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Muslims Couldn’t Care Less About Trump’s Edgy Religious Conversions

Muslims Couldn’t Care Less About Trump’s Edgy Religious Conversions

Donald Trump has recently decided to further alienate Muslims by staging a controversial religious conversion.

Or rather, a whole sevenfold string of counterfeit conversions. However, his plan appears to have backfired.

Trump decided to convert to the Baha’i, Yazidi, Mandaean, Druze, Ahmadiyya Muslim, Zoroastrian and Baha’i faiths.

Now although Fox News are probably not going to be saying much about this any time soon, the Middle East does actually have quite a number of long-standing religious traditions. Some of these faiths are considered heterodox forms of Islam, or at least historically related to Islam. And others, like the Zoroastrian faith, are much more independent traditions.

Trump had hoped that by converting to a variety of faiths that were either other than Islam, or outside of the traditional Islamic mainstream, he could irritate Muslims even more than he has done up to now.

So I did a quick survey.

Ayatollah Khameini (Iran):

Nope! No change in my opinion whatsoever!

King Salman (Saudi Arabia):

Huh! I feel exactly the same way as I did before!

Trump shouts:

Hey! That’s sooo cheating! Why don’t you ask some secular leaders instead of these lousy theocrat guys?

Hm. Fine then!

President Assad:

Once a loser, always a loser.

President Sisi (OK, technically North Africa; but Trump doesn’t care!):

Why on earth would anything Donald Trump says or does now make me hate him any more than I already do?!

Trump remained buoyant.

Hey listen, Wallace, Wallace, the Muslims love me, they just love me! Just like the Mexicans!

Ah-ha, ha. Um, OK…

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Ben Carson: Episcopalians are WORSE than ISIS!

Ben Carson: Episcopalians are WORSE than ISIS!

Ben Carson has recently made another epic Godwin fail. But who has had the dire misfortune of incurring his wrath this time?

Episcopalians & ISIS. One is a thuggish gang of jackbooted religious sectarians who want to undermine and destabilize our culture so the whole world can be exactly like them.

The other is a flamboyant gang of well-groomed cloak-swishing effeminates who are having a scandalous impact on the spiritual wellbeing of this world!

Well, I’ll let you all try and guess which is which.

(Psst… channelling Pat Robertson much?)

But look, let me tell you this, my friends. The evil agenda of the Episcopalians must be halted in its tracks. You know, Fox News, Breitbart, American Thinker, Free Republic and other equivocating, compromizing, centre-leaning liberal media outlets have at least made a little bit of an effort to point out the unspeakably vicious and unimaginably vile atrocities perpetrated by ISIS, such as:

Denying the infallible and literal verbal inspiration of the Holy Bible.

Discouraging the study of legitimate religious texts and authorities. 

Preventing the right kind of Gospel being preached in Iraq and Syria.

And curiously enough, these are EXACTLY THE SAME CRIMES the Episcopalians are committing!

And not only this: although as unbelieving pagans, ISIS will inevitably be destroyed and sink under the wrath of a righteous and just and loving God who (believe me!) has more than enough moral courage to condemn even those who have never heard; and yet, for precisely this reason, the Episcopalian infidels and apostates from the true Gospel, these fools and blasphemers who ought to know better, are bringing upon themselves an even greater damnation.

Now surely, undermining the authority of the Bible is in itself more than sufficient justification for eternal damnation. But worse still: undermining the Constitution, by giving new privileges and worst of all, new rights to sodomites? Has anything more horrendous than this ever but once entered the immeasurably sinful and wicked and thrice-damnable heart of fallen man?

And yet, our decadent Marxist media are reluctant to condemn the devils in our midst. They see the mote, the mere speck or atom of dust in the eyes of ISIS, but they are entirely lacking the moral courage which would identify the blazing forest of wickedness and debauchery that abides among the vile and ineffably abominable Episcopalian heretics among us.

To sum up?

Yes! You got it!

Religious superstition and pious priestcraft are EVEN WORSE than slavery.

