CARVILLE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) —

Posted by your South America (and also Caribbean) correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

We didn’t know, so we checked around. Nobody else knew either. And I’m talking smart people here? Geraldo Rivera, the internationally respected dean of semi-Latino journalists, he didn’t know.

We figured he might be messing with us, so we contacted that Nina Totebag woman from NPR? She didn’t know either. Switzerland has an Ambassador to the Bahamas! Continue Reading

CHICAGOLAND, Illinois (GlossyNews) — In a recent public appearance by Michelle Obama a child had some shocking new for the first lady. I flashed back to “Kids Say the Darndest Things” when a young girl asked the First Lady “are you going to hurt people who try and blow things up.” The First Lady responded, “That is something we have to work on.” Continue Reading

TORONTO, Ontario (GlossyNews) RCMP District Superintendent Dudley Pemberton spoke to reporters today in the wake of what’s being called ‘the Toronto atrocity.’

“First, I want to say we tried to do right. All of you who snidely imply otherwise, you don’t have your facts straight. These G20 summits, it’s horrible. Young environmentalists flying in from all over the world to chant ‘no blood for oil’ and they’re spoiling for confrontation.”

Pemberton presented a pie chart representing the demographic of G20 protesters. According to the Superintendent, they’re comprised mostly of anti-capitalists, environmentalists, and anti-globalists. Anarchists and stoners were sharply down in attendance this year, a statistic Pemberton attributed to Phish being on tour currently. Continue Reading

QUANTICO, Virginia (GlossyNews) — Word travels fast in the criminal world. Since word of Joran van der Sloot’s arrest on charges of killing a Peruvian woman, the more intriguing back story of his ability to bilk $25,000 out of the FBI by promising to tell them where Natalee Holoway’s body could be found is becoming legend among alleged murderers whose investigations are still pending Continue Reading

TEMPLE, Texas (GlossyNews) — A jury of seven men and five women are listening to eyewitness testimony in the trial of impatient businessman Ron Martin, who battered 90-year-old Doris Sloth with a bag of frozen okra after she took twenty minutes writing a check to pay for groceries at the local Super Walmart. Continue Reading

Lima, Peru (GlossyNewsSA) — Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

Slime weasel Joran van der Sloot has been handed over to Peruvian authorities, because he finally killed a chica where there wasn’t no deep water around. Wait until they get his little preppy murdering butt into Lurigancho, that’ll serve him right.

See? Our cousin Arturo was in Lurigancho over a miscarriage of justice several years back. Some evil person probably from Al Qaeda hid $75,000 and four kilos of Cocaine in the gas tank of Arturo’s ride. So we know from him what that prison is like. They have conjugal visits every day, but no girls allowed, ha ha ha. Arturo still sits down slowly! Continue Reading

Washington, DC (GlossyNews) — Investigators have uncovered a multi-trillion dollar financial fraud so massive and widespread it has victimized nearly every household in America for decades.

According to investigators the so-called “Tax Refund Pyramid” employs many of the same techniques as other financial frauds, but on a much larger scale.

“On one level, this monumental scheme simply gives people back some of the money it already collected from them,” said one investigator. “But the parent organization’s finances are so shaky it has to resort to heavy borrowing and even print its own money just to do that.” Continue Reading

Venice Beach, CA (GlossyNews) — A local homeless man arrested yesterday has been charged with grand theft auto and selling marijuana to minors, according to police. Shaggy Rogers, known only as “Shaggy” on the street, was arrested after propositioning an undercover police officer with a marijuana cigarette that he called a “Scooby snack.”

After being taken into custody, police discovered that Rogers was also wanted for stealing a van owned by his business partner Freddy Jones of Mystery, Inc.  According to the stolen vehicle report, Jones told police he and Rogers had a falling out over the decline of their business, after which he discovered his ”Mystery Machine” Van was missing along with his two dogs, Scooby and Scrappy-Doo. Continue Reading

Jackson, WY (GlossyNews)b– “Oh what an oily mess we make when kickbacks from Halliburton we do take,” should have screamed the headlines in this morning’s newspapers across the land. But alas, it was not to be. Instead, the only media outlets to pick up on the story of Halliburton’s very real involvement in the construction, and ultimate destruction, of the oil platform owned by British Petroleum were the liberal news outlets. And we know what that means…liberals are always looking for a way to bring down Dick Cheney. Continue Reading

Chicago, IL – For the third time in as many days, Chicago Police Department forensic analyst Ted Hatcher confessed to being unable to magically extract high definition pictures from damaged, out-of-focus, and low resolution images.   Hatcher’s failure was met with disbelief and disappointment by police detectives and crime scene investigators standing around him in his unreasonably dark forensics lab. Continue Reading

Bronx, NY (GlossyNews) — The world side recession surprisingly ended abruptly today after the CEO’s, Investors and Economists responsible for causing the downturn by bilking investors, gouging company finances and lying to the public were taken out and shot.

Borrowing from the Red Chinese way of shooting economic criminals, the alleged ‘Captains of Society’ were lined up against a wall and mowed down. Continue Reading

MELBOURNE, Australia (GlossyNews) — Police in Melbourne, Australia’s second largest city, were today demanding sturdier weapons as they continue their relentless beating of brown people and anyone who talks a bit funny. This coincided with the apparent revelation, that during 2006 – 2009 the Office of Police Integrity (OPI) only investigated 1 out of the 20 complaints made against police by Australians of African descent. Continue Reading

Detroit, MI (GlossyNews) — In what was considered shocking, even by Detroit standards, the beloved blue Sesame Street character today staged a bloody robbery at a suburban strip mall. No Girl Scouts were injured, but three shoppers were killed in a hail of bullets witnesses termed “confusing.”

Police declined to name the victims, pending notification of relatives, but stated the Cookie Monster made off with fourteen boxes of Tagalongs and eight boxes of Do-Si-Dos. Continue Reading

ANAHEIM, CA (GlossyNews) — On March 17, 2010, a three-year-old boy shot his father, an LAPD officer, with a service revolver. The shooting occurred in the family’s pickup truck at a traffic stop in Anaheim. Investigators are still trying to determine how the child got hold of the weapon. The father remains in critical condition. Continue Reading

MIAMI, FL (GlossyNews) — Police in Miami have released a sketch of a suspect wanted for questioning in the case of a local model found burned inside a trash bin.

The 26-year-old African American model was found last month; police used dental records to identify her. Continue Reading

NEW YORK – Once again an attorney for Lil’ Wayne has requested a postponement of the rapscallion’s jail sentencing for gun possession. The sentencing had been scheduled originally for last month, but Judge Charles H. Solomon agreed to a request for a postponement because Lil’ Wayne needed eight root canals and complex dental-implant work. This time the rapper is seeking three weeks’ grace before he begins serving a year in prison, because, his attorney revealed, he needs hemorrhoid surgery. Continue Reading

Philadelphia, PA (GlossyNews): An unnamed accused serial rapist demanded tougher gun control laws from his hospital bed in suburban Philadelphia earlier today, just hours after being admitted by police for a gun shot wound incurred while attempting to assault a local woman. Lawyers for the alleged rapist charged their client was “the real victim of this assault,” and warned that easy access to legal firearms was “[Making] committing a rape or other violent crime nearly impossible in many suburban areas.” Continue Reading

Rochester, NY – Hugh Buttnum, an inmate at the Monroe County jail in Rochester, NY, is in critical condition after a fellow inmate ripped off Buttnum’s prosthetic arm and beat him with it. Evidently, inmate J. “Johnny” Johnson was not aware that his new cell mate, Buttnum, had been fitted with a prosthetic arm when he (Johnson) threatened to “tear off Buttnum’s arm and beat him with the bloody stump.” Continue Reading