Landover, Maryland: In a decision reached last week by franchise owner Dan Snyder, The Washington Redskins will kick off the 2013-2014 season with a new name and mascot.

The official date for the name change is July 25, the same day Redskin’s summer training camp begins. Players reporting to camp will be issued jerseys displaying the new mascot, the Predator Drone.

The decision to abandon the Redskin, an image that has been a part of D.C. history since the team was founded in 1937, came after team owner Dan Snyder finally caved to pressure from Native American and left-wing activists. Continue Reading

Without realizing it, for the past month or so, the world was interested in the NBA’s regular season games. And all of the credit goes to one team: The Miami Heat.

In case you just came out of a coma, live in Antarctica, lost your short-term memory, or just came out of a coma, basketball’s reigning champions recently made history by winning 27 games in succession. Continue Reading

INDIANAPOLIS – During a routine navigation of the internet Friday, a local man’s Google search for the keywords “Oscar Pistorius murder trial” evolved over the course of 7 minutes into “Reeva Steenkamp Topless.”

Initially looking to gain up-to-the-minute news on the murder trial of South Africa’s famed special Olympian, Indianapolis man James Kinsella subconsciously clicked a related article about Pistorius’ late girlfriend Miss Steenkamp – who the athlete is accused of murdering. Continue Reading

College Basketball is great, no two ways about it. It has as much competitive spirit as any sport, athletes who will be in the big time in no time, and everything else you’d want… except compensation. John Calipari, coach at the University of Kentucky, earns a cool $4 million dollar salary. This Wildcat took his team to the final four with his amazing team. The top paid player earned a grand total of $0 between salary and product endorsements, but he made up for it with hustle. Continue Reading

ST. LOUIS – The St. Louis Cardinals made history Friday when they became the 104th American team to win the World Series. With their 6-2 victory over the Texas Rangers in game 7, The Cardinals extended the United States’ formidable record in the competition, which has only twice been won by a non-American club when the Toronto Blue Jays recorded back-to-back victories in 1992 and 1993. Continue Reading

It is time to take the opportunity to take you folks in England (and you in Scotland and Ireland too for that matter) to task on this thing you call ‘European Football’ God only knows somebody needs to, so I’ll take this heavy responsibility on my shoulders.

The main gripe I have is this silliness that you dare to call football (you undoubtedly stole this name from our proud game). What a load of balderdash (I learned this word from watching British comedies). A bunch of guys running around in skivvies (this word too) in the middle of winter! It’s no wonder someone in your countries had to invent Fisherman’s Friend just to keep the poor boys going! Continue Reading

In a stunning turn around, a spokesman finally admitted that the nation’s husbands watch women’s sports “only for the skimpy outfits.”

The statement comes as a shock from the group who has maintained a hardline “for the love of sport” stance for decades. The list of sports men watch only to ogle its participants included tennis, volleyball, gymnastics, and a surprising late addition, basketball. Continue Reading

Florida native and longtime saltwater angler, Clayton Moore, announced to friends this afternoon that, due to his recent purchase of a fly rod, he is now a better fisherman than they are.

“I’ve suspected it for a while but when I bought that fly rod it just hit me. I am without a doubt a superior angler to anyone that uses conventional tackle.” Continue Reading

Atlanta – The Center for Disease Control announced today that the terrible fever of Linsanity that swept New York City last year has finally subsided.

Doctors say they feared the disease would spread to Houston, but were relived to find the disease had not spread.

“There were legitimate fears that Linsanity would be across the country by now,” says lead lab analyst Caprice Jenkins. “After Jeremy Lin’s trade to Houston, we thought for sure we’d find it there. Not to mention, every one in this office thought he would be traded long before the deadline, obviously increasing the chances of the infection spreading to another major metropolitan area.”

RIGHT: Jeremy Lin spreads Linsanity simply by touching basketballs (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

The CDC ensured certain measures were taken to limit the potentially devastating effects of Linsanity, although some things were a happy accident.

“Thankfully the people of Houston don’t care for basketball,” explains Dr. Thomas Freiden. “Even the people who are in the Toyota Center at the same time as Jeremy Lin tend to be texting, having a conversation with those around, or eating. This results in a limited exposure to Jeremy Lin, which has reduced cases of Linsanity indefinitely.”

When asked about the possibility of future contamination, Dr. Frieden responded by saying “Absolutely. These things are bound to pop up from time to time. I’m sure the Rockets can find a better starting point guard. How do you think James Harden feels? Westbrook and Maynor for Lin? I’ve played some Harvard boys in five-on-five pick up games, and let me tell you, if Houston knows whats good for them, they’ll trade him.”

Despite Jeremy Lin’s above average numbers, and a seemingly coherent fast break system; experts say he is overpaid, and a collegiate prospect away from being on the move.

In the event of a possible trade for Jeremy Lin, the CDC reassured the public that they would be ready. What they hope for is that he will move to another city that has good basketball programs to attract him, but no media market share. Ideal places for Jeremy Lin to sink in to obscurity are Minneapolis and Milwaukee.

This Sunday is the biggest single day of the year in sports: No, I’m not talking about the Fresno Kennel Club Annual Dog Show taking place this coming Sunday – although granted, that is a very big sporting event. No, I’m talking about this Sunday’s Super Bowl between the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco 49ers. I believe it’s Super Bowl MCLXXXXVIIIVX, but I could be off by a couple I’s. Continue Reading

[Tim Jones is a regular contributor to Glossy News and has his own humor blog called View from the Bleachers. In a shocking press conference, Jones admitted to using banned performance-enhancing substances to help him write his column. Below are excerpts from that press conference.]

“This is not easy for me to admit. But the time has come for me to finally come clean. Rumors have been swirling about my behavior in recent months. And I simply could not live a lie any longer. For the first time anywhere, I need to make a public confession to all eleven of my readers: Continue Reading

A few months before the start of the Super Bowl game a few years back I returned to the part of the country I am from and made the irritating discovery that everyone there had gone nuts.

Normally Wisconsinites are the most normal people you can get, excepting of course people from Madison who many suspect escaped from the space ship that crashed at Roswell. Wisconsinites are so normal that Norman Rockwell could have painted a whole series of works on them alone. Continue Reading

CHICAGO, IL – In an open and honest interview with Oprah Winfrey, disgraced former cyclist Lance Armstrong admitted to doping and apologized to fellow professionals and his supporters for getting found out.

During the interview, the first part of which was screened Thursday on the Oprah Winfrey Network, a remorseful Mr. Armstrong insisted that his decision not to sue The United States Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) for making doping claims against him is something he “highly regrets.” Continue Reading

Toledo, Ohio- Sunday night, NFL history was made again when the first set of brothers who are head coaches face off in Super Bowl XLVII. Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the San Fransisco 49ers and John Harbaugh, head coach of the Baltimore Ravens will meet in New Orleans with the love and support of all their fans, that is, except their mother.

Jackie Harbaugh, mother of the two history making coaches explains how she “never much cared for football.”

“They were always so smart,” she continues.

“Why couldn’t they be the most successful bother-doctors, or open up a law firm. Harbaugh and Harbaugh, they play hardball. That would make such a great commercial.”

RIGHT: The Harbaugh brothers have refused to look eachother in the eyes until one can taunt the other (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

When asked about his wife’s disappointment, Jim and John’s father Jack Harbaugh said, “Eh, you know women. Always nagging, am I right. Hey, let me show you some of my trophies from my playing career, I’ve got some pretty good ones. You know, I was a coach too.”

When asked about which team she would be rooting for, she told reporters “I don’t even know what teams are in the super bowl.”

Sports analysts say that this could make the brothers’ competition for their mother’s affection more prominent than any time before.

“Thanksgiving was already tense enough, I’m not sure what the added pressure from the biggest game of the year will bring,” says sports reporter Woody Paige.

All football experts are saying that the number one x factor of this game will be which son loves his mom more, and is willing to get her attention.

“You know, Judy Beakman, this woman who lives down the street from me. One of her sons is the top insurance salesman in all of Toledo. His face is on the park bench.” Jackie Harbaugh tells the Associated Press. “Her other son, well. I don’t want to sound too star struck, but I actually met him. He is the guy who almost won Biggest Loser last season. Oh I was so excited.”

In a surprise verdict in Stoughton District Court yesterday, Alessa Maslansky, 47, of Canton, Massachusetts, was found not guilty of charges relating to fitting her neighbour’s dog with a shock collar in an effort to prevent what she called ‘its incessant barking’. Continue reading

Greetings dear Readers!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to the advice of what later turned out to be a con artist, this article was not reviewed for publication prior to the end of days deadline. We had been assured that the world was ending, and as such we ceased editorial efforts and all got hooked on heroine instead.

As a result, this article is coming out late, my skin itches and I think I need to take that thin film of skin off my eye. I haven't decided yet.]

As we all know the legendary 21st of December is almost upon us which means that according to the Mayan Calendar tomorrow we are all going to croak in horrible ways.

On behalf of myself and the rest of the Glossy News staff I just wanted to take this time to say thanks to all our readers and that it has been a fun ride. You have been a swell audience and we have certainly had some fun laughs together. Continue Reading