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Santorum’s Untimely September Crusade Against Wal-Mart

Santorum’s Untimely September Crusade Against Wal-Mart

OK, I know the following article seems pretty anachronistic (in more ways than one, maybe).

Still, if politicians make “untimely interventions” in issues that are more safely consigned to a different part of the calendar, it’s not my fault.

Yes, it really isn’t my fault…

I mean, this is the objective media, and holding our hands up and taking responsibility is not really our bag.

That said, you might as well read what follows. Entertainment is the first and last of all virtues in the media, after all…

Well, that’s kinda the problem with our po-faced rivals and haters at Fox and MSNBC.

Anyways, Rick Santorum has recently attempted to revive his flagging political career, with a deeply untimely (at least in calendar terms) intervention in the “war on religion” debate:

“Ok, this might sound like old news, as it’s pretty much early autumn, and December 2013 is long behind us. But something from those few months back is really haunting me… this grudge is just too hard to bear…

“Yes, several months ago, Christmas 2013, Wal-mart actually stopped selling Christmas puddings! They had Yule Log, Christmas cake, French, German things, everything you can imagine, but no Christmas puddings.”

OK, so that sort of crap pisses me off too. Yet, Santorum is not even satisfied by a well-meaning, if somewhat confusing (in many ways!) statement from Wal-mart:

Although a lack of demand meant that last year we didn’t sell any Christmas puddings, our Christmas range continues to expand, with a variety of Christmas foods from around the world.

Still, in the name of the Christmas spirit (or as Ayn Rand said, in the name of the very best within us), we are always keen to hear recommendations about what to stock next…

Well, as long as you don’t piss us off by make annoying complaints in the media about it…

I mean, would you just shut up about this crap, right?…

I mean, we’re doing the very best we possibly can in an incredibly hostile and competitive market; when all those stupid, pissy little family shops and so-called “small businesses” are blowing humongous, bleeding chunks out of our rightful sales.

Still, we do hope that by the next festive season, everyone should be able to choose from a wide range of Christmas foods, including desserts and cakes, and be able to sit down and enjoy their favourite treats with their family.

Yes, whether monogamous, polygamous, polyamorous, casual hook-up, single-parent, many-parented, parents plus mistress (singular), parents plus mistresses (plurals), friends with benefits, blindfold S and M whip-or-be-whipped…

Or favourite colleagues, or favourite colleagues apart from that annoying guy from the office who keeps wanting to borrow cocaine money, or perhaps your least favourite colleagues apart from that appealing gay who keeps wanting to borrow your Lady Gaga T-shirt…

Flashmob-dining with people in your city, flash-flood dining with people in riverine States, feeding the five thousand in a scenic spot…

With or without grandparents, great-grandparents and annoying cousins; with or without the sinister begging of cats or iguanas, or the greedy howling of dogs and rabbits…

With your husband, wife, partner, gay, straight, human, non-human, alive, semi-alive, stone-cold solid, pretty damn buff, ugly as hell, kind-of-mmmkay, whenever, wherever, however, no-holds-barred…

Or even just all on your miserable but congenially tipsy lonesome, with a bottle of our special “All for Me, Haters Ain’t Gettin’ it” range of Mulled Wines and Mulled Extra-Proof Spirits…

Whoever or whatever you are, regardless of your purely arbitrary, socially constructed and culturally contingent family structure, we hope you will enjoy spending a month’s pay with us (or close enough)…

And, of course, sitting down for a pleasurable and enjoyable meal with whoever floats your boat.”

“See, they even admit it themselves, that they’re not selling it,” he scoffs.

(And see, even our puns are better than the average bear’s/average bare-assed liar’s favoured media outlets!)

Santorum continues:

“Like, it’s little compromises like this, like banning Xmas pudding (shit, sorry, keep saying that, I mean, CHRISTMAS pudding), that really build up, and before you know it, we are living in a pagan, post-Christian society…

“I mean, you just heard all the postmodern family structures there!

“Like, even I haven’t heard of half of them, and I’m kind of an informed expert of one sort or another on whatever’s wrong with sex, gender, and social structures in our country…

“Well, an expert, I mean within reason…

“And I mean, all this exotic sexing about in that statement, it’s hard to say which of these is worse… maybe the gay bit, at a push (or a shove?)… well actually no, it’s all a bit perverse…”

But Santorum’s views have found little support. Indeed, even Glenn Beck has poked fun at what some are calling an obvious publicity stunt:

“Hey, Santorum!” he smirks. “Never thought you were actually the type to stuff your face with Christmas pudding. You look more like a salad-and-vinaigrette type than a full-on pork barbecue kind of guy…

“So what, I mean, they’re not selling Christmas pudding? What harm does that do you, of all people? Loser.”

Still, we’ll give the last word to Ted Nugent (well, sometimes he actually doesn’t mind having the last word, anyways):

“These hooligans take away our guns, our constitutional rights and privileges and replace them with entitlements!

“So, ya know, we used to have rich, sweet, greasy, alcoholic, liver-smiting and tooth-murdering Christmas pudding. Stuffing our faces ‘til kingdom come.

“But now we’re having, say what? Gluten-free Victoria sponge with free-range dairy cream and organic cherries on top? This is a drip-drip phenomenon, man! I’m surprised we haven’t had a revolution by now.”

Well, at least Ted knows what our real political priorities should be (as always)…

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Fact-Check: Mitch McConnell Really Supports Your Big Business; TRUE!

Fact-Check: Mitch McConnell Really Supports Your Big Business; TRUE!

Washington outsider and regular everyman Mitch McConnell, Republican senator from Kentucky, has an ad claiming he supports big business, but does he really? Fact-Check: YES!

It turns out, true to his claims, Mitch McConnell really does stand up for mega businesses and the interests of his billionaire donors.

If you’re a billionaire donor, or billionaire potential donor, all signs say this turtle-American senator is fully for sale. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Video News0 Comments

Russian Takeover Strategies Of  Yesterday, Today And Tomorrow

Russian Takeover Strategies Of Yesterday, Today And Tomorrow

2008- Russia invades former ‘comrade’ nation Georgia because Putin ‘has Georgia on his mind….’.

March 2014- Russia takes over the Crimea because they want to protect their naval fleet, and their hidden stores of vodka.

June 2014- Russia begins infiltration and takeover of eastern Ukraine, wanting to ‘protect the Russians living there’ who invaded centuries ago. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News2 Comments

Apple to Remotely Disable All iPhone 4S Models and Older 7 Days After iPhone 6 Release

Apple to Remotely Disable All iPhone 4S Models and Older 7 Days After iPhone 6 Release

CALIFORNIA: In a statement released today by Apple CEO Tim Cook, all iPhone models 4S and older are scheduled to be shut down and remotely wiped seven days after the release of the iPhone 6 on September 9th.

“Customers who have resisted upgrading to our exciting and new technology need to catch up to the rest of us, and we are requiring these individuals to experience our leap in innovation by September 16th,” said Cook.

“I mean, so much has changed since our 4S model. Personally, I can’t even begin to imagine how these people live their daily lives with the traditional 30 pin charging connector or a pathetic VGA front-facing camera.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Gadgets & Gizmos16 Comments

Mitch McConnell TV Ad Fact-Checked: TRUE

Mitch McConnell TV Ad Fact-Checked: TRUE

Washington outsider and advocate for change Mitch McConnell took a bold step this year, effectively crowd-sourcing his campaign commercials to the drooling masses.

This inspired strike of utter genius can best be described as “SmarTarded™” in a way Kentuckians may best be remembered.

This particular 30-second spot covers a lot of shaky ground claiming that Mitch McConnell supports women, women voters and women’s rights, as portrayed in the publicly available video released by campaign officials.

The video shows McConnell cavorting with a variety of average, older, minority and even surprisingly attractive women. At one point, a group of women hold pre-printed signs of support as if to say, “I support him enough to hold a sign if it means I get to be on TV, but not enough to actually make one of my own.”

Watch the commercial, then read the Fact-Check

We fact-checked the video; Rating: TRUE

Literally every citation shown on screen is accurately represented by the accompanying voice over.

We’ve taken the trouble to provide every single link ourselves so you can see just how honest this ad is.

Mitch McConnell’s Actual Voting Record on Women’s Issues

• Mitch McConnel voted NAY to S Amdt 4689 – Teen Pregnancy Education Amendment effectively making teens more vulnerable to unintended pregnancy.
• Voted for S Amdt 1757 – Prohibiting Federal Funding of Human Sexual Behavior Surveys, in effect to codify his preconceived notions, however wrong they might be.
• Voted against the S Amdt 244 – Unintended Pregnancy Amendment which would provide millions in pregnancy prevention and family planning.
• Voted to ban condoms without parent’s consent (effectively making them inaccessible, since few parents would give consent and fewer teens would have the courage to ask.) S Amdt 1390 – Contraceptives Distribution Amendment making teen pregnancy even more likely.
• Mitch voted against S 2578 – Protect Women’s Health From Corporate Interference Act of 2014 which allows employers like Hobby Lobby to restrict access to birth control.

All of this makes you more likely to have a child when you are young, poor, uneducated, or a combination of these things. But don’t worry, Mitch McConnell won’t support you once you have that child.

• Except that McConnell voted against HR 3963 – Children’s Health Insurance Program Reauthorization Act of 2007 (CHIP), meaning he didn’t even want your child to have health insurance.
• He sure as hell didn’t want additional children to have access to health care when he voted against HR 2 – Children’s Health Insurance Program Reauthorization and Expansion
• While still supporting the food stamp program for farmers, he did try to make it much more difficult to qualify for assistance when he voted to S Amdt 2174 – Limits Eligibility for Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP)
• States can get a bonus for reaching a higher proportion of those in need, but not under McConnell’s watch. McConnell voted to S Amdt 2172 – Rescind Bonuses to States for Administering Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP)
• Voted NO. S 2199 – Paycheck Fairness Act
• Voted NO again. S 3220 – Paycheck Fairness Act
• Voted NO a third time. S 3772 – Paycheck Fairness Act
• Didn’t like the S 181 – Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009 which would make it illegal to discriminate wages based on gender alone.
• And if he doesn’t like those, you know there’s no way he’s going to support something called the HR 2831 – Equal Pay Bill. That’s just crazy talk.

BONUS ways Mitch McConnell supports women

• He voted against the S 47 – Violence Against Women Reauthorization Act of 2013.
• He voted against providing S Amdt 3820 – Legal Immigrants Assistance Eligibility Amendment, which means, even though you are a legal immigrant, he still wants you to be discriminated against.

So why the hell would a woman ever vote for Mitch McConnell?

Beats me. Maybe it’s tradition or pressure from friends. Maybe it’s a lack of knowledge about who he is, what he supports or how he votes.

It’s certainly not because they like what he stands for. That would make them pretty awful people.

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Posted in Politics, Video News1 Comment

National Front Thugs Horrified: Hitler a “Dirty Foreign [Insert Profanity Here]“

National Front Thugs Horrified: Hitler a “Dirty Foreign [Insert Profanity Here]“

Most Americans have probably heard of the Front National in France, but not all US citizens may be aware of her somewhat less sophisticated and elegant sister party, the UK’s National Front.

But admittedly, this club of assorted knuckledraggers, boneheads and goosestepping eagle-polishers is so “edgy,” so far off the mainstream political establishment™, that it hardly picks up any votes.

