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New Thanksgiving Holiday Of ‘Gratitude’ Started For Those Who Must Work On The Real Thanksgiving.

New Thanksgiving Holiday Of ‘Gratitude’ Started For Those Who Must Work On The Real Thanksgiving.

In response to the overwhelming growth of Black Friday and its exploitation of the employees who must work in the service industry labor unions, families, certain compassionate government leaders and religious figures have petitioned and won government approval for a ‘pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving’ to make up for the real Thanksgiving that is now almost a non-existent entity.

So many are having to work on what used to be an almost sacred holiday due to the seasonal avarice of companies such as Walmart, McDonald’s, Target, Home Depot, Best Buy and others who see Christmas only as a platform for making great profits due to peoples sentimentalities and don’t mind killing off another quieter holiday to get their way.

Gratitude, the name for the new holiday, will be just like Thanksgiving food-wise, quiet-wise, family oriented-wise and religious-wise, but will be required by law to actually give people that day off to stay at home and be able to feel what it is like to be human instead of a rat on a never ending economic treadmill. Televised football will also be banned on that day along with all other sports.

The bill presented by the government was immediately labeled socialist by many of the darlings of the Republican Party. Some even went so far as to say that Obama was trying to create an Islamic holiday out of it, but then those same accusers are so far out in their minds that they would think that Mr. Spock from Star Trek is an illegal alien without a work visa. These types are already working on a counter measure that would not only eliminate Gratitude as a holiday, but would also get rid of Thanksgiving altogether too due to it not being as much of a revenue stimulator as Halloween and Christmas. They are well aware that Thanksgiving only makes money only for turkey salesmen and cranberry growers.

Already chain corporations, fast foods franchisees and greedy business owners are working on ways to circumvent, exploit and make money off of the new holiday. Rumor has it as well that the NFL is outraged that the public would even dare to think of having a day with no televised football whatsoever. They are petitioning Congress to claim the new holiday unpatriotic and communistic, even though the NFL has not paid a cent in federal taxes since they were formed.

“Gratitude?” says the big boys behind Black Friday. “Why do the little people need a holiday just to express gratitude? We certainly don’t need one! We never show any!”


Posted in Human Interest0 Comments

Tapped Phone Conversation Between Putin and Assad Proves Revealing

Tapped Phone Conversation Between Putin and Assad Proves Revealing

The famous expose website Wakileaks (yes, that is spelled correctly) has successfully tapped into a most intriguing phone call between those two most beloved of dictators in the world- Bashar al-Assad and his Grace Vladimir Putin of Russia. We have the transcript here just as it was translated from the phone tap:


Putin: Hello my old buddy Bashar! How are you doing?

Assad: Ah, Putin! My best friend, my ally, my colleague, the guy who saves my butt! How are you yourself?

Putin: Oh, quite good, old chum. A few miscreant Chechens here and there, but nothing like what you are having to put up with.

Assad: Yes, truly. But there are still a lot of loyal soldiers between me and my miscreants. I have so many who would fight and die for me that even if half of them were to be killed their dead bodies would still make a wall high enough to keep the rebels….er, ‘terrorists’ out!

Putin: Yes, Bashir, you must be careful to use the right terminology these days. Be sure to call them ‘terrorists’ so that we keep the Westerners on our side.

Assad: I bow to your wisdom, Czar Putin! It is your genius that is tearing apart my enemies both in Syria and in the rest of the western world as well. Your latest ploy, to let the rebel Syrian men and families flee through Russia to Norway couldn’t be better! They escape into the one northern land that is not European Union, take seed amongst one of the smallest populated countries in Europe and suddenly we have a force of people to draw upon in one of the richest countries in the world! Brilliant!

Putin: Yes! And the fool westerners do not even question why they do not simply ask for asylum in Russia. As though we would want them. Of course I would have my loyal Cossacks to deal with those who want to settle here just as they dealt with the Jews that we used to have a problem with. Now they are all in Israel or in a cold, unattended, anonymous grave!

