Did I Bake That? Jaleel White Reprises Role in Upcoming Sequel

Burbank, California – The Olive Garden is rising from the grave in the newest sitcom premiering in March on Fox from Executive Producer, Tyler Perry.

The new show, Family Platters, is a sequel to the 90s hit, Family Matters, that ran for 9 seasons and 215 episodes between 1989 and 1998.

“It’s exciting!” Said Reginald VelJohnson, who is ecstatic to reprise his role as Carl Winslow.

“The whole cast really became close on the set of the original show and after getting the call from Tyler Perry that we were going to be filming a Tyler Perry reproduction of a Tyler Perry production, we all had smiles on our faces,” VelJohnson added. Read more Did I Bake That? Jaleel White Reprises Role in Upcoming Sequel

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Mitt Romney Admits He’s a ‘Douche-bag’

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney dropped out of the Presidential race yesterday stating that he was not qualified for the job.

“I’m a douche-bag”, Romney. “I don’t know what’s going on with the American people. You don’t want a loser like me for president”.

Romney admitted that his comfortable, wealthy lifestyle and wanton disregard for the poor and underprivileged have made him a poor candidate for the nations highest post.

“I admit I would be a pretty good commander in chief though”, Romney continued. “I wouldn’t mind sending young men into war or wantonly killing scores of innocent people. That would actually give me a tickle”.

Many other Republicans expressed relief that Romney has dropped out of the race. Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee said in reference to Romney, “he’s not God fearing enough. He’d lead us into war but I doubt he would push the nuclear trigger! That’s what I’ll do when I’m president. In the name of God and country!”

New Jersey governor Chris Christie claims he just doesn’t like Romney. “He’s a f(ricking) loser! At least now he’s admitting he’s a douche bag! Not like me! I’m a fat, obnoxious regular American! Like all of you!”

Most people interviewed agreed that Romney would suck as president and they would not vote for him. But they expressed the same sentiments for all the republican candidates. And democrats.

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Statistics Show 85% of Men Would Rather Play Mobile Games than Go Out with In-laws

A recent study conducted by South Central Louisiana State University has found that the vast majority of men would rather play games on their mobile phone devices than spend quality time with their in-laws.

The shocking findings released this week challenge previously held beliefs about boyfriends’ and husbands’ intrinsic desire to spend most weekends and holidays in the company of their partners’ parents. Read more Statistics Show 85% of Men Would Rather Play Mobile Games than Go Out with In-laws

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Zombie Apocalypse lasts for 3 minutes

Washington, D.C.- Following an alarming number of calls to the CDC, FBI, and NSA, security analyst have concluded that the zombie apocalypse came and went without any causalities and $0 in property damage.

Current Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, spoke on the matter, “Around 5:03 a.m. eastern standard time, a zombie uprising started near Deer Lick, Kentucky. The uprising promptly ended 3 minutes later, apparently due to the fact that zombies lack muscle tissue.”
Read more Zombie Apocalypse lasts for 3 minutes

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Fact-Checking Sarah Palin’s Incomprehensible Speech

Sarah Palin was invited to spew a lahar of molten cuckoo at the Iowa Freedom Summit, proudly sponsored by Citizens United. She did not fail to fail to impress.

I took it upon myself to fact-check her statements, and there was such a steady flow of crazy magma that I had to cut it off around six minutes, saving the rest for another day.

Apparently the Wicked Witch of the Arctic’s teleprompter broke a few minutes in, so she did what she does best: wing it and hope people will take her seriously. Read more Fact-Checking Sarah Palin’s Incomprehensible Speech

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2014’s Biggest Douchebag of the Year — Dan Bilzerian

Douchebags. Everyone gets their fair of share of douchebags in life, from the fleeting obnoxious ones that drive past you in their pimped out Ford Fiestas in a flurry of LEDs and screeching tyres, to the annoying ones who just have to tell everyone at the party about how they once played beer pong for 5 hours straight. Read more 2014’s Biggest Douchebag of the Year — Dan Bilzerian

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Repentant Paisley’s Heterophobic Hate Campaign

Disclaimer: Earlier version published on TheSpoof.com. I’ve now come round to a more enlightened view of the sensitive matters in question ;)

Given the passing some months ago of Lord Bannside, it’s only fair that I inform you about one of the last interviews conducted with him…

In order to straighten me out set the record straight. Read more Repentant Paisley’s Heterophobic Hate Campaign

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