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Cannabis Product Review & Resource Website Makes History with $1 Billion Internet Money Buyout Offer

Cannabis Product Review & Resource Website Makes History with $1 Billion Internet Money Buyout Offer

(San Francisco, CA) WeedGear.com — A recently launched review and community participation website has announced that fictional character Towelie, famous for his role on South Park, has raised enough virtual currency through online pimping services to invest his $1 Billion internet dollars in becoming the web’s next marijuana mogul.

Waiting for his payout at the Department of Internet Money (DIM), along side Star Wars Kid, Grumpy Cat, and Cute Sneezing Panda, Towelie said, “Yeah, with all these big names jumping into the business of weed, I figured I’d better get on board. Those back-alley deals I was doing in the old days just weren’t paying off. Maybe it was because of my crack addiction. I can’t remember.” Continue Reading

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Top Economists Sagely Call for Wholly Unfundable War

Top Economists Sagely Call for Wholly Unfundable War

WASHINGTON – Several leading economists have recently called for war as the best means to solve the world’s six-year old economic crisis.

Nobel-nominated economist Karl Strauss of the University of Chicago stated: “War is the time-honored cure for economic stagnation.”

RIGHT: New-on-the-scene economics wunderkind Karl Strauss is not speculated by any to be Frank Luntz in Groucho Marx glasses.

Strauss elaborated: “War is an important variable within geopolitical game theory. Ideally, the President would choose a war that would cause perpetual–yet controlled–wars, such as those described in George Orwell’s 1984. Controlled wars are the best wars for the long-term health of the economy, as well as for maintaining national unity.”

Other economists praised Karl Strauss.

Fellow University of Chicago economist Igor Strauss agreed, writing in the Chicago Times that “Karl Strauss is a genius, representing the best in a school of great economists.”

“It’s been a long time since the last major war. It would be healthy for the economy.”

“It’s an economic truism that only World War II ended the Great Depression in America. The New Deal accomplished nothing.”

“But as economists, we avoid attaching moral labels such as ‘good’ or ‘evil” to war. Wars are just like any other economic phenomenon to be studied, preferably from within a comfortable university setting and at a safe distance from any actual death, bloodshed, or poor people.”

Adolph Strauss, also of the University of Chicago, praised his colleagues Karl Strauss and Igor Strauss, and critiqued those “worthless progressives” who have called for a “New New Deal”: massive infrastructure projects to repair America’s crumbling bridges, roads, train stations and airports.

“Some worthless progressives may call for a ‘New New Deal’ to put people back to work, but we feel it is better to stay the course, to use our drone technology to destroy the outdated infrastructure in other countries, and then to rebuild the destroyed nations in our own image.”

“Either way America gets to benefit both from the destruction and the rebuilding of each nation that we are liberating. That is very efficient. And good for the economy.”

Some also see war as a good way to fill the hole left in the world’s media attention, now that the universally beloved World Cup football tournament is over.

“The summer would be insufferably boring without a fresh war,” says Professor Stanley Tellman, economist at Gotham University. “I can’t wait.”

“War will be great for the economy,” agreed Professor John Churchill of Oxford. “Never before have so many poor people had it so good for so long. The time has come to act, to get the sausage-grinders into action, cull the herd a bit. It’s good for the economy.”

Venerable Republican politicians agree with these top economists.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney thinks that entering a war against Russia is “a fantastic idea that will solve a lot of our problems. Remember: what is good for our Perpetual War Portfolio is good for the American people.”

“Frankly, anybody against going to war right now is an idiot,” concluded former President and renowned painting anti-hero George W. Bush, “War is always good for America.”

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Posted in Biz News, War Zone0 Comments

Satire Writer Reveals How to Get the Most From Your $100 Hotel Stay

Satire Writer Reveals How to Get the Most From Your $100 Hotel Stay

With hotel prices rising and personal income dropping, satire writer NickFun has revealed some clever ways to get the most ‘bang for your buck’ from your hotel stay.

