BOISE, Idaho – Sen. Sam Getzless of Pocatello, Idaho is fuming mad about the recent bill passed in his state banning virtual lap dances, otherwise known as “laptop dances.” Getzless claims the ban will affect roughly half the population as roughly half the residents of Idaho are male. Roughly.

“What a man does in the privacy of his own home should be sacred,” said Getzless, after waiting for the results of a vote on the Senate floor. Continue Reading

In a stunning announcement at Wednesday mornings press briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced WMDs have been discovered in the Crimean peninsula.

“The CIA has determined and it has been confirmed through British Intelligence that convoys of Russian trucks are moving into Crimea.

CIA human assets on the ground have since discovered they are filled with weapons of mass destruction.” said Carney.

“President Obama has called for an emergency session of the UN Security Council and is presently conferring with NATO and G7 partners on how to respond to the situation.”

This morning dozens of US and British warships, including one French support vessel, were seen moving into the Black Sea and taking up positions off the coast of Crimea.

Carney continued “The Russians used banned weapons in WWII against the Nazis and if they used them once they may use them again.  President Obama and the American people are resolved that the illegal invasion of a sovereign nation will not go unpunished.  The United States will use any means at our disposal, including the invasion of a sovereign nation,  to insure WMDs are neutralized, international laws upheld and aggressors brought to justice.”

When asked whether the WMDs were chemical or biological  Carney responded “The situation is fluid but at the present time we believe it to be borscht”.

photo credit: U.S. Coast Guard via Photopin, CC

Dateline: WASHINGTON—Polls indicate that Republicans are more respected by Americans, as a result of their complicated response to Russian President Putin’s invasion of Ukraine.

Since George W. Bush’s second term, polls revealed that Americans’ respect for Republicans had plummeted. Analysts say this was because Americans perceived that Republicans have one of the easiest jobs in the world.
Continue Reading

Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring like the Canadians.

Ukraine is split between ethnic Russians in the eastern part of the country and pro-European, ethnic-Ukrainians in the west. Likewise, Canada is split between Catholic, French-speaking Quebecers, left-wingers in Ontario and British Columbia, and conservatives in the prairies. Continue Reading

Vladimir (the Vampire ) Putin, still glowing from the success of the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia, has suddenly shown his darker side of the Force by invading and taking over the Crimea, a vital peninsula of his supposed ally Ukraine.

Vlad the Cad had impressively shown to the world the creative and suppossedly world-friendly side of Russia in the huge spectacle of the 2014 Olympics. They had spent 50 billion dollars to convince the world that they were part of the team that made the planet run and that Uncle Putin was really just a big Teddy bear of a guy and not the ice veined, Continue Reading

Dateline: OTTAWA—Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring, like Canadians.
Continue Reading

The U.S. Military, the true originator of the Internet, has had enough of the shenanigans it has become and is taking it [the internet] back.

“It was never meant to be the big circus that it is now.” stated General I. Standtall, speaking on behalf of the American Armed Services.

“It was intended as a simple means for us to communicate secretly within a military field of intelligence. Since we let it get out of our hands it has devolved into a morass of anti-intelligence.” Continue Reading

In a six minute address before a Senate Hearing on Alzheimer’s research funding that has gone viral on the Internet, comedian and actor Seth Rogan was successful at focusing discussion on the lack of knowledge and attention paid to Seth Rogan.

Rogan, who holds fundraisers for the Alzheimer’s Association, which took in 240 million last year but curiously spent only 14 on research grants, skillfully maneuvered the discussion away from the lack of Alzheimer’s research funding by Government and the Alzheimer’s Association and onto why members of Congress have not seen his movie “Knocked Up”. Continue Reading

Representatives of Big Pharma revealed today that they have created a new polio-like virus and are testing it on California schoolchildren.

“We have infected about 30 California schoolchildren far”, said Big Pharma spokesperson Greg Skrewm. “We hope to have reached epidemic proportions by the end of summer”.

Skrewm explained that Big Pharma makes much of its money from viruses, virus treatments and vaccines. He claims they already have a vaccine for the new virus but won’t release it until at least 100,000 people have become infected.

“Then we will start a nationwide immunization campaign!” he stated.

“This disease is new and we haven’t worked out all bugs yet”, said Michael Lynch, VP of R&D for Big Pharma. “But have no fear! We will have the vaccine available before many of you are infected!”

Lynch explained that researchers genetically modified the old polio virus to make it resistant to every standard type of treatment then re-sequenced it.

“We need to make money for ourselves and to make our shareholders happy”, Lynch explained. “Every time we find a vaccine for a virus, that’s money coming out of our pockets. We need vaccines for new viruses to replace the old viruses”.

