Announcer: Equal treatment for all Americans is a fundamental principle of our Constitution. Baseball is supposed to be as American as apple pie. Serious questions have been raised about baseball’s fairness by the National Organization for Perfect Equality (NOPE). “Yucky World” talk show hosts Dick and Janey will be discussing this with NOPE spokesperson Lefty Wrightkowitz.

Janey: NOPE recently filed a class-action lawsuit against Major League Baseball for discriminating against left-handers.

Dick: Would you please explain your suit to our audience, Mr. Wrightkowitz?

Wrightkowitz: You can call me Lefty, Dick.

Dick: Alrighty, Lefty! Yuck! Yuck!

Janey: Now how did I know you were going to say that?

Dick: Extra-sensory perception?

Janey: Well, I guess smelling is a perception. What are the grounds for your case, Lefty?

Lefty: We’re suing baseball for the systematic exclusion of left-handed throwers from the positions of third base, shortstop, second base, and catcher. This is blatant discrimination and must not be allowed to continue.

Dick: Boy, it sounds like you’ve got a real good case there, Lefty.

Janey: I’m not so sure. It’s done because of the baseball diamond. You have to be able to throw right-handed to get the ball to first base the fastest.

Lefty: True, but that’s because the right-handers who started baseball set the game up backwards.

Dick: Backwards?

Lefty: How come you don’t run the bases clockwise? You deal cards clockwise. If you did run clockwise, you’d have to have left-handers at all these positions.

Janey: Yeah, but horses and greyhounds run counter-clockwise.

Lefty: They can’t tell time.

Dick: I once saw Trigger tell time with his paw.

Janey: That’s hoof, Dick.

Dick: Whatever.

Janey: So what do you want the courts to do, Lefty?

Lefty: We simply want equal justice. We want baseball to be played clockwise for the next 100 years to even out the past injustices. After that, they can switch first base with third base every other year.

Janey: I guess my great-great-grandson had better learn to be ambidextrous if he wants to play baseball.

Dick: Gee, Janey. Maybe they’ll find a cure for that before then.

Janey: Cure for what?

Dick: That disease, ambidextrous.

Janey: Dick, are you always out to lunch?

Dick: Only when I have a hot dog at the ballpark. By the way, Lefty, as a left-hander, I’ve got a pet peeve of my own.

Lefty: What’s that?

Dick: Toilet paper! What are we going to do about toilet paper?

Janey: Huh?

Dick: You know, toilet paper in public restrooms, it’s usually on the side for right-handers.

Lefty: We’ll get working on that right away, Dick.

Dick: Great! Then I won’t have to carry my own paper anymore!!

It is time to take the opportunity to take you folks in the rest of the world (besides the good old USA) and England especially to task for the formation and promoting since the 16th century this thing you call ‘European Football.

Also for the invention of the ‘hooliganism’ that so often accompanies it. God only knows somebody needs to, so I’ll take this heavy responsibility on my shoulders. In doing this I am trying to equal that great American critic and literary giant Ann Coulter.

The main gripe I have is this silliness that you dare to call football (you undoubtedly stole this name from our proud game). What a load of balderdash (I learned this word from watching British comedies)! A bunch of guys running around in skivvies (this word too) in the middle of winter!

It’s no wonder someone in your countries had to invent Fisherman’s Friend just to keep the poor boys going! You all look half naked out there on the playing field. It’s also no wonder your birth rate is going down- I can just see the sperms in your sacks screaming for mercy as they freeze to death from exposure out there on the playing field.

All you ever use in the game are your legs for crying out loud! How are you ever going to develop arm muscles when only your feet ever see any action? I can just see it now – two nations of men with an under torso like Popeye and an over-torso like Olive Oyl (These are two great American cartoon figures in case you didn’t know). What good is a game if you can’t wrap your arms around an opposing players neck and yank his head off like we do in American football? Have you ever tried to do that with your legs? One would need the dexterity of a Bolshoi Ballet star!

