U.S. Establishes Ministry of Truth to Combat Fake News

U.S. Establishes Ministry of Truth to Combat Fake News

WASHINGTON – In response to the growing epidemic of “fake news,” President Obama today announced the creation of a new department of the federal government, the Ministry of Truth.

“As a Constitutional scholar, I can assure you that the Founding Fathers of our nation never intended the sacred First Amendment rights of freedom of speech and freedom of the press to apply to websites peddling ‘fake news’. The Founding Fathers well understood the importance of controlling the political narrative,” stated Obama.

“Let me be clear: ‘fake news’ is an enormous problem. So we need a war on fake news like never before. We will work closely with the more established and reliable media companies, including social media, to stamp out the threat that so many independent voices poses to our democracy.” Continue Reading

Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Politics, World News0 Comments

Germany Prepares to Prosecute Millions for Insulting Donald Trump in 2017

Germany Prepares to Prosecute Millions for Insulting Donald Trump in 2017

BERLIN – Germany’s law against insulting the leaders of foreign governments will be put to the ultimate test when billionaire Twitter personality Donald Trump is sworn in as President of the United States in January 2017.

Insulting President-Elect Donald Trump has become a favorite pastime and even personal crusade for millions of disillusioned people across the world. Many Germans view Trump’s crass expression of his troglodytic weltanschauung as a new all-time low in the history of Western political discourse.
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Posted in Politics, World News2 Comments

Pokemon-Go Craze Puts U.S. Elections in Doubt

Pokemon-Go Craze Puts U.S. Elections in Doubt

NEW YORK – The incredibly addictive Pokemon-Go app, which has sent countless millions of people out into the world to stare at their cell phones more than ever, has now put the U.S. Presidential elections in doubt.

Current CNN polls show that voter turnout will be at an all-time low (17%) as millions of registered voters see little point in voting for U.S. President while there are still so many fabulous Pokemon characters out there to catch.

“There’s an election like every four years, right? But Pokemon-Go is a once-in-a-lifetime event,” said Wayne Potman, 25, of Salt Lake City. “I’m not against voting, so if I’m out that day, and there happens to be a Poke-Stop or a really cool Gym right by the voting location, then I might go in to vote. Seriously. If the line is not too long.”

Pokemon-Go creator, Niantic, has promised to seed U.S. voting locations with PokeStops and rare Pokemons in a desperate effort to boost voter turnout. “We see this as a win-win and a no-brainer,” said Niantic spokesman Jesus Angleton Dulles. “We will do our part to try to resuscitate the dying American Republic through Pokemon and Pokemon-Go.”

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Posted in Gadgets & Gizmos, Kidz Zone, Politics0 Comments

America Still Greatest Democracy in the World – CNN Poll

America Still Greatest Democracy in the World – CNN Poll

ATLANTA – A recent CNN poll of American citizens found that a solid majority (92%) believes that “the United States of America is still the greatest democracy in the world.”

Most poll respondents were clearly favorable toward American democracy. Their comments included:

“We’re definitely number 1.”

“We are the greatest country on earth. No question about it.”

“America is the greatest country I’ve ever seen.”

“Other countries just suck. Except Israel.”

“Even if other countries are better, we are still the greatest.”

“You mean: there are other countries?”

“America can kick the shit out of any other countries’ democracies. They’re just losers.”

“USA! USA!”

Most would agree. However, a few marginal critics of American democracy, such as Michael Moore, believe that exit poll deviations from official results prove that American elections are sometimes fraudulent. Moore has even called for UN supervision of US elections.

Yet the CNN poll showed that 66.6% also agreed with the statement: “Exit polls are an insult to American democracy and a total waste of time.”

American Exceptionalism Explained

So just how did America come to create a better democracy than in all other countries on the planet? Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, Top Stories, World News0 Comments

Leaked TTIP Treaty: U.S. Must Win the Eurovision Song Contest

Leaked TTIP Treaty: U.S. Must Win the Eurovision Song Contest

AMSTERDAM – According to secret terms of the TTIP treaty, recently leaked by Greenpeace Netherlands, the U.S. must finally be allowed to enter the Eurovision Song Contest.

“Excluding the U.S. from the Eurovision Song Contest is a clear violation of free trade,” said U.S. trade negotiator Mickey Cant. “Europe could use a little bit more American know-how when it comes to pop music. We are tired of being unjustly excluded.”

Additional leaked documents show that the European negotiators were “horrified” at the prospect of American pop bands entering the beloved Song Contest, with one French negotiator protesting that “American pop is even lower than kitsch and unworthy of Eurovision.”

Continue Reading

Posted in Music, Politics, Top Stories0 Comments

US: ISIS Must Sign TTIP “Or Else!”

US: ISIS Must Sign TTIP “Or Else!”

WASHINGTON – U.S. State Department spokesman Milo Minderbinder announced today that ISIS must sign the TTIP [Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership] treaty by year’s end “or else we will retaliate with extreme prejudice. All options are on the table!”
“Terrorist organizations that control substantial assets, such as oil, should not be exempt from TTIP just because they are not recognized nation-states. TTIP is about promoting free trade, a goal that I’m sure that terrorists who specialize in decapitation videos can appreciate,” Minderbinder stated. Continue Reading

Posted in Biz News, Politics, War Zone0 Comments

Volkswagen Emissions Scandal is “No Conspiracy”

Volkswagen Emissions Scandal is “No Conspiracy”

WOLFSBURG – German Chancellor Angela Merkel asserted that the Volkswagen emission debacle, including years of cover-up, was “no conspiracy.”

Merkel stated: “Already there are crazy Volkswagen conspiracy theorists on the Internet who believe that two or more persons must have planned this emissions strategy. Instead, we are quite sure it was just one person, some lone nut. And we will discover the one person who is responsible, if we possibly can.” Continue Reading

Posted in Environment, Technology0 Comments

Catholic Congressman Steals Pope’s Water Glass

Catholic Congressman Steals Pope’s Water Glass

WASHINGTON – Congressman James Bath took advantage of his proximity to Pope Francis during his address to Congress to steal the Pope’s water glass and gulp some of the sacred Washington, DC tap water.

Luckily when the Pope’s throat went dry during his speech to Congress a quick-witted intern replaced the glass with a fresh one.

Bath explained: “It’s well worth it to break one of God’s Ten Holy Commandments in order to save my soul and the souls of my family by dousing myself and my family in the Pope’s holy water.”
“Because I have to be sure that it really is the Pope’s glass, I am having it tested for fingerprints and DNA —using devoutly Catholic forensic specialists naturally. If the immortal souls of these forensic scientists are also saved via their contact with this holy water glass — I won’t call it a holy grail exactly— I don’t have a problem with that. I suppose they deserve it.” Continue Reading

Posted in Celebrity Gossip, Religionism0 Comments

Faith in Fed Interest Rate Hike at All-Time High

Faith in Fed Interest Rate Hike at All-Time High

WASHINGTON – Faith that the Federal Reserve Bank will finally raise interest rates, after years of broken promises, is now at an all-time high.

“The Fed is really going to raise rates after our next meeting,” said Norman Bates, Chair of the Philadelphia Federal Reserve. “We promise. Personally, I’m betting big on a substantial interest rate hike. I can’t wait.”

“Of course we will raise the interest rate,” said New York Fed Chair David Rockemellon. “We just have to do it at our next meeting.” Continue Reading

Posted in Biz News, Politics0 Comments

The Secret Trans-Pacific Partnership: “The TPP Is Good for You. Trust Us”

The Secret Trans-Pacific Partnership: “The TPP Is Good for You. Trust Us”

WASHINGTON – Global leaders negotiating the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) affirmed the necessity of secret negotiations for the massive trade and “global governance” deal.

“The TPP is for your own good. Trust us,” stated senior negotiator Mickey Cantwell.

“Only highly-paid lobbyists can possibly understand the TPP text. It’s like NAFTA on steroids. I don’t think that mere journalists, ordinary consumers, or the useless eaters in Congress could possibly understand the TPP.” Continue Reading

Posted in Biz News, Politics1 Comment

Conspiracy Theorist Denies Olive Oil is Extra Virgin

Conspiracy Theorist Denies Olive Oil is Extra Virgin

NEW YORK – Guido da Vinci had always wondered how there could so much extra virgin olive oil in supermarkets across the world.

“I mean wherever I went in the world, I could find extra virgin olive oil. A lot of it. Finally, I thought: how could this be?”

“So I did some research on the internet. And I found that more than two-thirds of olive oil that is labeled as extra virgin isn’t really extra virgin. Some of it may be virgin, but lots of it isn’t virgin at all!” Continue Reading

Posted in Human Interest, Science0 Comments

Fan Donations to the NFL on the Rise

Fan Donations to the NFL on the Rise

NEW YORK – Many American football fans may not realize that the National Football League (NFL) is not a corporation, but a tax-exempt organization.

Recently some real die-hard fans have been donating money to their beloved NFL, even though their donations are not tax-deductible.

“Football is my life,” says Wayne Smetsky of Green Bay, Wisconsin, who recently donated $500 to the NFL. Continue Reading

Posted in Entertainment, Sports Events2 Comments

ISIS Blows Up U.S. Battleships Maine and Lusitania in the Gulf of Tonkin

ISIS Blows Up U.S. Battleships Maine and Lusitania in the Gulf of Tonkin

WASHINGTON – The Pentagon announced today that the Islamic State (ISIS) has blown up two American battleships, the Maine and the Lusitania in the Gulf of Tonkin.

Brigadier General Lance Boyle stated: “ISIS was very foolhardy in using weapons of mass destruction to blow up two American battleships that were peacefully passing through the Gulf of Tonkin on separate humanitarian missions.” Continue Reading

Posted in War Zone, World News1 Comment

A Psalm for the Tea Party

A Psalm for the Tea Party

1) The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want–to talk to liberals.

2) He maketh me lie down in untaxed green pastures: he leadeth me to the clear waters of pro-Gun states where I can shoot deer or thieves as God intended; no libs shall take my guns away.

3) He restoreth our souls to their Constitutional originals; he leadeth us down the righteous right-wing path where no left-leaning wingnuts lie in wait. Continue Reading

Posted in Politics, Religionism0 Comments

Conservatives and Liberals Still Trying to Convert Each Other

Conservatives and Liberals Still Trying to Convert Each Other

WASHINGTON – A new poll of 1,000 American adults reveals that both conservatives and liberals believe it is possible to “convert” other people to change their political orientation.

The recent Gallmausen poll found that more than 63% of Americans believe that they can convince other people to adopt their position through such rhetorical tactics as shouting at them, incessantly repeating themselves, and vicious name-calling. Continue Reading

Posted in Politics0 Comments

Top Economists Sagely Call for Wholly Unfundable War

Top Economists Sagely Call for Wholly Unfundable War

WASHINGTON – Several leading economists have recently called for war as the best means to solve the world’s six-year old economic crisis.

Nobel-nominated economist Karl Strauss of the University of Chicago stated: “War is the time-honored cure for economic stagnation.”

RIGHT: New-on-the-scene economics wunderkind Karl Strauss is not speculated by any to be Frank Luntz in Groucho Marx glasses.

Strauss elaborated: “War is an important variable within geopolitical game theory. Ideally, the President would choose a war that would cause perpetual–yet controlled–wars, such as those described in George Orwell’s 1984. Controlled wars are the best wars for the long-term health of the economy, as well as for maintaining national unity.”

Other economists praised Karl Strauss.

Fellow University of Chicago economist Igor Strauss agreed, writing in the Chicago Times that “Karl Strauss is a genius, representing the best in a school of great economists.”

“It’s been a long time since the last major war. It would be healthy for the economy.”

“It’s an economic truism that only World War II ended the Great Depression in America. The New Deal accomplished nothing.”

“But as economists, we avoid attaching moral labels such as ‘good’ or ‘evil” to war. Wars are just like any other economic phenomenon to be studied, preferably from within a comfortable university setting and at a safe distance from any actual death, bloodshed, or poor people.”

Adolph Strauss, also of the University of Chicago, praised his colleagues Karl Strauss and Igor Strauss, and critiqued those “worthless progressives” who have called for a “New New Deal”: massive infrastructure projects to repair America’s crumbling bridges, roads, train stations and airports.

“Some worthless progressives may call for a ‘New New Deal’ to put people back to work, but we feel it is better to stay the course, to use our drone technology to destroy the outdated infrastructure in other countries, and then to rebuild the destroyed nations in our own image.”

“Either way America gets to benefit both from the destruction and the rebuilding of each nation that we are liberating. That is very efficient. And good for the economy.”

Some also see war as a good way to fill the hole left in the world’s media attention, now that the universally beloved World Cup football tournament is over.

“The summer would be insufferably boring without a fresh war,” says Professor Stanley Tellman, economist at Gotham University. “I can’t wait.”

“War will be great for the economy,” agreed Professor John Churchill of Oxford. “Never before have so many poor people had it so good for so long. The time has come to act, to get the sausage-grinders into action, cull the herd a bit. It’s good for the economy.”

Venerable Republican politicians agree with these top economists.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney thinks that entering a war against Russia is “a fantastic idea that will solve a lot of our problems. Remember: what is good for our Perpetual War Portfolio is good for the American people.”

“Frankly, anybody against going to war right now is an idiot,” concluded former President and renowned painting anti-hero George W. Bush, “War is always good for America.”

Posted in Biz News, War Zone0 Comments

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