Archive | Religionism

Belfast Residents Finally Break Silence on 12th of July Nick Minaj Insult

Belfast Residents Finally Break Silence on 12th of July Nick Minaj Insult

Belfast residents have finally made their feelings known (as people up North undoubtedly do best) regarding a little-known sectarian atrocity from the most recent 12th of July…

When a loyalist flute band surrounded a Catholic youth club and started playing Nicki Minaj (!)

An official apology stated:

It was not actually our intention™ to play that there song, but us can appreciate that the young people might’ee thought we did. Our original intention was to play Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love,” because we wanted to make a good cross-community gesture™; I mean, everybody loves Beyoncé; that’s not a Prod or a Catholic thing, aye? Continue Reading


Posted in Crime, Music, Religionism0 Comments

Wahhabis, Southern Baptists Ban Side-boob; Episcopalians Undecided

Wahhabis, Southern Baptists Ban Side-boob; Episcopalians Undecided

Love ‘em or hate ‘em; but like death, taxes, and embarrassingly contrived and preposterous MSNBC op-eds, side-boobs are here to stay.

Yup: never mind bitterly warring and counter-warring and counter-counter-counter-owch-a-doodle-warring Social Justice Warriors on Tumblr; or Hamilton Nolan’s online privilege Olympics on Gawker.

Nah! There is only one web phenomenon sexually frustrated late-teenage and early-adult web users just can’t get enough of… side-boob.

But not everybody is down with the latest web phenomenon. For one, a fatwa from prominent Wahhabi cleric and respected intercultural communicator Patrick “Ginger” McCarthy Goodman Ibn Taymiyya, informs us:

“No good woman would even contemplate indulging in such an ungodly and depraved practice. I mean, look at my wife… well, actually you’d bloody well better NOT! Or I’ll stone the living crap out of you and everyone you know; whether known carnally or by mere pious acquaintance! … Anyway, MY wife would NEVER do that.”

Unfortunately, as regards the oh-so maliciously quote-mined fatwa above, 500 million Tumblr followers (nightly rising) (SIC!) disagree with his most exalted godliness’s statement … well, at least the bit about his wife, anyway.

(Thanks to my anonymous source, Brian K. White from Glossynews, for at least one small part of the information given above).

And the Southern Baptist Convention have shown some inter-Abrahamic solidarity, thus honoring Professor Emeritus Pat Buchanan’s famous historical hypothesis of a common Judeo-Christian-Islamic civilization stretching right from Ancient Greece and 18th century America up to the entire 7th century Middle East (and counting), with the following words:

“This one time, the Wahhabis are right. Side-boob is wicked. The Apostle tells us the Devil and wicked people are always inventing new things. You know, like microwave ovens, depraved faith-based pseudo-scientific superstitions like Darwinianism and vaccine science, wind energy (how the hell can a mere breeze provide enough energy to power a TV? You’ve got to be kidding me? They just turn the sound off to save power or what?)”

(As we live in an increasingly litigious society, I should probably point out that when I said the Southern Baptist Convention, I ACTUALLY meant the Southern Baptist Convention of Topeka, Kansas; sorry if anyone got confused and worried, and started anxiously fiddling with the crotch of their lawyer).

Still, Episcopalians are currently lacking consensus on this crucial and all-important issue™. One Despairing-True-Believer-Who Has-Had-it-up-to-Here-With-Liberal-Compromises™ educated me as follows:

Look, when they started having women priests, I thought nothing of it; well, not much; within reason, you known. Just went and smashed up a few phone boxes… well, and the odd hobo or two… well, within reason. And… gay priests? I could just about put up with it… well, with a wee bit of anger management, hours upon hours of tantric yoga mutual circle-jerking, and inevitably, popping a crapload of barbiturates 24/7.

But side-boob? This is the absolute Devil’s work, and no-one in our church has condemned it! I mean, there’s no way in hell I can stay in such a cesspool of unadulterated ecclesiastical depravity™ a moment longer!…

Actually, do you know any religions I could join which make a principled stand against side-boob?… Scientology, maybe? I hear these guys have an opinion about absolutely everything; and they don’t just bend over, kneel down, turn around and change their minds whenever someone contradicts them! Well,if THAT’S so, then they must REALLY know the truth!

On the other hand, one female priest told me:

This debate is getting way out of proportion. Most Christian authorities have opposed homosexuality and abortion, until relatively recently; the majority probably still do. And so you get dogmatically entrenched and violent fanatics on either side quoting verses and authorities to each other, roaring and screaming and attempting to prove who has The Absolute Truth™ and What The Supreme Authority ACTUALLY meant™; kinda like World of Warcraft web forums, huh?

