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Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

Pittsburgh PUC Halts Ride-Sharing At Kennywood

PITTSBURGH — Ruling that the threat to public safety is “theoretically a very real problem under the principles of String theory,” a two-judge panel has shut down ride-sharing at Kennywood park in West Mifflin.

The ruling makes it illegal for more than one person to ride on any of the park’s attractions at one time.

Though no major or minor injuries or incidents have occurred in recent history, the PUC said in a statement that, “Our job isn’t to consider public opinion, fun, or common sense. Our job is to look out for public safety in every imaginable universe, even the alternate universes wherein this issue presents an actual danger.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Technology2 Comments

Angry Liberals Vow to Open New Chain of Stores Called ‘Snobby Lobby’

Angry Liberals Vow to Open New Chain of Stores Called ‘Snobby Lobby’

Boston – Liberals are seething over the Supreme Court decision which allows Hobby Lobby to not have to offer certain birth control products which they believe induce abortions and which violate their religious beliefs.

Hateful people took to twitter after the decision was announced and threatened to “burn down Hobby Lobby stores across the country.” Continue Reading

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Hog Farmers Proudly Sell Parts Right to the Bitter, Musky Ends

Hog Farmers Proudly Sell Parts Right to the Bitter, Musky Ends

Social media has blown up with images of an actual box of American made pork product, the “Boneless Pork Rectum, Inverted”. We take you inside this unusual treat.

Boneless means without bone. Pork is the industry term for pig products. A rectum, well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much and it’s daddy’s birthday. Oh, never mind, I don’t want to spoil the surprise. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Health1 Comment

Travelocity; Genius, Evil or Evil Genius? (We’ll find out Monday!)

Travelocity; Genius, Evil or Evil Genius? (We’ll find out Monday!)

When I went to book my upcoming trip I found the best deal at Travelocity.com, but at what price? The answer may surprise you.

It sure as hell surprised me, and perhaps not in the good way.

I booked a one-stop flight for a competitive $1,118, only to find two days later that it wasn’t simply booked for the wrong days, but the entire wrong months. I should have caught this in booking, but I didn’t, and since a few minutes past 24-hours had passed, it was not eligible for cancellation. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Travel4 Comments

U.S. Employers Look to Increase Productivity By Hiring More Human Centipedes

U.S. Employers Look to Increase Productivity By Hiring More Human Centipedes

WASHINGTON — Following the U.S. Department of Labor’s recent report that employee productivity fell 3.2 percent in the first quarter of 2014, many companies are looking to overcome such weak proletariat performance by investing in the hiring of more human centipedes. Continue Reading

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Federal Reserve: “We Can Print Dollars Forever”

Federal Reserve: “We Can Print Dollars Forever”

WASHINGTON – Federal Reserve chair Janet Yellen yesterday affirmed her confidence that the Federal Reserve Bank can “print dollars forever.”

Yellen stated at the National Press Club: “The Federal Reserve can expand its balance sheet indefinitely. We are prepared to inject as much liquidity into the world economy as is necessary to preserve our American way of life.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News1 Comment

Cancer to be Rebranded the ‘Super King Slimming Disease’ by Cigarette Companies

Cancer to be Rebranded the ‘Super King Slimming Disease’ by Cigarette Companies

Court documents revealed today in a US class action have described what the big tobacco firms intend to do, now that their growing markets in the emerging economies are becoming more aware of the associated health risks of smoking.

The highly confidential meeting minutes include the admittance that claiming that it is unproven that there is a link between inhaling vast amount of addictive, toxic, carcinogenic chemicals day after day for years is hazardous to health is unproven, has now become ‘like the lack of the mention of dinosaurs in the bible, in other words somewhat difficult to defend, except of course to stupid people’. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Health0 Comments

Koch Bros. Top $100 Billion, Dead Pharaohs Impressed

Koch Bros. Top $100 Billion, Dead Pharaohs Impressed

Charles and David Koch, best known for the purest grades of frack-water you drink and the mercury you breathe, have reportedly topped the $100 billion mark in net worth. Let’s break down how much money that really is.

