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Hide your pets! Obama has plans for them!

Hide your pets! Obama has plans for them!

Announcer: With everyone discussing ObamaCare, Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of Yucky World, will be interviewing the President about his latest health care plan.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. President.

Obama: Thank you, Janey.

Dick: So what are you planning on getting wrong this time, Mr. President?

Janey: Dick, please! Show a little respect!

Obama: That’s okay. I’m used to hearing stuff like that from the troglodytes at Fox News, but even Dick might like my latest idea.

Dick: Really!

Obama: It’s called the Adorable PetCare Act. By executive order, I’m going to provide health care for all our nation’s pets.

Dick: Does that include moose?

Obama: You have a moose for a pet?

Dick: Not yet…but I’m thinking about it. I’m a big Bullwinkle fan.

Janey: Sure, Dick. Have you learned anything from your ObamaCare mistakes?

Obama: Definitely! This time I’m not making promises I can’t keep. When I announce the plan later this week, I will say, “If you like your pet, you can keep your pet. Asterisk.”

Dick: Asterisk! What’s that for?

Obama: It covers any future changes I may have to make in the plan.

Dick: You know, the Constitution’s only been amended 27 times in over 200 years, but you’ve already made over 30 changes in ObamaCare.

Obama: I’m surprised you can count that high, Dick.

Janey: He had some trouble when he ran out of toes.

Dick: You said that people who help folks to sign up for ObamaCare do “God’s work”. What about those who lost their health care?

Obama: I blame those insurance devils!

Dick: You sure it wasn’t Bush’s fault?

Obama: Not this time. The devil was in the details. We’re thinking about an exorcism.

Dick: Ooh-kay. Isn’t the PetCare Act just another example of you using your pencil and phone to go around Congress?

Janey: Dick, he actually said pen.

Obama: Strangely enough, Dick’s more right than wrong. I’m asking Congress to write all future laws in pencil so that way it’ll be easier for me to change them.

Dick: Thank God the Constitution was written in ink!

Obama: That’s where the phone comes in handy. I used it to order a case of Whiteout.

Janey: Have you made any other important calls?

Obama: I did phone Senator Reid.

Janey: And?

Obama: The Senator is upset with the IRS. Apparently he still hasn’t received his 10% reward for turning in Gov. Romney in 2012 for not paying taxes for the previous 10 years.

Dick: I guess Dirty Harry made an offer that the IRS could refuse.

Obama: I told the Senator I’d look into it, but, as I’ve said before, there’s not a smidgen of corruption at the IRS.

Dick: Tell that to the pro-marriage group that had its donors’ list leaked by the IRS.

Obama: Even if that’s true, it’s probably just an iota which is a lot less than a smidgen.

Dick: Weasel words!

Obama: Yeah, well, I hate to tell you this, Dick, but weasels aren’t covered under the PetCare Act!

Janey: Can you tell us some of its other provisions?

Dick: Yeah! Like will there be free contraceptives for our pets?

Obama: We’re thinking more like mandatory neutering.

Dick: But if you neuter all our pets, eventually there won’t be any left.

Obama: Exactly!

Dick: There goes Bullwinkle, Jr.

Obama: This provision will also decrease income inequality!

Janey: Huh?

Obama: Since poor people spend a greater percentage of their income on their pets than the rich do, eliminating pets will reduce the gap between the rich and the poor.

Janey: What are you planning on doing once you leave the White House?

Obama: Actually, I’m thinking about running for a third term.

Dick: But…but the Constitution limits you to just two.

Obama: Only until my case of Whiteout is delivered.

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Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Politics0 Comments

Harry Reid Takes on Bundy Family, Al says “Let’s Rock”

Harry Reid Takes on Bundy Family, Al says “Let’s Rock”

(Nevada) – Senate Majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) has doubled down on his name calling by referring to the Bundy family as ‘domestic terrorists’ after the Bundy home became a lightning rod for controversy involving unpaid taxes.

The situation began after patriarch Al Bundy refused to pay taxes on Big ‘Uns magazines as well as Bon-Bons and hair care products for wife Peggy.