“It’s actually pretty easy to get back or even make money from your hotel visit”, Fun stated. Just follow a few simple tricks!”

Among Fun’s money saving tips are:

1) Breakfast. Many hotels offer an unlimited buffet-style breakfast. Gorge yourself on as much as you can. And drink at least 6 cups of coffee. An equivalent breakfast at a restaurant will cost you at least $20.00.
2) Take the towels. Most hotels have more than enough towels and they will never miss the ones you take.
3) The same goes for sheets and pillow cases.
4) Take the lamps. If the lamps are free standing then by all means, take them!
5) Take the TV! This may be a little tricky as the TVs are usually mounted into the wall. However, a good socket wrench kit should do the trick! They got the TVs in the wall. You can get them out!

Fun pointed out that there may be other items in some of the fancier hotels that may also be worth taking such as the microwave and refrigerator. Cheap hotel chairs are not usually a good item unless they’re leather.

“I recommend you use some sort of false identification to avoid having the items traced back to you. And make sure you disable the security cameras before doing anything with your items!” Fun stated.

Fun showed pawn shop receipts indicating he actually made over $600 on his last hotel room stay.

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Posted in Biz News3 Comments

Miracle Whip Forsakes Forlorn Food Gobbler

Miracle Whip Forsakes Forlorn Food Gobbler

Kraft, purveyor of many fine foods and some others a bit on the course side. To me, they’re the makers of Miracle Whip, and the miracles were nothing short of canonization-worthy.

Yes, I’m talking about the now-discontinued dipping and sammy sauces that performed condimental magic on fries, sandwiches and anything else that needed some sassy, bloomin’ love. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Human Interest1 Comment

Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

PITTSBURGH — Ruling that the threat to public safety is “theoretically a very real problem under the principles of String theory,” a two-judge panel has shut down ride-sharing at Kennywood park in West Mifflin.

The ruling makes it illegal for more than one person to ride on any of the park’s attractions at one time.

Though no major or minor injuries or incidents have occurred in recent history, the PUC said in a statement that, “Our job isn’t to consider public opinion, fun, or common sense. Our job is to look out for public safety in every imaginable universe, even the alternate universes wherein this issue presents an actual danger.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Technology2 Comments

Angry Liberals Vow to Open New Chain of Stores Called ‘Snobby Lobby’

Angry Liberals Vow to Open New Chain of Stores Called ‘Snobby Lobby’

Boston – Liberals are seething over the Supreme Court decision which allows Hobby Lobby to not have to offer certain birth control products which they believe induce abortions and which violate their religious beliefs.

Hateful people took to twitter after the decision was announced and threatened to “burn down Hobby Lobby stores across the country.” Continue Reading

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Hog Farmers Proudly Sell Parts Right to the Bitter, Musky Ends

Hog Farmers Proudly Sell Parts Right to the Bitter, Musky Ends

Social media has blown up with images of an actual box of American made pork product, the “Boneless Pork Rectum, Inverted”. We take you inside this unusual treat.

Boneless means without bone. Pork is the industry term for pig products. A rectum, well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much and it’s daddy’s birthday. Oh, never mind, I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Health1 Comment

Travelocity; Genius, Evil or Evil Genius? (We’ll find out Monday!)

Travelocity; Genius, Evil or Evil Genius? (We’ll find out Monday!)

When I went to book my upcoming trip I found the best deal at Travelocity.com, but at what price? The answer may surprise you.

It sure as hell surprised me, and perhaps not in the good way.

I booked a one-stop flight for a competitive $1,118, only to find two days later that it wasn’t simply booked for the wrong days, but the entire wrong months. I should have caught this in booking, but I didn’t, and since a few minutes past 24-hours had passed, it was not eligible for cancellation. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Travel4 Comments

U.S. Employers Look to Increase Productivity By Hiring More Human Centipedes

U.S. Employers Look to Increase Productivity By Hiring More Human Centipedes

WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. Department of Labor’s recent report that employee productivity fell 3.2 percent in the first quarter of 2014, many companies are looking to overcome such weak proletariat performance by investing in the hiring of more human centipedes. Continue Reading

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Federal Reserve: “We Can Print Dollars Forever”

Federal Reserve: “We Can Print Dollars Forever”

WASHINGTON – Federal Reserve chair Janet Yellen yesterday affirmed her confidence that the Federal Reserve Bank can “print dollars forever.”