Clearly it’s a lot, but more than that, it’s a nearly unfathomable amount. So absurd is this load of cash that I’ll post my math at the end so you can verify for yourself that this is really real. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Politics2 Comments

Redskins Owner Dan Snyder To Open Chain of Reservation Liquor Stores

Redskins Owner Dan Snyder To Open Chain of Reservation Liquor Stores

Responding to claims of racial insensitivity over the team name, NFL Redskins owner Dan Snyder embarked on a month long voyage of discovery to dozens of Native American Reservations.

In a widely distributed press release issued on Monday, Snyder said “As loyal fans of the Washington Redskins, I want you to know that tomorrow I will announce the creation of the Washington Redskins Original Americans Liquor Foundation.” Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Sports0 Comments

Leaders Celebrate Leadership for the Infantilized Masses

Leaders Celebrate Leadership for the Infantilized Masses

Dateline: WASHINGTON—On this year’s Leadership Day, leaders from around the world in governments and corporations spoke about the meaning of leadership while the millions of followers showed that they understood by sitting cross-legged in circles, holding hands, and defecating in their diapers.

“Americans still believe in an America where everything is possible,” said President Obama. “They just don’t think their leaders do. We have a failure of leadership. Too often leaders pretend they’re taking their followers forward, only to take them backward. I lead from behind so that if we start moving backward I can hold out my arms, block any movement in that dastardly direction, and push us forward instead, forward to freedom.”
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Posted in Biz News, Politics13 Comments

Pathetic Résumé Supercharged by Plastic Folder

Pathetic Résumé Supercharged by Plastic Folder

ANAHEIM, CA—The offices of Walworth and Rhodes were gut-punched with excitement upon seeing that an applicant’s otherwise completely unimpressive résumé had been placed inside a plastic folder.

With a work history that made him an unequivocal leper in the job market, applicant Kirk Scheer had little choice other than to resort to the plastic folder. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News3 Comments

Creation Museum Sets Stupidly Low Bar w/ Non-Floating Ark

Creation Museum Sets Stupidly Low Bar w/ Non-Floating Ark

Ken Ham, while unclean in name only, continues to vie valiantly for the creation of a modern day Ark to prove once and for all that the book of Genesis was written as a literal and true historical account.

But old man scam-on-the-barbie has missed too many crucial points, reality clearly the biggest among them.

Don’t let his twoingy accent fool you, he’s not sophisticated, just a regular Joe from a country with no more patience for him. But no matter. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Religionism6 Comments

Used Car Dealer Scores 342% Below Scale [VIDEO]

Used Car Dealer Scores 342% Below Scale [VIDEO]

For the first time in history, a used car dealership has earned a score below zero on the Acham-Norbert Dealer Index, and they didn’t just make history, they set a bar too low to ever beat.

Spyder and Rocky Krakauer’s dealership is unique in that they don’t want to tell you, or better yet, don’t want you to know their physical address. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Video News6 Comments

Saga of Baby Munoz Brings Joy to the OC

Saga of Baby Munoz Brings Joy to the OC

DATELINE: Waco, TX — Many followed the tragic case of Marlise Munoz for the last 6 weeks with anxiety, anguish and great compassion.

This was an ethical dilemma wherein, under the protection of Texas law, an unborn fetus remained in gestation within the womb of a reportedly brain dead women in a Texas ICU; despite the mother’s and family’s (reportedly) contrary wishes.

The world responded with embroiled arguments and a fervent outpouring of concern from multifarious viewpoints. With great relief for Marlise’s family, she and her baby were allowed to succumb this past Sunday evening.

However, this is not a forgone issue as the dismay of many a concerned citizen remains intact, as do existing laws that buoy their bizarre concern. However, today we share the story of a brilliant young doctor from Waco, Dr. Donald Do-It Houser, who has truly risen to the occasion and shone a new ray of hope on this otherwise heart breaking story.

Dr. Houser is the brain child of “Rely on Your Assets Lifestyle Salon” or ROYALS for short, wherein he has sought to unburden the lives of women such as the heartbreakingly overextended housewives of Orange County, through simplifying the miracle of life.

