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Hotheads’ Violence caused by Hot Climates, Study finds

Hotheads’ Violence caused by Hot Climates, Study finds

Dateline: GREENLAND—A sociobiological study from Bigwig University in Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland shows that the areas around the world with the hottest temperatures tend to be inhabited by more aggressive, bellicose peoples, or “hotheads,” as the study calls them, while colder zones are home to more peaceful, even timid populations.

The team of scientists concludes that collective belligerence is a form of literal hot-headedness in which a screaming-hot environment transfers its heat to the human head and turns the mind into a stew of animal reactions, bypassing the brain’s rational faculties and driving the population as a whole to childish displays of wonton irrationality and brutality.

The deserts of the Middle East and Africa, along with Southeast Asia, Central America, Mexico, and the southern (Republican) United States are marked by dictatorships, perennial civil wars, gang wars, coups, chaos, rampant crime, riots, bloody uprisings, bigotry or fundamentalist lunacy.

By contrast, Canada, Alaska, the northern (Democratic) United States, and Europe are known for being sober, peaceful, and stable to the point of being infamously dull.

“It’s hard to stir up trouble,” said the team’s lead researcher, Professor Francesca Bobbins, “or to get all offended and hot-headed when there’s a foot of snow outside your door or when you know the snow will come in a matter of weeks or months. I mean literally, it’s hard to heat your head enough to sustain animal rage when it’s often super-cold out.

“But just imagine living in a desert that fries and scrambles your brains. How can you stop to think when you’re always stinking and soaking wet with sweat? Haven’t you got to take your rage out on someone, like the government or a rival sect or some other scapegoat? Mustn’t the excess heat that bubbles up in the heads of those dwelling in a humid environment be vented back into the world by some series of violent outbursts to prevent those heads from exploding?”

The researchers tested their hypothesis by observing the facial expressions and by measuring the heat steaming off of the heads of subjects who agreed just to stand for hours in the streets of altogether too-hot places, including San Antonio, Mexico City, Khartoum, Riyadh, and Bangkok. Invariably, the test subjects became increasingly agitated as the sweat streamed down their faces, dampening their shirts and messing up their underwear.

Subjects reported feeling their blood boil when strangers stopped merely to say “Hello” and were unable to concentrate when the researchers posed simple problems to them to determine whether heat negatively affects cognition.

“The sociobiologist asked me, ‘What’s two times four?’ and I swear I blanked,” recalled one test subject. “Back home in Halifax, Canada, I could have answered that with no problem, but standing there in Riyadh in that dreadful heat, my fevered brain was racing from one impulse and nonsensical notion to the next, as if the desert were boiling my neurons. All I could think was: ‘Get me the fuck out of this oppressive heat!’ And failing that, ‘Whom can I take out this aggression on?’”

As one of the researchers explained, “It’s like the difference between cold and boiling water. When water is very cold it’s frozen and so it tends to stay put, going nowhere; but when it boils, it spills out and bubbles up everywhere from the transfer of energy.”

Critics point out that the experiment was conducted in large cities, which suggests that the aggression may have been caused not by the blazing heat, but by the nearby presence of way too many people, the principle being as Sartre said, that “Hell is other people.”

The researchers replied that there are large cities in peaceful nations too, such as Toronto, Canada. What turns one large population into “placid, mousey little nobodies” and another into “a horde of raging orcs and barbarians” is largely the climate, said Professor Bobbins. “For example, the infusion of Middle Eastern immigrants into France and the UK and the conflicts this has stirred up there can be interpreted thermodynamically. The immigrants’ heads store the excess heat from their native lands and disperse it in the cooler climates of Western Europe. That transfer of heat causes social chaos.”

The report has also been criticized for failing to take into account the counterexample of Australia. Australians are known for being friendly and laid back, and yet much of that continent is as hot as anywhere else on the planet.