Well, the sole exception is those Pentecostal snake-charmers, who don’t cite the Bible, but shove their ‘Private Revelations from the Lord™’ in my face. I mean, those jerks are just pretentious, self-important losers who annoy the hell out of me.

I mean, I don’t know why anyone, at any point in history, would choose to follow some devious charlatan who claimed God was speaking to THEM PERSONALLY. I mean, seriously? You’ve got to be kidding me!

BUT… as distinguished from homosexuality and abortion, there is NOTHING… absolutely NOTHING in the Bible about side-boob. I mean, I know us people on the Left Wing of the Church always say that… but this time, I REALLY mean it!™

Hmm… what do I think? Well, I can imagine an all-knowing Creator of the Universe having an opinion on war; abortion (perhaps particularly with regards to sex-selective, racially selective, disability-selective etc)… the persistence of deeply-ingrained social prejudices; narcotic abuse; not to mention selfish men who can’t keep their dick in their pants, and who decide to cut and run when their girlfriend becomes pregnant…

But when it comes to side-boob, I think he’s got better things to worry about. I mean, I think some of these guys are over-thinking these things. But then, what the Hell would I know?…

Hey, quit it! Didn’t I tell you to stop touching that lawyer!


Posted in Religionism, Strange People0 Comments

God Finds Message from All Humanity in Cucumber, Fanatics Outraged

God Finds Message from All Humanity in Cucumber, Fanatics Outraged

It’s often asserted that messages from God can appear in mysterious places…

You know, the Madonna popping up in cheese sandwiches, Lady Gaga helping us see the light, Bible/Quran/Dianetics texts being found in the veins of tomatoes…

Although admittedly, the more fastidious believers tend to have violently assertive theological disagreements™ about which God is sending out the messages..

And, needless to say, about which messages (on the contrary) are forgeries by misguided and unenlightened rival believers™.

However, the other day, the roles were reversed. When slicing up a cucumber for a nice, pleasant Eternal-Sunday Lunch, God was at first shocked, and then intrigued, to see a message from All Humanity, cunningly concealed within the vegetable.

The message reads as follows:

Some of us have just had it up to here with some of your followers. We don’t mind people following you, but there is a hardcore contingent of your people who are really messing things up for us. Please would you just get these people off our backs?

At first, God was wary of this:

My first thought was, hmmmm…. A message from All Humanity concealed within a cucumber? That’s ridiculous. It must be a coincidence. Am I risking falling into confirmation bias, or something? I was pretty sceptical about it; you know, an omniscient being can’t merely accept just anything as true, merely because it sounds plausible.

So… the three of us (well, technically speaking, the one of us ) conferred together, and we were sceptical at first. But in the end, We agreed to make a statement clarifying My position.

Well, we wish to make it clear that anyone who wishes to follow Us is free to do so. Anyone who doesn’t, should be left alone. I am The Truth, and I actually value integrity and honesty from the individuals who are of my own Creation, rather than blind subservience.

However, a Joint Solidarity Statement, signed by various Megachurch Pastors, Ayatollahs, Hardcore Catholics, Ultra-Orthodox Jews, Hindutva Fundamentalists, and various assorted Circle-Jerking True Believers™ informs us:

“This is self-evidently a fake. You shouldn’t believe everything you hear about God, just because the person speaking is somehow slick and genial; or even because he threatens you with eternal hellfire if you don’t believe him.”

Well… can’t argue with you there. Still, I just wish everybody in this world knew that.


Posted in Religionism0 Comments

Rep/Dem Hawks Approve “Moderate Islamist” Manifesto

Rep/Dem Hawks Approve “Moderate Islamist” Manifesto

Frustrated by what they perceive to be the dogmatism both of liberal or secular Muslims on the one hand, and hardcore political Islamists on the other, various factions of moderate political Islamism™ have released a joint solidarity statement.

The statement has met with widespread acclaim among UK Trotskyites, as well as moderate political Islamists themselves,..

Well, the latter are happy that a certain proportion of the Left are continuing to show solidarity in their eternal struggle against the public/private distinction, capitalism, and individual liberty.

Signatories (so far) include Erdogan and his party, the moderate dissidents in Syria, George Galloway’s Respect Party, and the Moderate Taliban™ (remember these guys?)

The statement runs as follows:

1. Islam is the only foundation of the state. No other political or religious ideologies may be permitted to exist within a moderate political Islamist state. This is absolutely non-negotiable, and anyone who raises the slightest objection is to be immediately liquidated, in the most brutal and savage manner possible.

