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Donald Trump, the Antichrist, is “close enough to Christ,” said Evangelical Leader

Donald Trump, the Antichrist, is “close enough to Christ,” said Evangelical Leader

Dateline: LICKSKILLET, KY—Evangelical Christians are supporting President Donald Trump, because “he’s probably the Antichrist and that’s close enough,” according to evangelical leader Leon Birdbrain.

Evangelicals voted overwhelmingly for Donald Trump to be president, and polls indicate that they haven’t wavered in their enthusiasm for President Trump and the GOP despite the opinion of a growing majority of Americans that, because of his “many scandals after only one year as president” and because of his “manifest unfitness for high office, Mr. Trump is easily the worst president in U.S. history,” as one national poll concluded.

This has led political scientists and pollsters to wonder why Mr. Trump can still count on his base of evangelical Christians even though his behaviour appears to be obviously unchristian. According to the president’s many critics, his mendacity, sexism, racism, bigotry narcissism, and personal wealth all indicate that Donald Trump has no interest in even appearing to care about the Christian message, and yet the most vocal American Christians flock to Trump and to the Republican Party, which has so far shielded Mr. Trump from impeachment proceedings.

Mr. Birdbrain, a televangelist in Kentucky and author of 4,012 books on evangelical Christianity, held a press conference in which he announced that he believes evangelicals support Donald Trump precisely because they think he’s “not just a God-awful president and human being,” but “the Antichrist in the flesh.”

When asked why so many supposedly earnest Christians would intentionally cheer for the Antichrist, whereas the New Testament is widely interpreted as preferring Christ to Satan’s earthly representative, Mr. Birdbrain said, “The Antichrist is close enough. I mean, we’ve been waiting a long, long time for Jesus Christ to return. It’s been over two thousand years and the Bible says he was supposed to come back before the first generation of his followers died. He’s evidently been delayed, to say the least, and many Christians now are getting impatient.

“So when we see the Antichrist, Donald Trump, in our very midst we figure, well, it’s only four letters away from ‘Christ,’ right? You take away the ‘anti’ and lo and behold, you’ve got the Christ, after all this time. We’ve been waiting too long and Antichrist is close enough to Christ. That’s why Trump has my unconditional support and I know I speak for tens of thousands of my evangelical congregants.”

Leon Birdbrain went on to explain that he wears an upside down cross around his neck for similar reasons. “Once again, it’s simple. It’s close enough. You just turn the cross around 180 degrees and you’ve got the old-time cross, so I’m still in God’s good graces.”

According to Mr. Birdbrain, if President Trump does manage to destroy the planet, “it will be close enough. Christians have been waiting a long time for God to destroy human civilization to install his divine kingdom, so if the Antichrist accomplishes that in God’s absence, because of whatever’s been delaying Jesus Christ for so long, evangelicals will be fine with that. Either way, we’ll have a wrecked planet, so what’s the difference who pulls the trigger? Hopefully at that point God will finally step in to fix things up and everything will be good as new. Like Satan, the Antichrist is being used by God anyway, so it’s all good.

“You can worship Christ or the Antichrist. You say ‘tomayto,’ I say ‘tomawto.’”

******

By Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America (Donald Trump) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2f/Donald_Trump_%2827150816364%29.jpg

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The Woman Taken in Adultery

The Woman Taken in Adultery

The preacher’s scroll unrolled, one soul:

When Buddha saw the woman taken in adultery he sighed with resignation. Continue Reading

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Smug Corbyn Interview: Liberal Lesbian Muslim Arrested for ‘Islamophobic’ Facebook Post

Smug Corbyn Interview: Liberal Lesbian Muslim Arrested for ‘Islamophobic’ Facebook Post

A lesbian Muslim from Bradford has just been arrested by the Hate Police for not being a “real Muslim.”

