Archive | Television

Cantankerous Collaborator Steven Colbert to Take Over for Lame Liberal Lefty Letterman

Cantankerous Collaborator Steven Colbert to Take Over for Lame Liberal Lefty Letterman

The ultimate traitor, Steven Colbert, has sold his soul and gone over to the dark side of the Force.
In signing a deal with CBS, probably with a pinprick and a signature in blood, he has given up his proud conservative legacy for filthy lucre.

Once a true leader and outspoken critic on all things evil and liberal in our pure Aryan society (evil and liberal being the same thing), he has now turned into a horse of another color when offered a shot at fame and fortune. Continue Reading

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Television0 Comments

Millionaire tricks CNN into stopping its Coverage of Missing Malaysian Plane

Millionaire tricks CNN into stopping its Coverage of Missing Malaysian Plane

Dateline: ATLANTA—Elderly oddball millionaire, Huey Longbottom, shuns the internet and receives all of his news from CNN, but taking no interest in the missing Malaysian plane, which CNN has covered exhaustively for several weeks, Longbottom orchestrated several bizarre spectacles to garner CNN’s attention and entice the news channel to exchange its lead story.
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Posted in Making Headlines, Television0 Comments

Physicist Detects Origin of CBS Hit “The Big Bang Theory”

Physicist Detects Origin of CBS Hit “The Big Bang Theory”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – This week physicist Dr. George H. Gebbins finally pinpointed the very beginning of what has been called The Big Bang Theory, thanks to the detection of essentially a beam of light that has been traveling the universe for years.

“I’ve been following The Big Bang Theory for some time now, since I first heard it discussed around the dinner table at Thanksgiving. However, it felt like no one had ever been able to pinpoint the origin, leaving its entire nature a mystery,” said Gebbins. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Television13 Comments

Cosmos Show embroiled in Legal Controversy with Churches

Cosmos Show embroiled in Legal Controversy with Churches

Dateline: LOS ANGELES—Dozens of churches in the United States are collectively suing the producers of Cosmos, the reboot of the television show previously hosted by Carl Sagan, for “stealing the Christian shtick.”

The filed complaint was obtained by the press and it alleges that the first episode of the show portrays Giordano Bruno as a Christ-like figure, while the second episode sanctifies the DNA molecule.
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Posted in Religionism, Science, Television5 Comments

Oklahoma TV Station “Accidentally” Cuts 38-Minutes from Cosmos Evolution Episode

Oklahoma TV Station “Accidentally” Cuts 38-Minutes from Cosmos Evolution Episode

Last week, controversy erupted when the local FOX affiliate in Oklahoma City allegedly suffered technical difficulties during the only 14-seconds dealing with evolution. Perhaps the Lord moves in ways more mysterious than we’d imagined.

Host Neil DeGrasse Tyson explained that he believed it was a mistake, and that this week’s episode, which dealt almost exclusively with the issue of evolution, would put doubts aside for good, and he was right. Continue Reading

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Posted in Science & Technologizzy, Television10 Comments

FOX Television Found To Be Riddled With Subversives.

FOX Television Found To Be Riddled With Subversives.

The conservative news agency FOX News has been found to be riddled with subversives, anarchic souls whose unwholesome lifestyles do not conform to FOX’s strict right leaning policies. Even more surprising, some of these cancerous maladies that weaken the proud morality this nation is based upon have apparently been operating within FOX’s orbit for decades.

The worst of these moles is an entire family of malcontents whose code name is ‘The Simpsons’. Dwelling for decades under the pretense of being an All American Family in the Midwest heartland of Springfield, the antics of this troupe has been corrosive to the very spirit that this country holds to be holy. FOX has apparently not only supported this anarchic bunch for decades, but has profited immensely from their antics.

The family members of the Simpsons makes for a Who’s Who of American traitors to the cause that would equal the Rosenberg’s. This clan of USA underminers include the father, Homer Simpson who is the veritable anti-theses of the the ideal American male. Bald, fat, crude, vulgar and weak-kneed in the face of jelly donuts, he is….um…..oh, forget it! He actually is the symbol of the modern American male.

