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Olive Garden’s Dirty Secret Uncovered!

Olive Garden’s Dirty Secret Uncovered!

Willow Grove, Pennsylvania – The location where the last known Olive Garden once stood before it succumbed to extinction was the site of a groundbreaking find on Thursday when archaeologists unexpectedly discovered a new insect that has been named the Mantodoughia Dictyoptera or Baking Mantis.

The insect is a close relative of the Praying Mantis although it has different features including a body in the shape of a breadstick and the ability to lure in its prey with a strong aroma of buttery garlic spray. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Asteroid RC 15: “I Purposely Avoided Collision With Earth”

Asteroid RC 15: “I Purposely Avoided Collision With Earth”

OUTER SPACE: In an exclusive interview, RC15, an asteroid that, on Sunday, passed closer to earth than the moon, says it purposely avoided a collision with our planet.

“I really, really did not want to hit you guys after I got close enough to see the kind of shit the human race is going through. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem whatsoever colliding with an inhabited planet. But once I realized how polluted, overpopulated, mismanaged, and just generally dismal Earth was, I had to do everything I could to miss you guys.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Science1 Comment

New Postage Stamp Baked as a Tribute to Extinct Restaurant Chain

New Postage Stamp Baked as a Tribute to Extinct Restaurant Chain

Washington, D.C. – In an effort to promote breadstick awareness following the loss of America’s beloved restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, the United States Postal Service has announced the release of a set of commemorative stamps honoring the breadsticks that were once offered complimentary with the purchase of any entrée.

“It’s a great day to be an American!” Said Lindsay Bahkedfriesh, President of the National Breadstick Association (N.B.A.).

“We need to spread the word regarding this tragic event so that we can avoid similar instances in the future. The Olive Garden breadstick will always have a place in our hearts and now Americans can be proud to erect this historic stamp in the right-hand corner of their envelopes,” a tearful Bahkedfriesh added, while sealing the back of an envelope with the garlic butter from a moist breadstick.

While some are joyful for the release of the new stamp, environmentalists see it as a sign of dangerous events to come.

“Since the collapse of this great restaurant, combined with the extinction of breadsticks that used to come complimentary with the order of any entrée, we have been tracking very unusual weather patterns that mimic the image of a large salad bowl,” said Lead Meteorologist, Gerald O’Buttre of the National Weather Center (NWC) located on the University of Oklahoma’s campus.

“These storms are picking up speed and ingredients at an alarming pace and are making mincemeat of anything in their path,” a very concerned O’Buttre added.

The Syfy channel, owned by NBCUniversal recently announced that they are releasing a made-for-tv movie entitled Breadsterastorm, portraying this theory and starring Eddie Murphy, Bill Pullman and America’s breadheart, Catherine Zeta-Jones. The film is expected to air Thanksgiving Day and is beginning to attract more interest from breadthusiasts everywhere.

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Posted in Science, Television5 Comments

The Condemned No Longer Fear The Reaper

The Condemned No Longer Fear The Reaper

FLORENCE, Ariz. (GlossyNews) — A government think tank has come up with a novel idea to ensure there are no more botched executions like the one that occurred this week in Arizona. States have traveled a long and winding road to find alternatives after a shortage of standard execution drugs. This shortage was created by European drug manufacturers banging their opposition to capital punishment like a cowbell. Thus far, States have been unsuccessful in finding suitable alternatives as exemplified by West Virginia’s “meth, gun powder and white lightening” concoction that just seems to make the condemned more hostile than usual. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Science, Top Stories2 Comments

Scientists: Potheads Cannot Recognize Connection between Their Stash & Murderous Drug Cartels

Scientists: Potheads Cannot Recognize Connection between Their Stash & Murderous Drug Cartels

Scientists have finally proven that there is a big disconnect in the minds of those heavily into pot.

It has been long suspected that marijuana use has negative effects upon the brains and bodies of partakers, a claim equally long denied by the users.

“It is obvious from our recent studies that pot users cannot distinguish reality from fiction.” put forth William Smartguy, head researcher at the Westmoreland Clinic for Studying Dopes and Dope Fiends. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science10 Comments

Study shows Men secretly Resent Women’s Phatness

Study shows Men secretly Resent Women’s Phatness

Dateline: NEW YORK—Islamic states are infamous in the West for forcing women to wear burqas, since those outer garments obscure the shape of women’s bodies and are thus odious from a feminist standpoint. Defenders of the sexist laws typically resort to theological or moral rationales, none of which is found in the Quran.

But a team of researchers at NYU has published a study explaining the behaviour as the result of men’s surprising annoyance at women for being sexy and beautiful.
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Posted in Religionism, Science0 Comments

Arizona Scientists Prove Alien Existence; Body is Launched Back to Planet Mexico

Arizona Scientists Prove Alien Existence; Body is Launched Back to Planet Mexico

Scientists from the University of Arizona have concluded this Friday that the possible existence of extraterrestrial life could become a reality after certain test results are finalized.

The University was baffled when a 2,500 year old alien life form, Ernesto Torres, was found dead wrapped inside a white blanket lying next to an abandoned bicycle.

