Archive | Entertainment

Kanye/Cool J: Most Passive-Aggressive Rap Grudge in History

Kanye/Cool J: Most Passive-Aggressive Rap Grudge in History

Disclaimer: An earlier version of this was previously published on TheSpoof.com. Still, the warning below about the 21st century’s deadliest rap grudge still bears repeating. Don’t say I never warned you.

OK, so right, there’s a lot of jive goin’ down about the so-called grudge between Tupac and Biggie; however, this mainstream, far-from-edgy storm in a teacup pales in comparison to the biggest, baddest rap grudge in history. Check it. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music0 Comments

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (2)

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (2)

-Peter, great loyalty demands great sacrifice

As you found out last time, the entire Glossy News team has been arrested on fake charges for prostitution…

Although a certain informer called Mr TM (who shall remain anonymous, in order to have evade having the crap beaten out of him by his erstwhile peers, as some have framed it); yes, His Most Exalted Shit-Stirriness has traded security for liberty by making a sneaky plea bargain, in order to dump the other guys in it.

… Oh come on, don’t be so judgmental…. Well, someone has to keep this shit running, right?
I mean, it’s a purely disinterested and benevolent decision for the good of Our Greater Good™, the National Interest™ and Our Common Humanity™, (as Dick Cheney and John Kerry would say)…

In order to keep the website running. I mean, it’s not like I did it MERELY because I wanted to avoid getting passed round the shower by achingly rowdy and conspicuously benevolent chain-gang-running new-boy-protectors, right? Capisc’?

Sicilian gangster meme

But as I’m in the mood for spilling all, I’m going to tell you who ratted on us with their horrendous allegations which were not ENTIRELY TRUTHFUL and NOT WITHOUT A HINT OF EXAGGERATION; to say the least.

That’s right. I may not be gazing anxiously over my shoulder in a rather drippy and sweaty crowded “theatre” of thugs in Reno; but I’m gonna shout “Fire” anyway. I’m telling you the names of the haters who framed us, so any of you who care about it (I presume that means every single one of you, WITHOUT EXCEPTION), will know what to do. Put a brick through their windowpanes, piss on their patio, whatever. Once I tell you, it’s out of my hands.

-It’s not a vendetta if you don’t get caught

Here’s a clue: the leader of the East-North-East-Central-wherever-the-F***-Boston-Soccer-Mom’s-Liberation-Front was thoroughly unrepentant of the vindictive, vicious and thoroughly unprovoked actions of her and her comrades (male and female alike; no third genders, because this is actually a quite exclusive and bigoted organisation, as you will see).

“OH, GOD, would you just THINK of the children! The last thing in HELL godly white teenagers need is to be reading about PROSTITUTION, of all things, on the internet! I mean, there’s practically NOTHING worse they could be doing with their time… I LITERALLY just can’t imagine anything worse for them to be doing!

“Well, nothing worse at all, unless they’re… shall we say… a certain “class” or “breed” as it were, of kids; and then they are beyond help. But we wanna focus on the ones who can be saved already, and who can play the violin and the Swiss Pipes and recite Vladimir Tolstoy and Immanuel G.F. Nietzsche…

“You know, not the funny-haired,guitar-strumming little jerks living in the gutter, surrounded by filthy pimps and despicable crack addicts and dirty bl… um, I mean, dirty… blue… yeah, dirty blue substances you can inject in your ass or nostrils or pinkie-poos or whatever.

“So, they’re resentful that we maliciously fabricated fictive charges to have them arrested them for making shit up? Well, that’s the cost of lying and saying shit about people that just ain’t true! No reasonable and cultivated person with hundreds of cheapo “glaringly obvious” classical music compilations of the type designed more to impress neighbors than to actually get an authentic grip on the genre would EVER do that!

CONDESCENDING WONKA MEME ON PRETENTIOUS MUSIC FANS

“Anyway, the 1st Amendment does not constitute a right to be heard, so I’m pretty damn down with hanging the crap out of these bastards for inappropriate abuses of their communicative faculties; freedom only exists for those people who exercise it appropriately! Agency means nothing without education, guidance, and civility! You know, to hell with all this freedom of speech crap! I hope the next President shreds all this Constitution bullshit! I don’t care which party he/she/it comes from, they could be door-to-door Jehovah’s Witnesses, Ebola-ridden Chicano freeloaders… hell, they could even be black, at a push, if that’s what it takes to sort this crap out! But just THINK OF OUR KIDS!”

Junior then piped up:

“Mommy, did you just swear?”

“You little jerk! Just shut the FUCK up and stop questioning my authority! For THAT, you uncivil little bastard, when you go home, you have an extra 5 hours of piano practice as punishment! And no more raw-food veggie burgers! Tonight, it’s mainstream mass-market vegan tofu for you!”

“YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY! Fun tiiiiimes! Mummy is nice; pweeeeese may Junior have some extra clarinet and period-trombone time too? What about that Mahler piece? AAAAAAND, Daddy promised to teach Junior differential equations too!”

Junior Senior then oh-so-genially chipped in:

“Why, you just SHUT the HELL up, you little moron! Mathematics is only good for buying you some success! Why… there’s just NO PUNISHING little jerks like you! I’m confiscating your acoustic sitar and your ivory marimba set until you learn some god-damn respect, you pathetic little weasel!”

-Roadpath to Truthiness

Still, there is one bit of good news. Dennis Rodman is a regular reader of our website; so we’ll soon see what can be done to single-handedly save the objective media from a fate worse than a Pelosi-Bush ticket (well, close enough)….

Then again, unfortunately, our readership also includes the Pro-Big-Government Big-Government Dems, as well as the Anti-Big-Government Big-Government Reps; so we’ll have to see.

I mean, negotiating with North Korea is one thing… but Team IntCom World Police Ambassador Rodman might have his work cut out with our conspicuously political haters and oppressors; they who just this once, might want to make some easy political “capital” on their only non-mainstream-media haters (make of that what you will).

Oh and by the way…

PSSST. You didn’t hear none of this shit from me. I would never turn on my fellow journalistic truth-tellers…

Well, not for something as petty as the threat of having to make friends with Jumbo behind the four crusty walls of a San Quentin maximum-security prison, anyways!…

Still, maybe all this truth-telling and scrupulous honesty is taking its toll. I need a career move. Inspired by Junior, I think a promising new career as a master sackbutist, cajonist, or Singing Ringing Tree-ist beckons. I guess I will be sorely missed by all you innumerable and conspicuously benevolent political celebrities, air-guitar humanitarians, and Kooky Klan Konfusionists.

Well, I guess those mainstream amateurs at the Onion will have to do their best to plug the gap…

Share

Posted in Entertainment, Strange People1 Comment

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (1)

Entire Glossy News Team Arrested On False Prostitution Charges (1)

The End of The Truth?

Glossynews, as you all no doubt agree (merely because WE say so; reason enough, right?!), is the single most… sorry, the SINGLE AND SOLE respected media outlet in the world.

Well, in a world filled with MSNBC Socialist/Liberal-Corporatist agitprop and the South-Park- Libertarianism/Beltway-Market-Hipsterism of Fox News, it’s clear that there’s only one game in town.

Only one place can be trusted to mingle “the truth” (whatever the Hell that means) with an immaculately noble Socratic “lie” (or as we prefer to call it, telling “the people” what “they” want to hear). Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Entertainment, Strange People7 Comments

SCOOP! Glossy News Is The First With A Photo Of The New Star Trek Series And Its Stars!

SCOOP! Glossy News Is The First With A Photo Of The New Star Trek Series And Its Stars!

A leak in the security of the new Star Trek series has provided Glossy with a peek at the highly anticipated show.

As you can see the players will be wearing an all new design of Star Fleet uniforms and, as usual, represent many different races and nationalities.

Again there will be a black Vulcan just like Tuvok in the Voyager series, only this time he will be in the Commander position. Unlike his predecessor this new Vulcan will occasionally exhibit moments of humor, a very un-Vulcan like quality.

His name is Barack Hussein Obama, an unlikely a name as any writer could ever conjure up, but we’ll go with it for the time being. There is a Chinese second in command, Xi Jinping (they must have been really imaginative to come up with this moniker), who will be a constant source of disagreement and contention in the series.

Unknown to the other crew members, a Romulan agent has infiltrated the group with the intent on sabotaging all relationships and vessel machinery that he can. Named Vladimir Putin (the writers got a little lax on this name. It is inappropriate as it sounds too much like the Romanian Prince Vlad who was the basis for Dracula….on second thought the name fits. Forget it.), he is the wild card in the deck of the ship’s crew.

Other nationalities and races will play key characters who will mostly get in the way of the other three stars or die horribly while wearing red uniforms (in the original Star Trek series any actor wearing a red shirt always got creamed half way through the episode).

Whereas most Star Trek episodes involved conflicts with aliens outside the ship, this series will have most of its battles waged inside the vessel between its own crew members. Mr. Putin and Jinping will prove to be behind most of the intrigue. Mr. Putin and Mr. Jinping, being from more backwards lands, are jealous of the Captain’s superior technology and feels that they must interrupt their progress in any way possible to overcome it.

On their first mission in an entirely new ship aptly called the “New World Order”. the crew encounters foreign aliens trying to escape their home planet to work on the earth. Captain Obama wants to welcome them in, not realizing that helmsman Putin has already sent out small fighters to buzz and harass them. Mr. Jinping just stands back and waits for both to make mistakes so he can take over.

Future episodes will be guaranteed to have lots of weird looking aliens and not-so-weird looking gorgeous shapely women wearing way-too-short mini-skirt uniforms.

Share

Posted in Entertainment, Politics2 Comments

Tailor Swift Not Bothered By Singer With Similar Name

Tailor Swift Not Bothered By Singer With Similar Name

Wyomissing, Pennsylvania – Professional Tailor, Bill Swift, Owner and Operator of Tailor Swift’s House of Threds, has been an expert at altering clothing since his shop first opened in June of 1979 on the corner of Reading Boulevard and Clayton Avenue in downtown Wyomissing.

Known to the locals as Tailor Swift, he has pleased thousands of customers with his precise and cost efficient tailoring, relying only on word-of-mouth advertising to increase his customer base. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Music2 Comments

Cutler Under Fire: Post Game Tweet about Aaron Rodgers over the line?

Cutler Under Fire: Post Game Tweet about Aaron Rodgers over the line?

Jay Cutler of the Chicago Bears is under fire again, but this time for more than just his turnovers. After losing to Green Bay Sunday night the embattled QB tweeted, “Aaron hasn’t spanked anyone that hard since his gay roommate moved out.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Sports Scandals4 Comments

5 Lists and Articles People Totally Need to Stop Sharing

5 Lists and Articles People Totally Need to Stop Sharing

You, stop right there! Don’t click another “share” button until you’ve read this article. Facebook has become a place to post all your passive aggressive, secretly racist, and propaganda articles far too long.

Take a hint, everyone is tired of seeing these posts. Here are 5 things you totally need to stop sharing right now.

5: Lists of common things you’ve been doing wrong your entire life.

You don’t use straws to remove the tops of strawberries? Not following the 5 step chicken wing eating process? Are you brain dead or what?

The last thing anyone wants to hear is how they have been doing something so simple wrong forever. In most cases, the “correct” way is stupid and not practical. Obviously, its not wrong. Stop being a jerk and get off your high horse.

This applies to any articles found on BuzzFeed

4: Person does some thing. What happens next will shock you!

Why this isn’t number one on my voter bill is beyond words. Seriously, with that vague title I will never click the link. And if YOU click those links, you are only propagating the ridiculous use of vague attention grabbing titles. STOP IT!

Here is the most recent one I saw.

1: Super opinionated articles

This one is Legen- wait for it……it never came. That’s because these kinds of articles are ridiculous. If you have been paying attention, there were only 3 items.

That is because these kinds of lists and articles suck. It makes it awkward for your friends when you share things like this on Facebook. That is the sound of a thousand eyes rolling at once. Every time you share something like this, I cry inside. Do you really think you are cool by showing how ignorant you are? What kind of vindication do you get from figuratively flipping the bird to everyone?

Huffington Post, I’m looking at you.

Share

Posted in Entertainment, Internets Tubes3 Comments

GlossyNews Exclusive! Meghan Trainor Announces Remix! All About Lance Bass

GlossyNews Exclusive! Meghan Trainor Announces Remix! All About Lance Bass

Nantucket, Massachusetts – Just as she has done since age 11, Meghan Trainor has written and recorded a remix from her personal computer focusing on a new subject that she claims “will make boys and girls melt like warm garlic butter.”

The song utilizes the same rhythm and beat as her most popular song, All About That Bass, except that the new version features her favorite boy-band singer, NSYNC’S Lance Bass.

“We are excited that Meghan has decided to release this remix and we look forward to the song increasing her fan base as well as her downloads,” said Trainor’s Agent, Deb Mosell of the Creative Artists Agency in Los Angeles, California. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Entertainment, Music9 Comments

Maddow Vindicates Hillary Over Inoffensive “Dead New Yorker” Comments

Maddow Vindicates Hillary Over Inoffensive “Dead New Yorker” Comments

Not so long ago, I told you how top photogenic political superstar Hillary Clinton was arbitrarily and unfairly accused of upsetting some mourners at a funeral…

With some (admittedly) fairly ill-timed, ill-judged, and most crucially, vindictively-taken-out-of-context comments™.

These comments were eerily and disturbingly reminiscent of the comments the mainstream media maliciously and unjustifiably accuse her of making at the Benghazi enquiry. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, Television0 Comments

Five Political Reality Shows Actually in Production

Five Political Reality Shows Actually in Production

With last season’s debut of “Naked and Afraid”, it appears that the TV reality show well might be running dry. Having exploited everything from dating to cooking to home improvement, it looks like the reality genre has finally been exhausted.

Luckily for TV producers, there is still one fertile field of TV reality endeavor that’s ripe for the plucking, namely politics as evidenced by these proposed reality shows soon to spring forth from the drawing board: Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, Television0 Comments

Syrian Rebels Beg Bono for Benefit to Save Them

Syrian Rebels Beg Bono for Benefit to Save Them

The last remnants of the allegedly “modern” and “progressive” faction of the Conspicuously Downtrodden Freedom Fighters in Syria™ have come up with a novel plan to prevent their allies in al-Qaeda from spending more time killing them than fighting President Assad.

“We asked Jabhat-al-Nusra and ISIS to come in and help us, but they turned on us and are slaughtering us like pigs,” wailed one self-styled secular militant:

“I mean, we need to find someone else who can do the job properly. We’ve invited Bono to come and save us, he’s good at that kind of thing. This is our last chance, but we believe if there is anyone at all on this earth who can help us win this war and preserve Our Common Humanity™, it’s Bono.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Human Interest0 Comments

Dems/Reps Concoct “Jefferson Bible” Sequel

Dems/Reps Concoct “Jefferson Bible” Sequel

Believe it or not, Thomas Jefferson’s famous pick-and-mix assortment of Godly Greatest Hits, known as the “Jefferson Bible,” isn’t all that, nowadays; not even to the GREATEST CHRISTIAN AUTHORITIES OF ALL™…

Well, Ted Haggard never mentioned it in Jesus Camp, Answers in Genesis never allude to it, and Pat Robertson almost appears oblivious to its very existence…

So it’s only fair that in yet another highly constructive act of cross-party co-operation, the Democrats and Republicans have made their own sequel to the Jefferson Bible. All they needed to do was take the Bible and cut out all the bits they didn’t like! Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Religionism3 Comments

An Annoying Update On Annoying Updates

An Annoying Update On Annoying Updates

Traveling on the road can be stressful. Sometimes too stressful. One doesn’t need non-road situations to make them more stressful. Someone should mention this to Bill Gates.

I am presently doing a road trip with limited amount of time to check out property. This is in a remote part of the country that consists of a lot of trees and hills and not much else.

The towns that are here are Boonievilles, this term not intended as a an insult; they are really cool towns in their unique ways, but ‘Boonievilles’ correctly gives the burgs the proper description as being considerably less sophisticated economically, materially and in terms of modernity. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Internets Tubes0 Comments

Belfast Residents Finally Break Silence on 12th of July Nick Minaj Insult

Belfast Residents Finally Break Silence on 12th of July Nick Minaj Insult

Belfast residents have finally made their feelings known (as people up North undoubtedly do best) regarding a little-known sectarian atrocity from the most recent 12th of July…

When a loyalist flute band surrounded a Catholic youth club and started playing Nicki Minaj (!)

An official apology stated:

It was not actually our intention™ to play that there song, but us can appreciate that the young people might’ee thought we did. Our original intention was to play Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love,” because we wanted to make a good cross-community gesture™; I mean, everybody loves Beyoncé; that’s not a Prod or a Catholic thing, aye? Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Crime, Music, Religionism0 Comments

Melissa Rivers in the Poor House due to Evil Death Taxes

Melissa Rivers in the Poor House due to Evil Death Taxes

How’s that for a clickbait headline? It’s wholly untrue, but that doesn’t stop the cash-hoarders from taking any opportunity to espouse their contra-factual nonsense.

Estate taxes serve several purposes, but I don’t want to spoil the surprise upfront, so if you promise to read down further, I’ll give you all the juicy facts you will have so richly earned. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Celebrity Gossip1 Comment

Man Starts Kickstarter Campaign  to Support Kickstarter Campaigns

Man Starts Kickstarter Campaign to Support Kickstarter Campaigns

Jacob Nastroni doesn’t consider himself an ideas man, but he has at least one he’s putting to the test:

“There are a lot of different Kickstarter projects that I’d love to get behind, but unfortunately I just don’t have the financial means to really get behind them,” says the aspiring venture capitalist.

“I really like seeing the entrepreneurial spirit some of these people have, and, if I’m honest about it, more than a little jealous.” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Biz News, Internets Tubes0 Comments

Page 1 of 6112345...102030...Last »
Glossy News Fake Commercials!


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Visit the “Old Version” of our Site

     
Still want more? Find thousands of buried satirical gems in our archives on the old version of Glossy News!

Check This Out!

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

14 posts
11 posts
11 posts
4 posts
2 posts
1 post


All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial