In his own inimitable way, televangelist and former political aspirant, Pat Robertson, announced the release of his highly anticipated “Greatest Hits” VHS tape on his show The 700 Club yesterday. Five minutes later, it had already gone gold.

“It’s unbelievable, really,” said industry mogul Tom Jones. “In a short amount of time Robertson’s tape was in a category all by itself because of the sheer numbers behind it–so, we figured why not name it after the man himself. We’re calling it “Patinum”. Continue Reading

In the early 20th century, the rage was anglosizing. Making your immigration feel seemless by pretending to be from a different part of Europe. Today it’s gone beyond the color barrier, and many Muslims would just rather be mistaken for Mexicans.

Muhammed “Jesus” Abdullah explained that, “it only took me six-months to learn enough Spanish to pass. Adjust my moustache, buy a different car and ‘Gordo!’ I’m basically Guatamalan.

Muslim-Americans of middle-eastern decent are too often mistaken for terrorists, rather than the people who fled the terrorist regimes. This is an unfair characterization, but in some neighborhoods, unavoidable. Continue Reading

If you’ve ever been a guy, and I suspect about half of the population has (more like 70+% of our readers) then you know how awkward and embarrassing it is to show up with a shiner on your eye.

Do you tell the truth? Do you make up a story? Or do you just read the comic at right and call it a day?

(Click on the image to view it full size.)

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

In need of a new spokesman so fiery he can burn people with his tongue alone and can intimidate a whole nation, the NRA has chosen North Korean leader Kim Jong Un to replace the nerdy Wayne LaPierre as their propaganda head.

The NRA has long looked for a speaker who can inflame the passion of legal destruction in people’s hearts and woo them in any direction wished and make it seem patriotic, even if that direction is ultimately catastrophic to the nations fabric. Continue Reading

Ever seen a hipster and wondered why he doesn’t take off his hat or dark glasses? Those shades make no sense in your particular setting, but rather than wonder or ask him about it, you judge him.

And you’re wrong to do so, because he has his reasons, even if you don’t know, understand or appreciate them. Maybe he’s not trying to be elite so much as simply fit in.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

There was an album once with a similar joke in the title. That joke came to me a day after I started the comic, but it’s well worth including. Deviant ghosts? Oh, just ask the History Channel, they’re real.

These guys may become recurring characters, so I hope you like them well enough. You’ll see them at least one more time. Just wish I could draw better.

Click on the image to see it in full resolution.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

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His hair is as blue as the state in which he grew up and, by all accounts, as equally impressive.

Jim Ballsinger–brother, son, lover, web forum coordinator–recently returned from his daily therapy session in seemingly high spirits.

“Oh, that’s right, the interview thing,” said Jim, apparently caught off guard by our presence. “No, it’s perfect timing. Really, no problem. I just need to go take my afternoon dump and I’ll be right with you.” Continue Reading

I feel like I’ve been in this conversation before. Click on it to see the cartoon in full-size, and if you’re already in the page, click on the image to see it blown up to full clarity.

Two narrowed eyes peeked out of the slats over the window that were already narrow enough by themselves. They gazed imperturbably at the scores of police and FBI agents that surrounded the NRA ranch estate in North Carolina.

Those eyes belong to Wayne LaPierre, the once clean cut, All American holy saint of the National Rifle Association, now disheveled, grizzled, crazed and no longer mincing words. Continue Reading

A WOMAN has been arrested after she became ‘ninja-like’ and ‘overly mysterious’ while making dinner to the Batman soundtrack.

Emergency services received a distress call from a very panicked husband at a home in suburban Seattle at around 5:45pm yesterday saying that his wife was going ‘crazy’ whispering with intent “I am Housemom” and chopping vegetables in an aggressive manner. Continue Reading

Local news is reporting that traffic has been shut down in Washington, D.C. after a new protest movement took to the streets to demand equality legislation for morons.

The massive throng of over 1 million morons arrived on Constitution Avenue just after 7am and began screaming at the National Museum of Art in hopes that their rights would be recognized.

Some protesters wore t-shirts reading “I’m a moron—get over it,” while others chewed furiously on rectal thermometers and faced reporters to explain the movement’s goals. Continue Reading

UNSPECIFIED LOCATION–A rogue agent of a super classified top secret branch of the government (that some say was involved in the Roswell findings of ’47) has spoken with Iron E-News via pigeon and confirmed that American political commentator Glenn Beck was actually a highly classified government experiment gone awry. Continue Reading

Boca Raton, Fla. (Wall Street Journal) Malcombe (Mel) Rebbit, inventor and founder of “This Page Intentionally Left Blank,” was found deceased in his car in the Harris Teeter parking lot last Tuesday. Boca Raton police issued a statement that his death appeared to be a suicide.

Rebbit invented and patented “This Page Intentionally Left Blank” in 1976 while working for a vanity press publishing company. Rebbit noticed the confusion and anxiety caused by blank pages appearing in books and pamphlets without explanation.

Some wondered, Rebbit thought, was this blank page a mistake, a printing error, or am I going blind and just can’t see what is written there? Could this missing content have serious consequences for me? Or is this just part of the story, an expression of the author’s nihilistic viewpoint, a statement on the emptiness, the lack of content of existence.

One night, during a particularly disturbing dream involving Buffalo Chicken Wings, chipotle sauce and Barbara Walters, Rebbit had a vision: why not just tell folks outright that we meant to leave the page blank? Just tell them so there will be no question about printing errors, eyesight or existence.

Just Write it right across the blank page: “This Page Intentionally Left Blank.” Rebbit’s invention soon revolutionized blank pages; no more wondering, no more guessing, damn it, we meant to leave it blank.

With the profits from his invention, Rebbit was able to retire and move to Florida and, by all accounts, led a comfortable but quiet life. At least until his body was found in the Harris Teeter parking lot last Tuesday afternoon. Police said that although they found no suicide note, they did find a blank sheet of paper with “This Page Intentionally Left Blank” hand printed across the top.

In an announcement which may not come as a shock to readers from the United States, Barack Obama has declared that there will be no such year as 2013, which will now instead be referred to as 2014a.

“The issue at hand is our national triskaidekaphobia,” the President explained at an earlier press conference. “Many of our citizens are so scared of the number thirteen that there is no Room Thirteen in the majority of hotels, and buildings of sufficient height very often skip straight from the twelfth floor to the fourteenth. Continue Reading

Chilling words indeed from the slayer of former Beatle, John Lennon – but this is exactly what a former cellmate of the Catcher In The Rye freak alleges was said to him during a private conversation with Chapman.

“We were talking about gun control,” said former inmate Abe Johnson, currently out on parole. “Chapman was defending the Second Amendment to the hilt, saying that every American citizen – no matter how screwed up in the head they may be – should have the right to bear arms.” Continue Reading

Gobbler’s Knob, PA – Conservative decorator William James has long been a fixture in this town with his drab color schemes and patriotic flag motifs. Scandal erupted this week when it was alleged that he gerrymandered furniture to better suit his conservative purposes.

“I came home and expected him to be done,” said local resident Heath Jacobs, “but everything was in really weird places and it just didn’t make any sense.” Continue Reading