Archive | Sports Events

Tiger Breadsticks His Way Back Into The Masters

Tiger Breadsticks His Way Back Into The Masters

Jupiter Island, Florida – Despite withdrawing from the Masters earlier in the week after having unavoidable back surgery, Tiger Woods unexpectedly announced Thursday evening that he is back in the tournament and credits “the almighty breadstick” for helping him make a speedy recovery.

“His recuperation defies the laws of medicine and the capabilities of the human body. It demonstrates the healing power that this once complimentary item with the purchase of any entrée has and how much we still have to learn about them.” Said Tiger’s former Coach, Hank Haney, while watching an overjoyed Woods swing his club through a breaded ball, sending it almost seven feet into the air and into a pit of hot butter and garlic. Continue Reading

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I was snubbed by the U.S. Olympic Ski Team

I was snubbed by the U.S. Olympic Ski Team

Dear U.S. Olympic Ski Team:

Congratulations on an outstanding Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. And hey, that 18 year-old Mikaela Shiffrin was impressive on the giant slalom. Well done.

I just have one minor complaint to register: Why did you leave me off the team? I contacted you last summer, telling you I wanted to try out for the men’s freestyle aerials or half pipe or any alpine event you guys thought might attract babes. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports, Sports Events0 Comments

Danica Patrick Accuses NASCAR Drivers of Misogyny

Danica Patrick Accuses NASCAR Drivers of Misogyny

NASCAR driver Danica Patrick charged other drivers with sexism and misogyny after being bumped in Sundays Daytona 500 causing her to crash into the outer wall and ending her race.

“There’s only one woman at Daytona today and who gets driven off the track? Connect the dots and do the math.” Patrick added “Well, I can’t do the math but I’m sure one of you men out there can help me with that.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sports Scandals2 Comments

IOC Officials Admit Curling Event Added To Be More Inclusive

IOC Officials Admit Curling Event Added To Be More Inclusive

In a stunning admission the International Olympic Committee issued a statement today confirming Curling was added to be more inclusive to non-athletes.

The IOC had come under fire for its wall-to-wall coverage of this years Curling competition, many times at the expense of more popular sports such as hockey and downhill skiing. The move elicited a collective WHAT THE FUCK from much of the civilized sporting world.

The statement read “For decades the Olympics has been criticized for not being more inclusive of non-athletes. Continue Reading

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Olympics Save Money By Giving Out Fool’s Gold Trophies

Olympics Save Money By Giving Out Fool’s Gold Trophies

In an attempt to curtail expenses the Olympic Committee has taken the measure of exchanging 1st place gold trophies with ones made out of fool’s gold, the famous mineral often mistaken for gold by enterprising miners. These pseudo statues will be given out to less popular Olympic events such as curling, biathlon, cross-country and short track speed skating.

The athletes in the groups getting the second hand prizes are quite upset over the development. “We work just as hard as the rest of the athletes here.” stated Bruno Armbender, leader of the Macedonian curling team. “Why should we be penalized because we aren’t as pretty as the half naked ice skaters?”

A number of the affected players have raised a vociferous protest which has resulted in violence. Olympic officials have complained of curling discs suddenly bounding towards them as they get out of their cars when they get home. “I never would have guessed that these wimpy things could pack such a punch!” said Rusquero Rasheesh through a microphone implanted in his head to toe traction cast in the Sochi Municipal Hospital #34.

A number of other officials have been admitted to local hospitals with incredibly well aimed small caliber rifle shots to the right buttocks. “I think they are using the right buttocks as a target to symbolize that it is capitalists behind the cheap trophy decision.” commented Dr. Vlad Impaler from Hospital #762.

Other Olympic officials have been admitted covered with cross-country ski marks or speed skating marks all over them. “I didn’t even see them coming….” is the common remark.

To make up for whole categories of Olympic events falling out of the event in protest, the officials have called in the bikini volleyball teams to participate even though it is officially a Summer Olympic event. They had thought that the sight of abundant nude female flesh would distract viewers from the conflict. Unfortunately 80% of the swimsuit clad participants acquired frostbite in highly sensitive feminine locations in the first set of contests. The exception to this was the Russian Inuit team who are used to having to play in unfavorable winter conditions as they live so far north that they do not even know what summer is. They won the gold medal only to find it was really made of iron pyrite which caused them to beat Olympic officials with frozen volleyballs.

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Whipping set to replace Screeching in Olympic Curling

Whipping set to replace Screeching in Olympic Curling

Dateline: Lausanne, Switzerland—After an Olympic curler died of a heart attack from haranguing her teammates as they swept the ice, the International Olympic Committee has ruled that instead of yelling so much for no good reason, curlers in the next Winter Olympics will whip each other.
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Comatose Broncos Fan Awakens to Horrible Reality

Comatose Broncos Fan Awakens to Horrible Reality

A Denver Broncos fan who has been in a coma since 5 minutes into the Superbowl has finally awakened and close friends are unsure how to tell him what happened.

According to witnesses, Tindell Higby III, a University of Colorado senior, passed out with approximately 10:48 left in the first quarter and never regained consciousness.

“We’d been doing Jello shots since noon getting ready for the pre-game activities,” said one man who declined to be identified, but described pre-game activities as a game of “Bong Tag”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Sports Events6 Comments

Denver’s Offensive Playbook Found!

Denver’s Offensive Playbook Found!

Rutherford, New Jersey – Following the Denver Broncos horrific 43-8 loss in Super Bowl XLVIII to the Seattle Seahawks at MetLife Stadium, fans were left scratching their heads trying to determine what happened to the NFL’s top ranked offense that averaged 37.9 points-per-game in the regular season.

“I think everyone watching knew something was wrong from Denver’s opening play when Manning flubbed the snap,” said Referee James Chicanski after the game. Continue Reading

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Posted in Music, Sports Events1 Comment

Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi

Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi

Each week the Russian military, secret police and Sochi security authorities receive dozens of homemade videos made by ethnic Russians threatening terrorist attacks on innocent civilians at the Sochi Olympics.

Almost all are dismissed as the drunken rankings of misfits, homosexuals or comsymps.

However,in mid December they received a video from two Chechnyans taking credit for the terrorist bombing at a train station in Volgograd that killed 34 people. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Sports Events1 Comment

George Zimmerman To Box Black Ewok

George Zimmerman To Box Black Ewok

Alamo, TX - Boxing promoter Damon Feldman announced today he has inked a deal for cult neighborhood watch leader George Zimmerman to fight black dwarf actor Tony Cox in a celebrity boxing match to be held in Selma, Alabama on March 1st.

Cox is best known for his roles in Bad Santa and Date Movie as well as playing an Ewok in Return of the Jedi. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Sports Events0 Comments

What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The Super Bowl

What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The Super Bowl

Far beyond the reaches of normal men’s consciousnesses there exists a part of the etheric worlds where what could have been still can be.

All events as remembered by the minds of men are not held fast in memories lock, but are fluid and flexible, and not confined to history’s limiting pages.

All the conditions that led to so many ‘historical’ events, be they political, military, or even that most mundane of human activities- sports- are a set of possibilities leading up to results that are now considered locked in an illusionary time and place called history.

But what if those conditions had been altered- the weather caused one army to defeat another instead of vice-versa, an accident of death to one individual causes an entire nations fate to be altered and so forth? What if the aftermath of those conditions could be played out as though something different had changed the course of a history and could be known to we mere mortals?

Say, for instance, if the Green Bay Packers had not been defeated by the San Francisco 49er’s in the play offs and had gone on to play the Seattle Sea Hawks in the Super Bowl, what would the multiple minute conditions that would be altered be, all the little variables like the changes in the weather from one place to the other, from the changes in the national football consciousness as a result, from the attitudes of the different players involved be. What would have been the outcome?

Using spiritual seers who can peer deeply into the etheric mists, we have uncovered ‘The Mystery Of What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The 2014 Super Bowl’- a foretelling as full of haunting majesty, power and glory as the ghosts visiting Scrooge on Christmas Eve.

Forth down, fifteenth yard line, fourth quarter. The Packers again have the Seahawks on the ropes as they battle if out for another touchdown. The Packers have, out of sheer pity, allowed the Seahawks to get 6 points ahead so that the foredooming loss will not ruin their self-esteem.

That is the famous compassion that Wisconsiners have for all out of staters, but now even that virtue must come to an end in the scrimmage for the top glory of footballdom. Now it was payback time. Quarterback Aaron Rogers falls back, fakes a pass, then runs it in himself side-arming several Seahawks who fall on the ground and cry like babies, some at being hurt and some at the score being even upped.

The field goal scores and the Seahawks are sweating. The lineup forms, the Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson throws. Ball goes 15 yards downfield and is caught. Player is tackled by the Packer human battering rams; the Seahawks runner’s leg is accidentally is broken off at the hip. Player is carried off field screaming wildly in pain. Packers put detached leg on ice to save for the trophy room.

Seahawks pass another ball 10 yards downfield, Packers corn-fed bulldozers bear down on him. Ball recipient screams like a girl and immediately heads for sidelines. Gets caught one foot short of sidelines and is buried under a wave of green and gold uniforms. When pile of oversized bodies is finally pulled off him his head is twisted around backwards, making it hard for him to chew food and walk down a street straight for the rest of his life.

On the next play, Russell Wilson runs the ball himself, then when he sees the Packer bullet trains pounding towards him, he turns and runs 20 yards back shrieking wildly and successful makes it to the sidelines before being avalanched by the Packer defense.

An angered Seahawks cheerleader seeing this grabs the ball from him and runs it down field herself. She is daintily tackled by the Packers front men at the 20 yard line. She finds herself excited by this experience and gives all five men her phone number and tells them to call her after the game.

Russell Wilson is set upon by the other cheerleaders who are humiliated by his actions, beaten to a cottage cheese consistency, and, in a move that led to quite a bit of television censorship, was ‘Bobbited’ and thereby deprived forever of his manhood.

Now desperate not to be embarrassed by the whole nation and having their star quarterback de-manned in public, the Seahawks pull out their last card. In a move that ranks in the highest level of treachery, cunning and outright bastardly conniving, they introduce the secret quarterback they had covertly hired as a trump card just in case of such an emergency ensued. The new quarterback comes out on the field covered by a blanket to conceal his identity.

The huddle forms, the new thrower for the Seahawks throws off the blanket. A gasp goes through the Packer stadium. It is Brett Favre, more infamous than Benedict Arnold even as a traitor.

seahawks-slam-twoA resounding ‘Boooooooooooooo!!! sounds through the entire stadium, then, as the images reach TV sets, throughout the entire city of Green Bay, then throughout the whole state of Wisconsin, reaching decibels so loud that they knock out communications satellites in space above the Midwest for the next twenty minutes.

The lines form, the ball is shunted, Favre passes. The ball goes downfield, is caught and taken to the end zone for a goal. The entire stadium screams in unison, making a bestial moan so strong that it moves the earth a full meter off its rotation.

The entire Packer team, driven by outrage to a level of frustration that no human should ever have to endure, rush their former teammate and pile down on him, beefy appendages flailing. In a ten minute massacre that TV censors will soon call ‘the day we really made big overtime’, the assault on Favre is so thorough that what is left of him is passed through a sieve and put in a bottle for burial.

Thus the 2014 Super Bowl becomes the first ever to end in default. Too afraid of the rabid Packer fans, the game officials just hand the Packers the trophy and go running for the gates. Only a few clips of the Packers celebrating their victory surface, taken by private cameras and photo devices as all professional camera men had run for their lives.

They show a jubilant Packerland mob celebrating their heroes win and the ones taken when they thought no one was watching no one was watching showing them stomping the surviving Seahawks players into the Astroturf like grapes being made into fine Wisconsin jelly, a proud tradition handed down from their Viking heritage.

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49ers PR Office Readies for Mass Suicide Sunday Night

49ers PR Office Readies for Mass Suicide Sunday Night

The San Francisco 49ers had a terrible 12-4 season, but this Sunday they face the Seattle Seahawks with a stunning 13-3 regular season record. Facing certain defeat, 49ers fans are widely expected to commit mass, ritual suicide.

The Seahawks have the best defense in the league, and have been favored over the 49ers by 3-9 points/game this regular and post-season, but even losing inside the spread is unlikely to sate the bloodlust for sacrifice to make for a better team next season. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sportsfolk11 Comments

The Changes to European Club Rugby – Americans Indifferent

The Changes to European Club Rugby – Americans Indifferent

There are massive changes afoot in the world of Rugby Union. While there has been some agreement recently as to the future of the sport, there are still many obstacles to overcome.

Following an 18-month impasse, the six unions involved in the Heineken Cup (England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Italy and France) held a two-day summit in Dublin to decide how a European club competition would work next season. The English and French clubs have stated that they intend to form a breakaway competition next season. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sportsfolk0 Comments

Glossy Staff Admits Butt-Hurt After Reaming by NRA Riled Redneck Brigade

Glossy Staff Admits Butt-Hurt After Reaming by NRA Riled Redneck Brigade

The staff of Glossy news is busy licking their wounds today after a fierce word-lashing by a number of drive-by commentator fan(atic)s of the NRA. While a few commenters stand out in the article, the sum of their words was what really drew us to introspection.

John Woodie (we suspect this is an alias either to impress the ladies or because he works in the porn industry) laid the heavy gauge verbal ammo on the entire Glossy crew after becoming pestilently peeved by an article by alleged writer Rfreed entitled ‘Obama Let’s His Bad Self Out All Over The NRA’s LaPierre‘.

Mr. Woodie (no relation to the ‘Toy Story’ character, who even as a toy, still knew compassion), finding the admittedly obnoxious article to severely contradict his own thoroughly thought out and scientifically studied beliefs promptly fired off eviscerating email salvos intended to shred any self worth the normally passive and sheep like Glossy staff might have.

The effects of them were devastating to the sensitive and delicate natures of the shocked Glossy caretakers.

Publisher Brian White, awakening at last at 4 PM from an meth and krokodil stupor upon his harem-sized waterbed in the $10 million dollar Glossy Penthouse atop the Chrysler Building shook off the last of his dreams of having shared the watery love platform with both a naked Miley Cyrus and Sophia Vergara.

He tied his Kimono tighter around his waste and proceeded down the circular stairs to his suede-drenched office, having to push aside the empty bottles of Citron Platinum (non-circulating) littering the landing left over from the staff meeting/orgy from that afternoon. Yes, meetings in our office more than well attended, they’re also well attended.

White had the breath knocked out of him upon reading Mr. Woodies bombast, so caustic it started to melt even the specialized megapixel scene of the super Apple on his beta iPhone7. It was so shocking even he, hardened by many years in the satire field, could only emit a muted gasp. Kind of a gulp gasp, but you get the idea.

From the other side of the office he heard a whimper. There he found his faithful apprentice, Donald Trump, (yes, the same one. This job is the real secret of him making his millions,) curled up in a fetal position behind the life-size Che Guevara statue in the corner, softly sobbing, sobbing softly, and sobbing softly like an SOB.

“I take it you read the missive.” White asked of the faux-billionaire. “Oh God! …Yes!” gasped the orange husk of a man, his normally carefully plastered hair a tangled mess of orange mesh fur skewering out in all directions.) “It …was… so mean!” He then went in to an uncontrollable fit of hysterical tears, which is normally for him three to four times each day.

“Has Becky seen this?” White asked.

“Yes,” answered Trump between mad gasps of air.

“Sorry you had to read this Becky,” said White. “God!” thought White, “They are dropping like flies around here.”

An operative from inside the White House working at Glossy News headquarters known only as “J. Robinette B.” said, “They done gave us a good ass-whuppin, Delaware style!” adding, “Now I know what he meant by being butt-hurt. These NRA boys, man, they can give you an enema with astro-turfed words alone, and I do mean ass…tro-turfed. Get it?”

By the next morning, nearly all of Glossy’s 132 employees had quit or called in sick, all mauled by the savage beating they took from the viciously vocal Mr. Woody et al. Mr. White, his empire in alleged, supposed tatters, had to raise the red white and blue flag of surrender (the French one, not the US flag) and enter into negotiations to sell his website to FOX News owner Rupert Murdoch, for pennies on the dime.

Editors addendum- Midway through this fray, the purveyor of the original article, Rfreed wandered in from the street wearing his usual pink, overly tight hot pants and leather thigh high black lace up boots with stiletto heels, his white see-though halter top tied at the bottom and exposing the amazing cleavage he didn’t have, whining his eyes out. He threw himself limply upon the over-sized, overstuffed leopard skin couch and sobbed into a pillow.

“Oh God!” he whined, “that bastard implied that I was gay!”

Nothing we said would console him, and we even said we’d take him to Barney’s.

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Posted in Sports Events, War Zone1 Comment

American Team Favored to Win 2013 World Series

American Team Favored to Win 2013 World Series

ST. LOUIS – The St. Louis Cardinals made history Friday when they became the 104th American team to win the World Series. With their 6-2 victory over the Texas Rangers in game 7, The Cardinals extended the United States’ formidable record in the competition, which has only twice been won by a non-American club when the Toronto Blue Jays recorded back-to-back victories in 1992 and 1993. Continue Reading

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So Long, Farewell, Adieu! The End is Coming and it Will Get You Too!

So Long, Farewell, Adieu! The End is Coming and it Will Get You Too!

Greetings dear Readers!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to the advice of what later turned out to be a con artist, this article was not reviewed for publication prior to the end of days deadline. We had been assured that the world was ending, and as such we ceased editorial efforts and all got hooked on heroine instead.

As a result, this article is coming out late, my skin itches and I think I need to take that thin film of skin off my eye. I haven't decided yet.]

As we all know the legendary 21st of December is almost upon us which means that according to the Mayan Calendar tomorrow we are all going to croak in horrible ways.

On behalf of myself and the rest of the Glossy News staff I just wanted to take this time to say thanks to all our readers and that it has been a fun ride. You have been a swell audience and we have certainly had some fun laughs together. Continue Reading

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