Revenge Of The Seth

Pre-Summer Bummer

Clear, FL- “Authorities have no leads at this time, and the student body is obviously very disappointed,” Clear County Superintendent of Schools, Denise Tasker told reporters from the steps of James Marsden High School on Monday morning. “I know how much these kids have been looking forward to this year’s Bottle Smosh, and for this to happen two days before the event… it is devastating.”

Monday morning, police were dispatched to the suburban Central Florida campus, after administrators arrived to find that thousands of glass bottles housed at the onsite Recycling Center had been destroyed over the weekend.

“This is a major bummer,” student director of Recycling, Trevor Campbell told me after the press conference. “For the last two years, our Recycling Program has organized the Bottle Smosh. On the last day of the school year, students sign up to run through the Smosh Course, throwing bottles at designated targets throughout our warehouse facility. A panel of judge’s awards each participant a score based on targets hit, time of completion, and level of enthusiasm. At the end of the event, we gather the broken glass, and put it on the big scales, then award the student who guessed closest to the weight, a hundred dollar gift card to the Salvation Army. Last year we gathered over three tons of glass. And this year it actually looked like we were going to shatter that number.”

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My Short-Lived Career As A BINGO Announcer

My Short-Lived Career as a BINGO AnnouncerThroughout my life, I’ve held a variety of jobs – from Sales Director to Director of Sales and everything in between. Given the chance, I could have been a superstar selling advertising, life insurance or legal research to anyone from astronauts to Aborigines, had my employers not fired me for poor performance and incompetence. So, you can imagine my excitement when I recently heard about an opening that sounded right up my alley: Working the BINGO booth at our local county fair.

When word got to me that a local non-profit needed help with the fair’s BINGO operations, I knew I was the perfect candidate. When the BINGO Boss man called, I was totally prepared. I had updated my resume to reflect relevant skills that made me uniquely qualified for this challenge – most notably that I was adept – even under pressure – at differentiating most letters from numbers.

I was surprised at how few questions the recruiter posed during the interview. His opening pitch was, “Are you willing to work the BINGO booth at the fair this weekend?” From the get-go, I picked up on serious buying signals. Not to appear immodest, but I am a tenacious negotiator. I asked him what the base salary was. He said there was no salary. I interpreted that to mean it was commission-only. No problem, I thought. That just means the sky’s the limit. Read more My Short-Lived Career As A BINGO Announcer

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Welcome to Portland

[The following is a message from the Portland, Oregon Visitors’ Bureau.]

Welcome to Portland, Oregon, America’s Most Liberal City.

If you’re planning to spend a few days in the Rose City, we at the Portland Visitor’s Bureau would like to offer a few friendly suggestions to help make your stay as pleasant as possible.

First, we might as well get this one right out of the way. In Portland, we’re slightly left of center in our politics. If you’re a lifelong Republican or you accidentally voted for Donald Trump, no need to apologize. But, you might want to rethink your travel plans. We hear Tulsa is a place you might enjoy, with its expansive plains and oil rig fields.

But if you’re someone who thinks Hillary should have been our 45th president, or better still, Bernie, or even better yet, Spider-Man, then you’ll feel right at home here. Our city’s motto is KEEP PORTLAND WEIRD. In case you thought that was Austin, Texas’ motto, you’re right. We don’t mind sharing. Read more Welcome to Portland

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Computer Program Translates Ordinary English into Shakespearean Verse

Dateline: CAMBRIDGE, MA—A team of computer programmers at MIT, led by Wallace Thickglasses, has completed its Shakespearean Translator, which converts plain English into Shakespearean verse. The translator has received rave reviews from Shakespeare scholars.
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Life Coach Recommends Obsessive, Idiosyncratic Behaviour to Earn Immortality by Word Coinage

Dateline: TORONTO—Melvin Meister’s Labour of Fame Organization, founded in 1973, has been vindicated over forty years later, as the Oxford English Dictionary added the word “smeelian” to its account of the English language, in recognition of the life’s work of one Mr. Meister’s acolytes, Anita Smeelie. Read more Life Coach Recommends Obsessive, Idiosyncratic Behaviour to Earn Immortality by Word Coinage

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Is There a Hard-Headed Economic Case for Abandoning LGBTphobia?

Curious: have any governments or NGOs made the hard-headed economic case to other countries about not persecuting sexual minorities?

I would imagine that certain prejudices, because they drive people into the underworld, have a detrimental economic effect. Read more Is There a Hard-Headed Economic Case for Abandoning LGBTphobia?

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