ill-Reputed, Reputedly ill Onion Writer Reported Dead
A highly respected writer for The Onion was found dead in near Fargo, North Dakota Thursday. The cause of death is still being investigated. The body of Kilroy Kovacs III, who went by the pseudonym “Kilroy”, was found in an…
Cute Baby Rolls Over, Facebook Servers Crash
A SOCIAL media site descended into chaos last night following the news that a four-month-old baby had hit a milestone. According to reports, baby Molly, rolled on to her stomach to the delight of her proud mother, Bev Herman, who…
ScarJo Quits OXFAM, Joins IDF
Tel Aviv, Israel – Possibly fearing career backlash over her eight year stint as official ambassador for international human rights organization OXFAM, Scarlett Johansson has decided to join the Israel Defense Forces (IDF). “I am very happy to be part…
Mass Murderer Calls Republicans Soft on Satanic Values
Dateline: LOS ANGELES—In a documentary about the life of the infamous anarchist and sadistic mass murder, Max Truculence, Mr. Truculence criticizes American conservatives for being “soft-hearted, effeminate phonies.” He spoke from prison, since he’s currently serving a thousand year sentence…
Ten Year Government Study Concludes People Like Beaches
Amity Island, FL – A recently completed government financed study of people’s weekend and holiday habits has concluded that people like beaches. “We weren’t sure why people were going to the seashore.” said lead research scientist Phil Pockets. “Was it…
Pope Francis Objects to Notre Dame Stadium Overhaul
When University of Notre Dame officials announced Wednesday that they were building a $400 million extension onto its football stadium, many were initially critical of the project’s price tag. But one notable critic has come forward to oppose the project…
Tailgator Arrested
Gainesville, Florida – Police enforcement adjacent to the University of Florida announced Thursday that they made an arrest in a case brought to their attention by a concerned citizen. The police received a 911 call Saturday morning that a disorderly…
Michael Jackson, Whitney Housten, Reportedly Still Dead
THOUSANDS of social media users were shocked to learn that ‘music legends’ such as Michael Jackson and Whitney Huston are still dead. The distressing news came throughout the months following the announcement of the pop idols’ deaths. Mourners took to…
George Zimmerman To Box Black Ewok
Alamo, TX – Boxing promoter Damon Feldman announced today he has inked a deal for cult neighborhood watch leader George Zimmerman to fight black dwarf actor Tony Cox in a celebrity boxing match to be held in Selma, Alabama on…
Grammy Committee To Require Black Face
Los Angeles, CA – In response to criticism over white artists Macklemore and Lewis winning several rap categories at this weeks Grammy Awards, the Grammy Committee has voted to require white artists winning in traditional black categories such as Rap,…