ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) –

The Intergalactic Play Nice Force has decided to abandon Earth operations, so said District Superintendent Greg Gort today.

“The IPNF really has no interest here anymore. It’s a wind-down, could take three Earth years at the outside. Bureaucracy is a constant in the Universe. We’ll run the funding out on the Venus base, and besides, I’ve got staff members who are only flreg parsecs from full retirement. Continue Reading

HOLLISTER, California (GLossyNews) — Satan is said to be madder than hell at his minions this week after he learned that more than one, and possibly as many as eight Anti-Christs have been unleashed upon the Earth during the past century.

Harry Scarem, a demonologist from California was able to ascertain this after a particularly grueling satanic ritual over the weekend wherein Satan personally appeared for a few moments to explain the error. Said Satan, “I would have sent one of my minions, but they are all idiots.” Continue Reading

CASTRO STREET, San Fransisco, CA (GlossyNews) — The Catholic Church revealed Saturday morning that they had found one priest in Renton, Washington, whom, they say, has never committed any act of abuse or possibly any sin during his tenure as a seminary student, and throughout his preisthood.

Father Quentin O’Daily, 42, originally of Fargo, North Dakota, was paraded in front of the news media as the quintessential new model priest of the 21st Century. His background was verified by Funk and Wagnals as well as Price Waterhouse.

“He is 110 percent pure,” gleefully ejaculated Father Max Packer, Bishop of Duluth. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — Cantankerous malcontent and ex-reporter Helen Thomas, who recently had an unfortunate run-in with the Jewish-owned American media when she accidentally reminded everyone that Palestine is an occupied territory, is the latest celebrity forced to wear the scarlet letter “A.” A for Anti-Zionist. Continue Reading

Sao Paulo, Brasil (GlossyNewsSA)

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

Patrons at “Betty’s Eat-n-Greet” in Bon Temps, Louisiana voiced mixed reactions today on learning controversial religious leader Fred Phelps is at it again in their neighborhood.

Said shrimp fisherman and free lance alligator poacher John Rambo, “It’s a free country or it used to be. If they don’t like deviled eggs, don’t eat ‘em. I came back from Nam, people spit on me, called me baby killer.”

At least that’s what it sounded like the Medal of Honor winner was saying; he mumbles a lot. Local barmaid Sookie Stackhouse was more articulate when she said, “Phelps? I bet that guy’s banged too many relatives to list. It’s good he’s going after deviled eggs now. Continue Reading

Reykjavik, Iceland (GlossyNews) — Hammered by massive financial debts to Europe and Britain in particular, Iceland has come up with a hammer of its own to strike back with. Returning to its traditional religious roots and the old gods of the Norsemen, the Icelanders have invoked their wrath to aid them in their revenge on an unforgiving European economic situation that spells doom for them. Continue Reading

Lexington, VA (GlossyNews) — In a strange twist, the giant oil slick invading the Gulf Coast has blamed the capitalist pimp and preacher, known as Pat Robertson, for creating it.

“I don’t know what everyone is so upset about.“ said the humongous oil slick, when we finally caught up with it off the coast of Louisiana. “Your modern religious dogma that thinks wealth and riches are the way to heaven Continue Reading

Noplace, Ecuador (GlossyNews) — A young Christian missionary, chomping at the bit and excited that a fresh field of new pygmy souls was ripe for harvest, was distressed to find that a National Geographic photographer paid tribe members less than eight dollars each for their souls not two months before his arrival.

With Bible in tow, Christian Missionary, Jonah Thompson, was found standing in the soulless remains of a pygmy tribe outside of Ecuador, watching what looked like normal tribe activity Continue Reading

Utrecht, Holland (GlossyNews) — At the risk of raising the ire of religious straight people worldwide, Barend Hardwinkel, Gay Sexpert from Amsterdam, Netherlands has written in his new book, Move Over, Mary, that, “Yes, God is definitely gay.“

In an interview punctuated with controversy, Hardwinkel laid out his case:

“Look-I’ll make it easy for you. From day one God’s been on fire. She is very creative, which is a sure sign of gayness. Big poofy clouds, sparkly stars, sprinkly snow, outrageous sunsets Continue Reading

Russetville, KY (GlossyNews) — Voting with their fists, the students of Dick Armey Middle School in Russetville, Kentucky have elected Denny Flutcher their Jesus Figure. The results of the one-sided election were obvious last afternoon, when Jesus figure runner-up, Leo Stinsky, was seen alongside a group of other boys beating Flutcher to a pulp.

Even the teachers are in on it now that it’s in the open and the election is finally over. Most turn their back when they see the religious ceremony begin. It usually starts with a push, or maybe a kick, Continue Reading

VATICAN CITY (GlossyNews) — A leading Atheist Richard Dawkins has hinted on the possibility of suing the Pope on child abuse cover ups in the Catholic church when he was Cardinal. This revelation has not led to a proper response yet. So, while the Vatican has, thus far, ignored Dawkins and says it’s a virtual impossibility, Catholics all over the world have voiced their contempt. Continue Reading

Kingston, Jamaica (GlossyNews) — The disappearance of two Trustafarians in the jungles of Jamaica has sent a mild panic through wealthy families in the U.S., who sort of wonder where their own dreadlocked dodos might be hanging out.

A few days ago a group of lawyers from Manhattan were talking about doing something to find these 32 year old kids, but outside of a call to the U.S. Embassy in Kingston that went unanswered after 117 rings, not much else was done. A spokesman for the attorney’s group said the search was called off by the 5:00 cocktail hour. Continue Reading

SAN FRANCISCO, CA (GlossyNews) — Incensed Islamic extremists issued a fatwa early this evening against an American Muslim poodle named Crystal accused of breeding with an infidel St. Bernard named Herb. “Crystal has been seeing Herb at a local dog park on and off for several months,” said the courtesan canine’s owner, who strenuously requested anonymity. “One afternoon I lost sight of her… one thing led to another and, well, you know…” Continue Reading

VATICAN CITY (GlossyNews) — Media outlets are buzzing as sources inside the Vatican are beginning to approach the press with scandalous information about Pope Benedict XVI. Apparently several papal aides, who wish to remain anonymous, claim that the Vicar of Christ routinely uses the Lord’s name in vain. Continue Reading

VATICAN CITY (GlossyNews) — It appears that Pope Benedict XVI has had an epiphany about the sex scandal continuing to plague the Catholic Church: lack of fish in a priest’s diet can lead to inappropriate sexual behavior toward young men.

The Pope has asked the Vatican physicians to look into this possibility, explaining that because priests are no longer officially required to abstain from consuming meat on Fridays, the levels of mercury in their systems from lack of fish has dropped significantly. Continue Reading

Heaven (GlossyNews) — A major uproar has occurred in the normally peaceful and idyllic universal subdivision of Heaven, home to famous celebrities such as Jehovah, Odin, Osiris, Allah, Zeus, Ahura Mazda, God and their flunkies Buddha, Zarathustra, Moses, Mithra and, of course, Jesus. Continue Reading

ALBUQUERQUE, NM (GlossyNews) — God Almighty, sole owner and creator of the earth, has categorically denied a joint bid by Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mukesh Ambani, Lakshmi Mittal and other billionaire club members to buy the planet. Continue Reading

THE WOODLANDS, TX (GlossyNews) — With the demise of the dinosaurs millions of years ago remaining a hotbed of debate and disagreement, scientists from around the globe gathered together for a conference to determine the conclusive cause of their eradication. Continue Reading