ORLANDO, FL – As SeaWorld prepares to reintroduce its “Dancing with Killer Whales” program this weekend, rumors have begun rising, like tiny bubbles of blood to the surface of the water, regarding the mind set of orca trainer Dawn Brancheau, who died a public and agonizing death last week. Continue Reading

LOS ANGELES – The next time Kevin Smith visits If It Smells Like Fish, his favorite sushi bar in L.A., he will have to purchase two seats. According to a source close to Mr. Smith—or as close to him as one can get—Benny Hanna, manager of the popular eatery, informed the mountainous director of the decision by e-mail yesterday. Continue Reading

NORFOLK, Vir. – PETA has served notice to SeaWorld attorneys that it plans to file an amicus Delphinidae brief in a Florida district court on behalf of Tilikum, the so-called “killer whale,” who is suspected of drowning one of his trainers while attempting to turn her into sashimi.

“Though killer whales, also known as orcas, are considered whales by most people, they are actually members of the Delphinidae (dolphin) family,” said PETA co-founder and president, Ingrid Newkirk. “Therefore, Tilikum deserves to be tried as a dolphin.” Continue Reading

OTTAWA, ON – After winning a lengthy legal battle for the right to keep exotic cougars on his property in rural Ontario, Buford Starwarrior was mauled to death by a 125-pound animal.

Starwarrior, a 26-year-old shut-in and aspiring comic book artist who lived in his parent’s basement, legally changed his last name from Johnston last year. Continue Reading

Too many unadopted Georgia Highways, too many Georgia orphans. Answer? Combine the two. At least that’s the thinking of the state legislature here in the Peach State.

“We literally have miles and miles of unadopted highways in this state,” says State Commissioner of Roads and Director of Orphanages, Luther McCoy. “And if we can use clever marketing to get more of these roads and highways taken care of, who’s going to stop us?” Continue Reading

BOSTON, Massachusetts — One of the country’s oldest dialects, which traces its origins to before the American Revolution, has become extinct after the last person to speak it died.

Winthrop Quincy Endicott Lowell VI, the last surviving heir to the Endicott compost fortune, took his life Sunday after declaring bankruptcy, the result of his family’s close ties with financial institutions heavily vested in the fraudulent derivatives market. Continue Reading

After not being allowed into a California Pizza Restaurant one morning earlier this month, about 100 members of the OpenCarry Movement went to another restaurant in Walnut Creek, CA to show their fire power in full force, except of course, there was no fire power. Just a bunch of folks with unloaded guns, exercising their 2nd Amendment rights and showing off the fact that if they had firepower, it would, well, be inside their guns and not sitting back at home or in some cop’s possession after having had it confiscated as contraband. Continue Reading

HOLLISTER, CA — A group of British executives representing 11 Hollister Co. stores in the United Kingdom suffered through a horrific 48-hour ordeal when they accidentally traveled to Hollister, California, mistaking it for the origin of the eponymous clothing brand. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Barbie doll turned fifty-one recently, and First Lady Michelle Obama noted the occasion by announcing that Barbie would serve as the official spokesperson for the White House’s anti-childhood-obesity campaign.

“If America’s young people looked more like Barbie and Ken, and less like Jack and Kelly Osbourne,” said the first lady, “this country could get its butt in gear again.” Continue Reading

LOS ANGELES, CA — Martin Freneticksburg, a college freshman, found himself diagnosed with social anxiety disorder last September after he pledged to a fraternity only to crumble under the ridicule and embarrassment of the customary hazing. Martin is not alone. Doctors say this experience is becoming more common in young adults, especially females. Continue Reading

EXTON, PA – A seventy-two-year-old man set fire to his apartment in the Sunrise Acres retirement facility last night after he had tried to light a candle but ignited the drapes instead. Gerald DeHaven told police he had taken Viagra about an hour before accidentally starting the blaze that destroyed the drapes and a futon in his apartment and forced the evacuation of the 525-member facility. Continue Reading

CAMDEN, N.J. – Donald Goerke, the man who put the “Oh” in SpaghettiOs®, choked to death Sunday night while eating his customary bedtime snack of SpaghettiOs® and chocolate milk. He was eighty-three.

Mr. Goerke joined the Campbell organization in 1955 as a market analyst. The venerable soupmaking firm had been resting on its ladles since developing a technique for removing the water and the flavor from real soup several decades before, but change was on the menu. Continue Reading

BOSTON, Mass. – Singles who were kicked off the elite dating site BeautifulPeople.com, the self-proclaimed “sexiest website in the world,” are not taking their dismissal lying down. Many of the 5,000 people who were ruled off the site for porking up over the holidays are launching a new dating site called PrettyFaces.com. Continue Reading

It is reported that a man in Germany did more than borrow a cup of sugar when he asked his neighbor to impregnate his wife for $2,500.

Demetrius Soupolos was sterile and unable to have children with his former beauty-queen wife, Truate. He offered to pay his neighbor, Frank Maus, who looked like him and had a couple kids as proof that his boys could swim, $2,500 to knock up his wife. However, after 72 sexual encounters over a six-month period, Maus failed to put a baby into Truate’s belly. Continue Reading

The year 2009 saw a plethora of bad daddy behavior around the country and we, at Glossy News, thought we’d take the low road and list some of our favorites. Although we are using a numbering system to count the dads down, in our book, they all deserve to receive the #1 worst father of the year award.

10. On April 2, 2009 at approximately 3 a.m., Robert Daniel Webb had a hankering for a hot cup of coffee, got his little 9-year-old daughter, Meadow, out of bed, and drove the two of them down to the local AM/PM Mini Mart Continue Reading

Washington DC —EBBQ Today the offices of John Boehner (Bay-ner) (R–OH) revealed that Senator Boehner and former Senator Bobdole (R–KS ret.) have maintained a secret same-sex marriage for the past 13 years.

“In fact,” a Bobdole spokesperson said, “Bobdole did legally adopt Sen. Boehner at that time, as there was no state where they could legally be married. In fact they are father and son. This is a relationship that is quite familiar in the gay circles. There are whole internets set up to facilitate this type of relationship,” the spokesperson said. “It works quite well for them.” Continue Reading

The relatives of a 40-stone (254 kg) man from Scumerset informed a reporter for the Mass Graves Gazette that the undertaker had advised them the deceased’s body was too heavy for cremation.

Frank McGrunt, a 95-year old former meat pie taster with Gluttons Gourmet Foods, was pronounced DOA at Scumborough General Hospital last Tuesday afternoon following an attack of terminal flatulence which caused his colon to detonate through spontaneous combustion. Continue Reading

In the heart of the coolest part of Missoula, Montana, and I assure you such a place can and does exist, is a playground park like no other I’ve ever seen. When I say it’s the tallest playground ever, I am so beside myself I can’t possibly be expected to back it up with facts or figures. Continue Reading