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BREAKING NEWS: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump

BREAKING NEWS: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump

[Author’s Note: Tim Jones of the news website Glossy News, in an exclusive interview with Donald Trump, asked the presidential candidate to clarify his claim that President Obama was the “Founder of Isis.” Below is an excerpt from this revealing interview].

Trump interview - one on one - GNTim Jones / Glossy News: Mr. Trump, thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: Hey, you look familiar. Didn’t I throw you out of one of my rallies?

Glossy News: Um, I think you have me mistaken for someone else. Last week you said Obama was the Founder of Isis, and yet –

Trump: That’s right. Barack HUSSEIN Obama – Founder and Chairman of the Board. And Hillary Clinton is their Chief Operating Officer. These are two bad people, really bad. You have no idea how bad. Disgusting.

Glossy News: I see. So just how bad are they, Mr. Trump?

Trump: Well, for one thing, I just learned that Obama caused the crash of the Hindenburg.

Glossy News: THE Hindenburg? I’m sorry. Are you talking about the zeppelin that crashed over New Jersey? That Hindenburg??

Trump: Absolutely. Terrible tragedy.

Glossy News: You do realize the Hindenburg exploded in 1937. Obama wasn’t born until 1961. So, how could he possibly be responsible for that disaster?

Trump: I’m close personal friends with the guy who directed the documentary Back to the Future, about traveling through time. Doc Brown proved it’s possible if you have the right technology, like a DeLorean with a flux capacitor.

Glossy News: You know that was a fictional movie –

Trump: I also know people in the CIA who are experts in this time travel stuff. They’ve sent teams back in time to investigate all sorts of events. And they’re finding some amazing things, amazing things, believe me.

Glossy News: So you’re saying you sent a team of time traveling investigators back in time to dig up evidence proving Obama caused the Hindenburg crash –

Trump: Shocking, I know. Trust me. But I have unbelievable evidence. Just unbelievable. But it’s far from the worst thing Obama’s done. He also caused World War II. A terrible guy, this Obama.

Glossy News: Excuse me? You’re saying that President Obama is somehow to blame for The Second World War?

Trump: Well, to be more precise, he traveled back in time and caused the rise of Hitler, which in turn led to WW II.

Glossy News: Okay, I’ll bite. How exactly did Obama travel back in time to cause the rise of Hitler?

Trump and LincolnTrump: I can’t reveal that information until I after become president. But let’s just say some top NSA experts have uncovered a lot of really bad things about both Obama and Hillary. Really bad stuff.

Glossy News: Besides starting World War II?

Trump: Absolutely. He started the Black Plague.

Glossy News: Did you just say the Black Plague?

Trump: Yup. Nasty thing. Terrible. Millions of people died. Even a lot of really nice rich folks.

Glossy News: The Black Plague – from 1348? Obama started the infamous plague that wiped out almost 50% of Europe’s population during the Middle Ages?

Trump: Why else would they have called it the “Black” plague? Ever think of that?

Glossy News: No, can’t say that I have. So, how is this even possible?

Trump: Like I said, time travel.

Glossy News: Oh right. So you’re doubling down on that theory, eh?

Trump: Trust me. You would not believe the things our military’s Black Op’s folks have invented. They recruited Obama when he was in law school and sent him back in time with thousands of infected rats to release all over Europe.

Glossy News: Uh huh. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but let’s just suppose, for argument’s sake, Obama actually somehow teleported back in time six centuries loaded up with suitcases full of deadly rats. Why on earth would our military want him to wipe out Europe?

Trump: Because, like our government, Obama hates America.

Glossy News: That makes absolutely no sense at all. So why didn’t he wipe out America instead?

Trump: Because it was 1348. America hadn’t been built yet. Besides, in recent years Europe has said some really nasty things about America. But that’s not the only thing Obama and Hillary have done to destroy America. Remember the stock market crash of 1929?

Glossy News: Seriously? You’re going there now?

Trump: Well, technically, that was mainly Crooked Hillary’s fault. Obama was being cryogenically frozen at the time.

Glossy News: I see. And why is it that nobody knows about all these nefarious time travel missions?

Trump: Just ask anyone who attended last July’s Comic-Con convention – especially the Star Trek delegation. Check out my retweet of a guy who goes by @SpockRules432, who posted. “Hey, dudes. Time travel is real. I can prove Obama shot Lincoln.”

