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Greek Son Attempts to Break Family’s Curse

Greek Son Attempts to Break Family’s Curse

Las Vegas, NV—Christopher Nicholas Kratsas is not your typical Greek American. He comes from a long line of family members that desperately tried to embrace America by reversing Greek stereotypes.

Unfortunately for the Kratsas family, this task was made more difficult as they unintentionally brought something with them- other than a prominent unibrow- on their boat ride to Ellis Island in 1928.

The Kratsas family also brought a “κατάρα”, or curse, to America. No matter how hard they tried, the Kratsas family failed when attempting to succeed in “non” Greek professions. Continue Reading

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NAACP officially changes name

NAACP officially changes name

Baltimore, MD. — In an unexpected, yet timely move, the group formerly known as the NAACP have changed their name to the National Association for the Advancement of African-Americans or NAAAA.

The first meeting of the new group, held yesterday, commenced with the new tradition of “Hail NAAAA.”

When reporters tried to reach out to the Obama administration to discuss this historic day, the president was only half interested. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

GOP/Dems: Post-Orwellian Dictionary of Humanitarian Imperialism (2/2)

GOP/Dems: Post-Orwellian Dictionary of Humanitarian Imperialism (2/2)

Here we go again… and again… and AGAIN™…

NaHum-ism

National Humanitarianism, or NaHum-ism, is what happens when the petty, cruel, vicious, tearful, artificial boundaries that wantonly and cruelly constrain the human spirit are broken down and annihilated with an iron fist.

For, I have sworn an eternal and undying oath, (naturally, one purely context-dependent and pragmatic in character), that we are all just human beings, in the last instance… Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Politics0 Comments

GOP/Dems: Post-Orwellian Dictionary of Humanitarian Imperialism (1/2)

GOP/Dems: Post-Orwellian Dictionary of Humanitarian Imperialism (1/2)

Over here in Euroweenie land, they say about the Hitler-Stalin pact: “Les extrêmes se touchent.”

…Or in Universal Anglo-Esperanto, to wit, the King James of Jesus, Rush Limbaugh, John Kerry and other notable figures (-ish): “Opposites meet.”

So it’s only fair that I let Julian™ give me this sexy little number…

A leak of the new secret GOP/Dem handbook for capturing the narrative on their joint-venture humanitarian imperialist missions… Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Politics0 Comments

Homo Sapien Pictographs Prove Homosexuality Is Natural

Homo Sapien Pictographs Prove Homosexuality Is Natural

Paleontologists working in Southern France have discovered pictographs they estimate were placed around 10,000 B.C. The primitive drawings depict what appears to be two Neanderthal males copulating.

Lead scientist Dr. Lance Hollingsworth said, “I usually don’t get involved in politics, but clearly these cave drawing prove that homosexual relationships predate the ten commandments.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, World News0 Comments

How Coke’s New “FairLife” Super Milk is Made (VIDEO)

How Coke’s New “FairLife” Super Milk is Made (VIDEO)

Milk sales have fallen in recent years, so Coca-Cola has decided to get into the Moo Juice game. We go inside the factory to show you how they improved on perfection.

More calcium and protein with less sugar and lactose free sound too good to be true? At merely twice the price, it’s a reality.

We got to tour the Fair Oaks Farms in Fair Oaks, Indiana to meet the cows and cow-pokes (not as sexy as it sounds) to find out what really makes this premium priced beverage so unique. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Video News0 Comments

How to Break Up with Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend on Valentine’s Day

How to Break Up with Your Boyfriend or Girlfriend on Valentine’s Day

So you want to break up on Valentine’s Day?

There isn’t any other day of the year more romantic to break up on than Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day, after all, celebrates St. Valentine, a priest who secretly married lovers in Rome during the reign of the ruthless emperor named Claudius II, who had outlawed marriage in order to better recruit soldiers for his army. Continue Reading

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New Study Shows Small Men Prefer Big Trucks

New Study Shows Small Men Prefer Big Trucks

The Size of One’s Vehicle is Directly Proportional to the Size of Genitalia

A new study conducted by the National Research Panel has concluded that men who drive large trucks, SUVs, and automobiles have smaller genitalia than men who drive small to medium sized vehicles.

The study, conducted on 350 males nationwide, lasted for three months. For the purpose of the study, the national average genitalia scaled in at 5 1/2 inches. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Science0 Comments

Sorry MEN, You Are ALL Sexists (This Time I’m Serious)

Sorry MEN, You Are ALL Sexists (This Time I’m Serious)

The moment I tell you “You’re ALL sexists,” some poor Jeremy is gonna wail out:

“But we’re not AAALLL like thaaat!!!”

But that’s precisely the point.

There’s something very significant about the fact that this is precisely the typical response to the (actually defensible) idea that the problem is “men…” Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Opinon/Editorial1 Comment

Sarah Palin’s On-Air Stroke Fact Checked (PART TWO) – VIDEO

Sarah Palin’s On-Air Stroke Fact Checked (PART TWO) – VIDEO

Sarah Palin may still be a cash-worthy draw for the red meat crowd anxious for nothing more than talking points. Well, in her case, barking points.

I’m not saying she’s barking because she’s a bitch. No, that would be a disrespect to female dogs everywhere, and as I have two in my own home, I’d never insult them by conflating them with such a waste of carbon as Sarah Palin. Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People, Video News0 Comments

Driverless Car Impounded for DUI

Driverless Car Impounded for DUI

One of the Google driverless cars has been pulled over and impounded for driving under the influence of ethanol, according to California Highway Patrol officers.

“The car was speeding down the 5 Freeway at 30 miles over the speed limit and driving in and out of lanes”, said CHP officer Joel Braggin. “When I opened the gas compartment door I could smell the alcohol”.

Peter Innocente, a passenger in the vehicle, was shocked at how the car was behaving. “It wouldn’t let me take the wheel”, a still shaken Innocente declared. “I’m lucky to be alive! I’m gald those cops came when they did!”

Like humans, self-driving cars are required to have no more than .08 alcohol in their systems. Innocente’s vehicle measured a .34. Over 4 times the legal limit.

“I plan on suing the gas station that served him that mixture”, Innocente told Glossy News. “I want to make sure no one else has to deal with this!”

The car has been impounded for a minimum of 30 days and wil lose its registration for at least 5 years. The car itself was unavailable for comment.

“I”m going to get me an old VW Bug and keep it sober!” Innocente declared.

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Statistics Show 85% of Men Would Rather Play Mobile Games than Go Out with In-laws

Statistics Show 85% of Men Would Rather Play Mobile Games than Go Out with In-laws

A recent study conducted by South Central Louisiana State University has found that the vast majority of men would rather play games on their mobile phone devices than spend quality time with their in-laws.

The shocking findings released this week challenge previously held beliefs about boyfriends’ and husbands’ intrinsic desire to spend most weekends and holidays in the company of their partners’ parents. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society0 Comments

Zombie Apocalypse lasts for 3 minutes

Zombie Apocalypse lasts for 3 minutes

Washington, D.C.- Following an alarming number of calls to the CDC, FBI, and NSA, security analyst have concluded that the zombie apocalypse came and went without any causalities and $0 in property damage.

Current Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, spoke on the matter, “Around 5:03 a.m. eastern standard time, a zombie uprising started near Deer Lick, Kentucky. The uprising promptly ended 3 minutes later, apparently due to the fact that zombies lack muscle tissue.”
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Posted in Health, World News9 Comments

Fact-Checking Sarah Palin’s Incomprehensible Speech

Fact-Checking Sarah Palin’s Incomprehensible Speech

Sarah Palin was invited to spew a lahar of molten cuckoo at the Iowa Freedom Summit, proudly sponsored by Citizens United. She did not fail to fail to impress.

I took it upon myself to fact-check her statements, and there was such a steady flow of crazy magma that I had to cut it off around six minutes, saving the rest for another day.

Apparently the Wicked Witch of the Arctic’s teleprompter broke a few minutes in, so she did what she does best: wing it and hope people will take her seriously. Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People1 Comment

Repentant Paisley’s Heterophobic Hate Campaign

Repentant Paisley’s Heterophobic Hate Campaign

Disclaimer: Earlier version published on TheSpoof.com. I’ve now come round to a more enlightened view of the sensitive matters in question ;)

Given the passing some months ago of Lord Bannside, it’s only fair that I inform you about one of the last interviews conducted with him…

In order to straighten me out set the record straight. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism0 Comments

Life…

Life…

Life- An annoying thing that happens when you wake up in the morning.

Life- The commitment you don’t remember having agreed to.

Life- 16 hours you have to live through before you can go back to bed again.

Life- A pain in the ass that doesn’t limit itself to just that area.

Life- A journey on a sea of unknown depths.

Life- Two third of a day that it takes one third of a night to recover from.

Life- A scream just waiting to happen.

Life- God’s way of getting even with us.

Life- The thing they don’t teach us about in school. Or warn us about.

Life- A bad dream that doesn’t stop when you wake up.

Life- That solid sock in the gut that lets you know you are alive.

Life- A swim in an ocean of limited visibility.

Life- A running race that apparently has no rules or borders but a very definite finish line.

Life- A screaming headache that begins when you wake up and doesn’t shut up until you finally fall asleep.

Life- A waking nightmare until sleep comes to claim you again.

Life- Like being born again every morning only messier.

Life- Like the movie Groundhog Day only you don’t need 3-D glasses to make it more realistic.

Life- Who says Hell comes AFTER you die?

Life- The one thing even the best drugs or booze can’t blot out.

Life- Like those dreams where you fall off a cliff and don’t hit bottom except you do.

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Posted in Society, The Rest0 Comments

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