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What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The Super Bowl

What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The Super Bowl

Far beyond the reaches of normal men’s consciousnesses there exists a part of the etheric worlds where what could have been still can be.

All events as remembered by the minds of men are not held fast in memories lock, but are fluid and flexible, and not confined to history’s limiting pages.

All the conditions that led to so many ‘historical’ events, be they political, military, or even that most mundane of human activities- sports- are a set of possibilities leading up to results that are now considered locked in an illusionary time and place called history.

But what if those conditions had been altered- the weather caused one army to defeat another instead of vice-versa, an accident of death to one individual causes an entire nations fate to be altered and so forth? What if the aftermath of those conditions could be played out as though something different had changed the course of a history and could be known to we mere mortals?

Say, for instance, if the Green Bay Packers had not been defeated by the San Francisco 49er’s in the play offs and had gone on to play the Seattle Sea Hawks in the Super Bowl, what would the multiple minute conditions that would be altered be, all the little variables like the changes in the weather from one place to the other, from the changes in the national football consciousness as a result, from the attitudes of the different players involved be. What would have been the outcome?

Using spiritual seers who can peer deeply into the etheric mists, we have uncovered ‘The Mystery Of What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The 2014 Super Bowl’- a foretelling as full of haunting majesty, power and glory as the ghosts visiting Scrooge on Christmas Eve.

Forth down, fifteenth yard line, fourth quarter. The Packers again have the Seahawks on the ropes as they battle if out for another touchdown. The Packers have, out of sheer pity, allowed the Seahawks to get 6 points ahead so that the foredooming loss will not ruin their self-esteem.

That is the famous compassion that Wisconsiners have for all out of staters, but now even that virtue must come to an end in the scrimmage for the top glory of footballdom. Now it was payback time. Quarterback Aaron Rogers falls back, fakes a pass, then runs it in himself side-arming several Seahawks who fall on the ground and cry like babies, some at being hurt and some at the score being even upped.

The field goal scores and the Seahawks are sweating. The lineup forms, the Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson throws. Ball goes 15 yards downfield and is caught. Player is tackled by the Packer human battering rams; the Seahawks runner’s leg is accidentally is broken off at the hip. Player is carried off field screaming wildly in pain. Packers put detached leg on ice to save for the trophy room.

Seahawks pass another ball 10 yards downfield, Packers corn-fed bulldozers bear down on him. Ball recipient screams like a girl and immediately heads for sidelines. Gets caught one foot short of sidelines and is buried under a wave of green and gold uniforms. When pile of oversized bodies is finally pulled off him his head is twisted around backwards, making it hard for him to chew food and walk down a street straight for the rest of his life.

On the next play, Russell Wilson runs the ball himself, then when he sees the Packer bullet trains pounding towards him, he turns and runs 20 yards back shrieking wildly and successful makes it to the sidelines before being avalanched by the Packer defense.

An angered Seahawks cheerleader seeing this grabs the ball from him and runs it down field herself. She is daintily tackled by the Packers front men at the 20 yard line. She finds herself excited by this experience and gives all five men her phone number and tells them to call her after the game.

Russell Wilson is set upon by the other cheerleaders who are humiliated by his actions, beaten to a cottage cheese consistency, and, in a move that led to quite a bit of television censorship, was ‘Bobbited’ and thereby deprived forever of his manhood.

Now desperate not to be embarrassed by the whole nation and having their star quarterback de-manned in public, the Seahawks pull out their last card. In a move that ranks in the highest level of treachery, cunning and outright bastardly conniving, they introduce the secret quarterback they had covertly hired as a trump card just in case of such an emergency ensued. The new quarterback comes out on the field covered by a blanket to conceal his identity.

The huddle forms, the new thrower for the Seahawks throws off the blanket. A gasp goes through the Packer stadium. It is Brett Favre, more infamous than Benedict Arnold even as a traitor.

seahawks-slam-twoA resounding ‘Boooooooooooooo!!! sounds through the entire stadium, then, as the images reach TV sets, throughout the entire city of Green Bay, then throughout the whole state of Wisconsin, reaching decibels so loud that they knock out communications satellites in space above the Midwest for the next twenty minutes.

