The peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It’s the staple of grade school students. The standby for financially-strapped college students. The sign that a husband has done something wrong when he opens the brown-bagged lunch his wife made him that morning.

It’s also the focus of David Valin’s research for the past 4 years, which he’ll finally unveil in a new book called The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread, and What’s Usually Between It. Continue Reading

The following was found jammed in the Michigan State Capitol Building front door by a janitor arriving early for work on Monday:

MANIFESTO FOR THE LIBERATION OF THE UPPER PENINSULA FROM THE TYRANNY OF THE STATE OF MICHIGAN AND RETURNING IT TO ITS PROPER PLACE AS AN APPENDAGE OF WISCONSIN.

Let this document stand as a statement of intent by the Wisconsin Underground Saboteur Society For the Insurrection and Eventual Setting Free of The UP (W.U.S.S.I.E.S.) to liberate the so named Upper Peninsula from years of subjugation by the repressive forces of the state of Michigan. Continue Reading

“The pain, Thweet Jethuth the pain,” yelled Cloris Zucker as the dentist poked around in her mouth trying to find the source of her discomfort. He started out innocently enough, beginning on the left side and working his way over to the right.

“This one?” asked the dentist?

“Noph,” replied Cloris.

“This’n?” He asked as he hit the next tooth with his little silver hammer.

“Noph,” she said. “Nob fat one.” Continue Reading

ROCKY MOUNT, NC – A 37-year old unemployed factory worker turned humor blogger is reportedly thrilled by recent praise his previously unknown humor blog has received. Avowed bachelor and longtime fan of Wheel of Fortune, Buford Quigley told reporters today that he is “as happy as a dead pig in sunshine” over the overwhelming positive response his humor blog is receiving – almost exclusively from internet spammers. Continue Reading

Psychologists have recently discovered a disturbing strain of statistically abnormal humans living among us. Allegedly, these genetic mutants have advanced intelligence with I.Q.’s towering as much as 80 points above the rest of us normal people. They have been tentatively dubbed “geniuses.”

At this point it is not clear whether the geniuses were engineered by a diabolical Frankenstein somewhere, or if perhaps, they just sprang up from the depths of chaos theory. Continue Reading

Paul Franklin is known to be a very nice and generous driver, but he recently confessed to friends that the reason he lets everyone go is because he has nowhere to be. “I used to think I was a nice driver, but I realized I just have low self esteem,” said Franklin, laying down on the hood of his car. “Whenever I let people go, I always assume that their destination is way more important than mine.” Continue Reading

The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during early bird special time, removing their gang regalia in the bathrooms, and then ordering meals consisting of 10 oz. ribeyes, a salad, and two sides, all for a portion of what they would pay after 6 p.m. Continue Reading

Clearwater, FL—Local Comcast technician, Mike Haynes, reportedly experienced superhuman strength after nine hours of television on Saturday.

Between the eye strain and sore arm muscles from lifting over 18 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon, Haynes wasn’t sure if he’d have the strength left to pick up the remote to change the channel. “I’ve heard about those people who lift cars and things in an emergency, so I figured that’s what happened to me when I saw that an educational show was coming up on channel six and I knew I had to change that channel quick,” Haynes told Channel Six News early this morning. Continue Reading

Rufus Simpson of Pascagoula, Mississippi was released from jail early Saturday morning after spending the night locked up on charges of internet porn posting.

His accuser, Shirley Remquist of nearby Moss Point claims that she opened her Facebook page Friday evening to find that a post from Rufus had made it onto one of her friend’s pages which read “Darlene, honey, you knows I is the number one master baiter in yore life.” Continue Reading

Dr. Robert Titz, the creator of the popular Your Baby Can Read videos has recently announced his next big product. Following the success of Your Baby Can Read, he decided to take early education a step further and developed a new video set titled, Your Fetus Can Read. Continue Reading

Police in Austin, Texas were called to the Governor’s Mansion downtown in response to a call-in report that a strange man appeared to be living in the dwelling amidst the chaos of reconstruction.

Upon entry, police officers found Henry Waldrep asleep on a small cot in the grand ballroom. Alongside Waldrep, they found a small crate with a makeshift cook stove on top and empty McDonald’s wrappers and several empty beer bottles littering the floor. Continue Reading

Saudi women are hitting the streets, revving their engines and trying to drive home a very serious point. It’s all part of a push for social reform by defying the desert kingdom’s longstanding ban on female drivers.

“We are not trying to reinvent the steering wheel. We just want to be more than third-class citizens in our own country. So-called ‘backseat bitches.’ Continue Reading

A new study by the Millennial Institute of Advanced Research on 2150 newborn babies in Minnesota has found a significant increase in IQ scores of babies forced to listen to old ABBA songs at least two hours a day.

“This is a surprising result,” notes chief scientist Riley Ruster, “as ABBA tunes were actually tested on the babies by mistake. We intended to test Bach on them but the research assistant misread our specification of `Bach’ for `ABBA.’ By this serendipitous route we have achieved a remarkable breakthrough.” Continue Reading

There are many who come to our American shores think they are arriving at a Shangri-La where everyone dines off a silver spoon and delicious, filling, nutritious meals are only a refrigerator away from their satin bedecked table.

Many possessing these TV Land illusions come from places where food is still picked directly from trees or fields and are surprised to find that here it comes in colorful boxes or wrapped in plastic. Boy, are they in for a wake up call! Continue Reading

This is a dasparate kry fer help!
Pleeze reed this and havve mercy on mee!

The other dai I wuz vacuming my room. I puled the atachment off and held it up to my eer to sea if something kloged it. Sudenly it vacumed my brane out! Continue Reading

“God I hate banks,” said the young businessman who was taking his lunch hour to deposit his pay cheque while the company he had started with worked out the details of his direct depositing.

“Why the hell do we have to wait in line for three goddamn hours to put our money in their banks so they can make money off of us? I should be able to do this on my phone. *%&%, I can practically drive my phone but I can’t put money in the bank? Bull%&%#, I call bull@!&#.” Continue Reading