Archive | Crime

SCANDAL!- Many Republicans Found To Be Hooked On Koch!

SCANDAL!- Many Republicans Found To Be Hooked On Koch!

A shocking report has reached news desks throughout the country that many Republicans, especially those in great positions of responsibility, are hooked on Koch.

Koch, which first made it appearance in the 40’s, has become more virulent in recent years. It is highly addictive and those who become hooked on it quickly develop selfish, anti-social behavior.

Unlike heroin, meth or crack the user does not develop the degenerative physical attributes that readily mark the abuser as a junkie. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Politics1 Comment

Belfast Residents Finally Break Silence on 12th of July Nick Minaj Insult

Belfast Residents Finally Break Silence on 12th of July Nick Minaj Insult

Belfast residents have finally made their feelings known (as people up North undoubtedly do best) regarding a little-known sectarian atrocity from the most recent 12th of July…

When a loyalist flute band surrounded a Catholic youth club and started playing Nicki Minaj (!)

An official apology stated:

It was not actually our intention™ to play that there song, but us can appreciate that the young people might’ee thought we did. Our original intention was to play Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love,” because we wanted to make a good cross-community gesture™; I mean, everybody loves Beyoncé; that’s not a Prod or a Catholic thing, aye? Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Music, Religionism0 Comments

Local Police New Alpha Codes Fluster Criminals, Officers

Local Police New Alpha Codes Fluster Criminals, Officers

Auburn police have found a new way to keep criminals from understanding their scanner chatter for ill, but unfortunately, not one of them has yet figured out how to use it for good.

The new alpha call signs, dubbed Cool Island Breeze, has proved to be anything but cool.

The alphabet, relying heavily on words starting with sounds other than those represented by their first letters, has faced dire criticism from patrolmen in the department. Continue Reading

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Ruse of Young Border Crossers Successful for Drug Cartels

Ruse of Young Border Crossers Successful for Drug Cartels

Suspicions have arisen lately that the recent spate of Latin children coming across the southern U.S. border were no spontaneous occurrence. Darker implications have revealed themselves.

“The operation was a total success!” states Juan Cokefetcher, middle manager for the Headchoppers Cartel of Chihuahua.

“Those stupid gringos never did figure out what it was all about; that those kids coming across seeking asylum were just a ruse to distract them.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Human Interest0 Comments

American secret agents exposed by phone app?

American secret agents exposed by phone app?

A stunning announcement was made at a secret hacker conference last month to little fanfare.

An app was made available for the Android or IPhone platform that exposes the secret agents working for America’s top secret organizations.

Called “Find my Spy”, the app is supposed to find any currently employed agent by name or location. Since the announcement the app has gone viral and has reportedly been downloaded over 3 million times already in fifty seven countries so far. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Gadgets & Gizmos0 Comments

Tax Evasion As Public Policy: The AMT/Gordian Story

Tax Evasion As Public Policy: The AMT/Gordian Story

Skyrocketing health care costs are a major public policy issue. The Affordable Care Act has limited mechanisms to reign in these costs, but, really, we, the providers of health care products and services, must lead on this issue. We must innovate new, creative, and effective ways to eliminate excessive and unnecessary financial burdens.

When it comes to cutting costs, we at AMT/Gordian, consider ourselves trailblazers. Since our inception, we’ve focused on eliminating one major financial drain. Which one? Federal Income Tax. How did we cut it? We never paid any. Is that even legal? Shhhhh, don’t speak. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Crime0 Comments

Pelosi’s Socialist Speech Code, Anti-GOP Persecution

Pelosi’s Socialist Speech Code, Anti-GOP Persecution

In a move causing widespread ripples of non-surprise, Nancy Pelosi has not-so-secretly used her Senatorial Privileges to unilaterally ram through a Socialist Speech Code for Californian police.

Don’t worry; obviously, this use of the previously unheard-of Senatorial Decree option is perfectly constitutional…

Because the Reps have unfairly loaded the Supreme Court with partisan judges, thus rendering the latter illegitimate and undemocratic…

And worst of all, excessively right-leaning.

