Archive | Human Interest

Man Unable to Apply a Lifetime’s Research into Self-Improvement, Dies Wholly Unsuccessful in Life

Man Unable to Apply a Lifetime’s Research into Self-Improvement, Dies Wholly Unsuccessful in Life

Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—A connoisseur of self-help books has died alone and impoverished after having spent years locked in his apartment, practicing to be a better person.

Albert Dunderhead had an impressive collection of self-help manuals, as attested by the landlord who found Albert’s body. “Albert once showed me his library,” said the landlord, “and he boasted he was learning everything there is to know about techniques for increasing your confidence, winning friends and succeeding in business and romance.

“‘One day,’ Albert told me, ‘I’ll have learned enough to put my knowledge into practice, to apply the lessons in real life. And then nothing will stop me. I’ll finally have a job and a family and a life I can be proud of. Until then, I’ve got to keep hitting the books.’”

Albert’s body was found in front of a mirror, his hand on an open book turned to a passage about mastering your fears by reciting mantras in front of a mirror.

Having no friends or family, living on a small inheritance from his grandmother, Albert ventured out of his apartment only to purchase groceries and to peruse the self-help section of bookstores.

Albert’s neighbours sometimes complained about the noise from his apartment, when Albert practiced his lessons by holding conversations with imaginary employers, coworkers, and romantic prospects.

“The conversations went on for hours on end,” said one neighbour, “but it wasn’t the volume that bothered me so much as the annoying repetition. He tried out every conceivable variation on a job interview, for example, playing both parts himself.

“Or he’d imagine he was trying to pick up a girl at a grocery store, and he’d say, ‘I see you’re interested in avocados.’ ‘Why, yes I am,’ he’d say in response. And then he’d launch into a disquisition about the merits of different recipes for guacamole.

“But that wasn’t the end of it—not by a long shot. He’d carry on the same conversation over and over again, but switching from avocados to bananas, and then to spinach and watermelons and every other fruit or vegetable in turn. It was really, really annoying having to hear that blather through the wall throughout the evening and night.”

Albert received a posthumous award for “Most Ironic Life” from the Irony Association of America.

“Ironically,” said the Association’s founder, “our awards have no cash value, nor do we publicize them. Had Mr. Dunderhead been alive, he wouldn’t have been eligible for the award, since his life would have been ongoing. But even if he would have been eligible, he wouldn’t have known he’d won, because no one would have told him. And even if he found out about us and our awards, he may not have cared, because, as I said, our awards have zero prestige. There’s nothing to them, not even a little statue or anything.

“All we do is whisper about the winner for a while, maybe writing up a certificate and then quickly burning it so as not to spoil the irony of the self-effacing honours.”

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GN Video: Did Stuff Used to Be Cheaper?

GN Video: Did Stuff Used to Be Cheaper?

It’s tempting to think everything is more expensive now. Not so, says Brian! Continue Reading

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‘Fearless Romantic Charmer’ (Creep?) Marries Bradford Lass After 100 Unexpected Cafe Visits (2/2)

‘Fearless Romantic Charmer’ (Creep?) Marries Bradford Lass After 100 Unexpected Cafe Visits (2/2)

Last time:

The best thing of all is when I suddenly had a knock on the upstairs window at 4 am; the poor bugger had followed me home around 6 pm, and had finally plucked up the courage to speak to us! Continue Reading

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‘Fearless Romantic Charmer’ (Creep?) Marries Bradford Lass After 100 Unexpected Cafe Visits (1/2)

‘Fearless Romantic Charmer’ (Creep?) Marries Bradford Lass After 100 Unexpected Cafe Visits (1/2)

A hearty Yorkshire lass from Bradford has finally married the lad of her dreams, after the dogged persistence of her beau-to-be finally won her round.

Lucy Scappaticci, who works at the Baker’s End Cafe, first noticed Wee Davie Singh when he staggered in one morning after a heavy work session of World of Warcraft. Continue Reading

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Funny Story, Unfunny Reality: Where to Draw the Line of Removing Monuments?

Funny Story, Unfunny Reality: Where to Draw the Line of Removing Monuments?

Satire World is a controversial site: but this article does raise a serious point. Continue Reading

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Prophet of Doom cheated out of his Due Respect

Prophet of Doom cheated out of his Due Respect

Dateline: Year 2032, somewhere in the former United States—After the collapse of Western civilization in 2031, followed by the ruination of the rest of the planet, a self-proclaimed former prophet of doom has been reminding the survivors that he told them so, but they’ve declined to favour him with praise for his foresight, on account of their being too busy clawing for scraps and fending off the cannibals and scavengers who threaten their squalid encampments.
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Beautiful Women Conceal their Hotness to attract Nice Guys

Beautiful Women Conceal their Hotness to attract Nice Guys

Dateline: NEW YORK—A growing number of beautiful single women curse their physical charms, fearing that worthy men aren’t attracted to them so much as intimidated and liable to defecate in their pants before even thinking of approaching them.
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Gallows Humor Flash Fiction: The Well-Meaning Good Burgher of Cologne

Gallows Humor Flash Fiction: The Well-Meaning Good Burgher of Cologne

Last night my foster son came back and shat all over my carpet, raped my daughter, and set the house on fire.
My wife was angry and told me to give him a hiding. Continue Reading

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Freedom of Speech is Not Up for Debate (Memes)

Freedom of Speech is Not Up for Debate (Memes)

There’s always some excuse.

‘Hate speech is not freedom of speech!’

‘Historical denialism is not freedom of speech!’

‘Blasphemy is not freedom of speech!’

The problem is…

One you start going down that path, there really is no bottom!

Image result for freedom of speech wallace runnymede

Image result for freedom of speech wallace runnymede

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The Soviet Union Could Have Been Saved: SJW Fail?

The Soviet Union Could Have Been Saved: SJW Fail?

The Soviet Union would actually have survived, if only they could have become Soviet Justice Warriors!

Some key hashtags for Soviet Twitter:

#NotAllCommies

#CommunismIsTheTotalitarianismOfPeace

#StopBeingMarxophobic Continue Reading

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Delaware Man Masters Martial Arts, using only Initial Free Lessons

Delaware Man Masters Martial Arts, using only Initial Free Lessons

Dateline: NEW JERSEY—A man from Delaware earned the equivalent of a black belt in Taekwondo, Karate, Jiu-jitsu and several other martial arts, by exploiting the free trial first lesson offered by hundreds of martial arts schools across North America.
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Posted in Human Interest, Sports, Sports Scandals1 Comment

Lonely Single Man seeks someone just to Laugh at his Jokes

Lonely Single Man seeks someone just to Laugh at his Jokes

Dateline: OMAHA—A lonely Nebraskan man is wistful about the many years he’s spent with no life partner to marvel at his witty remarks.

Douglas Cunningham, aged 53, is single and has lived alone in a small apartment in Omaha for decades. In all that time, he attests to having made countless amusing gibes while watching all manner of TV shows and movies.
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Trial By Fire… I Survived 13 Bouts With Cancer

Trial By Fire… I Survived 13 Bouts With Cancer

So, I now reside in the small town of McDonough, just a few miles south of Atlanta in Georgia. I am a proud grandfather of four. I live with my grandchildren and five chihuahua rescues who have space to roam and frolic. All perfectly idyllic; well wait, not exactly.

It was 1968, I had just turned six and was not feeling well. A trip to my family physician and a careful examination determined my tonsils were largely swollen. A trip to an ENT, who diagnosed 1) Oropharyngeal Cancer, my first date and surgery with deadly cancer. As early as six years old I learned to pray and trust God’s healing grace.

It was two years later while I was attending second grade and I noticed an unusual growth on my right ear. My classmates were making fun of my ear behind my back in class, so I asked my parents to take me to our doctor. My doctor took a biopsy and it revealed 2) Squamous Cell Carcinoma. At an early age it seemed Cancer was going to be on my radar screen going forward. The top part of my right ear was excised and then surgically reconstructed by surgeon Doctor Lawrence Grennen.

During a routine yearly checkup, my family physician Dr. Wallace noticed an unusual bump on my right arm and did some diagnostics that discovered it was a cancer called 3) Basil Cell Carcinoma. Back to Dr. Grennen to have the Carcinoma removed. It seemed that I just might have a clear path to health as I had been free from cancer’s bonds for a number of years.

Then came the day, I was working at a restaurant during my junior year in high school back in 1980. I felt an excruciating pain in my right side and collapsed. I was taken immediately to General Hospital and had my infected 4) Appendix surgically removed. Post surgery pathology determined my Appendix was indeed malignant. Even with my Christian faith my body was being tested.

That same month my right hand began losing strength and became difficult to use at all. I sought out an orthopedic surgeon and he found I had developed an unusual cancer in my right hand. 5) Chondrosarcoma is a cancer of the connective tissues and surgery is the only option for this debilitating cancer. My right hand has never been the same, but I thank God I can still use it and the cancer is gone.

We fight a disease that terrifies everyone.

We are strong because we endure treatments that can feel worse than the actual malignancies.

We are brave because our lab tests come back with news we don’t want to hear.

The reality of life with cancer is very different from the image we try to portray.

Our fight is simply a willingness to go through treatment because, frankly, the alternative sucks. Strength? We endure pain and sickness for the chance to feel normal down the road. Brave? We build up an emotional tolerance and acceptance of things we can’t change. Faith kicks in to take care of the rest.

The truth is that if someone you love has cancer, they probably won’t be completely open about what they’re going through because they’re trying so hard to be strong.

From the very first diagnosis I was determined that cancer wasn’t going to ruin everything in my life. Doctors assured me that my cancers were all in check and my future prognosis was good, so I chose to believe them, prayed hard and embraced the future. I had just turned eighteen and had just started college. My left shoulder was experiencing tightness and restriction in movement, so went to an orthopedic surgeon for an answer. The answer I received from the magnetic resonance image scan was rather terrifying news.

I had 6) Shoulder Cancer in my left shoulder joint, my sixth cancer encounter. I would need major orthopedic and joint reconstruction surgeries to remove the cancer. The five hour, intense surgery was successful as the cancer was removedl however a complete left shoulder joint reconstruction was required. The recovery time and physical therapy required was simply grueling. My faith and physical determination propelled me to overcome another setback.

Why was I being “tested” with these deadly cancers time after time? This question was at the forefront of my mind as I contemplated what lay ahead of me. I made a decision there and then that I was going to deal with these issues with the only weapons I had, prayer, patience and perseverance.

I had just started business college and began having tremendous pain in my left leg bone. My doctor ordered a bone scan to see what was going on. During the scan I noticed a bright light in my leg. I asked the technician what that light on my leg bone was, all he told me was “It’s not good”. My surgeon confirmed that news telling me I had a malignant bone tumor in my leg that had to be removed, and I may lose my left leg.

The tumor in my leg was an 7) Osteosarcoma Malignant bone tumor. The surgeons were forced to saw my leg bone in half to remove this tumor. The surgery took five hours to complete, and we did not know how the bone graft would heal. Well, the recovery, physical therapy and healing took an entire year out of my young life. I had never prayed so hard in my life to God, not to have my leg amputated at the left knee. God is good and I kept my leg as the graphs were successful… Praise God!

I was able to finish college and focus on the future; after all, what more could cancer do to me after all that? I wouldn’t have to wait too long to have that question answered. I was 28 and in the prime of my life, so to speak. I had a couple dark moles on my back looked at by a dermatologist at the insistence of my girlfriend. The doctor told me they looked harmless, but he sent the tissue samples to Mayo Clinic just to be certain.

I hadn’t heard anything back for 3 weeks, so I figured everything was fine. Then I got the call, the doctor needed to see me that day. He did not beat around the bush! “You have two 8) 9) Malignant Melanomas Stage 4.” You could have pushed me over with a feather after he told me. Dr. Grennen told me the only option was “wide excision surgery” meaning he would take a big scoop of tissue out of my back to get all the cancer.

