Posted in Human Interest Society Top Stories

Millennial Children Demand Parents Pay for Relocation As Tensions In the Gulf Grow

Salem, OR- As tensions between the United States and Iran continue to flare after the latest attack on an American drone, more and more millennial children are demanding that Mom and Dad pay to send them away before war is…

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Posted in Crime World News

“WHY DO THE OTHER BOYS GET AWAY WITH IT?!” Kim Jong Un Defends Notorious Gulag System!

Ardent sometimes-Trumper Kim Jong Un has come out fighting against dishonest ‘fake news’ media criticisms of his mass labour camp system. It’s just so unfair! How came it’s all just find and dandy that Americans been allowed to mass-arrest millions…

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Posted in General Interest Society

Selfie Tsunami Sickeningly Scuttles Sweet Sixteen

Florida teenager Brittney Calgrington booked the best party ever with all the most popular kids going, but despite getting the best caterer money could buy, the best DJ Craig’s List could book on short notice, and enough balloons to choke…

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Posted in Society

Inmate Shares Out-of-Body Experience, Charged with Escape

SUSANVILLE, CA – In a move that blurs the line between metaphysics and criminology, the Lassen County District Attorney’s Office filed escape charges against a High Desert State Prison (HDSP) inmate who admitted to having had an out-of-body experience, or…

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Posted in Society World News

GREEN REVOLUTION! New Right-Wing ‘Ecological Diversity’ Agenda

Controversial leaders Theresa May, Donald Trump and Jair Bolsonaro have heralded a new spring of right-wing environmental consciousness. And for the first time ever, the environment has been made a true populist, anti-elitist cause! But what could possibly be at…

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Posted in Kidz Zone Video News

Welcome to Mad Mad Monkey Men! Funny Youtube Stars of the Future?!

Welcome to Mad Mad Monkey Men! This week a new channel launched on YouTube with near-zero fanface, despite being pretty awesome. It’s like Good Mythical Morning, but with kids, and it’s awfully fun. The promise to do taste tests, game…

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Posted in Politics Society

Feminists OUTRAGED! Biden’s Creepy Campaign Trail Song List Leaks… CREEPY!

BIDEN 2020: FIRST SEXUALLY QUESTIONABLE PRESIDENT? Serial groper and wildcat Juncker’s sciatica handyman Joe ‘Creepy Uncle Joe Biden’ has just recently announced a bid for the presidency, despite a history of sexual misdemeanours which leaves but little daylight between him…

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Posted in Crime World News

“CRIME ISN’T A COLLUSION!” Trump & Giuliani Defend Bolsonaro Assassination Epidemic!

WHO IS BEHIND THE EPIDEMIC OF MISSING JOURNALISTS IN BRAZIL?! The mainstream media are blaming their country’s new leader, Jair Bolsonaro. Alleging that the mysterious disappearances have been directly commissioned, Putin-style, by the flamboyantly irritable Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro, the…

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Posted in Politics Society World News

Libertarians & GOP Demand MASS REVOLT Against UN Human Trafficking Laws!

HOW IS MUCH IS ONE LIFE REALLY WORTH?! Well, I guess we’re about to find out! Republicans and the Libertarian Party have staged a mass revolt against the UN 2019 human trafficking report. The Executive Director for the United Nations…

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Posted in Society

By the Grace of Sean (Bad Poetry for Bad Media)

Bellicose, via mega phone, go… Secure your homes, Holmes, Cause you’re all alone, Jones All the skin and bones talk, All them victims criss-crossed… With their children en tow… They tried to cross the road!   By the grace of…

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Posted in Society

Cruella De Ville Muscling My Customer

”What is it?” I said looking at a very indecisive customer. ”I’m just not sure if I should buy the shoes, mate!” he says, confusing me. ”You love the look, the price, they’re comfortable.” I wait for his long-owed reply,…

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Posted in Politics Society

Gay Old Party Strikes Again! Auntie Lindsey 2020, the Closet Choice! (Ted Haggard Guest Post)

NOTE FROM WALLACE: Our occasional guest contributor, Ted ‘I Know What You Did Last Night’ Haggard has provided us with one of the saltiest, spiciest lil old hot takes we’ve had in a while here at Glossy News! Enjoy! WOOP…

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Posted in Strange People

Blond President Jokes

What is fine dining to the Blond President? Anything on the Value Meal menu at McDonald’s. How does the Blond President find a new wife? He goes to the Walmart Discount East European Find A Sexy Wife website. What did…

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Posted in Biz News Society

Carbon-Guzzlers of the World Unite! Whole Food Flights Bring Y’all THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!

Whole Foods Markets Executive V.P. of Growth and Business Development, Jim Sud announced at a company event, that Whole Foods Market was, “taking to the sky” by launching its own airline. “We realized a long time ago that selling dubiously…

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Posted in Human Interest Society

The Knives of Athenry: A Far from Humorous Satire on ‘The Fields of Athenry’ (NSFW)

By a lonely Irish ward, I heard an infant wailing “Mammy, they said they’re taking me away, For the people repealed the 8th To be cut in pieces is my fate Mammy, save me, or I’ll never see the light…

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Bravery
Posted in Crime Sports Scandals

No Hate, No Fear! The Heartwarming Story of One Courageous Athlete Sex Offender who Rose Above the Stigma!

LAKEWOOD—A Lakewood High School multi-sport star athlete is facing charges of sexual assault following an incident alleged to have occurred in October, 2018. Joshua “Dusty” Delroy appeared in court for his indictment surrounded by family and members of the three…

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Posted in Human Interest Music

EDGY POEM! Spacking Out (Autism v Artistry, The Light Side of a Dark Affliction!)

My jeans are on backwards and tattered legs Not quite a six-pack, more of a party keg Don’t need a wingman, don’t need no aid Think I’ll just sit at home and write dystopia instead If you think my eyes…

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Posted in Crime Health

New AG Barr to Charge “Oxy Doc” with 200,000 Counts of Manslaughter

Washington, DC – A spokesperson for recently confirmed US Attorney General William Barr, acknowledged on Saturday, plans by the US Attorneys office to file 200,000 counts of manslaughter against Purdue Pharma executive, Dr. Richard Sackler, whose most popular product, OxyContin,…

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Posted in Religionism

The 10 Commandments As Rewritten by ISIS.

What might be surprising to many is that the Muslim religion actually considers the Bible to be a Holy book and a source of prophecy. However, the more extreme elements of Mohammedanism have rewritten certain famous aspects of the Old…

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Posted in Society

Satirism or Satyrism?

I have an uncontrollable need to make fun of everybody while engaging in habitual and indiscriminate sex. I always liked it when a one nighter would say, “Hey, you’re a funny fucker.” But when it finally struck me as odd…

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