Archive | The Rest

4K Glossy News Review – One Hour Weekly Podcast is LIVE!

4K Glossy News Review – One Hour Weekly Podcast is LIVE!

Today GlossyNews launches the official podcast.

Technology, jokes, religion, Double-D list celebrities and more all feature prominently, so for the love of web, give it at least a solid five minutes of attention.

Celebrity guests will only get bigger by the show, and the quality is climbing by the podisode, so check it out and subscribe! Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Podcasts, Video News0 Comments

The Jreat Gif Pronunciation Debate

The Jreat Gif Pronunciation Debate

There controversy over the pronunciation of the file type “.gif” is hotly contested, but there can only be one right answer.

Don’t ask Jeff, Geoff, Gary, Gerald, Jason, George or Jorge, but their anecdotal life experience means nothing to this debate.

There are no giraffes in Jurassic park, but you can buy a toy gun in the gift shop.

When Compuserve engineers invented the .gif file type, a small, animated image file, they made it clear exactly how it is meant to be pronounced. Well, not right away, but within a mere generation and a half. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Podcasts, Video News0 Comments

Summer Worker Meets Famous Golfers, They’re Dicks

Summer Worker Meets Famous Golfers, They’re Dicks

College summer jobs in the service industry can haphazardly introduce the young to celebrities big and small.

Some celebrity jerk stories are obvious and believable, but others involve caricatures of characters who/which are down right unbelievable.

Hard to swallow, if you will.

This is a true story of one summer worker’s chance encounter with two of the biggest has-been celebrities in modern culture, and how they just didn’t live up to their reputations. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Podcasts, Video News1 Comment

The case against marriage equality for left-handed people

The case against marriage equality for left-handed people

It’s time patriotic, flag-waving Americans stand up for our God-given right to oppose any minority group that makes us feel slightly uncomfortable.

The time is now to raise arms – and legs – against the moral decay of this once great land. Join me in opposing the misguided policy of marriage equality for left-handed people. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Society1 Comment

Glossy News Podcast Comes 7/27/15, and I Need Your Help!

Glossy News Podcast Comes 7/27/15, and I Need Your Help!

Some have called him “funny,” “awesome,” and “kind,” but as kind as they are, my kids won’t be able to listen to my podcast for adult language and themes.

On July 27th, the Glossy News podcast will launch with five Podisodes already ready to go. It started as a “free” project, but it’s quickly blossomed into something far more sinister, amazing and expensive.

You can see a mediocre 22-minute preview of the podcast below, but the important thing is that I need your help! Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Internets Tubes, Podcasts, Video News0 Comments

America is the greatest nation on earth – In your FACE, Denmark

America is the greatest nation on earth – In your FACE, Denmark

On July 4th, we will once again celebrate our independence from the tyranny of England.

Those British monarchs can be so oppressive.

If it were up to Queen Elizabeth, we’d all be forced to drink Earl Grey tea with every meal.

Every year at this time, Americans proudly mark our independence with fireworks, burgers on the grill and binge drinking. And why shouldn’t we? Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Society0 Comments

U.S. Steps Up Iraq’s Military Training by Attaching American Heads to Iraqi Bodies

U.S. Steps Up Iraq’s Military Training by Attaching American Heads to Iraqi Bodies

Dateline: ARLINGTON COUNTY—American military officials order surgical attachment of American soldiers’ heads to the bodies of Iraqi soldiers to improve Iraq’s military training.

Prior efforts to train democratic Iraq’s military have been stymied. Instead of fighting Islamic State insurgents, Iraq’s soldiers became infamous for fleeing the battlefield, allowing waves of IS fighters to control key sectors of Iraq.

“The problem,” says U.S. General Buttercup, “was the training that had already been done not just in Iraq but throughout the Middle East. Those folks had trained for decades to be tribal theocrats, to be Sunni, Shia, and so on. Their traditions go back many centuries.

“For example, IS fighters are Sunni and most of Northern and Northwestern Iraq is also Sunni. Iraq’s government is dominated now by Shias, so the Sunni soldiers and tribesmen don’t want to fight fellow Sunnis. Nor do they want to fight for their Shia leaders.”

“It’s a case of a clash of indoctrinations,” says an American military psychologist. “Muslim sectarianism is deep-seated, because the Middle Eastern countries are tribal, meaning that from a very early age Muslims are taught to identify with only a subset of Muslims, not to mention other humans. That’s the start of their extensive training.

“Now Americans want to retrain Iraq’s soldiers’ to be liberal humanists, to see past their tribal and religious allegiances. Alas, each soldier has only one brain. American training techniques are unparalleled, but no matter how hard you train a brain that’s already been thoroughly trained to adhere to a vastly different mindset, you’ll run out of room in that brain to store your memes and mores.”

General Buttercup concurs with that analysis. “I told President Obama from the start,” says Buttercup. “We’ve got to give those already-trained Iraqis a second brain. Their brains were full of Muslim nonsense before Bush had invaded Iraq. We spent a decade and hundreds of millions of dollars training Iraq’s military to fight for Western values and interests. But how could even all of that overcome centuries of Middle Eastern history and tradition?

