Archive | Human Interest

New Pet Food Triggers Outrage; Breadsticks for Kim Jong-un?

New Pet Food Triggers Outrage; Breadsticks for Kim Jong-un?

Damascus, Iowa – A new line of products released by Pet Food Enterprises, Inc., that was intended to provide humor and admiration over the recent extinction of Olive Garden restaurants and the late breadsticks offered complimentary with the purchase of any entrée, has completely backfired. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Science & Technologizzy4 Comments

Golden Gate Bridge “Suicide Net System” to Attract Acrobats From Around the Globe

Golden Gate Bridge “Suicide Net System” to Attract Acrobats From Around the Globe

San Francisco – The city council has approved spending tens of millions of dollars to construct a system of safety nets under the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to thwart future suicide attempts which have plagued the landmark for decades. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest0 Comments

“My Hard Drive Crashed” In as Most Used Excuse, “Dog Ate my Homework” Out

“My Hard Drive Crashed” In as Most Used Excuse, “Dog Ate my Homework” Out

Rio Linda, CA – People have excuses for everything. For years, kids have notoriously used the well-known excuse, “My dog ate my homework”, when wanting to excuse why they didn’t do their homework. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society2 Comments

After Botched Execution, Oklahoma Replaces Lethal Injection with “Death by Dumbo”

After Botched Execution, Oklahoma Replaces Lethal Injection with “Death by Dumbo”

Following the “incomplete” execution of Clayton Locket in Oklahoma earlier this month, the Oklahoma legislature has voted to replace lethal injection with “Death by Dumbo”.

Dumbo, a rogue circus elephant convicted of killing his long time handler in the late 90’s, is slated to become the state’s newest executioner. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society1 Comment

Media Hungry Johnny Manziel says, “I’m Gay Too!”

Media Hungry Johnny Manziel says, “I’m Gay Too!”

Not to be shown up in this year’s NFL’s draft, Johnny Manziel, aka Johnny Football has announced that he’s gay too.

After the media frenzy over the St. Louis Rams drafting the first openly gay football player Michael Sam, Manziel attempted to grab back the spotlight by screaming to the presses, “I’m gay too!” while dining out with a beautiful brunette whom he claimed was his sister and definitely not one of his many alleged girlfriends. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Sports4 Comments

Ask Dink: Man Asked to Share Feelings

Ask Dink: Man Asked to Share Feelings

Dear Dink,

According to my fiancée I am having a problem with my feelings.

She will often ask what I am thinking. She says she wants to know what I am feeling, and she often gets angry when I can’t give her a 2 hour speech about what I am feeling.

I know most women are like this, but what the hell am I supposed to do? Short of crying, I thought I have shared my thoughts and feelings pretty well with her in the past. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest0 Comments

Screwdriver Borrowed, Returned

Screwdriver Borrowed, Returned

Reading, Pennsylvania – At least one professional is dumbfounded following the completion of two transactions between neighbors in the dorms of Albright College on North 13th Street.

Students Sean Chaigarvsky and Michael Kellner have lived next to one another for less than a year, but recently exchanged a tool with a cross-shaped tip as part of an initiative to fix a loose bedpost.

“It really was not that complicated,” Chaigarvsky stated to reporters who were interested in the motivation behind the transaction. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society1 Comment

Pothole Filled! DeSean Jackson Gypped?

Pothole Filled! DeSean Jackson Gypped?

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – In response to the demand of residents living on Broad Street in Center City, Mayor Michael Nutter has filled a giant pothole, while simultaneously taking a step forward in a city-wide effort to legalize marijuana.

“Today, Philadelphia has filled a deep void with a banned substance that will soon be legalized and utilized by residents throughout the city for medical and recreational purposes,” said Mayor Nutter, while biting into a brownie with noticeable chunks of green, leafy material spewing from its edges. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society1 Comment

Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

A stereotypical middle class Caucasian father, owner of three adorable children is still being a huge douchebag by not arriving to his little girl’s ballet recital which begins at 4 pm.