Glossy News: Okay, I have to stop you there, Mr. Trump. History proved conclusively that John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln. Or did you miss that tweet?

Trump: History’s wrong. Booth was framed. Obama did it. Booth was actually a great guy. A YUGE star in his day. He could bed any chick he wanted. Trust me.

Glossy News: Mr. Trump, do you even hear yourself? Obama went back in time and shot Lincoln?

Trump: But he had nothing whatsoever to do with the Garfield assassination.

Trump - DinosaursGlossy News: Because…?

Trump: Garfield was killed by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Glossy News: Of course, he was… because Arnold went back in time as the Terminator. Got it.

Trump: That’s what I read on BuzzFeed: 10 Political Assassinations That Will Shock You

Glossy News: Well, you sure make a compelling case against Obama and Hillary’s fitness to lead.

Trump: Oh, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Speaking of icebergs, I’ve got so much evidence linking Obama and Hillary to the sinking of the Titanic it will make your head spin.

Glossy News: You left out the Great Flood from the Bible. Were they behind that, too?

Trump: I’m not saying they caused the Great Flood. I’m not one to spread rumors. But I have to say, people are starting to talk. I’m just saying that history shows neither Hillary nor Obama are fit to lead this country.

Glossy News: Well, if anyone should know a thing or two about being unfit to be president, I’d say you’re the authority. Thank you for your time.

Trump: Any time. Would you like an “Obama shot Lincoln” hat?

Glossy News: No thanks. I’ll stick with my Red Sox cap.

Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Blair Giving His Chilcot Excuses: Must-Watch Leaked Video!

Blair Giving His Chilcot Excuses: Must-Watch Leaked Video!

As ‘We’ all know and agree, Tony Blair is a strong leader in a tight spot, who just did what he had to do!

But what are his top 30 rationalizations for the Iraq war?

And more pertinently still…

Can ‘We’ ever get him to just stop at 30?!

Enjoy this video of phony Tony floundering and squirming. (A little bit twitchy and hurriedly-flustered in tone, surprisingly enough!)

Still, he’ll be writhing and squeaking even more in the near future, when justice catches up with him!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_7PZlAHa8s

This is based on an earlier article: Continue Reading

Posted in Internets Tubes, World News0 Comments

Yorkshire Icepick Weekend: 6 Interesting Things I Learned from the Hyde Park Trots

Yorkshire Icepick Weekend: 6 Interesting Things I Learned from the Hyde Park Trots

Here are several hilarious scientific-socialite shitticisms I learned not so long ago from the Hyde Park Radical Hipster Kool-Aid Community of Yorkshire.

(By the way, before you ask, yes: they were all bitter, middle aged white boys with a massive, ice-pick-flavored vanilla-chip on their shoulder): Continue Reading

Posted in Entertainment, Opinon/Editorial, Politics0 Comments

Donald Trump will lose BIGLY in November (by the numbers) VIDEO

Donald Trump will lose BIGLY in November (by the numbers) VIDEO

The fans and haters demanded it, so here’s another fact-based analysis of why Donald Trump will lose, and lose BIGLY in November. (Scroll down for comments from YouTube.)

I’m not going on feelings or impressions, but the analytics provided by the myriad pollsters, the pollster analysts, and those analyzing the meta-analysis of the pollsters.

Donald Trump COULD still win, but the odds grow longer by the day. It ain’t pretty, if you’re him. Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, Video News0 Comments

Rfreed’s Novel 9/12/2001.

Rfreed’s Novel 9/12/2001.

This is a book review of Rfreed’s novel ‘9/12/2001.’ Full disclosure: Rfreed and I have both published prolifically here at Glossy News.

The novel has been serialized, whether as a whole or in part, at Glossy News AND Neocon Surveillance. Eventually, there will be two full serials of this interesting work.

***

Rfreed’s 9/12/2001, like so many speculative fiction and alternate history novels, can be boiled down to one clean and simple (if also staggeringly vast) question and thought experiment: Continue Reading

Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, War Zone0 Comments

The Peace Criminals Project is Going Great! But Will You Write for Us?

The Peace Criminals Project is Going Great! But Will You Write for Us?

The three Peace Criminals sites have been going well.

But we all have limited time.

Can you help by contributing some articles?

New ones are best of all, but some republications are certainly of use too.

We don’t claim any copyright over your work, so you can do whatever you like with it.

