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Wahhabis, Southern Baptists Ban Side-boob; Episcopalians Undecided

Wahhabis, Southern Baptists Ban Side-boob; Episcopalians Undecided

Love ‘em or hate ‘em; but like death, taxes, and embarrassingly contrived and preposterous MSNBC op-eds, side-boobs are here to stay.

Yup: never mind bitterly warring and counter-warring and counter-counter-counter-owch-a-doodle-warring Social Justice Warriors on Tumblr; or Hamilton Nolan’s online privilege Olympics on Gawker.

Nah! There is only one web phenomenon sexually frustrated late-teenage and early-adult web users just can’t get enough of… side-boob.

But not everybody is down with the latest web phenomenon. For one, a fatwa from prominent Wahhabi cleric and respected intercultural communicator Patrick “Ginger” McCarthy Goodman Ibn Taymiyya, informs us:

“No good woman would even contemplate indulging in such an ungodly and depraved practice. I mean, look at my wife… well, actually you’d bloody well better NOT! Or I’ll stone the living crap out of you and everyone you know; whether known carnally or by mere pious acquaintance! … Anyway, MY wife would NEVER do that.”

Unfortunately, as regards the oh-so maliciously quote-mined fatwa above, 500 million Tumblr followers (nightly rising) (SIC!) disagree with his most exalted godliness’s statement … well, at least the bit about his wife, anyway.

(Thanks to my anonymous source, Brian K. White from Glossynews, for at least one small part of the information given above).

And the Southern Baptist Convention have shown some inter-Abrahamic solidarity, thus honoring Professor Emeritus Pat Buchanan’s famous historical hypothesis of a common Judeo-Christian-Islamic civilization stretching right from Ancient Greece and 18th century America up to the entire 7th century Middle East (and counting), with the following words:

“This one time, the Wahhabis are right. Side-boob is wicked. The Apostle tells us the Devil and wicked people are always inventing new things. You know, like microwave ovens, depraved faith-based pseudo-scientific superstitions like Darwinianism and vaccine science, wind energy (how the hell can a mere breeze provide enough energy to power a TV? You’ve got to be kidding me? They just turn the sound off to save power or what?)”

(As we live in an increasingly litigious society, I should probably point out that when I said the Southern Baptist Convention, I ACTUALLY meant the Southern Baptist Convention of Topeka, Kansas; sorry if anyone got confused and worried, and started anxiously fiddling with the crotch of their lawyer).

Still, Episcopalians are currently lacking consensus on this crucial and all-important issue™. One Despairing-True-Believer-Who Has-Had-it-up-to-Here-With-Liberal-Compromises™ educated me as follows:

Look, when they started having women priests, I thought nothing of it; well, not much; within reason, you known. Just went and smashed up a few phone boxes… well, and the odd hobo or two… well, within reason. And… gay priests? I could just about put up with it… well, with a wee bit of anger management, hours upon hours of tantric yoga mutual circle-jerking, and inevitably, popping a crapload of barbiturates 24/7.

But side-boob? This is the absolute Devil’s work, and no-one in our church has condemned it! I mean, there’s no way in hell I can stay in such a cesspool of unadulterated ecclesiastical depravity™ a moment longer!…

Actually, do you know any religions I could join which make a principled stand against side-boob?… Scientology, maybe? I hear these guys have an opinion about absolutely everything; and they don’t just bend over, kneel down, turn around and change their minds whenever someone contradicts them! Well,if THAT’S so, then they must REALLY know the truth!

On the other hand, one female priest told me:

This debate is getting way out of proportion. Most Christian authorities have opposed homosexuality and abortion, until relatively recently; the majority probably still do. And so you get dogmatically entrenched and violent fanatics on either side quoting verses and authorities to each other, roaring and screaming and attempting to prove who has The Absolute Truth™ and What The Supreme Authority ACTUALLY meant™; kinda like World of Warcraft web forums, huh?

Well, the sole exception is those Pentecostal snake-charmers, who don’t cite the Bible, but shove their ‘Private Revelations from the Lord™’ in my face. I mean, those jerks are just pretentious, self-important losers who annoy the hell out of me.

I mean, I don’t know why anyone, at any point in history, would choose to follow some devious charlatan who claimed God was speaking to THEM PERSONALLY. I mean, seriously? You’ve got to be kidding me!

