PYONGYANG, North Korea —GlossyNews The government of North Korea announced on Thursday that it would place the embalmed body of recently passed Kim Jong-il on permanent display next to his father’s body at Kumsusan Palace in Pyongyang and install his statues, portraits and memorial Towers of Eternal Life across the country.

Almost as an afterthought, the government quietly revealed that the 3rd member of the Kim family, Kim Jong-un, will be embalmed and deified when he passes on. Just not in the same way as his father and grandfather before him. Rather, the government spokesman said, the current Kim will take the name Kim Chi-un on his death and will be religiously diced and pickled in the same manner as the pungent national dish.

Instead of lying in a perpetual embalmed state, like father and grandfather, Kim Chi-un will be the first deified ruler of the communist country to be consumed by its country’s citizens, allowing his carbon footprint to stay quite low. There is after all, a famine of drastic proportions raging in N. Korea and the new ruler has now decided that he will assume the role of “Savior of The Realm” in a similar manner to what Christ did with his early Christians — it is his wish to become his country’s 21st century savior by feeding the hungry, and not in the 5 fishes/3 loaves manner, but rather a much grander style, KimChi for everyone.

Instead of the Towers of Eternal Life erected for the previous rulers, Kim Chi-un will be honored solely in thousands of restaurants in the country, where their now-sacred stores of kimchi will become altars to the young ruler’s life on earth. Dramatic rituals will be written and prayers developed for the daily deification of Kim Chi-un.

A monthly collection of holy days will be announced and observed beginning in 2013 and by the time Kim Jong-un does die, the various sacred practices will be second nature to the lifestyles of the North Koreans. Consider the coming 30 years or so as practice for the eventual deification. Each citizen will assume the title of “novice” at first, slowly moving up the spiritual ladder to the eventual title of “leader” at the top.

Of course, as he hasn’t yet passed, the multitudes of kimchi that are being made and used will be blessed on an annual basis by the current ruler. This nation-wide blessing process will take up most of his official time. There’s a lot of kimchi being made in Korea these days.

A new department of the government has been established. The agency is entrusted to a group of highly educated men with the sacred work of blessing all the country’s kimchi production. These men will be crowned National Treasures and live a sacred life of ease, with devotion to the kimchi as their calling. When this Kim dies, they will control the continued making of the exclusive and authentic Kim Chi-un for the nation.

Kim Jong-un is reputed to have made many private jokes for his boyhood friends at school in Switzerland about his pickled grandfather, many times using street slang Korean “얼굴 피클 사우어”, which is pronounced “kim chi ill” and vaguely translates to “sour pickle f**ky face” – a howlingly funny double enténdre, especially if you are a Korean teenage boy.

Stocks plunged worldwide and oil closed below $80 today on news that Germany will end its European Union membership effective 2012.

Financial analysts and global security experts are unable to predict how the unexpected move will shape an increasingly interconnected world. This much is known, nobody knows why the Germans made this decision, they won’t say why, and we have no way of making them talk. Continue Reading

A recent disturbing discovery by a North Dakotan historian has revealed a disturbing fact about one of the least popular states in the union- the fact that it is not a state.

John Rolczynski has discovered that the governor and the state deputies at the time of it’s founding never took the oaths of office necessary to give North Dakota statehood. Continue Reading

The current recession is a big success state stated the heads of all the multi national corporations unanimously in their secret publication The Upper Crust Of The Upper Crust.

This publication is known and distributed only to those possessing more than 50 million dollars or controlling more than 10% of the local economy in whatever country they are in.

Reading from a copy carelessly thrown away in Bill Gates’s trash bin, we were able to glean this information from an article therein entitled “We’re In The Money, The REAL Money!” in which it becomes evident from the exuberant writing that the bad economy that has plagued us since the fall of 2007 was a planned and controlled event by the top corporate forces that run things in our financial world.

Using a series of ingeniously camouflaged, decoyed ploys, the top richest 2% of the world’s moneyed people managed to shift the balance of power so that they effectively controlled 98% of the world’s wealth.

“An amazing economic coup d’ tat!” crowed the article. “The world’s wealth now belongs in our hands where it should be. We have successfully eliminated the middle class and made slaves of the lower class and the managers who direct them.”

It is now apparent that the entire 2007 recession was an economic set up for the takeover by the upper classes of the entire financial systems of the modern world. By ballooning the housing market and shoving banks to the point of bankruptcy, they have successfully impoverished the entire working class by pulling the rug out from under them by attacking them at their most basic needs- their money and their living spaces.

It has successfully put them into such a position of desperation and need that the rich will now have a source of cheap labor for the next decade. Already normal people cannot manage to save any money and are forced to work mind bending hours at low wages just to survive.

There is a great pool of homeless in such difficult straits that they will do anything for work. The brilliant maneuvering of the upper class has successfully stripped the lower and middle classes of whatever power or wealth they had.

“The world is our oyster and the bottom feeders can have our scraps to suck on! Let them eat cake, or, better yet, let them eat the crumbs of ours.” states the article. “We have now replaced God as the top man for them to worship.”

