Jack Black Shows Off New Investment at Furry Convention

SANTA MONICA, CA – Although it’s been quite some time since we last saw Jack Black in a memorable Hollywood role, it doesn’t mean the popular actor, comedian, cat lover, producer and singer hasn’t kept busy.

Indeed, just this past weekend, Black was in the public eye attending the Furry Convention on the world-famous Santa Monica Pier, overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

Crazed maniacs dressed in animal-like costumes from all over the world attended the fuzzy-themed show that has been held annually since 1992, but Black had a special reason for being there, to announce his recent investment in the popular entertainment website – It’s A Cat, Just So You Know, Entertainment (www.itsacatentertainment.com). Read more Jack Black Shows Off New Investment at Furry Convention

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Crack Bagans? Ghost Stalker Pushes Beloved Mask, Ford Ranger Off Cliff

MOUNT CHARLESTON, NV – Only hours before the series finale of his newest show Deadly Possessions was set to air, ghost hunting guru Zak Bagans could be found about 50 miles northwest of his Las Vegas museum; committing an act so unbaganslike that officials assume he was either under the influence of a mind altering substance or possessed by one of the spirits he has been molesting for so long.

Standing on the edge of a peak known as Masking Heights, elevated 9,281 feet above a rocky gorge, Bagans first tossed his beloved air mask over the edge before pushing his iconic, red 2012 Ford Ranger over and watching them both fall to their certain deaths.

In addition to the drug and possession theories, many have speculated that Bagans may be under an enormous amount of stress after a dismal first season in which he fulfilled his lifelong dream of opening a museum in downtown Las Vegas, filled with haunted and cursed objects he has collected through the years. The sixth episode in the first season is set to air on the Travel Channel tonight at 9:00pm est featuring objects that belonged to the deadly Dr. Jack Kevorkian and the late actress, Natalie Wood.

“The sheer hatred he showed towards that mask when throwing and then watching it fall to a horrible death… I’ve never seen that kind of sheer hatred before,” said park ranger, Jared Bulgovich, the sole witness of the ghastly act that has the ghost community shaken. “Everyone round these parts knows Mr. Bagans loves his air mask and is as shocked as I am!” Bulgovich added.

The co-host of the popular paranormal show Ghost Adventures, which has been on the air for 12 seasons, frequently gets criticized by viewers for over-wearing a protective mask with the intention of cleansing the air he breathes. Certain situations, such as cave and old basement investigations, require the use of such a device; but when Bagans began wearing his mask all the time, questions immediately arose. Since then, he has interrupted a wedding to proclaim love to his mask and even a performance of the musical Cats, further progressing his maskness.

While the previous events seemed to be a mere infatuation of a man in love with a poly bi-carbonate plastic mold, the most recent event tells a tale of a man in need of some serious help.

No charges have been filed yet as Bagans has received comfort from close friends, relatives and the many spirits he has connected with over the years.

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Clinton, Sanders Point Fingers Over Lousy Park Job

FLINT, MI – Following a heated debate Sunday evening in which Senator Bernie Sanders and former First Lady Hillary Clinton took opposite sides on a number of pressing issues, the pair got into another argument on Monday afternoon over a much less serious issue. While following the Democratic Code of Conduct in which the pair has agreed to carpool on the debate trail, both Presidential hopefuls were again at odds, this time over who was responsible for a terrible park job in a residential shopping mall.

“When you’re white, you don’t know what it’s like to be living in a ghetto,” Sanders responded when accused of parking the tiny, two-door black Acura in four spots at once by an enraged Clinton who pointed her finger upwards at the taller 5’8” Sanders. “Again, you have settled on a poor choice of words. I have never driven a car to the best of my knowledge,” an insistent Clinton fired back, while holding a set of car keys in her right hand.

The Flint debate was the first since the South Carolina primary, when Mrs. Clinton began to open up a commanding lead over Mr. Sanders in the race for the 2,383 delegates needed to clinch the Democratic nomination. On Sunday night, she sought to protect her edge with African-Americans, who have helped her more than any other constituency.

It is no secret that Sanders feels the nomination is slipping away and may have planned the bad park job in an effort to sabotage his competitor in the race to the White House. However, this could not be confirmed as shortly after the argument Clinton and Sanders joined forces for a haircut at the local Great Clips prior to their next stop in Detroit. Fortunately for the duo, Flint is currently experiencing a water pollution crisis and the only witness to the mispark was It’s A Cat, Just So You Know, Entertainment’s Reporter, Alfredo Loafcia, who was in town investigating an Oprah Winfrey sighting at the local Olive Garden.

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Zak Bagans Interrupts Wedding to Proclaim Love to Air Mask

Las Vegas, Nevada – Only hours before the newest episode of the long-running spook catching show, Ghost Adventures, was set to air on Saturday, the leading paranormal expert, Zak Bagans, made an announcement that he described afterwards as a “ghost he needed to get out of his closet.” The message that Bagans conveyed, his love for an air mask that was given to him as a child, came at the worst possible time for Dave Cornbeif and Natalie Muphin, who were only minutes away from being legally married at the time. Read more Zak Bagans Interrupts Wedding to Proclaim Love to Air Mask

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Til Death Hairdo Us Part: Trump’s Hair Speaks at Condom Conference

Warren, Michigan – Donald Trump’s body may no longer be a living entity, but his hair, a combination of locks, tresses and curls, continues to carry on the great legacy of the man who will forever be known as the front-runner of the 2016 presidential election until he succumbed to death in a game of Battleship against Nancy Pelosi last week. Trump’s hair most recently spoke at the Chris Christie Condom Conference held on Friday afternoon that was sponsored by Republican Chris Christie’s presidential campaign. Trump and Christie, competitors in the upcoming election, remained close friends and were together at the time of his passing.

“Donald was always a fan of safe sex,” Trump’s hair stated as it magically floated like a butterfly on the stage at the popular Riverside Theater on Elm Street. Regarded as “Mr. Trump,” the hair has continued to run business as usual, following in the footsteps of its longtime host and owner. “He had the same answer for ISIS as he did for keeping sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) at bay. Put a highly durable latex coating over it,” Mr. Trump added, while pointing to a poster on the wall behind him containing the fifty shades of great condoms. Read more Til Death Hairdo Us Part: Trump’s Hair Speaks at Condom Conference

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Donald Trump Dead

WASHINGTON, DC – Nancy Pelosi delivered a devastating blow to the Republican Party Monday afternoon by defeating leading Presidential candidate, Donald Trump, in a fierce game of Battleship that ended with Pelosi sinking Trump’s aircraft carrier. With a call of C-8, an overshadowing Pelosi gazed directly into the eyes of the man who has disrupted the lives of all other politicians since his campaign was officially launched on June 16, 2015.

“Back off Warchild, seriously.” Pelosi quoted Bodhi from her favorite movie Point Break that was recently remade and released on Christmas Day. However, Pelosi favors the original film that was released in 1991 and stars Hollywood hot-shot, Keanu Reeves and the late Patrick Swayze.

“Oh, that Patrick,” Pelosi gently murmured to reporters from the chair in which she killed the American business magnate whose hair was styled in the shape of a rabid cat to scare his opponent. “This was a battle won at the hands of Milton Bradley for the American People. We have rid the Presidential pool of Donald Trump!” Pelosi violently shouted with a continuous surge in energy, finishing her short speech standing up in her chair. Read more Donald Trump Dead

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Weird Al Sings Love-Lorne Rhapsody

NEW YORK CITY – Weird Al Yankovic is respected worldwide for his funny and sometimes daring song parodies.

The singer has been going strong for over 35 years, but it appears as if he ran into a bit of trouble earlier this month as he tried to talk his way into performing on Saturday Night Live.

In what some people may believe is an absolute travesty, Weird Al has never once been invited to be on SNL. Read more Weird Al Sings Love-Lorne Rhapsody

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Bruce Jenner Debuts New Film Along with Name

NEW YORK CITY – The world received a double dose of Caitlyn Jenner on Monday as the American culture, fashion and politics magazine, Vanity Fair, released their upcoming cover with Caitlyn sitting on a stool and the man-turned-woman also announced participation in an upcoming feature remake being released later in the year. Read more Bruce Jenner Debuts New Film Along with Name

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Long Lost Photo Reveals Titanic Hit a Wahlberg

NEW YORK CITY – A shocking revelation was made this week when a photograph uncovered in the corner of a dusty attic changed the history behind a catastrophic event that took place on the night of April 14th into the morning of April 15th in 1912.

For more than 103 years, it was common knowledge that the large vessel carrying 2,224 passengers and crew had collided with a large iceberg approximately 375 miles (600 km) south of Newfoundland, causing the ship’s hull plates to buckle inwards along the starboard side and allowing water to flow in gradually from the Atlantic Ocean. Read more Long Lost Photo Reveals Titanic Hit a Wahlberg

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With Tom Brady Suspension Looming, Patriots Introduce New QB

Foxborough, Massachusetts – Only hours after the NFL suspended two-time MVP quarterback, Tom Brady, for the first four games of the 2015 season, New England Patriots owner, Robert Kraft and head coach, Bill Belichick, announced the signing of the player taking Brady’s place for the first month of the season. Read more With Tom Brady Suspension Looming, Patriots Introduce New QB

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Brains Donate NFL Players to Science

Chicago, Illinois – As the 2015 NFL draft is set to begin tonight at 8pm (est), the scientific community added to the excitement with a groundbreaking announcement last night that the brains of current and former NFL players, Michael Vick and Terrell Owens, are donating their bodies for scientific research. The Brain Injury Association of America, based in Vienna, Virginia released the news during a charity event held annually as part of pre-draft traditions.

