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North Korea Linked To Upsurge In UK Cycling

North Korea Linked To Upsurge In UK Cycling

Alarming new intelligence has linked North Korea to the upsurge in UK cycling. Continue Reading

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Strange Man Shoots Innocent Bystander In The Middle Of 5th Avenue In New York And Gets Away With It.

Strange Man Shoots Innocent Bystander In The Middle Of 5th Avenue In New York And Gets Away With It.

A man stood brazenly in the middle of 5th Venue yesterday and shot someone dead.

And got away with it.

To most eyes it was just another homicide in a city inured to violence. However, it had a few different twists than your usual murder. Continue Reading

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How to keep your home safe over the holidays

How to keep your home safe over the holidays

As we head into the Christmas season, many people are celebrating in that most traditional of ways: by shopping until midnight and spending money that they don’t have on presents that people don’t want. Continue Reading

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PSNI/Gardai Smash Radiostar Country Barbiturates Ring

PSNI/Gardai Smash Radiostar Country Barbiturates Ring

The Irish and British have been at each other’s throats for centuries, in a way that makes the rap grudge between Kanye West and LL Cool J look like as pointless and infantile as a mere peevish World of Warcraft endless circle-jerk of meaningless controversy. Continue Reading

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Ulster Prod Arrested for Catholicismophobia: Latest PC Hate Crime Du Jour

Ulster Prod Arrested for Catholicismophobia: Latest PC Hate Crime Du Jour

Social Justice snowflakes have now come to characterize Catholicismophobia as a hate crime. Continue Reading

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Bill Cosby, O. J. Simpson to Lecture Serial Killers on Self-Protection

Bill Cosby, O. J. Simpson to Lecture Serial Killers on Self-Protection

Following the lead of Brock Turner on how to rape someone and not get caught, fellow misunderstood master (alleged) criminals Bill Cosby and O.J. Simpson are to make a campus tour lecturing the serial killer community on how not to get in trouble. Continue Reading

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In Reaction To Most Recent Mass Shooting Gun Nuts Retaliate That Las Vegas Doesn’t Exist.

In Reaction To Most Recent Mass Shooting Gun Nuts Retaliate That Las Vegas Doesn’t Exist.

In a reaction to the almost universal condemnation of the biggest mass shooting in U.S. history, so-called ‘American’ gun nuts have retorted that the whole episode is just another great liberal hoax, and that Las Vegas doesn’t even exist. The Gun Enthusiasts Needing Obscene Calibers of Insidious Death Engines (G.E.N.O.C.I.D.E.), a firearm cult group, has stated that the whole incident is just a fabrication from the great liberal Satans that have taken over the country and want to take everyone’s guns away, so that it is easier for them to rule the place.

Incensed people who have provided the organization with documentary evidence that a place named Las Vegas really does exist, and that the shootings really did happen, have been ballyhooed by the group, insulted, condemned as Communists, anarchists, and rumormongers. They deny its existence even when presented with books, films, and photos of the iconic Western town.

“What can we say to them? No matter what proof we present, they deny that there was ever a place called Las Vegas and that the recent shootings were just a fabrication of prejudices against guns and their owners!” stated an exasperated Leonard Leftleaner, spokesman for Important Materials Providing Online Support and Sustaining Information against Big Lie Enthusiasts (I.M.P.O.S.S.I.B.L.E.). “The only time they would give us any attention was when we screened the Elvis Presley movie ‘Viva Las Vegas!’ for them. Then some of them woke up out of their somnambulism and made comments like “All right- ELVIS!” and “That place looks cool!” and “Wow, that babe Ann Margaret is HOT!!!”

Anti-gun protesters took to the streets chanting “Gun nuts live in a shell!” “NRA stands for Nuttso Radical A**holes,” and “Stick your gun barrel where the sun don’t shine, and give yourself a lead enema!”

Gun lovers made their own protest march carrying signs and shouting slogans such as “Shoot a liberal for Jesus,” “Let me give you a bullet belly-button,” and “What is the use of a gun if you don’t shoot someone with it?”

