NEW YORK – Despite suffering through one of the hottest summers on record, Americans are finding that their previous concerns about the possible long-term effects of global warming have been nearly eradicated as a result of their newfound fears about the global debt crisis. Continue Reading

Vancouver, BC – GlossyNews.com – In what may finally put to rest the perennial “Does Bigfoot exist?” controversy, a team of Canadian scientists from Saskatchewan State College announced Tuesday that it has discovered a race of pygmy Bigfoots living deep in the remote pine forest of British Columbia.

“We tracked a trail of their massive footprints for three days,” says lead archaeologist Jacob Standunsky. Continue Reading

Fibrominn, LLC in Benson, Minnesota has the distinction of being the first U.S. power plant fired by turkey droppings in an effort wean the U.S. from fossil fuel to fecal fuel. And the turkeys couldn’t be happier. The plant burns 90 percent turkey dung and in an ironic twist, creates “clean” power from “filthy nasty” fuel for approximately 40,000 homes. Continue Reading

Media release: Monaco, 0800hrs, Energy giant BP, (formerly British Petroleum) has announced an offer of support to the Japanese government overnight, pledging to fully rebuild the nation’s damaged nuclear reactors on undisclosed but “very favorable” terms.

Former CEO Tony Hayward, who was deposed after the Deepwater Horizon oil spill of 2010, has returned to the company in the newly created position of Chief Explortation Officer, bringing with him years of unrivaled disaster management expertise.

“Although nuclear technologies are not at the forefront of what we do, remember our name isn’t ‘British Petroleum’ any longer, but instead ‘Beyond Petroleum’, and nuclear energy is certainly that.

“In my years as the CEO of BP and owner of a racing yacht, I have compiled vast resources for dealing with any sort of natural disaster, or man-made ones like PR,” he explained.

“For instance, prior to last Spring, we hadn’t the foggiest idea of how to even think of fixing an oil spill, but we’ve learned a bit. It is the same proven adaptive management systems that I bring to the nation of Japan.”

Asked if his offer was prompted by past environmental guilt, Mr Hayward paused before dissembling, “British Petroleum is only looking towards the future.”

Japanese Prime Minister Naoto Kan, who currently oversees a combo platter of natural disasters, a shrinking economy and a record national debt of more than 200% of GDP, had no hesitation in welcoming the gesture from BP. “Not only do we, the Japanese people, accept Mr Hayward’s gracious offer, I personally look forward to working with him as soon as practicably possible.”

Mr Hayward indicated an emergency rapid-response team would be assembled to address the possibility of a full-scale meltdown “possibly by July or August.”

NOTE: This disaster is still unfolding, and the toll of dead, missing and injured is truly staggering. Please consider making a contribution, even a small one, to an organization like The Red Cross or UNICEF.

As sure as every crowd has a pilfer lining, every crowd has one of silver. While the quake off the northeast coast of Japan has already racked up a death toll in the thousands, there may still be some good news. Sources have suggested that the Japanese whaling fleet may have suffered serious, permanent damage from the resulting tsunami. Continue Reading

A space scientist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has issued a warning in association with the current solar flare activity on the sun’s surface. Edmund P. Rank, a scientist at NASA’s Solar Dynamics Observatory claims that within the next 24 to 48 hours, the solar flare activity on the sun could actually create a situation where the moon glows brighter. Continue Reading

Detroit, MI – GlossyNews.com – Ex-Vice President, internet wizard, and noted global climate expert, Al Gore, has unveiled a unique total-green automobile offering that could change the way Americans drive.

In collaboration with Tata Motors of India, Gore has invented a revolutionary vehicle that runs entirely on body odor and emits only a fraction of polluting hydrocarbons. Gore has named the first model after himself, who, according to at least one licensed massage practitioner, has an untapped “wealth of body odor.” Continue Reading

EDITORIAL (GlossyNews) — Meteorologists, or Weather Forecasters as they like to refer to themselves, have always found it hard to keep their audiences happy. If they call for sunshine and it rains, the first people blamed are the forecasters. For meteorologists, predicting some really foul weather and getting people to prepare for the worst — only to realize they had it all wrong — is a nightmare of gruesome proportions: the kind of nightmare that still jolts former FEMA head Mike Brown from nocturnal visions of prancing Arabian horses. The ugly viewer comments after the issuance of an all-clear are enough to make the sturdiest weather forecasters fall to their knees and pray to God for a disaster to strike. Continue Reading

DENVER, Colorado (GlossyNews) — Insect research at Denver University has determined that a common saying is incorrect and that there is no such thing as being “as snug as a bug in a rug.” The phrase, which is generally taken to mean tucked in tight and toasty warm is not true, according to Dr. Sam Whitemeal.

“First, one must look at the average rug. A rug is a smaller piece, generally not covering a full room like a carpet. A rug is also usually not shag, so is not thick and full; it is often flat with a pattern. Rugs are also located on a floor and, unlike carpet, do not have installed padding underneath.” Continue Reading

Seedy Falls, CO – Pam Anderson, noted for being an environmentalist and animal rights activist, as well as a past Baywatch bimbo, recently purchased several hundred acres of pristine land, near Glenwood Springs, Colorado. Anderson hopes to use the tract as a wildlife refuge for abandoned bears, pigs, and cats and as a private retreat for the filming of another sleazy sex tape before her Botox wears off and her plastic hardens. Continue Reading

TORREY PINES STATE PARK, California (GlossyNews) — The first deadly salmon attack on the California coast occurred early Wednesday afternoon. Giant, carnivorous salmon fatally attacked a nudist couple while honeymooning on the clothing-optional portion of Blacks Beach off the Pacific Coast. The couple was leisurely swimming when suddenly surrounded and attacked by a large school of genetically altered salmon; the salmon commonly referred to as “Frankenfish”.

The Torrey Pines State Park lifeguard reported hearing loud screaming followed by violent splashing at approximately 3:30 p.m. about 300 yards from the shoreline. Lifeguard Bobby Dicoco spotted the couple and immediately set out to rescue the couple while his assistant, Continue Reading

EPA officials issued a temporary restraining order against the cast and crew of the popular MTV show ‘Jersey Shore.’ The restraining order cited the discovery of a 14 mile greasy oil slick that spread northward from Seaside Heights up to Sandy Hook caused by the cast taking a dip in the surf last weekend. Continue Reading

Stinger’s End, NJ – GlossyNews.comFederal authorities have netted over 300 bee keepers in a carefully crafted sting operation that was hatched nationwide in the past three-weeks. Yellow jacketed agents swarmed in and arrested several key people late last night in an operation that was honeycombed with illicit price fixing, illegal honey imports, and reports of product contamination. Local detention centers were a hive of activity as suspects were brought in for questioning, and we promise no more weak-kneed bee puns after this point*. Continue Reading

ROSWELL, New Mexico (GlossyNews) — In his harshest stance yet, President Barack Obama has demanded flailing petroleum giant BP establish yet another $20B set-aside to address more leak damage. At issue is the recent Wiki-leaks release of 91,000 classified documents, considered highly toxic by most defense analysts.

Said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, “This thing undeniably looks like BP. It’s of unprecedented proportions, politically inconvenient, and clean-up will be a nightmare. So who do you think did it? A leak of these dimensions can only mean BP has failed to follow adequate safety procedures, yet again.”

Though in a leadership transition, BP was quick to respond on this latest disaster. Continue Reading

GETTYSBURG, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — The latest in a series of disasters has humbled a small town in Northeastern, PA. Naticoke, Pennsylvania, which was well known in the their region for being a major coal mining town in the 1930′s, was sent into a state of shock and panic this weekend. What was recently the scene of village-wide celebration in honor of the grand opening of a new Applebee’s restaurant has turned into a nightmare for many of the town’s four thousand plus citizens. Continue Reading

ORLANDO, Florida (GlossyNews) — Wearied by weeks of fighting the horrendous Gulf oil spill, the U.S. Coast Guard mobilized today to battle a large leak from a giant whale in a SeaWorld theme park.

“This is massive,” said Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen. “An animal this size naturally produces a very big leak.”

As of this morning the leak was still spreading, Continue Reading