Pelosi is concerned that police have been using unkind language which misrecognises and hurts the feelings of the US citizens who in earlier and more barbaric ages, (e.g. Neoliberalithic Antiquity, a few decades B.O.E/Before Obamic Era), were called “criminals.”

Obviously, the latter is the first word mentioned in the document which is now forbidden to use. Instead, police must speak of “people associated with an illegal action.”

Admittedly, there was a considerable degree of debate over whether “illegal action” was not also unduly disparaging, as “illegal” is a highly emotive term.

Still, given the constraints on Senator Pelosi’s time, including the time she had to devote to balancing her various modes of participation in the Heterosexual, Catholic, Liberal-Corporatist, Italian-American, and Political Celebrity lifestyles, there was no time to think of a better term.

Still, Pelosi helpfully reassured us:

“I have to pass the bill first; wait for me to pass it, then we all can see what is in it.

“Well, it worked for the Affordable Health Care Act, didn’t it? Who’s calling it unaffordable by now?”

Some other choice cuts include:

“Bank robbery” implies that someone is violent and may cause harm to others. Refer instead to an “unanticipated cash withdrawal.”

“Breaking and entering” implies that someone has a somehow presumptuous and imposing character. Instead, say “unexpected domestic visit, church attendance or work shift, etc.”

“Domestic violence” is a judgmental and misandrist term; police must only speak of “illicit spousal chastisement.”

One solid god-fearing Republican™ “gently advised” Pelosi to call the latter a “somewhat excessive act of marital discipline” instead, but the writ of execution Pelosi served on him (or whatever I should call that document) said that the latter was a little too misogynistic in comparison to her pet term.

“White-collar fraud,” a divisive and racially insensitive term, is now to be called “financial transaction miscommunication.”

“Rioting” is now called “not-fully-pacific act of concrete political activism.”

“Murder” is “misplaced killing.”

“Attempted murder” implies that the person in question is somehow malicious and dangerous; so now we must speak of “unsuccessful effort to conduct a misplaced killing.”

Please note, as well, that “conduct” is a more value-neutral term than “commit.”

Vandalism is now to be called “surplus damage to the surrounding civic environment.”

Also, if someone is physically assaulted on the grounds of a presumed identity, this is no longer a “hate crime,” because as your parents or teachers used to tell you, “hate is a very strong word.” Now we have to speak of “dislike crimes.” This will be more convenient for Facebook users and Pelosi’s social media lobbyists.

Actually, no-one is convicted or acquitted of crimes anymore, either. Instead, there is a “successful attribution of illegal action” (for Republicans) or even an “unsuccessful attribution” (if you are sufficiently social).

Pelosi did, however, make a principled liberal stand against calls from some previously omnipresent and achingly conspicuous small-government Republicans (who have now inexplicably dropped off the radar, along with their entire families) for new terms to fit previously unrecognised crimes…

Such as “inadequate degree of marital submission,” “exuding an excessively homosexual attitude,” or “promoting, condoning, or even provisionally entertaining insufficiently-approved-of agendas.”

Finally, there is no more right to appeal; firstly, because calling it a “right” implies that the question of whether you are entitled to it or not might be considered insulting, as it raises a doubt as to whether the entitlement might conceivably be deemed potentially illegitimate in the first place.

And secondly, “appeal” is infantilising, sexist, and ageist, because it sounds like you are the tearful widow pleading with the indifferent judge in the Bible, instead of with a progressive and humane liberal establishment.

So, instead, if you get hauled up before the judge, you have to go with the original decision; with no “right of appeal.” This is fortunate, as Pelosi is now musing on the small matter of how to ensure that the judges will always make the correct decisions in the first place.

This is quite an important matter; given that the next progressive senatorial decree will contain a framework for ensuring absolute and unconditional accountability, public spirit, and conformity to the Greater Good, the Public Interest and Our Common Humanity (Yow! TM failage!)…

Especially among unsocial businesspersons, conservative religious leaders, right-leaning educators and journalists, and backward Republican politicians. Before long, hateful and divisive right-wing politics will be no more…

Nor, in all probability, will hateful and divisive right-wingers be permitted to exist.

President Obama, however, is horrified at Pelosi’s unilateral action. He is furious at these presumptuous and unwarranted measures.

“Shit! That’s totally arbitrary and uncalled for!

“I mean, why should she have been the one to do this? Like, why didn’t I think of all this a few years ago? I mean, if I’d done that, I could’ve secured my seat on the Throne of Allah… I mean, the Throne of God…

“The Christian God, I mean… sorry, teleprompter fail.. my seat in the Oval Office, for decades to come!

“I mean, so far, I’ve only managed to bring Change; like, if I’d been given 30 or 40 years more to accomplish what Pelosi has done in this short time (she’s disappeared even more inconvenient nuisances than Hillary has!)…

“Well, in a few short decades, I’m sure I could have finally nailed all this Hope crap too!”

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Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

One or two people might have been offended by the information included in my recent scoop on the Dalai Lama’s views on war crimes. Unfortunately, no apology or clarification from His Exalted Phatness has been forthcoming…

Instead, I have a second blunder to report (with all the wide-eyed sincerity a cynical satirical hack can muster).
Well, what is it this time?

Hmm… everybody’s favourite non-judgmental, peaceful and achingly groovy religious leader has given a word from the wise to all those bigoted, ignorant, lawless and unenlightened folks who look down on heroin dealers. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime, Religionism3 Comments

GOP End of Days Panic: Rick Perry Declares Himself the Anti-Reagan

GOP End of Days Panic: Rick Perry Declares Himself the Anti-Reagan

The GOP is getting worried about outside infiltration and even supernatural omens, as rumor has it that Rick Perry has revealed himself to aides as the literal anti-Reagan.

No need to worry about fire and brimstone, signs in the Heavens, and the standard apocalyptic phenomena which might conceivably be interpreting as heralding the end of days for some Republicans, as you’ll read.

There is a perfectly innocent (well, more-or-less innocent) explanation. Here’s what Rick has to say about the latest development in the War Against Reagan:

“Yes, it’s true. You’ve heard it. I’m the anti-Reagan. I do declare it. What does this mean? Well, Reagan began as a film star and then became more famous as a politician. But my career trajectory has gone in the opposite direction; I am a politician whose entire fame and fortune is founded on one short video from my election campaign. THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Sorry about that, it does that every couple minutes. Yes, one great video. How many Democrats can say that about their careers? Or even Republicans? How about you, Rand Paul™? Huh? You may think you are a bit special™, a cut above™, a bit different from the rest of us in the GOP™, but how many viral videos with countless parodies have you made? THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Wow, that’s really annoying, sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah. Hell, even Arnie; who is he? How many people watch Jingle all the Way, except when their kids get sick on the couch in December and you’re too drunk on Christmas spirits to care? But my media creation has stood the test of time. It doesn’t take a whole studio™ to make a video, it takes just one talented individual™. THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Not sure if I’m being Punk’d or something. Texas has a ‘tough on crime’ governor, unless you elect some soft liberal after I’m gone. It really is pretty annoying and I’m sorry how this interview must be THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Okay, again, how many Democrats or Republicans have ever achieved what I have achieved in the cinematic world? My video from that elections campaign, it’s got me, it’s got everything, an entire glorious technicolor universe of just about everything the heart could desire or contemplate: gays, the military, gays in the military™, militant gays™, educational issues, religion, politics, religious politics and the politics of religion; and did I mention gays in the military™x5,000? Phew! Wow!

“Oh, and militant gays™x10,000 too! I mean, it’s like the whole damn universe condensed into about three short minutes! Forget about Hollywood, have you ever seen a Hollywood film that is so vast and encyclopedic in its scope, yet lasts a shorter time than it takes to microwave a sandwich? Well? THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.”

I guess this means that Rick Perry always has something to fall back on. Well, if they ever make a film of Ronald Reagan, they will have to pick someone else, as it sounds like Perry is more into artsy-fartsy tableau miniatures, not mainstream stuff to be shown in standard cine-plexes.