When asked on who was going to arrive to pick her up, the angel of cuteness replied, “I-dunno.” Frank, a Texan citizen who is allergic to cuteness, passed away when the headline made way to his town. All friends and family mourn for his loss and blame douchebag dad. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size

Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size

LAKEWOOD, OH—Jeffery Miller, a car mechanic based in the Cleveland area, is reportedly happy with the length, girth, and performance of his penis.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good, I guess,” says Miller, 36. “I’ve never had any problems with it, and my wife seems to like it all right.”

According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average American penis stands 5.6 inches when erect. Miller claims his penis is “around 6 inches,” though other data suggests his trouser schnauzer is closer to 5.2 inches. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest13 Comments

Woman Sells Set of Dinosaur Cheese Puffs for $495 on eBay

Woman Sells Set of Dinosaur Cheese Puffs for $495 on eBay

Helen Crumples is almost $500 richer today after accepting the highest bid on eBay for her “dinosaur” cheese puff collection.

The set of five Chester’s Puffcorn snacks, which look amazingly like miniature brontosauruses, were discovered by Helen while tidying up her son, Seth’s room.

“I’ve joked a number of times that looking for anything in Seth’s room is like going on an archaeological dig. Little did I know that I wasn’t too far off the mark,” said an elated Crumples. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest3 Comments

American Babies Now ‘Made in China’

American Babies Now ‘Made in China’

Nowadays, Americans would be hard-pressed to find an item for sale that doesn’t have the ‘Made in China’ stamp on it. Go to any box store and chances are whatever you are buying was either manufactured, processed, assembled, or designed in China.

And now, believe it or not, you can also get a newborn baby, gender of your choice, made in China. The babies, guaranteed to be of 100% American mixed blood (what child in America today is 100% anything?), and they come in a variety of skin tones, from freckled to brown, tan to olive. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest12 Comments

Homophobic Man struggles with his Fear

Homophobic Man struggles with his Fear

Dateline: New York—Morris Jenkins suffers from a debilitating fear of homosexuals, commonly called homophobia. When in the presence of gay people, he ceases to function.

“I remember the first time the terror struck me,” he said. “I was at work on my computer, sitting in my cubicle, and a co-worker told me he’s gay. My lower lip quivered, I screamed like I was looking into the face of Death, and I fell back away from him, landing on the floor and kicking my chair into the computer, shattering the screen.

“I turned over on my stomach and began clawing my way out of the cubicle, cutting my hands on the pieces glass, gasping for breath, and crying for help. My heart was hammering in my chest. The terrifying coworker tried to help me up and I shrieked and twisted my arm as I violently spun to avoid contact. I crab-walked out of the cubicle and ran to the opposite end of the office, clutching the wall behind me, sweating buckets and trying to catch my breath.
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Posted in Health, Human Interest, Strange People14 Comments

Comatose Broncos Fan Awakens to Horrible Reality

Comatose Broncos Fan Awakens to Horrible Reality

A Denver Broncos fan who has been in a coma since 5 minutes into the Superbowl has finally awakened and close friends are unsure how to tell him what happened.

According to witnesses, Tindell Higby III, a University of Colorado senior, passed out with approximately 10:48 left in the first quarter and never regained consciousness.

“We’d been doing Jello shots since noon getting ready for the pre-game activities,” said one man who declined to be identified, but described pre-game activities as a game of “Bong Tag”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Sports Events6 Comments

Mysterious Oracle Appears in Sedona; Predicts Ugly Future for Wealthiest

Mysterious Oracle Appears in Sedona; Predicts Ugly Future for Wealthiest

Now may not be the best time to win the Mega Lottery or come into an inheritance from your wealthy relatives, according to a new young Oracle who has mysteriously appeared in Sedona, Arizona, and has begun predicting the future. And don’t even think about striking it rich on Wall Street.

Scaramantha, who appears to be of eastern Indian descent has taken a spot atop a well-known vortex on a red rock butte overlooking Sedona, Arizona, and has begun speaking in Iambic Pentameter. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest2 Comments

Billionaire Tom Perkins says “Poor Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Vote”

Billionaire Tom Perkins says “Poor Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Vote”

In a stunning turnaround, billionaire and silicon valley legend Tom Perkins who earlier this month compared the plight of the rich to nazi holocaust victims, stated that the poor should not be allowed to vote at all.

“They’re dirty, they’re ugly, they’re stupid and they don’t have their own jets…why should they be allowed to vote?” said Perkins. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People0 Comments

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