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Brains Donate NFL Players to Science

Brains Donate NFL Players to Science

Chicago, Illinois – As the 2015 NFL draft is set to begin tonight at 8pm (est), the scientific community added to the excitement with a groundbreaking announcement last night that the brains of current and former NFL players, Michael Vick and Terrell Owens, are donating their bodies for scientific research. The Brain Injury Association of America, based in Vienna, Virginia released the news during a charity event held annually as part of pre-draft traditions.

“This is a historic day for the National Football League and the Brain Injury Association!” The Association’s CEO, Susan H. Connors said. “Today, we have the brains of our players making the generous decision to donate their host bodies to science for the purpose of expanding our knowledge of how these erratic, yet affluent creatures work,” Connors added, while gently patting the cerebral hemispheres of Michael Vick’s cerebrum just after it removed itself from Michael Vick’s cranium.

According to the Association, the brains communicated their generous request to scientists through an electroencephalography (EEG) machine, a device that picks up brain activity via electrical pulses transmitted by means of magnetic head gear.

“Simply astounding!” Said Electroencephalogist, Heinrich T. Heimichschlopper, while showing charts of the communication to the 300 combined players, coaches and sponsors in attendance Wednesday night. “The brains didn’t offer a reason for making their contribution, but said these bodies could go to better use than is being made in their current states,” Heimichschlopper added.

The 80th annual meeting of National Football League franchises selecting newly eligible football players will be held at the Auditorium Theatre on the campus of Roosevelt University and televised nationwide.

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Skier Gets Tongue Stuck on Ice Cube!

Skier Gets Tongue Stuck on Ice Cube!

Los Angeles, California – Hundreds of skiers, snowboarders and snow tubers celebrated the grand opening of Mount Thang, located in the eastern side of the city this past weekend.

In addition to celebrating Los Angeles’ first snow sighting since a light dusting fell in Malibu back in 2007, all attending guests had the opportunity to chat with celebrities, including the mountain’s popular owner, O’Shea Jackson, Sr., better known by his stage name, Ice Cube. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Sports1 Comment

New York Promoters to Race Left-Handed 3-Year-Olds, Televise It

New York Promoters to Race Left-Handed 3-Year-Olds, Televise It

I enjoy a good laugh as much as the next guy, but a 1.5 mile race over dirt where the athlete’s cutoff age is three years old is probably not my cup of toffee.

Promoters are shameless, predicting no shortage of competitors for the top prize. As a parent, I’m disgusted, but for $800,000 I have to admit I’d consider it.

An email response from the mayor of Elmont, New York, where the race is being held, was as shameless as it was tone deaf. Continue Reading

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Lifeguard Sets Unprecedented Record

Lifeguard Sets Unprecedented Record

Boise, ID—Lifeguard Brian McKearney broke a YMCA lifeguarding record today.

“I’m on top of the world,” he said while being carried away to the employee’s lounge on the shoulders of his fellow aquatic guardians. McKearney could be heard yelling over the explosion of bursting Champaign corks, “Hasselhoff ain’t got nothing on me.” Continue Reading

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Steroids Rampant at the Kentucky Derby? The Answer May Not Surprise You

Steroids Rampant at the Kentucky Derby? The Answer May Not Surprise You

If there are two things Kentucky is famous for, and there is not, it’s Fried Chicken and the annual horse race watched, it is believed, by spectators.

But once again the specter of steroids in sports has reared it’s ugly head and stomped it’s hoof twice for “yes”.

Long shot filly Knobs At Hand is unlikely to win, but his trainer Big Dave Galaga is not about to leave anything to chance. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sports Events, Sports Scandals0 Comments

Sports Reporter Reports Equal Number of Teams Winning, Losing

Sports Reporter Reports Equal Number of Teams Winning, Losing

According to latest sports reports, the number of teams winning this week was once again equal to the number of teams losing.

The odds of the same number of teams winning as losing over the entirety of history is impossible according to some, or based on the words of others, completely predictable.

In fact checking this story we looked at ESPN and the sports betting site, SportsbookNavigator.com, and early numbers appear to pencil out. Continue Reading

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Tom Brady: “My Balls Were Deflated”

Tom Brady: “My Balls Were Deflated”

Milford, Connecticut – After weeks of controversy against Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots for whether they intentionally let air out of game balls, Tom Brady finally stepped forward in an interview on the Dan Patrick Show last night and stated “Yes, my balls were deflated,” during Patrick’s famous Truth or Fair segment.

According to Brady, the New England Patriots staff started deflating his balls prior to each game to make them easier for the team’s running backs to hold onto and for receivers to catch. Continue Reading

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Katy Perry Spent a Lot Of Time Contemplating Her Super Bowl Act

Katy Perry Spent a Lot Of Time Contemplating Her Super Bowl Act

“Maybe I should do a French Kiss with another superstar like Brittany Spears and Madonna did. I wonder if Taylor Swift would be available for that? Or should I do an underwear-less limo exit like Brittany did that one time? That got a lot of coverage.”

A lot of money and concern is spent by performers and by the NFL alike preparing for the biggest sporting event and one of the biggest entertainment shows of the year in the U.S. Almost anything goes for this colossal showcase which mixes the two key elements that made America great — show business and football. Almost anything… Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Sports Events4 Comments

Fan Donations to the NFL on the Rise

Fan Donations to the NFL on the Rise

NEW YORK – Many American football fans may not realize that the National Football League (NFL) is not a corporation, but a tax-exempt organization.

Recently some real die-hard fans have been donating money to their beloved NFL, even though their donations are not tax-deductible.

“Football is my life,” says Wayne Smetsky of Green Bay, Wisconsin, who recently donated $500 to the NFL. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Sports Events2 Comments

Ichiro Suzuki Passes Drug Test, Fails Turing Test

Ichiro Suzuki Passes Drug Test, Fails Turing Test

When MLB teams acquire new players they expect their very best and this MLB offseason has featured an almost overwhelming amount of moves as teams try to upgrade their rosters and shift their focus in a new direction.

Since Ichiro entered the American major league with the Seattle Mariners in 2001, Ichiro has been a puzzle of great intrigue and interest. Continue Reading

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Posted in Sportsfolk, Technology1 Comment

Lebron James Jr. Will Suit Up for Cavs

Lebron James Jr. Will Suit Up for Cavs

Lebron James will suit up for the Cavaliers as soon as possible. Lebron James Jr., that is.

The son of the best player in the NBA will be replacing his injured father in the lineup for the next few weeks.

LBJJ is a star player on his youth team and is ready to take it to the next level. Rather than wait to be drafted in ten years, the young star will sign as a free agent with the Cavs. Continue Reading

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NFL Introduces New Team Name! Matthew McConaughey Celebrates with a Footlong!

NFL Introduces New Team Name! Matthew McConaughey Celebrates with a Footlong!

Washington, D.C. – Ending a long debate over the controversial name of one of its teams, the National Football League announced this week that the Washington Redskins will now be known as the Washington Breadskins.

Originally established in 1932, the franchise has maintained the same mascot for more than 82 years.

However, a recent flurry of protests by the Oneida Indian Nation, most recently during a game on November 2nd when the Redskins played the Minnesota Vikings, helped expedite the change. Continue Reading

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Is Cuba the Next Ping Pong Frontier?

Is Cuba the Next Ping Pong Frontier?

As America’s relations with Cuba are bettered in the near future, many professional sports leagues are excited to pounce on the athletic talent in the small country.

Major League Baseball teams are searching for the new Yasiel Puig or Aroldis Chapman to ignite their teams’ fortunes.

Along with baseball, Cuba is known to possess a plethora of skills in the game of ping pong. United States Table Tennis Federation (USTTF) spokesman Louis Rice is optimistic that there is a lot of “untapped potential” on the island.

The sport is adored by the country’s people, with tables popping up all over the country in recent years.

“They [Cubans] really have the best athletic build and mindset for the rigors of table tennis. I know of many proficient players that are already playing in their semi-pro leagues. We will also set up some camps to train the youth and then get them into our farm systems Rice.”

During the embargo on Cuba, many of the country’s best players had to escape the country illegally to another Latin American country before finally making it to America.

The new lack of risk is sure to encourage the Cubans to immigrate to the U.S. and it’s high-paying league.

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Posted in Sports, World News0 Comments

2015 AVN Awards to Feature NFL Injury Porn Category

2015 AVN Awards to Feature NFL Injury Porn Category

The Adult Video News (AVN) Awards considered by many to be the “Oscars of Porn” will have an additional award to announce at their Las Vegas ceremony this January.

According to a statement released by AVN Chairman and CEO Theo Sapoutzis, “We are pleased to announce that at this year’s award show we will be expanding from 136 awards to 137 in order to recognize the work of major media networks as they strive to indulge NFL fans in their lust for fresh angles on painful injuries. Continue Reading

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Northeastern Idaho State Makes College Football Playoff

Northeastern Idaho State Makes College Football Playoff

While most of the debate about the College Football Playoff has surrounded Ohio State, Baylor, and TCU, a surprise team sneaked into the playoff late on Monday night.

Northeastern Idaho State (formerly Northern Idaho Agricultural College) was selected by the playoff committee as the number four seed in the playoff.

After moving up from the FCS before this season, the school has had a remarkable run to finish 12-0 and a top of the prestigious Sunrise Conference. Continue Reading

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Baseball’s Giants Being Sued by Tall Community

Baseball’s Giants Being Sued by Tall Community

San Francisco, CA–In the midst of the Washington Redskins name-change debacle, there is another American professional sports team under fire for the insensitivity of its nickname.

The San Francisco Giants are in a lawsuit with the civil rights group The Large Humans Organization for the “Giants” name.

“We tall people are offended by this name, and it’s been far too long that America has ignored the atrocity” says LHO representative Joe Bigg, 6’7”. Continue Reading

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