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God Issues Defamation & Copyright Cease and Desist

God Issues Defamation & Copyright Cease and Desist

One tragic “unintended consequence” of the DMCA is that it has resulted in a currently unverified premature leak of a document God was planning to reveal to the world.

Or at least to those who had ears to hear.

I can’t say for sure if the following transcript is for real.

Still, I guess this is one of those things. You either believe it or you don’t.

Listen, everybody. Now, I’m a pretty nice person. I mean, there’s no one in this world who is more loving and generous than me! Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Religionism0 Comments

Stop Press! The REAL Reason Tom Cruise is Leaving Scientology

Stop Press! The REAL Reason Tom Cruise is Leaving Scientology

There’s a lot of talk about Tom Cruise leaving Scientology.

http://hollywoodlife.com/2015/07/01/tom-cruise-leaving-scientology-church-suri-cruise

But the media coverage thus far has been very selective.

So just this once, I’m going to have to use my imagination to plug the gap. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Top Stories0 Comments

Great Flâneur Massacre: Fictional Endorsements, Endorsements of Fiction (2/2)

Great Flâneur Massacre: Fictional Endorsements, Endorsements of Fiction (2/2)

Shhh. Don’t laugh. This is pretty damn serious stuff.

1.

Rob, Surname-Lacking and Achingly Committed Painfully Irritating Tenure-Cadger

“Relevant?” That’s a word people in power always use to dismiss me.

Endorsement from “Dr” Kent Hovind

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Education0 Comments

Great Flâneur Massacre: Fictional Endorsements, Endorsements of Fiction (1/2)

Great Flâneur Massacre: Fictional Endorsements, Endorsements of Fiction (1/2)

I’ve already posted once on GlossyNews about The Great Flâneur Massacre.

And also on my satire blog: here and here. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Top Stories0 Comments

Pregnant Bristol Palin to Replace Wheel of Fortune’s Vanna White

Pregnant Bristol Palin to Replace Wheel of Fortune’s Vanna White

In an unprecedented move that’s shocked the television world, Wheel of Fortune has replaced its long standing hostess Vanna White and named Bristol Palin her temporary replacement.

The move comes after a series of contract disagreements between White and ABC over salary issues and bonuses.

Vanna White has been Wheel of Fortune’s official letter turner since 1982 but recent negotiations between White’s agent and ABC collapsed late Friday, leaving the popular game show suddenly without anyone to reveal the letters to their puzzles. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television0 Comments

Australia’s Latest Doggygate Scandal: A Land Without Biebers (2/2)

Australia’s Latest Doggygate Scandal: A Land Without Biebers (2/2)

The moment Fatima and Bieber landed in Alessi Exile Airport in Bishop’s Kennedy, Queensland…

A lawless horde of vicious, beer-swilling, assless-police-uniforms-and-cowboy-hats-porting, official-public-order-batons-wielding bogans descended upon Fatima and Bieber! Continue Reading

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Australia’s Latest Doggygate Scandal: A Land Without Biebers (1/2)

Australia’s Latest Doggygate Scandal: A Land Without Biebers (1/2)

A few days ago, Johnny Depp finally threw his cutlass out of the pram about being threatened last month by the unaccountable Canberra/E-Street/Ramsay Street/Ramsbottom Street/Summer Bay/Richmond Hill regime:

http://www.nbcnews.com/pop-culture/celebrity/johnny-depp-amber-heard-avoid-australia-after-dog-threat-n379546 Continue Reading

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Weird Al Sings Love-Lorne Rhapsody

Weird Al Sings Love-Lorne Rhapsody

NEW YORK CITY – Weird Al Yankovic is respected worldwide for his funny and sometimes daring song parodies.

The singer has been going strong for over 35 years, but it appears as if he ran into a bit of trouble earlier this month as he tried to talk his way into performing on Saturday Night Live.

In what some people may believe is an absolute travesty, Weird Al has never once been invited to be on SNL.

Considering he has been around nearly as long as the show has been airing, many fans began rallying for the show’s producer, Lorne Michaels, to invite Weird Al to the set for a performance.

The rallies began early last year as a single handwritten petition was passed from fan to fan, beginning in Weird Al’s hometown of Los Angeles, and working its way to the East Coast since January.