BUT… as distinguished from homosexuality and abortion, there is NOTHING… absolutely NOTHING in the Bible about side-boob. I mean, I know us people on the Left Wing of the Church always say that… but this time, I REALLY mean it!™

Hmm… what do I think? Well, I can imagine an all-knowing Creator of the Universe having an opinion on war; abortion (perhaps particularly with regards to sex-selective, racially selective, disability-selective etc)… the persistence of deeply-ingrained social prejudices; narcotic abuse; not to mention selfish men who can’t keep their dick in their pants, and who decide to cut and run when their girlfriend becomes pregnant…

But when it comes to side-boob, I think he’s got better things to worry about. I mean, I think some of these guys are over-thinking these things. But then, what the Hell would I know?…

Hey, quit it! Didn’t I tell you to stop touching that lawyer!

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Posted in Religionism, Strange People0 Comments

David Duke “Clarifies” Anti-Semitic Comments

David Duke “Clarifies” Anti-Semitic Comments

Famously-allegedly-ish “non-racist™” White supremacist; oh sorry, how un-PC; I meant achingly conspicuous “racial realist™” David Duke has popped out (sorry, popped up) once again.

Yes, His Most Exalted Ideological Hipsterness has recently expressed what he calls his “utmost sincere contrition and regret” for a despicable comment he made in a TV interview.

Surprising, huh? Well, kein Scheisse!…

Fox TV viewers were horrified to hear The Most Hazardous Duke Of All™ speak of New York as “Jew York City.”

Well, I say horrified; others were overjoyed, such as the Hardcore-Leftie-Euroweenie/BDSM-Campaign-loving-overgrown/undergrown-student-activist/SJW-Fox-viewing-contingent.

Still, upon Bill O’Reilly roaring at him that choice of words was an extremely offensive right-wing microaggression and obviously racist, Duke appeared visibly shaken and almost at the point of tears.

Admittedly, this might have been more to do with getting a severe hard-left verbal pounding from Bill-O than with any sincere recognition of his own wrongdoing.

Still, the flamboyantly callous, former Exalted-Kexalted-Decepticon-Klepticon™ of the KKK has since “explained” and “apologized” in what reads (at least to his ubiquitous and irritatingly PC haters™, as the Man-from-the-Klan calls them) as a surprisingly flustered, rambling, and incoherent statement:

I am absolutely overcome with the sincerest and utmost remorse for my inexcusable and thoughtless words, and do so very humbly beg forgiveness from my fellow Americans who are Jewish, and who are also my beloved compatriots.

Yes, I am trained as a scholar, my name is DOCTOR David Duke™, remember the first of these three words, oh do ye remember them, my brethren!

Why a scholar? Huh? Yeah yeah yeah, well, this is really relevant, I mean you ought to know that all my writings are based on my mind making quick-fire connections between this and that…

Highly relevant, yeah, because I am afraid that when I made my somewhat insensitive or careless comments (albeit ones maliciously and deviously distorted by malign subaltern forces that I shall not name in this context), I inexcusably let my guard down; only because I had my sociologist hat on.

Yes, brothers and sisters: that is the connection I want your brain to make, don’t worry about plausibility or coherence, just make the connection. Yaa… ooga-booga-OOOOOOOOO-wap-pap-pop! KAK-KAK-KAK-KLEPZ-ZOOBA-KLAK, OI! Three times is charmed!…

Anyway, witchery aside, when I said the words maliciously and falsely attributed to me by the highly regulated, bureaucratically encumbered, and excessively-non-autonomous-and-subjectively-manipulated mainstream media™…

Well, I merely intended to make a purely objective, value-free, positivistic, demographic observation™. I mean, there’s a lot of Jewish people living in New York, right? That’s what I was trying to say, that’s all…

I mean, I actually love the Jews™! I’m no bigot, because I have the complete works of Bob Dylan™; all 580 discs! How many so-called “pro-Jewish Americans” can say that?

Oh and by the way, in case you were wondering, I just love Leonard Cohen. He’s made a simply astonishing contribution to our common cultural prosperity…

His melodies convey a poignant reminder that we are but dust, mere strangers passing through a desert land not our home; casting a tender sheen of ambiguity and long-forgotten memories over the fountainous bower of Our Common Humanity.

But Cohen himself retorts:

“Oh, sure! That old canard again about his music collection. So predictable! I mean, it will take more than a few dusty music LPs to prove that this man is not a bigot. He’s a symbol of hatred. And I bet you my very last Marianne that he can’t sing for shit.”

I concoct a transcript of Cohen’s side of the rap-off, and bring it to His Most Exalted Vanillaness. He appears unimpressed, as he glumly toys with his organic, low-fat frozen yoghurt…:

“Ok, well, maybe I don’t like that Cohen boy so much after all. Haters gonna hate. But Bob Dylan is still my favourite singer of all.”

Wowee!… Nothing like shifting the goalposts, huh Dave?

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Posted in Politics, Strange People0 Comments

Kim Jong Takes Un Step Toward Hollywood

Kim Jong Takes Un Step Toward Hollywood

TO: My dear subjects

FROM: Your Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un

I want to apologize for not informing you of my whereabouts for almost six weeks this past fall and causing you undue heartache and concern but, of course, I cannot.

As I am infallible, apology is not an option for me and I must therefore gently chide you, my children, for needlessly worrying about my brief absence. Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People, World News1 Comment

Kerry Orders Airstrikes on Charlie

Kerry Orders Airstrikes on Charlie

Everybody (more or less) seems to love Charlie, the moody animated horse from Sugarcandy Mountain; yet, it seems he hasn’t got a friend in John Kerry, as you’ll read.

Really? Can that really be possible? Well, Kerry has been spitting fire and brimstone over this despicable criminal and Enemy of the Free World™: Continue Reading

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Posted in Crooked Cops, Kidz Zone, Strange People0 Comments

College Senior More Concerned With Zombie Apocalypse Than Future

College Senior More Concerned With Zombie Apocalypse Than Future

University if Missouri, Columbia — Despite his mounting college debt and lack of employment, college senior Brent Hamilton appears to be more troubled by the prospect of a zombie apocalypse than his imminent future.

“Brent’s always been a little eccentric, but lately all he talks about is a potential zombie outbreak,” revealed Devin Carter, Brent’s roommate for the past two years.

“He can’t even walk to class without pointing out which buildings are deathtraps and whether or not a facility is perfect for undead sniping. The guy didn’t even consider going to the job fair because it was being held in the Mizzou Rec Complex. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Strange People0 Comments

Cattle Rancher Cliven Bundy Actually a Front For Putin’s Seizure of American Territory

Cattle Rancher Cliven Bundy Actually a Front For Putin’s Seizure of American Territory

The word is out on Nevada renegade cattle rancher Cliven Bundy. Recent evidence has shown that the cantankerous old cow rebel who refused to pay the government for using BLM land for grazing is actually a front man for Russian President Putin’s plot to covertly seize American land. In one fell swoop Bundy has gone from being the ‘patriotic’ symbol of a true American to being the worst sort of communist.

RIGHT: Bubba and Igor. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com. Continue Reading

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Univision Goes Bankrupt After Soap Operas are Banned in the U.S

Univision Goes Bankrupt After Soap Operas are Banned in the U.S

After Congress presented the U.S with a bill called “HIJO DE SU PUTA MADRE”, the corporation responsible for distributing the Hispanic culture’s entertainment programs on television, Univision, was declared bankrupt, leaving thousands in ruin and on the streets.

One man, Felipe Pancho Francisco Guadalupe Hidalgo de la Rosa, told us that “ever since the banning, my wife and kids have been spending their time outside of the kitchen and socializing with people. It’s horrible.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People, Television0 Comments

Jimmy Cracks Corn, Gets 20 Years

Jimmy Cracks Corn, Gets 20 Years

(Hambone, Alabama)–Jimmy was sentenced to 20 years for cracking corn as if no one cared. According to witnesses, Jimmy was observed cracking corn and repeatedly asked to stop, but refused.

“I saw Jimmy sitting over there on that bench cracking corn in front of everybody like a mad man,” said one witness who testified against Jimmy. “If you want to crack corn, that’s your own business, but you shouldn’t be doing that kind of stuff in public!” he said. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society, Strange People4 Comments

Open Carry Texas Opens Fire, Saves Lives at San Antonio Sonic

Open Carry Texas Opens Fire, Saves Lives at San Antonio Sonic

Gun Rights Activists flaunting their 2nd Amendment rights were in the right place at the right time yesterday when they courageously exchanged gunfire in a Houston based Sonic fast food restaurant and saved several restaurant goers the fate of high cholesterol and clogged arteries. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People2 Comments

Wealthy Man replaces his Sexist and Racist Thoughts with Clones to silence Critics

Wealthy Man replaces his Sexist and Racist Thoughts with Clones to silence Critics

Dateline: NEW YORK–Tired of being accused of having stereotypical ideas of women and racial minorities, the gazillionaire Roderick Billington set about spending his vast fortune to perfect his conceptions.