And if you understand that, you’ll surely understand with the greatest of ease, the difference between me and my GOP comrades, versus these ridiculous Episcopalian lunatics that are in our midst today.

 

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My Plan to Donate My Powerball Jackpot Winnings to the Kids in Africa

Powerball jackpot - Tim with kidsI was really bummed to learn that I did not win the recent $1.6 billion Powerball jackpot. I was so close to winning it all. I was only off by four or five numbers. Drat! It took me a while to overcome the shock and disappointment of my razor thin loss.But after a week of eating nothing but cookie dough ice cream and Double Stuff Oreos by the sleeve, I was able to get out of bed and face the reality that my near term future would not include a castle surrounded by an alligator-filled moat after all.

My deep despair got me to thinking: What would I do if I actually won the billion dollar jackpot? I reflected on this question for what seemed like hours but was actually the duration of a TV commercial about hemorrhoid cream. I wrote down a list of things that I would do with the money if I were lucky enough to win.

I’m not hinting that my incredible list of philanthropic plans makes me a better person than you. I’m not hinting anything at all. Let me spell it out for you. I’m a way better person than you – at least I will be, once I get my hands on that money.

As someone who is profoundly deep and constantly reflects on the meaning of life whenever I’m not hungry, I realize I have been given a great amount over the course of my life – starting with two (occasionally) wonderful daughters. But there are so many others who have been given far less. So, if I were to win the Powerball jackpot, it would be my heartfelt desire to travel to Africa to provide food and clothing to all the starving children of that great nation. (I’m pretty sure Africa is a nation). And I would build them a modern school with clean, safe running water, and give each child their very own iPad, pre-loaded with both Minecraft and Candy Crush – for educational purposes only. I would do this because, let’s face it, it’s all about the kids. And I already have everything I need…

Powerball jackpot - CarsExcept for a private jet. Yeah, I would love to get me one of those babies – um, so that I could transport food and clothing to the starving kids in Africa, of course. And my jet would come with a scantily clad female flight attendant with a sexy British accent, and she’d serve me Martinis. I don’t even like Martinis, but who cares? And just as soon as I got my private jet, I would immediately get to work on helping those starving, shabbily dressed kids in Africa…

Right after I bought myself one of those solid platinum smart phones like the type the bad guy has in a Bond film – right before Bond kisses the bad guy’s girlfriend and leaps into the bad guy’s stainless steel Lamborghini – which just happens to have the keys in it. And as soon as I got my platinum smart phone, I would conference call a team of helpers to fly over to Africa in advance of my arrival, to start feeding and clothing those needy, half-naked kids.

With a billion dollars, just think about how many disadvantaged kids in Africa I could help. And I would rush to their rescue on my sweet new 100-foot luxury yacht, complete with its own surfing pool – oh, and a helipad – so that my new celebrity friends could drop in as my yacht is cruising the Pacific Ocean, somewhere between Vanuatu and Tonga – which, now that I think of it, probably have a lot of kids who could use some food and clothing, too.

You see, if I win the next Powerball jackpot, I believe in giving back to those who are far needier than I – so long as they give this post a Like on Facebook, otherwise they’re dead to me. Those starving, stark naked kids are my Number One priority, absolutely… once I get my first billion dollars…

Number one, that is, right after I buy myself a couple of masterpiece paintings. I’m thinking perhaps an original Picasso. I’m really not all that particular as to which one – so long as it has a woman with at least three eyes and four breasts. It would go nicely in my man cave next to my Seahawks lava lamp.

But as soon as that painting is in place and my indoor bowling alley is built, I’ll be on the phone lickety-split, making sure nothing gets in the way of my helping those poor starving kids wherever the heck they are…

Powerball jackpot - hover cartOh, and my own wild animal park. Nothing too fancy. Just big enough for all my elephants, giraffes, zebras and lions to roam around in – oh and one of those cool safari lodges where your bed is under the stars, and you have Tiki torches – with armed guards to make sure no rhinos attack while you’re sleeping. Maybe I could hire some of those starving kids to guard the perimeter.