“It’s like flapping your arms to see if they’ll fly. No, it took millions of years of evolution to get them to work like arms rather than wings. You’re not going to overcome that anytime soon. But what if you could add wings to the human form? That’s what planes are for.”

For budgetary reasons, President Obama selected brains that have already been trained at world-renowned military bases in the United States. According to military sources, these soldiers’ sacrifice is part of the U.S. effort to win hearts and minds in the region.

“Their minds are opposed to ours,” says General Buttercup. “They’re Muslims and we’re Christians. They’re used to theocracies and dictatorships. We love our political and economic liberties. What we need is a meeting of minds, so we’re attaching hundreds of American military heads to Iraqi bodies.”

Instead of undoing Muslim and tribal indoctrinations, which would require beheading the Iraqis, the hope is that the new heads will compensate for the un-American worldview.

“We don’t do beheading. It’s just not in our playbook,” says Buttercup. “If we could train the Iraqis to be American by beheading them, believe me I’d be all for it. But I can’t go against my training.”

“No one trains harder than us,” says USMC Staff Sergeant Kyle Killsalot. “You just wouldn’t believe how hard I trained. If you asked my opinion of whether I approve of having my head surgically attached to an Iraqi soldier’s body, you wouldn’t get it. I have no independent opinions since I serve my military collective, my brothers in arms. Believe me, I’ll whip that Iraqi into shape and there will be no more running from insurgents. If he tries to run I’ll turn my head and spit in his eye.”

Share

Posted in Making Headlines, War Zone4 Comments

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (3/3)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (3/3)

Phew! I’m worn out.

Or maybe just in a vaguely soporific state.

It was all fun and amusing to start with, but I think the novelty’s worn off.

Gets a bit samey after a while.

Still, I always like to honor my purely fleeting, voluntary and radically contingent contractual commitments to the international-satire-misreading-and-red-herring-web-comment-community. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Making Headlines, Religionism0 Comments

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (2/3)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (2/3)

OK, the sky hasn’t fallen in….

Yet.

Just gotta keep going, I suppose.

Cosmic E-Cheek Ass Slicer

OK, this one is a little bit nastier, if also somewhat more fun…

And it’s only for the more experienced, intrepidly kinky fetish types. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Making Headlines, Religionism0 Comments

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (1/3)

Scientology Sex Toys Taking Over Our Godly Galaxy!!! (1/3)

Oof! Sorry for the mildly sensationalist headline. I never quite got over not getting to be a top reporter for the Galactical Enquirer.

Still, somewhat more crucially, I must inform you of the existential spiritual peril facing you and your family. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Making Headlines, Religionism0 Comments

How Condoms are REALLY Used (Home School Video)

How Condoms are REALLY Used (Home School Video)

Condoms are funny because they are balloons guys put on their wieners, but they’re also deadly serious.

They can be the thin blue shield between you and HIV, but they also come in purple as well as they purple-in the… well, you know.

The problem is that red states, specifically home schoolers, don’t get safe sex education. They have higher rates of sexually transmitted outbreaks, higher teen pregnancy, and it also feels better for teens who don’t deserve it. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Kidz Zone, Video News0 Comments

Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (2/2)

Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (2/2)

Sorry, son. I know I was hard on you (and me?) last time.

Still, it’s all downhill from here, don’t worry.

6. You’re twisting my words.

OK, so you know words are subject to interpretation. That’s a start.

So why is your interpretation of your own words so important? Every time you open your mouth or set pen to paper, everyone has to focus on what you “originally meant?” Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Society0 Comments

Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (1/2)

Top 8 “Thwarted Knight” Excuses (1/2)

Everybody knows it’s REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HARD TO BE A MAN!!!

;(

And when you’re part of a tragically oppressed subaltern group like yours, there’s no shortage of excuses for justifying your perfectly noble and laudable addiction to telling women to quit telling men what we do wrong.

Still, here’s why you/we might think twice about using these old chestnuts in future… Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Society1 Comment

“But Immigration is Complex…” Uh-uh! Not so Fast!

“But Immigration is Complex…” Uh-uh! Not so Fast!

Coming up to the 2015 General Election, the inflammatory rhetoric of UKIP is a worrying feature of the complex political scene in the UK.

It’s always been complex, of course…

Well, we have had politicians who have expanded the suffrage and decriminalised homosexuality. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Opinon/Editorial, Politics, World News1 Comment

Our Crowdfunded North Korea Movie is Chugging Along, but it Needs Your Help

Our Crowdfunded North Korea Movie is Chugging Along, but it Needs Your Help

Kim Jong-Un is reportedly flipping his shit since the wide release of “The Interview”, which even his most dastardly designs did nothing to diminish.

We’re about halfway done filming ours, and I must say, it… looks… amazing. “The Interview” was pure Hollywood, but ours aims to really take the piss out of him and his absurd hermit kingdom.

Here is a pre-pre-trailer to show you what we’ve got so far, but if you scroll down far enough and read things close enough, you’ll get to see an actual clip from the movie to show you what we’re doing. Continue Reading

Share

Posted in Internets Tubes, Politics, Video News7 Comments

Better parenting through polling

Better parenting through polling

When it comes to parenting, I don’t always make the best decisions. I’m not always sure what the right thing to do is in a difficult situation.

