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Andy Tate & Louis Van Gaal Respond to Latest Glazer Improvements of Man United

Andy Tate & Louis Van Gaal Respond to Latest Glazer Improvements of Man United

Last time, we told yer all about t’ Glazer family’s shoddy attempts t’ finally sort out United and make ‘em all ‘bright, clean & nicelooking guys.’ But ‘ow has this news been received, eh?

Andy Tate rants:

Avram Glazer, yer are a priiiiiize nob! Ya got the business on a flamin’ technicality, all because ah a bloody legend ‘oo as told yer the rest o’ us wooden pay nah mind if yer went on ahead and roooooined us club. Well let me tell ya this, Av…
The name’s Avram Glazer, well Ah’ve ad enough bad treatment rammed down my throat wi’ all yer stupid, stupid business games, yer flamin’ spermburpin’ dingalows!

Louis Van Gaal is less bothered:

I just can’t see what all the fuss is about. I mean, they’re only fans, after all. They should just stop being so arrogant, and thinking it’s all about them!

Anyway, I’m more worried about how much longer we can keep up outclassing Norwich City. This massive purple patch might just be unsustainable. And Even Eric Black is starting to get a bit cocky when he’s trolling me on Twitter. Let me try and get our priorities right!

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Posted in Sports Scandals, Sportsfolk0 Comments

Glazers & Manchester United: A Proper Free Market Corporation at Last!

Glazers & Manchester United: A Proper Free Market Corporation at Last!

Notable across-the-pond sporting enterpreneurs ‘The Glazer lads, PLC.’ have recently decided that the old-fashioned European way of doing football just isn’t financially viable for such a serious enterpreneurial concern as Manchester United Soccer, uh, Whatever Club.

So, they have now renamed their most lucrative business concern yet as the ‘Glazer Family and Co. Manchester, England United-and-Incorporated European Soccer Entertainment Corporation.’ Or just GFACMEUAIESEC for short. (ish).

However, if United are to truly prosper as a serious venture, they are going to have to tighten up and show a proper American work ethic. From now on, any fans (sorry, ‘customers’) investing their funds in a match (sorry, ‘standard rate sporting engagement salary shift’) must wear appropriate clothing at all times. They must also refrain from swearing, singing, and all other uncivil behaviors that lower the tone of the workplace, and risk serious brand tarnishment.

Also, there will be a substantial wage dock for any slack players (sorry, any ‘standard remunerated regular employee contract sporting personnel’) who enter the ground without smiling at the ‘retail personability assemblage’ of customers for a perfectly sincere and uncontrived meet ‘n’ greet:

Oh my gosh, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome, my dear friends! Well, aren’t we gonna have a simply woooooonderful day! #^___________^#

This has not gone down well at all. Join us next time for some classic responses from Andy ‘n’ Louis! Proper good, is that!

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South African Rugby Team To Play US At American Football

South African Rugby Team To Play US At American Football

After disappointment at the Rugby World Cup 2015, which included arguably the most shocking defeat in the tournament’s history, team coach Heyneke Meyer yesterday confirmed that the Springbok will take a yearlong hiatus to pursue ‘other opportunities’.

Team captain Flourie du Preez later confirmed the news, adding that the team with be facing a US ‘All Star’ team at American Football in July 2016. Responding to journalists at a fundraising event in Pretoria he said, “I’ve always fancied playing quarter back and I could use the additional income, so why not?” Continue Reading

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Van Gaal’s football by numbness misses United’s point

Van Gaal’s football by numbness misses United’s point

Manchester United boss Louis van Gaal is nothing if not a pragmatist. Bristling at criticism of his side’s lack of attacking flair of late, the Dutchman has insisted that his team is still a work in progress.

It is, as he has labelled it, at a moment in an ongoing process.

United’s fans, spoiled as they were during the unprecedented entertainment levels of the Sir Alex Ferguson era, are unimpressed. ‘Processes’ are not what they pay to see. Continue Reading

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Chicago Cubs Lose, Cosmos Safe

Chicago Cubs Lose, Cosmos Safe

In historic fashion, the curse of the Billy Goat again reared its ugly head on those Lovable Losers, the Chicago Cubs.

Game four of the National League Championship Series ended with the New York Mets beating the Cubbies by the score of 8-3, sweeping the team everyone thought was destined to win the World Series because Back to the Future predicted it.

The Mets hammered Chicago Cub pitcher Jason Hammel so bad he only lasted two innings innings in the post season game, ensuring the continuation of planetary rotation and balance within the cosmos. Continue Reading

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Is there really a conspiracy against Mourinho’s Chelsea?

Is there really a conspiracy against Mourinho’s Chelsea?

Chelsea strode to the Premier League title last season after a dominant performance for the majority of the campaign. The Blues were streets ahead of their nearest rivals and Jose Mourinho’s men had high hopes prior to the start of the 2015-16 season.

However, they have failed to inspire confidence and Chelsea are looking more like relegation candidates than defending champions. Despite their poor form and performances, Mourinho has tried to put the blame on luck and refereeing decisions.

