Denizens of the universe have apparently discovered a favorite new sport. Called “Random Pointlessness”, or RP for short, this sport involves a fair amount of hard work and sweat, but nothing remotely resembling intelligence.

Random Pointlessness was invented in Pennsylvania where it quickly surpassed football as the most boring thing to watch on television. Inevitably, RP’s unmatched lack of purpose caused it to quickly become the dominant staple of American entertainment. Continue Reading

Hollywoodland, CA (GlossySports) — ESPN’s latest NFL mock draft surprises many draft pundits, but it comes as absolutely no surprise to football analyst Mel Kiper, Jr.

Speaking to reporters earlier today, he defended his latest top draft pick projection. Continue Reading

MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) fighter Dennis “Superman” Hallman caused quite a stir Saturday night when he walked into the UFC ring wearing a too-tight pair of Speedo trucks to take on opponent Brian Ebersole.

UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) President Dana White claims later he was totally embarrassed watching the fight with, as he put it “Hallman’s junk practically in my face.” In fact, he was so offended that after Ebersole beat Hallman in the fight, White rewarded him (Ebersole) with a $70,000 bonus for “getting those horrific shorts out of the ring.” Continue Reading

Rock Climbing: A Sport for the Daring And the Deranged – Part I

Life is not interesting enough for some people, so they come up with sports like rock climbing to compensate for it. Rock climbing is the sport where people (many of whom have not fully advanced on the scale of total human evolution, still possessing more of the simian attributes for climbing, not to mention they are hairy as hell) climb up rocks, ie. BIG rocks like MOUNTAINS) on skimpy ropes that resemble oversized clotheslines. Continue Reading

GREENBAY, WI (GlossyNews) — In a surprising and unexpected career move, Brett Favre officially announced today that he is retiring from fatherhood.

“Since I have returned to the game I love, my attention will be shifting away from my family and back to football,” Favre told reporters during a mandatory practice earlier today. Continue Reading

Today, the front office of the Pittsburgh Pirates made a formal apology to Major League Baseball and all of its fans for having such a successful 2011 season so far.

“We’re ashamed to say that, this year, we haven’t done a good job sticking to our reputation of finishing in last place in the division,” manager Clint Hurdle said in a press conference. Continue Reading

Rep. Anthony Weiner decided to finally show off his results using P90X, the popular workout program that uses “muscle confusion” to go from regular to ripped in just 90 days.

Following in the the footsteps of fellow congressman Christopher Lee, who used the program himself to achieve amazing results, Rep. Weiner decided to take the plunge and use the revolutionary system of 12 sweat-inducing, muscle-pumping exercises to finally get the six-pack he’d always wanted. Continue Reading

NEW YORK, NY. GlossyNews.com – Rep. Anthony Weiner has aroused more suspicion today by neither confirming nor denying that the crotch in question is his, and reiterated his opinion that the incident is, “a distraction, and nothing more than a silly prank by someone who probably goes by a name like Willy or Wang.”

The lewd photo, which was originally posted on the pecker sharing site yhorntoad.com, was sent via Mr. Weiner’s Twitter feed to a female 21 year old college student in Bellingham, WA. Continue Reading

When Brett Favre recently announced his retirement from football (again), speculation began almost immediately that he would finally be coaxed into making his long-anticipated return to Hollywood.

For years, fans and film critics have urged the multi-talented Favre to hang up his shoulder pads and concentrate on his blossoming acting career. But his fruitless pursuit of another Super Bowl ring delayed his transition from an aging NFL quarterback to an A-list movie actor. That is, until now. Continue Reading

Do you struggle to understand the meaning of life? Worried your bladder will explode while riding an elevator? Scratching an itchy ear with a paper clip (quite frankly, who hasn’t)? Then there’s an event happening nearby that’ll make your scalp tingle. It’s the 2011 Arena Football League (AFL) season. Continue Reading

It was a heinous act; too vile and too great for our minds to even truly comprehend.

Lady Liberty, our much beloved symbol of America, was assaulted and callously violated today in an attack that has left the nation breathless with shock and disbelief. In a rape in which she was violated by those she had trusted and put confidence in, she was taken advantage of in ways that only lustful and disreputable minds could think of. Continue Reading

Despite the fact that you hate the cold, hate putting on piles of clothing and hate rocketing yourself off a mountain at the speed of sound because it could possibly kill you, you still have to look cool for your friends. Snowboarding is a great way to accomplish all that. So, if you must take up the sport, here are a few tips that may help you survive.