Once the smudged, crumpled and vomit-stained single piece of paper made its way to the Big Apple earlier this month, it contained nearly 50,000 signatures – nearly 30% of which had to be written in invisible ink due to lack of space. It was dropped on Lorne Michaels’ desk in the first week of June, but neither Weird Al nor his agent have been contacted by SNL.

“We just can’t believe that, despite the support we’ve received, we still haven’t received an invitation,” remarked Yankovic’s agent, Frye Basquette. “Weird Al has contributed enough to American culture to the point where he should at least be considered for a musical appearance on the show.”

If Weird Al were to be invited, it would be his first appearance. In 2012, Yankovic was impersonated by ultra-hack Andy Samberg, who generated exactly three laughs during his entire eight-season tenure on the show. The parody of the parody-man was generally well-received by Weird Al, but he believed it was time for a well-deserved invite.

“Al stayed up all night and wrote a song that he thought would sway Lorne in our direction,” added Basquette. “He centered the song around two of the most well-respected and talented cast members of the past 25 years. “

The song, entitled “(Sittin’ On) The Rock of the Fey,” which directly parodied soul machine Otis Redding’s 1968 orgasmatronic smash hit “(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay,” was written to try and raise his appeal to Michaels, who was looking desperately for talent to save his tanking maelstrom of a show. But apparently, Michaels has so far completely ignored Weird Al’s clever creation, which contains lyrics such as:

“Sittin’ on the Rock of the Fey,

Wishin’ that I was on Saturday,

Sittin’ on the Rock of the Fey,

Wastin’ this career of mine”

It has yet to be determined whether or not Yankovic will be noticed by Michaels, but so far it does not look good. Michaels has a reputation for either exclusively inviting guests or accepting guest proposals within three-tenths of a second.

Weird Al’s petition and proposal have been in the hands (or trash cans) of SNL executives for weeks now, so the rally and single-sheet petition may have been a total waste. Record executives and fans have both shared their disdain in recent weeks.

“I’m really disappointed,” said Weird Al super-fan Donna Battaccia. “I’ve been listening to Weird Al for most of my life and I think he deserves at least a three minute set on such an influential yet recently-crappy television program.”

The song parody has drawn direct attention from Chris Rock and Tina Fey, the two former cast members who Weird Al pays homage to in the song. A cover was even designed for the single, which includes a clever depiction of Fey and Rock as natural features, with Weird Al sitting on and adjacent to the two SNL stalwarts, Rock and Fey, respectively.

There’s no clear answer as to why Weird Al has not been invited after 35 years in the business. Perhaps SNL executives have something against bringing a competing comedian and parody-man into their world for a night or perhaps the vomit-stained petition grossed out Michaels and his cronies.

No matter the case, the world continues to wonder why the artist of classics such as “It’s All About the Pentiums,” “Eat It” and “Amish Paradise” has not made an appearance on one of the world’s biggest comedy stages.

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Posted in Entertainment, Music2 Comments

Glossy News Podcast Comes 7/27/15, and I Need Your Help!

Glossy News Podcast Comes 7/27/15, and I Need Your Help!

Some have called him “funny,” “awesome,” and “kind,” but as kind as they are, my kids won’t be able to listen to my podcast for adult language and themes.

On July 27th, the Glossy News podcast will launch with five Podisodes already ready to go. It started as a “free” project, but it’s quickly blossomed into something far more sinister, amazing and expensive.

You can see a mediocre 22-minute preview of the podcast below, but the important thing is that I need your help! Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Podcasts, Video News0 Comments

Mad Max Maxes Out His Street Cred In… WHERE DID YOU SAY???

Mad Max Maxes Out His Street Cred In… WHERE DID YOU SAY???

Just saw the latest Mad Max movie.

WOWZER!!!

SUPER GROOVY!!!

COWABUNGA!!!

Mad Max just made it back to the screen after a hiatus of only 30 YEARS!!!!!

Mel Gibson got the sack. Too old. Too racist. Can’t have no one who is out saving aborigine kids in the outback being a racist now. Especially with Tina Turner somewhere in the wings waiting to do a cameo. Continue Reading

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Posted in Talky Pictures2 Comments

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened -Part 6

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened -Part 6

9/12/2001
THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED
Part 6
(A serial book excerpt)

In previous installments – After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned, Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is made the leader of the country. He begins immediately to make changes.