Assad: It will be so great when we can begin siphoning some of that abundant oil money they have in Norway to our own causes back here at home. And the rest of the immigrants fleeing to Europe will tear the EU apart better than any atom bomb. Already they are re-erecting the borders that they so proudly tore down back in the ’90’s!

Putin: Indeed! Not to mention draining the economy of those who are having to deal with them. But that is not all. Already the covert plants we put into France have already begun to sow destruction in Paris. Soon Europe will be so Muslimized that it will be like a reverse Crusade! I will remind them of the power of the Soviet bear! This is their fate for the sanctions they levied upon us for taking Crimea! Anything that Russia seizes in its paws shall remain Russian forever and ever!

Assad: Um….speaking of which, Vladimir……do you intend on returning to me those parts of Syria that your planes and your ground troops have taken over fighting the rebels?

Putin: Ahhhh…..yes……of course I do! Whatever would make you think that? I mean….we are comrades! We cannot betray each other.

Assad (sounding somewhat doubtful) Hmmmm…. I remember that famous photo of Russian President Brezhnev giving the East German President Honecker a kiss right before pawning him and all the other Eastern European communist satellites out to the West.

Putin (trying to sound reassuring) Oh, come now Bashar! Do you really think I would betray you like a Jewish Judas?

Assad (speaking levelly) Just in case I mined the Syrian harbor we allow your naval vessels to use.

Putin: Oh……..OK……… guess I better get back to work killing those rebels……..

Assad: Might not be a bad idea. Bye.



Posted in Politics, Strange People0 Comments

Opinion: Ted Cruz is right. Why We Should Turn Away Refugees

Opinion: Ted Cruz is right. Why We Should Turn Away Refugees

In the wake of the deadly Isis terrorist attacks on Paris which killed 129 people and wounded hundreds more, the issue of whether or not to continue taking in refugees has divided us here in the United States of America, home of the free, land of the brave.

On Fox News, Senator and Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz said, “President Obama and Hillary Clinton’s idea that we should bring tens of thousands of Syrian Muslim refugees to America—it is nothing less than lunacy. On the other hand Christians who are being targeted for genocide, for persecution, Christians who are being beheaded or crucified, we should be providing safe haven to them. But President Obama refuses to do that.”

Bravo to Senator Cruz for taking such a brave and unpopular stance on such a volatile issue! Continue Reading


Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Politics, Religionism0 Comments

The Great Trump’s First Day As President.

The Great Trump’s First Day As President.

Dolly Darling, the President’s Secretary, excitedly and fearfully puts the finishing touches to the Oval Office, the new lair of her boss Donald Trump. He would be here shortly and she knows all too well how critical he is that everything should be perfect., or at least perfect as Donald Trump sees it. She knocks some lint off the large velvet rendition of Elvis in day glow colors in full rocker mode when he was still young and svelte. It hangs where the portrait of Thomas Jefferson used to.

Dolly dusts off the flashing neon light that screams ‘The Prez’ in eye-irritating flashing fluorescent scarlet above the door to all who come to seek the new Leader’s favor. Dolly Darling is not her real name, but she has used it for so long that she has almost forgotten her actual name. DD was her stage moniker as she moved up through the Atlantic City ranks from cigarette girl to stripper to bartender to Trump’s part-time lover. Now she culminates her career as the secretary to the President of the United States. She has already excitedly told all her friends, but not to her relatives to whom she disappeared years ago.

She hears the Mariachi band coming in that El Grande Hombre (as he wishes to be called by them) has ordered for his entrance into his new digs. “Oh, hello!” She smilingly greets the four dark skinned men dressed up as perfect stereo types of south of the border musicales right down to the over-sized sombreros. It was good they were all of varying height otherwise they would have taken up half the space in the room.

“So, do you speak English?” she asks them in as nice a way as she can. She normally didn’t like having anything to do with people who weren’t WASP’s, but she beamed her best smile and hoped it would work.

“Of course ma’am.” the taller one answered in accent-less English. “El Grande Hombre would put up with nothing less than American born mariachi players. We all have our birth certificates with us just in case.”

