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Tapped Phone Conversation Between Putin and Assad Proves Revealing

Tapped Phone Conversation Between Putin and Assad Proves Revealing

The famous expose website Wakileaks (yes, that is spelled correctly) has successfully tapped into a most intriguing phone call between those two most beloved of dictators in the world- Bashar al-Assad and his Grace Vladimir Putin of Russia. We have the transcript here just as it was translated from the phone tap:


Putin: Hello my old buddy Bashar! How are you doing?

Assad: Ah, Putin! My best friend, my ally, my colleague, the guy who saves my butt! How are you yourself?

Putin: Oh, quite good, old chum. A few miscreant Chechens here and there, but nothing like what you are having to put up with.

Assad: Yes, truly. But there are still a lot of loyal soldiers between me and my miscreants. I have so many who would fight and die for me that even if half of them were to be killed their dead bodies would still make a wall high enough to keep the rebels….er, ‘terrorists’ out!

Putin: Yes, Bashir, you must be careful to use the right terminology these days. Be sure to call them ‘terrorists’ so that we keep the Westerners on our side.

Assad: I bow to your wisdom, Czar Putin! It is your genius that is tearing apart my enemies both in Syria and in the rest of the western world as well. Your latest ploy, to let the rebel Syrian men and families flee through Russia to Norway couldn’t be better! They escape into the one northern land that is not European Union, take seed amongst one of the smallest populated countries in Europe and suddenly we have a force of people to draw upon in one of the richest countries in the world! Brilliant!

Putin: Yes! And the fool westerners do not even question why they do not simply ask for asylum in Russia. As though we would want them. Of course I would have my loyal Cossacks to deal with those who want to settle here just as they dealt with the Jews that we used to have a problem with. Now they are all in Israel or in a cold, unattended, anonymous grave!

Assad: It will be so great when we can begin siphoning some of that abundant oil money they have in Norway to our own causes back here at home. And the rest of the immigrants fleeing to Europe will tear the EU apart better than any atom bomb. Already they are re-erecting the borders that they so proudly tore down back in the ’90’s!

Putin: Indeed! Not to mention draining the economy of those who are having to deal with them. But that is not all. Already the covert plants we put into France have already begun to sow destruction in Paris. Soon Europe will be so Muslimized that it will be like a reverse Crusade! I will remind them of the power of the Soviet bear! This is their fate for the sanctions they levied upon us for taking Crimea! Anything that Russia seizes in its paws shall remain Russian forever and ever!

Assad: Um….speaking of which, Vladimir……do you intend on returning to me those parts of Syria that your planes and your ground troops have taken over fighting the rebels?

Putin: Ahhhh…..yes……of course I do! Whatever would make you think that? I mean….we are comrades! We cannot betray each other.

Assad (sounding somewhat doubtful) Hmmmm…. I remember that famous photo of Russian President Brezhnev giving the East German President Honecker a kiss right before pawning him and all the other Eastern European communist satellites out to the West.

Putin (trying to sound reassuring) Oh, come now Bashar! Do you really think I would betray you like a Jewish Judas?

Assad (speaking levelly) Just in case I mined the Syrian harbor we allow your naval vessels to use.

Putin: Oh……..OK……… guess I better get back to work killing those rebels……..

Assad: Might not be a bad idea. Bye.



Posted in Politics, Strange People0 Comments

The Great Trump’s First Day As President.

The Great Trump’s First Day As President.

Dolly Darling, the President’s Secretary, excitedly and fearfully puts the finishing touches to the Oval Office, the new lair of her boss Donald Trump. He would be here shortly and she knows all too well how critical he is that everything should be perfect., or at least perfect as Donald Trump sees it. She knocks some lint off the large velvet rendition of Elvis in day glow colors in full rocker mode when he was still young and svelte. It hangs where the portrait of Thomas Jefferson used to.

Dolly dusts off the flashing neon light that screams ‘The Prez’ in eye-irritating flashing fluorescent scarlet above the door to all who come to seek the new Leader’s favor. Dolly Darling is not her real name, but she has used it for so long that she has almost forgotten her actual name. DD was her stage moniker as she moved up through the Atlantic City ranks from cigarette girl to stripper to bartender to Trump’s part-time lover. Now she culminates her career as the secretary to the President of the United States. She has already excitedly told all her friends, but not to her relatives to whom she disappeared years ago.

