By a lonely Irish ward, I heard an infant wailing
“Mammy, they said they’re taking me away,
For the people repealed the 8th
To be cut in pieces is my fate
Mammy, save me, or I’ll never see the light of day!”
Orange County, CA- “My grandfather was bald, so was his Da… so is mine,” Jake Collins tells me as he runs a tattooed hand across his shiny pink scalp. “It’s kinda a family trait, like diabetes, quick tempers, and tattoos,” He pulls up his sleeve to show off more of his ink, then frames his face with hands marked HATE and EVIL, then flashes a quick smile that’s equal parts gold and mischief.
“Great grandpa Seamus, the first Collins to call America home was more of a dabbler when it came to working the needle. He worked a hot brand for the K Ranch in Kansas City, markin’ steer for his keep. Tattooing for him I think was just a release valve. That is, until grandpa Jack came around and took an early interest in the craft.”
Clear, FL- “Authorities have no leads at this time, and the student body is obviously very disappointed,” Clear County Superintendent of Schools, Denise Tasker told reporters from the steps of James Marsden High School on Monday morning. “I know how much these kids have been looking forward to this year’s Bottle Smosh, and for this to happen two days before the event… it is devastating.”
Monday morning, police were dispatched to the suburban Central Florida campus, after administrators arrived to find that thousands of glass bottles housed at the onsite Recycling Center had been destroyed over the weekend.
“This is a major bummer,” student director of Recycling, Trevor Campbell told me after the press conference. “For the last two years, our Recycling Program has organized the Bottle Smosh. On the last day of the school year, students sign up to run through the Smosh Course, throwing bottles at designated targets throughout our warehouse facility. A panel of judge’s awards each participant a score based on targets hit, time of completion, and level of enthusiasm. At the end of the event, we gather the broken glass, and put it on the big scales, then award the student who guessed closest to the weight, a hundred dollar gift card to the Salvation Army. Last year we gathered over three tons of glass. And this year it actually looked like we were going to shatter that number.”
Throughout my life, I’ve held a variety of jobs – from Sales Director to Director of Sales and everything in between. Given the chance, I could have been a superstar selling advertising, life insurance or legal research to anyone from astronauts to Aborigines, had my employers not fired me for poor performance and incompetence. So, you can imagine my excitement when I recently heard about an opening that sounded right up my alley: Working the BINGO booth at our local county fair.
(Note from the editor: You can actually play some Bingo for yourself over at the newly released site Umbingo).
When word got to me that a local non-profit needed help with the fair’s BINGO operations, I knew I was the perfect candidate. When the BINGO Boss man called, I was totally prepared. I had updated my resume to reflect relevant skills that made me uniquely qualified for this challenge – most notably that I was adept – even under pressure – at differentiating most letters from numbers.
I was surprised at how few questions the recruiter posed during the interview. His opening pitch was, “Are you willing to work the BINGO booth at the fair this weekend?” From the get-go, I picked up on serious buying signals. Not to appear immodest, but I am a tenacious negotiator. I asked him what the base salary was. He said there was no salary. I interpreted that to mean it was commission-only. No problem, I thought. That just means the sky’s the limit. Read more My Short-Lived Career As A BINGO Announcer ›
[The following is a message from the Portland, Oregon Visitors’ Bureau.]
Welcome to Portland, Oregon, America’s Most Liberal City.
If you’re planning to spend a few days in the Rose City, we at the Portland Visitor’s Bureau would like to offer a few friendly suggestions to help make your stay as pleasant as possible.
First, we might as well get this one right out of the way. In Portland, we’re slightly left of center in our politics. If you’re a lifelong Republican or you accidentally voted for Donald Trump, no need to apologize. But, you might want to rethink your travel plans. We hear Tulsa is a place you might enjoy, with its expansive plains and oil rig fields.
But if you’re someone who thinks Hillary should have been our 45th president, or better still, Bernie, or even better yet, Spider-Man, then you’ll feel right at home here. Our city’s motto is KEEP PORTLAND WEIRD. In case you thought that was Austin, Texas’ motto, you’re right. We don’t mind sharing. Read more Welcome to Portland ›
Dateline: Cubicle District 64, Year 2028—Mystifying tens of millions of authors, Horatio Masterson is the only remaining writer who is still somehow being paid for his work, and in this exclusive report, we reveal the secret of his success. Read more Last Remaining Author Paid by Parakeet ›