The debate over the matter was highly televised, with the usual liberal stations screaming slogans at the gun lovers; and FOX News taking its usual, although somewhat embarrassed, support of the steel gun and lead bullet affectianadoes, especially since they had aired a special a week before on the ‘City That Made Sin a Commodity’.

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Damage Limitation – The Essential Checklist For Senior Managers

Damage Limitation – The Essential Checklist For Senior Managers

There comes a day in the life of many top executives, both in the public and private sectors, when aspects of professional conduct within their organisations are exposed and interpreted by the media and public in an irrationally negative light.

Entirely normal, routine and reasonable organisational behaviour seems to periodically attract accusations such as: fraud, greed, contempt for financial regulations, a cavalier disregard for the interests of one or other sector of society – or even a total avoidance of laws in general.

Most irritating and perplexing for the poor managers subjected to such scurrilous and unjust allegations is that claims are not simply made by the ill-informed, little people. Ordinary losers cannot, after all, be expected to understand normal organisational affairs at a senior level. In addition to these plebs, simplistic, misinformed and unreasonable criticisms are frequently levelled by regulatory bodies, public enquiries, the courts, and governments.

It is of absolutely no use to respond to such institutions by pointing out that they are being stupid and pedantic and do not understand your organisation or the real world – true though this may be, it would simply provoke further antagonism.

The following checklist has therefore been devised by those with prior experience to assist senior executives when they find themselves in such an unfortunate and unenviable position.

The notes below recommended key actions and public statements for each stage of the witch hunt that an unfortunate, misunderstood top manager might have to endure.

1 – Alleged issue first exposed in a manner that cannot be ignored:

*Say that you are taking the allegations very seriously indeed.
*Immediately and strenuously deny any personal wrongdoing.
*Promise a full internal enquiry.
*If anyone has been obviously physically harmed or killed, say that safety is your number one priority.
*Stress that the customer (or service user or whoever) always comes first.
*Argue that an independent enquiry is totally unnecessary and that you are in the best position to identify the factors that may have led to misunderstandings about the matters alleged.
*Make plans to transfer as much money as possible to your untraceable, offshore accounts.
*Check expiry date of passport.

2 – Sufficient evidence of the alleged issue has emerged to make a blanket denial no longer credible:

*Say that you are appalled by what has happened and that you are determined that there should be a full and transparent process to uncover where mistakes have been made.
*Welcome any police investigation, and say that you will cooperate fully with it.
*Welcome any independent enquiry, and express certainty that your honesty and integrity will be vindicated.
*Practise looking sincere in a mirror before attending any parliamentary committee.
*Behave in relation to all questioning as if your organisation is a car that has mysteriously developed a fault. You just happened to have been driving it at the time, but you are as amazed and bewildered as any layperson about what caused the problem.
*Never try to blame anyone else, however junior, or they will point the finger back at you. Remember that a lot of your staff knew exactly what was going on. Continue to adopt, therefore, the attitude that any alleged irregularity simply arose in a mysterious, unexpected way and, as such, blame could never be attributed.
*Transfer as much money as possible to your untraceable, offshore accounts.
*Check extradition arrangements with the countries to which you might leave in a hurry.

3 – Alleged issue proven:

*Say that the final official judgement on your organisation’s behaviour was a deeply humbling experience (the Murdoch gambit – as it has come to be known).
*Admit that mistakes had been made.
*State that lessons will be learned.
*Double check that your personal assets are quite separate from any corporate funds that may be required to pay fines or compensation.
*Keep your head down for a few months until everyone has forgotten about the matter – or until another innocent colleague in a different organisation has become the victim of a similar hysterical feeding frenzy by the media, the public and official bodies.

4 – After the dust has settled:

*Simply carry on exactly as before until faced with any new set of scurrilous and unjust accusations – after all, why should you change your behaviour? You did nothing at all wrong.

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Brexit Exposes Large Scale Corruption By EU Farmers

Brexit Exposes Large Scale Corruption By EU Farmers

The UK Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) has revealed that it is investigating nearly five hundred UK farms. All the investigations relate to the illegal claiming of EU farm subsidies. Continue Reading

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Northern Proverbs: Drug ‘Em Up Like a Raet Smack’ead

Northern Proverbs: Drug ‘Em Up Like a Raet Smack’ead

Northern England has the best proverbs.
Trust me.
You’re gonna love ’em!
All these wise sayings.
Incredible!

