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Oprah Tackles The Great Outdoors, Announces Release of New Book

Oprah Tackles The Great Outdoors, Announces Release of New Book

Pale Rock, Arkansas – Following a fishing trip to the serene estuaries between the Ozark and Ouachita Mountains where Oprah Winfrey manhandled some extremely large fish, the popular talk show host has released a new book detailing her experience. “It really was an amazing experience,” Oprah stated during a recent show in which she cleaned and gutted a 230 pound Mike Trout that she caught during her trip. “I’m not a huge fan of touching the guts, but this particular fish had much smaller balls, so it wasn’t an issue,” Winfrey added. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Entertainment2 Comments

Seven Movies That Could Be Considered An Upgrade Upon The Books They Were Based Upon.

Seven Movies That Could Be Considered An Upgrade Upon The Books They Were Based Upon.

The constant thing said about movies based on books is always “how much better the book is.” On occasion, however, it does occur that the movie can go further than the book. A prime example of this is the sci-fi classic ’2001 – A Space Odyssey’, the movie spectacular that transformed outer space movies from being campy kid stuff to being sleek, intelligent, well wrought adventures of the mind and spirit. The addition of HAL to the story, a renegade computer with the personality of C3PO and the cunning of Darth Vader, became a legendary sci fi ‘character’.
It is based on a short story called ‘The Sentinel’ by Arthur C. Clark, a genuine British scientist and renowned science fiction writer who helped director Stanley Kubrik write the screenplay which was considerable longer than the original story. Whereas the original story is perhaps a couple dozen pages long, the final novelization of the movie was book length long.

Tom Cruise had to give up a year and a half of his life to star in another Kubrik odyssey called ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ although the eyes of all the males in the audience were wide open when Tom’s real life wife Nicole Kidman opens the film with a strip tease in the very first scene. Later scenes amplified the amount of well maintained and proportioned naked female flesh that flattered the screen as Cruises character searches out a dirty rich men’s sex party complete with a June Tayler dancer like bit with all the luscious ladies a’ la buff’. Tom probably later regretted his long employment under Kubrik as he normally would have made several films in the same time which is proved by the Guiness Book of World records saying that ‘Eyes’ is the longest continuous made film ever made, taking 400 days to complete. Eyes ended up doing well in the theaters, taking in $162 million worldwide despite its strong sexual content. Kubrik himself although didn’t fare so well as he died five days after the film was finished.

‘Eyes Wide Shut’ is based upon an old German novella entitled ‘Dream Story’ by Arthur Schnitzler. It is a good and deep read, but without the depth and complexity that Kubrik gives it. Also it is minus the visuals of all the Playboy quality naked women. Strangely, Kubrik originally wanted to make the movie a comedy starring Woody Allen or Steve Martin.

‘Forrest Gump’ was the best selling book by Winston Groom. It concerns the unexpected adventures of a mentally diminished southern boy, who, despite his naivete and weak brain power, goes on to achieve minor miracles in his life. The film, with Tom Hanks embodying the half wit, gives it the star power that brought millions to view it. Director Zemeckis added his own touches to the story that gave it more dimension and spiced it with all the wonders that the radical 60′s had going. The crème of the cake was the rambunctious music of the time that gave Gump such great emotional appeal. Little Zemeckis touches made it scrumptious, such as Gump being edited into famous film footage of all the Presidents of the times. It also turns out that Gump was the unwitting author of many of the famous phrases we have grown up with including “Shit happens”.

One thing that the book has that the film doesn’t is that Forrest and Jenny “do it all over the place” where as in the movie they only ‘do it’ once–enough to produce a son. In the literary version he also gets to be an astronaut.
The film went on to be a huge hit internationally and has been included into the Library of Congresses national film registry as one of the greats of all time. A minor scandal ensued when it was realized that while Zemeckis and Hanks racked up big bucks with the film, Groom got diddly squat.

‘Polar Express’ is mostly a visually lavish childrens picture book with a bare bones story written and illustrated by Chris Van Allsburg. The tale of four children on their way to the North Pole was a winner as a book and a triumph of the imagination as a film. Director Zemeckis (again) turned it into a colorful opus using digital wizardry and the voice power of actor Tom Hanks (again), the same actor who sent Forest Gump off the charts. Whereas the book could be read in 5 minutes, the movie is a dazzling 100. The film also brought in $306 million dollars and was nominated for 3 Oscars–nothing to sneeze at, even if you are at the North Pole. Both the book and the movie are now considered to be Christmas classics.

