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Richest 1% Buys U.S. Military to Protect them from Other 99% of Society

Richest 1% Buys U.S. Military to Protect them from Other 99% of Society

In a surprising development, the upper 1% of the richest Americans have purchased the entire U.S. military to protect them from the other 99% that they lord over.

All troops except those actively engaging an enemy somewhere in the world have been called back to bases in the U.S.

“This is a change of monumental proportions!” stated US Today.

“This could bring about an international catastrophe!” cried CNN. Continue Reading


Posted in Society0 Comments

Gingrich Pleads for More Pragmatism, Less Dogmatism on Stalin/Gulags Issue

Gingrich Pleads for More Pragmatism, Less Dogmatism on Stalin/Gulags Issue

Newt Gingrich, the GOP Ideas Man™ is dissatisfied with polarised views on Stalin’s allegedly atrocious human rights abuses, and he fears that a failure to compromise is holding back progress for the USA.

And actually, he’s taken care (once more) to inform us of where we are all going wrong:

Ok, you know, so here we are…

Yes, one side says that Stalin was an appalling and brutal monster, one of the most wicked and most callous people in history….

Despicable and depraved through and through, yes.

I mean, utterly lacking in any positive human qualities that anyone could conceivably attribute to any political leader, or even any person of basically decent character…

Yeah, some kind of Democrat-on-crack, a hobnailed big government mass-murderer!

But the other side says that he was a hero, some kind of virtuous, pristine and thoroughly admirable demi-god, who is absolutely and entirely beyond any criticism whatsoever…

Yes, the International Proletariat made flesh, and having his tabernacle among us. The Almighty and Beneficent God of the workers, except with a Wally Walrus mustache instead of a Prophet’s beard.

So you see? We’ve got two very dogmatic positions, no hint of a compromise, it’s idealism over pragmatism.

But you know what? I’m an ideas man, I like taking a practical perspective, so that we don’t get bogged down in futile accusations and counter-accusations, and the politics of disagreement.

Yes… I mean, if we both stick dogmatically to these entrenched positions, it’s pretty difficult to see how we can move on and form a consensus.

For sure. So let’s be practical here; what about we say, OK granted, Stalin did some pretty unpleasant things, but on the other hand, he had a few achievements too, yeah? Right?

I mean, why don’t we just seek the middle ground, and quit just slinging mud at each other, purely because of our own rigid preconceptions and prejudices?

(Goddayum! TM broke!)

But not everyone is impressed with Gingrich’s “open-minded” approach:

“You know what?” says Professor Noam Chomsky, the Visiting Professor in (Kinda) Non-Marxist Dialectics and also Non-Hierarchical Vice-Turnip-Puller of the Massachussetts Socialist Commune Cadre Educative Studyhouse:

“This is old news. This is what Principled Left-wing Intellectuals™ (ah, TM fix!) have been saying for years.”

Prominent political analyst and commentator Ted Nugent is also unimpressed:

“If Newt “RINO” Gingrich wants to be a despicable apologist for those evil, ungodly Soviets, well why doesn’t he just go and live in the Soviet Union? Hell, I’ll buy him a plane ticket myself™!”

Well, nice to see Ted has been keeping up with the news in recent decades.


Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

Kerry Orders Airstrikes on Charlie

Kerry Orders Airstrikes on Charlie

Everybody (more or less) seems to love Charlie, the moody animated horse from Sugarcandy Mountain; yet, it seems he hasn’t got a friend in John Kerry, as you’ll read.

Really? Can that really be possible? Well, Kerry has been spitting fire and brimstone over this despicable criminal and Enemy of the Free World™: Continue Reading


Posted in Crooked Cops, Kidz Zone, Strange People0 Comments

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

One or two people might have been offended by the information included in my recent scoop on the Dalai Lama’s views on war crimes. Unfortunately, no apology or clarification from His Exalted Phatness has been forthcoming…

Instead, I have a second blunder to report (with all the wide-eyed sincerity a cynical satirical hack can muster).
Well, what is it this time?

