Posted on 24 September 2014.
In a move causing widespread ripples of non-surprise, Nancy Pelosi has not-so-secretly used her Senatorial Privileges to unilaterally ram through a Socialist Speech Code for Californian police.
Don’t worry; obviously, this use of the previously unheard-of Senatorial Decree option is perfectly constitutional…
Because the Reps have unfairly loaded the Supreme Court with partisan judges, thus rendering the latter illegitimate and undemocratic…
And worst of all, excessively right-leaning.
Pelosi is concerned that police have been using unkind language which misrecognises and hurts the feelings of the US citizens who in earlier and more barbaric ages, (e.g. Neoliberalithic Antiquity, a few decades B.O.E/Before Obamic Era), were called “criminals.”
Obviously, the latter is the first word mentioned in the document which is now forbidden to use. Instead, police must speak of “people associated with an illegal action.”
Admittedly, there was a considerable degree of debate over whether “illegal action” was not also unduly disparaging, as “illegal” is a highly emotive term.
Still, given the constraints on Senator Pelosi’s time, including the time she had to devote to balancing her various modes of participation in the Heterosexual, Catholic, Liberal-Corporatist, Italian-American, and Political Celebrity lifestyles, there was no time to think of a better term.
Still, Pelosi helpfully reassured us:
“I have to pass the bill first; wait for me to pass it, then we all can see what is in it.
“Well, it worked for the Affordable Health Care Act, didn’t it? Who’s calling it unaffordable by now?”
Some other choice cuts include:
“Bank robbery” implies that someone is violent and may cause harm to others. Refer instead to an “unanticipated cash withdrawal.”
“Breaking and entering” implies that someone has a somehow presumptuous and imposing character. Instead, say “unexpected domestic visit, church attendance or work shift, etc.”
“Domestic violence” is a judgmental and misandrist term; police must only speak of “illicit spousal chastisement.”
One solid god-fearing Republican™ “gently advised” Pelosi to call the latter a “somewhat excessive act of marital discipline” instead, but the writ of execution Pelosi served on him (or whatever I should call that document) said that the latter was a little too misogynistic in comparison to her pet term.
“White-collar fraud,” a divisive and racially insensitive term, is now to be called “financial transaction miscommunication.”
“Rioting” is now called “not-fully-pacific act of concrete political activism.”
“Murder” is “misplaced killing.”
“Attempted murder” implies that the person in question is somehow malicious and dangerous; so now we must speak of “unsuccessful effort to conduct a misplaced killing.”
Please note, as well, that “conduct” is a more value-neutral term than “commit.”
Vandalism is now to be called “surplus damage to the surrounding civic environment.”
Also, if someone is physically assaulted on the grounds of a presumed identity, this is no longer a “hate crime,” because as your parents or teachers used to tell you, “hate is a very strong word.” Now we have to speak of “dislike crimes.” This will be more convenient for Facebook users and Pelosi’s social media lobbyists.
Actually, no-one is convicted or acquitted of crimes anymore, either. Instead, there is a “successful attribution of illegal action” (for Republicans) or even an “unsuccessful attribution” (if you are sufficiently social).
Pelosi did, however, make a principled liberal stand against calls from some previously omnipresent and achingly conspicuous small-government Republicans (who have now inexplicably dropped off the radar, along with their entire families) for new terms to fit previously unrecognised crimes…
Such as “inadequate degree of marital submission,” “exuding an excessively homosexual attitude,” or “promoting, condoning, or even provisionally entertaining insufficiently-approved-of agendas.”
Finally, there is no more right to appeal; firstly, because calling it a “right” implies that the question of whether you are entitled to it or not might be considered insulting, as it raises a doubt as to whether the entitlement might conceivably be deemed potentially illegitimate in the first place.
And secondly, “appeal” is infantilising, sexist, and ageist, because it sounds like you are the tearful widow pleading with the indifferent judge in the Bible, instead of with a progressive and humane liberal establishment.
So, instead, if you get hauled up before the judge, you have to go with the original decision; with no “right of appeal.” This is fortunate, as Pelosi is now musing on the small matter of how to ensure that the judges will always make the correct decisions in the first place.
This is quite an important matter; given that the next progressive senatorial decree will contain a framework for ensuring absolute and unconditional accountability, public spirit, and conformity to the Greater Good, the Public Interest and Our Common Humanity (Yow! TM failage!)…
Especially among unsocial businesspersons, conservative religious leaders, right-leaning educators and journalists, and backward Republican politicians. Before long, hateful and divisive right-wing politics will be no more…
Nor, in all probability, will hateful and divisive right-wingers be permitted to exist.
President Obama, however, is horrified at Pelosi’s unilateral action. He is furious at these presumptuous and unwarranted measures.
“Shit! That’s totally arbitrary and uncalled for!
“I mean, why should she have been the one to do this? Like, why didn’t I think of all this a few years ago? I mean, if I’d done that, I could’ve secured my seat on the Throne of Allah… I mean, the Throne of God…
“The Christian God, I mean… sorry, teleprompter fail.. my seat in the Oval Office, for decades to come!
“I mean, so far, I’ve only managed to bring Change; like, if I’d been given 30 or 40 years more to accomplish what Pelosi has done in this short time (she’s disappeared even more inconvenient nuisances than Hillary has!)…
“Well, in a few short decades, I’m sure I could have finally nailed all this Hope crap too!”