Archive | Crime

Florida Man Eats Own Face, Goes on Epic Crime Spree

Florida Man Eats Own Face, Goes on Epic Crime Spree

Daytona Beach, FL—On Thursday, Florida Man Randy Travers went on a spectacular 18-hour crime spree that included autocannibalism, first-degree arson, theft, voting fraud, and numerous other destructive acts. He is now in police custody, according to Sgt. Dale Reynolds of the Daytona Beach Police Department.

“At approximately 7:30 am Thursday morning, Florida Man took a cornucopia of substances including methamphetamine, cocaine, shark tranquilizers, ecstasy, speed, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and motor oil mixed with absinthe,” says Reynolds. Continue Reading

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Pistorius’ Defence ‘A Shot in the Dark’

Pistorius’ Defence ‘A Shot in the Dark’

A leaked document has been revealed to the press outlining Oscar Pistorius’ proposed defence arguments in his ongoing murder trial.

The legal brief describes the three main planks to his defence designed to undermine the prosecutors case.Firstly he is to claim that he ‘just really really really needed the toilet’ and to refer to expert testimony from his five doctors that being denied the ability to urinate can lead to temporary insanity otherwise referred to as ‘yellow streak psychosis’. Continue Reading

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Carnival Corporation Posts Onboard Cruise Crime Data

Carnival Corporation Posts Onboard Cruise Crime Data

In a voluntary effort to be more accountable to the public, Carnival Cruise Lines has released data about 576,727 alleged crimes reported on board their ships during the previous year.

Included in the release were 18967 incidents of public drunkenness, 42379 cases of severe obesity, 12581 noisy oxygen bottles, 87503 reports of pinhead buffet line slowing and 415297 of wearing white after labor day. Continue Reading

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Aaron Hernandez Murder Weapon Found!

Aaron Hernandez Murder Weapon Found!

Gainesville, Florida – Following the surprise release of a photo showing former New England Patriots tight end, Aaron Hernandez holding a BS-47 assault rifle, local police released a statement Wednesday that they have located the weapon used to kill Odin Lloyd on the night of June 17th.

“Mr. Hernandez had a brilliant plan that fooled investigators for months,” said Police Chief, Carl Slowind, who was credited with finding the weapon. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Sports Scandals3 Comments

Pirates Found With Dead Navy Seals on Maersk Alabama

Pirates Found With Dead Navy Seals on Maersk Alabama

Seychelles police have confirmed three deceased Ethiopian pirates were found along with two retired Navy Seal security personnel discovered dead on the Maersk Alabama this last weekend.

The three pirates carried Ethiopian passports and appeared to be dressed as Captian Jack Sparrow, Captain Hook and Lemur King “Julien” from the 2005 animated film “Madagascar”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Talky Pictures1 Comment

Judge Rejects 17-Year-Old Drunk Driver Affluenza Defense

Judge Rejects 17-Year-Old Drunk Driver Affluenza Defense

A Texas judge threw out the Affluenza defense of a 16-year-old drunk driver today claiming the boy’s family did not make enough money to qualify for that defense.

“I am sentencing this boy to three years in prison,” said Texas State District Judge Jean Boyd.

“His parents only make $65,000 per year between them. In order to qualify for the affluenza defense parents must make over $300,000 and have a cumulative net worth exceeding $3 million including property.”

The boy’s lawyer, public defender Josh Sherman, claims that despite his family’s low income, the boy has always been pampered and allowed to do whatever he wants. Continue Reading

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Tailgator Arrested!

Tailgator Arrested!

Gainesville, Florida – Police enforcement adjacent to the University of Florida announced Thursday that they made an arrest in a case brought to their attention by a concerned citizen.

The police received a 911 call Saturday morning that a disorderly tailgater was acting inappropriately due to alleged alcohol consumption and was causing a disturbance in one of the parking lots outside of the school’s football stadium. Continue Reading

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Oil Companies Have Reversed Idea Of The Spirit Of Christmas

Oil Companies Have Reversed Idea Of The Spirit Of Christmas

Oil companies, some of the wealthiest entities on earth, have somehow a skewered idea of what Christmas is supposed to be about.

This is due to their RAISING the price of gasoline for the holiday week instead of in the spirit of Christmas lowering it or at least being civil and leaving it at the pre-season rate.

But oil companies seemed to embody the spirit of Scrooge instead of the Holy Spirit and always have. Continue Reading

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Christmas Eve Massacre Leaves 15 Dead, Red-Nosed Reindeer in Custody

Christmas Eve Massacre Leaves 15 Dead, Red-Nosed Reindeer in Custody

A lone shooter killed 15 in a bloody Christmas Eve massacre at the North Pole, sparking pandemonium when he lobbed a smoke bomb into a reindeer pen and opened fire from the roof atop Santa’s workshop.

North Pole law enforcement officials said the suspect in the shooting is Rudolph L. May, though many used to laugh and call him “Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,” or “the 9th reindeer.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Kidz Zone1 Comment

StrangleCorp’s HR VP Recalls Snowden as “So-So” Applicant

StrangleCorp’s HR VP Recalls Snowden as “So-So” Applicant

StrangleCorp Press–Dec 15, 2013–Recent investigations reveal that Edward Snowden once applied for employment at the ultra-secretive company StrangleCorp before being employed by the NSA. StrangleCorp’s VP of HR May Helm recalls interviewing Edward Snowden in early 2006 and finding him, “not quite adequate” to join StrangleCorp in any capacity.