“Those things are basic essentials, like food and water,” proclaimed Al. “You can’t tax hooters! It’s un-American!”
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Posted in Politics, Television1 Comment

Privileged Teenager Survives Harrowing Plane Trip in Coach

Privileged Teenager Survives Harrowing Plane Trip in Coach

A 16-year-old trust fund brat survived a frightening journey halfway across the Pacific Ocean on Sunday after climbing into the coach section of a Hawaiian Airlines jet flying from San Jose to Maui. The boy emerged unharmed despite uncomfortable temperatures, coffin like cramping, a lack of oxygen, inedible meals and crying babies an FBI official said.

“How he survived I don’t know,” said Tom Simon, an FBI spokesman based in Honolulu. “It’s a miracle.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Society, Top Stories, Travel1 Comment

Obama Delays Holidays Until After Election

Obama Delays Holidays Until After Election

(Washington, D.C.) – On Friday, President Obama pushed back making a decision on the long debated Keystone XL Pipeline until after the upcoming 2014 midterm elections.

Worried about upsetting his core constituencies, Mr. Obama decided that while he had his pen and phone out he would make a few other executive decisions as well.

Since it was too late to do anything about Easter, the President decided to push the observances of Memorial Day, the Fourth of July, and Labor Day back to the middle of November and after the election. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics0 Comments

MSNBC Host Enters Rehab for ‘Tingles’ and Slobbering Affection for President

MSNBC Host Enters Rehab for ‘Tingles’ and Slobbering Affection for President

(Palm Springs, CA) – After nearly six years of denial, MSNBC talk show host Chris Matthews, has finally checked himself into rehab due to the “tingles” he experiences whenever he sees, hears or meets President Barack Obama.

Matthews has been afflicted with the condition, an extremely rare condition involving a sensation he feels up his leg at the mere mention of the President, and traditional western medicine has been unable to come up with a suitable treatment plan or cure for the disorder. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics0 Comments

Koch Bros. Top $100 Billion, Dead Pharaohs Impressed

Koch Bros. Top $100 Billion, Dead Pharaohs Impressed

Charles and David Koch, best known for the purest grades of frack-water you drink and the mercury you breathe, have reportedly topped the $100 billion mark in net worth. Let’s break down how much money that really is.

Clearly it’s a lot, but more than that, it’s a nearly unfathomable amount. So absurd is this load of cash that I’ll post my math at the end so you can verify for yourself that this is really real. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics2 Comments

Aretha Franklin Chills Satireverse

Aretha Franklin Chills Satireverse

Damn. Those are some big mammies. We’re talking motor yacht and a snorkel.

[SOURCE 1] and [SOURCE 2].

Some people just can’t take a joke…

I don’t get this one. If anyone should feel slighted it’s LaBelle, who the article states was arrested. Franklin is going to have a tough time proving damages. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Music, Top Stories1 Comment

Shock Saudi Royal Wedding ‘She’s Definitely In My Top 5′ Says Prince

Shock Saudi Royal Wedding ‘She’s Definitely In My Top 5′ Says Prince

Crown Prince Abdul Rahman Al-Saud of Saudi Arabia whose family have not only ruled the desert kingdom for over 80 years but also give the country the first part of its name, is to marry an American Jewish pork butcher he met online at dating site e-harmony. Continue Reading

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Posted in World News0 Comments

Kim Jong-un Diagnosed w/ Breast Cancer; Citizens Forced to Cry or be Shot

Kim Jong-un Diagnosed w/ Breast Cancer; Citizens Forced to Cry or be Shot

It was early spring of 2014 when the savior of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, was enjoying his three course meal in complete tranquility, an annual source of food considered by his people.

To everyone’s surprise, later that day, it was established that their royalty and highness had been diagnosed with severe breast cancer.

Military leaders proposed for him to consider launching a nuclear warning, something to frighten enemy countries, but not really do anything else because they were “so messed up economically and ideologically”. All military leaders that agreed with the statement were later executed for treason. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

Pistorius’ Defence ‘A Shot in the Dark’

Pistorius’ Defence ‘A Shot in the Dark’

A leaked document has been revealed to the press outlining Oscar Pistorius’ proposed defence arguments in his ongoing murder trial.

