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Belfast Residents Finally Break Silence on 12th of July Nick Minaj Insult

Belfast Residents Finally Break Silence on 12th of July Nick Minaj Insult

Belfast residents have finally made their feelings known (as people up North undoubtedly do best) regarding a little-known sectarian atrocity from the most recent 12th of July…

When a loyalist flute band surrounded a Catholic youth club and started playing Nicki Minaj (!)

An official apology stated:

It was not actually our intention™ to play that there song, but us can appreciate that the young people might’ee thought we did. Our original intention was to play Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love,” because we wanted to make a good cross-community gesture™; I mean, everybody loves Beyoncé; that’s not a Prod or a Catholic thing, aye? Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Music, Religionism0 Comments

Melissa Rivers in the Poor House due to Evil Death Taxes

Melissa Rivers in the Poor House due to Evil Death Taxes

How’s that for a clickbait headline? It’s wholly untrue, but that doesn’t stop the cash-hoarders from taking any opportunity to espouse their contra-factual nonsense.

Estate taxes serve several purposes, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise upfront, so if you promise to read down further, I’ll give you all the juicy facts you will have so richly earned. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip1 Comment

Man Starts Kickstarter Campaign  to Support Kickstarter Campaigns

Man Starts Kickstarter Campaign to Support Kickstarter Campaigns

Jacob Nastroni doesn’t consider himself an ideas man, but he has at least one he’s putting to the test:

“There are a lot of different Kickstarter projects that I’d love to get behind, but unfortunately I just don’t have the financial means to really get behind them,” says the aspiring venture capitalist.

“I really like seeing the entrepreneurial spirit some of these people have, and, if I’m honest about it, more than a little jealous.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Internets Tubes0 Comments

“Autistic Savants Inspiring,” Says Cable TV Diversity Pimp

“Autistic Savants Inspiring,” Says Cable TV Diversity Pimp

Surprisingly, it just so happens that crappy low-budget cable shows have given in to the perpetual “progressive pressure” that is self-indulgently and self-promotingly applied by a certain variety of limousine-liberal, ivory-tower benefactor known as a “diversity expert.”

Yes: the PC cause du jour of Big Disability, to wit, giving autistic/Asperger’s people “more representation” in the media, is one that Big Cable is pretty damn down with. Although obviously, letting us “special folks” speak for OURSELVES is quite clearly not on the menu. Have a look at what the following highly talented and benevolent television personality had to say…

Now, quite understandably, you may think this consummately dumb-looking kid is incapable of wiping his ass. I mean, I gotta tell you, that was my first thought when seeing this very special and beloved child.

Same for his parents, who despaired of their apparently thick-as-shit offspring ever making anything of himself; could he ever transcend his deplorably cavernous and introverted existence? But wait till you see part two of this incredible and inspiring story…

Well… we’re back already, after our fifteenth commercial break of this episode. Hope you enjoyed the ads! I mean, Wal-mart and How I Met Your Mother are literally great, aren’t they? I mean, I’m obviously not endorsing the crap from our ad-breaks, as such; I mean, just sayin’. …

And speakin’ of just sayin’, Tim Allen has a great ass, doesn’t he? I’m sure all you single ladies and whoever else out there totally agree!

Anyways, this kid looks a bit of a waste of space. Well, more than a BIT of a waste of space; how much taxpayer’s welfare money has been wasted on his voluminous array of Dr Who DVDs and obscure Japanese anime?

Yeah… gotta be honest with you, this was my first impression. And the second, and third, thousandth-and-yada-yada-yada, whatever. Bit of a lost cause, I’m not gonna lie.

But one day, the parents of this marvelous, incredible and inspiring child™ discovered that all along, he had been secretly taking down books from his parent’s bookshelves, and actually READING them.

Yes, reading them. I am telling you, seriously, he was READING them; actually, literally reading them; really! For real! No shit! Cross my heart and hope to die!

Well… talk about inspiring! But; oh my gosh, you’re not gonna believe this! Wait for it… this kid now works in a library; they even PAY him; and he actually WRITES BOOKS of his own!