Modernization efforts in post-Mubarak Egypt were dealt yet another blow this week, with announcement that the first ever Arabic spelling contest will not take place.

Leaders of the fledgling coalition seeking to transition Egypt from military rule to a secular republic were quick to answer outrage from western media on what’s being called ‘Spell-gate.’ Continue Reading

Saudi women are hitting the streets, revving their engines and trying to drive home a very serious point. It’s all part of a push for social reform by defying the desert kingdom’s longstanding ban on female drivers.

“We are not trying to reinvent the steering wheel. We just want to be more than third-class citizens in our own country. So-called ‘backseat bitches.’ Continue Reading

Al-Qaeda made a major announcement this week, promoting Ayman al-Zawahiri to fill its Chief Terrorist Officer post, a role that has been vacant since the death of its long-time leader, Osama bin Laden.

Al-Zawahiri’s greatest challenge will be convincing critics and diehard al-Qaeda purists that he is the right terrorist to fill bin Laden’s shoes.

“This is exactly like when a famous band gets a new lead singer. You have to win people over. Genesis, Van Halen, AC/DC – they all changed front men and still churned out the hits,” says music critic, Dean Branch. Continue Reading

23 million insomniac Americans watched the royal wedding of Prince William and commoner Kate Middleton. Seriously! Rousted out of bed at a ridiculous a.m. hour to witness the event, pale compared to, say, Donald Trump getting skewered by a Brahma bull.

But celebrities and royalty have always captivated bumpkins. For example, medieval serfs spoke of nothing else as they whacked dirt clods with crude garden implements: Continue Reading

Among the hoard of video footage found in Osama Bin Laden’s hideout were a number of out-takes and blooper tapes, it was revealed today. These tapes are a mixture of mistakes by Bin Laden himself while talking directly to camera and practical jokes he played on members of his entourage.

CIA analysts examining the tapes say that this new evidence has proved very useful in tracking down his terrorist network, as well as being “laugh-out-loud funny.” Continue Reading

LONDON (AP) — GlossyNews.com – Wills and Kate®, a royal pair if ever there was one, is the official copyrighted name of the British Royal Family’s new world tour idea.

Set to run through 2011, the tour will begin in Canada on June 30 – with an overnight at the Arctic Circle Hilton; move to California on July 8 for two days at Disneyland; thence proceeding around the globe. Continue Reading

ISLAMABAD – [Glossy News] – The recent demise of Osama Bin Laden has left a vacuum at the heart of Al Qaeda, the world’s foremost terrorist organization.

There is no shortage of ambitious would-be Public Enemy Number One’s to fill the void however, and they are currently jostling for position in what has been dubbed the “Race to the Shite House.” Continue Reading

VARIOUSLY AROUND D.C. — GlossyNews.com Trump is really pissed — he felt that only 8 years of ‘Mission Accomplished’ was not long enough to have any impact. He said, “America needs a real someone to hate.

I thought I had 2012 sealed in a jar with the Birth Certificate issue but that was blown away when he made it public last week. Much to my displeasure, I had to take all the credit for that reveal. But we lost our one best universal hate. All we, as a country, had left to hate was bin Laden — now a dead bin Laden. What’s to hate there?” Continue Reading

Islamabad, I think it was last week – GlossyNews.com – After two decades of military operations spanning four continents, at a cost billions of dollars and thousands of U.S. and coalition lives, Al Qaeda mastermind Osama Bin Laden died suddenly last week.

Sources in Pakistan say he was found slumped in his bathroom. Bin Laden’s physician, Dr Ibrahem Patel, said he was still in shock over the incident. “One minute he was with us. Continue Reading

Tripoli Zoo, Tuesday: In a secret satellite conference last Tuesday, Libyan dictator Muhammar Gaddafi reportedly told NATO he had disarmed all of his Guerrillas and he “no longer wanted bloodlessness.”

“No word of a lie. What I say is true. I have taken away my gorillas arms and I want similarly unarmed peacekeepers to enter the Libyan capital of Tripoli as soon as humanly possible,” said Gaddafi, whose stronghold has until now remained impenetrable. Continue Reading

Reports are coming out of England that part of the cost of throwing one of the most lavish weddings of the decade will be borne by British taxpayers. Unfortunately, with the economy pretty much still on a downward slide, this news could not have come at a worse time for the royal subjects.

To soften the blow, the Queen has come up with a plan that she hopes will take the sting out of bearing some of the burden for a wedding that is rumored to be overpriced and which most of them may only get to attend by watching it on the telly. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON DC – An emergency meeting was convened today between President Obama, top Japanese officials, members of the IAEA, General Electric CEO Jeffrey Immelt, and several nuclear industry leaders, to discuss ways to save the precious fuel rods from the crippled Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant before it succumbs to the dreaded “Chernobyl Solution.”

Concerned that the fuel rods will be buried forever under a giant mound of concrete, the task force, which is being dubbed Save All Nuclear Energy (or SANE), consulted with a panel of experts to determine the best method for retrieving the coveted radioactive material from the reactor core. Continue Reading