Archive | Top Stories

Our Crowdfunded North Korea Movie is Chugging Along, but it Needs Your Help

Our Crowdfunded North Korea Movie is Chugging Along, but it Needs Your Help

Kim Jong-Un is reportedly flipping his shit since the wide release of “The Interview”, which even his most dastardly designs did nothing to diminish.

We’re about halfway done filming ours, and I must say, it… looks… amazing. “The Interview” was pure Hollywood, but ours aims to really take the piss out of him and his absurd hermit kingdom.

Here is a pre-pre-trailer to show you what we’ve got so far, but if you scroll down far enough and read things close enough, you’ll get to see an actual clip from the movie to show you what we’re doing. Continue Reading


Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics, Video News6 Comments

The Convenience of Misogyny? Kerry, Clinton, the White-Knight-Industrial Complex (2/2)

The Convenience of Misogyny? Kerry, Clinton, the White-Knight-Industrial Complex (2/2)

Continuing what I said yesterday about about John Kerry’s ethically problematic text on war rape and its pro-“Humanity” implications…

Of course, there is fierce market competition among the The Party of Humanity, rather as there are among all religious cults, sects, and militant creeds in general.

But of course, what unifies each of these Communities of (Absolute) Truth is a tendency to diminish and trivialize the suffering of individuals. Continue Reading


Posted in Politics, Serious Commentary0 Comments

The Convenience of Misogyny? Kerry, Clinton, the White-Knight-Industrial Complex (1/2)

The Convenience of Misogyny? Kerry, Clinton, the White-Knight-Industrial Complex (1/2)

As Hillary Clinton has announced she is running for the US Presidency, it is probably a good time to take a broader look at the potential pitfalls of politicians being presented as “feminists,” however defined.

I don’t dispute that feminism (however defined) is a good thing.

But there is nothing “innocent” about prominent political figures portrayed in glowing ethical terms (even when the presentation is only being made by their supporters).

Instead of speaking directly about Clinton, I am going to talk about another matter first, to better illustrate (I hope) the problem of complicity between misogyny and superficial appeals to purportedly “feminist” idealism.

More precisely: I am not sure that there has been enough critical analysis of the rather prominent and surprisingly timely “Global Summit to End Sexual Violence in Conflict” of 2014.

For it is as though, because rape is an appalling crime (which it certainly is), the presumed good intentions of those who present themselves as opposing rape should be deemed in itself an argument in favor of the proceedings of the summit.

I say “presumed,” because I do not think the question of sincerity or insincerity is the most important consideration here. And in any case, questions of motivation are speculative, and often rest on over-simplistic and inappropriately reductionist notions of human psychology that I consider to be untenable.

So the question of what may or may not motivate John Kerry, William Hague or others, is not necessarily the most important question, as compared to the implications of what has been formulated and pronounced at the summit.

But more crucially, in terms of implication and not motivation, there is such a thing as what I call the corporatist “politics of decency.” This is the politics of opposing misogyny, racism, homophobia, or other prejudices (held by people across the whole political spectrum) on a distorted basis.

That is: these phenomena are always opposed solely because such prejudices harm individuals (which they certainly do); but also (at least partly) because they are, in the words of a certain kind of conspicuously benevolent person in the UK, “bad form.”

Still, while there may be cases where some are opposed to war rape because the topic of rape is “unpleasant,” “uncomfortable…”

Or perhaps even because it is a topic that allows The Universal League of Socially Just Vanillamen to rally around The Right Side…

Well, all this is no substitute for explicitly emphasizing how Crimes Against Women harm individuals.

On this note, see John Kerry’s deeply problematic text on an embassy website (also published in the London Evening Standard some time ago):

No hyperlink included. If you aren’t prepared to copy and paste this, then you aren’t prepared to put the time in to think about how problematic the issues under discussion are.

That’s right son, I’m being patronizing. Because speaking of “patronizing…”

Well, the article in question says:

Sexual violence plagues every country. It is not just (sic) a domestic criminal justice issue. Acts of sexual violence demean our (sic) collective (sic) humanity (sic).