I mean seriously, I SWEAR, I am NOT kidding you! Hard to believe, I know! Like, literally: proper, actual books! I mean, not cute and amusing and “that’s nice, dear” pencil sketches of Mommy and Daddy and the family puppy: actual books!

…Like, history and poetry and the kind of stuff that normal, reasonably intelligent folks like you or me™ literally wouldn’t be ashamed at all to read; can you ACTUALLY believe it?

I mean, this is just absolutely incredible! Seriously! Talk about an autistic savant™, huh? I mean, next week, I’ve got some more inspiring stories of ordinary common salt-of the-earth folks™ overcoming absolutely INCREDIBLE odds™; but as always, hard to say in advance if we can top this one.

Yeah, this kid is simply DYNAMITE-on-a-stick; not to mention diversity-on-a-stick! The kaleidoscopic abundance of diversity in our glorious Technicolor world of every tribe and nation just about makes me want to jizz in my pants!

Like, oh my gosh, I just love diversity! It would be pretty boring if we were all the same, wouldn’t it?™ I’d hate that! It’s great when these fantastic people who are, you know, just a wee bit different and pretty damn intriguing and inexplicable, add a smidgen of exotic color and interest to our lives!

I mean, he’s just warmed my heart to blazes, I tell ya! Like, OMG, dude! What an incredible transformation™: from Captain Autism to Captain Inspirational!

By the way, stay tuned; in a couple of minutes, your absolute FAVORITE: the next fabulous episode of “Cable TV’s Animal Videos that You Have Probably Never Seen Before but Really Wish You Hadn’t!”

Yeah, we have some simply fantastic award-winning and stunningly original sound effects on this coming episode, that you DEFINITELY won’t have heard before; swiiiing, wheeeeeeeeee, kik-kik, tee-hee-hee, ha-ha, op-bop-bop! PONGGGGGGGGG!

Don’t miss it… you’ll regret it! Oh my gosh, I just love this stuff! Autistic savants, performing animals, don’t we just live in a simply wonderful world!

OMG, talked a bit too much, this one time at least; well, we shoulda been on the 37th ad-break by now! Hee hee! Oh, isn’t cable TV simply fantastic!

OK, seen it! We all know the sort of crap that people put out to make themselves feel “nice” and “caring;” hell, maybe even “progressive” and “enlightened,” at a push. In the near future, find out how this feel-good gushy sentimentality has even contaminated mainstream, fairly-orthodox-but-not-fundamentalist-as-such-Christianity™.

P.S. Interesting and unprecedentedly shocking factoid #68: not all people with Asperger’s or autism are “left-leaning social justice warriors.” Bet that surprised you!

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Posted in Television0 Comments

Perry/Santorum Article: Non-apology, Disclaimer, Invitation

Perry/Santorum Article: Non-apology, Disclaimer, Invitation

Santorum “living a lie all these years?”

This quotation, straight from the consummately straight-talking lips of Santorum himself, has somehow angered a crapload of irritable and highly-strung socialists™ who (charitably calculated) have only half-read my article on Rick Perry receiving a well-deserved Papal award, and Rick Santorum being passed over.

Yup; some miscellaneous and contemptible heap of predictably-uninformed-and-careless, ubiqituously-raging-web-cruisers are already quoting the foregoing quotation out of context.

Well, this is possibly not entirely unrelated to the fact that they couldn’t bring themselves to read the whole article; nor, indeed, the “THIS IS SATIRE, DAMMIT!!!” disclaimer.

No, wait; this never actually happens on this website! Hmmm…

Still, Santorum was merely talking about being a Catholic. That’s the context. You people do understand context, right? Well, I hope… ok, I’m being pretty generous here.

Still, ignore the haters, Rick… and ignore the fact that all those clearly unprincipled (as always) non-supporters of yours don’t understand the difference between satire and “factual” journalism.

Yup, let it go. Just let it go. You know, there there’s a hell of a lot of issues to let go of and just not give a crap about in this life; and this is certainly one of them.