Let’s go on to his son, Bart Simpson who is the veritable image of a trouble making, rabble rousing brat, already molded into the mentality of being acid to all the good virtues that the USA is known for. Add to that his sister Lisa, already at the age of eight a feminist lesbian in the making, already possessing radical ideas and ready to burn her bra at a moments notice were she old enough to wear one.

Some of these communists in sheep’s clothing have already spread their virus through the FOX channels and passed beyond. The 70′s Show followed the mayhem ignited in the Wisconsin of aforesaid decade by a gang of depraved small town kids. Their mop headed, lust fueled lives marked the decade that most dismantled the stalwart Calvinistic morals our forefathers baptized this land in. Their engaging in beer, per-marital sex, establishment by-passing teenage lifestyles imbued and illustrated the pot infused decadence that under 21′s of that time wallowed in and still do.

It is strange to think that in all this time those guardians of the gates of our moral and political purity- Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Ann Coulter and the other saints of FOX’s conservative elite, have not seen this peril within their very midst and spoken out against it. Some skeptics theorize that these very subversive elements have ironically helped to fund FOX’s war chest with their vast appeal and popularity. This would make FOX a two faced entity which could surely not ever be true.

Other red underwear wearing series that have appeared on FOX that bear scrutinizing include:

Family Guy- another Rosenberg-esque family portraying family virtues while engaging in every manner of decadence possible ( Family guys creator has revealed his Red roots publicly at his hosting of last years Academy awards).

Ally McBeal- featuring such un-American institutions as a shared male-female restroom in a law firm (Gasp!).

The Chevy Chase Show- is there anyone more Un-American than Chevy Chase?

Futurama- a apocalyptic warning of the future for all patriots if there ever was one.

MAD-TV- a gold standard for badly moraled people setting bad examples like dandelion seeds in the wind.

The Wanda Sykes Show- destroying white American one joke at a time.

Joan Rivers The Late Show- allegedly the originator of undermining American values sometime back around World War I.

Married….With Children- the show that first set the status quo for the new dyfunctionality in American families.

The Tracy Ullman Show- bringing in a foreigner to help bring down America.

The George Carlin Show- the King of the hippies and dopers himself being given a show on FOX? Heaven forbid!

Patriots, it is time for a pogrom at FOX Television! We need a McCarthy-esque witch hunt to rid our most American of stations of its moles. Let us all grab our guns and head over to Australian Ruppert Murdoch’s office right now!

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Kardashians Slam Kendall Jenner’s “Boob Walk”

Kardashians Slam Kendall Jenner’s “Boob Walk”

The Internet is all a twitter over Kendall Jenner’s romp down the catwalk at Thurdays New York Fashion Week dressed in a shear, boob flaunting Marc Jacobs original. It didn’t take long for the fur to fly.

In a tweet later that day half sister Khloe Kardashian posted “Boobs? What boobs? All I saw were a couple of chest pimples. Seriously, does she have a plastic surgeon?”.

Later Kourtney Kardashian followed up “Kendall is only half Kardashian. Obviously she got too many genes from ambiguously male daddy Bruce and not enough from the good side of the family.” Continue Reading

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Duck Dynasty’s Uncle Si Fires Assistant Over Clean Tea Cup

Duck Dynasty’s Uncle Si Fires Assistant Over Clean Tea Cup

Anyone who watches the A & E reality hit show Duck Dynasty, is familiar with not only Uncle Si, but his perpetual sidekick, a vintage Tupperware tumbler he carries everywhere he goes. Si is never without a container of sweet tea to keep his tumbler half full or half empty, whichever way the day is going.