She hears the Mariachi band coming in that El Grande Hombre (as he wishes to be called by them) has ordered for his entrance into his new digs. “Oh, hello!” She smilingly greets the four dark skinned men dressed up as perfect stereo types of south of the border musicales right down to the over-sized sombreros. It was good they were all of varying height otherwise they would have taken up half the space in the room.

“So, do you speak English?” she asks them in as nice a way as she can. She normally didn’t like having anything to do with people who weren’t WASP’s, but she beamed her best smile and hoped it would work.

“Of course ma’am.” the taller one answered in accent-less English. “El Grande Hombre would put up with nothing less than American born mariachi players. We all have our birth certificates with us just in case.”

“Oh, that is wonderful.” she smiled. She was a bit taken back by his ability to communicate so well. She was used to the bus boys and janitors at Trump’s casinos who wouldn’t learn English if you beat them with a club. “OK! Go ahead and set yourselves up beside the door. He will be here any minute.”

Just as soon as she said that she heard the clip-clopping of Mr. Big’s (as Trump wanted to be called by all Anglo visitors to his new mansion) Allen Edmonds shoes as their hard, expensive soles met the polished marble of the White House’s floor. He, knowing that all Presidents wore these handmade American shoes, immediately ordered a pair and had them picked up by Air Force One. Nothing but the best for the new Prez.

“Hey babe! How’s it shaking?” stated President Trump to Dolly as he flamboyantly entered his new domain. “Is everything ramped up?”

“It is indeed, Mr. President Trump!” replied Dolly, flashing her best smile, despite feeling like there was the onset of an ulcer in her stomach.


The mariachi band started up, playing a tinny version of Hail To The Chief. When finished they smiled broadly thinking they had done well.

The Donald smiled for a moment, then said, “That was great guys! You can go now.” He held the door open for them as they left somewhat sheepishly.

“You got the place all ready, Dolly?”

“I sure do, Mr. Trump…..”

“Aah, aah now Dolly! ‘Mr. President!’ Remember that!”

“Of course, Mr. Trump President.”

Trump gleefully rubs his hands together. “So here I am! The President of the United States! It was destiny! It was Fate! It was a lot of conniving and baby kissing! So what, dear Dolly, is on my agenda for today?”

Dolly looks down at the schedule pad she has in her hands. “You have a meeting with the Governor of Macao over getting the Chinese approval for the Trump Amusement Park and Casino complex there…”

“How much do we have set aside in bribe money for them?”

“Umm….(she looks at her figures) $500,000.”

“Hmmm, that might not be enough, These Chinese officials are getting used to the big money now. Better make it $600,000.”

Dolly writes it down. “OK. After that you have a meeting with European Union officials about taking our share of Syrian refugees…”

“Oh hell! Have them give the refugees hand guns and send them back to Syria! They need to take care of their own troubles! Give them a memo to that effect and send them packing.”

“Oh, yes! President Putin called and wanted to chat about easing sanctions against Russia.”

“Hmm… Yeah, set up a time and I’ll talk to him. We shouldn’t burden him now that he’s become a good Capitalist. We don’t want them sliding back to communism. Also we need to reverse as many Obama policies as possible to make it look like we are really doing something here. Americans have forgotten about Ukraine and Crimea by now anyway.”

A light and buzzer flash on her desk. Dolly looks at it and says “Oh my! Gentlemen from Exxon, Halliburton and Shell Oil are here to see you!”

Trump beams. “My first visitors! Send them in! This shall be a portent of things to come!”

Three big, well dressed, imposing men come into the Oval Office. They all shake hands.

The first man speaks, “Greetings Mr. Big!” Trump beams at this. “I am Wonton Greid from Halliburton. This is Mr. Preise Gouger from Shell Oil and Mr. Merci Les Sleaze from Exxon Mobile Company. We just wanted to meet and congratulate you on your new conquest. It looks like you are set up real nice here.”

“Set up is the right way to put it, gentlemen. So, what can I do you out of today?”

“Oh, we just wanted to make sure we were all riding for the same brand here. Ours, namely.”

The three men all laugh uproariously over this. “Now we know that being as how you are a business man yourself you know how things go here. We all have to scratch each other backs.”

