of discrimination, forced behavior, and restrictions on personal freedom.

Compared by its residents to ‘prison’ the community apparently forces them to wear white robes at all times and to sing hymns for the community’s dictatorial administrator. That’s not the worst of it though – residents are not allowed to leave the premises… ever! Continue Reading

The peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s the staple of grade school students. The standby for financially-strapped college students. The sign that a husband has done something wrong when he opens the brown-bagged lunch his wife made him that morning.

It’s also the focus of David Valin’s research for the past 4 years, which he’ll finally unveil in a new book called The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread, and What’s Usually Between It. Continue Reading

The following was found jammed in the Michigan State Capitol Building front door by a janitor arriving early for work on Monday:

MANIFESTO FOR THE LIBERATION OF THE UPPER PENINSULA FROM THE TYRANNY OF THE STATE OF MICHIGAN AND RETURNING IT TO ITS PROPER PLACE AS AN APPENDAGE OF WISCONSIN.

Let this document stand as a statement of intent by the Wisconsin Underground Saboteur Society For the Insurrection and Eventual Setting Free of The UP (W.U.S.S.I.E.S.) to liberate the so named Upper Peninsula from years of subjugation by the repressive forces of the state of Michigan. Continue Reading

“The pain, Thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over to the right.

“This one?” asked the dentist?

“Noph,” replied Cloris.

“This’n?” He asked as he hit the next tooth with his little silver hammer.

“Noph,” she said. “Nob fat one.” Continue Reading

ROCKY MOUNT, NC – A 37-year old unemployed factory worker turned humor blogger is reportedly thrilled by recent praise his previously unknown humor blog has received. Avowed bachelor and longtime fan of Wheel of Fortune, Buford Quigley told reporters today that he is “as happy as a dead pig in sunshine” over the overwhelming positive response his humor blog is receiving – almost exclusively from internet spammers. Continue Reading

Psychologists have recently discovered a disturbing strain of statistically abnormal humans living among us. Allegedly, these genetic mutants have advanced intelligence with I.Q.’s towering as much as 80 points above the rest of us normal people. They have been tentatively dubbed “geniuses.”

At this point it is not clear whether the geniuses were engineered by a diabolical Frankenstein somewhere, or if perhaps, they just sprang up from the depths of chaos theory. Continue Reading

Paul Franklin is known to be a very nice and generous driver, but he recently confessed to friends that the reason he lets everyone go is because he has nowhere to be. “I used to think I was a nice driver, but I realized I just have low self esteem,” said Franklin, laying down on the hood of his car. “Whenever I let people go, I always assume that their destination is way more important than mine.” Continue Reading

The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during early bird special time, removing their gang regalia in the bathrooms, and then ordering meals consisting of 10 oz. ribeyes, a salad, and two sides, all for a portion of what they would pay after 6 p.m. Continue Reading

Cabinet officer says pencil substitution now proven to reduce smoking-related deaths.

LONDON, ENGLAND —GLOSSYNEWS The UK Cabinet Office wants cigarette smokers to start biting on #2 pencils to replace the cigs they are smoking,in order to lower the numbers of deaths caused by smoking disease each year. Continue Reading

SOUTH OAKLAND, CA —Glossy News Harold Camping [the American Christian radio host who falsely prophesied that the world would end on May 21] suffered a stroke in June but is slowly recovering. Acting on God’s advice, he will soon be able to return home. Mr. and Mrs. Camping expressed their thankfulness for his stroke rehab therapy, saying “all the glory goes to God,” Mrs. Camping continued on Mr. Camping’s behalf, “as Harold’s recovery is in God’s hands and according to His timing.” Continue Reading

Does the depressed economy have you feeling DOWN!!!!??? Are you concerned because our government can’t seem to solve our spiraling debt crisis? Confused about how to end the stalemate between Republicans and Democrats over how to restore America’s former greatness and still balance the budget? Continue Reading

Clearwater, FL—Local Comcast technician, Mike Haynes, reportedly experienced superhuman strength after nine hours of television on Saturday.

Between the eye strain and sore arm muscles from lifting over 18 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Haynes wasn’t sure if he’d have the strength left to pick up the remote to change the channel. “I’ve heard about those people who lift cars and things in an emergency, so I figured that’s what happened to me when I saw that an educational show was coming up on channel six and I knew I had to change that channel quick,” Haynes told Channel Six News early this morning. Continue Reading

The California State Legislature has finally passed a bill banning all bacon and bacon-like products from the shelves of supermarkets and restaurants across the state in an effort to get Californians back on the healthy track. California is the first, and possibly the only state to take such drastic steps to protect its citizens from themselves. Continue Reading

The ever intrepid Wonki Leaks has scored another scoop with a revealing email sent by the acid blooded extreme American right winger Ann Coulter to the Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik.

Hacked from Breivik’s email account by Rupert Murdoch himself, then rehacked from Murdoch by fellow Australian Julian Assange personally, the tidbit became an instant internet smash when released.

The email then was re-rehacked by the crack email hacker team here at Glossynews, all hired from the now defunct British tabloid News Of The World.

The email, a proposition of love from Ms. Coulter to the handsome and deadly rightist Breivik, gives an insight in the working of the mind of the beloved (and beloathed) blond Republican literary diva. Here is the text in full:

Hello Handsome!

Sorry to hear of your tragic incarceration. Those devious liberals probably got you arrested on a concealed weapons charge. They don’t seem to change their tactics much from country to county.

They should be exterminated. Too bad gas showers aren’t allowed any more! The libtards are probably the ones behind that government restriction too. They just won’t let a worthwhile enterprise thrive!

You certainly have done your part. Imagine! Getting rid of over 90 liberals at one time! Impressive! And all by yourself with just a couple of handguns and some fertilizer. I would nominate you for the NRA poster boy of the year except you are from Norway and not the U.S. (Don’t get me wrong, big boy, Norway is almost as good as America.)

And then bombing the floor out from under those in the parliament! You are a real hunk of He-man! Not only do you get rid of the Social rats, but also the nest they sit in! Brilliant!

I know you might not be available much, but if you should ever get free for a couple nights (I know those lame European left wing laws might let you get out on the streets for a bit of fresh air. If they are stupid enough to make them, take advantage of them I always say!) I would like to hook up with you.

I really go for the blond, strong jawed, blue eyed Aryan types, especially if those eyes are as cold as ice. Having a hunk’s body helps too. At least in solitary in prison you’ll have plenty of time to keep your physique up.

Even if you do get the maximum Norwegian term for murder of 21 years, I’ll be waiting for you. A Fuhrer such as yourself only comes along once in a generation and the last one shot himself in a bunker in Berlin in 1945.

In case you don’t recognize me from my books or FOX News, I am a slender WASP ( very!) with blond hair and blue eyes (also very Aryan! We’d be such a perfect match!) I am a dedicated anti liberal and like to wear black miniskirts (just for you I will ‘forget’ to put on underwear with it!)

I have an enticing slim figure; some say ‘skeletal’ or ‘Allie McBealish’ (who was a libtard lawyer on a lefty-lame TV show. These people I sic my doberman on.) I know how to charm a muscle man like yourself. I have a sexy swastika laced nightgown that I wear only for special men.

We can have a romantic evening together, cuddling and watching reruns of 24 Hours or the Nuremburg Rallies, then sip wine, snack on gjetost and sauerkraut before stripping down and making Aryan babies. It would be so romantic! At the point of orgasm we would shriek Heil, Heil, Heil in unison!

Let me know your answer quickly love. I await in impassioned heat!

Just one request, my love. When you do get free, could you give up the organic farming business? It just seems so, so, so Leftist! Yuck!