“Oh, that is wonderful.” she smiled. She was a bit taken back by his ability to communicate so well. She was used to the bus boys and janitors at Trump’s casinos who wouldn’t learn English if you beat them with a club. “OK! Go ahead and set yourselves up beside the door. He will be here any minute.”

Just as soon as she said that she heard the clip-clopping of Mr. Big’s (as Trump wanted to be called by all Anglo visitors to his new mansion) Allen Edmonds shoes as their hard, expensive soles met the polished marble of the White House’s floor. He, knowing that all Presidents wore these handmade American shoes, immediately ordered a pair and had them picked up by Air Force One. Nothing but the best for the new Prez.

“Hey babe! How’s it shaking?” stated President Trump to Dolly as he flamboyantly entered his new domain. “Is everything ramped up?”

“It is indeed, Mr. President Trump!” replied Dolly, flashing her best smile, despite feeling like there was the onset of an ulcer in her stomach.


The mariachi band started up, playing a tinny version of Hail To The Chief. When finished they smiled broadly thinking they had done well.

The Donald smiled for a moment, then said, “That was great guys! You can go now.” He held the door open for them as they left somewhat sheepishly.

“You got the place all ready, Dolly?”

“I sure do, Mr. Trump…..”

“Aah, aah now Dolly! ‘Mr. President!’ Remember that!”

“Of course, Mr. Trump President.”

Trump gleefully rubs his hands together. “So here I am! The President of the United States! It was destiny! It was Fate! It was a lot of conniving and baby kissing! So what, dear Dolly, is on my agenda for today?”

Dolly looks down at the schedule pad she has in her hands. “You have a meeting with the Governor of Macao over getting the Chinese approval for the Trump Amusement Park and Casino complex there…”

“How much do we have set aside in bribe money for them?”

“Umm….(she looks at her figures) $500,000.”

“Hmmm, that might not be enough, These Chinese officials are getting used to the big money now. Better make it $600,000.”

Dolly writes it down. “OK. After that you have a meeting with European Union officials about taking our share of Syrian refugees…”

“Oh hell! Have them give the refugees hand guns and send them back to Syria! They need to take care of their own troubles! Give them a memo to that effect and send them packing.”

“Oh, yes! President Putin called and wanted to chat about easing sanctions against Russia.”

“Hmm… Yeah, set up a time and I’ll talk to him. We shouldn’t burden him now that he’s become a good Capitalist. We don’t want them sliding back to communism. Also we need to reverse as many Obama policies as possible to make it look like we are really doing something here. Americans have forgotten about Ukraine and Crimea by now anyway.”

A light and buzzer flash on her desk. Dolly looks at it and says “Oh my! Gentlemen from Exxon, Halliburton and Shell Oil are here to see you!”

Trump beams. “My first visitors! Send them in! This shall be a portent of things to come!”

Three big, well dressed, imposing men come into the Oval Office. They all shake hands.

The first man speaks, “Greetings Mr. Big!” Trump beams at this. “I am Wonton Greid from Halliburton. This is Mr. Preise Gouger from Shell Oil and Mr. Merci Les Sleaze from Exxon Mobile Company. We just wanted to meet and congratulate you on your new conquest. It looks like you are set up real nice here.”

“Set up is the right way to put it, gentlemen. So, what can I do you out of today?”

“Oh, we just wanted to make sure we were all riding for the same brand here. Ours, namely.”

The three men all laugh uproariously over this. “Now we know that being as how you are a business man yourself you know how things go here. We all have to scratch each other backs.”

“And line each others pockets!” intercepted the Exxon man.

“Gentlemen, you are now looking at the biggest back scratcher in the United States.” He does a fake bow. “Let me put your fears to rest. As you said, I am a businessman. I know the road. Let me say it this way: Whatever your interests are, they are mine too. I am going to streamline this country so that it more effectively serves you, the industrial bosses of America. No more ‘Ask what can I do for my country.’ Instead it will be “What can this country do for me?” Money is the oil that lubricates this great land and we need lots of it!”