First you’ll need to get yourself a deathboar….uh snowboard. This is a layered fiberglass board that has been specially processed and curved to look super cool and get down a mountain super fast. Continue Reading

Local man, Clive McNeish, revealed today how fortunate he feels being paid a reasonable annual salary for just two hours work a week as a professional squash player. This leaves a full 38 hours a week free for McNeish to indulge himself in his unusual hobby of data entry at Drudge Corp. Continue Reading

A nation reels in shock as it realizes that Socialists have won the beloved American institution called the Super Bowl. Beating the genuinely capitalistic Pittsburgh Steelers by a 31 to 24 margin, the Green Bay Packers won the game that is at the heart of all things American.

Not letting on that they are an entity entirely owned by the people of Green Bay and not a corporation owned organization as are most football teams, the Socialist Packers have managed to ingratiate themselves deeply into the nations social fabric, psyches and pocketbooks over the years. This unusual partnership is a leftover from the early days of football when teams were sponsored and subsidized by the local community.

These were also the days before the public was made aware of the dangers of such Socialization by such stalwartly patriotic individuals and organizations as FOX News, Newt Gingrich, J. Edgar Hoover and the soon to be canonized Ronald Reagan. So canny was their rise in the public light that their semi-communist ways successfully slithered under the ever observant severe scrutiny of anti-Bolshevik demigods Hoover and Reagan.

Now this insidiously virulent form of anti-Capitalism is being celebrated through the most beloved sports event in America and being splashed jubilantly across every media venue possible, even the archly conservative FOX News.

FOX News, the sponsors of the Super Bowl, were embarrassed by their oversight. “Umm….mumbled Glenn Beck, “Well they do sell sweatshirts and pennants. That makes them sort of capitalistic.”

“At the price of their tickets I would say they are true blooded, patriotic, money sucking, all American gougers!” added Sean Hannity.

Others had harder things to say- “They should be packed up on the same Viking ship that brought them over and taken back to their Communist European homeland!” states Sarah Palin, official spokeswench (in her eyes anyway) for all things Conservative. “It is a horrible travesty for these social parasites to receive the adulation and money that they do from the American public.”

“They are not like me and my daughter Bristol who go around the country and work hard flappin’ our gums about bein’ patriotic and not getting knocked up!” It has been noted that Mrs. Palin has added her notorious cross-hair symbol over the town of Green Bay as being another target for Republicans to shoot for in the next election.

Newt Gingrich, lead miscreant of the Republican party voiced his concerns as well- “Football is a historic and time honored American institution which we cannot allow to be impregnated by dangerous Bolshevik foreign ideas such as Socialism. The Green Bay Packers need to be brought back into the fold by being taken over by a good, patriotic corporation such as AIG or Merrill Lynch or Goldman Sachs or one of our other fine, democratic capitalistic enterprises.”

“We can not have such a high profile group like the Packers being ‘owned by the people’ for God’s sake. If they will not do this, then I suggest sending in the National Guard to take control and letting them run things until a proper buyer could be found. We might consider moving the Packers to a more Red state for future games; Wisconsin has always been a pretty Commie state to begin with.”

“I personally think Illinois could use another team.” After making this statement Mr. Gingrich was informed by the FBI that a huge contingent of outraged Wisconsin hunters were heading out to use him as target practice.

Glossy tried to contact Green Bay officials to verify parts of this story but unfortunately the entire state of Wisconsin was too drunk to answer our calls.

Thousands of Steelers and Packers fans found it almost impossible to get to Arlington, Texas for the Super Bowl game to be played on Sunday. Some are telling travel hell stories straight from the play books of the comedy film “Planes, Trains and Automobiles. One weary traveler stranded at Columbus International Airport Friday night was overheard telling his wife, “We’d have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak.” Continue Reading

Those who follow NFL apparently know who Dwight Freeney is, even if most of America, and the landlord on his recording studio, haven’t heard a peep from him. He’s being sued for $422,150 in back rent on the studio, a sum as absurd as the idea that he should have such a facility in the first place.

TMZ obtained a copy of the lawsuit. It alleges that Freeney agreed to pay $37,500 in monthly rent for two floors in the famous Edmonds Tower building in Hollywood. Continue Reading