READ THEM HERE: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Serious Commentary2 Comments

Bill Maher Banned (Again)… But Why?

Bill Maher Banned (Again)… But Why?

Notable public figure Bill Maher has been banned from several notable clothes retail chains in the entire slick, coastal, metro part of the USA…

For making some provocative and inflammatory comments about a moderate political Islamist™ in Pakistan who says women resemble sacks of flour.

Yup! His Most Exalted Even-More-Moderate-Than-Moderate-Taliban-ness says that every one of the integral synthetic components of the female community should be treated in keeping with the most noble and exalted station he himself envisages for them…

When he is high on crystal meth funded from the proceeds of his illegal kindergarten-bombing Ponzi scheme. Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Television0 Comments

Un-aired Original Series Star Trek Discovered! True Origin of Actual Series Revealed!

Un-aired Original Series Star Trek Discovered! True Origin of Actual Series Revealed!

A long lost Kirk/Spock vintage Star Trek episode that never aired has turned up in a forgotten vault at Paramount Studios.

“The Deflowering” was a 1967 show featuring all the beloved and famous characters who made the show such an unforgettable sci-fi icon. Unfortunately its subject matter made it a no-show on that eras airwaves.

It was about sex. Too much sex. Continue Reading

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Posted in Television0 Comments

Bruce Jenner Debuts New Film Along with Name

Bruce Jenner Debuts New Film Along with Name

NEW YORK CITY – The world received a double dose of Caitlyn Jenner on Monday as the American culture, fashion and politics magazine, Vanity Fair, released their upcoming cover with Caitlyn sitting on a stool and the man-turned-woman also announced participation in an upcoming feature remake being released later in the year. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Strange People0 Comments

Preview for Self-Published Play: “The Great Flâneur Massacre.”

Preview for Self-Published Play: “The Great Flâneur Massacre.”

The TM-sphere has been abuzz with speculation on the novella in quasi-dramatic form that Mr TM is due to self-publish in the near future.

(Well, June, actually. But then, why should Mr TM tell you the exact date at this stage? That would spoil all the fun; or Mr TM’s fun, in any case; which is not an entirely inconsequential consideration, after all).

However, the Malign-Forces-of-International-Creative-Transparency-Fundamentalism may be somewhat disappointed, that Mr TM’s first fairly lengthy work will be released under a pseudonym, and not under his real name. Continue Reading

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Human Interest1 Comment

A Serial Ponytail Yanker’s Lasso of Truth Interview [Full Censored Transcript, 13 April 2015]

A Serial Ponytail Yanker’s Lasso of Truth Interview [Full Censored Transcript, 13 April 2015]

Caption Text Goes Here: Honest John: Under the influence of the Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth.

This shocking suppressed interview with the prime minister of the New Zealand realm, John Phillip Key (AKA ‘the Smiling Assassin’), delves deeper into the reasons underpinning the bullying of a waitress by the country’s leader. It was conducted by The New Zealand Herald’s editor, Shayne Currie, who had his ‘plumber mates’ break in to the world headquarters of Snoopman News Group to steal the most coveted treasure of the media world, Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth.

Snoopman News learned who was behind the break-in, because journalists can’t keep secrets. We confronted Currie, who disclosed that because his newspaper had the scoop on the story of New Zealand’s prime minister’s ponytail-pulling harassment, he said it was crucial to know the truth to better keep track of how it was going to be bent, since gossip columnist Rachel Glucina would create a warped narrative to protect the prime minister.

=====================

Shayne Currie:
I’ve read a draft of Amanda Bailey’s [the harassed waitress] account. She mentions the power disparity at play, wherein she is a waitress, and you’re the prime minister, with the protection of two body-guards and in the company of your wife on each of your visits to the Hip Group franchised café, Rosie. She asserts that after you’d pulled her ponytail on numerous occasions, and she’d made it clear by her body language that she didn’t like having her hair pulled, you continued to tug her ponytail. Why did you repeatedly pull waitress Amanda Bailey’s hair like a naughty three year-old?

steve2

Operation Ponytail: ‘The Ponytail Girl’ was used to to test a new political technique – Targeted Affection Encounters for Voter Capture (TAEVC).