Not just? No comment.

Our? Who is “we?”

What is humanity, and precisely what is collective about it? Maybe ask old Uncle Joe or Pol Pot how that collective humanity thing is going.

And then:

They make us all (sic) less secure, less prosperous (sic) and less free. So there are few causes worthier (sic) of international (sic) co-operation (sic).

Us all? It always worries me when white, comfortably-off male politicians from influential nation-states say this. Surely it’s for others to say?

Less prosperous? At first I was tempted to ask myself whether this was an unfortunate Freudian slip from someone in Kerry’s speech-writing team; but on balance, I think it’s just a bad choice of words. Still, it does seem somewhat ugly to be talking about prosperity, (which presumably includes material prosperity), in a context like this.

Few causes? What kind of vulgar-Benthamite calculus is in play here? So there aren’t that many, but perhaps this one can be put in near the top somewhere, maybe?

International? You mean like the so-called “International Community,” or “IntCom?”

(By the way, using the term IntCom doesn’t mean you agree with everything written by Chomsky, the person who apparently coined the term in question. That should go without saying, but I think one can afford to take very little for granted here).

Co-operation? Nice idea, in general. When are you people (from both parties) going to finally get around to that one then?

Still, we must proceed.

Charge One: Abstraction

Kerry’s text, albeit unintentionally, has a trivializing effect towards rape as an infringement of individual liberty. His essay backgrounds the individual character of rape, implicitly denying the (again) individual and contextual character of each crime. So it is as though there were only “Rape in General;” the latter phrase is not found in the essay, but appears to be implicit in essay’s framing of rape.

Or at least, on a marginally more charitable reading, there are rapes against individuals, yes; but these are somehow, in some vague and indeterminate manner, subordinate to the abstract, falsely universal, implicit notion of “Rape in General.”

But how? Well, as you can see from the quote above, the essay subordinates and subsumes every individual’s experience into a certain notoriously vague, fluffy, and emotive abstraction; “our collective humanity,” which like so many other cheap rhetorical terms, is easily interchangeable with largely synonymous words.

So what other terms are implied here? While Kerry’s piece does not use the phrase, it appears that the “person” harmed in rape is none other than:

“Our Common Humanity.”

(Or ComHum, as I tend to call it).

It is as thought the text were irritably murmuring under its breath:

“Crimes against mere paltry, meagre, isolated individuals are bad enough… but crimes against ‘Humanity’ are absolutely intolerable!”

This collectivist tactic (or if you prefer a less loaded and more high-faluting term, this holistic tactic), risks distracting the more unwary reader from the only thing that counts; individual suffering. The article plays down and de-emphasises the horror of rape, by combining an apparently gestural acknowledgment of the pernicious character of this crime, with a backgrounding of the very depravity of such an abhorrent Crime Against Individuals.

Hence, unbeknownst to Kerry, the essay risks assisting the Global Justice Liberation Front in enlisting, in a most disreputable manner, those “allies” or “assistants” who might otherwise find the topic of rape too upsetting or disturbing to talk about in more blunt or crude terms…

Even though it is hard to see how such euphemistic rhetoric can be appropriately associable with a crime so raw, vicious, and ultimately barbaric.

Hence, despite the best efforts of the writers and speaker to focus on the real issue, the text risks achieving little more than inadvertently shoring up the credentials of Kerry and his party (and of the broader US or even Western political establishment)…

Presenting once again the credentials of a certain limited number of individuals as “lovers of Humanity.”

This piece will be continued tomorrow. It’s an important topic around which a lot of cant and false piety tends to circulate, so it may be worth reading further.


Posted in Politics, Serious Commentary0 Comments

Republicans Start Hauling Out and Dusting Off Their Borg-like Candidates.

Republicans Start Hauling Out and Dusting Off Their Borg-like Candidates.

The 2016 Presidential Election is starting out with snail like excitement and colorful shades of gray-toned vibrancy.