Crack before port, is a well good snort. Continue Reading

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Vikingophobia Should Not be Tolerated?

Vikingophobia Should Not be Tolerated?

Thought experiment:

A gang of radical Neo-Pagans have formed a new religion called ‘Sons of Thor,’ and this religion allows you to carry off virgins via ‘bridal theft,’ and make them your wives; and to loot and pillage churches, synagogues, mosques and gurudwaras.

None of this is done out of hatred or malice; it’s just because Thor devotees have a different way of looking at things.

‘Live and let live,’ one of them gently assures us. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Religionism0 Comments

Don’t Ever Ever Use GoDaddy… They Do Some good, But Mostly Fraud?

Don’t Ever Ever Use GoDaddy… They Do Some good, But Mostly Fraud?

Ages ago I helped a friend make a website. Today I got a renewal notification. Apparently I’ve been paying for his site for years without noticing it. I called to shut it down, and they told me tough luck. Nope, I’m required to keep paying for it just because.

Just to be clear, GoDaddy is a fraud organization on par with AT&T or AOL back in the day, where they’d make it impossible for you to stop getting billed. Same thing. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Internets Tubes, Technology0 Comments

Hotheads’ Violence caused by Hot Climates, Study finds

Hotheads’ Violence caused by Hot Climates, Study finds

Dateline: GREENLAND—A sociobiological study from Bigwig University in Ittoqqortoormiit, Greenland shows that the areas around the world with the hottest temperatures tend to be inhabited by more aggressive, bellicose peoples, or “hotheads,” as the study calls them, while colder zones are home to more peaceful, even timid populations.

The team of scientists concludes that collective belligerence is a form of literal hot-headedness in which a screaming-hot environment transfers its heat to the human head and turns the mind into a stew of animal reactions, bypassing the brain’s rational faculties and driving the population as a whole to childish displays of wonton irrationality and brutality.

The deserts of the Middle East and Africa, along with Southeast Asia, Central America, Mexico, and the southern (Republican) United States are marked by dictatorships, perennial civil wars, gang wars, coups, chaos, rampant crime, riots, bloody uprisings, bigotry or fundamentalist lunacy.

By contrast, Canada, Alaska, the northern (Democratic) United States, and Europe are known for being sober, peaceful, and stable to the point of being infamously dull.

“It’s hard to stir up trouble,” said the team’s lead researcher, Professor Francesca Bobbins, “or to get all offended and hot-headed when there’s a foot of snow outside your door or when you know the snow will come in a matter of weeks or months. I mean literally, it’s hard to heat your head enough to sustain animal rage when it’s often super-cold out.

“But just imagine living in a desert that fries and scrambles your brains. How can you stop to think when you’re always stinking and soaking wet with sweat? Haven’t you got to take your rage out on someone, like the government or a rival sect or some other scapegoat? Mustn’t the excess heat that bubbles up in the heads of those dwelling in a humid environment be vented back into the world by some series of violent outbursts to prevent those heads from exploding?”

The researchers tested their hypothesis by observing the facial expressions and by measuring the heat steaming off of the heads of subjects who agreed just to stand for hours in the streets of altogether too-hot places, including San Antonio, Mexico City, Khartoum, Riyadh, and Bangkok. Invariably, the test subjects became increasingly agitated as the sweat streamed down their faces, dampening their shirts and messing up their underwear.

Subjects reported feeling their blood boil when strangers stopped merely to say “Hello” and were unable to concentrate when the researchers posed simple problems to them to determine whether heat negatively affects cognition.

“The sociobiologist asked me, ‘What’s two times four?’ and I swear I blanked,” recalled one test subject. “Back home in Halifax, Canada, I could have answered that with no problem, but standing there in Riyadh in that dreadful heat, my fevered brain was racing from one impulse and nonsensical notion to the next, as if the desert were boiling my neurons. All I could think was: ‘Get me the fuck out of this oppressive heat!’ And failing that, ‘Whom can I take out this aggression on?’”

