Archive | Religionism

Catholic Church Commemorates Scientology for Beating Their Scam Record

Catholic Church Commemorates Scientology for Beating Their Scam Record

The bald-ass monkey pope from the Catholic Church in some schmancy European country commemorated the Church of Scientology this week for utterly destroying their record set since their foundation back when the bearded old man went up in the sky.

It is estimated that since the Church of Scientology is currently the popular religion, millions of little boys are at risk of getting their assholes pounded like a bunch of monkeys at the local zoo. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Religionism1 Comment

Militant Crossfit Group Claims Responsibility in Suicide Bombing of 24-Hour Fitness

Militant Crossfit Group Claims Responsibility in Suicide Bombing of 24-Hour Fitness

SAN DIEGO, CA. The brutal conflict between traditional, moderate fitness aficionados at franchise gyms and the growing radical Crossfit movement escalated tragically yesterday, as a suicide bomb exploded in a 24-Hour Fitness in the LaJolla neighborhood of San Diego, killing 5 and wounding 12.

The alleged perpetrator, Johhny “Burpee” Lawrence, 26, was a member of Crossfit Jihad, a militant fitness group known to meet in an extremist training facility, or what is called a “box” in Crossfit doctrine. Lawrence’s “box” trained in the garage of a local leader, or “coach,” Mick McAllister. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Religionism0 Comments

Jesus Look-alike Arrested for Feeding 5,000 Homeless People

Jesus Look-alike Arrested for Feeding 5,000 Homeless People

ORLANDO — A Jesus look-alike was arrested today for violating the Orlando city ordinance against feeding homeless people. Jesús Christos, 33, of Kissimmee, is now being held in Orlando City Jail.

RIGHT: Also suspected of turning water into wine for his underage friends. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com.

Orlando Police said that early yesterday afternoon Christos began speaking to a small group of twelve friends in Lake Eola park. Slowly, a crowd gathered to listen to Christos’ message of love, forgiveness and social justice. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Religionism2 Comments

“Gays of Future Past” Promotes X-rated Agenda

“Gays of Future Past” Promotes X-rated Agenda

Once again, Hollywood is seeking to undermine time-tested family values. First it was The Dark Knight Rises, featuring its new villain, Bane, as a direct attack on the Romney campaign.

Then came Frozen, with its ideals of female independence and incestuous lesbianism. Earlier this year, we had Noah, which, despite claiming to be a Biblical film, promotes vegetarianism and environmentalism as “righteous”.

Once again, the liberals are attacking us through our favorite classic superheroes in the new film, X-Men: Days of Future Past. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Religionism1 Comment

Duck Dynasty’s Robertson Slams Gay Footballer Michael Sam

Duck Dynasty’s Robertson Slams Gay Footballer Michael Sam

There were plenty of tears flowing when Michael Sam, the first openly gay football player, was drafted Saturday afternoon in the 7th round by the St. Louis Rams.

RIGHT: Phil Robertson and his latest duck call. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com.

Some were tears of joy for Sam historically breaking the rainbow colored ceiling and achieving diversity in a macho sport like football, but some were tears of sorrow for the direction even the NFL is taking in an era of inclusiveness and acceptance of the LGBT community. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism, Sports Scandals0 Comments

Study shows Men secretly Resent Women’s Phatness

Study shows Men secretly Resent Women’s Phatness

Dateline: NEW YORK—Islamic states are infamous in the West for forcing women to wear burqas, since those outer garments obscure the shape of women’s bodies and are thus odious from a feminist standpoint. Defenders of the sexist laws typically resort to theological or moral rationales, none of which is found in the Quran.

But a team of researchers at NYU has published a study explaining the behaviour as the result of men’s surprising annoyance at women for being sexy and beautiful.
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Posted in Religionism, Science0 Comments

Christians buy “What would an Iron Age yokel do?” bracelet

Christians buy “What would an Iron Age yokel do?” bracelet

Dateline: CHARLOTTE, NC—Along with its more famous line of wristbands, emblazoned with the words, “What would Jesus do?” Dollars for Jesus, a Christian merchandise company began selling a mysterious alternative, a wristband asking its wearer, “What would an Iron Age yokel do?”