And once I have bought all of these necessities, nothing will keep me from placing a few calls to see if someone can airlift a couple crates of corn or millet or maybe some Huggies to those kids in Peru or Cambodia or West Virginia or wherever they are.

My point is, I care about the kids. Not sure which country’s kids at the moment, but it will come to me later. I just hope I win the next billion-dollar Powerball jackpot. Because I have some great ideas for how to use all that dough to buy some incredibly awesome toys – um, for the kids. It’s all about the kids.

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Expanded Release of Free Religious Satire Compilation: ‘I Shouldn’t Do God!’ (2/2)

Expanded Release of Free Religious Satire Compilation: ‘I Shouldn’t Do God!’ (2/2)

6. A Z GRIMSBY SLAYS THE DRAGON

Ain’t no atheist like a disenchantment-community atheist…? Well,  an outraged A Z Grimsby does indeed insist on holding forth on the purely irrational and frivolously superstitious basis of children’s toys, especially cuddly fictive animals.

I mean take dragons for example, they may be cuddly and funny and comfy and gloriously colored, flamboyantly patterned, and so on.

But they have absolutely nothing whatsoever, nothing IN THE LEAST to do with science as we now understand it.

Yes, well, if you tell your children that there MIGHT JUST be such a thing as a dragon, even leaving the question slightly open, you are giving the irrationalists an inch…

And they will undoubtedly take a mile. Or indeed ten!

Continue Reading

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Expanded Release of Free Religious Satire Compilation: ‘I Shouldn’t Do God!’ (1/2)

Expanded Release of Free Religious Satire Compilation: ‘I Shouldn’t Do God!’ (1/2)

I’ve recently re-released the first volume of my fake news satire compilation series, Wallace Runnymede Satire Catastrophes. More Wallace Runnymede Satire Catastrophes volumes will follow from Spring 2016 onwards. But for now, volume 1, I Shouldn’t Do God, is a somewhat expanded one in comparison to the earlier version of this same first volume of this exciting ongoing series. And it’s free too!

Also, I have recently managed to get Reflections In & Out of Season, the accompanying volume to The Great Flâneur Massacre, brought down to free again too. And as for The Great Flâneur Massacre, this is still 99 cents, or similar in other currencies, depending on the location of the vendor! These latter two books are also available from the same ebook outlets as below. See more information at: http://wallacerunnymede.com/category/ebooks-2/

1. WHY SHOULDN’T I DO GOD?

My recent tribute essay to Charlie Hebdo, serialised on Glossy News. Links to Glossy News originals for each of the instalments here, and links to the Wallace Runnymede republication of the essay here.

2. UNPRECEDENTED VATICAN SCANDAL: GERMAN INFIDEL CANONIZED

The Vatican, like the Pope, should be infallible, but what happens when even infallible institutions slip up the odd time, and canonize people who have no right in hell to such an accolade?

If this is to stand, we might have to canonize other great, virtuous and saintly figures such as:

Buddha, Quetzalcoatl, Sri Krishna, Mungai, Amaterasu, Laozi, Adi Shankara, Hercules, Guru Nanak, the Dalai Lama, Elmer Gantry, Arius, Sabellius, Basilides, Valentinus, Simon Magus, Martin Luther…

3. DALAI LAMA SUES CANON WELBY

Continue Reading

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Conspiracy Theories #4 – Enough To Write A Book About

Conspiracy Theories #4 – Enough To Write A Book About

Conspiracy Theories #4 – Enough To Write A Book About

Conspiracy Theories is the hard hitting website that isn’t afraid to investigate and expose the dark forces that seek to prey in so many devious ways upon the general publicum. We are here because you need us! We are ever vigilant against those evil people, organizations, nations and cultures that are out to handicap and repress our great American lifestyle.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
The following are the dark, sinister plots we have uncovered this week:

Conspiracy Theory #9204 – You expect threats from enemies overseas. You expect them from drug gangs, from international racketeering outfits, from hate groups and religious fanatics. But you don’t expect them from your nearest neighbor, someone you trusted for years and built a relationship with. But you should.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that nearest and dearest neighbor of ours has turned out to be a Brutus, stabbing us in the back even as it smiles in our face. Dear readers, it is with the most extreme of difficulty and regret that we here at Conspiracy Theories must inform you that Canada, our brother to the north, has been running a threat to our well being that has gone on for some time now.
And what, pray tell, could those soft spoken, seemingly well balanced and happy Kanucks possibly have done to us, you ask?
Movable borders.

 

Yes, movable borders.

Something the Mexicans never thought of.

For decades our so-called neighbors to the north have been going out at night an digging deep at the foundations of the minimal fence we have separating us and, once free of its base, moving it a few feet further south every night.
Ingenious!
So far our bastardly border bandit has managed to gain three miles of true blue American soil that can now be called true red Canadian. Several farm owners have awakened one morning to find themselves the citizens of another country and been forced to give allegiance to them. The Kanucks are even so under handed as to uproot the U.S. sentry posts with the sentries sleeping inside and move them imperceptibly a few meters south (we must use meters here as that is the only measurement that the Kanucks understand).
American officials finally got wise to this outrageous scam when the Bargemont, Idaho post office suddenly found itself in Alberta.
Tense negotiations have gone on in the days since the discovery of this fiasco between Canadian and U.S. border authorities, but have come to nothing. The Canadians just say “the borders have always been there” while glancing wistfully up into the air and start humming the Canadian anthem to themselves. Americans who find themselves trapped on the other side often do not protest their plight as the men are bribed with having any slender, well rounded Canadian damsel they want and the Yank women with having any hunky Canadian male they want with a case of domestic Scotch thrown in.
More on this as it develops.

Conspiracy Theory #6583 – A number of Mexican food manufacturers have conspired to infiltrate the very bodies we live in here in America and make our lives thereby miserable.
The beans used in many popular Mexican dishes has long been know to create gaseous disturbances once on the road to digestion in our innards. ‘Tooting’ is a well known companion at Mexican food festivities. Truly evil Mexican burrito creators are purposely using new hybrid beans with a higher gas content that would wreck havoc with American intestinal systems.
Besides the bowel distress there is also the intense embarrassment suffered by taco quaffers around the country. Many gourmets have been experiencing loud gaseous eruptions in such noise sensitive areas as church, board meetings, school classes, being in a crowded hot tub, and while giving birth. The new beans are so potent that even the popular anti-gas pill Beano does little to deter the tooting that triumphantly announces itself.

Conspiracy Theory #7483 – An economic conglomerate of chain stores across America have formed an evil alliance of greed that seeks to saturate the shopping sprees of sales seekers at stores and supermarkets across the nation. Being evilly aware of the slow economy and its effect upon the already downtrodden working and middle classes of America, the conglomerate still seeks to squeeze every penny possible out of them by requiring every customer to have credit card sized shopping cards in order to get discounts on sale items.
All chain stores now have these annoying little testaments to selfishness and penny pinching. They are proving detrimental to the shopping public as they add extra stress to the shoppee’s involved. There is the last minute checkout line search through dozens of other cards at the cashier while the other customers in line fume at the time wasted resulting in fistfights and vile words yelled in frustration. The bulging wallet that is the result of having to carry so many different cards also makes an easier target for pickpockets.
Accumulated also is the wealth of information the chain store reps garner with everyone who foolishly signs up for a card. They get your telephone number, your address, your email, how many times a week you do up the wife, how close to the age of consent your most eligible daughter is, where you hide your wallet at night, what nights of the week your son is doing up drugs at the local rave party, and, if they are lucky, your Social Security number.
State representatives throughout America have already attempted to bring about legislation aimed at limiting the number of such cards required at stores, but have been thwarted by the growing numbers of store card lobbyists out to protect the industry and the evil alliance they have formed.

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In Syria Did Cameron: An Ode to a Dynamic Intervention, in the Mode of Coleridge

In Syria Did Cameron: An Ode to a Dynamic Intervention, in the Mode of Coleridge

In Syria did Cameron

A pleasurable jape decree:

Where Euphrates river swells with death

And bodies numberless

Drift far by salted fields.