“And line each others pockets!” intercepted the Exxon man.

“Gentlemen, you are now looking at the biggest back scratcher in the United States.” He does a fake bow. “Let me put your fears to rest. As you said, I am a businessman. I know the road. Let me say it this way: Whatever your interests are, they are mine too. I am going to streamline this country so that it more effectively serves you, the industrial bosses of America. No more ‘Ask what can I do for my country.’ Instead it will be “What can this country do for me?” Money is the oil that lubricates this great land and we need lots of it!”

“So that we can get lubricated ourselves!” laughs the Exxon man at his own joke.

“Indeed!” agrees Trump. “And should everything go sour then we always have the American tax payer to bail us out. The set up we’ve had since the ’08 Recession has worked out quite fine so far- they pay the taxes and we use them to keep ourselves afloat!”

“Here, here!” say all three men together boisterously.

“Yes!” said the Shell Oil man enthusiastically. “The very best type of Capitalism there is- Socialized Corporate Bailout!”

“Indeed!” agreed Trump. “Nothing like good business practices to make sure the business comes our way!”

“Well, President Trump, it is great to see that you will be steering this country in the right direction, one very different than that Islamic communistic jungle bunny before you did!”

Trump raises his hand in vow, “I will fully fumigate this office, this government and this society of all democratic pestilence and keep it sanctifingly clean for our new religion, that of getting all you can as quickly and easily as you can.”

“Amen, sir, amen!” said the Halliburton man as they all heartily shook hands and left.

Dolly appears at the door again. “Hillary Clinton is on the phone to give her concession.”

“Oh, good! Put her through!” He listens for her voice. When he hears it he yells through the phone “Loser!” and hangs up. He hisses “Bitch!” under his breath.

Shortly there is another buzz. “President Mr. Trump, there is a Mr. LaPierre from the NRA to see you.”

“Good, good! Send him in.”

A moment later the severe face of the President of the National Rifle Association peeks through the door, a plastered smile across his face.

“Hey there, boss man! How is it going?”

“Great Wayne! Just great! Come on in!”

“I wanted to talk to you about what your stance on guns is going to be.”

“Can you sell them?”

“Oh, we sure can!”

“Then my stance is go for it! I am all for free enterprise as long as you ain’t givin’ them away for free!”

LaPierre chuckles at this. “Oh believe me, Mr. President, that is the only freedom we don’t believe in.”

They both laugh.

LaPierre gets serious again. “There is one other….. small…. trivial thing I wanted to discuss with you. I wanted to see if we could make one, small, slight basically insignificant change to the Constitution if you will.”

“What is that?”

“I think it would do the American public good, and our businesses as well, if we were to expand the Second Amendment to state that not only can we bear arms but also bazookas, cannons, tanks, surface to air missiles, personal fighter jets and a number of other personal paraphernalia. We are finding it rather limiting that individuals here are only allowed to have guns. We could also make billions more if they had some of the harder stuff.”

“And what is my cut of it?”

“’What did you say?”

Trump, somewhat louder, “What is my cut of it?”

“Ohh……um….. 15% of the profits…..”

“What is my cut of it?”

“Ahhhh….20% of it……”

“I seem to be having a hard time hearing you.”

“Oh… I said 25%.”

“Hmm, 25%. that is very generous of you. I think we can work with that amount.”

“Oh, thank you President Trump.”

“That’s Mr. Big….”

“Right, right, Mr. Big. Thank you Mr. Big.”
He keeps repeating this and bowing Japanese style as he exits backwards.

Trump pauses for a minute in reflection, then comes back to himself and buzzes Dolly. “Where are those buttons the Generals were showing me yesterday, Toots?”

Dolly comes in and opens up the top drawer of his desk. “Right here Sir.”

“Ahh so! Any bigger and it would have bit me! Thanks.”

She leaves as he sits down at his desk and contemplates the device. He thinks out load. “Now how did they say to set this thing?” He tinkers with it. “Where are those instructions?” He fishes out a big manual. “Green button- alert. Yellow button- setting up launch cycle. Red button- Attack. Oh yeah! And here a knob that lets you pick which country. Portugal, Senegal, Brazil, Luxembourg…..hmm…that is where I had that bad fish dinner and the waiter was rude. I should take them out. They aren’t much good for anything anyway.” He presses the button. “Oops, I probably shouldn’t have done that. Oh well, the EU can pick up the mess.”

