Recently, the entire International Community™ met together in a miniscule Beltway Café in Washington.
Obviously, this vast group agreed unanimously and without exception concerning all the Matters of Grave Common Concern™ that are of importance to Our Common Humanity..™
And, needless to say, they conclusively resolved all of the pressing issues that are of crucial importance to sustaining our current and eternal Flourishing, Democratic Global Order of Mutual Prosperity™.
Still, the café owner was initially wary of this most inestimable privilege.
“I mean, I was thinking to myself, 6 to 7 billion people is a tough call. We get kind of busy sometimes, but my place only seats about 20 people.
“Still, when I found out that the international community only has about a dozen members, I found that we could easily accommodate them; hell, we could probably fit in the various International Communities of an entire solar system, at a push!”
One top Rep Hawk told me:
“It’s great that we have only 13 people here; and we’re pretty democratic and egalitarian about it… you know, within reason. I mean: 6 reps who love America, 6 dems who kinda don’t hate America THAT much, and a token Brit from one of those pissy Euroweenie countries that keep bothering us, whatever that place is called.”
A top Dem Hawk interjected:
“Hey, you’re wrong, that 13th guy, whatever-his-name is, he’s actually ok! We have a special relationship with him, and he does everything we tell him to do, without the slightest murmur of complaint. I mean, when we met in the café, we just doped him up on a BYOB of champagne, and he just sat there and grinned at us the whole time, without saying a a word.”
I asked if just 13 was a bit exclusive.
His most exalted Demnibleness replied:
“Not really; I mean there were a few Chinese guys and motley Orientals and other foreigners who kept hollering and trying to break down the door. Uncultured savages. I mean, any TRUE left-wing person wouldn’t behave like those hooligans, right?”
And his most exalted Reptasticness told me:
“You think that was a problem? Remember when those goddamn dirty Arabs tried to join us? Oh God, and their smell! Seriously! And now you have all those filthy pinko liberals and pinko libertarians (what’s the difference, anyways?!) who want us to let these kind of people join our club?
“I mean, these idiots are literally worse than Hitler and Nancy Pelosi combined!”
Meanwhile, rumors persist that Somewhere Down There South of the Border™, a new complex of tequila places and internationally themed restaurants and cafes is being built, which will be able to accommodate a large number of people from almost 200 countries.
Worse still, the presumptuous provision of various communicative devices, media centers, and grass-roots research teams with compulsory investigation sabbaticals, will enable representatives to keep in touch with their own citizens; so that they don’t end up presumptuously speaking for everyone in their own country.
According to a highly disturbing rumor, the people behind this despicable and dastardly scheme wish to set up a rival International Community; one that (scandalously and unforgivably) will not be made up purely of a few top Rep and Dem hawks.
When I mentioned this, the entire International Community roared in unison:
“It’ll never work!”
One told me, trembling with trepidation, terror, and a slight overdose of crystal meth:
“I mean, let’s not be dogmatic about this. Like, at a push, maybe we can let in another one or two token Euroweenies. But the problem is, these guys are supposed to be our friends; and friends always respect each other and help each other and act in a cooperative manner.”
Another added, hurling down his needle in despair and fury:
“Yeah, but OBVIOUSLY, the problem with these socialist Euroweenie bastards is that they just don’t get that side of it. They just NEVER do what we say. What kind of friendship is that? I mean, if they don’t keep their side of the bargain, why should we? Free contract, my ass!”
I wanted to ask number 13 what he thought about this, but I think by this stage, he had passed out from an excess of champagne and (naturally) from an excess of tokenistic “appreciation” and “respect” from the entire International Community.
Then again, as the saying goes: “If the whole world hates you, think again. And if the whole world loves you, think again.”