Hmm… everybody’s favourite non-judgmental, peaceful and achingly groovy religious leader has given a word from the wise to all those bigoted, ignorant, lawless and unenlightened folks who look down on heroin dealers. Continue Reading


Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime, Religionism3 Comments

God to Withhold Prayer Requests From Cor Jesu High School Administrators Since Firing of Gay Teachers

God to Withhold Prayer Requests From Cor Jesu High School Administrators Since Firing of Gay Teachers

ST. LOUIS – Explaining that he had, “literally no idea what they were thinking,” deity of the Catholic Church and contributing author Yahweh said in a press release he would no longer be accepting prayer requests from officials at Cor Jesu Academy in reaction to their firing of two homosexual teachers.

“I’m sorry, I really am, but I just can not, in good conscious, continue to cure the sick, pick winning lottery numbers, and alter the outcome of sporting events if the request comes from members of such an institution. These sanctions are both warranted and necessary.” Continue Reading


Posted in Religionism, Society0 Comments

Pat Robertson “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions

Pat Robertson “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions

After a lull of a few years, Pat Robertson has put his theometerology hat back on again.

Yes… Pastor Pat has yet another new theory to contribute for why the USA has experienced extreme weather conditions in recent years.

How so? Well, it turns out that God is just not a Belieber.

“Well… I don’t want to say for sure whether the Lord is punishing the USA because of this fine young man’s singing.

“I mean, I’m not gonna tell you to whom you shall listen and to whom you shall not. That is your choice, but I will just say this…

“Yes, if there is a nation in this world where certain young men wander from venue to venue and make these shrill demonic sounds, and no-one is there to say, “Hey, the People of God are not standing for this…

“Well, I’m not gonna be dogmatic… and say that the Lord is sending extreme weather conditions for this cause. But nevertheless, oftentimes the thought has indeed occurred to some good solid Christian folks… well, I will leave it to you to decide what you think.” (Sorry, my ™ button just broke).

But these comments have enraged several theological experts of a more liberal religious bent.

“No, no, no!” says Nancy Pelosi. “That’s not the God I worship! How cruel! I mean, hating on Bieber! No way!”

Oprah Winfrey concurs: “I mean, I’m with you Pelosi, I’m pretty vague on what God I worship, but it sure isn’t that one!”

Pelosi and Oprah’s views are by no means unrepresentative among those of a more clerical background:

“Shame on this man!” thunders mild-mannered Episcopalian John Shelby Spong, spitting fire and brimstone:

“I mean, for shame! This is why so many people think God is a murderous tyrant. A world without catchy pop-tunes, that would be Hell on Earth! Not being opportunistic here; but you see what I mean about Heaven and Hell being on this earth and not some far-off beyond?”

And even Bill O’Reilly, a Traditional Catholic™, is absolutely livid at the Pastor’s words:

“You know what! I have absolutely no idea why Pastor Robertson said that. Right? It’s unbelievable! It’s incredible! Just incredible…

“I mean, if God wanted to punish us for that kid, and make the punishment fit the crime, he would just have flattened this whole continent with a snap of his fingers!”

However, Pope Francis has rebuked Pelosi (again) for bringing the Church’s name into disrepute:

“Of course I agree that Justin Bieber’s music is an abomination,” says His Holiness, with the utmost gravity. “Why would God not think so too?”


Posted in Music, Religionism0 Comments

Straight-A Med Student Eager to Have Very Own Patients Who Completely Ignore Her Advice

Straight-A Med Student Eager to Have Very Own Patients Who Completely Ignore Her Advice

COLUMBIA – Expressing that there would be, “No greater conceivable opportunity [for her] to help others,” top-of-her-class medical student and part-time brownnoser Isabelle Wessington says she eagerly anticipates a future career in which she, like the many successful physicians she looks up to, will have her very own patients who ignore nearly all health-related advice she gives them. Continue Reading


Posted in Education, Human Interest1 Comment

H.H. Dalai Lama: War Crimes Are Matter of Context

H.H. Dalai Lama: War Crimes Are Matter of Context

Everybody knows that unlike all the “Abrahamic Religions”™ like Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Baha’i, Rastafarianism, etc., Buddhism is in a class of its own.

But why? Obviously, because people belonging to all other religions have practiced patriarchy, homophobia, racism, and the odd spot of religious persecution…

On the other hand, as every herb-smoking New Age traveler knows in their heart, Buddhism is the one religion on earth where there has never been a war, or any sort of persecution, prejudice or discrimination whatsoever.

However, this universally acknowledged common sense fact is becoming increasingly difficult to square with some of the more erratic rulings recently attributed to the entirely authoritative and infallible teachings of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, known to countless beer-addled student activists as H.H.

(No, I mean really infallible, not like the Pope, who is only called infallible; and who is not ACTUALLY infallible. Learn the difference, chip!)

Well, what did the world’s most peaceful, non-discriminatory, and non-political religious leader have to say that has provoked such opprobrium? The Dalai Lama has stated that looting, pillaging and burning villages may be acceptable in a military context if it is not done in a spirit of rage and malice.

“Now, as I have so often said, my way is a middle way™. If you are motivated to commit some kind of war atrocity out of fear, anger or a general negative attitude™ towards the villagers, this is bad karma™, indeed a serious error.

“Yes, this will considerably hinder your progress (unless, perhaps, an enlightened figure will bestow some merit on you). But if your action is motivated by compassion™, or at least by a certain detachment™, a dispassionate motivation™, then your action may have few or no negative karmic consequences™.”

These remarks have caused outrage among many observers; at least among some people who are not currently in a soporific George-Harrison-LP-induced daze. An anonymous source in China says:

“Well, we have been telling the world for years about this man, about how he is a liar and a charlatan. Now the mask has slipped, and he has shown his true colors. Maybe now fewer people will be fooled.”

Still, Richard Gere has stepped up to defend his buddy and spiritual comrade-in-arms:

“You know, it shows you how little respect people have for His Holiness when people are queuing up to disparage him™ in this way. This is a man of peace™, you know like Nelson Mandela, Che Guevara, Hugo Chavez, Kim Il-Sung, all these people.”

Well, OK. Glad that’s settled then.


Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism5 Comments

GOP End of Days Panic: Rick Perry Declares Himself the Anti-Reagan

GOP End of Days Panic: Rick Perry Declares Himself the Anti-Reagan

The GOP is getting worried about outside infiltration and even supernatural omens, as rumor has it that Rick Perry has revealed himself to aides as the literal anti-Reagan.

No need to worry about fire and brimstone, signs in the Heavens, and the standard apocalyptic phenomena which might conceivably be interpreting as heralding the end of days for some Republicans, as you’ll read.

There is a perfectly innocent (well, more-or-less innocent) explanation. Here’s what Rick has to say about the latest development in the War Against Reagan:

“Yes, it’s true. You’ve heard it. I’m the anti-Reagan. I do declare it. What does this mean? Well, Reagan began as a film star and then became more famous as a politician. But my career trajectory has gone in the opposite direction; I am a politician whose entire fame and fortune is founded on one short video from my election campaign. THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Sorry about that, it does that every couple minutes. Yes, one great video. How many Democrats can say that about their careers? Or even Republicans? How about you, Rand Paul™? Huh? You may think you are a bit special™, a cut above™, a bit different from the rest of us in the GOP™, but how many viral videos with countless parodies have you made? THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Wow, that’s really annoying, sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah. Hell, even Arnie; who is he? How many people watch Jingle all the Way, except when their kids get sick on the couch in December and you’re too drunk on Christmas spirits to care? But my media creation has stood the test of time. It doesn’t take a whole studio™ to make a video, it takes just one talented individual™. THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Not sure if I’m being Punk’d or something. Texas has a ‘tough on crime’ governor, unless you elect some soft liberal after I’m gone. It really is pretty annoying and I’m sorry how this interview must be THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Okay, again, how many Democrats or Republicans have ever achieved what I have achieved in the cinematic world? My video from that elections campaign, it’s got me, it’s got everything, an entire glorious technicolor universe of just about everything the heart could desire or contemplate: gays, the military, gays in the military™, militant gays™, educational issues, religion, politics, religious politics and the politics of religion; and did I mention gays in the military™x5,000? Phew! Wow!

“Oh, and militant gays™x10,000 too! I mean, it’s like the whole damn universe condensed into about three short minutes! Forget about Hollywood, have you ever seen a Hollywood film that is so vast and encyclopedic in its scope, yet lasts a shorter time than it takes to microwave a sandwich? Well? THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.”

I guess this means that Rick Perry always has something to fall back on. Well, if they ever make a film of Ronald Reagan, they will have to pick someone else, as it sounds like Perry is more into artsy-fartsy tableau miniatures, not mainstream stuff to be shown in standard cine-plexes.

Or he could pull a Tom Delay and go on Dancing with the Stars, or a Rod Blagojevic and take a spot on Celebrity Survivor.