These women that are typically already overwhelmed with the pangs of their demanding lifestyle have limited time for the gruesome burden of carrying a child, not to mention the emotional scarring, pain and mutilation this act can levy on a woman’s body.

In a stroke of brilliance, Dr. Houser has secured consent from the families of over 100 local comatose women of child bearing age in the great state of Texas, to act as surrogate mothers for this niche demographic.

Using state of the art in-vitro fertilization and embryo transfer with luteal support, Dr. Houser has demonstrated an almost unheard of 17% success rate of full term delivery and a 100% success rate of an effortless pregnancy.

Many critics call his service outlandish and, as with baby Munoz, have questioned the viability of a fetus in a compromised physiological environment.

But Dr. Houser is not swayed “sure that’s a valid question, but I ask instead does a government agency have the right spare an individual the right of freedom of choice? Yes! Do we know what life is well enough to just take it away when it wants to go? No! So, my point is I just give people what I think they think they want, and it’s legal.”

Dr. Houser knows he has stirred added controversy to an already hot topic, but he remains dedicated and confident “this idea of mine is brilliant and my only concern is what will I think of next.” He has had millions of hits on his posh and tech heavy website (www.neveradullmomentamongreligiousconservatives.com) and a new app wherein donor moms can monitor their surrogate’s tube feedings, diaper changes, sponge baths and urine output.

He is also working on an interactive component to the app where, with the press of a button, a donor may order an instant bedside turning to prevent pressure sores or adjust respirator settings to include popular ringtones (the latter of which is still pending approval of an institutional review board).

“My goal is for the real mother to have as much control as possible, so that she can be an integral part of the baby’s life while in utero.” He also added that he has opened a collaboration with the largest national nanny provider so that each child will have a duo of attendees assigned post-delivery, “this I hope will limit the secondary trauma that we all fear, the experience of child rearing.”

A 1000 slot waiting to be a ROYAL list filled within 40 seconds after it was announced on Twitter on midweek at 730PM PST. When queried about any design to this specific launch time Dr. Houser was quoted to say “this is a tragic part of the day, a time when many of my target audience sits in the uncomfortable silence between dinner and the start of prime time television, and I wanted them to have hope.”

In closing, Dr. Houser indicated that he is committed to the needs of what he feels is a misunderstood and evolving demographic, “my mentor (Mike Judge, actor and author of Idiocracy) understood where I am going with this endeavor, these people are our future.”

Harsh criticism continues as does an outpouring of support, thus it remains clear that, for now, Dr. Houser and people like him are here to stay. We will continue to follow this compelling story and provide new bulletins on the civil litigation and criminal charges already levied on Dr. Houser and ROYALS as they emerge, please stay tuned.

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Posted in Biz News, Health0 Comments

Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls

Duck Dynasty Unveils New Line Of Dog Whistle Calls

Dogpatch, LA – Willie Robertson, CEO and patriarch in waiting for the Duck Dynasty Empire has announced a new line of silent dog whistle calls for non hunters to be rolled out in 2014.

The initial lineup will include four whistles named “Homo Going To Hell”, “Happy, Happy Darkie”, “Dumb Barefoot Bitch Better Pluck My Duck” and one general whistle for devout evangelicals “I’m Going To Heaven And You’re Not”.

Duck Dynasty “Dog Commanders” will be available nationwide on June 1st at Walmart for $89.95.

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Posted in Biz News, Celebrity Gossip, Entertainment, Television0 Comments

Business down the drainpipe for Mario Brothers

Business down the drainpipe for Mario Brothers

WORKERS have spoken of their sadness at a family run plumbing business has gone bust after 33 years trading.

Mario Brothers Plumbing Ltd announced last night that it was to go into administration and there was expected to be a loss of more than 300 jobs.

The business has sighted the worldwide financial crisis, but staff have accused the poor management of the two owners, Mario and Luigi, that ultimately lead to the closure and loss of jobs. Continue Reading

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Posted in Biz News, Gadgets & Gizmos2 Comments

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