Archive | Human Interest

Pothole Filled! DeSean Jackson Gypped?

Pothole Filled! DeSean Jackson Gypped?

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – In response to the demand of residents living on Broad Street in Center City, Mayor Michael Nutter has filled a giant pothole, while simultaneously taking a step forward in a city-wide effort to legalize marijuana.

“Today, Philadelphia has filled a deep void with a banned substance that will soon be legalized and utilized by residents throughout the city for medical and recreational purposes,” said Mayor Nutter, while biting into a brownie with noticeable chunks of green, leafy material spewing from its edges. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society1 Comment

Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

Douch-Dad Doesn’t Arrive to Daughter’s Ballet Recital; Vagina Syndrome Suspected

A stereotypical middle class Caucasian father, owner of three adorable children is still being a huge douchebag by not arriving to his little girl’s ballet recital which begins at 4 pm.

When asked on who was going to arrive to pick her up, the angel of cuteness replied, “I-dunno.” Frank, a Texan citizen who is allergic to cuteness, passed away when the headline made way to his town. All friends and family mourn for his loss and blame douchebag dad. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size

Cleveland Man Content with Penis Size

LAKEWOOD, OH—Jeffery Miller, a car mechanic based in the Cleveland area, is reportedly happy with the length, girth, and performance of his penis.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good, I guess,” says Miller, 36. “I’ve never had any problems with it, and my wife seems to like it all right.”

According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the average American penis stands 5.6 inches when erect. Miller claims his penis is “around 6 inches,” though other data suggests his trouser schnauzer is closer to 5.2 inches. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest13 Comments

Woman Sells Set of Dinosaur Cheese Puffs for $495 on eBay

Woman Sells Set of Dinosaur Cheese Puffs for $495 on eBay

Helen Crumples is almost $500 richer today after accepting the highest bid on eBay for her “dinosaur” cheese puff collection.

The set of five Chester’s Puffcorn snacks, which look amazingly like miniature brontosauruses, were discovered by Helen while tidying up her son, Seth’s room.

“I’ve joked a number of times that looking for anything in Seth’s room is like going on an archaeological dig. Little did I know that I wasn’t too far off the mark,” said an elated Crumples. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest3 Comments

American Babies Now ‘Made in China’

American Babies Now ‘Made in China’

Nowadays, Americans would be hard-pressed to find an item for sale that doesn’t have the ‘Made in China’ stamp on it. Go to any box store and chances are whatever you are buying was either manufactured, processed, assembled, or designed in China.

And now, believe it or not, you can also get a newborn baby, gender of your choice, made in China. The babies, guaranteed to be of 100% American mixed blood (what child in America today is 100% anything?), and they come in a variety of skin tones, from freckled to brown, tan to olive. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest12 Comments

Homophobic Man struggles with his Fear

Homophobic Man struggles with his Fear

Dateline: New York—Morris Jenkins suffers from a debilitating fear of homosexuals, commonly called homophobia. When in the presence of gay people, he ceases to function.

“I remember the first time the terror struck me,” he said. “I was at work on my computer, sitting in my cubicle, and a co-worker told me he’s gay. My lower lip quivered, I screamed like I was looking into the face of Death, and I fell back away from him, landing on the floor and kicking my chair into the computer, shattering the screen.

“I turned over on my stomach and began clawing my way out of the cubicle, cutting my hands on the pieces glass, gasping for breath, and crying for help. My heart was hammering in my chest. The terrifying coworker tried to help me up and I shrieked and twisted my arm as I violently spun to avoid contact. I crab-walked out of the cubicle and ran to the opposite end of the office, clutching the wall behind me, sweating buckets and trying to catch my breath.
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Posted in Health, Human Interest, Strange People14 Comments

Comatose Broncos Fan Awakens to Horrible Reality

Comatose Broncos Fan Awakens to Horrible Reality

A Denver Broncos fan who has been in a coma since 5 minutes into the Superbowl has finally awakened and close friends are unsure how to tell him what happened.

According to witnesses, Tindell Higby III, a University of Colorado senior, passed out with approximately 10:48 left in the first quarter and never regained consciousness.

“We’d been doing Jello shots since noon getting ready for the pre-game activities,” said one man who declined to be identified, but described pre-game activities as a game of “Bong Tag”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Sports Events6 Comments

Mysterious Oracle Appears in Sedona; Predicts Ugly Future for Wealthiest

Mysterious Oracle Appears in Sedona; Predicts Ugly Future for Wealthiest

Now may not be the best time to win the Mega Lottery or come into an inheritance from your wealthy relatives, according to a new young Oracle who has mysteriously appeared in Sedona, Arizona, and has begun predicting the future. And don’t even think about striking it rich on Wall Street.

Scaramantha, who appears to be of eastern Indian descent has taken a spot atop a well-known vortex on a red rock butte overlooking Sedona, Arizona, and has begun speaking in Iambic Pentameter. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest2 Comments

Billionaire Tom Perkins says “Poor Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Vote”

Billionaire Tom Perkins says “Poor Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Vote”

In a stunning turnaround, billionaire and silicon valley legend Tom Perkins who earlier this month compared the plight of the rich to nazi holocaust victims, stated that the poor should not be allowed to vote at all.

“They’re dirty, they’re ugly, they’re stupid and they don’t have their own jets…why should they be allowed to vote?” said Perkins. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People0 Comments

Man Sues Porn Industry for making Sex Boring

Man Sues Porn Industry for making Sex Boring

Dateline: LOS ANGELES–Eduard Garbanzo, a plumber and avid consumer of internet pornography, is suing several top producers of porn for having made sex commonplace and boring.

“There’s too much nudity on the internet,” he protests. “They’ve saturated the market, those pornographers. I mean, how many times can you look at a naked person and still get aroused? How many giggling breasts and buttocks can you watch before you get tired of it all? Sooner or later, the whole thing just bores you to tears.”

Mr. Garbanzo is 27 and he grew up in an age when business on the internet began to boom, when pornography became no longer rare or hidden, but has been made available even to early teens at the touch of a few buttons. As Mr. Garbanzo says, “It used to be you’d have to sneak into the basement and root around for your father’s hidden stash of nudie magazines. And then you’d have to make do with the model that happened to be featured in those pages and with however she chose to pose herself.
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Posted in Human Interest, Internets Tubes2 Comments

90 Year Old On Deathbed Comforted By Family Repeatedly Pointing Out How Old He Is

90 Year Old On Deathbed Comforted By Family Repeatedly Pointing Out How Old He Is

FT. LAUDERDALE, FLA — 90-year-old Elmer Durzylwood was reportedly at peace in his final hours late last night after his family had spent the entire day repeatedly telling him that he is very old, sources report. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest15 Comments

Cute Baby Rolls Over, Facebook Servers Crash

Cute Baby Rolls Over, Facebook Servers Crash

A SOCIAL media site descended into chaos last night following the news that a four-month-old baby had hit a milestone.

According to reports, baby Molly, rolled on to her stomach to the delight of her proud mother, Bev Herman, who then shared the news via a Facebook status.

The website had to be shut down for over 40 minutes due to the high volume of well wishers and ‘likes’ the status gained in a matter of seconds. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest1 Comment

Beautiful Netizen People Burn Butterfly Collector At The Stake

Beautiful Netizen People Burn Butterfly Collector At The Stake

A woman butterfly collector who had the arrogance to write an article describing her honest if not sophomoric and misunderstood anxiety over seeing a chubby black woman at her yoga class has been hunted down, bound, blindfolded and burned at the stake by beautiful netizen people who happened to be without sin.

Non writer Jen Polachek posing under the psuedonym Jen Caren was prompted by an editor at the popular cat-lady in training website XOJANE to write an article about her recent yoga/chubby black woman experience and how as a privileged racist white bitch she should be ashamed of herself and maybe slit her wrists. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Internets Tubes4 Comments

Major Paint Company Admits ‘Faux Touches’ Ploy to Sell Paint

Major Paint Company Admits ‘Faux Touches’ Ploy to Sell Paint

Today, a major paint company admitted to tricking its customers into buying paint they didn’t need by introducing new painting techniques to ‘jazz up’ their living spaces, and then forcing them to buy more paint to cover up the hideous results.

Titanic Paints based out of Buffalo, New York, made the confession when it’s new President and CEO, Johann Johannssonn, called for more transparency in the company’s public relations. Johannssonn joined the company after its former President and CEO retired after 50 years of overseeing the business. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest1 Comment

Really Good Hoagie Makes Man Briefly Forget His Inevitable Death

Really Good Hoagie Makes Man Briefly Forget His Inevitable Death

GARY, IN—While eating at his neighborhood Quizno’s Wednesday, local man Gene Lisowski spoke with reporters about the fact that he completely forgot about the inescapable reality of his own death while eating a turkey club hoagie.

Lisowski described the sandwich that caused the certitude that he would one day be a lifeless, decomposing vessel to simply slip his mind as “real tasty.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest8 Comments

Seeking Alternatives to Lethal Injection, States Consider Guillotine, Bear Mauling

Seeking Alternatives to Lethal Injection, States Consider Guillotine, Bear Mauling

Assville, Missouri — On the heels of an execution gone disturbingly wrong in Ohio, states are pondering more modern ways to execute death row inmates.

McGuire was convicted of brutally raping and murdering a pregnant newlywed. The Ohio execution of Dennis McGuire took nearly 25 minutes and was criticized by many for its apparent lack of efficacy, since the inmate gasped and gurgled for breath for what seemed an eternity. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Human Interest5 Comments

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