Spawns new hackneyed headline.
Posted on 30 July 2014.
Spawns new hackneyed headline.
Posted on 28 July 2014.
There was a time when children were free to play in the fields they tilled, learn skills in the factories that employed them, or even frolic on the sets of such films as Home Alone and The Sixth Sense.
The modern child labor trade has taken all the fun out of preteen employment, it seems, as some are forced into the most soul-crushing of kiddo careers. Continue Reading
Posted on 25 June 2014.
The other 13% are easily influenced by crowds.
Posted on 16 June 2014.
Announcer: Today’s guest on “Yucky World” will be noted political consultant and lexicologist W.C. “Scoop” Pooper. He will be discussing a new political term, Obamymoron, with our talk show hosts Dick and Janey.
Janey: Welcome, Scoop.
Dick: Hey, what’s the latest poop, Scoop? Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!
Scoop: Well, President Obama has finally stepped in it this time with the Sergeant Bergdahl trade!
Dick: I’m not surprised. That’s what happens when you lead with your bee-hind.
Janey: Please, Dick! What’s an Obamymoron, Scoop?
Scoop: It’s when people realize that what you said or did contradicts reality.
Dick: Like Bergdahl was so near death that the President didn’t have time to consult Congress?
Dick: Then “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor” would also be an Obamymoron?
Scoop: Absolutely! But it doesn’t have to be something President Obama said or did.
Janey: How about “Read my lips! No new taxes”?
Scoop: Exactly! Obamymorons can be bi-partisan!
Dick: What about Susan Rice saying Bergdahl was “captured on the battlefield” and “served the United States with honor and distinction”?
Scoop: That’s a double Obamymoron. Those are hard to do!
Dick: Not for Rice. Don’t forget her Obamymoron that the attack in Benghazi started out as a protest over a video.
Janey: I’m a little concerned that some people might think the term Obamymoron is racist.
Scoop: You know, it’s really just a play on the word oxymoron, like “jumbo shrimp”. Obamymorons are very similar to oxymorons; they both have built-in contradictions!
Dick: And no one’s ever said that using the term oxymoron meant a person was prejudiced against oxen.
Janey: Ri-i-ght, Dick. But why pick on Obama?
Scoop: Because he’s so easy. Remember when Obama said he was against presidential signing statements being attached to bills and that his administration would be the most transparent ever?
Janey: But sometimes reality is different from what you expected.
Scoop: Yeah! And when reality gets in the way of transparency, and Bush can’t be blamed, you can always crash Lois Lerner’s IRS computer!
Dick: Look at the President’s goal of equal pay for men and women. The problem was, for Obama’s White House staff, women only earned 88% of what men did!
Dick: How about “I did not have sexual relations with that woman Monica Lewinsky”?
Scoop: Doink! That’s not an Obamymoron!
Dick: Doink! Huh?
Janey: Clinton had sex with her, Dick, not sexual relations.
Dick: I’m confused.
Janey: About sex? I’m not surprised.
Scoop: Clinton was being a lawyer and parsing words.
Janey: Speaking of parsing words, our sponsors have just sent us an email indicating that they would like to have an Obamymoron contest.
Dick: Just email your Obamymorons to us here at the station.
Scoop: Will there be prizes?
Dick: Everyone who enters is guaranteed a free IRS audit!
Scoop: What about special prizes for the best responses?
Janey: For second place, your audit will be conducted in the Rose Garden.
Dick: And you will get a free beer compliments of the President.
Scoop: I’m afraid to ask what first place wins.
Dick: A one week all expenses paid vacation to Qatar where you will stay with the Taliban Five at their safe house.
Janey: Wouldn’t a Taliban safe house be a…
Scoop: Yes! …An oxymoronic Obamymoron!!
Posted on 17 May 2014.
Announcer: With the federal highway system continuing to deteriorate, President Obama has been looking for new ways to raise money including collecting tolls on the Interstates. Administration tax specialist Mr. I.R. Esse will be discussing this with Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of “Yucky World”.
Janey: Welcome, Mr. Esse. Continue Reading
Posted on 11 May 2014.
Announcer: Monica Lewinsky was recently interviewed about her affair with former President Bill Clinton. Dick and Janey’s guest today on “Yucky World” will be Hedda Enabler, spokesperson for the National Association of Disorganized Women.
They will be discussing the fact that her organization has not objected to men like Clinton having sex with women who are their subordinates.
Enabler: Hey, bud! You left out the word “consensual”.