The cup has become a running gag on the show. The way it was explained in the first season of the show is that when Si went to Viet Nam, his mama packed away his tea tumbler to go with him. He has had it in his hand ever since and needless to say, it is practically a sacrilege to mess with Uncle Si’s tea tumbler. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Television1 Comment

Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls

Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls

Dogpatch, LA – Willie Robertson, CEO and patriarch in waiting for the Duck Dynasty Empire has announced a new line of silent dog whistle calls for non hunters to be rolled out in 2014.

The initial lineup will include four whistles named “Homo Going To Hell”, “Happy, Happy Darkie”, “Dumb Barefoot Bitch Better Pluck My Duck” and one general whistle for devout evangelicals “I’m Going To Heaven And You’re Not”.

Duck Dynasty “Dog Commanders” will be available nationwide on June 1st at Walmart for $89.95.

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Duck Dynasty Tops WWE and Pawnstars W/E 1/26

Duck Dynasty Tops WWE and Pawnstars W/E 1/26

Cable TV results are in for W/E 1/26 and Duck Dynasty at 6.6 million viewers easily beats out its cable reality competition.

World Wrestling Entertainment came in at 5.2, 5.0 and 4.3 million for its three Monday shows and Pawnstars clocked in at 5.2 and 4.7 for its Thursday programs.

“Lizzy Borden Took an Ax” had a surprisingly good showing at 4.4. Continue Reading

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Posted in Entertainment, Television1 Comment

“Walking Dead” Writers Smoke Crack, Kill Off Entire Cast

“Walking Dead” Writers Smoke Crack, Kill Off Entire Cast

Hollywood, CA – Hollywood gossip site “Scuttlebutt” has learned this season of Walking Dead will be it’s last as every single cast member dies.

Talking to writers of the show on condition of anonymity, one stated after fan favorite Herschel was beheaded during last seasons finale they just got started and couldn’t stop.

“It was like we were on amphetamines…or something.” Continue Reading

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Mathew Returns to Downton Abbey

Mathew Returns to Downton Abbey

Season 5 of Downton Abbey, scheduled for air in the UK in Fall 2014, will have a grand surprise for fans of the popular show. The beloved Mathew Crawley character is set to return to Downton Abbey in what could be the most watched event in worldwide television history.

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Duck Dynasty Resumes Filming of Season Five Finale *Spoiler Alert*

Duck Dynasty Resumes Filming of Season Five Finale *Spoiler Alert*

Hollywood, CA – Hollywood gossip site “Scuttlebutt” has revealed production for the Duck Dynasty Season 5 finale has resumed and will be titled “The Camo Knight”.

Not all elements of the anticipated episode are known but it has been learned it will prominently feature patriarch Phil Robertson dressed as a crusading Knight Templar.

Robertson battles a mysterious figure dressed in a hooded dark cloak whose only visible clue is a long, blood stained beard. Each time Robertson loses a limb to the challenger Duck Dynasty drops 2 million viewers.

As his last leg hits the ground Robertson shouts “You fight like a sodomist, heathen pagan chicken! I keel you now!”. The figure walks away saying “It is finished” removing his cloak and revealing himself to be none other than Jesus Christ.

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Prepare the Anti-Matter Beam!

Prepare the Anti-Matter Beam!

Those words are not coming from a Star Trek script, or a Sci-Fi movie, they are actually being given by the scientists of ASACUSA , a multi-disciplinary collaboration between CERN and Japan’s RIKEN research center.

ASACUSA team leader, Yasunori Yamazaki is some kind of Captain Kirk for these guys, requesting things like:

-Check the superconducting anti-Helmholtz coil!
-Scan the multiple ring electrodes!
-Prepare the microwave cavity and a beam-focusing spin-selector ready for operation!
-Check all stats for Fantasy football!
(Ok, that one is mine! lol)
I can actually imagine the whole Star Trek crew, like in an episode of the famous TV show, and myself finding stats at sports websites like Sports Betting Dime.
But the future is now, and those are real engineering marvels that put us a little closer to the answers we´re looking for…

But, what´s the deal with anti-matter stuff?

Sci-Fi movies were able to educate us enough to know that matter and anti-matter annihilate each other in a flash of energy when they interact… Do you remember Angels & Demons by Dan Brown? Something like that.