So ten times he’s wont to quake the earth

As trembling mothers give weeping infants birth Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Human Interest0 Comments

Charlie Hebdo Anniversary Tribute (V): The Gilded Birdcage of Spoilt Gods

Charlie Hebdo Anniversary Tribute (V): The Gilded Birdcage of Spoilt Gods

Quite frankly, if someone believes that children must be deprived of blood transfusions (Jehovah’s Witnesses), or of all medical care (Christian Scientists), or that women are the property of men, or that gay people are sodomites who are all going to eternal hellfire, or that disabled people are suffering the results of our evil and atrocious deeds in the past…

Then that concerns me very deeply.

But on the other hand, if someone personally believes that Jesus literally turned the water into wine, that Muhammad made the moon split in two, or that Sri Krishna performed many wondrous miracles, then in all seriousness, that does not trouble me in the least. There are more important things in life to worry about.

But even so, concerning ‘limits’ to satire, I will affirm that I do reserve the inalienable right to treat religion as not pristine, as not above theoretical critique, or above satirizing, or above ‘blasphemy.’

And I have little to no respect for anyone who makes religion exceptional, in terms of the inalienable right and sovereign prerogative to criticize and satirize; an entitlement and a ‘privilege’ that can and must be shared be all like, without neither cavil nor complaint.

‘Shame on me,’ indeed! Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Serious Commentary2 Comments

Charlie Hebdo Anniversary Tribute (IV): Are Critics of Religion ‘Hateful Extremists?’

Charlie Hebdo Anniversary Tribute (IV): Are Critics of Religion ‘Hateful Extremists?’

But what, then, are my own limits for religious satire?
I will not provide an exhaustive discussion here.

I will, however, say that I do not believe that religion is either a ‘force for good’ or a ‘force for evil’ in some one-sided sense.

For, superstition and dogmatism are great evils, but I do not think that the history of religion is merely or even primarily a catalogue of backward, primitive errors, as so many of the ‘New Atheists’ seem to imply.

Of course, if it is not the intention of any New Atheists, to imply such, then perhaps there is something very faulty with their rhetorical and communicative strategies. This would not perhaps be so surprising, given that much New Atheist rhetoric is deeply problematic.

For example, I consider the late humanitarian interventionist and former Luxemburgist radical, Christopher Hitchens, to be an intellectual suicide bomber who destroyed himself and the consciences of anyone who stood by and approved of his disingenuous, militaristic sophistries. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Serious Commentary2 Comments

Conspiracy Theories #3 – More Nightmares To Ruin Your Sleep

Conspiracy Theories #3 – More Nightmares To Ruin Your Sleep

Conspiracy Theories #3 – More Nightmares To Ruin Your Sleep

Conspiracy Theories is the hard hitting website that isn’t afraid to investigate and expose the dark forces that seek to prey in so many devious ways upon the general publicum. We are here because you need us! We are ever vigilant against those evil people, organizations, nations and cultures that are out to handicap and repress our great American lifestyle.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
The following are the dark, sinister plots we have uncovered this week:

Conspiracy Theory #934- Unscrupulous sleeping pill manufactures have been putting timed release micro-bits of caffeine in their sleeping pills to stimulate their sales. Determined to sell more by waking back up the very people who have been faithfully purchasing their products, these sleazy salesmen of scandalously non-salubrious saturated sleep aids have been wrecking the health of American citizens for months now. Continue Reading

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Charlie Hebdo Anniversary Tribute (III): Moralists are Killing Satire

Charlie Hebdo Anniversary Tribute (III): Moralists are Killing Satire

So let no-one think that by appeasing jihadists or by appeasing unaccountable figures in the countries that Orientalizing intellectuals opportunistically market as ‘the (sole and exclusively) Free World’ that they will avert their malice or their wrath.

For, none of the promises either of political Islamists and jihadists or of humanitarian interventionist intellectuals and counter-jihadists can be trusted or valued.