The Republican Party is beginning to wheel out their musty Presidential hopefuls for the public to gawk at. What is not let out into the community eye is that each and every one of them is a surgically altered Borg. Continue Reading


Posted in Politics5 Comments

Better parenting through polling

Better parenting through polling

When it comes to parenting, I don’t always make the best decisions. I’m not always sure what the right thing to do is in a difficult situation.

Like the time our elder daughter begged and pleaded with me to let her drive the car to the mall. It was a sunny day. Traffic was light. And she had behaved extremely well all week long. So against my better judgment, I said okay. Two minutes later, she smashed the car into a stop sign barely 100 yards from our driveway. A part of me can’t help but wonder whether in retrospect I made a mistake giving in to the incessant pleadings of an eight-year-old to drive my minivan.

Sometimes my wife questions my ability to make the right call. Heck, she rarely listens to any of my opinions unless at least four complete strangers tell her the exact same thing – which got me to thinking: maybe the way for me to make better parenting decisions is to poll the opinions of total strangers.

In the most recent presidential election, the polls were incredibly accurate forecasters of people’s voting preferences. Nate Silver’s 538 blog accurately predicted the Electoral College winner in all fifty states. Politicians use polls all the time to help them decide how to vote. Should we legalize gay marriage? Poll your constituents. Should we cut defense spending? Do a poll. Should we ban hurricanes during the last week of a presidential campaign? (97% of Republicans resoundingly voted yes.)

I figure, maybe I can learn a thing or two from those politicians. That’s why I’ve decided to stop listening to my inner voice when confronted by a difficult parenting issue. Now I make all my important parenting decisions by means of polling. I have benefitted from the collective wisdom of a much broader community in many matters:

Poll Question #1: What punishment is appropriate for our elder daughter, who missed curfew for the third time in two weeks, giving the lame excuse that she missed the last bus from the library and had to walk the six miles home? According to my poll of 328 Boston Red Sox season ticket holders:

• 59% said that I should give her some slack since, after all, she was studying at the library.
• 24% said I should talk with her and ask her what she thinks the consequences should be.
• 9% said she’s had plenty of warnings and I should ground her until spring training.
• 8% said I should put in a pinch hitter and attempt a bunt to move the runner on second over to third.

parenting by polling - childrenPoll Question #2: The last time our younger daughter cleaned up her room, Michele Bachmann was leading in the Republican race for president. Her room now looks like a home in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. What should I do? I polled 147 Guatemalan goat herders and here’s how they weighed in on the matter:

• 37% said that unless it presents a safety issue, I should just let it go. Pick my battles.
• 29% said a sloppy room is a sign of disrespect for the head of the household. She should be punished by having to sleep outside with the goats in their pen for 20 nights.
• 34% said “What is a Michele Bachmann?”
• 100% said, “Your daughter has her own room?”

Poll Question #3: Our two teenage daughters squabble all the time. Lately their arguments have escalated into nasty name-calling with curse words and profanity. What should I do about this the next time they start after each other? I polled 275 Amish families in Lancaster, PA, and here is how they responded:

• 39% said that this is typical teenage behavior and I should not intervene. Let them sort it out.
• 28% said take away all their consumer electronic devices for a week. The Amish have lived without cell phones for years; the girls can survive without theirs for a week.
• 18% said that the girls’ use of curse words is an affront to God. Teach them a lesson in cooperation by making them build a barn together – no power tools allowed.
• 15% said when they’re done building the barn, they can start working on the grain silo. It’s in serious need of repairs. And while they’re at it, it wouldn’t kill them to repaint the school.

But after they voted, they discussed the issue further. And to my surprise, they all changed their minds – and unanimously voted for shunning.

parenting by polling - Bolivian womenUsing this polling system has dramatically reduced my stress level. I can’t actually say it’s helped me arrive at any better parenting decisions, but at least now I can point the blame somewhere else. Next time my wife gets on my case about a bad parenting decision and screeches, “Who in the world thought it was a good idea to let our daughter have a pet llama?” My response is simple: “A focus group of Peruvian llama ranchers, honey.”

In a few cases, however, the feedback has been perplexing. I polled a group of Tea Party activists about how to discuss the dangers of drinking and driving with my college-age daughter. 87% of respondents said the critical thing I need to do is to lower taxes, repeal Obamacare, and get the federal government out of my life. I’m not really sure what this has to do with the dangers of drinking and driving. Maybe if I dress up as George Washington it will make more sense to me.

My wife is not on board yet with my new parenting approach. She is old-fashioned. Amusingly, she still thinks the best approach is to stay calm, be clear in our expectations and apply logical consequences for our children’s poor choices. Sounds like way too much work, if you ask me.

Frankly, I’m not so sure my wife’s outdated parenting methodology works any better than my new system. So I polled 195 soccer dads about which approach they feel is more effective, mine or hers. They were divided on the question. But there was an overwhelming consensus on a related issue: They all agreed the coach does not give their kid nearly enough playing time.


Posted in Kidz Zone, Opinon/Editorial, Top Stories0 Comments

Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (2/2) (NSFW)

Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (2/2) (NSFW)

Unlike Khomeini-ite Fiqh, TULIP-flavor Calvinism, and other scientific and empirically rigorous political discourses, “nice guy” and “friendzoning” are ideological aberrations that are completely detached from reality.

Still, that didn’t stop Khameini giving it to us one last time:

I mean, there are so many jumpy, rowdy, jerk-off pricks who treat other guys really, really, REALLY badly! And Putin doesn’t mind THEM!

Continue Reading


Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (1/2) (NSFW)

Khameini Frustrated: Putin Still Friendzoning Ayatollah (1/2) (NSFW)

Some would say that The Enemies Of Our Glorious Nation™ are quarrelsome folk.

(Or if not “enemies of America,” at least the enemies of the non-satire news media and of The International Beltway Community).

Still, there is such a thing as honor among thieves; or if not honor among thieves, at least honor among “Recalcitrationists Of The Universal Interest.” Continue Reading


Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Lincoln Monuments Attacked When Americans Realize He Created Income Tax

Lincoln Monuments Attacked When Americans Realize He Created Income Tax

Upon reading an article in a national newspaper stating that Abraham Lincoln was the one responsible for starting federal income tax, angered Americans across the country began a hate campaign against all memorabilia of the formerly beloved President.

Mobs in Washington D.C. went after the Lincoln Memorial with sledge hammers and axes this morning rendering the huge statue legless after a couple hours. Continue Reading


Posted in Politics2 Comments

LibDems Exclusive Leak: Who’s Next When Cleggy Leaves the Building? (2/2)

LibDems Exclusive Leak: Who’s Next When Cleggy Leaves the Building? (2/2)

Nick Clegg might not have won the election yet, but he still has the chance to be the next Anthony Eden…

Or at least David Cameron, at a push.

William Hague: UK. Former Minister for War and Radical Humanitarian Performance Theatre

Unbelievably charismatic/genial/witty.

…Compared to Ed Miliband/ Gordon Brown/Enda Kenny.

Still, somewhat more crucially: WILLIAM FRICKIN’ HAGUE.

End of!!!

Pope Benedict XVI: Vatican City. The Pope that Pope Francis Always Wanted to be, But Figured it Wasn’t Worth it

FFS! We’re not a freaking theocracy… right?

(Admittedly, being a shitty humanitarian-interventionist comprador-statelet of IntCom ain’t much of an improvement).

…ARGH! Pwnk’d again.

Julian™!… Warned you last time, in the Miliband article…

Yes, you’ll get the fish finger I promised you… later, when the article’s finished. Be a good boy, stay in the attic like TM told you. You know what happened the last time, don’t you?

Guido Fawkes: UK. Reincarnation Of 17th century Notable Catholic Terrorist “Celebrity Militant” Of Relatively Committed Form of Hyper-Catholicist Fundamentalism; Despicable Terrorizer of Our Glorious Leader Cameron & Sundry Inmates of The Golden Pigsty.

Amusing source of endless anecdotes on UK political class.

A couple may be true…

The rest are so bang-on-target, we might as well call ‘em true for the hell of it, as the real truth is probably far worse…

Guido shuffling into a meagre IntCom politico-military base just a stone’s throw away several yards from Trafalgar Square makes about as much sense as Aung San Suu Kyi joining the Myanmarese government.

Well, actually, the latter makes quite a lot of sense.

…For any Circle-Jerking-Coffee-Room-Humanitarian-Liberation-Warrior™ with more beer-money than completed essays.

Sir Humphrey Appleby

Let’s face it, he’s more successful than any Lib Dem figure in history. If anyone can save this party, it’s a jumped-up, pompous, long-winded fictional character from a 1980s sitcom which is currently limited to DVD, online pirate posting on Youtube, or occasional television repeats.

Aye; the non-existent comic archetype in question would undoubtedly make the… the whatever-they’re-called, more successful by far than at any point in history.

I mean, by the end of the election, the Lib Dems might be even more recognizable to UK school children than Guy de Maupassant, Giuseppe Garibaldi, Gilgamesh, or Mozi.

But if even Sir Humphrey can’t do that… well, who cares? The Liberal Democrats are the least of my worries.

Disclaimer: I thought I should name a few actual Lib Dems to put in this confidential and entirely non-fabricated leaked transcript, but then I realized I wasn’t able to name any.

Still, at least no one’s criticizing you personally, huh? ;)

Oh by the way: by now, I’ve done Labour, Tories, and Liberal Democrats. I could have done one for Naughty Nigel and the Kippers…

But in case you haven’t already noticed, the problem is that the “notable public figure” Naughty Nigel actually IS the Kippers. How many UKIP candidates can you actually name?


Posted in Politics0 Comments

Welcome to

Welcome to

Exciting news from, the world’s largest online match-making service. Since our launch in 1995, our goal has been to help men and women find their perfect someone. To date we have found matches for several million people – and successful matches for over 50 of them.

But why should humans be the only ones supported in finding their soulmates? That’s why we are proud to announce our newest service:, the first online matchmaking service for cats. No longer will your favorite feline need to prowl the alley for a suitable mate. Check out some of our hottest kitties and subscribe your cat today. Who knows? Perhaps the kitten she’ll be smitten by is just a mouse click away.

Catmatch - DustyDusty7045 – 11-year old female, Portland, OR
Seeking male kitty for spooning on couch and cleaning fur


Relationship: Single – one owner.
Body type: Furry, light shedder – mostly on my master’s pillow.
Have kids? Yes, four, but they all disappeared at 8 weeks and I have no idea where they went.
Litter box trained? Absolutely! (But sometimes I forget when I’m tired.)
Favorite hobbies: Chasing red laser pointers, licking myself in my privates.
Favorite food: Ants, dust, rubber bands – pretty much anything I find on the kitchen floor. Oh, and my own vomit. But no one else’s – that would be gross!

More about me: If you like curling up on the bed for 18 – 20 hours a day, I may be just your girl. But don’t ask me to go outside. It looks terrifying out there.

Catmatch - GizmoGizmo2996 – 8-year old male, El Paso, TX
Seeking submissive female who won’t bug me


Relationship: Single – one owner but I just ignore him.
Body type: Rock hard abs. If you don’t believe me, just test me.
Have kids? Probably. Who knows? Who cares? Once the dirty deed is done, it’s not my problem, you know what I’m sayin’?
Litter box trained? Nope. Nobody tells me where I can and can’t take a piss. I make my own rules, honey.
Favorite hobbies: Beating the crap out of any neighborhood cat that dares to step foot on my yard.
Favorite food: Steak, pizza, pretty much anything I find on my owner’s dinner plate after he passes out in a drunken stupor. And the occasional mouse head.

More about me: Neutered? Do I look like I’m neutered? If you’re looking for a kitty to curl up next to you, I suggest you hit on Dusty up above. But if you’re willing to leave me alone and bring me a dead mouse now and then, I might let you hang out.

Catmatch - PrincessPrincessFuzzyFace984 – 6-year old female, Cherry Hill, NJ
Seeking male kitty willing to pamper me


Relationship: It’s complicated. Nobody dares call themselves my “owner”.
Body type: Just look at my fur coat. If you guessed Armani, you’re right.
Have kids? Are you kidding? With a body like mine, who has time for kids?
Litter box trained? I am shocked you even ask. Where are your manners?
Favorite hobbies: Being patted on my tummy, my chin, and behind my ears. Oh, and coughing up furballs after I preen.
Favorite food: Anything from the gourmet food aisle. Only fresh tuna or steak tartare pour moi.

More about me: I am used to the finer things in life. My own bed, my own chaise lounge for sunning on the deck. I wear a bejeweled collar. But I refuse to let anyone dress me up in a ladybug costume.

Catmatch - ZeusZeus6798 – 16-year old male, Sioux Falls, SD
Seeking a remote control and a beer


Relationship: Single – one owner but we have an agreement – you don’t bother me; I won’t bother you.
Body type: Not really sure since I can’t see past my belly. Does that make me fat? Yeah, I’m guessin’ I’m fat. Big deal.
Have kids? Probably somewhere. But that was a long time ago. And I don’t have opposable thumbs so it’s not like I can write them to ask how they’re doing.
Litter box trained? If it’s placed within a foot of wherever I’m resting, then I’ll give it a shot. Otherwise, nah, not really.
Favorite hobbies: See the picture? I’m doing it. Pretty much a one-trick pony, I’m afraid.
Favorite food: Not really too picky, just so long as I don’t have to hunt for my meal. Look at this body – it hasn’t hunted since Friends was on the tube.

More about me: I’m not what you would call the adventurous type. Just put me in front of a large screen, turn on any channel, and I’m good. I really like that Fish Tank channel. Could watch that for days.

Catmatch - CupcakeCupcake1573 – 12-week old old female, Akron, OH
Seeking kitty in the mirror to be my playmate. He’s so funny.


Relationship: That’s a big, fancy word. What does it mean?
Body type: Adorable. At least that’s what my master tells me.
Have kids? Aren’t I too little to have kittens of my own?
Litter box trained? Not yet, but I’m working on it. My owner keeps spraying me in the face whenever I make a poopy in the living room.
Favorite hobbies: Chasing my tail, getting stuck in funny places like the bathroom sink, and falling asleep in adorably cute positions.
Favorite food: Buttons, gum, tape, shoelaces, dirt, or anything shiny.

More about me: I like to play and play all day long. I wonder what happens if I tip over that vase? Um, a little help please outta this waste basket. I think I’m stuck. Oops. I just spit up a plant. I wonder if I can get inside this shoe. Where did that kitty in the mirror go? zzzzzzzzzz

Some pretty exciting kitties looking for a special someone to nuzzle up next to. So what are you waiting for? Subscribe to today and find your PURR-fect match.

Coming in summer 2015: – Bovine Edition.


Posted in Entertainment, Human Interest, Top Stories1 Comment

LibDems Exclusive Leak: Who’s Next When Cleggy Leaves the Building? (1/2)

LibDems Exclusive Leak: Who’s Next When Cleggy Leaves the Building? (1/2)

Almost forgot the name of that there oul’ party until the objective BBC™ reminded me.

As them there boys on Radio Ulster say, “You boys get around, don’t ye?”

Not normally a compliment. Continue Reading


Posted in Politics0 Comments

The Ballad of “Old Hillary”

The Ballad of “Old Hillary”

THE BALLAD OF “OLD HILLARY” (sung to “The Battle of New Orleans”)

In twenty-fifteen we had a little slip
Along with Hillary Clinton on her presidential trip.
She wrote a little book but it didn’t sell so well
Then we fought the bloody Congress in a game of pick and tell.

(REFRAIN) We set our server so the emails could be chosen
There wasn’t nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We booted once more and they began deletin’
On down the “Reset Button” to the Libyan shore.

We looked at our server and we see’d the emails come
There must have been a thousand of ‘em waitin’ to be spun.
They spoke so loud that they’d make the headlines sing
So we fingered our delete key and didn’t say a thing.

