Archive | Television

Colbert Snubbed Unpopular Obama in Series Finale

Colbert Snubbed Unpopular Obama in Series Finale

In the series finale of The Colbert Report, dozens of musical, political, film and other celebrities made an appearance… Obama participated, but was cut from the show.

Almost 50 guests appearead live on-stage during the prolonged, rousing rendition of “We’ll Meet Again” with the addition of a number of pre-recorded segments spliced in. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television0 Comments

Farewell to a Legend. RIP Conservative Stephen Colbert

Farewell to a Legend. RIP Conservative Stephen Colbert

As a fake news man myself, I’ve been a loyal devotee of Stephen Colbert since before the pseudo-pundit had his own show.

Thursday, the legendary difference-maker signed off as his quasi-conservative self for the last time.

I watched the very first episode, and in the 1,447 episode run, I’ve probably only missed a dozen. Continue Reading

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Blagojevich Turns Air Blue, Flame-Grills Gordon Ramsay’s Ass (NSFW)

Blagojevich Turns Air Blue, Flame-Grills Gordon Ramsay’s Ass (NSFW)

Rod Blagojevich hasn’t been content with his recent numerous high profile media appearances.

You know, Celebrity Apprentice, biased FOX/MSNBC news reports, Oprah Winfrey…

And even the “Wanted” posters pinned up in a certain large urban settlement in Illinois.

So he’s decided that in order to really hit the big-time again, and be “wanted” in a much “nicer” way, an appearance on Celebrity Career Re-boot (Culinary Version) was a pressing necessity. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television2 Comments

Rush Bans Bibles From US Schools, Buchanan Equivocal(-ish) (I)

Rush Bans Bibles From US Schools, Buchanan Equivocal(-ish) (I)

Normally it’s the Democratic Party that is accused of Warring-Against-Christianity™ and Driving-God-Out-Of-The-Schools™.

But now the conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has jumped on the Pinko-Liberal-Secular-Darwinianist-Homosexual-Bandwagon:

I mean, people are talking about all these superstitious and fanatical texts… that Quran book, Dianetics, Das Kapital, the Miley Cyrus autobiography… Continue Reading

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Posted in Religionism, Television0 Comments

Kim Kardashian Introduces $Rashtags on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Kim Kardashian Introduces $Rashtags on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

New York City – Kim Kardashian added comedian to her long list of professions, Friday night, in front of a sold out crowd on The Tonight Show at NBC Studios.

Kardashian was joined by other celebrity guests including Michael Phelps, who recently found out the love of his life, a girl he met on the dating app, Tinder, was actually a man and the stars of the Dumb and Dumber remake, Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. Continue Reading

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Poll: Over 50% of US Women Have Been Drugged, Improperly Touched by Cosby

Poll: Over 50% of US Women Have Been Drugged, Improperly Touched by Cosby

Bill Cosby’s PR nightmare has gotten worse. In addition to the original seven to fourteen women who accused the formerly beloved comedian of sexual assault, more and more women have spoken up in a show of solidarity with their abused sisters.

It has gotten to the point that pollsters estimate that half of all women in the United States now claim they were drugged and raped by Bill Cosby. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television2 Comments

Maddow Vindicates Hillary Over Inoffensive “Dead New Yorker” Comments

Maddow Vindicates Hillary Over Inoffensive “Dead New Yorker” Comments

Not so long ago, I told you how top photogenic political superstar Hillary Clinton was arbitrarily and unfairly accused of upsetting some mourners at a funeral…

With some (admittedly) fairly ill-timed, ill-judged, and most crucially, vindictively-taken-out-of-context comments™.

These comments were eerily and disturbingly reminiscent of the comments the mainstream media maliciously and unjustifiably accuse her of making at the Benghazi enquiry. Continue Reading

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Five Political Reality Shows Actually in Production

Five Political Reality Shows Actually in Production

With last season’s debut of “Naked and Afraid”, it appears that the TV reality show well might be running dry. Having exploited everything from dating to cooking to home improvement, it looks like the reality genre has finally been exhausted.

Luckily for TV producers, there is still one fertile field of TV reality endeavor that’s ripe for the plucking, namely politics as evidenced by these proposed reality shows soon to spring forth from the drawing board: Continue Reading

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“Autistic Savants Inspiring,” Says Cable TV Diversity Pimp

“Autistic Savants Inspiring,” Says Cable TV Diversity Pimp

Surprisingly, it just so happens that crappy low-budget cable shows have given in to the perpetual “progressive pressure” that is self-indulgently and self-promotingly applied by a certain variety of limousine-liberal, ivory-tower benefactor known as a “diversity expert.”