“This is a historic day for the National Football League and the Brain Injury Association!” The Association’s CEO, Susan H. Connors said. “Today, we have the brains of our players making the generous decision to donate their host bodies to science for the purpose of expanding our knowledge of how these erratic, yet affluent creatures work,” Connors added, while gently patting the cerebral hemispheres of Michael Vick’s cerebrum just after it removed itself from Michael Vick’s cranium. Read more Brains Donate NFL Players to Science

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Decidophobic Man Unable to Dismiss Completed Calendar Task Involving Ex-Girlfriend

Wilbur, Kansas – 29-year-old Marketing Manager, Larry Rossgarden, has considered himself to be a procrastinator since his college days at the University of Kansas, where he would consistently delay writing papers and studying for exams until literally minutes before they were due or set to occur.

Since then, his bad habit has gotten him kicked out of school, fired from 23 different jobs and resulted in the termination of a longstanding relationship with his college sweetheart, Lisa Janks. Read more Decidophobic Man Unable to Dismiss Completed Calendar Task Involving Ex-Girlfriend

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New Dog Treat Introduced in Honor of Ghostbusters Reboot

St. Louis, Missouri – As the newest Ghostbusters film comes closer to fruition, more and more companies are releasing products that, in thought, will appeal to the everyday consumer who doubles as a Ghostbusterian.

The latest household name to join in on the ghost hunt? The Nestlé Purina PetCare Company with an innovative treat, featuring a new take on their original Beggin’ Strips that have gone unchanged since they debuted in 1993.

The new product, known as Bagans Strips, are still catered towards dogs and are named after the late TV star and former host of the Travel Channel series, Ghost Adventurers, Zak Bagans. Read more New Dog Treat Introduced in Honor of Ghostbusters Reboot

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Skier Gets Tongue Stuck on Ice Cube

Los Angeles, California – Hundreds of skiers, snowboarders and snow tubers celebrated the grand opening of Mount Thang, located in the eastern side of the city this past weekend.

In addition to celebrating Los Angeles’ first snow sighting since a light dusting fell in Malibu back in 2007, all attending guests had the opportunity to chat with celebrities, including the mountain’s popular owner, O’Shea Jackson, Sr., better known by his stage name, Ice Cube. Read more Skier Gets Tongue Stuck on Ice Cube

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Kanye West is a Breadophile: Horrifying Truth Comes Out at the Grammys

Los Angeles, California – Underfilled baskets, uncooked breadsticks and inappropriate butterings. These were the truths revealed by rapper, Kanye West, this past Sunday at the 57th Annual Grammy Awards in the Staples Center.

The man who crashed Taylor Swift’s award reception at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards arrived in a stretch limo and entered the building with a guest he introduced as Kim Karbatchian. Read more Kanye West is a Breadophile: Horrifying Truth Comes Out at the Grammys

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Tom Brady: “My Balls Were Deflated”

Milford, Connecticut – After weeks of controversy against Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots for whether they intentionally let air out of game balls, Tom Brady finally stepped forward in an interview on the Dan Patrick Show last night and stated “Yes, my balls were deflated,” during Patrick’s famous Truth or Fair segment.

According to Brady, the New England Patriots staff started deflating his balls prior to each game to make them easier for the team’s running backs to hold onto and for receivers to catch. Read more Tom Brady: “My Balls Were Deflated”

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Did I Bake That? Jaleel White Reprises Role in Upcoming Sequel

Burbank, California – The Olive Garden is rising from the grave in the newest sitcom premiering in March on Fox from Executive Producer, Tyler Perry.

The new show, Family Platters, is a sequel to the 90s hit, Family Matters, that ran for 9 seasons and 215 episodes between 1989 and 1998.

“It’s exciting!” Said Reginald VelJohnson, who is ecstatic to reprise his role as Carl Winslow.

“The whole cast really became close on the set of the original show and after getting the call from Tyler Perry that we were going to be filming a Tyler Perry reproduction of a Tyler Perry production, we all had smiles on our faces,” VelJohnson added. Read more Did I Bake That? Jaleel White Reprises Role in Upcoming Sequel

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Scott Stapp Forced to Sell Beloved Olive Garden Memorabilia

Orlando, Florida – Following a costly divorce, ongoing drug addiction and malicious hacker attacks to his bank accounts, Creed’s lead singer, Scott Stapp, who was once worth as much as 30 million dollars, is now flat broke and homeless.

Stapp’s money woes are so bad that he has been forced to liquidate antiques, memorabilia and treasured mementoes to avoid bankruptcy. These items include a signed copy of Britney Spears’ 1999 Rolling Stone Magazine cover, the bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey he drank from in a 2003 suicide attempt and his most prized possession, a plaque containing two breadsticks from Olive Garden’s very first batch, baked on February 4, 1982. Read more Scott Stapp Forced to Sell Beloved Olive Garden Memorabilia

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