Police were also able to locate a note reading, “E.T VA A CASA”. The University is using its finest Native Americans to decipher its message. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Science & Technologizzy0 Comments

Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

Scientists Find Water On Nearby Useless, Soda-less Planet

CAPE CANAVERAL, FLA. — Scientists with the NASA space program recently uncovered several million gallons of potable water — though no traces of carbonated liquid of any kind — on a large, nearby planet in what is being pronounced “a hugely disappointing discovery that in no way whatsoever helps the human species or its quest to find a realistically habitable alternative to Earth,” sources report. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, Technology4 Comments

Cosmos Show embroiled in Legal Controversy with Churches

Cosmos Show embroiled in Legal Controversy with Churches

Dateline: LOS ANGELES—Dozens of churches in the United States are collectively suing the producers of Cosmos, the reboot of the television show previously hosted by Carl Sagan, for “stealing the Christian shtick.”

The filed complaint was obtained by the press and it alleges that the first episode of the show portrays Giordano Bruno as a Christ-like figure, while the second episode sanctifies the DNA molecule.
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Posted in Religionism, Science, Television14 Comments

Facing Extinction, Olive Garden Traces Dinosaur’s Demise For Answers

Facing Extinction, Olive Garden Traces Dinosaur’s Demise For Answers

70 Million years ago in modern day Orlando, Florida – It is a warm, sunny afternoon during the Cretaceous Era as Breadsterastyx, a close relative of Triceratops, feasts on a large garden filled with ferns and wildflowers, while closely watching one of its offspring grazing peacefully.

Suddenly, from behind the trees comes a towering Tyrannosaurus Rex seeking a substantial meal to satisfy its insatiable hunger. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Science24 Comments

The Universe Is F*cking Ridiculous, Say World’s Leading Astrophysicists

The Universe Is F*cking Ridiculous, Say World’s Leading Astrophysicists

STOCKHOLM, Sweden—Last week, researchers from MIT, Cambridge, The Swiss Federal Institute of Technology, and other renowned institutions met at the World Astrophysics Conference in Stockholm, where many of the greatest minds in astrophysics debated the properties of dark matter, the existence of multiple universes, and what happens to matter as it passes a black hole’s event horizon. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science24 Comments

Microbiologist Lies About Finding Life on Mars

Microbiologist Lies About Finding Life on Mars

PASADENA, Ca — Last Thursday, the team leading NASA’s Mars Science Laboratory mission made history when the rover Curiosity identified indisputable evidence of life on Mars—or so it seemed.

The historic discovery, initially made by microbiologist Dr. James Weaver, turned out to be an elaborate ruse Weaver concocted in an effort to “take the piss” out of his colleagues.

“I couldn’t resist,” said a very smug Dr. Weaver.

“Those jagweeds were getting crazy excited about a bunch of damned rocks. It was annoying as hell. I thought I’d mix things up a little.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science12 Comments

Giant Sinkhole Draining Gulf of Mexico

Giant Sinkhole Draining Gulf of Mexico

NAPLES, FL – Despite warnings of rising coastal waters around the globe, scientists, in late 2012, found that the coastal waters abutting the Gulf of Mexico were actually declining at a rate of .001 (1/1000) inches per month. While in and of itself, this seems like an insignificant amount of change, over the course of the past year or so, the coastal shores have grown by more than that amount, or roughly .07 inches (7/100) or more. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Science1 Comment

Strange Hieroglyphics Found on Russian Meteorite

Strange Hieroglyphics Found on Russian Meteorite

Chelyabinsk, Russia – Scientists have located a large chunk of the Chelyabinsk meteorite that came crashing down in Siberia on February 15, causing injuries in this small village in the Ural region of Russia.

The fragment was recovered from Lake Chebarkul by astronomers from the Ural Federal University and brought immediately to an undisclosed location for further examination.

News of a strange encryption on a large part of the meteorite indicates that this is no ordinary rock from outer space, but could possibly hold the key to the question “are we alone in the universe?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, World News23 Comments

China Lays Blame for Lunar Disaster On Female Driver

China Lays Blame for Lunar Disaster On Female Driver

At a press conference Saturday China announced its lunar mission was in danger and appeared to lay blame on it’s female rover.

The rover, named Yutu and translated as “Rickshaw Woman”, got off to a rocky start when it overshot its landing zone by 3400 miles. Yutu was supposed to land on the visible side of the moon but ended up far away on the cold, dark side. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science, World News3 Comments

Scientists Discover Modern World “May Be Bad For You”

Scientists Discover Modern World “May Be Bad For You”

A recent scientific discovery claims that modern conveniences are having negative side-effects on the mental and bodily health of many first-world inhabitants.

Scientists from around the globe report today that modern conveniences, such as the luxury of remaining stationary and sitting on your ass at home; sitting on your ass at work; sitting on your ass at a bar, a restaurant, at school, or at game; taking a break from being stationary and sitting on your ass in a motor vehicle; or sitting on your ass while defecating may all actually have many potential negative consequences—with the most common cases resulting in obesity or depression due to a lack of stimulation. Continue Reading

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