Archive | Religionism

Megachurch Enterpreneur Launches Hostile Takeover of Vatican

Megachurch Enterpreneur Launches Hostile Takeover of Vatican

Pope Francis has recently denounced the efforts by notable megachurch entrepreneur Merle Swaggett to buy out the Vatican and run the Church on a more modern basis:

The Catholic Church has been around for a fairly long time, but there are some who envy our long track record of spiritual and material success. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, World News0 Comments

New Church Dictates the Jailed Must Get Steak, Lobster, Internet

New Church Dictates the Jailed Must Get Steak, Lobster, Internet

Separation of Church & State means a prison can’t tell you what to eat. They can’t force you to eat pork and, this church hopes, they cannot deny you lobster.

Jails are terrible [citation needed] and inmates often do anything they can just to feel like they have an ounce of control in their lives.

Dietary hassles are not just the beginning, they’re also usually the end. Continue Reading

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Posted in Podcasts, Religionism0 Comments

Pat Robertson: Gay Atheists are the Shocktroops of Iran

Pat Robertson: Gay Atheists are the Shocktroops of Iran

Pat Robertson is concerned at the mortal peril certain “bad folks” pose to people in the USA, and just this once, he’s not been shy to get to the root of the problem.

Now, listen carefully, my dear friends. If we are going to let all these, you know, these hooomoseeexual atheiiists, you know, if we tolerate them, let them work in our public facilities and business corporations….

Well, you’ve probably heard it before, but I’m gonna tell you, because it’s the truth, and it bears repeating. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Television0 Comments

Jehovah Flip-Flops on Smiting Blood Transfusion Patients (3/3)

Jehovah Flip-Flops on Smiting Blood Transfusion Patients (3/3)

Here are the rest of the commandments the Watchtower is graciously bestowing on the followers of Jehovah…

In order to facilitate any relatively ethical, accountable and non-abusive uses of the generally satanic and perniciously demonic spiritual technology known as “blood transfusions.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism0 Comments

Jehovah Flip-Flops on Smiting Blood Transfusion Patients (2/3)

Jehovah Flip-Flops on Smiting Blood Transfusion Patients (2/3)

Last time:

OOF! Well, that was a nice Godly-Gish-sermon to tire you out. Now that you’re on the ropes, I’ll rush through the more embarrassing bit.

But what could it possibly be?

(Psst! Cryptic and mysteriously recondite hint… READ THE DAMN TITLE!).

Ha! Nope! You didn’t just hear me say I was playing mind games. It was just the Devil whispering in your ear. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism0 Comments

Jehovah Flip-Flops on Smiting Blood Transfusion Patients (1/3)

Jehovah Flip-Flops on Smiting Blood Transfusion Patients (1/3)

Well, it only took me a day to beat The Respect Police! :P

And to publish my astonishing revelation of the boundless grace, mercy and abhorrently irrational bullshit…

That Lord Jehovah (of Watchtower celebrity fame and stardom) dispenses to his most achingly subservient and submissive followers.

So, this is the latest (not-so-)private revelation from the Lord that Jehovah has granted unto his best buddies (abject servants) among the Witnesses. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism0 Comments

Texas GOP Passes Bill Forcing Men to Have Pre-Vasectomy Sonograms

Texas GOP Passes Bill Forcing Men to Have Pre-Vasectomy Sonograms

In a surprising upset for gender equality groups, the Texas GOP passed a bill requiring men to have sonograms prior to receiving vasectomies.

This includes a three-day waiting period before going through with this “unGodly” procedure of “tearing asunder what God joined together [at birth,]” specifically one’s nutsack, according to head of the Texas GOP Chief Biblical Scholar Chick “Goober” Pease. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Religionism0 Comments

Sinister Spooks Threaten Mr TM re: Forthcoming Jehovah Smackdown

Sinister Spooks Threaten Mr TM re: Forthcoming Jehovah Smackdown

Mr TM has been threatened with legal action by malign and powerful West Coast bureaucratic forces that he is strictly forbidden to name…

On account of his anticipated smackdown on the Jehovah’s Witnesses sect.

GlossyNews? Well, that as well.

Still, as Mr TM delights in pissing all over third rails, this is not such a problem for him.