How does the scorekeeper keep from falling asleep when there are only two or three points made in an entire game? Is he really paid for such work? He should be made to sell beer in the bleachers in between scoring so he can pay his own way in this world just like the rest of us have to do. It’s like being on the dole, such work.

The ball is ridiculous. A painted over basketball in black and white that it looks like that crazy geometric molecule building that they have in Belgium (Is that another of the EU’s bright ideas?)
They should give the goalkeeper a cot in his little net so that he can take a snooze while he waits for the ball. He has about as much to do as a Luxembourg border guard.

One tip that I would heartily suggest is that the players wear the full uniforms with padding and helmet like our boys, and rough it up a bit. This would make it more exciting and also, when someone is hurt nobody gets upset because it covers up all the blood and the limbs that are twisted in the wrong direction. It is more anonymous when someone who is hurt has a helmet over their concaved face. One can remain more detached and impersonal over it. It also keeps the relatives of the player who are watching in the stand from getting so upset – they always think it is someone else’s boy.

Unfortunately, without radical changes, I cannot see much hope for the game. The playing fields are a terrible waste of green land. I know that you in England need all the green land you can get. It could really be used for something else, say for example to pave it over and make a parking lot for those cute little mini-cars you have, or to build something to build something really practical like a McDonalds or a Kentucky Fried Chicken, both time honored American institutions.

Now, none of these suggestions have anything to do with the fact that the EU is doing better than we are in the U.S. these days.
Absolutely nothing.
Really.
Honest, it really doesn’t.
Honest.

That is all I have to say….for now.
Thank you and remember to take my advice.

In a recent shocking turn of events the well-known genealogy site Ancestry.com has reported that they have uncovered an indisputable link between Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez and Dr. Hannibal Lecter, a man previously thought to be a fictional cannibal.

“Initially we thought we had bitten off more than we could chew,” commented Ancestry.com CEO Tim Sullivan. “We weren’t looking to sink our teeth into something this newsworthy but in the end it’s a discovery we’re excited to have made.” Continue Reading

RIO DE JANEIRO – Billions of football fans across the world are incredibly happy about the month-long distraction from serious news during the World Cup tournament.

“The fact that Russia might start invading Ukraine any minute now is simply not interesting compared to van Persie’s incredible header goal in the opening Netherlands – Spain World Cup match,” said Johan Kuiper of Amsterdam. Continue Reading

Seattle – Hope Solo, the hot goalie and star of the Team USA Soccer team, is used to swatting things away. Everything from soccer balls to guys constantly hitting on her.

But now it looks like the beauty might be taking her work home with her. The goalie was arrested this week for beating her sister and nephew after an incident at a party in her home got out of control. Continue Reading

With the hurricane centered squarely upon the Washington Red Skins, some native American tribes have seen fit to target the Red Sox, declaring them a hate-group in thier own right.

“I’ve watched the Red Sox play for years,” said Margery Margnar of Lower-Upper Boston-Adjacent. “But I never realized what a bunch of racist jerks they are.” Continue Reading

There were plenty of tears flowing when Michael Sam, the first openly gay football player, was drafted Saturday afternoon in the 7th round by the St. Louis Rams.

RIGHT: Phil Robertson and his latest duck call. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com.

Some were tears of joy for Sam historically breaking the rainbow colored ceiling and achieving diversity in a macho sport like football, but some were tears of sorrow for the direction even the NFL is taking in an era of inclusiveness and acceptance of the LGBT community. Continue Reading

Not to be shown up in this year’s NFL’s draft, Johnny Manziel, aka Johnny Football has announced that he’s gay too.

After the media frenzy over the St. Louis Rams drafting the first openly gay football player Michael Sam, Manziel attempted to grab back the spotlight by screaming to the presses, “I’m gay too!” while dining out with a beautiful brunette whom he claimed was his sister and definitely not one of his many alleged girlfriends. Continue Reading

In his first public statements and media interview, Anderson Cooper sits down with LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling.

Cooper – So Mr. Sterling, what do you think happened to Flight 370?