All three of the latest Batman movies, ‘Batman Returns’, ‘The Dark Knight’ and ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ by director Christopher Nolan are heads and tails above the original comics in every way possible. While kudos must be given to inspireers Bob Kane and Bill Finger for inventing the masked avenger in the first place way back in 1939, it must be admitted that by today’s standards it was poorly drawn and a real basic story.

While the drawing and writing of the comic series has grown more sophisticated over the years, it took a major evolutionary leap with the publication of the ‘Dark Knight Returns’ by Frank Miller in 1986 transforming it from a cheap comic to an art form both literally and visually. But it is Nolan’s nuevo classic noir films that sent it into the stratosphere artistically. The films are story-wise greater with more depth and plot, more lavish in background and design, more sophisticated with content and inventions and more arresting to ones attention with the action and scenes. The Batman of Miller brought the Dark Knight into modern times, then Nolan propelled him into the inky-est of noirdom.

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Talky Pictures2 Comments

Kim Jong-un Rejects Peace Offering! Guarantees Death to Rogen, Franco, America

Kim Jong-un Rejects Peace Offering! Guarantees Death to Rogen, Franco, America

Pyongyang, North Korea – Co-stars for the upcoming film, The Interview, James Franco and Seth Rogen find themselves boiling in a scalding cauldron of steamy garlic butter this week after their recent peace offering to North Korean Leader, Kim Jong-un, failed to compensate for the unfavorable plot in the film.

“Whenever you make a movie about killing a highly revered leader of another country, especially one that follows a Communist regime, there is going to be breadlash,” said International Film Analyst, Henry Sourdough. Continue Reading

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Posted in Talky Pictures, War Zone2 Comments

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Is there too much sex on TV? (Part 2)

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Is there too much sex on TV? (Part 2)

Announcer: Continuing their “Yucky World” interview with network programmer Seymour Dooless, Dick and Janey will be using examples of televised sexual situations.

Dick: We’ve brought a TV monitor into our studio so that we can show scenes from some typical TV shows.

Janey: Our first show is the daytime soap opera, “The Young and the Feckless”. Let’s see what’s going on.

She #2: Well, he kept bugging me, and we kept getting closer and closer, and finally we did it.
She #1: Did you use any protection?
She #2: Why? They never do on TV.
She #1: Right.
She #2: I can’t wait until I turn sixteen, so I can really start dating.

Janey: No surprises there. Any comments, Mr. Dooless?

Dooless: Well, this doesn’t have any influence on children because they’re at school when it’s on TV.

Janey: What if they record it?

Dooless: Then it’s their parents’ responsibility.

when-did-tv-get-so-dirty
Dick: Gee, I never knew any girls like that when I was in high school.

Dick: What about summer vacation?

Dooless: Kids are outside playing during the summer.

Janey: Playing what? Doctor?

Dick: We used to play “Doctor” when I was a kid, but I never got a chance to understand the game.

Janey: Still no surprises.

Dick: I was the outside security guard for our clubhouse hospital. It was pretty quiet in there, so the game couldn’t have been much fun.

Janey: Su-u-re, Dick. Now, let’s take a look at our second selection, the prime time series, “Let My Family Be”.

She: He only tries to sneak out once a week to see his mistress.
He: Can’t you encourage him to go out more?
She: He might get suspicious.
He: I’ve missed you so, Darling!
She: It’s been so long, Dear!

Dick: Does this kind of stuff with mistresses really go on?

Janey: More than you might think, Dick. Especially on TV!

Dick: Well, can a single man have a mistress or do you have to be married?

Janey: Why don’t you ask your mother, Dick?

Dick: She’d just tell me to ask my father.

Janey: And?

Dick: He’d just tell me to watch more TV and ask fewer questions.

Dooless: You have to remember, this is an evening show. It’s up to parents if they want their children to see it. Besides, some of us view these affairs as nothing more than peccadillos.

Dick: Well, why can’t they pick on something other than a dillo?

These are actual screen grabs from Days of Our Lives. Too hot to handle, according to some.

These are actual screen grabs from Days of Our Lives. Too hot to handle, according to some.

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Posted in Entertainment, Television0 Comments

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Is there too much sex on TV? (Part 1)

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Is there too much sex on TV? (Part 1)

Announcer: Fictional TV shows are often criticized for having too much sex on them. Dick and Janey, talks show hosts of “Yucky World”, will be discussing this issue with network programmer Seymour Dooless.

Janey: Our topic for today asks the question “Is there too much sex on TV?” This program may not be appropriate for children. Parental discretion is advised.

Dick: Has it gone that far?

Janey: Has what gone where?

Dick: You know…

Janey: Speak up, Dick!

Dick: Sex…

Janey: Yes?

Dick: …on television.

Janey: That depends on what you mean by “how far”?

Dick: Sounds like a question from my last date.

Janey: You’re dating?

Dick: Well, it was actually a blind date.

Janey: And?

Dick: She asked me how far I wanted to go.

Janey: And you said…

Dick: That I didn’t want to leave the county.

Janey: Oh-kay, Dick. Mr. Dooless, is there more sex on TV?

Dooless: Yes, but we think that’s what’s happening in real life, too.

Janey: There was an episode on “How I Met Your Mother” where one of the main characters achieved his goal of a “perfect week” by having sex with seven different women. Do you think that’s real life?

As a teen in the late 80s, this was about as hot as it got on television.

As a teen in the late 80s, this was about as hot as it got on television.

Dooless: Well, you know, TV characters aren’t your average people.

Janey: But they’re watched by average people.

Dick: And their kids.

Janey: Who may not see the real life consequences of all this sexual activity.

Dick: A Rand study found that teens who watched racy TV shows were much more likely to become pregnant than those who didn’t watch those shows.

Dooless: Fictional television stories aren’t real. We’re not responsible for what happens in real life.

Janey: You may have just said the key words, Mr. Dooless.

Dooless: Really? What were they?

Janey: “Not responsible”.

Dick: How about influential? Do you see TV shows as influencing people’s lives?

Dooless: We provide entertainment for people.

Janey: You will admit that sponsors buy advertising time to try to influence the audience to buy their products.

Dooless: Sure, but that’s different. Products advertised on TV are real. Therefore, they can be influential and have real life consequences.

Janey: But fictional TV shows are…

Dooless: Unreal!

Janey: I think we’d better break for a commercial. This whole conversation is beginning to seem awfully unreal.

Dick: That’s what my blind date said about me.

Janey: That you were unreal?

Dick: Right! And my mother even agreed with her.

Janey: Your mother?

Dick: Yeah. She was in the backseat with a map of the county.

Oh yeah, that's the stuff. She's distorted as hell and probably looks like that in real life, but this sad travesty was the reality kids had to work with before the internet made adult themes ubiquitous and effortless to find.

Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. She’s distorted as hell and probably looks like that in real life, but this sad travesty was the reality kids had to work with before the internet made adult themes ubiquitous and effortless to find.

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Posted in Television1 Comment

Billions Happy During World Cup

Billions Happy During World Cup

RIO DE JANEIRO – Billions of football fans across the world are incredibly happy about the month-long distraction from serious news during the World Cup tournament.

“The fact that Russia might start invading Ukraine any minute now is simply not interesting compared to van Persie’s incredible header goal in the opening Netherlands – Spain World Cup match,” said Johan Kuiper of Amsterdam. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Sports Events1 Comment

Nancy Pelosi to Reprise Role in Sequel to Brazil Movie

Nancy Pelosi to Reprise Role in Sequel to Brazil Movie

Hollywood – Nancy Pelosi has agreed to appear in the sequel to the 1985 movie, Brazil. The trippy movie based on George Orwell’s book, 1984, is scheduled to be released in late 2015.

Pelosi appeared in the original film to play Mrs. Ida Lowry whose most famous scene shows the woman’s face being stretched like Silly Putty.

The casting is a coup for the studio because of the untold thousands of dollars they will save on makeup, labor and special effects for Pelosi’s character. Continue Reading

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Univision Goes Bankrupt After Soap Operas are Banned in the U.S

Univision Goes Bankrupt After Soap Operas are Banned in the U.S

After Congress presented the U.S with a bill called “HIJO DE SU PUTA MADRE”, the corporation responsible for distributing the Hispanic culture’s entertainment programs on television, Univision, was declared bankrupt, leaving thousands in ruin and on the streets.

One man, Felipe Pancho Francisco Guadalupe Hidalgo de la Rosa, told us that “ever since the banning, my wife and kids have been spending their time outside of the kitchen and socializing with people. It’s horrible.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People, Television0 Comments

Tech N9ne gets Shady, Leaves Strange

Tech N9ne gets Shady, Leaves Strange

After 16 years of being strange to the hip hop scene Kansas City, MO rapper Tech N9ne leaves the label he created.

Tech, whose real name is Aaron Yates has sold over two million albums and has had his music featured in film, television, and video games. Now after all hes built he’s ready to move on with another label.

“You know that there are billions of stars in the universe. But the star had quite a difficult time shining amongst all the other stars.” Says Yates.

After signing an undisclosed deal with Eminem’s Shady Empire. “Eminem is a complete emcee to me,” Tech N9ne says in an interview XXL.

“He’s a complete emcee, man. Not everybody lets you in. I’m one of the ones that lets you in. Personal life and everything. There’s no personal stuff about him because he’s the most lyric flipping motherf***er in the world like he is. But he has substance, as well. I really like that. I really like people that can let people in.”

Let in is just what Marshall Mathers has now done with Yates. Signing the undisclosed deal will finally take him out of the rap underground and propel him into the mainstream. Fellow label mates of Strange have been taking away from the aging rappers spotlight and he feels this is his way to take the crown.

N9ne said, “Just me and him on a song, ’cause I think he’s one of the dopest rappers out there, and I wanna hear how I sound next to one of the dopest motherfookahs I’ve heard. I’ve worked with some of his homies, Proof, Slaughterhouse, D12, all of ‘em. He’s the only one left. Even Yelawolf. I worked with all them mothrafrackers. He’s the only one left.” until now.

Sources say the deal is for a collaboration album with the Detroit king of rap. Meaning the king of the underground and the king of mainstream will be taking over. Expect to see a press release from the rappers Strange imprint by Monday. Yates wont be stepping down as CEO of strange just adding himself a little Shady.

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music5 Comments

Nintendo 1 ups Rapper

Nintendo 1 ups Rapper

Michigan rapper gets no option to continue with “Super Mario World” themed clothing idea. “Its down the tubes like Mario i guess” says $Paid (Pronounced Spade) unsigned recording artist and part owner of Street Made Entertainment.

The Facebook rhymer got a cease and desist order served to him over a litigation from a possible t shirt idea featuring what looks like the Super Mario World theme. Continue Reading

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Posted in Music0 Comments

Bill Kristol, Always Wrong, Moved to “More Appropriate” Weather Man Role

Bill Kristol, Always Wrong, Moved to “More Appropriate” Weather Man Role

Outspoken pro-war pundit Bill Kristol is making headlines again for his unwavering support for military action in Iraq and the world at large. Facing pushback, The Weakly Standard has moved him to a more fitting role: Weather Man.

“Look,” said Kristol. “I wasn’t wrong about Iraq. This president just chose to pull troops out at the wrong time and looks what’s happened, it’s a mess.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, War Zone0 Comments

Jersey Shore’s “The Situation” Arrested for Fighting at Tanning Salon

Jersey Shore’s “The Situation” Arrested for Fighting at Tanning Salon

Middletown, NJ – Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who gained notoriety on MTV’s classy show Jersey Shore, was arrested for fighting with his own brother at a local tanning salon that the pair own together.

Apparently, the double douchebags came to blows over a disagreement about which was better for business: Spray tans or the traditional tanning beds. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip2 Comments

The Many (questionable) Roads To Success

The Many (questionable) Roads To Success

So many are struggling in our current difficult economic times where the few controlling the financial strings of the country have the rest of us dancing around just to survive while they watch from the porches of their grand estates grandly amused.

In order to help those so afflicted (approximately 90% of the population) we offer this famous series of success videos and books designed to show you examples of what other individuals, groups and nations have done to win wealth for themselves. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Politics0 Comments

Girls Stab Friend in Honor of Slenderman; Glad it Wasn’t in the Back

Girls Stab Friend in Honor of Slenderman; Glad it Wasn’t in the Back

Two girls were arrested by the Bureau of Academic and Constitutional Owners for Niggas force for allegedly stabbing a girl after trying to prove the existence of the Photoshopped myth “Slenderman”.

When questioned by the judge, the two girls responded by stating, “Hey, at least it wasn’t in the back.”

The judge was surprised by their testimonies and decided to let them go off with a warning, only if they promised to never do it again. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Styx Suing Radio Stations

Styx Suing Radio Stations

Los Angeles, CA—Frustrated with their current lot in life, 1970’s arena rock stars Styx are suing over 420 classic rock radio stations.

A lawsuit was filed in federal court in Los Angeles on Monday alleging financial fraud. We caught up with the band’s lead singer Tommy Shaw who was in rehearsal at the WinnaVegas Casino in Sloan, Iowa. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Music40 Comments

Seth MacFarlane’s Penis Found Dead

Seth MacFarlane’s Penis Found Dead

Seth MacFarlane, creator of such ground-breaking animated hits as “Family Guy” and “American Dad” discovered his own badly decomposed penis dead in a ravine in rural Arizona.

MacFarlane had reported his penis missing a week earlier. He stumbled upon it after sobering up from a drunken fugue state and discovering it missing along with his last shred of cinematic credibility. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Talky Pictures7 Comments

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