“So that we can get lubricated ourselves!” laughs the Exxon man at his own joke.

“Indeed!” agrees Trump. “And should everything go sour then we always have the American tax payer to bail us out. The set up we’ve had since the ’08 Recession has worked out quite fine so far- they pay the taxes and we use them to keep ourselves afloat!”

“Here, here!” say all three men together boisterously.

“Yes!” said the Shell Oil man enthusiastically. “The very best type of Capitalism there is- Socialized Corporate Bailout!”

“Indeed!” agreed Trump. “Nothing like good business practices to make sure the business comes our way!”

“Well, President Trump, it is great to see that you will be steering this country in the right direction, one very different than that Islamic communistic jungle bunny before you did!”

Trump raises his hand in vow, “I will fully fumigate this office, this government and this society of all democratic pestilence and keep it sanctifingly clean for our new religion, that of getting all you can as quickly and easily as you can.”

“Amen, sir, amen!” said the Halliburton man as they all heartily shook hands and left.

Dolly appears at the door again. “Hillary Clinton is on the phone to give her concession.”

“Oh, good! Put her through!” He listens for her voice. When he hears it he yells through the phone “Loser!” and hangs up. He hisses “Bitch!” under his breath.

Shortly there is another buzz. “President Mr. Trump, there is a Mr. LaPierre from the NRA to see you.”

“Good, good! Send him in.”

A moment later the severe face of the President of the National Rifle Association peeks through the door, a plastered smile across his face.

“Hey there, boss man! How is it going?”

“Great Wayne! Just great! Come on in!”

“I wanted to talk to you about what your stance on guns is going to be.”

“Can you sell them?”

“Oh, we sure can!”

“Then my stance is go for it! I am all for free enterprise as long as you ain’t givin’ them away for free!”

LaPierre chuckles at this. “Oh believe me, Mr. President, that is the only freedom we don’t believe in.”

They both laugh.

LaPierre gets serious again. “There is one other….. small…. trivial thing I wanted to discuss with you. I wanted to see if we could make one, small, slight basically insignificant change to the Constitution if you will.”

“What is that?”

“I think it would do the American public good, and our businesses as well, if we were to expand the Second Amendment to state that not only can we bear arms but also bazookas, cannons, tanks, surface to air missiles, personal fighter jets and a number of other personal paraphernalia. We are finding it rather limiting that individuals here are only allowed to have guns. We could also make billions more if they had some of the harder stuff.”

“And what is my cut of it?”

“’What did you say?”

Trump, somewhat louder, “What is my cut of it?”

“Ohh……um….. 15% of the profits…..”

“What is my cut of it?”

“Ahhhh….20% of it……”

“I seem to be having a hard time hearing you.”

“Oh… I said 25%.”

“Hmm, 25%. that is very generous of you. I think we can work with that amount.”

“Oh, thank you President Trump.”

“That’s Mr. Big….”

“Right, right, Mr. Big. Thank you Mr. Big.”
He keeps repeating this and bowing Japanese style as he exits backwards.

Trump pauses for a minute in reflection, then comes back to himself and buzzes Dolly. “Where are those buttons the Generals were showing me yesterday, Toots?”

Dolly comes in and opens up the top drawer of his desk. “Right here Sir.”

“Ahh so! Any bigger and it would have bit me! Thanks.”

She leaves as he sits down at his desk and contemplates the device. He thinks out load. “Now how did they say to set this thing?” He tinkers with it. “Where are those instructions?” He fishes out a big manual. “Green button- alert. Yellow button- setting up launch cycle. Red button- Attack. Oh yeah! And here a knob that lets you pick which country. Portugal, Senegal, Brazil, Luxembourg…..hmm…that is where I had that bad fish dinner and the waiter was rude. I should take them out. They aren’t much good for anything anyway.” He presses the button. “Oops, I probably shouldn’t have done that. Oh well, the EU can pick up the mess.”

The buzzer buzzes. “There are some veterans from the Iraqi War here to see you Mr. President Trump.”

“Oh God!” murmurs The Trump to himself. “Tell them that the welfare office is down the street. If they come again sic the guards on them. I don’t want to be disturbed for a while!”

He sits back and reflects back for a moment, then says “Hey honey! Do you have the remote for the TV here? Thanks doll!”


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Trump Riled He’s Not on Anon’s KKK List

Trump Riled He’s Not on Anon’s KKK List

Presidential hopeful and media prostitute Donald Trump took to Twitter Thursday evening, erupting at not being included in the Hacktivist organization Anonymous’ KKK list.

The billionaire Trump, whose campaign has revolved around deporting over 11 million illegal aliens if he’s elected President, insisted that he was deliberately omitted from the list in an attempt by Anonymous to attack his character. Continue Reading


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Conspiracy Theories – The Website For The Well Informed Paranoiac

Conspiracy Theories – The Website For The Well Informed Paranoiac

Conspiracy Theories is the hard hitting website that isn’t afraid to investigate and expose the dark forces that seek to prey in so many devious ways upon the general publicum. We are here because you need us! We are ever vigilant against those evil people, organizations, nations and cultures that are out to handicap and repress our great American lifestyle.

The following are the dark, sinister plots we have uncovered this week:

Conspiracy Theory # 3,482- Valiant researchers have discovered that dentists around the world have been weaving minute, low grade diamonds into the threads of dental floss for years.

These small specks of the hardest mineral known to man slowly erode the base of teeth with each flossing, eventually leading to the destruction of the enamel protecting their sensitive core.

Once ruined, these teeth provide the dentists with a guaranteed returning customer base. The more teeth filed down by the compromised dental floss, the more the chairs outside their office are filled with fretting patients.

Conspiracy Theories wishes to have these dastardly demolishers of dentin dynamics taken down and dropped into the deepest, dingiest dungeon for their destructive deceptions. And throw in the floss manufacturers for their disgraceful display of depraved deviance as well.

To imagine that this atrocity happened upon American soil makes it all that grimmer of a conspiracy. Who needs head-sawing Muslim terrorists when you have a professional of your own kind willing to destroy your head from the inside out with unscrupulous means?

Conspiracy Theory # 583- Scientists have uncovered a dastardly plot by foreign yogurt makers who are putting an especially aggressive bacteria into their products. The bacteria Lactobacillicus is a live entity that is a necessary part of a healthy intestine. This bacteria keeps the intestines functioning correctly and aid in digestion. The stronger agent being added has such a voraciousness that after digesting the food matter in the intestines it turns and starts feeding on the body itself, causing pains and organ malfunction.

The purpose of this devious undertaking is to weaken and undermine the yuppie element of America who are the main yogurt eaters of America. Most Americans regard the cultured milk product as ‘sissy food’ or weird. The thinking of the evil yogurt producers is that by crippling the yuppies who are the main force behind the computer and high tech industry that they will be helping to sabotage the entire economy of the United States. We hope that this expose will lead to an investigation of these international ‘gut-busters’.

This is but another example of a domestic terrorist plot to help cripple America. Imagine segments of our upper class people all clutching their stomachs in raw agony, screaming for intestinal mercy. The far reaching ramifications of this underhanded act of sabotage could be far reaching. Attacks upon the upper class yogurt eaters could cripple such vital industries as modeling agencies, computer app developers and shopping mall designers. Such underhanded vileness has rarely been fostered upon the American public.


Posted in Crime, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Cuddly Kitten It’sNoCan’t Invents Funny Tales to Amuse Children (Story 2)

Note: I think the following story from an anonymous source is really rather foolish, trite and lacking in serious artistic maturity.

It is excessively fantastical, it is whimsical to the point of nonsensical, and quite frankly, I am tempted to say that the author has all but wasted their time.

I do not see anything in this story other than nonsensical tomfoolery, and a pseudo-artistry which borders on the idiotic. Still, I have decided to print it anyway. See the following link:

Continued from last time:

With a most congenial purr of satisfaction, It’sNoCan’t said:

The Chameleo-Jumpies were responsible for the Great Chameleon Massacre! And their naughty friends, the nasty Hobby-Horsie-Zebra-Giraffists were the chief collaborators of the Chameleon killers!

