Posted on 27 October 2014.
Love ‘em or hate ‘em; but like death, taxes, and embarrassingly contrived and preposterous MSNBC op-eds, side-boobs are here to stay.
Yup: never mind bitterly warring and counter-warring and counter-counter-counter-owch-a-doodle-warring Social Justice Warriors on Tumblr; or Hamilton Nolan’s online privilege Olympics on Gawker.
Nah! There is only one web phenomenon sexually frustrated late-teenage and early-adult web users just can’t get enough of… side-boob.
But not everybody is down with the latest web phenomenon. For one, a fatwa from prominent Wahhabi cleric and respected intercultural communicator Patrick “Ginger” McCarthy Goodman Ibn Taymiyya, informs us:
“No good woman would even contemplate indulging in such an ungodly and depraved practice. I mean, look at my wife… well, actually you’d bloody well better NOT! Or I’ll stone the living crap out of you and everyone you know; whether known carnally or by mere pious acquaintance! … Anyway, MY wife would NEVER do that.”
Unfortunately, as regards the oh-so maliciously quote-mined fatwa above, 500 million Tumblr followers (nightly rising) (SIC!) disagree with his most exalted godliness’s statement … well, at least the bit about his wife, anyway.
(Thanks to my anonymous source, Brian K. White from Glossynews, for at least one small part of the information given above).
And the Southern Baptist Convention have shown some inter-Abrahamic solidarity, thus honoring Professor Emeritus Pat Buchanan’s famous historical hypothesis of a common Judeo-Christian-Islamic civilization stretching right from Ancient Greece and 18th century America up to the entire 7th century Middle East (and counting), with the following words:
“This one time, the Wahhabis are right. Side-boob is wicked. The Apostle tells us the Devil and wicked people are always inventing new things. You know, like microwave ovens, depraved faith-based pseudo-scientific superstitions like Darwinianism and vaccine science, wind energy (how the hell can a mere breeze provide enough energy to power a TV? You’ve got to be kidding me? They just turn the sound off to save power or what?)”
(As we live in an increasingly litigious society, I should probably point out that when I said the Southern Baptist Convention, I ACTUALLY meant the Southern Baptist Convention of Topeka, Kansas; sorry if anyone got confused and worried, and started anxiously fiddling with the crotch of their lawyer).
Still, Episcopalians are currently lacking consensus on this crucial and all-important issue™. One Despairing-True-Believer-Who Has-Had-it-up-to-Here-With-Liberal-Compromises™ educated me as follows:
Look, when they started having women priests, I thought nothing of it; well, not much; within reason, you known. Just went and smashed up a few phone boxes… well, and the odd hobo or two… well, within reason. And… gay priests? I could just about put up with it… well, with a wee bit of anger management, hours upon hours of tantric yoga mutual circle-jerking, and inevitably, popping a crapload of barbiturates 24/7.
But side-boob? This is the absolute Devil’s work, and no-one in our church has condemned it! I mean, there’s no way in hell I can stay in such a cesspool of unadulterated ecclesiastical depravity™ a moment longer!…
Actually, do you know any religions I could join which make a principled stand against side-boob?… Scientology, maybe? I hear these guys have an opinion about absolutely everything; and they don’t just bend over, kneel down, turn around and change their minds whenever someone contradicts them! Well,if THAT’S so, then they must REALLY know the truth!
On the other hand, one female priest told me:
This debate is getting way out of proportion. Most Christian authorities have opposed homosexuality and abortion, until relatively recently; the majority probably still do. And so you get dogmatically entrenched and violent fanatics on either side quoting verses and authorities to each other, roaring and screaming and attempting to prove who has The Absolute Truth™ and What The Supreme Authority ACTUALLY meant™; kinda like World of Warcraft web forums, huh?
Well, the sole exception is those Pentecostal snake-charmers, who don’t cite the Bible, but shove their ‘Private Revelations from the Lord™’ in my face. I mean, those jerks are just pretentious, self-important losers who annoy the hell out of me.
I mean, I don’t know why anyone, at any point in history, would choose to follow some devious charlatan who claimed God was speaking to THEM PERSONALLY. I mean, seriously? You’ve got to be kidding me!
BUT… as distinguished from homosexuality and abortion, there is NOTHING… absolutely NOTHING in the Bible about side-boob. I mean, I know us people on the Left Wing of the Church always say that… but this time, I REALLY mean it!™
Hmm… what do I think? Well, I can imagine an all-knowing Creator of the Universe having an opinion on war; abortion (perhaps particularly with regards to sex-selective, racially selective, disability-selective etc)… the persistence of deeply-ingrained social prejudices; narcotic abuse; not to mention selfish men who can’t keep their dick in their pants, and who decide to cut and run when their girlfriend becomes pregnant…
But when it comes to side-boob, I think he’s got better things to worry about. I mean, I think some of these guys are over-thinking these things. But then, what the Hell would I know?…
Hey, quit it! Didn’t I tell you to stop touching that lawyer!