Disclaimer: Earlier version published on TheSpoof.com. I’ve now come round to a more enlightened view of the sensitive matters in question 😉
Given the passing some months ago of Lord Bannside, it’s only fair that I inform you about one of the last interviews conducted with him…
In order to straighten me out set the record straight.
Sadly, Our Ian, the Man of God once narrowly widely renowned for his godly denunciations of sodomy, unchastity, and general lasciviousness and debauchery…
He eventually ending up selling out, and conforming to the wicked ways of this world.
Boys-a-dear now, that there’s tara, so it is! Can ye believe it now, boys!
Aye, now: one of the last dreams of the mellowed former firebrand, the Reverend Ian Paisley, was to begin a “Save Ulster From Straight People” campaign.
Well, Our Ian was once highly appreciated and venerated for that there oul’ “Save Ulster from Sodomy” campaign…
But as time’s gone on, he’s eventually come to a more compromisin’ and sinful perspective, so he has:
“Well now,” he commences in his unmistakable voice of a seasoned polemicist…
(Even if he was the only skilled rhetorics boy in the entire history of Northern Ireland, to be fair te ye!):
Now, I done a bit of reading around, (a bit wider than my usual material, for that part)…
And it was revealed unto me, in fear and trembling, that straight people have committed countless atrocities and massacres throughout history.
So, I came to the conclusion that if there’s anyone who has caused more destruction and chaos throughout history than gay people, it’s the straights.
Certainly, purges and persecutions are the biggest and most tragic part of this. But we straights have even senselessly committed wanton cultural vandalism and subversion…
Consider Frankie Goes to Hollywood and George Michael versus Rick Astley or Daniel O’Donnell…
Well? What say you? No halting between contrary opinions.
Aye, which is the ungodly wickedness the devils themselves tremble to name and to which they fear to hearken? And which is the manna and honey of spiritual inspiration and blessedness?
Indeed, the proof is all there, recorded somewhere. Find a reliable source, consult the text, hear what you will hear: and thou shalt truly perceive the truth.
But yes… we have to face facts. It’s not gay people who have posed the biggest threat to life and limb throughout history.
No, no, NO!.. It’s US!
I have it on good authority that we should repent of our wickedness, and pray for strength to make the best amends we can.
And let’s hope that Simon Cowell and Louis Walsh will not sin against the flashy lights (and the pleasant beats) of 1980s pride music…
For, I believe that God wants us to know that there are many paths to happiness and joy in this world…
So let us not artificially and maliciously foreclose a path to peace, rest and love for one another, in a land of equals…
If not a “Heaven on Earth,” at least a land of friendship and justice; one where we all wish one another well, and value and acknowledge our own freedom…
And just as much, the liberty of others, to grow and to know peace and joy.
So… God bless us all, and teach us to bear with one another; to neither wound another with our unkindness and intolerance, nor to bear grudges against those who have treated us with cruelty and a lack of understanding. Amen.
Unfortunately, as with the prophet Elijah, there is Still-At-Least-One-Godly-Man-Left-In Ulster™, to walk in the ways of a wrathful and just God.
Aye, indeed: Jim Allister of Traditional Unionist Voice, no less, was a quare bit less impressed than usual:
“So, unsurprisingly, Paisley shows his true colours as a patsy of the homosexual agenda. Well, the TUV has always stood firm against this nonsense, even if the mainstream parties haven’t. The word is, Vote Paisley, Smell PC-Fresh-As-A-Daisy!”
But what if one of your relatives turned out gay, Jim?
“Now THAT is an extremely offensive question. Who do you think you are to even think about that? If someone is truly raised in the ways of the Lord, they shall not depart thereof, so long as they both shall live.
“Well? Hm?… Do you need me to quote you chapter and verse or something?”
Well… looks like, in the end, Paisley had his work cut out to convince everybody. God help us all.
Having said that, cheers to the Big Man. He’s probably looking down from the Pearly Pub now, smiling on the people from back home…
And of course, enjoying a glass of good Scotch whisky, an innocent and harmless pleasure that was sadly forbidden him in his former life…
And by now, he is no doubt hoping no one will take his old errors too seriously. “No hard feelinses,” Ian! 🙂