ALBUQUERQUE, NM (GlossyNews) — God Almighty, sole owner and creator of the earth, has categorically denied a joint bid by Carlos Slim Helu, Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mukesh Ambani, Lakshmi Mittal and other billionaire club members to buy the planet. Continue Reading

WASHINGTON, D.C. (GlossyNews) — The national debt in the United States has reached a record $10 trillion, with the deficit continuing to mount as efforts to stimulate the economy out of recession grow. To pay off this enormous amount, the federal government has embarked on an innovative overseas real estate auction. “It’s true,” said embattled Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner. “We’re selling individual states to foreign debtors.” Continue Reading

BEDFORD FALLS, IN (GlossyNews) — Five more financial institutions were closed this week by federal regulators, bringing the total number of U.S. failed banks this year to 140, the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation said. OneWest Bank was the first casualty of the morning. More surprising was the announcement that officials had seized the assets of and shuttered the Bailey Savings & Loan in Bedford Falls. Continue Reading

PACIFIC OCEAN, 135° to 155°W (GlossyNews) — Entrepreneurs worldwide are being lured by the siren call of opportunity rising from the Pacific. The middle of the Pacific Ocean, that is.

The multinational realty conglomerate, Glutton Realty, has purchased the vortex of marine litter in the central North Pacific Ocean known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch. The company plans to convert the trash into a new mega-island. With more acreage than the state of Texas at their disposal, speculators anticipate selling these “premium” tropical parcels at astronomical prices. Continue Reading

CITY OF INDUSTRY, CA (GlossyNews) — Toward the end of World War II in 1945, the Stueve family of California founded Alta Dena Dairy. Throughout the 1950s, it earned a reputation as one of the most innovative farms with its line of healthy choices in dairy products. Today, thousands of consumers in Southern California continue to have milk and other products delivered directly to their homes by Alta Dena. Continue Reading

Los Angeles, CA – “The times, they are a changin’, again,” remarked Henry “Pops” Champion to a group of medical marijuana clinic owners and pot growers who all agree that it is time to finally pull out all the stops in getting marijuana prohibition lifted in California, and eventually, nationwide. Pops has been a lifelong smoker and proponent of legalized marijuana.

“Way back in 1996, Proposition 215 was passed allowing anyone with a doctor’s note to cultivate and use medical marijuana in California for a number of ailments, and in our efforts to assist those folks by offering quality grown and processed medical marijuana–not that street dope–we’ve been harassed like common criminals, and it’s time we spoke up for ourselves,” Pops continued.

“Some folks say we want to make California the Netherlands of the United States. That’s simply not true. We don’t want to be another Netherlands. Hell, man, we can’t even speak Dutch,” said Champion, to thunderous applause.

Yuri Lehigh then took the stage. “Man, all our lives we’ve tried to tell people that pot is a lot less harmful than booze and pharmaceuticals, but would the Feds listen? No. Now, after years of abusing alcohol and pills in place of marijuana, only because we could obtain them legally, we find our health dwindling and, ironically, one of the best natural substances for our ailments, from tired eyes to over-worked livers is pot. When are they going to wake up and smell the bud, man?”

“I mean, have you seen the ads on television for some of those ‘legal’ prescription drugs they’re trying to push on us, man? Clear up your allergies, but at the same time, be careful cause you’re gonna get dizzy and pass out and have bad stomach cramps and diarrhea and what not, man, but yeah, like you sure will breathe better. That is like total bullshit, man,” said Lehigh.

He continued, “and booze and beer commercials, what the fu*k is that, man? Have a few beers at a game, drink yourself silly on some Spiced Rum or Kaluha at a friend’s house, but hey, don’t drive. How the hell do you think they’re gonna get home, man? Sure, like anyone is gonna drink responsibly. The whole thing’s a ruse, man. We all know pot is way safer and we have to find a way to get that point across.”

A budget of several million dollars has been put aside by private business owners to fund the marketing campaign on legalizing marijuana, as well as offering several marijuana-based products. We spoke to an ad executive sent to the meeting to get some ideas about what direction they want the ad campaign to take. “Off the top of my head, man, I think what we want to do first is alleviate the notion that pot is a gateway drug and instead, do a little play on words and portray pot as a ‘gateway to health’ drug instead.”

“Then,” he said, “we want to take marijuana as mainstream as we can as quickly as we can. Think Burt’s Bees-type coverage. This Burt guy starts out with a few beehives and selling honey by the side of the road and today, he’s got candles, lip balms, lotions, you name it, in drug stores and co-ops around the country. We want the same type of exposure.”

We wanted to know if he knew that there were already several ad campaigns running in the state of California trying to push legalization of marijuana, and he said that he did, “but,” he said, “they don’t seem to be making much of an impact. We think our campaign will push the Feds over the edge and ultimately give the people what they want. This isn’t about taxes, it’s not about politics, it is about people wanting their marijuana without going to jail for it, period.”

We asked him how you can market something that is still considered an illegal substance, and he responded by saying “the way we figure it, if we put it out there as a legitimate product, the Feds sooner or later will fold under the pressure of having to do their jobs and regulate it, just like in the pharmaceutical and alternative medicine industry, and that’s when we’ll make our move to get pot accepted in the public eye. We’re even thinking about a complete line of herb teas called ‘Mary-Jane Herbal Wonder Teas.’ With all the things you can do with weed, man, the sky’s the limit once it’s legalized, and we want to make sure we’re ready to deliver products when that day comes.”

The main target audience of the ad campaign will be the over-50 crowd who have been fighting the good fight for over 40 years now, and it’s a pretty safe bet that if pot were legal, would make up the biggest demographic for sales. Said Pops, “They love the shit, man, you know? And we’re gonna do our best to see that it gets legalized in our lifetime, so they can start enjoying it in as many products as we can come up with.”

Toyota City, Japan – After a well publicized round of recalls brought to light by the media, Toyota Motor Corporation [NYSE: TM] finally decided one good turn deserves another. Barely two weeks after the countless deaths have finally been tallied, the board recommended a fourth round of recalls supposedly to “ride on the crest” of the first three. Continue Reading

In a post-rapture world, it is believed that atheists and agnostics may be faced with horrendous living conditions on Earth. However, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. With pre- and post-rapture business opportunities already beginning to spring up around the country, life on earth for those of you who aren’t going to make it through to the next round may still have somewhat of a silver lining if you plan ahead. Continue Reading

TIMBUKTU, Mali – In early 2008, an official at the U.S. Department of Homeland Security sent a report to his superiors detailing the most significant development in aircraft usage since 2001: al Qaeda has been operating a rogue aviation network. Francis Baldhamer, the official who issued the report, also noted that this increased competition, which promises fares much lower than U.S. airlines, threatens to weaken the already faltering transportation industry. Continue Reading

New York, NY Following the recent onslaught on fat people to pay for two seats for a one way, economy class flight, fat people all over the world have finally decided enough is enough with this anatomical discrimination.

Trent Budgwood, chairman of Full Anatomy Travellers ( FAT.org ) an organisation committed to the comfortable travel of above average girthed individuals expressed outrage at the policy being floated by a French airline.

“That episode of ‘99 is still as fresh in my mind as my breakfast mozzarella Buffalo milk cheese,” Continue Reading

LABADEE, Haiti — There’s an old Haitian proverb: “Behind the mountains, there are mountains.”

Behind those mountains are smaller mountains. Behind those smaller mountains is an enclosure. And behind that enclosure is a tropical paradise rented out to Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines by the Haitian government. Continue Reading

Hello again. Since good jobs are hard to find and higher ups are often looking for staff to trim, today I am going to share with you some of my favorite tips for looking important in the workplace.

We all know that in the workplace, perception becomes reality, i.e. the more important you look the more important people will think you are. So the tips I will share with you today are useful to all employees, from the lowest levels to the executive on the move. So here are my tips for looking important. Continue Reading

In another case of a war of words in the cutthroat man-eat-man business of fake certificates, diplomaxpress.com a leading diploma mill, berated it’s main rival succeedonline.com for producing substandard fake diplomas for the market. Sure, the degrees are as false as any, but the quality of the physical diplomas are, according to some, of lackluster production value. Continue Reading

Well I am still employed! So things can’t be too bad. Every day while having my coffee and donuts, I read about massive layoffs and wonder if the ax will ever fall over here. So today I am going to offer some valuable tips to the working men and woman of America on how to look busy at work so you don’t get your lazy assets fired. Continue Reading

Alcatraz, CA – Thinking about deducting those drinks that you had Friday night as a business expense? You are not alone. Looking for some last minute tax deductions? Well, we can’t help you, but we do have some tips on deductions to help you avoid the wrath of the IRS. IRS 1040 Tax Form. Continue Reading

A former Fox News employee is threatening to file a lawsuit in New York District Court against News Corp, the parent company of Fox News Channel, and Fox News President, Roger Ailes, claiming that she was wrongfully terminated when she told the HR manager that she could no longer work closely with Mr. Ailes due to his “inability to control his intestinal disruptions regularly throughout the day.” In other words, his farts stank to high heavens. Additional claims of unsafe working conditions and exposure to an environmental hazard in the workplace are also being leveled against the company. Continue Reading

Mission statements are a modern attempt to give pretend meaning and an acceptable facade to the corporation in its never ending pursuit of profits. They are the true intentions and purposes of the business, supposedly. The problem is that the facade is leaning and the meaning is muddled. If we could see the corporate executive’s REAL intentions, they might look something like this: Continue Reading

Goldman Sachs is arguably best known as the firm that created the most wealth for the most clients over the longest sub-decade period of prosperity in modern history, though they’re as well known as the people who created the equally dismal downturn. Now, with the rise of satirists like Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, they’re better known as the men with “Golden Man Sacks”, and that’s apparently a joke they’re just fine with. Continue Reading