HOOVILLE, Nova Scotia (GlossyNews) — The estate of Dr. Seuss has filed a restraining order against the manufacturer of the plastic horn known as the Vuvuzela, claiming copyright infringement. The order, handed down in the National Court of South Africa, calls for the immediate cessation of the manufacture of all things Vuvuzela. It also clearly shows the Vuvuzela was first mentioned in the little known book written by Dr. Seuss in 1964 entitled Consuela from Venezuela blows on a Vuvuzela. Continue Reading

HOLLYWOODLAND, West Coast (GlossyNews) — Self-crowned ‘King of Directors’ James Cameron today announced a project expected to establish a new standard in cinema. Speaking from Malibu’s exclusive ‘Pssst, You can smoke in here’ Bistro, the mega-hit crafter was upbeat, while still maintaining his signature condescending tone. Continue Reading

TEXARKANA, Texas (GlossyNews) — Melvin, or Mel, Gibson, a 75-year-old redneck from Rockdale, Texas, stood on the corner of Cameron Ave and Main this morning. He was dressed in the requisite T-shirt and stained khaki work pants and holding a battered and half nude 72-year-old Dorinda, his wife of 50 years, by the hair while he screamed racist comments at the top of his lungs.

As a Sheriff’s Deputy drove by, slowing down for a group of vultures eating a dead something-or-other in the middle of the road, Mel hollered that a pack of wild niggers was going to attack Dorinda for wearing a pink bra. Then he screamed and yelled about how the Jews were taking over the world, followed by something or other about Mexicans, loose women, the Gov’ment then Homos.

The town of Rockdale went about its business as usual. The closed down storefronts stayed closed down. The Post Office, the only building in town without the windows boarded, was the only thing that seemed to stand agape as Mel went on and on. After about an hour, Gibson tired out, threw his wife in the trunk of his dilapidated car, and went home. Tawdry Soup finally stopped and asked the lone witness, a 50 year old spitfire who claimed to be the head of the Rockdale Chamber of Commerce, “what the hell?” She answered, “Do you know who his Daddy was? Now excuse me, I gotta get to the post office. “By the way,” she snipped as she looked back, “That Mel Gibson was really a hunk when he was younger!“

Disney Corporation has made another great stride in its endeavor to control all possible realms of consumer fantasy. With a buyout of $4 billion in cash and stocks, the great Mickey has bought the upstart Marvel Comics franchise, the famous comic book non-conformists who created such legendary neo-mythical figures as the Hulk, Spiderman, Iron Man, the X-Men and other such spandex-clad heroes of our childhood. Continue Reading

BEVERLY HILLS, California (GlossyNews) — Paris Hilton, A-list Hollywood actress and star of the the hit film One Night in Paris as well as box office disappointments Bottom’s Up and The Hottie and The Nottie, was involved in a scandalous, embarrassing incident on Wednesday morning June 30, 2010 that may jeopardize the mega-thespian’s future career. Continue Reading

OS ANGELES, California – (Glossy News) – Lindsay Lohan was lucky she had the benefit of other celebrities’ experiences in jail to help prepare her for what to expect when she went into the slammer. Big names such as Lil’ Kim, Paris Hilton, Robert Downey, Jr. and Martha Stewart, yes, even Martha Stewart, have tweeted Lindsay with kinds words of encouragement and tips on how to survive the big house. Continue Reading

Harry Salimi, a 52 year old New York resident, was walking his dog in a busy thoroughfare on Wednesday morning, when a sudden dizzy spell and radiating pains from his right hand sent him sprawling to the ground in a dramatic and outrageous fashion after making two brief stops on the way down: one at the side of a public water fountain and another at a half-full garbage bin. For twenty minutes, Mr. Salimi lay motionless on the ground, leaving his Cocker Spaniel mix with nothing to do but look mournfully at passers by. Continue Reading

CHICAGO, Illinois (GlossyNews) — Things got a little strange Wednesday night in Chicago when a one-man act by the name of Arcus Temporis came on stage armed only with a chalkboard and a piece of chalk and an eraser.

“What is your name?” asked Piers Morgan of this wild-eyed man. In a Swedish accent, the man gave his name, “I am Arcus Temporis and I am 87 years olt,” he said as he took in the huge crowd he stood before.