The buzzer buzzes. “There are some veterans from the Iraqi War here to see you Mr. President Trump.”

“Oh God!” murmurs The Trump to himself. “Tell them that the welfare office is down the street. If they come again sic the guards on them. I don’t want to be disturbed for a while!”

He sits back and reflects back for a moment, then says “Hey honey! Do you have the remote for the TV here? Thanks doll!”


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Trump Riled He’s Not on Anon’s KKK List

Trump Riled He’s Not on Anon’s KKK List

Presidential hopeful and media prostitute Donald Trump took to Twitter Thursday evening, erupting at not being included in the Hacktivist organization Anonymous’ KKK list.

The billionaire Trump, whose campaign has revolved around deporting over 11 million illegal aliens if he’s elected President, insisted that he was deliberately omitted from the list in an attempt by Anonymous to attack his character. Continue Reading


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Funny Cat Story: Explanation (More Sensible than the Story!)

Funny Cat Story: Explanation (More Sensible than the Story!)

An anonymous source from Romania emailed me the ‘IsNoCan’t’ funny cat story as an example of a typical Eastern European fairy tale.

When they contacted me, they claimed they were following a tip from a former vegetable gardener I had met on Snapchat for an impromptu professional gymnastics investment.

However, my memory is hazy about all of this (partly from the passing of many long and happy years in the recent interim), and I can’t say for sure who the person was.

In any case, my source is some kind of an anonymous person of one sort or another, so I respect their (somewhat) sincerely held artistic convictions… Continue Reading


Posted in Kidz Zone, Strange People0 Comments

WikiLeaks Gets An Inside Look At Assad’s “Historic” Meeting With Putin

WikiLeaks Gets An Inside Look At Assad’s “Historic” Meeting With Putin

The famed web expose site WikiLeaks scored a mammoth coup this week with its hidden camera surveillance of the Assad/Putin meeting in Moscow.

The leader of Syria and the President of Russia were presumably meeting to discuss their mutual concerns about the rebellion in Syria. The hidden tapes revealed much more than that.

The following is a direct transcript of the meeting of the two dictators translated into English: Continue Reading


Posted in Strange People, War Zone0 Comments

Trumpenstein Horror Now Threatens Republicans

Trumpenstein Horror Now Threatens Republicans

A Rathskeller deep in the forested woods. Night has drawn its blackest curtain across the outer world, blocking out even the niggardly light from the stars.

Rain hammers against the windows and lightning cackles in the air.

A troupe of men with faces that seek the shadows meet in a corner booth away from the gazes of the other inn patrons.

They speak in cautious whispers that they wish no other ears to intrude upon: Continue Reading


Posted in Politics, Strange People0 Comments

Hey Kids! Make Your Own ‘Trump for President ‘ Bumper Stickers!

Hey Kids! Make Your Own ‘Trump for President ‘ Bumper Stickers!

Hey Kids! Have Some Fun Cutting Out These ‘Trump For President’ Bumper Stickers!!!

Here is what you need for a little summer fun! Just print off these patriotic bumper stickers, snitch a pair of scissors and some glue from your mom when she isn’t looking and have a blast pasting them all over cars in your neighborhood!

What better way to spend a summer day!

What better way to experience juvenile detention at an early age!

Think of all the no-fun you’ll have!



THE 1%!
VOTE TRUMP!!!!!!!!!

WITH A BANG!!!!!!!


Keep the political satirists and cartoonists
employed for the next four years!





Posted in Politics, Strange People0 Comments

Donald Trump’s War Record

Donald Trump’s War Record

After Donald Trump’s scathing attack on Senator John McCain’s war record the Investigation’s Department here at Glossy News did a little digging into Trump’s own military record.

It turns out that the great Donald also has a legacy of war experience.

Here is what we have uncovered:

As a young child Donald Trump on 10 separate occasions was involved in fierce snowball fights, one even causing injury to his right leg as he was hit by a devious ice-ball. Continue Reading


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Exclusive Interview w/ John Hance, Incredible Teller of Big Whoppers at The Grand Canyon

Exclusive Interview w/ John Hance, Incredible Teller of Big Whoppers at The Grand Canyon

You’ve heard the tales of Paul Bunyan.
You know the exploits of Pecos Bill.
Maybe you’ve heard of the German Baron Munchhausen.
But have you ever heard the legend of John Hance? You will now:

Glossy News has succeeded in gaining an interview with one of the greats of Grand Canyon history- the unforgettable John Hance, the first white man to live at the Grand Canyon and famous story teller from the late 1800’s. Continue Reading


Posted in Strange People, Travel0 Comments

An Interview With Osama bin Laden (Yes, we know that he is already dead)

An Interview With Osama bin Laden (Yes, we know that he is already dead)

… but we aren’t going to let that stop us…

Glossynews has gained the unique opportunity to interview the infamous terrorist Osama bin Laden, the instigator of the 911 attacks on the U.S..

Reaching him at his present location in Purgatory, we were able to have the following conversation with him –

Glossy – Good day, Mr. bin Laden. How are you? Continue Reading


Posted in Crime, Strange People2 Comments

Bruce Jenner Debuts New Film Along with Name

Bruce Jenner Debuts New Film Along with Name

NEW YORK CITY – The world received a double dose of Caitlyn Jenner on Monday as the American culture, fashion and politics magazine, Vanity Fair, released their upcoming cover with Caitlyn sitting on a stool and the man-turned-woman also announced participation in an upcoming feature remake being released later in the year. Continue Reading


Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Strange People0 Comments

EXCLUSIVE – An Interview With Mrs. Tsarnaev- Mother Of The Boston Bombers

EXCLUSIVE – An Interview With Mrs. Tsarnaev- Mother Of The Boston Bombers

Glossy – Good day, Mrs. Tsarnaev! Thank you for agreeing to do this interview with us.

Mrs. Tsarnaev – You should be thankful, you American sensationalist pig.

Glossy – Um…. well, that gets things off to a rousing start! As long as we are on the subject, why did your family come to America?

Mrs. Tsarnaev – We came here to experience the American Dream.

Glossy – Oh, you mean experiencing freedom and the importunity to make your lives better? Continue Reading


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Oregon Man Successfully Hides Chin from Wife

Oregon Man Successfully Hides Chin from Wife

Portland, OR—The vanity of the world is reaching new heights, or should I say lows.

Recently in the news, a Korean husband divorced his wife when she birthed an ugly child, an Indian woman left her husband when she discovered he couldn’t spell, and a Mexican man, hell-bent on singlehandedly populating the world, abandoned his wife when he learned she was secretly using birth control. Continue Reading


Posted in Human Interest, Strange People0 Comments

Guy Who Screams “IF ONLY YOU KNEW HOW THEY FEEL!” Actually Doesn’t.

Guy Who Screams “IF ONLY YOU KNEW HOW THEY FEEL!” Actually Doesn’t.

Sexually frustrated loudmouth, Humbert Hegel, is a very vocal coffee-break-emancipator at a certain academic institution.

But what’s the one thing everyone loves about Humbert?

… Apart from his being so damn interdisciplinary that there’s NOTHING IN THIS WORLD about which he’s not an unquestionable and unqualified unqualifiedly infallible expert? Continue Reading


Posted in Human Interest, Strange People0 Comments

Justifiable Justice – Making the Punishment Ergonomic with the Crime

Justifiable Justice – Making the Punishment Ergonomic with the Crime

Punishments for crime have become rote in our modern society.

A person can murder any number of people and still be allowed to live his life out even though he is less that worthless to the society which allows him to survive.

Monsters on the international level can create atrocities for which they are not condemned.

Irresponsible pundits appear on the world stage who wreck havoc with in their own lands and yet are able to convince their fellow citizens that they are heroes. Continue Reading


Posted in Strange People5 Comments

KKK Tell us What Real Rap is All About

KKK Tell us What Real Rap is All About

Previous version published on, entitled: “KKK: Underground Rap A-OK, but ONLY Underground Rap.”

Well hey, some classics just bear repeating. You can’t seriously tell me my remixes are inferior to those of, say, Axwell and all those dudes.

The Ku Klux Klan has made a somewhat peculiar (and not necessarily entirely sincere?) attempt to find black supporters and allies. Continue Reading


Posted in Music, Strange People, Top Stories1 Comment

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