With his talent for such an elevated form of cinematic production, he might even be able to continue his cinematic career in France, “le pays de la culture™”, although I guess we’d better not tell him that.


Posted in Crime, Politics2 Comments

Rand and Rev. Al Share the Pie Equally, Dems and Reps Unimpressed

Rand and Rev. Al Share the Pie Equally, Dems and Reps Unimpressed

Senator Rand Paul and Reverend Al Sharpton have shown some interparty solidarity and cut up a blueberry pie™ into equal slices at a dialogue and lunch event.

“Hey listen, this man Senator Rand Paul is great!” gushes Reverend Al:

“I mean, I haven’t seen such mutual engagement and co-operation for a long time! We can work with this man alright! And that blueberry pie; oh my gosh, I’ve never had such succulent blue-sky-colored berries and crusty pastry… wow! Continue Reading


Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Coloradoans Now Even Bigger A**holes Since Start Of Legalized Pot

Coloradoans Now Even Bigger A**holes Since Start Of Legalized Pot

The wonder mellower-outer cannabis, always said to have a positive, tranquilizing affect on its users, has unfortunately not had such an effect on the normally ego-centered Coloradoans who recently legalized use of it.

“Criminy,” said Jim Bames, over the road trucker who delivers freight from Kansas to Colorado regularly “I thought that stuff was supposed to mellow you out! Why them guys now are worse than ever. They was plain old jerks before. Now that they’s smoked up they’s is now super jerks!” Continue Reading


Posted in Health, Human Interest0 Comments

College Senior More Concerned With Zombie Apocalypse Than Future

College Senior More Concerned With Zombie Apocalypse Than Future

University if Missouri, Columbia — Despite his mounting college debt and lack of employment, college senior Brent Hamilton appears to be more troubled by the prospect of a zombie apocalypse than his imminent future.

“Brent’s always been a little eccentric, but lately all he talks about is a potential zombie outbreak,” revealed Devin Carter, Brent’s roommate for the past two years.

“He can’t even walk to class without pointing out which buildings are deathtraps and whether or not a facility is perfect for undead sniping. The guy didn’t even consider going to the job fair because it was being held in the Mizzou Rec Complex. Continue Reading


Posted in Health, Strange People0 Comments

Pelosi gets tough on Pope Francis regime

Pelosi gets tough on Pope Francis regime

It seems not everybody is charmed by Pope Francis. Indeed, one prominent US politician, Nancy Pelosi, is planning very stern measures to punish what she considers to be the brutal and savage policies and order of governance by His Holiness.

In a tearful Youtube video that Britney Spears has already endorsed, Pelosi explains: “The Church humiliated me™ because of my Principled Liberal Moral Stances™. Continue Reading


Posted in Politics, Religionism5 Comments

Sex Ed Declared Gross and Bad

Sex Ed Declared Gross and Bad

Oakland, Indiana — Sexual Education is a course dealing with human sexuality, including anatomy, reproduction, health, and reproductive rights and responsibilities.

The topic of whether or not sexual education should be instructed in public schools is still highly controversial and a common debate even in 2014.

Jefferson Middle School recently adapted a semester long Sex Ed course required for all seventh graders. This decision received a lot of backlash from angry parents who subsequently demanded a public forum with the Oakland City Schools board to explain their side of things. Continue Reading


Posted in Education, Health1 Comment

Cat Owners Have Hissy Fit Over New Ice Bucket Challenge

Cat Owners Have Hissy Fit Over New Ice Bucket Challenge

A new twist on the popular Facebook Ice Bucket Challenge, which raises money for Lou Gehrig’s Disease, has animal rights activists up in arms, legs and paws alike.

The trend, which started amongst celebrities and athletes and spread to Facebook, involves the participants dumping a bucket of ice or ice water over their heads and posting a video of it online to openly challenge their friends and foes to do the same. Continue Reading


Posted in Human Interest, Society36 Comments

Sex Crazed Teens “Syruping” Leads to Genital Ants

Sex Crazed Teens “Syruping” Leads to Genital Ants

One invariable about teens is that, whether raised in the abstinence-only belt of high teen birth rates, or normal states, kids be getting down and dirty.

This latest crazy craze involves young girls, often those from the flag team, dousing their young male counterparts, often from track or football teams, with various sugary syrups in advance of intimate encounters. Continue Reading


Posted in Health, Kidz Zone0 Comments

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