The babbling babes hanging on the every word of their cuddly friend exploded with laugher. Albeit, sad to say, I use ‘explode’ in a merely figurative sense. After all, I didn’t say this wasn’t a silly story!

With every quaint and amusing fairy tale, the laughter in the open nuclear-and-otherwise bunker got louder and louder. Continue Reading


Posted in Kidz Zone, War Zone0 Comments

Cuddly Kitten It’sNoCan’t Invents Funny Tales to Amuse Children (Story 1)

Note: I think the following story from an anonymous source is really rather foolish, trite and lacking in serious artistic maturity.

It is excessively fantastical, it is whimsical to the point of nonsensical, and quite frankly, I am tempted to say that the author has all but wasted their time.

I do not see anything in this story other than nonsensical tomfoolery, and a pseudo-artistry which borders on the idiotic. Still, I have decided to print it anyway. See the following link:

Critic of feral kitty-kats, non amateur-naughty-story-theorist & professional (-ish!) moderate-political-storyteller Prim-Prim ‘Tall Story’ It’sNoCan’t…

Has recently joked that mutual enemies the Iguana Statists, the Cheeky Cuckoos and the Southpaw Cats Information Agency temporarily put aside their differences recently, and staged the Grand(-iloquently Silly) Funny Street Furfight Massacre.

This notable professional cutiekins giggled and jested, between bouts of spurting out some sloppy gobbings from the saucer of milk cunningly placed by an unknown foreign benefactor… Continue Reading


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Funny Cat Story: Explanation (More Sensible than the Story!)

Funny Cat Story: Explanation (More Sensible than the Story!)

An anonymous source from Romania emailed me the ‘IsNoCan’t’ funny cat story as an example of a typical Eastern European fairy tale.

When they contacted me, they claimed they were following a tip from a former vegetable gardener I had met on Snapchat for an impromptu professional gymnastics investment.

However, my memory is hazy about all of this (partly from the passing of many long and happy years in the recent interim), and I can’t say for sure who the person was.

In any case, my source is some kind of an anonymous person of one sort or another, so I respect their (somewhat) sincerely held artistic convictions… Continue Reading


Posted in Kidz Zone, Strange People0 Comments

Iain Duncan Smith: ‘IDS Saves Disabled from Useless Suffering’ (2/2)

Iain Duncan Smith: ‘IDS Saves Disabled from Useless Suffering’ (2/2)

Don’t underestimate notable ‘quiet man’ Iain Duncan Smith.

I mean, he was critical of Blair’s achingly well-meaning intervention in Afghanistan, so the Tories are obviously nicer than New Labour!

The proof is in the pudding, after all. By their fruits you shall know them…

But enough of the trite cliches. I daresay this is not so much about flamboyant rhetoric.

As a compassionate conservative, I simply cannot just sit there, and see the dysgenic community in such evident distress.

And as I have so often heard from our sickly, effete, well-meaning but ineffective and sentimentally bleeding-heart leftie opponents and enemies: ‘The first principle: Do no harm.’

Now, it is self-evident to all normal, standard-issue, medically and economically valuable, non-disabled people, that anyone afflicted with a dysgenic handicap will inevitably suffer for every moment of their lives.

For after all, this has nothing whatsoever to do with ‘society,’ or so-called ‘economic inequality’ (contradiction in terms!), or ‘prejudice,’ or any of that other tedious and speculative lefty nonsense. No! It is purely because of their genetic destiny.

‘There is no alternative.’ Continue Reading


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Iain Duncan Smith: ‘IDS Saves Disabled from Useless Suffering’ (1/2)

Iain Duncan Smith: ‘IDS Saves Disabled from Useless Suffering’ (1/2)

Iain Duncan Smith has recently shed some Blair tears over disabled people in the UK.