“I realized the essence of the problem early on,” he said. “I’d be thinking that the Chinese can’t drive well, that blacks are thuggish, and that women are sentimental and prone to hysteria. But I’d be told that those were just outrageous stereotypes. So there was a mismatch between my ideas and the facts.”
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Woman Seeks “Unconscious Uncoupling” from Comatose Husband

Woman Seeks “Unconscious Uncoupling” from Comatose Husband

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In May of 2010, Jerry Gilbertson of the L.A. Area suffered a severe balloon animal accident that ruptured a cerebral artery and put him in a coma. Nearly four years later, Jerry’s wife Deborah has become fed up and decided to go forward with an “unconscious uncoupling” from her husband.

“Jerry’s grown distant these past four years,” says Deborah, 44. “When I visit him in the hospital, he doesn’t look at me or acknowledge me in any way—it’s like I’m not even there. Plus, the sex is only so-so.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People8 Comments

Homophobic Man struggles with his Fear

Homophobic Man struggles with his Fear

Dateline: New York—Morris Jenkins suffers from a debilitating fear of homosexuals, commonly called homophobia. When in the presence of gay people, he ceases to function.

“I remember the first time the terror struck me,” he said. “I was at work on my computer, sitting in my cubicle, and a co-worker told me he’s gay. My lower lip quivered, I screamed like I was looking into the face of Death, and I fell back away from him, landing on the floor and kicking my chair into the computer, shattering the screen.

“I turned over on my stomach and began clawing my way out of the cubicle, cutting my hands on the pieces glass, gasping for breath, and crying for help. My heart was hammering in my chest. The terrifying coworker tried to help me up and I shrieked and twisted my arm as I violently spun to avoid contact. I crab-walked out of the cubicle and ran to the opposite end of the office, clutching the wall behind me, sweating buckets and trying to catch my breath.
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Posted in Health, Human Interest, Strange People14 Comments

Billionaire Tom Perkins says “Poor Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Vote”

Billionaire Tom Perkins says “Poor Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Vote”

In a stunning turnaround, billionaire and silicon valley legend Tom Perkins who earlier this month compared the plight of the rich to nazi holocaust victims, stated that the poor should not be allowed to vote at all.

“They’re dirty, they’re ugly, they’re stupid and they don’t have their own jets…why should they be allowed to vote?” said Perkins. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People0 Comments

ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead

ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead

A highly respected writer for The Onion was found dead in near Fargo, North Dakota Thursday. The cause of death is still being investigated. The body of Kilroy Kovacs III, who went by the pseudonym “Kilroy”, was found in an abandoned house with a typewriter on his lap and an empty bottle of Jack.

Police are not saying if the 25 page document discovered in the immediate vicinity was a suicide note, but they are calling the death “suspicious”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Strange People10 Comments

Punxsutawney Phil Delegates Groundhogging Duties to Maringouin Mike

Punxsutawney Phil Delegates Groundhogging Duties to Maringouin Mike

Citing career fatigue and the desire to sleep in on Super Bowl Sunday, Punxsutawney Phil announced today he will delegate his annual weather prognostication to longtime Louisiana business associate Maringouin Mike.

“I’m proud to announce that Maringouin Mike will take center stage this year. Mike has many years experience in predicting weather patterns based on nothing more than the visibility of his own shadow. Let’s all join me in welcoming Mike back to this annual pagan ritual. And don’t wake me up on Sunday!” announced Phil from a pre-written statement before ducking back into his hole. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Strange People0 Comments

Local Man Comes to Conclusion Neighbor is Just Plain Mean

Local Man Comes to Conclusion Neighbor is Just Plain Mean

After years of living next door to a man perceived to simply have an abrasive sense of humor, a local man has finally determined his neighbor is just plain mean.

Mike Mitty, owner of Mighty Mitty Comics Emporium moved in next door to Doug Schitt seven years ago and thought there was an immediate bond.

“I saw him out in the yard repairing a broken sewer line and spotted his name on the mailbox,” Mitty noted. Continue Reading

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Posted in Society, Strange People4 Comments

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