Yellen stated at the National Press Club: “The Federal Reserve can expand its balance sheet indefinitely. We are prepared to inject as much liquidity into the world economy as is necessary to preserve our American way of life.” Continue Reading

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Cancer to be Rebranded the ‘Super King Slimming Disease’ by Cigarette Companies

Cancer to be Rebranded the ‘Super King Slimming Disease’ by Cigarette Companies

Court documents revealed today in a US class action have described what the big tobacco firms intend to do, now that their growing markets in the emerging economies are becoming more aware of the associated health risks of smoking.

The highly confidential meeting minutes include the admittance that claiming that it is unproven that there is a link between inhaling vast amount of addictive, toxic, carcinogenic chemicals day after day for years is hazardous to health is unproven, has now become ‘like the lack of the mention of dinosaurs in the bible, in other words somewhat difficult to defend, except of course to stupid people’. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Health0 Comments

Koch Bros. Top $100 Billion, Dead Pharaohs Impressed

Koch Bros. Top $100 Billion, Dead Pharaohs Impressed

Charles and David Koch, best known for the purest grades of frack-water you drink and the mercury you breathe, have reportedly topped the $100 billion mark in net worth. Let’s break down how much money that really is.

Clearly it’s a lot, but more than that, it’s a nearly unfathomable amount. So absurd is this load of cash that I’ll post my math at the end so you can verify for yourself that this is really real. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics2 Comments

Redskins Owner Dan Snyder To Open Chain of Reservation Liquor Stores

Redskins Owner Dan Snyder To Open Chain of Reservation Liquor Stores

Responding to claims of racial insensitivity over the team name, NFL Redskins owner Dan Snyder embarked on a month long voyage of discovery to dozens of Native American Reservations.

In a widely distributed press release issued on Monday, Snyder said “As loyal fans of the Washington Redskins, I want you to know that tomorrow I will announce the creation of the Washington Redskins Original Americans Liquor Foundation.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Sports0 Comments

Leaders Celebrate Leadership for the Infantilized Masses

Leaders Celebrate Leadership for the Infantilized Masses

Dateline: WASHINGTON—On this year’s Leadership Day, leaders from around the world in governments and corporations spoke about the meaning of leadership while the millions of followers showed that they understood by sitting cross-legged in circles, holding hands, and defecating in their diapers.

“Americans still believe in an America where everything is possible,” said President Obama. “They just don’t think their leaders do. We have a failure of leadership. Too often leaders pretend they’re taking their followers forward, only to take them backward. I lead from behind so that if we start moving backward I can hold out my arms, block any movement in that dastardly direction, and push us forward instead, forward to freedom.”
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Posted in Biz News, Politics13 Comments

Pathetic Résumé Supercharged by Plastic Folder

Pathetic Résumé Supercharged by Plastic Folder

ANAHEIM, CA—The offices of Walworth and Rhodes were gut-punched with excitement upon seeing that an applicant’s otherwise completely unimpressive résumé had been placed inside a plastic folder.

With a work history that made him an unequivocal leper in the job market, applicant Kirk Scheer had little choice other than to resort to the plastic folder. Continue Reading

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Creation Museum Sets Stupidly Low Bar w/ Non-Floating Ark

Creation Museum Sets Stupidly Low Bar w/ Non-Floating Ark

Ken Ham, while unclean in name only, continues to vie valiantly for the creation of a modern day Ark to prove once and for all that the book of Genesis was written as a literal and true historical account.

But old man scam-on-the-barbie has missed too many crucial points, reality clearly the biggest among them.

Don’t let his twoingy accent fool you, he’s not sophisticated, just a regular Joe from a country with no more patience for him. But no matter. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Religionism6 Comments

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