(REFRAIN) We set our server so the emails could be chosen
There wasn’t nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We booted once more and they began deletin’
On down the “Reset Button” to the Libyan shore.

Old Hillary said we can take ‘em by surprise
If we delete my emails and fool them with our lies.
We held our breath til we see’d the emails go
Then we fixed our server so they would never show. Well,

(REFRAIN) We set our server so the emails could be chosen
There wasn’t nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We booted once more and they began deletin’
On down the “Reset Button” to the Libyan shore.

Oh, they ran through the shredder and our lawyers’ beady eyes
And they ran past the reporters who couldn’t see our lies.
They ran so fast that Congress couldn’t catch ‘em
On down the “Reset Button” to the Libyan shore.

We used our server til it couldn’t serve no more
Then we grabbed some scissors to finish our chore.
We cut those emails that had a tale to tell
‘Bout the story of Bengazi that didn’t go so well.

(REFRAIN) We set our server so the emails could be chosen
There wasn’t nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We booted once more and they began deletin’
On down the “Reset Button” to the Libyan shore.

Oh, they ran through the shredder and our lawyers’ beady eyes
And they ran past the reporters who couldn’t see our lies.
They ran so fast that Congress couldn’t catch ‘em
On down the “Reset Button” to the Libyan shore!


Posted in Politics2 Comments

What Would Allah Do?

What Would Allah Do?

If the Shi’ites were fighting the Sunni’s what would Allah want?

He say for them to lay down their arms and realize that they are brothers of the same faith.

If a Moslem country’s leaders were demonizing other countries to make them look bad, what would Allah do?

He would say ”My children, look to your own lives and the ways to improve it. Do not cast your sight abroad to look for the sins your own soul reflects.” Continue Reading


Posted in Religionism, Serious Commentary0 Comments

Blair Warns Germany: Stop Apologizing for Mass Atrocities (2/2)

Blair Warns Germany: Stop Apologizing for Mass Atrocities (2/2)

No, look, look, let’s cut to the chase. This is a textbook example of deliberate smear tactics, a cynical, malicious, orchestrated campaign of personal vilification against some admittedly somewhat fallible individuals…

Who somehow, God forbid, DARED to presume to lack the all-seeing, pristinely perfect, absolutely comprehensive omniscience that their critics so unjustly demand of them…

And which their critics no doubt cynically attribute to themselves alone.

Well, if you dare to arrogantly and maliciously single out the Germans like that, all I can say is: God help the rest of us mere mortals!

Well? What do you think?

Is there ANYONE ON EARTH who could even come close to these hideously high standards, these highfaluting moral and epistemological criteria, to which the Germans have been so unfairly and arbitrarily subjected?

Well, if that’s how it’s to be, how many of us will be left standing on that great and grand day of judgment, when the innocent sheep of good character and goodwill shall be vindicated and receive their eternal reward…

While the vicious goats who abused their power and tyrannized over others without mercy will themselves receive no mercy, and will be finally cast into eternal perdition?

No, believe me, this is not rhetoric. (Well, it never is, is it?)

No, let me tell you now! This is deadly serious, and if anyone takes these matters lightly, they’ll one day discover, to their cost, that it’s all too late…

And that they have wasted their life, spilled their talents on the ground, the same ground which cries unto high Heaven for justice against the oppressor…

As they drown and choke in the blood of the innocent, fearfully screaming to themselves, but all too late, that they’ve wasted every last opportunity they had once been offered to do good for others, so that they could save themselves from everlasting punishment…

Having chosen instead the path of harming others; by inflicting evil and oppression on their fellow human beings, they also have lost everything they ever had, and would nevermore know so much as a single moment’s peace…

No, it’s all too late; not one of their victims will so much as dip their finger in a drop of water, to cool the the blazing tongue of their oppressor.

No, we should all be quite clear: when that day finally arrives, it will be too late for tears…

And anyone who begs and pleads for just one last, final chance to make amends and atone for their crimes will find the doors of Heaven shut forever.

And you know what? It’ll be nothing less that they deserve.