Champagne socialists all over the country threw up their hands in horror to see the following hideous rant: Continue Reading

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Southern Poverty Law Center Say the Catholic Church is a ‘Hate Group’

Southern Poverty Law Center Say the Catholic Church is a ‘Hate Group’

The Southern Poverty Law Center has been at the forefront of many important agendas of American civic life, for quite some time. The poor, the Southern and most of all, the legalistic, have all sought shelter under the wings of the holy dove of mercy. Continue Reading

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Pretentious Scientists Deny Existence of Tangle Fairy: Roadies Outraged, Archbishop Conciliatory

Pretentious Scientists Deny Existence of Tangle Fairy: Roadies Outraged, Archbishop Conciliatory

Distraught and tear-stricken roadies have never doubted the existence of the wicked imp that tangles perfectly-laid guitar and sound cables when rock bands are touring. It’s always a disappointment to find your immaculately-placed equipment all messed-up and untidy. Continue Reading

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Don’t Be Intolerant to the Nazi Community: ‘Blitzkrieg’ is Not an Offensive Name

Don’t Be Intolerant to the Nazi Community: ‘Blitzkrieg’ is Not an Offensive Name

In honour of the couple with the son ‘Jihad,’ I’m going to call my son Blitzkrieg.

Now I do hope nobody finds this objectionable… Continue Reading

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Black Peter, Russian Paul: Not All Icons Look the Same

Black Peter, Russian Paul: Not All Icons Look the Same

People in every culture seem to have a different vision of key religious figures.

Over the course of a few articles, I’m going to compare a few public domain images I’ve found from various religions. Continue Reading

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CIA Hymnbook III: Your Firewall Will Never Save You

CIA Hymnbook III: Your Firewall Will Never Save You

Your firewall will never save you

From our dread and mighty drones Continue Reading

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World’s Religious Leaders Pray for President Trump’s Comeuppance, to Restore God’s Good Name

World’s Religious Leaders Pray for President Trump’s Comeuppance, to Restore God’s Good Name

Dateline: CALCUTTA—Religious leaders all over the world are praying for Donald Trump’s comeuppance. Continue Reading

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Widow of Fred Phelps Comes Out on Westboro Baptist Church ‘National Coming Out Day’ October Surprise

Widow of Fred Phelps Comes Out on Westboro Baptist Church ‘National Coming Out Day’ October Surprise

On National Coming Out Day, I am about to come out before all your eyes…

As a former homophobe. Continue Reading

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Global Fertility Crisis: Pastor Pat Robinson Warns His Sperm Count Has Dropped to Unprecedented Levels

Global Fertility Crisis: Pastor Pat Robinson Warns His Sperm Count Has Dropped to Unprecedented Levels

Pat Robinson has warned that Western civilization is in mortal peril, because of declining sperm counts.

Scientists recently sounded the alarm on this issue; but reluctant to lie idly on the sidelines of any contentious debate, Pastor Pat has also given his two cents on this. Continue Reading

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Progress-Conscious Saudi Arabia Allows Women to Get Run Over by Cars

Progress-Conscious Saudi Arabia Allows Women to Get Run Over by Cars

Notable human rights paragon the Kingdom of Saudia Arabia, who recently got a top spot at the UN for being nice to women, have introduced yet another stunningly liberal gender measure. Continue Reading

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More About New Politically Correct Vatican Seminary for Future Catholic Church Leaders

More About New Politically Correct Vatican Seminary for Future Catholic Church Leaders

The Vatican Office have confirmed that Pope Francis is due to make a public announcement tomorrow on his controversial college, as discussed an hour ago on Glossy News. The St Francis School of New Theological Justice has already drawn a degree of controversy for such mildly idiosyncratic study module choices as: Continue Reading

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“Liberal” Pope Francis Gives His Blessing to Alleged Papal “SJW College”

“Liberal” Pope Francis Gives His Blessing to Alleged Papal “SJW College”

Pope Francis, current worldwide leader of the Christian Church and most widely beloved social justice icon since Jason X and Chaz Bono, has recent given his “cautious approval” to a new elite Papal college. Continue Reading

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God’s Plenty, and The Wondrous Risk of Love

God’s Plenty, and The Wondrous Risk of Love

NOTE: I wrote this not long ago, when I was on the verge of finishing a huge project; after a few very turbulent and painful years.

I will keep going on! Continue Reading

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The Month’s Most Controversial Religion & Atheism Headlines (III)

The Month’s Most Controversial Religion & Atheism Headlines (III)

Charlie Hebdo Draw Guru Nanak: the Only Rioters are Privileged White Campus Radicals Continue Reading

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