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President Trump Trashes Oval Office

President Trump Trashes Oval Office

White House sources have confirmed that President Trump has caused considerable damage to the Oval Office.

‘He turned over tables,’ reported one source, ‘upended chairs, ripped curtaining and threw paintings out of smashed windows onto the White House lawn.’

‘He was beside himself with fury about the judgement of the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals,’ said one aide, ‘in which three judges unanimously refused to block the Seattle court ruling that halted the president’s ban on US entry by citizens from seven, mainly Muslim, countries.’

During his rampage, the president was reported to have screamed: ‘I’m the goddam president. I can eat all the ice cream I like; have friends for sleepovers when I want; stay up late; look at whatever I want on the Internet; demonise any group of people I don’t like, and do anything else I damn well please. I can, I can, I can, I can!!!’

‘He was inconsolable for many hours,’ added Doris Hoover, the cleaner employed to keep the Oval Office tidy. ‘When he’d stopped stamping his feet and banging on the walls, he just sat down on the floor and cried. I was real cross with him at first as it’s gonna take me ages to get the room right again. I then felt sorry for the poor little fellow, sat down beside him and gave him a cuddle. He told me between sobs that it was all sooo unfair. He couldn’t understand why “so called God” had let “so called judges” in “so called courts” be so horrid to him.’

Greta Mindstein, a leading US psychologist, has pointed out that, although alarming, this behaviour is characteristic of a normal developmental phase. ‘Usually, however,’ Ms Mindstein explained to reporters, ‘this stage tends to have passed by the age of five or six – and certainly long before a person is eligible to become president of the United States. It’s an effect of what Freud called “infantile narcissism”‘ she clarified, ‘and derives from the greatly exaggerated sense of self-importance that many very young children develop from their natural tendency to see themselves as the centre of their universe.

‘Rational grown-ups placing boundaries on such behaviour,’ Ms Mindstein continued, ‘is part of a learning process. In the case of the president, the recent constraint on his behaviour – and others that will inevitably occur in the near future – should ultimately be internalised as he progresses towards emotional maturity.’

A senior presidential advisor has confirmed that the president has begun to feel a lot more cheerful as time has passed since the Appeal Court ruling, and is looking forward to going to the park to play baseball with his friends and then having his favourite burgers for supper.

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Kim Jong Un Endorses NRA & Their New Pro-Nuke Populist Platform

Kim Jong Un Endorses NRA & Their New Pro-Nuke Populist Platform

As mentioned recently on Glossy News, the NRA just gave a 100% approval rating to ISIS.

But this time around, some violent extremists have decided to return the favor. The NRA’s recent oppositional stance towards the nuclear disarmament of US citizens has gifted them a clear endorsement from pro-weapon, civil-liberties-conscious dictators across the globe.

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DUP Unveils NI Brexit Strategy: Built Fleet of Unsinkable Ships at Harland & Wolff

DUP Unveils NI Brexit Strategy: Built Fleet of Unsinkable Ships at Harland & Wolff

The DUP have finally revealed their Brexit strategy. Continue Reading

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New to the UK? An Irreverent Guide to Our Political Parties

New to the UK? An Irreverent Guide to Our Political Parties

1. National Front Continue Reading

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Progress-Conscious Saudi Arabia Allows Women to Get Run Over by Cars

Progress-Conscious Saudi Arabia Allows Women to Get Run Over by Cars

Notable human rights paragon the Kingdom of Saudia Arabia, who recently got a top spot at the UN for being nice to women, have introduced yet another stunningly liberal gender measure. Continue Reading

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Brexit Exposes Large Scale Corruption By EU Farmers

Brexit Exposes Large Scale Corruption By EU Farmers

The UK Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) has revealed that it is investigating nearly five hundred UK farms. All the investigations relate to the illegal claiming of EU farm subsidies. Continue Reading

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Germans Horrified as Anti-Defamation League Nutters (ADL) Win 13% of German Parliamentary Seats

Germans Horrified as Anti-Defamation League Nutters (ADL) Win 13% of German Parliamentary Seats

Germans have been left swooning after controversial fringe organization the ADL (Anti-Defamation League) won 13% of the seats in last night’s German election. Continue Reading

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Naz Shah: “Armenian Genocide Victims Should Shut Up, for the Sake of European Solidarity”

Naz Shah: “Armenian Genocide Victims Should Shut Up, for the Sake of European Solidarity”

After her various ‘Shut Up’ gaffes, accident-prone Galloway-baiter and confused champagne socialist Naz Shah has now caused a minor upset to victims of the Armenian Genocide. Continue Reading

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Fears Grow Of Intensified North Korean Cyber-Terrorism

Fears Grow Of Intensified North Korean Cyber-Terrorism

An internationally respected think-tank has predicted an increase in North Korean sponsored cyber-terrorism.

