The oil gusher in the Gulf of Mexico has spread east as far as Pensacola, Florida, where the Five Flags race track is located. In response, noted NASCAR also-ran and female driver Danica Patrick showed her solidarity for her suffering Gulf co-victims, promptly spun out and wrecked her car into the barricade.

There were no serious injuries, though many fans still hold out hope.

AMSTERDAM (GlossyNews) — The Anne Frank House Museum, hoping to bring the lesson of Frank’s life and death to a new base of readers, launched the publication of the historic diary as a comic book. Spokeswoman Annemarie Bekker said the book is aimed at teenagers who might not otherwise read Anne Frank’s diary.

Bekker said, “Anne Frank wrote the diary between the ages of 13 and 15. Unfortunately, children today between the ages of 13 and 15 can’t read. So, we felt turning her gruesome tragedy into a comic book was the only way to get 21st century teens to understand the events of World War II. Which is, in itself, almost as tragic.”

Top FIFA Referees

Said one official “there is no doubt in our minds that trained monkeys will be able to do a much better job of officiating the remainder of the games instead of the morons who have refereed so far.”The American team is said to be extremely happy with the decision, as their game against Slovenia was upset by what everyone agrees was one of the most boneheaded decisions in the history of the World Cup.

Brasilian player Kaka tends to agree. He commented that he wished the decision would have been made before the Brasilian player was forced to sit out the upcoming game with Portugal. “I definitely would have had a better chance had a monkey been calling the game,” he said with a smile.

Even England, who hasn’t really had much of a beef with the referee calls so far agrees that FIFA is making a wise decision. “We’ve always liked monkeys,” said Fabio Capello, the team’s coach. “Me, personally, I relate better with monkeys than I do humans, so I think all around it is a very good decision and one that England backs wholeheartedly.”

The RMS Obama was christened in 2009 with much fan fair and tingly leg sensations. Here at Rancor News we wonder if they might be repeating the same mistakes of the Titanic. When the Titanic launched newspapers proclaimed, “God Himself Couldn’t Sink The Titanic.” In hindsight one might get the idea that God may have taken offense to that. When RMS Obama won the primary; papers pondered whether Obama is “The One.” Obama himself proclaimed, “this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal.” After hours on hold listening Amy Grant, God responded saying, “The One? If I wasn’t all knowing I would wonder if people ever learn from their mistakes. Did no one see what I did to Jet Li’s career after he did “The One?” Continue Reading

Tee Toos Landing, LA (GlossyNews) — Coonass Marty Boudreaux, who spends the bulk of his spare time drinking Dixie beer and shooting anything that moves, is pretty darned angry these days. That’s because a giant oil slick is coming on shore and wiping out the animals before he can get at ‘em.

“I tol you wat,” says Boudreaux, “if der ain’t won ting dat gets to me from dis hole mess dat’s goin’ down out heyah, is dat all dem birds and shit dat’s gettin’ kilt-dem wuz mine to shoots offa my front porch Continue Reading

Auston, TX (GlossyNews) — A group of middle-aged white liberals in Austin, Texas has vowed to never laugh at anything again. Group spokesman, Broice Kafoudlink, or as he is known in the organization, King Fuddy Duddy, declared at a recent “No Laugh, No Way” meeting that, “It’s about time people stopped laughing. Continue Reading

Beck claims he just uses it as reference to use against the Obama administration and not for purposes of learning how to indoctrinate his listeners.

“Oy vey, what a schmuck,” said one man as Israelites far and wide kvetshed about this latest development.

Washington DC (GlossyNews) — President Obama, refusing to yield to the demands of Tea Party agitators, has once again failed to appoint a Deist to the Supreme Court.

Obama has announced that he will nominate Elena Kagan to the court, choosing a Jewish woman to preside over the legacy of the white, Deist, Founding Fathers.

John Paul Jones XVI, a local Hartford Conn Tea Party leader and direct descendent of John Paul Jones, the American naval hero, made this remark concerning Kagan:

“When the Founding Fathers set up the Constitution (capital ‘C’), there was certainly never a thought that women would have a position of authority over menfolk. We as Tea Party Patriots (capital ‘P’) want to see the Constitution restored, as a vehicle for the White, Male, Landowning class to run this country properly. Certainly they never envisioned a black man as president, or even as a voter, and certainly no woman, Jewish or Latina, could ever fully comprehend the deep meanings of the Constitution.”

Jones, one of many Tea Party members who would like to see the Constitution restored to its original greatness, would like to bring to a halt not only women representatives, but women voting as well. Jones also supports protecting the Constitution by ignoring the Constitutionally elected president.

Kagan, who has little life experience at 50, one of the youngest nominees ever, also has no experience as a judge. Many complain that she is better qualified to be a clerk in the Supreme Court than a Justice.

Tea Party members throughout the nation want to see Deists represented on the Bench in order to end the continual ‘interpretation’ of the Constitution and return to its strict meaning. Because of this, they feel that only White Male Landowning Deists are able to properly read and enforce the Constitution as originally written.

Tea Party supporters have gone on to say that they no longer have to follow the rulings of the supreme court if it contains women or has members appointed by a black president from Kenya.

Thomas Paine, author of the proto socialist pamphlet Agrarian Justice, was not available for comment, having been dead for 200 years.

Greetings fellow Americans (Queue in Picture of Karl Rove in Lederhosen)–

Are you one of the millions of downtrodden Americans who have never had a lucky break? I was one too, but I am going to pass on to you how you can break out of the bad luck cycle with my new book “Weaseling Your Way To Success!”

As a child I was unattractive, unpopular and as dorky as Popeye Continue Reading

Chicago, IL (GlossyNews) –The mummified remains of a man waiting for comments to his clever face book post were found last Monday in a basement in Winnetka, Illinois. The desiccated body of Murray Stinsky, who had collected a total of 17 friends and family on Facebook, appeared to have been in his basement for over a year, still sitting upright in front of a dark computer screen.

The body was found after a neighbor became suspicious when Mr. Stinsky’s newspaper subscription ran out, and she didn‘t have anything to read with her coffee on Sunday morning.

Who else can totally get away with referring to Republicans as the ‘White Wing?’

Navajo Nation – The Navajo, Hopi, all Apache Nations and all other Native Americans who presently reside in Arizona have joined forces in an effort to show the haughty Arizona residents just exactly who has every right to be in that State.

Said Chief Standing Wolf, “it is not those of European decent who should be making the laws of this state, but we, the tribal people, who have been suppressed for too long. Continue Reading

New Orleans, LA (GlossyNews) –A male bonding imbroglio has landed two fraternity boys in the clink for attacking a transvestite who stopped to ask them directions.

According to local Transvestite, Katrina Sapphire, it went down like this: “Girl-I was jus comin up the street here on the norf side of Central Abenue, when heya come dess two college boys and dey wuz all drunk and shit, lovins on each other, and so I starts thinkin to myself that maybe dey like some attenshun from a real woman-knows wha I mean? Continue Reading