Archive | Human Interest

Ruse of Young Border Crossers Successful for Drug Cartels

Ruse of Young Border Crossers Successful for Drug Cartels

Suspicions have arisen lately that the recent spate of Latin children coming across the southern U.S. border were no spontaneous occurrence. Darker implications have revealed themselves.

“The operation was a total success!” states Juan Cokefetcher, middle manager for the Headchoppers Cartel of Chihuahua.

“Those stupid gringos never did figure out what it was all about; that those kids coming across seeking asylum were just a ruse to distract them.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Human Interest0 Comments

Pittsburgh: 3 So. Oakland Buildings Improved In Atwood Street Fire

Pittsburgh: 3 So. Oakland Buildings Improved In Atwood Street Fire

PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh Fire Department was called late last night to a three-alarm blaze on Atwood Street that, according to onlookers, “greatly improved at least three of the buildings.”

While the South Oakland inferno itself enveloped a swath containing only those three buildings, reports indicate that several adjacent structures also received partial upgrades from smoke damage. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest0 Comments

Service Group Logs More Photos than Hours Worked

Service Group Logs More Photos than Hours Worked

TUSCALOOSA,AL- This summer, 9 University of Alabama students traveled to New York City for a one week trip focused on community service.

During their week, each student logged 25 hours of service and the group collectively returned with 1,257 photos of themselves standing in and around different service sites.

While in NYC the students averaged 3.5 hours of service in soup kitchens and the Food Bank each day. In their free time, they experienced all the city had to offer like shopping, seeing Broadway shows, and avoiding giving a dollar to a man they fed that morning to ensure they had enough to buy another “I ♥ NY” tee. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

Gingrich Pleads for More Pragmatism, Less Dogmatism on Stalin/Gulags Issue

Gingrich Pleads for More Pragmatism, Less Dogmatism on Stalin/Gulags Issue

Newt Gingrich, the GOP Ideas Man™ is dissatisfied with polarised views on Stalin’s allegedly atrocious human rights abuses, and he fears that a failure to compromise is holding back progress for the USA.

And actually, he’s taken care (once more) to inform us of where we are all going wrong:

Ok, you know, so here we are…

Yes, one side says that Stalin was an appalling and brutal monster, one of the most wicked and most callous people in history….

Despicable and depraved through and through, yes.

I mean, utterly lacking in any positive human qualities that anyone could conceivably attribute to any political leader, or even any person of basically decent character…

Yeah, some kind of Democrat-on-crack, a hobnailed big government mass-murderer!

But the other side says that he was a hero, some kind of virtuous, pristine and thoroughly admirable demi-god, who is absolutely and entirely beyond any criticism whatsoever…

Yes, the International Proletariat made flesh, and having his tabernacle among us. The Almighty and Beneficent God of the workers, except with a Wally Walrus mustache instead of a Prophet’s beard.

So you see? We’ve got two very dogmatic positions, no hint of a compromise, it’s idealism over pragmatism.

But you know what? I’m an ideas man, I like taking a practical perspective, so that we don’t get bogged down in futile accusations and counter-accusations, and the politics of disagreement.

Yes… I mean, if we both stick dogmatically to these entrenched positions, it’s pretty difficult to see how we can move on and form a consensus.

For sure. So let’s be practical here; what about we say, OK granted, Stalin did some pretty unpleasant things, but on the other hand, he had a few achievements too, yeah? Right?

I mean, why don’t we just seek the middle ground, and quit just slinging mud at each other, purely because of our own rigid preconceptions and prejudices?

(Goddayum! TM broke!)

But not everyone is impressed with Gingrich’s “open-minded” approach:

“You know what?” says Professor Noam Chomsky, the Visiting Professor in (Kinda) Non-Marxist Dialectics and also Non-Hierarchical Vice-Turnip-Puller of the Massachussetts Socialist Commune Cadre Educative Studyhouse:

“This is old news. This is what Principled Left-wing Intellectuals™ (ah, TM fix!) have been saying for years.”

Prominent political analyst and commentator Ted Nugent is also unimpressed:

“If Newt “RINO” Gingrich wants to be a despicable apologist for those evil, ungodly Soviets, well why doesn’t he just go and live in the Soviet Union? Hell, I’ll buy him a plane ticket myself™!”

Well, nice to see Ted has been keeping up with the news in recent decades.

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Posted in Human Interest, Society3 Comments

Straight-A Med Student Eager to Have Very Own Patients Who Completely Ignore Her Advice

Straight-A Med Student Eager to Have Very Own Patients Who Completely Ignore Her Advice

COLUMBIA – Expressing that there would be, “No greater conceivable opportunity [for her] to help others,” top-of-her-class medical student and part-time brownnoser Isabelle Wessington says she eagerly anticipates a future career in which she, like the many successful physicians she looks up to, will have her very own patients who ignore nearly all health-related advice she gives them. Continue Reading

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Posted in Education, Human Interest1 Comment

Coloradoans Now Even Bigger A**holes Since Start Of Legalized Pot

Coloradoans Now Even Bigger A**holes Since Start Of Legalized Pot

The wonder mellower-outer cannabis, always said to have a positive, tranquilizing affect on its users, has unfortunately not had such an effect on the normally ego-centered Coloradoans who recently legalized use of it.

“Criminy,” said Jim Bames, over the road trucker who delivers freight from Kansas to Colorado regularly “I thought that stuff was supposed to mellow you out! Why them guys now are worse than ever. They was plain old jerks before. Now that they’s smoked up they’s is now super jerks!” Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest0 Comments

Cat Owners Have Hissy Fit Over New Ice Bucket Challenge

Cat Owners Have Hissy Fit Over New Ice Bucket Challenge

A new twist on the popular Facebook Ice Bucket Challenge, which raises money for Lou Gehrig’s Disease, has animal rights activists up in arms, legs and paws alike.