However, believe it or not, most disabled people have been so arrogant and ungrateful as to repudiate his compassionate conservatism!

You know, for too long, the dysgenic community in the UK has been neglected by our government.

Let us never forget that in addition to perfectly normal, non-disabled people, there are also some Untermenschen among us, and this is simply too important to ignore.

No, it is absolutely unacceptable that we should merely leave the dysgenic community and its various individual integral synthetic components alone.

Such shameless neglect has caused a great deal of trouble in my nation.

No, let no-one ever be so cowardly and selfish as to assume that, as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone. Continue Reading


Posted in Human Interest, World News0 Comments

Have You Heard About Dyzastra?

Have You Heard About Dyzastra?

Have you been feeling sluggish lately? Why not try Dyzastra? (“Di-ZAH-Struh”)

Do you have a spare tire around your middle that you’d like to get rid of? How about trying Dyzastra?

Stomach pain, the common cold and restless leg syndrome are no match for Dyzastra.

Do you have toenail fungus that just won’t go away? Maybe it’s time you tried Dyzastra.

Dyzastra is perfect for just about anything that ails you. Thinning hair, chronic lower back pain, indigestion, arthritis, pinkeye? Dyzastra can help. And Dyzastra can do so much more.

Dyzastra can lower blood pressure, reverse the effects of diabetes, heart disease and cancer, and even improve your memory. Gingivitis, halitosis, constipation? They’re all things of the past, thanks to Dyzastra.

If you’re suffering from asthma, eczema, sore throat, depression, or illusions of grandeur, ask yourself one question: “Why haven’t I tried Dyzastra?”

Do you find that you get easily annoyed from reading a long list of questions about Dyzastra? Then ask your doctor if Dyzastra is right for you.

[Possible side effects from using Dyzastra include nasal discharge, nausea, sudden loss of appetite and fatigue. Other side effects may include itching, rash, dry mouth, drowsiness and dizziness. Consult your doctor if you notice internal bleeding or sudden bouts of unconsciousness while driving. People using Dyzastra have sometimes experienced prolonged periods of rage and an uncontrollable desire to drink paint. In rare cases, people using Dyzastra have been known to experience confusion about their sexual orientation and a fear of the number five. Stop taking Dyzastra if you suspect that everyone is out to kill you or if you experience an inexplicable desire to vote for Donald Trump. If you have difficulty making counterclockwise motions, stop taking Dyzastra. If you plan to engage in sexual activity, please consult a physician before taking Dyzastra. Do not take Dyzastra if you have ever been to Europe or plan to in the future. People taking Dyzastra may sometimes experience a temporary loss of speech, hearing and ability to swallow. In rare cases, Dyzastra has been associated with an urge to perform dance numbers from the musical Godspell in inappropriate settings like board meetings. Do not use Dyzastra within 48 hours of consuming meat, seafood, cheese, dairy products or any food containing sugar. People who take Dyzastra for longer than seven days may experience weight gains of 30 to 50%. Other possible side effects may include insomnia, deep sadness for the nation of Bolivia or paranoid feelings that their mail carrier’s girlfriend is trying to kill them. You may experience a sudden fear of anything round, especially clocks, pies and full moons. People taking Dyzastra may attempt to take drastic action to deport people who are more attractive than themselves. In rare cases, taking Dyzastra can be fatal, particularly when ingested with rat poison or anything from the menu at Olive Garden. People taking Dyzastra should avoid sudden movements – or slow movements. In fact, it’s probably best if you just stay in bed and watch Sesame Street while taking this medication. Consult your doctor if you experience any of the following symptoms while taking Dyzastra: heartburn, diarrhea, or sexual arousal upon seeing photos of Steve Buscemi. Do not take Dyzastra if you’re Bulgarian or saw the movie Sharknado and actually liked it. Dyzastra is not recommended for people who are Jewish or who have ever dated a Jewish person or are worried they might someday turn into a Jewish mother. If you are pregnant or have been in eye contact with someone you suspect might be pregnant, do not take Dyzastra. Left-handed people are advised not to take Dyzastra while watching TV. Do not apply Dyzastra directly to your genital area – or to house plants. It will kill a hydrangea within minutes. People using Dyzastra for long periods may forget how to spell their own name, construct coherent sentences or count past three. In rare cases, Dyzastra may cause users to mistake their smart phone for a Belgian waffle. Dyzastra is not currently available in states containing the letters “A” or “I” in their name. It is not suitable for young children, teens, adults or seniors or anyone who does not enjoy acute abdominal pain. Dyzastra has not yet been approved by the FDA for use with humans, but so far it appears to be harmless to lower life forms like sea anemones. For a comprehensive list of possible side effects, Google ‘horrible side effects caused by Dyzastra.’]

