United States Department of State Secretary John Kerry joined with Deputy Secretaries William Joseph Burns and Thomas Nides in an effort to destroy the 3D gun blue prints released by DEFCAD, a site hosted by Defense Distributed.

The State Department uploaded the high profile digital agents into the network after Defense Distributed founder Cody Wilson uploaded design plans that would allow a 3D printer to create a functional plastic gun.

“I feel a presence. Another warrior is on the mesa” stated the Master Control Program as the blueprints for the gun were downloaded more than 100,000 times before the State Department agents even entered the mainframe. Continue Reading

President Obama defended today his administration’s response to the Benghazi terror attack as a car bomb explosion killed several people near a Benghazi hospital.

“Nobody understood exactly what was taking place during the course of those first few days” Obama said of last year’s attack on the U.S. Embassy in Benghazi as the blast today left at least nine dead, including two children.

His remarks were in response to recent hearings conducted by the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, which began investigating the attack in October of 2012, around the time four bombings killed 15 in Pakistan, 8 in Beirut, 24 in southern Yemen, and 19 in Afghanistan’s northern Balkh Province. Continue Reading

Tea Party political activity groups, known for their hardline anti-tax position, were singled out by the IRS for scrutiny.

“It’s crazy,” says anti-tax crusader and Wisconsin Tea Party head Colin Felcher. I can’t imagine a single reason why they’d think we’re against paying taxes.

Unofficial IRS spokesman Davis Kaeng, who works by day as an official IRS spokesman, agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity, but also that we use his real name and record the conversation. Continue Reading

Bangladeshi rescuers pulled a garment worker alive from the rubble of a building 17 days after the collapse and immediately ordered her back to work.

Referring to her time buried alive as “17 days unauthorized vacation”, the garment factory she works for transferred her to another facility to begin paying off the time.

As she was transported by ambulance to her new job, the rescued woman who goes by the single name of Reshma told reporters that she already works 20 hours a day for 15 cents an hour. “Thank goodness for the raise, [or] else I’d never pay off all this vacation time,” she praised her good fortune. Continue Reading

The gelled waste that once held office as South Carolina Governor has been elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. The win marks a major political comeback for the slime, Mark Sanford, who resigned after an extramarital glop in 2009.

After disappearing for five days in the summer of 2009, the slime admitted in a news conference he had been in Argentina slushing with his mistress after having told his staff he was scuzzing in the Appalachian Trail. Continue Reading

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie unintentionally set forth a sequence of events that will ultimately lead to the fall of the United States government and all of Western civilization when he smashed a tiny spider last week.

The spider, which was crawling on the governor’s desk as he spoke to a group of schoolchildren, should have gone unnoticed by his daughter, Bridget Christie. She instead observed her father’s brave demonstration, which sparked the fourth-grader’s interest in pest and insect control. Continue Reading

Following a previous filibuster of John Brennan’s nomination to be CIA director, the Obama White House is said to be having closed door meetings with Department of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles secretary and well known developmental reconnaissance drone Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern (also known as Compass Cope R).

President Barack Obama is said to be consulting with Ryan after the administration was asked, “Can you use a drone to kill an American on American soil?” Continue Reading

This week Costco, a warehouse consumer outlet known for low prices on large quantity items, opened it’s first auto parts outlet in Kirkland, Washington. “People want low prices, and we deliver that with volume,” said division manager Marckus Baech.

One shopper, coming out with 3 windsheilds for a 1999 Pontiac Aztec explained, “I didn’t need three of them, but at these prices, I’d have to be stupid not have two extras laying around.” Continue Reading

The White House is considering sending sympathy cards to Syrian rebels, officials said, but no arrangements have been made.

A decision to supply sympathy cards would indicate a change in the Obama administration, which has resisted repeated requests to expand its concern in the Syrian conflict that has killed more than 70,000 people, mostly civilians.