Like the time our elder daughter begged and pleaded with me to let her drive the car to the mall. It was a sunny day. Traffic was light. And she had behaved extremely well all week long. So against my better judgment, I said okay. Two minutes later, she smashed the car into a stop sign barely 100 yards from our driveway. A part of me can’t help but wonder whether in retrospect I made a mistake giving in to the incessant pleadings of an eight-year-old to drive my minivan.

Sometimes my wife questions my ability to make the right call. Heck, she rarely listens to any of my opinions unless at least four complete strangers tell her the exact same thing – which got me to thinking: maybe the way for me to make better parenting decisions is to poll the opinions of total strangers.

In the most recent presidential election, the polls were incredibly accurate forecasters of people’s voting preferences. Nate Silver’s 538 blog accurately predicted the Electoral College winner in all fifty states. Politicians use polls all the time to help them decide how to vote. Should we legalize gay marriage? Poll your constituents. Should we cut defense spending? Do a poll. Should we ban hurricanes during the last week of a presidential campaign? (97% of Republicans resoundingly voted yes.)

I figure, maybe I can learn a thing or two from those politicians. That’s why I’ve decided to stop listening to my inner voice when confronted by a difficult parenting issue. Now I make all my important parenting decisions by means of polling. I have benefitted from the collective wisdom of a much broader community in many matters:

Poll Question #1: What punishment is appropriate for our elder daughter, who missed curfew for the third time in two weeks, giving the lame excuse that she missed the last bus from the library and had to walk the six miles home? According to my poll of 328 Boston Red Sox season ticket holders:

• 59% said that I should give her some slack since, after all, she was studying at the library.
• 24% said I should talk with her and ask her what she thinks the consequences should be.
• 9% said she’s had plenty of warnings and I should ground her until spring training.
• 8% said I should put in a pinch hitter and attempt a bunt to move the runner on second over to third.

parenting by polling - childrenPoll Question #2: The last time our younger daughter cleaned up her room, Michele Bachmann was leading in the Republican race for president. Her room now looks like a home in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. What should I do? I polled 147 Guatemalan goat herders and here’s how they weighed in on the matter:

• 37% said that unless it presents a safety issue, I should just let it go. Pick my battles.
• 29% said a sloppy room is a sign of disrespect for the head of the household. She should be punished by having to sleep outside with the goats in their pen for 20 nights.
• 34% said “What is a Michele Bachmann?”
• 100% said, “Your daughter has her own room?”

Poll Question #3: Our two teenage daughters squabble all the time. Lately their arguments have escalated into nasty name-calling with curse words and profanity. What should I do about this the next time they start after each other? I polled 275 Amish families in Lancaster, PA, and here is how they responded:

• 39% said that this is typical teenage behavior and I should not intervene. Let them sort it out.
• 28% said take away all their consumer electronic devices for a week. The Amish have lived without cell phones for years; the girls can survive without theirs for a week.
• 18% said that the girls’ use of curse words is an affront to God. Teach them a lesson in cooperation by making them build a barn together – no power tools allowed.
• 15% said when they’re done building the barn, they can start working on the grain silo. It’s in serious need of repairs. And while they’re at it, it wouldn’t kill them to repaint the school.

But after they voted, they discussed the issue further. And to my surprise, they all changed their minds – and unanimously voted for shunning.

parenting by polling - Bolivian womenUsing this polling system has dramatically reduced my stress level. I can’t actually say it’s helped me arrive at any better parenting decisions, but at least now I can point the blame somewhere else. Next time my wife gets on my case about a bad parenting decision and screeches, “Who in the world thought it was a good idea to let our daughter have a pet llama?” My response is simple: “A focus group of Peruvian llama ranchers, honey.”

In a few cases, however, the feedback has been perplexing. I polled a group of Tea Party activists about how to discuss the dangers of drinking and driving with my college-age daughter. 87% of respondents said the critical thing I need to do is to lower taxes, repeal Obamacare, and get the federal government out of my life. I’m not really sure what this has to do with the dangers of drinking and driving. Maybe if I dress up as George Washington it will make more sense to me.

My wife is not on board yet with my new parenting approach. She is old-fashioned. Amusingly, she still thinks the best approach is to stay calm, be clear in our expectations and apply logical consequences for our children’s poor choices. Sounds like way too much work, if you ask me.

Frankly, I’m not so sure my wife’s outdated parenting methodology works any better than my new system. So I polled 195 soccer dads about which approach they feel is more effective, mine or hers. They were divided on the question. But there was an overwhelming consensus on a related issue: They all agreed the coach does not give their kid nearly enough playing time.

Share

Posted in Kidz Zone, Opinon/Editorial0 Comments

Page 1 of 2412345...1020...Last »
Glossy News Fake Commercials!





Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Visit the “Old Version” of our Site

     
Still want more? Find thousands of buried satirical gems in our archives on the old version of Glossy News!

Check This Out!

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

30 posts
8 posts
1 post
1 post
1 post
1 post


All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial