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Marathon Winner Interrogated over Questions about his “Bread & Butter”

Marathon Winner Interrogated over Questions about his “Bread & Butter”

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – Officials overseeing the 31st Annual Bread N’ Basket Marathon held in downtown Philadelphia had several routine questions for this year’s winner, Breddie Murphy, after the 24-year-old won the race in a record time of 3 baskets and 7 sticks or 1 hour and 23 minutes, beating the previous record set by David Bredderman by almost 2 sticks or approximately 13 minutes.

“We question the winner of this prestigiously delicious race every year,” said lead official, Henry Bredgardener. Continue Reading

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Redskins Rebranded

Redskins Rebranded

To settle the festering controversy over the name of the Washington, D. C. football team – the Redskins – the team announced today that they are changing their logo to a red skinned potato. This allows the team to continue calling itself the Redskins, while only needing to alter their branding.

Team owner Dan Snyder, won made his money as a marketing mogul, has demonstrated that he hasn’t lost his flair.

“Reflecting on the events of the past year during Yom Kippur I came to the decision to end the strife between Native Americans and our team,” Snyder said in a statement released before tonight’s game against the Seattle Seahawks, “and we are now honoring a foundational starch in the American diet – native or not.”

In an agreement with the Idaho Potato Commission the team will be granted exclusive rights to the groups’ iconic Spuddy Buddy mascot.

As part of the logo’s introduction FedEx Field’s stadium food vendors will be featuring German potato salad and roasted red potatoes on their menus. French fries, however, will continue to be made from the traditional russets.

Controversy has dogged the team in recent years as Native American tribes have protested against what they call a racist stereotype. In recent weeks even some US Congresspersons, whose jurisdiction includes the District of Columbia, have called on the team to change its name. Native American tribal leaders contacted all expressed satisfaction that the situation had been resolved, and they would now be turning their attention to Kansas City.

Similarly, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell praised ownership’s out-of-the-box thinking to successfully resolve the problem with peaceful means, something that the league’s players seem to have more trouble with.

The new mascot, affectionately known as Spud, will make his debut on the field at this evening’s game.

Joe Kale, spokesman for the American Potato Growers Association, said the team has the support of potato farmers of all varieties, and will be considering future promotional tie-ins. “The nutritional value of potatoes has always been important in football player’s diets and this re-branding really demonstrates that”, he said, “and with Dan’s creative mind we will come up with many new ways to integrate potatoes into the team’s routine.” To start with, a load of 100 pound bags of new red potatoes were delivered to the Redskins training facilities to use in stair climb exercises. Can potato-shaped dumbbells be far behind?

Even the North American Vegetarian Society offered their support for the change. The Northwest Potato Coop, however, opined that the Yukon Golds, a Canadian hockey team they sponsor, was looking closely at the mascot to be sure there was no trademark infringement. “We want to be sure that there are no golds mixed in with the reds.”

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Ray Rice Condemns Couple for Wasting Produce

Ray Rice Condemns Couple for Wasting Produce

Baltimore, Maryland – “That’s not the foundation for a healthy relationship,” suspended NFL running back, Ray Rice, shouted to the media from his front doorstep, Friday morning, moments after seeing video footage of a couple in his own neighborhood discarding spoiled fruits and vegetables.

“Man, that couple needs a FoodSaver vacuum, stat!” Rice added, while shaking his hand loose after knocking out his 102-year-old blind neighbor because she told him that he was not as fast as he used to be. Continue Reading

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Announcing a new, politically correct name for the Washington Redskins

Announcing a new, politically correct name for the Washington Redskins

Lately, all the media attention about the NFL has centered on the issue of domestic abuse. But long before that issue grabbed the headlines, another controversy had been building for months, even years: The often emotional debate over the name of the NFL team located in our nation’s capital: The Washington Redskins.

A tiny fringe group of annoyingly sensitive people, including 35 Native American tribes and more than 50 organizations that represent various groups of Native Americans, seem to think the term “redskin” is an offensive stereotype that stirs images of primitive, angry, bloodthirsty savages screaming menacingly and wishing to annihilate their enemy – in other words, acting like a typical Washington Redskins fan. And they are demanding that billionaire team owner Daniel Marc Snyder change the name to something less offensive – say, the Washington Camel Jockeys. Continue Reading

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Adrian Peterson: “I Discipline My Children with Breadsticks”

Adrian Peterson: “I Discipline My Children with Breadsticks”

Minneapolis, Minnesota – Adrian Peterson has finally shed some light on the child abuse case brought against him last week that led to him being placed on the NFL’s exempt list.

“To be extremely blunt, I have always disciplined my kids by beating them with breadsticks,” Peterson said Wednesday afternoon at a news conference inside TCF Bank Stadium.

“Why do I choose breadsticks over a more lethal object? Because of their soft, buttery makeup, which is much gentler on the skin,” added Peterson before demonstrating his technique in front of the 200 people in attendance. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Sports Scandals3 Comments

Roger Goodell Diverts Media’s Attention at News Conference

Roger Goodell Diverts Media’s Attention at News Conference

New York, NY – All eyes were focused on Roger Goodell Wednesday afternoon as the National Football League’s Commissioner was expected to address the media regarding his alleged awareness of the video featuring Ray Rice striking his future wife, Janay Palmer, prior to it being leaked by the celebrity news website, TMZ, late last week.

“I would like to start this conference by addressing a much more serious issue regarding an endangered species, the breadstick,” said Goodell, while holding a basket of warm, buttery breadsticks that he distributed to everyone in attendance. Continue Reading

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St. Louis Rams Cut Michael Sam for Being “Not Gay Enough”

St. Louis Rams Cut Michael Sam for Being “Not Gay Enough”

ST. LOUIS – In a statement released today by St. Louis Rams Head Coach Jeff Fischer, defensive end Michael Sam did not make the latest round of roster cuts because of his apparent lack of homosexual tendencies.

“Honestly, as a team, we wanted to show the world that the National Football League was ready for an openly gay player,” said Fischer.

“But with a less-than-expected amount of what one would consider ‘typical gay behavior,’ Michael Sam just was not our guy.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports, Sportsfolk1 Comment

Hillary is Not Bad at Basketball. Period. But She WILL be President

Hillary is Not Bad at Basketball. Period. But She WILL be President

Rachel Maddow of the left-leaning news network™ MSNBC has defended Hillary Clinton from malicious and false conservative allegations™ that she is bad at basketball. See this transcript:

“The enemies of the Democratic Party™, is there any depths to which they will not stoop™ to insult this woman with malicious and self-evidently false™, I mean absolutely ridiculously implausible allegations™?

“I believe if Hillary Clinton were a man, no-one would ever criticize her in this way™.

“I mean, she goes to a school to talk to the kids, misses a few hoops, and Republican trolls descend upon her like vultures, accusing her of bad faith when she actually correctly confirmed in her interview with me™ that she is quite the basketball player.

“Yes, all right, just have a look at this pic™ of Hillary being confronted by these people… and this twitter footage™… unbelievable, isn’t it™? You know, I have a suspicion™ that this school set the basketball hoop deliberately high, so that she would miss it.

“Worse than a glass ceiling, huh? You know, I’m not going to say for sure™, I mean there sure are a lot of Republicans in that State, and I guess I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions™. I guess this is a country where a certain kind of woman™…. Huh-huh!… like Palin or Bachmann, are permitted to thrive and prosper, but successful and talented women like Clinton™ go to the wall.

“By the way, people are saying that Elizabeth Warren is much better™, but I really… you know I really wish people would shut up about this other woman Elizabeth Warren™. You know, seriously dude… Hillary for President™… you know it makes sense!™ Oh… oh my gosh, sorry, I didn’t mean to™ explicitly endorse a possible future presidential candidate… my bad!™ Guess that’s media objectivity™ for you!”

Future opinion polls will determine what effect Maddow’s inadvertent endorsement™ of Clinton might have.

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Posted in Politics, Sportsfolk0 Comments

Tony Stewart Kills Fellow Driver, Boosting NASCAR Ratings

Tony Stewart Kills Fellow Driver, Boosting NASCAR Ratings

Saturday night NASCAR icon Tony Stewart single-handedly quadrupled NASCAR’s slumping television ratings when he hit and killed Kevin Ward Jr in a Sprint Car race at Canandaigua Motorsports Park in upstate New York.

Ward, 20, had been run into the wall by Stewart the lap before, wrecking his #13 Sprint car and in a jealous rage, Ward confronted Stewart’s car on foot, wagging a very intimidating finger at the former NASCAR champion.

One car swerved to avoid the irate driver but Stewart didn’t miss his target, striking the 20-year-old and dragging him several feet to his death. Continue Reading

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Billy Beane in attempted trade for Trout: “F*** it”

Billy Beane in attempted trade for Trout: “F*** it”

ANAHEIM – This morning, general manager Billy Beane of the Oakland Athletics attempted the trade of a lifetime.

Jerry Dipoto, GM of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, tells source that Beane contacted him in the early hours of the morning with an offer he “couldn’t refuse.”

Beane called the Dipoto home around 4am and told the former pitcher “F*** it. I’m ready.” He then allegedly tried to offer up the entire 2014 Oakland Athletics roster in exchange for Angels marquee player, Mike Trout. Continue Reading

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Sports Channel Scrapes Bottom, Covers Mini Golf

Sports Channel Scrapes Bottom, Covers Mini Golf

There’s nothing elegant about a three-year-old putting madly at a ball he can’t seem to square up on, but it seems one channel has gone the extra mile by making him an internet sensation.

The golfer in question is a young man named Max, and apparently it’s short for Maximum Putt Swings, because this kid is a hacker on the highest order, and his swing isn’t merely unrefined, but refreshingly wild. Continue Reading

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Sportsfolk0 Comments

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Left-handers suing Major League Baseball

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Left-handers suing Major League Baseball

Announcer: Equal treatment for all Americans is a fundamental principle of our Constitution. Baseball is supposed to be as American as apple pie. Serious questions have been raised about baseball’s fairness by the National Organization for Perfect Equality (NOPE). “Yucky World” talk show hosts Dick and Janey will be discussing this with NOPE spokesperson Lefty Wrightkowitz.

Janey: NOPE recently filed a class-action lawsuit against Major League Baseball for discriminating against left-handers.

Dick: Would you please explain your suit to our audience, Mr. Wrightkowitz?

Wrightkowitz: You can call me Lefty, Dick.

Dick: Alrighty, Lefty! Yuck! Yuck!

Janey: Now how did I know you were going to say that?

Dick: Extra-sensory perception?

Janey: Well, I guess smelling is a perception. What are the grounds for your case, Lefty?

Lefty: We’re suing baseball for the systematic exclusion of left-handed throwers from the positions of third base, shortstop, second base, and catcher. This is blatant discrimination and must not be allowed to continue.

Dick: Boy, it sounds like you’ve got a real good case there, Lefty.

Janey: I’m not so sure. It’s done because of the baseball diamond. You have to be able to throw right-handed to get the ball to first base the fastest.

Lefty: True, but that’s because the right-handers who started baseball set the game up backwards.

Dick: Backwards?

Lefty: How come you don’t run the bases clockwise? You deal cards clockwise. If you did run clockwise, you’d have to have left-handers at all these positions.

Janey: Yeah, but horses and greyhounds run counter-clockwise.

Lefty: They can’t tell time.

Dick: I once saw Trigger tell time with his paw.

Janey: That’s hoof, Dick.

Dick: Whatever.

Janey: So what do you want the courts to do, Lefty?

Lefty: We simply want equal justice. We want baseball to be played clockwise for the next 100 years to even out the past injustices. After that, they can switch first base with third base every other year.

Janey: I guess my great-great-grandson had better learn to be ambidextrous if he wants to play baseball.

Dick: Gee, Janey. Maybe they’ll find a cure for that before then.

Janey: Cure for what?

Dick: That disease, ambidextrous.

Janey: Dick, are you always out to lunch?

Dick: Only when I have a hot dog at the ballpark. By the way, Lefty, as a left-hander, I’ve got a pet peeve of my own.

Lefty: What’s that?

Dick: Toilet paper! What are we going to do about toilet paper?

Janey: Huh?

Dick: You know, toilet paper in public restrooms, it’s usually on the side for right-handers.

Lefty: We’ll get working on that right away, Dick.

Dick: Great! Then I won’t have to carry my own paper anymore!!

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An American’s Comment On All The Balderdash Surrounding Soccer’s World Cup In Brazil.

An American’s Comment On All The Balderdash Surrounding Soccer’s World Cup In Brazil.

It is time to take the opportunity to take you folks in the rest of the world (besides the good old USA) and England especially to task for the formation and promoting since the 16th century this thing you call ‘European Football.

Also for the invention of the ‘hooliganism’ that so often accompanies it. God only knows somebody needs to, so I’ll take this heavy responsibility on my shoulders. In doing this I am trying to equal that great American critic and literary giant Ann Coulter.

The main gripe I have is this silliness that you dare to call football (you undoubtedly stole this name from our proud game). What a load of balderdash (I learned this word from watching British comedies)! A bunch of guys running around in skivvies (this word too) in the middle of winter!

It’s no wonder someone in your countries had to invent Fisherman’s Friend just to keep the poor boys going! You all look half naked out there on the playing field. It’s also no wonder your birth rate is going down- I can just see the sperms in your sacks screaming for mercy as they freeze to death from exposure out there on the playing field.

All you ever use in the game are your legs for crying out loud! How are you ever going to develop arm muscles when only your feet ever see any action? I can just see it now – two nations of men with an under torso like Popeye and an over-torso like Olive Oyl (These are two great American cartoon figures in case you didn’t know). What good is a game if you can’t wrap your arms around an opposing players neck and yank his head off like we do in American football? Have you ever tried to do that with your legs? One would need the dexterity of a Bolshoi Ballet star!

How does the scorekeeper keep from falling asleep when there are only two or three points made in an entire game? Is he really paid for such work? He should be made to sell beer in the bleachers in between scoring so he can pay his own way in this world just like the rest of us have to do. It’s like being on the dole, such work.

The ball is ridiculous. A painted over basketball in black and white that it looks like that crazy geometric molecule building that they have in Belgium (Is that another of the EU’s bright ideas?)
They should give the goalkeeper a cot in his little net so that he can take a snooze while he waits for the ball. He has about as much to do as a Luxembourg border guard.

One tip that I would heartily suggest is that the players wear the full uniforms with padding and helmet like our boys, and rough it up a bit. This would make it more exciting and also, when someone is hurt nobody gets upset because it covers up all the blood and the limbs that are twisted in the wrong direction. It is more anonymous when someone who is hurt has a helmet over their concaved face. One can remain more detached and impersonal over it. It also keeps the relatives of the player who are watching in the stand from getting so upset – they always think it is someone else’s boy.

Unfortunately, without radical changes, I cannot see much hope for the game. The playing fields are a terrible waste of green land. I know that you in England need all the green land you can get. It could really be used for something else, say for example to pave it over and make a parking lot for those cute little mini-cars you have, or to build something to build something really practical like a McDonalds or a Kentucky Fried Chicken, both time honored American institutions.

Now, none of these suggestions have anything to do with the fact that the EU is doing better than we are in the U.S. these days.
Absolutely nothing.
Really.
Honest, it really doesn’t.
Honest.

That is all I have to say….for now.
Thank you and remember to take my advice.

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Breaking: Genealogy Site Proves Link Between Suarez and Dr. Lecter

Breaking: Genealogy Site Proves Link Between Suarez and Dr. Lecter

In a recent shocking turn of events the well-known genealogy site Ancestry.com has reported that they have uncovered an indisputable link between Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez and Dr. Hannibal Lecter, a man previously thought to be a fictional cannibal.

“Initially we thought we had bitten off more than we could chew,” commented Ancestry.com CEO Tim Sullivan. “We weren’t looking to sink our teeth into something this newsworthy but in the end it’s a discovery we’re excited to have made.” Continue Reading

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Billions Happy During World Cup

Billions Happy During World Cup

RIO DE JANEIRO – Billions of football fans across the world are incredibly happy about the month-long distraction from serious news during the World Cup tournament.

“The fact that Russia might start invading Ukraine any minute now is simply not interesting compared to van Persie’s incredible header goal in the opening Netherlands – Spain World Cup match,” said Johan Kuiper of Amsterdam. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Sports Events1 Comment

Hope Solo, US Women’s Soccer Goalie, Can’t Stop Slapping Things Down

Hope Solo, US Women’s Soccer Goalie, Can’t Stop Slapping Things Down

Seattle – Hope Solo, the hot goalie and star of the Team USA Soccer team, is used to swatting things away. Everything from soccer balls to guys constantly hitting on her.

But now it looks like the beauty might be taking her work home with her. The goalie was arrested this week for beating her sister and nephew after an incident at a party in her home got out of control. Continue Reading

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