Yes: the PC cause du jour of Big Disability, to wit, giving autistic/Asperger’s people “more representation” in the media, is one that Big Cable is pretty damn down with. Although obviously, letting us “special folks” speak for OURSELVES is quite clearly not on the menu. Have a look at what the following highly talented and benevolent television personality had to say…

Now, quite understandably, you may think this consummately dumb-looking kid is incapable of wiping his ass. I mean, I gotta tell you, that was my first thought when seeing this very special and beloved child.

Same for his parents, who despaired of their apparently thick-as-shit offspring ever making anything of himself; could he ever transcend his deplorably cavernous and introverted existence? But wait till you see part two of this incredible and inspiring story…

Well… we’re back already, after our fifteenth commercial break of this episode. Hope you enjoyed the ads! I mean, Wal-mart and How I Met Your Mother are literally great, aren’t they? I mean, I’m obviously not endorsing the crap from our ad-breaks, as such; I mean, just sayin’. …

And speakin’ of just sayin’, Tim Allen has a great ass, doesn’t he? I’m sure all you single ladies and whoever else out there totally agree!

Anyways, this kid looks a bit of a waste of space. Well, more than a BIT of a waste of space; how much taxpayer’s welfare money has been wasted on his voluminous array of Dr Who DVDs and obscure Japanese anime?

Yeah… gotta be honest with you, this was my first impression. And the second, and third, thousandth-and-yada-yada-yada, whatever. Bit of a lost cause, I’m not gonna lie.

But one day, the parents of this marvelous, incredible and inspiring child™ discovered that all along, he had been secretly taking down books from his parent’s bookshelves, and actually READING them.

Yes, reading them. I am telling you, seriously, he was READING them; actually, literally reading them; really! For real! No shit! Cross my heart and hope to die!

Well… talk about inspiring! But; oh my gosh, you’re not gonna believe this! Wait for it… this kid now works in a library; they even PAY him; and he actually WRITES BOOKS of his own!

I mean seriously, I SWEAR, I am NOT kidding you! Hard to believe, I know! Like, literally: proper, actual books! I mean, not cute and amusing and “that’s nice, dear” pencil sketches of Mommy and Daddy and the family puppy: actual books!

…Like, history and poetry and the kind of stuff that normal, reasonably intelligent folks like you or me™ literally wouldn’t be ashamed at all to read; can you ACTUALLY believe it?

I mean, this is just absolutely incredible! Seriously! Talk about an autistic savant™, huh? I mean, next week, I’ve got some more inspiring stories of ordinary common salt-of the-earth folks™ overcoming absolutely INCREDIBLE odds™; but as always, hard to say in advance if we can top this one.

Yeah, this kid is simply DYNAMITE-on-a-stick; not to mention diversity-on-a-stick! The kaleidoscopic abundance of diversity in our glorious Technicolor world of every tribe and nation just about makes me want to jizz in my pants!

Like, oh my gosh, I just love diversity! It would be pretty boring if we were all the same, wouldn’t it?™ I’d hate that! It’s great when these fantastic people who are, you know, just a wee bit different and pretty damn intriguing and inexplicable, add a smidgen of exotic color and interest to our lives!

I mean, he’s just warmed my heart to blazes, I tell ya! Like, OMG, dude! What an incredible transformation™: from Captain Autism to Captain Inspirational!

By the way, stay tuned; in a couple of minutes, your absolute FAVORITE: the next fabulous episode of “Cable TV’s Animal Videos that You Have Probably Never Seen Before but Really Wish You Hadn’t!”

Yeah, we have some simply fantastic award-winning and stunningly original sound effects on this coming episode, that you DEFINITELY won’t have heard before; swiiiing, wheeeeeeeeee, kik-kik, tee-hee-hee, ha-ha, op-bop-bop! PONGGGGGGGGG!

Don’t miss it… you’ll regret it! Oh my gosh, I just love this stuff! Autistic savants, performing animals, don’t we just live in a simply wonderful world!

OMG, talked a bit too much, this one time at least; well, we shoulda been on the 37th ad-break by now! Hee hee! Oh, isn’t cable TV simply fantastic!

OK, seen it! We all know the sort of crap that people put out to make themselves feel “nice” and “caring;” hell, maybe even “progressive” and “enlightened,” at a push. In the near future, find out how this feel-good gushy sentimentality has even contaminated mainstream, fairly-orthodox-but-not-fundamentalist-as-such-Christianity™.

P.S. Interesting and unprecedentedly shocking factoid #68: not all people with Asperger’s or autism are “left-leaning social justice warriors.” Bet that surprised you!

