Archive | Top Stories

The Peace Criminals Project is Going Great! But Will You Write for Us?

The Peace Criminals Project is Going Great! But Will You Write for Us?

The three Peace Criminals sites have been going well.

But we all have limited time.

Can you help by contributing some articles?

New ones are best of all, but some republications are certainly of use too.

We don’t claim any copyright over your work, so you can do whatever you like with it.

Neocon Surveillance

The flagship site: Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Human Interest, War Zone0 Comments

“To be Finished Would be a Relief”: Solving the Mystery of Cameron’s Resignation Song

“To be Finished Would be a Relief”: Solving the Mystery of Cameron’s Resignation Song

The end of David Cameron’s tenure as Prime Minister was a hectic one to say the least. With the country practically imploding after Brexit, Cameron had to take the blame for the emerging crisis. But when Cameron started humming a tune after his resignation speech (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Gz6mZYxS0A) it made matters more amusing, but also sent the internet and media into a craze of wild guesses: what was Cameron humming?

Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Music, Politics0 Comments

Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

Trump University Fall 2016 Courses

The Trump University Promise

At Trump University success is what it’s all about. Trump U is about a lot of things – but above all, how you can be successful by helping me become even more successful by enrolling in Trump University. You can enroll in our Business Entrepreneur Success curriculum for slightly more than the amount you’ve accumulated in your retirement nest egg. Enrollment is now open for Fall 2016. Check out some of my incredible courses. You’re going to love it. I guarantee it. – Donald J. Trump Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, Top Stories1 Comment

How Nude Betting Helped Make Asia a Billion Dollar Gambling Hub

How Nude Betting Helped Make Asia a Billion Dollar Gambling Hub

A 2015 report on Forbes.com suggested that the eyes of the gambling world have shifted over the last decade. While hungry eyes used to look towards Las Vegas and its smorgasbord of gambling delights, today it seems that Asia is where many high rollers get their fill.

Of course, Las Vegas is by no means a lame duck. Indeed, back in 2015, the gambling hub in the middle of the Nevada desert welcomed 42,312,216 tourists, and casinos on the strip alone generated $6.3 billion in revenue. However, when you compare those numbers to Macau’s spreadsheet they look extremely tame.
Despite a recent dip in gambling activity, Macau’s network of casinos generated $28.9 billion in 2015, as high rollers from around the world flocked to iconic venues such as The Venetian Macao to play everything from slots to roulette.

The Asian Persuasion

16324795663_48748ac3e9_z
So what’s prompted this migration of gamblers to Asia? Naturally there are many reasons, but one of the most obvious is the growth of online gambling. Between operators and software developers, Asia has become a hub for online gambling and that, in turn, has increased the public’s interest in gambling as a whole.
Indeed, away from Macau you’ll find software development companies like Playtech and Novenix with bases in the Philippines. Beyond that, Japan is now home to industry operators such as 32Red. Despite Britain being the operator’s main base, a movement into Asia has resulted in the creation of the URL http://www.32red.com/jp/, which was specifically designed for Japanese players.
When you contrast 32Red’s Japanese platform with a European-facing site like Casino Euro, you’ll notice that the former not only has Japanese as its default language, but some of the games are different. Pai Gow Poker and baccarat, two hugely popular games in Asia, feature heavily on the site. In contrast, Casino Euro focuses much more on slots such as Rainbow Riches and Starburst.
Essentially, the growth of online gaming in Asia has prompted the rise in popularity of live gaming in Asia, but why are people now more inclined to gamble online? When it comes to reasons, everyone has their own, but we like to think out of the box which is why we’re convinced that underwear helped to build Asia’s billion dollar industry.

Why Online Betting is Best

So, before we leave you to ponder the gaming boom in Asia, here are some reasons why people now ante-up online:

You Can Play in Your Underwear

2932548633_de1e613e8c_z

Walk into any casino in Macau wearing nothing but your underwear and you’ll be hauled out by a gang of burly security guards before you can say “I’m all-in”. While the act of betting in the buff won’t necessarily make you more attractive to lady luck (unless you’re some sort of swimwear model), you will feel more comfortable when you ante-up.
This, in a nutshell, is one of the main reasons people love to play casino games online. When you log into Mr. Smith Casino and click on Gonzo’s Quest slot, there isn’t a sign that tells you to put on some pants before you spin. Basically, gamble what you want, when you want and how you want: that’s the beauty of online gambling.