Neocon Surveillance

The flagship site: Continue Reading

Posted in Human Interest, War Zone0 Comments

“To be Finished Would be a Relief”: Solving the Mystery of Cameron’s Resignation Song

“To be Finished Would be a Relief”: Solving the Mystery of Cameron’s Resignation Song

The end of David Cameron’s tenure as Prime Minister was a hectic one to say the least. With the country practically imploding after Brexit, Cameron had to take the blame for the emerging crisis. But when Cameron started humming a tune after his resignation speech (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Gz6mZYxS0A) it made matters more amusing, but also sent the internet and media into a craze of wild guesses: what was Cameron humming?

Continue Reading

Posted in Music, Politics0 Comments

Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

The Trump University Promise

At Trump University success is what it’s all about. Trump U is about a lot of things – but above all, how you can be successful by helping me become even more successful by enrolling in Trump University. You can enroll in our Business Entrepreneur Success curriculum for slightly more than the amount you’ve accumulated in your retirement nest egg. Enrollment is now open for Fall 2016. Check out some of my incredible courses. You’re going to love it. I guarantee it. – Donald J. Trump Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, Top Stories1 Comment

How Nude Betting Helped Make Asia a Billion Dollar Gambling Hub

How Nude Betting Helped Make Asia a Billion Dollar Gambling Hub

A 2015 report on Forbes.com suggested that the eyes of the gambling world have shifted over the last decade. While hungry eyes used to look towards Las Vegas and its smorgasbord of gambling delights, today it seems that Asia is where many high rollers get their fill.

Of course, Las Vegas is by no means a lame duck. Indeed, back in 2015, the gambling hub in the middle of the Nevada desert welcomed 42,312,216 tourists, and casinos on the strip alone generated $6.3 billion in revenue. However, when you compare those numbers to Macau’s spreadsheet they look extremely tame.
Despite a recent dip in gambling activity, Macau’s network of casinos generated $28.9 billion in 2015, as high rollers from around the world flocked to iconic venues such as The Venetian Macao to play everything from slots to roulette.

The Asian Persuasion

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So what’s prompted this migration of gamblers to Asia? Naturally there are many reasons, but one of the most obvious is the growth of online gambling. Between operators and software developers, Asia has become a hub for online gambling and that, in turn, has increased the public’s interest in gambling as a whole.
Indeed, away from Macau you’ll find software development companies like Playtech and Novenix with bases in the Philippines. Beyond that, Japan is now home to industry operators such as 32Red. Despite Britain being the operator’s main base, a movement into Asia has resulted in the creation of the URL http://www.32red.com/jp/, which was specifically designed for Japanese players.
When you contrast 32Red’s Japanese platform with a European-facing site like Casino Euro, you’ll notice that the former not only has Japanese as its default language, but some of the games are different. Pai Gow Poker and baccarat, two hugely popular games in Asia, feature heavily on the site. In contrast, Casino Euro focuses much more on slots such as Rainbow Riches and Starburst.
Essentially, the growth of online gaming in Asia has prompted the rise in popularity of live gaming in Asia, but why are people now more inclined to gamble online? When it comes to reasons, everyone has their own, but we like to think out of the box which is why we’re convinced that underwear helped to build Asia’s billion dollar industry.

Why Online Betting is Best

So, before we leave you to ponder the gaming boom in Asia, here are some reasons why people now ante-up online:

You Can Play in Your Underwear

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Walk into any casino in Macau wearing nothing but your underwear and you’ll be hauled out by a gang of burly security guards before you can say “I’m all-in”. While the act of betting in the buff won’t necessarily make you more attractive to lady luck (unless you’re some sort of swimwear model), you will feel more comfortable when you ante-up.
This, in a nutshell, is one of the main reasons people love to play casino games online. When you log into Mr. Smith Casino and click on Gonzo’s Quest slot, there isn’t a sign that tells you to put on some pants before you spin. Basically, gamble what you want, when you want and how you want: that’s the beauty of online gambling.

You Can Dare to Swear

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Whether it’s a big win or an unexpected loss, emotions run high when you’re gambling but inside a brick and mortar venue you can’t express those emotions without getting into trouble. As social as casinos are, the act of bellowing like an opera singer won’t go down well with the management.
Fortunately, thanks to the power of online casinos, you can lay on your couch, bet as you wish and cry your heart out. Bet big, bet loud or go home, that’s the mantra every online gamer should live by.

You Can Gamble on the Loo

 

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Where’s the most inappropriate place you can gamble? Well that all depends on how depraved you are. Online operators like 32Red, Casino Euro and Mr. Smith all have dedicated mobile platforms which means you can deposit and play whenever and wherever you like.
In our minds that means betting on the bog, but you could literally take this newfound mobility to any extreme you like and bet on the roof of your house, on the bus or even during a boring meeting at work.
Basically, when it comes to it, online gambling is a better way to bet and people know this. Regardless of why people ante-up in the virtual arena, the fact is that they do and this means a general increase in gambling as a whole across Asia and, moreover, the world.

Posted in Biz News, World News0 Comments

Ireland: Reproductive Agency is One Thing, Intrusive Meddling is Another!

Ireland: Reproductive Agency is One Thing, Intrusive Meddling is Another!

Some may feel yesterday’s piece on Amnesty International, abortion, and Ireland is flippant. I can certainly see why people might think that; but I am 100% unapologetic. However, I will now speak in a less polemical and satirical manner, and weaponize a more prosaic tone against Big Human Rights.

It might seem churlish to sneer at the ‘humanitarian interventionism’ Amnesty International is perpetrating against Irish people of all identities. ‘After all,’ some might say, ‘Isn’t your postcolonial angle a minor distraction from the most important thing, which is the rights of women, and the necessity to reform the laws in a direction that respects women’s bodily autonomy and right to reproductive agency?’ Continue Reading

Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Serious Commentary0 Comments

Dear England: You Can Support Abortion Availability Without Being An Imperialist

Dear England: You Can Support Abortion Availability Without Being An Imperialist

Amnesty International has tried to save more people from ourselves (this time, Irish people), with its campaigning on Ireland’s abortion laws.

Of course, the situation for women in Ireland, north or south, is not perfect. But there is no excuse whatsoever for taking up the white man’s burden against Ireland; no matter how just or unjust the laws may be in Ireland, whether North or South.

No one need deny that the question of how to ensure more freedom and equality for women is an important issue in any country. Continue Reading

Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Serious Commentary0 Comments

Uncritical Pro AND Anti Immigration Stances? Sentiment, not Reality

Uncritical Pro AND Anti Immigration Stances? Sentiment, not Reality

Just have a look at my comment below, for an article on the site of the publisher Verso Books:

http://www.versobooks.com/blogs/2679-the-hegemonic-powers-of-the-eu-have-gone-one-step-too-far-on-governing-borders-and-the-right-to-move

Immigration is nothing to do with the question of deserving or not deserving this or that. Immigration is an entitlement, a legal provision; to confuse entitlements with desert is to confound a legal category with a morally charged ethical notion.

I further add: Continue Reading

Posted in Serious Commentary, World News2 Comments

Roll over Romney: Paypal Think ‘Professional Services are Merchandise!’

Roll over Romney: Paypal Think ‘Professional Services are Merchandise!’

Yesterday Brian talked about his experiences with Paypal.

I recently had wages (i.e. not a small article commission) delayed for weeks. I was unhappy to hear that they can even upgrade the delay to 180 days, if they want!

(Fortunately, they didn’t. But that’s hardly the point!)

I’ve been searching the internet, and it seems that there are innumerable complaints about Paypal. Continue Reading

Posted in Biz News0 Comments

Even casual PayPal users vexed by PayPal’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad customer service

Even casual PayPal users vexed by PayPal’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad customer service

I’ve been a PayPal user for ages. If you mistake them for a bank, you do so at your peril, because they charge the highest fees, offer the lowest interest of all (zero, for the curious), and getting customer service is like trying to explain a card trick to Comcast over the phone.

Did I mention they are awful? Well, they are, and I’ll tell you why: Continue Reading

Posted in Biz News, Technology3 Comments

30 Good Excuses for Tony Blair After Chilcot

30 Good Excuses for Tony Blair After Chilcot

1. It was all John Major’s fault.

2. It was all Saddam Hussein’s fault.

3. Divine intervention (more or less the right kind). Continue Reading

Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

The Night Before Chilcot (A Poem for the Children)

The Night Before Chilcot (A Poem for the Children)

Twas the night before Chilcot, when all through the nation
The people were pondering the Iraq abomination
Our hopes were all pinned to a gallows in London
Our desire was that Chilcot would damn, with abundance! Continue Reading

Posted in Kidz Zone, War Zone, World News0 Comments

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