Yes: “Judge not, and you will not be judged,” that’s what I say. Jesus actually said that. He’s a very wise man who admires me very much (or… never mind)…

And he actually agrees with me on quite a lot of things, believe you me; and that’s one of them. We have rather a lot in common, you know.

Well, except perhaps that Jesus was rather absolutist and dogmatic at times, not always understanding the importance of seizing the moment and dynamically re-configuring his strategic ethical objectives and methods…

Which is something I daresay I’m rather better at.

But I don’t want to boast. No one’s ever accused me of being arrogant, and I certainly don’t want to start now.

Well, I mean, I’ve got away with just the odd pomo-ironically detached smattering of self-congratulation fairly well so far, don’t you think? ;)

Never mind. No, forgive me, I’m telling you now, it’s simply INTOLERABLE that individuals of perfectly good character and intentions have been ridiculed, smeared, mocked, criticized, treated like the scum of the earth…

Just for making one little mistake that, let’s be honest, anyone in this world could easily have made.

I mean, to err is but human, to forgive divine. Just don’t be resentful, and stop taking a one-sided, dogmatic, and prejudiced view of the issue!

Still, I must confess I myself do have an issue or two with a few aspects of what the Germans did; but we just have to put these things into perspective, don’t we! :D

Yes, I mean, seriously, it’s like, you know: can any one of you state with 100% infallible certainty that you would never have made such a perfectly human and excusable error?


No, no, please, let me insist on just this point, just this this once. The people who make light of the terrible sufferings of the Holocaust and World War II by their opportunistic criticisms; THEY are the REAL criminals.

Yes, indeed. You know, we all know, it’s bad enough to kill and torture countless innocent people. I wouldn’t want to make light of that at all, believe you me.

Then again…

No, I mean, let’s face it, to then round upon the people who, you claim, are somehow, in way or another, you know, just flat-out GUILTY of these deaths, in some radically indeterminate and conveniently unqualified manner…

Well, that just really takes the biscuit! It’s simply despicable, and shows an utter lack of common human decency and self-restraint.

Well, yes… no, if you’d the slightest idea what a pretentious, cynical, insincere charlatan you sound like, let me tell you, you would never open your mouth again.

No, you will try to maliciously twist what I’m saying for the sake of some petty political capital, like you did with my Iraq dossier, but you will not succeed.

No, believe me, I’m used to it. Lots of people criticize me, but d’you know why?

Well yes, at the end of the day, there is only one reason that I’m ever criticized. Any ideas?

Yes, you’re right. Opportunism. Just sheer, cynical, unadulterated, Machiavellian opportunism. That’s the ONLY REASON I have EVER been criticized in this world. :(

And I tell you what; you know what?

Well, the people of Britain; they’ve just had enough.

You never spoke a truer word, Tony.

Oh wait, that sounds a bit odd, doesn’t it!


Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Blair Warns Germany: Stop Apologizing for Mass Atrocities (1/2)

Blair Warns Germany: Stop Apologizing for Mass Atrocities (1/2)

Tony Blair has recently made some perfectly reasonable and convincing revisionist comments on the mass atrocities committed in Germany in the 1930s and 1940s.

Well, when I say “perfectly reasonable and convincing,” that’s a bit of a stretch, but I’m not supposed to be reporting these comments…

So I’m actually doing you guys a favor! Continue Reading


Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Obama/Bush’s 1000-fold Expansion of “International Community” Statelets (2/2)

Obama/Bush’s 1000-fold Expansion of “International Community” Statelets (2/2)

Earlier, President Obama introduced his plan to expand the International Community.

He briefly and compassionately considered Palestine, Vatican City, the future Greater Israel, China, Japan, Russia, EU, India…

But none of them meet the high standards of the Global Village Patriarchs. Continue Reading


Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Page 1 of 11012345...102030...Last »
Glossy News Fake Commercials!

Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL Videos) --

More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?

Visit the “Old Version” of our Site

Still want more? Find thousands of buried satirical gems in our archives on the old version of Glossy News!

Check This Out!

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

9 posts
5 posts
2 posts
2 posts
1 post

All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial