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Shock Saudi Royal Wedding ‘She’s Definitely In My Top 5′ Says Prince

Shock Saudi Royal Wedding ‘She’s Definitely In My Top 5′ Says Prince

Crown Prince Abdul Rahman Al-Saud of Saudi Arabia whose family have not only ruled the desert kingdom for over 80 years but also give the country the first part of its name, is to marry an American Jewish pork butcher he met online at dating site e-harmony. Continue Reading

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Kim Jong-un Diagnosed w/ Breast Cancer; Citizens Forced to Cry or be Shot

Kim Jong-un Diagnosed w/ Breast Cancer; Citizens Forced to Cry or be Shot

It was early spring of 2014 when the savior of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, was enjoying his three course meal in complete tranquility, an annual source of food considered by his people.

To everyone’s surprise, later that day, it was established that their royalty and highness had been diagnosed with severe breast cancer.

Military leaders proposed for him to consider launching a nuclear warning, something to frighten enemy countries, but not really do anything else because they were “so messed up economically and ideologically”. All military leaders that agreed with the statement were later executed for treason. Continue Reading

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Pistorius’ Defence ‘A Shot in the Dark’

Pistorius’ Defence ‘A Shot in the Dark’

A leaked document has been revealed to the press outlining Oscar Pistorius’ proposed defence arguments in his ongoing murder trial.

The legal brief describes the three main planks to his defence designed to undermine the prosecutors case.Firstly he is to claim that he ‘just really really really needed the toilet’ and to refer to expert testimony from his five doctors that being denied the ability to urinate can lead to temporary insanity otherwise referred to as ‘yellow streak psychosis’. Continue Reading

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Malaysian Flight MH370 Survivors ‘Confirmed’

Malaysian Flight MH370 Survivors ‘Confirmed’

Kimi Ono, head of the MH370 survivors group, held a press conference today, to deny claims from the Malaysian investigation authorities that all those aboard the doomed plane were ‘obviously now dead’.

Mrs Ono began ‘I know my husband is still alive, I’ve known him for 35 years and never once have I seen him dead, not even for a minute’. Continue Reading

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Malaysian Airliner Wins Gold in 2014′s Hide and Seek Olympic Tournament

Malaysian Airliner Wins Gold in 2014′s Hide and Seek Olympic Tournament

Malaysian Airliner MH370 staff and passengers were officially declared 2014’s Hide and Seek gold champions by the International Olympics Committee this week leaving millions pissed that the team did not attempt to break the world record set by Osama Bin Laden back in 2001.

When questioned about the world record, President of the IOC, Thomas Bach, replied, “Never in my life have I seen such dedication set by a group of people such as these Malaysian folks. I have to say that pulling this off for weeks on end without help and only four people dead is a real achievement, but it wasn’t enough for them to become true hall-of-famers.” Continue Reading

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International MH370 Search Efforts To Be Unified Under “Operation Wild Goose”

International MH370 Search Efforts To Be Unified Under “Operation Wild Goose”

Responding to criticism that search efforts for the ill fated Flight 370 have been unfocused, haphazard and confusing, United Nations Secretary-General Ban-ki-moon announced today that all future efforts will be directed by one authority under the title “Operation Wild Goose”. Continue Reading

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US To Send Bullshit Detector To Malaysia

US To Send Bullshit Detector To Malaysia

In the latest effort to uncover the fate of MH370, the United States has announced it will send a state of the art Bullshit Detector to Malaysia.

“The BSD will be located adjacent to the Perdana Putra building, which houses the Office of the Prime Minister and, coincidentally, the headquarters of Malaysia Airlines,” stated a press release from the US Joint Chiefs of Staff.

“We believe the placement of this device will uncover the truth of what happened to the ill fated airliner and help bring closure to the friends and relatives of crew and passengers.”

The technical specifics and capabilities of the BSD are cloaked in secrecy, but knowledgeable sources said it includes a combination of high tech eavesdropping devices, high altitude drones, Internet and social networking hacking software and Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show”.

In related news the government of Malaysia revealed it detected low altitude radar pings that may have emanated from MH370 over Lake Tanganyika in Africa. Dozens of international airplanes and ships have broken off their search in the southern Indian Ocean and are now progressing at full speed to Tanzania.

photo credit: D.C.Atty via photopin cc

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Danish Zoo Defends Killing Of Employees

Danish Zoo Defends Killing Of Employees

A Danish zoo on Wednesday defended its decision to kill four employees citing age factors, the risk of inbreeding and the arrival of a new, younger male hire.