Dick:Wow! How did you know our announcer’s name was Bud? I didn’t even know that!
Janey: Forgive him, Ms. Enabler. There’s a lot he doesn’t know.
Enabler: Probably starting with sex.
Dick: Hey, I know about the birds and the fleas.
Janey: Anyway, how can sex between a subordinate and her boss be consensual? If she refuses, it could cost the woman her job.
Enabler: Just say “No!”
Dick: I think I’ve heard that before.
Janey: And if she loses her job?
Enabler: Sue him!
Dick: That will keep the trial lawyers smiling.
Janey: What if it’s a lawyer having sex with his secretary?
Dick: Another smiling lawyer?
Enabler:Let’s look at a real world example like President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.
Janey: As an intern, she wasn’t even an employee when the affair started.
Enabler: Doesn’t matter. It was consensual. The President was under a lot of pressure, and she was helping him to relieve it.
Dick: When I’m under stress, I usually go for a walk.
Enabler: I bet you drop bread crumbs so you can find your way home.
Janey: And what kind of stress was David Letterman under with his staffers?
Enabler: Hey, it’s tough being a high profile network comedian. You have to tell some really good jokes night after night.
Janey: But, you certainly must object to Roman Polanski having sex with a thirteen-year-old girl.
Enabler: Cut the guy a little slack. He’s made a lot of great movies…and look at all the pressure and personal tragedies he’s had to face.
Janey: But a thirteen-year-old?
Enabler: Shakespeare’s Juliet was only thirteen!
Dick: Hmm! “Roman and Juliet”? It doesn’t really work for me.
Janey: Polanski even drugged her.
Enabler: So! Juliet did drugs, too.
Dick: Sex! Drugs! Some things never change!!
Janey: But what if the tables are turned? What if the woman is the boss who’s demanding sex?
Enabler: I guess men will just have to get used to it.
Dick: Used to what?
Enabler: Being in the subordinate position.
Dick: I don’t remember that position from my sex ed class.
Janey: Isn’t it just blatant hypocrisy to say it’s consensual sex when the relationship is between a boss and a subordinate?
Enabler: Sometimes it depends on who the boss is.
Janey: Well, what about George W. Bush?
Enabler: That “W” stood for “War on Women”!
Janey: Well, he did free a lot of women from domination by the misogynist Taliban!
Enabler: Sure, but what did he do for American women?
Janey: Isn’t that a double standard?
Enabler: Well, it’s better than having no standards at all!
Dick: Maybe I should become a trial lawyer.
Janey: Don’t you remember what Shakespeare wrote about killing all the lawyers?
Dick: Yeah, but at least they would have died with smiles on their faces. Yuck! Yuck!
Janey: You’d better wipe that smirk off your face before I do it for you!
Dick: “For never was a story of more woe…” Than this of Janey and her Dickeo!
Dick: Yeah! But at least I’m consistent!
Posted on 03 May 2014.
Newsflash: Our prison population over the past two decades has soared to a record-bursting 2.4 million. Almost one out of every 100 Americans is currently incarcerated. (Personally, I blame Hollywood celebutantes Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Justin Bieber for much of the overcrowding problem.)
The USA has more people in prison than any other country in the world – yet one more achievement about which Americans can proudly shout We’re #1. The cost to house all these charming folks is staggering. Check out these startling statistics:
• The average annual operating cost in 2012 was $28,000 per inmate.
• Housing the approximately 500,000 people in jail awaiting trial costs $9 billion a year.
• The cost to put my two daughters through four years of college would be enough to house the entire prison population of Wyoming for four months.
• An ant can carry 50 times its own body weight.
• Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
As these alarming statistics clearly demonstrate, we need to do something about the runaway costs of housing our inmates – not to mention cracking down on Donkeys Gone Wild.
On the left is a chart showing the increase in our American prison population over the past 86 years. (Coincidentally, a mirror image of this chart displays the value of my investment portfolio from 1990 through 2013.)
One humanitarian solution I’ve lobbied for vociferously for years is to simply turn the entire state of Mississippi into a federal prison. I mean, it’s not like the place is being used for much else these days. But an even better idea comes from Argentina. Their solution? Soccer ball prison guards.
Recently, Argentina made an unscheduled surprise announcement about its unique cost-cutting solution for its prison system. Turns out that one of their prisons was running severely short of funds to staff their guard towers – so much so that only two of the fifteen guard towers actually were staffed by guards. The prison decided to staff one of the towers with a dummy. “We’ve made a dummy out of a soccer ball and a prison officer’s cap. We named him Wilson, like in the film Castaway, and put him in one of the towers so that the prisoners would see its shadow and think they’re being watched,” an unnamed prison source told the Río Negro newspaper. (I could not make this stuff up.)
I did a detailed cost analysis. Cost of one soccer ball: $8.95. Cost of one guard cap: $11.50. Total cost: $20.45. Annual cost of one human Argentinean prison guard: $20,500. Average annual savings of soccer ball guard: $20,479, a savings of 99.9% compared to human prison guards. In full disclosure, that’s before factoring in the cost of engraving the ball with the Official Seal of Argentina and the necessary legal disclaimers like “This prison guard is the property of . Do not try to escape past me or attempt to do a header. Do not deflate me. Not intended for use in recreational sports.”
Think about the cost savings to American taxpayers if we implemented this innovative solution. Right off the bat you can eliminate the cost of salary, food, and medical benefits – not to mention guns and ammo. And problems like substance abuse and prisoner abuse by guards and guards grumbling about dangerous work conditions become things of the past. Oh sure, prison wardens would need to remember to inflate their soccer ball guards now and then, but beyond that, they’re pretty much maintenance-free and would most likely require minimal supervision.
We could debate for days whether soccer balls, footballs, basketballs or volleyballs would function best as substitute prison security personnel. But I would strenuously argue that golf balls are simply not up to the task. Not even Titleists. I will leave it up to some Congressional sub-committee to recommend the proper spheroid to use, proper inflation pressure, and how much to skim off the top from the lobbyists for Spalding, Wilson and Rawlings to get Congress to recommend their brand of ball. I envision that, before long, millions of Americans will start purchasing sports balls, dressing them up as German Shepherds and placing them in their living room windows to deter burglars.
One thing to learn from Argentina’s bold new experiment is to not actually inform the prison population that your towers are being guarded by soccer balls. This was Argentina’s one tiny mistake. Apparently, word got out that the guard in Tower #3 – the guy who never seemed to look around, smoke or ask for a bathroom break – was in fact a soccer ball. As a result, two convicted armed robbers escaped over the wall into the night and have yet to be found. (True.)
But that’s just a small hiccup in the system. The only other mistake the Argentine prison authorities made was in forgetting to remove the giant gold and green FIFA WORLD CUP logo on its “face” – a sure giveaway, if you ask me. But that could have easily been painted over – if only they’d had the budget to buy a paintbrush.
With a well-inflated soccer-basket-volley-ball, our prison system could order thousands of balls with fiercely intimidating faces on them like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas or Samuel L. Jackson in, well anything he’s ever done, to keep the prisoners from even thinking about escaping.
But why stop there? Think how much the U.S. military could save each year by replacing soldiers on the front lines with soccer ball dummies. Think about how many American lives we could save, not to mention the millions that Hasbro and Mattel could make selling the new GI Joe soccer ball dummy action figures.
Of course, there are a few logistical challenges our military commanders will have to work out, like how to get the soccer ball soldiers to shoot … or drive a tank … or disarm land mines … or salute their commanding officers. But I’m confident the top military brass will figure out those minor details. After all, they pretty much solved the whole Afghanistan mess, right?
Posted on 30 April 2014.
Announcer: President Obama’s foreign policy has come under serious scrutiny lately. Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of Yucky World, will be discussing this with retired U.S. State Department diplomat J. Foghill Bottom.
Janey: You’re considered to be one of the deans of American diplomacy, Mr. Bottom. To what do you attribute your success? Continue Reading
Posted on 23 April 2014.
Announcer: With everyone discussing ObamaCare, Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of Yucky World, will be interviewing the President about his latest health care plan.
Janey: Welcome, Mr. President.
Obama: Thank you, Janey.
Dick: So what are you planning on getting wrong this time, Mr. President?
Janey: Dick, please! Show a little respect!
Obama: That’s okay. I’m used to hearing stuff like that from the troglodytes at Fox News, but even Dick might like my latest idea.
Obama: It’s called the Adorable PetCare Act. By executive order, I’m going to provide health care for all our nation’s pets.
Dick: Does that include moose?
Obama: You have a moose for a pet?
Dick: Not yet…but I’m thinking about it. I’m a big Bullwinkle fan.
Janey: Sure, Dick. Have you learned anything from your ObamaCare mistakes?
Obama: Definitely! This time I’m not making promises I can’t keep. When I announce the plan later this week, I will say, “If you like your pet, you can keep your pet. Asterisk.”
Dick: Asterisk! What’s that for?
Obama: It covers any future changes I may have to make in the plan.
Dick: You know, the Constitution’s only been amended 27 times in over 200 years, but you’ve already made over 30 changes in ObamaCare.
Obama: I’m surprised you can count that high, Dick.
Janey: He had some trouble when he ran out of toes.
Dick: You said that people who help folks to sign up for ObamaCare do “God’s work”. What about those who lost their health care?
Obama: I blame those insurance devils!
Dick: You sure it wasn’t Bush’s fault?
Obama: Not this time. The devil was in the details. We’re thinking about an exorcism.
Dick: Ooh-kay. Isn’t the PetCare Act just another example of you using your pencil and phone to go around Congress?
Janey: Dick, he actually said pen.
Obama: Strangely enough, Dick’s more right than wrong. I’m asking Congress to write all future laws in pencil so that way it’ll be easier for me to change them.
Dick: Thank God the Constitution was written in ink!
Obama: That’s where the phone comes in handy. I used it to order a case of Whiteout.
Janey: Have you made any other important calls?
Obama: I did phone Senator Reid.
Obama: The Senator is upset with the IRS. Apparently he still hasn’t received his 10% reward for turning in Gov. Romney in 2012 for not paying taxes for the previous 10 years.
Dick: I guess Dirty Harry made an offer that the IRS could refuse.
Obama: I told the Senator I’d look into it, but, as I’ve said before, there’s not a smidgen of corruption at the IRS.
Dick: Tell that to the pro-marriage group that had its donors’ list leaked by the IRS.
Obama: Even if that’s true, it’s probably just an iota which is a lot less than a smidgen.
Dick: Weasel words!
Obama: Yeah, well, I hate to tell you this, Dick, but weasels aren’t covered under the PetCare Act!
Janey: Can you tell us some of its other provisions?
Dick: Yeah! Like will there be free contraceptives for our pets?
Obama: We’re thinking more like mandatory neutering.
Dick: But if you neuter all our pets, eventually there won’t be any left.
Dick: There goes Bullwinkle, Jr.
Obama: This provision will also decrease income inequality!
Obama: Since poor people spend a greater percentage of their income on their pets than the rich do, eliminating pets will reduce the gap between the rich and the poor.
Janey: What are you planning on doing once you leave the White House?
Obama: Actually, I’m thinking about running for a third term.
Dick: But…but the Constitution limits you to just two.
Obama: Only until my case of Whiteout is delivered.
Posted on 05 April 2014.
Dateline: ATLANTA—Elderly oddball millionaire, Huey Longbottom, shuns the internet and receives all of his news from CNN, but taking no interest in the missing Malaysian plane, which CNN has covered exhaustively for several weeks, Longbottom orchestrated several bizarre spectacles to garner CNN’s attention and entice the news channel to exchange its lead story.
Posted on 31 March 2014.
By Guest Writer Bill Edgecomb
What is this life but a single blink of the eye of an ever-expanding universe?
Why do we itch?
Is existence itching, the cause of which is the desire for ointment?
Are we to just wait for an itch to subside; like so many before us who have merely avoided risk to extend the length of their lives at the cost of truly living?
RIGHT: Image by Canon_Rebel_User via Flickr (CLICK TO ENLARGE)
These and many other questions come to mind when one embarks on the arduous journey of finding effective yet affordable itch relief. Continue Reading
Posted on 30 March 2014.
Posted on 21 March 2014.
So, you made your way into college…Great, good job! Now all that’s left for you to do, is to acknowledge you have no place there and all your future holds for you is a prime career in flipping burgers.
Nah, I’m joking, you’re probably the spoiled brat of a millionaire anyway and you don’t have to lift a finger for the rest of your life. The only reason you’re in college is because it’s good PR for your father’s business empire. Continue Reading
Posted on 19 March 2014.
The internet fad of the week is #mcconnelling, a little game contrived on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. McConnell released a blank stock video of himself so his SuperPAC could later pretend they didn’t ask for it, but now it’s a thing of legend.
The original ad, featured in The Daily Show clip below, gives all the background you need. Continue Reading
Posted on 03 March 2014.
Dateline: OTTAWA—Backed by a majority of Canadians, the Canadian government has passed a resolution urging Ukrainians to stop fighting and to handle their internal conflict by being more boring, like Canadians.
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