Washington, D.C.- Following an alarming number of calls to the CDC, FBI, and NSA, security analyst have concluded that the zombie apocalypse came and went without any causalities and $0 in property damage.
Current Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, spoke on the matter, “Around 5:03 a.m. eastern standard time, a zombie uprising started near Deer Lick, Kentucky. The uprising promptly ended 3 minutes later, apparently due to the fact that zombies lack muscle tissue.”
World renowned expert on zombies, Earl, went on the record by saying, “It’s hard to murder without muscles.”
One eye witness recounted, “Well I was tending to my cows, and I saw what appeared to be a dead fella coming out the ground. He tried to stand, but resembled a new-born baby deer. I yelled out ‘can I help you boy?’ but the poor fella crumpled to the ground, so I just swept him into the garden. Hell of a fertilizer”
There are some, though, that are miffed by the abbreviated attacks. Phil Jenkins, long time doomsday prepper furiously said, “This is bullshit! I spent 17 years collecting canned beans. I even dug a large tunnel, that connected to a smaller tunnel, that connected to an even smaller tunnel, that connects to a panic room inside of the shed.”