In what is being hailed as the most highly viewed TV moment of all time, the Rainbow came out of the cosmic closet yesterday and announced on the Ellen Show that she is, in fact, a heterosexual.

For much of history, the inspiring optical phenomenon was assumed to be purely asexual. But then, since the 1970′s, everyone naturally assumed it had turned gay. Continue Reading

INDIANAPOLIS – The national weather service has issued severe flood warnings across most of the Midwest ahead of this weekend, after His Lordship Almighty God went on a Friday night drinking binge.

According to heavenly sources, God – hosting a gathering of elite deities – knocked back eight cans of Miller Lite, as well as three glasses of complementary wine in a night of uncharacteristic abandon. Continue Reading

It makes sense. All you have to do to honor Arbor Day is plant some trees. It’s the day of trees, after all. Find a good spot with some sunshine, throw down a seedling, call it a day, right?

It turns out it doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes, it turns out, you have to also obey the law and not get yourself arrested. Seems crazy, right? I mean, we’re just talking about trees, aren’t we? Continue Reading

Officials with the Tatooine Department of Wildlife announced today that the long imperiled womp rat is believed to be extinct in the wild. At not much bigger than two meters, womp rat numbers declined steadily since human settlement, mostly due to habitat loss as native desert was converted to moisture farms.

But it was the local practice of “bulls-eyeing” that finally pushed the species over the brink. Continue Reading

Sunsets are pretty, no two ways about it. You have to really stop and take them in. Watch the hues shift, take in the deep colors as they melt across the sky… but there’s more to it.

They’re red aren’t they? Awfully red. Why is that? You could argue it’s because God loves you and He knows what looks pleasing to you, or you could argue that it’s because you left your lights on, kept the coal-fired plant running longer, and now the environment is irreparably harmed.

Click on the image to see the cartoon full-size.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

Obviously rain showers for spring flowers whatever, I’m sure there’s an axiom in there, but why are the common yard scourge the Dandelion so dangerous, especially in Spring, and why am I asking this is such elusive ways?

Click on the image to see it in full resolution.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

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We all learned the story of Johnny Appleseed as children, and for some reason we were taught that he was a great and noble man. He did charitable works, but that’s hardly the whole story.

As this comic points out, today he’d have quite a different name, as he travels the frontier-land planting non-native species of plants.

Click image to see the cartoon full-size.

To see all of my comics, including the many that have yet to be published, go to GlossyNews.com/c. It also includes details and commentary you won’t find anywhere else.

ANDERSON – A violent tornado that ripped through the heartland of America yesterday has left thousands of damaged homes looking slightly better than they did before the catastrophe.

A level-3 warning was issued on Monday ahead of projected storms and wind gusts across parts of Indiana, with the towns of New Castle, Anderson and Daleville benefiting most from the disaster. Continue Reading

GREENLAND–Last year, a melting glacier known as the Petermann glacier calved off a sizable chunk of ice approximately twice the size of Manhattan.

And the Inuit couldn’t be happier.

Apparently, the Greenlandic natives have been benefiting from global warming trends for quite some time. Much of the ice that has been breaking off of these glaciers is going directly into their handmade water pouches. Continue Reading

Anyone who has spent any time in Colorado or any western ski resort areas has noticed the high density of Wisconsiners living there (to avoid any violent misunderstandings and to remain socially correct, by ‘high density’ I am referring to the percentage of population, not the thickness of their skulls).

There is a disproportionally large population of them coming from a state with only five million, most of them cows. I am one myself (a Wisconsiner, not a cow.) but don’t tell anyone. Continue Reading

NASA scientists have revealed that the recent meteor explosion in Russia, the flyby of asteroid 212 DA 124, the strange meteor shower over Florida and the mysterious fireball spotted over southern California are simply precursors of the devastation yet to come.

“Essentially”, said NASA spokesperson Jennifer Conspire, “we are advising people to enjoy their lives now because Armageddon is coming!”

Conspire stated that the end of the world is coming and there is little that can be done about it.

“Eat fatty food, drink, get laid, smoke, take a trip around the world on credit or do any hair brained things you can think of because it all won’t matter in a few months”, Conspire declared. “Unless you’re one of those religious people who believe in karma or something”.

NASA administrator Charles Bolden refuted Conspire’s clams. “There’s a few meteors headed our way but everything is going to be just swell! Don’t listen to that crazy lady! I’m going to fire her!”

Later that day Bolden was seen cashing in all his stocks and booking a flight to Aruba.

NASA scientist Joel McKenzie agreed with Conspire’s declaration. “Some of them we can see coming whereas others we can’t. In any case, we don’t have enough nuclear weapons to destroy them all or even divert them. We’re doomed!”

16 year old Jake Mulligan and his 15 year old girlfriend Jenny Stratalucci are planning on having sex this weekend to make sure they are not virgins when the end times come.

Chicago businessman Peter Manklevitch says he is going to spend all his money on prostitutes and beer this weekend. “I sure as hell hope this ain’t just a rumor”, he stated.

TEMPE — Meteorologists agree that the storm surge, combined with the seasonal monsoon already covering Arizona, could mean the worst flooding coastal Arizona has seen in more than a generation.

“Well we’ve already been seeing rainfall of over one inch per day,” said Sahid Gupta, Arizona native and senior secular meteorologist at the New Day Horizons Center for Wellness. “Which is normal for this time of year, but the storm surge is threatening our coast now.” Continue Reading

MIT has become embroiled in a massive academic scandal after the discovery that one of its PhD students’ thesis utilized Yahoo Answers as a source.

Although details are still murky, sources inside the university claim PhD candidate Phillip Kwon inserted the citation as the 84th footnote for his doctoral thesis on Intermolecular Transpiration, which he defended before a committee last spring. Continue Reading

With the Kyoto Protocol’s expiration in 2012, InfoProductReview.org have taken CO2 emissions data from the UN and PBL to assess its impact so far. Sadly, the data shows that while there have been more successes that failures amongst nations with Kyoto targets, global emissions as a whole have continued to soar.

This guest story comes from Jamie Rose, an artist and part-time green activist concerned with global climate change and greenhouse gas emissions. Continue Reading

Spectacular new images of Earth were released by NASA yesterday detailing various aspects of our magnificent blue and green marble.

One photo in particular stood out above the rest: a crystal clear shot of billions of carbon molecules in the form of a giant footprint covering most of North America.

Scientists would have been completely in the dark as to the owner of the footprint if not for the letters “GORE” on the bottom of the foot. Continue Reading

Next to a cold gaggling brook, in a small but verdant patch of green, settled serenely in the heart of the North American deciduous forest–the place where that “fresh car smell” is born–lives a baby cottontail rabbit named Booby.

And, as you can see from the picture above, this is no ordinary Sylvilagus Floridanus. You may remember him as the star of our award-winning biopic “A Glorious Tail” (previously titled “Can’t See the Forest for the Booby” and also just “Booby Bunny: The Life and Times”). Continue Reading