The legal brief describes the three main planks to his defence designed to undermine the prosecutors case.Firstly he is to claim that he ‘just really really really needed the toilet’ and to refer to expert testimony from his five doctors that being denied the ability to urinate can lead to temporary insanity otherwise referred to as ‘yellow streak psychosis’. Continue Reading

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Posted in Crime, World News0 Comments

Malaysian Flight MH370 Survivors ‘Confirmed’

Malaysian Flight MH370 Survivors ‘Confirmed’

Kimi Ono, head of the MH370 survivors group, held a press conference today, to deny claims from the Malaysian investigation authorities that all those aboard the doomed plane were ‘obviously now dead’.

Mrs Ono began ‘I know my husband is still alive, I’ve known him for 35 years and never once have I seen him dead, not even for a minute’. Continue Reading

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Posted in World News0 Comments

Malaysian Airliner Wins Gold in 2014′s Hide and Seek Olympic Tournament

Malaysian Airliner Wins Gold in 2014′s Hide and Seek Olympic Tournament

Malaysian Airliner MH370 staff and passengers were officially declared 2014’s Hide and Seek gold champions by the International Olympics Committee this week leaving millions pissed that the team did not attempt to break the world record set by Osama Bin Laden back in 2001.

When questioned about the world record, President of the IOC, Thomas Bach, replied, “Never in my life have I seen such dedication set by a group of people such as these Malaysian folks. I have to say that pulling this off for weeks on end without help and only four people dead is a real achievement, but it wasn’t enough for them to become true hall-of-famers.” Continue Reading

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Posted in World News0 Comments

International MH370 Search Efforts To Be Unified Under “Operation Wild Goose”

International MH370 Search Efforts To Be Unified Under “Operation Wild Goose”

Responding to criticism that search efforts for the ill fated Flight 370 have been unfocused, haphazard and confusing, United Nations Secretary-General Ban-ki-moon announced today that all future efforts will be directed by one authority under the title “Operation Wild Goose”. Continue Reading

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Posted in World News0 Comments

US To Send Bullshit Detector To Malaysia

US To Send Bullshit Detector To Malaysia

In the latest effort to uncover the fate of MH370, the United States has announced it will send a state of the art Bullshit Detector to Malaysia.

“The BSD will be located adjacent to the Perdana Putra building, which houses the Office of the Prime Minister and, coincidentally, the headquarters of Malaysia Airlines,” stated a press release from the US Joint Chiefs of Staff.

“We believe the placement of this device will uncover the truth of what happened to the ill fated airliner and help bring closure to the friends and relatives of crew and passengers.”

The technical specifics and capabilities of the BSD are cloaked in secrecy, but knowledgeable sources said it includes a combination of high tech eavesdropping devices, high altitude drones, Internet and social networking hacking software and Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show”.

In related news the government of Malaysia revealed it detected low altitude radar pings that may have emanated from MH370 over Lake Tanganyika in Africa. Dozens of international airplanes and ships have broken off their search in the southern Indian Ocean and are now progressing at full speed to Tanzania.

photo credit: D.C.Atty via photopin cc

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Posted in Top Stories, World News1 Comment

Danish Zoo Defends Killing Of Employees

Danish Zoo Defends Killing Of Employees

A Danish zoo on Wednesday defended its decision to kill four employees citing age factors, the risk of inbreeding and the arrival of a new, younger male hire.

This week’s executions have put the Copenhagen Zoo on the defensive again, a month after it infuriated animal rights activists by killing a healthy giraffe. Continue Reading

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Posted in World News2 Comments

France Finds Missing Flight 370

France Finds Missing Flight 370

After waiting more than ten days to jump into the search for Flight 370, France declared it has found the ill fated airliner off the coast of Italy.

“We were delayed due to union repairs on our sole high imaging satellite which experienced a malfunction several years ago.

“Luckily, when it became operational, it was positioned directly over the spot where the plane went down and we found it within minutes,” said French Foreign Minister Pepe Lepew.

The lone satellite image released by France shows MH370 lying on its side in shallow water just yards off the west coast of Italy near Isola del Giglio.

“We were surprised, it was larger than expected.” added Lepew.

Breadstix.

photo credit: StefoF via photopin cc

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Posted in Travel, World News4 Comments

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