Christians who are evidently hard-pressed to know how to stay true to their religion in modern societies flocked to purchase multiple copies of the new bracelet, figuring that this must be an even more incisive way of testing a Christian’s authenticity.
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Posted in Religionism4 Comments

Cosmos Show embroiled in Legal Controversy with Churches

Cosmos Show embroiled in Legal Controversy with Churches

Dateline: LOS ANGELES—Dozens of churches in the United States are collectively suing the producers of Cosmos, the reboot of the television show previously hosted by Carl Sagan, for “stealing the Christian shtick.”

The filed complaint was obtained by the press and it alleges that the first episode of the show portrays Giordano Bruno as a Christ-like figure, while the second episode sanctifies the DNA molecule.
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Posted in Religionism, Science, Television14 Comments

Arizona State Legisislature Votes To Change State Motto, Slogan

Arizona State Legisislature Votes To Change State Motto, Slogan

Giddy with the joy of Christ at successfully legalizing state sponsored endorsement of dark age phobias and insanities the Arizona State Legislature voted to to change the State slogan and motto along with other state designations and affiliations. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism20 Comments

Second Horseman of The Apocalypse Holds News Conference

Second Horseman of The Apocalypse Holds News Conference

The Second Horseman of The Apocalypse held a rare news conference at his estate today, warning that the Apocalypse Alert level may have to be raised.

The Second Horseman met with the reporters arrayed outside the gates of his secluded ranch, arriving in a red Mustang convertible matching his solid red ensemble.

Approaching the crowd with sword in hand, the Horseman created a brief panic before noting, “Opps, sorry, I forgot how jumpy you people are,” and idly tossing the sword into the backseat. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism2 Comments

Creation Museum Sets Stupidly Low Bar w/ Non-Floating Ark

Creation Museum Sets Stupidly Low Bar w/ Non-Floating Ark

Ken Ham, while unclean in name only, continues to vie valiantly for the creation of a modern day Ark to prove once and for all that the book of Genesis was written as a literal and true historical account.

But old man scam-on-the-barbie has missed too many crucial points, reality clearly the biggest among them.

Don’t let his twoingy accent fool you, he’s not sophisticated, just a regular Joe from a country with no more patience for him. But no matter. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Religionism6 Comments

Satanist Claims Satanist Not A Satanist

Satanist Claims Satanist Not A Satanist

Lucien Graves, spokesperson and Grand Goat Master for the Horned and Cloven Hoofed Tabernacle went on record yesterday claiming accused “Craigslist Dexter Killer” Miranda Morgan was just a cheap poser and a hack.

Morgan was arrested Monday in the killing of 52 year old Clam Paws after he responded to a Craigslist ad placed by Morgan offering sex for $100 from a 16 year old girl. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Society0 Comments

Popular Orca Handling Preacher Dies From Whale Bite

Popular Orca Handling Preacher Dies From Whale Bite

Cult orca handler and rider Pastor Jamie Coots died early Friday morning after being bitten in half by a killer whale during a non sanctioned religious service at Sea World. The ardent Pentecostal minister preached whales will not harm true believers if they are anointed by God. The practice is illegal in most states but still goes on primarily in cities with ocean-themed amusement parks. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism17 Comments

Jihadist Gets The 72 Virgins That He So Richly Deserves

Jihadist Gets The 72 Virgins That He So Richly Deserves

The Gates To Glory opened wide to accept young Jasheed as he entered the Jihadist Heaven he worked so hard to deserve.

His trainers had always indoctrinated him on the wonders that would await him there were he to prove himself to be a true fundamentalist patriot.

Now, his mission completed and multiple bodies torn apart by his suicide bomb including his own, he had now come to get his awards. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism0 Comments

Pope Francis Objects to Notre Dame Stadium Overhaul

Pope Francis Objects to Notre Dame Stadium Overhaul

When University of Notre Dame officials announced Wednesday that they were building a $400 million extension onto its football stadium, many were initially critical of the project’s price tag.

But one notable critic has come forward to oppose the project on moral and religious grounds. That critic is the leader of the global Catholic Church. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism2 Comments

Weed-Smoking Potlandians Debate Whether to Legalize Nicotine, Alcohol

Weed-Smoking Potlandians Debate Whether to Legalize Nicotine, Alcohol

Dateline: CANNABISTOWN, PO—In Potlandia, marijuana is legal for recreational purposes and is commonly smoked by nearly all of the adult citizens of that country, while alcohol and nicotine are banned. But the alcohol and tobacco industries regard Potlandia’s laws as discriminatory. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Religionism10 Comments

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