More importantly, notable krap-aid-cult and edgy fringe spiritual-dogmatising-club, Jehovah’s Witnesses, has finally given permission for children to get blood transfusions. Continue Reading

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Posted in Human Interest, Religionism0 Comments

God Issues Defamation & Copyright Cease and Desist

God Issues Defamation & Copyright Cease and Desist

One tragic “unintended consequence” of the DMCA is that it has resulted in a currently unverified premature leak of a document God was planning to reveal to the world.

Or at least to those who had ears to hear.

I can’t say for sure if the following transcript is for real.

Still, I guess this is one of those things. You either believe it or you don’t.

Listen, everybody. Now, I’m a pretty nice person. I mean, there’s no one in this world who is more loving and generous than me! Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Religionism0 Comments

Governor Haley Proposes Replacing Confederate Flag with Dukes of Hazzard Flag

Governor Haley Proposes Replacing Confederate Flag with Dukes of Hazzard Flag

Republican Governor Nikki Haley called for the removal of the Confederate flag in the capital of South Carolina Monday, after pressure from many who called the flag racist and divisive.

The pressure was mounting, after a white supremacist opened fire on an historic church in Charleston, killing nine black people.

Governor Haley earlier had defended the flag as a symbol of Southern pride and history, but as a compromise to remove it, she has proposed replacing it with another symbol of Southern pride, the flag from the 1970’s-80’s show, The Dukes of Hazzard. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (3/3)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (3/3)

Phew! I’m worn out.

Or maybe just in a vaguely soporific state.

It was all fun and amusing to start with, but I think the novelty’s worn off.

Gets a bit samey after a while.

Still, I always like to honor my purely fleeting, voluntary and radically contingent contractual commitments to the international-satire-misreading-and-red-herring-web-comment-community. Continue Reading

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Posted in Making Headlines, Religionism0 Comments

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (2/3)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (2/3)

OK, the sky hasn’t fallen in….

Yet.

Just gotta keep going, I suppose.

Cosmic E-Cheek Ass Slicer

OK, this one is a little bit nastier, if also somewhat more fun…

And it’s only for the more experienced, intrepidly kinky fetish types. Continue Reading

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Posted in Making Headlines, Religionism0 Comments

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (1/3)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (1/3)

Oof! Sorry for the mildly sensationalist headline. I never quite got over not getting to be a top reporter for the Galactical Enquirer.

Still, somewhat more crucially, I must inform you of the existential spiritual peril facing you and your family. Continue Reading

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Posted in Making Headlines, Religionism0 Comments

Sam Harris Drives Dinosaurs out of the Schools

Sam Harris Drives Dinosaurs out of the Schools

Prominent atheist and achingly non-woolly intellectual figure Sam Harris has persuaded some Democratic Senators to try to stop The Flintstones from being shown in science classes.

Not only that. Teachers used to allocate some general class time just before vacation to watch such cartoons, to help the kids wind down. But they can’t even do that now. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Science0 Comments

Bill Maher Banned (Again)… But Why?

Bill Maher Banned (Again)… But Why?

Notable public figure Bill Maher has been banned from several notable clothes retail chains in the entire slick, coastal, metro part of the USA…

For making some provocative and inflammatory comments about a moderate political Islamist™ in Pakistan who says women resemble sacks of flour.

Yup! His Most Exalted Even-More-Moderate-Than-Moderate-Taliban-ness says that every one of the integral synthetic components of the female community should be treated in keeping with the most noble and exalted station he himself envisages for them…

When he is high on crystal meth funded from the proceeds of his illegal kindergarten-bombing Ponzi scheme. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Television0 Comments

Google Becomes Main Source Of Knowledge In Universe; God Steps Down

Google Becomes Main Source Of Knowledge In Universe; God Steps Down

Accumulating a huge mass of knowledge in its 17 years of existence, the Internet giant Google has officially made itself the greatest source of knowledge in the entire universe, surpassing even that of Douglas Adam’s giant planet computer in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

In a surprising move as a result of this development, God has stepped down as the Supreme Force of the Universe. Asked to make a public statement about this unexpected change, God refused at first to answer reporters’ questions. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Religionism7 Comments

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