The lines form, the ball is shunted, Favre passes. The ball goes downfield, is caught and taken to the end zone for a goal. The entire stadium screams in unison, making a bestial moan so strong that it moves the earth a full meter off its rotation.

The entire Packer team, driven by outrage to a level of frustration that no human should ever have to endure, rush their former teammate and pile down on him, beefy appendages flailing. In a ten minute massacre that TV censors will soon call ‘the day we really made big overtime’, the assault on Favre is so thorough that what is left of him is passed through a sieve and put in a bottle for burial.

Thus the 2014 Super Bowl becomes the first ever to end in default. Too afraid of the rabid Packer fans, the game officials just hand the Packers the trophy and go running for the gates. Only a few clips of the Packers celebrating their victory surface, taken by private cameras and photo devices as all professional camera men had run for their lives.

They show a jubilant Packerland mob celebrating their heroes win and the ones taken when they thought no one was watching no one was watching showing them stomping the surviving Seahawks players into the Astroturf like grapes being made into fine Wisconsin jelly, a proud tradition handed down from their Viking heritage.

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This post was written by

- who has written 433 posts on GlossyNews.com.

I was born and I died. Being a disembodied entity makes it very cheap for me to get by. Not having to worry about eating or having a place to live gives me a lot of freedom to squander my time writing occasionally funny articles. See more almost funny stuff at http://inyear252509.wordpress.com/

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18 Responses to “What Would Have Happened Had The Packers Played The Seahawks For The Super Bowl”

  1. Kilroy says:

    That would only happen if we went back in time and killed Hitler, rfreed. In this reality, the Packers, digestively impacted from too much cheese, lost to the Foo-Foo 92ers. The SeaHawks drew the short straw, won the conference and will be tied to a stake and served up to “King Kong” Manning and his Broncos in the SuperBowl. So it is written….

  2. rfreed says:

    If you had said any other team than the Broncos I could have forgiven you, Killjoy.

    But you had to go and say the Broncos…….

  3. Kilroy says:

    Yeah, the Denver Broncos. And did I mention…it’s the mile “high” city?

  4. Well done rfreed, well done. Cheerleaders are tougher than people might think. However, I think Favre would have thrown an interception on his last throw. Easy now on Russell Wilson. Having watched him play for the Badgers, I have a ginormous man crush on him, much to the dismay of my darling wife.

  5. deeptrout says:

    Seattle and GB are both in the NFC.

  6. rfreed says:

    I had threatened to write this and I did.
    I came, I saw, I satired.
    Stew in it!

    Message to deeptrout- Why should I let little things like facts get in my way?

  7. Kilroy says:

    Ah, rfreed the terrorist satirist.

  8. rfreed says:

    Are you following me around where ever I go!
    SCAT!!!!
    HIT THE ROAD JACK AND DON’T YOU COME BACK NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE!!
    Don’t you have anything better to do?
    I really hate to go through all that hassle with the restraining order again. REMEMBER??????????
    Hey, look! There is a Scooby Doo marathon on the Fox station! Why don’t you go check it out?

  9. P. Beckert says:

    Sounds like someone needs to smoke a doobie and mellow out.

  10. Kilroy says:

    Hey, rfreed, Ray Charles called. He wants his starting position as GB’s quarterback back. And not only that…Oooooo, Scooby Doo, you say?

  11. deeptrout says:

    Satire suceeds when the premise is based Ina kernel of truth.

  12. rfreed says:

    Nuts! Is that why I am getting nowhere fast!?

  13. deeptrout says:

    I don’t know, where are you going?

  14. Brian White says:

    Well I guess we'll never know since the Packers had the common decency to eliminate themselves from contention.

  15. Kilroy says:

    They didn’t want to crash and burn in front of 50 million viewers.
    The Seahawks have no such shame, eh?

  16. rfreed says:

    I would like to see both of you used for tackle dummies for about 5 minutes on the Packers field.
    I would come by afterwards with a bucket to pick up the ooze left over for burial.

  17. Kilroy says:

    Hey, I just got a Tweet from Peyton Manning. It says, “Dear Packers. At the SuperBowl. Wish you were here.”

  18. rfreed says:

    I bet Manning wishes he wasn’t.

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