The North Korean Strategy Think-tank (NKST), based in Washington, D.C., collates intelligence from defectors, intelligence agencies and informed international observers. Its own psychologists and strategic analysts then use this information to fine-tune their model of the rogue state in an attempt to predict the most likely behaviour of the regime.

The most recent NKST analysis anticipates that further military provocations will be instigated by North Korea. It predicts, however, that these will fall short of any act sufficient to justify an American military strike in the face of Chinese and Russian opposition to military retaliation.

The Russian analysis that the Pyongyang leadership would rather eat grass then give up their nuclear ambitions is accepted as correct. The current NKST model, however, challenges the fear propagated by western media that Kim Jong-un is mentally unstable. The model indicates a low probability that he would deliberately seek a nuclear confrontation. As one NKST source unofficially put it: ‘Pyongyang well understands that after an all-out American attack, no edible grass would remain in North Korea.’

The NKST model has concluded that the current North Korean strategy to damage its perceived enemies will focus on intensification of its already significant efforts in the area of cyber-terrorism.

The NKST model assumes a calculation by Kim Jong-un that cyber-disruption perpetuated by a nation would be unlikely to draw any significant retaliation. This is believed to be a reasonable assumption – in part because culpability is very hard to prove. The NKST also notes, however, that cyber-terrorism is different in type from military action. A military response to a cyber-attack would currently be viewed by the international community as entirely disproportionate.

Credible rumours have recently emerged that WikiLeaks may have suppressed information about North Korean cyber-terrorism – information that had been covertly fed to the organisation from US and European intelligence sources. An unnamed whistleblower within WikiLeaks is alleged to have revealed the existence of reports relating to the experimental North Korean targeting of large numbers of Wi-Fi enabled systems in the west – parts of the, so called, ‘Internet of Things’.

Superficially, many of these reports appear ludicrous, and their alleged suppression by WikiLeaks has been attributed to fear of ridicule or accusations of propagating fake news.

Specific examples of North Korea’s experimental hi-jacking of such systems are alleged to have already included:

*Increasing the oven temperature being used by one contestant in ‘the Great British Bake Off’ in order to incinerate the contestant’s soufflé.
Although appearing to be a ridiculous claim, intelligence agencies have long been aware of Kim Jong-un’s interest in western cookery programmes together with his fury at being rejected for the role of judge in an early series of MasterChef.
*Switching off lights and cameras on the ITV breakfast show, Good Morning Britain, when Piers Morgan was presenting.
As in relation to nuclear provocations, Pyongyang appears to have an eye to the consequences of its actions. The North Koreans may reason that, if the silencing of Piers Morgan was ever attributed to North Korea, it might generate considerable public support for Kim Jong-un in the UK that would counter calls for retaliation in respect of the cyber-attack.
*Triggering Theresa May’s and Angela Merkel’s alarm clocks at three o’clock every morning so the leaders are never able to get a decent night’s sleep.
Any recent close-up photograph of either leader immediately makes this apparently bizarre claim hugely more credible then it first appears to be.

Other attacks are said to have occurred on systems which can be monitored by Pyongyang but for which the practical effects of North Korean hacking are not obvious on the ground.
Examples have allegedly included:
*Disrupting the timetabling computers on the British railway network to cause commuter chaos.
*Changing remotely collected data from UK meteorological stations to make UK weather predictions wildly unreliable.
*Taking selective control of cars across Italy and causing them to be driven in a reckless and suicidal manner.
*Inserting random nonsense into tweets by Donald Trump.
*Changing satnav programs to cause large trucks to become jammed in narrow country lanes.
*Scrambling any official electronic communications that contain the term ‘Brexit’ to cause confusion and chaos in the Brexit negotiation process.

If true, all the above cyber-attacks have been cunningly and effectively concealed because those observing the outcomes would have failed to detect anything unexpected.

Whilst the above actions may seem like superficial mischief, perfecting the perpetration of such attacks is thought to have a deadly serious purpose. For example, it is believed that, by 2020, Kim Jong-un could exercise control over millions of specific, Wi-Fi enabled domestic appliances throughout America and Europe.

One capability this would afford would be to simultaneously switch to maximum heat all vulnerable ovens and hobs in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Such an attack could also include the hyper-energisation of magnetrons in many microwave ovens such that anyone attempting to disconnect the weaponised equipment would be incinerated.

The NKST calculates that such an action could result in firestorms which would decimate many western cities.

Other such doomsday capabilities might include:
*Disabling condom vending machines late on Friday nights so that an unpredicted population increase would challenge western resources.
*Allowing an Alexa voice command to arrange a next day, Amazon Prime delivery of plutonium 239 to Pyongyang.
*Aiding Jeremy Corbyn to become UK Prime Minister and hence destroying the UK economy.
*Assisting Russia in aiding Donald Trump’s re-election for a second term.

The NKST has cautioned that with so many items of commercial and domestic equipment increasing being Wi-Fi enabled, the nature of any such co-ordinated attacks would be limited only by the imagination of the Pyongyang leadership.

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Jeremy Corbyn Denounces ‘Islamophobic Stereotypes’ Surrounding ISIS ‘Rapists’

Jeremy Corbyn Denounces ‘Islamophobic Stereotypes’ Surrounding ISIS ‘Rapists’

Fresh from throwing Sarah Champion under the off-peak Trot Train after her article about predominantly Pakistani Muslim grooming gangs, Jeremy Corbyn has continued his heroic crusade against Islamophobia…

By challenging ignorant right-wing neoliberal mainstream establishment stereotypes about the Islamic State. Continue Reading

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Donald Trump Blames ‘Divisive Alt-Left Troublemakers’ for Nazi Atrocities

Donald Trump Blames ‘Divisive Alt-Left Troublemakers’ for Nazi Atrocities

Hot on the heels of his recent condemnation of the Alt-Left’s perceived role in Charlottesville, crossed-dressed statues and (via Comrade Saruman) the great Minas Tirith massacre in Tolkien’s equally imaginary fantasy fairyland of Gondor…

The Donald is now playing a time-traveling role. Continue Reading

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Blair Bombshell: “Tories Ignored my Warning Not to Intervene in Libya”

Blair Bombshell: “Tories Ignored my Warning Not to Intervene in Libya”

Former Prime Minister and most hated man in Britain Tony Blair has recently dropped a devastating bombshell that is sure to restore his flagging reputation beyond all measure. Continue Reading

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Answers to the Macron/Mussolini Quiz: Could You Tell the Difference?

Answers to the Macron/Mussolini Quiz: Could You Tell the Difference?

Hope you enjoyed the quiz!

Answers: Continue Reading

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Who Said it First? Macron or Mussolini? (Questions: 4/4)

Who Said it First? Macron or Mussolini? (Questions: 4/4)

And here’s the final part! The answers appear in five minutes.

If you found it funny (or just downright disturbing), feel free to share and tell your friends!

24. I have a vision of my country, and I cannot sit and watch things pass by. Continue Reading

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Sacked Stonehenge Tour Guide Fool Takes Employer to Court

Sacked Stonehenge Tour Guide Fool Takes Employer to Court

Stonehenge tour guide buffoon Charles ‘Rocky’ Stone has taken his employer to court for unfair dismissal.
Stone 56, was fired for misleading tourists with ill-informed facts and research. Stone commented:
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Who Said it First? Macron or Mussolini? (Questions: 2/4)

Who Said it First? Macron or Mussolini? (Questions: 2/4)

Hope you’re enjoying the new quiz!

How many did you get right last time??? Continue Reading

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Who Said it First? Macron or Mussolini? (Questions: 1/4)

Who Said it First? Macron or Mussolini? (Questions: 1/4)

The Garcon-Wonder Emmanuel Macron is facing some stiff challenges in times to come.

Not least, the somewhat superficially sinister character of some of his pronouncements.

Can you work out which quotes are from Macron, and which are from Mussolini? Continue Reading

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