U.S. Declares Plastic a Major Food Group, Part of a Balanced Diet


WASHINGTON – In a move described as “accepting reality” the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has declared plastic to be “a major food group.”

US FDA spokesperson Carl Manson stated: “We admit that trace amounts of plastic leak into many food products. Significant amounts of plastic appear in other food products, such as fish. However, top scientists all agree that there is nothing wrong with ingesting plastics, as has been proven by generations of long-term studies since the 1960s.” Read more U.S. Declares Plastic a Major Food Group, Part of a Balanced Diet

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Trump Should Attack Russia to Take Heat off RussiaGate Scandal, Experts Say

WASHINGTON – Politicians and media pundits from both political perspectives have called on President Trump to attack Russia as soon as possible to prove once and for all that he is not colluding with Russia.

“The only way for Trump to prove that he isn’t colluding with Russia – is to attack them,” said former National Security Advisor, Dulles Minderbinder on CNN.

Read more Trump Should Attack Russia to Take Heat off RussiaGate Scandal, Experts Say

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Leftists Look Forward to “Constructive Dialogue with Idiotic Trump Supporters”

WASHINGTON – “Trump is Putin’s bitch,” read several signs in the crowd.
A liberal umbrella group called the Coalition for an Integrated America (CIA) held a rally yesterday in Lafayette Square near the White House, protesting Donald Trump’s existence, and calling for his resignation.
Read more Leftists Look Forward to “Constructive Dialogue with Idiotic Trump Supporters”

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Trump Shocker: “Won’t Sign on for Second Season Playing the President”


President Donald Trump announced today that he would not “sign on for a second season playing the President.” Trump admitted that the role of U.S. President was more challenging than he had ever imagined, and his previous acting experience had not fully prepared him for the part. Read more Trump Shocker: “Won’t Sign on for Second Season Playing the President”

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Germany Prepares to Prosecute Millions for Insulting Donald Trump in 2017

BERLIN – Germany’s law against insulting the leaders of foreign governments will be put to the ultimate test when billionaire Twitter personality Donald Trump is sworn in as President of the United States in January 2017.

Insulting President-Elect Donald Trump has become a favorite pastime and even personal crusade for millions of disillusioned people across the world. Many Germans view Trump’s crass expression of his troglodytic weltanschauung as a new all-time low in the history of Western political discourse. Read more Germany Prepares to Prosecute Millions for Insulting Donald Trump in 2017

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Pokemon-Go Craze Puts U.S. Elections in Doubt

NEW YORK – The incredibly addictive Pokemon-Go app, which has sent countless millions of people out into the world to stare at their cell phones more than ever, has now put the U.S. Presidential elections in doubt.

Current CNN polls show that voter turnout will be at an all-time low (17%) as millions of registered voters see little point in voting for U.S. President while there are still so many fabulous Pokemon characters out there to catch.
Read more Pokemon-Go Craze Puts U.S. Elections in Doubt

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America Still Greatest Democracy in the World – CNN Poll

ATLANTA – A recent CNN poll of American citizens found that a solid majority (92%) believes that “the United States of America is still the greatest democracy in the world.”

Most poll respondents were clearly favorable toward American democracy. Their comments included: Read more America Still Greatest Democracy in the World – CNN Poll

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Leaked TTIP Treaty: U.S. Must Win the Eurovision Song Contest

AMSTERDAM – According to secret terms of the TTIP treaty, recently leaked by Greenpeace Netherlands, the U.S. must finally be allowed to enter the Eurovision Song Contest.

“Excluding the U.S. from the Eurovision Song Contest is a clear violation of free trade,” said U.S. trade negotiator Mickey Cant. “Europe could use a little bit more American know-how when it comes to pop music. We are tired of being unjustly excluded.” Read more Leaked TTIP Treaty: U.S. Must Win the Eurovision Song Contest

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US: ISIS Must Sign TTIP “Or Else…”

WASHINGTON – U.S. State Department spokesman Milo Minderbinder announced today that ISIS must sign the TTIP [Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership] treaty by year’s end “or else we will retaliate with extreme prejudice. All options are on the table!”
“Terrorist organizations that control substantial assets, such as oil, should not be exempt from TTIP just because they are not recognized nation-states. TTIP is about promoting free trade, a goal that I’m sure that terrorists who specialize in decapitation videos can appreciate,” Minderbinder stated. Read more US: ISIS Must Sign TTIP “Or Else…”

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Volkswagen Emissions Scandal is “No Conspiracy”

WOLFSBURG – German Chancellor Angela Merkel asserted that the Volkswagen emission debacle, including years of cover-up, was “no conspiracy.”

Merkel stated: “Already there are crazy Volkswagen conspiracy theorists on the Internet who believe that two or more persons must have planned this emissions strategy. Instead, we are quite sure it was just one person, some lone nut. And we will discover the one person who is responsible, if we possibly can.” Read more Volkswagen Emissions Scandal is “No Conspiracy”

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Catholic Congressman Steals Pope’s Water Glass

WASHINGTON – Congressman James Bath took advantage of his proximity to Pope Francis during his address to Congress to steal the Pope’s water glass and gulp some of the sacred Washington, DC tap water.

Luckily when the Pope’s throat went dry during his speech to Congress a quick-witted intern replaced the glass with a fresh one.

Bath explained: “It’s well worth it to break one of God’s Ten Holy Commandments in order to save my soul and the souls of my family by dousing myself and my family in the Pope’s holy water.”
“Because I have to be sure that it really is the Pope’s glass, I am having it tested for fingerprints and DNA —using devoutly Catholic forensic specialists naturally. If the immortal souls of these forensic scientists are also saved via their contact with this holy water glass — I won’t call it a holy grail exactly— I don’t have a problem with that. I suppose they deserve it.” Read more Catholic Congressman Steals Pope’s Water Glass

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Faith in Fed Interest Rate Hike at All-Time High

WASHINGTON – Faith that the Federal Reserve Bank will finally raise interest rates, after years of broken promises, is now at an all-time high.

“The Fed is really going to raise rates after our next meeting,” said Norman Bates, Chair of the Philadelphia Federal Reserve. “We promise. Personally, I’m betting big on a substantial interest rate hike. I can’t wait.”

“Of course we will raise the interest rate,” said New York Fed Chair David Rockemellon. “We just have to do it at our next meeting.” Read more Faith in Fed Interest Rate Hike at All-Time High

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The Secret Trans-Pacific Partnership: “The TPP Is Good for You. Trust Us”

WASHINGTON – Global leaders negotiating the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) affirmed the necessity of secret negotiations for the massive trade and “global governance” deal.

“The TPP is for your own good. Trust us,” stated senior negotiator Mickey Cantwell.

“Only highly-paid lobbyists can possibly understand the TPP text. It’s like NAFTA on steroids. I don’t think that mere journalists, ordinary consumers, or the useless eaters in Congress could possibly understand the TPP.” Read more The Secret Trans-Pacific Partnership: “The TPP Is Good for You. Trust Us”

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