You Can Dare to Swear

3102434950_cf57146005_z
Whether it’s a big win or an unexpected loss, emotions run high when you’re gambling but inside a brick and mortar venue you can’t express those emotions without getting into trouble. As social as casinos are, the act of bellowing like an opera singer won’t go down well with the management.
Fortunately, thanks to the power of online casinos, you can lay on your couch, bet as you wish and cry your heart out. Bet big, bet loud or go home, that’s the mantra every online gamer should live by.

You Can Gamble on the Loo

 

12911853285_f4becb8fc8_z
Where’s the most inappropriate place you can gamble? Well that all depends on how depraved you are. Online operators like 32Red, Casino Euro and Mr. Smith all have dedicated mobile platforms which means you can deposit and play whenever and wherever you like.
In our minds that means betting on the bog, but you could literally take this newfound mobility to any extreme you like and bet on the roof of your house, on the bus or even during a boring meeting at work.
Basically, when it comes to it, online gambling is a better way to bet and people know this. Regardless of why people ante-up in the virtual arena, the fact is that they do and this means a general increase in gambling as a whole across Asia and, moreover, the world.

Share

Posted in Biz News, World News0 Comments

Ireland: Reproductive Agency is One Thing, Intrusive Meddling is Another!

Ireland: Reproductive Agency is One Thing, Intrusive Meddling is Another!

Some may feel yesterday’s piece on Amnesty International, abortion, and Ireland is flippant. I can certainly see why people might think that; but I am 100% unapologetic. However, I will now speak in a less polemical and satirical manner, and weaponize a more prosaic tone against Big Human Rights.

It might seem churlish to sneer at the ‘humanitarian interventionism’ Amnesty International is perpetrating against Irish people of all identities. ‘After all,’ some might say, ‘Isn’t your postcolonial angle a minor distraction from the most important thing, which is the rights of women, and the necessity to reform the laws in a direction that respects women’s bodily autonomy and right to reproductive agency?’ Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Serious Commentary0 Comments

Dear England: You Can Support Abortion Availability Without Being An Imperialist

Dear England: You Can Support Abortion Availability Without Being An Imperialist

Amnesty International has tried to save more people from ourselves (this time, Irish people), with its campaigning on Ireland’s abortion laws.

Of course, the situation for women in Ireland, north or south, is not perfect. But there is no excuse whatsoever for taking up the white man’s burden against Ireland; no matter how just or unjust the laws may be in Ireland, whether North or South.

No one need deny that the question of how to ensure more freedom and equality for women is an important issue in any country. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Serious Commentary0 Comments

Uncritical Pro AND Anti Immigration Stances? Sentiment, not Reality

Uncritical Pro AND Anti Immigration Stances? Sentiment, not Reality

Just have a look at my comment below, for an article on the site of the publisher Verso Books:

http://www.versobooks.com/blogs/2679-the-hegemonic-powers-of-the-eu-have-gone-one-step-too-far-on-governing-borders-and-the-right-to-move

Immigration is nothing to do with the question of deserving or not deserving this or that. Immigration is an entitlement, a legal provision; to confuse entitlements with desert is to confound a legal category with a morally charged ethical notion.

I further add: Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Serious Commentary, World News2 Comments

Roll over Romney: Paypal Think ‘Professional Services are Merchandise!’

Roll over Romney: Paypal Think ‘Professional Services are Merchandise!’

Yesterday Brian talked about his experiences with Paypal.

I recently had wages (i.e. not a small article commission) delayed for weeks. I was unhappy to hear that they can even upgrade the delay to 180 days, if they want!

(Fortunately, they didn’t. But that’s hardly the point!)

I’ve been searching the internet, and it seems that there are innumerable complaints about Paypal. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Biz News0 Comments

Even casual PayPal users vexed by PayPal’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad customer service

Even casual PayPal users vexed by PayPal’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad customer service

I’ve been a PayPal user for ages. If you mistake them for a bank, you do so at your peril, because they charge the highest fees, offer the lowest interest of all (zero, for the curious), and getting customer service is like trying to explain a card trick to Comcast over the phone.