So what are you waiting for? Ask your doctor about Dyzastra. It just might change your life in ways you couldn’t imagine.


Posted in Biz News, Health0 Comments

WikiLeaks Gets An Inside Look At Assad’s “Historic” Meeting With Putin

WikiLeaks Gets An Inside Look At Assad’s “Historic” Meeting With Putin

The famed web expose site WikiLeaks scored a mammoth coup this week with its hidden camera surveillance of the Assad/Putin meeting in Moscow.

The leader of Syria and the President of Russia were presumably meeting to discuss their mutual concerns about the rebellion in Syria. The hidden tapes revealed much more than that.

The following is a direct transcript of the meeting of the two dictators translated into English: Continue Reading


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Catholic Congressman Steals Pope’s Water Glass

Catholic Congressman Steals Pope’s Water Glass

WASHINGTON – Congressman James Bath took advantage of his proximity to Pope Francis during his address to Congress to steal the Pope’s water glass and gulp some of the sacred Washington, DC tap water.

Luckily when the Pope’s throat went dry during his speech to Congress a quick-witted intern replaced the glass with a fresh one.

Bath explained: “It’s well worth it to break one of God’s Ten Holy Commandments in order to save my soul and the souls of my family by dousing myself and my family in the Pope’s holy water.”
“Because I have to be sure that it really is the Pope’s glass, I am having it tested for fingerprints and DNA —using devoutly Catholic forensic specialists naturally. If the immortal souls of these forensic scientists are also saved via their contact with this holy water glass — I won’t call it a holy grail exactly— I don’t have a problem with that. I suppose they deserve it.” Continue Reading


Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism0 Comments

Jeb Bush: I’m Not ‘White!’ Just a Regular Guy! (2/2)

Jeb Bush: I’m Not ‘White!’ Just a Regular Guy! (2/2)

The old story continues:


Uh-uh-uhhh! I am Jeb Bush, and I’m not white.

Forget it! I’m just a standard-issue regular guy, like every one of you.

I mean, it’s great how we can just mingle here as though we were equals… uh, I mean, AS equals.

Well, that’s the great thing about America. You or me can just walk up to any other standard-issue Average Joe in Wall Street or the snake-oil industry, and make ourselves at home.

I don’t know any other country where I could just, you know, walk in, and have a beer with my buddies like we were old friends or something!

Hm! No wonder the freakin’ liberals want to change that, and make some sort of… Continue Reading


Posted in Human Interest, Politics0 Comments

Jeb Bush: I’m Not ‘White!’ Just a Regular Guy! (1/2)

Jeb Bush: I’m Not ‘White!’ Just a Regular Guy! (1/2)

The achingly well-meaning notable 3.0 du jour has put his foot in it again. Just read his comments at the recent ‘White Community-Black Community GOP Competitive Co-operation 1000 Dollar Dinner’ in the Seattle Hilton.

You know what, I want to address all you black folks somewhere out there in the audience, and thank you all from the bottom of my coffers… uh, my heart.

Because you guys are more or less exactly my kind of people, and I know you just wouldn’t be here if you weren’t supportive of my agenda… uh, my program.

I really mean that, with all my heart. It’s a bit like, well, you remember that achingly sincere video where John McCain congratulated… uh, what’s that guy’s name again? Continue Reading


Posted in Human Interest, Politics0 Comments

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