So, I had two wide excision surgeries within a 3 month timetable. Large grafts of skin were taken from my buttocks to transplant over my gaping wounds. The pain associated with these two wide excision cancer surgeries and the skin grafts is indescribable and extraordinary. Prayers and lots of tears were the order of the day as a long, tumultuous recovery ensued over months of time. I survived stage 4 Malignant Melanoma not once, but twice! Talk about being delivered by the blood of Jesus! Amen!

I’m asked time and again is how I’ve managed to remain the glass-half-full type of guy and I’ve always been a Christian. Prayer indeed heals! I had amazing support from all my doctors and clinicians. Honestly, I really thought my personal war with cancer was over. It had been years since those horrible Melanomas and I had been seeing my oncologist Dr. Saphai for yearly screenings.

I relocated from Michigan to Phoenix, Arizona in 2008 for a new job. I was having chest pain and my cardiologist found two arteries almost 100% blocked, I was having a heart attack! I was rushed into surgery to open my arteries with stents. After the surgery I began suffering unbearable pain in my right side and back. I was rolled into the CT lab and a resulting scan showed a large 10) Renal Cell Carcinoma tumor in the center of my right kidney. The prognosis was not good at all. My surgical team and oncologist told me to get my final affairs in order. So I did.

The surgery took over 8 hours to perform due to several complications including blood loss and high blood pressure. This surgery I wouldn’t wish upon anyone on this earth. I was in so much pain and discomfort afterward, all I could do was simply pray for God’s grace and healing. I was in the intensive care unit for two solid weeks fighting for my life. I made it through and somehow fought off the infection. God is good.

Because of my faith, I’ve never once felt I had nobody to turn to. It’s crazy to say that I am accustomed to cancer by now, but that’s the honest truth. My daughter wasn’t feeling quite as brave as I was at that point. Survival instinct and faith simply kicks in to keep me focused, but a cancer diagnosis will still put a person in shock without a doubt.

As I slowly walked down the hospital corridor I noticed an elderly couple, their faces drenched in tears. ‘We’re sorry,’ the lady said. ‘We overheard your conversation with your medical team. We hope you’ll be OK.’ I apologized for upsetting them and told them I fully intended to get better. I had battled cancer, lost weight and felt pretty rough at times. I had my share of infections and all the other delights oncology patients are privy to. But I emerged feeling victorious. At that point, I honestly felt I’d done my time with the whole cancer thing.

The truth is, I’d already known about my cancer risk, because my dad had died from cancer, my mother had died from it also. But I thought at 54 I’d dealt with it. The truth is just 3 weeks ago I was diagnosed with 3 Malignant Melanomas, I just yesterday had excision surgery to remove the cancer. I was pragmatic about the surgery. I honestly thought I’d be safe from cancer now. Sadly, I wasn’t. I knew the surgeons had found pre-cancer cells in the tissue of my back, but I’d been mistakenly assured that no further treatment was required. In fact, my cancer diagnosis came less than a year after that preventative surgery. Melanoma can spread and that’s exactly what had happened.

For me, the worst aspect is the ripple effect. Cancer doesn’t solely affect the person alone – it hits family and friends too. It’s hateful having to tell my loved ones each time the disease comes back.

But by God’s healing grace, I’m still here. Incredible advances in research mean that treatments are improving all the time. Prognoses are increasingly positive and more people now survive. For me, cancer is more like a chronic illness. I am a living example of that idea. Knowledge is power and power can disperse much of the fear cancer exposes. I compare it to my Diabetes and Alzheimer’s : you just learn to live with.

I began writing and discovered that writing heals me. I cannot emphasise enough the power of communication. Silence helps breed fear, and by sharing my story I can offer hope. I can point out that my case was very unusual, that it’s incredibly unlucky to have cancer this many times and that only approximately five per cent of cancers are genetic.

For now, I will heal my surgical wounds and prepare for the next round of treatment. I will continue to play with my grandchildren, watch “Survivor” and walk my little chihuahua.
I’ll think about the future and plan ahead. Everyone’s life is full of ups and downs. We all have issues to deal with. Mine just happens to be cancer.

