INDIANAPOLIS – The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge.

According to heavenly sources, God – hosting a gathering of elite deities – knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon. Continue Reading

The Bible isn’t just an all-time best-seller, it’s a work of wonder, mystery and incredible tragedy.

The Bible doesn’t just tell us how to live our lives, but also tell us how we should never, ever, ever live our lives. It has passages of unbelievable savagery, assuming you believe any of the grace of it in the first place.

These are all legitimate passages from the Bible (with citations.) So before you pray for an easy commute or fair weather, consider asking your god why he was such an unbelievable dick to those who came before you. Continue Reading

The advantages to having Amish work on your farm:

• They won’t be drunk on the job.
• They won’t be cussing or spitting.
• They won’t chase after your wife or daughter.
• They won’t come to work high on smack, crack or twack.
• They won’t be sleeping on the job.
• They won’t be slobs and leave trash around.
• If you’re missing a button, they didn’t steal it.

The disadvantages to having Amish work on your farm:

• You can’t be drunk on the job when they’re around.
• You can’t cuss or spit.
• You can’t chase after their wives or daughters.
• You can’t come to work high on, well, anything.
• You can’t sleep on the job.
• You can’t be a slob and leave trash around.
• If you’re missing a button, it’s probably because of your beer belly.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Am I the only one that has a problem with them using heavy machinery? What sorcery is this!!! A Track-Hoe is okay, but buttons be damned?

AUTHOR’S NOTE: The Amish, I believe, are forced by modern circumstances to use some heavy machinery. They have to get the job done in a certain amount of time, so that means using some modern means. The guy running the skid loader is the Amish crew leader. I asked if he’d mind if I filmed them and he said “I suppose, but we won’t pose for you.”

If you look closely you’ll also see that they are wearing Carhardts.

I was to one Amish farm where the guy had a mechanical conveyor belt for getting things into the upper part of a barn. But if you look at their normal clothes you won’t find a button, only pins. They believe buttons are unwholesome.

The argument is everywhere. Without the Bible, there would be no morality. Well that’s obviously untrue, since atheists are disproportionately absent in jails.

Blame that on the lack of education of many Evangelicals (especially the home-schooled crowd) if you like, but you’ve got an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful being on your side. We just have science. Continue Reading

In his own inimitable way, televangelist and former political aspirant, Pat Robertson, announced the release of his highly anticipated “Greatest Hits” VHS tape on his show The 700 Club yesterday. Five minutes later, it had already gone gold.

“It’s unbelievable, really,” said industry mogul Tom Jones. “In a short amount of time Robertson’s tape was in a category all by itself because of the sheer numbers behind it–so, we figured why not name it after the man himself. We’re calling it “Patinum”. Continue Reading

Ever wondered what girls learn when they go off to a separate class while you’re busy learning about resisting the temptation to masturbate yourself blind? They’re learning about why their girly things happen, and you don’t want to know about it.

They possess the most amazing thing in the history of mankind, but it is disgusting in ways you could never imagine. It does things that are yicky, things that are gross, and things that would make you barf up your breakfast in about five seconds. Continue Reading

We’ve all wondered when He’d get around to returning. At the sermon on the mount he said he’d return before the last of them in attendance had died, but what a kidder that Christ was, for the love of God.

If Christ returned, would he be given a platform from which to speak his peace, or would He immediately be re-crucified, most likely by His own adherents. How would they actually know it’s Him?

I’ve heard it said that, we “would know,” but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from social media, it’s that even with the most resounding of consensus, there are still 200-million people who disagree. Will they form their own religion?

It’s not like there will be any supernatural occurrence that will convince the world. No, that would require an actual Christ, a being that has never been properly documented of scientifically falsified.

To see my comics as soon as they run check out GlossyNews.com/c.

It is a misnomer, one that has apparently seeped into the culture’s subconscious, that only one person flew over the cuckoo’s nest.

This myth, perpetuated by the 70′s movie classic of the same name, has become so ingrained into our psyche that it is safe to say public perception will never change no matter how much evidence is presented to the contrary.

Nevertheless, GlossyNews international affiliate Iron E-News is here to do its part. Continue Reading

God, speaking from the heavens directly to the souls of billions, this week finally unveiled the single-blind truth. Richard Dawkins cannot experience God — he’s in the placebo group.

“Well to make sure God is effective,” explained Emmanuel Wing, “we have to have a control group,” adding, “You see, Christianity is like any other science.”

As it turns out, out-spoken atheist Richard Dawkins is in that control group. Continue Reading

The Bible is right because it says it is, right? Well it actually doesn’t say that, per se, but it’s still taken as the gospel truth, even by atheists.

We know why Christians believe it, but atheists take it as the gospel truth because they know the gospels are hogwash at best. 15th hand accounts transcribed hundreds of years later, many contradicting, with many more left out entirely. Continue Reading

Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the Boston Marathon bomber killed by Boston police, was freshly arrived in the Heaven promised for Jihadist fighters. A guide was there to help him get established.

“Hello, Mr. Tsarnaev. I am here to help you find your place in this ‘heaven’ you earned.”

Tamerlan was still a little woozy from leaving his body so quickly after being shot and then run over by his own brother in the shoot out with the cops. “Oh….oh…. wait a minute….I am in heaven?” Continue Reading

MIDDELTOWN – With the frightening prospect of his last test this semester for SOC 101 at Lord Fairfax Community College heightening, Bo Buzby is heading to church.

“I simply cannot afford to go through with this trial without first making my peace with God. The possibility of defeat ain’t outside tarnation, and so I’m not sure what to do,” he conceded.

Buzby came to the realization that he needed to be ready for the end after realizing his grades in the introductory Sociology course haven’t been so hot this semester. With one F, two D’s and one C- in all the exams so far, as well as straight zeroes across all homework, Buzby is on the edge between a passing grade of D- and complete failure of the course. He needs to earn an A if the former is to become reality. Continue Reading

You know how those who thump the Bible hardest are also those who are the least likely to have actually read it? Well this comic points it all out.

The marriage equality movement isn’t seeking to redefine marriage any more than the past few thousands of years have already done so. Only this time, it actually makes sense.

I mean, come on, what do you actually lose my allowing loving, committed, same-sex partners to wed? If it’s the “icky factor”, honey, I assure you, they’re already doing it either way. Is it because you feel so strongly about estate/inheritance taxes? Continue Reading

TEHRAN – Millions of Iranians have been left dumbfounded after the Ayatollah Khomeini announced his conversion to Judaism.

News agencies in Iran say the Supreme Leader underwent his change of faiths early Wednesday and chose to make an announcement only now with the hopes of cheering up his wife, who has been quite cranky for the last few weeks.

On-scene reporter Frank Douglas noted the shift in religious loyalties could force the United States to give Iran foreign aid, which its economy desperately needs after years of floundering due to sanctions imposed by the West. Continue Reading

In a stunning revelation that is set to turn the Christian world on its head, Almighty God has admitted that He is a homosexual.

The Lord Above also talked at length about the “steamy and tumultuous relationship” He has had with another male deity over the past 1,462 years, but would not be drawn on His lover’s identity.

The news will come as an enormous blow to a large sect of the Christian faith, who regard homosexuality as a mortal sin – something that God Himself was quick to refute in an emergency address to His believers this morning. Continue Reading

We all know what time of year it is, so without further ado, here’s our holiday installment.

Click image to see it full-size.