The researchers credit this apparent discrepancy to Australia’s British heritage. Like Canada, modern Australia was colonized by the United Kingdom. The team theorized that abundant rain can function like snow in dissuading a population from wanting to go outdoors to kick up a mighty ruckus.

“The rain-soaked temperament of Brits was passed onto Australian culture, making Aussies as tranquil and bloodless as Canadians,” said Professor Bobbins.

“As for Russia,” she continued, “while it’s true that Russians have historically preferred authoritarian rulers and been as brutal as all get-out, as in their laying waste to the Nazis, it’s notable that the soviets saw their ideology as being especially rational, even scientific. The Nazis, too, looked to science to support their social Darwinian prejudices.

“Temperature is only one factor in determining a population’s passivity or aggression, not the only one,” she conceded. “But while European and North Asian forms of violence are couched in rational or pseudoscientific terms, those forms that break out in scorching-hot zones are chaotic or primitive, showing similarities to the sort of genetic tribalism we see in other species.

“This is because the sweltering heat shuts down the cerebral cortex, leaving mainly the older, emotional and reactionary parts of the brain to steer the ship—and to pick up the pieces when those primitive forms of thinking crash the ship into a cliff.”

The team’s research has also been criticized for being flat-out racist. Professor Bobbins said in response that she “doesn’t care about skin colour. It’s not about innate differences between people, since even an annoyingly-polite Canadian will start to act like a jihadist nut job if he’s forced to live for years in a desert. Like they say in real estate, it’s ‘location, location, location.’”

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Richard Dawkins to Open a Sustainable Fish and Chip Shop

Richard Dawkins to Open a Sustainable Fish and Chip Shop

OXFORD, ENGLAND – Richard Dawkins, professor emeritus and former chair of public understanding of science at Oxford University has announced plans to open a new fish and chip shop that aims to serve up a sustainable catch. Professor Dawkins explained:

Cod has been on the Marine Conversation Society’s endangered stocks list for many years now.
But, despite all of the evidence, traditional fish and chip shops have continued to ignore these warnings.
Those who believe we can simply continue to consume cod at our current rates are under a severe delusion!

Professor Dawkins continued:

However, at my fish and chip shop, we are proud to say that there is no cod.

Professor Dawkins rose to fame in the fishing industry in 1976 with the release of his book “The Shellfish Gene.” He further cemented his reputation as one of the sharkest thinkers in marine biology with his 1998 bestselling book “Unweaving the Rainbow Trout.”

However, he has been in the public eye most recently for his sharp criticism of religion. Alongside Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens and Daniel Dennett, Dawkins is referred to as one of the “four seahorses of the apocalypse.”

Professor Dawkins’s shop has come under attack from Christian groups. Stephen Green from Christian Voice accused the shop of failing to provide a sustainable alternative. Green explained:

It would be much more efficient for Dawkins to buy two loaves of bread and a few fish, and then divide them up until everybody had some.

 

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NASA Continues Search for Planets Where Government More Favorable to Funding Space Exploration

NASA Continues Search for Planets Where Government More Favorable to Funding Space Exploration

A panel of experts unveiled seven earth-sized planets only 235,145,014,927,344 miles from Earth (where we live), three of which may posses the proper conditions for Pokemon.

This is only the latest milestone in an ongoing search to identify alien governments that may be more willing to fund NASA’s budget than the U.S. government.

“It’s immensely exciting,” said Jane Kranston, an accountant at NASA:

“Ever since they cut funding for toilet seats, we’ve been incredibly motivated to diversify our funding across the Universe. Even the Multiverse if that’s what it takes. Just imagine that somewhere out there is a parallel Universe in which NASA has all its funding and we’ve already terraformed Saturn.”

With a budget that has dropped a staggering 96% since its peak in the 1960s, NASA now has to rely more on private space industry. But even this strategy is not without its detractors. Dean Shmumer, a White House advisor explains that budgets come down to dollars and cents:

“Consider the cost of one SpaceX flight to the ISS. We have to pay $133 million of taxpayer money for that. Meanwhile, we could send the President to Florida thirteen times for the same cost. How could we justify wasting Americans’ hard-earned money on a joyride into space?”

