Bangladeshi rescuers pulled a garment worker alive from the rubble of a building 17 days after the collapse and immediately ordered her back to work.

Referring to her time buried alive as “17 days unauthorized vacation”, the garment factory she works for transferred her to another facility to begin paying off the time.

As she was transported by ambulance to her new job, the rescued woman who goes by the single name of Reshma told reporters that she already works 20 hours a day for 15 cents an hour. “Thank goodness for the raise, [or] else I’d never pay off all this vacation time,” she praised her good fortune. Continue Reading

The White House is considering sending sympathy cards to Syrian rebels, officials said, but no arrangements have been made.

A decision to supply sympathy cards would indicate a change in the Obama administration, which has resisted repeated requests to expand its concern in the Syrian conflict that has killed more than 70,000 people, mostly civilians.

The administration is also considering supplying chocolates, fruits, and other comforting goodies along with stuffed animals for the Syrian children that are tending to their wounded brothers, sisters, and parents. Continue Reading

With a lack of signals coming from analysts and virtually no news that could have an impact on crude prices, oil has again suffered moderate setbacks today.

Confounding investors who lack any fundamentals to trade on, Wall Street again witnessed a pull back affecting US crude oil prices.

Analysts say absolutely any news is good for supporting oil. When unemployment figures rise, crude offers a safe haven for investors fearing an economic slowdown, while any improvement in the economy signals potential for increased demand. Continue Reading

After weeks of crisis and gridlock, Italians have a new prime minister, and his name is Biden. That is, Joseph Robinette Biden.

America’s vice president was selected for the position after consensus picks such as Oliver Stone and Roman Polanski lost out due to a last minute revolt by Silvio Berlusconi’s People of Freedom Party, which desired to put Monica Bellucci in the position. Continue Reading

In light of recent events in Boston and West, TX, Satire has decided to take a break. Luckily, there are people in this world that can step in at a moment’s notice and fill her shoes quite nicely.

The North Korean government, a faithful part of the substitute pool for many years, was called in at the last minute to take over Satire’s duties while she was out on leave. Continue Reading

TEHRAN – Millions of Iranians have been left dumbfounded after the Ayatollah Khomeini announced his conversion to Judaism.

News agencies in Iran say the Supreme Leader underwent his change of faiths early Wednesday and chose to make an announcement only now with the hopes of cheering up his wife, who has been quite cranky for the last few weeks.

On-scene reporter Frank Douglas noted the shift in religious loyalties could force the United States to give Iran foreign aid, which its economy desperately needs after years of floundering due to sanctions imposed by the West. Continue Reading

SHANGHAI–Chinese officials have released an official statement today on the reason behind the almost 3,000 porcine carcasses found floating in the Huangpu river.

The well-timed statement has successfully lifted the fog of mystery surrounding this formerly intriguing incident and, at the same time, brought a sigh of relief to a tense and worried urban population. Continue Reading

PYONGYANG—Recently, Iron E-News was given the rare chance to attend a very special and exclusive book signing in an exotic, distant, and oft misunderstood place: the residential palaces in the heart of the DPRK.

Kim Jong Un, the son of the late and great example to dictators everywhere, officially released his first mini autobiography just last week. Continue Reading

Israel denying entry to a Jew? Is that possible? Are we talking about the Jewish state? The global haven for Jews? The one with the open doors and outstretched arms to Jews and only Jews? The news report said that Adam Shapiro, accompanying his pregnant wife, an Israeli citizen, to her home in Israel, had been turned away at the airport.

RIGHT: Adam Shapiro barred from Israel (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Continue Reading

CARACAS – Aides of the late Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez have confirmed that the 58-year-old’s body will still honor the fourth term it was elected to serve back in October.

Mr. Chavez, who had ruled over the Venezuelan people since 1999, succumbed to a long battle with cancer Tuesday, prompting fears of widespread chaos in the capital of Caracas. Continue Reading

A group of faithful prayer warriors, armed with nothing more than their bibles and a long history of religious indoctrination, are slowly returning to their normal lives after what they describe as their victory over evil.

They find vindication for their methods in the death of Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez in a battle that spanned 14 years and his four successful elections. Continue Reading

A new study released by Barvard University shows a startling shift in the demographics of the United States from predominantly white to now overwhelmingly Filipina.

The report reveals that Filipina women now comprise 59 percent of the population, dwarfing the totals of all countries, including the Philippines itself. Continue Reading

According to Israeli authorities, 30-year-old Palestinian prisoner Arafat Jaradat died of cardiac arrest five days after being arrested on February 18, 2013. Because of doubts, however, I asked to interview the prison medical examiner who had listed the cause of death. “Of course,” replied the Press Officer, “just be sure to pass through the Israeli Office of Press Censorship when you finish your report.” On this condition I was introduced the the coroner, Selova Proval. Following is the interview.

RIGHT: “Yes, children. Joan of Arc died of cardiac arrest.” (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Continue Reading

An Exodus rocket launched three Israeli astronauts and 100 Palestinian refugees into orbit Wednesday, kicking off a ten-year mission to establish a permanent human colony on the surface of Mars.

The rocket roared into mostly clear skies from the Gaza Strip at 11:50 PM EET on February 20, 2013. Once in orbit, it will jettison a tiny capsule dubbed “Exodus I,” beginning a two-year journey to the Red Planet for the 100 Palestinians packed tightly inside. Then a larger capsule will return the three Israeli astronauts back to the safety of Earth. Continue Reading

China’s military leaders admitted today that they have been hacking into American military and industrial computers since the advent of the internet.

“Of course we’ve been hacking into American computers. You hack into ours, we hack into yours. That’s what all countries do!” said Chinese Defense Minister Liang Guanglie.

Guanglie further stated that the United States cannot keep any secrets from China due to China’s advanced hacking abilities.

“Just last night we hacked into President Obama’s Skype account while he had Skype sex with Mrs. Obama. Very hot!” Guanglie stated. “And she look very good in leather bustier and stockings!”

Other sources stated that the Chinese government has hacked into every American industry including aerospace, defense, telecommunications, aviation, robotics and all types of manufacturing. They have even hacked into the lucrative American porn industry.

“We make more money off porn that we do off all that military stuff”, said Chinese Premier Wen Jiabo.

Jiabo said that the Chinese government knows as much or more about Americans than the US government.

“We have files on all American citizens. We know when you are sleeping. We know when you’re awake. We know if you’ve been bad or good”, Jiabo concluded.

The world map has been redrawn after India won Kashmir by defeating Pakistan in a checkers match.

According to correspondents on the ground, India pulled off a close victory by eliminating several red kings from the gameboard, leaving Pakistan boxed in and helpless.

With few options remaining, the northern country sadly agreed to surrender the game, as well as its presence in Kashmir. Continue Reading