2. Secular and liberal Muslims claim that gay people should be free from police persecution, and should have a wide array of civil liberties. God forbid! On the other hand, hardcore political Islamists wish to behead and stone homosexuals. This is also unacceptable.

A moderate political Islamist state will avoid both extremes, and merely give all homosexuals a life sentence, and ensure that none of their family members may attend university, or be permitted to serve in any political, police or military function.

3. Secular and liberal Muslims claim that what a woman does with her own vagina is her own damn business. God forbid! On the other hand, hardcore political Islamists wish to execute unchaste women in the most horrendous manner possible. This is also unacceptable.

A moderate political Islamist state will avoid both extremes, and merely beat these women in public, so that they will be forced to reflect on their depravity. Yet, offenders who repeatedly refuse to turn from the errors of their ways will be given a life sentence. (Please note how we are more lenient on our women than on homosexuals; women have tender feelings, and we must pity those who go astray).

4. Secular and liberal Muslims claim that full religious toleration and equality must be provided to Jews, Christians, and all the even more small and insignificant religious minorities, who are not worth mentioning here, and who in any case are not mentioned in the Quran. God forbid! On the other hand, hardcore political Islamists wish to liquidate anyone who does not accept Islam. This is also unacceptable.

A moderate political Islamist state will avoid both extremes, and thus we will permit non-Muslims to survive, provided they pay the jizya, and refrain from criticising Islam or committing any form of blasphemy whatsoever. Those who do presume to do so will be liquidated; but anyone who respects Islam may live. We must also ensure that those who do not convert to Islam are prevented from attaining high positions in the government, media, academic, police or military spheres.

Top Democratic and Republican warhawks are impressed with this statement. One Saviour of Our Common Humanity™ from one of the two main parties or other told me:

“You know, this is what we were hoping for all along. Now that we know who the real moderate defenders of freedom and liberty are, we can keep on fighting the REAL terrorists, like ISIS.”

And some guy from that other stupid party, whatever it’s called, said:

“Well, this will buy us a bit of time. We can approve this statement in public first; then, once we have dealt with ISIS, we can turn on the moderate political Islamists; you know, like we did with the Taliban and Saddam.”

Finally, Robert Fisk was unavailable for comment, as he was writing a tearful Tumblr post about the sad, sad, weepy world in which we live, and why can’t we all just live together in love and peace and acceptance.


Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

“Patronising Liberal Pastor” Calls Jesus “Inspiring”

“Patronising Liberal Pastor” Calls Jesus “Inspiring”

Last time, I reminded you how much a certain kind of patronising crap about “inspirational” underdogs and under-non-dogs is now big business.

Well, now it’s even infected kinda-normal-and-sensible-within-reason religious circles™.

That’s right; worshipers at a somewhat moderate/mainline Church™ in Colorado Springs (no, not Brother Ted’s church, we’re talking one with an monthly income that is only in the mere hundreds of thousands)…

Yes, worshipers were absolutely horrified to hear a shocking sermon from their new flaming hippy, pinko liberal compromisin’ pastor™.

Well; if ever anyone in our world has even been an inspiration to the weak, the disenfranchised, the suffering; it was, and is, and always will be, Jesus Christ…. I mean, he was the ultimate subaltern figure… despised and rejected, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief…. You know, we’re talking wayyy beyond Charlie Sheen level here.

And Jesus, our inspiration, wants us all to follow his lead. Let us all be inspired by this man, for he is the most inspiring of all. Peace be upon him. We should all be respectful People of the Book; in the spirit of Christian tolerance, let us feel unashamed, un-insulted and entirely unpatronised and un-condescended-to, in our bearing such a noble title…

Yes, People of the Book, a beautiful name, unilaterally and benevolently bestowed on us by those I deem to be our Brothers in Christ and in general Abrahamicnesses…

I now cite the Call to Prayer: Come to Prayer, come to success… be inspirational, in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Quite understandably, worshippers were less than impressed with this pretty-damn-cheap-soundin’ imitation of sub-sub-standard cable-TV-sensationalism. One disgruntled former church member™ told me:

Ok, first of all, the sermon lasted well under 50 minutes; talk about being sold short! I wanted value for money; just this for $900 in the collection plate a week? You know, I’m a retired school teacher… I mean, this shit should be golden; just can’t give out this stuff for free, unless I get my money’s worth!

And, by the way, this is the most condescending idiocy I’ve ever heard since the Galatians that the Apostle Paul wrote about were messing about with backward Judaising MSM Zionist tomfoolery!

You know, Jesus called out the Pharisees at the risk of his very life, kinda like Mitt Romney at the Iowa convention (except Jesus wasn’t a Mormon, OBVIOUSLY); he told his enemies they were on the Highway to Hell if they didn’t shape up; he founded the “Occupy the House of God” campaign and turned the tables on the 1%er money changers; he even courageously descended into Hell and laid some serious WWE smackdown on His Satanic Majesty!

