Archive | Human Interest

“Crack is Whack” is Back (in Black?)

“Crack is Whack” is Back (in Black?)

New York, New York–Drug Abuse Resistance Education, better known as D.A.R.E., has yet another catchy phrase it will soon be rolling out.

“Crack is Whack,” the phrase made famous by Whitney Houston in a Diane Sawyer television interview, will be unveiled as D.A.R.E.’s new slogan. “We feel this will get the kids’ attention and appeal to the younger hipper kids of today.

Just Say No was a simpleton’s approach to warning our youth about the dangers of drugs,” that according to D.A.R.E. spokeswoman Marla Jonesboro. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Human Interest1 Comment

Groundbreaking U(KIP)-Turn: Kippers Start Actually Hating Foreigners

Groundbreaking U(KIP)-Turn: Kippers Start Actually Hating Foreigners

Nigel Farage is concerned that his Edgy-Rhetorical-Hobby-Club is hemorrhaging voters.

So His-Most-Exalted-Joe-Blogginess has come up with a plan to stop the rot (if not the moral decay) within his Circle-Jerk-Pet-Peeve-Party:

It seems for some wholly (in-)explicable reason, everybody thinks we are actually racist.

Instead of merely PRETENDING to be racist.

You know, solely in order to get elected… Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Politics0 Comments

Booty House Madison Coming Soon

Booty House Madison Coming Soon

Madison, WI—A Wisconsin entrepreneur is shaking things up with his plans to open a parlor house featuring nothing butt booty.

Mark Richards plans on opening the Booty House in Madison later this month. “I love booty, and I know I’m not alone.

That’s when the light bulb went off, maybe I can charge people to experience booty in a whole new light,” Richards said in a press release. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

Rich And Poor State What They Have To Be Thankful For This Thanksgiving- Mostly the Rich

Rich And Poor State What They Have To Be Thankful For This Thanksgiving- Mostly the Rich

“I am thankful that I have a job even though I have to work today ’cause my boss told me too.” said Chad Shafted in a slight break between customers at 11 at night at the Des Plains Walmart in Iowa.

“I am thankful even though I am not being paid a cent extra today.”

On the other hand, the entire Walmart owners, the Walton siblings (and we don’t mean the one from the TV series with Jon Boy), stated “We are thankful we have all these thousands of working bees laboring for us on Thanksgiving so that we can afford our luxus ski vacations in Switzerland today. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

Enda Kenny Voted World’s Most Charismatic Current Fine Gael Taoiseach

Enda Kenny Voted World’s Most Charismatic Current Fine Gael Taoiseach

A recent RTE poll, unsurprisingly, has determined that Enda Kenny, despite malicious rumors from irrational and extremist Fianna Fail hooligans™, really is (as none of us really doubted), the World’s Most Charismatic Current Fine Gael Taoiseach.

Admittedly, it was a close-run thing, as Kenny only grabbed 50.0001 of the vote; his thunder nearly being stole by Rodraig Spartacus O’Leprosy. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Politics0 Comments

LGBTQQ Community Finally Exhausts Alphabet

LGBTQQ Community Finally Exhausts Alphabet

It’s finally happened. The non-traditional sexuality and gender communities have exhausted the alphabet in their attempts to include everyone under one umbrella acronym.

Starting in the 1990s, those of different sexual persuasions started describing themselves as part of the LGBT or lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender community.

That designation worked for a while until some smaller marginalized minorities voiced their concerns. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People6 Comments

42 Reasons Why Scientology is LITERALLY The Absolute Truth (2)

42 Reasons Why Scientology is LITERALLY The Absolute Truth (2)

Yesterday, we ran Part One of this story. Today we conclude with the aptly named “Part Two”.

These articles as to why Scientology is right and true could as easily span a hundred articles or whole book of copyright protected guidance and instruction, or just a pamphlet.

We chose the middle ground. Well, the lower-middle ground. It’s the internet, after all, and we want people to be able to digest this all before answering what are their crimes. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism0 Comments

42 Reasons Why Scientology is LITERALLY The Absolute Truth (1)

42 Reasons Why Scientology is LITERALLY The Absolute Truth (1)

You’ve probably noticed: haters always criticize Scientology. Well, I’m going to educate all you curious and ripe-for-the-picking folks out there on why the doubters are wrong as Hell.

Admittedly, some conspicuously pretentious sophists will say that the reasons given here apply to other religions more than Scientology, but they are lying. And wicked. And should JUST SHUT THE HELL UP… Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism0 Comments

How Is An American Treated When He Tries To Get a Job in Mexico?

How Is An American Treated When He Tries To Get a Job in Mexico?

Much ado is made of the treatment of Latin Americans coming across our borders looking for illegal work.

But what happens when an American goes to Mexico to get a job. Roses are not exactly strewn across his path either.

When I was much younger I had had a bad experience volunteering for the forest service (don’t ever do it!) in Wyoming and, angered and upset that I had wasted a whole summer of no pay for thankless U.S. Government Rangers, I headed down to Mexico to escape for a while from the so-called ‘American Dream’. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Politics0 Comments

Syrian Rebels Beg Bono for Benefit to Save Them

Syrian Rebels Beg Bono for Benefit to Save Them

The last remnants of the allegedly “modern” and “progressive” faction of the Conspicuously Downtrodden Freedom Fighters in Syria™ have come up with a novel plan to prevent their allies in al-Qaeda from spending more time killing them than fighting President Assad.

“We asked Jabhat-al-Nusra and ISIS to come in and help us, but they turned on us and are slaughtering us like pigs,” wailed one self-styled secular militant:

“I mean, we need to find someone else who can do the job properly. We’ve invited Bono to come and save us, he’s good at that kind of thing. This is our last chance, but we believe if there is anyone at all on this earth who can help us win this war and preserve Our Common Humanity™, it’s Bono.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Human Interest0 Comments

“A Drunkard’s Dream If I Ever Did See One!”

“A Drunkard’s Dream If I Ever Did See One!”

This phrase from ‘Up On Cripple Creek’ by The Band pretty well sums up the first and perhaps the last conscious impression that one would have of Hurley, Wisconsin.

I had heard a couple times from people in Ironwood, Michigan just across the Montreal River and the state line from Hurley that it was ‘where everyone goes to drink’.

Coming into town from Highway 2 and arriving at the main junction and the main stop signs for Hurley that defines the towns business district, if one were to swivel ones head in a complete arc from left to right one would be amazed at the plethora of bars this place has to offer the willing to be soused visitor. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Strange People0 Comments

7 Best & Worst Halloween Tricks, Treats

7 Best & Worst Halloween Tricks, Treats

With good ol’ Saint Hallow’s Eve fast approaching, it’s time to think about the trick and/or treaters who will soon be knocking on your door fresh-faced and pre-diabetic.

You can make a ton of friends by handing out full-sized candy bars or silver dollars, but that adds up quickly and it still won’t spare your house from egging. Not being a Phys Ed teacher is usually enough to ensure that.

So what are the best & worst things to give out this Halloween? It may surprise you but the best and worst are one and the same. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Kidz Zone0 Comments

Ruse of Young Border Crossers Successful for Drug Cartels

Ruse of Young Border Crossers Successful for Drug Cartels

Suspicions have arisen lately that the recent spate of Latin children coming across the southern U.S. border were no spontaneous occurrence. Darker implications have revealed themselves.

“The operation was a total success!” states Juan Cokefetcher, middle manager for the Headchoppers Cartel of Chihuahua.

“Those stupid gringos never did figure out what it was all about; that those kids coming across seeking asylum were just a ruse to distract them.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Human Interest0 Comments

Pittsburgh: 3 So. Oakland Buildings Improved In Atwood Street Fire

Pittsburgh: 3 So. Oakland Buildings Improved In Atwood Street Fire

PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh Fire Department was called late last night to a three-alarm blaze on Atwood Street that, according to onlookers, “greatly improved at least three of the buildings.”

While the South Oakland inferno itself enveloped a swath containing only those three buildings, reports indicate that several adjacent structures also received partial upgrades from smoke damage. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest0 Comments

Service Group Logs More Photos than Hours Worked

Service Group Logs More Photos than Hours Worked

TUSCALOOSA,AL- This summer, 9 University of Alabama students traveled to New York City for a one week trip focused on community service.

During their week, each student logged 25 hours of service and the group collectively returned with 1,257 photos of themselves standing in and around different service sites.

While in NYC the students averaged 3.5 hours of service in soup kitchens and the Food Bank each day. In their free time, they experienced all the city had to offer like shopping, seeing Broadway shows, and avoiding giving a dollar to a man they fed that morning to ensure they had enough to buy another “I ♥ NY” tee. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Society0 Comments

Gingrich Pleads for More Pragmatism, Less Dogmatism on Stalin/Gulags Issue

Gingrich Pleads for More Pragmatism, Less Dogmatism on Stalin/Gulags Issue

Newt Gingrich, the GOP Ideas Man™ is dissatisfied with polarised views on Stalin’s allegedly atrocious human rights abuses, and he fears that a failure to compromise is holding back progress for the USA.

And actually, he’s taken care (once more) to inform us of where we are all going wrong:

Ok, you know, so here we are…

Yes, one side says that Stalin was an appalling and brutal monster, one of the most wicked and most callous people in history….

Despicable and depraved through and through, yes.

I mean, utterly lacking in any positive human qualities that anyone could conceivably attribute to any political leader, or even any person of basically decent character…

Yeah, some kind of Democrat-on-crack, a hobnailed big government mass-murderer!

But the other side says that he was a hero, some kind of virtuous, pristine and thoroughly admirable demi-god, who is absolutely and entirely beyond any criticism whatsoever…

Yes, the International Proletariat made flesh, and having his tabernacle among us. The Almighty and Beneficent God of the workers, except with a Wally Walrus mustache instead of a Prophet’s beard.

So you see? We’ve got two very dogmatic positions, no hint of a compromise, it’s idealism over pragmatism.

But you know what? I’m an ideas man, I like taking a practical perspective, so that we don’t get bogged down in futile accusations and counter-accusations, and the politics of disagreement.

Yes… I mean, if we both stick dogmatically to these entrenched positions, it’s pretty difficult to see how we can move on and form a consensus.

For sure. So let’s be practical here; what about we say, OK granted, Stalin did some pretty unpleasant things, but on the other hand, he had a few achievements too, yeah? Right?

I mean, why don’t we just seek the middle ground, and quit just slinging mud at each other, purely because of our own rigid preconceptions and prejudices?

(Goddayum! TM broke!)

But not everyone is impressed with Gingrich’s “open-minded” approach:

“You know what?” says Professor Noam Chomsky, the Visiting Professor in (Kinda) Non-Marxist Dialectics and also Non-Hierarchical Vice-Turnip-Puller of the Massachussetts Socialist Commune Cadre Educative Studyhouse:

“This is old news. This is what Principled Left-wing Intellectuals™ (ah, TM fix!) have been saying for years.”

Prominent political analyst and commentator Ted Nugent is also unimpressed:

“If Newt “RINO” Gingrich wants to be a despicable apologist for those evil, ungodly Soviets, well why doesn’t he just go and live in the Soviet Union? Hell, I’ll buy him a plane ticket myself™!”

Well, nice to see Ted has been keeping up with the news in recent decades.

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Posted in Human Interest, Society3 Comments

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