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New Postage Stamp Baked as a Tribute to Extinct Restaurant Chain

New Postage Stamp Baked as a Tribute to Extinct Restaurant Chain

Washington, D.C. – In an effort to promote breadstick awareness following the loss of America’s beloved restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, the United States Postal Service has announced the release of a set of commemorative stamps honoring the breadsticks that were once offered complimentary with the purchase of any entrée.

“It’s a great day to be an American!” Said Lindsay Bahkedfriesh, President of the National Breadstick Association (N.B.A.).

“We need to spread the word regarding this tragic event so that we can avoid similar instances in the future. The Olive Garden breadstick will always have a place in our hearts and now Americans can be proud to erect this historic stamp in the right-hand corner of their envelopes,” a tearful Bahkedfriesh added, while sealing the back of an envelope with the garlic butter from a moist breadstick.

While some are joyful for the release of the new stamp, environmentalists see it as a sign of dangerous events to come.

“Since the collapse of this great restaurant, combined with the extinction of breadsticks that used to come complimentary with the order of any entrée, we have been tracking very unusual weather patterns that mimic the image of a large salad bowl,” said Lead Meteorologist, Gerald O’Buttre of the National Weather Center (NWC) located on the University of Oklahoma’s campus.

“These storms are picking up speed and ingredients at an alarming pace and are making mincemeat of anything in their path,” a very concerned O’Buttre added.

The Syfy channel, owned by NBCUniversal recently announced that they are releasing a made-for-tv movie entitled Breadsterastorm, portraying this theory and starring Eddie Murphy, Bill Pullman and America’s breadheart, Catherine Zeta-Jones. The film is expected to air Thanksgiving Day and is beginning to attract more interest from breadthusiasts everywhere.

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Posted in Science, Television5 Comments

Amidst Crisis in Gaza, Fox Announces New Reality Series ‘Going Gazan’

Amidst Crisis in Gaza, Fox Announces New Reality Series ‘Going Gazan’

In a move sure to invite controversy, Fox Television executive Brandon Webber yesterday announced the network has just completed shooting a pilot for a planned reality series set on the border between Israel and the Gaza Strip.

‘Going Gazan,’ which Webber describes as a “rough synthesis” of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ and ‘Breaking Bad,’ is filmed in the Israeli city of Sderot, which lies less than a mile from Gaza.

It follows the relationship between the Coens (Joel, a plastic surgeon; his wife Sarah, a fashion designer and interior decorator; and their two children) and the Hadads (Alim, a banker; his wife Ayah, a psychiatrist; and their three children). Continue Reading

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Sharknado: The Second One Bites!

Sharknado: The Second One Bites!

I have to admit, I liked the first Sharknado. It was so unpretentiously bad with an overtly self-mocking flavor, it was easy to just sit back and enjoy the total disregard for logic.

When they announced a sequel, I exercised the same cautious enthusiasm I had about a Piranha 3D sequel. These things can either get better with a bigger budget…or crash and burn like flaming hammerheads.

Guess which path Sharknado: The Second One followed? Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Television2 Comments

Megyn Kelly is Still a Massive Twat, But Mitt Romney Has a Huge Wang (Censored Version)

Megyn Kelly is Still a Massive Twat, But Mitt Romney Has a Huge Wang (Censored Version)

Megyn Kelly, anchor of some white guy’s network, is still being pursued by liberals and stuff, claiming that her blatant and sour opinions that put people to shame were morally wrong and shouldn’t be on a comedy network such as FOX news. Continue Reading

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Posted in Politics, Television3 Comments

Piggy Adam Richman Mocks Critic; Beats Eating Crap Out of Him

Piggy Adam Richman Mocks Critic; Beats Eating Crap Out of Him

Piggy Adam Richman Mocks Critic; Beats Eating the Crap Out of Him (Family-Friendly Censored Version)

Mr. Piggy Adam Richman, a titty overweight eater, who had his very own show on the Travel Channel mocked his “critics” by posting a comment, “Grab a razor blade and draw a bath.”

He later went on to apologize and calm the tits out of everyone before he went to panic mode. The stunt surprised everyone, given the fact that Adam only eats when he’s mad. Putting a comment such as may as well saved his life from another heart attack. Poor fatty. Continue Reading

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Posted in Health, Television0 Comments

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Is there too much sex on TV? (Part 2)

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Is there too much sex on TV? (Part 2)

Announcer: Continuing their “Yucky World” interview with network programmer Seymour Dooless, Dick and Janey will be using examples of televised sexual situations.

Dick: We’ve brought a TV monitor into our studio so that we can show scenes from some typical TV shows.

Janey: Our first show is the daytime soap opera, “The Young and the Feckless”. Let’s see what’s going on.

She #2: Well, he kept bugging me, and we kept getting closer and closer, and finally we did it.
She #1: Did you use any protection?
She #2: Why? They never do on TV.
She #1: Right.
She #2: I can’t wait until I turn sixteen, so I can really start dating.

Janey: No surprises there. Any comments, Mr. Dooless?

Dooless: Well, this doesn’t have any influence on children because they’re at school when it’s on TV.

Janey: What if they record it?

Dooless: Then it’s their parents’ responsibility.

when-did-tv-get-so-dirty
Dick: Gee, I never knew any girls like that when I was in high school.

Dick: What about summer vacation?

Dooless: Kids are outside playing during the summer.

Janey: Playing what? Doctor?

Dick: We used to play “Doctor” when I was a kid, but I never got a chance to understand the game.

Janey: Still no surprises.

Dick: I was the outside security guard for our clubhouse hospital. It was pretty quiet in there, so the game couldn’t have been much fun.

Janey: Su-u-re, Dick. Now, let’s take a look at our second selection, the prime time series, “Let My Family Be”.

She: He only tries to sneak out once a week to see his mistress.
He: Can’t you encourage him to go out more?
She: He might get suspicious.
He: I’ve missed you so, Darling!
She: It’s been so long, Dear!

Dick: Does this kind of stuff with mistresses really go on?

Janey: More than you might think, Dick. Especially on TV!

Dick: Well, can a single man have a mistress or do you have to be married?

Janey: Why don’t you ask your mother, Dick?

Dick: She’d just tell me to ask my father.

Janey: And?

Dick: He’d just tell me to watch more TV and ask fewer questions.

Dooless: You have to remember, this is an evening show. It’s up to parents if they want their children to see it. Besides, some of us view these affairs as nothing more than peccadillos.

Dick: Well, why can’t they pick on something other than a dillo?

These are actual screen grabs from Days of Our Lives. Too hot to handle, according to some.

These are actual screen grabs from Days of Our Lives. Too hot to handle, according to some.

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“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Is there too much sex on TV? (Part 1)

“Yucky World” with Dick and Janey: Is there too much sex on TV? (Part 1)

Announcer: Fictional TV shows are often criticized for having too much sex on them. Dick and Janey, talks show hosts of “Yucky World”, will be discussing this issue with network programmer Seymour Dooless.

Janey: Our topic for today asks the question “Is there too much sex on TV?” This program may not be appropriate for children. Parental discretion is advised.

Dick: Has it gone that far?

Janey: Has what gone where?

Dick: You know…

Janey: Speak up, Dick!

Dick: Sex…

Janey: Yes?

Dick: …on television.

Janey: That depends on what you mean by “how far”?

Dick: Sounds like a question from my last date.

Janey: You’re dating?

Dick: Well, it was actually a blind date.

Janey: And?

Dick: She asked me how far I wanted to go.

Janey: And you said…

Dick: That I didn’t want to leave the county.

Janey: Oh-kay, Dick. Mr. Dooless, is there more sex on TV?

Dooless: Yes, but we think that’s what’s happening in real life, too.

Janey: There was an episode on “How I Met Your Mother” where one of the main characters achieved his goal of a “perfect week” by having sex with seven different women. Do you think that’s real life?

As a teen in the late 80s, this was about as hot as it got on television.

As a teen in the late 80s, this was about as hot as it got on television.

Dooless: Well, you know, TV characters aren’t your average people.

Janey: But they’re watched by average people.

Dick: And their kids.

Janey: Who may not see the real life consequences of all this sexual activity.

Dick: A Rand study found that teens who watched racy TV shows were much more likely to become pregnant than those who didn’t watch those shows.

Dooless: Fictional television stories aren’t real. We’re not responsible for what happens in real life.

Janey: You may have just said the key words, Mr. Dooless.

Dooless: Really? What were they?

Janey: “Not responsible”.

Dick: How about influential? Do you see TV shows as influencing people’s lives?

Dooless: We provide entertainment for people.

Janey: You will admit that sponsors buy advertising time to try to influence the audience to buy their products.

Dooless: Sure, but that’s different. Products advertised on TV are real. Therefore, they can be influential and have real life consequences.

Janey: But fictional TV shows are…

Dooless: Unreal!

Janey: I think we’d better break for a commercial. This whole conversation is beginning to seem awfully unreal.

Dick: That’s what my blind date said about me.

Janey: That you were unreal?

Dick: Right! And my mother even agreed with her.

Janey: Your mother?

Dick: Yeah. She was in the backseat with a map of the county.

Oh yeah, that's the stuff. She's distorted as hell and probably looks like that in real life, but this sad travesty was the reality kids had to work with before the internet made adult themes ubiquitous and effortless to find.

Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. She’s distorted as hell and probably looks like that in real life, but this sad travesty was the reality kids had to work with before the internet made adult themes ubiquitous and effortless to find.

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