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FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match”

FIFA Joins Forces with ISIS: “It’s a Perfect Match”

FIFA president Sepp Blatter insists that he’s not using a fake name, but he also swears his sworn alliance to ISIS is likewise legitimate.

FIFA and ISIS. One is a ruthless, soulless dictatorship that destroys everything in its path and the other is an Islamic terrorist organization. Continue Reading

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How Unemployment Really Works

How Unemployment Really Works

Derek in Accounts Payable was an excitable type, but only to a certain extent.

When he rounded the corner to speak to Jason, his boss, colleague and friend he was more excited than normal.

The fact that he kept his voice low to avoid others hearing was indicative that it was also something serious.

“I’ve got it Jason! It just came out of the blue and punched me in the eye!”

“What is it?” asked Jason noncommittally. He had been presented with many of Derek’s ‘ideas’ before and knew to take them with a grain of salt.

“It’s the answer to the unemployment crisis. It is so simple I can’t believe no one else thought of it before!”

Derek’s mouth corners dropped an imperceptive millimeter downward. “This is going to be a doozy.” he thought.

“Here it is in a nutshell,” Derek stated, “We have too many people on unemployment because of the recession. We don’t have enough funds to keep paying them off forever.

“And we have to make sure that the Unemployment Office itself doesn’t get downsized or closed so that we lose our higher than normal wages and good benefits that are paid for by the earnings of the normal workers.

“So what we do is make it so difficult to get on unemployment and so time consuming to deal with or so poorly paid out that the people applying for it either starve to death from low payments, go insane filling out forms and dealing with technicalities or give up in frustration and becomes homeless or kill themselves.

“It’s great! No matter what we come out on top and intact! What do you think?”

Jason was quiet for a moment, no emotion showing on his face. Suddenly he jumped up inspired.

“That’s a great idea Derek! Let’s put it into operation immediately! In fact, I’m going to email it to all the other State unemployment offices so they can do the same. Our jobs are saved! Hurray!” He then ran off down the hall to use the fax machine.

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part  4

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 4

9/12/2001 THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED (A serial book excerpt)

Previous installments –
After Flight 93 crashes into the White House on 9/11/2001 killing President Bush as was originally planned,
Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is taken to a secured location for protection.
From there he overseas the demolition of what remains of the Twin Towers. Continue Reading

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9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 3

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened – Part 3

9/12/2001 – The Days After The Unthinkable Happened

Prelude- On 9/11/2001 Flight 93 crashes into the White House as was originally planned. Dick Cheney, the Vice President, is taken to a secured location for protection.
– – – – – – – – – –

PART 3

The streets were quieting down. Traffic was a fraction of what it normally was. There was still the noise of everyday city life, but it was lessened, muted.

An apprehension lay in the air. The sky suddenly seemed much bigger now that one knew death could fly down from it. For the first time in two centuries a major attack had been launched on the bedrock of America and it had left major fractures in it. Continue Reading

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A Serial Ponytail Yanker’s Lasso of Truth Interview [Full Censored Transcript, 13 April 2015]

A Serial Ponytail Yanker’s Lasso of Truth Interview [Full Censored Transcript, 13 April 2015]

Caption Text Goes Here: Honest John: Under the influence of the Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth.

This shocking suppressed interview with the prime minister of the New Zealand realm, John Phillip Key (AKA ‘the Smiling Assassin’), delves deeper into the reasons underpinning the bullying of a waitress by the country’s leader. It was conducted by The New Zealand Herald’s editor, Shayne Currie, who had his ‘plumber mates’ break in to the world headquarters of Snoopman News Group to steal the most coveted treasure of the media world, Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth.

Snoopman News learned who was behind the break-in, because journalists can’t keep secrets. We confronted Currie, who disclosed that because his newspaper had the scoop on the story of New Zealand’s prime minister’s ponytail-pulling harassment, he said it was crucial to know the truth to better keep track of how it was going to be bent, since gossip columnist Rachel Glucina would create a warped narrative to protect the prime minister.

=====================

Shayne Currie:
I’ve read a draft of Amanda Bailey’s [the harassed waitress] account. She mentions the power disparity at play, wherein she is a waitress, and you’re the prime minister, with the protection of two body-guards and in the company of your wife on each of your visits to the Hip Group franchised café, Rosie. She asserts that after you’d pulled her ponytail on numerous occasions, and she’d made it clear by her body language that she didn’t like having her hair pulled, you continued to tug her ponytail. Why did you repeatedly pull waitress Amanda Bailey’s hair like a naughty three year-old?

steve2

Operation Ponytail: ‘The Ponytail Girl’ was used to to test a new political technique – Targeted Affection Encounters for Voter Capture (TAEVC).

John Key: [Chuckles] One reason is we’re experimenting with a new touchy-feely public relations model called Targeted Affection Encounters for Voter Capture (TAEVC), which takes the manipulation of politicians kissing babies to ‘next level’. As you know, National’s [Key’s political party] public relations firm is Crosby Textor. It’s a bit of an Anglo-Saxon political party favourite. Crosby Textor noticed I had a slight hair fetish, called Trichophilia, especially for young fillies, and they saw how we could exploit it by morphing it into the ‘Nice Guy Key’ Brand that we had manufactured for my political assent.

SC: So, Crosby Textor figured this new ‘stock in political-horse trade’ trick could make the Trichophilia appear like fatherly affection, care and attention?

steve3 JK: Exactly! It was genius.

A Fetish Outing: People thought it was wee bit weird

But didn’t realise this behaviour going ‘next level’.

But didn’t realise this behaviour going ‘next level’.

SC: But, how would the serial hair-pulling of a waitress help your political party’s re-election bid and beyond? I mean, the waitress claims that she became more direct with her brush-offs, and you then pretended it was your wife Bronagh doing the hair-pulling. Was that like a change of game plan to get ‘a rise’ [heighten the tension] out of her, so you could brag about it with your investment class supporters?

JK: Yep. The idea was that I’d push it into a public social setting, where I’d get more, more, more, you know, triple-more tipsy and brag about my antics-before and after-dark – for hours – because as Bill English has told journalists, I love to natter at length because I have a big ego.

SC: Let me get this straight. Brag to who exactly?

JK: Brag to National’s hardcore primary constituency, the big donors, who take ‘male entitlement’ as a given, since the term actually means boys and men expect women to serve and be submissive to jerks like us.

SC: But, why?

JK: My antics were signaling to male capitalists that I have the politics of the struggling working class firmly in hand.

This was especially important to do after getting the Employment Relations Amendment bill passed into law last year, which Bronagh and I needed to fire our house-cleaner because she did nothing around our thirteen million-dollar mansion, as I mentioned to the president of the New Zealand Council of Trade Unions Helen Kelly when she met me to express concerns over the employment bill.

So bragging about my ponytail pulling antics made my bad-ass reputation among the Male Entitlement Fraternity [or ‘the Old Boys Network’] shoot upward.

SC: So, the audience for the hair-tugging antics was like an inside track while the wider public crowd only saw the Nice Guy Key stuff.

JK: Yup. We dubbed it Split Enz. [Key guffawing and snorting]

SC: Mean. What about contingencies?

More Cat than Prime Minister: English comedian John Oliver mocks ‘no drama’ John Key for his creepy serial bullying.

More Cat than Prime Minister: English comedian John Oliver mocks ‘no drama’ John Key for his creepy serial bullying.

JK: If my hair-yanking antics went wrong, I’d have that triple-more tipsy cover-story and I could say ‘I was just horsing around’. [Extensive chuckling by both 11 year-old men]

IdealWorldKeyPonyTailHorse.png goes here

Caption Text Goes Here – Horsing Around: John Key’s public relations firm, Crosby Textor, likes cheesy puns.

SC: So, you’re saying National insiders and Crosby Textor conspired to target a waitress and harass her to the limit?

JK: Hell yes! We called it Operation Ponytail. We capitalists love to torment muggles and hobbits, because they actually have to work to survive, since over the last 10 centuries we’ve driven them off their native lands the world-over. [Currie sniggering and sounds of him scribbling notes]. That’s the story that J.K. Rowling and Peter Jackson have failed to tell in their epic sagas.

SC: Where was Bronagh [John Key’s wife] in all this?

JK: Bronagh would tell me to stop it and leave the poor girl alone. And then the waitress chick told my body-guards she’d ‘one day snap and punch me in the face.’ At a subsequent encounter, as I was settling the bill with an autographed cheque that I know they’ll never cash – like Dali used to do – and I approached ‘the ponytail girl’, making the Jaws theme tune, with my hands raised high like I was trying to ‘get a tug on’ [or yanking her hair]. She asked, “is it self defence, with your security here, if I have to physically stop you from touching me?” And I grinned my Smiling Assassin grin [Lengthy chuckling on BASF tape], and I countered, “defence against what?”, guffawed Key.

JK’s Apology Wine: Waitress says New Zealand’s PM gave her these bottles to feign sincerity.

JK’s Apology Wine: Waitress says New Zealand’s PM gave her these bottles to feign sincerity.

SC: That… sounds psychopathic. [Currie snickering, Key snorting]. So, you’re not concerned that this Ponytail scandal unravels Brand Key?

JK: Look, you know as well as I do that New Zealand’s mainstream media pull their punches when it comes to me and my pro-corporate party. The Parliamentary Press Corp are still under my spell since that time I charmed them with a cake I made on a flight aboard an Air Force Orion transporter to China in April 2013. The reef fish [parliament-beat reporters] contracted a variation of Stockholm Syndrome and behaved like five year-olds at a birthday party.They still feel weird about it when they brush their teeth.

SC: I mean, Nicky Hager’s book Dirty Politics exposed your political party’s two-track communications strategy, wherein your party machine manufactured your ‘Nice Guy’ persona, while the same machine outsourced dirty political attacks to right wing bloggers, with the complicity of the mainstream media.