The trend, which started amongst celebrities and athletes and spread to Facebook, involves the participants dumping a bucket of ice or ice water over their heads and posting a video of it online to openly challenge their friends and foes to do the same. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society36 Comments

Man Ordering Drink With Meal Undoubtedly Reincarnation Of Gluttonous Roman Emperor

Man Ordering Drink With Meal Undoubtedly Reincarnation Of Gluttonous Roman Emperor

BETHESDA, MD—In an obscene display of wanton excess, local restaurant patron Don Mayhew stunned onlookers as he openly indulged himself in the extravagance of a soft drink along with his meal, disdainfully eschewing the common man’s glass of ice water.

Witnesses reported the hedonistic Mayhew’s request of a Diet Coke drew immediate comparisons to Emperor Aulus Vitellius (AD 15-69), the infamously gluttonous Roman ruler, even convincing some that he was the very reincarnation of him. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest0 Comments

The Price That Makes A Joke Of All Life

The Price That Makes A Joke Of All Life

Just how much is to be expected out of a human in this so-called great United States of America of ours?

My mother worked hard all her life, either raising four children in a rat-assed Midwest dying industrial town or living her lonely life after the ugly divorce from a man who had been unfaithful once the kids were grown and gone.

At a certain time there should be a period of rest and retirement in ones life, or at least it was that way in the America she grew up in in the 30’s and 40’s. She ended up working until shortly before her death at the age of 82. And that is having to work HARD. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Serious Commentary0 Comments

This Old Man Arrested On Ten Counts of Child Molestation

This Old Man Arrested On Ten Counts of Child Molestation

72 year old Gunther Schnell was arrested this afternoon for 10 counts of child sexual molestation after it was revealed he was performing “knick knack” on various parts of children’s bodies.

“Currently we have ten victims”, said arresting officer John Schmidt. “It would appear Mr. Schnell performed this atrocity on everything from a little girls thumb to the sexual organs of both boys and girls”.

It would appear Schnell kept the children quiet by threatening to “paddy whack” them if they told their parents. He even kept his dog quiet by giving him a bone after the dog witnessed each encounter.

The first victim, a 5 year old gitrl, said Schnell said he played knick knack for several hours on her thumb.

Schell’s fifth victim revealed he played “knick knack on her hive” which would indicate her vagina.

The sixth victim was a little boy who stated that Schnell played “knick knack on my stick”, indicating his penis.

Law enforcement authorities say Schnell may be facing up to 30 years behind bars which, given his age, will probably mean life.

“If he gets out of prison alive we can rest assured this old man will be in a wheelchair and come rolling home!” said officer Schmidt.

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Posted in Human Interest5 Comments

Miracle Whip Forsakes Forlorn Food Gobbler

Miracle Whip Forsakes Forlorn Food Gobbler

Kraft, purveyor of many fine foods and some others a bit on the course side. To me, they’re the makers of Miracle Whip, and the miracles were nothing short of canonization-worthy.

Yes, I’m talking about the now-discontinued dipping and sammy sauces that performed condimental magic on fries, sandwiches and anything else that needed some sassy, bloomin’ love. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Human Interest1 Comment

New Pet Food Triggers Outrage; Breadsticks for Kim Jong-un?

New Pet Food Triggers Outrage; Breadsticks for Kim Jong-un?

Damascus, Iowa – A new line of products released by Pet Food Enterprises, Inc., that was intended to provide humor and admiration over the recent extinction of Olive Garden restaurants and the late breadsticks offered complimentary with the purchase of any entrée, has completely backfired. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Science & Technologizzy4 Comments

Golden Gate Bridge “Suicide Net System” to Attract Acrobats From Around the Globe

Golden Gate Bridge “Suicide Net System” to Attract Acrobats From Around the Globe

San Francisco – The city council has approved spending tens of millions of dollars to construct a system of safety nets under the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to thwart future suicide attempts which have plagued the landmark for decades. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest0 Comments

“My Hard Drive Crashed” In as Most Used Excuse, “Dog Ate my Homework” Out

“My Hard Drive Crashed” In as Most Used Excuse, “Dog Ate my Homework” Out

Rio Linda, CA – People have excuses for everything. For years, kids have notoriously used the well-known excuse, “My dog ate my homework”, when wanting to excuse why they didn’t do their homework. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society2 Comments

After Botched Execution, Oklahoma Replaces Lethal Injection with “Death by Dumbo”

After Botched Execution, Oklahoma Replaces Lethal Injection with “Death by Dumbo”

Following the “incomplete” execution of Clayton Locket in Oklahoma earlier this month, the Oklahoma legislature has voted to replace lethal injection with “Death by Dumbo”.

Dumbo, a rogue circus elephant convicted of killing his long time handler in the late 90’s, is slated to become the state’s newest executioner. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society1 Comment

Media Hungry Johnny Manziel says, “I’m Gay Too!”

Media Hungry Johnny Manziel says, “I’m Gay Too!”

Not to be shown up in this year’s NFL’s draft, Johnny Manziel, aka Johnny Football has announced that he’s gay too.

After the media frenzy over the St. Louis Rams drafting the first openly gay football player Michael Sam, Manziel attempted to grab back the spotlight by screaming to the presses, “I’m gay too!” while dining out with a beautiful brunette whom he claimed was his sister and definitely not one of his many alleged girlfriends. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Sports4 Comments

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