Yes, the NF’s voting tally (not sure about tallywhackers, though) are consistently dwarfed even by the sum of protest votes garnered by fellow neo-fascists, the British National Party. Similarly, their fellow socialists, the Greens, tend to do “better” than the National Front in elections. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

Arms Manufacturers Hope for Another Massacre To Stimulate Lagging Gun Sales

Arms Manufacturers Hope for Another Massacre To Stimulate Lagging Gun Sales

According to a recent Bloomberg.com article, guns sales have fallen off sharply since the days of the Sandy Hook and Batman movie massacres which is worrying arms manufacturers and salesmen.

The fear of having guns banned or limited sent gun lovers, conspiracy theorists, survivalists and various assorted whackos scurrying for their local gun shops to buy up whatever thunder sticks and ammos they could get their hands on.

Those times are now referred to as ‘the good ole’ days” by shop owners. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News0 Comments

The 13th Annual Biggest Firework Ceremony Begins With a Blast

The 13th Annual Biggest Firework Ceremony Begins With a Blast

Kicking it off this September comes an event the whole world has begged to be a part of. Unfortunately for them, only a selected number of Muslims were able to make it inside.

Since 2001, the Annual Biggest Firework Ceremony has been a part of the Al-Qaeda family who have their traditions such as: Executing anyone they come across with, annoyingly chanting their monkey song ‘Allahu Akbar’, and the classic accidental suicide bombing bloopers the entire unibrow family enjoys. Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

GOP End of Days Panic: Rick Perry Declares Himself the Anti-Reagan

GOP End of Days Panic: Rick Perry Declares Himself the Anti-Reagan

The GOP is getting worried about outside infiltration and even supernatural omens, as rumor has it that Rick Perry has revealed himself to aides as the literal anti-Reagan.

No need to worry about fire and brimstone, signs in the Heavens, and the standard apocalyptic phenomena which might conceivably be interpreting as heralding the end of days for some Republicans, as you’ll read.

There is a perfectly innocent (well, more-or-less innocent) explanation. Here’s what Rick has to say about the latest development in the War Against Reagan:

“Yes, it’s true. You’ve heard it. I’m the anti-Reagan. I do declare it. What does this mean? Well, Reagan began as a film star and then became more famous as a politician. But my career trajectory has gone in the opposite direction; I am a politician whose entire fame and fortune is founded on one short video from my election campaign. THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Sorry about that, it does that every couple minutes. Yes, one great video. How many Democrats can say that about their careers? Or even Republicans? How about you, Rand Paul™? Huh? You may think you are a bit special™, a cut above™, a bit different from the rest of us in the GOP™, but how many viral videos with countless parodies have you made? THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Wow, that’s really annoying, sorry about that. Where was I? Oh yeah. Hell, even Arnie; who is he? How many people watch Jingle all the Way, except when their kids get sick on the couch in December and you’re too drunk on Christmas spirits to care? But my media creation has stood the test of time. It doesn’t take a whole studio™ to make a video, it takes just one talented individual™. THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Not sure if I’m being Punk’d or something. Texas has a ‘tough on crime’ governor, unless you elect some soft liberal after I’m gone. It really is pretty annoying and I’m sorry how this interview must be THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.

“Okay, again, how many Democrats or Republicans have ever achieved what I have achieved in the cinematic world? My video from that elections campaign, it’s got me, it’s got everything, an entire glorious technicolor universe of just about everything the heart could desire or contemplate: gays, the military, gays in the military™, militant gays™, educational issues, religion, politics, religious politics and the politics of religion; and did I mention gays in the military™x5,000? Phew! Wow!

“Oh, and militant gays™x10,000 too! I mean, it’s like the whole damn universe condensed into about three short minutes! Forget about Hollywood, have you ever seen a Hollywood film that is so vast and encyclopedic in its scope, yet lasts a shorter time than it takes to microwave a sandwich? Well? THIS CALL IS BEING MADE FROM A CORRECTIONAL FACILITY IN TEXAS.”

I guess this means that Rick Perry always has something to fall back on. Well, if they ever make a film of Ronald Reagan, they will have to pick someone else, as it sounds like Perry is more into artsy-fartsy tableau miniatures, not mainstream stuff to be shown in standard cine-plexes.

Or he could pull a Tom Delay and go on Dancing with the Stars, or a Rod Blagojevic and take a spot on Celebrity Survivor.

With his talent for such an elevated form of cinematic production, he might even be able to continue his cinematic career in France, “le pays de la culture™”, although I guess we’d better not tell him that.

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Posted in Crime, Politics2 Comments

Ideas Man Newt Gingrich Finally Solves Fiscal Responsibility Problem

Ideas Man Newt Gingrich Finally Solves Fiscal Responsibility Problem

The new Newt Gingrich is re-branding himself as the Ideas Man™ of the Republican Party, but this time he’s outdone even himself with an astonishingly innovative solution.

“You know what, everybody? We all know about the fiscal responsibility problem, and it’s really intractable. Too much dogmatism on both sides, unwillingness to compromise, the whole complexity of the situation. You know I’m no idealist, I’m a practical thinker, not a bookworm. (Ouch!™ fail!).

“Well, I’ve got an idea that will solve all our problems in one stroke. Why not just abolish taxes? You can’t get much smaller government than that!”

This idea has actually been quite well received by both parties, although there are still some… shall we say, minor disagreements.

Barney Frank suggests abolishing taxes only for anyone not on an obscene wage, while Grover Norquist thinks abolishing corporation tax and all taxes for people earning above a middle-class income (however defined) is the right way to go.

Still, it looks like there’s going to be some progress on this issue after all.

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Posted in Politics0 Comments

A Checklist Of The ‘Humanitarian Aid’ The Russians Are Sending To Ukraine

A Checklist Of The ‘Humanitarian Aid’ The Russians Are Sending To Ukraine

At the Russian/Ukrainian border the so-called ‘humanitarian aid’ convoy sent by Putin stops to do a final check on what supplies they will be delivering to the Ukrainians on the other side. Two Russian majors exit the first two vehicles carrying clipboards and meet at the back of the first truck.

“OK Dimitri, let’s take a final check on everything.” Continue Reading

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Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

Rand Paul Reaches Out To Dems, Promises Not to Ban “Washing-up” Agenda

Rand Paul Reaches Out To Dems, Promises Not to Ban “Washing-up” Agenda

Some Republicans view Rand Paul as a potentially divisive figure (i.e. one who will take some of their support away in critical demographics), but some of his opponents are actually impressed how he has built bridges with Democrats at cross-party meetings.

“You know,” says Rand’s new ally, Barney Frank, “I wasn’t all that sure about our good pal Senator Rand Paul at first, but I’m really impressed at his cooperative spirit. We sit around a table, decide who’s gonna do what, agree about it, and we get down to work.”

Paul even said this division of labor reminded him of that chapter in Adam Smith. Frank agreed with him: “You are so right, Rand!” They even devised the “washing up” agenda, which is best described thusly:

1. Buy what’s needed.
2. Who’s gonna run the water?
3. Scrub the dishes.
4. Gotta get the tableware dried, yes sir!

Frank said, “You know what, just today alone, we’ve already two down, two to go! You know, you used to hear so many people fussing about whether this agenda or that agenda existed; but now, as far as me and Rand and the other participants in our cross-party discussions are concerned, we can all just sit down and co-operate™, with a bit of healthy competition™, it’s great!”

Rick Perry is less impressed, as he commonly is:

“All right, yeah, tell me another one, so we finally acknowledge at long last that there actually is a washing-up agenda! Well, no surprises there! I’ve been saying it all along™, and so has Rick Santorum! But here’s the million-dollar question™; what precisely does this Rand Paul guy™ plan to do about it™, huh?”

But Rand Paul doesn’t seem to mind such criticisms.

In fact, he just gets up and walks away from uncomfortable confrontation.

“You know, when dishes need washed, someone has to step up to the mark and do what has to be done™. Maybe some of my GOP rivals wish they could set the agenda like I can™? Or maybe they just can’t stand it when a top Republican reaches out to the Democrats™ and tries to work together with them.”

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Posted in Politics0 Comments

Conservatives and Liberals Still Trying to Convert Each Other

Conservatives and Liberals Still Trying to Convert Each Other

WASHINGTON – A new poll of 1,000 American adults reveals that both conservatives and liberals believe it is possible to “convert” other people to change their political orientation.

The recent Gallmausen poll found that more than 63% of Americans believe that they can convince other people to adopt their position through such rhetorical tactics as shouting at them, incessantly repeating themselves, and vicious name-calling. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics0 Comments

Rand and Rev. Al Share the Pie Equally, Dems and Reps Unimpressed

Rand and Rev. Al Share the Pie Equally, Dems and Reps Unimpressed

Senator Rand Paul and Reverend Al Sharpton have shown some interparty solidarity and cut up a blueberry pie™ into equal slices at a dialogue and lunch event.

“Hey listen, this man Senator Rand Paul is great!” gushes Reverend Al:

“I mean, I haven’t seen such mutual engagement and co-operation for a long time! We can work with this man alright! And that blueberry pie; oh my gosh, I’ve never had such succulent blue-sky-colored berries and crusty pastry… wow! Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Hillary is Not Bad at Basketball. Period. But She WILL be President

Hillary is Not Bad at Basketball. Period. But She WILL be President

Rachel Maddow of the left-leaning news network™ MSNBC has defended Hillary Clinton from malicious and false conservative allegations™ that she is bad at basketball. See this transcript:

“The enemies of the Democratic Party™, is there any depths to which they will not stoop™ to insult this woman with malicious and self-evidently false™, I mean absolutely ridiculously implausible allegations™?

“I believe if Hillary Clinton were a man, no-one would ever criticize her in this way™.

“I mean, she goes to a school to talk to the kids, misses a few hoops, and Republican trolls descend upon her like vultures, accusing her of bad faith when she actually correctly confirmed in her interview with me™ that she is quite the basketball player.

“Yes, all right, just have a look at this pic™ of Hillary being confronted by these people… and this twitter footage™… unbelievable, isn’t it™? You know, I have a suspicion™ that this school set the basketball hoop deliberately high, so that she would miss it.

“Worse than a glass ceiling, huh? You know, I’m not going to say for sure™, I mean there sure are a lot of Republicans in that State, and I guess I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions™. I guess this is a country where a certain kind of woman™…. Huh-huh!… like Palin or Bachmann, are permitted to thrive and prosper, but successful and talented women like Clinton™ go to the wall.

“By the way, people are saying that Elizabeth Warren is much better™, but I really… you know I really wish people would shut up about this other woman Elizabeth Warren™. You know, seriously dude… Hillary for President™… you know it makes sense!™ Oh… oh my gosh, sorry, I didn’t mean to™ explicitly endorse a possible future presidential candidate… my bad!™ Guess that’s media objectivity™ for you!”

Future opinion polls will determine what effect Maddow’s inadvertent endorsement™ of Clinton might have.

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Posted in Politics, Sportsfolk0 Comments

Pelosi gets tough on Pope Francis regime

Pelosi gets tough on Pope Francis regime

It seems not everybody is charmed by Pope Francis. Indeed, one prominent US politician, Nancy Pelosi, is planning very stern measures to punish what she considers to be the brutal and savage policies and order of governance by His Holiness.

In a tearful Youtube video that Britney Spears has already endorsed, Pelosi explains: “The Church humiliated me™ because of my Principled Liberal Moral Stances™. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Religionism5 Comments

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