Although it’s certainly not the only one; there are plenty of others; even ones which occupy the minds of politicians motivated to ensure a fair and just society, but who are going about it in a pretty misguided and harmful manner… hint-hint.

Still, I mean, if the “fact/satire” distinction bothers them (roll over, Davie Hume!), they should read some objective and reliable output from one of the myriad objective, reliable (and by the way, purely factual) news outlets in the USA…

You know, like our painfully ubiquitous/achingly conspicuous Fox/MSNBC rivals and haters.
Anyway, whatever happens, I still love you, Rick.




Well, especially with that pretty-damn-hot-stuff sweater you’ve been wearing. If I hadn’t been feeling so unfortunately and uncongenially and inconveniently hetero recently, you’d be the number-one, full-size, high-grade-handsome poster on my bedroom wall.

Yup! My problem is, I’m struggling with “unwanted heterosexual feelings;” kind of the opposite of what you and partisans of the Aversionist Agenda™ call “unwanted homosexual feelings.”

Oh, it’s not an agenda? Man, I feel really bad for you; it must really suck ass to be told you and “your people” (whatever that means) are carrying out some vaguely defined, wicked, and conspiratorial agenda; when it’s actually NOT the case!

And besides, you know what? I can’t find anyone to cure me. You never thought about helping people with THIS kind of terrible problem, did you? Don’t I deserve to be cured of my horrible and tragic affliction, too? Am I condemned to feel this way forever, with no hope of normality?

I mean, you only care about gay people, or what? Whatever happened to compassionate conservatism, Rick?

Sheesh. Calm down, Rick. Don’t get edgy. You know, the sweater thing; it was supposed to be a compliment. You’re a handsome kinda guy. Well, yeah; even if, tragically, you can’t be on my agenda right now.

But the offer’s there. If anyone out there can cure me, you know who you gotta call. Some poor boy’s needin’ straight-busted. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Just think about it, Rick. Because, in the last analysis, all us mainstream, standard-issue straightniks are human too.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism0 Comments

Perry/Santorum: Top Papal Award, Christian Fakers Annihilated

Perry/Santorum: Top Papal Award, Christian Fakers Annihilated

Oh-so-conspicuously unashamed Christian, Rick Perry, is not actually painfully, embarrassingly, and conspicuously unashamed today; just plain-ol’-vanilla-grindin’ embarrassed.

Pope Francis has accidentally made Perry a Papal Knight, instead of the similarly-monikered Rick Santorum.

But far from being flattered, Perry is distinctly underwhelmed by this high accolade…

Just Google-pedia his (kind of) acceptance speech at the Vatican; the 13 dozen (-trillion-ish?) megahit Youtube postings, and thousands and thousands of thoroughly unamusing and utterly disrespectful and malicious web-parodies™…

(According to the most recent count, conducted a mere 69… sorry, 20 minutes after his speech).

You know, I’m still not ashamed to say I’m a Christian™, even if I’m not that kind of Christian; but I’m just not really into all that Catholic stuff.

I mean, you don’t have to have a legion of rich friends in the megachurch industry or an army of devoted enemies of the so-called Churches-and-Statists-Separation to know there’s something wrong in this country when…™

Well, when I can get respect from the Pope but not from the Democrats… not even from YOUR fellow-Catholic buddy, the practically omnipresent/omnipotent/omni-shut-the-hell-up Saint Pelosi!…

And, of course, when a certain breed of opportunistic, center-straddling, fence-sitting Republicans opposes some of my ideas.

Don’t worry, I’ve already promised a thousand times ten thousand to end the war on True Christians™! Sorry, I mean a thousand times per hour… well, much more than a thousand, if the Youtube bandwidth were better…

Oh, socialist internet regulation sucks! Just sucks, dammit!#

We all know and respect how I try my very damnablest… sorry, damnedest, to save True, Authentic, Honest-to-God Christians™ from socialist, liberal, secular, and in particular, Darwinian-homosexual persecution and seduction…

But my job’s always getting just that bit harder when these pretty-damn-border-line or even flat-out-wrong churches (not pointing any fingers in this cathedral) try and join in the fun and call themselves Christians too.

It’s just plain unbearable! JFK, anyone?

Well, what next? Mitt Romney, is he going to try and be a True Christian as well? I mean, are the Church of Jesus and God’s Latter-Day Mormonian Witnesses™ going to give me an award too?

And how about Romney’s highly conspicuous and thoroughly renown-a-spectable co-believer, co-worshipper, and co-Heaven-bound-space-traveller Tom Cruise?

Well? Where will it all end, huh? Christian gays?™ Gimme a break!


Actually… no, on second thoughts, I’ll just decide I’m actually subtly trying to gauge your authenticity; you got any Christian gays here? Well? No? Not really, ya say? Yeah, whatever!”

I also asked part-time radical sexologist and amateur pretty-damn-non-postmodern gender theory expert Rick Santorum for his views.

(Actually, doesn’t that more-or-less mean “pre-modern gender theory expert?” One of you amateur semanticists from the comments pages might know; or if not, I’m sure you can at least offer us some absolute, unqualified certainty about this pressing issue).

Santorum is scarcely more generous than Perry; more like curiously frustrated:

“I’ve always wanted to be a Papal Knight; that’s the reason I joined politics in the first place…

“My only desire has been serving others in a purely disinterested and selfless manner. And of course, I’ve always dreamed of grabbing; sorry, acquiring, some especially honorable and distinguished Vatican accolade along the way.

“The Church I’ve loved and served all my life has just passed me over. So, I might as well just admit I’ve been living a lie all these years! You know what I mean?”

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism0 Comments

The Funniest Fortune Cookie Messages

The Funniest Fortune Cookie Messages

Has anyone else noticed that there’s a day for everything? Women’s day (although we really should even it up and have Men’s Day), Book Day, Non-Smoking Day, Dress Like A Pirate Day etc.

Well, the list is growing – September 13 2014 was the first official international Fortune Cookie Day. For all those poor oppressed fortune cookies.

On the plus side, Fortune Cookie Day has prompted lists of hilarious fortune cookie messages from around the world – and Gala & Smosh were not to be outdone. Here is a list of some of the funniest fortune cookie messages from their lists: Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Society0 Comments

Adrian Peterson: “I Discipline My Children with Breadsticks”

Adrian Peterson: “I Discipline My Children with Breadsticks”

Minneapolis, Minnesota – Adrian Peterson has finally shed some light on the child abuse case brought against him last week that led to him being placed on the NFL’s exempt list.

“To be extremely blunt, I have always disciplined my kids by beating them with breadsticks,” Peterson said Wednesday afternoon at a news conference inside TCF Bank Stadium.

“Why do I choose breadsticks over a more lethal object? Because of their soft, buttery makeup, which is much gentler on the skin,” added Peterson before demonstrating his technique in front of the 200 people in attendance. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Sports Scandals3 Comments

Taylor Swift’s “Sh*t List”  Keeps Growing

Taylor Swift’s “Sh*t List” Keeps Growing

The ongoing feud between Taylor Swift and Katy Perry has reached a boiling point that even puts recent ISIS headlines to shame.

This bloody battle, comparable to the likes of Gettysburg, allegedly began over self-proclaimed asshole, John Mayor.

The most recent blow was struck by Swift. Known as America’s sweet tart, she recently accused “someone” of trying to steal several of her back up dancers mid-tour. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music2 Comments

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

One or two people might have been offended by the information included in my recent scoop on the Dalai Lama’s views on war crimes. Unfortunately, no apology or clarification from His Exalted Phatness has been forthcoming…

Instead, I have a second blunder to report (with all the wide-eyed sincerity a cynical satirical hack can muster).
Well, what is it this time?