“Frankly, I thought he was an arrogant little prick without any tangible skills to speak of. Here he was telling me he was a computer wizard and he couldn’t even program around the wrist restraints. Continue Reading

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Rich Convicts Seek Out From Prison as “Affluenza” Catches On

Rich Convicts Seek Out From Prison as “Affluenza” Catches On

Keller, TX – Mockery of the justice system spread across the country today as a Texas judge sentenced Ethan Couch to 10 years probation for the murder of 4 people while driving drunk in June 2013.

Ethan, 16 at the time of the accident, had a blood alcohol level of .24 which is not only 3 times the legal limit but Ethan is also a minor.

He collided into a good Samaritan who was assisting a stranded motorist killing them on impact. Defense argued that Ethan Couch suffered from “Affluenza,” a product of a lifestyle in which money bought privilege and that there was no “rational link between actions and consequences.” Newton’s third law of motion begs to differ. Continue Reading

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Time Traveler Arrested for Killing His Grandfather

Time Traveler Arrested for Killing His Grandfather

Josh Holbecker, a 25 year old time traveler from the year 2072, was arrested this morning after traveling back in time and killing his grandfather, 22-year-old Harvard graduate student Ernest Holbecker.

Josh claims that his father, who has not yet been born, will be responsible for global catastrophe in 2071. He claims he was simply saving the world.

“My dad invented a device that would result in the deaths of 12 billion people!” Josh stated. “There’s only 500,000 people left alive and we are all in underground bunkers. But I was supposed to disappear when I killed my grandfather! What the f..k?” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Science & Technologizzy5 Comments

Gun Makers Pissed Shoop Mall Shooting Only Kills Himself

Gun Makers Pissed Shoop Mall Shooting Only Kills Himself

American Arms Manufacturers are upset that a man had the audacity to enter a mall, shoot it up, and not intentionally hit anyone else other than himself.

On Nov. 3rd 20 year old Richard Shoop entered the New Jersey Garden State Plaza Mall, shooting into the walls and ceiling but not harming anyone.

RIGHT: Garden State Plaza Mall gunman Richard Shoop’s “Explore Talent” web entry. CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE.

Police evacuated the mall and found Shoop’s body hours later, dead from a self inflicted gunshot wound.

Gun manufacturers have been ‘up in arms’ about it. Pun intended.

“What the hell is the purpose of that?” asked Joe Bullhead, spokesman for Fun Guns, a line of guns in various colors that can be easily concealed on ones person.

“He went to all that trouble and then only shot himself! If he had made a massacre there would have been a big deal about it in the media, then people would have rattled on about gun control which in turn would have sent other people scrambling to buy guns thinking they would be banned. We would have made a mint! But this guy has to go and waste such an opportunity. What an idiot!”

“This obviously was a very disturbed individual.” stated Joe Kill, a promoter of gun shows and pro gun events across the country. “He had entirely the wrong idea of what assault rifles are all about. They aren’t designed for shooting up walls and windows.

“They are meant for shooting people. Duh!!!!!!! A real psycho would have made his mark then and there. He could have done a lot for putting more guns into peoples hands and more money into our pockets, but no, he had to go and be self centered about it.”

“Using guns is for real men, not wussies.” said Tore Breakbone, a survivalist trainer who also sells ammo online. “This spineless Richard Shoop will never have an action movie made about him! He was just some punk kid who wanted to go out in a blaze of glory and fame. His blaze is more of the flickering of a wet match and his fame is to be remembered as a wet noodle of a rifleman. He should be buried in an unmarked grave for such wimpiness as that.”

Gun control advocates, being deft about the situation, wisely did not make a big issue about the Shoop incident, saying only “Good, he shot himself.” This enraged gun sellers even more, causing them even greater sales losses due to the passive reaction to the near-tragedy.

Trying to recoup their non-sales, they attempted sponsoring a pro-gun protest at the Garden State Plaza Mall itself, but failed due to a lack of interest because there were no gun control advocates to piss off, thus ruining their whole incentive.

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Fashion Police Accused of Disproportionately Targeting Blacks

Fashion Police Accused of Disproportionately Targeting Blacks

LOS ANGELES, CA – An investigation has begun into allegations that members of the fashion police have deliberately set out to target blacks during routine fashion exposes and before-and-after shots.

The announcement comes after 2,000,000 eye-witnesses reported seeing singer Beyonce attacked inside the pages of several high profile magazines earlier this month, when dozens of “highly unflattering” images of the pregnant star were allegedly exposed by fashion police. Continue Reading

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Study: Gun Advocates Commonly Cowards?

Study: Gun Advocates Commonly Cowards?

A recent study conducted by the NRA surprisingly finds instances of gun ownership are tied directly to those prone to acts of cowardice.

The study surveyed 924 gun owners and asked them a variety of questions, and included 323 non-gun owners as a control group.

When the question was asked “Would you stand up to a bully in the street?” 84% of gun owners said “yes”, but when asked if they’d do so without a gun, the number shrunk to just 14%, compared with 42% of non-gun owners. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Society18 Comments

Police credit urban fashion trend in helping to catch criminals

Police credit urban fashion trend in helping to catch criminals

For years, our nation’s law enforcement agencies have made great technological strides in their efforts to hunt down criminals. Thanks to popular shows like CSI Miami, CSI New York, CSI Las Vegas, and the lesser known CSI Akron, CSI Schenectady and CSI Terre Haute, Indiana, police in our nation’s most crime-ridden cities (have you been to Terre Haute lately? Lock your doors!) are now able to use sophisticated tools to solve perplexing crimes and track down the bad guys.

But soon our nation’s police may turn to a decidedly low tech solution to help them catch a thief, that is, if they take my expert crime-prevention counsel. I give you Exhibit A: baggy pants – preferably worn about mid-thigh – by fashion-conscious urban gang members. Continue Reading

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