Or he could pull a Tom Delay and go on Dancing with the Stars, or a Rod Blagojevic and take a spot on Celebrity Survivor.

With his talent for such an elevated form of cinematic production, he might even be able to continue his cinematic career in France, “le pays de la culture™”, although I guess we’d better not tell him that.

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Posted in Crime, Politics2 Comments

Serial Killer Ashamed He Used The N-Word

Serial Killer Ashamed He Used The N-Word

While cutting out individual letters from various newspapers and magazines, local serial killer Simon Thompson told Iron E-News that although he used the N-word while strangling an African American, the killing was not racially motivated.

“I don’t know what came over me,” said the delusional man who has claimed nearly two dozen victims over the past three months. “I swear that my murder spree isn’t racially motivated in any way. The slur simply came out in the heat of the moment. I know that’s no excuse, but I don’t know what else to say. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Society2 Comments

Brazilian Boy Steals Joke from Friend; Gets Publicly Hanged

Brazilian Boy Steals Joke from Friend; Gets Publicly Hanged

A young Brazilian boy, accused of stealing a simple joke from his classmate and friend, was found hanged in front of his home, a pile of human shit piled against one another.

The young boy’s mother was left crying her tears out, but none of it mattered, for the people were too busy stealing from one another and justifying them with “justice”. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, World News0 Comments

Girls Stab Friend in Honor of Slenderman; Glad it Wasn’t in the Back

Girls Stab Friend in Honor of Slenderman; Glad it Wasn’t in the Back

Two girls were arrested by the Bureau of Academic and Constitutional Owners for Niggas force for allegedly stabbing a girl after trying to prove the existence of the Photoshopped myth “Slenderman”.

When questioned by the judge, the two girls responded by stating, “Hey, at least it wasn’t in the back.”

The judge was surprised by their testimonies and decided to let them go off with a warning, only if they promised to never do it again. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Catholic Church Commemorates Scientology for Beating Their Scam Record

Catholic Church Commemorates Scientology for Beating Their Scam Record

The bald-ass monkey pope from the Catholic Church in some schmancy European country commemorated the Church of Scientology this week for utterly destroying their record set since their foundation back when the bearded old man went up in the sky.

It is estimated that since the Church of Scientology is currently the popular religion, millions of little boys are at risk of getting their assholes pounded like a bunch of monkeys at the local zoo. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Religionism1 Comment

Open Carry Texas Opens Fire, Saves Lives at San Antonio Sonic

Open Carry Texas Opens Fire, Saves Lives at San Antonio Sonic

Gun Rights Activists flaunting their 2nd Amendment rights were in the right place at the right time yesterday when they courageously exchanged gunfire in a Houston based Sonic fast food restaurant and saved several restaurant goers the fate of high cholesterol and clogged arteries. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Strange People2 Comments

Jesus Look-alike Arrested for Feeding 5,000 Homeless People

Jesus Look-alike Arrested for Feeding 5,000 Homeless People

ORLANDO — A Jesus look-alike was arrested today for violating the Orlando city ordinance against feeding homeless people. Jesús Christos, 33, of Kissimmee, is now being held in Orlando City Jail.

RIGHT: Also suspected of turning water into wine for his underage friends. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com.

Orlando Police said that early yesterday afternoon Christos began speaking to a small group of twelve friends in Lake Eola park. Slowly, a crowd gathered to listen to Christos’ message of love, forgiveness and social justice. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Religionism2 Comments

California Considers Move to Ban ‘Blonde Sluts’ After Man Goes on Rampage Because He Never Got Any

California Considers Move to Ban ‘Blonde Sluts’ After Man Goes on Rampage Because He Never Got Any

Isla Vista, CA – A delusional, 22 year-old man went on a premeditated killing spree Friday night in an attempt to get “retribution”, as he stated it, for the slight he felt humanity had given him. His hatred focused on one creature in particular: The Blonde Slut.

The Blonde Slut roams free in California and, at this time, is not on the endangered species list in that state. The latest census numbers put the population of the species in the millions. Continue Reading

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