If you’ve just been diagnosed, or you know someone who has, please take heart from my story. Cancer is not always a death sentence. More and more people are surviving. I happen to be living proof that cancer doesn’t always win. It is true that cancer has invaded my body but I will never allow it to invade my mind and soul. I don’t lie awake at night simply contemplating my death. Cancer will never define who I am. It’s merely a part of my mortal life here on Earth, and I’ve no intention of going anywhere for quite some time God willing🙏🏽

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United Airlines Brings Back Its Friendly Skies

United Airlines Brings Back Its Friendly Skies

Lately, United Airlines’ longstanding motto, Fly the Friendly Skies, has taken a serious tumble. On a recent flight four passengers were told they had to disembark to make room for airline personnel.

One of the chosen was a doctor who refused to give up his seat, using a lame excuse that he had an ethical obligation to see patients the next morning. There’s one in every crowd. There are also cell phones in every crowd, and many took videos of security guards dragging the 69-year old Asian American doctor down the aisle, ejecting him from the plane, complete with a broken nose and two lost teeth.

The bad news for United: Within an hour those videos went viral, making international news. The good news: – United’s stock actually took off – soared – the very next day, increasing the company’s market cap by $355 million. Apparently, investors were impressed by United’s new slogan, “At United, we’ll treat you as well as we treat your luggage!” And now United now has plenty of ready cash for the lawsuits.

The airlines’ CEO, Oscar Munoz, wasted no time in defending their policy: “If you don’t have many Frequent Flyer miles and you paid a low price for your ticket, we have the right to remove you. Be grateful we carry this out while still on the ground. The Board of Directors argued for inflight ejections, but we couldn’t agree on whether or not to supply parachutes.”

Today, however, amidst public furor, United reversed itself and issued several new policy guidelines to reassure hesitant travelers that once again, the airline is committed to bringing back the friendly skies. Effective immediately, United will make the following changes in its passenger policies:

No longer will passengers be tasered for asking for a second bag of peanuts.

Passengers whose luggage exceeds the 50-pound weight limit will no longer have to pay a fee. Instead, the offending luggage will simply be returned to the baggage claim customer service desk – at the place of origin – once the flight has taken off.

Passengers who attempt to board before their section has been called will no longer be exposed to full body cavity searches. If they are suspected of trying to smuggle snacks onto the plane, searches will be narrowly confined to the breast and groinal areas.

Passengers who fail to fit their carry-on luggage into the overhead compartment will no longer have their bags confiscated and sold to the highest bidder.

Passengers who exceed the ten-minute limit in the lavatory will no longer be subjected to an announcement over the PA that “the passenger in seat 32B has exceeded their bathroom time allotment.” Instead, all other passengers will be encouraged to hurl their second bag of peanuts at the infractor upon his exiting the lavatory.

First class passengers who complain about their meal will no longer be downgraded to coach for being so ungrateful. But they won’t get the Crème brûlée dessert.

Passengers who repeatedly press the call button causing a disturbance to the cabin crew will no longer be subjected to verbal abuse by a flight attendant. They will simply be shunned for the duration of the flight.

People suspected of stealing the in-flight magazine will no longer be frisked upon disembarkment. Living with the guilt of what you’ve done should be punishment enough for your brazen thievery.

Finally, if United is overbooked and needs volunteers to leave the plane, security guards will never again haul a passenger down the aisle against their will. Instead, flight attendants will sedate them, quietly place them in a wheel chair, and shove them out the emergency exit – preferably before the plane has begun taxying.

Sounds like United has learned its lesson.

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Posted in Human Interest, Making Headlines, Top Stories1 Comment

SJWs Embrace Diversity with their Customary Consistency

SJWs Embrace Diversity with their Customary Consistency

SJWs BE LIKE

Diversity is not up for debate! ALL MEANS ALL!
I’m 100% in favour of diversity, no exceptions!
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Boys Beware – Actual anti-LGBT propaganda from 1961

Boys Beware – Actual anti-LGBT propaganda from 1961

NOTE FROM WALLACE:

Brian has done a good public service by digging up this downright creepy moral panic video from 1961. This video is wrong on so many levels: conflating “homosexuality” with underage sex, medicalizing same-sex attraction, unnecessary fearmongering…

Ridiculous. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Internets Tubes0 Comments

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