“And what are you here to do for us tonight, Arcus?” said Piers. Continue Reading

WYOMISSING, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — This week’s installment of Kate Plus Eight entitled “We Named the Pet Rooster Jon” has Kate using every opportunity she can to let her audience know in no uncertain terms that her life is shit because she has the kids and the big house in boring Pennsylvania to take care of 90% of the time while Jon lives a pseudo-swingin’ single lifestyle in New York City. Continue Reading

CARVILLE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) —

Posted by your South America (and also Caribbean) correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

We didn’t know, so we checked around. Nobody else knew either. And I’m talking smart people here? Geraldo Rivera, the internationally respected dean of semi-Latino journalists, he didn’t know.

We figured he might be messing with us, so we contacted that Nina Totebag woman from NPR? She didn’t know either. Switzerland has an Ambassador to the Bahamas! Continue Reading

It seems Sarah Palin is looking to expand her approval among likely voters by looking in an unlikely place; the not-too-distant future. If she can dominate the emerging evangelist demographic, it may be enough to just push the vote, and indeed the country, over the cliff. Continue Reading

Posted by your South America correspondents, Maria and Consuela Lopez.

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brasil (NovedadesGlossy) US opening weekend, the new Oliver Stone documentary grossed $21,545. Don’t let that low gross fool you; this film is highly gross. It’s grosser than naked pictures of Woody Allen.

The movie is Mr. Stone running around South America talking to politicians. Talk, talk, talk and it goes on for hours like that! Oh sure, there’s a little bit about some villages getting electricity, and that is a great thing. When I imagine those poor girls living in villages without blow driers, it about makes me cry. Don’t be thinking there’s much of that in ‘South of the Border’ though. It’s mostly ugly fat guys talking. Continue Reading

LONDON BRIDGE, Lake Havasu City, Arizona (GlossyNews) — In a recent, controversial paper for The Journal of Cultural History and Aesthetic Identity, historian Leonard Zelig claims that the works of late sixteenth century cultural giants Christopher Marlowe and Francis Bacon were actually written by a contemporary, a playwright named William Shakespeare, from rural Stratford-on-Avon. “This is going to shock a lot of people,” Zelig said in an interview with Gravier magazine, “But the evidence is pretty clear that this playwright named Shakespeare did all the writing. Two men could not have produced the vast amount of material attributed to them in so short a time.” Continue Reading

NEW YORK, NY (GlossyNews) — In a throwback to the days of the Cold War, the U.S. and Russia will reportedly exchange individuals that each side has charged with spying. The 10 people arrested by the FBI on June 27 for participating in an alleged Russian spy ring will be included as well as Russian researcher Igor Sutyagin, charged with spying for the CIA. The exchange will reportedly take place in London.

In a surprise move, the U.S. offered to include actress Lindsay Lohan and actor Mel Gibson in the deal, sending them off to Russia with the group of 10. Continue Reading

NASHVILLE, Tennessee (GlossyNews) — In 2008 Nickelback had higher favorability ratings than Bush. Obama was more liberal, loved, and idealistic than famed hippy douchebag John Lennon. Ted Kennedy, best remembered for choosing his political career over a woman’s life, was still alive. John “Pork Barrell” Murtha was still passing out political favors like a candy dealing pervert in an Astro Van. Continue Reading

PORTLAND, Oregon (GlossyNews) — Police in Portland, Oregon are reopening their investigation into allegations that Al Gore groped and forced himself onto a masseuse at a local hotel in 2006. While not much has been made public about that incident, the one piece of information that continues to come up in news reports is the fact that the masseuse described Gore’s behavior as “acting like a crazed poodle.” Continue Reading

BALLSTON, Virginia (GlossyNews) — Mired amid controversy of alleged infidelity and sexual misconduct, former Vice President and prominent global warming activist, Al Gore, angrily dismissed these accusations today at a press corps luncheon. Continue Reading

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, New York, NY (GlossyNews) — A puck rang off the iron heads of the NHL’s finest this weekend as Gary Bettman announced Barack Obama recipient of the coveted Lady Byng award. The players, who had waited all season for this the crowning of the league’s choicest pussy, spat like Gatorade their red wines onto the seats before them. Continue Reading