In this case, scientists are trying to understand why matter prevails in this Universe of ours. If anti-matter and matter co-exist in balance (that’s what we think they do), why is anti-matter so difficult to perceive?

In order to find the answers, Europe’s CERN research center set a new number of particle-smashing experiments, including a special trap. The anti-matter, shows a particular problem–it’s hard to keep the atoms in existence long enough to make fine-scale measurements.

So, this special magnetic trap located at CERN’s Anti-proton Decelerator facility is making the difference for scientists, “bringing the possibility to guide the energetic anti-atoms to a region with a weak magnetic field. This is so we can have high-precision studies of anti-hydrogen atoms, particularly the hyper-fine structure, one of the two best known spectroscopic properties of hydrogen” Yasunori Yamazaki said.

These “mad” scientists won’t build an anti-matter cannon to destroy an asteroid (Why not?), but their discoveries will bring more possibilities to use anti-matter knowledge for medical purposes, like the PET scanners that actually are used by hospitals around the world to take snapshots of our bodies.

So, the next time you hear “Prepare the anti-matter beam!” turn your attention to the Swiss-French border… chances are Captain Kirk is there!

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Posted in Technology, Television7 Comments

Fourteen-Year-Old Florida Boy Expelled for being Named Joffrey

Fourteen-Year-Old Florida Boy Expelled for being Named Joffrey

Fourteen year old Joffrey Stevens of Astapor High School was instantly expelled today once it became clear that he shared his name with the infamous Game of Thrones king, and all round hated guy, Joffrey Baratheon.

Young Joffrey Stevens had no idea the drama that was in store for him when he awoke this morning. “I was beyond excited to be starting at a new school, a fresh start,” he told GOTnews earlier this afternoon. “I was always bullied at my previous school, almost as if the students blamed me for something. There was constant talk about how I was a monster brought into the world by incense, or insects, or some word similar to that.”

There was even reports of an older girl throwing her pomegranate juice all over Stevens, shouting hysterically about some wedding.

During the morning’s roll call, Jon Sun, Stevens’ teacher, immediately sent him to the headmaster’s office. Sun has since suffered from a panic attack. “I never wanted this teaching job at Astapor High,” says Sun, “although after gambling away all of my Christmas savings at http://jackgold.com this past December, I had no other choice. There are certain boundaries,” which Sun strongly believes Joffrey crossed. “I mean, Ned Stark did nothing wrong, he didn’t deserve that fate, the whole ordeal is utterly unforgivable.”

Joffrey’s mother, Lanni Stevens, is absolutely appalled about the entire situation, saying that Game of Thrones wasn’t even a big deal when her and her husband decided to name their son Joffrey. “We both just really liked the name,” she said, “how was I to know that the name would become associated with one of the most hated people of all time?”

“We have to take a zero tolerance approach to sensitive matters such as this,” Mrs. H. Odor, headmaster of Astapor High replied, when asked whether the expulsion would stick. “With the recent release of the new Game of Thrones trailer, it is evident that young King Joffrey has not changed his evil ways. Until he has come to his senses, we cannot risk having Joffrey Stevens wandering these corridors freely”.

GOTnews has so far been unsuccessful in their attempt to receive any form of statement from ‘A Game of Thrones’ author, George R. R. Martin, although insiders close to the author have allegedly told reporters that “they know nothing.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is actually a guest post from Jason, who I know through an internet colleague. If it wins the monthly contest, it will go to him, not Dexter.

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Posted in Kidz Zone, Television0 Comments

“The Mouse” Extracts His Revenge

“The Mouse” Extracts His Revenge

The Mouse has had enough.

Within his realm, The Mouse would be written THE MOUSE, but here on this satire site we are safe from his surveillance and what could be misconstrued as a sign of disrespect.

At least for now, that is.

For years The Mouse has watched as young upstarts have corroded the Empire that he and his Master have so carefully and painstakingly put together. Continue Reading

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