Kelly Clarkson Wants to be First Annoying US President
It had to happen one day… We’ve already had the “First Black President” (a white saxophone player from Arkansas), we’ve had an ACTUAL First Black President, and there’s been talk of Hillary Clinton being the First Female President. I mean,…
Asteroid RC 15: “I Purposely Avoided Collision With Earth”
OUTER SPACE: In an exclusive interview, RC15, an asteroid that, on Sunday, passed closer to earth than the moon, says it purposely avoided a collision with our planet. “I really, really did not want to hit you guys after I…
Russian Takeover Strategies Of Yesterday, Today And Tomorrow
2008- Russia invades former ‘comrade’ nation Georgia because Putin ‘has Georgia on his mind….’. March 2014- Russia takes over the Crimea because they want to protect their naval fleet, and their hidden stores of vodka. June 2014- Russia begins infiltration…
Apple to Remotely Disable All iPhone 4S Models and Older 7 Days After iPhone 6 Release
CALIFORNIA: In a statement released today by Apple CEO Tim Cook, all iPhone models 4S and older are scheduled to be shut down and remotely wiped seven days after the release of the iPhone 6 on September 9th. “Customers who…
Mitch McConnell TV Ad Fact-Checked: True
Washington outsider and advocate for change Mitch McConnell took a bold step this year, effectively crowd-sourcing his campaign commercials to the drooling masses. This inspired strike of utter genius can best be described as “SmarTarded™” in a way Kentuckians may…
New Postage Stamp Baked as a Tribute to Extinct Restaurant Chain
Washington, D.C. – In an effort to promote breadstick awareness following the loss of America’s beloved restaurant chain, the Olive Garden, the United States Postal Service has announced the release of a set of commemorative stamps honoring the breadsticks that…
God to Withhold Prayer Requests From Cor Jesu High School Administrators Since Firing of Gay Teachers
ST. LOUIS – Explaining that he had, “literally no idea what they were thinking,” deity of the Catholic Church and contributing author Yahweh said in a press release he would no longer be accepting prayer requests from officials at Cor…
National Front Thugs Horrified: Hitler a “Dirty Foreign [Insert Profanity Here]”
Most Americans have probably heard of the Front National in France, but not all US citizens may be aware of her somewhat less sophisticated and elegant sister party, the UK’s National Front. But admittedly, this club of assorted knuckledraggers, boneheads…
OMG! Crazy Pastor Pat “Blames” Justin Bieber for Freak Weather Conditions
After a lull of a few years, discredited televangelist Pat Robertson has put his theometerology hat back on again. Yes… Pastor Pat has yet another new theory to contribute for why the USA has experienced extreme weather conditions in recent…
Arms Manufacturers Hope for Another Massacre To Stimulate Lagging Gun Sales
According to a recent Bloomberg.com article, guns sales have fallen off sharply since the days of the Sandy Hook and Batman movie massacres which is worrying arms manufacturers and salesmen. The fear of having guns banned or limited sent gun…