Meanwhile, Kranston and crew watch with anticipation to see what kind of civilizations might inhabit these other worlds:

“A big indication to us will be unorthodox gender roles,” she explains. “We’ve been told by some of our top scientists that there is a strong correlation between cultures in which gender roles are loosely defined and a willingness to fund mass exodus from a planet. If we can find a single dad doing dishes and expertly tracking his children’s developmental milestones on just one of these planets, then our chances of receiving the funding we need will increase exponentially.”

There is some concern about exchange rates between the U.S. dollar and various intergalactic coinages, credits, or whuffie. But Kranston and others at NASA are confident the American people will be ready to submit to new alien overlords and adopt a new currency if it means getting a few clearer pictures of the M81 galaxy.

For now, passionate NASA employees can only cling to the faith that a government somewhere out there is amicable to space exploration.

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Mosquitoes- The Mini-Mes Of Vampires

Mosquitoes- The Mini-Mes Of Vampires

Mosquitoes are evil little geniuses.

They are adept enough to fly up, whine in your ear, then take off laughing as you whip yourself in the head trying to swat them.

They know how to hold a victim in suspense as they flit about having the wiles to dodge the hand raised in self defense. Continue Reading

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Psychiatrists reach Opposite Conclusions about President Trump’s Mental Health

Psychiatrists reach Opposite Conclusions about President Trump’s Mental Health

Dateline: NEW YORK CITY—On Monday, Feb 15, the New York Times published a letter signed by 37 psychiatrists who expressed severe doubts about President Trump’s mental health.

Trump “appears to have had the fragile mind of a two-year old implanted into his 70 year-old brain,” said the psychiatrists. “Our expert medical opinion is that President Trump is off his rocker. More specifically, he’s fallen off his rocker, landed on the floor, rolled off the floor and out the front door, down the steps and down the mountain side, splashed into the ocean and sank into a volcano at the bottom of the sea.”

Thanks to the technological services of an anonymous group of hackers, 200 million Americans were able to simultaneously pipe their response to the letter directly into the bedrooms of all 37 psychiatrists. Transmitted at a deafening decibel, the response was, “No shit, Captain Obvious!”

Two days later, the NY Times published a letter signed by 37 different psychiatrists who reached the opposite conclusion, that Trump’s mental state is as healthy as anyone’s can be.

Curiously, both letters were signed by 20 men and 17 women. One of the male psychiatrists who signed the first letter is a little person, and one who signed the second is also a little person.

Three of the men who signed the first letter, and three of the different men who signed the second all have 9 inch-long scraggly beards that have the same mixed shades of brown and grey.

Two of the women who signed the first letter, and two of the different women who signed the second have had mastectomies.

This has led one physicist to blame the mirroring effect on spillover from other universes in the multiverse.

Another physicist, Eugene Nerdopolous, has posited what he calls the “Of Course Principle” to explain the puzzling phenomenon of professionals who cancel each other out in psychiatry and in several other sciences.

“To paraphrase Isaac Newton,” he says, “for every psychiatrist there’s an equal and opposite psychiatrist.

“And the same holds in any scientific field in which a lot of money is at stake for the scientist. If one blood spatter expert is willing to testify that the blood left at the crime scene was caused by a gruesome act of murder, of course another will testify that the red fluid isn’t blood at all, but raspberry filling from a squashed donut.”

The differences aren’t due merely to the ambiguity of the subject matter, which could allow for different rational interpretations. “It’s more a question of the world mocking our vain attempts to understand and control it. When 37 psychiatrists think anyone needs them to state the obvious about Trump, and then the universe throws up 37 equal and opposite psychiatrists, something’s having a laugh at our expense.”

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Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse

Donald Trump Proves Existence of the Multiverse

In a groundbreaking pronouncement, the International Forum of Theoretical Physicists today stated that Donald Trump’s election confirmed the existence of the multiverse.

At a press conference held at the National Academy of Sciences, Belinda Suarez, IFTP’s executive director, declared that our plane of existence is only one of an infinite number of universes with distinct histories, thereby putting an end to decades of debate in the scientific community.

When pressed about the connection between Trump and the multiverse, Suarez stated that the U.S. presidential election results struck the scientific community as such an astronomically improbable event that they inspired some of the world’s leading mathematicians and physicists to calculate their likelihood.

Given Trump’s flagrant contempt for women, blacks, Hispanics, the LGBTQ community, Muslims, immigrants, disabled persons, war heroes, and basic human decency, the scientists discovered that the odds of his election were so prodigiously minute that they proved we reside in the only universe in the infinite multiverse where this could have possibly taken place.

Suarez stated that, “When scientists previously theorized about the multiverse, they postulated that anything that could possibly happen actually did, only in an alternate timeline. In other words, there’s a universe where Germany won the Second World War, another where Kim Kardashian is Pope, and a third where people eat nothing but asparagus. In some universes, humans have arms growing out of their foreheads or tank treads instead of feet. Literally every possible scenario exists in a reality separate from our own. It therefore struck us that, somewhere in some other universes, scientists were discussing the preposterous assertion that the United States would elect Donald Trump president. It turns out we were right. And they laughed at us.”

When pressed about who exactly “laughed at us,” Suarez replied with, “We built a machine to communicate with the other universes, and most of them laughed at us. We also received quite a few condolences. Pope Kim the First wrote us a very heartfelt epistle. The asparagus universe’s scientists are working on a device to ship us a bouquet of conciliatory… well… asparagus. We tried to dissuade them, but they insisted.”

Apparently, several universes remarked on our terrible situation, including one where people eat their own feces for breakfast, another where giant praying mantises evolved to become our autocratic masters, and a third where the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse hold sway over a shattered hellscape. They all thanked their respective gods/demons/insect overlords that they did not reside in our reality.

Asked if any universes expressed joy at Trump’s election, Suarez paused and responded “Well, the universe where Donald Trump is Emperor of the Moon thought it was pretty great.”

Suarez concluded her briefing by addressing how the scientific community planned to utilize this amazing discovery. “We’re working on a machine to transport us into literally any other universe. I personally want to get the hell out of here, and I’m sure many of you feel the same.”

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“Leap Centimetre” To Be Added To The Length Of The Metre In 2017

“Leap Centimetre” To Be Added To The Length Of The Metre In 2017

The International Bureau of Weights and Measures in Paris today announced that a “leap centimetre” would be added to the length of the metre at midnight on 31st December 2016.

‘People are familiar with the time correction that occurs in leap years,’ explained the Bureau’s Director, Professeur de l’Horloge, to BBC News, ‘but many are less aware of the periodic corrections required for the other three space-time dimensions.’

‘Time and space came into existence 13.75 billion years ago with the Big Bang,’ explained Professor Brian Cox, barging past the elderly Professeur de l’Horloge at the sight of a TV camera. ‘Space and time have been expanding ever since. Many people incorrectly believe,’ continued Professor Cox, ‘that objects in the Universe are accelerating away from each other due to the explosion of the Big Bang – rather like shrapnel travelling away from the site of an exploding grenade. In fact, objects in the Universe stay relatively still. It is space-time, itself, that is expanding.

‘We add an extra day in leap years to compensate for the additional time that has appeared during the previous four years,’ continued Professor Cox. ‘We increase the length of the metre whenever space has expanded by one centimetre per metre.’

Health officials on both sides of the Atlantic have expressed relief at news of the recalibration of the metre. ‘There is a lot of space inside the human body,’ explained UK Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt, ‘and we now realise that much of the, so called, obesity epidemic has been due to the expansion of that space in accordance with Einstein’s and Hubble’s predictions. People simply appear to be getting fatter due to the expansion of the Universe. The recalibration will correct this.’

Slimming organisations, however, have expressed concern about the recalibration. ‘We expect it to result in a reduction of four dress sizes for a typical woman,’ admitted a spokesperson for Weight Watchers. ‘Mr Einstein’s and Mr Hubble’s interference could result in the closure of many slimming clubs due to members feeling satisfied with their new measurements.’

Bon viveurs have been heartened to learn that there are cosmological and quantum mechanical formulae that explain their paunches. Some now even sport tee-shirts proudly proclaiming these equations. I am really a slim participant in an expanding universe reads a slogan on a typical, extra large tee-shirt.

Homeowners have generally reacted positively to the change. ‘Now that my front room is larger,’ explained a typical UK householder, ‘I can fit a bigger TV in. Also, that extra floor space in the garage makes it much easier to park the car. The downside,’ he added ‘is that council tax rates are based on floor area, and my house has been put into a higher rating band as a result of its increase in size.’

‘There have been some complaints from homeowners,’ admitted UK Housing Minister, Gavin Barwell, ‘about council tax rate increases that have resulted from the Universe expanding, rather than from traditional property extensions. However,’ he continued, ‘in a recent High Court judgement, it was concluded that rateable values could be increased on those grounds. The judges reasoned that, although the extra floor area caused by the expansion of space-time was not the fault of the homeowner, that person still benefited from increased room sizes. It must also be remembered,’ he concluded, ‘that the self same cosmic phenomenon has given householders additional time to pay their bills.’

Businessmen and holiday makers have also noticed increased costs. ‘Due to the expansion of space,’ explained a spokeswoman for American Airlines, ‘it is now further to fly to destinations. For example,’ she clarified, ‘from America, flying east, Spain is where Italy used to be. That has led to increased fuel costs, and hence an increase in the price of tickets. ‘Also,’ she concluded, ‘we have had to serve additional in-flight meals.’

Another group thrown into confusion by the expansion of the universe has been traffic police. ‘We used to be able to raise thousands of pounds for the Traffic Officers’ Social Club by stalking innocent motorists and awaiting minor speed infringements,’ confessed a traffic police spokesman. ‘Now defence solicitors call astrophysicists as witnesses. They cast doubt upon any evidence related to distance or time – and hence speed. Indeed, only last week, Professor Brian Cox argued, in a case at Winchester Crown Court, that a drink driving offence should be dismissed due to uncertainties about true blood alcohol content following from the local effect of universal space-time expansion on the volume of the defendant’s veins. Nobody else knew enough maths to challenge him, and so his view prevailed.’

‘Most people benefit from the expansion of space-time,’ confirmed a spokesperson for the International Bureau of Weights and Measures. ‘We are able to enjoy everything from wider roads and bigger beaches, to improved sex lives for those who have believed a certain anatomical feature to be too short. There is also more time to get things done. ‘Finally,’ she concluded, ‘people worry about what will happen to us all when space has expanded to the point where, for example, the refrigerator in the kitchen might be miles away from the microwave. Rest assured that this will not happen for many millions of years.’

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Visual World To Revert To Black-and-White

Visual World To Revert To Black-and-White

Scientists have warned that our visual world will almost certainly revert to monochrome, or black-and-white, within the next five to ten years.

Those who have viewed photographs, films or television recordings made during the early or mid 20th century, will have seen the achromatic world in which people then lived. Those alive at the time will recall the gradual emergence of colour, from the late 1950s to the early 1970s, that finally led to the rainbow-hued spectrum with which we are now familiar. Continue Reading

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Tourists Flock to See Non-existent, Abstract Mathematical Concepts

Tourists Flock to See Non-existent, Abstract Mathematical Concepts

The Royal Observatory at Greenwich, England, today announced the opening to the public of two further lines of longitude.

For many years, the famous Zero or Prime Meridian at the Observatory had attracted increasing numbers of tourists, each wishing to be photographed whilst standing upon it.

Queues often stretched from the Observatory to the Thames, and in 2009 visits to the Meridian had to be restricted to those who purchased tickets in advance. Continue Reading

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Genetic history mapped: Trump full of Neanderthal DNA

Genetic history mapped: Trump full of Neanderthal DNA

Recently, scientists at the Howard Hughes Medical Institute at Harvard Medical School have analyzed DNA from prehistory, to discover large population shifts ranging from 45,000-7,000 years ago. Scientist David Reich concluded that these changes in prehistoric human populations directly correlate to the last Ice Age, which enabled prehistoric human migration to much of the northern world. And remnants of that ancient world can still be observed today. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Science, Science & Technologizzy, Top Stories2 Comments

End of the Gay Dinosaurs: Fox News Steals the March on Glossy News

End of the Gay Dinosaurs: Fox News Steals the March on Glossy News

What do Fox News folks think about homosexuality and the end of the dinosaurs? Will male-on-male love bring about the end of the human species, just as it ended the reign of the dinosaurs?

Bill O’Reilly

Well, who’s to say? I don’t know. Maybe they just got gay-feminist-transdarwinist-cultural-marxist-crony-socialist-union-thug-gun-hating-dino-flu.

I mean, hell, I’m just throwing that one out there! I never said I had all the answers.

Glenn Beck

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Sam Harris Drives Dinosaurs out of the Schools

Sam Harris Drives Dinosaurs out of the Schools

Prominent atheist and achingly non-woolly intellectual figure Sam Harris has persuaded some Democratic Senators to try to stop The Flintstones from being shown in science classes.

Not only that. Teachers used to allocate some general class time just before vacation to watch such cartoons, to help the kids wind down. But they can’t even do that now. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Science0 Comments

Long Lost Photo Reveals Titanic Hit a Wahlberg

Long Lost Photo Reveals Titanic Hit a Wahlberg

NEW YORK CITY – A shocking revelation was made this week when a photograph uncovered in the corner of a dusty attic changed the history behind a catastrophic event that took place on the night of April 14th into the morning of April 15th in 1912.

For more than 103 years, it was common knowledge that the large vessel carrying 2,224 passengers and crew had collided with a large iceberg approximately 375 miles (600 km) south of Newfoundland, causing the ship’s hull plates to buckle inwards along the starboard side and allowing water to flow in gradually from the Atlantic Ocean. Continue Reading

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Conspiracy Theorist Denies Olive Oil is Extra Virgin

Conspiracy Theorist Denies Olive Oil is Extra Virgin

NEW YORK – Guido da Vinci had always wondered how there could so much extra virgin olive oil in supermarkets across the world.

“I mean wherever I went in the world, I could find extra virgin olive oil. A lot of it. Finally, I thought: how could this be?”

“So I did some research on the internet. And I found that more than two-thirds of olive oil that is labeled as extra virgin isn’t really extra virgin. Some of it may be virgin, but lots of it isn’t virgin at all!” Continue Reading

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New Study Shows Small Men Prefer Big Trucks

New Study Shows Small Men Prefer Big Trucks

The Size of One’s Vehicle is Directly Proportional to the Size of Genitalia

A new study conducted by the National Research Panel has concluded that men who drive large trucks, SUVs, and automobiles have smaller genitalia than men who drive small to medium sized vehicles.

The study, conducted on 350 males nationwide, lasted for three months. For the purpose of the study, the national average genitalia scaled in at 5 1/2 inches. Continue Reading

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Spectacular Creationist Breakthrough: World Much Older Than We All Thought

Spectacular Creationist Breakthrough: World Much Older Than We All Thought

Entirely Non-Superfluous Disclaimer

Sorry to be reworking a previous piece from TheSpoof.com here. I mean, it’s not that I’m running out of ideas…

But I’ve already got so much tedious crapola in my hatebox from the “Labour Leak” article, that I’m playing it safe…

With a completely respectful, mainstream, non-edgy piece that is LITERALLY 100% INCAPABLE of offending anybody. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Science1 Comment

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