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Recount On Already Controversial Presidential Election Because Of Illegal Zombie Votes

Recount On Already Controversial Presidential Election Because Of Illegal Zombie Votes

A recount has been demanded on the already scandalous Bush/Gore 2000 Presidential election by Democrats because it has been discovered that illegal zombies have been allowed to vote.

Apparently in their over-exuberance to get people out to vote Republican campaigners accidentally (or, perhaps intentionally as the Left insists) signed up the living dead.

Being dead, zombies, as with most dead, can not legally vote. Also it is difficult to distinguish many Republicans from the dead to begin with. Continue Reading

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Wolfe Wrong, You Can Go Home Again, and It’s Probably Time

Wolfe Wrong, You Can Go Home Again, and It’s Probably Time

According to the title of the Thomas Wolfe novel, you can’t go home again.

But it looks like Lebron James is going to prove that saying wrong as he happily returns to the site of his first professional basketball success: Cleveland, Ohio.

More importantly, Mr. James has apparently inspired others to follow suit:

George W. Bush

Against all odds, it looks like America’s 43rd president is going to move back to Washington, D. C.

“Frankly, I didn’t think I’d ever want to go back to that godawful city,” said Mr. Bush.

“But Lebron has showed me the error of my ways. If the folks of Cleveland can forgive him and welcome him back with open arms, surely the good citizens of Washington will cheer my return.”

However, it looks as if Mr. Bush’s plans for a triumphant return have been put on hold by the Secret Service who have some minor concerns for their former boss’s safety.

Hillary Clinton

The former first lady made The White House her home for eight years but she hasn’t lived there for almost the last fourteen.

Despite that long absence and some not-so-pleasant memories, it looks like she’s decided to move back in.

“I can’t say that it doesn’t pain me to think about my husband’s infidelities in The Oval Office,” said Mrs. Clinton. “But I figure the best way to deal with those memories is to make new memories of my own.”

Mrs. Clinton is planning on a January 20, 2017 return although there are a number of Republicans and even a few Democrats who may have a say in the matter.

Dick Cheney

Mr. Cheney has surprised everyone with his recent decision to pay a return visit to Baghdad.

The former vice president is hoping for the same combination of forgiveness and joy that Lebron James is seeking in Cleveland.

“I always said that we’d be greeted as liberators,” said Mr. Cheney. “And I figure it’s time to finally prove my point.”

Unfortunately, due to the constant outbreak of fighting between various factions throughout Iraq, Cheney’s triumphant return visit to Baghdad will have to be postponed until shortly after hell freezes over.

Barack Obama

America’s current president is well into his second term and is experiencing symptoms commonly afflicting handicapped waterfowl.

Although he is obliged to serve out the remainder of his term, it appears that he would much prefer to be going home which in this case is the city of Chicago.

“Frankly, I don’t think I’m very useful in Washington,” said Mr. Obama. “Except possibly to make Tea Party Republicans see red. So if nobody really minds too much, I’d like to get back to Chicago.”

Even with the recent raft of shootings in the Windy City, the president figures he’ll still be safer living there than in Washington.

Sarah Palin

The half-term Alaska governor and unsuccessful vice presidential candidate is often mentioned as a possible Republican presidential contender for the 2016 election. Although Ms. Palin never explicitly disavows that possibility, there always seems to be some reluctance to run on her part.

“Honestly, I’m not sure I want to keep up this political life,” said Palin. “And now that Lebron has shown me the way, I think I’d just rather head back home to Alaska.” That may not be as easy as it sounds, however, as it looks like Alaska may not want her back.

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“Yucky World” w/Dick and Janey: Presidential Bowing Policy

“Yucky World” w/Dick and Janey: Presidential Bowing Policy

Announcer: With Dick and Janey on vacation this week, we will be rerunning an earlier interview with Mr. J. Foghill Bottom, the State Department’s resident specialist on diplomatic etiquette.

Because President Obama was criticized early in his presidency for bowing to foreign royalty, this interview was an attempt to find out what exactly is U.S. policy on presidential bowing.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. Bottom.

Dick: Or, to put it a little more in the vernacular: Bottom’s up! Continue Reading

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The Republican Three-Ring Circus of Sub-Partisan Freaks

The Republican Three-Ring Circus of Sub-Partisan Freaks

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, welcome under the Republican big top and prepare to be entertained by the incredible performers of Boehner Brothers (formerly Hastert & Boehner), America’s premier political circus. I’m John Boehner, your ringmaster for tonight.

Unlike other political circuses, we don’t just present one show at a time. We are a full, three-ring operation. That means no matter where you turn your head, there’s an amazing performance you just won’t be able to look away from. Continue Reading

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Impoverished Citizens Fail to Speak up for the Billionaires

Impoverished Citizens Fail to Speak up for the Billionaires

This is the face of Donald Sterling who lost his NBA basketball team. And those are the brothers Koch; Charles and David, who spend most of their money trying to help others with no thought of benefit for themselves. So gracious.

These three men belong to one of America’s fastest growing disadvantaged groups: disadvantaged billionaires.

Fifty years ago, there were only dozens of these unfortunate souls. But now there are hundreds and because their numbers continue to grow, they desperately need our help. Continue Reading

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Republicans Message to Minorities: “We Cool, Right?”

Republicans Message to Minorities: “We Cool, Right?”

“…Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chairman, has begun an effort to attract more African-American voters…”
– The New York Times – August 12, 2014

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Republican incumbents and potential candidates

FROM: Reince Priebus

Hey! Wassup? It’s time we get down with our black brothers and sisters if we ever hope to gain full power in Washington again. Continue Reading

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David Duke “Clarifies” Anti-Semitic Comments

David Duke “Clarifies” Anti-Semitic Comments

Famously-allegedly-ish “non-racist™” White supremacist; oh sorry, how un-PC; I meant achingly conspicuous “racial realist™” David Duke has popped out (sorry, popped up) once again.

Yes, His Most Exalted Ideological Hipsterness has recently expressed what he calls his “utmost sincere contrition and regret” for a despicable comment he made in a TV interview.

Surprising, huh? Well, kein Scheisse!…

Fox TV viewers were horrified to hear The Most Hazardous Duke Of All™ speak of New York as “Jew York City.”

Well, I say horrified; others were overjoyed, such as the Hardcore-Leftie-Euroweenie/BDSM-Campaign-loving-overgrown/undergrown-student-activist/SJW-Fox-viewing-contingent.

Still, upon Bill O’Reilly roaring at him that choice of words was an extremely offensive right-wing microaggression and obviously racist, Duke appeared visibly shaken and almost at the point of tears.

Admittedly, this might have been more to do with getting a severe hard-left verbal pounding from Bill-O than with any sincere recognition of his own wrongdoing.

Still, the flamboyantly callous, former Exalted-Kexalted-Decepticon-Klepticon™ of the KKK has since “explained” and “apologized” in what reads (at least to his ubiquitous and irritatingly PC haters™, as the Man-from-the-Klan calls them) as a surprisingly flustered, rambling, and incoherent statement:

I am absolutely overcome with the sincerest and utmost remorse for my inexcusable and thoughtless words, and do so very humbly beg forgiveness from my fellow Americans who are Jewish, and who are also my beloved compatriots.

Yes, I am trained as a scholar, my name is DOCTOR David Duke™, remember the first of these three words, oh do ye remember them, my brethren!

Why a scholar? Huh? Yeah yeah yeah, well, this is really relevant, I mean you ought to know that all my writings are based on my mind making quick-fire connections between this and that…

Highly relevant, yeah, because I am afraid that when I made my somewhat insensitive or careless comments (albeit ones maliciously and deviously distorted by malign subaltern forces that I shall not name in this context), I inexcusably let my guard down; only because I had my sociologist hat on.

Yes, brothers and sisters: that is the connection I want your brain to make, don’t worry about plausibility or coherence, just make the connection. Yaa… ooga-booga-OOOOOOOOO-wap-pap-pop! KAK-KAK-KAK-KLEPZ-ZOOBA-KLAK, OI! Three times is charmed!…

Anyway, witchery aside, when I said the words maliciously and falsely attributed to me by the highly regulated, bureaucratically encumbered, and excessively-non-autonomous-and-subjectively-manipulated mainstream media™…

Well, I merely intended to make a purely objective, value-free, positivistic, demographic observation™. I mean, there’s a lot of Jewish people living in New York, right? That’s what I was trying to say, that’s all…

I mean, I actually love the Jews™! I’m no bigot, because I have the complete works of Bob Dylan™; all 580 discs! How many so-called “pro-Jewish Americans” can say that?

Oh and by the way, in case you were wondering, I just love Leonard Cohen. He’s made a simply astonishing contribution to our common cultural prosperity…

His melodies convey a poignant reminder that we are but dust, mere strangers passing through a desert land not our home; casting a tender sheen of ambiguity and long-forgotten memories over the fountainous bower of Our Common Humanity.

But Cohen himself retorts:

“Oh, sure! That old canard again about his music collection. So predictable! I mean, it will take more than a few dusty music LPs to prove that this man is not a bigot. He’s a symbol of hatred. And I bet you my very last Marianne that he can’t sing for shit.”

I concoct a transcript of Cohen’s side of the rap-off, and bring it to His Most Exalted Vanillaness. He appears unimpressed, as he glumly toys with his organic, low-fat frozen yoghurt…:

“Ok, well, maybe I don’t like that Cohen boy so much after all. Haters gonna hate. But Bob Dylan is still my favourite singer of all.”

Wowee!… Nothing like shifting the goalposts, huh Dave?

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Kim Jong Takes Un Step Toward Hollywood

Kim Jong Takes Un Step Toward Hollywood

TO: My dear subjects

FROM: Your Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-un

I want to apologize for not informing you of my whereabouts for almost six weeks this past fall and causing you undue heartache and concern but, of course, I cannot.

As I am infallible, apology is not an option for me and I must therefore gently chide you, my children, for needlessly worrying about my brief absence. Continue Reading

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Posted in Strange People, World News1 Comment

Man Starts Kickstarter Campaign  to Support Kickstarter Campaigns

Man Starts Kickstarter Campaign to Support Kickstarter Campaigns

Jacob Nastroni doesn’t consider himself an ideas man, but he has at least one he’s putting to the test:

“There are a lot of different Kickstarter projects that I’d love to get behind, but unfortunately I just don’t have the financial means to really get behind them,” says the aspiring venture capitalist.

“I really like seeing the entrepreneurial spirit some of these people have, and, if I’m honest about it, more than a little jealous.” Continue Reading

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Entire International Community Fits/Meets Inside Tiny Beltway Café

Entire International Community Fits/Meets Inside Tiny Beltway Café

Recently, the entire International Community™ met together in a miniscule Beltway Café in Washington.

Obviously, this vast group agreed unanimously and without exception concerning all the Matters of Grave Common Concern™ that are of importance to Our Common Humanity..™

And, needless to say, they conclusively resolved all of the pressing issues that are of crucial importance to sustaining our current and eternal Flourishing, Democratic Global Order of Mutual Prosperity™.

Still, the café owner was initially wary of this most inestimable privilege.

“I mean, I was thinking to myself, 6 to 7 billion people is a tough call. We get kind of busy sometimes, but my place only seats about 20 people.

“Still, when I found out that the international community only has about a dozen members, I found that we could easily accommodate them; hell, we could probably fit in the various International Communities of an entire solar system, at a push!”

One top Rep Hawk told me:

“It’s great that we have only 13 people here; and we’re pretty democratic and egalitarian about it… you know, within reason. I mean: 6 reps who love America, 6 dems who kinda don’t hate America THAT much, and a token Brit from one of those pissy Euroweenie countries that keep bothering us, whatever that place is called.”

A top Dem Hawk interjected:

“Hey, you’re wrong, that 13th guy, whatever-his-name is, he’s actually ok! We have a special relationship with him, and he does everything we tell him to do, without the slightest murmur of complaint. I mean, when we met in the café, we just doped him up on a BYOB of champagne, and he just sat there and grinned at us the whole time, without saying a a word.”

I asked if just 13 was a bit exclusive.

His most exalted Demnibleness replied:

“Not really; I mean there were a few Chinese guys and motley Orientals and other foreigners who kept hollering and trying to break down the door. Uncultured savages. I mean, any TRUE left-wing person wouldn’t behave like those hooligans, right?”

And his most exalted Reptasticness told me:

“You think that was a problem? Remember when those goddamn dirty Arabs tried to join us? Oh God, and their smell! Seriously! And now you have all those filthy pinko liberals and pinko libertarians (what’s the difference, anyways?!) who want us to let these kind of people join our club?

“I mean, these idiots are literally worse than Hitler and Nancy Pelosi combined!”

Meanwhile, rumors persist that Somewhere Down There South of the Border™, a new complex of tequila places and internationally themed restaurants and cafes is being built, which will be able to accommodate a large number of people from almost 200 countries.

Worse still, the presumptuous provision of various communicative devices, media centers, and grass-roots research teams with compulsory investigation sabbaticals, will enable representatives to keep in touch with their own citizens; so that they don’t end up presumptuously speaking for everyone in their own country.

According to a highly disturbing rumor, the people behind this despicable and dastardly scheme wish to set up a rival International Community; one that (scandalously and unforgivably) will not be made up purely of a few top Rep and Dem hawks.

When I mentioned this, the entire International Community roared in unison:

“It’ll never work!”

One told me, trembling with trepidation, terror, and a slight overdose of crystal meth:

“I mean, let’s not be dogmatic about this. Like, at a push, maybe we can let in another one or two token Euroweenies. But the problem is, these guys are supposed to be our friends; and friends always respect each other and help each other and act in a cooperative manner.”

Another added, hurling down his needle in despair and fury:

“Yeah, but OBVIOUSLY, the problem with these socialist Euroweenie bastards is that they just don’t get that side of it. They just NEVER do what we say. What kind of friendship is that? I mean, if they don’t keep their side of the bargain, why should we? Free contract, my ass!”

I wanted to ask number 13 what he thought about this, but I think by this stage, he had passed out from an excess of champagne and (naturally) from an excess of tokenistic “appreciation” and “respect” from the entire International Community.

Then again, as the saying goes: “If the whole world hates you, think again. And if the whole world loves you, think again.”

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Ailing John Kerry Combats Mainstream Logic

Ailing John Kerry Combats Mainstream Logic

The entire International Community™ (all ten or so individuals!) have been suddenly cast adrift without guidance and enlightenment…

No, it’s not, as you mighta thought, that Fox’s Glenn Beck and his MSNBC haters have hung up their microphones, leaving the entire global policy world in eternal darkness.

Nah! It’s just that John Kerry is taking a reasonably adequate break™; he’s currently in recovery from severe brain-fry. Continue Reading

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Remember All that Voter Fraud? The Real Numbers Surprised Us

Remember All that Voter Fraud? The Real Numbers Surprised Us

It is easy to grab headlines with a lurid claim –“TENS OF THOUSANDS MAY BE VOTING ILLEGALLY!”– but the follow-up, when any exists – is not usually deemed newsworthy. – From “The Truth About Voter Fraud” by the Brennan Center for Justice.

This is an attempt by guest writer Flantabulous to compile all ‘those non-newsworthy follow-ups’. Continue Reading

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Obama’s “lame” Supreme Court ploy?

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Obama’s “lame” Supreme Court ploy?

Announcer: As we’re all aware, a president’s appointment of a Supreme Court judge is subject to the approval of the Senate. If the Republicans gain control of the Senate in November, and, if, as a result, Justice Ginsburg decides to retire, that would give President Obama one last chance to appoint a Supreme Court judge and have the appointment approved by the “Lame Duck” Democrats. To give us some perspective on this issue, Dick and Janey’s guest today on “Yucky World” will be noted political commentator “Scoop” Pooper.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. Pooper!

Dick: Hi, Scoopedoo!

Scoop: Sometimes I wonder why I appear on this show.

Dick: Where else could you talk about lame ducks!

Scoop: I’m more worried about lame brains.

Dick: Man, I really feel sorry for those poor ducks.

Scoop: Not half as sorry as I feel for your audience.

Janey: Scoop, let’s get right to the issue. What’s the key quality President Obama is looking for in a Supreme Court nominee?

Scoop: An inability to read what the Constitution says.

Dick: Huh? Why would Obama want to appoint a judge with reading problems?

Scoop: Why not? We’ve had lots of ‘em already!

Janey: I can’t believe that. How could they get through law school?

Dick: Maybe they had Obama for their professor.

Janey: How about giving us an example.

Scoop: No problem. We’ve seen a lot of rulings involving the right to privacy. Now, when you read the Constitution, you can’t find that right anywhere.

Janey: Not specifically, but it’s based on the Fourth Amendment’s illegal search and seizure clause.

Scoop: Yes, but it was somehow used as the basis for the right to an abortion which is no where in the Constitution. In fact, up until 1973, it was a power of the states.

Janey: So?

Scoop: So, the Tenth Amendment says, “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.” The regulation of abortion should be a reserved power of the states.

Dick: But doesn’t their ruling on assisted suicide actually contradict their abortion ruling?

Scoop: Exactly! Like abortion, there’s not one word in the Constitution about assisted suicide. And it certainly qualifies as a privacy issue of a personal choice to be made between the patient and doctor.

Janey: But their ruling said that it was up to the states: Michigan has outlawed assisted suicide while it’s legal in Oregon.

Scoop: Correct! They contradicted themselves.

Janey: Then aren’t you really arguing for a strict interpretation of the Constitution?

Scoop: No! I’m arguing for a proper reading of the Constitution.

Dick: Yeah, but I thought the Supreme Court’s job was to interpret the Constitution, to tell us what it means.

Scoop: That’s the problem. You won’t find the word “interpret” in the Constitution. In reading class, understanding what you’ve read is called comprehension, not interpretation. You can interpret a poem; give it your own meaning, but not a constitution. It has to be comprehended, then explained—not interpreted.

Janey: But how does this apply to the fight over Supreme Court nominees?

Scoop: Obama wants a judge who will spend most of his or her time reading between the lines instead of reading what the Constitution actually says.

Janey: What’s between the lines?

Scoop: The right to an abortion.

Dick: So President Obama needs to nominate a judge who has reading problems?

Scoop: Exactly! He wants a judge who can find a “right” like abortion in the Constitution—even if it’s not there.

Janey: Well, why don’t they just do it the proper way and add a constitutional amendment for the right to an abortion?

Scoop: This way’s easier—especially when you’ve never had the votes to get an amendment adopted.

Dick: But where could Obama find a judge with reading problems?

Scoop: Kansas!

Janey: Kansas?

Scoop: Specifically, the Kansas State Supreme Court. They just let the Democratic candidate for the Senate withdraw even though state law says you can only withdraw for two reasons: if you’re dead (he’s not) or if you’re incapable of fulfilling the duties of the office (but the ex-Democratic candidate is still fulfilling the duties of district attorney).

Janey: Why did they do that?

Scoop: So the independent senate candidate would have a better chance of beating the Republican and, if he wins, then he would caucus with the Democrats.

Dick: Somebody should tell Toto.

Janey: I’m not sure he’s in Kansas anymore.

Dick: Too bad! You know, I think I’ll go home and reread the Constitution.

Janey: Wow! Reread!! Thinking about becoming a Supreme Court judge?

Dick: Naw! According to the President’s reading standards, I’m probably overqualified.

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Busy Tech Execs Boost Productivity, Put Children On Ice

Busy Tech Execs Boost Productivity, Put Children On Ice

When LaShonda Martinez’s boss first offered to freeze her three-year-old son, the programmer was aghast. “I was all like, you want to do what? But then, once they explained themselves, I was all like, yeah, maybe.”

In light of recent benefits offered by tech giants Google and Facebook to freeze employees embryos, Washington-based Microsoft revealed that not only had they a similar policy in place, but that they would actually place already born babies and toddlers into suspended animation as to not interfere with their employee’s workloads. Continue Reading

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Israelis and Palestinians Finally Agree on Something… Unfortunately

Israelis and Palestinians Finally Agree on Something… Unfortunately

The UN Council, sick of the never ending strife in Israel between the Jews and the Arabs, came up with a novel idea for mediating a lasting truce. They employed Buddhists to act as peacekeepers.

The Buddhist faith, probably among the most peaceful of any of the earthly religions, emphasizes tolerance, good will and understanding as its most important virtues.

The UN high council members thought that having Buddhist monks watching over the two Mid-east enemies might bring about the long sought after peace that the area had lacked for the last 70 years. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Rep/Dem Hawks Approve “Moderate Islamist” Manifesto

Rep/Dem Hawks Approve “Moderate Islamist” Manifesto

Frustrated by what they perceive to be the dogmatism both of liberal or secular Muslims on the one hand, and hardcore political Islamists on the other, various factions of moderate political Islamism™ have released a joint solidarity statement.

The statement has met with widespread acclaim among UK Trotskyites, as well as moderate political Islamists themselves,..

Well, the latter are happy that a certain proportion of the Left are continuing to show solidarity in their eternal struggle against the public/private distinction, capitalism, and individual liberty.

Signatories (so far) include Erdogan and his party, the moderate dissidents in Syria, George Galloway’s Respect Party, and the Moderate Taliban™ (remember these guys?)

The statement runs as follows:

1. Islam is the only foundation of the state. No other political or religious ideologies may be permitted to exist within a moderate political Islamist state. This is absolutely non-negotiable, and anyone who raises the slightest objection is to be immediately liquidated, in the most brutal and savage manner possible.

2. Secular and liberal Muslims claim that gay people should be free from police persecution, and should have a wide array of civil liberties. God forbid! On the other hand, hardcore political Islamists wish to behead and stone homosexuals. This is also unacceptable.

A moderate political Islamist state will avoid both extremes, and merely give all homosexuals a life sentence, and ensure that none of their family members may attend university, or be permitted to serve in any political, police or military function.

3. Secular and liberal Muslims claim that what a woman does with her own vagina is her own damn business. God forbid! On the other hand, hardcore political Islamists wish to execute unchaste women in the most horrendous manner possible. This is also unacceptable.

A moderate political Islamist state will avoid both extremes, and merely beat these women in public, so that they will be forced to reflect on their depravity. Yet, offenders who repeatedly refuse to turn from the errors of their ways will be given a life sentence. (Please note how we are more lenient on our women than on homosexuals; women have tender feelings, and we must pity those who go astray).

4. Secular and liberal Muslims claim that full religious toleration and equality must be provided to Jews, Christians, and all the even more small and insignificant religious minorities, who are not worth mentioning here, and who in any case are not mentioned in the Quran. God forbid! On the other hand, hardcore political Islamists wish to liquidate anyone who does not accept Islam. This is also unacceptable.

A moderate political Islamist state will avoid both extremes, and thus we will permit non-Muslims to survive, provided they pay the jizya, and refrain from criticising Islam or committing any form of blasphemy whatsoever. Those who do presume to do so will be liquidated; but anyone who respects Islam may live. We must also ensure that those who do not convert to Islam are prevented from attaining high positions in the government, media, academic, police or military spheres.

Top Democratic and Republican warhawks are impressed with this statement. One Saviour of Our Common Humanity™ from one of the two main parties or other told me:

“You know, this is what we were hoping for all along. Now that we know who the real moderate defenders of freedom and liberty are, we can keep on fighting the REAL terrorists, like ISIS.”

And some guy from that other stupid party, whatever it’s called, said:

“Well, this will buy us a bit of time. We can approve this statement in public first; then, once we have dealt with ISIS, we can turn on the moderate political Islamists; you know, like we did with the Taliban and Saddam.”

Finally, Robert Fisk was unavailable for comment, as he was writing a tearful Tumblr post about the sad, sad, weepy world in which we live, and why can’t we all just live together in love and peace and acceptance.

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Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

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