Posted on 01 September 2010. Tags: America, boycott, corporate america, minimum wage, umemployment, workers
While the Tea Baggers are busy off rallying for their causes, the Populist Party has come up with what they believe is a more effective way to get the attention of big corporate interests to pay attention to just how unhappy their workers are. It’s called the National Stay Home from Work Day Boycott and it’s scheduled to happen on September 3, 2010. Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Top Stories
Posted on 29 August 2010. Tags: affirmative action, color barrier, de-firmative, NBA, quotas, race, skills
DETROIT, Michigan (GlossyNews) — The NBA as we know it may be gone forever after a recent court ruling instating De-ffirmative Action. In Guys Who Suck at Basketball V. NBA the Supreme Court ruled that the NBA has actively discriminated as evinced by the disproportionate hiring of certain minorities compared to national demographics. The tentative fix has been to establish racial quotas each team must adhere to based on the most recent Census information on racial distribution in the US. Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Scandals
Posted on 26 August 2010. Tags: Berenstain Bears, gold deposits, Humphrey Bogart, Inigo Montoya, steenking badges
In what industry analysts warn may signal a downturn for Mexico’s extraction sector, ‘Steenking Badges’ futures closed sharply lower today. The precipitous decline over the past six weeks, though generally seen as unfavorable, elicited highly contentious opinions.
The widely acknowledged Zen master of Latin American mineral markets was as usual, cryptic and candid at the same time. Said Nobel laureate Inigo Montoya, “Yes, I know what they say. In a time when precious metals are escalating against shaky world paper currencies, they find the drop in bandit requests for fake badges inconceivable. This word ‘inconceivable’ I do not think it means what they think it means.” Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Top Stories
Posted on 20 August 2010. Tags: auction, Blackwater, ebay, government waste, halliburton, J.D. Salinger, toilets, Xe
HOBOKEN, New Jersey (GlossyNews) — The Pentagon today announced that in keeping with the President’s unofficial request to keep spending to a minimum, it would henceforth be purchasing many items used from the popular auction site, eBay at considerably less than they would cost if bought outright from government contractors. In fact, the House Appropriations Committee has declared eBay an official government supply contractor from here on out. Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Politics
Posted on 19 August 2010. Tags: Al Gore, happy endings, holistic, massage, masseuse, Nobel Peace Prize, Reiki
WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — Ever since Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2007, he’s been looking for a good investment and now he thinks he’s found it. He’s opening a chain of Reiki salons in Washington, DC. Among the reasons he’s giving for making such a bold business move, Gore came up with these:
*I like the “laying on of hands” concept of Reiki. The magic is in the palms.
*I’ve always been turned on by the phrase “holistic.” Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Celebrity Gossip
Posted on 12 August 2010. Tags: big everything, big oil, corporatism, elections, fascism, greed, republican, right wing
SANDPOINT, Idaho (GLossyNews) — In a bold statement today, a jubilant Sarah Palin announced her plans to rename our country. “We live in a great country. And if we want to see things get done, if we want to support our economy, we need to recognize who the real leaders are. It’s not our government, it’s our country’s corporations that really make our country great. In honor of all the great businesses of America, I propose we rename our country, “The United States of Corporate America.”
GOP representatives all across the country have denied any knowledge of Palin’s proposal, but one spokesperson close to Palin, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, stated that drafts of this proposal have already been introduced in Senate and House subcommittees. Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Politics
Posted on 06 August 2010. Tags: bailout, economy, fertilizer, homeless, poverty, recession, stock market, unemployment
STURGIS, Mississippi (GlossyNews) — The bailout recovery has finally come full circle as the recipients have finally stabilized their companies and are ready to rehire their workers. A shock came about, however, when it was found out that most of their old workers had either starved to death or were homeless and couldn’t be found.
“It was surprising to us.” said Chief Investor Charles Fatbelly, speaking at the ‘Back On Top’ banquet for top Wall Street executives while munching on pheasant under glass. “I thought there was supposed to be a trickle down of some sort. Oh, well, we’ll just import some people from India.” Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Human Interest
Posted on 05 August 2010. Tags: conservatives, economy, interior decorator, poor, recession, thrift stores, yuppies
Today in the US the upper classes succeeded in getting a bill passed banning poor people from using money.
“Money is too good for them.” stated Raymond Emory III, a third generation trust funder, “They only spend it on the little things like food and shelter instead of wonderful things like jewelry or fabulous fashions.”
“The poor live at such a low level anyway.” quipped Ms. Nelly Riva, a photo model who gets paid 20 times her weight daily.
“They could just live off what we cast off and live on the edges of town and use our old boxes to build shanties. Let those of us with important jobs like modeling and selling cosmetics have all the money to use properly.” Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Society
Posted on 03 August 2010. Tags: Banking, Danny Bonaduce, David Cassidy, fail, Guam, Russian Mafia, SEC, wall street
NEW YORK (GlossyNews) — Analysts predict a drop in equity markets this week, in the wake of unexpected SEC announcements. Investment giant Guildenstern & Rosencrantz, long a Wall Street presence, is to be liquidated.
The word came from Under Assistant Treasury Secretary David Cassidy today, simultaneous with deployment of the SEC’s elite SWAT CPA force. Cassidy predicted the G&R perimeter would be secured quickly, and then detailed the reasons behind the operation. Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Society
Posted on 02 August 2010. Tags: debt, deficit, economy, entitlements, incentives, programs, tax breaks, tax credits
WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — With deficits as far as the eye can see and our national debt rising to levels that would make Greece blush congress has finally taken meaningful steps to address our nations financial problems. President Obama announced today a new initiative called, “SAVE our future” which passed with overwhelming bipartisan support.
In the coming weeks and months government will be phasing in a new payment program for entitlements. On Welfare? Social Security? Medicare, or Medicaid? Half of your hard given money will now come in the form of coupons. For Welfare the administration has teamed up with Gerber, Pampers, and Budweiser Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Politics
Posted on 31 July 2010. Tags: cat in the hat, copyright, intellectual property, inventions, parenting, seuss, trademarks
HOOVILLE, Nova Scotia (GlossyNews) — The estate of Dr. Seuss has filed a restraining order against the manufacturer of the plastic horn known as the Vuvuzela, claiming copyright infringement. The order, handed down in the National Court of South Africa, calls for the immediate cessation of the manufacture of all things Vuvuzela. It also clearly shows the Vuvuzela was first mentioned in the little known book written by Dr. Seuss in 1964 entitled Consuela from Venezuela blows on a Vuvuzela. Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Entertainment
Posted on 30 July 2010. Tags: Blackwater, capitalism, corporate entities, halliburton, hostile takeover, USA
A MESSAGE TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES
Official notification is hereby given by venue of this website to all citizens of the United States that the government of said land is dissolved and that the entity formerly known as the United States Of America has been acquired in a hostile takeover by the newly formed Corporation of North America. All questions of national allegiance and international relations will now be addressed to the Halliburton America section of of the new entity. Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Politics
Posted on 27 July 2010. Tags: Disney, Fantastic Four, Hulk, Iron Man, Marvel Comis, Silver Surfer, spiderman
Disney Corporation has made another great stride in its endeavor to control all possible realms of consumer fantasy. With a buyout of $4 billion in cash and stocks, the great Mickey has bought the upstart Marvel Comics franchise, the famous comic book non-conformists who created such legendary neo-mythical figures as the Hulk, Spiderman, Iron Man, the X-Men and other such spandex-clad heroes of our childhood. Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Talky Pictures
Posted on 26 July 2010. Tags: Brasil, brazil, economy, fans, Party, samba, World Cup 2010
RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (GlossySports) -– While almost every Brazilian is saddened by the stunning loss of their team to the Netherlands in the quarter-final match, economists in Brazil are celebrating unabashedly, claiming that the loss has a decidedly silver lining. Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Events, Sports
Posted on 18 July 2010. Tags: canada, Canada Dry, Chicago, over stretched libido, White Sox, Wrigley Field, Wrigley gum
CHICAGOLAND, Illinois
(GlossyNews) –
The horror! The horror!
This is a quote from Heart Of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, the short story that inspired the movie Apocalypse Now. It is also a quote on the tongues of many Chicagoans when they found that their Life Saver mints, a product staple of the eternal Wrigley Company, a bastion of Chicoagoan enterprise, is now being made in Canada.
The horror! The horror! Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Travel
Posted on 14 July 2010. Tags: abuse of power, children, conservatives, liberals, president, shopping cart, socialism, socialist
BALTIMORE, Maryland (GlossyNews) — The Obama Administration, in another unprecedented exercise of governmental control, has ordered the Consumer Protection Agency to implement sweeping new safety codes to protect children in shopping carts. The strict new rules will carry the force of law across America, but they are implemented by the Consumer Protection Agency – a body of appointed, not elected, officials who answer directly to the President and his cabinet.
The laws, which go into effect November 1, 2010, are designed to protect children and are based on a recent study which showed that over 24000 children are admitted to hospitals each year from accidents resulting from shopping cart incidents. While the reforms are meant to protect children, they severely hinder the rights and responsibilities of parents to control and monitor their own children’s behavior. Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Health
Posted on 11 July 2010. Tags: economists, Healthcare, jobs, moby, obama, taxes, unemployment
WASHINGTON DC (GlossyNews) — President Obama became a cult icon among hippies, slackers, and a various assortment of degenerates today while making a speech about the economy and the almost non-existent job creation this administration has overseen. Obama explained, “I am going to be taxing the job creators in our country. Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News
Posted on 28 June 2010. Tags: BP, deep horizon, environmental disasters, food, gulf spill, oil spill, sea turtles
CHALMETTE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Add abysmal stock prices to the $20 billion escrow fund and BP’s existing $2.35 billion clean up tab, and you begin to realize how quickly deep pockets grow shallow. The Deep Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has destroyed the petroleum giant’s forecasted $14 billion profit margin. And with 2.5 million gallons of crude spewing from the well daily, it becomes a daunting, if not impossible, task to calculate the financial hardships BP may be facing in the very near future. To further complicate matters, various pension fund managers have announced plans to sue BP for heavy investment losses. Continue Reading
Posted in Biz News, Environment
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