John Key: [Chuckles] One reason is we’re experimenting with a new touchy-feely public relations model called Targeted Affection Encounters for Voter Capture (TAEVC), which takes the manipulation of politicians kissing babies to ‘next level’. As you know, National’s [Key’s political party] public relations firm is Crosby Textor. It’s a bit of an Anglo-Saxon political party favourite. Crosby Textor noticed I had a slight hair fetish, called Trichophilia, especially for young fillies, and they saw how we could exploit it by morphing it into the ‘Nice Guy Key’ Brand that we had manufactured for my political assent.

SC: So, Crosby Textor figured this new ‘stock in political-horse trade’ trick could make the Trichophilia appear like fatherly affection, care and attention?

steve3 JK: Exactly! It was genius.

A Fetish Outing: People thought it was wee bit weird

But didn’t realise this behaviour going ‘next level’.

But didn’t realise this behaviour going ‘next level’.

SC: But, how would the serial hair-pulling of a waitress help your political party’s re-election bid and beyond? I mean, the waitress claims that she became more direct with her brush-offs, and you then pretended it was your wife Bronagh doing the hair-pulling. Was that like a change of game plan to get ‘a rise’ [heighten the tension] out of her, so you could brag about it with your investment class supporters?

JK: Yep. The idea was that I’d push it into a public social setting, where I’d get more, more, more, you know, triple-more tipsy and brag about my antics-before and after-dark – for hours – because as Bill English has told journalists, I love to natter at length because I have a big ego.

SC: Let me get this straight. Brag to who exactly?

JK: Brag to National’s hardcore primary constituency, the big donors, who take ‘male entitlement’ as a given, since the term actually means boys and men expect women to serve and be submissive to jerks like us.

SC: But, why?

JK: My antics were signaling to male capitalists that I have the politics of the struggling working class firmly in hand.

This was especially important to do after getting the Employment Relations Amendment bill passed into law last year, which Bronagh and I needed to fire our house-cleaner because she did nothing around our thirteen million-dollar mansion, as I mentioned to the president of the New Zealand Council of Trade Unions Helen Kelly when she met me to express concerns over the employment bill.

So bragging about my ponytail pulling antics made my bad-ass reputation among the Male Entitlement Fraternity [or ‘the Old Boys Network’] shoot upward.

SC: So, the audience for the hair-tugging antics was like an inside track while the wider public crowd only saw the Nice Guy Key stuff.

JK: Yup. We dubbed it Split Enz. [Key guffawing and snorting]

SC: Mean. What about contingencies?

More Cat than Prime Minister: English comedian John Oliver mocks ‘no drama’ John Key for his creepy serial bullying.

More Cat than Prime Minister: English comedian John Oliver mocks ‘no drama’ John Key for his creepy serial bullying.

JK: If my hair-yanking antics went wrong, I’d have that triple-more tipsy cover-story and I could say ‘I was just horsing around’. [Extensive chuckling by both 11 year-old men]

IdealWorldKeyPonyTailHorse.png goes here

Caption Text Goes Here – Horsing Around: John Key’s public relations firm, Crosby Textor, likes cheesy puns.

SC: So, you’re saying National insiders and Crosby Textor conspired to target a waitress and harass her to the limit?

JK: Hell yes! We called it Operation Ponytail. We capitalists love to torment muggles and hobbits, because they actually have to work to survive, since over the last 10 centuries we’ve driven them off their native lands the world-over. [Currie sniggering and sounds of him scribbling notes]. That’s the story that J.K. Rowling and Peter Jackson have failed to tell in their epic sagas.

SC: Where was Bronagh [John Key’s wife] in all this?

JK: Bronagh would tell me to stop it and leave the poor girl alone. And then the waitress chick told my body-guards she’d ‘one day snap and punch me in the face.’ At a subsequent encounter, as I was settling the bill with an autographed cheque that I know they’ll never cash – like Dali used to do – and I approached ‘the ponytail girl’, making the Jaws theme tune, with my hands raised high like I was trying to ‘get a tug on’ [or yanking her hair]. She asked, “is it self defence, with your security here, if I have to physically stop you from touching me?” And I grinned my Smiling Assassin grin [Lengthy chuckling on BASF tape], and I countered, “defence against what?”, guffawed Key.