Sterling – When I listen to that tape, I don’t even know how I can say words like that. … I don’t know why the girl had me say those things. Continue Reading

The 2014 FIFA World Cup event will be a beneficial factor that will help Brazil with its not-so-good economy, at least that’s what Hispanic skinhead, Pitbull, had to say about it.

Hispanic, cancer man later went on to gibber on how mysteriously wallets were being stolen from foreigners. After questioned if this was the work of his 370 little, Hispanic children army, domestic violence father responded by nervously chuckling and securing the closet in which one child was hanging from a rope. Continue Reading

Churchill Downs – As the 140th running of the Kentucky Derby nears, one fact about one of the horses in the running this year is clear: ‘Uncle Sigh’ just doesn’t give a damn.

The horse is already pissed about having to shave his beard for the race but insisted on his jockey being allowed to carry his signature green cup of special tea during the race.

“I mean, I’ll race. I got no problem with that, Jack. But I’ll be damned if they’re gonna make me leave my tea cup somewhere during the race just so someone can steal it. No way, man.” Uncle Sigh remarked. Continue Reading

Dallas – In light of the lifetime ban placed upon Donald Sterling, owner of the LA Clippers, after his recent racist remarks, fans of the Dallas Cowboys football team have come together in prayer hoping their sorry-ass owner, Jerry Jones, will open his big mouth and say something that will get him banned for life too.

“This may be just the loophole we’ve been hoping for all these years!” an excited Tom Laundry exclaimed. “If that idiot could just be caught on tape one time saying something stupid we could finally rid ourselves of his massive ego and move forward as a team.” Continue Reading

Los Angeles, California – Three days after a recording emerged of Clippers Owner, Donald Sterling making racist comments set off a fury of angry reactions from past and current NBA players, an extended recording has been released involving a new victim, the breadstick.

The original recording was of Sterling talking to his girlfriend, professional model, V. Stiviano, regarding an Instagram photo she took with former NBA star, Magic Johnson. Continue Reading

Chicago – Not only has embattled owner of the LA Clippers basketball team, Donald Sterling, been banned for life from the NBA for his racist remarks, but virtually every other organization in America that is widely known by their initials have banned him as well.

The NFL, MLB, UPS, IBM, NHL, all four of the main television networks, KFC, TCBY, the BBC, ESPN, HBO, BMW, JVC, RCA, QVC, WWE and many others have vowed to never do business with the billionaire asshole ever again. Continue Reading

At a press conference in Los Angeles this morning, Donald Sterling’s wife Roachelle claimed the NBA team would be sold in a matter of days.

Sterling, 67, who changed his name from Tokowitz so his unique brand of bigotry and racism would seem more ethnically ambiguous, has been embroiled in an intense controversy over apparent recorded racist comments he made to his 24 year old paid escort, arm candy and wannabee model, V. Stiviano. Sterling didn’t approve of her posting pictures on the internet of herself with black men or bringing Magic Johnson to Clippers games.

According to the recording, Sterling had no problem with V associating with black men or even sleeping with them, but the posting of pics and being seen publicly within 100 yards of Sterling made him the butt of jokes among others of Sterling’s “culture”.

At the press conference Roachelle Sterling said “It’s apparent the NBA, fans, people of certain mixed mud colors, anti-semites and jew haters do not want Donald in basketball, so we will be going somewhere where we’ll be appreciated.”

In other sports news Redskins owner Dan Snyder issued a press release midday indicating he was selling his team to an unnamed Los Angeles buyer in a IRS approved, 1031 exchange.

Both sales were approved by NBA and NFL owners along strictly religious and ethnic lines.

In related notes the Israeli parliament has approved designating Ethiopian immigrants of dubious hebrew heritage as 3/5ths real Jew.

photo credit: Tim Noakes via photopin cc

Mesa, Arizona – Only days after the real Donovan McNabb was detained by local police enforcement, a six-foot cardboard cutout of the former NFL star continues to evade even the most physically fit officers.

“I’ve never seen him move so well,” said Officer Eugene Hall after chasing the cutout for several feet before hunching over to catch his breath.

“It’s hard to believe he never won a Super Bowl!” Added Hall, now lying on his back, struggling to remain conscious. Continue Reading