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An American’s Comment On All The Balderdash Surrounding Soccer’s World Cup In Brazil.

An American’s Comment On All The Balderdash Surrounding Soccer’s World Cup In Brazil.

It is time to take the opportunity to take you folks in the rest of the world (besides the good old USA) and England especially to task for the formation and promoting since the 16th century this thing you call ‘European Football.

Also for the invention of the ‘hooliganism’ that so often accompanies it. God only knows somebody needs to, so I’ll take this heavy responsibility on my shoulders. In doing this I am trying to equal that great American critic and literary giant Ann Coulter.

The main gripe I have is this silliness that you dare to call football (you undoubtedly stole this name from our proud game). What a load of balderdash (I learned this word from watching British comedies)! A bunch of guys running around in skivvies (this word too) in the middle of winter!

It’s no wonder someone in your countries had to invent Fisherman’s Friend just to keep the poor boys going! You all look half naked out there on the playing field. It’s also no wonder your birth rate is going down- I can just see the sperms in your sacks screaming for mercy as they freeze to death from exposure out there on the playing field.

All you ever use in the game are your legs for crying out loud! How are you ever going to develop arm muscles when only your feet ever see any action? I can just see it now – two nations of men with an under torso like Popeye and an over-torso like Olive Oyl (These are two great American cartoon figures in case you didn’t know). What good is a game if you can’t wrap your arms around an opposing players neck and yank his head off like we do in American football? Have you ever tried to do that with your legs? One would need the dexterity of a Bolshoi Ballet star!

How does the scorekeeper keep from falling asleep when there are only two or three points made in an entire game? Is he really paid for such work? He should be made to sell beer in the bleachers in between scoring so he can pay his own way in this world just like the rest of us have to do. It’s like being on the dole, such work.

The ball is ridiculous. A painted over basketball in black and white that it looks like that crazy geometric molecule building that they have in Belgium (Is that another of the EU’s bright ideas?)
They should give the goalkeeper a cot in his little net so that he can take a snooze while he waits for the ball. He has about as much to do as a Luxembourg border guard.

One tip that I would heartily suggest is that the players wear the full uniforms with padding and helmet like our boys, and rough it up a bit. This would make it more exciting and also, when someone is hurt nobody gets upset because it covers up all the blood and the limbs that are twisted in the wrong direction. It is more anonymous when someone who is hurt has a helmet over their concaved face. One can remain more detached and impersonal over it. It also keeps the relatives of the player who are watching in the stand from getting so upset – they always think it is someone else’s boy.

Unfortunately, without radical changes, I cannot see much hope for the game. The playing fields are a terrible waste of green land. I know that you in England need all the green land you can get. It could really be used for something else, say for example to pave it over and make a parking lot for those cute little mini-cars you have, or to build something to build something really practical like a McDonalds or a Kentucky Fried Chicken, both time honored American institutions.

Now, none of these suggestions have anything to do with the fact that the EU is doing better than we are in the U.S. these days.
Absolutely nothing.
Really.
Honest, it really doesn’t.
Honest.

That is all I have to say….for now.
Thank you and remember to take my advice.

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Billions Happy During World Cup

Billions Happy During World Cup

RIO DE JANEIRO – Billions of football fans across the world are incredibly happy about the month-long distraction from serious news during the World Cup tournament.

“The fact that Russia might start invading Ukraine any minute now is simply not interesting compared to van Persie’s incredible header goal in the opening Netherlands – Spain World Cup match,” said Johan Kuiper of Amsterdam. Continue Reading

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First Nations Emboldened, Demand Red Sox Change Their Name

First Nations Emboldened, Demand Red Sox Change Their Name

With the hurricane centered squarely upon the Washington Red Skins, some native American tribes have seen fit to target the Red Sox, declaring them a hate-group in thier own right.

“I’ve watched the Red Sox play for years,” said Margery Margnar of Lower-Upper Boston-Adjacent. “But I never realized what a bunch of racist jerks they are.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sportsfolk2 Comments

Brazil’s Economy Skyrockets in Soccer Tournament; Millions of Wallets Stolen

Brazil’s Economy Skyrockets in Soccer Tournament; Millions of Wallets Stolen

The 2014 FIFA World Cup event will be a beneficial factor that will help Brazil with its not-so-good economy, at least that’s what Hispanic skinhead, Pitbull, had to say about it.

Hispanic, cancer man later went on to gibber on how mysteriously wallets were being stolen from foreigners. After questioned if this was the work of his 370 little, Hispanic children army, domestic violence father responded by nervously chuckling and securing the closet in which one child was hanging from a rope. Continue Reading

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Kentucky Derby Horse ‘Uncle Sigh’ Doesn’t Really Give a Damn About Race

Kentucky Derby Horse ‘Uncle Sigh’ Doesn’t Really Give a Damn About Race

Churchill Downs – As the 140th running of the Kentucky Derby nears, one fact about one of the horses in the running this year is clear: ‘Uncle Sigh’ just doesn’t give a damn.

The horse is already pissed about having to shave his beard for the race but insisted on his jockey being allowed to carry his signature green cup of special tea during the race.

“I mean, I’ll race. I got no problem with that, Jack. But I’ll be damned if they’re gonna make me leave my tea cup somewhere during the race just so someone can steal it. No way, man.” Uncle Sigh remarked. Continue Reading

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Tiger Breadsticks His Way Back Into The Masters

Tiger Breadsticks His Way Back Into The Masters

Jupiter Island, Florida – Despite withdrawing from the Masters earlier in the week after having unavoidable back surgery, Tiger Woods unexpectedly announced Thursday evening that he is back in the tournament and credits “the almighty breadstick” for helping him make a speedy recovery.

“His recuperation defies the laws of medicine and the capabilities of the human body. It demonstrates the healing power that this once complimentary item with the purchase of any entrée has and how much we still have to learn about them.” Said Tiger’s former Coach, Hank Haney, while watching an overjoyed Woods swing his club through a breaded ball, sending it almost seven feet into the air and into a pit of hot butter and garlic. Continue Reading

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I was snubbed by the U.S. Olympic Ski Team

I was snubbed by the U.S. Olympic Ski Team

Dear U.S. Olympic Ski Team:

Congratulations on an outstanding Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. And hey, that 18 year-old Mikaela Shiffrin was impressive on the giant slalom. Well done.

I just have one minor complaint to register: Why did you leave me off the team? I contacted you last summer, telling you I wanted to try out for the men’s freestyle aerials or half pipe or any alpine event you guys thought might attract babes. Continue Reading

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Danica Patrick Accuses NASCAR Drivers of Misogyny

Danica Patrick Accuses NASCAR Drivers of Misogyny

NASCAR driver Danica Patrick charged other drivers with sexism and misogyny after being bumped in Sundays Daytona 500 causing her to crash into the outer wall and ending her race.

“There’s only one woman at Daytona today and who gets driven off the track? Connect the dots and do the math.” Patrick added “Well, I can’t do the math but I’m sure one of you men out there can help me with that.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sports Scandals2 Comments

IOC Officials Admit Curling Event Added To Be More Inclusive

IOC Officials Admit Curling Event Added To Be More Inclusive

In a stunning admission the International Olympic Committee issued a statement today confirming Curling was added to be more inclusive to non-athletes.

The IOC had come under fire for its wall-to-wall coverage of this years Curling competition, many times at the expense of more popular sports such as hockey and downhill skiing. The move elicited a collective WHAT THE FUCK from much of the civilized sporting world.

The statement read “For decades the Olympics has been criticized for not being more inclusive of non-athletes. Continue Reading

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Olympics Save Money By Giving Out Fool’s Gold Trophies

Olympics Save Money By Giving Out Fool’s Gold Trophies

In an attempt to curtail expenses the Olympic Committee has taken the measure of exchanging 1st place gold trophies with ones made out of fool’s gold, the famous mineral often mistaken for gold by enterprising miners. These pseudo statues will be given out to less popular Olympic events such as curling, biathlon, cross-country and short track speed skating.

The athletes in the groups getting the second hand prizes are quite upset over the development. “We work just as hard as the rest of the athletes here.” stated Bruno Armbender, leader of the Macedonian curling team. “Why should we be penalized because we aren’t as pretty as the half naked ice skaters?”

A number of the affected players have raised a vociferous protest which has resulted in violence. Olympic officials have complained of curling discs suddenly bounding towards them as they get out of their cars when they get home. “I never would have guessed that these wimpy things could pack such a punch!” said Rusquero Rasheesh through a microphone implanted in his head to toe traction cast in the Sochi Municipal Hospital #34.

A number of other officials have been admitted to local hospitals with incredibly well aimed small caliber rifle shots to the right buttocks. “I think they are using the right buttocks as a target to symbolize that it is capitalists behind the cheap trophy decision.” commented Dr. Vlad Impaler from Hospital #762.

Other Olympic officials have been admitted covered with cross-country ski marks or speed skating marks all over them. “I didn’t even see them coming….” is the common remark.

To make up for whole categories of Olympic events falling out of the event in protest, the officials have called in the bikini volleyball teams to participate even though it is officially a Summer Olympic event. They had thought that the sight of abundant nude female flesh would distract viewers from the conflict. Unfortunately 80% of the swimsuit clad participants acquired frostbite in highly sensitive feminine locations in the first set of contests. The exception to this was the Russian Inuit team who are used to having to play in unfavorable winter conditions as they live so far north that they do not even know what summer is. They won the gold medal only to find it was really made of iron pyrite which caused them to beat Olympic officials with frozen volleyballs.

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Whipping set to replace Screeching in Olympic Curling

Whipping set to replace Screeching in Olympic Curling

Dateline: Lausanne, Switzerland—After an Olympic curler died of a heart attack from haranguing her teammates as they swept the ice, the International Olympic Committee has ruled that instead of yelling so much for no good reason, curlers in the next Winter Olympics will whip each other.
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Comatose Broncos Fan Awakens to Horrible Reality

Comatose Broncos Fan Awakens to Horrible Reality

A Denver Broncos fan who has been in a coma since 5 minutes into the Superbowl has finally awakened and close friends are unsure how to tell him what happened.

According to witnesses, Tindell Higby III, a University of Colorado senior, passed out with approximately 10:48 left in the first quarter and never regained consciousness.

“We’d been doing Jello shots since noon getting ready for the pre-game activities,” said one man who declined to be identified, but described pre-game activities as a game of “Bong Tag”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Sports Events6 Comments

Denver’s Offensive Playbook Found!

Denver’s Offensive Playbook Found!

Rutherford, New Jersey – Following the Denver Broncos horrific 43-8 loss in Super Bowl XLVIII to the Seattle Seahawks at MetLife Stadium, fans were left scratching their heads trying to determine what happened to the NFL’s top ranked offense that averaged 37.9 points-per-game in the regular season.

“I think everyone watching knew something was wrong from Denver’s opening play when Manning flubbed the snap,” said Referee James Chicanski after the game. Continue Reading

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Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi

Sober Russians Pose Security Threat At Sochi

Each week the Russian military, secret police and Sochi security authorities receive dozens of homemade videos made by ethnic Russians threatening terrorist attacks on innocent civilians at the Sochi Olympics.

Almost all are dismissed as the drunken rankings of misfits, homosexuals or comsymps.

However,in mid December they received a video from two Chechnyans taking credit for the terrorist bombing at a train station in Volgograd that killed 34 people. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Sports Events1 Comment

George Zimmerman To Box Black Ewok

George Zimmerman To Box Black Ewok

Alamo, TX - Boxing promoter Damon Feldman announced today he has inked a deal for cult neighborhood watch leader George Zimmerman to fight black dwarf actor Tony Cox in a celebrity boxing match to be held in Selma, Alabama on March 1st.

Cox is best known for his roles in Bad Santa and Date Movie as well as playing an Ewok in Return of the Jedi. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Sports Events0 Comments

What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The Super Bowl

What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The Super Bowl

Far beyond the reaches of normal men’s consciousnesses there exists a part of the etheric worlds where what could have been still can be.

All events as remembered by the minds of men are not held fast in memories lock, but are fluid and flexible, and not confined to history’s limiting pages.

All the conditions that led to so many ‘historical’ events, be they political, military, or even that most mundane of human activities- sports- are a set of possibilities leading up to results that are now considered locked in an illusionary time and place called history.

But what if those conditions had been altered- the weather caused one army to defeat another instead of vice-versa, an accident of death to one individual causes an entire nations fate to be altered and so forth? What if the aftermath of those conditions could be played out as though something different had changed the course of a history and could be known to we mere mortals?

Say, for instance, if the Green Bay Packers had not been defeated by the San Francisco 49er’s in the play offs and had gone on to play the Seattle Sea Hawks in the Super Bowl, what would the multiple minute conditions that would be altered be, all the little variables like the changes in the weather from one place to the other, from the changes in the national football consciousness as a result, from the attitudes of the different players involved be. What would have been the outcome?