JK’s Apology Wine: Waitress says New Zealand’s PM gave her these bottles to feign sincerity.

JK’s Apology Wine: Waitress says New Zealand’s PM gave her these bottles to feign sincerity.

SC: That… sounds psychopathic. [Currie snickering, Key snorting]. So, you’re not concerned that this Ponytail scandal unravels Brand Key?

JK: Look, you know as well as I do that New Zealand’s mainstream media pull their punches when it comes to me and my pro-corporate party. The Parliamentary Press Corp are still under my spell since that time I charmed them with a cake I made on a flight aboard an Air Force Orion transporter to China in April 2013. The reef fish [parliament-beat reporters] contracted a variation of Stockholm Syndrome and behaved like five year-olds at a birthday party.They still feel weird about it when they brush their teeth.

SC: I mean, Nicky Hager’s book Dirty Politics exposed your political party’s two-track communications strategy, wherein your party machine manufactured your ‘Nice Guy’ persona, while the same machine outsourced dirty political attacks to right wing bloggers, with the complicity of the mainstream media.

JK: Yes. And your newspaper was complicit in that process Shayne, so stop trying to occupy the middle cross among ‘sinners’.

SC: And your political party pursued that two-track communications strategy knowing it would hurt left-wing political parties first because ‘lefty’ voters tend to have sissy feelings about everythi-

JK: Including the homo idea that politics ought to be fair, mature and above-board. Look, when we survived the Dirty Politics scandal through the last election campaign, our first thought was how do we capitalize on how zoned out the New Zealand population is and amplify it even more.

SC: Even for an ex-London and Wall Street banker, taking such risks seems out of proportion to the pay-off.

JK: Well, besides being an enormous amount of fun, you have to understand that New Zealand is treated like a lab by the rulers of the world, the Illuminati, who have an obsessive-compulsive disorder to embody the Cult of World Domination. The Illuminati have been variously identified over time as, the Fraternity, the Grid, and the Committee of 300 [They self-identify as the Olympiards, according to former MI6 agent, John Coleman].

steve8

Knowing his Place: Key didn’t dare tug on the royal ponytail of Princess Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge (AKA Kate Middleton) during the landlord’s inspection of the New Zealand realm in 2014.

 

SC: So, muggles and hobbits are conditioned to think it’s just conspiracy theory that there’s a group behind the curtain, like in The Wizard of Oz, manipulating events and steering the world along toward colliding crises?

JK: Pretty much. The movie The Usual Suspects, starring Kevin Spacey, is a cult-classic in the National party. We’ve taken the line, “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist”, as a mantra.

SC: [Sniggering] How do you avoid getting confused between what is true and the lies you fabricate?

JK: Awww look, you need to use the truth as your reference point for ‘managing the optics’. There’s no doubt about it, lying gets complicated without such reference points first being surveyed to maintain the inherent logic of the copies of reality being manufactured. That holds true for any practitioners of ‘speed politics’ who possess a significant command of resources, as scholar in International Law Eric Wilson argues in Crimes Against Reality.

SC: So, what is it with the hair fetish?

JK: To be honest, since you have me tied up and I feel weirdly compelled to tell the truth for once, Amanda has a very tantalising ponytail. I like it when girls wear ponytails because of the way their neck looks, especially when they have that neck hair that won’t reach into the ponytail. [Pause] My party’s public relations firm Crosby Textor told me to add, ‘I’m wondering if I’m a bit gay or something? Go figure!’ Because they said that would rebuild sympathy with female voters. New Zealanders are such sucker-luckers for my manufactured down-to-earth persona.

Trick or Trichophilia: Convincing the world he is Nice Guy Key since 2006.

Trick or Trichophilia: Convincing the world he is Nice Guy Key since 2006.

SC: I’m going to loosen the rope so you can be ‘a-large’ again.

[As the interview ends, sounds of Key caressing and sniffing the rope can be heard]

JK: Is the rope made of hemp, or horse-hair?

SC: Ponytail hair.

JK: Filly girl’s hair? [Sounding excited]

SC: It may be make-believe girl’s hair or make-real girl’s hair. Whatever optical fantasy you want it to be John. We’re all in this together.

JK: Neigh! [Sounds of Key scuffing his shoe on the carpet

steve9

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