Did I mention they are awful? Well, they are, and I’ll tell you why: Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Biz News, Technology3 Comments

30 Good Excuses for Tony Blair After Chilcot

30 Good Excuses for Tony Blair After Chilcot

1. It was all John Major’s fault.

2. It was all Saddam Hussein’s fault.

3. Divine intervention (more or less the right kind). Continue Reading

Share

Posted in War Zone, World News0 Comments

The Night Before Chilcot (A Poem for the Children)

The Night Before Chilcot (A Poem for the Children)

Twas the night before Chilcot, when all through the nation
The people were pondering the Iraq abomination
Our hopes were all pinned to a gallows in London
Our desire was that Chilcot would damn, with abundance! Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Kidz Zone, War Zone, World News0 Comments

Blair/Corbyn Pre-Chilcot ‘Worthy Fluff’ War Bores Living Shite out of UK

Blair/Corbyn Pre-Chilcot ‘Worthy Fluff’ War Bores Living Shite out of UK

Notable public figure and achingly dynamic charisma-dripper Anthony ‘Phony Tony’ Blair has recently take the time and effort to patiently educate his arrogant, bigoted, pleb scum enemies where they are going wrong…

Why, I just have no idea why these stuck up, racist, nationalist, isolationist bigots worry about thousands or dead Iraqis when Tony Blair actually had REALLY, REALLY GOOD INTENTIONS! Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Top Stories, World News0 Comments

John Kerry/EU: You’re Gonna Make me Verbose When You Go

John Kerry/EU: You’re Gonna Make me Verbose When You Go

John Kerry has issued a (somewhat) heartfelt and (entirely) disinterested plea for Europe to stay in the EU.

But somehow, his customary shine, polish and wide-eyed eloquence of a typical well-beloved fairly center-leaning Secretary of State has temporarily deserted him. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter

Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter

[Author’s Note: Glossy News’ Tim Jones was granted an exclusive interview with Donald Trump. He asked the Republican presidential nominee how he could still be running neck and neck with Hillary Clinton despite his repeated instances of inflammatory rhetoric and offensive remarks.]

Glossy News: Good afternoon, Mr. Trump. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: My pleasure. Let’s Make America Great Again. Would you like one of my baseball caps?

GN: I’m good. Thanks. Mr. Trump, the latest Quinnipiac poll shows you just two percentage points behind your Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton. How do you explain that you are running neck and neck –

Trump: I prefer to say ‘I’m breathing down her neck.’ Sexy, eh?

GN: Ahem, yes, well, how do you explain your continued success, given the endless list of offensive comments you have made about Mexicans, Muslims, women, gays, and other minority groups?

Trump: You left out people with disabilities.

GN: Oh right, yes, them as well. How is it that, despite all that, you’re still in a virtual dead heat for the presidential election?

Trump: Beats the Hell out of me. Wish I could explain it. Every day, I huddle with my advisors to strategize about how I can submarine my chances, but it seems no matter what I come up with, my poll numbers stay strong.

GN: I’m sorry. Did I hear you correctly? Are you saying you don’t actually want to be president?

Trump: Are you kidding me? What kind of idiot would want the worst job in the world? As president, no matter what you say or do, some knucklehead will attack you for being anti-American or a Muslim sympathizer or a loser – just like I do about Obama every chance I get.

GN: So you really don’t want to be president?

Trump: In my worst nightmares! Why else do you think I said John McCain wasn’t a real war hero? Why on earth would I say Mexicans are rapists or refuse to disavow a notorious racist like David Duke? I’ve done everything I can to lose this election. Nothing seems to work. I was sure my comment in the debates about the size of my penis would end my chances then and there, but nope. People loved it. Especially women. Go figure.

GN: So, help me understand, Mr. Trump. If you don’t want to be our next president, why on earth are you running?

Trump: It’s all about the brand. If you think the Trump brand was big before, that’s nothing compared to my brand now. Mine is the most famous name on the planet. I’m YUUUGE! The media can’t get enough of me. No matter what I say, I keep attracting more followers. Can I tell you about Trump University?

GN: Maybe another time. So it’s all about the Trump brand. Nothing else?