This week’s executions have put the Copenhagen Zoo on the defensive again, a month after it infuriated animal rights activists by killing a healthy giraffe. Continue Reading

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France Finds Missing Flight 370

France Finds Missing Flight 370

After waiting more than ten days to jump into the search for Flight 370, France declared it has found the ill fated airliner off the coast of Italy.

“We were delayed due to union repairs on our sole high imaging satellite which experienced a malfunction several years ago.

“Luckily, when it became operational, it was positioned directly over the spot where the plane went down and we found it within minutes,” said French Foreign Minister Pepe Lepew.

The lone satellite image released by France shows MH370 lying on its side in shallow water just yards off the west coast of Italy near Isola del Giglio.

“We were surprised, it was larger than expected.” added Lepew.

Breadstix.

photo credit: StefoF via photopin cc

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Posted in Travel, World News4 Comments

Flight 370 – Submitted, For Your Approval

Flight 370 – Submitted, For Your Approval

You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination.

There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. Continue Reading

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BREAKING: Glossy News to Feature Malaysia Flight 370 Article

BREAKING: Glossy News to Feature Malaysia Flight 370 Article

GN Corporate Headquarters—After waiting long enough for someone, anyone, to address the issue that was clearly a major, current topic, Glossy News has finally caved in and decided to break their deafening silence regarding Malaysia Flight 370.

“I just know we were all thinking about it, but for what seemed like an eternity, not a single article about the missing jetliner had been suggested or appeared on our site. The wait for someone to address this was agonizing,” said an anonymous employee. Continue Reading

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Posted in Travel, World News4 Comments

US Defense Department Claims MH370 Attacked By Cylons

US Defense Department Claims MH370 Attacked By Cylons

In a strange press release distributed by the US Department of Defense on Wednesday, US Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel says Malaysia Flight 370 was attacked by time traveling Cylons and was forced to jump to hyperspace.

“The Boeing 777 has been a super secret, black ops project of the Department of Defense for some time. The plane in question had been equipped with futuristic, faster than light engines, developed from reverse engineering of alien technology from space ships that traveled to our time from the distant future.” Continue Reading

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Obama Announces Sanctions on Lyudmila Putin

Obama Announces Sanctions on Lyudmila Putin

During a White House Rose Garden press conference Thursday, President Barack Obama, in an effort to drive Russian forces from the Crimean Peninsula, announced far reaching sanctions against Vladimar Putin’s wife, Lyudmila.

“We have frozen funds in her Citicorp and Bank of America savings accounts, erased her Skymiles, cancelled her credit cards to Barney’s, Pottery Barn and Victoria Secret, and made sure she will never again experience pilates at Moscow’s LA Fitness Center.” said Obama. Continue Reading

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FBI Fringe Division MH370 Test Successful, Parallel Universe Travel Safe

FBI Fringe Division MH370 Test Successful, Parallel Universe Travel Safe

At a press conference Tuesday held at FBI Headquarters in Quantico, Virginia, lead blonde FBI investigator Agent Olivia Dunham, flanked by Mad Scientist Walternate Bishop and his intelligent and attractive yet curiously unaccomplished son Peter, revealed Malaysia Flight 370 was a government test of inter dimensional travel. Continue Reading

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Malaysia Flight 370 At Hogwarts

Malaysia Flight 370 At Hogwarts

In a Tweet sent early Monday morning to the 740 million followers of @harrypotter, Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of the private prep school Hogwarts, assured relatives of passengers and flight crew of Malaysia Flight 370 they were safely housed at his School For Wizards in Scotland. Continue Reading

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Search for Missing Malaysian Jetliner Extends to Blue Ball, PA

Search for Missing Malaysian Jetliner Extends to Blue Ball, PA

Searchers from 26 countries have now focused their attention on the search for missing Malaysian Airlines flight 370 on the tiny, unincorporated town of Blue Ball, PA.

“We had a mysterious radar blip over Blue Ball”, said US Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “We think that might be the missing jetliner! It’s a bit of a long shot but at this point we can’t rule out anything!”

Hagel said the jetliner may have landed somewhere, refueled, then headed out over Blue Ball although this, like all reports on the missing plane, cannot be verified.

Major John E Stevens of the PA Air National Guard was verbally reprimanded for not disclosing the existence of the radar information sooner. “I didn’t know it might have something do with the missing airliner!” Stevens protested. “I thought it was just a flock of geese!”

Other military commanders throughout the world are checking their own blips on their radar screens to see if they might be the missing jetliner.

“We are also looking at the possibility of UFOs” Hagel continued. “Though the Blue Ball theory seems more likely, at least at this point. We just want to make some fucking sense out of this whole fucking thing! A fucking 777 can’t just vanish like a fart in the wind! Do you want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!!!”

Hagel excused himself at this point to take his medication.

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