Indeed. Realpolitik is realpolitik, which is as much as to say that from ‘high-minded idealism,’ nothing better can be expected than high-minded idealism. And there is nothing that savors more of Realpolitik than high-minded idealism, as the terms are merely two superficially different names for the same thing. Continue Reading

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Charlie Hebdo Anniversary Tribute (II): Freedom of Speech is Not Idealism

Charlie Hebdo Anniversary Tribute (II): Freedom of Speech is Not Idealism

So who decides what is blasphemous or hateful?

Whoever has the power to do so.

But of course, this does not mean that all opinions are equal.

For, it is perfectly true to say that women should treated in light of an intrinsic value identical to men, that gay people are not twisted deviants, and that eugenics and eugenicists are an abomination. These ideas are non-negotiable.

However, moral panics about ‘blasphemy’ and ‘hatred’ in the context of satire serve the interests of reactionaries of every stripe.

Hence, curiously enough, freedom of speech is not the ‘idealist’ or ‘fundamentalist’ position.

Rather, it is precisely because idealistic, abstract and fundamentalist models of reality are unworkable in practice, that freedom of speech is required in the first place! Continue Reading

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Charlie Hebdo Anniversary Tribute (I): Every Truth is Blasphemy

Charlie Hebdo Anniversary Tribute (I): Every Truth is Blasphemy

Note: This is a serialization of the essay from the new, expanded edition of my satire ebook, I Shouldn’t Do God. Updates on www.wallacerunnymede.com

Dedicated to the unforgettable and shining martyrs of Charlie Hebdo and Hyper Cacher.

I am still Charlie.

To start off a series of fake news satire anthologies with a volume on religion seems very appropriate, given the vicious massacre of the Charlie Hebdo cartoonists, and the other vicious murders which were committed on the same day at Hyper Cacher.

Some of these murders have already been conveniently ‘forgotten.’

But despite my allusion to these vile assassinations, I am not unaware of the mobilization of the massacre by cynical opportunists.

In the second edition of this essay, which you now see before you, I must also mention the November massacres in Paris. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Serious Commentary2 Comments

Putin’s Taking the Piss over Human Rights, but Let’s not Be Too Smug!

Putin’s Taking the Piss over Human Rights, but Let’s not Be Too Smug!

It turns out that the authoritarian Russian president, Vladimir Putin, has signed a law allowing Russia (or rather, the Russian state!) to avoid following rulings from international human rights courts…

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/russia-human-rights-law_566fc6bbe4b011b83a6c7040

Making such rulings subject to the authority of the Constitutional Court of Russia.

In fairness, I’m sure the latter institution won’t be making any arbitrary decisions. I have no doubt the Russian judiciary is every bit as independent and impartial as it was under Brezhnev, or indeed some of the earlier leading lights of 20th century Russian constitutional democracy. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, World News0 Comments

Possible Excuses For A Policeman To Shoot A Black Kid In The Back 16 Times.

Possible Excuses For A Policeman To Shoot A Black Kid In The Back 16 Times.

“It was dark out and he was black. I was just shooting my gun off into the night for fun and he got in the way.”

“I can’t count beyond 3.”

“I got carpal tunnel from doing so much paperwork and it caused my finger to lock up on the trigger.”

“Oops! Forgot I wasn’t at target practice!” Continue Reading

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Sole Survivor of a Flurry of Mass Shootings Opposes Firearms Regulation

Sole Survivor of a Flurry of Mass Shootings Opposes Firearms Regulation

Even as the rate of all other gun-related crimes had been decreasing in the United States for decades, the rate of mass shootings had steadily increased as gun show loopholes were found to circumvent bans on assault rifles, mental health centers were defunded by the government, and the NRA captured both political parties. Experts on television declared that the solution to massacres in movie theaters was to add more guns to theaters; to slaughters in malls, it was to add more guns to malls; and to school shootings, it was to add more guns to schools. Soon enough, the United States was overflowing with guns.

And Americans were angry, very angry, because their political system was corrupt and unresponsive to the plight of the middle class and the poor. Both parties had catered to the wealthy business elites in exchange for their campaign contributions and for cushy jobs in the private sector. The combination of mass resentment and rage together with millions upon millions of state-of-the-art firearms boded ill for the nation’s survival.

In 2017, Texas alone sustained 362 mass shootings. The survivors fled the state, leaving it barren, but there was no escape. New Mexico, Oklahoma, Louisiana, and all the other southern states erupted in gunfire as the mentally deranged, the marginalized, and the dispossessed as well as the jihadist terrorists vented their frustrations by spraying bullets in crowded places. Militarized police forces were deployed and demonized by fear-mongering right-wingers who awaited the prophesied End of Days. Militias went to war against the police, eventually leaving the southern states desolate and bereft of human inhabitants.

Liberal lawmakers took the loss of the southern half of their country as an opportunity to push for mild gun control laws, but they were ousted from office by NRA-backed candidates who merely had to call the liberals “communists” to win popular support even as the voters were cut down by hooligans’ gunfire soon after leaving the voting booth.

Again, the survivors fled to the north, but the northerners found they had to arm themselves or be shot to pieces by the traumatized southerners. Through 2019 the mass shootings continued and looked increasingly like a civil war.

In 2020, the U.S. population dropped to around 100,000 proud, patriotic Americans.

Before the government fell, Congress again debated whether to regulate the shrunken gun industry that was still pumping out firearms and selling them to the beleaguered remnants of American civilization. Congress decided against halting the nation’s impending collapse, insisting that the Founders had been rabid anarchists who intended for the country to resemble not fattened, spoiled Middle America but something like the Wild West which was truly the land of the free and the home of the brave.

As one Republican representative said, “The Founding Fathers upheld everyone’s right to bear arms for the purpose of stocking a militia. A militia has to be powerful enough to take down the government if the government should fail to uphold the law. Therefore, every American citizen has the right to carry even weapons of mass destruction to keep the government in check.”

Cosmopolitan Americans from abroad rushed home to attempt to salvage their nation, but were cut down by gunfire soon after stepping off the tarmac.

Canada and Mexico, too, moved into American territory and were promptly blasted en masse by Americans boasting the latest in military hardware. Thereafter, foreigners kept their distance.

When survivors in Montana realized that the government had neglected in their last firearms bill to allow for the sale of newly-designed magazines capable of carrying 400 rounds of ammunition, they nuked Washington D.C., rendering the country lawless.

In 2021, after a series of further mass shootings, there were only twelve Americans left alive. Six of the survivors engaged in a Mexican standoff over a dispute about who spilled beer on the shoe of whom. All six pulled their triggers and died in a hail of bullets.

The remaining five Americans deemed it wise to spread themselves out across the land to keep alive the American Dream. One, however, Howard Derringer, was mentally ill and hunted down the others, executing them with an assortment of submachine guns until only two Americans remained: Derringer and a former bus driver named Mark McEwan.

Before Derringer could locate and shoot McEwan, Derringer succumbed to an unknown ailment in 2023.

Mark McEwan was the sole survivor of American freedom. A peaceable man, McEwan allowed foreigners to observe his actions without launching a crazed assault on them.

He spent the bulk of his time agonizing over whether to impose restrictions on the use of firearms. One day, standing before a mirror, he gave a speech to himself.

“I speak to you today as president of this great nation,” he said, “having just voted for myself last week. I speak to you also as someone who is terribly thirsty. There’s no water for miles. Aside from that, I feel it’s incumbent on me to take up the issue of arms control. There’s no NRA anymore, so passing a ban on assault rifles would be feasible. I could throw all the long guns I see into a river.

“But as the last American, I also feel I have a duty to honour the American spirit. For that reason, I’ve decided not to control the use of firearms. Instead, I’ll shoot this sonuvabitch, blowing my brains out with a Colt M4 carbine. Let the blessed guns inherit the earth.”

With the loss of Mark McEwan and of the United States, China became the world’s largest gun manufacturer. In 2025, China annexed what had hitherto been the American heartland, honouring those previous generations of brave American souls who had eked out a living under the constant threat of being shot like a Third World dog in the streets, by turning that territory into a giant gun manufacturing facility.

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