Hmm… everybody’s favourite non-judgmental, peaceful and achingly groovy religious leader has given a word from the wise to all those bigoted, ignorant, lawless and unenlightened folks who look down on heroin dealers. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime, Religionism3 Comments

Kelly Clarkson Wants to be First Annoying US President

Kelly Clarkson Wants to be First Annoying US President

It had to happen one day…

We’ve already had the “First Black President™” (a white saxophone player from Arkansas), we’ve had an ACTUAL First Black President™, and there’s been talk of Hillary Clinton being the First Female President™.

I mean, you might have wondered when Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson and Marilyn Manson are casting their hats into the ring… Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music0 Comments

New Postage Stamp Baked as a Tribute to Extinct Restaurant Chain

New Postage Stamp Baked as a Tribute to Extinct Restaurant Chain

Washington, D.C. – In an effort to promote breadstick awareness following the loss of America’s beloved restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, the United States Postal Service has announced the release of a set of commemorative stamps honoring the breadsticks that were once offered complimentary with the purchase of any entrée.

“It’s a great day to be an American!” Said Lindsay Bahkedfriesh, President of the National Breadstick Association (N.B.A.).

“We need to spread the word regarding this tragic event so that we can avoid similar instances in the future. The Olive Garden breadstick will always have a place in our hearts and now Americans can be proud to erect this historic stamp in the right-hand corner of their envelopes,” a tearful Bahkedfriesh added, while sealing the back of an envelope with the garlic butter from a moist breadstick.

While some are joyful for the release of the new stamp, environmentalists see it as a sign of dangerous events to come.

“Since the collapse of this great restaurant, combined with the extinction of breadsticks that used to come complimentary with the order of any entrée, we have been tracking very unusual weather patterns that mimic the image of a large salad bowl,” said Lead Meteorologist, Gerald O’Buttre of the National Weather Center (NWC) located on the University of Oklahoma’s campus.

“These storms are picking up speed and ingredients at an alarming pace and are making mincemeat of anything in their path,” a very concerned O’Buttre added.

The Syfy channel, owned by NBCUniversal recently announced that they are releasing a made-for-tv movie entitled Breadsterastorm, portraying this theory and starring Eddie Murphy, Bill Pullman and America’s breadheart, Catherine Zeta-Jones. The film is expected to air Thanksgiving Day and is beginning to attract more interest from breadthusiasts everywhere.

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Posted in Science, Television5 Comments

Pat Robertson “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions

Pat Robertson “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions

After a lull of a few years, Pat Robertson has put his theometerology hat back on again.

Yes… Pastor Pat has yet another new theory to contribute for why the USA has experienced extreme weather conditions in recent years.

How so? Well, it turns out that God is just not a Belieber.

“Well… I don’t want to say for sure whether the Lord is punishing the USA because of this fine young man’s singing.

“I mean, I’m not gonna tell you to whom you shall listen and to whom you shall not. That is your choice, but I will just say this…

“Yes, if there is a nation in this world where certain young men wander from venue to venue and make these shrill demonic sounds, and no-one is there to say, “Hey, the People of God are not standing for this…

“Well, I’m not gonna be dogmatic… and say that the Lord is sending extreme weather conditions for this cause. But nevertheless, oftentimes the thought has indeed occurred to some good solid Christian folks… well, I will leave it to you to decide what you think.” (Sorry, my ™ button just broke).

But these comments have enraged several theological experts of a more liberal religious bent.

“No, no, no!” says Nancy Pelosi. “That’s not the God I worship! How cruel! I mean, hating on Bieber! No way!”

Oprah Winfrey concurs: “I mean, I’m with you Pelosi, I’m pretty vague on what God I worship, but it sure isn’t that one!”

Pelosi and Oprah’s views are by no means unrepresentative among those of a more clerical background:

“Shame on this man!” thunders mild-mannered Episcopalian John Shelby Spong, spitting fire and brimstone:

“I mean, for shame! This is why so many people think God is a murderous tyrant. A world without catchy pop-tunes, that would be Hell on Earth! Not being opportunistic here; but you see what I mean about Heaven and Hell being on this earth and not some far-off beyond?”

And even Bill O’Reilly, a Traditional Catholic™, is absolutely livid at the Pastor’s words:

“You know what! I have absolutely no idea why Pastor Robertson said that. Right? It’s unbelievable! It’s incredible! Just incredible…

“I mean, if God wanted to punish us for that kid, and make the punishment fit the crime, he would just have flattened this whole continent with a snap of his fingers!”

However, Pope Francis has rebuked Pelosi (again) for bringing the Church’s name into disrepute:

“Of course I agree that Justin Bieber’s music is an abomination,” says His Holiness, with the utmost gravity. “Why would God not think so too?”

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Posted in Music, Religionism0 Comments

Brief Dating Site Blah Blah Whatever [VIDEO]

Brief Dating Site Blah Blah Whatever [VIDEO]

Dating sites pride themselves on how complicated they are. This site breaks that mold by asking you to do less and less.

“Almost nothing, really,” said Byron Dwight, CEO and actual site member. “Just a quick tl;dr of yourself and we’ll get you matched up with someone.”

TL;DR is an internet abbreviation meaning “too long; didn’t read,” and it’s the big selling point of Tillder Dating. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology, Video News3 Comments

EPA Report: ALS ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Responsible for 34% Decrease in Polar Ice Caps

EPA Report: ALS ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Responsible for 34% Decrease in Polar Ice Caps

WASHINGTON – In an alarming press conference delivered this afternoon, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Gina McCarthy announced that the ALS “Ice Bucket Challenge,” which has, since June 30th, gone viral on social media websites like Facebook and Twitter, is estimated to be responsible for at least a 34% reduction in the mass of arctic sea ice. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Internets Tubes1 Comment

H.H. Dalai Lama: War Crimes Are Matter of Context

H.H. Dalai Lama: War Crimes Are Matter of Context

Everybody knows that unlike all the “Abrahamic Religions”™ like Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Baha’i, Rastafarianism, etc., Buddhism is in a class of its own.

But why? Obviously, because people belonging to all other religions have practiced patriarchy, homophobia, racism, and the odd spot of religious persecution…

On the other hand, as every herb-smoking New Age traveler knows in their heart, Buddhism is the one religion on earth where there has never been a war, or any sort of persecution, prejudice or discrimination whatsoever.

However, this universally acknowledged common sense fact is becoming increasingly difficult to square with some of the more erratic rulings recently attributed to the entirely authoritative and infallible teachings of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, known to countless beer-addled student activists as H.H.

(No, I mean really infallible, not like the Pope, who is only called infallible; and who is not ACTUALLY infallible. Learn the difference, chip!)

Well, what did the world’s most peaceful, non-discriminatory, and non-political religious leader have to say that has provoked such opprobrium? The Dalai Lama has stated that looting, pillaging and burning villages may be acceptable in a military context if it is not done in a spirit of rage and malice.

“Now, as I have so often said, my way is a middle way™. If you are motivated to commit some kind of war atrocity out of fear, anger or a general negative attitude™ towards the villagers, this is bad karma™, indeed a serious error.

“Yes, this will considerably hinder your progress (unless, perhaps, an enlightened figure will bestow some merit on you). But if your action is motivated by compassion™, or at least by a certain detachment™, a dispassionate motivation™, then your action may have few or no negative karmic consequences™.”

These remarks have caused outrage among many observers; at least among some people who are not currently in a soporific George-Harrison-LP-induced daze. An anonymous source in China says:

“Well, we have been telling the world for years about this man, about how he is a liar and a charlatan. Now the mask has slipped, and he has shown his true colors. Maybe now fewer people will be fooled.”

Still, Richard Gere has stepped up to defend his buddy and spiritual comrade-in-arms:

“You know, it shows you how little respect people have for His Holiness when people are queuing up to disparage him™ in this way. This is a man of peace™, you know like Nelson Mandela, Che Guevara, Hugo Chavez, Kim Il-Sung, all these people.”

Well, OK. Glad that’s settled then.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism5 Comments

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