The administration is also considering supplying chocolates, fruits, and other comforting goodies along with stuffed animals for the Syrian children that are tending to their wounded brothers, sisters, and parents. Continue Reading

Covered in what appears to be various amounts of crude oil, Congress is increasing pressure on the Obama administration to approve work on the long-delayed Keystone XL oil sand pipeline.

They argue that the pipeline, which plans to carry large volumes of heavy oil from the Canadian tar sands to the southern United States, will help lower the nation’s energy cost, create more jobs, and provide a boost to the economy. Continue Reading

In response to House Democrats demanding that President Barack Obama release information on the White House Administration’s use of drone strikes, congress was sent a copy of “Our Friend Danny Drone,” a children’s book written by Obama.

Inside sources have provided a preview of the book’s contents. Continue Reading

Congress Steve Stockman (R-Texas), pro-knife advocate, has introduced H.R. 1526, the Weapons for Unborn Act of 2013 – a bill to require doctors performing abortions to arm unwanted fetuses with a choice of close combat weapon.

“I have one concern: protecting developing infants from dangerous abortion doctor predators,” Stockman explained. “By arming qualified embryos and fetuses, we can create a safer situation for our unborn children.” Continue Reading

New York Attorney Tony Girbaldi has filed a class action suite against State Farm Insurance for claiming that reciting their company jingle would bring an instant representative followed by mystic gain and benefits.

State Farm customer Sheila Potekin said her car was attacked by a herd of wild yaks while at a nature preserve and no one responded when she recited the jingle.

“The ad I saw recently showed a couple of guys in a similar situation and a representative appeared and zapped them into his office. My car was destroyed and I had to be rescued by park personnel who were not affiliated with State Farm”, she stated.

Another State Farm customer Irving Pelter said he was driving recklessly around a hairpin turn. As he saw his vehicle going out of control he confidently sang, “Like a good neighbor State Farm is there”. Instead of a representative appearing, Pelter’s car continued it’s precipitous plunge resulting in severe injuries.

“I even sang the jingle after I crashed”, Pelter lamented. “Nothing. No representative. No magical event. Nothing like the commercials”.

Pelter said he did manage to reach a representative but had to wait until he was on the phone in the hospital. When asked why he didn’t appear at his moment of need the representative simply said that is an ad gimmick and not to be taken literally.

“Then they raised my premium because of the accident. It just ain’t fair”, Pelter continued.

Most State Farm employees refused to be interviewed because of the pending litigation but one employee did speak on condition of anonymity. “It’s just a totally stupid commercial. And unless you’re buying wrong we won’t even save you any money!” she claimed.

Attorney Girbaldi claims he is seeking $1.2 billion to cover all the people who have State Farm yet have not benefited from the jingle.

Days after an assault weapons ban was removed from a gun violence bill in the Senate earlier this week, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif, entered house chambers on Thursday, legally equipped with a SIG SG 550 assault rifle.

Pelosi carried the weapon at her side as House members were meeting to vote on a short-term funding measure to keep the government running beyond the end of the month. The bill, which cleared the Senate on Wednesday, was awaiting it’s final passage in the House to avert a shutdown. Continue Reading

With a lack of signals coming from analysts and virtually no news that could have an impact on crude prices, oil has again suffered moderate setbacks today.

Confounding investors who lack any fundamentals to trade on, Wall Street again witnessed a pull back affecting US crude oil prices.

Analysts say absolutely any news is good for supporting oil. When unemployment figures rise, crude offers a safe haven for investors fearing an economic slowdown, while any improvement in the economy signals potential for increased demand. Continue Reading

President Barack Obama joked about a wide variety of subjects on Saturday at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner, but has outraged some with the distasteful quip he made about Quvenzhane Wallis, the Academy Award nominated nine-year old ‘Beasts of the Southern Wild’ actress.

Obama began his speech by entering to the rap track “All I Do Is Win” and went on to joke about not being “the strapping young Muslim Socialist” that he used to be.

He followed with “And Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a c*nt, right?” He then went on to a presentation of shots featuring himself with his wife’s bangs. Continue Reading