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Zombie Apocalypse lasts for 3 minutes

Zombie Apocalypse lasts for 3 minutes

Washington, D.C.- Following an alarming number of calls to the CDC, FBI, and NSA, security analyst have concluded that the zombie apocalypse came and went without any causalities and $0 in property damage.

Current Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, spoke on the matter, “Around 5:03 a.m. eastern standard time, a zombie uprising started near Deer Lick, Kentucky. The uprising promptly ended 3 minutes later, apparently due to the fact that zombies lack muscle tissue.”

World renowned expert on zombies, Earl, went on the record by saying, “It’s hard to murder without muscles.”

One eye witness recounted, “Well I was tending to my cows, and I saw what appeared to be a dead fella coming out the ground. He tried to stand, but resembled a new-born baby deer. I yelled out ‘can I help you boy?’ but the poor fella crumpled to the ground, so I just swept him into the garden. Hell of a fertilizer”

There are some, though, that are miffed by the abbreviated attacks. Phil Jenkins, long time doomsday prepper furiously said, “This is bullshit! I spent 17 years collecting canned beans. I even dug a large tunnel, that connected to a smaller tunnel, that connected to an even smaller tunnel, that connects to a panic room inside of the shed.”

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9 Responses to “Zombie Apocalypse lasts for 3 minutes”

  1. Kilroy says:

    Come on, Phil, that was stupid planning. Everybody knows zombies can crawl.

  2. Mr TM says:

    I find your ignorance so offensive, Kilroy.

    1. It wasn’t the Akkadian solstice when it happened.

    2. Alpha Centauri,Triton, the Asgard Semi-Central Communications Tower and Ted Nugent’s Finie-Whinie Ol’ Pinwkinkie weren’t properly aligned yet.

    3. Technically, yes zombies can crawl, but ACTUALLY they can’t, it just looks like that to homo sapi3n fools who don’t have a 100 000 000 000 278 932 000 231st sense (depending on how you count them).

    4.Zombies can’t ACTUALLY crawl unless they’re in heat…. or unless there are enough fake carbon particles placed in the atmosphere by the Post-Sogdian Sofa-Knitting Labour Union Illuminati of New Uranus.

    Oh and of course…

    5. It’s ALL SOCIALLY CONSTRUCTED.

    You need any more?


    You know, I’m just SICK of having to educate you on common sense basic humanoid performance art, Kilroy. This is basic stuff.

  3. Mad Max says:

    Kilroy went to a state school TM. Give him a break.

  4. Mr TM says:

    Mr TM isn’t criticizing Kilroy, Mad Max. He’s just educating him, because he needs to know that the gaping gaps in his sci-fi knowledge are distressing him 😀

  5. Mad Max says:

    It could be that tissue liquefaction just freaks him out, that’s all Mr. TM.

  6. Mr TM says:

    Look, it’s a slippery slope, Max. It starts off with not understanding zombie physiology, and before you know it, we’ll be having actual college graduates who think that Spiderman is from DC comics, or that Kevin Campbell or Laura Crosby were from series nine of US Big Brother, and not series 11. There are consequences for these things…

    Well, can you imagine a world where entire populations were roaming around, getting confused between Chuck Hagel (the guy in Octocorn’s article above) and Chuck Norris? I just don’t want to see that kind of world.

  7. rfreed says:

    Whatever drugs you guys are using please don’t share them with Kilroy.
    OK?
    It’s for all of our sakes……..

  8. Kilroy says:

    Hey, I heard that rfreed! I’m gone for what, two or three weeks, and TM throws a party? And so what if I graduated from a state school Max? It’s in Alabama so everything is relative.

    Forgive my lack of specific knowledge of the zombie genre, TM, but truth be told, I majored in werewolves.

  9. Mad Max says:

    WEREWOLVES?? Liberal arts majors!!!

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