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Gallows Humor Flash Fiction: The Well-Meaning Good Burgher of Cologne

Gallows Humor Flash Fiction: The Well-Meaning Good Burgher of Cologne

Last night my foster son came back and shat all over my carpet, raped my daughter, and set the house on fire.
My wife was angry and told me to give him a hiding. Continue Reading

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We Are A Fly On The Wall At The Republican Formation Of The New Health Plan.

We Are A Fly On The Wall At The Republican Formation Of The New Health Plan.

We are a fly on the wall at the Republican formation of the new health plan. 

“What are we going to do?” whispered Mitch McConnell secretly to Mike Pence. “If we don’t get this new AbominableCare bill through our handlers will come down on us heavy!”

“First off, I think we should change the name. It sounds too much like ObamaCare. Secondly, what do you mean by handlers?” Continue Reading

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Bristol Palin Converts to Islam, Promotes Chastity Agenda for Iran

Bristol Palin Converts to Islam, Promotes Chastity Agenda for Iran

After her Bristolgate scandals of a few years back, the crisis-hit daughter of Sarah Palin has decided to turn over a new leaf.

Sick of the hypocrisy of conservative evangelicals, she has decided to convert to Islam instead. Continue Reading

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Catholics Flee the Church: “Apostate” Pope Francis Peddles Masturbation “Heresy”

Catholics Flee the Church: “Apostate” Pope Francis Peddles Masturbation “Heresy”

After recent controversial opinions on divorce and gay people, the authority of Pope Francis was already shaky.

But now his most contentious radical liberal intervention yet has shaken the Catholic Church to the very core.

Even the most hard-nosed dogmatists were prepared to tolerate his recent comments on ‘Who Am I to Judge?’ Continue Reading

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Freedom of Speech is Not Up for Debate (Memes)

Freedom of Speech is Not Up for Debate (Memes)

There’s always some excuse.

‘Hate speech is not freedom of speech!’

‘Historical denialism is not freedom of speech!’

‘Blasphemy is not freedom of speech!’

The problem is…

One you start going down that path, there really is no bottom!

Image result for freedom of speech wallace runnymede

Image result for freedom of speech wallace runnymede

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A Cocktail of Journalistic Insights

A Cocktail of Journalistic Insights

Dateline: NEW YORK—Make no mistake, journalists drilled down and told a cautionary tale of the bombshell that landed on a dumpster fire in the middle of a firestorm, after the grilling of senators who pivoted to whether they’d reached a tipping point or were just playing politics, not fearing the optics of thinking outside the box at the crossroads of their last ditch effort, although there was plenty of blame to go around in this searing indictment of the favourite Washington parlor game that turned a blind eye on a potent symbol of the game-changer which donned the mantle of a hotly contested feeding frenzy.

Needless to say, it remains to be seen in the 24-hour news cycle of the digital age, whether, at first glance, the woefully inadequate, byzantine rules that burst onto the scene will allow the punditocracy to breathe a sigh of relief or will force it to probe the powers that be for the American people, but those rules double-down with strange bedfellows in the wake of keen observers of tongue-wagging, well-heeled lobbyists who met with an ignominious end in the final analysis at the end of the day when, for all intents and purposes, cooler heads prevailed at the inflection point of no return that was shrouded in secrecy in an ill-advised, much-ballyhooed, hastily-convened, closely-watched and oft-cited paradigm shift of a broken system that underscores the object lesson of this Rorschach test.

Be that as it may, this is not your father’s tectonic shift, if you will, and Christmas came early for skittish donors in that land of contradictions which ushered in an eye-popping era in a nutshell that, contrary to popular belief, prevented anyone from acknowledging the new normal in which there are no face-saving compromises and we all press each other’s hot-button issues which are the talk of the town, yet a portrait emerges of a grizzly veteran who endured withering criticism in a dizzying array of wide-ranging interviews in a nondescript office building, and of the poster child of an unsung hero who was tapped to rise from obscurity and spark a debate that raised the specter of hand-wringing partisans on both sides who traded barbs in a war of words and walked on thin ice in a charm offensive, going forward as creatures of Washington in a stinging rebuke to the fevered speculation of the proverbial growing body of evidence that shines a spotlight on a political football, which raises more questions than answers about the tightly knit social fabric.

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Who Are The Real Victims of a Female Meritocracy? (3/3)

Who Are The Real Victims of a Female Meritocracy? (3/3)

The meritocracy had matured and grown tired.

Rampant self-sacrifice had gone unchecked by the selfish needs of the village women.

No one had stopped to consider the consequences.

The unfortunates were too busy encouraging their husbands to do the right thing so they too could experience the pleasures of the fortunate.

But when the last unfortunate was elevated they all became unfortunates once again.

As the only male left in the village capable of producing children it was up to the chief to get busy right away and start making more unfortunates.

He laid out his plan and began fleshing out a schedule that would be fair to everyone.

His wife, out of breath from carrying all of the double winners across the village to attend the meeting, stared at him slack jawed.

What about her?

She was the one doing all the work now and the meritocracy had made no room for her whatsoever.

She had run head first into the paradox that accompanies all meritocracies.

The person doing the most work got the least reward.

Just as the chaos of democracies always lead to despots, the inherent unfairness of meritocracies always breeds a victim class.

And the chief’s wife would spend the rest of her life as one of those victims always on the lookout for someone to blame.

Now when her and the chief passed each other in the village, him off to a hut to make another unfortunate and her the only one left to piggyback past winners, cook the food, watch the kids, dig the aZZanddis and chase down dinner for the whole village she could do little more than give him dirty looks and wonder if he had cooked the whole thing up right from the beginning.

He always pretended not to notice and hurried on his way.

 

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Who Are The Real Victims of a Female Meritocracy? (2/3)

Who Are The Real Victims of a Female Meritocracy? (2/3)

When the second head-on-a-stick showed up a few days later it didn’t have the same jounce as the first one.

The holy man tried to whip up the same disquietude he’d enjoyed with the first head-on-a-stick.

Everyone went about their business and ignored his pleas. Continue Reading

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Who Are The Real Victims of a Female Meritocracy? (1/3)

Who Are The Real Victims of a Female Meritocracy? (1/3)

Dahomey, Africa 1842

The first one appeared in the village; stuck dead center in the communal fire pit, looking frightened and lonely.

Staring down at the ground through droopy eyes, it looked as if it was afraid of falling over.

The villagers approached it with caution.

No one recognized the head-on-a-stick.

And no one knew where it came from or how it got there.

Showing up uninvited and unwelcome, the holy man approached the head-on-a-stick cautiously and waved his bent staff in the air.

The same one he used to channel information down from the unseen and unheard to the frequently-not-listening.

But as the self-anointed representative of the invisible, mute and ineffective, it was his job to interpret things such as this; and he quickly pronounced it a sign of dire spiritual consequence.

In his bailiwick most things had to be; otherwise he wouldn’t have anything to do.

He hopped around the head-on-the-stick on one leg.

First forwards then backwards.

He poked the thing in each of its eyes with his holy staff, tugged at its ears and smacked it on the top of its head a few times.

After a moment’s consideration he loudly proclaimed the head-on-the-stick to be a warning that something very bad was about to happen.

His exhortations to leave the village were met with eye rolls and condescending chuckles.

The chief had been watching and listening from the back of the crowd.

He liked the old guy, but knew him to be a bit off the log.

He’d told him time and again that vagueness was the key.

And to always leave himself an “out” when making spiritual predictions.

The holy man hadn’t listened, and continued on with unerring inaccuracy.

His credibility had been used up long ago.

The only ritual the villagers participated in nowadays was the Saturday night dance when they got to dress up in dead animal parts and sashay around the fire pit.

That was just good fun.

“If they want us to leave so badly why don’t they just write SCRAM in the dirt and leave it at that?”

The question shouted from the crowd deflated the holy man.

His shoulders stooped, and his magic stick dropped to his side.

He began to scratch out sad little doodles in the dirt.

Unanswerable questions used to be the holy man’s bread and butter.

It was the one thing that kept him from having to work out in the hot sun all day; or risk his neck in the bush, sneaking up on dinner.

The chief, feeling he needed to move things along, asked the group, “Well if we don’t really know for sure, why take the chance?”

He was a believer in the separation of church and state, but helping out the other side now and again wouldn’t do much harm.

The response was lukewarm at best.

Since his job was the well being of the tribe, he ordered the villagers to vamoose.

He tried to soften the directive by assuring them it would only be for a little while.

The evacuation was halfhearted and disorderly, with lots of grumbling and head shaking.

They were disappointed the chief took the holy man’s side in all of this silliness, but dutifully grabbed whatever they could carry and meandered off…

Unsure of where they were going to go, while awaiting the all clear.

After a week or so nothing bad happened and everybody straggled back happy to be home again.

The chief sent his wife on a hard day’s hike to take the head-on-the stick as far away as possible and bury it.

She tugged the thing off its perch by the hair and slowly trudged off dragging the head in the dirt behind her.

She gave her husband a dirty look as she shuffled by, but he looked the other way pretending he hadn’t noticed.

He learned long ago it was impossible to keep her happy.

When the second head-on-a-stick showed up a few days later, it didn’t have the same jounce as the first one.

The holy man tried to whip up the same disquietude he’d enjoyed with the first head-on-a-stick.

Everyone went about their business and ignored his pleas.

But this time things really did go bad, and the holy man didn’t bother to hide his delight.

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A Brief Satirical History of ‘Racism is Prejudice Plus Power’

A Brief Satirical History of ‘Racism is Prejudice Plus Power’

The prejudice plus power thesis says that if you don’t belong to a racially privileged group, you can’t be racist.
Racism, by definition, is something only the racially privileged are capable of.
Racism by under-privileged groups doesn’t count, because it isn’t real racism.
(See my Wallace Runnymede novel ‘The Great Flaneur Narrative’ for a humorous send-off of this notion, among other satirical delights).
It seems, however, that this is nothing new under the sun. Continue Reading

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Cheney’s Hoover Memorial Lecture: ‘We Must Stand Firm Against Paranoid Belligerent Autocrats of Pyongyang’ (2/2)

Cheney’s Hoover Memorial Lecture: ‘We Must Stand Firm Against Paranoid Belligerent Autocrats of Pyongyang’ (2/2)

This is the tail end of Richard ‘Clever Dick’ Cheney’s speech from last time. Continue Reading

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Cheney’s Hoover Memorial Lecture: ‘We Must Stand Firm Against Paranoid Belligerent Autocrats of Pyongyang’ (1/2)

Cheney’s Hoover Memorial Lecture: ‘We Must Stand Firm Against Paranoid Belligerent Autocrats of Pyongyang’ (1/2)

Dick Cheney has recently conducted the annual Edgar J. Hoover Memorial Lecture at the Hoover Institute; a notable think tank renowned, among other things, for its publications on foreign policy.

Cheney’s speech had a rather mixed reception; however, his discussion was certainly provocative. Here is a brief excerpt, entitled:

Stand Firm Against Those Who Defile the Honorable Name of Freedom Continue Reading

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