For the past few years, the Portuguese has claimed in the press that there is a conspiracy against his side. While he very rarely accepts that they were simply outplayed by the opposition, Mourinho tends to give credit to their conquerors. After the recent 3-1 home defeat by Southampton, the Chelsea boss was once again discussing a lack of refereeing decisions to his men and placed the blame on referee Robert Madley (see video below). The Portuguese believes that Madley is not the only official to have a campaign against his side and insists that the Premier League’s top referees all enjoy watching the Blues lose. Continue Reading

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Putin Smirks: ‘I Venerate the Sweat of Sportsmen in the Evening’

Putin Smirks: ‘I Venerate the Sweat of Sportsmen in the Evening’

Vladimir Putin has now liberated most Russian football clubs and has gently taken them under his wing, guiding them into the comforting and steady hands of public ownership.

So from now on, if private football clubs wish to remain private, they must now prove their moral and spiritual worth (say nothing of financial!), by making their players wear long shorts for modesty.

Especially the men’s clubs! Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Scandals, World News0 Comments

Harry Redknapp’s Resounding Victory over Twitter Trolls

Harry Redknapp’s Resounding Victory over Twitter Trolls

Former rugby legend Bucky Guinstella has begun his long march out of the sporting wilderness, and has embarked upon a new literary career as a Twitter troll.

However, the joke seems to be on him, and he is not having much success.

Maybe he’s just an unrecognised genius?

Well, time will tell. Continue Reading

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Glossy News Soccer, um, FOOTBALL Round-up! (2/2)

Glossy News Soccer, um, FOOTBALL Round-up! (2/2)

Football Legend

Self-styled, very much self-stylish, and scandalously glossy-cape-porting Caliph Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi has made thinking about football, dreaming about football, or otherwise being remotely aware of the historical existence of football, an unforgivable and inexcusable hate crime against The Greater Good.

Back of the Old Onion Swag

And on a completely unrelated note to the latter tyrannical and highly bureaucratic measure, the UK Government have passed a new benevolently-Tory-paternalistic motion. Continue Reading

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Glossy News Soccer, um, FOOTBALL Round-up! (1/2)

Glossy News Soccer, um, FOOTBALL Round-up! (1/2)

The new season has already started over here, so time to take a more politically-conscious eye at the footballing world. Continue Reading

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Blair, Berlusconi Salute Blatter’s Character and Integrity

Blair, Berlusconi Salute Blatter’s Character and Integrity

The recent revival of the Sepp Blatter affair http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/33303066

has led two of the former FIFA President’s most faithful allies business partners supporters to pay tribute..

To this leading light of international gamesmanship…

Uh, ‘sport.’

Tony Blair said:

People are criticizing Blatter now, but as I always say, ‘it’s not over ‘til it’s over.’ Just let History be the judge. Continue Reading

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FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match”

FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match”

FIFA president Sepp Blatter insists that he’s not using a fake name, but he also swears his sworn alliance to ISIS is likewise legitimate.

FIFA and ISIS. One is a ruthless, soulless dictatorship that destroys everything in its path and the other is an Islamic terrorist organization. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Scandals, War Zone3 Comments

With Tom Brady Suspension Looming, Patriots Introduce New QB

With Tom Brady Suspension Looming, Patriots Introduce New QB

Foxborough, Massachusetts – Only hours after the NFL suspended two-time MVP quarterback, Tom Brady, for the first four games of the 2015 season, New England Patriots owner, Robert Kraft and head coach, Bill Belichick, announced the signing of the player taking Brady’s place for the first month of the season. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports, Sports Scandals1 Comment

Brains Donate NFL Players to Science

Brains Donate NFL Players to Science

Chicago, Illinois – As the 2015 NFL draft is set to begin tonight at 8pm (est), the scientific community added to the excitement with a groundbreaking announcement last night that the brains of current and former NFL players, Michael Vick and Terrell Owens, are donating their bodies for scientific research. The Brain Injury Association of America, based in Vienna, Virginia released the news during a charity event held annually as part of pre-draft traditions.

“This is a historic day for the National Football League and the Brain Injury Association!” The Association’s CEO, Susan H. Connors said. “Today, we have the brains of our players making the generous decision to donate their host bodies to science for the purpose of expanding our knowledge of how these erratic, yet affluent creatures work,” Connors added, while gently patting the cerebral hemispheres of Michael Vick’s cerebrum just after it removed itself from Michael Vick’s cranium. Continue Reading

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Skier Gets Tongue Stuck on Ice Cube!

Skier Gets Tongue Stuck on Ice Cube!

Los Angeles, California – Hundreds of skiers, snowboarders and snow tubers celebrated the grand opening of Mount Thang, located in the eastern side of the city this past weekend.

In addition to celebrating Los Angeles’ first snow sighting since a light dusting fell in Malibu back in 2007, all attending guests had the opportunity to chat with celebrities, including the mountain’s popular owner, O’Shea Jackson, Sr., better known by his stage name, Ice Cube. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Sports1 Comment

New York Promoters to Race Left-Handed 3-Year-Olds, Televise It

New York Promoters to Race Left-Handed 3-Year-Olds, Televise It

I enjoy a good laugh as much as the next guy, but a 1.5 mile race over dirt where the athlete’s cutoff age is three years old is probably not my cup of toffee.

Promoters are shameless, predicting no shortage of competitors for the top prize. As a parent, I’m disgusted, but for $800,000 I have to admit I’d consider it.

An email response from the mayor of Elmont, New York, where the race is being held, was as shameless as it was tone deaf. Continue Reading

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