Archive | Religionism

Christians buy “What would an Iron Age yokel do?” bracelet

Christians buy “What would an Iron Age yokel do?” bracelet

Dateline: CHARLOTTE, NC—Along with its more famous line of wristbands, emblazoned with the words, “What would Jesus do?” Dollars for Jesus, a Christian merchandise company began selling a mysterious alternative, a wristband asking its wearer, “What would an Iron Age yokel do?”

Christians who are evidently hard-pressed to know how to stay true to their religion in modern societies flocked to purchase multiple copies of the new bracelet, figuring that this must be an even more incisive way of testing a Christian’s authenticity.
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Posted in Religionism4 Comments

Cosmos Show embroiled in Legal Controversy with Churches

Cosmos Show embroiled in Legal Controversy with Churches

Dateline: LOS ANGELES—Dozens of churches in the United States are collectively suing the producers of Cosmos, the reboot of the television show previously hosted by Carl Sagan, for “stealing the Christian shtick.”

The filed complaint was obtained by the press and it alleges that the first episode of the show portrays Giordano Bruno as a Christ-like figure, while the second episode sanctifies the DNA molecule.
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Posted in Religionism, Science, Television5 Comments

Arizona State Legisislature Votes To Change State Motto, Slogan

Arizona State Legisislature Votes To Change State Motto, Slogan

Giddy with the joy of Christ at successfully legalizing state sponsored endorsement of dark age phobias and insanities the Arizona State Legislature voted to to change the State slogan and motto along with other state designations and affiliations. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism20 Comments

Second Horseman of The Apocalypse Holds News Conference

Second Horseman of The Apocalypse Holds News Conference

The Second Horseman of The Apocalypse held a rare news conference at his estate today, warning that the Apocalypse Alert level may have to be raised.

The Second Horseman met with the reporters arrayed outside the gates of his secluded ranch, arriving in a red Mustang convertible matching his solid red ensemble.

Approaching the crowd with sword in hand, the Horseman created a brief panic before noting, “Opps, sorry, I forgot how jumpy you people are,” and idly tossing the sword into the backseat. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism2 Comments

Creation Museum Sets Stupidly Low Bar w/ Non-Floating Ark

Creation Museum Sets Stupidly Low Bar w/ Non-Floating Ark

Ken Ham, while unclean in name only, continues to vie valiantly for the creation of a modern day Ark to prove once and for all that the book of Genesis was written as a literal and true historical account.

But old man scam-on-the-barbie has missed too many crucial points, reality clearly the biggest among them.

Don’t let his twoingy accent fool you, he’s not sophisticated, just a regular Joe from a country with no more patience for him. But no matter. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Religionism6 Comments

Satanist Claims Satanist Not A Satanist

Satanist Claims Satanist Not A Satanist

Lucien Graves, spokesperson and Grand Goat Master for the Horned and Cloven Hoofed Tabernacle went on record yesterday claiming accused “Craigslist Dexter Killer” Miranda Morgan was just a cheap poser and a hack.

Morgan was arrested Monday in the killing of 52 year old Clam Paws after he responded to a Craigslist ad placed by Morgan offering sex for $100 from a 16 year old girl. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Society0 Comments

Popular Orca Handling Preacher Dies From Whale Bite

Popular Orca Handling Preacher Dies From Whale Bite

Cult orca handler and rider Pastor Jamie Coots died early Friday morning after being bitten in half by a killer whale during a non sanctioned religious service at Sea World. The ardent Pentecostal minister preached whales will not harm true believers if they are anointed by God. The practice is illegal in most states but still goes on primarily in cities with ocean-themed amusement parks. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism17 Comments

Jihadist Gets The 72 Virgins That He So Richly Deserves

Jihadist Gets The 72 Virgins That He So Richly Deserves

The Gates To Glory opened wide to accept young Jasheed as he entered the Jihadist Heaven he worked so hard to deserve.

His trainers had always indoctrinated him on the wonders that would await him there were he to prove himself to be a true fundamentalist patriot.

Now, his mission completed and multiple bodies torn apart by his suicide bomb including his own, he had now come to get his awards. Continue Reading

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Pope Francis Objects to Notre Dame Stadium Overhaul

Pope Francis Objects to Notre Dame Stadium Overhaul

When University of Notre Dame officials announced Wednesday that they were building a $400 million extension onto its football stadium, many were initially critical of the project’s price tag.

But one notable critic has come forward to oppose the project on moral and religious grounds. That critic is the leader of the global Catholic Church. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism2 Comments

Weed-Smoking Potlandians Debate Whether to Legalize Nicotine, Alcohol

Weed-Smoking Potlandians Debate Whether to Legalize Nicotine, Alcohol

Dateline: CANNABISTOWN, PO—In Potlandia, marijuana is legal for recreational purposes and is commonly smoked by nearly all of the adult citizens of that country, while alcohol and nicotine are banned. But the alcohol and tobacco industries regard Potlandia’s laws as discriminatory. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Religionism10 Comments

Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable

Appearances by the Spanish Inquisition Becoming Predictable

Melville, Montana – Just last Tuesday, Todd Johansen, loan manager of the local Bank of America, came home to find his wife, Karen, sitting deliberately at the kitchen table.

“He’d called my cell during lunch and said it would be another ‘late night at the office,’” she said. “I admit I was getting more than a little suspicious, and thought that I’d finally find out what was going on.”

“Nothing was going on,” Todd said with a sheepish grin and a shrug. “Things had just been tight at the office since Bob retired and no one had been hired to replace him.”

“But I didn’t know that at the time, so when he came home, I kind of got carried away and started yelling.”

Todd nodded. “That was about when I said, ‘I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition,’ and then –”

Suddenly, the door behind me burst open and three men in red jumped in from the kitchen. The leader lurched forward, a gold cross dangling from the chain around his neck, and bellowed, “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!”

Taken aback, I glanced at Todd and Karen.

“Just like that,” Karen told me, pointing at the newcomers.

“Our 18 chief weapons are…”

“Ooh, 18 this time!” Todd exclaimed, shifting in his seat, clearly eager to hear the rest.

“Are…” the leader started, “Amongst… Our 18… chief, but not all inclusive, weaponry are: Fear and surprise, surprise and fear, and a ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, wealthy friends, oil for the chains, these nice red uniforms – really, feel them, aren’t they soft?”

They were, indeed, quite soft. Almost velvet, and yet with a sheen of silk. Both Todd and Karen gave satisfied nods before the leader stepped back to continue.

“Right. Spears and nun chucks, nun chucks and spears, a hand grenade or two, no three, comfy chairs, an iTunes gift card, politicians friendly to the cause, a philosophy degree, these cool hats, a turbo-charged VW Beetle, a stretching rack, baseball bats, and a defunct partridge in a pear tree… Are…”

One of the leader’s compatriots tapped him on the shoulder, holding up four fingers. One of the things he whispered in the leader’s ear was the word “nineteen.”

“Amongst…” the leader shouted at us before turning to the other and hurriedly whispering, “are you sure?”

The three of them clustered into a huddle back by the china cabinet. From what we could hear, the leader seemed to think that “spears and nun chucks” were only one item. The others seemed to be in disagreement. Todd watched on in rapt attention to their antics. Karen was pleasantly bemused.

With a sudden flourish, the three of them jumped from their huddle and back into our midst. The leader stepped forward, took a great, long, prominent inhale, then shouted “We’ll come again!” and they all flew back out the door.

“Well,” Todd said, then added, “there you have it.”

“And if you say ‘I wasn’t expecting…’”

“Yep,” he cut me off. “They’ll come bounding back in. It’s happened every time since that first time last Tuesday.”

“It’s quite fun to do, sometimes,” Karen stated.

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Posted in Entertainment, Religionism, Television, Top Stories0 Comments

Bible Quiz Proves Average American Knows Nothing About The Bible

Bible Quiz Proves Average American Knows Nothing About The Bible

A recent quiz written by our own staff has gone live in Beta, and early results are less than promising. It seems nobody knows the real facts of The Bible.

There are questions from the Old Testament, the new Testament, and no other testaments, since there are no other testaments acknowledged, no matter what Muslims of Mormons might say. I can make quizes for you guys too, if you like.

(TAKE THE 12-QUESTION BIBLE QUIZ NOW). Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism12 Comments

Duck Dynasty Delusions & American Social Cohesion in Jeopardy, Experts warn

Duck Dynasty Delusions & American Social Cohesion in Jeopardy, Experts warn

Dateline: WEST MONROE, LA—Phil Robertson, star of A&E’s Duck Dynasty, got into trouble with his politically incorrect comments about homosexuality being un-Christian.

For financial reasons, A&E stood by Mr. Robertson, Duck Dynasty will continue filming, and conservative groups have applauded the network.

However, shockwaves from the swirling winds created by the clash between conservative and liberal delusions are still propagating and culture critics warn that they threaten to destroy America with a mega tornado of bluster.
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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism0 Comments

Meek Taking Early Inheritance of Earth and Evicting All Sinners

Meek Taking Early Inheritance of Earth and Evicting All Sinners

MUSKEGON, MI - The Meek, who are mentioned a couple of times in the Bible as the heirs to Earth*, have finally had enough of their un-meek counterparts, i.e. the Sinners, and are close to having God grant their request to take their inheritance early instead of waiting until their Heavenly Father dies.

Due to the calamitous rise in wars, rumors of wars, greed, and a general degradation of humankind in general, the Meek have determined it is time to act now, not later.

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

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Ice Storm Victims learn Horrible True Meaning of Christmas

Ice Storm Victims learn Horrible True Meaning of Christmas

Many Torontonians and Americans have had their power knocked out by a catastrophic ice storm, but some are taking solace in the fact that being cursed with such utter darkness has taught them the true, horrible meaning of Christmas.

The ice storm has brought down thousands of large tree branches which knocked out power lines, causing power outages in the homes of over 200,000 Torontonians alone. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Religionism0 Comments

Wall Street Banks’ Financial Dealings Stump the Lord Almighty

Wall Street Banks’ Financial Dealings Stump the Lord Almighty

Dateline: NEW YORK—A cabal of Wall Street bankers runs a global crime syndicate that buys the regulators of their industry, rigs the rules of the market, and uses convoluted financial instruments and bogus mathematical models to siphon cash from the majority of people in modern economies, according to many experts.

However, no judge or jury has convicted the bankers of any crime, because no one other than the bankers understands exactly how they’re doing what they’re doing. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Religionism3 Comments

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