Trump: Bingo. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love this country. Where else could I make billions of dollars simply by running for President and posting tweets from my hotel room. Nobody is better at marketing than Donald J. Trump. But to your point, nobody wants Hillary to win more than I do. Trust me. Here, have a baseball cap.

GN: Thank you again, but really, I’m good. And speaking of your Make America Great Again caps, aren’t they made in China?

Trump: Yes. To be more specific, in child-labor sweat shops. You’d think people would get upset about that, but they just don’t seem to care. They tell me “Way to go, Donald, for helping all those poor kids find jobs.”

GN: So what else are you trying to ensure you lose the election?

Trump: I’m constantly brainstorming with my senior campaign staff to conceive even more offensive statements to tank my campaign.

GN: Mind sharing a few?

Trump: Sure. Last week, we came up with what I thought was a brlliant idea. I tweeted out, “Ronald Reagan was a closet homosexual.” I figured it would outrage lifelong Republicans.

GN: Wow! Did it help?

Trump - losing the election - Finger pointingTrump: Nope. My poll numbers went up four percentage points. One person tweeted, and I quote, “I find Mr. Trump’s comments about our greatest president deeply disturbing. And yet, I find his words oddly appealing and heartfelt.”

GN: That must keep you up at night.

Trump: Tell me about it. A few days later, I tweeted, “Teenage girls are super-hot. If elected, I’ll make it legal to have sex with girls under 18.”

GN: Ouch. Pretty offensive, that’s for sure. What happened?

Trump: On the bright side, my support among women dropped by two percent. But my support from white men over 30 surged by 12%. I can’t win. I mean, I can’t lose – no matter how hard I try.

GN: So are you concerned you might actually win?

Trump: I’m starting to be, yes. I’ve worked extremely hard to attain the worst approval ratings of any presidential candidate in history. I currently have an unheard of 70% unfavorable rating! And yet, yesterday, in a CNN interview with Wolf Blitzer, who is Jewish by the way, I said “I love the Jews. Love their matzah bread. But why are all of you such cheap tightwads?”

VFTB: Okay, I’ll bite. What happened?

Trump: My approval ratings among Jewish voters went up five points.

VFTB: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an uncle who is really tight with his money.”

GN: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an aunt who is really tight with her money. And would it hurt her to get a nose job? She sure has the money.”

GN: So what are you going to do about it?

Trump: Clearly I need to up my game. I’m working on a tweet for tomorrow about how we should allow any kid over the age of seven to carry an assault weapon to school for protection. That should send the gun control wing nuts over the edge. I also plan to announce next week that I’ve narrowed down my list of possible VP candidates to Pee Wee Herman and Charlie Sheen. If that doesn’t work, my Hail Mary fallback plan is to tweet that Jesus was the Antichrist.

GN: That’s highly offensive. Good luck with that. But I have to ask, Mr. Trump, given that no matter how outrageous your remark, it doesn’t seem to hurt your poll numbers, have you thought about what you’ll do if you actually win the election next November?

Trump: God forbid I’m elected, I would immediately move to impeach myself.

GN: On what grounds?

Trump: I was thinking of having three-way sex in the Oval Office with Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin and posting a live feed of it and breaking into an episode of Sesame Street.

GN: Good luck with that. Thank you for your time.

Trump: It was my pleasure. Make America Great Again. Wanna have a hat?

GN: Um, sure. Why not. Thank you.

Share

Posted in Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

The Remain & Leave Campaigns Have Been Vile. Let’s Move Forward & Get Down to Business

The Remain & Leave Campaigns Have Been Vile. Let’s Move Forward & Get Down to Business

The referendum result has already been known for a while in the UK. The economy has taken a hit, for now.

Both sides have behaved appallingly. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Serious Commentary, Top Stories, World News0 Comments

BREAKING NEWS: USA Votes to Leave North America

BREAKING NEWS: USA Votes to Leave North America

(Washington, D.C.) In the wake of Great Britain’s recent populist-led decision to leave the European Union, momentum gathered quickly for the United States to follow suit. In a flurry of referendum-lobbying activity, spurred on primarily by Donald Trump and his vocal supporters, citizens went to the polls yesterday, and in one of the closest margins in history – 50.1% to 49.9% – voted officially to exit the continent of North America.