Big Pharma CEO Rick Cheney suggests deep pocketed investors invest now.

“I can’t give you any inside info but this is going to be big!” Cheney stated.

Giddy with the joy of Christ at successfully legalizing state sponsored endorsement of dark age phobias and insanities the Arizona State Legislature voted to to change the State slogan and motto along with other state designations and affiliations. Continue Reading

Ken Ham, while unclean in name only, continues to vie valiantly for the creation of a modern day Ark to prove once and for all that the book of Genesis was written as a literal and true historical account.

But old man scam-on-the-barbie has missed too many crucial points, reality clearly the biggest among them.

Don’t let his twoingy accent fool you, he’s not sophisticated, just a regular Joe from a country with no more patience for him. But no matter. Continue Reading

Ministers last night applauded Britain’s leading Roman Catholic for being well-informed and on point. They praised Archbishop of Westminster Vincent Nichols after he denounced government poverty creation schemes.

Downing Street said David Cameron believes there is a moral case only for reforming the corrupt tax system to get international companies to stop avoiding payment of their full dues by squirreling their UK profits into offshore accounts. Continue Reading

Chelyabinsk, Russia – Scientists have located a large chunk of the Chelyabinsk meteorite that came crashing down in Siberia on February 15, causing injuries in this small village in the Ural region of Russia.

The fragment was recovered from Lake Chebarkul by astronomers from the Ural Federal University and brought immediately to an undisclosed location for further examination.

News of a strange encryption on a large part of the meteorite indicates that this is no ordinary rock from outer space, but could possibly hold the key to the question “are we alone in the universe?” Continue Reading

High level negotiations establishing a reunion for separated families in North and South Korea broke down Wednesday over a miscommunication on venue.

After several weeks it was believed representatives had agreed to hold the event at Disney World this August and included a talent show, karaoke and a Korean War reenactment for children under 12.

However, North Korean diplomats balked when the South Korean delegates consistently mentioned Orlando Florida. Continue Reading

The United Nations declared today that atrocities committed by North Korea Security chiefs and possibly even president Kim Jong-un are so horrendous they could be compared to how the US treats prisoners at Guantanamo, Abu Graib and other ‘secret’ prisons around the world.

“This kind of behavior does not belong in a civilized society!” declared Michael Kirby, chairman of the U.N. Commission of Inquiry.

Kirby claims that North Korean prisoners are being denied due process, starved, are frequently beaten and denied health care much like prisoners at Guantanamo.

“Other countries are supposed to do as we say, not as we do”, said Cori Crider, Guantanamo Counsel and Strategic Director.

Crider would not comment on the other ‘secret prisons’ the US has around the world simply saying “that’s not my job”

In addition, the committee expressed concern over North Korea’s growing nuclear arsenal claiming it resembles a tiny version of the US nuclear arsenal.

“Granted, they have only one ten thousandth the strength of our nuclear arsenal but we are us and they are them”, said Brigadier General Les More, an Air Force spokesman. “It comes down to US vs THEM. And US always wins!”

For the first time in history, a used car dealership has earned a score below zero on the Acham-Norbert Dealer Index, and they didn’t just make history, they set a bar too low to ever beat.

Spyder and Rocky Krakauer’s dealership is unique in that they don’t want to tell you, or better yet, don’t want you to know their physical address.

They’re also unique in that they don’t sell cars for cash, but trade them for illicit drugs.

Spyder is seen in the commercial offering used cars for as low as a single crack rock, and his brother Rocky is offering them as well for prices that range up to a mere 10 crack rocks, or a street value of about $50.

Purchasing a car for $5 to $50 when crushing weight alone says they’re worth $300 is suspicious enough, but the brothers are clearly in various states of being high and/or in withdrawal throughout the commercial.

Even the fine print has a disclaimer from the producer of the video admitting that he was paid in illegal drugs.

While Glossy News will never endorse business practices such as these, we can say that we got a 2004 Mercedes E320 for $96 and a 2009 cement mixer for $14.

Watch the commercial here:

And then go ‘behind the scenes’ here, with this unique look at the inner workings of criminal masterbates such as these.

But we should warn you, these behind the scenes clips may very well make your blood boil with rage and commit to never buying a new or used car ever again.

Or not, kind of your call.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Despite being less than half the length of previous videos, this one still took well over 30 hours to make. There were tons of graphics to make and put in place, plus the live filming aspect (which was delayed due to snow.)

Co-star Jason V. Jones is an ally in video from 1993 when he and I created “King Me”, a 13 episode public access TV show. That’s back when editing was a chore rather than a treat. It was begrudgingly shot by J-Dawg Scruples, another partner in crime from those days, but he did more in terms of writing and acting than editing and producing.