I mean, what’s all this about this liberal, gentle, meek-and-mild Jesus?™ Jesus was a fighter, a true warrior of God; he wasn’t afraid of anything or anyone. All this freaking pussy Democrat sentimentality about “inspiring Jesus…” It just makes me sick!

What next? I suppose this fake pastor is gonna tell me about his own secret confidential revelation from the Almighty™ that Jesus ran a free-range cat shelter, wore hippy-dippy flower-power Jesus sandals, and had his own socialist left-wing organic vegetable farm co-operative?

Or maybe he’s gonna tell me God is a liberal? Jesus was a Democrat? The apostles were Communist Revolutionaries? Uh-uh! You know, I am pretty sure God is FAIRLY right-leaning; well, you know, within reason.

It just reminds me of this trash on cheap low-subscription television networks about oh-so-INSPIRINGLY incontinent kids who, like, all of a sudden start talking at 6 years old…

Or about currently successful-ish and equally “inspiring” semi-millionaire businesswomen who were told they would never be able to leave the comfort of their own four walls without medical assistance!

You know, these liberal seminaries and pastors have a lot to answer for! This was what pushed me over the edge into atheism. I had a few doubts before, but this crappy liberal candyfloss pastor has just ruined everything, at long last!… Never mind all his Darwinian idiocy, it’s all his crap about gushy-wushy inspiring figures that finally turned me!

Oh and by the way, while we’re at it… what in the hell does “subaltern” mean? This is what I mean about crappy, pretentious university-trained pastors talking above us! That’s what comes of these professional pseudo-intellectual theological curricula; should’ve stuck with good old King James 1611!

Yup, you can tell him that to his face! Go on, bite me! He is literally worse than Hitler… sorry, really understated that; I mean, he’s literally worse than John Shelby Spong!

And why in the Hell was he quoting the Catholic “Call to prayer,” huh? What’s next? Baptism equality? He’s gonna start gay-baptising Christian gays? How about leather-clad lesbian worship music for all them there other kinda Christian gays? Seriously!

Fair enough. I came back to his most exalted preachiness with this helpful feedback:

“Shit! You’re friggin’ kidding me! This stupid ass-hat actually said that? This flaming hell-bound bastard clearly has some pretty damn freaky issues goin’ on! To hell with that crap!”

Hmm… not so meek and mild after all then?…


Posted in Religionism0 Comments

God: “Stephen Hawking does not exist”

God: “Stephen Hawking does not exist”

DATELINE: HEAVEN – In response to Dr. Stephen Hawking’s confirmation of his atheism this week, the Christian deity and almighty creator Yahweh announced that the universe’s existence could be explained without the need for a Stephen Hawking.

“Following peer-reviewed religious principles and dogma, it is clear to me that the possibility of a Stephen Hawking existing is much less than remotely plausible. Religion offers a much more convincing explanation for the origins of the universe and, quite frankly, the existence of a Stephen Hawking simply is not compatible with My miracles.” Continue Reading


Posted in Religionism, Society3 Comments

Perry/Santorum Article: Non-apology, Disclaimer, Invitation

Perry/Santorum Article: Non-apology, Disclaimer, Invitation

Santorum “living a lie all these years?”

This quotation, straight from the consummately straight-talking lips of Santorum himself, has somehow angered a crapload of irritable and highly-strung socialists™ who (charitably calculated) have only half-read my article on Rick Perry receiving a well-deserved Papal award, and Rick Santorum being passed over.

Yup; some miscellaneous and contemptible heap of predictably-uninformed-and-careless, ubiqituously-raging-web-cruisers are already quoting the foregoing quotation out of context.

Well, this is possibly not entirely unrelated to the fact that they couldn’t bring themselves to read the whole article; nor, indeed, the “THIS IS SATIRE, DAMMIT!!!” disclaimer.

No, wait; this never actually happens on this website! Hmmm…

Still, Santorum was merely talking about being a Catholic. That’s the context. You people do understand context, right? Well, I hope… ok, I’m being pretty generous here.

Still, ignore the haters, Rick… and ignore the fact that all those clearly unprincipled (as always) non-supporters of yours don’t understand the difference between satire and “factual” journalism.

Yup, let it go. Just let it go. You know, there there’s a hell of a lot of issues to let go of and just not give a crap about in this life; and this is certainly one of them.

Although it’s certainly not the only one; there are plenty of others; even ones which occupy the minds of politicians motivated to ensure a fair and just society, but who are going about it in a pretty misguided and harmful manner… hint-hint.

Still, I mean, if the “fact/satire” distinction bothers them (roll over, Davie Hume!), they should read some objective and reliable output from one of the myriad objective, reliable (and by the way, purely factual) news outlets in the USA…

You know, like our painfully ubiquitous/achingly conspicuous Fox/MSNBC rivals and haters.
Anyway, whatever happens, I still love you, Rick.

Well, especially with that pretty-damn-hot-stuff sweater you’ve been wearing. If I hadn’t been feeling so unfortunately and uncongenially and inconveniently hetero recently, you’d be the number-one, full-size, high-grade-handsome poster on my bedroom wall.

Yup! My problem is, I’m struggling with “unwanted heterosexual feelings;” kind of the opposite of what you and partisans of the Aversionist Agenda™ call “unwanted homosexual feelings.”

Oh, it’s not an agenda? Man, I feel really bad for you; it must really suck ass to be told you and “your people” (whatever that means) are carrying out some vaguely defined, wicked, and conspiratorial agenda; when it’s actually NOT the case!

And besides, you know what? I can’t find anyone to cure me. You never thought about helping people with THIS kind of terrible problem, did you? Don’t I deserve to be cured of my horrible and tragic affliction, too? Am I condemned to feel this way forever, with no hope of normality?

I mean, you only care about gay people, or what? Whatever happened to compassionate conservatism, Rick?

Sheesh. Calm down, Rick. Don’t get edgy. You know, the sweater thing; it was supposed to be a compliment. You’re a handsome kinda guy. Well, yeah; even if, tragically, you can’t be on my agenda right now.

But the offer’s there. If anyone out there can cure me, you know who you gotta call. Some poor boy’s needin’ straight-busted. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Just think about it, Rick. Because, in the last analysis, all us mainstream, standard-issue straightniks are human too.


Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism0 Comments

Perry/Santorum: Top Papal Award, Christian Fakers Annihilated

Perry/Santorum: Top Papal Award, Christian Fakers Annihilated

Oh-so-conspicuously unashamed Christian, Rick Perry, is not actually painfully, embarrassingly, and conspicuously unashamed today; just plain-ol’-vanilla-grindin’ embarrassed.

Pope Francis has accidentally made Perry a Papal Knight, instead of the similarly-monikered Rick Santorum.

But far from being flattered, Perry is distinctly underwhelmed by this high accolade…

Just Google-pedia his (kind of) acceptance speech at the Vatican; the 13 dozen (-trillion-ish?) megahit Youtube postings, and thousands and thousands of thoroughly unamusing and utterly disrespectful and malicious web-parodies™…

(According to the most recent count, conducted a mere 69… sorry, 20 minutes after his speech).

You know, I’m still not ashamed to say I’m a Christian™, even if I’m not that kind of Christian; but I’m just not really into all that Catholic stuff.

I mean, you don’t have to have a legion of rich friends in the megachurch industry or an army of devoted enemies of the so-called Churches-and-Statists-Separation to know there’s something wrong in this country when…™

Well, when I can get respect from the Pope but not from the Democrats… not even from YOUR fellow-Catholic buddy, the practically omnipresent/omnipotent/omni-shut-the-hell-up Saint Pelosi!…

And, of course, when a certain breed of opportunistic, center-straddling, fence-sitting Republicans opposes some of my ideas.

Don’t worry, I’ve already promised a thousand times ten thousand to end the war on True Christians™! Sorry, I mean a thousand times per hour… well, much more than a thousand, if the Youtube bandwidth were better…

Oh, socialist internet regulation sucks! Just sucks, dammit!#

We all know and respect how I try my very damnablest… sorry, damnedest, to save True, Authentic, Honest-to-God Christians™ from socialist, liberal, secular, and in particular, Darwinian-homosexual persecution and seduction…

But my job’s always getting just that bit harder when these pretty-damn-border-line or even flat-out-wrong churches (not pointing any fingers in this cathedral) try and join in the fun and call themselves Christians too.

It’s just plain unbearable! JFK, anyone?

Well, what next? Mitt Romney, is he going to try and be a True Christian as well? I mean, are the Church of Jesus and God’s Latter-Day Mormonian Witnesses™ going to give me an award too?

And how about Romney’s highly conspicuous and thoroughly renown-a-spectable co-believer, co-worshipper, and co-Heaven-bound-space-traveller Tom Cruise?

Well? Where will it all end, huh? Christian gays?™ Gimme a break!

Actually… no, on second thoughts, I’ll just decide I’m actually subtly trying to gauge your authenticity; you got any Christian gays here? Well? No? Not really, ya say? Yeah, whatever!”

