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Adrian Peterson: “I Discipline My Children with Breadsticks”

Adrian Peterson: “I Discipline My Children with Breadsticks”

Minneapolis, Minnesota – Adrian Peterson has finally shed some light on the child abuse case brought against him last week that led to him being placed on the NFL’s exempt list.

“To be extremely blunt, I have always disciplined my kids by beating them with breadsticks,” Peterson said Wednesday afternoon at a news conference inside TCF Bank Stadium.

“Why do I choose breadsticks over a more lethal object? Because of their soft, buttery makeup, which is much gentler on the skin,” added Peterson before demonstrating his technique in front of the 200 people in attendance. Continue Reading

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Taylor Swift’s “Sh*t List”  Keeps Growing

Taylor Swift’s “Sh*t List” Keeps Growing

The ongoing feud between Taylor Swift and Katy Perry has reached a boiling point that even puts recent ISIS headlines to shame.

This bloody battle, comparable to the likes of Gettysburg, allegedly began over self-proclaimed asshole, John Mayor.

The most recent blow was struck by Swift. Known as America’s sweet tart, she recently accused “someone” of trying to steal several of her back up dancers mid-tour. Continue Reading

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Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

Another Dalai Lama Gaffe: Heroin-Pushing A-OK, if Intention Good

One or two people might have been offended by the information included in my recent scoop on the Dalai Lama’s views on war crimes. Unfortunately, no apology or clarification from His Exalted Phatness has been forthcoming…

Instead, I have a second blunder to report (with all the wide-eyed sincerity a cynical satirical hack can muster).
Well, what is it this time?

Hmm… everybody’s favourite non-judgmental, peaceful and achingly groovy religious leader has given a word from the wise to all those bigoted, ignorant, lawless and unenlightened folks who look down on heroin dealers. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Crime, Religionism3 Comments

Kelly Clarkson Wants to be First Annoying US President

Kelly Clarkson Wants to be First Annoying US President

It had to happen one day…

We’ve already had the “First Black President™” (a white saxophone player from Arkansas), we’ve had an ACTUAL First Black President™, and there’s been talk of Hillary Clinton being the First Female President™.

I mean, you might have wondered when Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson and Marilyn Manson are casting their hats into the ring… Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music0 Comments

New Postage Stamp Baked as a Tribute to Extinct Restaurant Chain

New Postage Stamp Baked as a Tribute to Extinct Restaurant Chain

Washington, D.C. – In an effort to promote breadstick awareness following the loss of America’s beloved restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, the United States Postal Service has announced the release of a set of commemorative stamps honoring the breadsticks that were once offered complimentary with the purchase of any entrée.

“It’s a great day to be an American!” Said Lindsay Bahkedfriesh, President of the National Breadstick Association (N.B.A.).

“We need to spread the word regarding this tragic event so that we can avoid similar instances in the future. The Olive Garden breadstick will always have a place in our hearts and now Americans can be proud to erect this historic stamp in the right-hand corner of their envelopes,” a tearful Bahkedfriesh added, while sealing the back of an envelope with the garlic butter from a moist breadstick.

While some are joyful for the release of the new stamp, environmentalists see it as a sign of dangerous events to come.

“Since the collapse of this great restaurant, combined with the extinction of breadsticks that used to come complimentary with the order of any entrée, we have been tracking very unusual weather patterns that mimic the image of a large salad bowl,” said Lead Meteorologist, Gerald O’Buttre of the National Weather Center (NWC) located on the University of Oklahoma’s campus.

“These storms are picking up speed and ingredients at an alarming pace and are making mincemeat of anything in their path,” a very concerned O’Buttre added.

The Syfy channel, owned by NBCUniversal recently announced that they are releasing a made-for-tv movie entitled Breadsterastorm, portraying this theory and starring Eddie Murphy, Bill Pullman and America’s breadheart, Catherine Zeta-Jones. The film is expected to air Thanksgiving Day and is beginning to attract more interest from breadthusiasts everywhere.

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Pat Robertson “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions

Pat Robertson “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions

After a lull of a few years, Pat Robertson has put his theometerology hat back on again.

Yes… Pastor Pat has yet another new theory to contribute for why the USA has experienced extreme weather conditions in recent years.

How so? Well, it turns out that God is just not a Belieber.

“Well… I don’t want to say for sure whether the Lord is punishing the USA because of this fine young man’s singing.

“I mean, I’m not gonna tell you to whom you shall listen and to whom you shall not. That is your choice, but I will just say this…

“Yes, if there is a nation in this world where certain young men wander from venue to venue and make these shrill demonic sounds, and no-one is there to say, “Hey, the People of God are not standing for this…

“Well, I’m not gonna be dogmatic… and say that the Lord is sending extreme weather conditions for this cause. But nevertheless, oftentimes the thought has indeed occurred to some good solid Christian folks… well, I will leave it to you to decide what you think.” (Sorry, my ™ button just broke).

But these comments have enraged several theological experts of a more liberal religious bent.

“No, no, no!” says Nancy Pelosi. “That’s not the God I worship! How cruel! I mean, hating on Bieber! No way!”

Oprah Winfrey concurs: “I mean, I’m with you Pelosi, I’m pretty vague on what God I worship, but it sure isn’t that one!”

Pelosi and Oprah’s views are by no means unrepresentative among those of a more clerical background:

“Shame on this man!” thunders mild-mannered Episcopalian John Shelby Spong, spitting fire and brimstone:

“I mean, for shame! This is why so many people think God is a murderous tyrant. A world without catchy pop-tunes, that would be Hell on Earth! Not being opportunistic here; but you see what I mean about Heaven and Hell being on this earth and not some far-off beyond?”

And even Bill O’Reilly, a Traditional Catholic™, is absolutely livid at the Pastor’s words:

“You know what! I have absolutely no idea why Pastor Robertson said that. Right? It’s unbelievable! It’s incredible! Just incredible…

“I mean, if God wanted to punish us for that kid, and make the punishment fit the crime, he would just have flattened this whole continent with a snap of his fingers!”

However, Pope Francis has rebuked Pelosi (again) for bringing the Church’s name into disrepute:

“Of course I agree that Justin Bieber’s music is an abomination,” says His Holiness, with the utmost gravity. “Why would God not think so too?”

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Brief Dating Site Blah Blah Whatever [VIDEO]

Brief Dating Site Blah Blah Whatever [VIDEO]

Dating sites pride themselves on how complicated they are. This site breaks that mold by asking you to do less and less.

“Almost nothing, really,” said Byron Dwight, CEO and actual site member. “Just a quick tl;dr of yourself and we’ll get you matched up with someone.”

TL;DR is an internet abbreviation meaning “too long; didn’t read,” and it’s the big selling point of Tillder Dating. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Technology, Video News3 Comments

EPA Report: ALS ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Responsible for 34% Decrease in Polar Ice Caps

EPA Report: ALS ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Responsible for 34% Decrease in Polar Ice Caps

WASHINGTON – In an alarming press conference delivered this afternoon, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Gina McCarthy announced that the ALS “Ice Bucket Challenge,” which has, since June 30th, gone viral on social media websites like Facebook and Twitter, is estimated to be responsible for at least a 34% reduction in the mass of arctic sea ice. Continue Reading

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Posted in Environment, Internets Tubes1 Comment

H.H. Dalai Lama: War Crimes Are Matter of Context

H.H. Dalai Lama: War Crimes Are Matter of Context

Everybody knows that unlike all the “Abrahamic Religions”™ like Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Baha’i, Rastafarianism, etc., Buddhism is in a class of its own.

But why? Obviously, because people belonging to all other religions have practiced patriarchy, homophobia, racism, and the odd spot of religious persecution…

On the other hand, as every herb-smoking New Age traveler knows in their heart, Buddhism is the one religion on earth where there has never been a war, or any sort of persecution, prejudice or discrimination whatsoever.

However, this universally acknowledged common sense fact is becoming increasingly difficult to square with some of the more erratic rulings recently attributed to the entirely authoritative and infallible teachings of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, known to countless beer-addled student activists as H.H.

(No, I mean really infallible, not like the Pope, who is only called infallible; and who is not ACTUALLY infallible. Learn the difference, chip!)

Well, what did the world’s most peaceful, non-discriminatory, and non-political religious leader have to say that has provoked such opprobrium? The Dalai Lama has stated that looting, pillaging and burning villages may be acceptable in a military context if it is not done in a spirit of rage and malice.

“Now, as I have so often said, my way is a middle way™. If you are motivated to commit some kind of war atrocity out of fear, anger or a general negative attitude™ towards the villagers, this is bad karma™, indeed a serious error.

“Yes, this will considerably hinder your progress (unless, perhaps, an enlightened figure will bestow some merit on you). But if your action is motivated by compassion™, or at least by a certain detachment™, a dispassionate motivation™, then your action may have few or no negative karmic consequences™.”

These remarks have caused outrage among many observers; at least among some people who are not currently in a soporific George-Harrison-LP-induced daze. An anonymous source in China says:

“Well, we have been telling the world for years about this man, about how he is a liar and a charlatan. Now the mask has slipped, and he has shown his true colors. Maybe now fewer people will be fooled.”

Still, Richard Gere has stepped up to defend his buddy and spiritual comrade-in-arms:

“You know, it shows you how little respect people have for His Holiness when people are queuing up to disparage him™ in this way. This is a man of peace™, you know like Nelson Mandela, Che Guevara, Hugo Chavez, Kim Il-Sung, all these people.”

Well, OK. Glad that’s settled then.

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Amidst Crisis in Gaza, Fox Announces New Reality Series ‘Going Gazan’

Amidst Crisis in Gaza, Fox Announces New Reality Series ‘Going Gazan’

In a move sure to invite controversy, Fox Television executive Brandon Webber yesterday announced the network has just completed shooting a pilot for a planned reality series set on the border between Israel and the Gaza Strip.

‘Going Gazan,’ which Webber describes as a “rough synthesis” of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ and ‘Breaking Bad,’ is filmed in the Israeli city of Sderot, which lies less than a mile from Gaza.

It follows the relationship between the Coens (Joel, a plastic surgeon; his wife Sarah, a fashion designer and interior decorator; and their two children) and the Hadads (Alim, a banker; his wife Ayah, a psychiatrist; and their three children). Continue Reading

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‘What Dreams Shall Come’ – A Spoof Tribute To Robin Williams

‘What Dreams Shall Come’ – A Spoof Tribute To Robin Williams

Suicides where always a pain for Detective Malny. Always ugly. Always depressing, although he never let that show.

This one especially.

Robin Williams.
One of the most famous comics ever.
The guy who always made people laugh.
Found hanging by a belt. By his own hands.

He was met at the house by Detective Tromsa, one of the first ones on the scene, someone he had worked with often before.

“Hello. It looks like we got a big one today.”

“Yeah, we sure do. Robin Williams. It’s pretty obvious he killed himself.”

Malny backed up and looked over the house. “Of all people.”

“Yeah, said Tromsa. “You wouldn’t expect it from him.”

“You never know.” said Malny. ‘Sometimes these people have things going on that no one realizes. No evidence of foul play?”

“None. It is pretty obvious that it is simply a suicide.”

“Any note or anything?

‘No, just his cell phone.”

“Anything on it?”

“Haven’t looked yet.”

“Let’s check that out.” (They talk as Tromsa investigates the phone messages.) I was never a big fan of his, but he seemed like a decent guy.’

“Yeah. But he got into the typical Hollywood cocaine crap. That could have something to do with it. It looks like he went into rehab a month ago. His wife also said he has been diagnosed with Parkinsons.”

“Ooh. That will do it. That’s that same thing that Micheal J. Fox has, isn’t it?”

“I believe so.” said Tromsa. “That would be enough to send anyone over the edge.” He scans the telephone as he talks. “I’ve seen a couple films of his that were good. Good Will Hunting was great. Not his typical role. He had to play it pretty straight. La Cage Aux Folles was a hoot. He played this gay cabaret owner with Gene Hackman as his straight brother in law.”

“Ha! That must have made for some fireworks!”

“Yeah! And the weird part of it was Williams wasn’t his usual manic self. He was more subdued!”

“You are kidding? Playing a gay guy?”

“Yup, playing a gay guy. You would think he would go all out on that one.”

“I liked a couple of his too.” admitted Malny. “Good Morning Vietnam was good. Then he did a weird one called What Dreams May Come where he dies and goes to heaven…”

“Oh yeah! And he meets Cuba Gooding there who is his guide. That was a trippy one. Incredible scenery of heaven. He finds out his wife has gotten depressed and killed herself and he searches for her.”

‘Yeah, that was a wild movie. The special effects were unbelievable.”

“I really liked that one. It was beautifully made……..” Tromsa trails off, looking at the phone. “That is strange.”

“What is it?”

“There is a message here from Williams himself it looks like.’

“A phone message?”

“No, a text message.”

“What is so strange about that?”

“The time of his death was around midnight. This message is from 4 AM.”

“What? Are you sure it is from Williams himself?”

“That or from someone using his phone.”

“What does it say?”

Lines deepen on Tromsas face. “What Dreams May Come is true!’

“That;s bizarre! And it has Williams own number attached to it?”

It sure looks that way.” said Tromsa.

“Let me see.” he takes the phone. “Someone must be making a joke.”

“Who would have known about his death?”

“Wait a minute! There is a message coming through right now!”

“A text?”

“Yes.”

“What does it say”

Malny is silent as he reads the message. Finally, in a hushed voice he says “What Dreams May Come is real. I can see it now for myself. I apologize for leaving the mess.”

Tromsa gazes down at the phone in his hand. “What number is on display?”

“Williams own.” says Malny breathlessly.

The men both fall silent as they stare down at the phone. Finally Malny says something. “Unlisted number?”

‘Yes.”

“No one outside the family and his assistant know about his death?”

“Yes.”

Malny looks at Tromsa. ‘I don’t think I am going to report this.”

“Good idea.” replies Tromsa.

Both of the men, each of them well seasoned LA cops, turn to go about their work, both a bit paler than usual, both with unvoiceable questions coming to the forefront of their thoughts.

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Harry Potter Breaks Hollywood Gag-clause, Stuns World Leaders into Unscheduled Epic Three Minutes of Silence

Harry Potter Breaks Hollywood Gag-clause, Stuns World Leaders into Unscheduled Epic Three Minutes of Silence

Harry Potter breaks Warner Brothers contractual gag-clauses. The wizard reveals What Must Not Be Spoken in the News Media Anywhere in the Muggle World.

Here, for the first time, the shocking truth behind why one of the world’s most famous wizards was forced to live a double life as Daniel Radcliffe in the Muggle World since he signed with the Hollywood movie studio.

Potter spoke on the record with investigative journalist Sophia-Bigg-Storm about how the White House-Hollywood-Military-Media Propaganda Complex censored all wizards and witches who appeared in the Harry Potter movies from talking about a 900-year old Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War waged for financial control of the Muggle World.

Credit Conjurer: Ex-Wall Street & London banker, John Key, as New Zealand’s prime minister uses his Money Tree Wand to borrow $300m a week from a “foreign pixie” to keep the economy ‘solvent’.

Credit Conjurer: Ex-Wall Street & London banker, John Key, as New Zealand’s prime minister uses his Money Tree Wand to borrow billions from a “foreign pixie” to keep the economy of Lorde’s homeland ‘solvent’.

By Sophia Bigg-Storm, 13 August 2014

Raining on the Dark Wizards’ Parades

Wizard Harry Potter has shocked the Dark Forces of the Magical Realm that rule over the Muggle World.

The shock is not so much because Harry Potter spoke about the double life he has lived as Daniel Radcliffe in the Muggle World since he signed with the Warner Brothers movie studio to make the Harry Potter film series. Every muggle kid over the age of big six has worked this out and told their parents, but they have been disbelieved by their ‘know-betters’.

Rather, Potter has rocked the White House-Hollywood-Military-Media Propaganda Complex because he has spoken to a non-aligned news-outlet located in the Muggle World about an epic war being fought between Dark Wizards and Goblins. (It is a war fought mostly between males, because they dominate the top positions of banking and other major institutions; a fact which is a major gap in feminist scholarship due to the Ministry of Magic’s censorship power over education in the Muggle World).

This war has intensified in the last four decades. In short, the magical creatures are using their powers in a clichéd fight over the politics of money.

Potter stated that Warner Brothers movie studio had written gag-clauses into all the wizards and witches contracts, including his and his co-stars’ – witch, Hermione Granger and wizard, Ron Weasley. The Hollywood executives anticipated as the magically-gifted stars grew older, they would learn about the Wizard-Goblin’s Bankers’ War and likely try to alert entertainment-hungry naïve muggles about it. The wizard said they tried on numerous occasions to tell muggle reporters, but they would think the three young wizards were playing on the accepted separation between make-believe and make-real.

Furthermore, Potter explained key insiders of the world’s major news outlets have access to the major magical-stream media newspaper, the Daily Prophet, and like the world’s political leaders, they are well-briefed on the Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War.

The wizard said these key insiders were offered interviews with numerous wizards and witches, but all rebuffed the opportunities, except The Washington Post, whose dyslexic reporting duo, Bob Woodward Jnr and Carl Bernstein Jnr, fantasized about scooping Magicgate, but they became becaged with fear and ‘chickened-out’ at the last minute.

Moreover, Potter’s interview with the non-aligned news outlet Snoopman News in Auckland New Zealand, was sent to all the world’s major news outlets via the Daily Prophet newspaper and a planet-wide muggle media blackout on the scoop followed. We also contacted our secret sources in the Obama administration, who checked White House transcripts of phone calls, memos and other communications that are currently blocked from being ritualistically leaked. Those sources confirmed Harry Potter’s story, but could not risk providing communications at this time.

Fraternal Friends: The world’s major muggle-stream media outlets maintain a black-out on the Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War.

Fraternal Friends: The world’s major muggle-stream media outlets maintain a black-out on the Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War.

Because of this worldwide censorship by unofficial means, numerous Light-working Wizards and Witches decided that it was time to break the Ministry of Magic’s law. That law stipulates that wizard and witches Must Not Reveal the Magical Realm to the Muggle World. But, the Light-working Wizards and Witches decided that unless they did, muggles would certainly become enslaved forever by debt, which had been sneakily added, like death and taxes, to life.

To this end, Harry Potter was sent via a hi-speed magnetized train network that runs through a natural tunnel labyrinth within the Earth’s crusty rock, to a far-flung outpost of the American Empire, the New Zealand ‘rock-star’ economy, where all musicians get by making coffee, not music. Except purple-lipped Lorde, who was chosen to be Queen Bee so that middle-class bees would channel their futile upper-class aspirations into consumer identity projects to keep the over-hyped economy working for the rich.

Potter said, “We’ve been extremely concerned about the fight between Dark Witches and Wizards and their enemies, the Goblin Bankers for some time.” A capitalist fraternity of Dark Wizards and Witches had struggled, throughout time and between the magical and muggle realms, with Goblin bankers for world domination, the wizard actor said.

World Domination by Finance

The famous wizard said that the American Empire has used its military power to force or coerce nearly every country in the world to trade oil in US dollars, during an interview that took place at night on the mean streets of Auckland, New Zealand’s largest city, in the middle of a week-long storm.

Harry Potter said, “[t]he US dollar, which has been the world’s unofficial world currency since World War II, is backed by the United States’ muggle military, and not gold or silver as it has been at various times.” By making the US dollar the central currency to trade oil, the world has, in effect, been financing the Dark Wizard’s militarization of the far-flung planet, Potter explained.

Presidential War Tree Wand: Obama carries the war wand when in transit in case the Dark Wizards order another war.

Presidential War Tree Wand: Obama carries the war wand when in transit in case the Dark Wizards order another war.

As audacious as that plot is, the Fraternity of Dark Wizard bankers and their rival Goblin bankers have burdened the world with debt to the tune of over $100 trillion. Potter stated, “The Fraternities of Dark Wizard and Goblin Bankers have captured most nation states during the last nine centuries through wars and terrorism, and other forms of traumatizing drama, including financial, economic and psychological warfare, with religious beliefs playing a major supporting role.

Their purpose has been to ensure that spineless governments borrow off the spiffily-dressed bankers, rather than control the issuance of the currencies and credit through their dimly-lit state treasuries, Potter said. As a result, most governments lack the sovereign power to supply their jurisdictions with the right proportion of debt-free currency and interest-free credit to facilitate the creation of resilient, sustainable and peaceful grown-up societies.

It gets worse.

Banks as Tools of Conquest

The rivalrous Dark Wizards and Goblin Bankers all over the world ensure the supply of cash is scarce. “Due to this enforced scarcity, most muggles are restricted from earning enough and they are coerced to borrow from the banking fraternities,” Potter said. “So, muggles toil away without realizing that darkly magical bankers are the great masters of central planning. Hitler would have creamed his Hugo Boss trousers if he’d been able to recruit the worst of them.”

Gringotts Bank, City of London: Knows Who’s Who of Richest in the Magical Realm and Muggle World That Bankers Must Not Name.

Gringotts Bank, City of London: Goblins Know Who’s Who of Richest in the Magical Realm and Muggle World That Bankers Must Not Name.

The Light-working wizard stated the Dark Wizard and Goblin bankers do not actually lend money they have when they brazenly make loans. It turns out that credit is simply magical money conjured into existence out of annoyingly thin air at the time naïve muggle ‘borrowers’ agree to make payments in the future to service the ‘loan’.

Sellers of goods and services bought on credit deposit the credit funds throughout the banking system. These funds get counted as new deposits. Low-level bean-counters, posh auditors and bank fraud units with 1980′s furniture have yet to cotton on to this system-wide swindle, Potter said. “Because they’ve learned their professions by rote-learning, instead of retaining a famously four-year old’s ‘But, why?’ curiosity, they fail to question where the money came from to inflate these massive credit bubbles.”

The sneaky banks use the deposits, “to buy interest-bearing treasury securities, corporate bonds and other financial instruments, like shares” to ‘earn’ easy income off, lamented the wizard-actor. It is upon that base of deposits that banks make new ‘loans’, also conjured into existence out of annoyingly thin air.

“What this means,” explained Potter, “is that the entire hexed Muggle race is forced to compete for the cash that the Dark Wizard and Goblin bankers keep scarce, in order to try to make enough money to pay the ‘loans’ and interest.”

“Because the Dark Capitalist Wizards, Witches and Goblins are so well-connected to their magical insiders working in politics, judiciaries, militaries, royal palaces, academia, ecclesiastical and media institutions, their spells over muggles are tricky to break”, Potter said with a raised eyebrow, indicating he could hardly believe how this brazen dark network of ‘has-beens’ has been able to fool even self-important low-level bean counters. “What’s more, the alliances can be blurred because you get some who empathize with their official enemy because of the universal magic power that jolts even muggles out of their rigidity: love.”

Dark Royalty Blood

We reached Britomart Train Station in downtown Auckland, New Zealand, and stepped into the wall at Platform 3 and One Third. We were now among the hubbub of the magical world in the underground Transcontinental Train Transport station where trains run on time due to the charm, Give-a-Shitus (New Zealand magical slang for caring).

Potter retrieved his wand and with the drying charm, exaresco, he made us dry again. We said goodbye. I saw what I thought was childrens’ purple water-colour paint on the pavement. “Purple paint!” I blurted to escape embarrassment of the fan-girlish feeling that came over me.

Harry followed my gaze and exclaimed, “Wizard blood … or witch blood.”

“I thought witch and wizard blood was red,” I said.

“Not Dark Royalty blood,” said Potter, as we both tracked the purple blood splotches that started where I stood and led to the super-fast magnetic propulsion train, which took only three hours to travel to the opposite side of the planet. “It’s always purple!”

Dark Wizard or Witch Blood? A sign that a wounded Dark Royal boarded the fast train back to London.

Dark Wizard or Witch Blood? A sign that a wounded Dark Royal boarded the fast train back to London.

Potter boarded. “Be careful Harry,” I called. “New Zealand’s darkly magical fraternity can be vile when drunk.”

I could see him following the trail of blood up an aisle, with his wand ready to zap at danger.

Potter swung around and I jumped. He opened a window. “Hermione wrote up notes and a list of references for you to use with the interview,” Potter called out, handing me a notebook with a green owl on the cover.

We both laughed hard. Harry Potter closed the carriage window a moment before the train bolted into the night throwing him hard against a seat.

I realized then that Harry Potter is one of the bravest, big-hearted people I have met. It would be shallow to write-off the risks that Potter takes simply because he is gifted with magical powers. To think that would mean to be suckered into the media persona conjured by J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers.

Most people of privilege, including middle-class muggles, are too scaredy-cat to investigate the truth behind ‘the news’ themselves.

Whereas, Harry Potter is using his privilege to help zoned-out muggles see that what little freedom they have is in peril and to believe in their own source of magic: intuition, imagination and inquisitiveness.

Not Just Fiction: Wizard Harry Potter slipped away from his day-job at the Ministry of Magic’s Auror Office, the magical agents who apprehend Dark Wizards.

Not Just Fiction: Wizard Harry Potter slipped away from his day-job at the Ministry of Magic’s Auror Office, the magical agents who apprehend Dark Wizards.

As I reached our world headquarters, where our researching elves were busy chatting on Facebook, I wondered what color would be used to depict witches’ blood in tampon and sanitary-pad commercials in the magical realm.

I told some of the elves that Harry Potter had recognized the purple blood of a wizard or witch. The elves, many of whom are studying Public Relations because it is lucrative, easy work to do undercover, stopped Face-booking only to ask if they could post the photos, without hearing the full story. They could get work as journalists anywhere in the world, I thought, especially since many reporters, who regard themselves as ninjas of the internet, no longer leave their desks.

The elves said they did not know what colour witches’ period blood would be depicted in commercials. But, they said it would certainly not be purple. Not with Wizards and male Goblins controlling darkly magical capitalism.

====================

Amazonian-American journalist Sophia Bigg-Storm tried to break the story that World I and World II were conjured by an Anglo-American Brotherhood who conspired to dominate the world by controlling oil and finance, through a system enforced by military aggression, subversion and other intrigues. Bigg-Storm’s investigations were suppressed by her former employer, The National Enquirer, a newspaper that movie critics think is just make-believe because it was depicted in the film Citizen Kane. She was recently gifted Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth on a recent holiday to her ancestral home of Paradise Island, which is driving other reporters mad with envy. SEE: Snoopman News http://snoopman.net.nz

SEE ALSO: Harry Potter’s Suppressed Interview (Edited Transcript) at: http://snoopman.net.nz/?p=1808

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Man Buys First CD in 12-Years; It’s Macklemore

Man Buys First CD in 12-Years; It’s Macklemore

Mock as you will, but first consider that the man in question is me, and I literally haven’t bought a CD in 12 years. Why the hell would I?

I’m not saying I’m a pirate, because I’m not. Perhaps I’ve had some pirate-adjacent tendencies since the advent of every program that emerged in the wake of Napster’s shutdown. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music2 Comments

Sharknado: The Second One Bites!

Sharknado: The Second One Bites!

I have to admit, I liked the first Sharknado. It was so unpretentiously bad with an overtly self-mocking flavor, it was easy to just sit back and enjoy the total disregard for logic.

When they announced a sequel, I exercised the same cautious enthusiasm I had about a Piranha 3D sequel. These things can either get better with a bigger budget…or crash and burn like flaming hammerheads.

Guess which path Sharknado: The Second One followed? Continue Reading

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Billionaire Fantasizes About Teleporting, Reading Minds

Billionaire Fantasizes About Teleporting, Reading Minds

REDWOOD CITY, CA — While waiting for board members of his multinational corporation to convene, Oracle founder Larry Ellison reportedly daydreamed about possessing superpowers.

“Can you imagine how amazing it would be to teleport anywhere with a single thought?” mused Ellison, who is worth over $50.5 billion and owns two private jets.

“The first thing I’d do is see how far I could teleport and how often. Once I figured out the basics, that’s when the real fun would start. I’d definitely find a way to teleport right behind Billy [Bill Gates] when he’s on his private yacht, just to see the look on his face. Continue Reading

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Scoop!- Glossy Acquires Titles Of  Future Ann Coulter Books

Scoop!- Glossy Acquires Titles Of Future Ann Coulter Books

Ann Coulter, that famous extreme right wing author and the wicked witch of the North East That Baum didn’t write so much about in his Oz books is forever coming out with new literary tirades against those who, unlike herself, are not raised in families where you are constantly batted over the head with conservative ideals.

She believes that everyone should be like herself: demeaning, mean spirited, acid blooded, pale and fascist. Her main claim to fortune is the ability to every year or so come out with another book warning the world of how there are liberals around much like bedbugs in your mattress out to suck every drop of blood in your veins until you are a withered, dried up corpse, much like Ms. Coulter herself. Continue Reading

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