Using spiritual seers who can peer deeply into the etheric mists, we have uncovered ‘The Mystery Of What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The 2014 Super Bowl’- a foretelling as full of haunting majesty, power and glory as the ghosts visiting Scrooge on Christmas Eve.

Forth down, fifteenth yard line, fourth quarter. The Packers again have the Seahawks on the ropes as they battle if out for another touchdown. The Packers have, out of sheer pity, allowed the Seahawks to get 6 points ahead so that the foredooming loss will not ruin their self-esteem.

That is the famous compassion that Wisconsiners have for all out of staters, but now even that virtue must come to an end in the scrimmage for the top glory of footballdom. Now it was payback time. Quarterback Aaron Rogers falls back, fakes a pass, then runs it in himself side-arming several Seahawks who fall on the ground and cry like babies, some at being hurt and some at the score being even upped.

The field goal scores and the Seahawks are sweating. The lineup forms, the Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson throws. Ball goes 15 yards downfield and is caught. Player is tackled by the Packer human battering rams; the Seahawks runner’s leg is accidentally is broken off at the hip. Player is carried off field screaming wildly in pain. Packers put detached leg on ice to save for the trophy room.

Seahawks pass another ball 10 yards downfield, Packers corn-fed bulldozers bear down on him. Ball recipient screams like a girl and immediately heads for sidelines. Gets caught one foot short of sidelines and is buried under a wave of green and gold uniforms. When pile of oversized bodies is finally pulled off him his head is twisted around backwards, making it hard for him to chew food and walk down a street straight for the rest of his life.

On the next play, Russell Wilson runs the ball himself, then when he sees the Packer bullet trains pounding towards him, he turns and runs 20 yards back shrieking wildly and successful makes it to the sidelines before being avalanched by the Packer defense.

An angered Seahawks cheerleader seeing this grabs the ball from him and runs it down field herself. She is daintily tackled by the Packers front men at the 20 yard line. She finds herself excited by this experience and gives all five men her phone number and tells them to call her after the game.

Russell Wilson is set upon by the other cheerleaders who are humiliated by his actions, beaten to a cottage cheese consistency, and, in a move that led to quite a bit of television censorship, was ‘Bobbited’ and thereby deprived forever of his manhood.

Now desperate not to be embarrassed by the whole nation and having their star quarterback de-manned in public, the Seahawks pull out their last card. In a move that ranks in the highest level of treachery, cunning and outright bastardly conniving, they introduce the secret quarterback they had covertly hired as a trump card just in case of such an emergency ensued. The new quarterback comes out on the field covered by a blanket to conceal his identity.

The huddle forms, the new thrower for the Seahawks throws off the blanket. A gasp goes through the Packer stadium. It is Brett Favre, more infamous than Benedict Arnold even as a traitor.

seahawks-slam-twoA resounding ‘Boooooooooooooo!!! sounds through the entire stadium, then, as the images reach TV sets, throughout the entire city of Green Bay, then throughout the whole state of Wisconsin, reaching decibels so loud that they knock out communications satellites in space above the Midwest for the next twenty minutes.

The lines form, the ball is shunted, Favre passes. The ball goes downfield, is caught and taken to the end zone for a goal. The entire stadium screams in unison, making a bestial moan so strong that it moves the earth a full meter off its rotation.

The entire Packer team, driven by outrage to a level of frustration that no human should ever have to endure, rush their former teammate and pile down on him, beefy appendages flailing. In a ten minute massacre that TV censors will soon call ‘the day we really made big overtime’, the assault on Favre is so thorough that what is left of him is passed through a sieve and put in a bottle for burial.

Thus the 2014 Super Bowl becomes the first ever to end in default. Too afraid of the rabid Packer fans, the game officials just hand the Packers the trophy and go running for the gates. Only a few clips of the Packers celebrating their victory surface, taken by private cameras and photo devices as all professional camera men had run for their lives.

They show a jubilant Packerland mob celebrating their heroes win and the ones taken when they thought no one was watching no one was watching showing them stomping the surviving Seahawks players into the Astroturf like grapes being made into fine Wisconsin jelly, a proud tradition handed down from their Viking heritage.

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