JK: Yes. And your newspaper was complicit in that process Shayne, so stop trying to occupy the middle cross among ‘sinners’.

SC: And your political party pursued that two-track communications strategy knowing it would hurt left-wing political parties first because ‘lefty’ voters tend to have sissy feelings about everythi-

JK: Including the homo idea that politics ought to be fair, mature and above-board. Look, when we survived the Dirty Politics scandal through the last election campaign, our first thought was how do we capitalize on how zoned out the New Zealand population is and amplify it even more.

SC: Even for an ex-London and Wall Street banker, taking such risks seems out of proportion to the pay-off.

JK: Well, besides being an enormous amount of fun, you have to understand that New Zealand is treated like a lab by the rulers of the world, the Illuminati, who have an obsessive-compulsive disorder to embody the Cult of World Domination. The Illuminati have been variously identified over time as, the Fraternity, the Grid, and the Committee of 300 [They self-identify as the Olympiards, according to former MI6 agent, John Coleman].

steve8

Knowing his Place: Key didn’t dare tug on the royal ponytail of Princess Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge (AKA Kate Middleton) during the landlord’s inspection of the New Zealand realm in 2014.

 

SC: So, muggles and hobbits are conditioned to think it’s just conspiracy theory that there’s a group behind the curtain, like in The Wizard of Oz, manipulating events and steering the world along toward colliding crises?

JK: Pretty much. The movie The Usual Suspects, starring Kevin Spacey, is a cult-classic in the National party. We’ve taken the line, “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist”, as a mantra.

SC: [Sniggering] How do you avoid getting confused between what is true and the lies you fabricate?

JK: Awww look, you need to use the truth as your reference point for ‘managing the optics’. There’s no doubt about it, lying gets complicated without such reference points first being surveyed to maintain the inherent logic of the copies of reality being manufactured. That holds true for any practitioners of ‘speed politics’ who possess a significant command of resources, as scholar in International Law Eric Wilson argues in Crimes Against Reality.

SC: So, what is it with the hair fetish?

JK: To be honest, since you have me tied up and I feel weirdly compelled to tell the truth for once, Amanda has a very tantalising ponytail. I like it when girls wear ponytails because of the way their neck looks, especially when they have that neck hair that won’t reach into the ponytail. [Pause] My party’s public relations firm Crosby Textor told me to add, ‘I’m wondering if I’m a bit gay or something? Go figure!’ Because they said that would rebuild sympathy with female voters. New Zealanders are such sucker-luckers for my manufactured down-to-earth persona.

Trick or Trichophilia: Convincing the world he is Nice Guy Key since 2006.

Trick or Trichophilia: Convincing the world he is Nice Guy Key since 2006.

SC: I’m going to loosen the rope so you can be ‘a-large’ again.

[As the interview ends, sounds of Key caressing and sniffing the rope can be heard]

JK: Is the rope made of hemp, or horse-hair?

SC: Ponytail hair.

JK: Filly girl’s hair? [Sounding excited]

SC: It may be make-believe girl’s hair or make-real girl’s hair. Whatever optical fantasy you want it to be John. We’re all in this together.

JK: Neigh! [Sounds of Key scuffing his shoe on the carpet

steve9

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London Riots: Who are the REAL Orwellians?

London Riots: Who are the REAL Orwellians?

I offer my solidarity, support and comradeship to everyone who, like me, is pissed off at the Orwellian banner-waving moral crusaders who want to overturn a democratic vote.

(Disclaimer: I voted for the TUSC, so I hope a hundred and 68 radical trolls I’ve never had the good fortune of meeting don’t all pile on me at once).

To speak soberly (and with all due contempt for the Equivalence Police), looking at the public FB feed, some of it is like early 20th Century Russia or the Nuremberg rallies.

If they don’t like the result, fine; but no need to get all totalitarian and say a fair vote doesn’t count just because the (admittedly loathsome) Tories don’t fit their high moral standards…

So presumably the other parties are better, right? My arse. A corrupt gang of cynical warmongers versus a corrupt gang of cynical warmongers. Whatever.

In fairness, there are a lot of people of good character and integrity in Labour; but this is not reflected in the final fruits dished out by the Establishment “upper crust” within the party, as it were. No doubt, a lot of people still working for Labour or still voting for it feel betrayed that the party they have always loved has become (in terms of practical political results) a monstrosity, fully complicit with the status quo.

It would be very wrong to associate all Labour members and voters with the misdeeds of a proportion of the party. But sadly, the very fact that the people of good conscience are in such a terrible situation is itself a damning indictment of the status quo tendencies of the Labour Party.

Still, I’m not going to advocate making a counter-protest in favour of democracy and against people who want to overturn the vote…

It won’t be me because quite frankly, consorting with champagne anarchists is not my style. They are beneath my contempt. Unlike the self-righteous-war-memorial-defacing-anti-democratic-Blitzkriegers, I have a sense of priorities. The last thing people need is a counter-protest and the chaos that would inevitably cause.

Yes, the result was a disaster; so would any of the other possible alternatives.

So what’s so special about the Tories anyway? “Other than one particular corrupt and cynical party” doesn’t mean “better than one particular corrupt and cynical party.”

Actually, there’s something even more worrying than another Tory (or indeed Labour government).

It’s even more worrying that a mob of self-important, foxhunting-hating-but-McDonalds-munching, faux-proletarian-unreconstructed-Trotskyites/Bakuninites/Vulgar-Zinovievites/Acid-Buddha-Spiritual-Economists are descending like vultures upon the city when some of them probably didn’t even take the trouble to vote anyway.

Maybe guilt at not having voted is precisely what drives their rage?

I couldn’t possibly comment.

Oh, how fun it must be to have no responsibilities in life, no duties towards other people, only a nihilistic sense of one’s own grand importance in this cosmos.

Still, how many of them even support Labour anyway? I suspect close to zero. This is not being done in the name of Labour, but some vague, neo-con-worthy notion of Good versus Evil. I doubt many of these people support any mainstream party, although I’m certainly not going to go down and survey them about their enlightened opinions and allegiances, as I’ve got better things to do with my time.

So, it may be a bit rich of them to riot against an elected Tory government when they wouldn’t do so if Labour had been elected; but it’s also a bit rich of them to be rioting when many of them probably hate Labour anyway.

Yes: I am sure most Labour voters and members, like the vast majority of people in the UK, are sickened by this travesty of “social conscience.” I suspect hardly any Labour supporters or voters even support the riots; these “demonstrations” are not pro-Labour demonstrations, and are not even framed as such. They are not anti-Tory either, so much as anti-democracy, i.e. anti-voting.

Yes, the Tories are corrupt and cynical, it’s an old story. The vast majority in the UK have, if not accepted, at least acknowledged that the vote has been taken, and that we are lumbered with yet another corrupt and cynical government.

But the small gang of righteously enraged Twitterati who want to overturn the vote think they know better, right? Would they rather have the BNP/SWP or something like that in charge?

If any of you care about parliamentary democracy at all, i.e. about the importance of acknowledging a fair vote, just look at the comments trending on FB and Twitter. This is not merely a case of people saying they disagree with Tory policies, and it’s not even ad hominem accusations. Something very twisted and sinister is going on here.

Again: I offer my “solidarity,” (excuse the ironic use of a faux-radical rhetorical gesture) to everyone who supports democracy and will acknowledge (not like, not admire, not praise or glorify) the result of a democratic vote.

I’m not being too po-faced here. I am glad that, instead of ranting, I am able to take these events with a large dose of irony, humour and sneering Voltairean grace. ;) It must be a sign of the times. What a peculiar age we live in. Monty Python lives; you know you’ve got problems when people who explicitly and concretely advocate overturning a democratic vote are pretending they are the enemies of “the Orwellians.” But what is being perpetrated by the anti-voting internet mob is the very definition of “Orwellian.”

The enemy of my crap government is not my friend. The enemies of democracy who want to overturn a democratic vote are the enemies of ALL of us. If there’s anything worse than a Tory or Labour government, it’s a mob of self-righteous, conspicuously enlightened radicals who think they are better than everyone else.

So, to speak of “priorities” again. The number one priority is to show contempt and opposition towards radical thugs who are not acknowledging the result of the vote. The fact, corrupt governments of one sort or another will always be with us. But it is a very new and worrying development to see a revolt against democracy itself, on the part of some nihilistic charlatans and tricksters who don’t seem to have such a problem with SWP rape culture; Labour warmongering; economic terrorism conducted against Myanmar, North Korea and other sovereign nation-states via sanctions; or corrupt, unaccountable, racist, imperialistic and Westerncentric institutions like the “International” Criminal Court.

Everyone within the mainstream political spectrum should know who the biggest enemies of democracy are.

It may be that UK democracy faces the biggest threat it has seen in decades, when people are deliberately screaming for the overturning of a fair and democratic vote.

But they will not succeed. As always, when they realise they need some money to feed themselves, these folks will slink off back home their mansions, widescreen TVs and venison Sunday roasts, and that will be the end of their 15 minutes of fame… or should that be, the tedious eclipse of their day in the sun?

There should be zero tolerance for people who oppose the regular, standard voting process for electing governments. The real Orwellians are the Champagne-Anarchists and Classy-Cocaine-Peddling-Hippy-Dharma-Botherers.

There should be no place in the UK for people who oppose the normal, democratic electoral procedures. The citizens of the UK have already chosen the government at the polls. If people raised in a country with a right to vote or not to vote can’t swallow it then they should do the decent thing and go and set up a vulgar-Bakuninite Utopia on the moon or something.

The UK belongs to people who accept the normal, mainstream-political-spectrum, democratic procedures. It doesn’t belong to Orwellians who want to challenge the right to vote, and who are disputing the legitimacy of a poll that they lost fair and square. In the UK, we don’t ask God, Leo Trotsky, Adolf Hitler, Peter Kropotkin, or the latest X Factor winner who our leader should be.

No. We ask individual citizens, and if we don’t like the result, we should have the grace and humility to work within the system and try to hold the legitimately elected government to account as best we can.

And if a cynical, contrarian, universally contemptuous shit-stirrer like Mr TM (of all people) is appealing to the virtue of humility, you know you’ve got problems!

Whether Tories or Labour, the UK will not be the best of all possible worlds. But opposing secular liberal parliamentary democracy and due voting process is NOT the way to improve things here.

There is plenty of time to criticise the Tories. Hopefully Russell Brand will have some things to say, the news media will also point out errors and misdeeds, and everyday life will be a scene of passionate political debate, as it is for some of us.

But what about the people “protesting” and trying to overturn the election result?

It’s faux-radical masturbatory outrage. Nothing more.

Note: I originally posted a similar version of this a social media site to express my views. But I actually think I would like to make these views of mine more public, because something needs to be said about the very worrying developments in London.

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9/12/2001 – Part 2 (Conspiracy Theorists Actually Know This!)

9/12/2001 – Part 2 (Conspiracy Theorists Actually Know This!)

9/12/2001 – THE DAYS AFTER THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED (A serial book excerpt)

In Part 1 Flight 93 has accomplished its goal of smashing into the White House, apparently killing President George W. Bush. Secret Service men are now searching for Dick Cheney who is the new President by default.

– – – – – – – – – – –

PART 2

Dick Cheney was a very lucky man. The Fates seemed to favor him. He was at the east end of the White House, furthest from the impact point. He had been standing, immersed in the incoming news of planes hitting the World Trade Centers in Manhattan when the impact threw him against a wall of books, then to the ground. Continue Reading

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Prime Minister Disraeli: 7 Hilariously Cutting Putdowns

Prime Minister Disraeli: 7 Hilariously Cutting Putdowns

1. Civilization and Savage Witticisms

Benjamin Disraeli, the English Frankie Boyle, is quite possibly the most aristocratically flamboyant and cutting Prime Minister in UK history. With perfect comic timing, he sliced through the pompous pretensions of his opponents, like a knife through last month’s beef haslet.

He once parried the insult of the Irish Nationalist Daniel O’Connell by saying: Continue Reading

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“But Immigration is Complex…” Uh-uh! Not so Fast!

“But Immigration is Complex…” Uh-uh! Not so Fast!

Coming up to the 2015 General Election, the inflammatory rhetoric of UKIP is a worrying feature of the complex political scene in the UK.

It’s always been complex, of course…

Well, we have had politicians who have expanded the suffrage and decriminalised homosexuality. Continue Reading

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(The) News (Really) Bytes – April 2015

(The) News (Really) Bytes – April 2015

The Aurora Joker James Holmes trial finally begins three years after his attack at the premier of a new Batman movie that killed twelve people.

Could we just have Batman seal him up in a forgotten part of the Batcave and save us the expense of having to take care of him for the rest of his demented life?

Turkey, still denying the massacre of millions of Armenians 100 years ago, decides on the anniversary to celebrate instead their victory at Gallipoli in World War One instead. Continue Reading

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9/11/2001 – The Day After The Unimaginable Happened

9/11/2001 – The Day After The Unimaginable Happened

(A book serial excerpt)

What would have happened had events occurred differently on 9/11?

The aircraft nosed through the mid morning sky. Outside the fuselage it was a sleek bird jetting its way through the air, its wings leaving contrails over the Midwest landscape far below it. It made for a peaceful picture. Or at least from the outside it did.

The plane wobbled occasionally. Lesser experienced hands were at the helm. Still it sailed on majestically, the way it was designed to. Inside there had been a disturbance that could have altered all that, but it was settled now. It sailed onward towards its destination, a new one.

Shortly it came in sight of the metropolis that it sought and began its long descent. The radar was turned off; eyes alone would be controlling its flight at this point.

The low altitude of the plane gave it a magnificent view of the whole city. One could make out the famous landmarks if one knew what to look for. Obvious was the Potomac.

A careful eye could pick out the Lincoln Memorial, the Smithsonian , the Washington Monument.

Shortly the pilots saw their destination. They began a controlled dive. And a chant in a language that those within earshot would not have understand had they still been alive.

Their goal was right before them. The words from their mouths were prayerful and hushed. A moments breath later the plane tore into the White House which a second before had been such a beautiful, majestic building.

“News Update! September 11, 2001 – A fourth passenger airliner has crashed into the White House probably killing President George W. Bush and an as yet unknown number of staff and visitors there.

Flight 93, originally flying over the Midwest to San Francisco, veered back east, crashing intentionally into the center of the White House. All on board are assumed dead.

Witnesses say they saw the plane veer down, taking a low altitude over central D.C., then crash directly into the Presidential building. A huge explosion rocked the structure moments later and now a thick flume of smoke rises from it.

A few survivors managed to get out of the East and West Wings relatively unharmed, but badly shaken. The President, who was to have gone on a trip to Texas, had to cancel at the last minute and is known to have been in the White House at the time of the horrific crash.

It is believed that a terrorist group is responsible for the attack and that it is most likely the same group is responsible for the crashes at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.”

To the astute security personnel left alive in the vicinity of the White House it was obvious that their head boss was dead. Security turned the situation over to the Secret Service, those who were left and still functional, to find their new leader and get him to safety.

The search began for Dick Cheney.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Sarko in China: “Monsieur Jinping, Break Down This Wall!”

Sarko in China: “Monsieur Jinping, Break Down This Wall!”

Nicolas Sarkozy is universally renowned and respected as the man who single-handedly brought down the Berlin Wall, restored the constitutional liberties and privileges of “La République,” and ended forever the reign of jihadist terror in the entire “monde non civilisée.”

But his aura is slipping somewhat. France’s most genial, witty, charismatic, and talented “notable public figure” has upset the government of a leading nation.

Admittedly, as the Chinese Communist Party is not a straight-vanilla late-capitalist White Anglo Saxon corporatist legislative entity like France…

Well, Notre Sarko, like Our Harold (re: his wanton, inexcusable disobedience on Vietnam), thought he could just let it blow over.

But he has had to fesse up ‘fess up, and tell us what went wrong.

As a bit of entirely unnecessary and utterly unamusing backstory, Nicolas Sarkozy did indeed break down the Berlin Wall, as the original Reagan speech actually said.

But sadly, the speech was (as a certain notable public figure in France tells me):

Maliciously audioshopped by the Holy Alliance of Unaccountable Brussels-Caliphate-Black-Jewish-Hip-Hop-Pied-Noir-Egalitarian-Derridean-Unreconstructed-Cultural-Marxist-Ivory-Tower-68er-Pacifist-Le-MacDo-Postmodern-Supremacist-Illuminati.

(However, the flamboyantly carnivalesque celebrity father of my conspicuously moderate source disagrees; he says the name of the culprit was about five times as long as that).

Still, not everyone agrees that Sarko single-handedly saved Europe from the only thing worse than being dominated by an unaccountable neo-corporatist colonial project that is somewhat earlier than the more recent unaccountable neo-corporatist colonial project by which you are currently dominated.

Indeed: for some deeply un-European evidence in English Rosbif-ese of Sarko’s original “abattez ce mur” error:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/6532711/Berlin-Wall-anniversary-doubts-cast-over-Nicolas-Sarkozys-pickaxe-claim.html

And from an intimately subservient state media ally of Sarko himself,

http://droite.blogs.liberation.fr/2009/11/08/mur-de-berlin-sarko-refait-lhistoire-sur-facebook/

Still, the homme with da bomb slipped up when his gazed extended far beyond the International Community, to all those other myriad, multiplicitous, achingly “autrui” and Other bits of the world. “Hell is other people,” right?

Eh bien, mesdames et messieurs. All I have intended to say is that the Great Wall of China, it is a great triumph of civilization of which the Chinese race… eh bien, I mean the Chinese nation, should be very proud. You know, ever since Napoleon brought the light of civilization and Enlightenment to the Mussulmans in the… eh bien, 17th century or something like that…

Well, we have always known that China is the closest thing you can find to an actual complete, authentic, and literate civilization outside Europe.

We never once dreamed of conquering China, not even in the height of our Imperial glory; because we knew that China was too mighty and well-armed… eh bien, too powerfully cultivated and well-endowed with literary culture.

It is difficult to compare China with les noirs and les Musulmanes and the other authentically barbarian peoples, who are even more thoroughly lacking in etiquette and cultivation… eh bien, petit con, why you are misquoting me? I must demand that you show me your transcript…

What this Saxon bullshit is, what you are writing? Why you do not write in the French, the refined and civilized langue de la culture? Racaille! J’te chie à la gueule! Canaille grossière!!!

But yes… China, we should follow the model of China, but not too closely. We must maintain our metaphysical purity and integrity, so that the error of cultural equivalence may not be tolerated.

And one way to accomplish this is to do what the Chinese did: they built a wall to keep out the savages and barbarians.

Well, perhaps we also can do this?

Perhaps we can out-Chinese the Chinese…

And even keep the Chinese themselves out? ;)

Ah yes…. It commences with rap music, masjids, and the poisonous Saxon culinary abominations; and it ends with Communist subversion and decadent 68er cultural materialist postmodern semiotical deconstructionist semantic terrorism.

However, I believe that China’s exclusionary policy towards non-Chinese is simply despicable.

We all live in a single, monolithic, non-Foucauldian, pre-Althusserian Global Village…

Hence, for China to stubbornly resist the just and righteous claims of Humanity, in the face of universal suffering and the plight of our shared Global Community of individuals...

Well, if China values liberty, equality and brotherhood, she must immediately introduce a more enlightened immigration policy…

And cease her backward, isolationist stance towards immigrants and asylum seekers from Japan, Korea, and other nations which, to speak the truth, are barely more civilized than China herself.

Any nation that arrogantly disdains to respect the rights of outsiders, while permitting capital to flow freely instead, should become a pariah among all decent people in our world.

And in order to assist you with this noble endeavour, one consummately worthy of any one of the most enlightened and tolerant nations in the world, I now gloriously wield my Magic Sarko Democratic Teaspoon and:

Tap, tap, tap.

Remember, miracles do not occur once only…

Apart from the the Enlightenment, the French Revolution, and especially, the supremely noble and principled reaction that delivered the universal interest from both of these atrocities…

All three, nevertheless, being glorious, inimitable marks of comprehensively civilized nations…

Rather than of ones which, like China, have admittedly done rather commendably, considering the circumstances.

So: once I have broken down the Berlin wall; and now I deliver you also. Never forget you have a true, sincere and heartfelt friend and ally in France; we need as much of your financial investment as we can steal…

Eh bien, MANAGE!!!

I did a quick straw poll. A small number of correspondents (say 1.6 billion people or so) said Sarko was talking out of his fesse. It seems that he still has some difficulty work to do to win people over.

Still, that pales in comparison to the gargantuan task he faces in La Belle République!

Disclaimer: It is arbitrarily alleged by the malicious and vindictive enemies of Mr TM in the famously non-satire news media, that the meme for this article is “grammatically incorrect.” Do not be fooled. Mr TM does not make mistakes. Like Sarko, he merely dynamically reconfigures his lexical strategies in light of the purely value-free and objective given constraints and opportunities. It’s all in Lévy/Glucksmann, you know.

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Posted in Politics, World News0 Comments

Our Crowdfunded North Korea Movie is Chugging Along, but it Needs Your Help

Our Crowdfunded North Korea Movie is Chugging Along, but it Needs Your Help

Kim Jong-Un is reportedly flipping his shit since the wide release of “The Interview”, which even his most dastardly designs did nothing to diminish.

We’re about halfway done filming ours, and I must say, it… looks… amazing. “The Interview” was pure Hollywood, but ours aims to really take the piss out of him and his absurd hermit kingdom.

Here is a pre-pre-trailer to show you what we’ve got so far, but if you scroll down far enough and read things close enough, you’ll get to see an actual clip from the movie to show you what we’re doing. Continue Reading

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Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics, Video News6 Comments

The Convenience of Misogyny? Kerry, Clinton, the White-Knight-Industrial Complex (2/2)

The Convenience of Misogyny? Kerry, Clinton, the White-Knight-Industrial Complex (2/2)

Continuing what I said yesterday about about John Kerry’s ethically problematic text on war rape and its pro-“Humanity” implications…

Of course, there is fierce market competition among the The Party of Humanity, rather as there are among all religious cults, sects, and militant creeds in general.

But of course, what unifies each of these Communities of (Absolute) Truth is a tendency to diminish and trivialize the suffering of individuals. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Serious Commentary0 Comments

The Convenience of Misogyny? Kerry, Clinton, the White-Knight-Industrial Complex (1/2)

The Convenience of Misogyny? Kerry, Clinton, the White-Knight-Industrial Complex (1/2)

As Hillary Clinton has announced she is running for the US Presidency, it is probably a good time to take a broader look at the potential pitfalls of politicians being presented as “feminists,” however defined.

I don’t dispute that feminism (however defined) is a good thing.

But there is nothing “innocent” about prominent political figures portrayed in glowing ethical terms (even when the presentation is only being made by their supporters).

Instead of speaking directly about Clinton, I am going to talk about another matter first, to better illustrate (I hope) the problem of complicity between misogyny and superficial appeals to purportedly “feminist” idealism.

More precisely: I am not sure that there has been enough critical analysis of the rather prominent and surprisingly timely “Global Summit to End Sexual Violence in Conflict” of 2014.

For it is as though, because rape is an appalling crime (which it certainly is), the presumed good intentions of those who present themselves as opposing rape should be deemed in itself an argument in favor of the proceedings of the summit.

I say “presumed,” because I do not think the question of sincerity or insincerity is the most important consideration here. And in any case, questions of motivation are speculative, and often rest on over-simplistic and inappropriately reductionist notions of human psychology that I consider to be untenable.

So the question of what may or may not motivate John Kerry, William Hague or others, is not necessarily the most important question, as compared to the implications of what has been formulated and pronounced at the summit.

But more crucially, in terms of implication and not motivation, there is such a thing as what I call the corporatist “politics of decency.” This is the politics of opposing misogyny, racism, homophobia, or other prejudices (held by people across the whole political spectrum) on a distorted basis.

That is: these phenomena are always opposed solely because such prejudices harm individuals (which they certainly do); but also (at least partly) because they are, in the words of a certain kind of conspicuously benevolent person in the UK, “bad form.”

Still, while there may be cases where some are opposed to war rape because the topic of rape is “unpleasant,” “uncomfortable…”

Or perhaps even because it is a topic that allows The Universal League of Socially Just Vanillamen to rally around The Right Side…

Well, all this is no substitute for explicitly emphasizing how Crimes Against Women harm individuals.

On this note, see John Kerry’s deeply problematic text on an embassy website (also published in the London Evening Standard some time ago):

http://london.usembassy.gov/humrts198.html

No hyperlink included. If you aren’t prepared to copy and paste this, then you aren’t prepared to put the time in to think about how problematic the issues under discussion are.

That’s right son, I’m being patronizing. Because speaking of “patronizing…”

Well, the article in question says:

Sexual violence plagues every country. It is not just (sic) a domestic criminal justice issue. Acts of sexual violence demean our (sic) collective (sic) humanity (sic).

Not just? No comment.

Our? Who is “we?”

What is humanity, and precisely what is collective about it? Maybe ask old Uncle Joe or Pol Pot how that collective humanity thing is going.

And then:

They make us all (sic) less secure, less prosperous (sic) and less free. So there are few causes worthier (sic) of international (sic) co-operation (sic).

Us all? It always worries me when white, comfortably-off male politicians from influential nation-states say this. Surely it’s for others to say?

Less prosperous? At first I was tempted to ask myself whether this was an unfortunate Freudian slip from someone in Kerry’s speech-writing team; but on balance, I think it’s just a bad choice of words. Still, it does seem somewhat ugly to be talking about prosperity, (which presumably includes material prosperity), in a context like this.

Few causes? What kind of vulgar-Benthamite calculus is in play here? So there aren’t that many, but perhaps this one can be put in near the top somewhere, maybe?

International? You mean like the so-called “International Community,” or “IntCom?”

(By the way, using the term IntCom doesn’t mean you agree with everything written by Chomsky, the person who apparently coined the term in question. That should go without saying, but I think one can afford to take very little for granted here).

Co-operation? Nice idea, in general. When are you people (from both parties) going to finally get around to that one then?

Still, we must proceed.

Charge One: Abstraction

Kerry’s text, albeit unintentionally, has a trivializing effect towards rape as an infringement of individual liberty. His essay backgrounds the individual character of rape, implicitly denying the (again) individual and contextual character of each crime. So it is as though there were only “Rape in General;” the latter phrase is not found in the essay, but appears to be implicit in essay’s framing of rape.

Or at least, on a marginally more charitable reading, there are rapes against individuals, yes; but these are somehow, in some vague and indeterminate manner, subordinate to the abstract, falsely universal, implicit notion of “Rape in General.”

But how? Well, as you can see from the quote above, the essay subordinates and subsumes every individual’s experience into a certain notoriously vague, fluffy, and emotive abstraction; “our collective humanity,” which like so many other cheap rhetorical terms, is easily interchangeable with largely synonymous words.

So what other terms are implied here? While Kerry’s piece does not use the phrase, it appears that the “person” harmed in rape is none other than:

“Our Common Humanity.”

(Or ComHum, as I tend to call it).

It is as thought the text were irritably murmuring under its breath:

“Crimes against mere paltry, meagre, isolated individuals are bad enough… but crimes against ‘Humanity’ are absolutely intolerable!”

This collectivist tactic (or if you prefer a less loaded and more high-faluting term, this holistic tactic), risks distracting the more unwary reader from the only thing that counts; individual suffering. The article plays down and de-emphasises the horror of rape, by combining an apparently gestural acknowledgment of the pernicious character of this crime, with a backgrounding of the very depravity of such an abhorrent Crime Against Individuals.

Hence, unbeknownst to Kerry, the essay risks assisting the Global Justice Liberation Front in enlisting, in a most disreputable manner, those “allies” or “assistants” who might otherwise find the topic of rape too upsetting or disturbing to talk about in more blunt or crude terms…

Even though it is hard to see how such euphemistic rhetoric can be appropriately associable with a crime so raw, vicious, and ultimately barbaric.

Hence, despite the best efforts of the writers and speaker to focus on the real issue, the text risks achieving little more than inadvertently shoring up the credentials of Kerry and his party (and of the broader US or even Western political establishment)…

Presenting once again the credentials of a certain limited number of individuals as “lovers of Humanity.”

This piece will be continued tomorrow. It’s an important topic around which a lot of cant and false piety tends to circulate, so it may be worth reading further.

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Posted in Politics, Serious Commentary1 Comment

Republicans Start Hauling Out and Dusting Off Their Borg-like Candidates.

Republicans Start Hauling Out and Dusting Off Their Borg-like Candidates.

The 2016 Presidential Election is starting out with snail like excitement and colorful shades of gray-toned vibrancy.

The Republican Party is beginning to wheel out their musty Presidential hopefuls for the public to gawk at. What is not let out into the community eye is that each and every one of them is a surgically altered Borg. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics5 Comments

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