As one of the researchers explained, “It’s like the difference between cold and boiling water. When water is very cold it’s frozen and so it tends to stay put, going nowhere; but when it boils, it spills out and bubbles up everywhere from the transfer of energy.”

Critics point out that the experiment was conducted in large cities, which suggests that the aggression may have been caused not by the blazing heat, but by the nearby presence of way too many people, the principle being as Sartre said, that “Hell is other people.”

The researchers replied that there are large cities in peaceful nations too, such as Toronto, Canada. What turns one large population into “placid, mousey little nobodies” and another into “a horde of raging orcs and barbarians” is largely the climate, said Professor Bobbins. “For example, the infusion of Middle Eastern immigrants into France and the UK and the conflicts this has stirred up there can be interpreted thermodynamically. The immigrants’ heads store the excess heat from their native lands and disperse it in the cooler climates of Western Europe. That transfer of heat causes social chaos.”

The report has also been criticized for failing to take into account the counterexample of Australia. Australians are known for being friendly and laid back, and yet much of that continent is as hot as anywhere else on the planet.

The researchers credit this apparent discrepancy to Australia’s British heritage. Like Canada, modern Australia was colonized by the United Kingdom. The team theorized that abundant rain can function like snow in dissuading a population from wanting to go outdoors to kick up a mighty ruckus.

“The rain-soaked temperament of Brits was passed onto Australian culture, making Aussies as tranquil and bloodless as Canadians,” said Professor Bobbins.

“As for Russia,” she continued, “while it’s true that Russians have historically preferred authoritarian rulers and been as brutal as all get-out, as in their laying waste to the Nazis, it’s notable that the soviets saw their ideology as being especially rational, even scientific. The Nazis, too, looked to science to support their social Darwinian prejudices.

“Temperature is only one factor in determining a population’s passivity or aggression, not the only one,” she conceded. “But while European and North Asian forms of violence are couched in rational or pseudoscientific terms, those forms that break out in scorching-hot zones are chaotic or primitive, showing similarities to the sort of genetic tribalism we see in other species.

“This is because the sweltering heat shuts down the cerebral cortex, leaving mainly the older, emotional and reactionary parts of the brain to steer the ship—and to pick up the pieces when those primitive forms of thinking crash the ship into a cliff.”

The team’s research has also been criticized for being flat-out racist. Professor Bobbins said in response that she “doesn’t care about skin colour. It’s not about innate differences between people, since even an annoyingly-polite Canadian will start to act like a jihadist nut job if he’s forced to live for years in a desert. Like they say in real estate, it’s ‘location, location, location.’”

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The United States Successfully Imprisons All of its Citizens

The United States Successfully Imprisons All of its Citizens

In the year 2024, the United States perfected its prison industry by imprisoning all of its citizens, including the judges, lawyers, and police.

Trials thereafter occurred within prison cells, as did all other business and family matters.
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Epic Album Dream Team: Charles Manson Joins Kanye Turbo Grafx 16 Family

Epic Album Dream Team: Charles Manson Joins Kanye Turbo Grafx 16 Family

Kanye West has once again surprised his fans and critics alike by announcing plans to collaborate with the infamous serial killer Charles Manson on an upcoming album.

Turbo Grafx 16 promises to be the most edgy and non-conformist albums yet from one of the most creative and innovative stars of rap.

Yet sadly, contrary to persistent rumours in recent times, Kanye West is not collaborating with fellow artistic geniuses Vanilla Ice and Justin Bieber.

So, it really is just Kanye ‘n’ Charles this time! Or as Kanye himself calls him: Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Music3 Comments

Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

Brexit Voters To Face Prosecution

Activists from the EU referendum Remain Campaign are continuing with plans to pursue criminal prosecutions for many of those who voted to leave the EU.

‘We do not wish to be divisive or retaliatory,’ said a spokesman for the activists, ‘but advice from our legal team confirms that many Brexit voters may be guilty of negligence – and some may be guilty of treason. We believe it to be our public duty to bring these unspeakable criminals to justice.’ Continue Reading

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