I also asked part-time radical sexologist and amateur pretty-damn-non-postmodern gender theory expert Rick Santorum for his views.

(Actually, doesn’t that more-or-less mean “pre-modern gender theory expert?” One of you amateur semanticists from the comments pages might know; or if not, I’m sure you can at least offer us some absolute, unqualified certainty about this pressing issue).

Santorum is scarcely more generous than Perry; more like curiously frustrated:

“I’ve always wanted to be a Papal Knight; that’s the reason I joined politics in the first place…

“My only desire has been serving others in a purely disinterested and selfless manner. And of course, I’ve always dreamed of grabbing; sorry, acquiring, some especially honorable and distinguished Vatican accolade along the way.

“The Church I’ve loved and served all my life has just passed me over. So, I might as well just admit I’ve been living a lie all these years! You know what I mean?”


Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism0 Comments

A Psalm for the Tea Party

A Psalm for the Tea Party

1) The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want–to talk to liberals.

2) He maketh me lie down in untaxed green pastures: he leadeth me to the clear waters of pro-Gun states where I can shoot deer or thieves as God intended; no libs shall take my guns away.

3) He restoreth our souls to their Constitutional originals; he leadeth us down the righteous right-wing path where no left-leaning wingnuts lie in wait. Continue Reading


Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Vatican Wafer Gate

Vatican Wafer Gate

Wikileaks has done it again. The release of 3.4 billion database searchable electronic records is reverberating around the Internet with many new stunning revelations.

The latest to be revealed is a series of directives between the US and the Vatican. In what appears to be a quid pro quo, it appears that a deal was struck whereby the Justice Department would “be soft” in prosecuting abusive priests and let the church deal with them in return for letting a GMO ingredient into their communion wafer.

This was only for North American Catholic churches and began during the millennium crisis. Continue Reading


Posted in Health, Religionism3 Comments

Santorum’s Untimely September Crusade Against Wal-Mart

Santorum’s Untimely September Crusade Against Wal-Mart

OK, I know the following article seems pretty anachronistic (in more ways than one, maybe).

Still, if politicians make “untimely interventions” in issues that are more safely consigned to a different part of the calendar, it’s not my fault.

Yes, it really isn’t my fault…

I mean, this is the objective media, and holding our hands up and taking responsibility is not really our bag.

That said, you might as well read what follows. Entertainment is the first and last of all virtues in the media, after all…

Well, that’s kinda the problem with our po-faced rivals and haters at Fox and MSNBC.

Anyways, Rick Santorum has recently attempted to revive his flagging political career, with a deeply untimely (at least in calendar terms) intervention in the “war on religion” debate:

“Ok, this might sound like old news, as it’s pretty much early autumn, and December 2013 is long behind us. But something from those few months back is really haunting me… this grudge is just too hard to bear…

“Yes, several months ago, Christmas 2013, Wal-mart actually stopped selling Christmas puddings! They had Yule Log, Christmas cake, French, German things, everything you can imagine, but no Christmas puddings.”

OK, so that sort of crap pisses me off too. Yet, Santorum is not even satisfied by a well-meaning, if somewhat confusing (in many ways!) statement from Wal-mart:

Although a lack of demand meant that last year we didn’t sell any Christmas puddings, our Christmas range continues to expand, with a variety of Christmas foods from around the world.

Still, in the name of the Christmas spirit (or as Ayn Rand said, in the name of the very best within us), we are always keen to hear recommendations about what to stock next…

Well, as long as you don’t piss us off by make annoying complaints in the media about it…

I mean, would you just shut up about this crap, right?…

I mean, we’re doing the very best we possibly can in an incredibly hostile and competitive market; when all those stupid, pissy little family shops and so-called “small businesses” are blowing humongous, bleeding chunks out of our rightful sales.

Still, we do hope that by the next festive season, everyone should be able to choose from a wide range of Christmas foods, including desserts and cakes, and be able to sit down and enjoy their favourite treats with their family.

Yes, whether monogamous, polygamous, polyamorous, casual hook-up, single-parent, many-parented, parents plus mistress (singular), parents plus mistresses (plurals), friends with benefits, blindfold S and M whip-or-be-whipped…

Or favourite colleagues, or favourite colleagues apart from that annoying guy from the office who keeps wanting to borrow cocaine money, or perhaps your least favourite colleagues apart from that appealing gay who keeps wanting to borrow your Lady Gaga T-shirt…

Flashmob-dining with people in your city, flash-flood dining with people in riverine States, feeding the five thousand in a scenic spot…

With or without grandparents, great-grandparents and annoying cousins; with or without the sinister begging of cats or iguanas, or the greedy howling of dogs and rabbits…

With your husband, wife, partner, gay, straight, human, non-human, alive, semi-alive, stone-cold solid, pretty damn buff, ugly as hell, kind-of-mmmkay, whenever, wherever, however, no-holds-barred…

Or even just all on your miserable but congenially tipsy lonesome, with a bottle of our special “All for Me, Haters Ain’t Gettin’ it” range of Mulled Wines and Mulled Extra-Proof Spirits…

Whoever or whatever you are, regardless of your purely arbitrary, socially constructed and culturally contingent family structure, we hope you will enjoy spending a month’s pay with us (or close enough)…

And, of course, sitting down for a pleasurable and enjoyable meal with whoever floats your boat.”

“See, they even admit it themselves, that they’re not selling it,” he scoffs.

(And see, even our puns are better than the average bear’s/average bare-assed liar’s favoured media outlets!)

Santorum continues:

“Like, it’s little compromises like this, like banning Xmas pudding (shit, sorry, keep saying that, I mean, CHRISTMAS pudding), that really build up, and before you know it, we are living in a pagan, post-Christian society…

“I mean, you just heard all the postmodern family structures there!

“Like, even I haven’t heard of half of them, and I’m kind of an informed expert of one sort or another on whatever’s wrong with sex, gender, and social structures in our country…

“Well, an expert, I mean within reason…

“And I mean, all this exotic sexing about in that statement, it’s hard to say which of these is worse… maybe the gay bit, at a push (or a shove?)… well actually no, it’s all a bit perverse…”

But Santorum’s views have found little support. Indeed, even Glenn Beck has poked fun at what some are calling an obvious publicity stunt:

“Hey, Santorum!” he smirks. “Never thought you were actually the type to stuff your face with Christmas pudding. You look more like a salad-and-vinaigrette type than a full-on pork barbecue kind of guy…

“So what, I mean, they’re not selling Christmas pudding? What harm does that do you, of all people? Loser.”

Still, we’ll give the last word to Ted Nugent (well, sometimes he actually doesn’t mind having the last word, anyways):

“These hooligans take away our guns, our constitutional rights and privileges and replace them with entitlements!

“So, ya know, we used to have rich, sweet, greasy, alcoholic, liver-smiting and tooth-murdering Christmas pudding. Stuffing our faces ‘til kingdom come.

“But now we’re having, say what? Gluten-free Victoria sponge with free-range dairy cream and organic cherries on top? This is a drip-drip phenomenon, man! I’m surprised we haven’t had a revolution by now.”

Well, at least Ted knows what our real political priorities should be (as always)…


Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

One or two people might have been offended by the information included in my recent scoop on the Dalai Lama’s views on war crimes. Unfortunately, no apology or clarification from His Exalted Phatness has been forthcoming…

Instead, I have a second blunder to report (with all the wide-eyed sincerity a cynical satirical hack can muster).
Well, what is it this time?

Hmm… everybody’s favourite non-judgmental, peaceful and achingly groovy religious leader has given a word from the wise to all those bigoted, ignorant, lawless and unenlightened folks who look down on heroin dealers. Continue Reading


Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime, Religionism3 Comments

God to Withhold Prayer Requests From Cor Jesu High School Administrators Since Firing of Gay Teachers

God to Withhold Prayer Requests From Cor Jesu High School Administrators Since Firing of Gay Teachers

ST. LOUIS – Explaining that he had, “literally no idea what they were thinking,” deity of the Catholic Church and contributing author Yahweh said in a press release he would no longer be accepting prayer requests from officials at Cor Jesu Academy in reaction to their firing of two homosexual teachers.

“I’m sorry, I really am, but I just can not, in good conscious, continue to cure the sick, pick winning lottery numbers, and alter the outcome of sporting events if the request comes from members of such an institution. These sanctions are both warranted and necessary.” Continue Reading


Posted in Religionism, Society0 Comments

Pat Robertson “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions

Pat Robertson “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions

After a lull of a few years, Pat Robertson has put his theometerology hat back on again.

Yes… Pastor Pat has yet another new theory to contribute for why the USA has experienced extreme weather conditions in recent years.

How so? Well, it turns out that God is just not a Belieber.

“Well… I don’t want to say for sure whether the Lord is punishing the USA because of this fine young man’s singing.

“I mean, I’m not gonna tell you to whom you shall listen and to whom you shall not. That is your choice, but I will just say this…

“Yes, if there is a nation in this world where certain young men wander from venue to venue and make these shrill demonic sounds, and no-one is there to say, “Hey, the People of God are not standing for this…

“Well, I’m not gonna be dogmatic… and say that the Lord is sending extreme weather conditions for this cause. But nevertheless, oftentimes the thought has indeed occurred to some good solid Christian folks… well, I will leave it to you to decide what you think.” (Sorry, my ™ button just broke).

But these comments have enraged several theological experts of a more liberal religious bent.

“No, no, no!” says Nancy Pelosi. “That’s not the God I worship! How cruel! I mean, hating on Bieber! No way!”

Oprah Winfrey concurs: “I mean, I’m with you Pelosi, I’m pretty vague on what God I worship, but it sure isn’t that one!”

Pelosi and Oprah’s views are by no means unrepresentative among those of a more clerical background:

“Shame on this man!” thunders mild-mannered Episcopalian John Shelby Spong, spitting fire and brimstone:

“I mean, for shame! This is why so many people think God is a murderous tyrant. A world without catchy pop-tunes, that would be Hell on Earth! Not being opportunistic here; but you see what I mean about Heaven and Hell being on this earth and not some far-off beyond?”

And even Bill O’Reilly, a Traditional Catholic™, is absolutely livid at the Pastor’s words:

“You know what! I have absolutely no idea why Pastor Robertson said that. Right? It’s unbelievable! It’s incredible! Just incredible…

“I mean, if God wanted to punish us for that kid, and make the punishment fit the crime, he would just have flattened this whole continent with a snap of his fingers!”

However, Pope Francis has rebuked Pelosi (again) for bringing the Church’s name into disrepute:

“Of course I agree that Justin Bieber’s music is an abomination,” says His Holiness, with the utmost gravity. “Why would God not think so too?”


Posted in Music, Religionism0 Comments

H.H. Dalai Lama: War Crimes Are Matter of Context

H.H. Dalai Lama: War Crimes Are Matter of Context

Everybody knows that unlike all the “Abrahamic Religions”™ like Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Baha’i, Rastafarianism, etc., Buddhism is in a class of its own.

But why? Obviously, because people belonging to all other religions have practiced patriarchy, homophobia, racism, and the odd spot of religious persecution…

On the other hand, as every herb-smoking New Age traveler knows in their heart, Buddhism is the one religion on earth where there has never been a war, or any sort of persecution, prejudice or discrimination whatsoever.

However, this universally acknowledged common sense fact is becoming increasingly difficult to square with some of the more erratic rulings recently attributed to the entirely authoritative and infallible teachings of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, known to countless beer-addled student activists as H.H.

(No, I mean really infallible, not like the Pope, who is only called infallible; and who is not ACTUALLY infallible. Learn the difference, chip!)

Well, what did the world’s most peaceful, non-discriminatory, and non-political religious leader have to say that has provoked such opprobrium? The Dalai Lama has stated that looting, pillaging and burning villages may be acceptable in a military context if it is not done in a spirit of rage and malice.

“Now, as I have so often said, my way is a middle way™. If you are motivated to commit some kind of war atrocity out of fear, anger or a general negative attitude™ towards the villagers, this is bad karma™, indeed a serious error.

“Yes, this will considerably hinder your progress (unless, perhaps, an enlightened figure will bestow some merit on you). But if your action is motivated by compassion™, or at least by a certain detachment™, a dispassionate motivation™, then your action may have few or no negative karmic consequences™.”

These remarks have caused outrage among many observers; at least among some people who are not currently in a soporific George-Harrison-LP-induced daze. An anonymous source in China says:

“Well, we have been telling the world for years about this man, about how he is a liar and a charlatan. Now the mask has slipped, and he has shown his true colors. Maybe now fewer people will be fooled.”

Still, Richard Gere has stepped up to defend his buddy and spiritual comrade-in-arms:

“You know, it shows you how little respect people have for His Holiness when people are queuing up to disparage him™ in this way. This is a man of peace™, you know like Nelson Mandela, Che Guevara, Hugo Chavez, Kim Il-Sung, all these people.”

Well, OK. Glad that’s settled then.


Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism5 Comments

Rand and Rev. Al Share the Pie Equally, Dems and Reps Unimpressed

Rand and Rev. Al Share the Pie Equally, Dems and Reps Unimpressed

Senator Rand Paul and Reverend Al Sharpton have shown some interparty solidarity and cut up a blueberry pie™ into equal slices at a dialogue and lunch event.

“Hey listen, this man Senator Rand Paul is great!” gushes Reverend Al:

“I mean, I haven’t seen such mutual engagement and co-operation for a long time! We can work with this man alright! And that blueberry pie; oh my gosh, I’ve never had such succulent blue-sky-colored berries and crusty pastry… wow! Continue Reading


Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

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