The “AMEXIT” decision, as it is being called, has stunned global leaders, who, while fearful of other European nations following Britain’s lead, had no idea it might incite the United States to do the same. When asked to comment on the decision, President Obama, clearly agitated and confused, held a brief press conference in which he opined, “How did this happen? This will be disastrous for our country. Are we a nation of idiots?”

Upon learning that the United States had decided to withdraw from the continent, Donald Trump tweeted, “We are making America, I mean, the United States, great again. No longer under the thumb of the oppressive North American dictatorship.”

Political experts are unclear what the impact of the United States’ withdrawal will be, starting with what to call the country moving forward, since as one political observer pointed out, “Well, it’s obviously no longer the United States OF AMERICA, is it?” So far, none of the proposed new names have garnered much support, including: “The country formerly known as the United States of America,” and “The United States of It’s None of Your Business.” Others have suggested discarding the USA brand completely and simply calling the nation “Trumpistan.”

The Dow Jones plummeted more than 9,000 points in the opening 20 minutes of trading after the news. In more bad news for the economy, the U.S. dollar lost 35% of its value by the end of trading, causing a panic among investors. Many financial experts believe a deep economic depression on par with the 1929 crash is inevitable. On the positive side, Mr. Trump argued that this was actually great news for the country, saying, “Why is everybody freaking out? This will be incredible for tourism. People from Europe and even CHINA will visit our country and buy a lot more stuff and spend tons of money at Trump hotels and resorts, now that everything is so cheap for them.”

It’s unclear exactly what drove the sudden push to exit North America. When asked why they voted to secede, pro-AMEXITers gave a variety of vague responses often supported by confusing reasoning. Ned Moronovitch of Biloxi, Mississippi explained, “I want my country back. I’m sick and tired of having to do whatever North America tells us to do. I’ve had enough!” When it was pointed out that the continent of North America doesn’t actually have any control over the decisions of the United States, Moronovitch replied, “You sound like a communist. Are you a commie?”

AMEXIT - Trump rallyAnother AMEXIT supporter, Darlene Lemming, of Murfreesboro, Arkansas, passionately defended her vote, saying, “I refuse to sit here and just let any old Mexican, Guatemalan or Canadian walk across my border to take my job – without even having to show a passport.” When it was explained to her that they can’t actually do that, and that it’s not like the open borders of the European Union, Ms. Lemming replied, “Oh yeah? Well that’s not what my cousin Buford says. He says the Mexican murderers are taking over our country so we have to stop that.”

Still another AMEXIT supporter, Jeb Haitemahl, from Spartanburg, South Carolina, argued forcefully that this move was long overdue: “It’s about time. Let’s make the USA great again.” When pressed for details as to how this would make the USA great, Haitemahl simply said, “Well, I heard that Hillary was a North American, so now she can’t run for president – which is great by me! I sure hope we build that wall on our northern and western borders too!”

An interesting perspective on a reason to back the LEAVE vote came from Bert Nottaclew, of Nome, Alaska, who said, “I’m sick of having to be stuck up here in snowy, cold North America. I can’t wait for this great country to get outta Dodge and move some place warmer. Do you think they might move the country to the Caribbean? That would be fricken’ awesome!”

The domestic and global implications of the separation are as yet unclear. For example, experts are debating whether this vote might create the long-sought opportunity to finally kick out Texas. It is anticipated that the North American withdrawal process will create scores of logistical headaches as government agencies scramble to figure out exactly what this decision means.

Senior administration officials express concern that there are no provisions in federal statutes, case law or the Constitution itself to provide guidance as to how to leave a continent. In more hopeful news, Donald Trump has indicated that he knows exactly how to do it and has an amazing plan, promising that the resulting new nation will be a YUGE improvement. But so far details of his plan have not been released.

Shortly after the decision to exit North America, Google announced that the top two internet searches in the first 24 hours after the vote were “What is North America?” and “Am I an idiot?”

Share

Posted in Making Headlines, Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

Page 1 of 12412345...102030...Last »
Glossy News Podcast



(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)


Glossy News Fake Commercials!





Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Visit the “Old Version” of our Site

     
Still want more? Find thousands of buried satirical gems in our archives on the old version of Glossy News!

Check This Out!

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)



All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial